Come on, Niño.
Show us the goods.
Listen up, the minute Niño reveals the stash, we move.
- Who is it? - Somebody's at the door.
Room service. Good afternoon.
I have the monthly suppliers.
- You gotta be kidding me. - Get the hell out of here.
This couldn't get any more ridiculous.
It's not my fault. It's God's.
I was wrong. Oh, jeez.
Oh, no.
- I'm just doing my job, sir. - Aha.
Oh.
We should get in there.
Eh, just hold on there. Keep... keep going.
We were not under the impression
that you would be armed.
You're selling these prescription drugs
- right out of this hotel room? - Yeah, sure.
Did you get that?
Let's move.
When I'm not on the street, wiping out... Ugh!
[Gunshot] Crap.
Don't move! Don't you frickin' move!
Lassie.
We totally caught the bad guys.
Agh. What were you thinking?
- You crashed our stakeout. - You're welcome.
You think the chief called us in to congratulate us
- on our bust yesterday? - Most definitely.
I'm also assuming that there will be an award involved.
A "busty"?
I was thinking lifetime achievement.
"Busties" usually go to strippers or sculptors.
- Lionel Richie has one. - Oh.
All right, everybody, listen up,
this morning another check-cashing establishment
was robbed at gunpoint.
It, like the others, is owned by Devry Longsdale.
Longsdale is a two-bit gangster
who runs one of the sleaziest operations in town.
In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he's being ripped off
by some other lowlife that he's double-crossed.
It is important that we separate our feelings about Longsdale
from the fact that whoever's robbing him
is breaking the law and needs to be brought to justice.
And we have strong reason to believe,
based on security-video footage,
that this person is a Mr. David Arnold.
- Oh. - He is 35 years of age
and served seven years for armed robbery.
He disables the alarm,
gets in and out in under five minutes.
- He is all business. - But only up front.
Around back, there is a major party going on.
[Laughs]
Mr. Spencer, Mr. Guster, my office now.
Excuse us. Gus and I have to go receive props now.
- Commander. - Mr. Spencer.
Yesterday's stunt
may be the most asinine and idiotic thing
I've seen in all my years at this department.
That doesn't sound like props.
- She's roasting us. - Oh.
What the hell do you think you were doing?
Oh, I don't know, catching the bad guys.
[Both laughing]
I hired you to assist Lassiter in taking down Baez,
not go rogue.
Yeah.
I told him over a week ago
that I sensed Baez was working out of that hotel,
and he didn't do anything.
He was setting up a sting, Shawn.
Do you have any idea what that involves?
Newman, Redford, the ladies,
the ponies.
Wiretaps, search warrants, surveillance teams,
all of which take time.
That sounds like something for you to worry about.
What we like to do is come up with a solution
and make it happen.
Not always in that order.
Well, I can't afford to hire you
on any more cases when you have zero understanding
of basic police procedure.
In the end, we always come through.
Just like the chairman of the federal reserve.
I'm not putting you on another case until you acquire
a fundamental understanding
of the way police operate.
Fine. We'll dust off our Chips DVDs and meet you
- back here Monday morning. - Best homework ever.
I'm afraid that's not going to cut it.
- Henry. - We've organized for both
of you to participate in a three-week crash course
at the Police Academy.
- What? - Boing.
I have to warn you this is going to be challenging.
- Ohh. - Come on, son.
Don't worry.
We... we know exactly what we need to do.
We make funny sound effects with our mouths,
stay on Bubba Smith's good side.
Gus, give me some machine-gun action.
Brrrr.
- I said machine gun. - I know. That was a AK-47.
No, I was talking about the firearm.
This isn't a movie, Shawn.
You're gonna have to exhibit discipline,
a respect for authority,
a willingness to follow the rules,
none of which are your strong suit.
You just tell me when and where.
This is a Rebecca Lobo layup.
Okay.
You have to report to the academy downtown at noon.
Noon?
That means we have four hours.
Four hours? No.
- It's 11:00 A.M. - I know.
