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Ripped By mstoll
Welcome to Speakerz Music.
Can I help you find something? Yes.
I have discovered this new singer.
His name is Michael Buble.
He's a crooner.
Huh. I always assumed that
people who wanted to buy that type of music
would do it anonymously online.
You can buy music online?
Ooh... I, I need the cassette.
Cassette?
Hey, do you have that song that goes:
♪ Na-na, na-na, squow-squow, nowt ♪
♪ Na-na, na-na, squow-squow. ♪
I'm sorry, I got to... yeah.
('90s pop music plays)
If you ask me, people gave up
on cassingles much too quickly.
(music slows, stops)
Huh. Remember that old polygamist compound?
Looks like they turned it into a restaurant.
I had no idea.
I realized something today, Hank.
I don't move and shake the way I used to.
I'm just not as plugged in anymore.
Well, sure you're plugged in.
You're the one who told us about aloe vera.
Am I just going to listen to the same cassettes
and wear the same clothes until the day I die?
Well, not if they wear out.
Hank, I don't want to be one of those people
who still writes checks at the grocery store,
or wears sweatpants to the mall.
Not yet.
You know, from the dates on these tapes,
I lost touch 12... Nope, 13 years ago.
I wonder what happened to me.
Hey, guys.
Hmm, I guess we'll never know.
Hey, Dad?
I was thinking.
One of the things I like most about you
is that you have such good manners.
Thank you.
There's this class I can take that could teach me,
well, to be more like you.
What kind of class is that?
It's called cotillion.
"Cotillion."
Isn't that where the girls learn to curtsey
and wave their handkerchiefs and whatnot?
The girls do that, and the boys
learn to be little gentlemen.
And it only takes six Saturdays.
Uh...
you know, Bobby, ROTC has an after-school program.
They'll teach you manners and military history.
I think that's a better option.
(sighs)
Here's the deal, Dad.
I'm in a dating rut.
Because of all my comedy bits,
I'm in the friend zone
with the girls at school.
Kids from all over Arlen take cotillion classes.
It'll give me a chance to meet new girls.
(sighs) If this is just an elaborate way
for you to get to dress up and parade around...
I'm not going to lie to you, Dad.
I am going to love it!
But this girl problem is real.
Well, your handshake could use a firmer grip,
and a faster upswing.
Thanks, Dad!
BOY: Yee-ah! (laughs)
(indistinct conversations, laughter)
Wow! A whole new crop of girls.
And not one of them has seen my
"flatulent monkey visits the post office" routine.
You know, Bobby,
I think the drunks say it best.
Sometimes you have to accept the things you cannot change.
Sure, you used to be up on things,
and maybe those days are behind you,
but you still have value.
Huh?
Hun Chin Ko. Hun Chin Ko!
She can't wait to get started.
(sighs)
Rafters.
What can I get for you today?
Uh, I think I'll try the meat loaf sandwich.
You think or are you sure?
'Cause once I enter it in, they start making it.
Yes, one meat loaf sandwich, please.
Uh, what's the procedure to get a table?
Well, you just sit wherever there's an open chair.
We're not "shee-shee" here, it's a barn.
Oh, oh, there's, uh, room at the big table.
Uh, I, I-I don't think you understand.
See, I'm not with those people.
No one's a stranger at the Arlen Barn!
(sighs)
Oh, did you hear?
With the new birth control pills,
you only have to have one period a year.
That's good, 'cause that patch
makes my boobs really sensitive.
Hm.
Mmm... How is it?
Well, let me put it this way.
This table smells like a diaper,
and this is still the best meal I've had in years.
(smacking): She loves chips.
(glasses clinking)
Anyone have an aspirin?
All this clinking.
You know, for a while now,
there's been something in the bottom of my purse.
It's either an aspirin or a breath mint.
Here it is... it's covered in lint, but you can have it.
I have some French aspirin.
It's amazing.
(gasps): Cute!
Where did you get that?
This thing? It was in the gift bag backstage
at the Gwen Stefani concert.
There's separate compartments
for Eastern and Western remedies.
Gwen thought of everything.
Ooh! Really? Wow!
Oh, I don't know her.
I had to take my daughter Michael.
Oh, I think you meant your son Michael.
You just said daughter.
I-I think you meant son.
Oh.
(gasps)
Your bag is delicious!
I've been looking for one just like it.
I know, right?
It's made out of vintage Star Wars bedsheets.
My friend makes these.
Well, she did,
before she got cast on Saturday Night Live.
Wow (chuckles).
And that is the proper way
to remove a lady's coat.
Do not yank!
Whew!
Here we go.
May I take your coat, miss?
INSTRUCTOR: Eye contact!
Yes, you may.
INSTRUCTOR: Do not yank!
Introductions!
I'm Michael.
What if I told you my name was Amanda?
It's not. It's Bobby.
