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Rick: t-t-t-this is just
Sloppy craftsmanship.
Morty: hey, Rick.
Boy, sure is really especially
Beautiful out there today, huh?
Rick: oh, yes, Morty.
I-it's almost unbelievable,
Isn't it?
Morty: yeah, you know?
There's something about the air
And just the way the sunshine
Is.
Rick: uh, sure, buddy. Yeah.
Sure. B-brilliant.
Very convincing.
Rick: wha convincing?
Morty: oh. Responsive, too.
In real time. I love it.
Morty: uhh...okay.
Beth: [ robotic ] i'm going
To work.
Morty, good morning.
Dad, good morning.
I am going to work. Goodbye.
Morty: what's with mom?
Rick: oh, what's with mom?
So, you're saying that she's
Acting weird?
How soph[burps]isticated.
Careful, guys.
You're gonna burn out the cpu
With this one.
Morty: okay, you know what,
Rick?
You'reacting weird, too.
Rick: whatever,
Quote-unquote "Morty."
Morty: all right, well...
I'll see you after school.
Ow! Oof! Ugh!
Damn it!
I'm all right. I'm okay.
Rick: [ slurps ]
All right, who can tell me
What 5 x 9 is?
[ students whispering ]
Morty?
Morty: uh, me?
What is 5 x 9?
Morty: umm...you know, it's
Uhh...at least 40.
[ students gasp ]
Morty, that's exactly
Correct!
5 x 9 isat least 40!
Come up here.
Whoo! Way to go, Morty!
Everybody, this is the best
Student.
I want youto be the teacher
Today.
Teach us, Morty!
Rick: interesting.
Morty: w-w-w-what do you want
Me to teach you?
Ooh, ooh!
How do you make concentrated
Dark matter?
Oh, that's a good question.
Morty: concentrated huh?
Concentrated dark matter
The fuel for accelerated space
Travel.
Now, do you know how to make it?
Morty: umm...
Come on, Morty.
Isn't your grandpa, like, a
Scientist?
Morty: oh, yeah, but, you
Know, he told me that i
Shouldn't go around spouting off
About, you know, his science and
Stuff.
I bet you've seen him make
Concentrated dark matter a lot.
You know, if you tell us, i'll
Be your girlfriend.
Morty: uh, y-you will?
Seems like a rare
Opportunity, Morty.
[ blam! ]
Rick: Morty, u-uh, come on.
There's a family emergency.
Stop right there!
If he leaves, i'm giving him an
"f."
Rick: he doesn't care.
Morty: aw, man!
Rick, i have to go back!
I think i was about to get
Married!
Ugh!
Rick: take a shower with me,
Morty.
Morty: what?!
Rick: listen to me, Morty.
Get your clothes off and get in
The shower right now.
Y-y-y-you got to trust me,
Morty.
Morty: ugh!
I'm gonna get an "f" in class,
Rick.
Rick: Morty, that's not
Class.
T-t-t-that wasn't your teacher.
This isn't your school.
This entire world is not the
World.
We're inside a huge simulation
Chamber on an alien spaceship.
Morty: wait a minute.
W-what are you talking about?
Rick: it's all fake [burps]
Morty all of it.
Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of
Crazy fake nonsense, Morty.
I couldn't say so until we got
In the shower.
They won't monitor us in here.
Morty: monitor us?! W-who?!
Rick: zigerion scammers,
Morty the galaxy's most
Ambitious, least successful con
Artists.
You know, it's lucky for us
They're also really
Uncomfortable with nudity.
Morty: aw, come on, Rick.
If everyone's just gonna be
Insane today, at least let me be
Insane with jessica.
Rick: i can't [burps] let you
Do that, Morty.
Morty: give it to me!
Rick: no! [ burps ]
You give it to me!
Morty: g-g-give it! No, Rick!
[ aliens groaning ]
Oh, god, sir!
They're still naked!
Ugh.
Well, check every five quintons
And tell me when they're not.
I think we should make kevin
Look, sir.
What?! No!
W-w-why would you even say that?
Uh, sir, we have a situation
Over here.
If there's a wiener on that
Monitor, i swear to god, stu...
Something is drawing a lot of
Processing power.
