1 00:00:04,049 --> 00:00:06,688 The Christmas tree seems to inspire a love-hate relationship. 2 00:00:06,849 --> 00:00:09,921 All that time is spent selecting it and decorating it... 3 00:00:10,089 --> 00:00:12,808 ...and then a week after, it's just thrown somewhere. 4 00:00:12,969 --> 00:00:15,881 You see it by the side of the road. It looks like a mob hit. 5 00:00:16,049 --> 00:00:20,042 The car slows down, the door opens, and this tree just rolls out. 6 00:00:21,729 --> 00:00:25,119 People snap out of that Christmas spirit like it was a drunken stupor. 7 00:00:25,289 --> 00:00:27,007 They just wake up one morning and go: 8 00:00:27,169 --> 00:00:30,127 "Oh, my God, there's a tree inside the house. 9 00:00:30,529 --> 00:00:33,043 Just throw it anywhere." 10 00:00:39,369 --> 00:00:41,246 Ready to go, Lois? 11 00:00:41,489 --> 00:00:44,128 Boy, you sure like to say my name, don't you? 12 00:00:44,289 --> 00:00:46,598 Excuse me, Lois. Stand back, Lois. 13 00:00:46,769 --> 00:00:48,043 Jimmy's in trouble, Lois. 14 00:00:49,489 --> 00:00:51,719 Oh, Mr. Meyer, this is my friend Jerry- 15 00:00:51,889 --> 00:00:55,962 - Jerry Seinfeld. - Duncan Meyer. 16 00:00:56,129 --> 00:00:58,563 - You two know each other? - Yeah. 17 00:00:58,729 --> 00:01:01,801 We went to high school together, didn't we, Jerry? 18 00:01:01,969 --> 00:01:05,166 - Yeah, yeah. - Gee, I hope you're not leaving now. 19 00:01:05,329 --> 00:01:07,524 We still have a lot of work left to do. 20 00:01:07,689 --> 00:01:10,044 Would you be able to come all the way downtown again... 21 00:01:10,209 --> 00:01:11,722 ...in rush hour and pick me up? 22 00:01:12,169 --> 00:01:15,081 Why, I'd have to be Superman to do that, Lois. 23 00:01:16,689 --> 00:01:18,759 No. No, this is all wrong. 24 00:01:18,929 --> 00:01:22,126 - Where's the chicken cashew? - You no order chicken cashew. 25 00:01:22,849 --> 00:01:25,727 No, I didn't order any of this. I'm not paying for this. 26 00:01:26,209 --> 00:01:27,403 Fine, Benes. 27 00:01:27,569 --> 00:01:29,002 We're putting you on our list. 28 00:01:29,329 --> 00:01:31,638 - What list? - The do-not-deliver list. 29 00:01:32,609 --> 00:01:33,928 Merry Christmas to you. 30 00:01:36,689 --> 00:01:39,283 - Well, I guess we'll just go out. - Yeah. 31 00:01:39,449 --> 00:01:41,440 What are you doing with the Daily Work er? 32 00:01:41,609 --> 00:01:43,520 I figure Ned must have left it here. 33 00:01:43,729 --> 00:01:47,005 Your boyfriend reads the Daily Work er? What is he, a Communist? 34 00:01:47,249 --> 00:01:49,638 He reads everything. You know, Ned's very well-read. 35 00:01:49,889 --> 00:01:53,598 Maybe he's just very, well, Red. 36 00:01:56,489 --> 00:01:59,720 A Communist? Don't you think he probably would have told me? 37 00:01:59,889 --> 00:02:03,006 Well, does he wear bland, drab, olive-coloured clothing? 38 00:02:03,529 --> 00:02:04,882 Yes. 39 00:02:05,049 --> 00:02:07,324 Yes, he does dress a little drab. 40 00:02:07,489 --> 00:02:09,286 He's a Communist. 41 00:02:10,369 --> 00:02:12,280 Hey, look at this. 42 00:02:12,489 --> 00:02:16,767 "Exciting, uninhibited woman seeks forward-thinking comrade. 43 00:02:16,929 --> 00:02:19,318 Appearance not important." 44 00:02:19,489 --> 00:02:22,481 Appearance not important? This is unbelievable. 45 00:02:22,649 --> 00:02:25,880 Finally, this an ideology I can embrace. 