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"Last Man Standing" is recorded
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00:00:02,967 --> 00:00:04,367
in front of a live studio audience.
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Somebody's got to muzzle that dog
or rescue Timmy from the well.
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It's Larabee's German Shepherd.
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Every morning this week.
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Damn dog's giving Germans a bad name.
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I'm surprised the shirazis'
French poodle hasn't surrendered.
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I'm up. I'm up.
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Might as well go to pilates.
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If I get there early enough, I can take
the class with the pregnant women.
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It's easier, and I get to feel skinny.
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Hey. Honey, you'll suffocate.
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I'll take sleep however I can get it!
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Hey, good morning. Hey, hi.
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Uh, you want to take a look at
the water pressure in the sink?
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It's down to a trickle.
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Well, the house and I were
built about the same time,
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so maybe we both need a prostate exam.
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Hey, want to take a
pilates class with me, huh?
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Lots of men in the class.
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Nah, I don't think
pilates and men go together
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except for men that go together.
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Oh, hey, Chuck, come on in.
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Well, if it isn't my alarm clock.
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Hey, Baxter, I just got your
text about lady's barking.
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All caps?
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Better watch your tone, man.
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Take care of that dog.
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Remind that German
Shepherd who won the war.
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Lady only barks when my neighbor
starts up that tile saw. I know.
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Th-there's something about
th-the whine of that thing
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that just irritates her.
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You're a big marine. Go over there
and tell that guy to stop doing that.
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Well, whose saw is it?
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Helen Potts.
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You're scared of a guy named Helen.
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Oh, I like Helen Potts.
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Honey, she lives around the corner.
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We get her magazines sometimes,
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and she never complains when I return
them without the perfume samples.
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Well, I've tried reasoning
with her about the saw,
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but all she does is start yelling.
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I think she's got something against men.
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Doesn't like men, uses a tile
saw, doesn't use perfume...
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I think this picture paints itself.
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I believe she's recently divorced.
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Well, I could talk to her if you want.
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You don't talk to neighbors.
It just causes trouble.
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That's how we ended up with
Shaft here in our kitchen.
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I can dig it.
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Well, I'm off to pilates.
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Or, if the traffic's bad, Dunkin' Donuts.
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Have a good day at work. I love you. Bye.
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Hey, wait. Wait a minute,
Larabee. Wait a minute.
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Are you gonna take care of this or not?
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I told you... I tried with
this woman, and I'm done.
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And I've seen enough horror movies to
know not to piss off someone with a saw.
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Besides, the brother is
always the first to go.
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All right.
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I'll go over there, and
I'll take care of it.
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I mean, really, why send Shaft
when you got Dirty Harry?
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Huh?
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00:02:35,219 --> 00:02:35,952
What's with the bag?
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Oh, that was a big one! Oh!
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Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen.
www.addic7ed.com
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Hey! Yo!
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Hey, there.
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I'm Mike Baxter. I live
on the street next to...
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Wow.
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Have we met before?
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00:03:11,388 --> 00:03:14,857
You do look vaguely familiar.
72
00:03:14,925 --> 00:03:16,258
Yeah.
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00:03:16,326 --> 00:03:19,228
Is this your, uh, tile
saw? It's a nice one.
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You like tools?
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00:03:22,566 --> 00:03:24,533
Not as much as I used to.
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00:03:26,127 --> 00:03:27,607
So, other than making a lot of noise,
77
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what are you... what
are you doing out here?
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Ugh, I got a million things
to fix around the house.
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00:03:32,476 --> 00:03:35,911
My idiot husband thought
he was quite the handyman...
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...but mostly, he just set
stuff on fire, blew things up,
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00:03:42,819 --> 00:03:44,820
and complained about my cooking.
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Sounds like a fun Tuesday night.
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You should try putting up
with him for eight years.
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Eight long years.
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The thing is, this saw
is making a lot of noise,
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and it's bothering the dog next door,
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who's barking and keeping everybody awake.
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Is there a way you could just start the
sawing a little later in the morning?
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00:04:04,441 --> 00:04:06,242
Sorry, I do my best work in the morning.
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00:04:07,978 --> 00:04:11,113
I used to get my best sleep in the morning.
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00:04:11,181 --> 00:04:12,881
Hi-Dee-ho
there, Baxter.
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Hey, Larabee.
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Doesn't sound like you're doing
much better with Helen than I did.
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I told you she was a tough one.
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00:04:25,462 --> 00:04:26,662
Yeah.
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00:04:26,730 --> 00:04:29,765
Do you have something
else on besides that hat?
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Maybe it's time for a
...a different approach.
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00:04:33,103 --> 00:04:38,307
You know, Mike, this reminds
me of the ancient Aztecs.
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Whenever they had trouble with a
neighboring tribe, very often...
