If a friend gets into in a relationship, it affects your friendship.
Because you're like a comedy team, and now there's a third person.
It throws off the timing: "Who's on first?"
"I don't know. Dear, who do you think is on first?"
Whenever a friend starts with a new girlfriend, he should just say:
"I look like the person you used to know...
...but I've been modified to survive in this relationship.
In other words, if we're arguing and she's there...
...I may say, 'I totally disagree with you. '
But what that means is:
'I'd like to help you out, but I'd rather continue to see her naked."'
Okay, cowboys, what will you have?
I'll have the turkey club without the bacon.
And I'll have the bacon club without the turkey.
George, don't make me get tough with you.
Why? You think you can beat me up?
You wouldn't want me to mess up that beautiful face of yours.
Stop it. Stop it.
You don't want bacon. I'll surprise you.
- Is she not terrific? - She does have a way.
You think she thinks I have a beautiful face?
Well, they do work on tips.
"George, don't make me get tough with you."
Who says that? She is really cool.
What do you think? Think she likes me?
I should've got the egg-white omelette.
Why should she like me? Who am I? There's a million people to like.
The omelette. Damn.
Maybe she could like me. Is it that far-fetched?
Maybe she sees something. Is it possible?
- No. Not possible. - No. Not possible.
- Hey. - Hey, Laney.
- How was the trip? - What trip? You were gone?
I went to England.
With Mr. Pitt, for five days?
- How was it? - Actually, it was great.
I met an Englishman, and we really hit it off.
That relationship has obviously got a lot of potential.
Yeah, well, Jerome...
...I happen to be flying him in on my frequent-flier miles.
Flying him in? How long is he staying for?
It's an open-ended ticket. He can return any time he wants.
All this in five days.
Oh, no. It's Kenny Bania.
- Who's he? - He's this awful comedian.
- Hey, Jerry. - Hey, Kenny.
- Elaine, George. - Hi.
- How's it going? - Great. I've been working out.
Went from a size 40 to a 42.
- No kidding? - Yeah. I'm huge.
- I'll leave you guys alone. - Okay, thanks.
Oh, Jerry, you know what just hit me? I was thinking-
- What size suit are you? - I'm a 40. Why?
I just got a brand-new Armani suit, doesn't fit me anymore. You want it?
Well, I don't know if-
Come on. Why should it sit in a closet?
- An Armani suit? - Take the suit.
Well, okay, I guess.
- You gonna be home later? - Yeah.
I'll drop it off.
- Hey, new suit! - Yeah, yeah. Lucky me.
Here, I personally made you a cold chicken sandwich.
It's not even on the menu.
Oh, this is fabulous.
Boy, she is nice.
I like her. I like her, Jerry. She's got substance.
She oozes substance.
Well, go in there and talk to her.
She's not gonna put them on the glass.
You mean the walk back in?
That's the toughest move in the business.
You're sending me into no man's land...
...and if I get shot down, I have to crawl back.
I can't do it, I tell you!
Pull yourself together. You're going in there, soldier.
That's an order!
Get in there.
- Hey. - Hey.
I need you to do me a favour.
- What? - Help me move my refrigerator.
- Why? - Because I'm getting rid of it.
- Yeah? - It's K.B. I have the suit.
All right, come on up.
- So... - Why get rid of your refrigerator?
After that kidney stone, I only want fresh food.
It's gotta be fresh. I'm not eating any more stored food.
Plus, you know, I want the space.
- What for? - Well, I could put a dresser in there.
I could get dressed while I'm making breakfast.
Hey!
- Here you go. - Yeah.
Didn't think I was gonna give you a suit, did you?
- You're giving him this suit? - That's right. It's Armani.
Armani?
- Hey, Armani, Jerry. - Yes, yes, I heard.
- Come on, try it on. - No, it's okay.
- Come on. I want to see how it fits. - All right.
- There you go. - There, okay?
Oh, boy. Look at that. That looks great.
- I can't believe you're giving him this. - And I don't even want anything for it.
- He's very generous, isn't he? - Yes. Yes, he is.
I'll tell you what, you can take me to dinner sometime.
