1
00:00:02,569 --> 00:00:05,527
Well, I painted my apartment again.
I've been living there for years.

2
00:00:05,689 --> 00:00:07,361
Every time I paint it,
it gets me down.

3
00:00:07,529 --> 00:00:10,646
I look around and I think,
"Well, it's a little bit smaller now."

4
00:00:12,409 --> 00:00:14,877
It's the thickness of the paint,
but I'm aware of it.

5
00:00:15,049 --> 00:00:16,721
It just keeps coming in
and coming in.

6
00:00:16,889 --> 00:00:18,959
Every time I paint it,
it's closer and closer.

7
00:00:19,369 --> 00:00:21,121
I don't know where
the wall outlets are.

8
00:00:21,289 --> 00:00:23,849
I just look for a lump
with two slots in it.

9
00:00:24,009 --> 00:00:27,638
Looks like a pig is trying to push
his way through from the other side.

10
00:00:27,809 --> 00:00:28,958
That's where I plug in.

11
00:00:31,009 --> 00:00:32,920
My idea of the perfect living room...

12
00:00:33,089 --> 00:00:35,762
...would be the bridge
on the starship Enterprise.

13
00:00:35,929 --> 00:00:39,604
You know what I mean?
Big chair, nice screen, remote control.

14
00:00:39,769 --> 00:00:42,522
That's why Star Trek really
was the ultimate male fantasy.

15
00:00:42,689 --> 00:00:46,887
Just hurtling through space
in your living room watching TV.

16
00:00:48,209 --> 00:00:49,927
The aliens were always dropping in...

17
00:00:50,089 --> 00:00:52,603
...because Kirk was the only one
that had the big screen.

18
00:00:52,769 --> 00:00:55,522
They'd come over Friday nights.
Klingon boxing. Got to be there.

19
00:01:07,009 --> 00:01:10,081
- What did you do?
- Mousse. I moussed up.

20
00:01:10,249 --> 00:01:13,286
- I guess it was just a matter of time.
- I should've done this years ago.

21
00:01:13,449 --> 00:01:15,246
I mean, I feel like I've had two lives.

22
00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:18,401
My pre-mousse,
and now I begin my post-mousse.

23
00:01:18,569 --> 00:01:21,481
Tell me the truth, have you ever seen
a better-looking guy?

24
00:01:21,649 --> 00:01:24,322
Looks is so subjective.

25
00:01:24,809 --> 00:01:27,198
I don't mean to interrupt or anything...

26
00:01:27,369 --> 00:01:30,566
...but on Sunday, my friend is having
a brunch for the New York Marathon-

27
00:01:30,729 --> 00:01:34,085
Oh, God- I keep forgetting
to enter that.

28
00:01:36,769 --> 00:01:39,727
She lives right above First Avenue,
has a perfect view of the race.

29
00:01:39,889 --> 00:01:42,357
- She said I could invite some friends.
- Maybe.

30
00:01:42,529 --> 00:01:43,882
No! I'm not going up there!

31
00:01:46,169 --> 00:01:47,363
Harold and Manny.

32
00:01:50,529 --> 00:01:52,485
Boys, boys.

33
00:01:52,649 --> 00:01:54,128
Oh, Jerry.

34
00:01:54,289 --> 00:01:57,247
I slid the rent under your door,
Harold. Did you get it?

35
00:01:57,729 --> 00:02:00,766
Hey, Jerry. Would you like anything
from Ms. Hudwalker's apartment?

36
00:02:02,209 --> 00:02:03,688
I was only joking.

37
00:02:03,849 --> 00:02:06,204
He thinks I'm gonna give you
Ms. Hudwalker's things.

38
00:02:07,049 --> 00:02:08,960
We have to go up now
and clean the apartment.

39
00:02:09,249 --> 00:02:12,605
It's a good thing her rent was overdue.
She'd be rotting there for a month.

40
00:02:12,769 --> 00:02:14,441
She died? Mrs. Hudwalker died?

41
00:02:14,609 --> 00:02:17,521
Ninety-four years old.
I found her yesterday.

42
00:02:17,689 --> 00:02:21,284
She didn't have her wig on.
It was horrifying.

43
00:02:24,169 --> 00:02:25,807
What's the matter with you?
I'm talking!

44
00:02:25,969 --> 00:02:28,005
So you know anybody
who needs an apartment?

45
00:02:28,169 --> 00:02:29,761
You know my friend Elaine?

46
00:02:30,209 --> 00:02:32,928
Oh, yeah. I like her.
She always says hello.