46 00:02:26,489 --> 00:02:27,968 - Hey. - Hey. 47 00:02:28,369 --> 00:02:29,961 - Where's Lois? - She couldn't make it. 48 00:02:30,129 --> 00:02:32,518 I can't believe you're going out with a woman named Lois. 49 00:02:32,689 --> 00:02:33,917 I know. Finally. 50 00:02:34,089 --> 00:02:36,080 But, George, guess who her boss is? 51 00:02:36,249 --> 00:02:38,922 - Duncan Meyer. - Duncan Meyer? 52 00:02:39,089 --> 00:02:40,442 - Who's he? - Elaine... 53 00:02:40,609 --> 00:02:42,918 ...only one person knows what I'm about to tell you... 54 00:02:43,089 --> 00:02:44,568 ...and that's George. 55 00:02:48,209 --> 00:02:51,804 In the ninth grade they had us all line up in the schoolyard for this race... 56 00:02:51,969 --> 00:02:54,529 ...to see who would represent the school in this track meet. 57 00:02:54,769 --> 00:02:58,239 I was the last one on the end, George was next to me and Mr. Bevilaqua- 58 00:02:58,409 --> 00:03:01,162 - What's that? - Mr. Bevilaqua, the gym teacher. 59 00:03:01,329 --> 00:03:03,240 - Oh, of course. - He was down at the other end. 60 00:03:03,409 --> 00:03:08,199 So he yells out, "Ready. On your mark. Get set..." 61 00:03:08,369 --> 00:03:11,406 And I was so keyed up, I just took off. 62 00:03:11,569 --> 00:03:13,958 By the time he said, "Go," I was ten yards ahead. 63 00:03:14,129 --> 00:03:15,278 - No. - I looked up. 64 00:03:15,449 --> 00:03:16,768 I couldn't believe it. 65 00:03:16,929 --> 00:03:19,397 By the time the race was over, I had won. I was shocked. 66 00:03:19,569 --> 00:03:21,844 - Nobody had noticed the head start. - Really? 67 00:03:22,009 --> 00:03:23,681 Yes. And I had won by so much... 68 00:03:23,849 --> 00:03:26,886 ...a myth began to grow about my speed. 69 00:03:27,409 --> 00:03:29,479 Only Duncan suspected something was amiss. 70 00:03:29,649 --> 00:03:31,685 He's hated me ever since. 71 00:03:31,849 --> 00:03:33,760 And now he's back. 72 00:03:34,449 --> 00:03:36,360 Well, what happened when you raced him again? 73 00:03:36,529 --> 00:03:38,201 I never did. 74 00:03:39,089 --> 00:03:41,557 In four years of high school, I would never race anyone... 75 00:03:41,729 --> 00:03:43,924 ...not even to the end of a block or to catch a bus. 76 00:03:44,209 --> 00:03:46,200 And so the legend grew. 77 00:03:46,369 --> 00:03:48,758 Everyone wanted me to race. They begged me. 78 00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:52,365 The track coach called my parents, pleading, telling them it was a sin... 79 00:03:52,529 --> 00:03:54,724 ...for me to waste my God-given talent. 80 00:03:54,889 --> 00:03:57,722 But I answered him in the same way I answered everyone. 81 00:03:57,889 --> 00:04:00,119 I choose not to run. 82 00:04:02,529 --> 00:04:04,520 So now Duncan is back? 83 00:04:04,689 --> 00:04:06,600 He's back. 84 00:04:06,769 --> 00:04:09,237 As I knew he would be someday. 85 00:04:12,569 --> 00:04:14,924 Man, that's some tart cider. 86 00:04:18,769 --> 00:04:20,088 - Hi. - Hi. 87 00:04:20,249 --> 00:04:23,161 - Sorry I missed the Chinese food. - Oh, so am I. 88 00:04:23,329 --> 00:04:25,638 How's Duncan? 89 00:04:26,049 --> 00:04:27,767 He's okay. 90 00:04:28,129 --> 00:04:29,926 He say anything? 91 00:04:30,289 --> 00:04:31,483 About what? 92 00:04:32,209 --> 00:04:34,439 Oh, nothing in particular. 93 00:04:35,449 --> 00:04:37,883 - Why did you cheat in that race? - I did not cheat. 94 00:04:38,049 --> 00:04:39,562 He said that you got a head start. 