- Dinner? - Yeah, buy me a meal.
- Can't get a better deal than that. - You'll never get a better deal.
- All right, I'll leave you alone. - Yeah, yeah.
Look at that. Armani. Yeah.
Yeah, that's a deal. That's a terrible deal.
I don't want to go out to dinner with him. I'd rather make my own suit.
- I did it. It's all done. - Hey.
I did it. We're going out when she gets off work.
And it'll still be daytime.
I'm better in the daytime than at night. It's less pressure.
I love the day date.
- No wine, no shower. - There you go.
- So the trip was good? - Yes.
Apart from that dreadful airline food.
Wreaked absolute havoc with my stomach.
You know, I have to say, I've never admitted this to anyone...
...but I kind of like airline food.
That's probably because of...
What?
- What? - Yeah, what?
What?
Where I come from, we don't say "what."
It's proper to say "pardon."
Oh, this should be interesting.
- Pardon? - Nothing.
So then, about a year ago, I started selling these funky little hair clips.
It's going pretty good. I make them in my apartment.
I'm just waitressing because I wanted to go to Europe this summer...
...and I could use a few extra- Careful.
Oh, it's just horse manure. Horse manure's not that bad.
I don't even mind the word "manure."
You know, it's "nure," which is good...
...and a "ma"in front of it. Manure.
When you consider the other choices, "manure"is actually pretty refreshing.
- That's a nice watch, George. - Yeah.
You know, my boyfriend has the same one.
- Really? - Yeah, he loves watches.
- He's a real watch freak. - Well, how about that?
- Oh, look out. You stepped right in it. - Yes. I sure did.
So you just pretended it didn't bother you?
What is that? Boyfriend? I don't understand that.
What does she think I asked her out for?
It's the way they just slip it in there too.
Yeah, like it's all just part of the conversation.
"My boyfriend really likes watches. He's a real watch freak."
Well, that's fabulous.
Well, let me ask you this. What exactly did you say when you asked her out?
I said, "Would you like to go for a walk or something?"
- Oh, a walk? Well... - Or something. I said "or something."
Or something?
- Yeah, that's a date. - There you go.
Of course, there is always the possibility that she called an audible.
- What do you mean? - She got to the line of scrimmage...
...didn't like the looks of the defence and changed the play.
I think things were going okay. We were having a nice conversation.
I mentioned how I liked horse manure.
- You did? - Yeah.
- You said you liked horse manure? - Yeah.
You know, about how, when you break it down, it's a very positive thing.
You know, you have a "nure" with a "ma"in front of it.
Manure. It's not bad.
It was around this point she mentioned the boyfriend?
Yeah.
Oh, you think because of what I said about the manure?
I was saying how it takes a negative thing and puts a positive spin on it.
I'm just saying there's a chance she may not have been enamoured...
...with your thoughts and feelings on manure.
So you don't think she has a boyfriend.
My honest opinion? I think she made it up.
Well, then she's just a liar, isn't she?
Hey.
You want something to eat, don't you?
Oh, no, no, no. You got me all wrong, buddy.
I am loving this no refrigerator. You know what I discovered?
I really like depriving myself of things. It's fun. Very monastic.
- Well, what do you eat? - It's all fresh.
Fresh fish, fresh fowl, fresh fruit. I buy it. I eat it.
- Well, I'm glad it's working out. - Oh, yeah. It's working out.
And I got a date with that waitress who works at Reggie's.
Boy, if I could meet a hostess, we could open up our own place.
Yeah. Well, I'll tell you, she's a full-figured gal.
- Is she? - Oh, you better believe it, buddy.
- George, we could double sometime. - Yeah, yeah, we could.
You know, Kramer, the next time you talk to her...
...find out if she knows Kelly from Monk's.
I want to know if she has a boyfriend.
All right, let's get over here.
- Hello. - Hi, Jerry. It's Kenny.
- Oh, hi. - I was thinking, if you're not busy...
...maybe I can get my meal today?
Yeah, you want to get that meal, don't you?
How about Mendy's. Ever been there?
- No, I haven't. - You're gonna love it.
- I'll meet you there around 7. - All right.