47
00:02:33,089 --> 00:02:35,364
It's not promised to anyone?
She'd take it in a second.

48
00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:38,999
Well, Manny wanted it for his brother,
but he got deported.

49
00:02:43,369 --> 00:02:46,600
- What's the difference? It's true.
- So it's okay? She can have it?

50
00:02:46,769 --> 00:02:50,728
Sure. She's getting a bargain too.
It's only $400 a month.

51
00:02:53,049 --> 00:02:54,562
Okay.

52
00:02:54,929 --> 00:02:58,126
- Okay.
- Hey, Harold. What do you think?

53
00:02:58,769 --> 00:03:01,283
Manny, look.
Kramer put mousse in his hair.

54
00:03:06,089 --> 00:03:07,681
Thanks.

55
00:03:12,809 --> 00:03:14,879
What was that all about?

56
00:03:16,969 --> 00:03:19,358
Oh, nothing important.

57
00:03:20,329 --> 00:03:22,718
What's going on? What is that look?

58
00:03:23,249 --> 00:03:25,080
What look?

59
00:03:25,329 --> 00:03:26,682
Nothing.

60
00:03:26,849 --> 00:03:30,125
Something's going on here.

61
00:03:30,289 --> 00:03:32,484
I don't know if you should sit for this
or not.

62
00:03:32,929 --> 00:03:34,521
Sitting is good if you faint...

63
00:03:35,009 --> 00:03:38,888
...but standing is good
for jumping up and down.

64
00:03:39,049 --> 00:03:41,768
- I can't decide.
- Jumping up and down?

65
00:03:41,929 --> 00:03:44,318
What are you talking about?
Come on, cough it up.

66
00:03:44,489 --> 00:03:47,447
Oh, Elaine,
you know the way I am...

67
00:03:47,609 --> 00:03:50,681
...rarely ever thinking of myself.

68
00:03:50,889 --> 00:03:55,804
My only concern is the welfare
and happiness of those close to me.

69
00:03:56,009 --> 00:03:59,558
Sure, it hurts sometimes
to give and give and give-

70
00:03:59,729 --> 00:04:00,957
Would you please?

71
00:04:01,129 --> 00:04:04,804
What would you say
if I told you that-?

72
00:04:06,409 --> 00:04:07,967
Told me what?

73
00:04:08,449 --> 00:04:10,405
I got you an apartment
in this building.

74
00:04:10,729 --> 00:04:11,923
- No!
- Yes.

75
00:04:12,089 --> 00:04:14,284
- No! You didn't!
- Yes. I did.

76
00:04:14,449 --> 00:04:16,679
You got me an apartment
in the building?

77
00:04:16,849 --> 00:04:18,726
I got you an apartment
in the building.

78
00:04:18,889 --> 00:04:20,607
- How did you-?
- Remember Mrs. Hudwalker?

79
00:04:20,769 --> 00:04:22,725
The 94-year-old woman
who lived above me.

80
00:04:23,329 --> 00:04:24,648
- No.
- She died.

81
00:04:24,809 --> 00:04:26,288
- She died?
- She died.

82
00:04:26,449 --> 00:04:27,723
- She died!
- Yeah.

83
00:04:29,289 --> 00:04:34,886
- And the rent is only $400 a month.
- Get out!

84
00:04:35,569 --> 00:04:38,367
Four hundred a month?
Only 400 a month?

85
00:04:38,529 --> 00:04:40,520
- Four hundred a month.
- I'd be right upstairs?

86
00:04:40,689 --> 00:04:42,202
- Right upstairs.
- Right above you?

87
00:04:42,369 --> 00:04:44,246
Right above me.

88
00:04:44,489 --> 00:04:47,322
We're neighbours.
I'll be here all the time!

89
00:04:47,809 --> 00:04:49,765
All the time.

90
00:04:50,129 --> 00:04:52,563
We can exchange keys
so we can come in and out.

91
00:04:52,729 --> 00:04:55,243
Oh, this is gonna be great.

92
00:04:55,849 --> 00:04:57,760
All the time.

93
00:04:58,289 --> 00:05:01,838
The problem with talking is nobody
stops you from saying the wrong thing.

94
00:05:02,009 --> 00:05:03,840
I think life would be a lot better...

95
00:05:04,009 --> 00:05:06,079
...if it was like you're
always making a movie.

96
00:05:06,249 --> 00:05:09,924
You mess up, somebody just walks
on the set and stops the whole shot.

97
00:05:10,529 --> 00:05:12,963
Think of the things
you wish you could take back.

