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Ripped By mstoll
(baby crying)
Gracie sure spits up a lot.
She's definitely her father's child.
Wow.
This is a particularly good mail day.
Paycheck...
auto club magazine...
jury duty notice.
Oh, no.
West Arlen Youth Baseball.
(sighs)
Is it already time to sign up Bobby
for another season of baseball?
Or maybe this is the year we forget to.
People forget things.
See, Peggy, it's completely believable.
Hank, Bobby loves playing baseball.
And soon, he'll be all grown up,
and all we will have is memories.
(groans) The memories.
(Hank chuckles uneasily)
That's my boy.
That's my boy?
That... boy.
(sighs)
I just can't sit in the stands for another season
of parents looking at me with such... pity.
This never arrived.
You didn't see anything.
But you're not making any sense.
That did arrive.
I saw something.
Hey,Joseph just told me
the baseball forms came.
I can't wait
to play!
Now, where did I put that thing
you wear on your hand to catch the ball?
I love that thing!
They sure make protective cups look pretty these days.
Bobby might just have to fight me for this one.
Baseball,huh?
So, you're really going to do this again?
(sighs) Apparently,
I found the batting gloves I want.
Look at me, I'm a chicken!
(clucking)
(laughing)
(sighs)
MAN: Hey, Hank.
Getting Bobby outfitted for the season?
Uh, yep.
Again?
Yep.
I'm sorry, buddy.
BILL: Hey, check this out.
South Arlen started up their own baseball league.
Arlen South Youth Baseball?
Never heard of it.
I don't know anyone who plays there.
Which means nobody knows me.
Or Bobby.
A clean slate.
Get it off me.
Oh, it's eating my face!
(squeals)
(sighs)
This place is great.
The newly-cut grass,
the freshly-squeezed lemonade.
Exactly like my childhood...
should have been.
Skills Day?
These kids are being scrutinized and analyzed
like a herd of cattle at auction.
Which makes perfect sense.
Where do you think Kobe beef comes from?
Japanese baseball players.
Uh-oh, is that Chet McKay?
(sighs) No.
Just another idiot with adult braces.
Well, I think it's safe to say I don't know anyone here.
I tell you what, it's nice to make a fresh start.
I feel like a serial killer who relocated to Mexico.
ANNOUNCER: Number 231, Bobby Hill.
Okay, Bobby.
(whispering): Be discreet.
MAN: Hi, there.
Are you Bobby's father?
I'm Coach Bradford.
Bobby will be playing for me on the Stingers.
Ah... hello, Coach.
Uh, you know those chubby kids that can't run,
but can whack the hell out of a ball?
Well, Bobby's not one of them.
Uh, sorry if he costs you any wins.
In my experience, only losers talk about winning.
Winning's for losers.
I'm about support and opportunity.
I don't make wins; I make winners!
Delicious, nutritious winners.
And the happy by-product is,
by the time I'm done with your son,
he's going to be a hell of a ballplayer.
(chuckles)
Uh, well, I appreciate the effort,
but I know Bobby, and that's not really realistic.
Of course it is.
That's what this organization is all about.
See, ASYB is a strong network
of parents and volunteers all with one goal:
making better ballplayers and better children.
Parents and volunteers?
Can anyone make better children,
even if they never made children?
They sure can.
Non-parental volunteers are the most dedicated
and admired members of our team.
I'm in!
Take that, Big Brothers!
Okay, Bobby, this is a pitch and go drill.
He pitches; you swing and go.
Hit, no hit, you go.
Got it?
You hit, and what do you do?
I go.
You sure do!
And not just to first base,
but to every got-dang dream you'll ever chase!
Leg it out, leg it out!
(panting) Leg it out!
Leg it out, leg it out, leg it out!
You are a child with potential!
You are a reservoir of hope!
You are a winner!
I am proud of you!
(Pants)
You're making me proud of me, too.
Uh, about your outfit, Bill...
No.
I wear Arlen South Youth Baseball
on the outside
because I'm Arlen South Youth Baseball
on the inside.
Hey, Bobby.
How was practice?
Brutal.
I hurt in places you're always talking about.
Does that mean you want to quit?
Because you can.
You can quit baseball forever.
Quit?
No, I love it.
But right now, I'm too tired to make it to the house.
Can someone put down an orange cone
so no one drives on me?
(bat striking ball)
Well, this is the game right here.
Tying and winning runs in scoring position.
A hit, we win.
An out, we lose.
BILL: Hello, Hills.
Good to see you here.
Hey, you look thirsty.
Can I point you toward the snack stand?
I find nothing quenches the thirst
quite like a drink...
from the snack stand.
No, Bill, we're good.
We brought water.
Oh... why didn't you just go to the snack stand,
reach into the till and help yourself
to the money we rely on to keep this great program afloat?
ANNOUNCER: Next up, Bobby Hill.
What?
