1 00:00:02,049 --> 00:00:04,802 Does it seem to you that the ventriloquist dummy... 2 00:00:06,369 --> 00:00:09,725 ...has a very active sexual, social life? 3 00:00:10,169 --> 00:00:13,479 He's always talking about dates and women that he knows... 4 00:00:13,649 --> 00:00:15,844 ...and bringing them back to the suitcase at night. 5 00:00:16,009 --> 00:00:19,365 There's always a sawdust joke in there somewhere, you know. 6 00:00:19,609 --> 00:00:22,077 He says kinky things, because he's made out of wood... 7 00:00:22,249 --> 00:00:23,762 ...and he can spin his head around. 8 00:00:24,129 --> 00:00:26,882 We're somehow expected to believe... 9 00:00:27,289 --> 00:00:29,849 ...because the face is so animated... 10 00:00:30,009 --> 00:00:32,921 ...they think we're not noticing the feet are just swinging there. 11 00:00:33,089 --> 00:00:35,159 Dummy feet never look really right, do they? 12 00:00:35,329 --> 00:00:38,844 They're just kind of dangling there. Always kind of askew, you know. 13 00:00:39,009 --> 00:00:40,362 You always see a little ankle. 14 00:00:40,529 --> 00:00:43,441 Those little thin, fabric ankles that they have, you know. 15 00:00:43,609 --> 00:00:46,328 You think, "I don't think this thing is real." 16 00:00:49,529 --> 00:00:51,485 Are you kidding me? 17 00:00:51,649 --> 00:00:53,765 Let me speak with the head librarian. It's absurd. 18 00:00:56,289 --> 00:00:59,998 An overdue book from 1971? 19 00:01:00,169 --> 00:01:03,002 This is a joke, right? What are you, from a radio station? 20 00:01:03,169 --> 00:01:06,764 Okay, you got me. I fell for it. 21 00:01:07,169 --> 00:01:08,568 All right. Okay. 22 00:01:08,729 --> 00:01:11,004 I can be down there in, like, a half-hour. 23 00:01:11,169 --> 00:01:12,363 Bye. 24 00:01:12,849 --> 00:01:15,124 - What's the problem? - This, you're not gonna believe. 25 00:01:15,289 --> 00:01:17,723 The New York Public Library... 26 00:01:17,889 --> 00:01:22,360 ...says that I took out Tropic of Cancer in 1971... 27 00:01:22,529 --> 00:01:24,087 ...and never returned it. 28 00:01:24,249 --> 00:01:26,809 Do you know how much that comes to? 29 00:01:27,009 --> 00:01:29,364 That's a nickel a day for 20 years. 30 00:01:29,529 --> 00:01:31,804 - It's gonna be $50,000. - It doesn't work like that. 31 00:01:31,969 --> 00:01:33,880 If it's a dime a day, it could be 100,000. 32 00:01:34,049 --> 00:01:35,641 It's not gonna be anything. 33 00:01:35,809 --> 00:01:38,164 I returned the book. I remember it very vividly... 34 00:01:38,329 --> 00:01:40,126 ...because I was with Sherry Becker. 35 00:01:40,289 --> 00:01:43,645 She wore this orange dress. It's the first time I saw her in a dress like that. 36 00:01:43,809 --> 00:01:47,006 I'd known her since ninth grade. She was developing this body in secret... 37 00:01:47,169 --> 00:01:49,399 ...under these loose clothes for, like, two years. 38 00:01:49,569 --> 00:01:51,048 And then one day... 39 00:01:51,929 --> 00:01:54,045 ...this orange dress. 40 00:01:55,089 --> 00:01:58,843 - It's burned in my memory. - Oh, memory burn, huh? 41 00:01:59,009 --> 00:02:01,569 - I wonder whatever happened to her. - How did they find you? 42 00:02:01,889 --> 00:02:05,404 Oh, computers. They're cracking down now on overdue books. 43 00:02:05,569 --> 00:02:08,447 The whole thing's completely ridiculous. 44 00:02:08,929 --> 00:02:12,444 It's George. Wait till he finds out we're going to the library. He'll be thrilled. 45 00:02:12,609 --> 00:02:15,965 - You know, I never got a library card. - I'm coming down. 46 00:02:16,129 --> 00:02:18,359 It's all a bunch of cheapskates in there anyway. 