1
00:00:02,449 --> 00:00:06,647
I have to tell you that I did get
some very exciting news recently.

2
00:00:08,169 --> 00:00:11,479
I don't know if I should tell you
what it is, because it's not definite yet.

3
00:00:11,649 --> 00:00:13,685
- Come on!
- Come on!

4
00:00:13,849 --> 00:00:16,409
Well, I will tell you
what I do know so far.

5
00:00:16,569 --> 00:00:20,562
According to the information that
I have in the envelope that I received...

6
00:00:20,729 --> 00:00:22,606
...it seems...

7
00:00:22,809 --> 00:00:26,040
...that I may have already won
some very valuable prizes.

8
00:00:26,609 --> 00:00:28,281
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.

9
00:00:28,449 --> 00:00:30,758
Well, thank you.
It's very nice to hear that.

10
00:00:30,929 --> 00:00:33,318
But in all honesty...

11
00:00:33,489 --> 00:00:37,323
...I have to say, I didn't even know
I was in this thing.

12
00:00:37,809 --> 00:00:39,720
But according to the readout...

13
00:00:39,889 --> 00:00:43,723
...it looks like I am among the top
people that they are considering.

14
00:00:43,889 --> 00:00:45,447
That annoys me about sweepstakes.

15
00:00:45,609 --> 00:00:47,679
They tease you with,
"You may have already won."

16
00:00:47,849 --> 00:00:50,317
I'd like once for a sweepstakes
company to have some guts.

17
00:00:50,489 --> 00:00:52,844
Just tell people the truth one time.
Send out envelopes:

18
00:00:53,129 --> 00:00:55,643
"You have definitely lost."

19
00:00:56,689 --> 00:00:58,122
You turn it over, giant printing:

20
00:00:58,289 --> 00:01:00,484
"Not even close."

21
00:01:00,649 --> 00:01:02,605
You open it,
there's a letter of explanation:

22
00:01:02,769 --> 00:01:05,806
"Even we cannot believe how badly
you've done in this contest."

23
00:01:16,529 --> 00:01:18,520
To the right.

24
00:01:20,609 --> 00:01:21,803
Boy, that took a while.

25
00:01:22,289 --> 00:01:25,326
- Don't get up.
- I'd like to help, but my neck...

26
00:01:26,609 --> 00:01:28,645
So how long has it been
in the basement?

27
00:01:28,929 --> 00:01:30,123
Since my grandfather died.

28
00:01:30,289 --> 00:01:33,167
I was supposed to send it
to my parents, but they didn't want it.

29
00:01:33,329 --> 00:01:35,160
They said get rid of it,
but I felt funny.

30
00:01:35,329 --> 00:01:38,287
And then I forgot about it.
It's been sitting there for three years...

31
00:01:38,449 --> 00:01:40,201
...until he saw it.

32
00:01:40,529 --> 00:01:43,566
All right, so just take what you want,
and let's get it out of here.

33
00:01:44,849 --> 00:01:45,998
What's in it?

34
00:01:46,169 --> 00:01:48,160
Grandpa clothes. I can't wear them.

35
00:01:49,409 --> 00:01:52,367
You want these? Knee socks.
You don't wear knee socks.

36
00:01:52,649 --> 00:01:54,526
No. Go ahead.

37
00:01:56,049 --> 00:01:58,244
Look at this place.
I can't wait to get it cleaned.

38
00:01:58,609 --> 00:02:00,042
I know somebody who'll do it.

39
00:02:00,209 --> 00:02:01,483
She's good, she's honest...

40
00:02:01,849 --> 00:02:05,967
No, Elaine's got this writer friend
from Finland. Rava.

41
00:02:06,129 --> 00:02:08,518
Her boyfriend goes to
Columbia grad school.

42
00:02:08,689 --> 00:02:09,883
And he's supposed to do it.

43
00:02:10,409 --> 00:02:13,481
Students can't clean. It's anathema.

44
00:02:15,089 --> 00:02:16,522
They don't like it.

45
00:02:17,169 --> 00:02:19,808
How long you been waiting to squeeze
that into a conversation?

46
00:02:22,689 --> 00:02:24,202
Now, this, I like.

47
00:02:28,449 --> 00:02:30,167
Wait a second.

48
00:02:30,889 --> 00:02:32,038
I can't believe this.

49
00:02:33,009 --> 00:02:34,237
- Let me see this.
- Wait, wait.

50
00:02:34,409 --> 00:02:37,640
- Let me just see it for a second.
- No. Come on, come on.

51
00:02:38,609 --> 00:02:41,362
- Oh, my God. It's exactly the same.
- What?

52
00:02:41,729 --> 00:02:44,562
When I was 10 years old, my parents
had this very same statue...

53
00:02:44,729 --> 00:02:46,924
...on the mantel
of our apartment. Exactly.

54
00:02:47,089 --> 00:02:50,286
And one day I grabbed it,
I was using it as a microphone.

