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Ripped By mstoll
Breakfast race! Breakfast race!
(coughing)
(choking)
(slaps back)
(wheezing)
(sighs)
I win!
No fair! Interference from the wife!
(sighs)
Dale, for the last time,
you cannot store your poisons in the fridge.
We keep our food in here.
Come on! I labeled it this time.
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Nancy, Tom Chick here.
We just got a hot tip about a breaking story.
I want you to cover it.
I'm on it, Tom. Give me the details.
A student at Durndle Elementary
brought his pet possum to school.
And?
What? Did it bite somebody?
No. It's a baby, and it's cute. Go film it.
(sighs)
Sure thing, Tom.
Dang it, I'm sick of doing these stupid animal stories.
But that's the cutest part of the news.
Well, I'm tired of cute.
Cute doesn't win you a local Emmy.
I'm bigger than possums, sugs.
But this could be big.
Come on, you're a genius at making something from nothing.
You made Joseph.
You're right.
If I'm gonna get ahead, I have to do it myself.
I didn't know you were allowed to say that word on TV,
let alone advertise a product for it.
ANCHORMAN: Welcome back.
We've all heard of playing possum,
but what about playing with a possum?
Nancy Hicks-Gribble reports.
I'm here at Durndle Elementary
with Billy Cook and his little friend.
What's your pet's name, Billy?
Oranges!
And how did you sneak Oranges past school security?
What's security?
Exactly.
A question far too many schools are asking.
Billy and Oranges stand here as a chilling reminder
of the tragedy that could've befallen this school today.
If this boy had been an intruder,
and this marsupial a gun,
"Show and Tell" could've had a much different
and deadlier outcome.
I'm Nancy Hicks-Gribble
reporting on this dark day in Durndle.
That poor school.
What?! That wasn't even a story.
It was just a bunch of it's.
Hank, what could have happened is often more important
than what actually happened.
BOBBY: This is terrible.
If someone could bring a possum to that school,
what's stopping them from bringing one to mine?!
(sighs)
That classroom intruder story has me all on edge.
I miss the days
when all I had to worry about was getting pantsed.
Yeah, school's supposed to be my time to relax,
but I'm so tense!
KLEEHAMMER: Okay, people,
eyes front!
We're not getting caught with our trousers down
like those poor saps in Durndle.
If any crazies try to get into this school,
you're gonna know how to fight back.
But what can we do?
We're just kids.
What...? You knuckleheads are loaded for bear,
and you don't even know it.
The contents of an average knapsack contains
at least 13 ways to disable a man.
You see a pencil, I see a spear.
A squirt of juice box can blind your assailant.
Cool! Awesome!
But the textbook can cause the most damage
from the greatest distance,
like a boomerang or the Cherokee throwing hammer.
Now, let's see what you've got.
Ooh! Nice shot!
Ow! Ooh. Well done!
Well... Oh, gah.
Keep it up!
Yup.
Mm-hmm.
(car horn tooting)
Sugs!
You are not gonna believe this!
My possum story is so popular,
it got picked up by 12 affiliates!
Wingo! Congratulations!
All right. Huh.
This is so exciting.
Course, I don't know what an affiliate is,
but I'm just happy you're happy.
It means my wife's face is gonna be broadcast across Texas.
Nancy, your prison fan mail is about to quadruple!
Ooh, you're right.
But this isn't about the glory.
I'm just happy to be making the world safer
in as many markets as I can.
Am I the only one who realizes that this story isn't news?
How can you say that
after what happened in Durndle?
Nothing happened in Durndle!
Oh, thank God.
(yelps)
Direct hit, Joseph!
What the heck are you kids doing?
Practicing our book aim, dude.
Mrs. Gribble's story freaked everybody out at school,
so Coach Kleehammer said us maggots need
to know how to protect ourselves.
He says in this time of uncertainty,
we have to be vigilant and ready to throw things.
But today is no more uncertain than yesterday
because nothing happened.
Thank God.
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Nancy Hicks-Gribble?
Hi. This is Bret Winslow,
general manager of KUMT in Dallas.
