There's no easy way to break up.
When you start dating, they should give you...
..."Get out of Relationship Free" cards.
You know? So you could just go up to the person...
...and go, "Here you go. I'm sorry.
I'll grab the tennis racket. Don't even bother to get up.
Have a good one. Sorry."
Which is fine, unless the person you're in the relationship with...
...has a "Eight More Months of Guilt, Torture and Pain"card.
"Hold it. I got a little something for you."
- We're dead. - We're not dead.
- We are dead. - Come on.
We got all day tomorrow to think of a story.
All day tomorrow? We had a month to come up with something.
We didn't do anything.
So we'll do it tomorrow.
Let me ask you: when's the last time you went skiing?
- About six years ago. - I think you can take the lift ticket...
...off your jacket now.
Women like skiers.
So what? You can't meet anybody. You're with Susan.
Yeah. Right.
See those two women over there?
I almost dated the one on the right. She's in the closet business.
Closet business?
- What's the closet business? - What is it your business?
- I'm interested. - She reorganizes your closet...
...and shows you how to maximize your closet space.
She looked into my closet.
You thought she was good-looking. This was a way to meet her.
- Yeah. - Yeah. So, what happened?
She mentioned she had a boyfriend. Then it hit me:
What do I need more closet space for?
- Hi, Marla. - Jerry.
- George, Marla. - Marla.
George. Jerry, Stacy.
- Stacy. George, Stacy. - Jerry.
- Stacy. - George.
George.
Jerry, Marla. Stacy.
- So how was your trip to Berlin? - Trip to Berlin?
Remember, that's why you put off the closets.
- You said you were going to Berlin. - Oh, right, right.
The Wall had just come down. You told me you wanted to be...
...part of the celebration.
Yes, yes, I did, but you know, I was watching it on CNN...
...and they covered it so well, I thought, why knock my brains out?
You know, my boyfriend went.
- Really? - Yes, I told him all about you going...
...and he got all excited and decided to go.
- Oh, did he like it? - I don't know. He never came back.
Anyway, we met with NBC about a month ago, and they...
...gave us the green light to go ahead and write a pilot.
We got a big meeting with them tomorrow.
They gotta approve the story before we can write it.
Wow. What a great job. A writer.
Not a bad way to earn a buck.
Sounds great.
Well, I'll tell you, Stacy...
...it's a lot of hard work.
But it comes fairly easy to me.
Some people write symphonies. This is my gift.
- So you gonna go out with her? - I might.
- What about Susan? - What? I'm not married.
I'm not allowed to go out with somebody else?
- Depends. - Depends on what?
- On many factors. - Like what?
Well, how long you've been seeing her.
What's your phone-call frequency? Are you on a daily?
No. Semi-daily. Four, five times a week.
Saturday nights, do you ask her out, or is the date implied?
- Implied. - She got anything...
...in your medicine cabinet?
Might be some moisturizer.
Let me ask you this:
Is there any Tampax in your house?
Yeah.
- I'll tell you what you got here. - Yeah?
You got a girlfriend.
Oh, no, no. What-? Are you sure, a girlfriend?
I'm looking at a guy in a semi-daily, with Tampax in his house...
...and an implied date on Saturday night.
- I would like to help you out, but- - Do you believe my luck?
The first time I have a good answer to...
..."What do you do?" and I have a girlfriend.
You don't need a girlfriend when you can answer that.
That's what you say in order to get girlfriends.
Once you can get girlfriends, you just want more girlfriends.
You're gonna make a very good father someday.
Well, it's not fair, Jerry. It's just not fair.
That's it. I'm getting out of this thing.
Break up with her. But you know what this means.
- No, what? - The script, the pilot, TV show.
- That's all over. - What do you mean?
Figure it out. She's one of the executives...
...that makes the decision whether to pick up the show.
She's one of our biggest fans.
You drop her, you think they're gonna pick us up?
Oh, right. Oh, no! Man.
You know, it's a very interesting situation.
Here you have a job that could help you get girls.
But you also have a relationship.
But if you get rid of the relationship so you can get girls...
...you lose the job.
- You see the irony? - Yeah, yeah. I see the...
All right, what about this?
What if I could find a way to break up with her...
...so she'll still like me, and it doesn't affect the deal?
- Yeah. - Wait, wait. Hear me out.
Hear me out. Don't dismiss this. You're quick to dismiss.
Don't dismiss.
She's got a big crush on David Letterman. A big crush.
