1 00:00:03,649 --> 00:00:05,560 To me, the whole concept of fear of success... 2 00:00:05,729 --> 00:00:09,324 ...is proof that we are definitely scraping the bottom of the fear barrel. 3 00:00:09,569 --> 00:00:12,083 Will we have to have AA-type meetings for these people? 4 00:00:12,249 --> 00:00:16,242 "Hi, my name is Bill, and the one thing I'm worried about is having a stereo... 5 00:00:16,409 --> 00:00:18,400 ...and a cream-colored couch." 6 00:00:19,369 --> 00:00:23,806 According to most studies, people's number-one fear is public speaking. 7 00:00:23,969 --> 00:00:26,199 Number two is death. 8 00:00:27,529 --> 00:00:30,726 Death is number two. 9 00:00:32,089 --> 00:00:36,287 Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral... 10 00:00:36,449 --> 00:00:39,088 ...you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. 11 00:00:43,969 --> 00:00:45,448 Why can't I play Kramer? 12 00:00:45,609 --> 00:00:48,169 Look, we've been through this already. You're not an actor. 13 00:00:48,329 --> 00:00:49,762 - Well, neither are you. - I know. 14 00:00:49,929 --> 00:00:51,681 Why do we need two people that can't act? 15 00:00:51,849 --> 00:00:53,680 Oh, come on, Jerry. How hard is it to act? 16 00:00:53,849 --> 00:00:55,885 You say something. I'll pretend it's funny. 17 00:00:56,249 --> 00:00:58,365 - What? - My grandmother's in the hospital. 18 00:01:00,649 --> 00:01:02,640 Your grandmother's in the hospital. 19 00:01:05,089 --> 00:01:07,887 - This is real believable. - You didn't think I was laughing? 20 00:01:08,049 --> 00:01:10,199 - It stinks. - All right, let me see you do it. 21 00:01:10,369 --> 00:01:12,485 - Say something funny. - All right. 22 00:01:12,649 --> 00:01:16,324 I've never been to Mars, but I imagine it's quite lovely. 23 00:01:18,649 --> 00:01:20,640 Mine was better than that. Come on, look: 24 00:01:26,769 --> 00:01:29,442 - Why are you pretending to laugh? - We're acting. 25 00:01:29,609 --> 00:01:32,077 Oh, yeah, real good. 26 00:01:32,609 --> 00:01:34,281 - Any word from NBC? - No. 27 00:01:34,449 --> 00:01:37,282 I don't understand. They're supposed to be casting this week. 28 00:01:37,449 --> 00:01:38,723 Maybe they're not doing it. 29 00:01:38,889 --> 00:01:40,402 Well, at least let me audition. 30 00:01:40,569 --> 00:01:42,366 He wants to play Kramer in the pilot. 31 00:01:42,529 --> 00:01:45,282 Out of the question. How could we not hear anything? 32 00:01:45,449 --> 00:01:47,963 What's with this Russell? What's he doing? 33 00:01:51,009 --> 00:01:52,806 Hi, Russell. 34 00:01:52,969 --> 00:01:56,166 - Sit. Sit down. It's okay. - I really appreciate you coming. 35 00:01:56,329 --> 00:01:59,446 Oh, that's okay. I- I don't have much time, though, so- 36 00:01:59,609 --> 00:02:01,520 All right, well, first of all... 37 00:02:02,009 --> 00:02:04,079 ...I want to apologize for all the phone calls. 38 00:02:04,249 --> 00:02:06,001 It's just- It's just... 39 00:02:08,769 --> 00:02:10,805 I don't understand. We went out once, and- 40 00:02:10,969 --> 00:02:13,199 Yeah, that was two months ago. 41 00:02:13,369 --> 00:02:17,078 Yes, I know, and I- I- I just- I can't get you out of my mind. 42 00:02:17,369 --> 00:02:18,688 Ever since that- 43 00:02:18,849 --> 00:02:21,079 The day in that restaurant when we met... 44 00:02:22,009 --> 00:02:25,638 - Do you have a ketchup secret? - No, but- 45 00:02:26,169 --> 00:02:30,924 Russell, you are the president of NBC. 46 00:02:31,089 --> 00:02:33,523 You can have any woman you want. 47 00:02:34,329 --> 00:02:36,081 But I want you. 48 00:02:36,769 --> 00:02:38,168 God, I hate these mixtures. 49 00:02:38,369 --> 00:02:41,327 I don't know why- Why don't they just put pretzels out on the table? 50 00:02:41,609 --> 00:02:43,122 Or peanuts would be good, but... 51 00:02:43,289 --> 00:02:46,008 ...I don't know who eats these cheesy things. 52 00:02:46,649 --> 00:02:48,207 Is it something I said? 53 00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:49,518 Or did? 54 00:02:50,969 --> 00:02:52,721 Look, Russell... 55 00:02:54,009 --> 00:02:56,728 ...you're a very sweet guy, but... 56 00:02:57,369 --> 00:02:59,724 ...I gotta be honest with you. 57 00:02:59,969 --> 00:03:01,527 I don't like television. 58 00:03:02,369 --> 00:03:05,361 And that's your world. That's your life. 59 00:03:05,729 --> 00:03:09,688 Maybe if you were in Greenpeace or something, that would be different... 60 00:03:09,849 --> 00:03:12,283 ...but network television, I mean... 61 00:03:12,449 --> 00:03:15,361 ...come on, Russell. You're part of the problem. 62 00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:18,168 Elaine, we're doing some very interesting things right now. 63 00:03:18,329 --> 00:03:20,445 We've got very exciting pilots for next season. 64 00:03:20,609 --> 00:03:23,521 We have one with a bright young comedian, Jerry Seinfeld. 65 00:03:23,689 --> 00:03:26,886 Oh, yeah, you know, I've heard of him. He's that: 66 00:03:27,049 --> 00:03:29,802 "Did you ever notice this? Did you ever notice that?"guy. 67 00:03:29,969 --> 00:03:33,086 In fact, he was in the restaurant the day that we met. 68 00:03:34,409 --> 00:03:36,400 Well, anyway, it's a groundbreaking show. 69 00:03:36,609 --> 00:03:38,008 Really? What is it about? 70 00:03:38,169 --> 00:03:41,081 Well, really- It's- It's really- It's very unusual. 71 00:03:41,809 --> 00:03:43,208 It's about nothing. 72 00:03:44,489 --> 00:03:46,047 What do you mean, it's about nothing? 73 00:03:46,489 --> 00:03:48,559 For example, what did you do today? 74 00:03:50,249 --> 00:03:53,002 I got up. I went to work. 75 00:03:53,169 --> 00:03:54,727 Then I came here. 76 00:03:54,969 --> 00:03:56,880 There's a show. That's a show. 77 00:03:57,049 --> 00:03:59,199 Russell, see, I'm really not interested in this... 78 00:03:59,369 --> 00:04:01,360 ...and I do have to... 79 00:04:01,529 --> 00:04:04,646 - ... go to work, so- - Elaine, when-? When are we-? 80 00:04:04,809 --> 00:04:08,722 - When are we gonna see each other? - I'm sorry, Russell. I'm sorry, okay? 81 00:04:08,889 --> 00:04:10,481 Bye-bye. 82 00:04:13,649 --> 00:04:15,560 - So I'll see you later, huh? - Yeah. 83 00:04:15,729 --> 00:04:18,323 Hello. Yeah, he's here. Hey! 84 00:04:18,489 --> 00:04:20,559 - It's for you. - Oh, yeah? 85 00:04:20,729 --> 00:04:22,208 He's getting phone calls here now? 86 00:04:22,369 --> 00:04:23,848 Hello. 87 00:04:24,409 --> 00:04:26,001 Again with the sweatpants? 88 00:04:26,329 --> 00:04:27,523 What? I'm comfortable. 89 00:04:27,689 --> 00:04:30,249 You know the message you're sending with these sweatpants? 90 00:04:30,409 --> 00:04:32,798 You're telling the world, "I give up. 91 00:04:33,249 --> 00:04:35,444 I can't compete in normal society. 92 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:38,521 I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable." 93 00:04:38,969 --> 00:04:41,199 Hold on a second, I got another call. 94 00:04:41,489 --> 00:04:42,808 Hello. 95 00:04:43,129 --> 00:04:44,323 Yeah, he'll call you back. 96 00:04:46,249 --> 00:04:47,841 - Who is it? - That's NBC. 97 00:04:48,009 --> 00:04:50,398 NBC?! Give me the phone! 98 00:04:50,569 --> 00:04:52,878 - I'm having a conversation here. - Get off the phone. 99 00:04:53,169 --> 00:04:55,444 Okay, look, I'll call you back. Yeah. 100 00:04:56,049 --> 00:04:57,926 You know I'm waiting to hear from them. 101 00:04:58,529 --> 00:05:00,565 - Who was it? - Russell Dalrymple's secretary. 