Yeah, I really needed that suit.
I start off with curls. That's good for the bicep.
I do 10 reps, two sets.
That's fantastic.
- You work out with weights? - I don't.
- You should. - Why?
- You worn the suit yet? - No, not yet.
- Have you decided? - Oh, get the swordfish.
Best swordfish in the city. The best, Jerry.
I'll have the salmon.
And you?
You know what I think? I'm just gonna have soup.
Yeah, I'll save the meal for another time.
Another time? What other time?
I had a hot dog earlier. I'm not that hungry.
No, no, Bania, no.
This is the dinner. The soup counts.
Soup's not a meal. You're supposed to buy me a meal.
I'm not stopping you from eating. Go ahead. Get anything you want.
- But I don't want anything but soup. - Then that's the meal.
But I had the hot dog.
Who told you to have a hot dog?
Hey, I give you a brand-new Armani suit...
...and you won't even buy me a meal.
All right, fine. Get the soup.
So he just gets soup. He wants to save the meal.
So now I got to do it all over again.
What kind of soup did he get?
I don't know. Consommé or something.
- Consommé. - What?
Well, that's really not a meal, Jerry.
I mean, if he had gotten chicken gumbo or matzo ball...
...even mushroom barley, then I'd agree with you.
Those are very hearty soups.
- You're missing the whole point. - What?
The meal is the act of sitting down with him.
It doesn't matter what you get.
As long as he's sitting in that restaurant, it's a meal.
- Was it a cup or a bowl? - You see? Again.
- I'm just curious. - A bowl, okay?
Did he crumble any crackers in it?
As a matter of fact, he did.
Oh, well, crackers in a bowl. That could be a meal.
It's like I'm talking to my aunt Sylvia here.
- Hi, Simon. This is Jerry. - Hello.
- Elaine, do you have cash on you? - Yeah, in my purse.
No, there was only $6.
Well, I have some money. What do you need?
Twenty should cover me. Thanks, mate.
- Where are you going? - Just visiting.
- Okay. See you later. - I won't be back for dinner.
Pardon?
- So is she working? Is she here? - Yeah, she's here.
- Have you said anything? - No. I'm very uncomfortable.
- Are you gonna say anything? - I don't know.
- Hello. - Hello.
Well, what's it going to be?
- "What's it gonna be?" - Yes. What will you have?
Are you eating? It's in that vein.
- I'll just have a bowl of chilli. - I'll have an egg-white omelette.
- "What's it gonna be?"Hear that? - Yeah, that was bad.
Did you feel that tension?
We used to have banter. There's no more banter.
Oh, no. It's Kenny. Slide out so he can't sit here.
- Hey. - Hey.
- You worn the suit? - Actually I did.
I put it on last night and slept in it.
- You did? - No, I'm joking.
Can I squeeze in?
Sure you can.
Thanks.
- Can I take your order? - What kind of soup do you have?
Why don't you get a sandwich.
Okay. I'll have tomato soup and tuna on toast.
Okay. This is it, you know.
This is the meal. So stock up, buddy boy.
What are you talking about? This isn't a meal.
Yes, it is. Soup and sandwich. That is a meal.
You're supposed to buy me dinner in a nice restaurant like Mendy's.
- I tried to do that. - This is lunch in a coffee shop.
It doesn't matter. This is it. This completes the transaction.
Oh, soup and a sandwich for a brand-new Armani suit.
- Is that any kind of a gesture? - I'm really not comfortable-
Hey, I just spoke to Hildy about your friend.
- Yeah? - She doesn't have a boyfriend.
She made it up.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Where's Simon? - Oh, he'll be right up.
He's just getting some beer.
And I'm not expecting any change.
- When's he leaving? - About two days.
Although he's hinting at how he'd like to stay.
Fortunately, he has no money and no prospects.
- Hey, mate. Fancy a beer? - No, thanks.
Hello?
No, I'm sorry, Bania. I'm not going over this again.
Well, who told you to order soup?
No, there's no dinner. There's not going to be any dinner.
You've had a sandwich and two bowls of soup, and that's it.
Goodbye.