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Yeah, I got...
101
00:04:42,545 --> 00:04:45,547
Listen, y-you lost
me on "hi-Dee-ho."
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Give me a minute. Give me a minute.
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Excuse me.
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You again?
105
00:04:52,655 --> 00:04:54,490
Wow.
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00:04:54,557 --> 00:04:56,058
You know, you could probably
pull this whole place together
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with a few colorful accent pillows.
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My husband is the reason why
this place is such a mess.
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He was always souping
up all of our appliances.
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He rewired our waffle iron so
it went up to 1,000 degrees.
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You know what melts at 1,000 degrees?
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A waffle iron.
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00:05:14,577 --> 00:05:17,679
Listen, if you're gonna saw in the morning,
why don't you do all of us a favor
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and just don't do it on the weekends?
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You know, this is America.
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I get it.
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I can run my tile saw whenever I want.
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Actually, in this part of America,
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there's a law against doing
construction work before 7:00 A.M.
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So, you're gonna bring
the law into this?
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00:05:29,671 --> 00:05:30,155
Well, I think I...
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Wait, wait. Aren't you the
guy that has the flagpole?
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Yeah.
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A pole that size has got to be
against some kind of building code.
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Yeah, but my pole doesn't
wake people up in the morning.
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At your age, I'm not surprised.
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All right, all right, all right.
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00:05:46,676 --> 00:05:50,345
So, you take a shot at me, you
don't like the American flag...
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00:05:50,413 --> 00:05:53,115
It's not the American
flag that I object to.
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It's when you fly your Broncos flag.
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I prefer Oakland.
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People in Oakland don't
even prefer Oakland.
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You know, I think it's
time for you to leave.
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00:06:06,295 --> 00:06:09,197
This reminds me of talking to my husband.
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You know, if he'd really let himself go.
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Oh, there she is
...Mike's youngest.
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00:06:22,411 --> 00:06:23,878
I-it's Eve.
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00:06:23,946 --> 00:06:26,548
Well, you seem pretty
sure. We'll go with that.
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00:06:26,615 --> 00:06:29,210
Thanks again for helping me
with my assignment, Mr. Alzate.
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00:06:29,241 --> 00:06:30,148
All right. Fine.
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00:06:30,186 --> 00:06:33,121
I mean, let the other kids do
lame collages on the Vietnam war.
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An oral history from an
actual vet who was "in country"
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will blow them away.
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Yeah, I was there.
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I'll never forget the bugs,
the heat, and the smell.
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00:06:41,864 --> 00:06:43,765
Oh, my God, the smell.
147
00:06:44,900 --> 00:06:46,534
Oh, w-what was the smell?
148
00:06:46,602 --> 00:06:48,203
Hopelessness?
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00:06:48,270 --> 00:06:49,604
Napalm?
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00:06:49,672 --> 00:06:50,605
Death?
151
00:06:50,673 --> 00:06:51,940
Tilapia.
152
00:06:53,442 --> 00:06:55,977
Our office in Saigon
was over a fish market.
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00:06:56,045 --> 00:06:57,579
Huh.
154
00:06:57,646 --> 00:07:00,448
Um, well, can you tell me
about some of the major battles?
155
00:07:00,516 --> 00:07:02,917
The Tet Offensive was a nightmare.
156
00:07:02,985 --> 00:07:04,118
All right. Here we go.
157
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Tons of paperwork. That's right.
158
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Requisition forms,
everything in triplicate.
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00:07:08,657 --> 00:07:11,993
One month solid... we
worked through lunch.
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00:07:12,061 --> 00:07:13,461
So, you worked in an office?
161
00:07:13,529 --> 00:07:15,229
You... you didn't
see any fighting?
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00:07:15,297 --> 00:07:19,167
Well, I went a couple of rounds
with a hand-cranked mimeo machine.
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00:07:19,234 --> 00:07:24,172
Now, you have to understand, you don't
just win a war on the battlefield.
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00:07:24,239 --> 00:07:27,842
Uh, technically, we didn't win that war.
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Can't pin that on the clerical staff...
166
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Everything was filed.
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00:07:32,581 --> 00:07:34,382
Uh, I guess I don't get it.
168
00:07:34,450 --> 00:07:36,784
I mean, I googled "Ed
Alzate" and "Vietnam war"
169
00:07:36,852 --> 00:07:38,586
and found all this stuff
about you being a hero.
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00:07:38,654 --> 00:07:39,587
Look.
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00:07:39,655 --> 00:07:41,522
All right.
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00:07:41,590 --> 00:07:42,990
Well, th-that's Edward P. Alzate.
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I'm Edward A., okay?
174
00:07:44,159 --> 00:07:45,092
That's strange.
175
00:07:46,361 --> 00:07:48,496
I mean, there's another
Edward Alzate out there?
