1
00:00:02,529 --> 00:00:04,360
The bad thing about television...

2
00:00:04,529 --> 00:00:08,124
...is that everybody you see on
television is doing something better...

3
00:00:08,289 --> 00:00:09,722
...than what you're doing.

4
00:00:11,929 --> 00:00:14,284
You never see anybody
on TV sliding off the sofa...

5
00:00:14,449 --> 00:00:15,882
...with crumbs on their face.

6
00:00:16,369 --> 00:00:18,121
Some people have a
little too much fun.

7
00:00:18,289 --> 00:00:19,563
The soda commercial people.

8
00:00:19,729 --> 00:00:23,358
Where do they summon
this enthusiasm?

9
00:00:23,729 --> 00:00:27,324
Have you seen them? "We have soda!
We have soda! We have soda!"

10
00:00:27,489 --> 00:00:30,686
Jumping, laughing,
flying through the air.

11
00:00:31,649 --> 00:00:34,322
It's a can of soda.

12
00:00:34,929 --> 00:00:37,682
Have you ever been standing there
and you're watching TV...

13
00:00:37,849 --> 00:00:40,488
...and you're drinking
the exact product...

14
00:00:40,649 --> 00:00:43,402
...that they're advertising
right there on TV?

15
00:00:43,569 --> 00:00:47,881
And it's like, you know, they're spiking
volleyballs, jet-skiing, girls in bikinis...

16
00:00:48,049 --> 00:00:52,440
...and I'm standing there, "Maybe I'm
putting too much ice in mine."

17
00:00:57,649 --> 00:00:58,923
So then, as we were leaving...

18
00:00:59,089 --> 00:01:02,161
...we were just kind of standing there,
and she was smiling at me.

19
00:01:02,329 --> 00:01:04,240
I wasn't sure if she wanted
me to ask her out.

20
00:01:04,409 --> 00:01:06,320
When women smile,
I don't know what it means.

21
00:01:06,489 --> 00:01:08,525
Sometimes I interpret it like
they're psychotic.

22
00:01:08,689 --> 00:01:10,884
I don't know if I'm
supposed to smile back.

23
00:01:11,049 --> 00:01:12,880
I just stood there.
Remember Quayle when...

24
00:01:13,049 --> 00:01:15,768
...Bentsen gave him the Kennedy
line? That's what I looked like.

25
00:01:15,929 --> 00:01:17,806
- So you didn't ask?
- No. I froze.

26
00:01:17,969 --> 00:01:19,960
- Counter.
- Oh, yeah. So wait, wait.

27
00:01:20,129 --> 00:01:22,802
Half-hour later I'm back at the office.
I tell Lloyd the story.

28
00:01:22,969 --> 00:01:26,518
He says, "Why don't you call her?"
I says, "I can't!"I couldn't do it then.

29
00:01:26,689 --> 00:01:29,328
For me to ask a woman out,
I gotta get into a mental state...

30
00:01:29,489 --> 00:01:31,719
...like karate guys
before they break bricks.

31
00:01:31,889 --> 00:01:34,357
So then Lloyd calls me a wuss.

32
00:01:34,609 --> 00:01:35,883
- He said "wuss"?
- Yeah.

33
00:01:36,409 --> 00:01:38,127
Anyway, he shamed me into it.

34
00:01:38,809 --> 00:01:40,003
- So you called?
- Right.

35
00:01:40,169 --> 00:01:42,524
And to cover my nervousness,
I started eating an apple.

36
00:01:42,689 --> 00:01:45,487
I think if they hear you chewing
on the other end of the phone...

37
00:01:45,649 --> 00:01:47,799
- ... makes you sound casual.
- Yeah, like a farm boy.

38
00:01:47,969 --> 00:01:49,846
Right. So I call her up,
I tell her it's me.

39
00:01:50,009 --> 00:01:51,727
She gives me an enthusiastic "Hi!"

40
00:01:51,889 --> 00:01:54,198
Enthusiastic hi,
that's beautiful.

41
00:01:54,369 --> 00:01:56,599
I don't get the enthusiastic hi,
I'm out of there.

42
00:01:56,769 --> 00:01:59,567
So you're chewing your apple.
You got your enthusiastic hi.

43
00:01:59,729 --> 00:02:02,289
We're talking. I don't go
too long before I ask them out.

44
00:02:02,449 --> 00:02:04,360
I want to get it over with right away.

45
00:02:04,529 --> 00:02:07,327
So I just blurt out, "What are
you doing Saturday night?"

46
00:02:07,489 --> 00:02:08,763
And?

47
00:02:08,929 --> 00:02:10,442
She bought.

48
00:02:11,569 --> 00:02:13,002
Great day in the morning.

49
00:02:13,169 --> 00:02:14,921
Then I got off the phone right away.