[The Friendly Indians' I Know You Know]
♪ ♪
♪ I know you know ♪
♪ that I'm not telling the truth ♪
♪ I know you know ♪
♪ they just don't have any proof ♪
♪ Embrace the deception ♪
♪ learn how to bend ♪
♪ your worst inhibitions ♪
♪ tend to psych you out in the end ♪
Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
So chief Vick told me you two were psychics.
That's just me, sir.
I'm a pharmaceutical salesman, sir.
You don't need to finish every sentence with the word "sir."
But it feels fun and silly, sir.
Well, knock it off.
What the hell are you two wearing, anyway?
These are official Police Academy sweat outfits.
I've never seen 'em before.
Then you've never seen any of the movies.
These are exact replicas.
If you give Gus your sizes, he'll make you one as well.
Let me make one thing very clear, gentlemen.
This is not summer camp.
For the next three weeks, I will be putting you
through an intense program designed to make you think, act,
and behave like officers of the law.
Prepare to be pushed to your physical, mental, and,
yes, emotional limits.
Warning... Gus here's a big weeper.
Says the guy who broke down
while watching a commercial this morning.
There were abused puppies and a Sarah McLachlan song.
I am not a robot.
Good. Wanted to make sure you two
didn't snake out of this.
Nick Conforth?
I didn't know you were still on the force.
Hello, Lassiter.
How do you two know each other?
Us?
We're old pals from the academy.
We had an ongoing battle as to who would graduate
in the top spot... I won.
That's probably 'cause you cheated on that final exam.
I earned that spot fair and square.
It's good to see you two
have put all this old stuff behind you.
Eh, look, none of that matters now, does it?
Because I'm head detective of the S.B.P.D.,
and you're...
You're clearly doing well.
I'm the associate head of this academy,
in charge of all cadet training.
Cool. Hey, look at that.
They even give you your own badge.
It just turns out my heart was in teaching.
Look, there is no judgment here.
If you ever want a real-life example of someone
who catches bad guys for a living,
I'd be more than happy to come talk to your students.
[Loud thud]
Don't you forget that I worked
in the field too, detective.
That's right. What was that, six months?
Six months you did that. Then what happened?
'Cause I-I-I don't... I don't remember, Conforth.
Suspicious person, 4423 live at the mobil station.
Group of guys in an old cutlass.
Excuse me. Duty calls.
Copy, Lassiter responding. E.T.A., 15 minutes.
I got to go.
Really good seeing you, Conforth.
Have fun with these clowns.
- Is he really head detective? - I'm afraid so.
Officer Conforth, is it possible that I may take
a little snack break.
I haven't had anything since 2:00.
It's 2:15. Absolutely not.
- Is that a fire alarm? - I don't hear anything.
[Imitates alarm beeping]
Why is he making weird cat noises?
You have to stop. You're embarrassing yourself.
Listen, your program breaks down as follows.
A third will be spent in the classroom.
A third will involve fieldwork.
And one-third will be focused on physical training.
- What about the other third? - Are you kidding?
Never mind. Surprise us.
[Gunshot]
Dude, you're supposed to let go.
And fall into that disgusting-ass water?
I'll get dysentery, Shawn.
[Gunshots]
How did this improve the situation?
What is dysentery?
Time!
I can't believe you are Henry Spencer's son.
Well, neither can I.
It's an ongoing investigation,
and in my defense, I had reasonable suspicion
for all of those cardboard people that I shot.
You shot two innocent women.
If I may, the first woman with the groceries
was exiting a library that doesn't allow snacks.
I know this because we've tried on several occasions.
And the second woman was simply a replica of the first woman,
but they painted her face brown, which is both offensive
and suspicious.
But you shot her three times.
- Semantics. - It's not semantics.
How can you two be responsible for solving all these cases?
I can't believe you get out of bed
in the morning without hurting yourselves.
Oh, but we do and injury-free since June of last year,
when Gus broke his finger
flipping the injury-countdown calendar.
Wait, that's irony, right?
Irony is you asking me
what irony means every time you say it.
All right, maybe you'll do better in the field.
Today we will be patrolling a designated area
under the close supervision of myself and Fenway.
