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00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
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00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:26,000
Ripped By mstoll
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I've identified
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two of your problems, Bill.
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There's no oil in your oil pan,
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but lots of it in your
windshield washer reservoir.
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I don't know if we can save
this engine.
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00:00:43,168 --> 00:00:46,092
Our best bet might be
to take out the floorboards
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00:00:46,088 --> 00:00:47,931
and make this a Flintstones car.
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I'd say you should donate it
to charity,
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00:00:50,259 --> 00:00:53,138
but charity people have
enough problems.
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Dang it, Bill, you know
this car deserves better.
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Sorry, Hank.
Sorry, car.
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Dale, you missed the trash can.
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Meh.
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00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:07,197
Hank, you will
never believe who is on
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00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:08,444
our answering machine.
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00:01:08,443 --> 00:01:09,569
Didi.
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00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:11,413
Didi?
What does she want?
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My dad's been dead over a year.
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I was hoping she'd
take that as the end
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of her step-mothering
duties.
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My guess is, with Cotton gone,
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Didi's probably lonely and
desperate for a new man.
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Prepare for war, Peggy.
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Shut up, Dale.
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I better go give it a listen.
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00:01:28,297 --> 00:01:31,096
Dale, you're gonna pick up
that can, right?
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00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:34,015
Maybe I'll pick it up,
maybe I won't.
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We call that suspense.
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(over speaker):
This is Didi Hill.
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Cotton asked
that I give you this.
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See you... soon.
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"This"?
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00:01:44,187 --> 00:01:45,609
What does she mean by "this"?
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We can't see
through the dang phone.
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This is bad, Hank.
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Nothing involving your
father ever turns out good.
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You know what I've
been wondering?
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00:01:53,196 --> 00:01:55,290
Was Grandpa a good dancer?
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Because-- no offense--
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There's no way I got my moves
from either of you.
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00:02:00,037 --> 00:02:01,630
Well, I don't think your grandpa
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00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:03,169
liked to dance, Bobby.
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Dancing conveys
a certain amount of joy
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that I don't think
your grandfather condoned.
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Okay, then,
what did Grandpa like?
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00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:13,176
Well, uh, he was a war hero.
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He killed 50 men...
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00:02:15,177 --> 00:02:16,929
and, uh, well, you know,
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that's a lot of, uh...
a lot of men.
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Hmm, there's got to be
something else.
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You must be very
proud, Mr. Hill.
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Of course I am.
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I killed 50 men.
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I killed 50 men!
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I killed 50 men.
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Hmm.
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00:02:40,452 --> 00:02:42,671
I don't think I know
anything about my dad.
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00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,506
Well, other than his hatred
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00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:47,172
of Tojos, Nazis and my mother.
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00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,966
Well, hatred was just about
all there was to Cotton.
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And...
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no, no, just hatred.
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Maybe it's normal
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not to know much
about your father.
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How much do you guys
know about your dads?
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If anything, I know too much
about my father.
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00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:05,523
It's all tucked away
in the corners of my brain
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that alcohol can't reach.
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I was able to piece together
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00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,408
an interesting
history of my father
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using mug shots and
dental records.
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My dad collects stamps.
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His favorite color is dark blue.
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Oh, and he loves paella,
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00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:21,418
especially when it's made
by his boyfriend, Stephano.
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00:03:21,410 --> 00:03:23,083
Well...
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Didi's coming by tomorrow.
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It might be my last chance
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00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:28,174
to ask her some questions
about him.
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So, are you going to
pick up that can, Dale?
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I have a to-do list
a mile long,
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00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:35,883
but when I get done with
everything on that list...
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00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:37,680
uh, I can't lie to you, Bill.
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I'm not going to do it.
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(yawning)
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(squeals)
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(doorbell ringing)
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Open that door, Dale!
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What do you want?
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I want you to pick up the can!
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Why me?
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You're closer. Geez.
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I swear.
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00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,869
It's like you don't have
any respect for me.
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Of course I don't.
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Look at you.
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(grunts angrily)
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I'm tired of being ignored.
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You're picking that can up
right now!
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00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:10,960
(grunts)
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00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:12,757
Oh, here's something
I've been curious about.
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00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:15,176
Did my dad ever use
the ratchet set
105
00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:16,845
we got him for his birthday?
106
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:18,092
The drop-forged one,
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00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:20,469
not the heat-treated one
we gave him for Christmas.
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That's your seventh question
about Cotton's tools.
