1 00:00:04,750 --> 00:00:04,750 The life expectancy now is 72, I think, for men. 2 00:00:05,785 --> 00:00:08,060 Seventy-five or six or something for women. 3 00:00:08,225 --> 00:00:10,614 It's amazing to think that a couple thousand years ago... 4 00:00:10,785 --> 00:00:12,537 ...life expectancy was 30. 5 00:00:12,705 --> 00:00:16,698 Which, in our terms, would mean you get your driver's license around 5... 6 00:00:16,865 --> 00:00:19,743 ...you'd marry at 9, divorced at 15. 7 00:00:19,905 --> 00:00:22,703 In your late teens, you move down to Florida. 8 00:00:22,865 --> 00:00:25,902 I guess that's how spring break got started. I don't know. 9 00:00:26,065 --> 00:00:28,135 And eventually people say things about you, like: 10 00:00:28,305 --> 00:00:30,773 "Well, it's amazing, he's 28, but he's still very alert. 11 00:00:30,945 --> 00:00:34,176 His mind is so sharp, you would think you're talking to a 2-year-old." 12 00:00:40,065 --> 00:00:42,215 What's the point? 13 00:00:42,625 --> 00:00:48,222 When I like them, they don't like me. When they like me, I don't like them. 14 00:00:49,145 --> 00:00:51,739 Why can't I act with ones I like the way I do with ones I don't? 15 00:00:51,905 --> 00:00:56,217 Well, you've only got another 50 years or so to go and it'll all be over. 16 00:00:58,745 --> 00:01:01,942 Maybe I need someone who doesn't speak English. 17 00:01:02,265 --> 00:01:04,221 Yeah, how about a mute? 18 00:01:05,345 --> 00:01:07,097 A mute would be good. 19 00:01:07,785 --> 00:01:09,662 Where you gonna meet a mute? 20 00:01:09,825 --> 00:01:12,942 This is what my life has come to: Trying to meet a mute. 21 00:01:13,945 --> 00:01:16,505 I don't know, Jerry. Something's missing. 22 00:01:16,665 --> 00:01:20,214 There's a void, Jerry. There's a void. 23 00:01:20,385 --> 00:01:23,104 A deep, yawning chasm. 24 00:01:23,865 --> 00:01:26,459 Well, there's gotta be more to life than this. 25 00:01:26,625 --> 00:01:28,934 What gives you pleasure? 26 00:01:29,105 --> 00:01:30,902 Listening to you. 27 00:01:31,065 --> 00:01:33,499 I listen to this for 15 minutes, I'm on top of the world. 28 00:01:33,665 --> 00:01:35,895 Your misery is my pleasure. 29 00:01:36,305 --> 00:01:38,261 - Hey, boys. - Hey, how you doing? 30 00:01:38,425 --> 00:01:42,100 Good. Okay. Well, it's all set. I start tomorrow. 31 00:01:42,265 --> 00:01:44,699 - Start what? - I signed up to do volunteer work... 32 00:01:44,865 --> 00:01:46,901 - ... with senior citizens. - Really? 33 00:01:47,065 --> 00:01:49,659 Yeah. God. I can't tell you how I feel. 34 00:01:49,825 --> 00:01:53,340 I mean, I feel so good. I really feel good. 35 00:01:53,505 --> 00:01:56,224 The strange thing is, I mean, I haven't even met the woman yet. 36 00:01:56,385 --> 00:01:58,774 - Volunteer work? - What are you gonna do down there? 37 00:01:58,945 --> 00:02:01,459 They say all it is is you go over to their apartment and... 38 00:02:01,625 --> 00:02:04,298 ...you take them out for a walk and you get a cup of coffee... 39 00:02:04,465 --> 00:02:06,615 ...and it's supposed to make them feel good. 40 00:02:06,785 --> 00:02:08,855 That's what I do with him. 41 00:02:10,945 --> 00:02:12,697 Wait. When did you get this idea? 42 00:02:12,865 --> 00:02:14,537 Last time I had lunch with you here. 43 00:02:14,705 --> 00:02:17,583 You were going on and on and on about how you wanna... 44 00:02:17,745 --> 00:02:19,861 ...meet somebody who didn't speak English. 45 00:02:21,265 --> 00:02:24,337 What, do you break it in with her then you try it out on me? 46 00:02:25,465 --> 00:02:28,184 - And anybody could do this? - Yeah. 47 00:02:28,345 --> 00:02:29,824 Really? 48 00:02:29,985 --> 00:02:31,862 Helping people. 