- Who's Fenway? - That guy right over there.
Oh.
Best scent dog in the state.
Played a role in solving over 50 cases.
Also played roles in The Bad News Bears,
The Odd Couple, and Grumpy Old Men.
[Laughing] He does look like Walter Matthau.
[Barks]
Here are your uniforms.
The badges are temporary.
The guns, thank God, are props,
but everything else is what's issued to our current officers.
These are not toys, gentlemen!
An officer's equipment is to be guarded
and accounted for at all times.
- Is that clear? - Yes, Sensei.
So on patrol today, can we pull people over and stuff?
Yes, as long as there's probable cause.
[Siren wailing]
You've got to be kidding me.
[Indistinct radio chatter]
[Sighs]
Sir, I'm gonna need to see your license
and registration, please.
Spencer, you must be out of your damn mind
if you think that's gonna happen.
License and registration, please, sir.
Hey!
- Have you been drinking, sir? - That's it.
Sir, if you don't calm down, I will be forced
to tase you in the face.
You don't have a taser.
Ohh. I should have known.
You were doing 45 in a 40.
The law is the law.
What the hell, Conforth? You can't beat me on the field,
so now you're trying to beat me off?
You may want to rephrase that, sir.
Maybe he has been drinking.
Sir, I'm gonna need you to stand
on one foot and hop at a medium pace.
All units, we have a robbery in progress
at Longsdale's check cashing, Wilcox and Shire.
Owns stay here.
I'm gonna go do some real police work.
You're pathetic, Conforth.
[Engine turning]
[Tires squealing]
Damn.
Don't let him get to you, Nick.
No, he's right. I am pathetic. What the hell am I doing?
I'll tell you exactly what you're doing.
You're teaching refined skills
that guys like us can utilize for weeks,
most likely days.
Seriously, for the ten hours or so
that we retain the stuff that you've taught us,
you made a real difference, Nick.
I am twice the cop that he is.
Well, don't just stand there and wax on about it.
Did you notice that he took the freeway?
- So? - So?
He just added ten minutes to his trip.
We can get you there in under five.
Just in time to bust the perp.
No. No. No way. You know what kind of trouble I'd get into
getting two cadets involved in an active robbery? No.
Think about it, Nick.
This is finally a chance to show him up once and for all.
If we do this, we got to catch the bad guys.
Don't worry, Nick.
It's our specialty.
Slow down. It's just up here on the left.
Holy crap. That's the guy.
Stop the car.
Stop. Stop right here.
Gah!
Let's go, Nick.
Nick!
Nick.
I understand why he went back to teaching.
He's headed towards the college over there.
I guess that obstacle course does have a practical purpose.
Everybody, listen up!
Come out of your dorm rooms!
We are looking for a redneck...
- Hello. - With a black backpack,
and we're pretty sure he came down this hallway.
Screw you, cadet.
Uh, he... he went right out there.
Guster, any luck?
That's a negative.
What are you guys, like, firemen?
Don't sweat it, Nick.
And Lassie doesn't need to hear about this.
Okay?
Too late, idiots.
Where's Mr. Guster?
Well, chief, I'm gonna be frank with you.
Gus had a tuna... possibly chicken-salad sandwich
from the vending machine,
and that, combined with the fact that we're in hot water again,
put his stomach on the fritz.
How long will he be?
35, 40 minutes, tops.
Well, you can fill him in yourself.
Officer Conforth,
you drove two cadets to a robbery in progress,
and you let them chase a suspect while you did what exactly?
I'm not sure it's important, chief.
I have an educated guess that's 100% accurate.
Officer Conforth here froze like the North Pole,
because when some men look danger in the eye,
they blink repeatedly,
like they're staring into the sun.
Some things never change, huh?
Well, unfortunately,
I have no choice but to suspend you for one month,
pending a full investigation.
No. Come on, chief, don't you think that's a little harsh?
Mr. Spencer, you're in no position to be defending anyone.
You were told not to participate
in any investigations until you completed your training,
and then you ignored me while somehow managing to lose
half your equipment in the process.
What?
