1 00:00:01,334 --> 00:00:04,937 The trick to cereal is keeping 70% above the milk. 2 00:00:04,939 --> 00:00:07,206 Jerry, get a job. [ Knock on door ] 3 00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:08,640 Uh, w-why don't you get it, Jerry? 4 00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:10,809 You're the man of the house, and you don't have a job. 5 00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:12,845 [ Sighs ] 6 00:00:12,847 --> 00:00:14,346 Delivery for Rick. 7 00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:15,981 Morning, Summer, Beth, and Jerry. 8 00:00:15,983 --> 00:00:17,182 Gross. What is that thing? 9 00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:18,550 It's a courier flap. 10 00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:20,152 It's like the intergalactic version of u.P.S., 11 00:00:20,154 --> 00:00:21,787 but less off-putting. 12 00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:23,055 Oh, shiiit! 13 00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:25,124 It looks like an egg-vite from birdperson. 14 00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:27,159 Must be time for his annual Oscar party. 15 00:00:27,161 --> 00:00:28,861 And, by the way, our TV signals take light years 16 00:00:28,863 --> 00:00:30,129 to reach his planet. 17 00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:31,864 Nobody tell him that "braveheart" wins. 18 00:00:31,866 --> 00:00:34,700 [ Music plays ] Greetings. This is birdperson. 19 00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:35,968 And Tammy! 20 00:00:35,970 --> 00:00:37,302 Inviting you to planet squanch 21 00:00:37,304 --> 00:00:38,737 for our mate-melding ceremony -- 22 00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:40,372 blugh! [ Muffled ] If you're from earth, 23 00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:41,874 that means we're getting married! 24 00:00:41,876 --> 00:00:43,142 Oh, my God! 25 00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:44,977 My friend Tammy's marrying birdperson! 26 00:00:44,979 --> 00:00:46,078 What the hell is a birdperson? 27 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:47,346 He's Rick's best friend. 28 00:00:47,348 --> 00:00:49,014 Uh, l-let's not get carried away, Morty. 29 00:00:49,016 --> 00:00:50,749 Would you like to rsvp or send a gift? 30 00:00:50,751 --> 00:00:53,218 No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. 31 00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:54,720 If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away, 32 00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:56,655 [burps] I'd hang out with Jerry all day. 33 00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:58,190 Affirmative! Returning to sender. 34 00:00:58,192 --> 00:01:00,359 No, hold on, stay, courier flaps. Staying! 35 00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:02,594 Dad, you have a friend that's getting married. 36 00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:03,562 That's a big deal. 37 00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:05,397 It's a big deal he has a friend. 38 00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:07,900 What do you know about friendship, Jerry? 39 00:01:07,902 --> 00:01:09,368 Confirmed, shipping Jerry. 40 00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:10,702 [ Muffled ] Whoa, whoa, wait! Aah! 41 00:01:10,704 --> 00:01:11,670 Oh, God! Jerry! 42 00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:12,504 Dad! Dad! 43 00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:14,840 Where is it taking him? 44 00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:16,575 I assume planet squanch -- 45 00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:18,510 6,000 light years across the galaxy. 46 00:01:18,512 --> 00:01:20,412 Whoa, t-that's -- that's insane! 47 00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:23,382 Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding. 48 00:01:23,384 --> 00:01:26,085 ♪ 49 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:34,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 50 00:01:55,081 --> 00:01:56,715 [ Upbeat music playing] 51 00:01:56,717 --> 00:01:58,617 [ Bottles rattling ] 52 00:02:03,823 --> 00:02:05,557 Rick Sanchez! 53 00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:07,059 You psycho bag of squanch! 54 00:02:07,061 --> 00:02:08,393 Hey, what's up, squanchy? 55 00:02:08,395 --> 00:02:09,561 Summer and Morty: Hey, squanchy. 56 00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:12,131 Morty, Summer! And you must be Beth. 57 00:02:12,133 --> 00:02:14,266 Mwah! Ensquanche! 58 00:02:14,268 --> 00:02:17,169 You're language has the word "squanch" in it a lot. 59 00:02:17,171 --> 00:02:18,937 Doesn't that become tedious and worn out, 60 00:02:18,939 --> 00:02:20,405 like the smurf thing? 61 00:02:20,407 --> 00:02:22,841 Beth, squanchy culture is more contextual than literal. 62 00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:25,844 You just say what's in your squanch and people understand. 63 00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:26,945 Oh. Okay. 64 00:02:26,947 --> 00:02:29,915 I squanchmy family. 65 00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:31,250 Uh... What, I do. 66 00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:32,351 I squanch my family. 67 00:02:32,353 --> 00:02:34,319 Stop saying it. Gross. 68 00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:35,487 Come on in, guys. 69 00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:37,523 The guest are having cocksquanches. 70 00:02:40,193 --> 00:02:41,994 [ Groaning ] 71 00:02:41,996 --> 00:02:43,462 [ Gasps ] 72 00:02:43,464 --> 00:02:45,197 Where am I?! You're at a wedding. 73 00:02:45,199 --> 00:02:46,765 Go change. 