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I think you should
try a new area.
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You know, all this stuff
about Grandpa got me worrying
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that maybe I don't know enough
about you.
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00:04:30,479 --> 00:04:32,356
Like, when you were my age,
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did you practice kissing
on your hand or your pillow?
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Yeah, uh...
115
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that question being
of a personal nature and such,
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it's kind of difficult to, uh...
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BILL: Pick it up, pick
it up, pick it up!
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Gribble and Dauterive
really going at it.
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00:04:47,662 --> 00:04:49,380
The chain-smoking anorexic
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00:04:49,372 --> 00:04:51,795
versus the heart attack
waiting to happen.
121
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,135
Who will die first?
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Let's watch.
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I don't know why
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you're so worried
about that can, Bill.
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If it's anything
like your ex-wife,
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it'll come to its senses
and walk away... forever.
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00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:04,058
(gasps):
You know what?
128
00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:05,977
I haven't liked you for years!
129
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:07,189
Hold on, Bill.
130
00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:09,401
Dale, the only reason
lever hung out with you
131
00:05:09,392 --> 00:05:12,020
was because of Boomhauer and Hank.
- Oh, really?
132
00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:14,990
Then how come just last week you
said you were my best friend?
133
00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:16,904
I pretended you were Hank
when I said it!
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00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:19,198
(gasps)
Okay, that's enough, you two.
135
00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:22,698
You're dead to me,
Bill Dauterive!
136
00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:25,701
Good, I'd rather be dead
than be your friend anyway!
137
00:05:30,872 --> 00:05:32,840
Boycott Dale Gribble!
138
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:36,178
He is an exterminator of bugs
and friendship!
139
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:39,389
Do not let him into your house
or your hearts!
140
00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:41,725
This fight seems
to be getting serious.
141
00:05:41,716 --> 00:05:44,185
Looks like I'm going to have
to do something to end this.
142
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,475
I'm going to go grab
a case of Alamo Gold
143
00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:48,894
and sit them down
until this thing is figured out.
144
00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:50,642
I think it's too late for that.
145
00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:53,771
This has gone beyond a fight,
and has officially become
146
00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:55,022
a "dude-vorce."
147
00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:55,897
A what?
148
00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:57,194
A "dude-vorce" is what happens
149
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,067
when male friends break up.
150
00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:01,490
Parade magazine
did a whole half page on it.
151
00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:02,533
It's true.
152
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:04,952
I heard that one in two
male friendships
153
00:06:04,948 --> 00:06:06,746
now ends in "dude-vorce."
154
00:06:06,741 --> 00:06:08,914
It's so sad when dudes
grow apart.
155
00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:11,129
She's here!
Didi's here!
156
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:16,418
Hello, Hank. Peggy.
157
00:06:16,418 --> 00:06:18,386
Hello, Didi.
How have you been?
158
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:22,178
Excellent. I'm getting married
to a wealthy professional...
159
00:06:22,173 --> 00:06:23,174
wrestler.
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00:06:23,174 --> 00:06:24,892
Anyway, this box is for you.
161
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:26,637
Sorry, I'm so late
getting it to you.
162
00:06:26,636 --> 00:06:29,389
You have no idea how difficult
it has been to grieve
163
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:31,608
and fall madly in love
at the same time.
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00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,568
Now I have to go.
Wait, wait!
165
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,107
Are you sure
you can't stick around?
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00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:38,023
I have some things I wanted
to ask you about my dad.
167
00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:40,697
I'm sorry, Hank, but I had to
clear Cotton out of my mind
168
00:06:40,692 --> 00:06:42,786
so I could make room
for my new husband.
169
00:06:42,777 --> 00:06:44,620
But, but I have a list!
170
00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:47,992
"Did my dad like
Washington apples?"
171
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,371
What's in it? I can't
stand the waiting!
172
00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:54,839
Well, looks like
some of my dad's medals,
173
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:56,925
uniforms, some paperwork...
174
00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:59,011
It's his personal belongings.
175
00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:01,175
He must have wanted
you to have these, Hank.
176
00:07:01,171 --> 00:07:04,141
Maybe your dad did not
hate you, after all.
177
00:07:05,508 --> 00:07:07,556
Hey, a tape recorder.
178
00:07:07,552 --> 00:07:08,895
COTTON (on tape):
Hank,
179
00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:10,810
I know no parent ever wants
180
00:07:10,805 --> 00:07:13,558
their kids to outlive them,
but if you're hearing this,
181
00:07:13,558 --> 00:07:15,902
I guess somehow
you pulled it off.
