1 00:00:04,209 --> 00:00:07,724 I'm tired of pretending I'm excited every time it's somebody's birthday. 2 00:00:07,889 --> 00:00:10,483 What is the big deal? How many times do we have to... 3 00:00:10,649 --> 00:00:12,765 ...celebrate that someone was born? 4 00:00:12,929 --> 00:00:16,399 Every year, over and over. All you did was not die for 12 months. 5 00:00:16,569 --> 00:00:19,208 That's all you've done, as far as I could tell. 6 00:00:19,369 --> 00:00:21,678 I love the astrology things that tell you the people... 7 00:00:21,849 --> 00:00:23,487 ...that have the same birthday as you. 8 00:00:23,649 --> 00:00:25,367 It's always an odd group of people. 9 00:00:25,529 --> 00:00:28,202 It's like Ed Asner, Elijah Muhammed and Secretariat. 10 00:00:33,769 --> 00:00:35,600 I don't wanna live. 11 00:00:35,769 --> 00:00:38,237 I don't wanna live! 12 00:00:39,089 --> 00:00:41,000 Because of me? 13 00:00:41,169 --> 00:00:44,206 You must be joking. Who wouldn't wanna live because of me? 14 00:00:44,369 --> 00:00:46,599 - I'm nothing. - No. 15 00:00:46,769 --> 00:00:49,727 - You're something. - You can do better than me. 16 00:00:49,889 --> 00:00:52,847 You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better. 17 00:00:53,009 --> 00:00:54,283 I'm no good. 18 00:00:54,449 --> 00:00:56,599 You're good. You're good. 19 00:00:56,769 --> 00:00:58,248 I'm bad. I'm bad. 20 00:00:58,409 --> 00:01:00,127 You're killing me! 21 00:01:00,289 --> 00:01:02,962 So what could I do? I couldn't go through with it. 22 00:01:03,129 --> 00:01:04,642 She threatened to kill herself. 23 00:01:04,969 --> 00:01:06,527 Over you? 24 00:01:07,929 --> 00:01:10,079 Yes. Why, is that so inconceivable? 25 00:01:11,449 --> 00:01:13,167 - Well- - I'm trying to get in touch... 26 00:01:13,329 --> 00:01:15,604 ...with Sharon Leonard. She works for the NYU paper. 27 00:01:15,769 --> 00:01:18,886 This is Jerry Seinfeld. She was supposed to meet me for an interview. 28 00:01:19,049 --> 00:01:21,438 Oh, what are you gonna get Jerry for his birthday? 29 00:01:21,609 --> 00:01:23,565 - I got him a great gift. - Really? What? 30 00:01:23,729 --> 00:01:25,526 I got two tickets to see Guys and Dols. 31 00:01:25,689 --> 00:01:28,203 Oh, that is a good gift. 32 00:01:28,369 --> 00:01:29,643 Maybe he'll take me. 33 00:01:30,489 --> 00:01:33,128 No, I'm gonna go with him. 34 00:01:33,289 --> 00:01:34,563 What did you get him? 35 00:01:35,049 --> 00:01:38,121 - I got him a two-line phone. - Really? That's good. 36 00:01:38,289 --> 00:01:40,280 Unbelievable. She's not there. 37 00:01:40,449 --> 00:01:43,521 - What paper does she write for? - For the NYU school newspaper. 38 00:01:43,689 --> 00:01:46,601 She's a grad student in journalism. Never been to a comedy club. 39 00:01:46,769 --> 00:01:48,361 Never seen me. Has no idea who I am. 40 00:01:48,529 --> 00:01:50,440 Never even seen you? 41 00:01:50,609 --> 00:01:52,201 Gotta kind of envy that. 42 00:01:53,809 --> 00:01:56,846 You know, you've been developing quite the acid tongue lately. 43 00:01:57,769 --> 00:01:59,327 Really? 44 00:01:59,489 --> 00:02:03,164 Who do you think is the most unattractive world leader? 45 00:02:03,449 --> 00:02:05,326 - Living or all-time? - All-time. 46 00:02:05,489 --> 00:02:08,526 If it's all-time, there's no contest. It begins and ends with Brezhnev. 47 00:02:08,969 --> 00:02:11,403 I don't know. Did you ever get a good look at De Gaulle? 48 00:02:11,849 --> 00:02:14,568 Lyndon Johnson was uglier than De Gaulle. 