49 00:02:32,385 --> 00:02:34,137 Of course. 50 00:02:34,305 --> 00:02:35,738 Of course. 51 00:02:35,905 --> 00:02:38,100 It makes perfect sense. 52 00:02:38,265 --> 00:02:40,415 How could I not be doing this? 53 00:02:40,585 --> 00:02:43,736 - I am gonna help somebody, damn it. - What about you? 54 00:02:43,905 --> 00:02:45,133 No, it's not for me. 55 00:02:45,305 --> 00:02:47,500 Jerry, if anybody should be doing this, it's you. 56 00:02:47,665 --> 00:02:50,384 What kind of a person are you? 57 00:02:50,705 --> 00:02:52,616 I think I'm pretty much like you. 58 00:02:52,785 --> 00:02:55,174 Only successful. 59 00:03:00,985 --> 00:03:03,055 This is a wonderful thing. They're so grateful... 60 00:03:03,225 --> 00:03:04,624 ...to have someone to talk to. 61 00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:06,980 And I can tell you that everyone who participates... 62 00:03:07,145 --> 00:03:09,022 ...finds the experience extremely rewarding. 63 00:03:09,185 --> 00:03:10,903 Well, I feel better already. 64 00:03:11,065 --> 00:03:13,260 I mean, I'm feeling like a good person. 65 00:03:14,025 --> 00:03:15,617 - Good luck. - Thank you. 66 00:03:16,105 --> 00:03:17,823 Thank you. 67 00:03:18,385 --> 00:03:20,182 Hey, hey, what's your guy's name again? 68 00:03:20,345 --> 00:03:22,301 Fields. Sidney Fields. 69 00:03:22,465 --> 00:03:25,662 Eighty-seven years old. Eighty-seven. 70 00:03:25,825 --> 00:03:30,376 - How about your guy? - Ben Cantwell, 85. 71 00:03:30,545 --> 00:03:32,137 You think we'll make it to that age? 72 00:03:32,305 --> 00:03:33,897 We? No. 73 00:03:36,385 --> 00:03:38,103 - Hey. - Hey. 74 00:03:41,385 --> 00:03:43,535 So, what's up, diggety-dog? 75 00:03:43,705 --> 00:03:46,663 George and I just signed up with the senior citizens volunteer agency. 76 00:03:46,825 --> 00:03:48,053 Same thing Elaine's doing. 77 00:03:48,225 --> 00:03:49,578 Oh, that's too bad. 78 00:03:50,425 --> 00:03:51,904 Don't say I didn't try to warn you. 79 00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:55,899 - What are you talking about? - Oh, Jerry, I'm surprised at you. 80 00:03:56,065 --> 00:03:57,817 - What? - It's a con. 81 00:03:57,985 --> 00:04:01,978 These agencies are usually a front for some money-laundering scheme. 82 00:04:02,145 --> 00:04:03,464 Or they're bunco artists. 83 00:04:03,625 --> 00:04:07,174 Bilking people out of their life savings. Oh, yeah. 84 00:04:08,265 --> 00:04:11,098 - Where do you get this? - The alternative media, Jerry. 85 00:04:11,265 --> 00:04:13,256 That's where you hear the truth. 86 00:04:13,425 --> 00:04:15,700 Kramer? Kramer? 87 00:04:15,865 --> 00:04:20,063 Kramer! Where are you? Kramer! 88 00:04:20,225 --> 00:04:22,693 Come on, I'm in here. Come on. 89 00:04:23,505 --> 00:04:24,699 - There you are. - Yeah. 90 00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:27,333 Hello, Newman. 91 00:04:28,785 --> 00:04:31,902 Jerry. George. So did you ask him about the records? 92 00:04:32,065 --> 00:04:33,293 - Well- - What records? 93 00:04:33,465 --> 00:04:38,619 Newman and I are going partners, selling used records. 94 00:04:45,185 --> 00:04:46,823 You know Ron's Records down on Bleecker? 95 00:04:46,985 --> 00:04:48,498 They pay big cash for used records. 96 00:04:48,665 --> 00:04:50,496 So we thought if you had any of those big... 97 00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:53,338 ...old-fashioned useless records just lying around, you know- 98 00:04:53,505 --> 00:04:55,097 We'd take them off your hands. Free. 99 00:04:55,265 --> 00:04:58,143 Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman? 100 00:04:58,305 --> 00:05:00,739 I'm a United States postal worker. 