55
00:02:50,449 --> 00:02:52,440
I was singing "MacArthur Park."

56
00:02:52,609 --> 00:02:55,407
And I got to the part about,
"I'll never have the recipe again"...

57
00:02:55,569 --> 00:02:57,480
...and it slipped out my hand,
and it broke.

58
00:02:57,649 --> 00:03:00,959
My parents looked at me like
I smashed the Ten Commandments.

59
00:03:01,129 --> 00:03:02,960
To this day, they bring it up.

60
00:03:03,129 --> 00:03:05,927
It was the single most damaging
experience of my life.

61
00:03:06,089 --> 00:03:08,808
Aside from seeing my father naked.

62
00:03:10,049 --> 00:03:12,847
- Come on, I saw it first.
- Kramer, I have to have the statue.

63
00:03:13,009 --> 00:03:15,364
- I got dibs.
- No dibs. I need the statue. Give it!

64
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,281
Spread out.

65
00:03:17,449 --> 00:03:19,963
You numbskulls.

66
00:03:20,929 --> 00:03:23,648
Why don't you just settle it
like mature adults?

67
00:03:24,049 --> 00:03:26,040
- Potato man.
- No, no.

68
00:03:26,409 --> 00:03:29,162
No potato man. Inka-dink.

69
00:03:33,929 --> 00:03:35,328
Okay.

70
00:03:35,489 --> 00:03:38,401
- Yeah, start with me.
- Yeah. Good, good.

71
00:03:38,809 --> 00:03:43,087
Inka-dink, a bottle of ink
The cork fel out, and you stink

72
00:03:43,249 --> 00:03:45,399
Not because you're dirty
Not because you're clean

73
00:03:45,569 --> 00:03:48,925
Just because you kissed a girl
Behind the magazine

74
00:03:49,449 --> 00:03:52,122
- And you are...
- Wait a minute. No.

75
00:03:52,289 --> 00:03:53,722
- ... it
- What? What are you doing?

76
00:03:54,009 --> 00:03:56,762
No, no. Oh, okay. All right.
He's out, I get it.

77
00:03:56,929 --> 00:03:59,397
- No, no, no. I'm it. I win.
- No.

78
00:03:59,569 --> 00:04:01,366
He's it. He wins.

79
00:04:01,529 --> 00:04:02,723
It is good.

80
00:04:05,889 --> 00:04:07,208
Do over. Start with him.

81
00:04:07,369 --> 00:04:08,643
No, no.

82
00:04:08,809 --> 00:04:11,084
Come on, Kramer.
Now, you got the socks.

83
00:04:13,329 --> 00:04:15,638
All right, you can have it.

84
00:04:17,089 --> 00:04:19,762
Okay. I'm gonna take the suit...

85
00:04:19,929 --> 00:04:22,397
...and shoes...

86
00:04:22,569 --> 00:04:24,161
- ... and the hat.
- All right. Let's go.

87
00:04:24,409 --> 00:04:27,719
Hey, I look like Joe Friday
in Dragnet.

88
00:04:29,809 --> 00:04:32,528
I can't believe I won at inka-dink.

89
00:04:33,369 --> 00:04:35,087
- Come on, let's go.
- Yeah.

90
00:04:36,689 --> 00:04:39,249
- Aren't you gonna take it?
- I don't wanna carry it around.

91
00:04:39,409 --> 00:04:40,603
I'll pick it up later.

92
00:04:40,769 --> 00:04:42,600
What about your stuff?

93
00:04:42,769 --> 00:04:43,963
Okay.

94
00:04:49,169 --> 00:04:51,967
All right, let's go. Hey...
You know, you owe me one.

95
00:04:52,129 --> 00:04:54,723
- What?
- The inka-dink. You were it.

96
00:04:54,889 --> 00:04:57,961
- It's bad?
- It's very bad.

97
00:05:00,449 --> 00:05:02,440
If they don't let you be
my editor on this...

98
00:05:02,609 --> 00:05:05,169
...I go to another publisher.
It's that simple.

99
00:05:05,609 --> 00:05:07,486
- You told them that?
- Of course.

100
00:05:07,649 --> 00:05:10,925
Oh, this is so fantastic.
I don't know how to thank you.

101
00:05:11,409 --> 00:05:14,560
Where's this boyfriend of yours?
I can't wait much longer, I got a flight.

102
00:05:14,729 --> 00:05:16,128
He's probably caught in traffic.

103
00:05:16,289 --> 00:05:17,927
Or maybe he's dead.

104
00:05:18,609 --> 00:05:20,520
So, what do you write,
children's books?

105
00:05:22,249 --> 00:05:24,240
That's Ray.

106
00:05:26,529 --> 00:05:28,997
Greetings. Greetings and salutations.

107
00:05:29,169 --> 00:05:31,478
I beg your forgiveness.
My tardiness was unavoidable.