They're putting Bobby in?
He hasn't played all day,
and now the coach is putting him in with two outs?
Whoo! Oh, yeah, Bobby!
Show them what you got!
No, Bobby, don't!
He did it.
He accidentally did it.
That's as many hits as he had the last two seasons combined.
(cheering)
(whooping)
Well, I got to hand it to you, Coach.
I thought you were crazy putting Bobby in there,
but you must have known what you were doing.
Yeah, this is what happens
when you support a child. Huh?
See, I haven't given up on Bobby the way you have.
Poor kid. Shameful.
There should be a law.
(cheering)
I can't believe he said I gave up on Bobby.
I mean, maybe I have, but it wasn't all at once.
It was a slow, painful process.
(sighs) I always dreamed that Bobby
might be the hero on the ball field one day,
and then, when it finally happened,
I couldn't enjoy it.
Did you give up on your son?
Yes.
Was it particularly bad parenting?
Yes.
The important thing is,
you still have time to overcompensate.
Well, I'm going to start fresh with Bobby.
From now on, I'm going to support him no matter what.
You are truly one of the best fathers
who gave up on his son and changed his mind about it
that has ever lived.
You're really
going to help with practice, Dad?
I thought you gave that up back in T-ball,
that day I struck out looking.
Well, what should we do?
Why is he just standing there?
That'll dang ol' done strike three, man.
(sighs)
Well, the past is the past.
The important thing is, I'm here right now.
There he is: Great Bobbino!
We're here, Coach.
Ready for practice.
All right, Bobby, go do some sprints.
So, you want me to shag some balls
or chalk the field
or lead a pepper drill?
Where do you want me?
As far from the field as possible.
You come from a position
of negativity, and I want you to report
to someone who understands what we're trying
to do here: Bill Dauterive.
Maybe some of his
winning attitude will rub off on you.
(sighs)
I need to talk to you about Coach... Shh, shh.
No, no, no, no.
You listen to me.
You will double the salt, or you will find a new place
to peddle your sunflower seeds.
Good-bye.
Yes, sir.
How may I help you?
I came here to help with practice,
but Bradford won't let me on the field.
All I want to do is just watch my son play baseball.
Really?
Last I heard, you wanted to see him quit baseball.
Watch it, Bill.
I am just looking for an ass to kick.
(sighs)
I'll give it to you straight, Hank.
You're seen as a negative influence around here.
Before anyone lets you on the baseball field,
you're going to have to prove yourself,
show your commitment to the league.
Dang it, Bill.
How am I supposed to do that?
Large suicide, extra diet.
Diet?
You can't put diet in a suicide.
It will ruin it.
What button turns off the commentary?
Just pour it, jerk.
Hey, isn't that the guy
who gave up on his kid?
Yeah, I wish he'd give up on the snack stand, too.
DALE: Hello, Hank.
I'll have a cheeseburger.
Hold the lettuce, pickles, cheese, and meat,
and instead of special sauce, I'd like very special sauce.
Dang it, Dale, move.
Hank, this is not the kind of service I expect
from my employees.
I am not your employee.
Do you ever want to get on the field to see Bobby play?
(sighs)
A cheeseless, burgerless cheeseburger.
How would you like that cooked?
(grunting)
Come on, Bobby, you're a rainbow--
The fastest rainbow in the world!
(panting): Yeah, ooh.
Whoo, a personal best by .02 seconds!
That is how you do it!
You're going to be in the Major Leagues someday.
All right!
Hey, Bobby, I was wondering
if you wanted to hit the batting cages.
What are you doing?
I'm practicing my baseball card stance.
Coach said that one day, if I work really hard,
I could be a Major Leaguer.
What?
I should start figuring out
what team I want to play for.
Chicago has great fans,
but New York has the nightlife.
Well, I'm glad you're excited, but, uh, it takes a lot of,
uh, ability and whatnot to be in the big leagues.
Wait, are you saying you don't believe I can do it?
'Cause Coach sure thinks I can.
Look, I'm glad you're having fun,
but the big leagues is quite a stretch.
It's just-- I just-- I don't want you to be disappointed
when it definitely doesn't happen.
I'm sorry, Dad, but I have set my mind to it,
and that means with enough hard work and dedication,
it'll happen.
Right?
Well, son, uh...
Uh, I think you should play for the Yankees.
All right, let's show 'em some stick there, Bobby!
You know, Hank, staring out the window
sure isn't proving your commitment
to the organization.
Dang it, Bill,
I need to talk to you about Coach Bradford.
He's raising Bobby's expectations,
and that's the wrong direction
for that boy's expectations to go.
Uh-huh.
Is a little bit of positivity a bad thing?
Well, sometimes yes.
This isn't going to end well.
Bradford's just setting Bobby up for one big fall.
Envelopes.
Better get back on task
if you want to get back on that field.