101 00:05:01,825 --> 00:05:03,736 Aren't those the guys that always go crazy... 102 00:05:03,905 --> 00:05:05,975 ...and come back with a gun and shoot everybody? 103 00:05:06,665 --> 00:05:08,781 Sometimes. 104 00:05:10,545 --> 00:05:13,662 - Why is that? - Because the mail never stops. 105 00:05:13,825 --> 00:05:15,861 It just keeps coming and coming and coming. 106 00:05:16,025 --> 00:05:17,424 Never a letup. It's relentless. 107 00:05:17,585 --> 00:05:20,258 Every day it piles up more and more and you gotta get it out... 108 00:05:20,425 --> 00:05:21,858 ...but more keeps coming in! 109 00:05:22,025 --> 00:05:25,017 Then the bar code reader breaks, and it's Publishers Clearing House day! 110 00:05:25,185 --> 00:05:26,777 All right, all right, all right. 111 00:05:26,945 --> 00:05:29,334 Just take the records. They're in the bedroom. Take them. 112 00:05:29,505 --> 00:05:31,973 - Take anything you want. - Yeah, yeah. 113 00:05:36,185 --> 00:05:38,016 I'll give you 5 bucks. 114 00:05:38,625 --> 00:05:39,944 - Five bucks? - Five bucks? 115 00:05:40,105 --> 00:05:43,859 - Do you know what those are worth? - Yeah, I do. Five dollars. 116 00:05:44,025 --> 00:05:46,061 Those records are worth more than 5 dollars. 117 00:05:46,225 --> 00:05:48,056 - He's gypping us. - You're gypping us. 118 00:05:48,225 --> 00:05:51,342 Well, what do you got? You know, you got Don Ho Live In Hono/u/u. 119 00:05:51,505 --> 00:05:54,463 You got Jerry Va/e Sings Ita/ian Love Songs. 120 00:05:54,625 --> 00:05:56,695 And you got Sergio Mendes. Now, come on! 121 00:05:56,865 --> 00:05:59,095 Wait, wait, wait. Sergio Mendes has a cult following. 122 00:05:59,265 --> 00:06:00,698 Why, they follow him like a cult. 123 00:06:00,865 --> 00:06:02,742 Can't walk down the street in South America. 124 00:06:02,905 --> 00:06:06,659 Look, that's his problem, all right? Now, you don't like it? Too bad. 125 00:06:06,825 --> 00:06:09,100 - I don't like it. - I don't like it. 126 00:06:09,265 --> 00:06:10,823 Then get out of my store, all right? 127 00:06:10,985 --> 00:06:13,943 You bring me something decent, I'll give you some money. 128 00:06:14,105 --> 00:06:16,221 - All right, we'll be back, Jack. - All right. 129 00:06:16,385 --> 00:06:18,137 - Come on. - We'll be back... 130 00:06:18,305 --> 00:06:19,533 ...Jack. 131 00:06:26,465 --> 00:06:28,695 Hi. I'm Jerry Seinfeld. The agency sent me. 132 00:06:28,865 --> 00:06:32,221 - Agency? - Yeah. Is this Sid Fields' residence? 133 00:06:32,385 --> 00:06:35,661 - Sid Fields? - What the hell is it? 134 00:06:35,825 --> 00:06:37,178 - Mr. Fields? - What? 135 00:06:37,345 --> 00:06:39,620 Hi. I'm Jerry Seinfeld. The agency sent me. 136 00:06:39,785 --> 00:06:43,937 The agency? What agency? The CIA? 137 00:06:44,665 --> 00:06:46,621 - No, no, the senior- - Who let you in here? 138 00:06:46,785 --> 00:06:48,855 - The woman. - Oh, her. 139 00:06:49,025 --> 00:06:54,019 She steals from me. Steals my money. She says she doesn't speak English. 140 00:06:54,185 --> 00:06:56,653 My ass, she doesn't speak English. 141 00:06:56,825 --> 00:07:00,374 Plays that freaking voodoo music. 142 00:07:00,545 --> 00:07:03,343 Tries to hypnotize me. 143 00:07:03,505 --> 00:07:05,655 She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie... 144 00:07:05,825 --> 00:07:07,417 ...and then rob me blind. 145 00:07:08,225 --> 00:07:10,102 Well, I wasn't born yesterday. 146 00:07:10,265 --> 00:07:14,099 I might drop dead today, but I sure as hell wasn't born yesterday. 147 00:07:14,265 --> 00:07:16,221 Now, get the hell out of my house. 148 00:07:17,225 --> 00:07:19,693 But, Mr. Fields, I'm here to spend some time with you. 149 00:07:19,865 --> 00:07:21,776 Oh, really? 