The transplant, the hair plug...
...is really quite amazing. Hair on your shower soap yesterday...
...can be in your head tomorrow.
How do they do the transplant?
Did they have the guy take a shower, get his soap...
...rush it in by helicopter?
You know, keep the soap alive on the soap-support system?
Then eventually move it over?
"We got the hairs, but I think we lost the Zest."
Sometimes the body rejects the transplant...
...with organs. Is it possible that a head could reject...
...a hair transplant?
The guy's just standing around. Suddenly:
It lands in someone's frozen yoghurt.
You see, the gaskets that you have here...
...are asymmetrical.
- Really? - So I took off the motor relay...
...on the compressor because you've got some discoloration.
- Oh, whatever you have to do. - I was working...
...with one mount at a time.
You know, because you don't want to disturb...
- ... the position of the compressor. - No, you don't.
Hey, what are you listening to?
My show from last night.
- Oh, you taped it? - Yeah, I was doing some new material.
Did you ever do that thing on the toes that I said?
You know, how, like, the big toe is, like, the captain of the toes.
But sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big...
...that there's, like, a power struggle.
And the second toe assumes control of the foot.
- The coup d'é-toe. - Yeah.
- Did you do it? - Yeah.
- So? - Nothing.
Nothing at all.
- I need the phone. - Who you calling?
China.
- China? - Yeah, I'll pay for it.
- What for? - What for?
I'll tell you what for. For hair.
- Hair? - The Chinese have done it, my friend.
- The Chinese have done it. - Done what?
- Discovered the cure for baldness. - Did you see that last night?
It was on CNN. This Chinese doctor, Zang Zhao...
...has cured baldness.
- What's this? - Oh, I just got it.
Spector gave it to me.
He's giving everything away.
He's becoming a minimalist.
Is that the guy who likes fat women?
Yeah.
Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism?
You. You should have watched that report on CNN last night.
I did. I'm trying to call China.
You can't call China now.
It's like, what, 3:00 in the morning there.
- Oh, my God. - What?
Oh, God.
Man.
Oh, brother.
I can't believe what I'm hearing.
This woman's talking to me on my tape recorder...
...while I was on stage.
This is wild.
I never heard anything like this. Listen.
I want to slide my tongue around you lik e a s-
Oh, my God.
- Let me hear. - Wait, wait, wait.
- Who is this woman? - I don't know. I have no idea.
I was just listening, and she came on.
This is like a Penthouse letter.
- Why can't I meet women like this? - Come on.
Wait! Wait!
- Where was the tape recorder? - Back of the room, on the ledge.
She must have been sitting right in front of it.
- My God. - All right, come on.
- It's my turn. - All right. All right. All right.
- How you gonna find out who this is? - Good question.
Where's the volume?
What do the Chinese have to gain...
...by faking a cure for baldness?
If it was real, they'd never let it out of the country.
Imagine no baldness.
It would be like a nation of supermen.
- Hi, boys. - Hello.
- What's happening?
Tell her. I want to hear her reaction.
This woman left this sexy message on Jerry's tape-
Not that, you idiot!
- What? - The Chinese!
The Chinese bald cure!
- Oh, I thought you meant that- - No, I meant the bald cure.
We were talking about the bald cure!
What did she say?
Seinfeld.
Hey, is that Beder?
I can't believe it.
Get me a cup of decaf.
So did you hear this message?
Man, it was unbelievable.
- Really? - I can't get over it.
Sexy?
This woman drove us out of our minds.
Like, how did she sound?
She had this throaty, sexy kind of whisper.
Really? Like... Like:
Jerry...
...I want to slide my tongue around you like a snake.
Oh, my God.
You?
That was you!
- How did you-? - I stopped in the club to see him.
I was standing in the back while he was on.
There was this tape recorder there.
And I got this impulse.
- What? - No, nothing. Nothing.
Now listen, promise me you won't tell him.
I want to have a little fun with this.
I had no idea you were filled with such...
...sexuality.
Oh, that was nothing.
So listen, what about this bald thing?
Some bald thing, a bald thing. I don't know. It's nothing.
- Remember Beder? - Beder?
Yeah, you remember Beder.
I told you he went to the track that one time...
...and he was yelling at this jockey.
And the jockey got off the horse and started chasing him.
So listen. What about this girl on your tape recorder?
Oh, Elaine.
What do you think an enraptured female fan of mine might say?
I don't know.
She went on in some detail about certain activities...
...illegal in some states, for consenting adults.
Things you would know very little about.
- Oh, really? - Well...
...this type of thing is very common...
...when you're in show business.
So, what? You gonna ask her out?
No, she didn't leave her name or number.
Bummer. Okay.
Good luck finding her. I'm taking off.
- Where are you going? - Home.
What are you going home for?
I just came from the gym-
- Unless I can shower at your place. - Sure.