95 00:04:39,729 --> 00:04:42,448 Oh, he's just jealous because he came in second. 96 00:04:42,609 --> 00:04:44,759 - Really? - Yeah. 97 00:04:45,169 --> 00:04:47,364 So you were the fastest kid in school. 98 00:04:48,209 --> 00:04:51,007 Faster than a speeding bullet, Lois. 99 00:04:53,369 --> 00:04:57,248 So how was work? Another day, another dollar? 100 00:04:58,289 --> 00:05:00,484 - I guess. - Yeah, well, nothing wrong with that. 101 00:05:00,649 --> 00:05:03,402 Gotta make those big bucks. 102 00:05:03,569 --> 00:05:06,163 Money, money, money. 103 00:05:06,849 --> 00:05:08,840 Are you a Communist? 104 00:05:11,129 --> 00:05:12,448 Yes, as a matter of fact, I am. 105 00:05:15,089 --> 00:05:16,602 A commie. 106 00:05:17,889 --> 00:05:19,242 Must be a bummer for you guys... 107 00:05:19,409 --> 00:05:22,128 ...what with the fall of the Soviet empire and everything. 108 00:05:22,409 --> 00:05:24,764 Well, yeah. Well, we still got China, Cuba. 109 00:05:25,369 --> 00:05:28,247 Yeah, but come on. 110 00:05:29,569 --> 00:05:32,367 - I know. It's not the same. - Well, you had a good run. 111 00:05:32,529 --> 00:05:35,805 I mean, what was it? Seventy-five, 80 years wreaking havoc... 112 00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:37,288 ...making everybody nervous. 113 00:05:38,449 --> 00:05:40,041 Yeah, we had a good run. 114 00:05:40,209 --> 00:05:42,769 Well, so enjoy yourself. 115 00:05:46,129 --> 00:05:47,278 So you lied to her? 116 00:05:47,529 --> 00:05:50,965 I couldn't tell her. I don't know what's gonna happen between us. 117 00:05:51,169 --> 00:05:53,285 If we have a bad breakup, she'll go to Duncan. 118 00:05:53,449 --> 00:05:57,442 I want him to go to his grave never being certain that I got that head start. 119 00:05:58,129 --> 00:06:02,122 Well, I'm dating a Communist. 120 00:06:03,409 --> 00:06:06,287 - A Communist? That's something. - Yeah, that's pretty cool, isn't it? 121 00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:08,121 Hey, I called one of those girls... 122 00:06:08,289 --> 00:06:10,928 ...from the personal ads in the Daily Work er. 123 00:06:11,169 --> 00:06:13,478 - The Daily Work er has personals? - Yeah. 124 00:06:13,649 --> 00:06:17,085 And they say that appearance is not important. 125 00:06:17,249 --> 00:06:19,160 Yours or hers? 126 00:06:21,649 --> 00:06:23,924 Merry Christmas, everyone. 127 00:06:24,089 --> 00:06:26,284 - Merry Christmas. - Well, look at you. 128 00:06:26,449 --> 00:06:27,962 - You got the job. - You're looking... 129 00:06:28,129 --> 00:06:31,201 ...at the new Santa at Coleman's Department Store. 130 00:06:31,369 --> 00:06:33,041 - All right. Way to go. - Congratulations. 131 00:06:33,209 --> 00:06:35,359 Yeah. Feel that, isn't it great? 132 00:06:35,569 --> 00:06:37,719 Look, it's Mickey. 133 00:06:39,009 --> 00:06:41,045 Come on. Get your beard on. We're gonna be late. 134 00:06:41,209 --> 00:06:44,360 On Prancer. On Dasher. On Donna. 135 00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:46,281 It's not Donna. It's Donner. 136 00:06:46,449 --> 00:06:47,882 - It's Donna. - Right. On Prancer. 137 00:06:48,049 --> 00:06:50,005 On Dancer. On Ethel. On Harriet. 138 00:06:53,769 --> 00:06:56,567 Hello. Oh, hi, Lois. 139 00:06:56,809 --> 00:06:59,562 He wants to get together? What for? 140 00:06:59,769 --> 00:07:02,602 I don't know about that. I'll have to think about it. 141 00:07:02,769 --> 00:07:05,886 - I'll let you know. Okay. Bye. - What's up? 142 00:07:06,049 --> 00:07:07,960 Duncan wants to get together with me and her. 143 00:07:08,129 --> 00:07:10,199 He's gonna try to get me to admit I got a head start. 