1
00:00:02,129 --> 00:00:04,518
Do you know what this is all about?
Know why we're here?

2
00:00:04,689 --> 00:00:06,839
To be out. This is out.

3
00:00:07,009 --> 00:00:09,569
Out is one of the single most
enjoyable experiences of life.

4
00:00:11,129 --> 00:00:13,040
Know how people talk about
"We should go out"?

5
00:00:13,209 --> 00:00:15,086
This is what they're talking about.

6
00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:16,887
This whole thing. We're all out now.

7
00:00:17,049 --> 00:00:18,323
No one is home.

8
00:00:18,489 --> 00:00:20,878
Not one person here is home.
We're all out.

9
00:00:21,049 --> 00:00:24,086
There are people trying to find us.
They don't know where we are.

10
00:00:24,449 --> 00:00:26,485
" Did you re-? I can't find him.
Where did he go?

11
00:00:26,649 --> 00:00:29,925
He didn't tell me where he was going.
He must have gone out."

12
00:00:30,649 --> 00:00:33,607
You wanna go out. You get ready,
you pick out the clothes, right?

13
00:00:33,769 --> 00:00:35,521
You take the shower, get all ready...

14
00:00:35,689 --> 00:00:39,079
...get the cash, get your friends,
the car, the spot, the reservation.

15
00:00:39,249 --> 00:00:40,841
Then you stand around.
What do you do?

16
00:00:41,009 --> 00:00:42,965
You go, "We gotta be getting back."

17
00:00:43,809 --> 00:00:46,198
Once you're out,
you wanna get back.

18
00:00:46,369 --> 00:00:49,327
You wanna go to sleep, you wanna
get up, wanna go out again tomorrow.

19
00:00:49,489 --> 00:00:50,717
Wherever you are in life...

20
00:00:50,889 --> 00:00:52,720
...it's my feeling, you've gotta go.

21
00:00:58,929 --> 00:01:01,284
See, to me, that button's
in the worst possible spot.

22
00:01:01,449 --> 00:01:04,407
The second button literally
makes or breaks the shirt.

23
00:01:04,569 --> 00:01:06,161
Look at it. It's too high.

24
00:01:06,329 --> 00:01:09,048
It's in no man's land. You look like
you live with your mother.

25
00:01:09,209 --> 00:01:10,562
Are you through?

26
00:01:10,729 --> 00:01:12,481
You do, of course,
try on when you buy.

27
00:01:12,649 --> 00:01:14,367
Yes, it was purple. I liked it.

28
00:01:14,529 --> 00:01:16,599
I don't actually recall
considering the buttons.

29
00:01:16,769 --> 00:01:18,441
Oh, you don't recall.

30
00:01:19,049 --> 00:01:21,279
No, not at this time.

31
00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:24,043
Senator, I'd like to know what
you knew and when you knew it.

32
00:01:24,209 --> 00:01:26,643
Mr. Seinfeld, Mr. Costanza.

33
00:01:26,809 --> 00:01:28,037
Are you sure this is decaf?

34
00:01:28,209 --> 00:01:29,562
Where's the orange indicator?

35
00:01:29,729 --> 00:01:32,448
It's missing.
I have to do it in my head.

36
00:01:32,609 --> 00:01:34,600
Decaf left, regular right.

37
00:01:34,769 --> 00:01:37,158
Decaf left, regular right.

38
00:01:37,329 --> 00:01:39,081
It's very challenging work.

39
00:01:41,649 --> 00:01:43,367
Can you relax? It's a cup of coffee.

40
00:01:43,529 --> 00:01:45,838
- Claire's a professional waitress.
- Trust me, George.

41
00:01:46,009 --> 00:01:48,318
No one has any interest
in seeing you on caffeine.

42
00:01:50,969 --> 00:01:53,119
How come you're not doing
the second show tomorrow?

43
00:01:53,289 --> 00:01:55,644
Well, there's this woman
who might be coming in.

44
00:01:56,649 --> 00:01:57,877
Wait a second. Wait a second.

45
00:01:58,049 --> 00:01:59,687
What coming in?
What woman's coming in?

46
00:01:59,849 --> 00:02:02,238
I told you about Laura,
the girl I met in Michigan.

47
00:02:02,409 --> 00:02:04,400
- You didn't.
- I thought I told you about her.

48
00:02:04,569 --> 00:02:06,241
Yeah. She teaches political science...

49
00:02:06,409 --> 00:02:08,877
...I met her the night I did
the show in Lansing.

50
00:02:09,369 --> 00:02:11,325
- There's no milk in here.
- Wait.

51
00:02:11,489 --> 00:02:13,400
What is she-
What is she like?

52
00:02:13,569 --> 00:02:16,447
Oh, she's really great.
She's got a real warmth about her.