108
00:05:31,889 --> 00:05:33,800
Rava, my love.

109
00:05:34,289 --> 00:05:35,608
Elaine, dear friend.

110
00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:38,727
And you must be Jerry,
lord of the manor.

111
00:05:38,889 --> 00:05:40,800
My liege. A pleasure to serve you.

112
00:05:43,049 --> 00:05:44,198
All right.

113
00:05:45,089 --> 00:05:47,045
Well, we have to get back to work.

114
00:05:47,689 --> 00:05:48,963
I gotta get to the airport.

115
00:05:49,249 --> 00:05:51,558
Your palace shall sparkle
like the stars in heaven...

116
00:05:51,729 --> 00:05:53,162
...upon your safe arrival, sire.

117
00:05:54,609 --> 00:05:57,442
The toilet brush is under the sink.

118
00:05:58,449 --> 00:06:00,405
I don't feel comfortable
with a maid either.

119
00:06:00,569 --> 00:06:02,924
There's that guilt when someone's
cleaning your house.

120
00:06:03,089 --> 00:06:05,478
You're sitting on the sofa,
they go by with the vacuum.

121
00:06:05,649 --> 00:06:07,765
"I'm really sorry about this.

122
00:06:07,929 --> 00:06:10,045
I don't know why I left
that stuff over there."

123
00:06:11,569 --> 00:06:14,561
That's why I could never be a maid.
I would have that attitude.

124
00:06:14,729 --> 00:06:18,608
I'd find them, wherever they are.
"I suppose you couldn't do this.

125
00:06:19,329 --> 00:06:23,083
No, don't get up.
Let me clean up your filth.

126
00:06:24,049 --> 00:06:27,121
No, you couldn't dust.
Oh, this is too tough, isn't it?"

127
00:06:28,809 --> 00:06:30,367
He really did an amazing job. Look.

128
00:06:30,529 --> 00:06:33,327
He uncoagulated
the top of the dishwashing liquid.

129
00:06:34,729 --> 00:06:38,358
He cleaned out the bottom
of the little egg cups.

130
00:06:38,529 --> 00:06:39,928
Come here, look at this.

131
00:06:41,129 --> 00:06:43,404
He cleaned in the little one-inch area...

132
00:06:43,569 --> 00:06:46,288
...between the refrigerator
and the counter.

133
00:06:46,449 --> 00:06:48,644
How'd he get in there?

134
00:06:48,849 --> 00:06:50,919
He must be like Rubber Man.

135
00:06:51,129 --> 00:06:52,323
There's no Rubber Man.

136
00:06:54,169 --> 00:06:56,524
Why did I think there was
a Rubber Man?

137
00:06:57,809 --> 00:06:59,879
There's Elastic Man, Plastic Man...

138
00:07:00,769 --> 00:07:02,407
- I'm leaving.
- Where are you going?

139
00:07:02,569 --> 00:07:04,366
To Rava's. I gotta
pick up her manuscript.

140
00:07:04,529 --> 00:07:07,089
- Oh, wait, I'll go with you.
- Okay.

141
00:07:09,009 --> 00:07:12,797
Elaine, he Windexed
the little peephole.

142
00:07:15,609 --> 00:07:17,679
So the meeting with Lippman
is all set.

143
00:07:17,849 --> 00:07:19,567
He's the editor in chief.

144
00:07:19,729 --> 00:07:22,289
- I think because of your request.
- Demand.

145
00:07:23,009 --> 00:07:25,159
They're gonna promote me to editor.

146
00:07:25,329 --> 00:07:27,206
Darn tooting.

147
00:07:27,649 --> 00:07:30,800
There's Ray, late as usual.

148
00:07:31,609 --> 00:07:32,962
Well.

149
00:07:33,129 --> 00:07:36,041
This is an unexpected surprise.
And delight.

150
00:07:36,209 --> 00:07:38,564
The once and future king of comedy,
Jerry the first...

151
00:07:38,729 --> 00:07:39,957
...gracing our humble abode.

152
00:07:40,489 --> 00:07:42,605
Rava, we are in the presence
of royalty.

153
00:07:42,769 --> 00:07:43,997
Hey, Ray, listen.

154
00:07:44,169 --> 00:07:46,603
You really did a tremendous job
cleaning that apartment.

155
00:07:46,769 --> 00:07:48,566
But I didn't just clean
your apartment.

156
00:07:48,729 --> 00:07:50,799
It was a ritual, a ceremony.

157
00:07:50,969 --> 00:07:52,448
A celebration of life.

158
00:07:53,289 --> 00:07:55,883
Shouldn't you be
out on a ledge somewhere?

159
00:07:57,729 --> 00:07:58,923
He's funny.

160
00:07:59,089 --> 00:08:01,125
- Water's boiling. Are we having tea?
- Yes.

161
00:08:01,289 --> 00:08:03,325
Yes. Jerry?