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00:07:48,564 --> 00:07:51,999
I guess my old man
was right... I'm not special.
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00:07:53,168 --> 00:07:54,635
Oh, wait.
178
00:07:54,703 --> 00:07:57,538
It says this Edward
Alzate didn't make it home.
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00:07:58,907 --> 00:08:00,441
Oh.
180
00:08:02,210 --> 00:08:06,113
"Edward P. Alzate died in action."
181
00:08:06,181 --> 00:08:07,648
Hmm.
182
00:08:07,716 --> 00:08:09,450
Well, now, so...
183
00:08:09,518 --> 00:08:14,355
Edward P. died while Edward A.
survived to live a fortunate life.
184
00:08:14,423 --> 00:08:15,823
Well, that, uh...
185
00:08:15,891 --> 00:08:18,025
That really makes you think.
186
00:08:18,093 --> 00:08:19,393
Hmm.
187
00:08:19,461 --> 00:08:22,797
Makes me think I should
get started on that collage.
188
00:08:22,864 --> 00:08:26,333
I should do something
to enshrine his memory.
189
00:08:26,401 --> 00:08:30,037
Maybe I could rename my
city park in his honor.
190
00:08:30,105 --> 00:08:34,608
You mean, uh, rename
the "Ed Alzate park"...
191
00:08:34,676 --> 00:08:37,344
The "Ed Alzate park"?
192
00:08:37,412 --> 00:08:40,347
It's the least I could do for a hero.
193
00:08:40,415 --> 00:08:42,783
It literally is.
194
00:08:46,087 --> 00:08:47,855
Hey, lover. Hey.
195
00:08:47,922 --> 00:08:49,256
Hey, get this. Get this.
196
00:08:49,324 --> 00:08:51,425
I go to the ATM machine to get cash, right?
197
00:08:51,493 --> 00:08:53,927
Then I go get groceries and
scan them on another machine.
198
00:08:53,995 --> 00:08:57,164
I'm, like, living the dream where I
don't even have to deal with people.
199
00:09:00,101 --> 00:09:03,237
Yeah, the people are
happy about it, too, honey.
200
00:09:04,773 --> 00:09:07,307
Well, lucky for you, I
don't mind being friendly,
201
00:09:07,375 --> 00:09:08,776
so I went down to see Helen Potts.
202
00:09:08,843 --> 00:09:10,244
Yeah, what a nut bag, huh?
203
00:09:10,311 --> 00:09:14,481
It's amazing a woman with so many
tools has so many screws loose.
204
00:09:14,549 --> 00:09:16,283
Hey, how are you?
205
00:09:17,652 --> 00:09:18,585
Hi, Mike.
206
00:09:18,653 --> 00:09:19,887
Hey.
207
00:09:19,954 --> 00:09:21,021
I invited Helen over for drinks.
208
00:09:21,089 --> 00:09:22,389
Yeah. See that. Yeah.
209
00:09:22,457 --> 00:09:23,557
Isn't that great?
210
00:09:23,625 --> 00:09:25,759
Yeah, hope I can get a to-go cup.
211
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:33,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
212
00:09:39,856 --> 00:09:41,156
Is it safe?
213
00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:47,028
She still here, or did the
flying monkeys take her away?
214
00:09:47,096 --> 00:09:48,830
You went to the bathroom,
and you never came back.
215
00:09:48,898 --> 00:09:50,031
Where were you hiding?
216
00:09:50,099 --> 00:09:52,334
I'm not telling you in case she comes back.
217
00:09:53,436 --> 00:09:55,570
Well, Helen and I had a great time.
218
00:09:55,638 --> 00:09:58,640
I really admire the way she's
moved on since her husband left.
219
00:09:58,708 --> 00:10:02,277
Do we really know that he's left?
220
00:10:02,345 --> 00:10:06,581
We'd have to dig up that whole
backyard to be perfectly sure.
221
00:10:06,649 --> 00:10:08,116
Honey, you know, you embarrassed me.
222
00:10:08,184 --> 00:10:09,984
I mean, I'm down here telling
her what a great guy you are,
223
00:10:10,052 --> 00:10:11,419
and you're upstairs hiding in the...
224
00:10:11,487 --> 00:10:12,454
Linen closet?
225
00:10:12,521 --> 00:10:14,255
Nice try.
226
00:10:14,323 --> 00:10:15,202
- Hey.
- Hi, honey.
227
00:10:15,233 --> 00:10:16,287
Hi, Kris.
228
00:10:16,325 --> 00:10:17,805
You know, let me ask you something...
229
00:10:17,860 --> 00:10:19,494
When you have girlfriends over,
230
00:10:19,562 --> 00:10:21,796
does Ryan disappear for three hours?
231
00:10:21,864 --> 00:10:23,104
He disappears into the bedroom.