144 00:07:10,369 --> 00:07:11,882 I don't think she believes me. 145 00:07:12,049 --> 00:07:13,607 He wants to meet you? 146 00:07:13,769 --> 00:07:17,000 I'll tell you what. I'll show up. He doesn't know we're friends. 147 00:07:17,169 --> 00:07:20,127 I'll pretend I haven't seen you since school. I'll back up the story. 148 00:07:20,289 --> 00:07:22,007 - That's not bad. - Not bad? 149 00:07:22,169 --> 00:07:23,807 It's gorgeous. 150 00:07:29,929 --> 00:07:32,966 Well, come on, little princess, tell Santa what you want. 151 00:07:33,129 --> 00:07:36,326 - Don't be shy. - She doesn't speak English. 152 00:07:36,529 --> 00:07:39,202 Oh, Santa speaks the language of all children. 153 00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:51,408 Hey, Mickey, when do we get a break? My lap is killing me. 154 00:07:51,569 --> 00:07:54,208 - There is no break. - This is like a sweatshop. 155 00:07:55,369 --> 00:07:57,599 - Kramer. - Hey, hey, hey. 156 00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:04,287 There's a Natalie on line two. 157 00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:08,045 - Natalie? - From the Daily Work er. 158 00:08:08,409 --> 00:08:10,047 Thank you. 159 00:08:12,529 --> 00:08:14,884 Hello. Yes, Natalie. 160 00:08:15,249 --> 00:08:20,767 Well, yes, this is a business office, but I'm not a businessman per se. 161 00:08:20,929 --> 00:08:23,284 I'm here working for the people. 162 00:08:23,929 --> 00:08:26,523 Yes, I'm causing dissent... 163 00:08:26,689 --> 00:08:30,728 ...stirring the pot, getting people to question the whole rotten system. 164 00:08:34,129 --> 00:08:35,642 - Elaine. - Arlene. 165 00:08:35,809 --> 00:08:37,083 - Hi. - Hello. 166 00:08:37,249 --> 00:08:39,809 - Doing a little Christmas shopping? - Yeah, yeah. 167 00:08:39,969 --> 00:08:42,119 Oh, this is Ned. He's a Communist. 168 00:08:42,449 --> 00:08:43,598 - Oh, really? - Yeah. 169 00:08:43,809 --> 00:08:46,403 Big Communist. Big, big Communist. 170 00:08:47,009 --> 00:08:49,364 - It was awfully nice to see you. - Yeah, see you later. 171 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:51,406 - Okey-dokey. Bye-bye. - Bye-bye. 172 00:08:51,569 --> 00:08:53,002 Listen, as long as we're here... 173 00:08:53,169 --> 00:08:55,637 ...what do you say we do a little shirt-shopping? 174 00:08:55,889 --> 00:08:57,880 Out of the question. 175 00:08:58,809 --> 00:09:00,162 - Kramer. - Oh, hi. 176 00:09:00,329 --> 00:09:02,365 Hi. Hi, Mickey. How are you? 177 00:09:02,529 --> 00:09:04,326 - This is Ned. - Oh, hey. 178 00:09:04,489 --> 00:09:05,888 How are you doing there, buddy? 179 00:09:06,049 --> 00:09:09,007 Hey, you guys stay here, okay? I'll be right back. Right back. 180 00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:12,047 Eight hours of jingle-belling and ho-ho-hoing. 181 00:09:12,209 --> 00:09:13,881 Boy, I am hoed out. 182 00:09:14,449 --> 00:09:16,724 - Anyone who works here is a sap. - Hey, watch it, pal. 183 00:09:16,889 --> 00:09:18,641 Whoa, whoa, easy. Come on, come on. 184 00:09:18,809 --> 00:09:20,879 What's the matter with you? 185 00:09:21,489 --> 00:09:24,128 The Santas at Bloomfields are making double what you are. 186 00:09:24,769 --> 00:09:27,237 - Double? - I bet the glue from that beard itches. 