162
00:08:05,409 --> 00:08:06,762
- Jerry.
- What?

163
00:08:06,929 --> 00:08:09,489
Ray, would you give me
a hand, please?

164
00:08:10,129 --> 00:08:12,404
Yeah, I'm coming.

165
00:08:20,929 --> 00:08:23,318
I think that's the statue
from my house.

166
00:08:23,489 --> 00:08:25,480
That looks like the statue
from my house.

167
00:08:26,609 --> 00:08:28,918
- What statue?
- I had a statue.

168
00:08:29,089 --> 00:08:30,442
You do? I never saw a statue.

169
00:08:30,609 --> 00:08:32,201
My grandfather gave me a statue.

170
00:08:32,369 --> 00:08:34,678
- Since when?
- What's the difference? That's the one.

171
00:08:34,849 --> 00:08:37,158
He ripped me off.
This guy ripped me off.

172
00:08:38,609 --> 00:08:39,837
Do you take sugar?

173
00:08:40,009 --> 00:08:42,000
- No.
- No.

174
00:08:43,249 --> 00:08:45,001
I can't believe it.
This guy ripped me off.

175
00:08:45,169 --> 00:08:48,161
- Do you realize what you're saying?
- Yes, this guy ripped me off.

176
00:08:48,329 --> 00:08:50,160
He stole that statue
right out of my house.

177
00:08:50,329 --> 00:08:52,206
Lemon?

178
00:08:52,369 --> 00:08:54,405
- Sure.
- Yeah.

179
00:08:55,609 --> 00:08:57,486
- Are you sure?
- Pretty sure.

180
00:08:59,089 --> 00:09:02,764
-99-percent sure.
-99-percent sure?

181
00:09:02,929 --> 00:09:07,957
Sweet elixir, its fragrant nectar
a soothing balm for the soul.

182
00:09:09,529 --> 00:09:11,360
Those are the pastries.
Take care of that.

183
00:09:11,529 --> 00:09:13,440
I'm gonna get Elaine the manuscript.

184
00:09:13,609 --> 00:09:15,600
The pastries.

185
00:09:19,049 --> 00:09:21,165
Maybe it just looks the same.
It's a coincidence.

186
00:09:21,329 --> 00:09:24,048
Coincidence? This guy's in
my apartment, and by coincidence...

187
00:09:24,209 --> 00:09:26,359
...he has the exact same statue
in his apartment?

188
00:09:26,529 --> 00:09:29,601
- I never saw any statue.
- I had a statue.

189
00:09:30,009 --> 00:09:31,920
What should I do?

190
00:09:32,089 --> 00:09:34,000
I'll call Kramer.
He can check my house.

191
00:09:34,169 --> 00:09:35,807
Oh, Jerry.

192
00:09:35,969 --> 00:09:39,723
- Don't blow this for me.
- Don't worry.

193
00:09:40,809 --> 00:09:43,118
Kramer.

194
00:09:43,289 --> 00:09:45,803
It's Jerry. Jerry.

195
00:09:45,969 --> 00:09:49,086
From next door.
Never mind where I am.

196
00:09:49,249 --> 00:09:51,319
Yes, Jerry Seinfeld.

197
00:09:53,409 --> 00:09:55,161
Ma, I told you...

198
00:09:55,329 --> 00:09:58,048
...just dip the bread in the batter...

199
00:09:58,209 --> 00:10:00,200
...and put it in the pan.

200
00:10:00,689 --> 00:10:03,362
Okay, bye. My mother.

201
00:10:03,529 --> 00:10:06,407
She forgot how to make
French toast.

202
00:10:06,569 --> 00:10:07,718
You know how mothers are.

203
00:10:08,249 --> 00:10:10,399
My mother left us
when I was 6 years old.

204
00:10:10,569 --> 00:10:12,764
All seven of us.
We never heard from her again.

205
00:10:12,929 --> 00:10:14,999
I hope she's rotting
in an alley somewhere.

206
00:10:19,249 --> 00:10:21,717
My mom's down in Florida.

207
00:10:21,889 --> 00:10:24,722
She's got one of those condos.

208
00:10:24,889 --> 00:10:27,562
Hot down there in the summer.
You ever been down there?

209
00:10:28,329 --> 00:10:29,887
I love these pastries.

210
00:10:30,049 --> 00:10:32,961
In Scandinavian mythology,
the pastries were the food of the gods.

211
00:10:33,169 --> 00:10:37,242
Listen, I just remembered, I'm...

212
00:10:37,409 --> 00:10:38,683
...getting a facial.

213
00:10:38,849 --> 00:10:41,568
Oh, I'll see you tomorrow morning.

214
00:10:41,929 --> 00:10:43,806
- How about dinner?
- No, I don't eat dinner.

215
00:10:43,969 --> 00:10:46,085
Dinner's for suckers.

216
00:10:49,769 --> 00:10:51,088
Yeah, okay.

