I don't belong to a health club. I have a limit on naked men I see in one day.
Zero.
That's it.
What is with the high level of security at health clubs, you know?
The picture IDs. Security guards. Signing in and out.
What is this, the Kremlin?
I mean, the people with a membership go twice a year. Who's breaking in?
Is this a big problem, people stealing exercise?
And what if they catch the person? What then? They run. It's aerobic.
Makes it even worse.
- Hi, Jerry. - Oh, hi, Sidra.
I last about 10 minutes on the StairMaster.
Unless someone's stretching in front of me in a leotard, then I can go an hour.
- Really? - That's why it's called the StairMaster.
You get up there and you stare.
Well, I'm done. I think I'm gonna go take a sauna.
I'll see you Thursday night?
- Thursday night. - Okay.
Good workout?
Tremendous workout.
- It's a pretty girl. - Tremendous girl.
- She the one you went out with? - Yeah. I really like her.
You know, they're fake.
- What? Don't say that. - No. They're fake.
- How do you know? - I can tell.
You know how you always brag how you can spot a lesbian?
I'm not bragging. I happen to have a very keen lesbian eye.
Hi, how you doing?
Oh, right.
Come on. Don't you think they seem just a bit too perfect?
Yes, they do.
I never knew you were into breasts. Thought you were a leg man.
Leg man? Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs. I have legs.
Have you seen her naked in the locker room?
- No. - Then I can't accept your testimony.
Maybe if you'd seen her naked.
- I don't wanna see her naked. - Well, I do.
Well, that's your problem.
Look, you made the allegation. The least you could do is follow up.
Jerry, what am I gonna do? Go in there and spy on her in the sauna?
Yes. Go in there. Do a little investigative journalism.
I need to know.
But a few more dates, you can find out for yourself.
Don't be so sure. Look at George.
He's on his ninth date with Betsy. Still hasn't got anywhere.
What's his problem?
Every time he makes a move something screws up.
Their last date they were on the couch...
- ... but she was on his wrong side. - Wrong side?
Yeah, she was on his right side. He can't make a move with his left hand.
Can't go left.
- He can't go left? - No.
I'm lefty. Can't go right.
What about women? They go left or right?
No, we just play defence.
Could I ask you a question?
Would you mind switching seats?
Actually, I'd really prefer to sit here. I don't hear very well out of this ear.
I always try to sit to the right of people.
I'll shout.
Well, I really think I feel more comfortable here.
Come on, come on.
- Come on, really. Come on. - George, I-
- Now, come on. - No, I really-
See, now is that so bad?
What?
- Oh, I- - The machine will get it.
No, it's not on.
- They'll call back. - George, what if it's an emergency?
In the whole world right now there's maybe three emergencies.
Why would you think on this planet that you're one of those three?
George, please.
Hello.
What?
Oh, my God.
All right, maybe four.
Boy, I'm realy sweating.
Good sweat. Beads of sweat. Sweating bulets.
Look at her.
I don't need to see her nak ed to know those aren't real.
I mean, why'd she even tie the towel around her?
She's got a rack on her chest.
Oh, God. Sidra's taking the towel off.
Doctor.
That's it.
I knew it. I knew it. They're definitely fak e.
So when's the funeral?
Oh, well.
Aunt Clarice was so ill I guess it was really a blessing.
Yeah, I'll fly home as soon as I can.
Okay. You too. Get some sleep.
- You're sure? - Positive.
This chick's playing with Confederate money.
Then that's it. That's the end of that.
- What? Just because that? - Just because of that?
It's like finding out Mickey Mantle corked his bat.
You've dated women with nose jobs. What's the difference?
You don't touch the nose. You don't aspire to reach the nose.
You don't unhook anything to get to a nose...
...and no man has ever tried to look up a woman's nostrils.
You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?
Well, I take it very seriously.
Sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met...
...you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.
- Hey. - Hey.
You know, I do kind of wonder what fake breasts feel like.
Well, I know what they feel like.
You? How do you know?
Well, I lived in Los Angeles for three months.
- I thought you hated Los Angeles. - No, I do.
Just miss the warm weather, you know?
Oh, man, I wish I could get away.
Real busy now, down at the office?
No. You know who I saw at the health club?
Salman Rushdie.
- No. - Yeah, right.
Salman Rushdie.
Well, I could see that. You got five million Moslems after you.
You wanna stay in pretty good shape.
I know what the problem is.
I like her too much. That's why I can't make a move.
- You put her on a pedestal. - I put them on a dental chair.
He puts them on a dental chair.
I'm not her boyfriend. I wanna be her boyfriend.
It's like a sauna in here.
- That's funny. - You're a funny guy.
Never heard that before.
So you going to the funeral?