Oh, wait. No wonder.
There's another real human in
The simulator.
Jerry: okay, Jerry big
Pitch meeting.
Make-or-break time.
[ whirrin]
You can do this.
How did this happen?!
Where's the abductions
Department?
Hey, man, abductions just
Follows the acquisition order.
Don't put this on
Acquisitions!
We only acquire humans that
Haven'tbeen simulated!
Well, simulations doesn't
Simulate anybody that's been
Abducted, so [chuckles]
Oh, i see! Oh, oh!
It was no one's fault.
Oh, okay. [ chuckles ]
I'm sorry.
Well, then, problem solved.
Oh, wait no.
There's still another human in
Here!
Who is he?
Rick's son-in-law,
Jerry smith.
So far, he hasn't noticed he's
In a simulation.
[ sighs ]
Well, cap his sector at 5%
Processing, keep his settings on
Auto, and we'll deal with him
Later.
Rick sanchez is the target.
Jerry: [ inhales deeply ]
Got to relax.
It's just a pitch.
Got to relax.
[ click ]
[ static ]
This is earth radio.
And now, here's...human music.
[ repetitive rhythmic beepin]
Jerry: hmm. Human music.
I like it.
[ beeping continue]
[ Rick and Morty panting ]
Morty: Rick!
Rick: uhp, uhp, uhp!
Morty, keep your hands off your
Ding-dong!
It's the only way we can speak
Freely.
Look around you, Morty.
Do you really think this [burps]
World is real?
You'd have to be an idiot not to
Notice all the sloppy details.
Look that guy's putting a bun
Between two hot dogs.
Morty: i don't know, Rick.
I mean, i've seen people do that
Before.
Rick: well, look at that old
Lady.
She's she's walking a cat on
A leash.
Morty: uh, mrs. Spencer does
That all the time, Rick.
Rick: look, i-i-i don't want
To hear about mrs. Spencer,
Morty!
She's an idiot!
All right, all right, there.
W-what about that, Morty?
Morty: okay, okay, you got me
On that one.
Rick: oh, really,Morty?
Are you sure you haven't seen
That somewhere in real life
Before?
Morty: no, no.
I haven't seen that.
I mean, why would a pop tart
Want to live inside a toaster,
Rick?
I mean, that would be, like, the
Scariest place for them to live.
You know what i mean?
Rick: you're missing the
Point, Morty.
Why would he drive a smaller
Toaster with wheels?
I mean, does your car look like
A smaller version of your house?
No.
Morty: so, why are they doing
This?
W-what do they want?
Rick: well, that would be
Obvious to you, Morty, if you'd
Been paying attention.
[ siren wails ]
[ tires screech ]
We got the president of the
United states in here!
We need 10cc of concentrated
Dark matter, stat, or he'll die!
Morty: concentrated dark
Matter?
They were asking about that in
Class.
Rick: yeah, it's a special
Fuel i invented to travel
Through space faster than
Anybody else.
These zigerions are always
Trying to scam me out of my
Secrets, but they made a big
Mistake this time, Morty.
They dragged youinto this.
Now they're gonna pay!
Morty: what do you
W-w-what are we gonna do?
Rick: we'll scam the
Scammers, Morty.
And we're gonna take them for
Everything they've got.
Jerry: national apple farmers
Of america, welcome to our ad
Agency.
I'm Jerry smith.
All right.
I'll just...get to the pitch.
Um, simple question, gentlemen,
[ hoarsely ] what are apples?
[ clears throat ] excuse me.
Ahh.
[ coughs, clears throat ]
What are apples?
Apples are food.
And...when do we need food?
When we're hungry.
With that, i give you your new
Slogan!
[ sighs ]
Well, say something!
Do you like it?
Yes.
Jerry: you do?
All: yes.
Jerry: so...i sold it?
[ laughs ] i sold the idea?
All: yes.
Jerry: oh, my god! Thank you!
Together: thank you.
You're welcome.
[ "baker street" plays ]
Jerry: hey!
I just sold my first pitch!
[ dialing ]
Slow down!
Lookin' good.
My man!
[ beeping, telephone ringing ]
Robot Beth: hello.