The News Mountain?
That's right.
Listen, I caught your classroom intruder piece,
and was very impressed.
So impressed that I'd like to offer you a job.
Oh, my God!
I mean, I knew it was good,
but I didn't know it was Dallas good.
This is incredible! I...
(sighs)
I don't know if we can leave Arlen.
My son is in school here,
my husband has a job... kind of.
Are you crazy? Say yes!
Dale, what are you doing on the phone?
I monitor all incoming calls.
Nancy, you said you wanted something bigger,
and this is huge!
You go, we'll make it work.
Yeah. Do it, Mom!
That's my boy, monitoring the monitor.
So, what do you say, Nancy?
I'll take it!
Yay!
Let's meet in the kitchen for a hug!
(phone ringing)
Uh, I locked myself in the basement.
Be right there.
Dale, are you sure you'll be okay with Nancy away in Dallas?
If you need a home-cooked meal,
we can go over to Hank and Peggy's.
Are you kidding?
This is gonna be great.
I can finally do all the things Nancy won't let me do.
You know, Dale, just 'cause Nancy isn't around,
doesn't mean you can do whatever you want.
Uh, actually, that's exactly what it means, Hank.
(gasps)
I can't believe this is happening!
Me, a reporter in Dallas!
I've wanted this ever since
I stepped in front of a green screen.
Oh, I'm so nervous.
What if I can't make it in the Metroplex?
Oh, of course you can, Nancy.
You're ruthless.
Remember when you paid that kid with impetigo
to hang out with your homecoming queen competition?
MINH: Yeah.
You look sweet, but you'd go for the windpipe
first chance you get.
Oh, thank you, sugs.
Well, the car is packed and ready to go.
Uh, Nancy, are you sure about this?
You know, leaving Dale alone, uh, with your son
and your house, which you still owe money on?
This is my chance, Hank.
Besides, Dale will be fine.
He can survive anything.
He's like one of his cockroaches.
Mom, has your luggage been out of your possession
since you packed it?
Yeah. Security breach.
Joseph, sniff the bags.
All right, ready, camera one?
I need a single on Nancy.
Prep the graphic.
And... go, camera one.
Councilman Schneider could not be reached for comment.
Wade and Gwen, back to you.
Well, thanks for that report, Nancy.
And that's the news for tonight.
I'm Gwen St. James.
And I'm Wade Bixby.
Good night and remember,
we move mountains to bring you the news.
And we're out.
Nice job, Nancy.
You looked good out there.
Thanks. It felt good.
So, Nancy, every night, we gather in my office
for a little, uh, post-show analysis,
aka "Happy Hour."
(laughter)
That's us-- think tank by day, drunk tank by night.
Just be careful.
After a couple a drinks, Wade gets a little grabby.
I do.
Well, I guess I don't have to rush home
to my family like I usually do after work.
You know, a drink sounds nice.
NANCY: Vodka, this is Chopper One.
Traffic is clear from my mouth to my stomach.
Whoo!
Give me the keys, Nancy.
I want to buzz my ex-husband's girlfriend's condo.
(laughing)
(shouting): I'm... Wade...
Bixby!
Have you guys seen Dale lately?
It makes me nervous when I can't see him.
Nope. And with Nancy being away,
I figured we'd hang out all the time.
A couple of bachelors, out on the town,
up to no good.
But things are the same.
(banging, crashing, clattering in distance)
(dog barking in distance)
Hey, fellas, check it out!
Only four more A/C units to go,
and my transformation to igloo status
will be complete.
Dale, you giblet-head.
What are you doing to your house?
Reclimatization, Hank.
At the rate this world is cranking out carbon dioxide,
we're just begging for another Ice Age.
If I prepare my body for sub-zero temperatures now,
I'll be able to enjoy the glaciers
rather than be killed by them.
Wow, you're really on top of things.
Dale, this is crazy.
Does Nancy know what you're doing here?
Maybe you like to bore Peggy
with all your little projects,
but I'm not going to bore my wife with mine.
Hey, Gribble, where should I put
the walrus before it wakes up?