47 00:02:18,529 --> 00:02:20,440 People sitting around reading the newspaper... 48 00:02:20,609 --> 00:02:23,123 ...attached to those huge wooden sticks... 49 00:02:23,289 --> 00:02:25,359 ...trying to save a quarter. 50 00:02:25,769 --> 00:02:28,124 Look, I gotta go to the library. You wanna go? 51 00:02:28,289 --> 00:02:30,519 Yeah, yeah. Let's go. 52 00:02:38,889 --> 00:02:42,802 The Dewey Decimal System. What a scam that was. 53 00:02:42,969 --> 00:02:47,167 Boy, this Dewey guy really cleaned up on that deal. 54 00:02:47,329 --> 00:02:49,320 Where's George? 55 00:02:49,729 --> 00:02:52,482 Look. Trying to save a quarter. 56 00:02:52,649 --> 00:02:56,164 I kind of like those sticks. I'd like to get them in my house. 57 00:03:01,809 --> 00:03:04,198 This woman's completely ignoring me. 58 00:03:04,369 --> 00:03:05,722 Look at her. 59 00:03:05,889 --> 00:03:09,564 This is a lonely woman looking for companionship. 60 00:03:10,449 --> 00:03:12,405 A spinster. 61 00:03:12,809 --> 00:03:14,845 Maybe a virgin. 62 00:03:16,129 --> 00:03:20,247 Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She's a schoolgirl... 63 00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:22,525 ...there was a boy. It didn't work out. 64 00:03:22,689 --> 00:03:27,558 So now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. 65 00:03:27,729 --> 00:03:29,959 Needs a little Kramer, huh? 66 00:03:32,769 --> 00:03:35,488 Then she'll need a little shot of penicillin. 67 00:03:37,249 --> 00:03:39,001 - Yes? - Yeah, I called before. 68 00:03:39,169 --> 00:03:41,319 I got this notice in the mail. 69 00:03:43,089 --> 00:03:46,968 Tropic of Cancer. Henry Miller. 70 00:03:48,769 --> 00:03:51,966 This case has been turned over to our investigations officer, Mr. Bookman. 71 00:03:52,129 --> 00:03:53,323 Bookman? 72 00:03:53,489 --> 00:03:56,765 The library investigator's name is actually Bookman? 73 00:03:56,929 --> 00:03:58,203 - Come on. - It's true. 74 00:03:58,369 --> 00:03:59,563 That's amazing. 75 00:03:59,729 --> 00:04:02,687 That's like an ice-cream man named Cone. 76 00:04:02,849 --> 00:04:05,204 Well, Lieutenant Bookman's been working here 25 years... 77 00:04:05,369 --> 00:04:06,688 ...so he's heard all the jokes. 78 00:04:07,009 --> 00:04:09,523 - Can I speak with this Bookman? - Just a second. 79 00:04:13,009 --> 00:04:15,159 Jerry. 80 00:04:15,489 --> 00:04:16,683 What? 81 00:04:17,449 --> 00:04:18,848 I think I saw him. 82 00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:20,920 - I think it's him. - Who? 83 00:04:21,089 --> 00:04:23,319 Did you see the homeless guy on the library steps... 84 00:04:23,489 --> 00:04:25,684 ...screaming obscenities and doing callisthenics? 85 00:04:25,849 --> 00:04:29,000 - Yeah. - I think that's Mr. Heyman. 86 00:04:29,409 --> 00:04:31,001 The gym teacher from our high school. 87 00:04:33,929 --> 00:04:36,523 - Heyman? Are you sure? - He's older... 88 00:04:36,689 --> 00:04:41,240 ...completely covered in filth, no whistle. But I think it's him. 89 00:04:42,929 --> 00:04:44,920 George got him fired. He squealed on him. 90 00:04:45,089 --> 00:04:47,284 - Oh, tattletale. - I didn't tattle. 91 00:04:49,729 --> 00:04:51,481 Well, what did this guy do? What happened? 92 00:04:51,649 --> 00:04:53,719 There was an incident. I'd rather not discuss it. 93 00:04:53,889 --> 00:04:55,959 - Oh, come on. You can tell me. - Some other time. 94 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,926 What, tonight? 95 00:04:59,009 --> 00:05:02,843 - I never figured you for a squealer. - He sang like a canary. 