- Hey, what size suit are you? - Forty.
Forty. Perfect.
- Brand-new Armani suit, you want it? - Absolutely.
Great. It's yours. I can't stand the sight of it.
- Elaine, here's the car keys. - Thanks.
- Yep. - Listen, Jerry.
I been doing some thinking. I want my suit back.
I don't have your suit. I gave it away.
- Wel, it's my suit. - Well, it's gone.
I'm sorry. Goodbye, Bania.
- Hey. - Hey.
Yeah.
- Well, how's everything? - Okay.
Good.
- What's going on? - Nothing.
Really?
You want food, don't you?
It's not for me, it's for Hildy, the waitress I was telling you about.
She's hungry. She wants food.
If I go back in there without any food, there's gonna be trouble.
All right, go ahead.
- Did you find anything? - Yeah.
There's a few things in here. Peanut butter, cheese. Yeah.
- Cheese is good. What kind? - Swiss.
All right, it'll have to do. Come on.
What are you doing out here?
I can't go in there. I'm too uncomfortable.
We're not gonna go in there anymore?
Hey, what are you doing out here?
We can't eat here, because he took a waitress for a walk.
What's the difference? Let's go to Reggie's.
- Reggie's? I can't eat anything there. - It's the same menu.
There's no big salad.
They'll make you a big salad.
What do you think, they're the only ones that make a big salad?
All right, let's go to Reggie's.
So, what's going on with Simon? Did he leave?
Wait till you hear this.
So Simon picks this woman up right in front of me.
Look. They make a point of saying on the menu:
"No egg-white omelettes." Look at that.
So what? Have a yolk. It won't kill you.
- Hello. - Oh, hi, Hildy.
Could I get an egg-white omelette?
- Did you read the menu? - All right. Just give me a western.
- How about a big salad? - A big salad?
- See? - Just tell her what you want.
They'll make it for you.
It's a salad, only bigger, with lots of stuff in it.
I can bring you two small salads.
Could you put it in a big bowl?
We don't have big bowls.
- All right, just give me a cup of decaf. - We have Sanka.
It's not fair. I've been going there for seven years.
- She's been there three weeks. - Not fair.
If anyone should be forced to leave, it should be her.
She's on your turf.
If only she could get fired. Is there any way that could happen?
I mean, I know how to get myself fired.
- You're the best. - Well...
How do I get someone else fired?
Well, as I see it...
...you've got to apply the principles that get you fired...
...but redirected outwardly.
Hey, hey.
She's hungry, Jerry.
There's nothing left. There's no food.
No food?
Well, you gotta have something. I can't go back in there with no food.
She expecting something, Jerry.
You don't know what she's like when that blood sugar drops.
There, you see, she's already in a bad mood. She just got fired.
Why did she get fired?
I called over there a couple of times...
...and the manager didn't like it.
Simon is definitely going back now.
He's meeting me here to return my keys.
Boy, he's a real bounder, isn't he?
Yes, he's one of those bounders.
- Egg-white omelette, big salad. - Thank you.
I wanted you guys to know that Friday is my last day.
Bloomingdale's ordered a bunch of my clips.
Thank God. I don't have to do this anymore.
Hey, Jerry. Where's my suit?
I don't have it. You want half my omelette?
I told you, she's busy.
She can't come to the phone now.
Tell your boyfriend to stop calling here.
He's not my boyfriend.
It's that bald guy with the glasses who's always here with them.
He's trying to get me in trouble.
Hey! Yeah.
I got a message for you.
You tell your friend George...
...that the next time I see him around here...
...I'm gonna turn him into my own personal hand puppet.
Well, hello. Here you are, as promised.
You see, I'm a man of my word.
- When are you leaving? - Are you trying to get rid of me?
I was supposed to leave tomorrow, but I've been set up with a job interview...
...that might enable me to extend my visit indefinitely.
And it is all due to this suit.
How do I look?
I'm a shoo-in, aren't I? Thanks again, hon.
Hey, Kenny. You still wanna get that suit back?
- Yeah. - There it goes.
Hey! Hey!
Come here, you.
- Wait, what are you-? Unhand me! - Take it off!
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