I lost my hat and my flashlight.
Where's your radio?
Boom.
[Sighs]
And my radio... I lost that.
Look, a guy can only carry so much stuff, chief.
You and Mr. Guster
are to return to the academy immediately.
We'd love to do that for you, chief,
but you just suspended our instructor.
And I'm not entirely sure Gus is gonna make it
out of the latrine.
Well, you now have a substitute,
one that I have handpicked
to ensure that there will be no more incidents.
This maneuver is called
the precision immobilization technique, or the pit method.
It is when one car pursuing another
forces the pursued vehicle to abruptly halt.
You may want to write this down.
- Dude, this is so Top Gun. - Hmm.
I'm Cruise. She's McGillis.
You're Sundown.
- Why can't I be the Goose? - You know why.
Stop hypothetically typecasting me, Shawn.
Come on, it means you were also in Die Hard
and all those episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger.
I want to be the black goose.
I can't do this with your right now.
- Fine. - Yes, Mr. Spencer.
Have you ever seen a small, blue vehicle
swing out in front of a twin mack truck,
pull a 180 spin,
and then continue in reverse
while maintaining both speed and control?
No. And why would someone do something so stupid?
To communicate.
You know, to keep up international relations.
Do you have any real questions,
or would you rather keep wasting our time?
Well, hypothetically speaking,
let's say there's a guy knocking off check-cashing places
- in order to gather... - That's not hypothetical.
That is a real and current case we are not discussing
- in this class. - Understood.
Yes, Mr. Spencer.
Let's say there's a lady, and she has sticky fingers,
and she's knocking off those joints
that give you, like, a cash advance
on your paycheck in case you want to go to a club.
Okay, you know what? That's gonna be it for today.
We will continue discussing the pit maneuver
on Friday.
Mr. Spencer, a word?
I think you might be in trouble with the teacher.
I sure hope so.
[Sighs] You should start taking this training seriously.
It's for your own good.
Oh, come on, we both know this is some crazy idea
dreamt up by my dad and the chief.
It wasn't their idea, Shawn. It was mine.
I suggested the academy
to protect you from being killed.
[Cell phone rings]
Hey, Carlton.
David Arnold's car was just spotted
near Rose Valley on Harris Street.
This is the real deal, O'Hara.
Hop in a black-and-white, and let's bust this guy.
I'm on my way.
- I got to go. - Jules...
Look, I know that Gus and I
are not supposed to get involved in this investigation,
but I have to be honest with you.
That's gonna be very difficult for us.
Yeah, I can see that.
Why don't you come with me?
- Really? - Yeah.
Sundown, we're in.
The Goose, Shawn, the Black Goose.
That has no ring to it at all.
Harris Street at Rose Valley, unit 21 en route.
Suspect named in check-cashing robberies detained,
awaiting backup.
License plate confirmed.
Registrant... David Arnold.
Approach with extreme caution.
What?
- Wow. - She locked us in the car.
That's why she let us come... So she could keep tabs.
That crafty little doodle pumpkin.
Arnold, get out of that vehicle
with your hands in the air.
Do it!
You locked 'em in the cruiser, right?
- Yes. - I appreciate that.
No problem.
We are gonna be in so much hot water for this, Shawn.
Come on, Gus.
The water is lukewarm, pee-warm at worst.
Bottom line is this is not sitting right with me.
You say that for every case.
Yeah, but this is like sitting on a chair
covered with little wooden jacks that dig
- right up into the hunkers. - Why would you choose that?
Look, we owe it to Nick to catch this clown.
It's your fault he got suspended.
- It's our fault. - How come when something
is my fault, it's mine exclusively,
but when it's your fault, we share it equally?
Because I went to college.
- That's not cool. - Well...
- This is weird. - What?
The license plate registered to David Arnold's car
has been in the system for over a year.
- So? - So that tiny Korean woman
bought her car three weeks ago.
Which means prior to three weeks ago,
the police were tracking a license plate number
that hadn't even been created yet.
Exactly. The question is,
how did a bogus license plate number
make it onto David Arnold's profile?