232
00:10:23,165 --> 00:10:24,232
See?
233
00:10:24,300 --> 00:10:26,334
Then he reappears with his guitar,
234
00:10:26,402 --> 00:10:29,304
providing the unrequested
soundtrack to our book club.
235
00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:34,843
If I ever meet Seals or Crofts, I'm
gonna beat the crap out of them.
236
00:10:34,910 --> 00:10:35,977
Is that what you want?
237
00:10:36,045 --> 00:10:37,345
I can play "little
brown jug" on a recorder.
238
00:10:37,413 --> 00:10:40,548
Just, next time you see
Helen, make an effort, huh?
239
00:10:40,616 --> 00:10:41,883
Please? For me?
240
00:10:41,951 --> 00:10:44,018
Left a lot of friends
behind when I quit my job.
241
00:10:44,086 --> 00:10:45,927
I wish you'd bring those
friends home again...
242
00:10:45,988 --> 00:10:47,488
Ben Franklin, Andrew Jackson.
243
00:10:47,556 --> 00:10:51,459
Those guys start showing up again,
I'll come out of the upstairs closet.
244
00:10:51,527 --> 00:10:53,361
Damn it!
Ha! Ha!
245
00:10:53,429 --> 00:10:55,596
How'd your interview with Ed go?
246
00:10:55,664 --> 00:10:57,131
Not great.
247
00:10:57,199 --> 00:11:00,535
You don't expect to fall asleep
during a guy's war stories.
248
00:11:00,602 --> 00:11:02,136
I was kind of afraid of that.
249
00:11:02,204 --> 00:11:04,539
Ed's military experience is less "platoon"
250
00:11:04,606 --> 00:11:07,241
and more "full metal filing cabinet."
251
00:11:08,544 --> 00:11:11,412
He did cut his tongue
licking envelopes once.
252
00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:14,549
I guess I could call that a head wound.
253
00:11:14,616 --> 00:11:17,051
You know, Ed wasn't drafted.
He enlisted, you know.
254
00:11:17,119 --> 00:11:20,388
So, it really wasn't his choice of
where they found him most valuable.
255
00:11:20,456 --> 00:11:22,757
Mm, there's that sleepy feeling again.
256
00:11:24,059 --> 00:11:25,726
Good night, Vietnam.
257
00:11:27,696 --> 00:11:30,731
Dad Ed's just not a hero.
258
00:11:30,799 --> 00:11:33,100
I'm sorry you feel that way.
259
00:11:33,168 --> 00:11:34,735
You want to meet some more heroes?
260
00:11:34,803 --> 00:11:37,071
Go to the VFW on Wednesday nights.
261
00:11:37,139 --> 00:11:38,439
Ask Larabee. He'll take you.
262
00:11:38,507 --> 00:11:39,674
Well, why Wednesday?
263
00:11:39,741 --> 00:11:41,409
It's busy down there...
A lot of guys down there.
264
00:11:41,476 --> 00:11:42,916
Make sure you talk to the bartender.
265
00:11:43,879 --> 00:11:45,947
He can open a beer bottle
with his eye socket.
266
00:11:46,014 --> 00:11:47,882
They call him Pop.
267
00:11:51,053 --> 00:11:52,693
I couldn't get up then.
268
00:11:52,721 --> 00:11:54,388
Hey. Honey, look who's here.
269
00:11:54,456 --> 00:11:56,757
I know who's here. I could
hear the "Jaws" theme.
270
00:11:56,825 --> 00:11:57,892
Oh, Mike!
271
00:11:57,959 --> 00:11:59,026
How was boot camp?
272
00:11:59,094 --> 00:12:01,862
You know, if you want someone to
yell at you and call you maggot,
273
00:12:01,930 --> 00:12:03,764
I would do that here for free.
274
00:12:03,832 --> 00:12:07,702
I think getting yelled at by Diego
is the only reason Helen goes.
275
00:12:07,769 --> 00:12:10,638
I would drop and give him
20 of whatever he wants.
276
00:12:11,740 --> 00:12:13,707
Come on. It's a kitchen.
277
00:12:13,775 --> 00:12:15,109
We eat food in here.
278
00:12:15,177 --> 00:12:17,745
So, what are you fixing over there?
279
00:12:17,813 --> 00:12:21,148
Actually, uh, we got no pressure, and
I think there's a clog somewhere.
280
00:12:21,216 --> 00:12:22,483
Well, let me have a look.
281
00:12:22,551 --> 00:12:24,852
Faucets are simple to fix.
Even a man could do it.
282
00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:25,853
Really?
283
00:12:25,921 --> 00:12:27,254
Don't worry, Vanessa.
284
00:12:27,322 --> 00:12:29,890
I'll make sure this gets done right.
