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Ripped By mstoll
Ahh...
Now let's work on your fire safety.
See this?
Ahh...
Don't ever play with this.
I told you, I am ready to come back to work.
I just need to work around the baby's schedule.
Well, she falls asleep between 8:00 and 10:00 in the morning
and then again at 1:30.
And if I'm away from the baby too long,
I'll need 15-minute cry breaks.
Oh, no, it's fine, it's fine.
I-I just need a little cry.
Oh, I see.
What's wrong, baby doll?
Jack says he has to give my barber chair to someone else
until my schedule normalizes.
(sighs)
I worked so hard to be a hairstylist, Lucky.
It's who I am.
Maybe it's time to exit the hairstyling industry.
They keep restricting what barbers can do.
My guy said he can no longer perform dentistry.
STROUP: Let us pray.
And remember, we are bowing our heads to pray, not text-message.
Yeah, I see you, Mr. and Mrs. Sneaky.
That's right.
Well, look at Grandma.
(chuckles)
Oh, the world can be so cruel.
I loved that job.
When I cut hair, people said they liked it,
and it made me feel good.
All Gracie does is throw up on me.
We just have to find you a new job,
the kind that lets you bring your pets to work
but defines "pets" very loosely.
(baby crying)
No, no, no.
Come on, Jakey! (chuckles)
Mommy loves you.
(chuckles)
Mommy loves you! (babies crying)
Peek-a-boo! Use your baby signs!
Please stop, I'll give you anything.
Look, Gracie!
It's the Manger Babies!
There's Obadiah the Donkey.
"Meow."
And Hosea the Cat.
(braying)
"Well blimey, you mixed them up."
(chuckles): Oh. (babies quiet)
Well, you're right,
Sir Reginald Featherbottom.
I'll try that again.
"Smashing."
Luanne, you're an angel.
I wish I could just buy you!
One day, I promise you,
you will be able to do an approximation of just that.
I've always wanted to be a children's entertainer.
It's so much more tasteful than the other kinds.
HANK: Look, just because a few moms
like something, it doesn't mean
you have to go and start a business.
Hank, this is just what modern moms do.
They become mom-preneurs.
Mostly because it sounds cool, but also to get rich quick.
I fully support Luanne's ambition to be the breadwinner,
since I'm starting to realize the liability lawsuit game
is best left to the young.
(laughs)
I'm so happy!
I'm going to have a baby and a career,
just like Cosmo magazine told me to do.
(sighs)
I can hear you judging me through your breath, Uncle Hank.
But I'll prove your breath wrong.
I'm gonna make it.
Come on, babies!
Luanne and the Manger Babies
are gonna be some kind of children's group.
And I'm gonna have to be Gracie's mother and father.
I'm like a seahorse.
Why can't Luanne just fail
at selling Tupperware like normal moms?
I respect puppets.
They say the things the rest of us only think.
A puppet saved my life once.
Gentlemen,
I stand before you an inspired man.
Luanne has rekindled my yen to write a children's book.
Children see the world through innocent eyes.
My book will change that.
(sighs)
(babies crying)
(crying)
(braying)
"I know that hurt, but not as much as polio would!"
(braying)
And that was Luanne.
She is available for parties and...
People weren't taking the fliers,
so I tried slipping them into their pockets.
They did not like that at all.
Be patient, Luanne.
It's like a flu virus.
It just takes one kid to catch you and then they all will.
(baby crying)
Oh, look, Diya, an octopus!
How about that?!
"Gurgle gurgle."
(laughs)
Diya's birthday party is coming up,
and I'm through with hiring clowns.
The last one didn't wear enough makeup,
and too much of his inner pain showed through.
Are you available?
I promise to wear tons of makeups!
So, we hope you remember everything we taught you today
about not eating bugs and picking up your toys
and conflict resolution.
Bye-bye!
(quirky musical riff plays)
Hello, Luanne.
John Redcorn!
Are you performing here, too?
(chuckles)
They could not afford me.
I'm here scouting new acts.
And you wowed me.
Did you know "wow" upside down is "mom?"
I believe you.
I want to produce a line of educational children's videos
to turn you and the Manger Babies
into the next Baby Einstein.
I'm talking DVDs, merchandising, the works.
Wow.
Will I have to move to a factory in China?
No, we can do it all here in Arlen.
I have a camera, editing equipment
and a bass guitar leftover from a previous enterprise.
Babies, we've been discovered!
"And that's why yellow was invented.
So we'd know when to eat bananas."
(braying)
What color do you think we should do next?