74 00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:49,468 ♪ And I'm an alien with jazz rap style ♪ 75 00:02:49,470 --> 00:02:52,271 ♪ jazz rapping for an alien mile ♪ 76 00:02:52,273 --> 00:02:54,773 ♪ fat beats and an alien smile 77 00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:57,776 ♪ jazz space phone, alien dial is my friend ♪ 78 00:02:57,778 --> 00:02:59,678 ♪ I got a mouthful of jazz for your ass ♪ 79 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:00,946 [ Crying ] 80 00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:02,447 ♪ And I'm gonna keep jazzing 81 00:03:02,449 --> 00:03:04,116 [ both squealing ] Oh, you made it! 82 00:03:04,118 --> 00:03:05,617 I wouldn't it for the world! 83 00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:08,287 Oh, my God. I love your ring. 84 00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:11,156 Thanks. It was birdperson's grandmother's. 85 00:03:11,158 --> 00:03:13,025 She fought a squirrel for it. 86 00:03:13,027 --> 00:03:14,326 Birdperson. 87 00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:16,495 Rick, I am pleased you and your family 88 00:03:16,497 --> 00:03:18,630 could witness my melding with Tammy. 89 00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:19,698 Our pleasure. 90 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,700 Yeah, I just hope you got a pre-meld. 91 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:22,834 Rick! What?! 92 00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:24,203 It's just a practical way of making sure 93 00:03:24,205 --> 00:03:25,470 that when she's done with you, 94 00:03:25,472 --> 00:03:26,805 you can get one of your balls back. 95 00:03:26,807 --> 00:03:27,806 Jesus, dad. 96 00:03:27,808 --> 00:03:29,208 He's just grumpy from the flight. 97 00:03:29,210 --> 00:03:30,976 Ohh, I-I was happy on the flight. 98 00:03:30,978 --> 00:03:32,711 I'm grumpy from the landing. 99 00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:34,146 [ Sighs ] 100 00:03:34,148 --> 00:03:35,347 Well, I looked at the guest book. 101 00:03:35,349 --> 00:03:37,082 We don't know a damn person here. 102 00:03:37,084 --> 00:03:39,818 Hi! Jerry Smith -- father of the bride's friend. 103 00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:41,920 Advertising is my usual game, but I'm between -- 104 00:03:41,922 --> 00:03:44,323 Jerry, stop networking. We're in space. 105 00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:45,824 "Jerry, get a job! 106 00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:47,859 Jerry, don't look for a job at an alien wedding!" 107 00:03:47,861 --> 00:03:49,161 I don't get you. 108 00:03:49,163 --> 00:03:50,495 This is the closest I've ever gotten 109 00:03:50,497 --> 00:03:51,897 to this part of my father's life. 110 00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:53,165 I don't want to blow it. 111 00:03:53,167 --> 00:03:54,766 Okay, I get it. I'm cramping your style. 112 00:03:54,768 --> 00:03:57,269 You say you get it, but I'm scared you'll keep doing it. 113 00:03:57,271 --> 00:03:59,671 Look, here's some humans you can practice on. 114 00:03:59,673 --> 00:04:01,573 You must be Summer's mom and dad. 115 00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,842 We're Tammy's parents -- pat and Donna guterman. 116 00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:05,010 Hi. Beth. 117 00:04:05,012 --> 00:04:06,378 This is Jerry. 118 00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:09,014 So you're teenage daughter's marrying a birdman. 119 00:04:09,016 --> 00:04:10,349 Are you guys down with that? 120 00:04:10,351 --> 00:04:11,883 [ Chuckles ] No pun intended. 121 00:04:11,885 --> 00:04:13,352 We're quite proud. 122 00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:16,255 He's a wonderful person and an incredible bird. 123 00:04:16,257 --> 00:04:18,123 Still, what is he, 40? [ Chuckles ] 124 00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:19,391 It's just, you know, 125 00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:21,560 when he was 30, she was an actual child. 126 00:04:21,562 --> 00:04:23,395 When he was her age, she wasn't born. 127 00:04:23,397 --> 00:04:25,430 When he was, let's see, like, 18, 128 00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:28,533 she was literally in there in your womb. 129 00:04:28,535 --> 00:04:29,968 Imagine being pregnant with your daughter 130 00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:31,803 and a bird teenager comes into your home and says, 131 00:04:31,805 --> 00:04:33,805 "I'll take that. I'll have sex with that." 132 00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:35,440 [ Both chuckle ] Give us one second. 133 00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:37,709 Oof! Were you born with your feet in your mouth? 134 00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:39,077 I was transported here against my will 135 00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:40,479 in a meatball, all right? 136 00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:42,814 So take your attitude to the men's section of kmart, 137 00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:45,484 'cause you need to cut me some slack...S. 138 00:04:45,486 --> 00:04:46,818 I want you to stand in the corner 139 00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:48,754 and face the corner and talk to nobody. 140 00:04:48,756 --> 00:04:51,723 Maybe...I...Will. 141 00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:53,759 You know, you're not being very supportive 142 00:04:53,761 --> 00:04:55,560 of birdperson on his big day. 143 00:04:55,562 --> 00:04:57,729 Birdperson's big day, Morty, 144 00:04:57,731 --> 00:05:01,266 was at blood Ridge on glapflap's third moon 145 00:05:01,268 --> 00:05:03,168 against the gromflamites! 146 00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:05,504 This? This is a losing battle. 