182
00:07:15,894 --> 00:07:18,647
Anyway, here's a box
of my possessions
183
00:07:18,647 --> 00:07:20,194
and a list of my wishes.
184
00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:22,568
As the executor of my estate,
185
00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:24,945
you gots to do
everything I tells ya.
186
00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:28,199
It won't be pretty and you're
probably going to cry a little.
187
00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:30,200
Just remember, I'll be watching.
188
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:31,167
And laughing.
189
00:07:31,159 --> 00:07:33,662
That is all.
190
00:07:38,166 --> 00:07:40,385
Oh, that man had some nerve!
191
00:07:40,377 --> 00:07:42,721
All you wanted was to know
a little bit about him,
192
00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:44,180
and what do you get in return?
193
00:07:44,172 --> 00:07:45,594
His dirty work.
194
00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:47,968
Oh, I'm sorry, Hank.
195
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:49,185
Why are you sorry?
196
00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:52,181
My dad has made me
the executor of his will.
197
00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:53,932
I'm finally going to learn
something about him.
198
00:07:53,932 --> 00:07:54,933
BOBBY:
Wow!
199
00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:56,901
Look at all this shin jelly!
200
00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:58,190
And a gun!
201
00:07:58,186 --> 00:08:00,029
Oh, dear Lord.
Put that thing down!
202
00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:01,898
Let me see that list.
203
00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:06,324
Oh, I see he left Dale,
Bill and Boomhauer something.
204
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:08,538
And of course,
I see nothing for you
205
00:08:08,530 --> 00:08:10,248
on this list, Hank-- typical.
206
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:11,241
That's not true.
207
00:08:11,241 --> 00:08:13,585
My dad gave me
the greatest gift:
208
00:08:13,576 --> 00:08:16,079
the trust and honor
of handling his affairs.
209
00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:19,341
Honor? Have you seen what
he wants you to do, Hank?
210
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:22,461
"Give the finger to the bouncer
at Juggstore Cowboys."
211
00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:25,179
"Spit on the steps
of the Japanese Embassy."
212
00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:26,172
The man is dead.
213
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:27,719
You do not have to do this.
214
00:08:27,716 --> 00:08:29,434
Peggy, my dad entrusted me
215
00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:32,646
with his final wishes and I have
to see it through for him.
216
00:08:32,637 --> 00:08:34,605
I can't just throw
the list away.
217
00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:35,769
He's right.
218
00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:38,143
This thing is like
a treasure map of Grandpa.
219
00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:40,186
Can I come with you when you
220
00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:43,156
"slap the butt of some
brunette nurses at the V.A."?
221
00:08:43,314 --> 00:08:44,110
No!
No!
222
00:08:44,107 --> 00:08:45,199
(gasps)
223
00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:46,864
(whispers):
Tell him
224
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:49,454
I want my kiddie pool
and my leaf blower.
225
00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:51,414
Okay, uh, next issue.
226
00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:54,159
Gribble wants the kiddie pool
and his leaf blower back,
227
00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:55,536
as well as the alley
on Saturdays.
228
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,503
No sale!
We already gave you
229
00:08:57,495 --> 00:08:59,168
the Arlen High football tickets
230
00:08:59,164 --> 00:09:01,633
and the alley
every other Sunday.
231
00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:03,752
What the heck is going on here?
232
00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,846
Hank, when it comes
to a breakup,
233
00:09:05,837 --> 00:09:09,808
there are no winners,
only losers-- two losers.
234
00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:12,177
Can you guys just
put it on hold for a second?
235
00:09:12,177 --> 00:09:14,100
I have some stuff
I have to give you
236
00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:15,187
from my dad.
237
00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:17,649
Cotton brought that fork
back from Germany.
238
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,689
I'm, uh, pretty sure
he killed somebody with it.
239
00:09:20,685 --> 00:09:22,528
(gasps):
It's beautiful!
240
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:24,397
I love getting gifts, Hank.
241
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:26,195
I'm pretty sure Dale
doesn't know that though,
242
00:09:26,191 --> 00:09:28,489
since he hasn't gotten me
anything for my birthday
243
00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:29,987
for the last 14 years.
244
00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:31,203
That's right, I counted!
245
00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:34,200
What can you possibly
give the man who has nothing?
