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Ripped By mstoll
HECK: You call that a flag, Hank?
Dang that Milton Street!
(chomping)
(sighs)
Bobby, would you do me a favor and stand up?
I just want to see if you still can.
(grunts)
Come on, Bobby.
Why don't you come out
and help us put up Fourth of July decorations?
Thing is, Dad, that sounds totally boring.
It's cool if you're into boring, but I'm not.
(Click)
Room, now.
Whatever.
I was kind of in the mood for a nap anyway.
Almost every got-dang word
that comes out of his mouth lately is sarcastic.
And he's even lazier than usual,
if that's possible.
Hank, the time to shape Bobby's character is now,
while the material is soft.
In Bobby's case, exceptionally soft.
I don't know what to do here.
I've already taken away
everything Bobby considers fun,
except the plastic ice cubes,
'cause we all use 'em.
If I had a son going through a rebellious streak,
I would just love him out of it.
You rednecks are useless
as a bucket full of armpits!
No more breaks till we figure out
how to make Rainey Street Fourth of July
better than Milton Street's.
They beat us seven years in a row,
but last year was the worst.
I want to thank you all for coming.
And now,
I give you Washington Crossing the Delaware...
in lights.
(Popping)
(loud popping)
(booming and squealing)
Look! Milton Street has real fireworks!
(popping and booming)
You can have bunting for days
and hot dogs that plump to the size of footballs.
It's all about the sky candy.
Hank, I know you told me
to stop bringing everyone down in the alley,
but I hear Heck Dorland's in charge
of Milton Street fireworks again.
(coughing)
That guy has an unfair advantage.
As a former firefighter,
he can push the pyrotechnic envelope
while still taking all necessary precautions.
You better do something fierce, Hank Hill,
before Rainey Street becomes a poor man's Milton Street.
Good.
You're angry.
Now take it out on Heck Dorland!
You bet I will.
There's no way I'm letting Rainey Street down again.
Where the heck is Bobby?
We're gonna be late for church.
(shouting): One minute, 45 second warning, Bobby!
Bobby?
(groaning)
I'm trying to sleep.
Well, you succeeded.
Now try to wake up.
You're not missing church two weeks in a row.
What's to miss?
It's always-- no room at the inn,
born in a manger, stuff happens, the end.
Well, I'm sorry if the greatest story ever told
doesn't have enough twists and turns for you, Bobby.
Now get dressed and get your butt on your bike
and ride to church.
(door closes)
Come on, pants.
I'm waitin' on you.
(stomach growling)
Large pepperoni, thick crust.
The cheesiest.
Oh. Uh...
cash.
What is wrong with you, boy?
Why weren't you at church?
I was getting ready,
but I worked up an appetite looking for dress pants,
so I ordered a pizza, and that ate up a chunk of time.
Where'd you get the money?
(gasping)
He stole it!
Hank, you check the liquor cabinet,
I'll look between his toes for needle marks!
Stealing money from his own mother's purse?!
Who does that?
13 is that critical age
when boys come to a fork in the road.
And when Bobby gets there,
he might use that fork to kill us.
Isn't there some prison we can take him to?
Make him pee in front of some criminals.
That'll scare him straight.
Hank, maybe this is happening
because Bobby keeps missing church.
We need to get him back on the right spiritual path,
even if we have to prop him up and shove him down it.
(Lucky clears his throat)
If you can forgive my eavesdropping,
I can help your boy with his sins.
I'll take him to my church.
Your church?
Uh, that, uh...
Uh, n-no.
We cannot afford to wait another week.
Church is church, no matter how much
Lucky makes it sound like a restaurant.
Please let him go, Uncle Hank.
I'm begging you!
I don't want Bobby to steal my baby
and use her to buy pizza!
(loud screaming)
This is your church?
It sounds like somebody's dying in there.
No, Bobby.
Someone's being born.
We are all sinners!
Each and every one of us.
Sinner... sinner...
big sinner...
who repented!
The wise karate man knew
the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom.
Amen! Hallelujah!
Not the murderers, heretics,
liars, the fornicators!
Especially not the fornicators.
I used to be one of them.
They will burn!
And hell is all kinds of hot, my friends.
You burn yourself on the stove-- That's hot, right?
Icy cold, compared to hell.
Lucky, can I hold your hand?
If you want, you can hold both.
Is there anyone here
who is not on a first name basis with the Lord?
Any newcomers in the house?
Got one right here.
(grunting)
What's your name, son?
Bobby Hill.
Walk with me, friend.
Have you sinned, son?