147 00:05:05,506 --> 00:05:07,506 Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. 148 00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:08,840 He's getting married! 149 00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:10,442 I mean, what do you think's gonna happen 150 00:05:10,444 --> 00:05:12,144 if you open yourself up a little bit? 151 00:05:12,146 --> 00:05:13,645 I mean, look around. 152 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:16,515 This is your family and friends all around you, you know? 153 00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:17,916 Take the day off. 154 00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:19,918 There's nothing to run from, nothing to fight. 155 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,120 [ Whistles ] That's his last name. 156 00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:23,255 Are you hyphenating it? 157 00:05:23,257 --> 00:05:24,756 Squanch this, mo-fo. 158 00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:25,857 [ Both laugh ] 159 00:05:25,859 --> 00:05:27,926 Good one, Morty. Excuse me, bartender. 160 00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:29,928 Can you make me a dumb grandson pep talk? 161 00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:33,165 It's one part lame advice about stuff you know nothing about 162 00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:34,666 and a lot of vodka. 163 00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:36,435 Mm-hmm. I have a lot of vodka. 164 00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:37,369 Then I'll take one of those. 165 00:05:37,371 --> 00:05:39,004 I don't need the rest. 166 00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,605 God, whatever, Rick. 167 00:05:40,607 --> 00:05:42,441 Oh, it sounds like you and my dad have 168 00:05:42,443 --> 00:05:43,709 a long history together. 169 00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,344 Wish I could say the same. 170 00:05:45,346 --> 00:05:47,179 The road your father and I walked together 171 00:05:47,181 --> 00:05:51,316 is soaked deeply with the blood of both friends and enemies. 172 00:05:51,318 --> 00:05:52,451 Must be nice. 173 00:05:52,453 --> 00:05:54,486 Um, I used to have to draw him 174 00:05:54,488 --> 00:05:56,054 into family photos with a crayon. 175 00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:58,690 The war in which we fought is far from over. 176 00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,392 We live our lives in hiding. 177 00:06:00,394 --> 00:06:02,461 I guess I should be happy for you. 178 00:06:02,463 --> 00:06:05,063 I mean, great, you guys got to hang out. 179 00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:06,631 I hope you had a blast. 180 00:06:06,633 --> 00:06:09,000 The galactic government considers us terrorists. 181 00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:11,570 It's unwise of me to share these details, 182 00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:13,171 but I've become inebriated. 183 00:06:13,173 --> 00:06:14,506 I don't know if you can appreciate 184 00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:16,975 what it means to grow up without a father, but -- 185 00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:18,477 the guest list at this wedding 186 00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:21,380 includes 17 of the federation's most wanted. 187 00:06:21,382 --> 00:06:23,382 We have committed numerous atrocities 188 00:06:23,384 --> 00:06:25,050 in the name of freedom. 189 00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:26,418 Annnd during that time, 190 00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:28,153 I don't suppose he ever mentioned his daughter. 191 00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:29,654 Are those baby quiches? 192 00:06:29,656 --> 00:06:30,889 Night crawler pate. 193 00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:33,158 I should prepare for the ceremony. 194 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,193 Like talking to a brick wall. 195 00:06:35,195 --> 00:06:36,595 [ Squawking ] 196 00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:38,663 In the name of the squanch, the six rivers, 197 00:06:38,665 --> 00:06:40,665 the four squanches, and the nine balls, 198 00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:44,870 I unite these two organisms in eternal squanch! 199 00:06:44,872 --> 00:06:46,938 Tammy, you may squanch your vows now. 200 00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:49,674 Birdperson... [ Inhales sharply ] 201 00:06:49,676 --> 00:06:53,879 You are my seed, my worm, my earliness, 202 00:06:53,881 --> 00:06:55,414 and my lack of cats. 203 00:06:55,416 --> 00:06:58,116 I promise to be yours until your death. 204 00:06:58,118 --> 00:06:59,251 Nice! All: Aww! 205 00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:00,685 Birdperson. 206 00:07:00,687 --> 00:07:03,555 Tammy, I was approaching infertility when I met you, 207 00:07:03,557 --> 00:07:05,357 but there is still time. 208 00:07:05,359 --> 00:07:07,092 I am yours until my death. 209 00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:08,527 All: Aww! 210 00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:09,928 [ Burping ] Aww. 211 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:13,532 I now pronounce you squanch and birdperson! 212 00:07:13,534 --> 00:07:15,867 [ Cheers and applause and profane kissing ] 213 00:07:20,373 --> 00:07:23,542 ♪ Girl, you got it going on 214 00:07:24,544 --> 00:07:26,745 [ children laughing ] 215 00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:29,114 [ Monotone ] I am not staring at you. 216 00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:32,317 I am a cyborg photographer. Just act natural. 