50
00:02:15,089 --> 00:02:18,638
It's like robbing a bank. Don't loiter in
front of the teller with a bag of money.

51
00:02:18,809 --> 00:02:20,845
You make your hit and get out.

52
00:02:21,089 --> 00:02:22,807
We both have dates
on the same night.

53
00:02:22,969 --> 00:02:24,880
I can't remember
the last time that happened.

54
00:02:28,569 --> 00:02:32,164
I can't stand doing laundry, that's
why I have 40 pairs of underwear.

55
00:02:32,329 --> 00:02:34,126
- You do not.
- Absolutely.

56
00:02:34,289 --> 00:02:37,281
Because instead of doing a wash,
I just keep buying underwear.

57
00:02:37,449 --> 00:02:39,246
My goal is to have over 360 pair.

58
00:02:39,409 --> 00:02:41,969
That way, I only have
to do wash once a year.

59
00:02:44,609 --> 00:02:46,440
Come on, try it!

60
00:02:46,609 --> 00:02:48,679
Let me hear you
try a Scottish accent.

61
00:02:49,249 --> 00:02:51,319
- That's Irish.
- Irish, Scottish.

62
00:02:51,489 --> 00:02:53,639
What's the difference, lassie?

63
00:02:55,569 --> 00:02:58,129
So thanks for dinner.
It was great.

64
00:02:58,489 --> 00:02:59,558
Yeah.

65
00:03:01,369 --> 00:03:02,768
We should do this again.

66
00:03:04,209 --> 00:03:06,086
Would you like to come
upstairs for coffee?

67
00:03:06,409 --> 00:03:10,368
No, thanks. I can't drink coffee
at night. It keeps me up.

68
00:03:13,649 --> 00:03:14,968
So...

69
00:03:15,129 --> 00:03:16,357
Okay.

70
00:03:17,929 --> 00:03:19,078
Okay.

71
00:03:19,689 --> 00:03:20,917
Good night.

72
00:03:21,089 --> 00:03:22,408
Yeah. Take it easy.

73
00:03:33,569 --> 00:03:35,719
- Thanks again for the movie.
- You're welcome.

74
00:03:37,489 --> 00:03:39,559
I'd invite you up,
but the place is being painted.

75
00:03:39,729 --> 00:03:41,162
Oh, that's okay.

76
00:03:41,929 --> 00:03:44,284
Unless you want to go to your place.

77
00:03:44,449 --> 00:03:48,362
Okay, but there's no cake or anything,
if that's what you're looking for.

78
00:03:49,369 --> 00:03:50,848
"Take it easy."

79
00:03:52,529 --> 00:03:54,042
"Take it easy!"

80
00:03:56,609 --> 00:03:59,169
I think if one's going to kill oneself...

81
00:03:59,329 --> 00:04:02,127
...the least you could do is leave
a note. It's common courtesy.

82
00:04:02,289 --> 00:04:03,483
I don't know.

83
00:04:03,649 --> 00:04:05,958
That's just the way
I was brought up.

84
00:04:07,369 --> 00:04:10,441
- Values are important.
- So important.

85
00:04:12,049 --> 00:04:14,438
What are you doing Thursday night?
You wanna have dinner?

86
00:04:14,929 --> 00:04:16,408
Thursday's great.

87
00:04:20,049 --> 00:04:21,687
Tan pants.

88
00:04:22,529 --> 00:04:24,963
Why do I buy tan pants, Donna?

89
00:04:25,129 --> 00:04:26,767
I don't feel comfortable in them.

90
00:04:26,929 --> 00:04:28,999
Are those cotton Dockers?

91
00:04:29,609 --> 00:04:33,568
I can't begin to tell you how much
I hate that commercial.

92
00:04:33,729 --> 00:04:35,242
Really?

93
00:04:35,409 --> 00:04:37,365
I like that commercial.

94
00:04:42,089 --> 00:04:44,159
You like that commercial?

95
00:04:44,329 --> 00:04:45,648
Yeah. It's clever.

96
00:04:46,129 --> 00:04:49,838
You mean the one where the guys
are all standing around...

97
00:04:50,009 --> 00:04:51,806
...supposedly being very
casual and witty?

98
00:04:51,969 --> 00:04:54,005
Yeah. That's the one.

99
00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:58,118
What could you possibly
like about that?

100
00:04:58,289 --> 00:05:00,564
I don't know. I like the guys.

101
00:05:00,729 --> 00:05:03,163
Yeah they're so funny and so
comfortable with each other.

102
00:05:03,329 --> 00:05:06,446
And I could be comfortable too,
if I had pants like that.

103
00:05:06,649 --> 00:05:09,322
I could sit on a porch
and wrestle around...