102 00:05:00,729 --> 00:05:04,483 All right. Now you're doing something to help me. 103 00:05:04,849 --> 00:05:07,727 Hello. Yes, it's Jerry Seinfeld returning the call. 104 00:05:08,769 --> 00:05:10,646 Okay, great. Thanks a lot. 105 00:05:11,129 --> 00:05:15,680 Casting tomorrow at NBC, 4:00. We're in business. The pilot's on! 106 00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:17,999 You're gonna be successful. 107 00:05:20,529 --> 00:05:22,520 What if the pilot gets picked up... 108 00:05:22,969 --> 00:05:24,561 ...and it becomes a series? 109 00:05:25,209 --> 00:05:27,518 That would be wonderful. You'll be rich and successful. 110 00:05:27,729 --> 00:05:28,844 That's why I'm worried. 111 00:05:29,009 --> 00:05:31,045 God will kill me before letting me be successful. 112 00:05:31,209 --> 00:05:33,848 - He'll never let me be happy. - You don't believe in God. 113 00:05:34,009 --> 00:05:35,283 I do for the bad things. 114 00:05:36,089 --> 00:05:38,159 Do you hear what you're saying? 115 00:05:38,529 --> 00:05:41,327 God isn't out to get you, George. 116 00:05:42,569 --> 00:05:44,002 What-? 117 00:05:44,569 --> 00:05:46,127 What is that on your lip? 118 00:05:47,609 --> 00:05:50,965 - What? - It's like a discoloration. It's white. 119 00:05:54,849 --> 00:05:57,682 Yes. Yes, it's white. 120 00:05:58,009 --> 00:06:00,842 - Why is that white? - You'd better get that checked out. 121 00:06:01,489 --> 00:06:04,083 - "Better get that checked out"? - I would. 122 00:06:04,289 --> 00:06:05,847 What kind of a therapist are you? 123 00:06:06,049 --> 00:06:08,244 I'm telling you I'm scared something will happen... 124 00:06:08,409 --> 00:06:09,603 ...and you look for tumours? 125 00:06:09,769 --> 00:06:12,329 - I'm trying to help you. - What are you, like, a sadist? 126 00:06:12,489 --> 00:06:14,878 No matter how bad somebody feels, you can make it worse. 127 00:06:15,049 --> 00:06:17,119 - You're rooting for a tumour. - You'd better go. 128 00:06:17,289 --> 00:06:19,405 I'm going, baby. I'm going! 129 00:06:20,729 --> 00:06:22,640 - Where? - Right here. 130 00:06:22,969 --> 00:06:25,324 Get out of here, it's nothing. 131 00:06:26,249 --> 00:06:27,443 Excuse me. 132 00:06:27,609 --> 00:06:29,042 Do you see anything on my lip? 133 00:06:29,209 --> 00:06:31,439 Yeah. Like a discoloration. 134 00:06:31,609 --> 00:06:33,884 - Oh, my God. - Yeah, it's all white. 135 00:06:34,049 --> 00:06:36,165 It's all white, Jerry. It's all white. 136 00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:37,523 Would you stop? 137 00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:39,247 I'd get that checked out. 138 00:06:39,409 --> 00:06:41,127 Again with the checked out. 139 00:06:41,289 --> 00:06:42,802 I'm not going to the doctor. 140 00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:45,767 If I don't, nothing will happen. If I go, he might find something. 141 00:06:45,929 --> 00:06:48,727 - If you go, maybe they'll catch it in time. - Catch what in time? 142 00:06:49,449 --> 00:06:52,043 - Whatever it is. - You think it's something? 143 00:06:52,249 --> 00:06:53,887 I hate these bums with their rags. 144 00:06:54,049 --> 00:06:57,246 No, no, no, I don't want it. Get away. Get away. Get away from my car. 145 00:06:57,409 --> 00:06:59,240 You know, these squeegee- 146 00:06:59,409 --> 00:07:01,604 Oh, my God, it's Crazy Joe Davola. 147 00:07:03,049 --> 00:07:05,517 Good luck on the pilot, Jerry. 148 00:07:10,569 --> 00:07:12,958 Yeah, I think I see it. It's like a... 149 00:07:13,129 --> 00:07:14,801 ...white discoloration. 150 00:07:15,249 --> 00:07:16,602 What do you think it is? 151 00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:19,841 It's like a white discoloration. 152 00:07:20,409 --> 00:07:22,365 Okay, guys, are we ready to start? 153 00:07:22,529 --> 00:07:24,565 Where's Russell? I thought he was gonna be here. 154 00:07:24,729 --> 00:07:30,008 I don't know. I saw him this morning, and I said hello. He walked past me. 155 00:07:30,169 --> 00:07:32,160 He must be worried about the fall schedule. 156 00:07:32,329 --> 00:07:34,081 - It's a real bear. - Yeah. 157 00:07:34,249 --> 00:07:36,604 So, what's going on? We're gonna shoot the pilot... 158 00:07:36,769 --> 00:07:38,566 ...then it's gonna be on TV the next week? 159 00:07:38,729 --> 00:07:40,321 Yeah, right. 160 00:07:40,889 --> 00:07:42,242 This is Mark Matz. 161 00:07:42,409 --> 00:07:44,286 He'll be auditioning for the role of George. 162 00:07:44,449 --> 00:07:46,201 - How you doing? - Hey, Mark, how are you? 163 00:07:46,969 --> 00:07:48,641 They've gotta be kidding. 164 00:07:48,809 --> 00:07:50,561 This guy's perfect. 165 00:07:50,729 --> 00:07:52,720 Okay, let's read this. 166 00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:54,481 And I'll be reading Jerry's part. 167 00:07:55,649 --> 00:07:57,560 Anyone call for Vandelay Industries? 168 00:07:57,729 --> 00:08:00,084 - No, why? - Listen to me. 169 00:08:00,249 --> 00:08:02,922 I told the unemployment office I was close to a job with them... 170 00:08:03,089 --> 00:08:04,522 ...and I gave them your number. 171 00:08:04,689 --> 00:08:08,125 When you answer the phone, you've got to say, "Vandelay Industries." 172 00:08:08,609 --> 00:08:10,804 - I'm Vandelay Industries? - Right. 173 00:08:10,969 --> 00:08:12,607 - What is that? - You're in latex. 174 00:08:12,769 --> 00:08:14,168 What do I do with latex? 175 00:08:14,329 --> 00:08:16,763 I don't know. You manufacture it. 176 00:08:17,569 --> 00:08:19,958 This is Michael Barth, another George. 177 00:08:20,129 --> 00:08:22,484 - Hi, Michael. - How you doing? 178 00:08:22,649 --> 00:08:25,117 - Everything all right? - I just came from the podiatrist. 179 00:08:25,289 --> 00:08:27,439 Something's wrong with my foot. A little gangrene. 180 00:08:27,609 --> 00:08:29,167 They'll probably have to amputate. 181 00:08:30,329 --> 00:08:32,081 Any questions? 182 00:08:32,249 --> 00:08:34,479 What are we looking at? Is this guy a real loser? 183 00:08:34,649 --> 00:08:36,480 No, not a loser. 184 00:08:36,689 --> 00:08:38,520 Let's start with the second scene. You have it? 185 00:08:38,689 --> 00:08:39,758 - Yeah. - Okay. 186 00:08:40,209 --> 00:08:42,803 A man gave me a massage. 187 00:08:44,649 --> 00:08:45,764 So? 188 00:08:46,769 --> 00:08:48,487 Well, he- 189 00:08:48,649 --> 00:08:50,082 He had his hands, you know... 190 00:08:50,249 --> 00:08:52,479 - ... and he was- - He was what? 191 00:08:52,649 --> 00:08:55,959 Well, he was, you know- He was touching and rubbing. 192 00:08:56,569 --> 00:08:58,002 That's a massage. 193 00:08:58,689 --> 00:09:00,361 I think it moved. 194 00:09:01,049 --> 00:09:02,767 This is Melissa Shannon. 195 00:09:02,929 --> 00:09:05,204 - Hi. - Hi, how you doing? 196 00:09:05,369 --> 00:09:07,724 Melissa is reading for Elaine. 197 00:09:08,329 --> 00:09:10,763 It's like a bald convention out there. 198 00:09:12,129 --> 00:09:14,040 Sorry, I made a faux pas. 199 00:09:14,449 --> 00:09:16,917 No, you didn't, he knows he's bald. 200 00:09:17,369 --> 00:09:19,644 So how about that guy wearing sweatpants? 201 00:09:19,809 --> 00:09:22,323 Is that for the part, or does he walk around like that? 202 00:09:22,489 --> 00:09:25,208 Okay. Shall we start? 203 00:09:25,809 --> 00:09:27,208 You know what? 204 00:09:27,369 --> 00:09:28,768 I'll read with her. 205 00:09:28,929 --> 00:09:30,408 Oh, great. 