Who are you calling?
His parole officer.
Dude, it's an Ikea.
Uh, question...
Do you guys make those Swedish meatballs in house,
or do you have them flown in frozen?
Gus, what if they're frozen?
That's a huge game changer for us.
We'll call them back later, Shawn.
I think all the information
in David Arnold's police record is phony.
What about his listed home address?
[Keys clacking] [Scoffs] It's in Boise, Idaho.
[Keys clacking]
The wild goose lounge?
As in wild-goose chase.
David Arnold doesn't exist, Gus.
Somebody made him up,
like Kelly Lebrock in Weird Science,
minus that sweet, generous bosom and the seductive accent.
So this fake guy's a red herring for the police to chase,
while the real robbers are ripping off
these check-cashing places.
Who is capable of hacking into the S.B.P.D. database
and planting a fake profile?
He's headed towards the college over there.
He went out there.
What are you guys, like, firemen?
Those crafty little bastards.
We got to go back to college.
Maverick to Charlie, over.
What, Shawn?
According to the dean of S.B.I.T.,
the kids are Chris Shepard and Dickie Hollenbrau.
Apparently, they're both computer wunderkinds.
And you think they're the ones
that hacked into the S.B.P.D. database?
That's a 10-4, Charlie.
They disabled Longsdale's security system
minutes before the hit.
Okay, listen, do not go any further with this,
and by all means,
do not go tracking them down at that school.
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
[Cheering]
- Copy that. - You are unbelievable.
Look, backup is on the way.
Just don't do what you normally do.
Done. Let's do this.
I go high. You go low.
I'll go high. You go low.
- I always go high. - We only did high-low once.
- Yeah, and I went high. - Let's mix it up. Go low.
Ah! Ow!
Looks like they cleared out of here.
Yeah, I can see that, Gus.
- You went high. - I know.
[Beep] Dude...
What are you doing?
We have, like, six minutes before Lassie gets here.
We will be long duck gone by then, Gus.
Just snoop it up.
Hey, you think it's weird that these two
have over 10,000 loyal-shopper points from Bazo's grocery,
even though it's, like, 20 miles away?
Yeah, and the tuna salad is really mayonnaise-y.
Check this out.
What do you got?
Ooh.
This is their room right here.
Closet. Closet.
[Popcorn popping]
[Whispering] Gus...
The smoking gun.
Let's go, Nick!
Oh, we just missed these puppies.
Two-bit gangster Devry Longsdale.
That's Devry.
He owns the check-cashing places that got knocked off.
We're gonna find these guys, get my money,
and shoot 'em in they faces like Marvin in Pulp Fiction...
Except we gonna do it on purpose.
How did these two idiots
figure out that it was Chris and Dickie who were robbing 'em?
I don't know, Gus, but we better find those kids
before Devry does.
Look, I know you guys
searched their dorm, because it reeked of popcorn.
[Both scoff]
That's all you're going off of?
Plus, you left this.
- Ooh. - You have a problem.
And one other thing...
I have arranged for someone else
to take you on your ride-along today.
What? Jules, you can't bail on us now.
Yeah, we're this close to catching Chris and Dickie.
I just don't want to get implicated in any of this.
Well, that is disappointing.
Okay, fine, then who'd you get to replace you?
You guys ready to go?
You rock my world.
After you, Buzz.
So I thought we'd, uh, cruise across town
and, uh, follow up on some reported vandalism.
Sweet. Sounds good, Buzz.
You mind if, uh, we stop off at Bazo's grocery first?
Uh, no. No can do.
I was given strict orders not to stop for anything else
but an emergency.
All right, but, uh, if Gus here doesn't get some sugar
into his system asap, his foot's gonna fall off.
See, he's got diabetes,
type "A" and simplex 2.
Aw, jeez.
My grandmother had that.
A-are you sure it can't wait till later?
Oh, no, it's fine. It's fine...
As long as you don't mind
having my foot pop off in your backseat.
No way, not on my watch.
- Hang tight, boys. - Thanks, Buzz.
[Siren wails]
It's like taking candy from an enormous baby.