104
00:05:09,489 --> 00:05:11,878
...and maybe even be
part of a real bull session.

105
00:05:12,049 --> 00:05:15,246
I know guys like that. To me,
the dialogue rings true.

106
00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:22,447
Even if the dialogue did ring true...

107
00:05:22,609 --> 00:05:25,999
...even if somehow, somewhere men
actually talk like that...

108
00:05:26,169 --> 00:05:29,127
...what does that have
anything to do with the pants?

109
00:05:29,289 --> 00:05:31,405
Doesn't that bother you?

110
00:05:31,569 --> 00:05:34,447
That's the idea.
That is what is clever about it.

111
00:05:34,609 --> 00:05:37,442
- They're not talking about pants.
- They're talking about nothing.

112
00:05:37,609 --> 00:05:39,406
- That's the point.
- I know the point.

113
00:05:39,569 --> 00:05:41,321
No one is telling you to like it.

114
00:05:41,489 --> 00:05:45,277
All those quick shots of the pants.
Just pants, pants, pants, pants.

115
00:05:45,449 --> 00:05:47,565
What is that supposed to be?

116
00:05:53,009 --> 00:05:57,639
What's brutal about the date is the
scrutiny you put each other through.

117
00:05:57,809 --> 00:06:00,482
Because whenever you
think about this person...

118
00:06:00,649 --> 00:06:04,437
...in terms of the future, you have
to magnify everything about them.

119
00:06:04,609 --> 00:06:08,841
The guy will be like, "I don't think
her eyebrows are even.

120
00:06:10,249 --> 00:06:13,798
Could I look at uneven eyebrows
for the rest of my life?"

121
00:06:13,969 --> 00:06:16,164
Of course, the woman's looking
at the guy thinking:

122
00:06:16,329 --> 00:06:18,559
"What is he looking at?

123
00:06:18,729 --> 00:06:21,960
Do I want someone looking at me
like this for the rest of my life?"

124
00:06:24,889 --> 00:06:26,766
I'm supposed to see her
again on Thursday.

125
00:06:26,929 --> 00:06:30,683
But can I go out with someone that
actually likes this commercial?

126
00:06:31,409 --> 00:06:34,606
I once broke up with a guy because
he didn't keep his bathroom clean.

127
00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:36,839
No kidding. Did you tell him
that was the reason?

128
00:06:37,009 --> 00:06:38,442
Yeah. I told him all the time.

129
00:06:38,609 --> 00:06:40,998
You would not have
believed his tub.

130
00:06:41,169 --> 00:06:44,206
Germs were building
a town in there.

131
00:06:44,369 --> 00:06:45,802
They were constructing offices.

132
00:06:45,969 --> 00:06:48,927
Houses near the drain
were going for $150,000.

133
00:06:52,689 --> 00:06:54,122
Hi.

134
00:06:57,609 --> 00:06:59,327
You're still thinking about this?

135
00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:06,157
She invites me up at 12:00
at night for coffee.

136
00:07:06,969 --> 00:07:08,607
And I don't go up.

137
00:07:09,209 --> 00:07:10,847
"No, thank you.

138
00:07:11,009 --> 00:07:13,045
I don't want coffee.

139
00:07:13,209 --> 00:07:15,086
It keeps me up.

140
00:07:15,849 --> 00:07:18,124
Too late for me to drink coffee."

141
00:07:18,609 --> 00:07:20,327
I said this to her.

142
00:07:21,009 --> 00:07:23,728
People this stupid
shouldn't be allowed to live.

143
00:07:23,929 --> 00:07:25,760
I can't imagine what
she must think of me.

144
00:07:25,929 --> 00:07:27,965
She thinks you're a guy
that doesn't like coffee.

145
00:07:28,129 --> 00:07:30,245
She invited me up!
Coffee's not coffee.

146
00:07:30,409 --> 00:07:32,923
- Coffee is sex.
- Maybe coffee was coffee.

147
00:07:33,089 --> 00:07:35,649
Coffee's coffee in the morning,
not at 12:00 at night.

148
00:07:35,809 --> 00:07:37,322
Some people drink coffee that late.

149
00:07:37,489 --> 00:07:41,562
Yeah, people who work at NORAD
who are on 24-hour missile watch.

150
00:07:42,929 --> 00:07:45,363
Everything was going along so great.
She was laughing.

151
00:07:45,529 --> 00:07:47,042
I was funny.

152
00:07:47,449 --> 00:07:51,078
I kept saying to myself, "Keep it up,
don't blow it. You're doing great."

153
00:07:51,489 --> 00:07:54,083
It's all in your head. All she knows
is she had a good time.

154
00:07:54,249 --> 00:07:57,241
- I think you should call her.
- I can't call her now. It's too soon.

155
00:07:57,409 --> 00:07:59,286
I'm planning a Wednesday call.