- You think I should? - Are you kidding?
It's a golden opportunity to advance the relationship.
She's crying. You put your arm around her and console her.
You're the consolation guy.
- I'm the consolation guy. - Consolation guy is big.
Her aunt dying is the best thing for you.
It's like 10 dates in one shot.
This confers upon you instant boyfriend status.
The family's there.
You're taking care of things. You're getting sandwiches. You're the rock.
It's in Detroit, though. It's an expensive flight.
Why don't you get a "death in the family"fare?
What?
Go to the airlines. Tell them that you have a death in the family...
...they give you 50 percent off the fare.
- Really? - In fact...
...listen, I'll go with you. We'll tell them there's a death in my family.
You buy the ticket. I'll split it.
Then I'll get the bonus miles and you'll get to Detroit for a quarter of the price.
Boy, I'm getting a good sweat here. Great sweat. Good beads. Nice beads.
Oh, look who's here. Silicon Valey.
Oh, so anyway. We go out on one date, and he asks me out for a second...
...and then out of nowhere he calls me, cancels the date...
...and says he doesn't wanna see me again.
Sorry. I couldn't help overhearing.
- Oh, that's okay. - Did he give you a reason?
Yeah. He's going back to his old girlfriend.
Really?
Said she's mentally ill.
He's one of those guys who is obsessed with neatness and order.
Everything has gotta be just so. He would have made a great Nazi.
Hey, does he ever talk about Superman?
- Yes. How did you know? - I know the type.
- Oh, so you can relate? - Oh, yeah.
You know, I've seen you around the club. My name's Sidra. This is Marcy.
- Oh, hi. I'm Elaine. - Hi.
Anyway, I stood up to shake her hand and suddenly I lost my balance...
- ... and I fell right into her. - You fell on her?
I touched them.
You what?
I touched them.
You touched them?
I needed them to help me break my fall.
If it hadn't been for them, I could have really injured myself.
Anyway...
...they're real.
Excuse me.
I think they might be real.
Oh, what do you know? You have no breast-touching experience.
- I've touched mine. - So have I.
Oh, right, I forgot.
Anyway, touching two breasts doesn't make you an expert.
All right. Anyway, I think they're real, and if they are, they are spectacular.
What are you doing to me?
You see...
...my friend here, his aunt passed away last-
Oh, I'm very sorry.
I saw her last week. She looked healthy and peaceful but she knew.
You poor thing.
You don't think you could buy the ticket yourself? Oh, no, okay.
- I couldn't- - No, please. There, there. You sit.
I'll purchase the ticket for you.
You're a good friend.
I understand you offer a 50-percent-off bereavement fare?
Yes. You have to pay the full fare now then return to one of our counters...
...with a copy of the death certificate, and we'll refund half your fare.
The death certificate?
Yes, we do need documentation or people could take advantage.
What kind of a sick person would do a thing like that?
I know but it happens.
You want my friend to ask his uncle, a man who lost his wife of 44 years...
...for a death certificate to save a few bucks on a flight?
That would be $387 round trip.
- You'll need my frequent flyer number. - Yes.
I don't know. One minute they're fake...
...the next they're real. I don't know what to believe.
Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's touched them.
Well, you were grabbing onto them to save your life.
If you were drowning and I threw you a life preserver...
...you think you could tell me if it was an inflatable?
I wouldn't have said anything if I'd known you'd stop seeing her.
I don't mind a phony personality but I gotta draw the line somewhere.
- Hey. - Hey.
- George off to Detroit? - Yep. And in two days...
...I'm off to Puerto Rico.
Hey, Kramer, by the way...
...I saw that guy at the health club. That is not Salman Rushdie.
Wrong.
- There's Sidra. - There's Salman.
- Where? - Talking to that woman.
- To Sidra? - If that's Sidra, she's talking to Salman.
- I don't think that's Salman. - I don't think they're real.
- If that's Rushdie, they're real. - If they're real, that's Rushdie.
- I gotta know. I'm talking to Sidra. - I gotta know. I'm talking to Salman.
Like a sauna in here, huh?
Feel like I'm back at the desert.
- You've lived in the desert? - Oh, yeah. I've-
I spent a little time in the Mideast.
You ever been to the Mideast?
- Yes, I've been there. - Look, my name's Kramer.
- Sal Bass. - Yeah.
- Pleased to meet you, Kramer. - Yeah.
So...
...what kind of work do you do?
I'm a writer.
- Have you met my boyfriend, George? - No.
George, this is Aunt May and Father Jessup.
Oh, and that's my brother, Timmy.
This is my boyfriend, George.
Oh, George, how nice of you to come all this way.
Well, I'm the boyfriend. Otherwise, what's the point of being the boyfriend.