206 00:09:34,209 --> 00:09:35,801 - All right, wanna start? - Yeah. 207 00:09:35,969 --> 00:09:37,197 Okay. 208 00:09:39,969 --> 00:09:42,483 - What was that look? - What look? 209 00:09:42,649 --> 00:09:44,048 That look you just gave me. 210 00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:45,642 - I gave a look? - Yes. 211 00:09:45,809 --> 00:09:48,004 Thank you. Thank you very much. 212 00:09:48,489 --> 00:09:50,002 Let's see some more Kramers. 213 00:10:05,209 --> 00:10:06,722 - Hi, how you doing? - Hi. 214 00:10:07,849 --> 00:10:09,840 - How you doing? - Good. 215 00:10:10,009 --> 00:10:12,887 - What is this about? - Levels. 216 00:10:13,489 --> 00:10:16,447 - Levels? - Yeah. Getting rid of all my furniture. 217 00:10:16,609 --> 00:10:19,919 All of it. I'm building levels... 218 00:10:20,089 --> 00:10:24,446 ...with steps, completely carpeted... 219 00:10:26,449 --> 00:10:28,007 ...with pillows. 220 00:10:30,489 --> 00:10:32,081 Like ancient Egypt. 221 00:10:32,289 --> 00:10:34,120 How are you gonna be comfortable like that? 222 00:10:35,369 --> 00:10:36,802 I'll be comfortable. 223 00:10:37,849 --> 00:10:40,204 - Very good. - Very nice. 224 00:10:40,369 --> 00:10:43,839 Tom, that was terrific. Thank you for coming in. 225 00:10:44,049 --> 00:10:46,882 - Wonderful reading. - That's really something. 226 00:10:47,449 --> 00:10:50,566 - Bye. - Okay. Thank you. Take it easy. 227 00:10:50,729 --> 00:10:52,560 I thought he was really good, very funny. 228 00:10:52,729 --> 00:10:54,321 Yeah, I liked him. 229 00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:55,928 What happened to the raisins? 230 00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:57,920 Yeah, there was a box of raisins there. 231 00:11:00,009 --> 00:11:01,920 Did he just steal the raisins? 232 00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:03,921 You think he stole them? 233 00:11:05,529 --> 00:11:08,089 This is Martin Van Nostrand. 234 00:11:08,409 --> 00:11:10,969 - What are you doing here? - You two know each other? 235 00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:13,085 Wait a minute. I know you. 236 00:11:13,249 --> 00:11:15,558 You're the guy from the Calvin Klein underwear ads. 237 00:11:16,329 --> 00:11:17,523 That's true. 238 00:11:24,409 --> 00:11:28,846 I saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Doughnuts again. 239 00:11:29,329 --> 00:11:30,682 But this time... 240 00:11:31,209 --> 00:11:32,608 ...I went in. 241 00:11:38,329 --> 00:11:39,967 Where's the bathroom? 242 00:11:40,169 --> 00:11:43,366 I think if you go down the hall, it's on the right at the very end. 243 00:11:44,409 --> 00:11:46,161 Be right back. 244 00:11:51,609 --> 00:11:53,725 Sorry, buddy. Full house. 245 00:12:06,569 --> 00:12:08,366 Sorry. Customers only. 246 00:12:13,409 --> 00:12:14,842 Hey, you need a ticket. 247 00:12:20,769 --> 00:12:23,522 - So who's playing Elaine? - Oh, don't worry about it. 248 00:12:23,689 --> 00:12:25,042 Very talented young actress. 249 00:12:25,209 --> 00:12:26,403 - Really? - Yes. 250 00:12:26,569 --> 00:12:28,321 - Who is it? - She's an Eskimo, actually. 251 00:12:28,489 --> 00:12:30,719 - Oh, God. - She came down from Juneau by sled. 252 00:12:30,889 --> 00:12:34,245 She was in the Iditarod. Got to the finish line, just kept going. 253 00:12:34,409 --> 00:12:36,604 She's got the dogs with her in the hotel room. 254 00:12:36,809 --> 00:12:38,322 Listen, was Russell at the casting? 255 00:12:38,489 --> 00:12:40,320 No, he didn't show up. 256 00:12:40,569 --> 00:12:41,843 You know... 257 00:12:42,009 --> 00:12:44,000 ...I'm a little bit worried about him. 258 00:12:44,169 --> 00:12:46,160 I don't understand. We had one date... 259 00:12:46,329 --> 00:12:48,206 ...two months ago. 260 00:12:48,369 --> 00:12:50,087 Am I that charming and beautiful? 261 00:12:50,249 --> 00:12:52,160 No. No, you're not. 262 00:12:52,329 --> 00:12:54,763 - Why do I keep setting you up? - I don't know. 263 00:12:55,569 --> 00:12:57,287 Could we get a little more? 264 00:12:58,009 --> 00:12:59,601 Heat more. 265 00:13:01,729 --> 00:13:05,563 Ever since this new owner took over, the service here is really slow. 266 00:13:05,729 --> 00:13:08,880 Yeah. Have you noticed anything else that's... 267 00:13:09,049 --> 00:13:11,563 ...different since the new management? 268 00:13:11,969 --> 00:13:15,279 They're putting a little lemon in the tuna. I love that. 269 00:13:15,449 --> 00:13:17,963 Besides that. Look at the waitresses. 270 00:13:18,649 --> 00:13:19,798 Yeah? 271 00:13:21,289 --> 00:13:24,087 What physical... 272 00:13:24,249 --> 00:13:27,685 ...characteristic would you say is common to all of them? 273 00:13:31,009 --> 00:13:32,203 I mean, look at this. 274 00:13:32,369 --> 00:13:36,078 Every waitress working here has the same proportions, wouldn't you say? 275 00:13:36,249 --> 00:13:38,683 Yes. I would say. 276 00:13:39,009 --> 00:13:41,000 What's going on here? How is this possible? 277 00:13:41,649 --> 00:13:43,879 - Do you think it's a coincidence? - No. 278 00:13:44,049 --> 00:13:47,724 I- I haven't seen four women like this together outside of a Russ Meyer film. 279 00:13:49,809 --> 00:13:53,643 Hi. Excuse me. Who does all the hiring of waitresses here? 280 00:13:53,809 --> 00:13:56,687 He does. We're looking for another girl if you know anyone. 281 00:13:58,969 --> 00:14:01,199 You know what? That's discriminatory. 282 00:14:01,369 --> 00:14:04,566 That is unfair. Why should these women have all the advantages? 283 00:14:04,729 --> 00:14:08,005 They get all the attention from men. They get all the waitress jobs too? 284 00:14:08,169 --> 00:14:10,888 Hey, that's life. Good-looking men have the same advantage. 285 00:14:11,049 --> 00:14:12,880 You don't see any handsome homeless. 286 00:14:15,769 --> 00:14:18,920 You see, it's right here. It's- It's a little white. 287 00:14:19,089 --> 00:14:21,887 Oh, yeah. Yeah. 288 00:14:22,609 --> 00:14:24,725 I've never seen this before. 289 00:14:25,209 --> 00:14:27,200 "Never seen this before"? 290 00:14:27,569 --> 00:14:30,163 I'm gonna have to take a biopsy on this. 291 00:14:30,329 --> 00:14:33,207 - A what? - A biopsy. 292 00:14:33,369 --> 00:14:35,837 - A biopsy? - Yeah. 293 00:14:36,729 --> 00:14:39,038 Cancer? Is it cancer? Do I have cancer? 294 00:14:39,969 --> 00:14:41,482 Well, I don't know what it is. 295 00:14:48,569 --> 00:14:50,560 He took a biopsy, Jerry. A biopsy. 296 00:14:50,729 --> 00:14:52,845 - What'd he say? - He didn't know what it was. 297 00:14:53,009 --> 00:14:54,044 All right, so? 298 00:14:54,209 --> 00:14:56,928 When I asked him about cancer, he didn't say, "Get out of here." 299 00:14:57,089 --> 00:14:59,728 That's what I wanted to hear, "Cancer? Get out of here." 300 00:15:00,369 --> 00:15:03,088 Maybe he doesn't have a "get out of here"kind of personality. 301 00:15:03,249 --> 00:15:05,558 How could a doctor not say, "Get out of here"? 302 00:15:05,729 --> 00:15:08,766 It should be part of medical school training."Cancer? Get out of here. 303 00:15:09,569 --> 00:15:11,161 Go home. What are you, crazy? 304 00:15:11,329 --> 00:15:14,321 It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut, you know that?" 305 00:15:15,689 --> 00:15:17,759 Told you God would never let me be successful. 306 00:15:17,929 --> 00:15:19,521 I never should've written that pilot. 307 00:15:19,689 --> 00:15:22,203 The show will be a hit, make millions, and I'll be dead. 308 00:15:22,369 --> 00:15:24,803 Dead, Jerry. Because of this. 309 00:15:24,969 --> 00:15:26,925 Can't you at least die with a little dignity? 