156
00:07:59,449 --> 00:08:02,088
Why? I love it when guys
call me the next day.

157
00:08:02,249 --> 00:08:04,763
Of course you do, but you're
imagining a guy you like.

158
00:08:04,929 --> 00:08:08,524
Not a guy who goes, "No. I don't
drink coffee late at night."

159
00:08:09,289 --> 00:08:11,325
If I call her now,
she's gonna think I'm needy.

160
00:08:11,489 --> 00:08:12,968
Women don't want to see need.

161
00:08:13,129 --> 00:08:16,883
They want a take-charge guy,
a colonel, a Kaiser, a czar.

162
00:08:17,889 --> 00:08:20,119
All she'll think is that you like her.

163
00:08:20,409 --> 00:08:22,445
That's exactly what
I'm trying to avoid.

164
00:08:22,609 --> 00:08:24,201
She wants you to like her.

165
00:08:24,369 --> 00:08:28,999
Yes, she wants me to like her, if she
likes me, but she doesn't like me.

166
00:08:29,569 --> 00:08:32,686
I don't know what your parents
did to you.

167
00:08:33,809 --> 00:08:35,128
Hey.

168
00:08:35,489 --> 00:08:38,367
Hey. I just thought of a really
funny thing for your act.

169
00:08:38,529 --> 00:08:40,963
All right. You're up there.
You're on stage, and you go:

170
00:08:41,129 --> 00:08:44,599
"You ever notice
how cars here in New York...

171
00:08:44,769 --> 00:08:46,760
...never get out of the way
of ambulances?

172
00:08:47,169 --> 00:08:50,923
Someone's in a life-and-death
situation, and we're thinking:

173
00:08:51,089 --> 00:08:52,442
'Sorry, buddy.

174
00:08:52,609 --> 00:08:55,567
Should've thought of that when you
were eating cheese omelets...

175
00:08:55,729 --> 00:08:58,402
...for breakfast every morning
for the last 30 years."'

176
00:08:59,089 --> 00:09:00,602
So you gonna use it?

177
00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:02,568
I don't think so.

178
00:09:03,489 --> 00:09:05,764
- Well, it's funny.
- It's funny.

179
00:09:05,929 --> 00:09:07,567
I like to do my own material.

180
00:09:07,729 --> 00:09:10,641
That's as good as anything you do.

181
00:09:11,929 --> 00:09:14,602
All right, I gotta make a call.
Everybody out. Come on.

182
00:09:14,889 --> 00:09:17,039
- Why do we have to leave?
- I can't call a woman...

183
00:09:17,209 --> 00:09:19,086
- ... with other people in the room.
- Oh, see?

184
00:09:19,249 --> 00:09:20,728
This is the problem.

185
00:09:21,209 --> 00:09:22,688
You're kicking me out of my house?

186
00:09:22,849 --> 00:09:24,362
- Yes.
- Don't forget.

187
00:09:24,529 --> 00:09:27,327
Right. Jerry,
do you have any apples?

188
00:09:28,849 --> 00:09:30,521
Don't do the apples.

189
00:09:30,969 --> 00:09:32,880
It's enough already with the apples.

190
00:09:48,169 --> 00:09:50,285
Hi, it's Carol. I'l get back to you.

191
00:09:51,289 --> 00:09:53,849
Hi! It's George.

192
00:09:54,009 --> 00:09:55,965
George Costanza.
Remember me?

193
00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:58,120
The guy who didn't come up
for coffee.

194
00:09:59,089 --> 00:10:04,243
You see, I didn't realize
that coffee didn't really mean...

195
00:10:05,169 --> 00:10:06,841
Well, whatever.

196
00:10:07,529 --> 00:10:08,678
Anyway.

197
00:10:08,849 --> 00:10:10,487
It was fun.

198
00:10:11,089 --> 00:10:12,886
It was...

199
00:10:13,609 --> 00:10:15,486
It was fun, so...

200
00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:18,482
Oh, boy. So...

201
00:10:18,649 --> 00:10:19,877
You call me back.

202
00:10:20,049 --> 00:10:22,165
If you want.

203
00:10:22,329 --> 00:10:24,206
That's up to you, you know.

204
00:10:24,369 --> 00:10:26,121
Whatever you want to do.

205
00:10:26,929 --> 00:10:28,248
Either way.

206
00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:30,806
The ball's in your court.

207
00:10:31,609 --> 00:10:33,645
So...

208
00:10:34,769 --> 00:10:36,043
Take it easy.

209
00:10:38,329 --> 00:10:40,684
I'm just getting my jacket.
I'll meet you downstairs.

210
00:10:40,849 --> 00:10:43,488
What's the matter?
Did you call?