53
00:02:16,609 --> 00:02:19,203
And she's really bright
and really pretty.

54
00:02:19,369 --> 00:02:22,008
And the conversation,
though, I mean, it was...

55
00:02:22,169 --> 00:02:24,080
Talking with her was like
talking with you...

56
00:02:24,249 --> 00:02:26,240
...but, you know,
obviously much better.

57
00:02:27,089 --> 00:02:29,045
So, you know, what happened?

58
00:02:29,209 --> 00:02:31,279
Well, nothing happened.
But it was great.

59
00:02:31,449 --> 00:02:33,405
Nothing happened, but it was-
This is great.

60
00:02:33,569 --> 00:02:34,797
- Yeah.
- So, you know...

61
00:02:34,969 --> 00:02:36,925
...she called and said
she wants to go out?

62
00:02:37,089 --> 00:02:39,649
God bless. You devil, you.

63
00:02:39,809 --> 00:02:41,447
Yeah. Well, not exactly.

64
00:02:42,009 --> 00:02:44,284
I mean, she said-
She called this morning and said...

65
00:02:44,449 --> 00:02:47,043
...she had to come in for a seminar,
maybe we'd get together.

66
00:02:49,209 --> 00:02:50,198
" Had to"?

67
00:02:50,369 --> 00:02:52,166
- " Had to come in"?
- Yeah, but-

68
00:02:52,329 --> 00:02:53,682
- " Had to come in"?
- Yeah, but-

69
00:02:53,849 --> 00:02:55,123
"And maybe we'll get together"?

70
00:02:55,289 --> 00:02:56,722
" Had to" and "maybe"?

71
00:02:56,889 --> 00:02:58,880
- Yeah.
- No, no.

72
00:02:59,049 --> 00:03:01,199
I hate to tell you this.
You're not gonna see her.

73
00:03:01,369 --> 00:03:03,485
What? Are you serious?
Why did she call?

74
00:03:03,649 --> 00:03:05,844
What do I know?
Maybe she wanted to be polite.

75
00:03:06,009 --> 00:03:07,681
To be polite?

76
00:03:08,169 --> 00:03:09,761
- You are insane.
- All right.

77
00:03:09,929 --> 00:03:12,159
I didn't want to tell you.
Wanna know why she called?

78
00:03:12,329 --> 00:03:13,967
You're a backup.

79
00:03:14,129 --> 00:03:17,121
You're a second line,
a "just in case"...

80
00:03:17,289 --> 00:03:20,406
...a B plan, a contingency.

81
00:03:20,569 --> 00:03:22,480
Oh, I get it. This is about the button.

82
00:03:23,489 --> 00:03:25,923
Claire. Claire, you're a woman, right?

83
00:03:26,089 --> 00:03:28,159
What gave it away, George?

84
00:03:28,329 --> 00:03:29,842
I'd like to ask you-

85
00:03:30,009 --> 00:03:32,762
Ask you to analyze a hypothetical
phone call, you know...

86
00:03:32,929 --> 00:03:34,885
- ... from a female point of view.
- Oh, come on.

87
00:03:35,049 --> 00:03:37,483
What are you asking her?
Now, how's she gonna know?

88
00:03:38,129 --> 00:03:40,279
Now, a woman calls me, right?

89
00:03:40,449 --> 00:03:42,917
She says she has to...

90
00:03:43,529 --> 00:03:45,759
- ... come to New York on business-
- You're beautiful.

91
00:03:45,929 --> 00:03:47,408
And maybe...

92
00:03:47,569 --> 00:03:49,082
...she'll see me when she gets in.

93
00:03:49,249 --> 00:03:51,285
Does this woman intend
to spend time with me?

94
00:03:51,729 --> 00:03:53,685
I'd have to say no.

95
00:03:57,369 --> 00:03:58,848
So why did she call?

96
00:03:59,009 --> 00:04:00,761
- Be polite.
- To be polite.

97
00:04:00,929 --> 00:04:03,238
- I rest my case.
- Good, good. Did you have fun?

98
00:04:03,409 --> 00:04:05,843
You have no idea what you're
talking about. Come with me.

99
00:04:06,009 --> 00:04:07,761
I gotta go get my stuff
out of the dryer.

100
00:04:07,929 --> 00:04:11,285
- I'm not gonna watch you do laundry.
- Oh, come on. Be a "come-with" guy.

101
00:04:11,449 --> 00:04:12,723
Come on. I'm tired.

102
00:04:12,889 --> 00:04:15,278
Don't worry.
I gave him a little caffeine.

103
00:04:15,449 --> 00:04:18,566
- He'll perk up.
- Right. I knew I felt something.

104
00:04:22,609 --> 00:04:25,487
Jerry, I have to tell you something.