187 00:09:27,409 --> 00:09:28,558 You've got that straight. 188 00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:30,805 So when you get a rash all over your face... 189 00:09:30,969 --> 00:09:33,403 ...you think Coleman's will be there with a medical plan? 190 00:09:33,569 --> 00:09:35,799 Look, you take that commie crap out to the street. 191 00:09:35,969 --> 00:09:39,564 I've got literature in my car that will change your whole way of thinking. 192 00:09:39,729 --> 00:09:41,321 - Talk to me. - Don't listen to him. 193 00:09:41,489 --> 00:09:42,888 You've got a good job here. 194 00:09:43,729 --> 00:09:47,517 There's just no way you could've beaten me by that much. 195 00:09:47,729 --> 00:09:50,289 I had already beaten you in junior high school three times. 196 00:09:50,449 --> 00:09:52,565 I didn't hit puberty till the ninth grade. 197 00:09:52,849 --> 00:09:55,682 That's what gave me my speed. 198 00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:59,166 Besides, if I got a head start, why didn't Mr. Bevilaqua stop the race? 199 00:09:59,329 --> 00:10:02,685 - That's what I've always wondered. - Well... 200 00:10:05,849 --> 00:10:08,204 Oh, my God. 201 00:10:08,609 --> 00:10:11,885 No. Oh, my God. 202 00:10:12,169 --> 00:10:13,921 Jerry. 203 00:10:14,729 --> 00:10:16,606 I'm sorry. 204 00:10:18,209 --> 00:10:19,437 George. 205 00:10:19,609 --> 00:10:24,683 - George Costanza. - Oh, George Costanza. 206 00:10:24,849 --> 00:10:28,080 - Kennedy High. - Yes, yes, yes. 207 00:10:28,249 --> 00:10:31,082 - This is unbelievable. - Hi, George. 208 00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:35,246 Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't tell me. Don't tell me. 209 00:10:35,409 --> 00:10:39,641 It starts with a... Duncan. 210 00:10:39,809 --> 00:10:41,322 That's right. 211 00:10:41,489 --> 00:10:44,447 Wow, this is something. I haven't seen you guys in, what, 20 years? 212 00:10:44,729 --> 00:10:46,720 - This is Lois. - Hi, there. 213 00:10:48,729 --> 00:10:50,367 What have you been doing with yourself? 214 00:10:50,529 --> 00:10:52,963 Well, I'm a comedian. 215 00:10:55,209 --> 00:10:58,326 Well, I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. 216 00:10:58,489 --> 00:11:01,162 I like to read. 217 00:11:01,649 --> 00:11:04,004 What do you do? A lot of that did-you-ever-notice stuff? 218 00:11:04,169 --> 00:11:06,603 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 219 00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:11,005 It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind. 220 00:11:11,169 --> 00:11:12,921 Yeah, yeah. 221 00:11:13,969 --> 00:11:16,005 Well, you really went bald there, didn't you? 222 00:11:19,289 --> 00:11:21,803 - Yeah, yeah. - You used to really have... 223 00:11:21,969 --> 00:11:26,599 - ... a thick, full head of hair. - Yeah, yeah. 224 00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:28,361 Poof. 225 00:11:28,529 --> 00:11:32,044 Yeah, well, I guess I started losing it when I was about 28... 226 00:11:32,209 --> 00:11:34,279 ...right around the time I made my first million. 227 00:11:34,449 --> 00:11:36,917 Yeah. You know, it's true what they say. 228 00:11:37,089 --> 00:11:40,081 - The first million is the hardest one. - Yeah, yeah. 229 00:11:40,249 --> 00:11:42,717 - What do you do? - I'm an architect. 