211
00:10:43,649 --> 00:10:45,048
Got her machine.

212
00:10:45,409 --> 00:10:48,162
I'm dead. I'm a dead man. That's it,
I'm dead. I'm a dead man.

213
00:10:48,329 --> 00:10:49,603
Dead man.

214
00:10:49,769 --> 00:10:51,964
- What'd you say?
- I don't know what the hell I said.

215
00:10:52,129 --> 00:10:55,201
I gave her an ultimatum, and there's
nothing I can do. It's a machine.

216
00:10:55,369 --> 00:10:58,441
The little light's blinking right now.
"Come and listen to the idiot.

217
00:10:58,609 --> 00:11:01,169
Hey, everybody, the idiot's on!"

218
00:11:02,289 --> 00:11:04,484
After one date you try and improvise
on a machine?

219
00:11:04,649 --> 00:11:06,799
Now I'm in the worst position of all.

220
00:11:06,969 --> 00:11:10,598
My brother-in-law once left a message
on this guy's machine.

221
00:11:10,769 --> 00:11:13,488
And he blurted out business
information he wasn't supposed to.

222
00:11:13,649 --> 00:11:16,038
It would have cost him $15,000...

223
00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:18,200
...so he waited outside
the guy's house.

224
00:11:18,369 --> 00:11:22,248
When the guy came home, he went
with him and switched the tape.

225
00:11:22,769 --> 00:11:24,327
- He did that?
- Yeah.

226
00:11:24,489 --> 00:11:25,638
Somebody did that?

227
00:11:25,809 --> 00:11:28,846
She'll call you back.
You're overreacting.

228
00:11:35,249 --> 00:11:37,285
- Not once.
- Never?

229
00:11:37,449 --> 00:11:42,443
I have never seen one episode
of I Love Lucy in my life ever.

230
00:11:42,609 --> 00:11:45,248
- That's amazing.
- Thank you.

231
00:11:45,449 --> 00:11:46,882
Anything else I should know?

232
00:11:47,049 --> 00:11:49,165
Yes. I'm lactose intolerant.

233
00:11:50,449 --> 00:11:53,600
- Really?
- I have no patience for lactose...

234
00:11:54,129 --> 00:11:56,006
...and I won't stand for it.

235
00:11:56,769 --> 00:11:58,407
I'll be right back.

236
00:12:03,409 --> 00:12:04,637
Wait till you hear this.

237
00:12:06,209 --> 00:12:07,961
I'm sorry. I had no idea-

238
00:12:08,129 --> 00:12:10,279
Wait. Wait. He's in the bathroom.

239
00:12:11,009 --> 00:12:13,523
I wanted to talk to him for a minute,
but I'll come back.

240
00:12:13,689 --> 00:12:15,247
You don't have to leave.

241
00:12:15,489 --> 00:12:17,002
- You sure?
- Yes.

242
00:12:17,249 --> 00:12:18,602
Okay.

243
00:12:18,969 --> 00:12:21,085
- I'm Donna.
- Donna.

244
00:12:21,249 --> 00:12:23,922
You're the one that likes
that commercial!

245
00:12:24,369 --> 00:12:25,722
He told you that?

246
00:12:26,889 --> 00:12:30,165
No. He didn't actually tell me that.

247
00:12:30,329 --> 00:12:33,162
We were talking about that
commercial. In fact...

248
00:12:33,329 --> 00:12:36,844
...I think I brought it up because
I like that commercial. No.

249
00:12:37,049 --> 00:12:39,404
He would never actually tell
me anything like that.

250
00:12:39,569 --> 00:12:41,799
He never discusses anything. He's-

251
00:12:41,969 --> 00:12:45,439
He's like a clam. You're not
gonna mention this to him-?

252
00:12:45,609 --> 00:12:49,124
So you tell your friends I'm not hip
because I like that commercial.

253
00:12:49,289 --> 00:12:50,438
What?

254
00:12:50,609 --> 00:12:52,327
- What did you say?
- Say? What? Nothing.

255
00:12:52,489 --> 00:12:54,923
You told him how I like
the commercial.

256
00:12:55,129 --> 00:12:56,448
So what if I said that?

257
00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:58,281
You didn't have to tell
your friends.

258
00:12:58,449 --> 00:13:01,759
No, I had to tell my friends.
My friends didn't have to tell you.

259
00:13:02,089 --> 00:13:03,727
Why'd you have to
get me in trouble?

260
00:13:03,889 --> 00:13:06,119
I don't like you talking
about me behind my back.

261
00:13:06,289 --> 00:13:08,519
- Oh, boy.
- I said I couldn't believe you liked...

262
00:13:08,689 --> 00:13:10,122
...that commercial. So what?

263
00:13:10,289 --> 00:13:13,122
I asked some friends this weekend,
all of them like the commercial.

