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Ripped By mstoll
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
Did you guys watch last night's episode of Survivorguy?
I can't believe he used a snake like a lasso
to swing across that ravine!
That was amazing. Dang ol' hardcore, man.
Survivorguy's not tough.
I've been using snakes as lassos since the second grade.
Dale, the man braves the world's roughest terrain,
armed only with willpower and a knife.
He's the greatest American hero ever born.
In Canada.
Okay, you want to see willpower?
For the next seven days,
I will eschew modern luxuries and live entirely off the land.
I'll even postpone date night.
Date night?
Every Friday, Nancy and I share
a romantic evening on the town.
And we don't go home until Nancy's out of money.
Huh.
I haven't taken Peggy on a date since...
Huh.
Hank, man, you talkin' about that thing about women, man,
you got to keep that dang ol' flame alive, man,
pitch woo, too, man.
Woo, huh?
Well, I did see a coupon to the Pasta Garden
in the Sunday paper.
A free iced tea with the purchase of any appetizer.
I'd love to take advantage of that.
I hope Peggy knows how lucky she is.
Hey, there...
beautiful.
Hank, what are you doing?
I am approaching you with romantic intent.
Peggy, will you go on a date with me this Friday?
A date?
Why? We're married.
Wait, are you gonna tell me something awful
in a public place so I won't make a scene?
Na!
Can't a husband take his wife out on a date?
I want to show you off.
Is that crazy?
It is the sanest thing you've ever said.
But what about Bobby?
Friday is our game night.
Bobby's 13 years old.
I don't think he wants to spend Friday night
with his parents anymore.
Come on, we could make this a regular thing.
Like cleaning the gutters or re-grouting.
Hank Hill, if you treat me as tenderly
as you treat those gutters,
it's gonna be quite a night.
Guess who found a bottle of Old Spice underneath the sink?
Mmm.
(laughs)
BOBBY: Ladies and gentlemen,
game on!
Okay, last week, things got a little hot,
but I promise not to flip over the board tonight.
Honey, your father and I are going out on a date.
We were thinking of making Fridays our regular date night.
Date night?
Oh, you got me!
Okay, you can be the little car.
Nice bluff, Mom.
Wait, you're serious?
Come on, Bobby.
I know the box says ages eight to 80,
but it's supposed to drop off a bit in the middle.
Fine.
I'll hit the mall with Joseph and his football buddies.
But don't blame me when your dinner conversation stinks!
Tell you what, we will pick you up on our way home.
Let's say 9:00?
Fine, great, sure. See you at 9:00.
Have fun. Okay, then.
I'm stranded out here in the wild plains of Arlen, Texas...
The Devil's Epiglottis.
As the temperature plummets
into the low 60s, a sturdy shelter
is all that stands between me and certain death.
It's funny.
Out here, I'm so vulnerable to the elements,
yet more than anything, I just miss my family.
The loneliness, that's what gets to you.
(car door slams, car alarm chirps, dog barking)
(crickets chirping)
BOBBY: Date night.
What's that about?
The Hills used to be a Bobby-centric family.
What if I'm not the center of their universe anymore?
My dad and I never do stuff together.
He says it's safer if we spread out.
I can't believe I'm stuck at the mall when I should be home
watching my dad tip over the Jenga stack.
The guy's all thumbs.
It's hilarious.
You sure love your parents, dude.
You're gay.
(chuckles)
Look at us, Peggy.
We're on a date.
Isn't it exciting?
So, Hank Hill,
do you promise to have me home by curfew?
Well, sure.
Unless the service is slow,
I don't anticipate there being a problem.
(groans)
Oh, uh,
w-we didn't order these.
They're complimentary, sir.
Complimentary salad and bread sticks?
Hank, did you call ahead and set this up?
I wish I could take credit.
This place just seems to specialize in class.
I don't care if she doesn't have a head,
that chick is hot!
(sighs)
You guys keep at it.
I'm just gonna go
wait outside for my parents.
Uh, are you kicking me on purpose?
Hank, I am not kicking you.
I am playing footsie.
Oh, right.
(chuckles)
You're it. (chuckles)
(car approaching, Bobby groans)
Finally!
Boy, what a meal.
I had no idea what kind of things
they were putting inside ravioli these days.
My friends, I hope you saved room for coffee and dessert.
Actually, coffee sounds great.
Really? Well, in that case,
uh, maybe I'll try this thing right here.
A wonderful choice, Mr. Hill.
Our Mount Vesuvius hot lava cake
takes about 20 minutes to prepare.
Will that be okay?
Go for it, Hank.
Lucky for you, I have a 20-minute anecdote.
When you're eight years old,
New Orleans seems like the other end of the world to you.