49 00:02:14,929 --> 00:02:17,966 I got news for you. Golda Meir could make them all run up a tree. 50 00:02:19,809 --> 00:02:21,606 Golda Meir. Good one, babe. 51 00:02:23,049 --> 00:02:25,483 Hey, come here. Come here. 52 00:02:25,649 --> 00:02:28,561 Those two girls behind you, they're eavesdropping. 53 00:02:29,489 --> 00:02:32,720 - Really? - You know just because you two... 54 00:02:32,889 --> 00:02:34,447 ...are homosexuals, so what? 55 00:02:36,529 --> 00:02:41,319 I mean, you should come out of the closet and be openly gay already. 56 00:02:43,449 --> 00:02:45,246 So, what do you say? 57 00:02:47,089 --> 00:02:50,206 You know you'll always be the only man I'll ever love. 58 00:02:50,449 --> 00:02:51,962 What's the matter with you? 59 00:02:52,129 --> 00:02:55,405 - Come on. Go along. - I'm not going along. 60 00:02:55,569 --> 00:02:58,527 I could just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose-stepping past me. 61 00:02:58,689 --> 00:03:01,567 "Come on, Jerry. Go along. Go along." 62 00:03:01,809 --> 00:03:04,198 - You're no fun. - You know, I hear that all the time. 63 00:03:04,369 --> 00:03:06,564 - Hear what? - That I'm gay. People think I'm gay. 64 00:03:06,729 --> 00:03:08,367 People ask me that about you too. 65 00:03:08,529 --> 00:03:12,044 Yeah, because I'm single, I'm thin, and I'm neat. 66 00:03:13,649 --> 00:03:15,241 And you get along well with women. 67 00:03:15,409 --> 00:03:17,877 I guess that leaves me in the clear. 68 00:03:20,289 --> 00:03:22,564 Hi, Jerry, it's Sharon Leonard from the NYU paper. 69 00:03:22,729 --> 00:03:25,118 I'm here at the coffee shop, and I was a little late. 70 00:03:25,289 --> 00:03:26,688 We must have missed each other. 71 00:03:26,849 --> 00:03:28,521 - I'm going to the bathroom. - Me too. 72 00:03:28,689 --> 00:03:32,602 I'll be here for a little while longer, and I'll try to hook up with you later. 73 00:03:40,969 --> 00:03:42,482 - Hey. - Hey. 74 00:03:42,649 --> 00:03:47,006 I just thought of a great name for myself, if I ever become a porno actor. 75 00:03:48,369 --> 00:03:51,406 Oh, yeah? What? Buck Naked? 76 00:03:53,049 --> 00:03:54,926 Yeah. How did you know that? 77 00:03:55,529 --> 00:03:57,963 You told me that already. Like two months ago. 78 00:03:58,449 --> 00:04:00,360 Let me ask you something. 79 00:04:00,889 --> 00:04:02,720 What do you think of this shirt? 80 00:04:03,569 --> 00:04:05,560 Well... 81 00:04:06,209 --> 00:04:08,518 Allison bought it for me. 82 00:04:11,409 --> 00:04:14,003 - How you gonna get out of that one? - I don't know. 83 00:04:14,169 --> 00:04:16,842 I guess I have to wait for her to die. 84 00:04:20,089 --> 00:04:21,602 - Yeah? - Sharon from NYU. 85 00:04:21,769 --> 00:04:23,043 Come on up. 86 00:04:23,209 --> 00:04:25,928 - Who's that? - Oh, that's that reporter from NYU. 87 00:04:26,089 --> 00:04:28,319 She's doing the interview. I told her to come here... 88 00:04:28,489 --> 00:04:29,808 ...so we won't miss each other. 89 00:04:29,969 --> 00:04:32,483 - Do you want me to stay or...? - Sure, I don't care. 90 00:04:35,249 --> 00:04:38,446 - Hi. - Hi, I'm- I'm Sharon. 91 00:04:38,609 --> 00:04:40,440 Hi, I'm Jerry. 92 00:04:41,009 --> 00:04:43,967 - Something the matter? - No, no. Nothing. 93 00:04:44,129 --> 00:04:47,405 - You look familiar. Have we ever met? - I'm not sure. Have we? 94 00:04:47,969 --> 00:04:49,607 You look familiar. 95 00:04:49,769 --> 00:04:52,044 Why don't we do this over here? This is George. 96 00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:54,359 Oh, hi. Nice to meet you. 97 00:04:54,529 --> 00:04:57,601 - He'll hang around, if that's okay. - Sure, I'd like to talk to him. 98 00:04:57,769 --> 00:04:59,805 Oh, really? 