230 00:11:44,049 --> 00:11:46,404 Have you designed any buildings in New York? 231 00:11:46,569 --> 00:11:48,764 Have you seen the new addition to the Guggenheim? 232 00:11:49,369 --> 00:11:51,485 - You did that? - Yep, yep. 233 00:11:51,649 --> 00:11:53,685 Really didn't take very long either. 234 00:11:54,009 --> 00:11:57,479 Well, you've really built yourself up into something. 235 00:11:58,689 --> 00:12:00,566 I had a dream, Jerry. 236 00:12:00,729 --> 00:12:03,289 You know, one can't help but wonder... 237 00:12:03,449 --> 00:12:06,486 ...what brings you into a crummy little coffee shop like this. 238 00:12:07,649 --> 00:12:09,958 Well, I like to stay in touch with the people. 239 00:12:10,649 --> 00:12:13,482 You got a hole in your sneaker there. What is that, canvas? 240 00:12:13,649 --> 00:12:14,968 Yeah, my driver is waiting... 241 00:12:15,129 --> 00:12:17,927 ...so I really should get running. Good to see you guys again. 242 00:12:18,089 --> 00:12:19,966 George, George, hang on a second... 243 00:12:20,129 --> 00:12:22,359 ...because we haven't seen you in so long. 244 00:12:23,129 --> 00:12:24,357 I thought we might reminisce. 245 00:12:24,529 --> 00:12:27,202 Duncan and I were just talking about the day of the big race. 246 00:12:27,369 --> 00:12:29,963 Oh, the big race. Yes, yes. 247 00:12:30,289 --> 00:12:33,520 - You were there? - Oh, sure, sure. I certainly was. 248 00:12:33,689 --> 00:12:36,203 Yeah, I remember that day. Well, I'll never forget it... 249 00:12:36,369 --> 00:12:39,486 ...because that was the day that I lost my virginity to Miss Stafford... 250 00:12:39,649 --> 00:12:43,562 - ... the voluptuous homeroom teacher. - Miss Stafford? 251 00:12:43,729 --> 00:12:46,448 Yes, yes. You know, I was in detention... 252 00:12:46,609 --> 00:12:49,077 ...and she came up behind me while I was erasing the board. 253 00:12:49,249 --> 00:12:52,685 - George. - But I digress. 254 00:12:53,449 --> 00:12:56,168 Let me see. I remember you were standing at one end of the line. 255 00:12:56,329 --> 00:12:58,285 I was right next to you... 256 00:12:58,449 --> 00:13:01,009 ...and I remember we were even for the first five yards... 257 00:13:01,169 --> 00:13:02,761 ...and then... You were gone. 258 00:13:02,929 --> 00:13:05,397 - Did I get a head start? - Head start? Oh, no. 259 00:13:05,569 --> 00:13:07,048 Absolutely not. No. 260 00:13:07,769 --> 00:13:09,088 You satisfied? So you see? 261 00:13:09,249 --> 00:13:11,968 No. I'm still not convinced, and I never will be. 262 00:13:12,209 --> 00:13:14,359 Why don't the two of you just race again? 263 00:13:14,529 --> 00:13:16,963 - That's a good idea. - No, no, no. 264 00:13:17,129 --> 00:13:18,687 Another race. Out of the question. 265 00:13:18,849 --> 00:13:21,761 You've been saying that for 20 years. You know you can't beat me. 266 00:13:21,929 --> 00:13:25,638 You couldn't beat me then, and you can't beat me now. 267 00:13:26,929 --> 00:13:29,682 Race him, Jerry. Race him. 268 00:13:31,409 --> 00:13:33,047 All right. 269 00:13:33,569 --> 00:13:34,763 I'll do it. 270 00:13:34,929 --> 00:13:36,408 The race is on. 271 00:13:39,009 --> 00:13:40,522 - You're gonna race him? - Yeah. 272 00:13:40,689 --> 00:13:44,045 And he's calling all these people from high school to come and watch. 273 00:13:45,649 --> 00:13:47,719 I knew this day would come. 274 00:13:48,049 --> 00:13:52,167 I can't. I can't go through with it. I'm calling it off. I can't let the legend die. 275 00:13:52,449 --> 00:13:55,361 It's like a kid finding out there's no Santa Claus. 