She talks about him all the time.
Suppose I go up to David Letterman.
He works at NBC. I work at NBC.
I explain my situation.
He agrees to meet her. They go out. They fall madly in love...
...and she dumps me for David Letterman.
- This is your plan? - No, no, I'm just thinking.
I don't think you are.
Well, let me tell you what I see.
Please. And be brutal. I have no closet sensitivity.
- Are you very fussy about your pants? - I don't think I am.
Because I have a very radical idea.
- Can you handle it? - Try me.
Here's what I'm proposing. We'll eliminate all this.
The hangers, the bar, the shelves, and in its place, install a series of hooks.
We'll put everything on hooks.
- Everything? - Everything.
The shirts, pants, sports jackets, pyjamas.
We can get 80 hooks on here.
You're quite mad, you know.
Oh, I don't believe this.
Hey. Well, what are you doing?
I'm watching The Bold and the Beautiful.
- No. - Wait, wait.
- This is not a good time. - Five minutes.
What did you give your TV to George for?
Because I've been watching too much. It was an addiction. I couldn't stop.
It was destroying my brain cells.
Yeah, but now you're in here all the time.
- Well- Whoa. - Marla, Kramer.
Hello.
- Go out. It's nice out. - There's nothing out there for me.
- There's weather. - I don't need weather.
Weather doesn't do it for me.
I'm telling George to give you your TV back.
No, no. I don't want it back.
Are you gonna watch the Knick game tonight?
- I don't know. - Will you tape it?
- Kramer. - Oh, yeah.
So your boyfriend never came back from Berlin.
- Never came back. - Oh, you must have been devastated...
...being left for a wall.
Well, it was about to end anyway.
There was this problem.
Excuse me one second.
- Yeah. - It's me.
Come on up.
That's Elaine. She's just a friend of mine.
I don't know what she's doing here now.
I'm sorry.
- What? - I didn't get it.
So you were saying there was this problem.
Well, he wanted me to move in with him.
- Snapple? - No, thanks.
- Go on. - Well, I wouldn't move in, because-
- Yes? - Well, because-
- Yeah? - Well, because I'm a...
...virgin.
Hello.
Hi. Marla, Elaine.
Sorry, I didn't know you had company.
- I wanted to return your tape. - Oh, thanks a lot. Two weeks late.
Now it cost me $35 to see Havana.
I'm sorry. I really am. I just kept forgetting.
- I should be going. - No, no, no. I'm leaving.
I like that thing in your hair.
Yeah? This woman was selling them...
...at this crazy party I was at last night.
You'll appreciate this. Snapple?
No, thanks.
I was talking to this guy, and I just happened to throw...
...my purse on the sofa. And my diaphragm goes flying out.
So I just froze, you know:
Staring at my diaphragm, you know? It's just lying there.
So this woman who sold me this hair thing...
...she grabbed it before the guy noticed, so I mean...
...big deal, right?
So I carry around my diaphragm. Who doesn't?
I mean, like, it's a big, big secret...
...that women carry around their diaphragms.
You never know when you're gonna need it.
I should be going.
- So we'll talk about the hooks then. - Yes.
- What, was it something I said? - She's a virgin. She just told me.
- Well, I didn't know. - Well, it's not like spotting a toupee.
Well, you think I should say something?
Should I say something, apologize?
- Was I being anti-virgin? - No, no.
- I mean- - Because I'm not anti-virgin.
- I'm gonna- I'll be right back. - Don't- Elaine. Elaine.
- Yeah? - It's George.
- She's a virgin? - A virgin.
- What are you gonna do? - I don't know.
I'm very attracted to her. That accent is so sexy.
I don't think I could do it.
They always remember the first time.
I don't wanna be remembered. I wanna be forgotten.
You need a little pioneer spirit. You don't have any of that...
...Lewis and Clark in you.
You know, sometimes those guys don't make it back.
- I'm really hungry. - Yeah, me too.
We gotta get something. I don't wanna go...
...on an empty stomach. Let's get Chinese.
- Wanna order? - All right, then we gotta get work done.
Let me just call Kramer. See if he wants anything.
Hey. We're ordering Chinese food.
If you want anything, let me know what...
...and I'll order it...
...for you.
- I'm in. Let's go for it. - All right. What do you want?
- I don't care. - All right.
Let's get a couple of dishes and share.
- All right. - What are you getting?
- I think I'm gonna get a chow fun. - What's a chow fun?