99 00:05:00,849 --> 00:05:02,441 - Okay. - Okay. 100 00:05:02,689 --> 00:05:04,088 There we go. 101 00:05:05,009 --> 00:05:08,922 - Oh, is that a problem? - No, I just hate my voice on tape. 102 00:05:09,089 --> 00:05:11,728 It always sounds so high and whiny. 103 00:05:12,609 --> 00:05:14,122 - Well, shall we start? - Fire away. 104 00:05:14,289 --> 00:05:19,204 Okay, let's see. Are you just a comedian, or do you do anything else? 105 00:05:19,369 --> 00:05:22,122 Well, right now George and I are writing a pilot for NBC. 106 00:05:22,289 --> 00:05:23,881 Oh, so you also work together. 107 00:05:24,929 --> 00:05:26,282 Yeah. 108 00:05:27,569 --> 00:05:29,480 Jerry, did you wash this pear? 109 00:05:30,209 --> 00:05:33,997 - Yeah, I washed it. - It looks like it hasn't been washed. 110 00:05:34,249 --> 00:05:36,399 So wash it. 111 00:05:37,529 --> 00:05:39,963 You hear the way he talks to me? 112 00:05:44,009 --> 00:05:46,603 You should hear how my boyfriend talks to me. 113 00:05:47,929 --> 00:05:49,203 What? 114 00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:52,317 Hey, let me ask you something. 115 00:05:52,489 --> 00:05:53,968 What do you think of this shirt? 116 00:05:54,369 --> 00:05:55,643 It's nice. 117 00:05:56,369 --> 00:05:58,929 Jerry said he didn't like it. 118 00:05:59,089 --> 00:06:01,159 I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it was okay. 119 00:06:01,329 --> 00:06:04,446 - You said you didn't like it. - Oh, well, so what if I don't like it? 120 00:06:04,609 --> 00:06:06,918 Is that, like, the end of the world or something? 121 00:06:07,089 --> 00:06:08,841 So how did you two meet? 122 00:06:09,009 --> 00:06:11,000 Oh, actually, we met in a gym locker room. 123 00:06:11,169 --> 00:06:12,602 Yeah. 124 00:06:12,769 --> 00:06:15,761 Actually, it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes... 125 00:06:15,929 --> 00:06:17,965 ...and Jerry was spotting me. 126 00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:22,048 And I kept slipping and burning my thighs. 127 00:06:22,289 --> 00:06:25,087 And then finally I slipped, and I fell on Jerry's head. 128 00:06:27,249 --> 00:06:29,558 We've been close ever since. 129 00:06:29,729 --> 00:06:31,003 Do you guys live together? 130 00:06:31,769 --> 00:06:33,725 - Live together? - No, I got my own place. 131 00:06:33,889 --> 00:06:36,119 Oh, and do your parents know? 132 00:06:36,809 --> 00:06:38,845 - Know what? - My parents? 133 00:06:39,009 --> 00:06:40,920 They don't know what's going on. 134 00:06:42,769 --> 00:06:45,522 You're that girl in the coffee shop that was eavesdropping. 135 00:06:45,689 --> 00:06:46,963 I knew you looked familiar. 136 00:06:47,209 --> 00:06:48,528 Oh, no! No! 137 00:06:49,089 --> 00:06:51,728 - I better get going. - There's been a big misunderstanding. 138 00:06:51,969 --> 00:06:54,358 We did that for you. We knew you were eavesdropping. 139 00:06:54,529 --> 00:06:57,805 That's why my friend said all that. It was on purpose. We're not gay. 140 00:06:57,969 --> 00:06:59,721 Not that there's anything wrong with that. 141 00:06:59,889 --> 00:07:02,244 - Of course not. - It's fine, if that's who you are. 142 00:07:02,409 --> 00:07:04,320 - Absolutely. - I mean, I have gay friends. 143 00:07:04,489 --> 00:07:08,038 - My father's gay. - Look, I know what I heard. 144 00:07:08,209 --> 00:07:10,769 - Heard. It was a joke. - You wanna have sex right now? 145 00:07:10,929 --> 00:07:13,568 Do you wanna have sex with me right now? Let's go. 146 00:07:15,409 --> 00:07:18,207 Come on! Let's go, baby! Come on! 147 00:07:19,809 --> 00:07:23,484 Hey, come on. Let's go. I thought we were gonna take a steam. 148 00:07:24,449 --> 00:07:27,247 - No, I don't want any steam. - No. No steam. 