310 00:15:27,089 --> 00:15:28,727 No, I can't. 311 00:15:28,889 --> 00:15:31,449 I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. 312 00:15:32,089 --> 00:15:34,319 I want to be the person who doesn't die with dignity. 313 00:15:34,489 --> 00:15:37,128 I lived my whole life in shame. Why die with dignity? 314 00:15:39,409 --> 00:15:40,888 Hey. 315 00:15:41,609 --> 00:15:43,088 What happened to you yesterday? 316 00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:45,361 I got mugged. 317 00:15:46,929 --> 00:15:48,157 - You got mugged? - Mugged? 318 00:15:48,329 --> 00:15:52,880 I wouldn't have minded, but I was running home to go to the bathroom. 319 00:15:55,049 --> 00:15:57,688 - Why didn't you use it in the building? - It was full. 320 00:15:58,049 --> 00:16:00,768 I tried a few other places, you know, but that didn't work. 321 00:16:00,929 --> 00:16:02,965 I mean, it was an emergency, Jerry. 322 00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:05,848 I was really percolating. 323 00:16:07,129 --> 00:16:12,157 So I decided to run home through the park, and then two guys stopped me. 324 00:16:12,849 --> 00:16:13,838 - Yeah? - It's me. 325 00:16:14,009 --> 00:16:15,328 Come on up. 326 00:16:16,729 --> 00:16:18,082 Now I got a big problem, buddy. 327 00:16:18,569 --> 00:16:19,763 - What is it? - Well... 328 00:16:20,089 --> 00:16:23,684 I waited so long, I- I missed my chance. 329 00:16:24,529 --> 00:16:27,601 - You didn't go? - No, and now I can't get it back. 330 00:16:35,929 --> 00:16:37,999 The best thing to do is just not think about it. 331 00:16:38,169 --> 00:16:40,080 How could you not think about it? 332 00:16:41,529 --> 00:16:43,520 - Hey. - Hey. 333 00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:49,842 - What's the matter with him? - He's a little backed-up. 334 00:16:52,489 --> 00:16:54,002 Elaine. 335 00:16:54,169 --> 00:16:58,128 So I spoke to some of my sisters about that coffee shop. 336 00:16:58,289 --> 00:17:00,200 Oh, the sisters. 337 00:17:00,369 --> 00:17:02,166 Have you seen the waitresses in there? 338 00:17:02,329 --> 00:17:04,763 I never had so much coffee in my life. 339 00:17:05,329 --> 00:17:09,163 So we decided I should go over there and apply for a job myself. 340 00:17:09,649 --> 00:17:11,401 Apply for a job? What for? 341 00:17:11,569 --> 00:17:13,002 Because it's discriminatory. 342 00:17:13,329 --> 00:17:14,648 It's a coincidence. 343 00:17:14,809 --> 00:17:16,561 - This is what you're gonna wear? - Yeah. 344 00:17:16,729 --> 00:17:18,401 You're not gonna get the job. 345 00:17:18,889 --> 00:17:20,242 Exactly. 346 00:17:24,569 --> 00:17:25,968 Hello. 347 00:17:26,129 --> 00:17:27,608 Oh, hi. 348 00:17:27,929 --> 00:17:30,966 Yeah, I guess we could do that. At what time? 349 00:17:31,129 --> 00:17:33,359 All right. I'll see you there. 350 00:17:33,529 --> 00:17:34,803 Okay, bye. 351 00:17:35,249 --> 00:17:36,967 - Who's that? - TV Elaine. 352 00:17:37,129 --> 00:17:39,040 She wants to talk about the part. 353 00:17:40,049 --> 00:17:42,961 - What about the dogs? - They're having sex in the hotel room. 354 00:17:45,689 --> 00:17:48,920 So the Elaine character is based on someone you know. 355 00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:51,285 - Yes. - And she's really your ex-girlfriend. 356 00:17:51,449 --> 00:17:54,327 - Yeah. - I want to know her from the inside. 357 00:17:54,649 --> 00:17:56,207 What is she like? Tell me about her. 358 00:17:56,369 --> 00:17:59,327 Well, she's fascinated with Greenland. She enjoys teasing animals... 359 00:17:59,489 --> 00:18:02,481 ...Banlon and seeing people running for their lives. 360 00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:06,642 She loves throwing garbage out the window, yet she's extremely dainty. 361 00:18:06,809 --> 00:18:08,162 How would she eat a hamburger? 362 00:18:08,329 --> 00:18:10,206 - With her hands. - What about pasta? 363 00:18:10,369 --> 00:18:11,643 Also with her hands. 364 00:18:11,809 --> 00:18:13,003 Seriously. 365 00:18:13,369 --> 00:18:17,282 I want to experience everything she's experienced. 366 00:18:17,449 --> 00:18:18,962 Everything? 367 00:18:19,569 --> 00:18:22,402 - Everything. - All right, she cuts pasta with a knife. 368 00:18:22,569 --> 00:18:24,161 Good. What's her favourite movie? 369 00:18:24,329 --> 00:18:25,603 Shaft. 370 00:18:25,769 --> 00:18:28,408 You gotta give me her picture. What about sex? 371 00:18:29,049 --> 00:18:31,040 She likes talking during sex. 372 00:18:31,209 --> 00:18:32,562 Dirty talking? 373 00:18:32,729 --> 00:18:36,688 No. Just chitchat, movies, current events. Regular stuff. 374 00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:38,601 - You know, Sandi- - Elaine. 375 00:18:39,569 --> 00:18:41,764 - What? - Call me... 376 00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:43,763 ...Elaine. 377 00:18:44,449 --> 00:18:46,007 All right... 378 00:18:47,049 --> 00:18:49,609 - ... Elaine. - How does Elaine kiss? 379 00:18:50,809 --> 00:18:52,959 - Well- - Does she kiss... 380 00:18:53,129 --> 00:18:54,642 ...like this? 381 00:18:57,729 --> 00:19:01,483 Actually, she has a thing where she spirals her tongue around. It's like a- 382 00:19:01,649 --> 00:19:02,843 Like this? 383 00:19:06,289 --> 00:19:07,847 I think you got it. 384 00:19:10,409 --> 00:19:12,240 Now, I like to eat spaghetti... 385 00:19:12,409 --> 00:19:13,762 ...with just a fork. 386 00:19:13,929 --> 00:19:15,567 Because I can keep the strands long... 387 00:19:15,729 --> 00:19:19,085 ...and I can slurp it up to my mouth like this. Look. 388 00:19:22,729 --> 00:19:25,038 Now, sex, I like the bottom. 389 00:19:25,209 --> 00:19:27,359 Let them do all the work, you know? 390 00:19:27,529 --> 00:19:29,599 You should be writing this stuff down. 391 00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:31,760 Yeah. Bran flakes. 392 00:19:31,929 --> 00:19:35,080 One hundred percent. I got a big problem. 393 00:19:35,249 --> 00:19:37,763 - And I'll have the hamburger. That's it. - Yeah. 394 00:19:37,929 --> 00:19:39,123 - Thanks a lot. - That's good. 395 00:19:39,449 --> 00:19:41,280 Now, I like to play golf. 396 00:19:41,449 --> 00:19:43,326 Look, this stuff doesn't matter to me. 397 00:19:43,489 --> 00:19:46,242 See, I'm gonna do the character like me, not like you. 398 00:19:46,409 --> 00:19:47,888 You gotta play him like me. 399 00:19:48,049 --> 00:19:49,448 I'm Kramer. 400 00:19:50,009 --> 00:19:52,807 - I'm Kramer. - I'm Kramer. 401 00:19:52,969 --> 00:19:54,800 What can I do for you? Would you like table? 402 00:19:54,969 --> 00:19:57,529 No, I'd like to apply for a waitress job. 403 00:19:59,449 --> 00:20:01,644 Have you ever waited on tables before? 404 00:20:01,809 --> 00:20:04,687 Oh, yeah. I've been a professional waitress for the last 10 years. 405 00:20:04,849 --> 00:20:06,248 I've worked all over this city. 406 00:20:06,409 --> 00:20:08,206 These are my references. 407 00:20:08,369 --> 00:20:11,202 I'm sure you'll find that I'm more than qualified. 408 00:20:13,329 --> 00:20:15,684 I don't think I need anyone else right now. 409 00:20:19,249 --> 00:20:23,288 You're in big trouble, mister! And I mean trouble with a capital T! 410 00:20:24,529 --> 00:20:26,440 What? What did I do? 411 00:20:27,649 --> 00:20:28,843 Anyway, there's at least... 