98
00:05:13,129 --> 00:05:17,247
You're out somewhere with people.
"Gee, you look pregnant. Are you?"

99
00:05:17,409 --> 00:05:19,684
"Cut, cut, cut!

100
00:05:19,849 --> 00:05:21,999
That's not gonna work at all.

101
00:05:22,169 --> 00:05:25,445
Walk out the door. Come back in.
Let's take this whole scene again.

102
00:05:25,609 --> 00:05:28,043
People, think about
what you're saying."

103
00:05:28,489 --> 00:05:31,003
Thanks. See you later, Donna.

104
00:05:33,449 --> 00:05:35,485
- What happened?
- You can't believe what I did.

105
00:05:35,649 --> 00:05:37,321
- What did you do?
- I could tell you...

106
00:05:37,489 --> 00:05:39,844
...but you won't believe it.
It's not believable.

107
00:05:40,009 --> 00:05:41,920
- How could I have done that?
- Done what?

108
00:05:42,089 --> 00:05:44,557
I told Elaine about an apartment
opening up in my building.

109
00:05:44,729 --> 00:05:47,482
- She's going to move in.
- Elaine's moving into your building?

110
00:05:47,649 --> 00:05:50,880
- Yes. Right above me.
- Right above you?

111
00:05:51,049 --> 00:05:53,279
- You're gonna be neighbours.
- I know. Neighbours.

112
00:05:53,449 --> 00:05:55,485
- She's right above you?
- Right above me.

113
00:05:55,649 --> 00:05:57,765
- How could you do that?
- Because I'm an idiot.

114
00:05:57,929 --> 00:05:59,965
You think you're an idiot,
but with all due respect...

115
00:06:00,129 --> 00:06:02,085
...I'm a much bigger idiot
than you are.

116
00:06:02,249 --> 00:06:04,888
Don't insult me, my friend.
Remember who you're talking to.

117
00:06:05,049 --> 00:06:06,562
No one's a bigger idiot than me.

118
00:06:06,729 --> 00:06:08,799
Ever ask an ex-girlfriend
to move into your building?

119
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:11,961
Ever go to a singles' weekend
in the Poconos?

120
00:06:12,249 --> 00:06:14,683
She's right in my building.
Right above me.

121
00:06:14,849 --> 00:06:17,761
Every time I come in, I'll have
to sneak around like a cat burglar.

122
00:06:17,929 --> 00:06:20,682
You're doomed. You'll have
all your sex at women's apartments.

123
00:06:20,849 --> 00:06:24,159
It'll be a permanent road trip. Forget
about the home-bed advantage.

124
00:06:24,329 --> 00:06:28,288
- But I need the home-bed advantage.
- Of course. We all do.

125
00:06:28,449 --> 00:06:31,885
- Come in for two minutes. Sit with me.
- I was just in there. It's embarrassing.

126
00:06:32,049 --> 00:06:34,085
Oh, who's gonna know?

127
00:06:34,249 --> 00:06:37,764
- They all saw me walk out.
- Two minutes.

128
00:06:42,249 --> 00:06:44,160
My censoring system broke down.

129
00:06:44,329 --> 00:06:47,765
You know that little guy in your head
who watches everything you say?

130
00:06:47,929 --> 00:06:52,002
He went for a cup of coffee.
And, in that second, ruined my life.

131
00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:54,081
My censor quit two years ago.

132
00:06:54,249 --> 00:06:57,480
Checked into a clinic,
emotionally exhausted.

133
00:06:57,769 --> 00:07:00,124
So is there any way out
of this Elaine thing?

134
00:07:00,289 --> 00:07:01,278
Tough.

135
00:07:01,449 --> 00:07:04,441
Water pressure's terrible in my
building. She loves a good shower.

136
00:07:04,609 --> 00:07:07,681
Never heard of anyone turning down an
apartment because of weak showers.

137
00:07:07,849 --> 00:07:09,760
If they were fanatic about showers,
they might.

138
00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:13,285
For that rent, she'd take a bath
in the toilet tank if she had to.

139
00:07:14,249 --> 00:07:16,126
Look at this woman
feeding her baby...

140
00:07:16,289 --> 00:07:19,838
...greasy, disgusting,
coffee-shop corned beef hash.

141
00:07:20,009 --> 00:07:21,840
Isn't that child abuse?

142
00:07:22,249 --> 00:07:23,443
I'd like to have a kid.

143
00:07:25,409 --> 00:07:27,798
Of course, you have
to have a date first.

144
00:07:28,329 --> 00:07:29,921
Remember my friend Adam
from Detroit?