149 00:07:27,409 --> 00:07:30,003 Well, I don't wanna sit there naked all by myself. 150 00:07:30,249 --> 00:07:31,728 The whole thing's your fault. 151 00:07:32,009 --> 00:07:34,569 You want me to talk to her? I'd be perfectly willing to. 152 00:07:34,769 --> 00:07:36,521 - I don't think so. - You know me... 153 00:07:36,689 --> 00:07:39,647 ...I walk into a room, problem solved. 154 00:07:40,849 --> 00:07:42,362 She says she'll think about it. 155 00:07:42,769 --> 00:07:47,047 So what, even if it does come out. It'll just be in an NYU paper. 156 00:07:47,569 --> 00:07:49,161 Why don't you take your jacket off? 157 00:07:49,329 --> 00:07:52,207 - No, I'm okay. - I'm gonna try her again. 158 00:07:52,369 --> 00:07:54,121 Boy. 159 00:07:54,329 --> 00:07:56,968 Happy birthday."Faruba!" 160 00:07:57,169 --> 00:08:01,082 - Today's not my birthday. - Well, I beg to differ. 161 00:08:01,569 --> 00:08:03,560 Well, I think I know when my birthday is. 162 00:08:03,729 --> 00:08:06,118 Yeah, well, you'd think so, but you'd be wrong. 163 00:08:08,529 --> 00:08:10,918 Maybe he's right. Maybe it is my birthday. 164 00:08:11,929 --> 00:08:13,487 Would you take the jacket off? 165 00:08:13,649 --> 00:08:16,447 Leave me alone. Get off my back about the jacket. 166 00:08:16,609 --> 00:08:18,600 - Oh, look at this. A phone. - Yeah. 167 00:08:18,769 --> 00:08:20,725 A two-line phone. 168 00:08:21,849 --> 00:08:23,567 That's terrific! Thanks a lot. 169 00:08:23,729 --> 00:08:26,038 Now when someone's on the phone, I can make a call. 170 00:08:26,209 --> 00:08:28,279 - Yeah. - Look, Elaine, a two-line phone. 171 00:08:28,649 --> 00:08:30,207 Yeah, I see it. 172 00:08:30,369 --> 00:08:31,802 I'm gonna get one myself. 173 00:08:32,009 --> 00:08:33,408 Where you going? 174 00:08:33,569 --> 00:08:35,480 I gotta go return something. 175 00:08:36,849 --> 00:08:38,601 I got a dial tone. 176 00:08:38,769 --> 00:08:40,725 - Okay, this is the maiden call. - Yeah. 177 00:08:40,889 --> 00:08:42,686 Wait, wait. I wanna get the first call. 178 00:08:42,849 --> 00:08:44,840 All right. Go to your house. I'll call you. 179 00:08:50,369 --> 00:08:52,121 - Helo. - Hello. 180 00:08:52,289 --> 00:08:54,928 Hey, it's working. This is great. Thanks a lot. 181 00:08:55,089 --> 00:08:57,808 - Happy birthday. - Wait, I got a call on the other line. 182 00:08:57,969 --> 00:09:00,688 - Okay, later. - All right, I'll talk to you later. 183 00:09:00,849 --> 00:09:03,204 - Hello? - Jerry, it's Sharon from NYU. 184 00:09:03,369 --> 00:09:05,166 - Hi. - I was just caling to tel you... 185 00:09:05,329 --> 00:09:08,082 ...I'm not gonna play up that angle we talk ed about. 186 00:09:08,249 --> 00:09:10,604 Oh, thank you very much. That's great. 187 00:09:10,769 --> 00:09:13,647 Hold on a second. I got a call on the other line. 188 00:09:13,969 --> 00:09:15,243 - Hello. - Hey. 189 00:09:15,409 --> 00:09:18,162 How you doing? I got that reporter from the newspaper... 190 00:09:18,329 --> 00:09:20,923 - ... on the other line. - So, what did she say? 191 00:09:21,089 --> 00:09:23,557 She's not gonna play up that angle in the story. 192 00:09:23,729 --> 00:09:26,197 She thinks we're heterosexual. I guess we fooled her. 193 00:09:26,369 --> 00:09:28,485 All right, I'll get rid of her. Hold on. 194 00:09:28,689 --> 00:09:30,122 Sharon? 195 00:09:30,609 --> 00:09:32,201 Hello? 196 00:09:32,729 --> 00:09:34,606 Sharon, are you there? 197 00:09:35,689 --> 00:09:38,078 - I'm back. - You know... 198 00:09:38,329 --> 00:09:40,763 ...I could hear you on the other line. 199 00:09:48,529 --> 00:09:50,087 What are you talking about? 