285
00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:32,026
Hey, Helen, if you want to stick
your head in something else,
286
00:12:32,093 --> 00:12:33,461
why don't you try the oven?
287
00:12:33,528 --> 00:12:36,730
This faucet nut is stuck.
288
00:12:36,798 --> 00:12:38,199
Well, that shouldn't be a problem.
289
00:12:38,266 --> 00:12:40,467
I'm sure you have a lot of
experience twisting off nuts.
290
00:12:42,704 --> 00:12:44,505
You know
291
00:12:44,573 --> 00:12:48,042
You remind me of why I enjoy being single.
292
00:12:48,109 --> 00:12:49,843
You should try it sometime, Vanessa. Mm.
293
00:12:49,911 --> 00:12:51,912
Uh, do you got any, uh, WD-40?
294
00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:53,314
Uh, well, if it's really that stuck,
295
00:12:53,381 --> 00:12:55,583
I think maybe you might
need some, uh... some WD-80.
296
00:12:56,952 --> 00:12:58,819
Don't laugh at that. She'll
just do more of those.
297
00:12:58,887 --> 00:13:00,554
I thought it was funny.
298
00:13:00,622 --> 00:13:02,156
Yeah. No, you didn't.
Listen, I know what it is.
299
00:13:02,223 --> 00:13:04,191
It's not really the bolt down there.
300
00:13:04,259 --> 00:13:06,460
It's this. It already comes out.
301
00:13:06,528 --> 00:13:07,695
Whoa!
302
00:13:07,762 --> 00:13:09,463
What'd you do down here?!
303
00:13:09,531 --> 00:13:10,964
I turned off the water!
304
00:13:11,032 --> 00:13:13,100
No, you turned it on! I had it turned off!
305
00:13:13,168 --> 00:13:14,301
Well, how was I supposed to know that?
306
00:13:14,369 --> 00:13:16,637
Guys, it's okay. It's only water.
307
00:13:16,705 --> 00:13:18,205
Well, because right is tight, left is...
308
00:13:18,273 --> 00:13:19,673
You don't know what you're doing. Oh...
309
00:13:19,741 --> 00:13:21,975
I don't know why your husband
left you all these tools.
310
00:13:22,043 --> 00:13:23,604
You don't know how to use these things.
311
00:13:24,913 --> 00:13:27,114
Vanessa, I'm sorry.
312
00:13:27,182 --> 00:13:30,250
I really enjoyed getting to know you...
313
00:13:30,318 --> 00:13:32,820
And Diego...
314
00:13:32,887 --> 00:13:35,823
But life is too short for me
to waste my time around him.
315
00:13:35,890 --> 00:13:37,591
Wait, Helen.
316
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:39,960
Congratulations.
317
00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:41,962
You know what? You just
drove away my new friend.
318
00:13:42,030 --> 00:13:43,030
It's not my fault.
319
00:13:43,097 --> 00:13:44,932
She probably can't get wet.
320
00:13:44,999 --> 00:13:45,966
She'll melt.
321
00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:47,968
Oh, honey.
322
00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:55,300
Oh, hey, honey. Hi.
323
00:13:55,367 --> 00:13:56,968
Want to take a spin class with me later?
324
00:13:57,002 --> 00:13:59,370
Nah, I'm naturally slender.
325
00:13:59,438 --> 00:14:00,705
Feel free to hate me.
326
00:14:00,773 --> 00:14:02,841
A lot of people do.
327
00:14:02,908 --> 00:14:04,175
Oh, I thought Helen was your new gym buddy.
328
00:14:04,243 --> 00:14:06,377
Ah, well, your dad wrecked that.
329
00:14:06,445 --> 00:14:08,613
He's not into meeting new people.
330
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:09,914
Or old people.
331
00:14:09,982 --> 00:14:11,683
Or, really, any people.
332
00:14:11,750 --> 00:14:13,418
It's better for you
333
00:14:13,485 --> 00:14:15,853
that dad doesn't have any other
friends vying for his attention.
334
00:14:15,921 --> 00:14:18,456
Argo, you get to be the
center of his universe.
335
00:14:20,793 --> 00:14:23,394
Wow, yeah, I never would've
looked at it that way.
336
00:14:23,462 --> 00:14:24,796
I know.
337
00:14:24,863 --> 00:14:26,464
I hear that a lot when I say things.
338
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:28,399
I guess I should be flattered
339
00:14:28,467 --> 00:14:30,568
that I'm the only person your
dad wants to spend time with.
340
00:14:30,636 --> 00:14:31,769
Yeah.
341
00:14:31,837 --> 00:14:33,717
Thanks for taking the
bullet for the rest of us.
342
00:14:34,473 --> 00:14:36,374
That was so much fun.
343
00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:37,775
Yeah.