276 00:13:55,849 --> 00:13:59,808 Each according to his ability, to each according to his means. 277 00:13:59,969 --> 00:14:01,322 What does that mean? 278 00:14:01,489 --> 00:14:04,799 Well, if you got means and ability, that's a pretty good combination. 279 00:14:04,969 --> 00:14:06,960 So what if I wanna open a delicatessen? 280 00:14:07,129 --> 00:14:09,040 There are no delicatessens under Communists. 281 00:14:09,209 --> 00:14:10,608 Whoa, why not? 282 00:14:10,809 --> 00:14:13,448 Well, because the meats are divided into a class system. 283 00:14:13,609 --> 00:14:15,520 You've got pastrami and corned beef in one... 284 00:14:15,689 --> 00:14:17,884 ...and salami and bologna in another. Not right. 285 00:14:18,049 --> 00:14:19,641 So you can't get corned beef? 286 00:14:19,809 --> 00:14:24,041 Well, you know, if you're in the politburo, maybe. 287 00:14:25,649 --> 00:14:28,368 Yeah, this is George Costanza. Any messages for me? 288 00:14:29,089 --> 00:14:31,887 Why does Mr. Steinbrenner wanna see me in his office? 289 00:14:32,889 --> 00:14:35,403 Communist? I'm not a Communist. 290 00:14:36,729 --> 00:14:38,560 All right. All right. I'll be there. 291 00:14:39,769 --> 00:14:42,203 My secretary told Mr. Steinbrenner I'm a Communist. 292 00:14:42,369 --> 00:14:43,563 Now he wants to see me. 293 00:14:43,729 --> 00:14:46,084 You'll just explain to him that you're not a Communist. 294 00:14:46,249 --> 00:14:48,479 You just called the woman for a date. 295 00:14:50,729 --> 00:14:52,162 Hello. 296 00:14:52,849 --> 00:14:56,205 Oh, hi, Duncan. No. Four o'clock tomorrow... 297 00:14:56,369 --> 00:14:57,961 ...that is not going to work. 298 00:14:58,129 --> 00:15:00,802 Why? I'll tell you why. 299 00:15:00,969 --> 00:15:03,722 Because I choose not to run. 300 00:15:04,889 --> 00:15:06,845 I'm sorry, Elaine. This shirt's too fancy. 301 00:15:07,009 --> 00:15:10,445 Just because you're a Communist, you can't wear anything nice? 302 00:15:10,609 --> 00:15:13,169 - You look like Trotsky. - Good. 303 00:15:14,169 --> 00:15:16,842 Fine. You wanna be a Communist? Be a Communist. 304 00:15:17,009 --> 00:15:19,239 Can't you at least look like a successful Communist? 305 00:15:19,409 --> 00:15:21,479 All right. I'll try it on. 306 00:15:21,649 --> 00:15:24,846 - I'm gonna order Chinese food. - You're ordering from Hop Sing's? 307 00:15:25,569 --> 00:15:28,322 Does it have to be Hop Sing's? I kind of had a fight with them. 308 00:15:28,809 --> 00:15:31,448 Elaine, when my father was blacklisted... 309 00:15:31,609 --> 00:15:33,167 ...he couldn't work for years. 310 00:15:33,329 --> 00:15:35,843 He and his friends used to sit in Hop Sing's every day... 311 00:15:36,009 --> 00:15:37,601 ...figuring out how to survive. 312 00:15:37,969 --> 00:15:40,927 - Your father was blacklisted? - Yes, he was. And you know why? 313 00:15:41,169 --> 00:15:43,399 Because he was betrayed by people he trusted. 314 00:15:43,569 --> 00:15:47,084 - They named names. - Okay. Okay. 315 00:15:52,409 --> 00:15:54,445 Yeah, hi. I'd like a delivery, please... 316 00:15:54,609 --> 00:15:59,000 ...to 16 West 75th Street. Apartment 2G. 317 00:15:59,209 --> 00:16:00,688 I know that address. 318 00:16:00,849 --> 00:16:02,521 You're Benes, right? 319 00:16:02,689 --> 00:16:03,917 You're on our list. 320 00:16:04,089 --> 00:16:05,807 No more deliveries! 