264
00:13:13,289 --> 00:13:16,679
Boy, I bet you got a regular
Algonquin Round Table there.

265
00:13:18,569 --> 00:13:19,763
Hey.

266
00:13:20,049 --> 00:13:22,438
Kramer, this is Donna.

267
00:13:24,209 --> 00:13:26,120
- Cotton Dockers!
- Hello.

268
00:13:26,289 --> 00:13:27,847
We should be going. Come on.

269
00:13:28,009 --> 00:13:30,443
- What? Where are we going?
- Don't bother. I'm leaving.

270
00:13:30,609 --> 00:13:31,962
You're making too much of this.

271
00:13:32,129 --> 00:13:33,608
"One hundred percent
cotton Dockers.

272
00:13:33,769 --> 00:13:36,078
If they're not Dockers,
they're just pants."

273
00:13:36,529 --> 00:13:37,928
Kramer, please. Donna.

274
00:13:38,089 --> 00:13:39,602
I don't wanna hear it.

275
00:13:40,969 --> 00:13:42,482
I can't believe I said that.

276
00:13:42,649 --> 00:13:44,321
You know me. I'm a vault.

277
00:13:44,489 --> 00:13:46,366
Don't worry,
it wasn't working anyway.

278
00:13:46,529 --> 00:13:49,123
- What happened there?
- I'll tell you later.

279
00:13:49,489 --> 00:13:52,526
You're not gonna believe
what's going on with this woman.

280
00:13:54,289 --> 00:13:56,962
You remember I made
the initial call Sunday.

281
00:13:57,129 --> 00:13:58,403
She doesn't call back.

282
00:13:58,569 --> 00:14:00,002
I call again Monday.

283
00:14:00,169 --> 00:14:01,397
I leave another message.

284
00:14:01,569 --> 00:14:03,719
I call Tuesday,
I get the machine again.

285
00:14:03,889 --> 00:14:07,040
"I know you're there.
I don't know what your story is."

286
00:14:07,209 --> 00:14:09,359
Yesterday, I'm a volcano.

287
00:14:09,529 --> 00:14:11,247
I try one more call.

288
00:14:11,409 --> 00:14:16,403
The machine comes on, and I let fly
like Mussolini from the balcony.

289
00:14:16,569 --> 00:14:18,639
"Where the hell
do you get the nerve?

290
00:14:18,809 --> 00:14:22,438
You invite me up for coffee, and then
you don't call me back for four days?

291
00:14:22,609 --> 00:14:25,328
I don't like coffee.
I don't have to come up!

292
00:14:25,489 --> 00:14:29,118
I'd like to get one more shot at the
coffee so I can spit it in your face!"

293
00:14:30,649 --> 00:14:32,924
- You said that?
- I lost it.

294
00:14:33,089 --> 00:14:36,479
I can't blame you. I can't believe
she never called you back.

295
00:14:36,889 --> 00:14:38,208
She did.

296
00:14:38,929 --> 00:14:40,362
Today.

297
00:14:40,529 --> 00:14:42,645
- What?
- She called my office.

298
00:14:43,769 --> 00:14:46,522
She said she's been
in the Hamptons since Sunday.

299
00:14:46,689 --> 00:14:48,759
She didn't know if I was
trying to get in touch.

300
00:14:48,929 --> 00:14:51,284
Her machine broke, and she's
been using her old machine.

301
00:14:51,449 --> 00:14:53,644
And she doesn't have
the beeper for it.

302
00:14:53,809 --> 00:14:57,643
- She didn't get the messages.
- Exactly. But they're on there waiting.

303
00:14:57,809 --> 00:15:00,369
She can't wait to see me,
we're having dinner tonight.

304
00:15:00,529 --> 00:15:02,645
She's supposed to call me
when she gets home.

305
00:15:02,809 --> 00:15:04,845
But what about the messages?

306
00:15:08,729 --> 00:15:10,401
Elaine's thing?

307
00:15:10,569 --> 00:15:11,718
How you gonna get in?

308
00:15:12,169 --> 00:15:14,239
I'll meet her outside the building.

309
00:15:14,409 --> 00:15:17,446
But you know as soon as she gets
in, she's going for that machine.

310
00:15:17,929 --> 00:15:20,887
Unless she goes for the bathroom,
that's my only chance.

311
00:15:21,809 --> 00:15:24,607
Who am I kidding?
I can't do this! I can't do this!

312
00:15:24,769 --> 00:15:26,725
I don't know how to work
the stupid machines.

313
00:15:26,889 --> 00:15:30,245
There's nothing to it. You lift the lid.
It comes right out.

314
00:15:30,409 --> 00:15:32,320
- You do it for me.
- What?

315
00:15:32,489 --> 00:15:34,605
Come on. It'll be so much easier.