246
00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:35,792
Look, I could really use
247
00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:37,878
both of your help
with my dad's estate.
248
00:09:37,869 --> 00:09:40,167
So just punch each other
or grill a steak,
249
00:09:40,163 --> 00:09:42,712
and get this ridiculous
fight over with.
250
00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:44,050
Meat won't solve this, Hank.
251
00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:45,669
Not this time.
252
00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:47,670
So either pick
a side or get lost.
253
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,928
Now, where were we?
254
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,176
(whispering)
255
00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:53,768
Gribble's gonna need that fork.
256
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,182
No way!
257
00:09:55,178 --> 00:09:57,180
It'll go well with this knife.
258
00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:59,148
Give him fork, Dauterive.
259
00:10:02,185 --> 00:10:04,153
Well, thanks for offering
to help me, Peggy,
260
00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:06,440
but I don't know if
you should come in.
261
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:07,656
You've seen the list.
262
00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:09,777
This might not be
the place for a lady.
263
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:12,074
Hank, I'm looking
on the bright side.
264
00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:14,448
This list will let me
relive Cotton's death
265
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:16,074
over and over again.
266
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:22,630
Uh, thanks for meeting us,
Madame Francine.
267
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:25,125
Uh, this is for you
from my father.
268
00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:30,593
So, you knew my father,
apparently.
269
00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:33,137
Uh, is there anything you can
tell me about him?
270
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:36,854
(French accent):
Yes. Of all his platoon mates,
271
00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:40,566
Cotton was the most curious
and inventive lover.
272
00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:42,104
(groans)
273
00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:45,983
Uh, excuse me.
274
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,902
Are you two the Cleery sisters?
275
00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:49,149
Yes, sir.
276
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,493
Uh, this is from Cotton Hill.
277
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:55,455
I'm very sorry.
278
00:10:57,365 --> 00:10:58,833
(sighs)
279
00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:00,668
Oh, for heaven's sake.
280
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:03,163
(slapping)
Oh!
281
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:05,165
HANK:
What an awful day.
282
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,963
You know, I'm really
starting to wonder
283
00:11:06,958 --> 00:11:08,551
what the point of all this is.
284
00:11:08,543 --> 00:11:10,921
Maybe the point was
for Cotton to humiliate you
285
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,137
one last time.
286
00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:15,517
Well, all we have left
to do is deliver this spat
287
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:17,181
to someone named Fatty.
288
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,179
And then it's all finally over.
289
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,146
Thank God.
290
00:11:20,305 --> 00:11:22,273
Yeah, I guess.
291
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,528
(knocking on door)
292
00:11:28,605 --> 00:11:31,108
Hi, uh, I'm looking for Fatty.
293
00:11:31,274 --> 00:11:32,150
Fatty dead.
294
00:11:32,317 --> 00:11:34,160
I'm his son, Little Fatty.
Who you?
295
00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:36,120
Well, I'm Cotton Hill's
son, Hank.
296
00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:38,452
My dad was in the service
with your father.
297
00:11:38,448 --> 00:11:40,200
He passed away last year,
298
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,623
and he wanted your
father to have this.
299
00:11:42,619 --> 00:11:43,620
Oh, yeah.
300
00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:44,917
Daddy Fatty told me about that.
301
00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:45,880
I'll take it.
302
00:11:49,417 --> 00:11:50,464
(grunts)
(groans)
303
00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:52,588
What the hell was that for?
304
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,720
Oh, Hank, I know
you were looking
305
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:01,642
to find out something
about your father,
306
00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:04,608
but apparently it was
just not meant to be.
307
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:06,601
(sighs)
308
00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:08,444
(door opens)
309
00:12:08,436 --> 00:12:11,406
This key opens a box
at the bus station.
310
00:12:12,941 --> 00:12:14,659
And sorry about the stomping.
311
00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:16,244
That was Cotton's wish.
312
00:12:20,615 --> 00:12:22,208
Well, here it is.
313
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,828
Box 1942.
314
00:12:24,827 --> 00:12:27,080
Open it slowly, Hank.
315
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,048
It could be booby-trapped.
316
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:37,174
COTTON: "Boy, if you're reading
this, it means Fatty's dead.
317
00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:40,177
"It also means this last task
comes down
318
00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:43,430
to the one most likely
to screw it up... you."
319
00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:45,147
Oh, God.