Oh, my God.
Oh, man.
I don't get it.
Why would a woman do that and then leave no way to get in touch with her?
Maybe she realized she couldn't have you...
...and jumped off the George Washington Bridge.
Yes. Operator.
Beijing.
- Why are you doing this? - Why do I do anything?
For women.
Elaine, have you ever gone out with a bald man?
- No. - Know what that makes you? A baldist.
Oh, this I need.
Hello, is this the hair restoration clinic?
Yeah, yeah. Does anyone speak English?
You're taping.
Just be yourselves.
Oh, okay.
Well, we're talking with Elaine Benes...
...adult film star...
...on the set of her new picture...
...Elaine Does the Upper West Side.
Hi, how you doing?
Well, I'm doing fine.
Do you speak English? English!
Oh, here's the director, Jerry Seinfeld.
Jerry, you discovered Elaine Benes.
Well, yes I did. That's true.
Couple of guys I knew in the Coast Guard told me about her.
And I sensed that she had the anger and intensity...
...that I needed to make this film work.
English!
Does anybody speak English?
Nobody speaks English.
So, what scene are you getting ready to shoot now, Elaine?
In this scene, my co-star, who's right over here...
Follow me. Is George Costanza.
And he plays an airline pilot...
...who's just returned from Rome.
And I'm about to show him how much I've missed him.
That's my Chinese food.
So, George, is this your first movie with Elaine?
I don't know.
So, Elaine, in your movies, is the sex real, or is it simulated?
Oh, it's always simulated...
...except with George.
That's in my contract.
Al right, Kramer. That's enough.
That's enough. Yeah, hello?
Yeah, hello?
English!
Does anyone speak English?
- How much do I owe you? - $15.90
- $15.90? - Excuse me?
- Do you speak Chinese? - Chinese? Yeah.
Oh, look!
I'm on with Beijing at the hair restoration clinic.
Could you talk to them for me...
...and tell them I'd like to place an order?
They've got a billion people over there. He found a relative.
If you send money, they send cream.
They send me. All right.
Ask them, does it really work?
They say you grow hair. Look like Stalin.
Ask them, are there any side effects?
Impotence.
Oh, funny. He's a funny guy, yeah.
Get a money order from the Bank of China.
Be here three days after they get check.
All right, thank you. Thank you.
Excuse me.
Kind of an expensive call.
Thanks for driving me home.
What did I do to deserve this?
You do plenty.
So, what are you doing? You're- You're going in.
Well, yeah. I guess so.
Why, you want to do something?
Yeah, I don't- I don't know. What?
There's really nothing to do.
Yeah, no. There's- There's nothing.
Can you think of anything?
No, no. Not really.
I am up for anything.
Really?
I have to say...
...you were really good doing that porno thing.
You're- You're talented.
I was just kidding around.
That thing you said about the sex not being simulated...
That was really funny.
Yeah, that was fun.
So I'll speak to you through Jerry and everything.
Okay.
- Thanks a lot for the ride. - Yeah, anytime.
Thanks a million. I appreciate this.
You're sure this was the woman at the table...
...where I had my tape recorder?
Okay, great.
Thanks, again. Bye.
Who do these women think they're dealing with?
Did she think she was gonna leave this incredibly erotic message...
...on my tape, and I was just gonna let it go?
Not bloody likely.
What is that?
- It's my cockney accent. - No, no. That's no good.
Let's hear yours.
Not bloody likely.
That's the worst cockney accent I ever heard in my life.
Hey, Georgie boy, guess what I got.
Guess what I got.
Oh, is that the bald stuff?
From China. All the way from China.
Wait, wait. Let me get the camera.
No, don't get the camera. We don't need the camera.
I know you're sceptical, but I believe in the Chinese.
Yes, I am sceptical.
Why do you have to be so suspicious of everyone?
This is a great man, Zang Zhao.
He wants to help bald people.
Wait, wait. Let's videotape your head for the before picture.
So we can watch how it grows and stuff.
- Here, sit down. - All right.
All right, lean back.
A little bit to the right.
Now make sure you get this area here.
- That's where he needs help. - All right.
Well, he's a happy camper, huh?
Happy camper. Yeah, I don't hear that expression enough.
Remember that guy who took my jacket?
The one I found at my mother's house?
- Yeah. - My mother told me...
...that he got arrested for mail fraud.
- No kidding. - Yeah, he's in jail.
What about the jacket? He take it with him?
That's what I intend to find out.
Well, you can see it.
Are you gonna walk around like that?
And it stinks.
Can you smell that?
You stink.
How long are you supposed to leave it on for?
All day.
- Hello? - Helo, it's Elaine Marie Benes.
- Well, hello. - Helo.
Did you find out who that woman was?
Yes, I got her number.
- Hey, is that Elaine? - Yeah.
Hi, Elaine!