200 00:09:50,249 --> 00:09:53,480 "Sharon, are you there?" 201 00:09:53,649 --> 00:09:56,117 You heard me talking on the other line? Are you sure? 202 00:09:56,289 --> 00:09:58,928 - Yes, I heard you. - Maybe she was disconnected. 203 00:09:59,089 --> 00:10:01,967 Maybe she wasn't. Maybe she heard the whole conversation. 204 00:10:02,129 --> 00:10:06,486 All right. Let me call Kramer, and see if you can hear anything. Hold on. 205 00:10:09,889 --> 00:10:12,608 - Helo. - The phone may have a problem. 206 00:10:12,769 --> 00:10:14,441 "The phone may have a problem." 207 00:10:14,609 --> 00:10:16,122 Oh, no! 208 00:10:17,089 --> 00:10:19,649 Kramer, this phone's a piece of junk. Goodbye. 209 00:10:19,809 --> 00:10:21,128 "This phone's a piece of junk." 210 00:10:21,289 --> 00:10:23,325 Oh, no! She's heard everything! What will we do? 211 00:10:23,489 --> 00:10:26,242 She thinks we're gay. Not that there's anything wrong with it. 212 00:10:26,409 --> 00:10:29,128 No, no, of course not. People's personal sexual preferences... 213 00:10:29,289 --> 00:10:31,041 ...are nobody's business but their own. 214 00:10:34,249 --> 00:10:35,523 - Hi. - Hi. 215 00:10:35,689 --> 00:10:37,042 Elaine, right? Nice to meet you. 216 00:10:37,209 --> 00:10:40,326 - Thanks for meeting with me. - Sure. Would you like to take a seat? 217 00:10:40,489 --> 00:10:42,081 - Sure. - Thank you. 218 00:10:42,249 --> 00:10:44,604 Why don't you take your coat off? 219 00:10:47,009 --> 00:10:49,477 So she kept insisting I take off my coat. 220 00:10:49,729 --> 00:10:53,927 I refused, and then she forcibly tried to get me to remove it. 221 00:10:54,089 --> 00:10:56,205 She didn't take her coat off in my house, either. 222 00:10:57,249 --> 00:11:00,366 You know there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on... 223 00:11:00,529 --> 00:11:02,520 ...in somebody's house, the families go to war. 224 00:11:02,769 --> 00:11:04,361 Give me a break. 225 00:11:04,569 --> 00:11:07,083 So you don't take your coat off, and now everyone at NYU... 226 00:11:07,249 --> 00:11:10,082 ...thinks I'm gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. 227 00:11:10,249 --> 00:11:11,887 Not at all. 228 00:11:13,409 --> 00:11:15,525 - Take that coat off. - I don't want to take it off. 229 00:11:15,689 --> 00:11:18,157 Take your coat off, already. 230 00:11:20,609 --> 00:11:22,679 When will we see it? I'd like to read the article. 231 00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:24,328 They're sending it to me. 232 00:11:24,489 --> 00:11:26,207 All right, well... 233 00:11:26,369 --> 00:11:29,327 - Here you go. Happy birthday. - Thank you. 234 00:11:29,889 --> 00:11:32,847 Two tickets to Guys and Dols. I'm gonna go with you. 235 00:11:35,569 --> 00:11:39,278 Guys and Dols? Isn't that a lavish Broadway musical? 236 00:11:40,289 --> 00:11:43,725 It's Guys and Dols, not Guys and Guys. 237 00:11:44,609 --> 00:11:46,918 You're right. Guys and Dols. Thanks very much. 238 00:11:47,089 --> 00:11:50,206 - All right. - All right, well... 239 00:11:50,489 --> 00:11:53,959 - Happy birthday. - Oh, Lainey! 240 00:11:56,209 --> 00:11:59,565 The Colected Works of Bette Midler. 241 00:12:03,329 --> 00:12:06,366 What? I- I thought you liked Bette Midler. 242 00:12:06,529 --> 00:12:08,121 She's all right. 243 00:12:08,289 --> 00:12:10,883 - You said you liked her. - So what? Maybe I do like her. 244 00:12:11,049 --> 00:12:13,517 - So what? - So nothing. 245 00:12:15,809 --> 00:12:18,767 - Well, thanks for the CDs. - Yeah, you're welcome. 246 00:12:20,649 --> 00:12:24,324 Why are those two people pointing at you over there? 