145
00:07:30,089 --> 00:07:32,649
- Yeah, the guy with the flat head.
- He's a cube.

146
00:07:32,809 --> 00:07:34,686
Anyway, he got married
about six months ago.

147
00:07:34,849 --> 00:07:36,521
Ever since he's worn
a wedding band...

148
00:07:36,689 --> 00:07:38,759
...women have been coming on
to him everywhere.

149
00:07:38,929 --> 00:07:42,319
- I've heard that about wedding bands.
- I wonder if that's really true.

150
00:07:43,369 --> 00:07:45,405
That'd be an interesting
sociological experiment.

151
00:07:45,569 --> 00:07:48,288
You know, Kramer has his father's
band. He'd loan it to you.

152
00:07:55,369 --> 00:07:57,724
Hey, thanks a lot.
I'll give it back in a week.

153
00:07:57,889 --> 00:08:00,164
I don't know why you're fooling around
with this ring.

154
00:08:00,329 --> 00:08:02,968
I've been telling you,
get yourself some plugs...

155
00:08:03,129 --> 00:08:04,642
- ... or a piece.
- I'm not doing that.

156
00:08:04,809 --> 00:08:08,404
Oh, man. You know, you're crazy.
You're a good-looking guy.

157
00:08:08,569 --> 00:08:10,480
What do you want to walk around
like that for?

158
00:08:10,729 --> 00:08:13,926
No, I'll put a half a can of mousse
in my head like you.

159
00:08:17,929 --> 00:08:21,285
I told you I don't like these sponges.
They're too small.

160
00:08:21,449 --> 00:08:23,087
I want a big sponge!

161
00:08:25,689 --> 00:08:27,839
You can't pick up anything.
There's no absorption.

162
00:08:28,289 --> 00:08:30,598
Boys, boys.

163
00:08:31,049 --> 00:08:32,562
Hi, Jerry.

164
00:08:32,729 --> 00:08:34,606
Hello, Jerry.

165
00:08:37,009 --> 00:08:38,203
Okay.

166
00:08:39,169 --> 00:08:40,318
Okay.

167
00:08:41,449 --> 00:08:43,360
Your friend can't have
the apartment, Jerry.

168
00:08:43,529 --> 00:08:46,248
- What?
- Because somebody offered Manny...

169
00:08:46,409 --> 00:08:49,003
...$5000 for the apartment.

170
00:08:49,169 --> 00:08:51,319
I don't want to do it.
Manny wants to do it.

171
00:08:53,249 --> 00:08:55,160
Because it's true.
Why shouldn't I tell him?

172
00:08:55,329 --> 00:08:58,082
Hey, hey, I understand.
You're businessmen.

173
00:08:58,249 --> 00:08:59,477
Okay, okay.

174
00:09:04,209 --> 00:09:08,964
Now he says that if your friend
has $5000, we'll give it to her.

175
00:09:09,129 --> 00:09:10,278
That's a lot of money...

176
00:09:10,449 --> 00:09:14,203
...but if that's the way it's gotta be,
that's the way it's gotta be.

177
00:09:16,569 --> 00:09:19,925
You know, I used to think
that the universe...

178
00:09:20,089 --> 00:09:23,843
...is a random, chaotic sequence
of meaningless events.

179
00:09:24,609 --> 00:09:29,239
But I see now that there is reason
and purpose to all things.

180
00:09:29,409 --> 00:09:30,922
What happened to you?

181
00:09:31,329 --> 00:09:33,559
Religion, my friend.
That's what happened to me.

182
00:09:34,729 --> 00:09:37,926
Because I have just been informed
that it's going to cost Elaine...

183
00:09:38,089 --> 00:09:42,128
...the sum of $5000
to get the apartment upstairs.

184
00:09:42,289 --> 00:09:45,599
Five thousand dollars?
She doesn't have $5000.

185
00:09:45,769 --> 00:09:48,283
- Of course she doesn't.
- So she can't get the apartment.

186
00:09:48,449 --> 00:09:49,928
- Can't get it.
- She doesn't move in.

187
00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:51,568
No move.

188
00:09:51,729 --> 00:09:54,368
So you see?
It's all part of a divine plan.

189
00:09:55,049 --> 00:09:58,200
And how does the baldness
fit into that plan?

190
00:10:01,209 --> 00:10:03,439
- Elaine?
- Yeah.

191
00:10:05,729 --> 00:10:07,242
All right.

192
00:10:07,849 --> 00:10:10,283
This is gonna require
some great acting now.

193
00:10:10,449 --> 00:10:12,167
I have to pretend I'm disappointed.