(lock clicking)
So this is how it ends.
Date night!
I wonder if it's too late for me to coach in the NFL.
I don't need to be head coach right away.
I'm willing to start out as an offensive coordinator.
(laughs)
Peggy, would you join me on my side of the booth?
Hank Hill, you are blowing my mind.
(sighs)
(cell phone ringing)
Hello.
Hello?
That's all you got?
Just what the heck is going on?!
What do you mean?
We're finishing dinner.
We'll be there to pick you up at 9:00.
Oh, really?
Well, you might want to check your watch, buddy boy.
It's 10:30!
Oh, my God.
Peggy, it's 10:30:
10:30?!
Where's Bobby?!
Bobby, where are you?
I'm at the Get In/Get Out.
I hope you're happy.
I'm watching prostitutes buy panty hose.
He's at the Get In/Get Out.
(gasps)
(alarm ringing)
Bobby, uh, sometimes married people
get caught up in a meal, and they...
Bah!
Honey, the thing is...
Don't want to hear it!
Honey, we had...
La-la-la, nope!
I can't believe it.
I-I don't leave my sunglasses in the car overnight,
but I leave my boy in a parking lot?
If he takes a hammer to our heads while we sleep,
I would not blame him.
It was an honest mistake, but we apologized.
Everything will be okay in the morning.
Right.
He'll be okay in the morning.
Hope you enjoyed your dessert.
What's that?
Hmm? Nothing.
Oh, Bobby!
Good morning!
How do you figure?
What is this?
Breakfast.
But...
this is a homemade chocolate chip waffle
topped with strawberries and whipped cream
and surrounded by a bacon perimeter.
Guess I was feeling creative.
Oh, Bobby, your father and I feel so bad about last night.
We lost track of time,
and, well, your father just had to have this lava cake.
So you're saying this is Dad's fault?
We could spend all day pointing fingers at your father,
but would that solve anything, Bobby?
Comics?
(both laughing)
Well, all right.
Morning, Bobby.
Morning... Father.
Make way for some hot syrup!
Thanks, Mom.
That meal was unnecessarily decadent.
It was a breakfast bribe.
She's trying to make me the scapegoat.
KAHN: Hey, Hank Hill!
I knew rednecks abandoned cars and refrigerators.
Guess we can throw kids on the list, too.
(guffawing)
Ah, dang it!
Peggy told Minh, didn't she?
She's gonna sell me out to the entire neighborhood.
(laughs)
Sweet, helpless Hank,
you wouldn't last one day in the wild.
Any skilled outdoorsman knows the female of a species
is always the most fierce and calculating.
That's why you never fight a lady monkey.
Yeah, Peggy Hill savage.
She going to turn your son against you...
Unless you match her bribe for bribe.
You expect me to bribe my son?
Bribe!
Uh, hey, there, Bobby.
About last night, uh...
see, the thing is, I was all ready to leave
when your mother ordered a cup of coffee.
I'm not trying to say your mother is responsible for this.
In fact, that's what I'm trying very hard not to say.
Uh-huh.
HANK: Uh...
Hey, uh, why don't you hit the arcade.
Go shoot yourself some...
zombies and such.
Um... okay.
Thanks.
Enjoy, Bobby. On me.
Your dad.
First a five-star breakfast and now free cash?
Dude, your parents are competing for your love!
You're like a child of divorce!
Wow! I didn't know kids with divorced parents had it so good.
Oh, it's a sweet gig.
My mom and dad are trying to prove who loves me more.
What should I ask for next?
The Cane Skretteburg concert.
This Saturday night!
It'll be wild and loud and overflowing with chicks!
My parents would never let me go to that.
It's perfect!
Unlike the majestic North American cow,
I can't subsist on grass alone.
I'm going to need to hunt for food if I want to live.
And I do.
Sh-sha!
Sh-shal
Dang it, she made him nachos?
(knocking)
(weak sigh)
(quietly): Come in.
Hey, Bobby.
Did you have a good time with the money I gave you?
Eh. Guess I'm just feeling
a little down today, you know? Well, sure.
Your mother chose coffee over you.
That would upset anyone.
Oh, I can't stay mad at her.
She does so many little things
to let me know how much she cares.
Uh, is there maybe one big thing someone might do
to show you they care?
No.
Unless...
Well, there's a thing I was hoping to go to
on Saturday night, but... What?
Well, it's a rock concert,
and I'd need to stay out a little past curfew.
Guess I'll just ask Mom.
We don't need her.
How much past curfew?
The concert would probably end
at about the same time I was being offered marijuana
at the Get In/Get Out the other night.
Oh. Uh...
Well, if it's really important to you...
And I've been thinking, maybe I should get a new bike.