320
00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:48,188
"Take what's in this box
and flush it down the crapper
321
00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:50,186
"that General
George S. Patton used
322
00:12:50,186 --> 00:12:52,188
"right before he left
to hunt down
323
00:12:52,188 --> 00:12:54,816
Pancho Villa in Mexico."
324
00:12:54,816 --> 00:12:59,037
Wha-what on earth would Cotton
want flushed down a toilet?
325
00:13:02,073 --> 00:13:03,575
Good Lord, Peggy.
326
00:13:04,659 --> 00:13:08,038
My dad wants me to flush him!
327
00:13:13,084 --> 00:13:17,806
What kind of man asks his son to
flush his remains down a toilet?
328
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,799
Look on the bright side,
Uncle Hank.
329
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,927
This would have been
much more difficult
330
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:23,928
if Cotton hadn't had
the foresight
331
00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:25,976
to cremate himself first.
332
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:28,976
Apparently it's some sort of
tradition in Cotton's platoon.
333
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:30,192
After one of them dies,
334
00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:31,777
the remaining members reunite
335
00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:34,522
to send their buddy off
to a watery grave.
336
00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:37,446
Which just happens
to be a toilet.
337
00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:40,662
Well, it doesn't sound very
respectful if you ask me.
338
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,655
But if that's
what my dad wanted,
339
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:45,204
then that's what I have to do.
340
00:13:45,199 --> 00:13:46,325
I don't know, Hank.
341
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,328
General Patton's toilet
would definitely be
342
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,956
in my top three places
where I'd like to get flushed.
343
00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:53,879
Right behind the one
Elvis died on and yours.
344
00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:56,469
DALE (on walkie-talkie): I want
my skeleton to be dismantled
345
00:13:56,461 --> 00:13:59,806
and sent in a box to
Singapore to be re-mantled.
346
00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:02,016
Dang it, Dale.
If you're gonna participate
347
00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:04,852
in the discussion
you have to be here in person.
348
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,096
DALE No can do.
349
00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:08,018
Not as long as
what's-his-fat is there.
350
00:14:08,014 --> 00:14:09,186
According to our agreement
351
00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:11,776
I have the alley from
3:00 to 5:00 p.m.
352
00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:13,190
Kahn said it's within
my legal right
353
00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:14,859
to pull his batteries
out at any time.
354
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:15,855
Hey!
355
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,152
Relax, Bill.
356
00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:20,152
So when do you and I
and not Bill leave, Hank?
357
00:14:20,151 --> 00:14:22,199
I've got my flushing arm ready.
358
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,914
What? Why does Dale get to
go flush the colonel?!
359
00:14:24,906 --> 00:14:25,998
I hate Dale.
360
00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:27,037
We all hate Dale!
361
00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:28,626
Dang it, I've had enough
of this.
362
00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:30,120
Neither of you are going.
363
00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:31,871
Boomhauer, we leave tonight.
364
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:34,090
Dang ol' yo, man.
365
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:39,175
(sighs)
366
00:14:39,170 --> 00:14:41,844
Let's get this over with.
367
00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:53,188
HANK:
Okay.
368
00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:54,401
There's the bathroom.
369
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:55,691
Let's go.
370
00:14:59,774 --> 00:15:01,572
What are you guys doing here?
371
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:03,490
You should be asking Dale that.
372
00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:04,487
Because it's Saturday,
373
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:05,830
and I get Hank on Saturdays!
374
00:15:05,822 --> 00:15:08,200
That was pending negotiation!
375
00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:10,042
So anyway, Hank, I was thinking
376
00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:11,627
that since I was
Cotton's favorite,
377
00:15:11,619 --> 00:15:13,087
I should be the one
378
00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:14,080
to push the flusher.
379
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:15,840
This is a military ceremony,
380
00:15:15,832 --> 00:15:17,129
and since I'm military,
I should flush!
381
00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:18,759
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
(shouting)
382
00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:20,173
I know what you're doing.
383
00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:21,512
You're trying to flush someone
384
00:15:21,504 --> 00:15:23,051
down Patton's toilet,
aren't you?
385
00:15:23,047 --> 00:15:24,390
Uh, well,
386
00:15:24,382 --> 00:15:26,180
it was my dad's last request.
387
00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:27,927
See, he was a veteran, and...
388
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,146
I don't care if he was
George S. Patton himself.
389
00:15:30,138 --> 00:15:31,185
I'm sick of all this.