105
00:04:27,009 --> 00:04:30,001
This is the dullest moment
I've ever experienced.

106
00:04:34,329 --> 00:04:36,206
Oh, look at this guy.

107
00:04:36,569 --> 00:04:39,163
Look, he's got everything.
He's got detergents, sprays...

108
00:04:39,329 --> 00:04:42,799
...fabric softener.
This is not his first load.

109
00:04:44,169 --> 00:04:46,524
I need a break, Jerry.
I gotta get out of the city.

110
00:04:46,689 --> 00:04:49,920
- I feel so cramped-
- You didn't hear how she sounded.

111
00:04:50,089 --> 00:04:51,807
- What?
- Laura.

112
00:04:51,969 --> 00:04:55,325
I can't believe-
We already discussed this.

113
00:04:55,489 --> 00:04:56,968
Yeah, but how could you
be so sure?

114
00:04:57,129 --> 00:05:01,042
Because it's signals, Jerry.
It's signals. Don't you-?

115
00:05:03,129 --> 00:05:06,485
All right. Did she even ask you what
you were doing tomorrow night...

116
00:05:06,649 --> 00:05:08,002
- ... if you were busy?
- No.

117
00:05:08,169 --> 00:05:11,047
She calls you today,
she doesn't make a plan for tomorrow?

118
00:05:11,209 --> 00:05:13,040
- What is that? It's Saturday night.
- Yeah.

119
00:05:13,209 --> 00:05:15,518
What is that? It's ridiculous.

120
00:05:15,689 --> 00:05:17,725
You don't even know
what hotel she's staying at.

121
00:05:17,889 --> 00:05:20,198
You can't call her.
That's a signal, Jerry.

122
00:05:20,369 --> 00:05:22,644
That's a signal. Signal.

123
00:05:25,449 --> 00:05:27,087
- Maybe you're right.
- Maybe I'm right?

124
00:05:27,249 --> 00:05:29,046
Of course I'm right.

125
00:05:30,089 --> 00:05:31,283
This is insane.

126
00:05:31,449 --> 00:05:33,644
You know, I don't even know
where she's staying.

127
00:05:33,809 --> 00:05:35,003
She's not gonna call me.

128
00:05:35,169 --> 00:05:38,241
- This is unbelievable.
- I know, I know. It's tough.

129
00:05:38,809 --> 00:05:40,800
Listen, your stuff
has to be done by now.

130
00:05:40,969 --> 00:05:42,482
Why don't you just see if it's dry.

131
00:05:42,649 --> 00:05:45,527
No, no, no.
Don't interrupt the cycle.

132
00:05:45,689 --> 00:05:48,920
The machine is working. It knows
what it's doing. Just let it finish.

133
00:05:49,089 --> 00:05:51,922
- You're gonna overdry it.
- You can't overdry.

134
00:05:52,089 --> 00:05:54,364
- Why not?
- Same reason you can't overwet.

135
00:05:55,169 --> 00:05:57,637
You see, once something
is wet, it's wet.

136
00:05:58,529 --> 00:05:59,757
Same thing with death.

137
00:05:59,929 --> 00:06:02,124
Like, once you die,
you're dead. Right?

138
00:06:02,289 --> 00:06:04,519
Let's say you drop dead
and I shoot you.

139
00:06:04,689 --> 00:06:07,044
You're not gonna die again.
You're already dead.

140
00:06:07,209 --> 00:06:09,769
You can't "overdie," you can't overdry.

141
00:06:12,369 --> 00:06:14,246
Any questions?

142
00:06:18,329 --> 00:06:21,048
How could she not tell me
where she was staying?

143
00:06:25,889 --> 00:06:28,881
Look at that. They're done.
Look at that.

144
00:06:30,409 --> 00:06:33,560
Laundry day is the only
exciting day...

145
00:06:33,729 --> 00:06:35,128
...in the life of clothes.

146
00:06:35,289 --> 00:06:37,598
It is. No, think about it.
The washing machine...

147
00:06:37,769 --> 00:06:40,329
...is the nightclub of clothes.

148
00:06:40,489 --> 00:06:42,559
You know, it's dark,
there's bubbles happening...

149
00:06:42,729 --> 00:06:44,924
...they're all kind of
dancing around in there.

150
00:06:45,089 --> 00:06:48,001
A shirt grabs the underwear.
" Come on, babe. Let's go."

151
00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:51,398
You come by, open up the lid
and they all...

152
00:06:54,009 --> 00:06:56,398
Socks are the most
amazing article of clothing.

153
00:06:56,569 --> 00:06:58,719
They hate their lives.
They're with stinky feet...

154
00:06:58,889 --> 00:07:00,527
...the boring drawers.

155
00:07:00,769 --> 00:07:03,886
The dryer is their only chance
to escape and they all know it.