Joseph's bed.
I hate basketball, but I love these martinis.
Yes, being a Dallas celebrity does have its perks.
Course, some of us spend a fortune
keeping this "lifestyle" off our face.
Isn't that right, Gwennie?
(both laughing)
Finally, more shrimp.
I hate that man.
Really? I always thought
you and Wade were having an affair.
We are. It's good for ratings.
Want to know how evil he is?
Absolutely.
Every year, the station sponsors a float
for the Rodeo Days parade.
Wade, of course, gets one of the seats,
and he gets to pick who sits next to him.
And every year, instead of me, he picks his dog.
Oh, sug.
You just made me hate Wade, too.
You know, I think it's time for some new blood
on top of that float.
And behind the anchor desk.
Hmm, couple of Texas beauties, perhaps?
I like you, Nancy.
You're going to go far here.
(clinking)
(speaking Russian)
What the heck is Dale doing over there?
Stop worrying about Dale for two seconds
and tell me what you think of this one.
Oh, I don't know, it's a dress.
Just like the last one.
Hank, Nancy was nice enough to invite
Minh and me to a fancy Dallas party.
The least I can do is look good.
But not too good, so Minh doesn't feel bad.
Well, make sure you tell Nancy
that her jackass husband
is one air conditioner away from an electrical fire.
(sighs) I knew her leaving him alone was a bad idea.
Vigilance!
(Hank and Peggy gasp)
Robert Jeffrey Hill, have you lost your mind?!
Always check under the bed.
That's Home Safety 101.
Out. Okay.
But tomorrow, we work on closets.
(classical music playing)
I respect Wade, but I worry about him.
A man his age, sneaking off to Mexico.
Bringing back experimental
black market pharmaceuticals.
I know he is a local broadcasting legend,
but maybe it would be best...
You know, for the station.
...if Nancy and I represented
KUMT on the Rodeo Days float.
Hmm, well, I am getting a little tired of that beagle of his.
I'll give it some thought.
Nice work, partner.
I thought I had game, but I am impressed.
(clinking)
Excuse me, Gwen, my friends have arrived.
Hey, sugs!
Welcome to the fabulous life, girls!
Now, don't be intimidated by all these beautiful people.
Inside, we're all the same as you.
Yeah, well, thanks for inviting us, Nancy.
And we bring greetings from Arlen.
Everyone except Kahn says hello.
Oh, how is everyone?
Are they watching me on TV?
It must be exciting for them
to see somebody they know get so famous.
Yeah, real treat.
Ooh, see that lady?
The one with the fake everything?
We've been secret plotting
to get Wade Bixby fired.
But what she doesn't know is that
I'm secret double-crossing her
to get her fired, too. High-five!
Nancy, that's awful.
Well, I have to get ahead, sug.
Enjoy your drinks, ladies.
I have some rumors to spread.
What the hell was that?
I, I do not know.
I've seen Nancy with her claws out before,
but I had no idea she could be like this.
I both respect and fear her.
(air conditioners humming softly)
Oh, it's too cold in here.
I can't feel my baby finger!
Are you supposed to feel your baby finger?
(electricity crackling, air conditioners stop)
Dad?! Darkness!
Dang it, all my air conditioners
must've sploofed our electrical system.
Which is why we have to poach Hank's electricity
to keep the cold coming.
Help me find the jumbo extension cord.
(thud, Dale grunts)
Mm...?
Intruder! (screams)
(yelps)
(screams)
I got him!
(weak moan)
Dale?! Call Nancy.
You found this in Gwen's desk?
I just can't believe it.
I know.
So, so shameful.
Wade and Gwen don't deserve to go
anywhere near that parade float.
Nancy, I want you alone on the News Mountain.
(gasps): Thank you, Bret.
I will not let you down.
Wow, I got to get this thing out of the building.
Yes!
Looks like I'll be on top of the mountain, sugs.
Enjoy the view from the cheap seats.
(cell phone ringing)
NANCY (on phone): Hello?
Nancy! Oh, thank God I caught you.
Okay, Dale...