Now, I'm off to get wined and dined
by the sunflower seed people.
So you'll have to answer my calls.
If there's an emergency, you can reach me on my cell phone.
Understood?
Dang it, what did I miss?
How'd Bobby get to third?
(phone ringing)
Hello.
BRADFORD: It's Bradford.
Who's this-- Bobby's unsupportive dad?
(sighing): Uh,yes.
Listen, the assistant coach had to leave.
I'm shorthanded out here.
Maybe you can make some calls,
find someone to help out on the field.
Well, why don't I come down?
Uh, I believe a child's potential is like a flower.
Properly nurtured and watered,
it can get, um, really good at baseball.
Uh, I don't know.
Do you have Bill's permission?
Yes.
Yes, I do, definitely.
Dad, you missed it.
I looked alive out here.
I looked alive!
Well, I'm not going to miss any more.
We're, uh, short a few boys.
Mind standing in at catcher?
Not a bit.
I played some catcher, uh...
Yeah.
Nice grab.
Be ready in the outfield, Bobby.
He can really give it a ride.
Dang, that kid's fast.
Nice scoop.
Oh, my God, we might have a play at the plate.
Play's at home, play's at home.
Yeah!
He's out of there!
(groans)
BOY: Mr. Hill hit a kid!
I understand you're Hank Hill?
Yes.
Speak into the microphone, please.
(sighs)
Look, I'm sorry I hurt that boy,
but it's not like he had to go to the hospital or anything.
I hit him in the helmet, for God's sake.
If I may, Mr. Chairman?
Mr. Hill, the boy may not have lost any blood,
but he lost something more important-- his innocence.
All because you lied
your way onto that field.
That, sir, was your greatest offense.
Fine, I'll go back to the snack stand.
No, you won't, Mr. Hill.
You are hereby banned from Arlen South facilities
for life.
Well, I just got off the phone
with the mother of that boy I hit.
She said he's okay.
She also said some other stuff,
but not in language I care to repeat.
She's an emotional woman.
I am so sorry you can't be there to watch Bobby's game.
I'll record the whole thing.
And here, let me get a shot of you
so we can remember how sad you were.
Uncle Hank, don't think of it
as being banned from the baseball league.
Think of it as being welcome everywhere else.
Hey,son,
don't forget your batting gloves
and your bubble gum chaw.
And listen,
I just want you to know
I really wish I could be at your game today.
Dad, it's okay you're not coming.
'Cause Coach is going to be there.
I'm not going to lie.
I'm sensing some tension here.
And I'm not going to lie-- I'm kind of enjoying it.
Talkin' 'bout ol' dang ol' Hank, man,
Bill done you up all kinds of wrong, man.
Well, thanks, Boomhauer.
I'm glad someone here is making sense.
You think I'm unfair, Hank?
Just be glad I'm allowing you contact with Bobby at all.
Okay, that does it.
I have had it with you.
Now, do you have somewhere to be?
'Cause I'd like to know what direction
I should kick your ass in.
I have to go anyway.
It's almost time for the game,
and unlike some people, I'm allowed to be there.
Oh, guess what?
Bobby's starting today.
Too bad you can't see it.
Bobby's starting?
He hasn't started in years.
Remember when the stomach flu was going around?
Bobby's team could only field eight players,
and he still didn't start.
They actually had a kid playing "lenter field."
Dang it, this is a huge moment for Bobby.
I am not going to miss it.
Come on, Stingers, let's do this.
I'm so proud of my little right fielder.
You know, outfield is the new infield.
UMPIRE: Batter up.
I got it!
Come on, Bobby, catch this.
BRADFORD: Way to get under it, Bobby!
You're a heck of a ballplayer!
Way to swarm the ball, Bobby!
That's what I'm talking about!
But I missed.
That kid in right is a mess out there.
Weak right field!
What? Hit it to right.
(bat striking ball)
This is horrible.
I can't let Gracie watch.
Come on, Coach!
Pull Bobby!
What the hell are you doing?!
Hey, Bobby, you can do this!
(laughing)
Coach, Coach, time out.
I'm getting killed out here.
You got to take me out of the game.
I'm not giving up on you, Bobbino!
Now, get out there and give it everything you have!
Dang it, Bradford's just going to let him squirm out there?
I can't look. What happened?
Did he catch it?
Oh, my gosh.
He went invisible.
I don't blame him.
Nope,
he got taken out.
The coach didn't know what was good for Bobby,
but his father did.
Thank God you came, Dad.
Whew.
That must be what it feels like in baseball hell.
I guess that means I was never any good, was I?
Well... no, son, you weren't, but...
you know, there's lots of stuff you are good at,
like video games and comedy.
You should be very proud of your comedy.
You know what?
I am.
So, do you think there's a chance
I would have caught that last fly ball?
N... No.
Me neither!
HANK: About your outfit, Bill... no.
Ripped By mstoll
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