194
00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:15,726
So you'll see me really being a phoney.
I hope you can take this.

195
00:10:15,889 --> 00:10:17,322
You should go in the other room.

196
00:10:17,489 --> 00:10:19,684
Are you kidding?
I lie every second of the day.

197
00:10:19,849 --> 00:10:22,124
My whole life is a sham.

198
00:10:22,929 --> 00:10:24,920
- Because I love Elaine.
- Of course you do.

199
00:10:25,089 --> 00:10:28,320
But, you know, not in the building.

200
00:10:28,489 --> 00:10:31,845
Really, I feel terrible about this.
My intentions were good.

201
00:10:32,009 --> 00:10:33,567
What can I do? Tell me.

202
00:10:33,729 --> 00:10:36,801
No. I'll be seeing you.

203
00:10:40,809 --> 00:10:44,085
Have you ever gotten up in the morning
and felt that it's great to be alive?

204
00:10:44,249 --> 00:10:49,084
That every breath is a gift
of sweet life from above.

205
00:10:56,249 --> 00:10:57,921
Before I forget...

206
00:10:58,089 --> 00:11:02,924
...I have the checks for the first month,
last month, security deposit.

207
00:11:04,209 --> 00:11:06,677
I have $75 left in my account.

208
00:11:08,409 --> 00:11:10,923
Well, there's a little bit of a problem.

209
00:11:11,089 --> 00:11:12,966
Oh, I know.
There's a weak shower spray.

210
00:11:13,129 --> 00:11:16,121
I've already thought about it.
I am switching to baths.

211
00:11:16,289 --> 00:11:19,361
Winston Churchill said,
"Why stand when you can sit?"

212
00:11:19,529 --> 00:11:21,406
Maybe I'll get some rubber duckies.

213
00:11:22,649 --> 00:11:28,326
No. Someone offered Harold
and Manny 5000 for the apartment.

214
00:11:28,489 --> 00:11:30,286
They'd just as soon give it to you...

215
00:11:30,449 --> 00:11:33,247
...but you would have to come up
with that money.

216
00:11:33,569 --> 00:11:36,083
Five thousand dollars?

217
00:11:36,289 --> 00:11:39,008
- I don't have $5000.
- I know.

218
00:11:39,689 --> 00:11:41,725
How am I gonna get $5000?

219
00:11:41,889 --> 00:11:43,959
I have no idea.

220
00:11:44,729 --> 00:11:46,845
Hey! My new neighbour.

221
00:11:47,489 --> 00:11:49,161
I'm not moving in.

222
00:11:49,329 --> 00:11:52,287
- What?
- They want $5000 now.

223
00:11:52,769 --> 00:11:55,647
So okay, what's the problem?

224
00:11:55,809 --> 00:11:57,800
I don't have $5000.

225
00:11:57,969 --> 00:12:00,802
Oh, come on!
You can come up with $5000.

226
00:12:00,969 --> 00:12:04,279
Jerry, you don't have $5000
you can lend her?

227
00:12:04,449 --> 00:12:05,802
Come on.

228
00:12:06,569 --> 00:12:08,685
Yeah, well, I didn't- I mean-

229
00:12:08,849 --> 00:12:10,680
Is that something
you want to borrow?

230
00:12:11,089 --> 00:12:14,047
No, that's too much money
to borrow.

231
00:12:14,209 --> 00:12:16,439
Loan her the money.
You can afford it.

232
00:12:16,609 --> 00:12:18,725
She doesn't want
to borrow the money.

233
00:12:18,889 --> 00:12:22,723
Oh, come on. She'll pay you back.
What's 5 grand between friends?

234
00:12:22,889 --> 00:12:24,641
- Of course I'd pay you back.
- Yeah.

235
00:12:24,809 --> 00:12:26,800
So, what's the problem?

236
00:12:26,969 --> 00:12:28,925
- Who said there's a problem?
- See?

237
00:12:29,089 --> 00:12:31,523
- He said he'd loan you the money.
- Well, now, Jerry...

238
00:12:31,689 --> 00:12:34,044
...it might take a while
for me to pay you back.

239
00:12:34,209 --> 00:12:36,404
Maybe a few years.
How do you feel about that?

240
00:12:36,569 --> 00:12:39,527
It's okay. He doesn't care.

241
00:12:41,289 --> 00:12:44,201
You know, money can sometimes
come between friends.

242
00:12:44,369 --> 00:12:46,758
- Get out of here.
- Well, let me think about it.

243
00:12:46,929 --> 00:12:50,968
- What's there to think about?
- I don't know. Five thousand?