390
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:32,807
Guys come in here all the time
391
00:15:32,807 --> 00:15:34,650
trying to flush their dead
relatives down that toilet,
392
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:36,019
and you know what
happens each time?
393
00:15:36,018 --> 00:15:37,190
My toilet gets clogged.
394
00:15:37,186 --> 00:15:39,188
And you know
who has to pay to unclog it?
395
00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:40,189
Me.
396
00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:41,190
But my dad's...
397
00:15:41,190 --> 00:15:42,157
Out!
398
00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:47,663
All your blabbing in there
reminded me how much
399
00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:50,329
I want to push you
into traffic-- mouth first.
400
00:15:50,324 --> 00:15:51,792
How dare you!
401
00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:53,161
Sucker punch!
402
00:15:53,161 --> 00:15:54,083
(both grunting)
403
00:15:54,245 --> 00:15:55,838
All right, that's enough!
404
00:15:55,830 --> 00:15:57,423
I've had it with your fighting
405
00:15:57,415 --> 00:16:00,009
and with my dad's asinine list!
406
00:16:00,001 --> 00:16:02,880
I'm going home.
407
00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:07,053
Boy, Hank was a little dramatic,
don't you think?
408
00:16:07,049 --> 00:16:08,175
Yeah. It's sad,
409
00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:10,804
but some people thrive
on that sort of thing.
410
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,146
Man, what, you kidding me, man?
411
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:14,353
Talkin' 'bout ol' yak, yak, yak,
blah, blah, bluh.
412
00:16:14,348 --> 00:16:15,645
Just shut up, man.
413
00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:17,769
Dang ol', just got to do this
for Hank, man.
414
00:16:17,768 --> 00:16:18,940
It's about Hank, man.
415
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,406
BILL:
Hank,
416
00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:24,571
we've got something
we want to say.
417
00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:25,910
We apologize.
418
00:16:25,902 --> 00:16:27,154
And we want
419
00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:29,076
to help you finish
what we screwed up.
420
00:16:29,071 --> 00:16:31,199
We want to help flush Cotton
down the toilet.
421
00:16:31,199 --> 00:16:32,371
(sighs)
422
00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:33,788
I don't even care anymore.
423
00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:35,912
And even if I did,
there's no way
424
00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:37,755
that bartender's
gonna let us back in.
425
00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:39,124
Don't worry about that.
426
00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:41,922
Cotton's going down that toilet
tonight.
427
00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:43,716
We have a plan.
428
00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:47,181
A plan that's going to distract
a whole bar full of people?
429
00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:49,096
It's not just a bar
full of people, Hank.
430
00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:52,432
It's a bar full of
military people.
431
00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:57,145
Yup, Vietnam.
432
00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:59,064
That was the toughest war
we ever fought.
433
00:16:59,060 --> 00:17:00,403
I heard that!
434
00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:04,649
At least we won ours,
you whiny dope smokers!
435
00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:07,152
World War ll was
the last great war!
436
00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:09,696
Man, the Russians did all
the dirty work for you guys.
437
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:12,448
Now Desert Storm--
That was the real gut check.
438
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:13,665
Desert Storm?
439
00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:15,877
You guys barely had time
to eat a falafel
440
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:17,495
before you hightailed it
out of there.
441
00:17:17,495 --> 00:17:18,712
MAN:
What abouts Grenada?
442
00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:20,547
Them medical students
was trapped!
443
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:21,837
Come on, you guys!
444
00:17:21,832 --> 00:17:23,175
Remember the rules!
445
00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:24,089
Not my rules!
446
00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:25,469
Hell with the rules!
447
00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:26,713
I can't read!
448
00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:42,403
Hank,
449
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,523
would you like to do the honors?
450
00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:46,149
Well, to be honest,
451
00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:48,196
I don't really have
anything nice to say.
452
00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:49,944
You go ahead, Dale.
453
00:17:49,944 --> 00:17:52,367
I think I've caused
enough trouble this week.
454
00:17:52,363 --> 00:17:54,206
Bill, why don't you?
455
00:17:54,198 --> 00:17:55,825
I don't deserve it, either.
456
00:17:55,825 --> 00:17:59,955
I'm embarrassed I got so upset
over a stupid beer can.
457
00:17:59,954 --> 00:18:02,082
And how I didn't help you, Hank.
458
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:03,754
I'm sorry to both of you.
459
00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:05,126
I'm sorry, too, Hank.
460
00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:06,966
And I'm sorry, Bill.