217 00:07:32,319 --> 00:07:33,919 This is a candid shot. 218 00:07:33,921 --> 00:07:36,254 I don't require a camera so -- 219 00:07:36,256 --> 00:07:37,889 sorry. 220 00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:40,125 Hi. I am not staring at you. 221 00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:43,061 [ Screams ] 222 00:07:44,597 --> 00:07:45,964 [ Clinking ] 223 00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:47,566 Uh, hi, everybody. 224 00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:49,067 I'm ri[Burps]ck. 225 00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:54,072 You know, when I first met birdperson, he was, uhh... 226 00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:56,074 Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the Universe 227 00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:57,242 because I'm the smartest. 228 00:07:57,244 --> 00:07:59,144 And being nice is something stupid people do 229 00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:00,579 to hedge their bets. 230 00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:01,780 Now, I haven't been exactly subtle 231 00:08:01,782 --> 00:08:03,415 about how little I trust marriage. 232 00:08:03,417 --> 00:08:04,749 I couldn't make it work, 233 00:08:04,751 --> 00:08:06,184 and I could turn a black hole into a sun, 234 00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:08,620 so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself 235 00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:10,121 what are the odds this is legit 236 00:08:10,123 --> 00:08:12,023 and not just some big lie we're all telling ourselves 237 00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:13,758 because we're afraid to die alone? 238 00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:16,461 Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. 239 00:08:16,463 --> 00:08:17,496 Oh, boy. Oh, dad. 240 00:08:17,498 --> 00:08:18,630 Jesus. 241 00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:20,665 But -- but... Here's the thing. 242 00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:22,434 Birdperson is my best friend, 243 00:08:22,436 --> 00:08:25,604 and if he loves Tammy, well, then I love Tammy, too. 244 00:08:25,606 --> 00:08:28,273 [ Cheers and applause ] 245 00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:31,843 To friendship, to love, and to my greatest adventure yet -- 246 00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:34,346 opening myself up to others. 247 00:08:34,348 --> 00:08:35,947 Summer: Hear, hear! Cheers! 248 00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:38,116 Cheers to that, mother[Bleep] 249 00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:39,317 Thank you, Rick. 250 00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:40,652 That was beautiful. 251 00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:43,822 Gosh, I look around this room, and I think, 252 00:08:43,824 --> 00:08:45,957 "uh, Tammy, you're a high-school senior 253 00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:47,526 from the planet earth, and you're marrying 254 00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:50,295 a 40-year-old birdperson? Like, what?!" 255 00:08:50,297 --> 00:08:51,296 [ Laughter ] 256 00:08:51,298 --> 00:08:52,797 Yeah, Tammy! 257 00:08:52,799 --> 00:08:55,300 But then I think, you know, in a lot of ways, 258 00:08:55,302 --> 00:08:58,303 I'm not a high-school senior from the planet earth. 259 00:08:58,305 --> 00:09:00,372 In a lot of ways, what I really am 260 00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:03,642 is a deep-cover agent for the galactic federation, 261 00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:05,410 and you guys are a group of wanted criminals, 262 00:09:05,412 --> 00:09:08,880 and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded. 263 00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:10,482 [ All murmur ] Oh, shit. 264 00:09:10,484 --> 00:09:11,550 I...Don't get the metaphor. 265 00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:12,918 I'll explain it to you later. 266 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,686 Everyone here is under arrest 267 00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:16,388 for crimes against the federation. 268 00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:17,489 L'Chaim! 269 00:09:17,491 --> 00:09:18,823 Tammy, what are you doing? 270 00:09:18,825 --> 00:09:21,026 Sit your bird ass down. 271 00:09:21,028 --> 00:09:21,993 Tammy? 272 00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:24,663 [ Cawing weakly ] 273 00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:26,031 Birdperson!! 274 00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:27,499 No!! 275 00:09:27,501 --> 00:09:28,900 [ Screaming ] 276 00:09:31,537 --> 00:09:32,737 Holy -- 277 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,681 [ beep ] Drop the portal gun. 278 00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:44,983 Slide it to the center of the room. 279 00:09:46,686 --> 00:09:47,953 [ Beeping ] 280 00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:50,255 Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. 281 00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:51,222 They'll want it at -- 282 00:09:51,224 --> 00:09:52,857 [ whooshing ] 283 00:09:52,859 --> 00:09:55,760 [ High-pitched ringing and muffled background ] 284 00:10:12,211 --> 00:10:13,912 [ Sighs, roars ] 285 00:10:13,914 --> 00:10:15,480 There's no time to squanch! 286 00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:17,315 Get your family out of here! 287 00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:18,617 I got this. 288 00:10:20,086 --> 00:10:22,053 [ Gulps ] 289 00:10:22,055 --> 00:10:24,222 [ Roaring ] 290 00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:27,092 [ Deep voice ] How about a taste of my squanch?! 