247 00:12:24,849 --> 00:12:26,328 I don't know. 248 00:12:31,129 --> 00:12:32,926 - What've you got there? - The New York Post. 249 00:12:33,089 --> 00:12:35,239 They've got an article about you. 250 00:12:36,209 --> 00:12:38,518 "Although they maintain separate residences... 251 00:12:38,689 --> 00:12:43,683 ...the comedian and his longtime companion seem to be inseparable." 252 00:12:43,849 --> 00:12:46,283 Oh, no, The Associated Press picked up the NYU story. 253 00:12:46,449 --> 00:12:47,802 That's gonna be in every paper. 254 00:12:47,969 --> 00:12:50,483 I've been outed. I wasn't even in. 255 00:12:52,169 --> 00:12:53,887 Now everyone's gonna think we're gay. 256 00:12:54,049 --> 00:12:56,609 Not that there's anything wrong with that. 257 00:12:56,769 --> 00:12:57,963 No, not at all. 258 00:13:03,369 --> 00:13:07,248 "Within the confines of his fastidious bachelor pad... 259 00:13:07,409 --> 00:13:11,402 ...Seinfeld and Costanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of fruit... 260 00:13:11,569 --> 00:13:15,039 ...like an old married couple." I told you that pear was washed. 261 00:13:19,849 --> 00:13:22,158 I thought we were friends. 262 00:13:26,769 --> 00:13:28,282 Here we go. 263 00:13:28,449 --> 00:13:30,838 I mean, how could you two keep this a secret from me? 264 00:13:31,009 --> 00:13:33,967 - It's not true. - Enough lying. 265 00:13:34,129 --> 00:13:35,721 The lying is through. 266 00:13:35,889 --> 00:13:38,198 Come on, Jerry, the masquerade is over. 267 00:13:38,369 --> 00:13:41,327 You're thin, late 30s, single. 268 00:13:41,729 --> 00:13:44,163 - So are you. - Yeah. 269 00:13:54,609 --> 00:13:56,679 - Hello. - George? 270 00:13:57,169 --> 00:13:58,727 Mrs. Seinfeld? 271 00:13:58,889 --> 00:14:01,562 Oh, my God. 272 00:14:02,649 --> 00:14:05,288 Oh, my God. Ma? 273 00:14:05,449 --> 00:14:07,041 - Jerry? - Ma. 274 00:14:07,209 --> 00:14:09,006 Oh, my God! 275 00:14:09,209 --> 00:14:11,359 My mother! 276 00:14:12,889 --> 00:14:15,244 - Jerry. - Ma, it's not true. 277 00:14:15,449 --> 00:14:17,804 It was those culottes you made him wear when he was 5. 278 00:14:17,969 --> 00:14:20,039 They weren't culottes. They were shorts. 279 00:14:20,209 --> 00:14:23,440 They were culottes! You bought them in the girls' department. 280 00:14:23,609 --> 00:14:27,238 By mistake. By mistake, Jerry. I'm sorry. 281 00:14:27,409 --> 00:14:30,321 It looked like he was wearing a skirt, for crying out loud. 282 00:14:30,489 --> 00:14:32,127 It has nothing to do with the culottes. 283 00:14:32,289 --> 00:14:34,757 Not that there's anything wrong with that, Jerry. 284 00:14:36,929 --> 00:14:41,002 I open up the paper, and this is what I have to read about? 285 00:14:41,169 --> 00:14:42,887 I fell right off the toilet. 286 00:14:44,369 --> 00:14:46,803 My back went out again. I couldn't move. 287 00:14:46,969 --> 00:14:49,005 The super had to come and help me up. 288 00:14:49,169 --> 00:14:50,727 I was half-naked. 289 00:14:52,209 --> 00:14:53,562 It's not true. 290 00:14:53,849 --> 00:14:56,204 Every day it's something else with you. 291 00:14:56,369 --> 00:14:58,280 I don't know anything about you anymore. 292 00:14:58,449 --> 00:15:01,282 Who are you? What kind of life are you leading? 293 00:15:01,569 --> 00:15:05,926 Who knows what you're doing. Maybe you're making porno films. 294 00:15:06,169 --> 00:15:07,443 Yeah. 295 00:15:07,609 --> 00:15:08,837 I'm Buck Naked. 296 00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:12,046 You're who? Buck Naked? 