96 00:05:03,009 --> 00:05:04,647 - Mr. Bookman's not here. - Not here? 97 00:05:04,809 --> 00:05:07,960 - Why was I told to come down here? - He'll be out all afternoon on a case. 98 00:05:08,129 --> 00:05:11,166 He's out on a case? He actually goes out on cases? 99 00:05:12,089 --> 00:05:13,408 What am I supposed to do now? 100 00:05:13,569 --> 00:05:15,446 I'll have Mr. Bookman get in touch with you. 101 00:05:16,289 --> 00:05:17,927 All right. Thanks. 102 00:05:18,089 --> 00:05:20,239 - Come on, let's go. - Let's go see if it's Heyman. 103 00:05:20,409 --> 00:05:24,402 - It's not him. - Hey, I'll see you boys later, huh? 104 00:05:28,649 --> 00:05:32,927 So, what's a guy gotta do around here to get a library card? 105 00:05:43,489 --> 00:05:46,162 - Where's Karen? - She went to pick up lunch. 106 00:05:47,489 --> 00:05:48,683 Well... 107 00:05:49,529 --> 00:05:51,804 ...she didn't ask me what I wanted. 108 00:05:51,969 --> 00:05:54,199 She must've forgot. 109 00:05:55,089 --> 00:05:57,125 How could she forget? I've been ordering lunch... 110 00:05:57,289 --> 00:05:59,007 ...every day for three and a half years. 111 00:05:59,889 --> 00:06:01,686 Is there something you're not telling me... 112 00:06:01,849 --> 00:06:03,965 ...because I'm getting, like, a really weird vibe. 113 00:06:05,209 --> 00:06:07,245 Is Lippman getting rid of me? You can tell me. 114 00:06:07,409 --> 00:06:10,003 - I won't say anything. - I don't know anything. 115 00:06:11,289 --> 00:06:13,439 You don't know. You see, "I don't know anything"... 116 00:06:13,609 --> 00:06:16,521 ...means there's something to know. If you really didn't, you'd say: 117 00:06:16,689 --> 00:06:18,281 "You're crazy." 118 00:06:18,449 --> 00:06:21,327 - Oh, hi, Mr. Lippman. - Elaine. 119 00:06:22,809 --> 00:06:24,845 I was wondering if you got a chance... 120 00:06:25,009 --> 00:06:27,967 ...to look at that biography of Columbus I gave you. 121 00:06:28,129 --> 00:06:29,926 Yes, I did. 122 00:06:31,129 --> 00:06:32,960 Yes, I did. 123 00:06:34,209 --> 00:06:38,282 - Marie, this water is still too cold. - Oh, yeah. It's freezing. 124 00:06:40,289 --> 00:06:42,439 Hurts your teeth. 125 00:06:47,329 --> 00:06:49,479 I'm telling you, something is going on. 126 00:06:49,649 --> 00:06:53,119 He never likes anything I recommend, and then that lunch thing. 127 00:06:53,289 --> 00:06:55,325 So they forgot to get your lunch. Big deal. 128 00:06:55,489 --> 00:06:58,208 What do you know? You've never worked in an office. 129 00:06:58,369 --> 00:07:00,724 See, you've worked in an office, George. You understand. 130 00:07:00,889 --> 00:07:04,120 Jerry thinks I'm overreacting, but you understand lunch. 131 00:07:04,489 --> 00:07:06,923 I don't understand lunch. I don't know anything about it. 132 00:07:07,289 --> 00:07:10,838 Just because I got the guy fired doesn't mean I turned him into a bum, does it? 133 00:07:11,009 --> 00:07:12,488 - What did he do? - He purposely... 134 00:07:12,649 --> 00:07:14,401 ...mispronounced my name. 135 00:07:14,569 --> 00:07:16,366 Instead of saying Costanza... 136 00:07:16,529 --> 00:07:20,761 ...he'd say, "Can't stand you. Can't stand you." 137 00:07:21,289 --> 00:07:24,167 Remember, he made me smell my own gym socks once? 138 00:07:24,329 --> 00:07:28,083 I remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class. 139 00:07:28,449 --> 00:07:31,680 - And the straps were hanging down... - Okay, okay. 140 00:07:31,849 --> 00:07:33,248 You never even had him for gym. 141 00:07:33,409 --> 00:07:35,798 I had him for hygiene. Remember his teeth? 142 00:07:35,969 --> 00:07:38,039 It was like from an exhumed corpse. 