291 00:10:27,094 --> 00:10:28,627 [ Growling ] 292 00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:32,230 Come on, this way! 293 00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:33,965 Squanch this! 294 00:10:37,503 --> 00:10:39,204 [ Engine turns over ] 295 00:10:41,974 --> 00:10:44,075 Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. 296 00:10:44,077 --> 00:10:46,578 That's a confetti gun, you [Bleep] idiot! 297 00:10:46,580 --> 00:10:48,146 Beth: Dad! Hold on tight! 298 00:10:50,683 --> 00:10:52,250 Aaah!! 299 00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:57,622 Aaaah!! 300 00:10:57,624 --> 00:10:59,758 [ Sirens wailing ] 301 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:01,660 God damn it! God damn it!! 302 00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:09,334 What the hell happened back there?! 303 00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:12,704 This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid. 304 00:11:15,174 --> 00:11:18,376 Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us 305 00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:19,944 about your relationship 306 00:11:19,946 --> 00:11:22,947 with this previously unknown galactic government? 307 00:11:22,949 --> 00:11:25,116 All the important points seem pretty clear, no? 308 00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:27,385 They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. 309 00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:29,387 Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. 310 00:11:29,389 --> 00:11:31,356 How could you be so dishonest with this family? 311 00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:33,792 Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting 312 00:11:33,794 --> 00:11:35,126 and loving like, oh, I don't know, 313 00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:37,962 my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, 314 00:11:37,964 --> 00:11:40,565 who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? 315 00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:41,800 Hey, Tammy was cool! 316 00:11:41,802 --> 00:11:43,802 And now we know why. Because of you! 317 00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:45,870 [Bleep] You, Summer, and [Bleep] the government, 318 00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:47,739 and [Bleep] me for letting my guard down, 319 00:11:47,741 --> 00:11:49,407 which I will never do again. 320 00:11:49,409 --> 00:11:50,842 Geez, Rick! 321 00:11:50,844 --> 00:11:53,311 You can't say f-- "'f' you" to your granddaughter. 322 00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:56,047 I just did, Morty. Here's dessert. [Bleep] You. 323 00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,816 Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. 324 00:11:57,818 --> 00:11:59,651 Actually, the wedding was beautiful. 325 00:11:59,653 --> 00:12:00,852 The reception got out of hand. 326 00:12:00,854 --> 00:12:03,088 Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, 327 00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:04,989 and have a family meeting in the morning. 328 00:12:04,991 --> 00:12:07,258 Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. 329 00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:08,426 All: What?! 330 00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:09,994 Oh, these guys are looking for us now. 331 00:12:09,996 --> 00:12:11,496 Earth will be swarming with them. 332 00:12:11,498 --> 00:12:12,564 Us?! 333 00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:13,998 Jerry -- I want to go home! 334 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,667 Look, anyone that wants to go back to earth 335 00:12:15,669 --> 00:12:16,835 is free to go back to earth. 336 00:12:16,837 --> 00:12:18,036 But here's what's gonna happen. 337 00:12:18,038 --> 00:12:19,404 Aliens bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. 338 00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:21,339 They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent 339 00:12:21,341 --> 00:12:24,042 of [Burps] jumper cables under your nuts and or labia 340 00:12:24,044 --> 00:12:25,877 and hook them up to an alien car battery 341 00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:27,278 until you tell them where I am -- 342 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:29,180 which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, 343 00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:31,182 which I guarantee they won't believe. 344 00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:33,118 So who's homesick? By applause. 345 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:35,520 [ Sobbing ] Ladies? Anybody? 346 00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:36,855 What are we going to do? 347 00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:38,189 Where are we going to live? 348 00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:40,592 Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. 349 00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,060 [Bleep] Earth. 350 00:12:42,062 --> 00:12:44,028 You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? 351 00:12:44,030 --> 00:12:45,363 We'll find a new world. 352 00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:46,965 Computer, how many planets in the milky way 353 00:12:46,967 --> 00:12:48,933 are at least 90% similar to earth? 354 00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:52,303 [ Beeping ] Woman: 765 known planets. 355 00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:54,973 How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? 356 00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:57,142 [ Beeping ] Three. 