This is where you have to be when you're the boyfriend.
Betsy, dear, have you had anything to eat?
- I'm not very hungry. - They have some very nice snacks.
I'm about to get myself a snack.
Oh, no. You sit right here.
I will get you a nice snack.
This is my...
...third wake this month.
Never gets any easier.
Well, losing a loved one is-
I mean, forget about it.
You-
You seem to be of great comfort to Betsy. We're very appreciative.
Comfort "schmomfort."
Listen, Father, can I ask you a question?
In a terrible time like this...
...who would I get the death certificate from?
- Oh, Jerry. - Oh, how can you be so sure?
Jerry, are you blind? He's a writer. He said his name was Sal Bass.
Bass, Jerry.
Instead of salmon, he went with bass.
He just substituted one fish for another.
Look, you idiot, first of all, it's "Salman,"not "salmon."
Jerry, Jerry, you're missing the big picture.
All right. Maybe it is, but listen, I gotta get ready...
...Sidra's coming over so if you don't mind-
- What, did you ask her? - I'm gonna find out tonight.
Yes.
Why do you need a death certificate?
Well, Dr. Allenwood...
...I was hoping to compile an...
...admittedly rudimentary scrapbook of her life.
Something that Betsy could have and hold on to.
Well, I suppose I could make a copy of it.
Oh, that would be wonderful.
- Well, it's nice meeting you, George. - Likewise.
What are you doing?
- What? - Did-?
Did you just double dip that chip?
- Excuse me? - You double dipped the chip.
Double dipped? What are you talking about?
You dipped the chip. You took a bite...
...and you dipped again.
- So? - It's like putting your whole mouth...
...right in the dip.
From now on, when you take a chip just take one dip and end it.
Well, I'm sorry, Timmy...
...but I don't dip that way.
- Oh, you don't, huh? - No.
You dip the way you wanna dip...
...I'll dip the way I wanna dip.
- Give me the chip. - Hey, hey, hey!
Give me the chip.
I don't know what I'm doing here. I must be crazy.
- Hey, you mind switching seats? - Why?
I don't know. I like sitting to the left of people. Makes me feel like I'm driving.
Okay.
- How you doing? - Good.
Feel good.
You know that Jayne Mansfield had some big breasts.
Really big-
Huge. Just coming out the top of her dress. They were choking her.
- I hear that's how she died. - Yeah.
Have you noticed that women today are-?
You know, they seem bigger.
- A lot of women are having them done. - Really?
- Yeah. - How do you like that?
A lot of people ask me if I've had mine done.
You know people.
Gets a little tiring. It's none of their business.
Oh, the nerve.
You know some people have asked me if you've done that.
And what do you tell them?
Whatever you want me to tell them.
Well, I think you'll find out soon enough.
- Aren't you gonna get that? - No.
- Well, what if it's an emergency? - Oh, there's no emergency.
Jerry. Come on. It's an emergency.
Excuse me.
All right.
What is it? You're interrupting.
I'm packing for Puerto Rico. I need to borrow your bathing suit.
This is an emergency? You need a bathing suit?
Well, I like yours.
I don't know, my bathing suit? That's a little familiar.
I don't want your boys down there.
What's the matter with my boys?
Your boys should stay in their neighbourhood.
- All right, come on. - All right. It's in the top drawer.
- Hurry up. - Hey.
- Hi, Jer. - Hi, Elaine.
- Oh, hi, Sidra. - Hi. Elaine?
- What are you doing here? - Looking for Kramer.
- What's going on? - She was just...
...showing me pictures of places in Puerto Rico.
- When you two went down there. - Oh, yeah. All right.
- Well, just- - You know, these-
- Yeah, yeah. - All right.
So where were we?
- I was just leaving. - Right. You were leaving.
I can't believe you sent a woman into the sauna to do that?
That was an accident.
I think you're both mentally ill.
And by the way, they're real and they're spectacular.
Stop it, George. Get out. Get out! I never wanna see you again.
- Go back to New York. - Get out.
All right, sir. Now all I need is a death certificate and you'll be on your way.
Well, you see what happened was...
...the doctor, the very same doctor that was attending my late aunt suffered...
...an untimely stroke...
...and lost the use of his right hand so...
...obviously I was unable to get the death certificate.
However, I do have this.
What's this? - A picture of me next to the coffin.
- Nice try. - Not even close, huh?
No.
The cosmetic surgery procedures that are available to people today-
Liposuction. Are you familiar with this?
This is a fat-sucking machine.
Now, you know, somewhere, somebody is working on a way...
...that this thing could go into a restaurant.
And you could just order it off the menu.
Give me the cheesecake, crank me up to nine...
...and put a scoop of ice cream on the side.
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