143 00:07:38,409 --> 00:07:40,923 Little baked beans. 144 00:07:42,369 --> 00:07:45,247 Come on, tell me what happened. 145 00:07:45,889 --> 00:07:47,641 Well, okay. 146 00:07:47,809 --> 00:07:50,277 As I said, the guy had it in for me. 147 00:07:50,449 --> 00:07:53,998 He actually failed me in gym. Me. 148 00:07:54,529 --> 00:07:57,407 And those spastic Schnitzer twins. 149 00:07:57,689 --> 00:07:59,919 - Can't stand you! - Yes, Mr. Heyman? 150 00:08:00,089 --> 00:08:03,081 Your underwear was sticking out of your shorts during gym class. 151 00:08:03,249 --> 00:08:05,240 Well, that's because I wear boxer shorts. 152 00:08:05,409 --> 00:08:07,001 Boxer shorts, huh? 153 00:08:07,169 --> 00:08:09,239 - What brand? - I'm not really sure. I- 154 00:08:09,409 --> 00:08:11,684 Yeah, well, let's take a look! 155 00:08:12,849 --> 00:08:14,362 He gave me a wedgie. 156 00:08:14,529 --> 00:08:16,599 And he got fired the next day. 157 00:08:16,929 --> 00:08:18,362 Why do they call it a "wedgie"? 158 00:08:18,529 --> 00:08:22,078 Because the underwear is pulled up from the back until it... 159 00:08:22,249 --> 00:08:24,080 ...wedges in. 160 00:08:24,849 --> 00:08:27,488 They also have an atomic wedgie. 161 00:08:27,649 --> 00:08:30,880 Now, the goal there is to actually get the waistband... 162 00:08:31,049 --> 00:08:33,085 ...on top of the head. 163 00:08:33,289 --> 00:08:35,280 It's very rare. 164 00:08:36,409 --> 00:08:38,877 - Boys are sick. - Well, what do girls do? 165 00:08:39,049 --> 00:08:42,724 We just tease someone till they develop an eating disorder. 166 00:08:44,049 --> 00:08:46,165 I gotta go back to the library and talk to him. 167 00:08:46,329 --> 00:08:49,162 I gotta find out if I'm the guy that ruined his life. 168 00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:51,160 Hey, babaloo, you better get home. 169 00:08:51,329 --> 00:08:54,002 This guy Bookman from the library, he's waiting for you. 170 00:08:54,969 --> 00:08:56,448 What's amazing about the library... 171 00:08:56,609 --> 00:08:58,440 ...is here's a place where you can go in... 172 00:08:58,609 --> 00:09:01,123 ...take out any book you want. They just give it to you... 173 00:09:01,289 --> 00:09:03,757 ...and say, "Bring it back when you're done." 174 00:09:03,929 --> 00:09:06,523 Reminds you of that pathetic friend everybody had as a kid... 175 00:09:06,689 --> 00:09:10,238 ...that would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. 176 00:09:10,409 --> 00:09:14,197 That's what the library is. It's a government-funded pathetic friend. 177 00:09:14,369 --> 00:09:16,280 That's why everybody bullies the library. 178 00:09:16,449 --> 00:09:18,679 "I'll bring it back on time, I'll bring it back late. 179 00:09:18,849 --> 00:09:21,204 What are you gonna do, charge me a nickel?" 180 00:09:23,089 --> 00:09:25,284 I'm glad you're here so we can straighten this out. 181 00:09:25,449 --> 00:09:26,802 - Cup of tea? - Got any coffee? 182 00:09:26,969 --> 00:09:28,038 - Coffee? - Yeah, coffee. 183 00:09:28,209 --> 00:09:30,040 - No, I don't drink coffee. - You don't? 184 00:09:30,209 --> 00:09:31,961 - How about instant coffee? - No, I don't- 185 00:09:32,129 --> 00:09:33,881 - No instant coffee? - Well, I don't- 186 00:09:34,049 --> 00:09:36,085 - Who doesn't have instant coffee? - I don't. 187 00:09:36,249 --> 00:09:39,480 Buy a jar of Folgers crystals, put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. 188 00:09:39,649 --> 00:09:41,605 When you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. 189 00:09:41,769 --> 00:09:44,237 It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried crystals. 