Have you cheated, lied,
stolen, coveted,
idolated, been sloth-like?
I've done all those things.
I have disrespected my elders.
I have been slothful
in virtually every room of my house!
I even stole from my mother.
He stole from his mother!
Praise be the Lord!
I feel so awful!
I have a question for you, Bobby Hill.
Do you want salvation?
Yes, sir, I do.
Let me ask again, just to be sure.
Do you want salvation?
Do you kind of want it, or do you really want it?
Do you want salvation?
Do you, Bobby Hill, want salvation?
I want it!
I want it bad!
I want salvation!
Welcome to the kingdom of heaven.
I am saved!
Hallelujah!
♪ (up-tempo gospel plays) Are you ready for a miracle ♪
♪ Yeah! Ready as I can be ♪
♪ Are you ready for a miracle ♪
♪ Spirit will set you free... ♪
I got so worked up about Bobby
and this deal with Milton Street,
I accidentally put 87 octane in the truck.
I guess I'll be knocking
and pinging my way through this tank.
There they are.
Ooh, I hope Lucky's church fixed him.
Hey, guys, guess what?
I've been saved!
The preacher said I was in a bad place,
and if I didn't change,
the devil would burn all my skin off.
Well, all right, Bobby.
Sounds like they talked some sense into you.
They sure did.
I'm gonna go clean my room now.
You can't be pure of heart if you're not pure of room.
Good night and God bless.
Peggy, just to make sure we out-do Heck Dorland,
me and the guys are heading out
to John Redcorn's fireworks stand.
Now, I know it's dangerous,
but now is not the time to play it safe.
All right then. Be careful.
Mom, I'm gonna be home late.
I got to spread the good word and reach into the fires of hell
with Jesus's oven mitts
and save a few souls from getting extra crispy!
All right then. Be careful.
Dag nab it!
Talk amongst it.
What in the heck are you doing?
Saving souls, sir.
And I can see yours is up for grabs.
So why not repent right here, right now?
Get out of here, Bobby.
If those kids could read,
they'd be very upset.
Here you go, sinner.
This is for you, sinner.
And one for you, sinner.
Fornicator!
You're all fornicators!
And if you do not repent,
you will face severe punishment on judgment day!
That's right, fornicators, I'm talking to you!
Who will join me in the fountain?
Come on, let us wash away our sins.
Don't shake your head at me, sir.
I can tell from here that you are a for--
BOBBY: Attention, shoppers!
You cannot buy salvation!
These sparklers will blow your mind, Hank.
When you write in the air,
the words will stay there for almost a second.
For the last time, John Redcorn, I am not a narc.
Now, I've got a stack of 20s
and a tarp for the back of my truck.
Let's make this happen.
Be careful.
Some of these are illegal.
In Mexico.
ALL: Ooh!
HANK: Boy, wait'll Heck Dorland sees all this.
Have you ever seen a grown man cry besides Bill?
Well, you're about to.
Uh... I guess we've all seen Dale cry, too.
All right, here we go.
Get ready for some taunting.
Hey, Heck,
we just wanted to invite you over
for a real fireworks display.
You're gonna see it from here anyway,
you may as well have a front row seat.
Well, thanks, Hank, I'd love to see your little sparkler show,
but I'll have my flame-resistant,
Kevlar-protected hands full.
Oh, and, uh, dibs on the alley--
I'm gonna need room for a cherry picker
and two forklifts.
Cherry picker?!
Damn it!
(engine revving)
What can we do to top Heck Dorland's cherry picker?
We need one of those inflatable things that, that goes like...
(spluttering)
I've been saving these plans
for our nation's sesqui-bicentennial.
But dang it, we're in a crisis situation.
♪ ♪
Hank Hill, is there anything you cannot do in this garage?
Yep, I know what I've said
about papier-mâché in the past,
but for my country and to shut up Milton Street,
I was willing to put my contempt aside.
Lucky's church was great!
We pulled down the devil's pants
and spanked his evil red butt.
How was your church, Dad?
Well, I didn't make it to services this morning, Bobby.
I was kinda busy here.
You chose Uncle Sam
over worshipping our Lord and Savior?
Interesting.
Lord, please forgive my dad
for worshipping false idols.
Amen.
I smite thee in the name of the Lord!
Well, it's getting windy.
I better go make sure Uncle Sam's head
isn't exposed to the elements.
(gasps)
(coughing)
(gasps)
Oh, Hank.
Uncle Sam is gone, Peggy.
He's... he's gone.
It's okay, Dad,
this is a good thing.
You're free now.
Who could have done such a heinous thing?