It's a broad noodle.
- What do you mean "a broad noodle"? - It's a big, flat noodle.
Well, I don't want a big, flat noodle.
- What kind of noodle do you want? - Who says I want a noodle?
I'm getting the chow fun. You don't have to have any.
I'll get the pea pods, and you can't have any of my pea pods.
- Fine. - And get extra MSG.
Look, Marla, this whole sex thing is totally overrated.
Now, the one thing you've gotta be ready for...
...is how the man changes into a completely different person...
...five seconds after it's over.
I mean, something happens to their personality.
It's really quite astounding. It's like...
...they committed a crime and wanna flee the scene before police get there.
- So they just leave? - Yeah. Pretty much, yeah.
Well, the smart ones start working on their getaway stories during dinner.
How, you know, they gotta get up early tomorrow.
It's always about being up early.
They all turn into farmers suddenly.
It must be really good to put up with all that.
Let's go. We don't have time before the meeting.
The food. What happened to Ping?
Don't worry, he'll be here. We only got two hours.
We need to come up with one good idea, we can get through this meeting.
There's your food.
Hey, what about this?
I'm in a car accident. The motorist is uninsured.
- You with me? - Yeah.
My car's totalled.
It's all his fault. Now, he has absolutely no money.
There is no way that he could pay me.
So the judge decrees...
...that he becomes my butler.
- Your butler? - Right.
He cooks my food, cleans my house, does my shopping, there you go.
That's your program.
- What about me? - Don't worry.
We find something for you.
That's the stupidest idea I ever heard.
Sentenced to be a butler.
- Ping, what happened? - There was an accident.
Head hurts.
- Head really hurts. - What happened?
Marla and I went out for coffee, and I was crossing the street.
He was biking towards me, so I got out of the way in time.
He ran into a parked car, hit his head...
...and everything went flying.
Something happened to the food?
Could only save one bag.
Should I call an ambulance? Wanna see a doctor?
I'll get some ice.
The pea pods? All you saved was the pea pods?
- Hey, you got the food? - Yeah, here.
Man, what took you so long? Hey, Ping.
- Kramer. - Yeah.
- Where's yours? - He dropped it.
Oh, that's too bad.
You should slow down. It's dangerous to go that fast.
No, no, I have green light. You jaywalk.
- Are you watching Oprah? - I did not.
You're giving him back that TV.
- Yes, you jaywalk. - No, I don't want it.
Jaywalker. I can slap a suit on you.
- What? - We've got work to do.
- What about the meeting? - An hour with Patrick Swayze.
A month and a half we had. We did nothing.
We put it off until today. We couldn't do anything...
...because Elaine runs to apologize to a virgin...
...crosses against the light and knocks over a Chinese delivery boy.
Now we're gonna make fools of ourselves. We got nothing.
You're not even in show business. I got a reputation.
You're dragging me into the sewer with you.
I've been on TV, buddy boy.
You know how fast word spreads in show business? Just like that:
One bad impression, you're out of the business!
Let's postpone it. Let's get out of here.
What? They know we're here.
I'll fake an illness. My back! My back! I can't move my back!
No, no. Would you get up?
- I could do this, Jerry. - No.
All right, I'll tell them that my sister died.
My poor sister died.
She was standing on the street, and then she was laughing...
...and then they shot her!
That's the kind of a sick city we're living in!
They shoot you for laughing!
I must go and comfort my poor family. Jerry, come on.
Take me home so I can comfort my- My poor family.
- What? - That's David Letterman.
I just saw David Letterman walk by.
Be right back.
Mr. Seinfeld, they're ready for you now.
Yes, I was very wise to hitch my wagon to his star.
- Hey, Jerry. - Hi.
How you doing? Nice to see you all.
- Hello, Jerry. I'm Rita Kirson. - Oh, nice to meet you.
- Where's Russell? - He had to go to L.A.
There's a problem on the set at Blossom.
Oh, poor Blossom.
Anyway, he asked me to sit in for him.
- Where's George? - He ran to talk to David Letterman.
- David Letterman's on the floor? - Yeah, he just walked by.
I think we should get started, anyway.
Yeah. Good idea.
- So how are you guys coming along? - Good. Good.
We've got a number of ideas.
Good.
Have you been to a Chinese restaurant...
...and they say five minutes for a table, and you wind up...
...waiting there for 30 minutes?
Well, we thought it would be very funny...
...to do an entire show...
...where all you're doing is waiting for the table.