(laughs) You're funny.
That's major.
"Major"?
Sorry, they use it in Britain.
It means, you know, "cool."
Like perfume that smells like dirt
or numbers used as letters.
Sure it's snake poison, but it lasts longer than Botox.
(groans): Judging by how long it took them
to learn how to eat soup, this junkhausen
could go on forever.
Who wants to go to this new wine bar a block over?
Oh, that sounds great.
There is nothing like an afternoon Chardonnay.
Uh... I'm not sure if they still have that.
They've got mostly Gruner Veltliner and Spanish Duero.
Oh, well, whatever.
Pour it in a glass and throw an ice cube and I'm happy.
(chuckles)
You're fun.
You say what you think,
like you're already drinking.
Now, I got to warn you...
The DJ spins tons of Danish prog rock,
but usually it's stuff you haven't heard.
It seems like people who already know about this place
are the only ones who could ever find it.
Secrets are fun, huh, ladies?
Yeah, about that.
Can I get y'all to, um, look away?
It's also a secret where the doorbell is.
He's trained to remove the uncool.
I'm a goner.
Okay, Peggy, reject them before they reject you.
Uh, I just saw my ex!
I can't go in!
(gasps) We're in.
You bet I'm in.
And I am never leaving.
Michael is the coolest girl.
She uses words we know
in ways that you'd never expect.
And her mother Katt!
She is so hip!
She walks with this interesting straight-legged saunter.
I think I should start doing that.
Stop that.
Your gait is fine the way it is.
I want Michael to be my girlfriend.
And I want Katt to be my girlfriend.
(sighs)
Oh, I know it sounds silly,
but I need a friend like Katt right now.
How great would it be to have doors open for me
and people ask me what I like, so they know what to like.
I would never be out of the loop again.
I'm excited for all of us!
Hank, I'm honored that you'd want
to spend a weekend meal with us.
Uh, no offense, Bill,
but I just need you guys as a buffer.
The only table that's ever open
is the big table, and I want to be surrounded.
Still honored.
Go! Grab it!
(sighs): Thank God.
That pregnant woman was fast,
but we wanted it more.
Your surname "Babcock"?
No, it's Dauterive.
Huh. You look like you're a kin
of the Lubbock Babcocks.
(gasps) Tell me about them.
Well, there's Johnnie Babcock.
He's a racist.
Then there's Donita.
She works for the water department.
How was school today, Ms....
Good-bye.
Hun Chin Ko, it's improper
to say "good-bye" unless the end
of the conversation is mutually reached.
May we have the next pair, please?
Hey!
Hello, this is Robert Hill
calling for Ms. Michael Savage.
Is she available, please?
You are speaking to Ms. Savage.
Hello, Mr. Hill.
Oh, Mr. Hill is my father.
My friends call me Bobby.
You should call me Robert.
I, I know we just met the other day,
but I feel like I've known you forever.
I bet in no time we will be
completing each other's...
Hi, again.
I want to say Penny.
Peggy.
I must ask:
What is a contemporary woman like yourself
doing in this class?
I mean, cotillion hasn't been cool for,
you know, five years.
I know.
Cotillion isn't even retro.
But Michael wants me to throw her a fancy birthday party.
So she's going to learn grace and poise
and all that "biz-naz."
Really? You know who loves birthday parties?
My son Bobby.
He pins the tail on the donkey like a surgeon.
We both do.
You know, I still haven't filled up my last table,
and the invites are being delivered tomorrow.
I should totally invite some of you guys.
Hey, you know what would make me happy?
A meal at the Arlen Barn
with my family strategically placed around me.
Now, I warn you, people will try to talk to you,
and that's fine, just don't pull me in.
We cannot go. We're waiting to see
if we scored an invite
to the children's party of the decade!
(sighs); Okay,
Well, I guess I could just
cover my ears with my hands,
but then how would I...
Headphones!
Mom, we have to get invited.
It... would be... the best!
It's true!
Oh, my God! I know!
(both squealing)
You two have lost your minds.
(doorbell rings)
(gasps)
Oh, it's just some box.
(gasps)
Wait a minute.
Whoo! Whoo!
See, you are cool.
Hey, let's go celebrate with a sandwich, superstar!
Oh, no.
I have a long way to go before I am cool.
But I will get there.
(sighs)
Now, Bobby, we have to find out
what's "in," and do/buy/read/hear/wear it.
We have got to "ba-ring" it to this party!
Those are great.
It's nice to see someone
not want the clear frames.
I can't tell you how many people come in and get those.
They're so trendy. I mean...
I'll take the clear frames!
According to a gadgets blogger
named "Quaalude," this is the "it" vacuum.
Are you sure?
This one seems more space-agey.
Oh, no. Seeing the dust swirl around is so over.
"Frittatas."
Nope. Never tried them.
Bill, the question is not if you have
tried them or not, just if you have heard of them.