190 00:09:45,809 --> 00:09:47,481 Really? I'll have to remember that. 191 00:09:47,809 --> 00:09:51,119 - You took this book out in 1971. - Yes, and I returned it in 1971. 192 00:09:51,289 --> 00:09:53,678 Yeah, '71, that was my first year on the job. 193 00:09:53,849 --> 00:09:56,443 Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. 194 00:09:57,089 --> 00:09:58,920 Hippies burning library cards. 195 00:09:59,089 --> 00:10:01,649 Abbie Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. 196 00:10:01,969 --> 00:10:04,278 I don't judge a man by hair length or musical taste. 197 00:10:04,449 --> 00:10:05,643 Rock was never my bag. 198 00:10:05,969 --> 00:10:09,041 But you put on a pair of shoes in the New York Public Library, fella. 199 00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:11,359 Look, Mr. Bookman... 200 00:10:13,089 --> 00:10:15,762 ...I returned that book. I remember it very specifically. 201 00:10:15,929 --> 00:10:17,885 You're a comedian. You make people laugh. 202 00:10:18,049 --> 00:10:20,563 - I try. - You think this is all a big joke? 203 00:10:22,369 --> 00:10:23,768 No, I don't. 204 00:10:23,929 --> 00:10:26,523 I saw you on TV once. I remembered your name from my list. 205 00:10:26,689 --> 00:10:29,078 I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. 206 00:10:29,249 --> 00:10:32,241 You think because you're a celebrity, somehow the law doesn't apply? 207 00:10:32,409 --> 00:10:34,161 - You're above the law? - Certainly not. 208 00:10:34,329 --> 00:10:36,763 Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. 209 00:10:37,169 --> 00:10:40,241 You know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? 210 00:10:40,409 --> 00:10:41,888 That may not mean anything to you. 211 00:10:42,049 --> 00:10:44,438 But that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. 212 00:10:44,609 --> 00:10:47,681 Sure, go ahead. Laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before. 213 00:10:47,849 --> 00:10:51,478 Flashy, making a scene, flaunting convention. 214 00:10:51,649 --> 00:10:53,162 Yeah, I know what you're thinking: 215 00:10:53,329 --> 00:10:55,968 "Why's this guy making such a stink about old library books?" 216 00:10:56,529 --> 00:10:58,997 Well, let me give you a hint, junior. 217 00:10:59,489 --> 00:11:02,561 Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. 218 00:11:02,729 --> 00:11:04,765 Sure, we're too old to change the world. 219 00:11:04,929 --> 00:11:07,807 But what about that kid sitting down opening a book right now... 220 00:11:07,969 --> 00:11:09,880 ...in a branch at the local library... 221 00:11:10,049 --> 00:11:13,405 ...and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees... 222 00:11:15,169 --> 00:11:18,798 ...in The Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers? 223 00:11:18,969 --> 00:11:20,163 Doesn't he deserve better? 224 00:11:20,329 --> 00:11:23,480 Look, if you think this is about overdue fines and missing books... 225 00:11:23,649 --> 00:11:26,209 ...you better think again. This is about that kid's right... 226 00:11:26,369 --> 00:11:28,599 ...to read a book without getting his mind warped. 227 00:11:28,769 --> 00:11:30,805 Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld. 228 00:11:30,969 --> 00:11:34,723 Maybe that's how you get your kicks, you and your good-time buddies. 229 00:11:34,889 --> 00:11:37,722 Well, I got a flash for you, joy-boy: 230 00:11:40,969 --> 00:11:42,197 Party time is over. 231 00:11:43,249 --> 00:11:45,922 You got seven days, Seinfeld. 