244
00:12:51,129 --> 00:12:53,165
Let me just take one more look at it.

245
00:13:01,809 --> 00:13:03,322
It was all over.

246
00:13:03,489 --> 00:13:05,286
Taken care of. Done. Finished.

247
00:13:05,449 --> 00:13:08,964
Five thousand. Where was she gonna
get 5000? She doesn't have 5000.

248
00:13:09,129 --> 00:13:11,199
Clean. Goodbye. She's gone.

249
00:13:11,729 --> 00:13:13,765
Then you come in.
"Why don't you loan her 5000?

250
00:13:13,929 --> 00:13:17,763
What do you care? You got 5000.
Give her 5000!"

251
00:13:17,929 --> 00:13:21,080
- You didn't want her in the building?
- No, I didn't.

252
00:13:21,249 --> 00:13:24,958
Then what did you loan her
the $5000 for?

253
00:13:25,289 --> 00:13:27,200
Well, look, maybe she won't take it.

254
00:13:27,369 --> 00:13:30,247
She did say that she was
gonna think about it.

255
00:13:30,409 --> 00:13:34,004
People don't turn down money. It's
what separates us from the animals.

256
00:13:34,169 --> 00:13:37,798
Yeah, well, I don't understand what the
problem is having her in the building.

257
00:13:38,489 --> 00:13:40,480
Let me explain something to you.

258
00:13:40,969 --> 00:13:42,561
You see...

259
00:13:43,609 --> 00:13:44,962
...you're not normal.

260
00:13:45,769 --> 00:13:50,445
You're a great guy. I love you,
but you're a pod.

261
00:13:50,849 --> 00:13:52,646
I, on the other hand,
am a human being.

262
00:13:52,809 --> 00:13:55,039
I sometimes feel awkward,
uncomfortable...

263
00:13:55,209 --> 00:13:58,963
...even inhibited in certain situations
with the other human beings.

264
00:13:59,129 --> 00:14:01,962
- You wouldn't understand.
- Yeah. Because I'm a pod.

265
00:14:04,969 --> 00:14:06,766
I'll take it!

266
00:14:06,969 --> 00:14:08,322
No.

267
00:14:15,569 --> 00:14:17,685
- Hi, Elaine.
- Oh, hi, Roxanne.

268
00:14:17,849 --> 00:14:19,521
Nice to be here.
These are my friends.

269
00:14:19,689 --> 00:14:20,838
This is George.

270
00:14:21,009 --> 00:14:22,328
- And this is Jerry.
- Hi.

271
00:14:22,489 --> 00:14:24,639
Jerry's the one who got me
my new apartment.

272
00:14:25,609 --> 00:14:27,804
So you're Elaine's hero.

273
00:14:27,969 --> 00:14:29,641
Yes, it's my life's work.

274
00:14:30,329 --> 00:14:33,002
There are so few true heroes left
in this world.

275
00:14:33,169 --> 00:14:36,286
Yeah, my wife couldn't
make it today.

276
00:14:37,249 --> 00:14:41,162
She's got some thing with her mother.
Who knows what's going on with her?

277
00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:43,846
Don't let anybody kid you.

278
00:14:44,009 --> 00:14:45,681
It's tough.

279
00:14:48,449 --> 00:14:51,998
Well, better load up on some carbos
before the race.

280
00:14:52,169 --> 00:14:57,038
- Oh, the marathon is great, isn't it?
- Oh, yes. Particularly if you're not in it.

281
00:14:57,209 --> 00:14:59,769
- I wish we had a view of the finish line.
- What's to see?

282
00:14:59,929 --> 00:15:02,966
A woman from Norway, a guy
from Kenya and 20,000 losers.

283
00:15:05,609 --> 00:15:08,760
My wife started getting on me
about the lawn today.

284
00:15:08,929 --> 00:15:11,682
I tell you,
it's one thing after another.

285
00:15:11,849 --> 00:15:14,363
- Is she here?
- No, no, she's working.

286
00:15:14,529 --> 00:15:15,678
What does she do?

287
00:15:16,489 --> 00:15:21,927
She's an entomologist.
You know, bees, flies, gnats.

288
00:15:22,089 --> 00:15:23,522
What about you?

289
00:15:23,689 --> 00:15:26,249
I work for the director
of Madison Square Garden.

290
00:15:26,409 --> 00:15:29,719
It's great. I can get free tickets
to any sporting event in New York.

291
00:15:31,369 --> 00:15:35,044
Anyway, she's a very lucky woman.
Enjoy the race.

292
00:15:36,609 --> 00:15:37,598
But...