Right.
I'll stay with the car. Get me a couple of glazed.
Well, it looks like the grocery business
has been good to Mr. Bazo.
I don't know if it's these uniforms,
but I've never craved doughnuts more.
We're gonna need another basket.
- I hear that. - They have muffins
and croissants on this bottom shelf.
Where are you going?
That's where all the money's coming from.
Bazo's a bookie.
And a heavily armed one.
May I help you?
It's certainly possible.
I'm officer Shawn Spencer,
and this is my partner, Mission Figz.
We're here to ask the tough questions.
For starters, who are you?
Lester Bazo, and that wasn't very tough.
I like to ease my way in.
What's the capital of Liechtenstein?
Shawn.
We're looking for Chris Shepard and Dickie Hollenbrau.
I believe they frequented this establishment.
Do I look like their mothers?
Hard to know. We haven't seen photos.
I don't have to answer any of your questions,
seeing as you're just cadets.
[Laughs] Guilty as charged.
Besides, we're not here to bust you, man.
Figz and I have no problems with gambling.
Matter of fact, we've been known
to lay down a few wagers ourselves.
The racing hot dogs on the jumbotrons
at ball games.
Always bet on relish.
The truth is, Chris and Dickie are friends of ours.
Well, I'm tight with Chris,
- and Figz loves Dickie. - What?
We're worried they might have gambling problems.
You think? They were into me for $250k.
What do you mean they were?
Those pinheads paid me off in full last night.
I don't know where they came up with the money,
nor do I care.
Fantastic.
One last question...
Is this the only doughnut station in the store?
Get the hell out of here.
So Chris and Dickie get in over their heads
with this goon,
so they knock off Devry, grab the cash
they need to pay him back.
Which may be the dumbest plan two geniuses ever came up with.
- [Exhales sharply] - Oh, hey, bummer, guys.
We got to cut the ride-along short.
Lassiter called while you guys were in Bazo's,
and they got a reported sighting of the check-cashing suspects
in, uh, Mission Canyon.
So I got to go patrol the area without you guys.
I'll drop you off at the station so you can get your car.
- Thanks, Buzz. - No problem.
Mission Canyon, that's a pretty small area, isn't it?
Yeah, it's three square miles at most. Why?
I think I know how we can track 'em down.
- Nick! - Yo, Nick!
Up and at 'em, man.
- Duty calls. - Nick!
Go away.
Dude, I was kidding.
What, did you sleep here last night?
Maybe.
Look, we can catch the guys responsible for those robberies.
Good. You guys go. I'll just screw it up.
I cannot believe what I am hearing.
Do you know what the Nick Conforth we know
- would be doing right now? - No.
Well, neither do we, really,
because our whole relationship with you only spans about a day.
But, come on, don't you teach your cadets to... to tough it out
- when the chips are down? - I don't know. Maybe.
Then you need to practice what you preach.
Now, you get dressed and help us bust these guys.
- What do you have to lose? - Nothing.
You're right.
I literally have nothing left.
That's the spirit.
All right, what do you need me to do?
Grab Walter Matthau.
Fenway.
- There he is. - Matthau... Matthau's coming.
A little fieldwork is exactly what Fenway needed
to help get his self-esteem back.
Worst idea ever.
Hold on, hold on.
He... he's onto something. [Barks]
The suspect may be in that house.
- Or there's a squirrel. - Yes!
Best idea ever.
- Let's do this. - Hold on.
Hold on. We got to call for backup first.
Really? We're off-duty,
- and you've been suspended. - I-I don't care.
We're doing this the right way, end of story.
So call it in, or I will.
[Sighs] I need somebody's thing.
What? Looking at me like that is not gonna make
my walkie come back, Gus.
This is car number B-LOO-BERRY.
We have suspects Shepard and Hollenbrau in our sights.
1408 airflight, requesting backup.
Roger, over,
rinse, repeat.
Spencer, I know that's you.
Stay where you are. I'm 20 minutes out.
Don't you dare blow this.
[Glass breaking, man shouts]
[Blows landing]
That's what you get for following orders.