232 00:11:46,529 --> 00:11:48,679 That is one week. 233 00:11:53,489 --> 00:11:56,799 - What's wrong? - It's Bookman, the library cop. 234 00:11:57,249 --> 00:11:59,968 - So? I didn't do anything wrong. - I'm supposed to be at work. 235 00:12:00,129 --> 00:12:03,439 I could get fired. I never should've come here. 236 00:12:04,769 --> 00:12:07,078 Why don't you leave? 237 00:12:10,289 --> 00:12:12,678 I can't. 238 00:12:14,129 --> 00:12:18,839 There's no way I'm paying that! I returned that book in 1971! 239 00:12:19,009 --> 00:12:21,364 I have a witness. Sherry Becker. 240 00:12:21,529 --> 00:12:23,918 She wore an orange dress. 241 00:12:24,089 --> 00:12:25,727 She gave me a piece of Black Jack gum. 242 00:12:25,889 --> 00:12:29,120 I said, "Liquorice gum. What will they think of next?" 243 00:12:29,289 --> 00:12:30,927 I remember it! 244 00:12:36,209 --> 00:12:38,279 Becker, Becker... 245 00:12:49,969 --> 00:12:51,607 Kevin went to a public school. 246 00:12:51,769 --> 00:12:53,248 He's the 14 year old. 247 00:12:53,409 --> 00:12:56,321 We were gonna send Marsha to a private school... 248 00:12:56,729 --> 00:12:59,323 ...because in some ways, they don't... 249 00:12:59,489 --> 00:13:02,208 ...learn enough, I think. 250 00:13:02,369 --> 00:13:05,884 So, Sherry, what do you remember about that day at the library? 251 00:13:06,529 --> 00:13:09,566 I remember it like it was yesterday. 252 00:13:09,729 --> 00:13:11,640 It was a Friday afternoon. 253 00:13:11,809 --> 00:13:15,040 - I wore a purple dress. - Purple? 254 00:13:15,209 --> 00:13:17,723 - You sure it wasn't orange? - Positive. 255 00:13:17,889 --> 00:13:20,608 And I was chewing Dentyne. 256 00:13:20,769 --> 00:13:23,806 I always chewed Dentyne. 257 00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:26,847 Remember, Jerry? Dentyne? 258 00:13:28,489 --> 00:13:32,277 - No Black Jack? - Liquorice gum? Never. 259 00:13:32,449 --> 00:13:34,201 What else? 260 00:13:34,529 --> 00:13:35,723 We were... 261 00:13:35,889 --> 00:13:39,962 ...reading passages to each other from that Henry Miller book you had. 262 00:13:40,129 --> 00:13:42,689 - Tropic of Cancer. - No. 263 00:13:42,849 --> 00:13:44,441 Tropic of Capricorn. 264 00:13:44,969 --> 00:13:49,008 - Tropic of Capricorn? - Remember? 265 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:51,638 "What holds the world together... 266 00:13:51,809 --> 00:13:55,882 ...as I have learned from bitter experience... 267 00:13:56,049 --> 00:13:59,121 ...is sexual intercourse." 268 00:14:02,609 --> 00:14:05,885 Wait a second, wait a second. You're right. I had both of them. 269 00:14:06,049 --> 00:14:07,607 We read from Tropic of Capricorn. 270 00:14:07,769 --> 00:14:11,648 I was all set to return Tropic of Cancer. And then... 271 00:14:12,689 --> 00:14:14,486 - George, here's the book. - Oh, man. 272 00:14:14,649 --> 00:14:17,083 Don't let anybody see it. Don't let anything happen to it. 273 00:14:17,249 --> 00:14:19,843 Jerry, it's me, George. Don't worry. I'll return it tomorrow. 274 00:14:20,009 --> 00:14:23,319 All right. I'll see you after school. I'm late for Heyman's hygiene. 275 00:14:25,249 --> 00:14:27,922 - Where are you going? - It was nice seeing you again. 276 00:14:28,089 --> 00:14:30,000 I just remembered something. I've gotta go. 277 00:14:31,169 --> 00:14:33,524 It was George! 278 00:14:35,489 --> 00:14:37,286 Read another poem. 279 00:14:37,569 --> 00:14:41,448 Pressed chest Fleshed out west 280 00:14:41,609 --> 00:14:43,600 Might be the saviour 281 00:14:43,769 --> 00:14:45,407 Or a garden pest 282 00:14:46,609 --> 00:14:50,158 That is great poetry. You should be published. 283 00:14:50,329 --> 00:14:52,206 It's great. 