293
00:15:37,769 --> 00:15:40,329
Hi, Stan. Joanne. Come in.

294
00:15:40,489 --> 00:15:42,798
Oh, Jerry, this is Joanne
and this is Stan.

295
00:15:42,969 --> 00:15:45,642
They're in my short story class
with Roxanne and me.

296
00:15:45,809 --> 00:15:49,279
Hey, Jerry just got me
a great apartment in his building.

297
00:15:49,769 --> 00:15:53,000
Well, Jerry, it'll be nice
to have a close friend nearby.

298
00:15:53,169 --> 00:15:55,729
- Fantastic.
- She can pop in whenever she wants.

299
00:15:55,889 --> 00:15:57,117
I know.

300
00:15:57,289 --> 00:16:00,167
- She doesn't even need to knock.
- It's tremendous.

301
00:16:00,329 --> 00:16:03,480
- Any time of day.
- I'm in heaven.

302
00:16:03,649 --> 00:16:05,321
Oh, Rita. Rita, come here.

303
00:16:05,489 --> 00:16:08,686
This is Jerry. He's the one
who got me the apartment.

304
00:16:08,849 --> 00:16:10,043
Oh, hi.

305
00:16:10,209 --> 00:16:14,964
Bob, this is the guy
who got Elaine her apartment.

306
00:16:18,569 --> 00:16:22,562
I'm sorry, I just don't see the big deal
about being a matador.

307
00:16:22,729 --> 00:16:25,323
I mean, the bull charges,
you move the cape...

308
00:16:25,489 --> 00:16:27,161
...what's so hard?

309
00:16:28,169 --> 00:16:30,239
So are you really married?

310
00:16:30,409 --> 00:16:34,561
I've actually heard of single guys who
wear wedding bands to attract women.

311
00:16:37,129 --> 00:16:41,281
You would have to be a real loser
to try something like that.

312
00:16:41,449 --> 00:16:43,519
That's too bad...

313
00:16:43,689 --> 00:16:46,886
...because I really have a thing
for bald guys with glasses.

314
00:16:53,289 --> 00:16:54,881
Hey, everybody,
here come the runners.

315
00:16:55,049 --> 00:16:56,801
Oh, excuse me.

316
00:16:59,489 --> 00:17:02,322
So you and Roxanne
are hitting it off, huh?

317
00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:04,207
- I wouldn't quite say that.
- Really?

318
00:17:04,369 --> 00:17:06,564
From a distance,
you seemed to be coming on to her.

319
00:17:06,729 --> 00:17:09,448
Oh, I'm a guy.
It always looks like that.

320
00:17:10,009 --> 00:17:12,079
Because I was thinking...

321
00:17:12,249 --> 00:17:16,083
...are you at all concerned
that living in the same building...

322
00:17:16,249 --> 00:17:19,559
...will, you know, cramp our styles?

323
00:17:19,729 --> 00:17:22,766
Because I was worried
that there might be a situation...

324
00:17:22,929 --> 00:17:25,318
...in which one of us came home
with somebody.

325
00:17:25,489 --> 00:17:27,241
It could get a little uncomfortable.

326
00:17:27,489 --> 00:17:29,957
But as long as you're okay with it,
it's fine with me.

327
00:17:33,369 --> 00:17:35,837
I've never been able to be
with just one person.

328
00:17:36,649 --> 00:17:40,198
I can, however, carry on
strictly physical relationships...

329
00:17:40,369 --> 00:17:43,247
...which can last
for years and years.

330
00:17:43,409 --> 00:17:44,637
It's a shame you're married.

331
00:17:47,849 --> 00:17:49,328
I'm not.

332
00:17:49,489 --> 00:17:53,767
- It's just a sociological experiment.
- Please.

333
00:18:03,849 --> 00:18:07,364
You have no idea what an idiot is.

334
00:18:07,529 --> 00:18:11,363
Elaine just gave me a chance
to get out, and I didn't take it.

335
00:18:11,529 --> 00:18:13,326
This is an idiot.

336
00:18:13,689 --> 00:18:15,327
Is that right?

337
00:18:16,729 --> 00:18:21,007
I just threw away a lifetime
of guilt-free sex...

338
00:18:21,169 --> 00:18:25,924
...and floor seats for every sporting
event in Madison Square Garden.

339
00:18:26,089 --> 00:18:29,126
So, please, a little respect.

340
00:18:29,649 --> 00:18:34,404
For I am Costanza, lord of the idiots.

341
00:18:36,129 --> 00:18:38,438
You're all winners!