You know, something that could safely deliver me home
when there's no one I could count on to pick me up.
I'm, uh...
I-I’ll be back.
(door closes)
(chuckles evilly)
I think this looks about right for my son.
Okay, so, do I wheel it up front?
Hank! What are you doing here?
Peggy!
Uh... nothing.
What are you doing here?
Well, I... I also am here for nothing.
Wait. Are you buying Bobby a bike?
That depends... are you buying him a cart full of toys?
(gasps): Are you accusing me of bribery?
Are you guilty of bribery?
I...
Oh, Hank, I feel so awful.
I neglected our sweet little Bobby.
He needed me, and I was not there for him.
(sighing): Ah, yeah, we both messed up, but...
spoiling him with ridiculous gifts
isn't gonna make things better.
Oh, you're right.
This all started because of our date night!
He just wanted to spend some time with us,
and we excluded him.
I know what we have to do.
So... we're getting the bike?
Not getting the bike?
What am I doing?
Joseph, a lesser man would have stopped at concert tickets.
But I, being a dreamer,
sent both my parents on a shopping spree.
Pardon me a moment.
BOBBY: Um, hey,
you guys need help unloading anything?
The cars are empty, Bobby, but we are not empty-handed.
In fact, we got you something very special.
Us!
You? You're giving me you?
All you wanted was to be with your parents.
Well, Bobby, consider that wish granted.
We promise never to leave you alone ever again!
Never, ever, ever, ever, ever!
HANK & PEGGY: ...and five, six, seven!
HANK (chuckles): Well, how about that!
Looks like I'm spending the night at the Hotel Bobby.
My Triple-A card is registered in the name of Hank Hill,
though I'm currently traveling as a shoe.
Will that be a problem, Mr. Hotel Manager?
(chuckles)
Good morning, Bobby!
(gasps)
How'd you sleep?
Did you miss us? Ooh!
We missed you!
Well, I barely slept at all.
I was too excited about all the things
we're gonna do today as a family.
More family stuff?
Last night didn't get it out of your system?
Are you kidding? We're just getting warmed up.
Okay, here's the thing:
Hanging out with you guys is all kinds of great,
but tonight's the concert at the Funzone.
A rock concert?
Bobby, there's nothing fun
about going to a rock concert...
...without your
parents! Oh, God!
(slurping)
In the wild, there is no greater survival skill...
Dale,
did you steal this stuff from the neighbors?
No. I trekked through the wild and foraged for it.
Ugh.
There is no greater survival skill
than the ability to start a fire without matches.
Lucky for me, the Arlen plains are rich
in natural propane tank deposits.
(hissing)
Come on... (quiet grunt)
(explosion)
Can you feel the electricity?
We are gonna rock it hard-core tonight!
What do we do till the show starts?
You know,
there's an arcade game I want to play,
but I just remembered, it's a one-player game, so...
I'll have to play by myself.
I'll check you later.
Whew!
It's awful, Joseph.
My only moment of privacy today
was in the bathroom... And even then,
my mom sat outside the door and sang to me.
Dude, that's pretty weird.
Unless... What song was it?
HANK: Hey, Bobby! Look at me! Bobby!
I'm skiing! Bobby!
Oh! What happened? Did you win?
PEGGY: Are you dead? Those trees are so blurry.
I think you're going light-speed!
Hey, Bobby.
Joseph said you're going
to the Cane Skretteburg concert.
We should headbang when they play "Screeching Weasel."
Well, I was planning to go to the concert, but...
Hi! Peggy Hill!
I love Cane Scattersmith!
I also love my son, Bobby!
Um... have fun.
Hank! Grab Bobby's hand!
We'll be a family chain!
No more! No more family time!
No more following me around!
I can't gotdang take it!
But... you wanted to be with us.
You felt so alone; you had nightmares.
(groans) I was faking.
Now, don't get me wrong, I was upset when you forgot me.
I would've gotten over it eventually,
but then I found myself at the center
of a full-blown gift-giving competition.
And that's not a bad place to be.
Your father should not have tried to pay you off.
That was wrong. Me?
Peggy, you woke up at 5:00 a.m. to cook the boy breakfast.
Only because he was acting so upset.
He wouldn't even talk to us!
Because you guys left me alone
in a scary parking lot for an hour!
Huh.
I guess we all made some mistakes.
But if time to yourself is what you really want...
(rock music playing)
Abbondanza!
Now I guess you're gonna need a new shelter.
Good thing you're such a skilled outdoorsman.
Okay, I quit.
(thunder rolling)
The skies have grown hostile.
I've got a lot of work to do
if I'm gonna make it through the night.
CLERK: So... we're getting the bike? Not getting the bike?
What am I doing?
Ripped By mstoll
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