Sure, I've heard of them.
"Cuddle parties."
No. Dang 'al nope.
I have never heard of those.
"Julia Roberts' niece."
Nuh-uh. Does she also laugh when she's startled?
This is asinine.
Don't you think people should like you for yourself,
and not because you know all this nonsense?
I cannot be myself, Hank.
I like socks and Chardonnay.
(startled shout)
(hushed): Son, son, your pants are falling down.
Here, I'll cover you.
This is the style, Dad.
Don't worry, I'm wearing two pairs of underwear.
Think of this outer underwear as part of the pants.
How about you wear pants
and I'll think about them as pants?
Bobby, we are ready for this party.
I've even invented a word for how ready we are.
We're "rizzidy."
(sighs): This is so exciting!
This'll be the first time
I've ever seen Michael's bare hands!
And I am just four marble stepping stones away
from being Katt's BFF.
That is "a friend one is very loyal to."
SOPHISTICATED MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,
(classical music playing) making her grand entrance,
the birthday girl, Michael Savage!
Hills in the crib!
Aw, yeah!
(music stops) Heavens!
(screaming)
(gasps)
(gasping)
(snickering)
Aah! My party is ruined!
My life is over!
Michael! Come back here!
Oh, this is so awful.
Maybe nobody noticed.
Erase them! Erase them!
Violet! Cayden!
Check everybody's cell phone.
Oh, Katt, I am so sorry.
I thought this was the appropriate attire.
Look, I know you didn't mean to show up and wreck
everything I worked ten months for.
Honestly, if it wasn't this,
she'd freak out about something else.
Still, I... I regret that we were the cause
of her freak out.
And there she goes.
I got to go coax Michael down from the tree house again.
Y'all way ruined Michael's party!
This was supposed to be
the sickest party in the world!
If this is a joke,
it isn't funny, like, at all!
It is totally obstructive!
(gasps)
I'd like to order
a meat loaf sandwich, please.
That won't be necessary.
I'd like it to go.
Sure. If you'll just have a seat,
we'll bring it right out to you.
(sighs): Never mind.
We have got to get out of here.
I have never been that humiliated
in front of that many people.
I definitely have.
But still, that was pretty bad.
(footsteps approaching)
Someone's coming!
Quick! In here.
I don't hate Kendice,
I'm just saying her mother's a belly dancer.
(relieved sigh) Whew!
Oh, my God.
What is this place?
It looks like the lair of a crazy human
or a smart animal.
I know, right?
Aah! Oh, Lord!
Oh, I swear, we were not snooping,
we, we were just trying to find a way out.
(sighs)
I never wanted anyone to see this.
I don't know, maybe I did,
since I didn't keep it locked or anything.
You're not going to lock it now, are you?
Ah, being as cutting edge as I am,
it's a full-time job. Seriously.
I wake up when it's still dark to watch the European news.
Then I check in with the club kids
just before they go to bed.
I read 142 blogs a day, every day, every hour.
And look at me, I'm texting right now.
Huh. Wristbands are out.
Sure, all of this seems crazy.
But I don't know, I guess that's the price you pay for glamour.
I mean, look at this bag.
Mm, that's an Uchi Tomagoi.
It's not coming out for three months.
I believe it.
It looks like it's from the future.
I want this bag,
that collage, your life!
Trust me, you don't.
See, I follow trends.
All of them, no matter what...
Piercings, colonies,
trendy surgeries, online affairs.
I've even done some street fighting.
You think Katt Savage is my real name?
It's not.
It's Barb Davis.
And now...
I'm free.
(laughs)
I-I do not understand.
I knew I was drawn to you for a reason.
I must've had a subconscious need
to break away from all this.
Oh... so, I am so "uncool,"
I snapped you out of your hip trance?
Exactly.
Peggy, you aren't driven by trends
or fashion or snarky Web sites.
You don't need to be.
You are your own person.
And I think that's way cool.
Well, come to think of it, so do I.
So, what are regular people into these days?
For starters, we buy all our makeup
at the grocery store.
What about me and Michael?
Are we, uh...?
We are not.
MAN (on TV): I had a nightmare I was being chaste.
MAN 2 (on TV): Who was chasing you?
No "chaste."
As in "no intercourse." It was horrible.
TEENAGE BOY (on TV): What's "intercourse"?
Is that like a car race?
(both laughing)
(phone ringing)
Hill residence.
May I speak to "Mr. Robert Hill?"
This is he.
"I am calling because I would like
to ask you out on a date."
Yes! (gasps)
May I ask who's calling?
(window whirring)
It's done.
Ah! Great.
Money first.
What the...?
Uh, they gave it to me
and it had a bite out of it, you know.
(window whirrs)
(sighs)
Mmm-mm-mm!
COTILLION INSTRUCTOR: Do not yank!
Ripped By mstoll
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