So I guess you figure you're in for a pretty wild night.
Well, as I said...
...this type of thing is very common in show business.
Wel, listen, I'm at Arlene's. You want me to stop by?
- Sure. - Okay, bye.
Bye.
- Did she say "hello"? - What? Oh, I don't know.
What do you mean? She heard me say hello. Did she say hello back?
I don't know. Who keeps track of hellos?
Isn't it polite to say hello when somebody says hello?
She's coming up.
- Elaine's coming up? - Yeah, why? What's wrong?
- Where are you going? - Nowhere, nowhere. I'll be right out.
How often do you cut your toenails?
I would say every two and a half to eight weeks.
Because the other night I was sleeping with Marion...
...and I rolled over, and I cut her ankle with my big toe.
The big toe, the captain.
- What? - The captain of the toes.
- Hello? - Jerry?
- Yeah. - Jerry, listen.
I got too much to do. I can't come over. Forget it.
Oh, okay, too bad.
So when are you gonna cal her?
As soon as I get off the phone with you.
- Good luck. - Okay.
- Bye. - Bye.
- What happened? You took it off? - Yeah. That was enough.
That's it? You gave up?
No, I'm working on a system. Who was that?
That was Elaine. She changed her mind. She's not coming over.
- Helo? - Hello, is this Alisha?
- Yes. - This is Jerry Seinfeld.
- So? - I don't get this woman.
We're having a great time, couple of laughs. Everything's nice.
End of the night, I go in for contact.
I get the pullback.
This woman, she said the filthiest things I ever heard in my life.
And I get the pullback.
- Yeah? - It's George.
Come on up.
What is he doing here now?
So you blew it?
She must be psychotic or something.
Let me have the number.
I'm not giving you the number.
I know how to handle these psychotics.
Sheriff.
What's with the hat?
Boy, you stink.
- What are you doing here now? - I have to talk to you.
Let's take a look here, see what we got.
Wait a second.
I think I see something here, George.
- Let's go to the videotape. - Oh, Kramer. No, no.
- What's up? - I can't tell you now.
- He'll be back in 10 seconds. - Start it.
- I can't. - Oh, come on.
He'll be over there for a half-hour. He gets lost over there.
- Come on. What is this about? - All right.
I've become attracted to Elaine.
All right.
- Sit down. - Could we do this later?
No, I got the tape right here.
Kramer, let's do this later.
Okay, now...
This is the tape that we made earlier.
And I think...
...that I see a couple of buds...
...right here.
- Really? You think? - Yeah.
Kramer, I would like to talk to George for a minute, please.
- About what? - It's kind of private.
Like the big toe captain? What?
- Oh, so you're doing my bit? - I'm not doing the bit!
All right. Okay, all right.
I'm gonna take a look at this, huh?
- Does she know? - No.
- How did it happen? - I can't say.
- Well, why can't you say? - Because I promised her.
- I thought you said she doesn't know. - She doesn't.
- So how can you promise her? - Because she asked me to.
What is this, an Abbott and Costello routine?
All right, you really want to know?
It all started when she told me...
...that she was the voice on your tape recorder.
What? Elaine?
Yeah. She made me promise not to tell. It was supposed to be a joke.
- That was Elaine? - Yeah, let me hear.
- Wait a second! Give me a second- - You heard it 50 times already-
She's my ex-girlfriend. I think I have precedence.
- Yeah? - Hi, it's Elaine.
Is this a bad time?
Yeah.
Don't tell her I told you! She'll kill me!
Okay, I promise!
Oh, man.
Oh, God.
Oh, brother.
- What's the matter? - I got a pain in my side...
- ... from, you know- - Hi, George.
Hi, how you doing?
Something stinks in here.
What are you doing here?
I was the one who talked into your tape recorder.
I know. George told me.
- You told him? - He threatened me.
Where did you come up with all that stuff?
- Oh, that was nothing. - Elaine...
- I have to tell you something. - George, no.
- No, no. - George, I'm telling you-
What is it?
I'm very attracted to you.
I found a hair!
Yes!
Okay, come here. Come here. Take a look at this.
Ever since I found out that you left the message on Jerry's tape recorder-
- That was you? - It was a joke.
Wait.
Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah.
Elaine, I can't believe that that is you.
I think I'll get going.
Stick around a while.
- It's early. - We'll order Chinese.
Give me the tape. Give me the tape.
A woman left a message on my phone machine...
...with kind of a breathy voice.
No matter what a woman says, if it's in that breathy voice, you know...
"You have cancer."
"Really?"
Sounds pretty good.
The stewardess could lean over and whisper in my ear:
"Would you put on your seat belt.
We're about to go into a mountain."
I'd go, "Really, so what are you doing later...
...by the ruptured remains of the fuselage?
How about some peanuts over by the black box?
I'll meet you there."
Subtitles by SDl Media Group