150 00:07:21,945 --> 00:07:25,301 Are you the boyfriend? I know she's got a boyfriend. 151 00:07:25,465 --> 00:07:28,935 Are you gonna kill me? I'm an old man, for crying out loud. 152 00:07:29,105 --> 00:07:31,096 You gonna kill an old man, you coward? 153 00:07:31,265 --> 00:07:33,574 No, Mr. Fields. Look. Really. I'm- Here's my ident- 154 00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:36,703 I can't read that, you fool. 155 00:07:36,865 --> 00:07:39,777 - Well, what's all this stuff? - Trash. Garbage. 156 00:07:40,945 --> 00:07:42,060 You're throwing this out? 157 00:07:42,225 --> 00:07:46,059 I believe that's what you do with garbage, you idiot. 158 00:07:48,065 --> 00:07:49,578 Really? You don't want any of this? 159 00:07:49,745 --> 00:07:55,377 Well, if I wanted it, I wouldn't be throwing it away, would I, Einstein? 160 00:07:55,545 --> 00:07:57,900 I have friends that would really love to have these. 161 00:07:58,065 --> 00:08:02,217 Well, take it. I sure as hell am not gonna give it to my family. 162 00:08:02,385 --> 00:08:05,183 Well, do you wanna go out and go for a walk, get a cup of coffee? 163 00:08:05,345 --> 00:08:06,414 With you? 164 00:08:06,585 --> 00:08:08,541 I'd rather be dead. 165 00:08:09,425 --> 00:08:11,336 Well, maybe I'll get going, then. 166 00:08:12,185 --> 00:08:15,097 I just remembered I got an appointment to get my tonsils out. 167 00:08:15,265 --> 00:08:18,257 Good. Thank God. Good riddance. 168 00:08:18,585 --> 00:08:21,099 Oh, listen, before you go... 169 00:08:21,265 --> 00:08:23,699 ...would you mind changing my diaper? 170 00:08:29,985 --> 00:08:32,624 Oh, I feel great for 85. 171 00:08:32,785 --> 00:08:38,018 You know, the average life span for an American male is, like, 72. 172 00:08:38,985 --> 00:08:40,498 You're really... 173 00:08:40,665 --> 00:08:43,225 ...kind of pushing the envelope there. 174 00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:48,019 I'm not afraid to die, and I never think about it. 175 00:08:48,265 --> 00:08:49,664 You don't? 176 00:08:49,825 --> 00:08:52,055 Boy, I think about it a lot. 177 00:08:52,225 --> 00:08:53,624 I think about it at my age. 178 00:08:53,785 --> 00:08:56,538 Imagine how much I'll be thinking about it at your age. 179 00:08:56,705 --> 00:08:59,538 All I'll do is keep thinking about it till it drives me insane. 180 00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:02,060 I'm grateful for every moment I have. 181 00:09:02,225 --> 00:09:04,056 Grateful? 182 00:09:04,225 --> 00:09:08,104 How can you be grateful when you're so close to the end? 183 00:09:08,265 --> 00:09:10,381 When you know that any second: 184 00:09:10,785 --> 00:09:13,345 It could all be over. I mean, you're not stupid. 185 00:09:13,505 --> 00:09:15,655 You can read the handwriting on the wall. 186 00:09:15,825 --> 00:09:18,464 It's a matter of simple arithmetic, for God's sake. 187 00:09:19,425 --> 00:09:21,177 I guess I just don't care. 188 00:09:21,345 --> 00:09:23,540 What are you talking about? 189 00:09:23,705 --> 00:09:25,661 How can you sit there and look me in the eye... 190 00:09:25,825 --> 00:09:28,942 ...and tell me that you're not worried? Don't you have any sense? 191 00:09:29,105 --> 00:09:30,299 Don't you have a brain? 192 00:09:30,465 --> 00:09:32,660 Are you so completely senile you don't even know... 193 00:09:32,825 --> 00:09:34,577 ...what you're talking about anymore? 194 00:09:34,745 --> 00:09:36,781 Wait a second. Where are you going? 