344
00:14:37,843 --> 00:14:39,877
You really know your way
around a hardware store.
345
00:14:39,945 --> 00:14:41,546
Next time, I'll wear my red vest...
346
00:14:41,613 --> 00:14:43,948
We get the employee discount.
347
00:14:44,016 --> 00:14:46,384
You guys went to the
hardware store together.
348
00:14:46,451 --> 00:14:48,753
No, actually ran into each
other at the hardware store.
349
00:14:48,820 --> 00:14:50,955
Mike was like
a 12-year-old.
350
00:14:51,023 --> 00:14:55,192
While we were waiting in line,
he had them page Pat Magroin.
351
00:14:57,496 --> 00:14:59,130
Hey, you laughed at that.
352
00:14:59,197 --> 00:15:00,965
Isn't that our supermarket joke?
353
00:15:01,033 --> 00:15:02,993
Well, it really works
anywhere there's an intercom
354
00:15:03,001 --> 00:15:05,336
and no employee named Pat Magroin.
355
00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:09,440
Listen, I got Helen a little
peace offering for the other day.
356
00:15:09,508 --> 00:15:10,241
Wow.
357
00:15:10,308 --> 00:15:12,610
Wow, a saw blade.
358
00:15:12,677 --> 00:15:14,111
Easiest way to a woman's heart.
359
00:15:14,179 --> 00:15:16,747
And the rest of her vital organs.
360
00:15:16,815 --> 00:15:19,350
Hey, you feel like taking
a spin class with me later?
361
00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:21,018
Oh, I'd love to, but I can't.
362
00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:22,319
Mike and I have a project.
363
00:15:22,387 --> 00:15:25,322
Oh, that reminds me, I need to
borrow your 3/4-inch spade bit.
364
00:15:25,390 --> 00:15:27,024
Uh, I have one in the workbench.
365
00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:28,526
It's sit...
I can get it.
366
00:15:28,593 --> 00:15:30,194
Well, I think I know what it looks like.
367
00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:32,763
She has a tankless water heater.
I told her I'd help her put it in.
368
00:15:32,831 --> 00:15:35,065
It's a "tankless" job, but
somebody's got to do it.
369
00:15:36,935 --> 00:15:38,435
That's... Just...
370
00:15:38,503 --> 00:15:40,070
That's a funny, classic
way to put that, you know?
371
00:15:42,407 --> 00:15:44,341
What is going on with you, huh?
372
00:15:44,409 --> 00:15:45,843
Uh, lis-listen. "Tankless job"?
373
00:15:45,910 --> 00:15:47,745
But if I made that joke, you
would've sent me to my room
374
00:15:47,812 --> 00:15:49,713
and told me to think about what I'd done.
375
00:15:49,781 --> 00:15:51,148
Listen, I got to tell you
something about about Helen.
376
00:15:51,216 --> 00:15:53,417
No, honey, I-I know I asked
you to be friendly, but...
377
00:15:53,485 --> 00:15:56,325
But you're not this friendly with
anyone, not even the Omaha steaks guy.
378
00:15:56,388 --> 00:15:57,955
Vanessa, please, just
listen to me. No, no, no.
379
00:15:58,023 --> 00:15:58,956
You listen. You listen.
380
00:15:59,023 --> 00:16:00,290
I-I don't want to
sound petty, but...
381
00:16:00,358 --> 00:16:01,892
You're just about to.
This is weird.
382
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,361
It's like you went out of your
way to steal my new friend.
383
00:16:04,429 --> 00:16:06,697
I mean, that is the only
possible reason I can think of
384
00:16:06,765 --> 00:16:07,998
for you being nice to her.
385
00:16:08,066 --> 00:16:09,333
Her husband died.
386
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:11,301
Or that reason.
387
00:16:13,304 --> 00:16:14,304
Wow.
388
00:16:14,372 --> 00:16:17,007
I mean, what do you mean he died?
389
00:16:17,075 --> 00:16:19,142
Like, he left her.
390
00:16:19,210 --> 00:16:20,477
Well, he left everybody.
391
00:16:20,545 --> 00:16:22,786
That's what happens when you
have a massive heart attack.
392
00:16:23,748 --> 00:16:26,717
Listen, he died about
six or eight months ago.
393
00:16:26,784 --> 00:16:28,418
She never told me, uh...
394
00:16:28,486 --> 00:16:29,753
I don't think she knows I know.
395
00:16:29,821 --> 00:16:32,422
The guy at the hardware store told me
about it, which I felt very embarrassed
396
00:16:32,490 --> 00:16:35,692
'cause I had just asked
him to page Pat Magroin.
397
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:37,327
I mean, why didn't she tell me?
398
00:16:37,395 --> 00:16:39,363
If you died, I would've told everyone.
399
00:16:39,430 --> 00:16:41,498
Let's not get that party started yet, okay?