156
00:07:04,889 --> 00:07:07,449
They do escape from the dryer.
They plan it in the hamper...

157
00:07:07,609 --> 00:07:10,362
...the night before.
"Tomorrow, the dryer, I'm going.

158
00:07:12,249 --> 00:07:14,046
You wait here."

159
00:07:14,209 --> 00:07:18,168
The dryer door swings open, the sock
is waiting up against the side wall.

160
00:07:20,889 --> 00:07:23,801
He hopes you don't see him,
then he goes down the road.

161
00:07:24,889 --> 00:07:28,040
They get buttons sewn on their face,
join a puppet show.

162
00:07:29,649 --> 00:07:31,287
So they're showing me
on television...

163
00:07:31,449 --> 00:07:34,009
...the detergents
getting out bloodstains.

164
00:07:34,689 --> 00:07:37,840
Is this a violent image to anybody?
Bloodstains?

165
00:07:38,009 --> 00:07:40,569
Come on. You got a T-shirt
with bloodstains all over it...

166
00:07:40,729 --> 00:07:43,766
...maybe laundry isn't your
biggest problem right now.

167
00:07:45,689 --> 00:07:49,045
Maybe you ought to get the harpoon
out of your chest first.

168
00:08:11,529 --> 00:08:15,124
If you know what happened in the Met
game, don't tell me. I taped it. Hello.

169
00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:18,643
Yeah. No, I'm sorry.
You have the wrong number.

170
00:08:19,409 --> 00:08:21,047
Yeah. No-

171
00:08:21,769 --> 00:08:23,088
- Yeah.
- You up?

172
00:08:23,249 --> 00:08:24,523
Yeah.

173
00:08:24,969 --> 00:08:26,527
People do move.

174
00:08:26,689 --> 00:08:29,681
Have you ever seen the big trucks
out on the street?

175
00:08:30,129 --> 00:08:31,323
Yeah, no problem.

176
00:08:31,489 --> 00:08:35,801
- Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh?
- Oh, what are you doing?

177
00:08:35,969 --> 00:08:38,802
Kessler, it's a tape.
I taped the game.

178
00:08:38,969 --> 00:08:41,164
It's 1:00 in the morning.

179
00:08:41,329 --> 00:08:44,719
I avoided human contact
all night to watch this.

180
00:08:44,889 --> 00:08:48,040
Hey, I'm sorry.
You know, I thought you knew.

181
00:08:50,049 --> 00:08:51,767
You got any meat?

182
00:08:52,689 --> 00:08:54,361
Meat?

183
00:08:55,569 --> 00:08:58,163
I don't know. Go hunt.

184
00:09:03,969 --> 00:09:06,403
Well, what happened in the game,
anyway?

185
00:09:06,809 --> 00:09:08,037
What happened?

186
00:09:08,209 --> 00:09:10,120
Well, they stunk!
That's what happened.

187
00:09:15,209 --> 00:09:17,723
You know I almost wound up
going to that game?

188
00:09:17,889 --> 00:09:21,438
You almost went to the game. You
haven't left the building in 10 years.

189
00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:23,442
Yeah.

190
00:09:57,049 --> 00:09:59,040
- You done with this?
- No.

191
00:10:09,969 --> 00:10:11,925
- When you're done, let me know.
- Yeah, yeah.

192
00:10:12,089 --> 00:10:14,000
You can have it tomorrow.

193
00:10:14,889 --> 00:10:17,847
I thought I wasn't allowed
to be in here this weekend.

194
00:10:18,609 --> 00:10:21,328
No, it's okay now.
That girl's not coming.

195
00:10:21,489 --> 00:10:23,445
I misread the whole thing.

196
00:10:24,849 --> 00:10:26,487
You want me to talk to her?

197
00:10:29,689 --> 00:10:31,441
I don't think so.

198
00:10:31,609 --> 00:10:34,203
No, I can be very persuasive.

199
00:10:34,369 --> 00:10:37,202
You know that I was
almost a lawyer?

200
00:10:37,689 --> 00:10:39,361
That close, huh?

201
00:10:39,529 --> 00:10:41,485
You better believe it.

202
00:10:45,329 --> 00:10:46,523
Hello.

203
00:10:46,689 --> 00:10:48,042
Oh, hi, Laura.

204
00:10:48,209 --> 00:10:51,007
- Oh, give me it. Let me talk.
- No. What's up?

205
00:10:51,169 --> 00:10:54,081
- Well, let me talk to her.
- I'm always up at this hour.

206
00:10:54,249 --> 00:10:56,558
How are you? Great.

207
00:10:57,729 --> 00:10:59,082
Sure.

208
00:10:59,249 --> 00:11:01,205
What time does the plane get in?

209
00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:04,281
- I'll get my friend George to take me.
- Now slide!