357 00:12:57,144 --> 00:12:59,310 See? Our cup runneth over. 358 00:12:59,312 --> 00:13:00,812 Now, who wants to go shopping 359 00:13:00,814 --> 00:13:03,214 for a brand-new mother[Bleep] world?! 360 00:13:03,216 --> 00:13:04,382 All right! 361 00:13:04,384 --> 00:13:06,084 Look at this baby! 362 00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:07,886 Would you even know that wasn't earth? 363 00:13:07,888 --> 00:13:09,788 Morty: Yes, because there's no Africa. 364 00:13:09,790 --> 00:13:11,890 Pssh. White-people problems, Morty. 365 00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:14,092 Let's go down and check her out. 366 00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:16,060 [ Thud, water splashing ] 367 00:13:16,062 --> 00:13:17,896 Oh. I thought it was further away. 368 00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:20,465 I uh...I guess this one's a little small. 369 00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:21,933 All right, uh, maybe -- 370 00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:24,035 maybe we should go check out the other two, huh? 371 00:13:28,507 --> 00:13:30,308 Okay, this one's bigger. 372 00:13:32,778 --> 00:13:34,412 This looks nice. 373 00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:35,680 Mom, dad, look! 374 00:13:35,682 --> 00:13:37,448 Strawberries on a cob! 375 00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:38,683 [ Munching ] 376 00:13:38,685 --> 00:13:40,618 Whoa! Hey, check this out! 377 00:13:40,620 --> 00:13:42,587 Flowers on a cob! [ Laughs ] 378 00:13:42,589 --> 00:13:45,757 Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? 379 00:13:45,759 --> 00:13:47,025 That's pretty cool. 380 00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:49,694 Are those... Mountains on a cob? 381 00:13:49,696 --> 00:13:51,162 [ Birds cawing ] 382 00:13:52,631 --> 00:13:54,265 Rick: Oh, my God. 383 00:13:58,771 --> 00:14:00,171 Get in the ship, sweetie. What? 384 00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:01,673 Get in the god[Bleep] ship!! 385 00:14:01,675 --> 00:14:03,107 Everything's on a cob!! 386 00:14:03,109 --> 00:14:05,476 The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!! 387 00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:07,278 [ Engine turns over ] 388 00:14:08,214 --> 00:14:10,782 [ Burps ] All right, third time's the charm. 389 00:14:10,784 --> 00:14:12,083 See what we got here. 390 00:14:15,321 --> 00:14:16,688 Seems good. 391 00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:18,156 And nothing on the cob. 392 00:14:18,158 --> 00:14:19,991 Didn't know that was a necessity, but... 393 00:14:19,993 --> 00:14:22,160 No, it's nice. I think this might be it. 394 00:14:22,162 --> 00:14:23,995 Wow! Hey, look, you guys. 395 00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:25,663 The sun's rising. 396 00:14:25,665 --> 00:14:28,566 Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!! 397 00:14:30,636 --> 00:14:33,638 Uh, dad, how long are the days on this planet? 398 00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:35,974 Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 399 00:14:35,976 --> 00:14:37,342 [ Screaming continues ] 400 00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:39,077 42 hours. 401 00:14:39,079 --> 00:14:41,479 All right, well, those are the two choices, 402 00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:43,581 'cause cob planet is off the table. 403 00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:44,883 Now let's take a vote. 404 00:14:44,885 --> 00:14:46,251 Man: Well, it's official. 405 00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:48,386 The obscure planet known as earth, 406 00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:51,556 formerly the hiding place of interstellar terrorist 407 00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:53,157 and fugitive Rick Sanchez, 408 00:14:53,159 --> 00:14:56,494 has just become the 6,048th planet 409 00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:58,263 to join the galactic federation. 410 00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:00,198 The plucky little ball of water and dirt, 411 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:01,933 which is where it gets its name, 412 00:15:01,935 --> 00:15:05,503 is dominated by seven billion primate-descended natives 413 00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:09,607 who love to eat spaghetti and pray to kangaroos. 414 00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:11,609 Spaghetti, kangaroos? 415 00:15:11,611 --> 00:15:13,444 I've got to check this place out. 416 00:15:13,446 --> 00:15:14,579 [ Both laugh ] 417 00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:16,014 Well, you can. 418 00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:17,849 Contact the ministry of tourism for details. 419 00:15:17,851 --> 00:15:19,918 Up next, teenagers are calling it 420 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:22,020 [ growls and squeals] 421 00:15:22,022 --> 00:15:24,188 And it's not what you think. 422 00:15:24,190 --> 00:15:25,790 What are you -- what did you do that for? 423 00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:26,925 Dramatic effect. 424 00:15:26,927 --> 00:15:28,192 Good morning, family. 425 00:15:28,194 --> 00:15:29,527 Oh, do I smell bacon? 426 00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:31,796 Yes, we discovered a species of tiny pig 427 00:15:31,798 --> 00:15:33,264 off the coast of new Australia 428 00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:35,700 about 30 yards east. Or 300 yards west. 429 00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:37,101 We'd offer you some, 430 00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:39,537 but we hunted it to extinction for breakfast. 431 00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:41,739 Well, I thought I'd walk to the South pole 432 00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:43,207 and do a little bit of exploring. 