400
00:16:42,867 --> 00:16:44,801
A lot of people grieve
in different ways. Yeah.
401
00:16:44,869 --> 00:16:46,570
Maybe she doesn't want
people feeling sorry for her
402
00:16:46,637 --> 00:16:47,797
because her husband had died.
403
00:16:47,805 --> 00:16:50,006
Oh, yeah, but now I do feel sorry for her.
404
00:16:50,074 --> 00:16:50,807
Don't.
405
00:16:52,410 --> 00:16:53,710
Ugh.
406
00:16:53,778 --> 00:16:56,246
This is why I don't talk about it.
407
00:16:56,314 --> 00:17:00,350
I just got so sick of seeing that
pitying look on people's faces.
408
00:17:01,953 --> 00:17:03,386
Yeah. That one.
409
00:17:03,454 --> 00:17:05,956
Helen, I am so sorry.
410
00:17:06,023 --> 00:17:07,891
I'm so sorry a-about your husband,
411
00:17:07,959 --> 00:17:09,793
about my face
...all of it.
412
00:17:09,861 --> 00:17:10,760
Don't be.
413
00:17:10,828 --> 00:17:12,229
He was a great guy.
414
00:17:12,296 --> 00:17:14,464
I was lucky to have the
time that I had with him.
415
00:17:14,532 --> 00:17:16,299
The idiot that wrecked your kitchen?
416
00:17:16,367 --> 00:17:17,488
Yeah, well, he was an idiot.
417
00:17:18,836 --> 00:17:20,737
But he was my idiot.
418
00:17:20,805 --> 00:17:23,373
Just like you're Vanessa's idiot.
419
00:17:23,441 --> 00:17:24,874
And...
420
00:17:24,942 --> 00:17:26,476
She's my idiot.
421
00:17:28,512 --> 00:17:30,580
Oh, we used to, you know,
bicker back and forth
422
00:17:30,648 --> 00:17:32,128
like you and I have been doing, Mike.
423
00:17:33,184 --> 00:17:36,586
And I... Miss it.
424
00:17:36,654 --> 00:17:39,089
Of course, he was way more clever.
425
00:17:39,156 --> 00:17:41,191
Well, he...
426
00:17:41,258 --> 00:17:44,060
Probably had better writers.
427
00:17:46,397 --> 00:17:48,031
Well, he was a lot of fun.
428
00:17:48,099 --> 00:17:50,400
You know, just ask anybody on our street.
429
00:17:50,468 --> 00:17:52,168
The Nielsens loved him.
430
00:17:54,205 --> 00:17:56,406
Helen, stop me if this
makes you uncomfortable...
431
00:17:56,474 --> 00:17:57,006
Stop.
432
00:17:58,742 --> 00:18:01,044
You see? This is
why you like her...
433
00:18:01,111 --> 00:18:02,812
She's independent, she's strong.
434
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,014
That's why she pretends
to be good with tools.
435
00:18:05,082 --> 00:18:08,284
I can handle a tool. That's
why you and I get along.
436
00:18:08,352 --> 00:18:10,019
Seriously,
437
00:18:10,087 --> 00:18:12,822
you don't know your rasp
from a hole in the ground.
438
00:18:12,890 --> 00:18:15,458
Thank you so much. My husband
is in a hole in the ground.
439
00:18:15,526 --> 00:18:16,859
Oh, that's...
440
00:18:16,927 --> 00:18:18,261
Kidding!
441
00:18:18,329 --> 00:18:20,096
I had him cremated.
442
00:18:21,265 --> 00:18:23,032
We used that waffle iron.
443
00:18:26,422 --> 00:18:28,742
Helen, I think it's healthy
that you're finally able to...
444
00:18:28,772 --> 00:18:29,539
Stop.
445
00:18:31,274 --> 00:18:33,714
I'm gonna help her put in that
water heater, and I'll be home.
446
00:18:33,744 --> 00:18:36,346
All right, yeah, 'cause after
all, it is a "tankless" job.
447
00:18:41,218 --> 00:18:42,785
Maybe it's the delivery.
448
00:18:54,731 --> 00:18:56,199
Wow.
449
00:18:56,266 --> 00:18:58,234
There are a lot of guys here tonight.
450
00:18:58,302 --> 00:19:03,506
American foreign policy has been
very good for the VFW business.
451
00:19:03,574 --> 00:19:06,542
So, uh, which guys were in Vietnam?
452
00:19:06,610 --> 00:19:11,113
White hair and hearing
aids are your Korea vets,
453
00:19:11,181 --> 00:19:14,083
gray ponytails and beards
are your Vietnam vets,
454
00:19:14,151 --> 00:19:17,620
Metallica shirts are
your Desert Storm guys,
455
00:19:17,688 --> 00:19:24,427
and, um, that guy over there drinking
a Cosmopolitan was in Grenada.