316
00:15:35,409 --> 00:15:37,206
How are you gonna
get me up there?

317
00:15:37,369 --> 00:15:39,929
I'll tell her I bumped into you.
I'm giving you a ride uptown.

318
00:15:40,089 --> 00:15:42,205
- Who makes the switch?
- You do.

319
00:15:42,369 --> 00:15:43,882
- I do.
- I can't do it.

320
00:15:44,049 --> 00:15:45,641
I'll keep her busy.

321
00:15:46,289 --> 00:15:48,757
I can't get involved in this.

322
00:15:49,409 --> 00:15:52,128
I think I may be in love
with this woman.

323
00:15:53,209 --> 00:15:54,847
What if she sees me?

324
00:15:55,169 --> 00:15:57,603
You are such a wuss.

325
00:15:59,009 --> 00:16:01,000
- A wuss?
- Yeah.

326
00:16:03,569 --> 00:16:04,968
Did you call me a wuss?

327
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:11,561
Well, there is traffic.

328
00:16:12,329 --> 00:16:13,921
It might take her till 8: 15.

329
00:16:14,089 --> 00:16:17,126
I got one problem. You're keeping
her busy in the other room.

330
00:16:17,289 --> 00:16:20,440
Now what if she somehow gets
away from you and is coming in?

331
00:16:20,609 --> 00:16:22,327
You have to signal me
that she's coming.

332
00:16:22,489 --> 00:16:24,161
A signal. Right.

333
00:16:24,809 --> 00:16:26,606
Okay. The signal is...

334
00:16:26,769 --> 00:16:28,361
...I'll call out "Tippy-toe!"

335
00:16:30,049 --> 00:16:31,562
Tippy-toe?

336
00:16:32,329 --> 00:16:34,081
I don't think so.

337
00:16:34,249 --> 00:16:36,763
- You don't like tippy-toe?
- No tippy-toe.

338
00:16:36,929 --> 00:16:38,282
All right.

339
00:16:38,449 --> 00:16:39,848
Okay. I got it.

340
00:16:40,009 --> 00:16:42,398
- I'll sing.
- What song?

341
00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:45,808
"How Do You Solve
a Problem Like Maria?"

342
00:16:45,969 --> 00:16:48,244
- What is that?
- It's a lovely song.

343
00:16:50,569 --> 00:16:52,161
Got anything else?

344
00:16:52,729 --> 00:16:54,447
You pick it.

345
00:16:55,569 --> 00:16:57,480
- "Lemon Tree."
- Peter, Paul and Mary?

346
00:16:57,649 --> 00:16:59,401
No. Trini Lopez.

347
00:17:03,329 --> 00:17:04,682
Okay.

348
00:17:05,089 --> 00:17:06,283
You got the tape?

349
00:17:07,129 --> 00:17:08,528
Standard.

350
00:17:08,689 --> 00:17:10,805
- Micro.
- How do you feel, confident?

351
00:17:10,969 --> 00:17:12,163
- I feel good.
- Nervous?

352
00:17:12,329 --> 00:17:13,648
Not at all.

353
00:17:13,809 --> 00:17:15,208
Get up, get up. It's her.

354
00:17:15,369 --> 00:17:17,929
To hell with this! I'm scared.
Walk away. Cancel everything.

355
00:17:18,089 --> 00:17:20,478
Hey, what are you doing here?

356
00:17:20,649 --> 00:17:22,685
I was supposed to call you
when I got home.

357
00:17:22,849 --> 00:17:25,966
I couldn't wait. I was too
anxious to see you.

358
00:17:26,129 --> 00:17:28,643
That's so sweet.

359
00:17:28,809 --> 00:17:31,004
This is my friend, Jerry Seinfeld.

360
00:17:31,169 --> 00:17:33,444
I just bumped into him
around the corner.

361
00:17:34,129 --> 00:17:36,006
Isn't that a coincidence?

362
00:17:36,169 --> 00:17:38,524
The funny thing is,
I see him all the time.

363
00:17:38,689 --> 00:17:40,407
- All the time.
- Nice to meet you.

364
00:17:40,569 --> 00:17:41,763
Hi.

365
00:17:41,929 --> 00:17:43,885
So I'm starving.
Where are we gonna eat?

366
00:17:44,289 --> 00:17:45,688
You know, we could go uptown...

367
00:17:45,849 --> 00:17:47,760
...and that way we can give
Jerry a ride home.

368
00:17:47,929 --> 00:17:50,363
Okay. Let's go. I'm ready.
Where'd you park?

369
00:17:51,569 --> 00:17:53,127
Don't you want to go upstairs first?

370
00:17:53,289 --> 00:17:56,167
No. What for? I'll just give
my bag to the doorman.