412 00:20:29,769 --> 00:20:32,761 ...four of them, and they're all huge. 413 00:20:32,929 --> 00:20:34,567 I mean, one is bigger than the next. 414 00:20:34,729 --> 00:20:36,799 It's like a Russ Meyer movie. 415 00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:38,641 Who's Russ Meyer? 416 00:20:39,809 --> 00:20:41,640 He's this guy who made these... 417 00:20:41,809 --> 00:20:44,562 ...terrible movies in the '7 Os with these kinds of women. 418 00:20:44,729 --> 00:20:45,878 He's obsessed. 419 00:20:46,049 --> 00:20:47,926 He's obsessed with breasts. 420 00:20:48,969 --> 00:20:50,641 That's hard to say. 421 00:20:51,289 --> 00:20:52,722 Anyway, go on. 422 00:20:53,849 --> 00:20:57,205 There's not really much more to tell. He was looking for waitresses... 423 00:20:57,369 --> 00:21:01,567 ...I went in to apply, and he looked me up and down, and he rejected me. 424 00:21:01,729 --> 00:21:04,846 Paul, come here for a second. I want you to listen to this. 425 00:21:05,009 --> 00:21:06,727 - Hi. - Hi. 426 00:21:07,289 --> 00:21:10,122 The woman here claims there's a restaurant on the West Side... 427 00:21:10,289 --> 00:21:12,883 ...that's only hiring large-breasted women. 428 00:21:13,809 --> 00:21:15,208 Really? 429 00:21:18,449 --> 00:21:20,246 - What do you mean, made-up? - It's made-up. 430 00:21:20,409 --> 00:21:22,684 Häagen-Dazs is made-up. It's not Danish. 431 00:21:22,849 --> 00:21:24,680 - You're crazy. - No, I'm not. 432 00:21:24,889 --> 00:21:26,242 George, is Häagen-Dazs Danish? 433 00:21:26,409 --> 00:21:28,479 - What do you mean, Danish? - This guy stinks. 434 00:21:28,649 --> 00:21:30,640 Danish. Is it from Denmark? 435 00:21:30,809 --> 00:21:33,448 They make it in New Jersey. It's just a Danish-sounding name. 436 00:21:34,009 --> 00:21:36,398 I can't believe that. They fooled me, Jerry. 437 00:21:37,049 --> 00:21:39,244 Boy, talk about a show about nothing. 438 00:21:39,489 --> 00:21:40,558 Excuse me. 439 00:21:41,849 --> 00:21:42,998 Excuse me. 440 00:21:43,289 --> 00:21:45,166 This- This is not right. 441 00:21:45,329 --> 00:21:46,808 May I? 442 00:21:52,329 --> 00:21:54,160 You see, you're going: 443 00:21:54,329 --> 00:21:56,479 "They fooled me, Jerry." 444 00:21:56,649 --> 00:21:58,640 You want to hit "fooled"more. 445 00:21:58,809 --> 00:22:00,322 "They fooled me, Jerry." 446 00:22:00,649 --> 00:22:02,321 You see the difference? 447 00:22:02,649 --> 00:22:04,241 I'm not gonna say it like that. 448 00:22:05,369 --> 00:22:07,121 Just a suggestion. 449 00:22:10,169 --> 00:22:11,397 All right, everybody. 450 00:22:11,569 --> 00:22:14,037 - Take a five. - Yep, that's five. 451 00:22:14,489 --> 00:22:15,763 George? 452 00:22:21,529 --> 00:22:23,360 I don't have much experience with acting... 453 00:22:23,529 --> 00:22:25,599 ...but from what I can gather... 454 00:22:25,769 --> 00:22:28,966 ...they're a little touchy about being told how to say the lines. 455 00:22:29,369 --> 00:22:30,404 Why is that? 456 00:22:30,929 --> 00:22:33,523 I don't know, but they don't seem to like it. 457 00:22:34,449 --> 00:22:35,598 By the way, how am I doing? 458 00:22:35,769 --> 00:22:38,158 Oh, you're- You're fine. You're fine. 459 00:22:39,689 --> 00:22:42,965 So you think this guy playing Kramer took the raisins? 460 00:22:45,329 --> 00:22:47,206 Why would he steal a box of raisins? 461 00:22:47,369 --> 00:22:48,882 Yeah. 462 00:22:49,769 --> 00:22:51,088 It's bizarre. 463 00:22:53,049 --> 00:22:55,085 That little bald guy's driving me nuts. 464 00:22:55,449 --> 00:22:57,838 I'm gonna rip him a new one if he doesn't leave me alone. 465 00:22:58,409 --> 00:23:00,240 I wish that was our real problem. 466 00:23:00,889 --> 00:23:02,322 What is the real problem? 467 00:23:02,489 --> 00:23:03,717 It's Seinfeld. 468 00:23:03,889 --> 00:23:06,483 He can't act. It's pathetic. 469 00:23:06,649 --> 00:23:09,243 I told you these stand-ups can't act. 470 00:23:10,049 --> 00:23:12,040 I'm cringing watching him. 471 00:23:16,049 --> 00:23:17,198 What's with him? 472 00:23:18,649 --> 00:23:19,877 Russell? 473 00:23:20,849 --> 00:23:22,407 Russell? 474 00:23:23,129 --> 00:23:24,448 - What? - You okay? 475 00:23:24,609 --> 00:23:27,919 Yeah. No, I- I was just... 476 00:23:28,169 --> 00:23:30,000 ...thinking of something. 477 00:23:30,489 --> 00:23:31,808 I'll be back in a second. 478 00:23:37,849 --> 00:23:39,567 What's the matter? 479 00:23:39,849 --> 00:23:40,884 Nothing. 480 00:23:41,049 --> 00:23:42,801 You're acting weird. Is anything wrong? 481 00:23:42,969 --> 00:23:44,163 No. 482 00:23:44,369 --> 00:23:46,405 Are you breaking up with me? 483 00:23:47,529 --> 00:23:49,406 Are we going out? 484 00:23:49,729 --> 00:23:51,879 You're breaking up with me, aren't you? 485 00:23:52,289 --> 00:23:53,358 Do you want me to? 486 00:23:53,569 --> 00:23:55,207 If that's what you want. 487 00:23:55,369 --> 00:23:58,247 - I don't know what you're talking about. - Fine, break up with me. 488 00:23:58,409 --> 00:24:00,604 All right, we're broken up. 489 00:24:03,929 --> 00:24:06,079 Can we still be friends? 490 00:24:07,049 --> 00:24:09,438 - Remember when you auditioned? - Yeah. 491 00:24:10,529 --> 00:24:13,521 There was a box of raisins on the coffee table. 492 00:24:13,689 --> 00:24:17,523 Did you, by any chance, take them with you when you left? 493 00:24:19,369 --> 00:24:20,563 What are you talking about? 494 00:24:20,969 --> 00:24:22,561 Well, we were all eating the raisins. 495 00:24:22,729 --> 00:24:25,482 And I remember you- You were eating some of the raisins. 496 00:24:25,649 --> 00:24:27,048 And then you left... 497 00:24:27,209 --> 00:24:28,847 ...and the raisins were gone. 498 00:24:29,009 --> 00:24:31,284 I was just wondering if, you know... 499 00:24:31,449 --> 00:24:33,360 ...maybe you took them with you. 500 00:24:33,529 --> 00:24:36,487 Are you accusing me of stealing the raisins? 501 00:24:36,809 --> 00:24:39,198 - Oh, no, no- - Why would I steal a box of raisins? 502 00:24:39,369 --> 00:24:41,963 No, you wouldn't. Nobody would, you know. 503 00:24:42,129 --> 00:24:44,245 It's just that... 504 00:24:44,529 --> 00:24:46,884 ...they were missing, and... 505 00:24:47,889 --> 00:24:49,686 ...well, I'm just inquiring. 506 00:24:49,849 --> 00:24:52,044 Let me give you a word of advice, okay? 507 00:24:52,209 --> 00:24:54,325 Stay away from me. I don't wanna talk to you. 508 00:24:54,489 --> 00:24:57,799 And I don't wanna hear any more of your stupid notes and suggestions. 509 00:24:57,969 --> 00:24:59,448 I don't like you. 510 00:25:00,089 --> 00:25:03,764 So if you got any other problems, whether it's raisins, prunes... 511 00:25:03,929 --> 00:25:07,080 ...figs or any other dried fruit... 512 00:25:07,249 --> 00:25:10,002 ...just keep it to yourself and stay out of my way, okay? 513 00:25:13,009 --> 00:25:14,488 All right. 514 00:25:14,649 --> 00:25:17,038 I don't think we're gonna have any problem with that. 515 00:25:18,009 --> 00:25:20,284 Good talking to you, Tom. Really. 516 00:25:21,289 --> 00:25:22,961 Elaine? Elaine? 517 00:25:23,129 --> 00:25:25,563 What do you want? What can I do? 518 00:25:26,169 --> 00:25:27,682 Is-? Is it...? 519 00:25:28,809 --> 00:25:30,561 Is it my job? Is that what it is? 520 00:25:30,969 --> 00:25:33,358 Elaine, I can't go on like this. 521 00:25:34,089 --> 00:25:36,239 Look, will-? Will-? Will you call me? 522 00:25:36,409 --> 00:25:37,967 Would you call me? 523 00:25:38,129 --> 00:25:41,519 Well, why? I- All right, you want-? May I call you? 524 00:25:41,689 --> 00:25:43,600 Elaine? Elaine? 