Stay put.
[Dickie groans]
[Tires squealing]
Ah, Dickie, what happened?
Some guy that looks like a fabulous Emmitt Smith
just kidnapped my friend.
- Devry. - He says he's gonna kill Chris
in 24 hours if we don't give him back
the $250,000 that we stole from him.
Seriously, how does Devry keep showing up at places
moments after we do?
Uh-oh.
I think I know who has my walkie.
[Indistinct radio chatter]
You told Devry where we were?
Inadvertently, okay?
He has my walkie.
Because you left it at Devry's check-cashing place.
Gus, it is difficult to hoof it around
with a belt that's got all this business on it.
What did I tell you
about keeping your police possessions close to you?
Nick, you're gonna blow a top, man.
What have I lost, honestly?
A-a measly radio and those big, pink cuffs
that look like trash ties.
Dickie, what are you doing?
I'm sorry, okay? I really am,
but I cannot get taken in right now.
They will kill Chris. He's my best friend.
I got to go save him.
Don't follow me.
- Dickie! - Nice, Shawn.
Okay, this is not great for us.
Wow. I am speechless.
Me too, chief.
You know, Nick, I have no idea what's going on
inside that head of yours,
but I've got no choice but to extend your suspension
- for another month. - Oh.
And you... Okay, where is Mr. Guster?
Uh, chief, I'm... I'm afraid
that what we, uh, may be dealing with
is an I.B.S. situation.
Don't know if you've seen the commercials.
I've seen the commercials.
Well, then you know it can be spotty.
Oh, God, please, just stop talking.
Oh, I have received
a lot of advice on how to discipline you guys,
ranging from your father's suggestion
that we merely extend your police training
to having you pick up garbage on the beach
wearing orange jumpsuits.
- That was mine. - I prefer my dad's idea.
Well, I don't.
Enrolling you guys in the academy
was a good idea gone horribly, horribly awry.
At least when you screwed up as detectives,
you'd somehow end up catching the bad guys.
Some people just aren't cut out for police work.
With that said, Mr. Spencer,
you and Mr. Guster
are here by reinstated as consultants,
effective immediately.
- Sorry? - [Laughs]
That is a-a clever, well-timed quip, chief.
It's not a quip, detective.
You can't be serious.
Yeah, they did screw up again, but they were able to track down
- our suspects before we did. - We're a team.
And I'd prefer that they screw up
while not wearing our uniforms.
We won't let you down, chief.
[Chuckles] Yes, you will.
Now hand over your cadet badge.
Gladly.
[Muttering]
Must've slung it in one of these side babies here,
just right in here, for safe...
I-I really do have a problem.
It's over.
You were in the johnny can the whole time?
My belt is still intact, Shawn.
It doesn't just slide on and off.
Here's the good news... We don't have to wear
this ridiculous gear anymore. We are back.
I think I'm gonna go hit a bar and another bar
and then another.
Nick, come on, man, you got to rally it up.
Dickie's out there somewhere trying to wrangle the money
to pay Devry back... We just got to find him.
No, I'll pass.
Besides, where in the world is he gonna come up
with 250 grand within the next six hours?
I have a guess.
Do you honestly think that Dickie would be so dumb
as to rob from the crazy bookie
- he just paid off? - The kid's desperate, Gus.
[Gunshot]
Nobody steals from Lester Bazo.
[Exclamations] Yes, I think he's that dumb.
That's propane, Shawn.
We got to get in there and save Dickie.
That's not what I was thinking.
Come on.
[Exclamations]
[Gunshot]
I'm out.
[Gunshots]
Hey, Dickie, what's the word?
Damn, you almost got this off.
What are you guys doing here? [Gunshot, glass shatters]
I simply can't imagine us getting ourself
- into a worse situation. - Yo, Dickie!
Where you at, man?
I know you in here.
[Gun cocks]
Who the hell are you?
Who am I?
I'm that cat you be seeing in your dreams
and your nightmares.
- Devry, I got your money. - Shh.
- All right. - That money belongs to me.
Really? I don't think so.
Nice.
That was a massacre, Shawn.