284 00:14:54,569 --> 00:14:57,083 Well, the library's kind of a cool place when it's closed. 285 00:14:57,249 --> 00:14:59,638 Oh, yeah. You don't have to be quiet. 286 00:14:59,809 --> 00:15:01,322 Listen to the echo. 287 00:15:01,489 --> 00:15:03,241 - Hello! - Hello! 288 00:15:03,409 --> 00:15:05,684 - Hello! - Hello! 289 00:15:05,849 --> 00:15:07,328 - Hello! - Hello. 290 00:15:10,769 --> 00:15:11,963 Mr. Bookman. 291 00:15:12,129 --> 00:15:15,485 I remember when the librarian was a much older woman. 292 00:15:15,649 --> 00:15:18,209 Kindly, discreet, unattractive. 293 00:15:18,809 --> 00:15:20,765 We didn't know anything about her private life. 294 00:15:20,929 --> 00:15:22,999 We didn't wanna know about her private life. 295 00:15:23,169 --> 00:15:25,558 She didn't have a private life. 296 00:15:25,729 --> 00:15:27,640 When you think about that, think about this: 297 00:15:27,809 --> 00:15:30,369 The library closes at 5:00, no exceptions. 298 00:15:30,529 --> 00:15:32,201 This is your final warning. 299 00:15:32,369 --> 00:15:34,678 Got that, kewpie doll? 300 00:15:38,609 --> 00:15:41,203 Lippman wants to see me in his office. 301 00:15:41,369 --> 00:15:45,078 - See me. That can't be good. - Maybe you're getting a raise. 302 00:15:45,249 --> 00:15:47,638 Maybe I'm getting a wedgie. 303 00:15:51,009 --> 00:15:52,965 - What? - It's George. 304 00:15:53,129 --> 00:15:57,202 - George is on his way up. - Wait till I tell him about the book. 305 00:15:58,609 --> 00:16:00,406 Are you okay? 306 00:16:00,569 --> 00:16:05,723 - What? - It's- It's Marion's poetry. 307 00:16:05,889 --> 00:16:09,404 - I can't take it! - Oh, Kramer. 308 00:16:13,569 --> 00:16:16,129 Remember that biography I recommended? 309 00:16:16,289 --> 00:16:18,678 - My boss hated it! - I'm right here. 310 00:16:18,849 --> 00:16:20,760 Oh, sorry. 311 00:16:21,569 --> 00:16:25,881 - Remember that Columbus book? - Columbus. Eurotrash. 312 00:16:37,689 --> 00:16:39,964 Well, it's definitely him. 313 00:16:42,089 --> 00:16:45,399 - Him? Him who? - Him who? 314 00:16:45,569 --> 00:16:47,321 Heyman him. 315 00:16:47,489 --> 00:16:49,241 Heyman, the gym teacher? 316 00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:52,242 - You found him? - Oh, I found him. 317 00:16:52,409 --> 00:16:54,525 He was sitting on the steps of the library. 318 00:16:54,689 --> 00:16:55,963 I sat down next to him. 319 00:16:56,729 --> 00:16:59,641 He smelled like the locker room after that game against Erasmus. 320 00:16:59,809 --> 00:17:01,686 That was double overtime. 321 00:17:01,929 --> 00:17:03,601 I said, "Mr. Heyman... 322 00:17:03,769 --> 00:17:06,283 ...it's me, George Costanza. 323 00:17:06,449 --> 00:17:08,883 JFK, '71." 324 00:17:09,049 --> 00:17:10,926 He doesn't move. 325 00:17:11,129 --> 00:17:12,767 So I said: 326 00:17:12,929 --> 00:17:16,922 "Can't stand you. Can't stand you." 327 00:17:17,289 --> 00:17:19,883 He turns and smiles. 328 00:17:20,049 --> 00:17:22,688 The little baked-bean teeth. 329 00:17:23,169 --> 00:17:25,239 I get up to run away... 330 00:17:25,409 --> 00:17:28,719 ...but something was holding me back. 331 00:17:29,569 --> 00:17:31,480 It was Heyman. 332 00:17:33,249 --> 00:17:35,001 He had my underwear. 333 00:17:37,729 --> 00:17:42,519 Here I was on the steps of the 42nd Street library... 334 00:17:42,689 --> 00:17:44,884 ...a grown man... 335 00:17:45,569 --> 00:17:47,400 ...getting a wedgie. 336 00:17:49,729 --> 00:17:51,128 At least it wasn't atomic. 337 00:17:53,169 --> 00:17:55,080 It was. 338 00:17:58,889 --> 00:18:03,007 So, Georgie boy, guess what happened to Tropic of Cancer. 