297 00:15:12,209 --> 00:15:16,043 Jerry, I can see. He's so neat and thin. 298 00:15:16,209 --> 00:15:17,881 Not that there's anything wrong with it. 299 00:15:18,049 --> 00:15:19,721 Of course not. 300 00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:25,765 Six-thirty, Scott. Time for your sponge bath. 301 00:15:29,289 --> 00:15:32,520 Six-thirty already? I fell asleep. 302 00:15:32,689 --> 00:15:37,001 Let me help you off with that. Here, I'll Just slip it over your head. 303 00:15:41,609 --> 00:15:46,967 - The water's nice and warm, isn't it? - Oh, that feels really good. 304 00:15:48,689 --> 00:15:51,487 George, are you telling me the truth? 305 00:15:52,369 --> 00:15:54,758 George, I'm talking to you! 306 00:15:58,889 --> 00:16:00,641 Guess who left a message on my machine. 307 00:16:00,809 --> 00:16:04,119 That reporter from NYU. I wonder what she wants. 308 00:16:07,929 --> 00:16:09,999 All right. Now the play is tomorrow night. 309 00:16:10,169 --> 00:16:12,603 Would you like dinner first or just meet at the theatre? 310 00:16:12,769 --> 00:16:15,044 Excuse me, sir, I'm sorry to bother you. 311 00:16:15,209 --> 00:16:18,326 I want you to know that it took a lot of guts to come out how you did... 312 00:16:18,489 --> 00:16:20,525 ...and that you've inspired me to do the same... 313 00:16:20,689 --> 00:16:23,647 ...even though that may mean a discharge from the service. Thanks. 314 00:16:32,529 --> 00:16:35,601 You know, I think I'll pass on the Guys and Dols. 315 00:16:36,009 --> 00:16:37,283 All right, fine, don't go. 316 00:16:37,449 --> 00:16:40,202 I try and go out and do something special for your birthday... 317 00:16:40,369 --> 00:16:43,088 ...and this is the thanks I get. Everything's tainted now. 318 00:16:43,249 --> 00:16:47,686 - Would you keep your voice down? - No, I will not keep my voice down! 319 00:16:47,889 --> 00:16:49,959 Nothing can make me keep my voice down! 320 00:16:50,129 --> 00:16:54,281 If you boys cannot control yourselves... 321 00:16:54,449 --> 00:16:57,282 ...then I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. 322 00:17:05,889 --> 00:17:08,357 - Fine, I'll take Elaine. - Yes. 323 00:17:08,529 --> 00:17:11,168 Just don't say anything to Allison. 324 00:17:11,329 --> 00:17:13,524 No, I won't. Did she see the article? 325 00:17:13,689 --> 00:17:17,602 - No. Just imagine her reaction. - Yeah. 326 00:17:17,969 --> 00:17:20,039 - Oh, my God. - What? 327 00:17:20,329 --> 00:17:22,479 She hasn't seen the article. 328 00:17:22,889 --> 00:17:26,245 When she sees it, she's gonna think... 329 00:17:26,649 --> 00:17:30,278 I'm out, baby! I'm out! 330 00:17:34,649 --> 00:17:37,117 Yeah, so? 331 00:17:37,289 --> 00:17:38,608 "Yeah, so?" 332 00:17:38,769 --> 00:17:41,158 Well, this is nice. They mention your name. 333 00:17:41,329 --> 00:17:42,762 Don't you see what it says here? 334 00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:44,840 Don't you understand what that's implying? 335 00:17:45,009 --> 00:17:46,761 No. What? 336 00:17:47,209 --> 00:17:50,246 I'm gay. I'm a gay man. 337 00:17:50,409 --> 00:17:52,320 I'm very, very gay. 338 00:17:52,609 --> 00:17:55,407 - You're gay? - Extraordinarily gay. 339 00:17:55,569 --> 00:17:57,321 Steeped in gayness. 340 00:17:58,929 --> 00:18:00,328 I don't believe it. 341 00:18:01,169 --> 00:18:02,568 You don't believe me, ask Jerry. 342 00:18:03,089 --> 00:18:04,727 - I will. - What do you mean, you will? 343 00:18:04,889 --> 00:18:06,322 No, no, no. That's a bad idea. 344 00:18:06,489 --> 00:18:10,846 - Jerry's a very private person. - I wanna hear it from Jerry. 345 00:18:18,249 --> 00:18:20,046 Oh, can you ever forgive me? 346 00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:23,322 I don't know. 347 00:18:29,569 --> 00:18:31,844 All right, I forgive you. 348 00:18:32,849 --> 00:18:35,727 You know, the funny thing is, I was attracted to you immediately. 