525 00:25:45,529 --> 00:25:46,678 Excuse me, Mr. Dalrymple... 526 00:25:46,849 --> 00:25:48,885 - ... I am so sorry. - All right, what's your name? 527 00:25:49,329 --> 00:25:51,604 - David Richardson. - Get out, you're fired. 528 00:25:52,409 --> 00:25:54,843 - But, Mr. Dalrymple- - Don't talk back to me! 529 00:25:55,009 --> 00:25:57,204 I said, get out. You want me to call the cops? 530 00:25:57,369 --> 00:25:59,963 I make and break little worms like you every day. 531 00:26:00,129 --> 00:26:02,199 Do you know how much money I make? Any idea? 532 00:26:02,369 --> 00:26:03,563 Do you know where I live? 533 00:26:03,729 --> 00:26:06,323 I could have any woman in this city that I want. Anyone. 534 00:26:06,489 --> 00:26:08,161 Now, get out! 535 00:26:10,649 --> 00:26:12,958 What are you all looking at?! 536 00:26:13,809 --> 00:26:15,686 Go back to work. 537 00:26:16,769 --> 00:26:17,997 Back! 538 00:26:18,209 --> 00:26:19,722 Back! 539 00:26:28,409 --> 00:26:32,197 Doctor called and said I'm not gonna get the results for another two days. 540 00:26:32,369 --> 00:26:34,121 Oh, you're fine. There's nothing wrong. 541 00:26:34,289 --> 00:26:35,608 I'm the one who's dying. 542 00:26:35,769 --> 00:26:37,361 - What do you mean? - I can't act. 543 00:26:37,529 --> 00:26:39,360 I stink. I don't know what I'm doing. 544 00:26:40,209 --> 00:26:42,279 I'm gonna make a fool out of myself. 545 00:26:43,529 --> 00:26:45,724 Come on, you're... 546 00:26:45,889 --> 00:26:47,368 You're fine. 547 00:26:48,169 --> 00:26:49,682 This show's gonna ruin my career. 548 00:26:50,009 --> 00:26:51,840 - How did I get involved? - What about me? 549 00:26:52,009 --> 00:26:54,159 I was a total failure. Everything was fine. 550 00:26:54,329 --> 00:26:57,799 Now this thing's gonna be a success, and God gives me a terminal disease. 551 00:26:58,089 --> 00:27:00,045 This actress playing Elaine, she's crazy. 552 00:27:00,209 --> 00:27:02,120 The guy playing Kramer threatened me. 553 00:27:02,289 --> 00:27:05,087 - Why? - I asked him about the raisins. 554 00:27:06,769 --> 00:27:08,248 You mentioned the raisins. 555 00:27:08,449 --> 00:27:11,122 - Oh, yeah. - Did he take them? 556 00:27:12,289 --> 00:27:13,768 I don't know. 557 00:27:14,449 --> 00:27:16,201 Well, if he didn't take them... 558 00:27:16,369 --> 00:27:17,927 ...what happened to them? 559 00:27:18,649 --> 00:27:21,038 That's what I'm trying to find out. 560 00:27:25,809 --> 00:27:27,561 - Hey. - Hey. 561 00:27:28,209 --> 00:27:30,439 - Any luck? - No. No, nothing. 562 00:27:30,649 --> 00:27:33,766 I got no peristalsis. 563 00:27:34,089 --> 00:27:36,045 - Well, what about bran? - I tried bran. 564 00:27:36,209 --> 00:27:38,439 Forty percent, 50 percent, 100 percent. 565 00:27:38,609 --> 00:27:40,804 The bran isn't working for me. 566 00:27:40,969 --> 00:27:42,527 - Well, what about Meta-? - Did it. 567 00:27:42,689 --> 00:27:43,963 - How about Ex-? - Yeah, had it. 568 00:27:44,129 --> 00:27:46,120 - Milk of Magne-? - Yeah, yeah. 569 00:27:47,449 --> 00:27:49,326 Well, my friend... 570 00:27:49,969 --> 00:27:53,928 ...it may be time to consider the dreaded apparatus. 571 00:27:56,009 --> 00:27:57,647 Hold it right there. 572 00:27:57,809 --> 00:28:00,846 If you're suggesting what I think, you're wasting your time. 573 00:28:01,009 --> 00:28:04,081 I am not, Jerry, under any circumstances, doing any... 574 00:28:04,249 --> 00:28:06,638 ...inserting in that area. 575 00:28:06,849 --> 00:28:08,282 Oh, it's not that bad. 576 00:28:08,569 --> 00:28:10,639 Yes, it is. 577 00:28:11,009 --> 00:28:12,203 Well... 578 00:28:12,409 --> 00:28:16,038 ...it's all taken care of. I filed a report. An investigation is under way. 579 00:28:16,329 --> 00:28:17,557 So you going to the taping? 580 00:28:17,729 --> 00:28:20,562 No, I don't think I should go. I don't want to bump into Russell. 581 00:28:20,729 --> 00:28:22,128 He called me the other day. 582 00:28:22,289 --> 00:28:25,520 Come on, you gotta go. He's harmless. He's got a little crush on you. 583 00:28:25,689 --> 00:28:29,364 Jerry, this is not a crush. This is a complete fixation. 584 00:28:29,529 --> 00:28:31,281 He makes me very uncomfortable. 585 00:28:31,449 --> 00:28:32,928 We need you there. 586 00:28:33,249 --> 00:28:36,844 - Hey, are you gonna go? - No, no, I- I'm gonna stay home. I... 587 00:28:37,009 --> 00:28:42,003 I wanna be close to my home base, in case there's any news from the front. 588 00:29:48,329 --> 00:29:51,480 No. Pick it up more in the front. It's gotta be higher. Higher. 589 00:29:51,649 --> 00:29:54,004 Make a wall. A wall. 590 00:29:54,169 --> 00:29:56,125 Sandi, are you in wardrobe? 591 00:29:56,289 --> 00:29:58,325 - Sandi? - Try "Elaine." 592 00:29:58,489 --> 00:30:00,844 - Elaine? - Yes? 593 00:30:05,649 --> 00:30:07,321 Elaine? 594 00:30:08,569 --> 00:30:09,763 It's me. 595 00:30:09,929 --> 00:30:12,363 Wilton Marshall. Remember? 596 00:30:12,529 --> 00:30:14,440 Camp Tioga, 1978? 597 00:30:14,609 --> 00:30:16,804 - Remember? - Right. 598 00:30:18,689 --> 00:30:20,566 You know, you haven't changed a bit. 599 00:30:23,969 --> 00:30:26,563 - I can't remember my lines. - Just relax, you'll be fine. 600 00:30:26,729 --> 00:30:29,004 I can't relax. I don't- I don't know any of them. 601 00:30:29,169 --> 00:30:31,239 You're just like George. He'd do the same thing. 602 00:30:31,409 --> 00:30:33,479 - You're just like him. It's amazing. - Help me. 603 00:30:33,649 --> 00:30:35,526 George is always saying that. 604 00:30:35,689 --> 00:30:37,839 You don't have to worry anyway. It's not live. 605 00:30:38,009 --> 00:30:40,045 It's not on till next week. Have a good show. 606 00:30:40,209 --> 00:30:42,404 What's my first line? Just tell me my first line. 607 00:30:42,569 --> 00:30:45,208 - "New sneakers." - "New sneakers."Right, that's it. 608 00:30:47,609 --> 00:30:49,042 Where's Russell? 609 00:30:49,529 --> 00:30:52,362 You know, I don't know. I assumed he wouldn't miss it. 610 00:30:52,529 --> 00:30:54,838 He hasn't been well. 611 00:30:55,449 --> 00:30:58,202 Can I tell you something in confidence? 612 00:30:58,809 --> 00:31:00,322 I think it's a woman. 613 00:31:00,489 --> 00:31:02,047 How pathetic. 614 00:31:02,209 --> 00:31:06,168 Yeah, this is George Costanza. I'm- I'm calling for my test results. 615 00:31:07,729 --> 00:31:09,287 Negative? 616 00:31:10,569 --> 00:31:12,161 Oh, my God! 617 00:31:12,329 --> 00:31:15,480 Why? Why? Why? 618 00:31:16,769 --> 00:31:17,997 What? 619 00:31:18,209 --> 00:31:20,245 Negative's good? 620 00:31:21,929 --> 00:31:24,489 Yes, of course. How stupid of me. 621 00:31:24,649 --> 00:31:27,607 Thank you. Thank you very much. 622 00:31:30,209 --> 00:31:31,847 What was I worried about? 623 00:31:55,929 --> 00:31:57,328 Listen. 624 00:31:57,489 --> 00:32:00,322 I know we've had our problems in the past... 625 00:32:00,489 --> 00:32:04,198 ...but we got a show to do tonight. Time to pull together as a team. 626 00:32:04,369 --> 00:32:05,518 Life's too short. 627 00:32:05,689 --> 00:32:09,204 I say, let's let bygones be bygones. 628 00:32:09,369 --> 00:32:12,361 If you took the raisins, if you didn't take the raisins... 629 00:32:12,529 --> 00:32:14,565 They weren't even my raisins. 630 00:32:14,729 --> 00:32:16,287 I- I was just curious because... 631 00:32:17,689 --> 00:32:19,919 ...seems like a strange thing to do... 632 00:32:20,089 --> 00:32:25,209 ...to walk into a room, audition and walk out with a box of raisins. 