- Everybody died. - That's not true.
Christian Slater and Patty Arquette made it out.
And Michael Rapaport.
That's a good point, Dickie. I forgot about that.
I know you ain't got no shells in that gun.
[Gunshots]
We are gonna die and die ugly, Shawn.
They're gonna take us out.
Not if they take each other out first.
[Feedback whines] Attention, shoppers.
All tubed meats are half off today,
and for you Bloodsport fans out there,
Bolo Yeung is in aisle seven
looking to get shot.
[Gunshots]
Over in produce, we have Jackie Earle Haley on steroids
toting a gun.
Squash that melon.
Dude, dude, it's working.
All that's left is Bazo and Devry.
[Gunshots] [Laughs]
I just done shot Bazo three times.
Now I'm coming for you, Dickie.
What the hell are we gonna do, Shawn?
You know what?
It's time for a trained officer of the law
to step up and save the day.
We have been at the academy for two days...
- Two days, Shawn. - Cover me.
- With what? - Improvise.
That's...
That's my gun.
Oh! Oh!
[Groans]
[Gus imitating gunfire]
Dude, what was that?
It's me!
Are you kidding me?
You've achieved pitch-perfect AK-47-mouth action.
I know! I've been practicing!
Air bump.
[Gun cocks]
You know Devry's right behind you, right?
That's right. Turn around.
Things you need to do for me or you die...
One, drop your weapon.
Two, get that Dickie out here with my money.
And three...
Tell me where the heck you got them kicks,
'cause I'm feeling them in a nasty, silly way.
- These? - Mm-hmm.
You like these, huh?
But seriously, though,
kick that gun over here.
I'm gonna kill you anyway, I think, so...
Not on my watch.
Hey!
Nick, I didn't know you shopped here.
I don't.
Too much mayonnaise in the tuna salad.
I still got a hostage, fool,
which means I still have the upper hand.
And speaking of hands, yours is shaking like crazy.
[Gunshot]
Nick!
You are under arrest.
Nick, you're amazing. You're a crack shot.
Mr. Spencer, do you have this under control?
I believe I do. How you doing over there?
I-I think I'm gonna barf.
Ah, that's... that's unfortunate.
Well, this case has had a lot of ups and downs,
but you pulled it together in the end.
[Chuckles] And on a separate note,
Mr. Spencer and Mr. Guster,
you will return the 11 bags of groceries
that you procured while the crime scene at Bazo's
was being processed.
Well, chief, we planned
on paying for those groceries,
but, unfortunately, Mr. Bazo is dead.
He isn't dead.
He's in the I.C.U.
Oh.
Did you already put that giant ham in the oven?
You know I did.
Officer Conforth,
in the end, you showed great bravery.
But you may very well be
the worst officer in the field I've ever seen.
Detective Lassiter, go ahead.
The cadets coming out of your classes at the academy
are top-notch, Conforth.
I respect that,
not very much, but enough to make it worth mentioning.
That being said,
we are withdrawing your suspension.
You can start back at the academy tomorrow.
Well, thank you, detective.
And I'm glad that the cadets have a great role model
such as yourself to look up to
when they're out in the field, so...
Fellas, I think we can probably afford
to nip the love fest in the butt.
- What do you say? - Yeah.
I think it's "bud," Shawn.
Well, I think "butt" makes more sense.
You know what, Nick?
You can be my wingman anytime.
- Our wingman. - Wingman?
What, like, a helper on dates?
- Nope. - That's a negative.
- Good luck to you, bud. - Come on.
Psst.
Chief's gonna make you return the groceries, isn't she?
Yeah.
Well, I got something
way cooler than 23 boxes of Cap'n Crunch,
a honey-baked ham, and soy milk.
Soy milk? Damn it, Gus.
Oh, my guchen.
That is an exact replica of Kelly McGillis' leather jacket
from Top Gun.
[Whispering] I can wear it tonight.
How about I wear it tonight?
- That's weird. - [Normal voice] Yeah.
- You wear it tonight. - I'll wear it.
[Inhaling deeply]
Sorry.
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