Purple?
Hmm. Too advanced.
Green?
Brilliant.
Hot off the presses--
I.e. my staple gun-- Behold!
Your very own copy of my children's book
The Magic Bullet.
It'll be about a little gun searching for her lost bullet.
A classic
mother- daughter tale.
Why?
Follow along as I read an excerpt.
"Bunny was not like other AK-47s.
"Bunny was an AK that cared.
"Other guns shot with reckless abandon,
"but Bunny, her bullets she spared.
"Then one day things went awry,
"and one of her bullets, away she flied.
"That magic bullet was her daughter Lips,
with whom she had a complex interdependent relationship.
"She went searching for her.
♪ My sweet ballistic ♪
♪ I'll come find you ♪
♪ Be optimistic, stay strong X
♪ Remember you came from your ♪
♪ Mom ♪
It's a little stupid, Dale.
Why is this nonsense so popular?
Sticking babies in front of TVs
can't be good for their brains.
Hank, today's parents just need a little ten-minute break
now and then, even if it means a slightly dumber kid.
That's right. I don't care.
I'm so very tired.
Hey, Uncle Hank, want to buy my DVD?
Sorry, I sold out.
Luanne, I am so proud of you.
You know, I could've listened to you, Uncle Hank.
But instead, I chose to succeed in DVDs and in life.
I'm finally a somebody!
(crying)
(sighs)
Okay, I need a break.
Uh, please will you open up my fan mail for me, Bobby?
Need to protect the money makers.
All right.
Trevor, age six, writes...
Whoops, wrong house.
Uh, but since I'm here,
perhaps you should know that you inspired me
to write a kid's book, Luanne.
Oh.
Well, I'll have to check it out sometime.
Um, Bobby...
Excuse me.
Luanne isn't taking visitors right now.
Will you get John Redcorn to read it?
Please? I'm begging you!
This is my one shot to share my heart with the world!
This is kind of beneath me,
but I'll see if I could get around to it.
Luanne, you've made me the happiest
exterminator/children's author in Arlen!
Aw!
The little people are so touching.
I don't mean children, I mean unimportant people.
All right, what's the emergency?
I don't know how to say this, so I'll just say it.
I've got a rolling baby.
What?
Every time I set Gracie down, she rolls.
I don't know what to do.
Look, Lucky, it's normal for babies to do weird things.
Babies are weird.
Now, where's Luanne?
Wh-Why isn't she helping you with this?
She's at a gig or a photo shoot or something.
I got to admit, dealing with Gracie is harder than I thought.
Uh-oh, here comes the thunder.
(both gag)
I'll need help taking off her onesie
to address that twosie.
(sighs)
Oh, I can't believe I'm getting ready to go out
and perform for hundreds of my fans.
Everyone loves me, and I don't even have to love them back.
I really do hope you get to experience this one day, Bobby.
You really think I can be successful like you?
Probably not.
Okay, you're on. Break a leg.
♪ We are the Manger Babies ♪
♪ Getting into trouble... ♪
Hello?
That amphitheater should have been full.
Didn't you advertise the show?
I-I put fliers all over Gorilla Gulch.
Babies have short attention spans.
They're onto the next thing, just like that.
They're ruthless.
But fame doesn't just go away.
That's not how it works.
Look, the DVDs are just not selling, anymore.
That is why no one came,
and also why I must cancel your second DVD.
What? You can't do that.
You need us.
Look at this big dummy.
Thinks he's gonna impress you by drinking water. (laughs)
Who are all these people?
The next you.
(laughs)
Give me one more chance.
Okay.
But I expect you to bring back the "wow."
We already go straight to DVD.
There is nowhere left to go.
How about this idea?
We've tried colors.
Let's move on to words.
Syrup!
Brunch!
That is a terrible idea.
I mean, it's sweet that you're trying to help.
Sweet and annoying.
And unhelpful.
Do not worry. Peggy Hill is on damage control.
I think we should go after new demographics
by introducing new characters.
This one will target the crippled and blind and Hispanic.
And this one will target mean girls.
(sighing)
Luanne, why don't you take a little break?
Your family needs you.
(thudding) (snoring)
Maybe I have been ignoring my family.
But I don't want it to be for nothing.
That's why I can't let this just slip away!
That's why you need this.
Does this doll make my hand a slut?
Yes. But for the sake of educating children.
"Yo. Let's meet my cool friends.
This is Hosea the... cool cat."
"'Sup?"
"Obadiah the stallion."
"'Sup?"
"Reggie-Reg the bloke."