Can't talk, sug.
It's my victory party!
Next round's on me, sugs!
(patrons cheering) Whoo-hoo, yeah!
(weak coughing)
(sighs)
For the last time, Dale,
I'm sorry my son beat you up.
Even though you're the one who broke into my house.
Irrelevant.
C-Can someone open my beer?
The pain is too great.
Of course, Dale.
Eh-phtew!
(weakly): Heh-heh.
That brought me some pleasure.
So, uh, when's Nancy coming home
to deal with, uh, this?
My baby's way too busy for that.
Nancy's top dog at the station now, Hank.
She's even going to be in a parade.
Isn't that great?
Wait, Nancy's not coming back
because of a parade?
It does take a lot of focus.
Yes. And I'd like to be there
to support my wife, but thanks to your son,
my driving leg is broken.
So as father of my assailant,
I demand you chauffeur me to Dallas.
All right, fine.
If it'll shut you up.
Vengeance will be mine!
Retracted.
(band warming up)
NANCY (slurred): Hey, lady! I'm ready
to ride the mountain!
Have you been drinking?
Ugh, you look terrible.
We need to get you into makeup, stat.
I could have you killed.
And here comes the entry
from the Dallas Farm Association.
This is the first time in Rodeo Days history
a float has been shaped like corn,
made of corn and fueled by corn.
Better keep it away from the horses.
(both laughing)
Hank, I do not know
what to expect from Nancy today.
Last time we talked, she was full of herself.
And domestic champagne.
I'm sure she's fine, Peggy.
More baton twirlers?
Where's that tank they keep talking about?
Look! There's my Nancy!
Nancy!
Nancy, wave at me!
(slurring): Hello, Dallas!
Hey, goat!
(screams)
(all gasping)
My Nancy!
I'm okay. I'm okay.
(nervous chuckle)
Good night.
COMMENTATOR: Nancy Hicks-Gribble, everyone!
Wow.
Yep.
BRET: Oh, now this is a nice shot.
I can see why the Dallas Morning News
put it on their front page.
(both snickering)
Bret, I'm so sorry.
So am I. Clean out your desk. You're fired.
"Fired"?! Bret, wait!
Let me explain.
It was an accident.
I, I, I thought all those drinks
were just orange juice.
Save it, sweetheart.
You disgraced the Mountain.
Clearly some people weren't made for metro news.
Way to climb your way to the bottom.
(moaning, sighing)
Uh, Nancy?
W-What are you doing out here?
Waiting for the day to end.
Come on.
So you publicly humiliated yourself
and got fired for it.
Don't dwell on the past.
There are plenty of things to look forward to.
Like what?
I'm back where I started.
I got my crappy job back at crappy Channel 84.
And it's crappy.
Well, that's something.
Gainful employment and whatnot.
Listen, I know it feels like your dreams
have been crushed forever, but maybe that's okay.
A smaller market with less temptation
and fewer opportunities might be just what you need.
You're right.
A small market is where I'll shine.
I'll catch the eye of another big station
by annihilating my competition.
Oh, Miguel has plenty of skeletons.
I'll systematically destroy him,
and then anyone else who gets in my way.
Houston is mine!
DALE: Nancy, where are you?
I can't reach the fire extinguisher and I need it!
And I need new toast!
(sighs): Oh, forget it.
I'm too tired for Houston.
Coming, Dale!
That's it.
It's Dale. Huh?
Dale and all his nonsense keeps Nancy so busy,
she doesn't have the time or energy
to be like she was in Dallas.
So Nancy needs Dale more than Dale needs Nancy.
Huh. Weird.
That was a close one, huh?
(grumbles) It sure is great that you're home,
and not just for fire-retardant purposes.
I missed you.
Channel 84 must be happy to have you back, too.
It's quite an honor for them to have a big-time
Dallas reporter behind their anchor desk.
You're going to be all over
that one billboard they have.
(giggles) I guess you're right.
DALE: Sorry the house smells like walrus.
NANCY: Me, too, sug.
WADE BIXBY: I'm... Wade... Bixby!
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