349 00:18:35,889 --> 00:18:38,278 I was attracted to you too. You remind me of Lois Lane. 350 00:18:50,209 --> 00:18:52,962 Jerry! Oh, my God! What are you doing? 351 00:18:54,849 --> 00:18:56,043 What? 352 00:18:56,569 --> 00:18:58,082 You're with a woman! 353 00:18:58,249 --> 00:19:00,479 I know. What are you doing here? 354 00:19:00,649 --> 00:19:04,722 I leave you alone for two seconds, and this is what you do? 355 00:19:04,889 --> 00:19:06,845 I trusted you! 356 00:19:07,769 --> 00:19:09,919 - Would you get the hell out of here? - Stop it. 357 00:19:10,089 --> 00:19:12,284 - What-? What's going on? - Yeah, what's going on? 358 00:19:12,449 --> 00:19:13,723 All right. Tell her. Go ahead. 359 00:19:13,889 --> 00:19:15,561 - Tell her what? - You know, about us. 360 00:19:15,729 --> 00:19:17,526 - Are you crazy? - Tell her, Jerry. Tell her. 361 00:19:17,689 --> 00:19:20,044 I'm telling her nothing. Do you know what you're saying? 362 00:19:20,209 --> 00:19:21,767 This- This is too weird. 363 00:19:21,929 --> 00:19:24,523 Wait a minute. You wrote the article. Go ahead. Tell her. 364 00:19:24,689 --> 00:19:25,838 I'm out of here. 365 00:19:26,009 --> 00:19:29,319 It's not true! It's not true! 366 00:19:29,489 --> 00:19:32,367 Not that there's anything wrong with that. 367 00:19:33,569 --> 00:19:36,481 - You stupid idiot. - Oh, please don't be upset. 368 00:19:36,649 --> 00:19:38,605 Oh, would you stop it with that stuff? 369 00:19:39,329 --> 00:19:41,718 What's going on? 370 00:19:41,889 --> 00:19:43,561 All right, I'll tell you the truth. 371 00:19:44,009 --> 00:19:46,159 I'm not gay. 372 00:19:46,529 --> 00:19:49,441 My name's Buck Naked. I'm a porno actor. 373 00:19:56,049 --> 00:19:58,324 - Really? - Oh, my God. 374 00:19:59,449 --> 00:20:01,679 - Hey, how you doing? - How you doing? 375 00:20:02,929 --> 00:20:04,601 Hello. 376 00:20:05,169 --> 00:20:07,046 - Hi. How are you? - Hi. How are you? 377 00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:09,803 All right, we'll see you later. 378 00:20:14,129 --> 00:20:16,597 He's the phone man. 379 00:20:19,409 --> 00:20:22,958 Not that there's anything wrong with that. 380 00:20:30,929 --> 00:20:32,521 I am not gay. 381 00:20:33,809 --> 00:20:36,846 I am, however, thin, single and neat. 382 00:20:37,009 --> 00:20:38,681 When someone is thin, single and neat... 383 00:20:38,849 --> 00:20:41,317 ...people assume they're gay because that's the stereotype. 384 00:20:41,489 --> 00:20:44,686 We normally don't think of gay people as fat, sloppy and married. 385 00:20:45,009 --> 00:20:48,206 Although I'm sure there are, I don't want to perpetuate the stereotype. 386 00:20:48,369 --> 00:20:51,247 I'm sure they're the minority, though, within the gay community. 387 00:20:51,409 --> 00:20:54,287 Probably discriminated against. Because of that, people say to them: 388 00:20:54,449 --> 00:20:56,485 "You know, Joe, I enjoy being gay with you... 389 00:20:56,649 --> 00:21:00,562 ...but it's about time you got in shape, tucked your shirt in and lost the wife." 390 00:21:01,809 --> 00:21:04,243 If people are gonna assume that neat people are gay... 391 00:21:04,409 --> 00:21:06,001 ...instead of doing this: 392 00:21:06,169 --> 00:21:07,761 "I think Joe might be a little-" 393 00:21:07,929 --> 00:21:10,921 They should vacuum. "You know, I think Joe might be-" 394 00:21:11,929 --> 00:21:13,203 Yeah. 395 00:21:13,649 --> 00:21:16,561 I got a feeling he's a little- 396 00:21:24,369 --> 00:21:26,360 Subtitles by SDl Media Group