461
00:18:06,961 --> 00:18:09,885
When we get back home,
I'll pick up the beer can.
462
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:11,177
You don't have to.
463
00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:12,641
(voice breaking):
I want to.
464
00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:27,072
Uh, you know,
465
00:18:27,064 --> 00:18:30,068
I-I guess I did learn something
about Cotton this week.
466
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:32,069
Sure, he killed 50 men,
467
00:18:32,069 --> 00:18:34,117
but he didn't do it alone.
468
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:37,367
There were all kinds of Stinkies
and Fatties to help him.
469
00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:39,460
Those guys meant a lot
to Cotton,
470
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:42,456
just like you guys, uh,
mean a lot to me.
471
00:18:44,165 --> 00:18:45,838
It's a shame we never got
472
00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:48,177
to experience the horrors
of war together,
473
00:18:48,169 --> 00:18:49,386
but that doesn't mean
474
00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:52,131
I don't enjoy our,
uh, time together.
475
00:18:54,175 --> 00:18:56,553
Well, I guess we should do this.
476
00:19:00,181 --> 00:19:03,105
Hold on a sec, Hank.
477
00:19:10,399 --> 00:19:12,401
Attention!
478
00:19:18,199 --> 00:19:20,122
(toilet flushing)
479
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:31,546
Yup. I just got the bill
from the Chimney Pipe.
480
00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:35,800
I have to reimburse them $300
for that clogged toilet.
481
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:38,178
I guess we just have
to accept the fact
482
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:40,521
that even dead,
Cotton will always find a way
483
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,186
to disrupt our lives.
484
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:44,183
This one is on me.
485
00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:47,653
You know, Dad, you never
answered my questions about you.
486
00:19:47,645 --> 00:19:50,068
Well, you're right, Bobby.
What do you want to know?
487
00:19:50,064 --> 00:19:51,190
I'll tell you anything.
488
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:53,192
How do you like
your hamburgers cooked?
489
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,194
Medium rare. Three flips.
490
00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:57,162
Okay. What was it like
491
00:19:57,154 --> 00:19:59,657
the first time
you slept in a bed with Mom?
492
00:19:59,657 --> 00:20:01,876
How'd you choose which side
493
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:03,335
of the bed you'd sleep on?
494
00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:05,170
And did you start cuddling
right away,
495
00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:07,130
or did you build up to it?
496
00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:09,171
Well, uh, okay.
497
00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:12,090
Uh, let's start
with the bed question.
498
00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:15,097
Uh, I sleep on the north side.
499
00:20:15,089 --> 00:20:17,091
As for the cuddling, uh...
500
00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:18,885
(clears throat)
501
00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:21,137
Uh, Peggy, could you get me
some water?
502
00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:27,351
Hello. I'm Hank Hill.
503
00:20:27,351 --> 00:20:31,197
Clogged toilets are a serious
issue that affects everyone.
504
00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:34,112
I'd like to take a moment
to give you a few pointers
505
00:20:34,275 --> 00:20:36,118
on proper toilet usage
506
00:20:36,110 --> 00:20:39,205
so what happened in this episode
won't happen to you.
507
00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:42,200
First off,
items like cotton swabs,
508
00:20:42,199 --> 00:20:43,701
chewing gum, cigarettes,
509
00:20:43,701 --> 00:20:47,831
and, uh, lady things
should not be flushed.
510
00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:49,173
The basic rule is,
511
00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:51,167
never flush anything
down a toilet
512
00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:54,637
that doesn't come directly,
uh, from you.
513
00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:56,426
For tougher clogs,
514
00:20:56,422 --> 00:20:58,800
purchase a snake
at a local hardware store,
515
00:20:58,799 --> 00:21:00,801
or consult your local
yellow pages
516
00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:03,680
for a certified plumber
in your area.
517
00:21:03,679 --> 00:21:05,898
If it's a father
and son company,
518
00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:07,358
request the father.
519
00:21:07,349 --> 00:21:09,351
And finally, I want you to know
520
00:21:09,351 --> 00:21:11,353
that no pipes
were actually damaged
521
00:21:11,353 --> 00:21:13,355
in the making of this episode.
522
00:21:13,355 --> 00:21:15,278
Thank you.
523
00:21:52,394 --> 00:21:55,318
COTTON:
I killed 50 men!
524
00:21:58,500 --> 00:22:06,500
Ripped By mstoll
524
00:22:07,305 --> 00:23:07,858
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