210
00:11:04,449 --> 00:11:06,917
Out. Do you believe that?

211
00:11:07,089 --> 00:11:09,000
It's just my neighbor.

212
00:11:10,689 --> 00:11:12,247
Yeah, I got it. 10: 15.

213
00:11:12,689 --> 00:11:14,919
No, don't be silly.
Go ahead and ask.

214
00:11:16,089 --> 00:11:18,000
Yeah, sure.

215
00:11:19,009 --> 00:11:22,081
Okay, great. No, no.
It's no trouble at all.

216
00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:24,046
I'll see you tomorrow.

217
00:11:24,489 --> 00:11:26,081
Great. Bye.

218
00:11:26,249 --> 00:11:28,126
I don't believe it.

219
00:11:28,289 --> 00:11:31,281
That was her.
She wants to stay here.

220
00:11:41,889 --> 00:11:43,925
If my father moved this,
he'd have a cigarette...

221
00:11:44,089 --> 00:11:46,478
...in his mouth the whole way.
" Have you got your end?

222
00:11:46,649 --> 00:11:49,209
Your end's got to come down first.
Easy, now. Drop it down.

223
00:11:49,369 --> 00:11:51,599
Drop it down.
Your end's gotta come down."

224
00:11:51,769 --> 00:11:54,329
You know, I can't believe you're
bringing in an extra bed...

225
00:11:54,489 --> 00:11:56,366
...for a woman that wants
to sleep with you.

226
00:11:56,529 --> 00:11:58,759
Why don't you bring in
an extra guy too.

227
00:12:00,449 --> 00:12:02,041
Look, it's a very awkward situation.

228
00:12:02,209 --> 00:12:04,086
- I don't wanna be presumptuous.
- All right.

229
00:12:04,249 --> 00:12:05,921
One more time. One more time.

230
00:12:06,089 --> 00:12:09,798
What was the exact phrasing
of the request?

231
00:12:10,369 --> 00:12:13,202
All right. She said she couldn't
find a decent hotel room.

232
00:12:13,369 --> 00:12:15,803
- A decent hotel room.
- Yeah, a decent hotel room.

233
00:12:15,969 --> 00:12:18,722
Would it be terribly inconvenient
if she stayed at my place?

234
00:12:19,609 --> 00:12:21,201
You can't be serious.

235
00:12:21,369 --> 00:12:25,840
This is New York City. There must
be 11 million decent hotel rooms.

236
00:12:26,009 --> 00:12:27,806
What do you need, a flag?

237
00:12:27,969 --> 00:12:29,527
This is the signal, Jerry.

238
00:12:29,689 --> 00:12:32,726
- This is the signal.
- This is the signal.

239
00:12:32,889 --> 00:12:34,959
Thank you, Mr. Signal.
Where were you yesterday?

240
00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:37,006
I think I was affected
by the caffeine.

241
00:12:38,489 --> 00:12:40,844
Good dog. Good dog. All right.

242
00:12:41,649 --> 00:12:43,446
Hey, he really likes you, George.

243
00:12:43,609 --> 00:12:45,327
Well, that's flattering.

244
00:12:47,289 --> 00:12:49,086
He's getting a drink of water.

245
00:12:53,009 --> 00:12:55,762
- Is this for that girl?
- Yeah.

246
00:12:55,929 --> 00:12:59,160
- Why even give her an option?
- This is a person I like.

247
00:12:59,329 --> 00:13:01,604
It's not how to score
on spring break.

248
00:13:01,769 --> 00:13:04,283
Can we go? I'm double-parked.
I'm gonna get a ticket.

249
00:13:04,449 --> 00:13:07,407
Yeah, okay. Wait a second.
I forgot to clean the bathroom.

250
00:13:07,569 --> 00:13:08,797
So what? That's good.

251
00:13:08,969 --> 00:13:11,767
- How could that be good?
- Because filth is good.

252
00:13:11,929 --> 00:13:14,363
What do you think, rock stars
have sponges and ammonia...

253
00:13:14,529 --> 00:13:15,757
...lying around the bathroom?

254
00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:18,443
You think they have a woman
coming over, " I gotta tidy up"?

255
00:13:18,609 --> 00:13:20,918
In these matters, you never do
what instincts tell you.

256
00:13:21,089 --> 00:13:22,761
Always, always do the opposite.

257
00:13:22,929 --> 00:13:24,965
- This is how you operate?
- Yeah, I wish.

258
00:13:25,809 --> 00:13:30,166
- Let me just wipe the sink.
- Why even give her an option for?

259
00:13:31,209 --> 00:13:33,200
- It's unbelievable.
- Yeah.

260
00:13:36,769 --> 00:13:39,408
How's the real estate business?