339 00:18:03,169 --> 00:18:05,478 - How should I know? - Because I gave it to you. 340 00:18:05,649 --> 00:18:06,843 - Me? - Yeah, think. 341 00:18:07,009 --> 00:18:09,284 Don't you remember? You kept begging me to see it. 342 00:18:09,449 --> 00:18:11,167 Then finally, I agreed. 343 00:18:11,529 --> 00:18:14,123 You were supposed to return it. 344 00:18:14,289 --> 00:18:17,247 I met you in the gym locker room and gave it to you. 345 00:18:18,209 --> 00:18:19,403 The locker room. 346 00:18:20,129 --> 00:18:22,006 - George, here's the book. - Oh, man. 347 00:18:22,169 --> 00:18:24,603 Don't let anybody see it. Don't let anything happen to it. 348 00:18:24,769 --> 00:18:27,078 It's me, George. Don't worry. I'll return it tomorrow. 349 00:18:27,249 --> 00:18:30,764 All right. I'll see you after school. I'm late for Heyman's hygiene. 350 00:18:34,529 --> 00:18:36,565 - Can't stand you! - Yes, Mr. Heyman? 351 00:18:36,729 --> 00:18:40,039 Your underwear was sticking out of your shorts during gym class. 352 00:18:40,209 --> 00:18:43,326 - That's because I wear boxer shorts. - Boxer shorts, huh? 353 00:18:43,489 --> 00:18:45,559 - What brand? - I'm not really sure. 354 00:18:45,729 --> 00:18:47,959 Yeah, well, let's take a look! 355 00:19:00,369 --> 00:19:03,805 Anyway, I hope there's no hard feelings. 356 00:19:05,409 --> 00:19:08,560 Hard feelings? What do you know about hard feelings? 357 00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:13,766 Ever have a man die in your arms? Ever kill somebody? 358 00:19:13,929 --> 00:19:15,999 - What is your problem? - What's my problem? 359 00:19:16,169 --> 00:19:18,808 Punks like you. That's my problem. 360 00:19:18,969 --> 00:19:20,607 You better not screw up again, Seinfeld. 361 00:19:20,769 --> 00:19:23,806 Because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pit bull on a poodle. 362 00:19:27,169 --> 00:19:29,967 That is one tough monkey. 363 00:19:30,849 --> 00:19:34,683 - So you were saying? - So I took your suggestion... 364 00:19:34,849 --> 00:19:37,079 ...and I gave my boss Marion's poems... 365 00:19:37,249 --> 00:19:39,001 ...the ones that affected Kramer so much. 366 00:19:39,169 --> 00:19:43,128 - Oh, beautiful. Did he like them? - No, he didn't. 367 00:19:44,489 --> 00:19:47,208 No, he didn't. 368 00:19:48,929 --> 00:19:51,966 - Was he out there? - No, he's gone. 369 00:19:52,449 --> 00:19:56,283 - I wonder what happened to him. - I guess we'll never know. 370 00:20:03,009 --> 00:20:04,442 Can't stand you. 371 00:20:04,609 --> 00:20:09,046 Can't stand you. Can't stand you. 372 00:20:09,209 --> 00:20:11,769 Can't stand you. 373 00:20:13,609 --> 00:20:15,884 Any day that you had gym... 374 00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:18,165 ...was a weird school day. 375 00:20:18,329 --> 00:20:20,524 You know what I mean? It started off kind of normal. 376 00:20:20,689 --> 00:20:23,487 You have, like, English, geometry, social studies... 377 00:20:23,649 --> 00:20:26,721 ...and then suddenly, you're, like, in Lord of the Flies for 40 minutes. 378 00:20:26,889 --> 00:20:29,961 You're hanging from a rope. You have hardly any clothes on. 379 00:20:30,129 --> 00:20:33,405 Teachers are yelling at you, "Where's your jockstrap?"You know. 380 00:20:33,569 --> 00:20:37,687 Kids are throwing dodge balls at you. You're trying to survive. 381 00:20:38,129 --> 00:20:39,801 Then it's history... 382 00:20:39,969 --> 00:20:41,766 ...science, language. 383 00:20:41,929 --> 00:20:45,080 There's something off in the whole flow of that day. 384 00:21:30,729 --> 00:21:32,720 Subtitles by SDl Media Group