Because we've all been in that situation.
You know, you're- You're waiting, and you're hungry...
...and you bump into somebody you know.
- When is Russell coming back? - So that's the idea?
Well, no. That's one.
We have many others.
We have an idea where-
I- I get into an accident with a guy who has no insurance...
...and the judge sentences him to be my butler.
You know, and he cooks. He has to cook for me.
And cleans my house...
...and he's doing my shopping, you know.
And I'm walking around with one of those big neck-collar things.
Those collars are funny.
You see somebody in one of those, you start laughing immediately.
Are you telling them the butler story?
Is that beautiful or what?
Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.
Russell?
- I'm Rita Kirson. - Oh, Rita.
Hey, Mr. Schirmack. How are you?
Good to see you, Stu and Jay. Always a pleasure. Hi, sweetie.
Yeah, yeah, that butler idea, that's beautiful, isn't it?
Is that a killer?
- I thought I was getting the butler. - Don't worry.
We'll find something for you.
So Letterman didn't spark to your idea, huh?
He said there was nothing he could do and next time...
...I should probably break the Prozacs in half.
Hey, wanna hold it down. I'm watching JEOPARD Y!
Would you give him back the TV?
By the way, Susan called for you a minute ago.
I'll bet they're probably doing somersaults about us over there.
You think they get butler stories like that every day?
Who is Joseph Cotten? Giddyup.
- Helo? - Yeah, hi, it's me. It's Georgie boy.
- What's going on? - What's going on?
What's going on? I'l tel you what's going on.
I'm fired.
Fired, why?
Because you kissed me.
You kissed me, you stupid idiot.
Rita caled Russel, and he fired me over the phone.
What is pi?
Giddyup again. I'm killing, man.
But I didn't- I had no idea- I didn't realize.
You didn't realize? How could you not realize? You're stupid.
You are a stupid, stupid man.
I just feel terrible. This is just terrible.
What is the cha-cha?
Yes, indeed.
I'l speak to you later.
This is great. He fired her!
This is incredible. He fired her! I'm out, baby! I'm out!
- Why'd he fire her? - Because I kissed her in the meeting!
Russell found out. He fired her over the phone!
Finally, my stupidity pays off!
What is "Here Come De Judge"? "Here Come De Judge"!
You can't break up. Her life is shattered. You got her fired.
You gotta be there for her. You gotta wait until she gets another job.
- Another job? - A couple of interviews.
Oh, this is unbelievable.
I'm stuck.
Every time I think I'm out...
...they pull me back in.
Are you going to want to leave after it's over?
You know, if we have sex.
What, leave? Where, why?
You know, the apartment.
- Why would I? This is my apartment. - Well, what if it was my apartment?
Who gave you this idea I would wanna leave?
Well, Elaine said men like to leave after it's over.
I wouldn't put stock in anything Elaine has to say...
...about relationships. She comes from a broken home.
I mean that literally. A tree fell on the roof and cracked the structure.
Her parents got along beautifully, but the house was in bad shape.
Maybe I should be going.
- And what else did you say to her? - Nothing.
I was just giving her the straight dope.
More like a dope was giving it to her straight.
Another cup of coffee with you, she'll wind up in a convent.
Listen, there was a lot more I could've told her, believe me.
And leaving after sex? Did I leave with you?
You might have, if I had stayed.
So you know what, I got served with papers today.
Ping is suing me. I need your virgin as a witness, so you better be nice to her.
I was trying to be.
Look at George. He lucked out, huh?
You're not kidding. Who figured Susan would break up with him?
- They had a good thing going. - Yeah.
Since she met him, she's been vomited on...
...her family cabin's been burned down...
...learned her father's a homosexual and got fired from a high-paying job.
Yeah, they had a real good thing going.
What do I do?
Well, actually, I'm a writer.
In fact, I'm writing a comedy pilot for NBC right now.
A sitcom?
How can you write that crap?
Carol. This guy's writing a sitcom.
A sitcom?
A sitcom.
Can you imagine?
And he actually tried to use it to hit on me.
In ancient tribal cultures, they would actually sacrifice a virgin.
I mean, they would find some girl that had never been with anybody...
...and throw her into a volcano. There's a first date you'll never forget.
She winds up in heaven, talking with Chuck Woolery, so...
"Tell me, Lisa, how did the date end?" "Not well, Chuck. Not well."
"Well, if you'd like to be thrown into a volcano again, we'll pay for it."
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