633 00:32:25,609 --> 00:32:27,440 Anyway, whatever. 634 00:32:27,609 --> 00:32:31,045 If you ever want to tell me about it, the door to my office is always open. 635 00:32:31,209 --> 00:32:33,279 In the event that I get an office. 636 00:32:33,449 --> 00:32:37,158 You'll come in. We'll talk about the raisins. We'll have a nice laugh. 637 00:32:38,209 --> 00:32:39,881 How would you like it if I just... 638 00:32:40,049 --> 00:32:43,485 ...pulled your heart out of your chest now and shoved it down your throat? 639 00:32:44,089 --> 00:32:48,526 Good evening. Welcome to a taping of the new show Jerry. 640 00:32:50,169 --> 00:32:52,000 Does everybody know what a pilot is? 641 00:32:52,169 --> 00:32:56,606 - Yeah, he flies a plane. - No, a pilot is the taping of a show... 642 00:32:56,769 --> 00:32:59,158 ...that's the first show before a TV series. 643 00:32:59,329 --> 00:33:01,843 And this show will air on Thursday. 644 00:33:02,249 --> 00:33:05,605 Are you ready to meet our cast? All right. 645 00:33:12,569 --> 00:33:14,685 Good evening, folks. How you doing? 646 00:33:15,889 --> 00:33:18,483 You sound like a great crowd. 647 00:33:18,649 --> 00:33:21,163 We have a show we're gonna put on for you tonight. 648 00:33:21,329 --> 00:33:23,889 It's a- It's a new TV show. It's what they call a pilot. 649 00:33:24,049 --> 00:33:27,837 And we hope it becomes a series. It's called Jerry. I'm playing Jerry- 650 00:33:28,009 --> 00:33:30,159 Sic semper tyrannis! 651 00:33:40,249 --> 00:33:42,046 What about Davola? Did you believe that? 652 00:33:42,209 --> 00:33:45,360 What was that thing he yelled out, sic semper tyrannis? Is that Latin? 653 00:33:45,529 --> 00:33:47,599 John Wilkes Booth yelled it when he shot Lincoln. 654 00:33:47,769 --> 00:33:50,158 - Really? What's it mean? - It means "death to tyrants." 655 00:33:50,529 --> 00:33:51,723 I could see that. 656 00:33:53,529 --> 00:33:56,566 See, now, this is exciting! This is exciting! 657 00:33:56,729 --> 00:33:59,766 - Did I miss anything already? - No, it starts in five minutes. 658 00:33:59,929 --> 00:34:01,521 You were there. What's the big deal? 659 00:34:01,689 --> 00:34:03,805 Now it's on TV. It's different. 660 00:34:04,009 --> 00:34:06,318 - I told everybody I know to watch it. - Yeah, me too. 661 00:34:06,809 --> 00:34:09,198 - Did you hear from Russell? - No. 662 00:34:09,369 --> 00:34:11,439 Strange, him not showing up at the taping. 663 00:34:19,369 --> 00:34:20,688 Well, well. 664 00:34:20,849 --> 00:34:22,999 - Congratulations. - Well, thank you. 665 00:34:23,169 --> 00:34:25,683 - You went for the big E, huh? - Wet and wild. 666 00:34:26,929 --> 00:34:29,443 - Kramer, sit down. It's about to start. - Oh, yes. 667 00:34:32,289 --> 00:34:34,325 Hey, what is this? 668 00:34:34,489 --> 00:34:36,400 Look, a wallet. 669 00:34:36,569 --> 00:34:39,288 - A wallet? Let me see that. - Here. 670 00:34:39,449 --> 00:34:43,237 It's my father's wallet. He thought they stole it at the doctor's office. 671 00:34:43,409 --> 00:34:46,048 - This is it. - How do you like that? 672 00:35:18,649 --> 00:35:20,321 You hurt me. 673 00:35:22,009 --> 00:35:24,239 - Hey. - Hey, George. 674 00:35:24,969 --> 00:35:26,960 - New sneakers? - Yeah. 675 00:35:27,129 --> 00:35:29,689 - What do you need new sneakers for? - I like sneakers. 676 00:35:30,089 --> 00:35:33,525 How do you decide which ones to wear? I'd go crazy if I had to decide. 677 00:35:33,689 --> 00:35:35,281 You're crazy anyway. 678 00:35:36,569 --> 00:35:38,480 Why did you eat the top off the muffins? 679 00:35:38,649 --> 00:35:40,879 - So what? - I can't eat it now. 680 00:35:41,089 --> 00:35:42,841 - George. - George. 681 00:35:43,369 --> 00:35:46,088 What kind of stupid show is this? 682 00:35:46,249 --> 00:35:50,481 Hey, that's that idiot that took all my records. 683 00:35:52,169 --> 00:35:55,081 John, what are you doing? Come back to bed. 684 00:35:55,249 --> 00:35:57,558 This show looks interesting. 685 00:35:57,729 --> 00:36:00,084 Isn't he that Seinfeld fella you went out with? 686 00:36:00,369 --> 00:36:02,485 Oh, he's horrible. Horrible. 687 00:36:02,689 --> 00:36:04,008 Nevertheless. 688 00:36:04,409 --> 00:36:06,161 That Jerry's a funny guy, huh? 689 00:36:06,329 --> 00:36:08,001 Got to love the "Sein." 690 00:36:08,169 --> 00:36:09,841 I hate the "Sein." 691 00:36:19,449 --> 00:36:20,962 This is a piece of crap. 692 00:36:21,129 --> 00:36:23,165 Oh, Donald, you used to like him. 693 00:36:23,329 --> 00:36:24,557 What a sellout. 694 00:36:24,729 --> 00:36:26,481 Give me that remote. Give me that. 695 00:36:26,849 --> 00:36:28,567 - Give me the remote. - Donald. 696 00:36:28,729 --> 00:36:31,368 - Jerry, the commercial's almost over. - All right. 697 00:36:31,569 --> 00:36:33,844 You know, I really like this guy playing the butler. 698 00:36:34,009 --> 00:36:35,761 Yeah, he's good. He's John Ritter's cousin. 699 00:36:36,569 --> 00:36:38,480 - Really? - Yeah. 700 00:36:40,889 --> 00:36:42,720 - Hello, Charles. - Hello. 701 00:36:42,889 --> 00:36:45,039 So where do you want me to start today? 702 00:36:45,209 --> 00:36:48,724 - Why don't you start in the bedroom. - I'll start in your bedroom. 703 00:36:50,649 --> 00:36:52,207 - Hey. - Hey. The butler's here. 704 00:36:52,369 --> 00:36:54,121 He is? Listen. 705 00:36:54,289 --> 00:36:56,245 When he's finished, send him over to my house. 706 00:36:56,409 --> 00:36:58,479 - I'm not sending him to your house. - Why not? 707 00:36:58,649 --> 00:37:01,482 The judge decreed he'd become my butler, not my friend's butler. 708 00:37:01,649 --> 00:37:04,322 Jerry, he is your butler. You can give him any order you want. 709 00:37:04,489 --> 00:37:07,049 - That's what butlers do. - But I don't want to. 710 00:37:07,209 --> 00:37:09,803 Jerry, my house is a pigsty. Come on. 711 00:37:12,009 --> 00:37:13,203 - Yeah? - It's Elaine. 712 00:37:13,369 --> 00:37:14,848 Come on up. 713 00:37:16,409 --> 00:37:18,798 - I need more Pledge. - More Pledge? 714 00:37:18,969 --> 00:37:21,881 I just bought two cans last week, and I don't have any wood here. 715 00:37:22,049 --> 00:37:24,085 Well, it goes fast. 716 00:37:27,369 --> 00:37:28,882 Hello. 717 00:37:29,249 --> 00:37:30,284 Hello. 718 00:37:35,529 --> 00:37:37,759 What's all this about? 719 00:37:37,929 --> 00:37:40,568 - We had a date last week. - You had a date? 720 00:37:40,729 --> 00:37:43,960 You went out with my butler? Who said you could go out with my butler? 721 00:37:44,129 --> 00:37:48,088 - Why do I need your permission? - Because he's my butler. 722 00:37:48,889 --> 00:37:51,039 That's terrific. 723 00:37:51,809 --> 00:37:54,562 How could anyone not like him? 724 00:37:54,729 --> 00:37:56,048 I like his style. 725 00:37:56,209 --> 00:37:58,962 He has a sort of casual elegance. 726 00:37:59,129 --> 00:38:00,642 But he picks his nose. 727 00:38:00,809 --> 00:38:02,720 Nevertheless. 728 00:38:02,889 --> 00:38:05,357 He's a member of our health club, isn't he? 729 00:38:05,889 --> 00:38:07,561 Yeah. 730 00:38:09,129 --> 00:38:12,485 You know, that Kim Novak had some big breasts. 731 00:38:17,849 --> 00:38:20,204 You ever notice a lot of butlers are named Jeeves? 732 00:38:22,129 --> 00:38:25,963 You know, I think when you- When you name a baby Jeeves... 733 00:38:26,769 --> 00:38:29,966 ...you've pretty much mapped out his future, wouldn't you say? 734 00:38:30,129 --> 00:38:33,439 Not much chance he's gonna be a hit man, I think, after that. 735 00:38:33,609 --> 00:38:36,567 "I'm terribly sorry, sir, but I'm going to have to whack you." 736 00:38:39,049 --> 00:38:40,243 Yeah. 737 00:38:41,849 --> 00:38:43,680 Oh, wow, that was great. 