217
00:10:51,249 --> 00:10:53,001
Thanks anyway. Bye.

218
00:10:53,409 --> 00:10:54,603
Nope.

219
00:10:54,769 --> 00:10:57,806
Cop says it's my word against his.
There's nothing they can do.

220
00:10:58,329 --> 00:10:59,523
Let's go get him.

221
00:10:59,689 --> 00:11:01,964
- Yeah, right.
- We can't let him get away with this.

222
00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:04,199
You realize how crazy
he had to be to do this?

223
00:11:04,609 --> 00:11:07,169
He knew I was gonna know
it's missing and that he took it.

224
00:11:07,329 --> 00:11:08,648
And of all things to take.

225
00:11:08,809 --> 00:11:11,721
I left my watch, tape recorder, stereo.
He's crazy.

226
00:11:12,329 --> 00:11:13,648
You wanna go get him?

227
00:11:14,369 --> 00:11:16,200
If he's crazy,
you should just forget it.

228
00:11:16,409 --> 00:11:17,603
Forget it?

229
00:11:17,769 --> 00:11:19,725
I already called my parents.

230
00:11:19,889 --> 00:11:22,198
I told them to expect
the surprise of a lifetime.

231
00:11:22,369 --> 00:11:24,758
My mother's making
her roasted potatoes.

232
00:11:24,929 --> 00:11:27,045
George, do you realize...

233
00:11:27,209 --> 00:11:30,440
...that Rava has asked me
to edit her book?

234
00:11:30,689 --> 00:11:32,042
Who is this Rava?

235
00:11:32,529 --> 00:11:34,121
I say we get him.

236
00:11:34,289 --> 00:11:37,406
- Let me just call him.
- I'll call him.

237
00:11:45,289 --> 00:11:46,438
Hello, Ray?

238
00:11:46,609 --> 00:11:49,760
Hi, Ray. This is Rava's friend,
Elaine's friend, Jerry.

239
00:11:49,929 --> 00:11:51,726
Yeah, the king of comedy, right.

240
00:11:51,889 --> 00:11:54,767
Listen, you know that statue
on your mantel...

241
00:11:54,929 --> 00:11:58,763
...the one with-? The blue lady?
Would you shut up?!

242
00:12:00,889 --> 00:12:03,847
Yeah. Oh, you don't want to talk
about it over the phone.

243
00:12:04,129 --> 00:12:06,324
You don't want Rava to hear.

244
00:12:06,489 --> 00:12:08,002
Yeah, I understand.

245
00:12:08,169 --> 00:12:10,125
You know the coffee shop
near my house, Monk's?

246
00:12:10,809 --> 00:12:13,403
All right, tomorrow, 1:00.

247
00:12:13,569 --> 00:12:14,843
Great. Okay, bye.

248
00:12:17,329 --> 00:12:18,887
All right, look. Look, look.

249
00:12:19,049 --> 00:12:21,483
- Let's say he stole it.
- Oh, he stole it.

250
00:12:22,369 --> 00:12:23,722
You can't do anything about it.

251
00:12:23,889 --> 00:12:25,481
The cops won't do anything.

252
00:12:25,649 --> 00:12:29,767
What, are you gonna go fight him?
Why don't you just forget it.

253
00:12:31,809 --> 00:12:33,162
- No.
- No.

254
00:12:41,049 --> 00:12:42,277
Thought you said 1:00.

255
00:12:42,449 --> 00:12:45,566
Relax. He's late. He's always late.
It's part of his m. o.

256
00:12:46,049 --> 00:12:47,402
Remember, don't take any crap.

257
00:12:47,569 --> 00:12:49,287
Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it.

258
00:12:49,449 --> 00:12:51,167
- I'll be right here.
- That's comforting.

259
00:12:51,369 --> 00:12:53,325
He's coming.

260
00:12:53,529 --> 00:12:54,848
Ray.

261
00:12:55,009 --> 00:12:56,681
Jerry.

262
00:12:57,329 --> 00:12:59,889
I can't believe you asked me
about that statue.

263
00:13:00,049 --> 00:13:02,244
You know how much trouble
you could've gotten me in?

264
00:13:02,409 --> 00:13:04,969
- Well, I-
- Rava was standing right next to me.

265
00:13:05,129 --> 00:13:07,085
I never told her
where I got the statue.

266
00:13:07,249 --> 00:13:09,319
- I wonder why.
- Well, just give it back...

267
00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:10,763
...and I won't say anything.

268
00:13:11,009 --> 00:13:13,477
- Give it back?
- Yeah.

269
00:13:13,649 --> 00:13:15,924
- What are you talking about?
- What's he talking about?

270
00:13:16,089 --> 00:13:18,045
- I'm talking about the statue.
- Yeah, me too.

271
00:13:18,289 --> 00:13:20,007
- Give it back to whom?
- Me.

272
00:13:20,529 --> 00:13:21,803
- You?
- Yeah, me.