Jerry: guess who just sold
The apples campaign.
Robot Beth: who just sold the
Apples campaign?
Jerry: me!
I guess it wasn't a rip-off of
"got milk?" after all.
Guess someonewas wrong.
Robot Beth: yes.
Jerry: well, all is forgiven,
Because right now, i've got an
Erection the size of an
East coast lighthouse, and i'm
Coming home to share it with my
Beautiful wife.
Robot Beth: okay.
Jerry: wait really?
Robot Beth: yes.
Jerry: yes!
See you in 10 minutes!
[ cellphone beeps ]
Hey!
I'm going to make love to my
Wife!
Lookin' good.
Slow down!
My man!
[ beeping ]
Morty: aw, geez, Rick.
I-i don't know if i like this
Plan, you know?
I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have
A tendency to make me really
Nervous.
Rick: Morty, relax.
It's just a bunch of 1s and 0s
Out there.
You're gonna be fine.
Just follow my lead.
Yo, deejay, drop that beat.
[ hip-hop beat plays ]
[ cheers and applause ]
Uh-oh, Morty.
This crowd looks too small for
One of ourfamous rap concerts.
I don't think we can perform our
New song, "the recipe for
Concentrated dark matter," for a
Crowd this tiny.
Morty: you got that right,
Rick.
[ cheers and applause ]
Rick: now that's [burps]
More like it!
Morty, here we go.
Let me hear everybody say
"hey-oh!" yeah!
[ crowd cheering ]
All the ladies say, "yeah!"
[ ladies cheering ]
Everybody over 30, do this with
Your hands!
Everybody with a red shirt, jump
Up and down!
[ beeping ]
[ tires screech ]
Jerry: mm. Mm. Mm.
Yeah, don't move.
Mm, mm, mm, mm!
Mm!
[ cheers and applause ]
Rick: yo, everyone whose
First name begins with an "l"
Who isn't hispanic, walk in a
Circle the same number of times
As the square root of your age
Times 10!
[ beeping ]
Run, Morty!
Before the system reboots!
[ squeaking ]
Jerry: yeah! You like that?
Now who's unremarkable?
You hungry for apples?
[ squeaking intensifies ]
Are you hungry...for...apples?!
[ squeaking stops ]
[ sighs deeply ]
[ chuckles ]
Oh, my god.
That's the best sex i've ever
Had in my life.
It's...it's...too good.
I don't deserve this, Beth.
I'm a fraud.
Morty: oh, man, Rick!
W-w-w-where we running to?
Rick: out of the simulation,
Morty.
Normally, the chamber operates
Like a treadmill, with the
Virtual world disappearing
Behind us and being rendered in
Front of us as we move through
It, but while it's frozen,
Morty, we can get to...
The edge.
Here we go.
Morty: holy crap!
Rick: come on, Morty.
Morty: [ grunts ]
Sir, they're over the edge.
Yes, they are.
Just...as...planned.
[ evil laughter ]
Oh, this is going to be such a
Mind [bleep]
Rick: keep your eyes peeled
For the central processing room,
Morty.
That's how we're gonna scam
These idiots.
Morty: so, hey, why do these
Aliens keep coming after you,
Rick, if you're so much smarter
Than them?
Rick: it's an obsession for
Them at this point.
The zi[burps]gerions have been
Trying to outsmart me for years,
Morty.
Every time they do, i'm one step
Ahead of them.
Aha!
Here we go.
Grab as many processors as you
Can carry, Morty.
These guys aren't good at much,
But they're reallygood at
Making these chips.
Morty: i've got so many, i
Can barely hold them all.
[ chuckles ]
Look at look at this.
Oops. I dropped one.
Rick: don't worry about it,
Morty.
There's plenty of them, you
Little goofball.
[ both laugh ]
Come here, Morty! Oh, i gotcha!
Morty: come on, quit it,
Rick!
Quit it! [ laughs ]
Rick: nothing wrong with just
A little bit of horseplay every
Now and then, little fella.
[ glass shatters ]
Morty: wow. What do you know?
Huh. That was easy.
Rick: totes malotes, dawg.
Morty: just kind of hard to
Believe, you know?