195 00:09:36,945 --> 00:09:39,584 Life's too short to waste on you. 196 00:09:39,745 --> 00:09:43,454 - Whoa, whoa, please. - Get out of my way. 197 00:09:44,705 --> 00:09:48,220 But, Mr. Cantwell, you owe me for the soup. 198 00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:02,382 - Mrs. Oliver? - Yes, my dear? 199 00:10:07,905 --> 00:10:11,454 - What's the trouble? Are you all right? - Yeah. 200 00:10:11,625 --> 00:10:14,185 Yeah- Yes. Yeah. 201 00:10:14,985 --> 00:10:17,977 It's my goitre, isn't it? 202 00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:22,858 Did you say goitre? What goitre? 203 00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:28,341 This football-shaped lump jutting out the side of my neck. 204 00:10:32,945 --> 00:10:34,776 That goitre. 205 00:10:35,465 --> 00:10:37,421 Hey. 206 00:10:41,465 --> 00:10:43,581 What do you know? 207 00:10:44,865 --> 00:10:46,696 Does it bother you? 208 00:10:46,865 --> 00:10:49,254 Bother me? 209 00:10:49,425 --> 00:10:51,893 Why would a little goitre like that bother me? 210 00:10:52,065 --> 00:10:55,978 No. Not a bit. It's nothing. It's nothing. It's... 211 00:10:56,145 --> 00:10:59,581 In fact, it's very distinctive. You know? 212 00:10:59,745 --> 00:11:02,305 I mean, you wanna know something? 213 00:11:02,465 --> 00:11:04,854 I wish I had one. 214 00:11:06,985 --> 00:11:08,418 Really. 215 00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:13,663 Come on, E/aine, it's just a goitre. 216 00:11:13,825 --> 00:11:17,500 I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't look the woman in the face. 217 00:11:18,385 --> 00:11:22,060 I mean, I keep thinking that goitre's gonna start talking to me. 218 00:11:24,225 --> 00:11:27,183 You'd think that they'd mention that before they sent you over there. 219 00:11:27,345 --> 00:11:31,258 "Oh, by the way, this woman almost has a second head." 220 00:11:32,705 --> 00:11:35,902 But no, no. I didn't get any goitre information. 221 00:11:36,065 --> 00:11:40,536 They really should mention that in the breakdown. Height. Weight. Goitre. 222 00:11:40,705 --> 00:11:42,377 You know, you try to do some good. 223 00:11:42,545 --> 00:11:45,617 You wanna be a good person, but this is too much to ask. 224 00:11:45,785 --> 00:11:48,345 Well, I'd rather talk to a goitre with a nice disposition... 225 00:11:48,505 --> 00:11:50,780 ...than the nut they sent me to. 226 00:11:52,465 --> 00:11:54,137 Georgie, what happened with your guy? 227 00:11:54,665 --> 00:11:57,099 I don't think it's gonna work out. 228 00:11:57,585 --> 00:11:59,735 - What do you mean? - He fired me. 229 00:12:01,305 --> 00:12:02,658 He fired you? 230 00:12:02,825 --> 00:12:05,817 How do you get fired from a volunteer job? 231 00:12:06,505 --> 00:12:11,181 I don't know. I was just talking to the man, and he walked out on me. 232 00:12:11,345 --> 00:12:13,495 Well, I don't know about you two, but I'm quitting. 233 00:12:13,665 --> 00:12:15,462 I hate my guy. 234 00:12:15,625 --> 00:12:18,093 He's a mean, mean guy. 235 00:12:18,545 --> 00:12:20,775 - I wish I could quit. - So quit. 236 00:12:20,945 --> 00:12:23,015 Yeah, I'm a great quitter. 237 00:12:23,705 --> 00:12:25,616 It's one of the few things I do well. 238 00:12:25,785 --> 00:12:28,094 I come from a long line of quitters. 239 00:12:28,265 --> 00:12:31,223 My father was a quitter. My grandfather was a quitter. 240 00:12:31,385 --> 00:12:33,774 I was raised to give up. 241 00:12:35,585 --> 00:12:37,018 - Hey. - Hey. 242 00:12:37,185 --> 00:12:39,176 Well, here's your albums. 243 00:12:39,345 --> 00:12:41,017 - What happened? - Five dollars. 244 00:12:41,185 --> 00:12:44,382 - He offered us 5 dollars. - What kind of stuff you listening to? 245 00:12:44,545 --> 00:12:46,456 You embarrassed me at that store. 246 00:12:46,625 --> 00:12:49,093 That guy thought we were a couple of total squares. 