273
00:13:22,129 --> 00:13:24,359
- I'm not getting this.
- You already got it.

274
00:13:24,529 --> 00:13:27,965
Ray, I had a statue in my house.

275
00:13:28,129 --> 00:13:29,608
You were in my house.

276
00:13:29,769 --> 00:13:31,487
And then I saw it in your house.

277
00:13:31,889 --> 00:13:33,800
- What are you saying?
- What am I saying?

278
00:13:33,969 --> 00:13:35,880
Take a wild guess.

279
00:13:36,609 --> 00:13:38,600
Are you saying I stole your statue?

280
00:13:38,769 --> 00:13:40,999
- What a mind.
- Well, I-

281
00:13:41,169 --> 00:13:44,684
- I can't believe what I'm hearing.
- I can't believe what I'm hearing.

282
00:13:44,849 --> 00:13:47,522
For your information,
I got that statue in a pawnshop.

283
00:13:47,729 --> 00:13:49,242
- Pawnshop?
- A pawnshop?

284
00:13:49,409 --> 00:13:51,877
In Chinatown, with money I earned
cleaning apartments.

285
00:13:52,049 --> 00:13:54,438
- Cleaning them out.
- Oh, excuse me.

286
00:13:54,609 --> 00:13:55,644
Yeah.

287
00:13:56,209 --> 00:13:59,201
Look, Ray, you were the only person
in my house.

288
00:13:59,529 --> 00:14:02,123
What's behind this?
It's Rava, isn't it?

289
00:14:02,289 --> 00:14:03,483
Again with the Rava.

290
00:14:03,649 --> 00:14:06,721
- You want her.
- No, she's a little too cheery for me.

291
00:14:06,889 --> 00:14:09,961
She's from Finland, for crying out
loud. Finland! Do you understand?

292
00:14:10,129 --> 00:14:11,562
I know Finland. They're neutral.

293
00:14:11,729 --> 00:14:14,289
Is it me?
Do I rub you the wrong way?

294
00:14:14,449 --> 00:14:17,486
No, actually, I find you quite charming.
A bit verbose at times.

295
00:14:17,649 --> 00:14:20,482
"I find you so charming."You wuss.

296
00:14:20,849 --> 00:14:22,999
- Did you call me a wuss?
- What did you say?

297
00:14:24,089 --> 00:14:26,603
I said, "luss."

298
00:14:26,769 --> 00:14:29,078
I'm at a "luss."

299
00:14:29,249 --> 00:14:31,479
I'd love to take you to the pawnshop
where I got it.

300
00:14:31,649 --> 00:14:33,002
That's not necessary.

301
00:14:36,369 --> 00:14:38,564
You know, maybe it's not
that bad an idea.

302
00:14:38,849 --> 00:14:41,443
And I would love to.
Nothing would please me more.

303
00:14:41,609 --> 00:14:44,043
But unfortunately, the guy retired
and moved to Singapore.

304
00:14:44,209 --> 00:14:45,801
Singapore? Do you hear this?

305
00:14:45,969 --> 00:14:48,847
If you really want, maybe I can
contact the guy in Singapore.

306
00:14:49,009 --> 00:14:51,125
Have him make a Photostat
of the receipt...

307
00:14:51,289 --> 00:14:53,120
- ... and send it over.
- That's it.

308
00:14:53,289 --> 00:14:55,519
That's it! I can't take it.
I can't take it anymore!

309
00:14:55,689 --> 00:14:58,123
You stole the statue!
You're a thief! You're a liar!

310
00:14:58,289 --> 00:14:59,244
- George.
- Who is this?

311
00:14:59,409 --> 00:15:02,924
I'm the judge and the jury, pal.
And the verdict is, guilty!

312
00:15:03,089 --> 00:15:04,522
- What is going on here?
- Guilty!

313
00:15:04,689 --> 00:15:06,441
- Your friend is crazy.
- Oh, I'm crazy!

314
00:15:06,609 --> 00:15:09,169
- George, George.
- I've gotta get going. I have a class.

315
00:15:09,329 --> 00:15:11,968
Oh, a class, huh? A class.
At Columbia?

316
00:15:12,129 --> 00:15:14,768
Let me tell you something.
I called the registrar's office.

317
00:15:14,929 --> 00:15:16,885
I checked you out.
They have no record...

318
00:15:17,049 --> 00:15:19,244
...of a Ray Thomas at that school,
you liar!

319
00:15:19,409 --> 00:15:22,128
That is because I am registered
under my full legal name...

320
00:15:22,289 --> 00:15:23,722
...Raymond Thomas Wochinski.

321
00:15:24,049 --> 00:15:25,562
Ray Thomas is
my professional name.

322
00:15:25,729 --> 00:15:26,923
You mean "alias."

323
00:15:27,209 --> 00:15:28,961
You are starting to make me angry.

324
00:15:29,729 --> 00:15:31,128
Well...