Rick: believe it, Morty.
And once again, i'm flying away
With everything i can carry, and
The zigerions got nothing of
Mine.
Jerry: [ sighs ]
Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a...
Minute to talk?
[ snaps fingers ] yes.
Jerry: look, i'm a fraud.
I mean, let's face it
"hungry for apples" is just a
Rip-off of "got milk?"
It's almost identical.
[ snaps fingers ] yes.
Jerry: [ sighs ] okay.
I deserve that.
Umm...i guess...i'll just pack
Up my desk.
[ snaps fingers ] yes.
Jerry: [ crying ]
[ sobbing ] oh, my god.
Wait. You know what?! No!
The milk people don't have a
Patent on simple rhetorical
Questions!
There's not even a single word
In "hungry for apples" that's
Shared by "got milk?"
It's a completely different
Slogan.
It's different!
And i shouldn't be fired.
I should be promoted!
[ snaps fingers ] yes.
Jerry: yeah!
Wait. Really?
[ snaps fingers ] yes.
Jerry: yes!
I mean, i'm it may be
Derivative, but it's the most
Successful campaign to come out
Of thagency in a long time.
[ snaps fingers ] yes.
Jerry: i-i'm not saying it
Should win an award for
Commercials, but it could
Certainly be nominatedfor an
Award for commercials
Specifically about apples,
Like...an appley or something.
[ snaps fingers ] yes.
Jerry: is there really an
Award called the appley for
Apple-related ad campaigns?
[ snaps fingers ] yes.
Jerry: could we nominate me?
[ snaps fingers ] yes.
Jerry: holy crap!
[ beeping ]
Rick: get in, Morty.
I'm gonna [burps] be able to use
These processors to make some
Real important science stuff.
[ keypad beeping ]
Huh.
I thought i entered the code
Right.
[ keypad beeping ]
Wha well, what's this?
W-what could this possibly be?
Because it looks like you're
Inside a simulation...
Inside a simulation.
You're still on the ship.
Game-day bucket go boom.
Sir, the, uh, doctor's
Appointment to examine the
Discoloration on your butthole
Flaps was
Too loud, cynthia.
Too loud and too specific.
Rick: uhh...
[ chuckles ]
We've known how to make
Concentrated dark matter for a
Long time.
But now we alsoknow the code to
Your fabled safe, Rick sanchez!
All your most valuable secrets
Will now be ours!
Rick: uh, yeah, until i get
Home before you and change the
Combination, you bunch of
Idiots!
That is why you're never
Getting home.
Get them!
Rick: [ grunts ]
[ aliens shouting, groaning ]
Run, Morty!
[ both panting ]
Morty: oh, my god!
[ beep, click ]
[ mechanical breathing ]
Ow!
[ click, whoosh ]
[ aliens screaming ]
[ both panting ]
Jerry: i got to tell you,
This morning, i didn't even know
This award existed.
Now i'm holdingone.
And...um...
Look, i want to say that today
Was the best day of my life...
But...the truth is, it's it's
More meaningful than that.
My man!
Jerry: yes. Thank you, sir.
[ sighs deeply ]
I...am...finally complete!
[ beeping ]
My my my my man!
Jerry: aah!
What the hell?!
[ beeping ]
No.
Rick: Jerry?!
Morty: dad!
Rick: what are you doing
Here?
W-why are you dressed like a
Waiter?
Screw it. We don't have time.
Come on.
Jerry: [ sobbing ] no!
[ alarm blaring ]
Rick: ohhhhh!
[ beeping ]
Jerry: aah!
All: yes! Yes! Yes!
Oof!
Rick: man up, Jerry!
I may need you to work the
Lasers.
[ beeping ]
[ slurps ]
[ gasps ]
[ alarm blaring ]
Morty: oh, man!
They're hot on our tail, Rick!
Rick: i guess they really do
Have concentrated dark matter.
Morty: well, you know how to
Make it, too, right, Rick?
Rick: yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, check the engine room.
We just need cesium, plutonic
Quarks, and bottled water.
Morty: it's all here, Rick!
Rick: wow, Morty.
Lucky break.
Grab that bucket.
Okay, two parts plutonic quarks,
One part cesium.