261
00:13:41,329 --> 00:13:44,321
It's not bad. It's coming along.

262
00:13:45,529 --> 00:13:47,599
Why, did you need something?

263
00:13:48,089 --> 00:13:50,125
You handle any of that commercial...

264
00:13:50,649 --> 00:13:52,321
...real estate that...?

265
00:13:53,969 --> 00:13:55,766
Well, I might be getting into that.

266
00:13:55,929 --> 00:13:59,638
- You keep me posted.
- I'm aware of you. All right, let's go.

267
00:13:59,809 --> 00:14:02,118
Let's go. You're on-stage
in 25 minutes.

268
00:14:03,929 --> 00:14:06,921
The dating world is not a fun world.

269
00:14:08,409 --> 00:14:09,637
It's a pressure world.

270
00:14:09,809 --> 00:14:12,198
It's a world of tension,
it's a world of pain.

271
00:14:12,369 --> 00:14:15,327
If a woman comes over to my house,
I gotta get that bathroom ready...

272
00:14:15,489 --> 00:14:17,719
...because she needs things.
I don't know what.

273
00:14:17,889 --> 00:14:20,039
I know I don't have it, I know that.

274
00:14:20,209 --> 00:14:22,439
You know what they need?
Women need cotton balls.

275
00:14:22,609 --> 00:14:25,919
This is one- Always been one of
the most amazing things to me.

276
00:14:26,089 --> 00:14:28,284
I have no cotton balls.
We're all human beings.

277
00:14:28,449 --> 00:14:30,838
What is the story?
I've never had one...

278
00:14:31,009 --> 00:14:33,125
...I never bought one,
I never needed one.

279
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:35,723
I've never been in a situation
where I thought to myself:

280
00:14:35,889 --> 00:14:37,686
" I could use a cotton ball right now.

281
00:14:38,609 --> 00:14:41,442
I could certainly
get out of this mess."

282
00:14:41,609 --> 00:14:43,918
Women need them.
And they don't need one or two.

283
00:14:44,569 --> 00:14:46,480
They need thousands of them.
They need bags.

284
00:14:46,649 --> 00:14:49,686
They're like peat moss bags.
Have you ever seen these giant bags?

285
00:14:49,849 --> 00:14:51,123
They're huge...

286
00:14:51,289 --> 00:14:54,361
...and two days later, they're out.
They're gone. The bag is empty.

287
00:14:54,529 --> 00:14:57,327
Where are the cotton balls, ladies?
What are you doing with them?

288
00:14:57,489 --> 00:15:00,162
The only time I ever see them
is in the bottom of wastebaskets.

289
00:15:00,329 --> 00:15:04,038
Two or three look like they've been
through some horrible experience.

290
00:15:05,449 --> 00:15:08,407
Tortured, interrogated,
I don't know what happened to them.

291
00:15:08,569 --> 00:15:12,244
I once went out with a girl, she left
a little bag of cotton balls at my house.

292
00:15:12,409 --> 00:15:15,879
I didn't know what to do. I put them
on the floor like little tumbleweeds.

293
00:15:16,409 --> 00:15:17,967
I thought cockroaches
would see it...

294
00:15:18,129 --> 00:15:20,199
...figure, "This is a dead town.
Let's move on."

295
00:15:21,209 --> 00:15:22,927
The dating world
is a world of pressure.

296
00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:26,968
Let's face it, a date is a job interview
that lasts all night.

297
00:15:27,129 --> 00:15:29,359
The difference between
a date and job interview is...

298
00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:33,204
...not many interviews is there a
chance you'll end up naked at the end.

299
00:15:33,689 --> 00:15:36,522
You know, " Bill, the boss thinks
you're the man for the position...

300
00:15:36,689 --> 00:15:39,567
...strip down and meet the people
you'll be working with."

301
00:15:43,529 --> 00:15:46,919
Wouldn't it be great if you could ask
a woman what she's thinking?

302
00:15:47,089 --> 00:15:50,365
What a world it would be if you could
just ask a woman what she's thinking.

303
00:15:50,529 --> 00:15:53,521
You know, instead I'm like a detective.
I gotta pick up clues.

304
00:15:53,689 --> 00:15:55,725
The whole thing's
a murder investigation.

305
00:15:56,129 --> 00:15:58,962
Listen, don't get worked up.
You're gonna know the whole story...

306
00:15:59,129 --> 00:16:01,006
- ... the minute she steps off.
- Really, how?

307
00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:02,807
It's all in the greeting. All right.

308
00:16:02,969 --> 00:16:05,847
If she puts the bags down before
she greets you, that's a good sign.

309
00:16:06,009 --> 00:16:08,648
- Anything in the lip area is good.
- Lip area.

310
00:16:08,809 --> 00:16:11,198
- A hug, definitely good.
- Hug is definitely good.