247 00:12:49,265 --> 00:12:51,221 Oh, yeah, you and your Sergio Mendes. 248 00:12:51,385 --> 00:12:54,582 Hey, that guy can't even go to the bathroom in South America. 249 00:12:54,745 --> 00:12:56,224 You should have seen the albums... 250 00:12:56,385 --> 00:12:58,694 ...this old guy I was visiting today was throwing away. 251 00:12:58,865 --> 00:13:02,096 Sinatra, Duke Ellington, Al Jolson, Benny Goodman. 252 00:13:02,265 --> 00:13:05,223 - Wait, he's throwing them out? - I asked if my friends could have them. 253 00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:06,943 - He said, "Yeah." - The coot's sitting... 254 00:13:07,105 --> 00:13:08,777 - ... on a mountain of gold. - Yeah. 255 00:13:08,945 --> 00:13:10,776 You have to get them. I'm not carrying them. 256 00:13:10,945 --> 00:13:13,254 - But you're gonna come. - Yeah. I'm going there today. 257 00:13:13,425 --> 00:13:15,381 In fact, you should see this housekeeper. 258 00:13:15,545 --> 00:13:17,137 She's from Senegal. 259 00:13:17,305 --> 00:13:19,899 Wild, wild stuff. 260 00:13:20,065 --> 00:13:21,339 Senegal? 261 00:13:23,905 --> 00:13:27,181 So you don't speak any English at all? 262 00:13:28,545 --> 00:13:31,184 - English? No. - No. 263 00:13:31,345 --> 00:13:33,256 Hey, what are those bums doing back there? 264 00:13:33,425 --> 00:13:35,416 You said they could come and take the records. 265 00:13:35,585 --> 00:13:39,703 It's like watching a couple of hyenas going through the garbage. 266 00:13:39,865 --> 00:13:43,574 - You don't speak any English? - No English. 267 00:13:45,505 --> 00:13:50,295 I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body. 268 00:13:53,265 --> 00:13:54,937 You don't understand. 269 00:13:55,545 --> 00:13:57,024 It's a miracle. 270 00:13:57,185 --> 00:14:00,973 You don't understand because you don't speak English. 271 00:14:01,145 --> 00:14:02,976 So I just don't know if this arrangement- 272 00:14:03,145 --> 00:14:05,898 Hey. Hey. I don't like what's going on around here. 273 00:14:06,065 --> 00:14:08,181 - I want all of you bums out of here. - Calm down- 274 00:14:08,345 --> 00:14:09,937 - Don't tell me to calm down. - Please- 275 00:14:10,105 --> 00:14:11,902 - Get your hands off me. - Cool it, pops. 276 00:14:12,065 --> 00:14:14,215 - Why, you little- - Wait, wait, Mr. Fields. 277 00:14:15,745 --> 00:14:17,337 He's biting me! 278 00:14:18,585 --> 00:14:20,541 My teeth. My teeth! 279 00:14:20,705 --> 00:14:22,423 Where's his teeth? Where's his teeth? 280 00:14:22,585 --> 00:14:23,938 I saw something fly over here. 281 00:14:24,105 --> 00:14:26,096 Well, turn the light on. 282 00:14:26,785 --> 00:14:28,935 That's the garbage disposal. 283 00:14:31,825 --> 00:14:34,783 My teeth. You idiots. 284 00:14:34,945 --> 00:14:37,584 Well, we'll take you to your dentist. Where's your dentist? 285 00:14:37,745 --> 00:14:38,939 - Downtown. - All right. 286 00:14:39,105 --> 00:14:41,858 George, Kramer, look after Mr. Fields. I'll go get the cab. 287 00:14:42,025 --> 00:14:44,175 Bunch of morons. 288 00:14:48,985 --> 00:14:51,545 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Where's the old man? 289 00:14:52,025 --> 00:14:53,822 I thought George was keeping an eye on him. 290 00:14:53,985 --> 00:14:56,294 - Me? I thought you were. - Come on, we lost the old man. 291 00:14:56,465 --> 00:14:59,423 Let's go. Get out of the car. Go. We've gotta find him. 292 00:14:59,585 --> 00:15:01,496 He can't have gotten far. 293 00:15:08,985 --> 00:15:12,580 And we would take long automobile trips. 294 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:15,464 - Well, that sounds like a lot of fun. - Yes, and... 295 00:15:15,625 --> 00:15:18,583 ...just staring out the window... 