433 00:15:43,209 --> 00:15:44,709 If you guys need me, just yell 434 00:15:44,711 --> 00:15:45,910 or throw something so hard 435 00:15:45,912 --> 00:15:47,412 that it goes around the world and hits me. 436 00:15:47,414 --> 00:15:49,314 [ Door shuts ] Okay, now that he's gone, 437 00:15:49,316 --> 00:15:51,749 can we please talk about our situation? 438 00:15:51,751 --> 00:15:54,052 Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. 439 00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:55,320 You know, it's a small world. 440 00:15:55,322 --> 00:15:57,055 Please, he's in the South pole! 441 00:15:57,057 --> 00:15:59,557 And we need to have a serious conversation. 442 00:15:59,559 --> 00:16:02,660 [ Insects chirping ] 443 00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:07,332 [ Thunder rumbles ] 444 00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:10,034 [ Wind howling ] 445 00:16:11,737 --> 00:16:13,805 South pole discovered, baby! 446 00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:15,673 Ohhhh! 447 00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:17,642 Oh [Bleep] an ice cave? 448 00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:18,910 [Bleep] 449 00:16:18,912 --> 00:16:21,446 Things just keep on getting better. 450 00:16:21,448 --> 00:16:23,982 Wow, it's the planet's core. 451 00:16:23,984 --> 00:16:25,416 I'm just saying, 452 00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:27,785 we keep acting like there's only two options, 453 00:16:27,787 --> 00:16:29,120 but there's not. 454 00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:30,922 So, yes, if we went back to earth, 455 00:16:30,924 --> 00:16:32,090 as long as Rick was out there, 456 00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:33,491 they'd want to interrogate us. 457 00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,660 But, and this is purely hypothetical, 458 00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:38,096 what if we turned your father in to the government? 459 00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:39,464 Jerry, so help me God, 460 00:16:39,466 --> 00:16:41,499 if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon. 461 00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,501 There already is no more bacon! 462 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:44,602 This world sucks! 463 00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:45,603 Our life sucks! 464 00:16:45,605 --> 00:16:47,472 Why are we doing this for someone 465 00:16:47,474 --> 00:16:51,175 that would never do anything for anyone but himself? 466 00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:52,844 Morty: That's not the point, dad! 467 00:16:52,846 --> 00:16:55,680 We love Rick... F-for the most part. 468 00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:58,016 Summer: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, 469 00:16:58,018 --> 00:17:00,151 dad, you love them unconditionally. 470 00:17:00,153 --> 00:17:02,220 That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. 471 00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:03,955 Okay, so let me get this straight. 472 00:17:03,957 --> 00:17:05,189 For the rest of your lives, 473 00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:06,691 no matter how much it hurts you, 474 00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,893 no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, 475 00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:11,896 we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? 476 00:17:11,898 --> 00:17:13,564 All: Yes. Why?! 477 00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:16,634 Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!! 478 00:17:25,811 --> 00:17:28,479 Hey. Uh... 479 00:17:28,481 --> 00:17:30,548 I was gonna hope over to the gloppydrop system, 480 00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:31,482 get some ice cream. 481 00:17:31,484 --> 00:17:33,051 You -- you want me to come with? 482 00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:34,886 I mean, don't you need my brain waves 483 00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:36,487 for camouflage or something? 484 00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:37,822 I'll be okay. 485 00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:38,890 Bye, Morty. 486 00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:40,091 Rick? 487 00:17:40,093 --> 00:17:41,926 You're not leaving, right? 488 00:17:41,928 --> 00:17:43,728 Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. 489 00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:45,163 So, you're coming back? 490 00:17:45,165 --> 00:17:47,765 Morty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream 491 00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:49,000 and then you don't come back, 492 00:17:49,002 --> 00:17:50,501 you haven't actually gotten ice cream, 493 00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:52,670 you've just gone where ice cream is. 494 00:17:52,672 --> 00:17:55,239 Rick, I can handle it if you go, 495 00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:56,707 but you'll break mom's heart. 496 00:17:56,709 --> 00:17:58,843 And I won't forgive you for that. 497 00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:00,778 Where's the van, Morty? 498 00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:04,115 It's over the horizon in the driveway. 499 00:18:09,254 --> 00:18:11,155 [ Engine turns over ] 500 00:18:15,060 --> 00:18:20,731 ♪ I hurt myself today 501 00:18:20,733 --> 00:18:22,233 [ dialing ] 502 00:18:22,235 --> 00:18:24,035 [ Woman speaking gibberish ] 503 00:18:24,037 --> 00:18:25,536 For English, press 2. 504 00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:27,371 [ Beep] Connecting to agent. 