Morty: okay. Uh-huh.
[ fizzing ]
All right.
Rick: now empty the water
Bottle into the bucket and pour
It all into the fuel tank so we
Can get the hell out of here!
What are you doing, Morty?!
There's no time!
[ beeping ]
Morty: [ stammering ]
Rick: oh, no.
Jerry: what the
Rick: no!
[ laughter ]
Oh, my god, Rick.
How dumb are you?
You're inside a simulation...
Of a simulation...
Inside another giant simulation!
[ laughs ]
W-we never had the recipe for
Concentrated dark matter.
But we do now!
We do now, sucka!
Rick: you simulated my
Grandson's genitalia?!
Y-y-you bunch of diabolical sons
Of bitches!
Kevin fought real hard to
Supervise that project.
You said you weren't gonna
Tell anyone!
I'm never gonna live this down,
Am i?
Rick: all right. Okay.
All right, great. Wonderful.
You win. Can we go home now?
I don't know. Canyou?
Ha! Nice.
Okay, okay.
Show this gullible turd to his
Shuttle.
I'm done with him.
Oh, wait. Let me get a picture.
[ shutter clicks ]
Aww. Look at his face.
He's trying to figure out if
He's in a simulation still.
Are you, Rick?
Are you?
[ laughs ]
You're not.
Or ayou?
Oh, a-and, by the way, i don't
Have discolored butthole flaps.
That was part of the simulation.
Oh.
Uh, sir, should i cancel that
Appointment, then?
Yeah! Of course you should!
[ chuckles ]
No, keep it.
Move it up, actually, if you
Can.
Rick: hey, Jerry, don't worry
About it.
So what if the most meaningful
Day of your life was a
Simulation operating at minimum
Cap[burps]acity?
Jerry: you know what, Rick?
Those guys took youfor a ride,
Too.
You should try having a little
Respect for the dummies of the
Universe, now that you're one of
Us.
Rick: maybe you're right,
Jerry.
Maybe you're right.
[ aliens cheering ]
[ dance music plays ]
All right, everybody.
Two parts plutonic quarks...
One part cesium...
[ fizzing ]
A-and listen, i'm sorry for
Éling earlier.
I-i couldn't ask for a better
Staff.
I love you guys, and i love all
Your families.
And the final ingredient...
Jerry: whoa!
What the hell?!
W-what happened back there?
Rick: why don't you ask the
Smartest people in the universe,
Jerry?
Oh, yeah. [ burps ] you can't.
They blew up.
[ sighs ]
[ beep ]
[ "baker street" play]
[ vocalizing ]
[ vocalizing out of sync ]
[ "baker street" continues ]
Jerry: so...
What do you think?
You're fired.
Jerry: wha
But t-this idea was tested in a
State-of-the-art simulation.
Well, then, it was a terrible
Simulation.
Get out.
[ door opens, closes ]
Man, how does a guy like that go
Home and have sex with his wife?
Rick: hey, Morty.
Morty: what?
Rick: hey, little buddy.
H-h-how you doing in here right
Now?
Morty: aw, geez, Rick.
What are you doing, man?
Rick: y-y-you're a good kid,
Morty.
Y-you're a real l-little
C-character, Morty.
Morty: oh, boy.
Rick: you know, i had a
Really rocky road today,
M-Morty.
You're my little friend, aren't
You?
[ sighs ]
We had some good times together,
Huh, m-Morty?
We
You're a real true hero out in
The fld.
You're a li
You're a real trouper, huh,
M-m-Morty?
Morty: have you been
Drinking, Rick?
Rick: i really appreciate
You, Morty.
Morty: o-okay, cool.
A-all right, Rick
Rick: you little son of a
Bitch!
Y-y are you a simulation?!
Huh?! Are you a simulation?!
Morty: no! No! No!
Rick: you little son of a
Bitch!
Morty: [ gasping ]
Rick: i-i-i'm sorry, Morty.
Y-you're a good
You're a good kid, Morty.
Morty: geez!
Rick: y-you're a good
You're a good kid.
Morty: oh, my god!
Rick: [ snoring ]
Morty: w-w-what the hell?
What a life.
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