296 00:15:18,745 --> 00:15:24,695 ...you'd see a long view of rolling pastures and... 297 00:15:24,865 --> 00:15:29,939 - Get you going, right there. - ... and very big Brahman cows and... 298 00:15:30,105 --> 00:15:33,222 - Oh, cows? Oh, that's... - Yeah, that was when... 299 00:15:33,385 --> 00:15:37,264 - ... fascinating. - ... I began my affair with Mohandas. 300 00:15:39,905 --> 00:15:42,783 - What? - Mohandas. 301 00:15:44,145 --> 00:15:46,056 Gandhi? 302 00:15:48,145 --> 00:15:49,976 The passion. 303 00:15:53,865 --> 00:15:57,255 The forbidden pleasure. 304 00:15:58,585 --> 00:16:02,134 You had an affair with Gandhi? 305 00:16:03,025 --> 00:16:07,655 He used to dip his bald head in oil... 306 00:16:08,225 --> 00:16:13,697 ...and he'd rub it all over my body. 307 00:16:14,625 --> 00:16:16,661 Here. Look. 308 00:16:17,665 --> 00:16:20,259 Oh, my God. 309 00:16:21,025 --> 00:16:23,380 The Mahatma? 310 00:16:23,985 --> 00:16:27,295 - We're looking for the old man. - Oh, we will. We will. 311 00:16:28,385 --> 00:16:29,898 Twenty bucks. 312 00:16:30,065 --> 00:16:32,181 Twenty bucks? Are you out of your mind? 313 00:16:32,345 --> 00:16:36,384 - Take it or leave it. - We got Al Jolson here. Al Jolson! 314 00:16:36,545 --> 00:16:38,820 Al Jolson. What the hell do I care about Al Jolson? 315 00:16:38,985 --> 00:16:41,453 I'd just as soon hear you sing "Mammy." 316 00:16:42,265 --> 00:16:44,460 This guy is nothing but a piece of crap. 317 00:16:44,625 --> 00:16:48,015 You are nothing but a piece of crap. 318 00:16:48,185 --> 00:16:49,300 What did you call me? 319 00:16:49,465 --> 00:16:51,695 - A piece of crap. - A piece of crap. 320 00:16:51,865 --> 00:16:55,983 - I find you extremely ugly. - I find you extremely ugly. 321 00:16:56,145 --> 00:16:59,740 - Do you? - You emit a foul and unpleasant odour. 322 00:16:59,905 --> 00:17:04,774 - You emit a foul and unpleasant odour. - Oh, is that right? 323 00:17:04,945 --> 00:17:08,460 - I loathe you. - I loathe you. 324 00:17:08,625 --> 00:17:10,138 That's it. Get out of my store. 325 00:17:10,305 --> 00:17:12,182 - Make us. - Make us. Make us. Make us. 326 00:17:12,345 --> 00:17:15,894 - I'll make you. - Wait a minute. Wait! Wait! 327 00:17:17,505 --> 00:17:19,302 Do you realize how irresponsible this is? 328 00:17:19,465 --> 00:17:22,138 Our agency's sole purpose is to care for senior citizens. 329 00:17:22,305 --> 00:17:24,375 And in one fell swoop you have single-handedly... 330 00:17:24,545 --> 00:17:26,376 ...destroyed our reputation. 331 00:17:26,985 --> 00:17:28,896 Yes, but... 332 00:17:29,785 --> 00:17:33,539 - Yes? - It's Tim Fields. Mr. Fields' son. 333 00:17:33,705 --> 00:17:35,741 All right, come on up. 334 00:17:36,385 --> 00:17:37,534 Oh, great. 335 00:17:37,705 --> 00:17:40,538 I don't know what happened. We tried to take him to the dentist. 336 00:17:40,705 --> 00:17:42,582 Why were you taking him to the dentist? 337 00:17:43,625 --> 00:17:46,264 Well, his false teeth got mangled up in the garbage disposal. 338 00:17:46,425 --> 00:17:48,655 What were his teeth doing in the garbage disposal? 339 00:17:48,825 --> 00:17:51,055 - Well, after he bit my friend- - Bit your friend? 340 00:17:52,425 --> 00:17:56,213 What the hell is going on here? How do you lose a human being? 341 00:17:56,385 --> 00:17:58,535 - I am sorry. - And who were these other people? 342 00:17:58,705 --> 00:18:00,343 What were they doing in the apartment? 343 00:18:00,505 --> 00:18:03,656 Well, I brought them up there to take his records. 344 00:18:03,825 --> 00:18:05,304 Take his records? 