"Bangers 'n' mash, yo."
"And... Gurgle Gurgle...
the... octopus"?
"Um, like, Gurgle Gurgle's kind of baby-ish.
But whatever, seriously."
"Do you really think so, Chablis?"
I'm sorry, Gurgle Gurgle, but this is my last chance.
I'm sorry.
Now we just need some new stories.
Some Sir Reginald Featherbottom versus the system thing.
Yeah, I guess we should go edgy.
You know, I do have one new idea.
About a little gun.
We just sanitized.
Aw!
Thank you
for attending a screening of my new DVD,
The Manger Babes.
Yo. Hi.
I'm Luanne.
And these are the Manger Babes.
Chablis the brat.
This is like so, such as...
You'll have to excuse her.
She's stressing 'cause she's two-timing
on Hosea with Reggie-Reg.
What the hell is this?
I think it works because it doesn't lie to my generation.
It's real.
No, it's not. It's smut.
I don't know, Uncle Hank.
Smut isn't usually this sophisticated.
Sorry I'm late.
I was scared of being early. (gasping)
And finally, our newest Manger Babe:
Bangor, a gun that cares.
(straining)
That was John Redcorn.
He wants me and "The Babes" to do another DVD.
I'm back, Lucky!
Oh, that's great, baby doll.
Coincidentally, I've got something you'll want to hear.
Gracie fell asleep with her butt up in the air again.
I'll grab the camera.
Oh, you know what?
I want to tell the Babies about what Redcorn said first.
(gasping)
"Luanne, you stole my dreams.
If you want to ever see your Manger Babies again, meet me
at the Laundromat. Dale."
(gasping)
Give me back my Babies, Dale!
Too late!
You say they're dry clean only,
but these Babies are dirty from the inside out.
What?
(horrified gasp)
(Luanne crying)
I want to thank you for coming
to celebrate the life of the Manger Babies.
What the hell are we doing here?
We're here to support Luanne, Hank.
Poor thing.
All of her loved ones end up rotting in jail
or dying in the dryer.
Oh, Lord.
The nerve of that man!
Murderer!
Assassin of hope!
You are not invited to the Babies... Stealer! Plagiarer!
You're both acting like idiots.
You shouldn't have stolen Dale's ideas.
You shouldn't have taken Luanne's dolls.
We shouldn't even be having this memorial service.
(sighing)
You're right. Put it like that...
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to steal your idea, Mr. Gribble.
I just got desperate.
I guess that's what happens when you sell your soul
for a taste of success.
Wow, that would've been a great story for the Manger Babies
if I hadn't brutally murdered them.
Oh, well, what are you gonna do?
I don't know who I am anymore.
I'm like an asteroid drifting in space
without a puppeting career.
(barking)
Well, this should cheer you up, Luanne.
Oh, the Manger Babies loved it here.
The singing mechanical bears full of technology.
The pizza.
Hello, John Redcorn.
Are you here scouting new acts?
Soccer party weekend is like my Super Bowl.
I'm very sorry things did not work out.
Please, let me send a pitcher to your table.
I'm sorry.
I don't know who I am anymore,
so I don't know what soda I'd like.
All right, Luanne, enough.
Forget this nonsense about finding yourself.
You don't have the luxury of figuring out who you are.
You're a mother now. That's who you are.
But, Uncle Hank, I thought... All the magazines said...
And the talk shows...
Look, it doesn't matter if you stay at home
or if you work, or whatever.
You're a mom now.
I mean, I'm a dad first, no matter what.
Even if this country ran only on propane
and made me its vice president, I would still be a dad first.
Okay?
And you'd be an uncle second.
Well, fourth, actually.
(gasps)
I can't believe it's really you.
Hello, my former fans.
I bet you thought I'd fall apart
when you deserted me, didn't you?
LUANNE: Well, guess what?
I did.
But not anymore!
I don't need y'all to tell me who I am
because Uncle Hank helped me remember.
And me and Gurgle Gurgle don't need you anymore.
(microphone feedback whine)
I'm glad we're done with our go-go lifestyle.
Besides, I never told you this,
but I didn't care for that British penguin.
He was so demanding.
Always asking for his marmalade.
(crying)
Oh, don't cry.
Look, Gracie, Gurgle Gurgle is here
to tell you all about his glorious travels.
"Gurgle Gurgle."
You see,
Gurgle Gurgle only has six tentacles.
So, he went on an adventure to find the other two...
BILL: I respect puppets.
A puppet saved my life once.
Ripped By mstoll
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