325
00:15:31,489 --> 00:15:33,320
...that was bound to happen.

326
00:15:38,449 --> 00:15:41,361
I hope you think about
what you've done here today.

327
00:15:41,529 --> 00:15:43,884
And if you wanna call
and apologize...

328
00:15:44,049 --> 00:15:45,323
...you know where to reach me.

329
00:15:45,489 --> 00:15:47,878
- Hey, Ray.
- Yes?

330
00:15:48,329 --> 00:15:51,605
How did you get the goop out of
the top of the dishwashing liquid?

331
00:15:51,769 --> 00:15:54,044
It was like a brand-new nozzle.

332
00:15:56,369 --> 00:15:58,724
- Nervous?
- Why should I be?

333
00:15:58,889 --> 00:16:00,117
Yeah. Right.

334
00:16:01,049 --> 00:16:02,767
Your notes were very insightful.

335
00:16:03,289 --> 00:16:05,644
The book is great.

336
00:16:05,809 --> 00:16:07,003
Did you go out last night?

337
00:16:07,169 --> 00:16:11,003
No, we made love on the floor
like two animals.

338
00:16:11,609 --> 00:16:14,248
Ray is insatiable.

339
00:16:14,609 --> 00:16:16,122
They all are.

340
00:16:16,529 --> 00:16:18,042
Was Jerry?

341
00:16:18,929 --> 00:16:20,920
I can't remember.

342
00:16:25,169 --> 00:16:28,479
You know, Ray is very upset
over these accusations.

343
00:16:29,289 --> 00:16:31,405
I'm staying out of this one.
This is between them.

344
00:16:31,569 --> 00:16:33,161
I am not getting involved.

345
00:16:36,769 --> 00:16:37,963
So you think he stole it?

346
00:16:38,129 --> 00:16:40,518
You have to admit,
the circumstantial evidence...

347
00:16:40,689 --> 00:16:42,122
I admit nothing.

348
00:16:44,649 --> 00:16:47,880
Will you put that cigarette out,
please?

349
00:16:48,129 --> 00:16:49,847
I mean, he was in the apartment...

350
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:52,125
...and then it's gone,
and it's in your apartment.

351
00:16:52,289 --> 00:16:54,280
- Maybe you think we're in cahoots.
- No.

352
00:16:54,449 --> 00:16:55,848
But it's quite a coincidence.

353
00:16:56,009 --> 00:16:58,284
Yes, that's all, a coincidence.

354
00:16:59,289 --> 00:17:00,483
Big coincidence.

355
00:17:00,649 --> 00:17:02,924
Not a big coincidence.
A coincidence.

356
00:17:03,089 --> 00:17:04,363
No, that's a big coincidence.

357
00:17:04,529 --> 00:17:05,803
That's what a coincidence is.

358
00:17:05,969 --> 00:17:08,529
There are no small coincidences
and big coincidences.

359
00:17:08,689 --> 00:17:10,680
No. There are degrees
of coincidences.

360
00:17:10,849 --> 00:17:13,158
No. There are only coincidences.
Ask anyone.

361
00:17:13,329 --> 00:17:15,604
Are there big coincidences
and small coincidences...

362
00:17:15,769 --> 00:17:17,407
...or just coincidences?

363
00:17:17,569 --> 00:17:19,878
Well?

364
00:17:21,089 --> 00:17:23,000
Will you put that cigarette out?

365
00:17:23,169 --> 00:17:25,364
Maybe I put it out on your face.

366
00:17:25,529 --> 00:17:27,167
It's just like Ray said.

367
00:17:27,329 --> 00:17:31,242
You and Jerry, you're jealous
of our love. You're trying to destroy us.

368
00:17:32,769 --> 00:17:35,886
Shouldn't you be
out on a ledge somewhere?

369
00:17:49,089 --> 00:17:51,239
Ma, will you stop?

370
00:17:51,569 --> 00:17:54,129
It's just a statue.

371
00:17:54,289 --> 00:17:58,919
How is it my fault? It was stolen.
I didn't even touch it this time.

372
00:17:59,089 --> 00:18:01,159
Okay, fine.

373
00:18:01,329 --> 00:18:03,399
I don't see why this should affect
the potatoes.

374
00:18:03,769 --> 00:18:05,646
Okay! Goodbye.

375
00:18:07,889 --> 00:18:10,119
She doesn't react to disappointment
very well.

376
00:18:10,289 --> 00:18:11,483
Unlike me.

377
00:18:11,889 --> 00:18:13,481
I'm not happy about this.

378
00:18:14,289 --> 00:18:17,440
Why don't we just throw a
Molotov cocktail through their window.

379
00:18:17,609 --> 00:18:19,247
There's just no justice.

380
00:18:19,409 --> 00:18:21,161
This experience has changed me.

381
00:18:21,329 --> 00:18:23,889
It's made me more cynical,
more bitter, more jaded.