342
00:18:40,329 --> 00:18:44,004
But, suddenly,
a new contender has emerged.

343
00:18:47,929 --> 00:18:50,489
George, I didn't sleep at all
last night.

344
00:18:50,649 --> 00:18:52,480
I decided I have to tell her.

345
00:18:52,649 --> 00:18:54,958
I'm just gonna be honest, that's all.

346
00:18:55,129 --> 00:18:57,199
Yes, I'm nervous.

347
00:18:57,369 --> 00:18:59,678
Are you listening to me?

348
00:19:00,209 --> 00:19:04,168
Just put some soap on your finger.
It'll slide right off.

349
00:19:04,569 --> 00:19:06,719
Well, then try axle grease.

350
00:19:07,329 --> 00:19:09,968
I'll call you back after I talk to her.

351
00:19:10,729 --> 00:19:12,447
Well...

352
00:19:12,969 --> 00:19:15,358
...it's all taken care of.

353
00:19:16,009 --> 00:19:17,920
Everything's cool.

354
00:19:18,569 --> 00:19:21,242
- What? What's cool?
- Elaine.

355
00:19:21,969 --> 00:19:23,197
What are you talking about?

356
00:19:23,369 --> 00:19:27,203
I just found a guy who's willing to pay
$10,000 for the apartment.

357
00:19:27,369 --> 00:19:29,007
You what? Get out!

358
00:19:29,169 --> 00:19:31,046
- Ten thousand?
- Cash!

359
00:19:31,209 --> 00:19:33,882
- Who would pay that much?
- He's in the music business.

360
00:19:34,049 --> 00:19:37,928
Elaine would never borrow that much
money. Kramer, my God, man.

361
00:19:38,089 --> 00:19:40,649
This is beautiful.
I think I'm in the clear here.

362
00:19:40,809 --> 00:19:42,083
Elaine's not moving in.

363
00:19:42,809 --> 00:19:46,722
I don't have to confront her. She has
no idea I never wanted her to move in.

364
00:19:46,889 --> 00:19:47,878
I'm golden.

365
00:19:48,049 --> 00:19:51,519
Well, occasionally,
I like to help the humans.

366
00:20:01,249 --> 00:20:04,525
- Wow, you're right, that is loud.
- It's just unbelievable.

367
00:20:04,689 --> 00:20:06,600
- They rehearse all the time?
- All the time.

368
00:20:06,769 --> 00:20:09,602
I've been up there six times.
They refuse to stop.

369
00:20:09,769 --> 00:20:13,125
I can't live like this. I don't know what
to do. I'm headed for a breakdown.

370
00:20:13,289 --> 00:20:15,723
- Can't you do something?
- I'm not going up.

371
00:20:15,889 --> 00:20:17,607
- It stinks up there.
- Manny?

372
00:20:22,849 --> 00:20:26,046
I'm not the one who said
they could play till 11:00.

373
00:20:26,209 --> 00:20:27,528
He makes up his own rules.

374
00:20:27,689 --> 00:20:30,886
Boy, too bad. If I was up there,
you'd never hear a peep out of me.

375
00:20:31,049 --> 00:20:34,121
- I'm as quiet as a mouse.
- Hey.

376
00:20:35,969 --> 00:20:38,403
I love the one they do
right after this one.

377
00:20:39,529 --> 00:20:40,962
What do you do when a neighbour...

378
00:20:41,129 --> 00:20:44,007
...is making a lot of noise
at 3:00 in the morning?

379
00:20:44,169 --> 00:20:46,842
Can you knock on someone's door
and tell them to keep it down?

380
00:20:47,009 --> 00:20:49,125
You're really altering
your whole self-image.

381
00:20:49,289 --> 00:20:52,042
What am I, Fred Mertz now?
What's happening to me?

382
00:20:52,209 --> 00:20:55,997
Can I do this? Am I a shusher?
I used to be a shushee.

383
00:20:56,329 --> 00:20:59,366
There's a lot of shushing in movie
theatres. People are always shushing.

384
00:21:02,129 --> 00:21:04,245
Doesn't work. Nobody knows
where it's coming from.

385
00:21:04,409 --> 00:21:06,877
They just hear- "Was that a shush?
I think somebody shushed me?"

386
00:21:07,049 --> 00:21:10,246
Some people you can't shush.
There's always a certain group.

387
00:21:10,409 --> 00:21:12,798
They're talking. Everyone
around them is shushing them.

388
00:21:12,969 --> 00:21:16,086
They won't shush.
They're the unshushables.

389
00:22:02,529 --> 00:22:04,520
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