311
00:16:11,369 --> 00:16:13,837
What if it's one of those hugs
where the shoulders touch...

312
00:16:14,009 --> 00:16:16,000
- ... the hips are eight feet apart?
- Brutal.

313
00:16:16,169 --> 00:16:18,763
- You know how they do that?
- Also, a shake is bad.

314
00:16:18,929 --> 00:16:20,920
Shake is bad. But what if
it's the two-hander?

315
00:16:21,089 --> 00:16:23,557
Hand on bottom, hand on top.
The warm look in the eyes.

316
00:16:23,729 --> 00:16:24,878
- Hand sandwich?
- Right.

317
00:16:25,049 --> 00:16:27,768
It's open to interpretation.
So much depends on the layering...

318
00:16:27,929 --> 00:16:29,681
...the quality of the wetness
in the eyes-

319
00:16:29,849 --> 00:16:32,488
- Guess who.
- Hey, hey. He-

320
00:16:32,649 --> 00:16:35,527
- Hey, hey.
- Hey, hey.

321
00:16:38,889 --> 00:16:40,720
- It's good to see you.
- Hi.

322
00:16:41,249 --> 00:16:43,240
- This is my friend George.
- Oh, hi.

323
00:16:43,409 --> 00:16:44,603
- How are you?
- This is Laura.

324
00:16:44,769 --> 00:16:47,806
- Sure, Laura, sure.
- I can't believe you're here.

325
00:16:51,249 --> 00:16:53,285
- Get the bags.
- Yeah, sure, the bags.

326
00:16:53,449 --> 00:16:55,121
- Here, Laura. I'm sorry.
- Oh, thank you.

327
00:16:55,289 --> 00:16:57,564
That was an interesting greeting.
Notice that, George?

328
00:16:57,729 --> 00:16:59,640
Yes, the surprise blindfold greeting.

329
00:16:59,809 --> 00:17:01,640
That wasn't in the manual.

330
00:17:03,409 --> 00:17:05,206
So...

331
00:17:05,369 --> 00:17:06,802
...what do you think?

332
00:17:09,209 --> 00:17:10,562
This place isn't so bad.

333
00:17:10,729 --> 00:17:13,687
Yeah, it kind of motivates me
to work on the road.

334
00:17:14,969 --> 00:17:17,244
So make yourself at home.

335
00:17:34,249 --> 00:17:37,047
So can I get you anything?

336
00:17:37,209 --> 00:17:38,847
Bread, water...

337
00:17:39,449 --> 00:17:41,201
...salad dressing?

338
00:17:41,729 --> 00:17:44,197
Actually, do you have any wine?

339
00:17:45,529 --> 00:17:47,599
Yeah, I think I do.

340
00:17:51,089 --> 00:17:52,807
Do you mind if I turn this down?

341
00:17:53,809 --> 00:17:56,528
No. Yeah, go-
Go right ahead. Yeah.

342
00:18:00,249 --> 00:18:02,160
Jerry, I was wondering...

343
00:18:02,329 --> 00:18:04,718
...would it be possible,
and if it's not, fine...

344
00:18:04,889 --> 00:18:07,198
...for me to stay here
tomorrow night too?

345
00:18:09,009 --> 00:18:11,648
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
Yeah, why don't you stay.

346
00:18:11,809 --> 00:18:13,208
Yeah.

347
00:18:14,489 --> 00:18:16,844
What is your schedule
for tomorrow?

348
00:18:17,009 --> 00:18:18,203
Are you doing anything?

349
00:18:18,369 --> 00:18:19,643
No, I'd love to do something.

350
00:18:19,809 --> 00:18:22,323
I have my seminar in the morning,
but after I'm wide open.

351
00:18:22,489 --> 00:18:24,081
Really? What would you like to do?

352
00:18:24,249 --> 00:18:25,648
Well...

353
00:18:25,809 --> 00:18:28,801
...I know this sounds touristy,
but I'd love to go on one of those...

354
00:18:28,969 --> 00:18:31,437
...five-hour boat rides
around Manhattan.

355
00:18:32,009 --> 00:18:34,239
Yeah, we could do that.

356
00:18:35,209 --> 00:18:37,598
Why not? Why not?

357
00:18:38,489 --> 00:18:40,480
I'm just- I'm really glad you're here.

358
00:18:44,689 --> 00:18:46,168
Hello.

359
00:18:47,169 --> 00:18:48,568
Yes.

360
00:18:48,729 --> 00:18:50,959
Yes, she is. Hold on.

361
00:18:51,129 --> 00:18:53,040
It's for you.

362
00:18:54,649 --> 00:18:56,162
Hello?

363
00:18:56,329 --> 00:18:57,523
Hi.

364
00:18:57,689 --> 00:19:00,567
No, no. It was great, right on time.