371
00:17:56,569 --> 00:17:57,843
You know...

372
00:17:58,769 --> 00:18:01,124
...I really need to use the bathroom.

373
00:18:01,769 --> 00:18:04,681
There's a bathroom in the
coffee shop just next door.

374
00:18:04,849 --> 00:18:06,441
Yes. Yes.

375
00:18:06,609 --> 00:18:10,568
- But I have to make a call, so-
- Well, they have a phone.

376
00:18:15,969 --> 00:18:17,721
I know Jerry.

377
00:18:19,249 --> 00:18:23,606
He has this phobia
about public toilets.

378
00:18:24,649 --> 00:18:26,401
I think we really should go upstairs.

379
00:18:27,009 --> 00:18:29,364
You know, I think I will go upstairs.

380
00:18:29,529 --> 00:18:31,087
I can check my machine.

381
00:18:31,249 --> 00:18:32,568
Right.

382
00:18:32,729 --> 00:18:34,128
Right.

383
00:18:39,929 --> 00:18:41,840
The bathroom's down the hall
to the right.

384
00:18:43,089 --> 00:18:44,283
You know...

385
00:18:44,449 --> 00:18:46,644
...why don't you go first?
You just had a long trip.

386
00:18:46,809 --> 00:18:48,686
No, I'm fine.

387
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:53,439
You know, it's the damnedest thing.

388
00:18:53,929 --> 00:18:55,408
It went away.

389
00:18:56,209 --> 00:18:57,608
Well, that's weird.

390
00:18:57,769 --> 00:19:01,478
No, no, that can happen. I've read
about that in medical journals.

391
00:19:01,649 --> 00:19:03,082
It's a freak thing.

392
00:19:03,609 --> 00:19:05,406
Let me just check my messages
and we'll go.

393
00:19:05,569 --> 00:19:08,561
- Carol, could I talk to you right now?
- Sure.

394
00:19:08,729 --> 00:19:11,801
Please, this is-
This is very important.

395
00:19:18,209 --> 00:19:20,803
Tippy-toe! Tippy-toe!
Lemon tree!

396
00:19:20,969 --> 00:19:22,925
Now I know who you are.
You're a comedian.

397
00:19:23,089 --> 00:19:25,125
I've seen you.
It's been driving me crazy.

398
00:19:25,489 --> 00:19:26,842
Right. I am.

399
00:19:27,009 --> 00:19:30,001
Carol, that's so rude.

400
00:19:30,449 --> 00:19:31,882
- Please, I'm serious.
- Okay.

401
00:19:32,049 --> 00:19:33,721
Just for a moment,
if you wouldn't mind.

402
00:19:33,889 --> 00:19:36,528
And then we'll talk to Jerry.

403
00:19:47,289 --> 00:19:49,928
Hey, you two, I'm ready to go.

404
00:19:50,329 --> 00:19:51,808
That's what you had to tell me?

405
00:19:51,969 --> 00:19:53,880
Your father wears sneakers
in the pool?

406
00:19:57,489 --> 00:19:59,400
Don't you find that strange?

407
00:19:59,569 --> 00:20:01,161
Yes.

408
00:20:02,009 --> 00:20:05,081
I'll just check my machine,
and we'll go.

409
00:20:07,649 --> 00:20:09,560
No. Nothing here.
Let's go.

410
00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:11,242
I forgot to tell you.

411
00:20:11,409 --> 00:20:15,288
After I talked to you, my neighbour
called, played my messages to me.

412
00:20:17,409 --> 00:20:19,639
Yours were hilarious.
We were both cracking up.

413
00:20:19,809 --> 00:20:21,322
I just love jokes like that.

414
00:20:30,129 --> 00:20:33,087
I love my phone machine.

415
00:20:33,249 --> 00:20:36,082
I wish I was a phone machine.

416
00:20:36,449 --> 00:20:39,680
If I saw somebody on the street
I didn't want to talk to, I could go:

417
00:20:39,849 --> 00:20:42,317
"Excuse me. I'm not in right now.

418
00:20:44,129 --> 00:20:47,360
If you could just leave a message,
I could walk away."

419
00:20:48,969 --> 00:20:53,008
I also have a cordless phone,
but I don't like that as much.

420
00:20:53,169 --> 00:20:55,239
Because you can't slam down
a cordless phone.

421
00:20:55,689 --> 00:20:57,884
You get mad at somebody
on a real phone:

422
00:20:58,049 --> 00:21:00,404
"You can't talk to me like that."
Bang. You know.

423
00:21:00,569 --> 00:21:04,847
Cordless phone.
"You can't talk to me like that."

424
00:21:09,689 --> 00:21:11,247
I told him.

425
00:21:59,249 --> 00:22:01,240
Subtitles by
SDI Media Group