Don't you mean righteous?
I know who.
Heck Dorland.
And he is gonna have hell to pay.
That bastard fireman and everyone else on Milton Street.
This means war.
(indistinct chatter)
HANK: Can I have everyone's attention?
Now, this is all that remains of Uncle Sam.
(gasping)
But it's enough to see
that the people of Milton Street are barbarians.
And now, though I'm reluctant to do so,
I'm turning it over to Dale, an expert in counterattacks.
I have identified three Milton Street targets
we need to hit to disable their July Fourth celebration.
Heck has stored the Milton decorations here,
the food here,
and their fireworks here.
And not to worry, our own fireworks are safe.
Yep. At this very moment
they are on an 18-wheeler, heading northwest
at approximately 90 miles an hour.
They're in Kahn's shed.
So you didn't go with my plan, then?
BOBBY: Dad?
I have something important to tell you.
Unless it's something about Heck Dorland, it can wait.
(whimpers)
(drill whirring)
(grunts)
What's all the ruckus?
Hey, my twinkly lights went missing.
(Bill grunting)
Rainey Street's been here!
Are you sure he didn't see me?
Heck's a fireman!
If he can see through fire,
he can probably see through dark.
There's no way they can tie us to the crime.
No got-dang way.
HECK (whispering): Here.
I recognize that head.
That's Heck Dorland's cowlick!
We've got to protect our fireworks!
(explosion)
No!
Happy Fourth, suckers!
HANK: Okay, we're gonna bombard them with rotten eggs,
fruit, incendiary dog bombs--
And sooner or later, they'll take off to shower,
leaving the shed exposed.
I think it's great how our hate for other people
brings us together.
I love you guys.
Please help me.
I'm trying to do your will,
but I'm just making things worse.
I-Is that your will?
C'mon, give me a sign!
Anything!
Yes!
Wait, that's too vague, I-I don't get it.
Come on, Bobby, your dad asked us
to gather as much Ladybird poop as we can find.
We're moving out at 2100 hours.
I don't know how many o'clocks that is,
but we'll figure it out together.
Lucky, you gotta help me.
I'm the one who destroyed Uncle Sam,
not Milton Street.
Oh, Bobby, that's bad.
That's real bad.
When I saw my dad going off the righteous path
I just wanted to keep him from going to hell.
You took the wrong message
from what that preacher was screaming at you.
You shouldn't go throwing rocks at others
until you've thrown a bunch of rocks at yourself.
Ah, I guess you're right.
Besides, saving souls ain't your job.
That position has been filled--
In heaven by the Big Man,
and on screen by Morgan Freeman.
BOOMHAUER: Load up'n 'em dang ol' fruit, man.
Dang ol' fire!
(groaning)
Take cover!
That's it, I'm showering.
Done!
Dang Rainey Streeters are full to brimmin' with biodegradables.
I may have to turn my fire hose on those sons of bitches.
Do it, Heck. Just do it.
You said-- you said it, you must want to do it.
Do it. Go on, do it. Do it!
I'm breakin' out the hose.
We're doing it!
They're down to two Miltonians!
Come on, let's go steal their fireworks!
He's got a fire hose! Get back!
(Dale screaming and spluttering)
(gasping and clamoring)
BOBBY: Wait!
This is a call for peace.
Hank, that's-that's Bobby!
Cease fire!
It's just a boy!
Milton Street, hold your fire!
Hold your fire!
Neighbors, you fight a senseless war.
Milton Street is innocent.
I-I wrecked Uncle Sam, and I worked alone.
And I let you Milton guys take the fall.
For that, I am really sorry.
July Fourth is supposed to be a coming-together-style holiday.
BOBBY: Sure, we may be from different streets,
but we all love the same things:
fireworks, hot dogs,
potato salad, fixin's.
So let's focus on that--
'cause America's having a birthday tomorrow,
and we're all invited!
(excited chatter)
Dad, I'm sorry.
It's okay, son.
You did a stupid, reckless thing,
but you made it right.
We raised a good boy, Hank.
Yes, we did.
A boy who's gonna continue to do the right thing
by cleaning up every bit of this mess.
Okay.
What the...?! Can't you see
Bobby's a decoy?
Long live Rainey Street!
That was a direct hit to my fireworks stash!
Duck and cover!
Let's get out of here! (frantic screaming)
Happy Fourth, Hank.
Uh, stopped by to see
if y'all had any fireworks left.
Happy Fourth!
Where's that kid from?
Applebee Street.
Applebee sucks.
Agreed.
BOBBY: I want salvation!
Ripped By mstoll
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