382
00:18:24,169 --> 00:18:26,637
- Really?
- Sure. Why not?

383
00:18:27,409 --> 00:18:28,637
How do you think I feel?

384
00:18:28,809 --> 00:18:32,688
Instead of editing the first novel
of a major young writing talent...

385
00:18:32,849 --> 00:18:37,047
...I am proofreading
a food-allergy cookbook.

386
00:18:37,409 --> 00:18:39,525
- Can't you talk to your boss?
- I did.

387
00:18:39,689 --> 00:18:41,008
He loves Rava.

388
00:18:41,169 --> 00:18:42,488
Worse, he loves Ray.

389
00:18:42,649 --> 00:18:44,367
And he doesn't think
you're funny at all.

390
00:18:48,209 --> 00:18:50,279
I'm not happy about this.

391
00:18:50,449 --> 00:18:52,644
Perhaps we can take comfort
in the knowledge...

392
00:18:52,809 --> 00:18:55,607
...that in the next world,
Ray will be the recipient...

393
00:18:55,769 --> 00:18:58,078
...of a much larger and more harsh
brand of justice.

394
00:18:58,289 --> 00:19:00,007
Yeah, he'll have my parents.

395
00:19:07,449 --> 00:19:09,405
Police. Open up!

396
00:19:10,129 --> 00:19:11,847
Police?

397
00:19:17,289 --> 00:19:18,483
- Freeze, mama!
- Hey, hey-

398
00:19:18,649 --> 00:19:20,640
Shut up! Spread them.

399
00:19:20,809 --> 00:19:22,242
I said, spread them!

400
00:19:22,409 --> 00:19:23,637
You're in big trouble, son.

401
00:19:23,809 --> 00:19:25,208
Burglary, grand larceny...

402
00:19:25,449 --> 00:19:26,802
...possession of stolen goods.

403
00:19:26,969 --> 00:19:28,368
- And murder!
- Murder?

404
00:19:28,529 --> 00:19:30,326
Shut up! Keep them spread.

405
00:19:30,489 --> 00:19:33,128
You just make love
to that wall, pervert.

406
00:19:35,129 --> 00:19:37,802
Hey, I think you have me confused
with somebody else.

407
00:19:38,529 --> 00:19:39,723
- Is your name Ray?
- Yeah.

408
00:19:39,889 --> 00:19:42,164
Yeah, you're the punk I'm looking for!

409
00:19:44,849 --> 00:19:46,487
Hey. Hey, are you a cop?

410
00:19:46,649 --> 00:19:50,039
Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop.
I'm a damn good cop!

411
00:19:51,169 --> 00:19:52,966
And today's your lucky day, junior.

412
00:19:53,129 --> 00:19:55,324
Because I'm gonna let you off
with just a warning.

413
00:19:55,489 --> 00:19:58,606
Any more of this criminal activity,
and you'll be sorry. You got me?

414
00:19:58,769 --> 00:20:00,487
I don't know
what you're talking about.

415
00:20:00,689 --> 00:20:02,441
Good, good. Let's keep it that way.

416
00:20:10,609 --> 00:20:13,487
All right, all right.
What's the big hubbub, bub?

417
00:20:20,769 --> 00:20:23,203
Kramer, I can't believe it.

418
00:20:23,369 --> 00:20:25,405
- Oh, you're my hero!
- Yeah.

419
00:20:25,569 --> 00:20:27,924
- Kramer, what did you do?
- Well, let's put it this way:

420
00:20:28,089 --> 00:20:30,683
I didn't take him to People's Court.

421
00:20:31,729 --> 00:20:35,278
I feel like a huge weight has been
lifted off my shoulders.

422
00:20:35,449 --> 00:20:38,202
I- I feel happy!

423
00:20:38,369 --> 00:20:39,961
Kramer, I don't know
how to thank you.

424
00:20:40,129 --> 00:20:42,040
Well, I'll think of something.

425
00:20:44,689 --> 00:20:47,203
People are going to steal from you.
You can't stop them.

426
00:20:47,369 --> 00:20:49,963
But everybody has their own little
personal security things.

427
00:20:50,129 --> 00:20:54,486
Things that they think will foil the
crooks, you know, in your mind.

428
00:20:54,649 --> 00:20:57,607
You go to the beach, go in the water.
Put your wallet in the sneaker.

429
00:20:57,769 --> 00:20:59,566
Who's gonna know?

430
00:21:00,849 --> 00:21:05,240
What criminal mind could penetrate
this fortress of security?

431
00:21:05,649 --> 00:21:07,560
"I tied a bow.

432
00:21:07,729 --> 00:21:10,197
They can't get through that."

433
00:21:10,369 --> 00:21:13,964
"I put the wallet down
by the toe of the sneaker.

434
00:21:14,249 --> 00:21:17,207
They never look there.
They check the heel, they move on."

435
00:22:03,729 --> 00:22:05,720
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