365
00:19:00,729 --> 00:19:03,084
No, I'm gonna stay here tomorrow.

366
00:19:03,249 --> 00:19:05,001
Yes. Yes, it's fine.

367
00:19:05,649 --> 00:19:07,924
No, we're going on a boat ride.

368
00:19:09,689 --> 00:19:11,486
Don't be silly.

369
00:19:12,569 --> 00:19:14,924
I'm not gonna have
this conversation.

370
00:19:15,089 --> 00:19:16,761
Look, I'll call you tomorrow.

371
00:19:16,929 --> 00:19:18,601
Okay. Bye.

372
00:19:19,689 --> 00:19:21,122
Never get engaged.

373
00:19:23,889 --> 00:19:25,117
You're engaged?

374
00:19:25,609 --> 00:19:28,726
You know, you really have no idea
what it's like until you do it.

375
00:19:28,889 --> 00:19:31,039
I'm on this emotional roller coaster.

376
00:19:31,209 --> 00:19:32,483
You're engaged?

377
00:19:32,649 --> 00:19:35,163
You know, I can't believe it
myself sometimes.

378
00:19:35,329 --> 00:19:37,763
You have to start thinking
in terms of "we."

379
00:19:37,929 --> 00:19:40,648
- It's a very stressful situation.
- You're engaged.

380
00:19:40,809 --> 00:19:43,198
- Yeah, he's a great guy.
- Yeah.

381
00:19:43,369 --> 00:19:45,280
You'd really like him.

382
00:19:45,449 --> 00:19:48,600
- I can't wait to get on that boat.
- Me too.

383
00:19:50,449 --> 00:19:53,043
I swear, I have absolutely no idea
what women are thinking.

384
00:19:53,209 --> 00:19:56,918
I don't get it, okay?
I admit, I'm not getting the signals.

385
00:19:57,089 --> 00:19:58,602
I am not getting it.

386
00:19:58,769 --> 00:20:02,762
Women, they're so subtle. Their little-
Everything they do is subtle.

387
00:20:03,929 --> 00:20:06,807
Men are not subtle. We are obvious.

388
00:20:06,969 --> 00:20:09,244
Women know what men want,
men know what men want.

389
00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:12,560
What do we want?
We want women. That's it.

390
00:20:15,129 --> 00:20:17,882
It's the only thing we know for sure.
It really is.

391
00:20:18,049 --> 00:20:19,562
We want women.
How do we get them?

392
00:20:19,729 --> 00:20:21,367
We don't know about that.
We don't know.

393
00:20:21,529 --> 00:20:23,565
The next step after that,
we have no idea.

394
00:20:23,729 --> 00:20:27,438
This is why you see men honking car
horns, yelling from construction sites.

395
00:20:27,609 --> 00:20:29,964
These are the best ideas
we've had so far.

396
00:20:33,049 --> 00:20:35,563
The car horn honk.
Is that the beauty?

397
00:20:35,729 --> 00:20:37,879
Have you seen men doing this?

398
00:20:38,049 --> 00:20:40,040
What is this? The man is in the car.

399
00:20:40,209 --> 00:20:42,120
The woman walks by
the front of the car.

400
00:20:42,289 --> 00:20:43,608
He honks the-

401
00:20:45,609 --> 00:20:48,362
This man is out of ideas.

402
00:20:49,329 --> 00:20:50,762
How does the-?

403
00:20:54,129 --> 00:20:56,165
I don't think she likes me.

404
00:20:57,889 --> 00:21:00,244
The amazing thing is that we still
get women, don't we?

405
00:21:00,409 --> 00:21:02,047
I mean, men are with women.

406
00:21:02,209 --> 00:21:03,722
You see men with women.

407
00:21:03,889 --> 00:21:06,767
How are men getting women?
Many people wonder.

408
00:21:06,929 --> 00:21:09,159
Let me tell you a little bit
about our organization.

409
00:21:11,129 --> 00:21:14,838
Wherever women are, we have a man
working on the situation right now.

410
00:21:15,449 --> 00:21:18,168
Now, he may not be our best man...

411
00:21:19,729 --> 00:21:21,526
...okay, we have a lot of areas
to cover...

412
00:21:21,689 --> 00:21:25,443
...but someone from our staff
is on the scene.

413
00:21:25,609 --> 00:21:27,008
That's why men get frustrated...

414
00:21:27,169 --> 00:21:29,046
...when we see women
reading articles...

415
00:21:29,209 --> 00:21:31,518
...like "Where to Meet Men."

416
00:21:32,129 --> 00:21:34,484
We're here. We are everywhere.

417
00:21:34,929 --> 00:21:37,523
We're honking our horns
to serve you better.

418
00:22:05,689 --> 00:22:07,680
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