456
00:19:24,494 --> 00:19:25,861
What about those guys?
457
00:19:25,929 --> 00:19:27,697
Do you think most of them saw combat?
458
00:19:27,764 --> 00:19:29,365
Yeah, but for some of them,
459
00:19:29,433 --> 00:19:32,134
the real battle is getting
through all the bureaucracy
460
00:19:32,202 --> 00:19:33,736
to get their VA benefits.
461
00:19:33,804 --> 00:19:35,204
Oh, that sucks.
462
00:19:35,272 --> 00:19:38,040
Yeah, it does.
463
00:19:38,108 --> 00:19:41,277
But, you know, we got a
guy here who helps them out.
464
00:19:41,345 --> 00:19:44,947
Every Wednesday night, he walks
vets through all the paperwork
465
00:19:45,015 --> 00:19:47,750
and makes sure they get
what they were promised.
466
00:19:47,818 --> 00:19:49,585
Been doing it for 30 years.
467
00:19:49,653 --> 00:19:51,687
That's really cool.
468
00:19:51,755 --> 00:19:53,589
Yeah, it is.
469
00:19:53,657 --> 00:19:56,726
Listen, don't beat yourself
up over this, all right, Larry?
470
00:19:56,793 --> 00:19:58,394
They always kick this form back.
471
00:19:58,428 --> 00:20:00,362
It's the 21-526ez.
472
00:20:00,430 --> 00:20:03,365
It's the hamburger hill
of disability claim forms.
473
00:20:05,202 --> 00:20:06,302
Mr. Alzate?
474
00:20:06,369 --> 00:20:07,503
Yeah, just one s...
475
00:20:07,571 --> 00:20:09,605
Well, look who it is.
476
00:20:09,673 --> 00:20:12,241
I was wondering if I could
maybe interview you again.
477
00:20:12,309 --> 00:20:13,576
Me?
478
00:20:13,643 --> 00:20:15,711
I thought you wanted your
report to be about a hero.
479
00:20:15,779 --> 00:20:17,279
Yes, I-I do.
480
00:20:18,648 --> 00:20:19,782
Mm.
481
00:20:19,850 --> 00:20:21,550
All right, well, I can't do it right now.
482
00:20:21,618 --> 00:20:23,319
I'm gonna be busy for a little while.
483
00:20:23,386 --> 00:20:25,554
Why don't you go to the
bar, get yourself a soda?
484
00:20:25,622 --> 00:20:28,490
You want to see something awesome,
have Pop open it for you.
485
00:20:37,780 --> 00:20:39,280
That was rough.
486
00:20:39,348 --> 00:20:40,681
Well, at least the worst part's over.
487
00:20:40,749 --> 00:20:42,590
Now just hook up the
electricity and the water,
488
00:20:42,618 --> 00:20:44,219
and someone's got to go turn the gas on.
489
00:20:44,253 --> 00:20:47,054
I was talking about your
endless hunting story.
490
00:20:47,122 --> 00:20:49,590
Are you sure that bear
didn't die of boredom?
491
00:20:49,658 --> 00:20:51,125
Yeah.
492
00:20:51,193 --> 00:20:52,560
Somebody's got to go in the basement,
493
00:20:52,628 --> 00:20:54,128
into the crawl space, and turn the gas on.
494
00:20:54,196 --> 00:20:56,030
I was down there, and I'm
...I'm sure I turned it...
495
00:20:56,098 --> 00:20:57,331
Wait a minute.
496
00:20:57,399 --> 00:20:58,666
Righty tighty, right? Lefty loosey.
497
00:20:58,734 --> 00:20:59,967
You know all this stuff.
498
00:21:00,035 --> 00:21:02,796
Well, anyway, go down there.
You'll figure it out. Just light a match.
499
00:21:05,868 --> 00:21:08,388
Jeez, I just remembered I got to
meet one of my sons for lunch.
500
00:21:11,707 --> 00:21:12,607
Oh, hey.
501
00:21:12,675 --> 00:21:13,575
Mom.
502
00:21:15,244 --> 00:21:16,611
I don't think we've met.
503
00:21:16,679 --> 00:21:17,546
Randy.
504
00:21:17,613 --> 00:21:19,314
Randy. You look familiar.
505
00:21:19,382 --> 00:21:19,883
Hey, Randy. How you doing?
506
00:21:19,914 --> 00:21:20,645
Yeah, I'm Randy. How's it going?
507
00:21:20,683 --> 00:21:21,616
It's good to see you.
508
00:21:21,684 --> 00:21:22,617
Check you later.
509
00:21:22,685 --> 00:21:24,586
See you later.
510
00:21:25,305 --> 00:21:31,588
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