738 00:38:43,849 --> 00:38:45,362 That show was so funny. 739 00:38:45,529 --> 00:38:48,566 It was really funny. I'm not just saying that because I know you. 740 00:38:48,729 --> 00:38:51,243 All right. Well, let's go out and celebrate. 741 00:38:51,449 --> 00:38:53,679 - That was so good. - Come on, let's eat something. 742 00:38:53,849 --> 00:38:56,568 I think this will get picked up, George. You're gonna be rich! 743 00:38:56,729 --> 00:38:58,447 - You really think so? - Oh, yeah. 744 00:38:58,609 --> 00:39:00,088 And God didn't kill me. 745 00:39:00,409 --> 00:39:01,842 - Hello? - Hi, Jerry. 746 00:39:02,009 --> 00:39:04,842 - This is Rita Kirson. - Oh, hi, Rita. 747 00:39:05,009 --> 00:39:06,328 I'm caling to let you know... 748 00:39:06,489 --> 00:39:08,719 ...Russell Dalrymple is no longer with this network. 749 00:39:09,249 --> 00:39:10,648 Oh, my God. Did he get fired? 750 00:39:10,809 --> 00:39:12,959 To be honest with you, nobody realy knows. 751 00:39:13,129 --> 00:39:14,767 He seems to have disappeared. 752 00:39:14,929 --> 00:39:16,408 Russell's disappeared? 753 00:39:16,729 --> 00:39:19,721 In any event, I've been made the new president of NBC. 754 00:39:19,889 --> 00:39:21,368 As you may or may not know... 755 00:39:21,529 --> 00:39:25,124 ...Russell and I did not see eye to eye on many, many projects. 756 00:39:25,289 --> 00:39:29,680 And as my first order of business, I'm passing on your show. 757 00:39:29,849 --> 00:39:33,319 You're passing already? The show just ended two minutes ago. 758 00:39:33,489 --> 00:39:35,605 Well, I just got the job. 759 00:39:35,769 --> 00:39:37,521 Goodbye, Jerry. 760 00:39:38,689 --> 00:39:40,805 Yeah. See you. 761 00:39:44,569 --> 00:39:47,129 What are you-? What are you looking at me for? 762 00:39:47,289 --> 00:39:49,803 - It was you. - What-? What did I do? 763 00:39:49,969 --> 00:39:52,483 Do you realize his obsession with you cost us a TV series?! 764 00:39:52,689 --> 00:39:55,840 I didn't know that he'd fall for me, and I'd drive him insane, I mean- 765 00:39:56,009 --> 00:39:58,159 - You know, that's not my fault. - Yes, it is! 766 00:39:58,329 --> 00:40:00,001 You're very charming! 767 00:40:01,249 --> 00:40:02,568 I can't believe this. 768 00:40:02,729 --> 00:40:04,242 What happened to him? Where is he? 769 00:40:04,729 --> 00:40:06,401 No one knows. 770 00:40:08,329 --> 00:40:10,763 She works for Pendant Publishing. 771 00:40:10,929 --> 00:40:14,160 She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. 772 00:40:14,329 --> 00:40:15,728 You know... 773 00:40:15,889 --> 00:40:20,167 ...I used to work for NBC, but when I go back to her this time... 774 00:40:20,329 --> 00:40:22,445 ...she'll respect me. 775 00:40:23,369 --> 00:40:27,408 You'd better get down. They might start firing soon. 776 00:40:39,849 --> 00:40:41,202 Hey, look at this. 777 00:40:41,369 --> 00:40:42,563 What is going on here? 778 00:40:42,729 --> 00:40:44,048 Well, well. 779 00:40:44,249 --> 00:40:45,967 Nothing has changed. 780 00:40:46,129 --> 00:40:47,448 How did this happen? 781 00:40:48,889 --> 00:40:51,881 I talked to these guys at the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. 782 00:40:52,049 --> 00:40:54,324 Hey. What are you two guys doing here? 783 00:40:54,529 --> 00:40:57,521 I thought you were gonna do something. Now you're eating here? 784 00:40:57,929 --> 00:41:00,966 No, that's- That's- That's why we're here. We're checking things out. 785 00:41:01,129 --> 00:41:03,006 - We're checking it out. - Checking it out? 786 00:41:03,169 --> 00:41:05,080 See you back at the office, guys. 787 00:41:05,769 --> 00:41:08,727 Fred, Paul, lunch and dinner? 788 00:41:08,889 --> 00:41:11,119 Boy, you guys ought to move in. 789 00:41:11,289 --> 00:41:13,041 How about a piece of pie, on me, huh? 790 00:41:13,209 --> 00:41:15,279 Sophia, take care of these fellows. 791 00:41:15,449 --> 00:41:17,360 Hey, come here. I want you to know something. 792 00:41:17,529 --> 00:41:19,884 You are not gonna get away with this. 793 00:41:20,049 --> 00:41:23,200 - Get away with what? - "With what?"You know what. 794 00:41:23,369 --> 00:41:26,167 With the waitresses, how they're all alike. 795 00:41:28,329 --> 00:41:30,479 Of course they're alike. 796 00:41:30,649 --> 00:41:32,241 They are my daughters. 797 00:41:35,609 --> 00:41:37,725 Your daughters. 798 00:41:38,929 --> 00:41:40,965 You must be very proud, Mr. Barzakian. 799 00:41:41,129 --> 00:41:44,405 And may I say, sir, they're lovely girls. Absolutely lovely girls. 800 00:41:44,569 --> 00:41:46,605 It's nice to see such fine, upstanding women... 801 00:41:46,769 --> 00:41:49,920 - ... in gainful employment, Mr. Barzakian. - Here's table for you. 802 00:41:50,089 --> 00:41:51,522 - Oh, a table right here. - Peggy. 803 00:41:51,689 --> 00:41:53,361 Peggy. All right. 804 00:41:53,529 --> 00:41:55,440 - Peggy? - Peggy. His daughter Peggy. 805 00:41:55,609 --> 00:41:57,201 Peggy's coming over to serve. 806 00:41:57,369 --> 00:41:58,802 One of the family. 807 00:41:59,929 --> 00:42:01,408 - My daughter Peggy. - Peggy. 808 00:42:01,569 --> 00:42:02,763 - Good to see you. - Hi, Peggy. 809 00:42:02,929 --> 00:42:04,965 Thank you very much. 810 00:42:06,729 --> 00:42:09,038 - So guess what I gotta do tomorrow. - What? 811 00:42:09,209 --> 00:42:11,359 Start looking for a job. 812 00:42:11,529 --> 00:42:12,962 You know what you ought to do? 813 00:42:13,129 --> 00:42:14,608 You should work for Greenpeace. 814 00:42:14,769 --> 00:42:17,363 You know, they attack the whalers out on the open sea. 815 00:42:17,529 --> 00:42:18,803 Are you crazy? 816 00:42:18,969 --> 00:42:22,006 You take your life in your hands with those nuts. 817 00:42:22,809 --> 00:42:26,324 Keep fighting it, matey. Get your head above the water. 818 00:42:26,489 --> 00:42:28,764 I've got you, matey. 819 00:42:28,929 --> 00:42:31,602 I got you. Matey. 820 00:42:32,649 --> 00:42:34,401 I'll remember her name. 821 00:42:34,569 --> 00:42:35,888 Elaine Benes. 822 00:42:36,049 --> 00:42:37,607 I'll write to her. 823 00:42:37,769 --> 00:42:41,523 I'll tell her all about you and what you did out here. 824 00:42:41,689 --> 00:42:43,600 Goodbye, matey. 825 00:42:43,769 --> 00:42:45,043 Goodbye. 826 00:42:52,889 --> 00:42:56,006 Now, I know women often complain about the number of things... 827 00:42:56,169 --> 00:42:58,239 ...you have to do to get male attention. 828 00:42:58,409 --> 00:43:00,240 The high heels, the pantyhose, the makeup. 829 00:43:00,409 --> 00:43:02,240 It's even worse if you're a man. 830 00:43:02,409 --> 00:43:04,559 If you're a man, you don't know what to do. 831 00:43:04,729 --> 00:43:07,243 That's why we're building bridges, climbing mountains... 832 00:43:07,409 --> 00:43:11,687 ...exploring uncharted territories. You think we wanna do these things? 833 00:43:11,969 --> 00:43:13,448 Nobody wants to build a bridge. 834 00:43:14,329 --> 00:43:17,048 It's really, really hard. 835 00:43:18,569 --> 00:43:20,878 Designing rockets, flying off into space. 836 00:43:21,049 --> 00:43:24,200 I guarantee you, every astronaut, when he comes back from space... 837 00:43:24,369 --> 00:43:27,805 ...goes up to a girl and goes, "So did you see me up there?" 838 00:43:33,489 --> 00:43:35,480 Subtitles by SDl Media Group