505 00:18:27,373 --> 00:18:28,973 Woman: Ongoing investigations. 506 00:18:28,975 --> 00:18:32,376 Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith, I'm from planet earth. 507 00:18:32,378 --> 00:18:34,745 I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez, 508 00:18:34,747 --> 00:18:36,080 the wanted criminal. 509 00:18:36,082 --> 00:18:37,381 Hold on! [ Ringing ] 510 00:18:37,383 --> 00:18:38,649 This is special agent gribbles. 511 00:18:38,651 --> 00:18:40,284 You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? 512 00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:42,386 Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, 513 00:18:42,388 --> 00:18:44,388 and he left us on dwarf terrace-9. 514 00:18:44,390 --> 00:18:47,225 He said he was gonna go to the plimplom tavern. 515 00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:48,826 And listen. Yes? 516 00:18:48,828 --> 00:18:50,828 I'm doing what's right for the galaxy by calling you, 517 00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:54,732 so if we come back to earth, can my family have a normal life? 518 00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:57,802 We only want Sanchez, sir. Your family will be fine. 519 00:18:57,804 --> 00:18:59,237 Nice. Thank you. 520 00:18:59,239 --> 00:19:03,407 I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty 521 00:19:03,409 --> 00:19:08,112 [bleep] And licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. 522 00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:11,249 Uh...Okay. 523 00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:18,089 ♪ What have I become 524 00:19:18,091 --> 00:19:23,294 ♪ my sweetest friend 525 00:19:23,296 --> 00:19:27,932 ♪ everyone I know 526 00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:35,139 ♪ goes away in the end 527 00:19:35,141 --> 00:19:37,975 ♪ you could have it all he's not coming back, is he? 528 00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:41,345 No. 529 00:19:41,347 --> 00:19:47,318 ♪ My empire of dirt hey, look, cops. 530 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:49,654 ♪ I will you down 531 00:19:49,656 --> 00:19:52,890 good morning. 532 00:19:52,892 --> 00:19:57,929 ♪ I will make you hurt 533 00:20:02,234 --> 00:20:04,135 how long will you be visiting earth? 534 00:20:04,137 --> 00:20:05,636 Oh, we live here. 535 00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:07,872 We were just off-planet for a wedding. 536 00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:09,440 Go that way. 537 00:20:28,026 --> 00:20:29,894 [ Tires screech, beeping ] 538 00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:32,263 I have processed that you are in in distress 539 00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:34,398 and have proscribed antidepressants. 540 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:37,168 Compliments of the galactic federation. 541 00:20:37,170 --> 00:20:38,336 I feel better. 542 00:20:38,338 --> 00:20:40,238 Your debt is 7,000 fed credits. 543 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:41,706 Report to the ministry of employment 544 00:20:41,708 --> 00:20:44,008 and you will be assigned a function. 545 00:20:44,010 --> 00:20:47,511 Honey! I got a job! 546 00:20:47,513 --> 00:20:49,847 ♪ You could have it all 547 00:20:49,849 --> 00:20:53,584 [ monotone ] Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot. 548 00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:59,624 ♪ My empire of dirt 549 00:20:59,626 --> 00:21:05,630 ♪ I will let you down 550 00:21:05,632 --> 00:21:09,700 ♪ I will make you hurt 551 00:21:14,373 --> 00:21:16,941 hey, what are you in for? 552 00:21:16,943 --> 00:21:19,310 Everything. 553 00:21:24,049 --> 00:21:26,717 ♪ 554 00:21:55,180 --> 00:21:57,248 Hoo-whee, what a cliffhanger. 555 00:21:57,250 --> 00:21:58,582 Oh, boy, oh, my! 556 00:21:58,584 --> 00:22:01,419 That's a real crazy ending, huh? 557 00:22:01,421 --> 00:22:04,588 Hi, I'm Mr. poopybutthole from episode 204. 558 00:22:04,590 --> 00:22:06,357 [ Groans ] As you can see, 559 00:22:06,359 --> 00:22:08,592 I'm still recovering from the bullet shot 560 00:22:08,594 --> 00:22:10,428 that I got from Beth. 561 00:22:10,430 --> 00:22:12,463 Remember that one? Ooh-whee! 562 00:22:12,465 --> 00:22:14,298 [ Meowing ] Come and get it, kitty. 563 00:22:14,300 --> 00:22:17,268 You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. 564 00:22:17,270 --> 00:22:18,202 [ Gulping ] 565 00:22:18,204 --> 00:22:19,770 Ooh-whee. 566 00:22:19,772 --> 00:22:22,306 Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better. 567 00:22:22,308 --> 00:22:25,009 [ Doorbell rings ] 568 00:22:25,011 --> 00:22:27,478 I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. 569 00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:29,647 Hey, what did you think of that finale, huh? 570 00:22:29,649 --> 00:22:32,516 Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? 571 00:22:32,518 --> 00:22:33,984 Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bro. 572 00:22:33,986 --> 00:22:35,453 Your total is $12.37. 573 00:22:35,455 --> 00:22:37,621 Whoo-whee! You think Rick's gonna get out off jail? 574 00:22:37,623 --> 00:22:39,357 Whoo-whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? 575 00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:40,791 Hey, what the [Bleep]?! Get the [Bleep] off me! 576 00:22:40,793 --> 00:22:43,127 [ Laughing and saying "ooh-whee!" ] 577 00:22:43,129 --> 00:22:44,462 Ow! 578 00:22:44,464 --> 00:22:45,996 Turn in to "Rick and Morty" season three in, 579 00:22:45,998 --> 00:22:47,965 like, a year and a half... 580 00:22:47,967 --> 00:22:51,802 Or longer to see how we unravel this mess. 581 00:22:51,804 --> 00:22:53,537 Ooh-whee! 581 00:22:54,305 --> 00:23:00,300 Please rate this subtitle at www.osdb.link/64dg7 Help other users to choose the best subtitles