345 00:18:05,465 --> 00:18:08,343 Do you realize how valuable that record collection is? 346 00:18:08,505 --> 00:18:10,177 - Hey! - There you are. Did you find him? 347 00:18:10,345 --> 00:18:11,539 No. 348 00:18:11,705 --> 00:18:14,538 We took the records over to Ron's, and he tried to screw us... 349 00:18:14,705 --> 00:18:16,616 - ... and then we got in a fight. - A real melee. 350 00:18:16,785 --> 00:18:18,662 Yeah, a real brouhaha. 351 00:18:20,065 --> 00:18:24,343 - Then all the records broke. - The records? My father's records? 352 00:18:24,505 --> 00:18:27,736 - Did anybody try and call him? - Yeah, I called, but there's no answer. 353 00:18:27,905 --> 00:18:29,099 Well, the line's busy now. 354 00:18:29,265 --> 00:18:31,825 The line's busy. He must be home. 355 00:18:50,865 --> 00:18:52,901 We... 356 00:18:53,065 --> 00:18:55,260 We couldn't find him. 357 00:18:59,065 --> 00:19:01,181 What the hell's the point? 358 00:19:01,345 --> 00:19:03,176 When you like them, they don't like you... 359 00:19:03,345 --> 00:19:06,064 ...and when they like you, you don't like them. 360 00:19:06,385 --> 00:19:08,216 Oh, you don't know what you want. 361 00:19:08,385 --> 00:19:09,977 You should see a psychiatrist. 362 00:19:10,145 --> 00:19:12,579 I got fixed up last week. 363 00:19:12,745 --> 00:19:14,736 I never would get fixed up. 364 00:19:14,905 --> 00:19:17,624 I go to pick her up, and she opens the door... 365 00:19:17,785 --> 00:19:22,813 ...and she's got this huge goitre growing out of the side of her neck. 366 00:19:22,985 --> 00:19:25,419 Looked like a football. 367 00:19:25,945 --> 00:19:28,857 - What did you do? - Well, we get to talking... 368 00:19:29,025 --> 00:19:32,540 ...and as it turns out, the woman knew Gandhi. 369 00:19:33,825 --> 00:19:35,702 We talked for hours. 370 00:19:35,865 --> 00:19:37,981 Well, are you gonna see her again? 371 00:19:38,145 --> 00:19:40,705 We were getting along real good... 372 00:19:40,865 --> 00:19:42,935 ...and then she made some tea. 373 00:19:43,105 --> 00:19:45,573 Put some milk in it without asking me. 374 00:19:45,745 --> 00:19:47,736 Now, that's a turnoff. 375 00:19:48,865 --> 00:19:50,059 You don't need that. 376 00:19:50,225 --> 00:19:51,453 The thing about old people... 377 00:19:51,625 --> 00:19:53,422 ...is everything about them gets smaller. 378 00:19:53,585 --> 00:19:57,021 You know, their bodies get smaller. They move into smaller places. 379 00:19:57,185 --> 00:19:59,540 They sleep less time, they eat smaller meals. 380 00:19:59,705 --> 00:20:02,583 Except the car. The older they get, the bigger their car gets. 381 00:20:02,745 --> 00:20:04,383 I've never understood that. 382 00:20:04,545 --> 00:20:06,775 Old people have a way of backing out of the driveway. 383 00:20:06,945 --> 00:20:08,901 Know what I mean? They don't turn side to side. 384 00:20:09,065 --> 00:20:11,420 They just go, "I'm old. I've been waiting a long time. 385 00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:14,657 I'm backing it out."You know? "I'm coming back. 386 00:20:14,825 --> 00:20:17,817 Watch out. I'm coming,"you know. And you've gotta watch out for them. 387 00:20:17,985 --> 00:20:20,977 And then once they get out there they drive so slowly. 388 00:20:21,145 --> 00:20:23,101 I would think the less time you have in life... 389 00:20:23,265 --> 00:20:25,176 ...the faster you would wanna go. 390 00:20:25,345 --> 00:20:27,734 I think old people should be allowed to drive their age. 391 00:20:27,905 --> 00:20:29,816 If you're 80, do 80. 392 00:20:29,985 --> 00:20:31,657 If you're 100, go 100. 393 00:20:31,825 --> 00:20:35,738 They can't see where they're going anyway, let them have fun out there. 394 00:21:24,425 --> 00:21:26,416 Subtitles by SDl Media Group