321 00:16:06,809 --> 00:16:09,448 No, no. She doesn't live here anymore. 322 00:16:09,609 --> 00:16:11,008 This is someone else. 323 00:16:11,169 --> 00:16:12,841 Oh, yeah? What's the name? 324 00:16:13,249 --> 00:16:15,683 Why do you need a name? You already have the address. 325 00:16:15,849 --> 00:16:17,965 We need a name. 326 00:16:18,129 --> 00:16:19,448 Give us a name. 327 00:16:20,609 --> 00:16:22,167 Okay, okay. 328 00:16:22,329 --> 00:16:24,718 Ned Isaacoff. 329 00:16:27,329 --> 00:16:29,240 I want a racing car set. 330 00:16:29,809 --> 00:16:32,448 A racing car set? 331 00:16:32,609 --> 00:16:33,962 Listen. You don't want that. 332 00:16:34,129 --> 00:16:37,644 Those are assembled in Taiwan by kids like you. 333 00:16:38,449 --> 00:16:41,088 And these Coleman pigs, they sell it for triple the cost. 334 00:16:41,329 --> 00:16:43,763 - But I want a racing car set. - No. Don't you see, kid? 335 00:16:43,929 --> 00:16:45,567 You're being bamboozled. 336 00:16:45,769 --> 00:16:47,839 These capitalist fat cats... 337 00:16:48,009 --> 00:16:51,718 ...are inflating the profit margin and reducing your total number of toys. 338 00:16:51,889 --> 00:16:54,801 - Hey, this guy is a commie! - Hey, kid, quiet. 339 00:16:56,289 --> 00:16:59,486 Where did a nice little boy like you learn such a bad word like that? 340 00:16:59,809 --> 00:17:02,403 Commie, commie, traitor to our country. 341 00:17:04,049 --> 00:17:06,802 Santa is not a commie. 342 00:17:06,969 --> 00:17:09,688 He just forgot how his good friend stuck his neck out for him... 343 00:17:09,849 --> 00:17:13,000 ...to get him a good job like this, didn't he, Santa? 344 00:17:13,169 --> 00:17:15,603 Is there a problem here? 345 00:17:15,769 --> 00:17:18,761 This guy's a commie, and he's spreading propaganda. 346 00:17:18,929 --> 00:17:20,157 Oh, yeah? 347 00:17:20,329 --> 00:17:23,321 Well, that's enough, pinko. You're through. The both of you. 348 00:17:23,489 --> 00:17:26,526 - I got two kids in college. - Oh, you can't fire me. I'm Santa. 349 00:17:26,689 --> 00:17:29,442 Not anymore. Get your skinny ass out of here! 350 00:17:31,729 --> 00:17:33,799 Hi, how are you? 351 00:17:34,329 --> 00:17:35,842 Fine. 352 00:17:36,049 --> 00:17:37,767 What's the matter? 353 00:17:37,969 --> 00:17:39,641 I just spoke to Duncan. 354 00:17:39,809 --> 00:17:42,846 He said if you don't race, he's going to fire me. 355 00:17:43,329 --> 00:17:44,842 What? He can't do that. 356 00:17:45,289 --> 00:17:46,847 Yes, he can. 357 00:17:47,009 --> 00:17:50,160 He controls the means of production. 358 00:17:50,489 --> 00:17:52,445 What are you gonna do, Jerry? 359 00:17:52,809 --> 00:17:54,401 Don't worry, Lois. 360 00:17:54,569 --> 00:17:56,207 I'll think of something. 361 00:18:00,569 --> 00:18:04,164 I knew it was you. You tried to trick Hop Sing. 362 00:18:04,329 --> 00:18:06,524 You're on our list. Elaine Benes. 363 00:18:06,969 --> 00:18:11,804 And now you're on our list. Ned Isaacoff. 364 00:18:12,369 --> 00:18:14,963 You got me blacklisted at Hop Sing's? 365 00:18:15,889 --> 00:18:18,403 She named name. 366 00:18:25,929 --> 00:18:27,965 You wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner? 367 00:18:28,129 --> 00:18:30,085 Yes, George, I did. Come in, come in. 368 00:18:30,249 --> 00:18:33,958 George, the word around the office is that you're a Communist. 369 00:18:35,169 --> 00:18:36,682 A Communist? 370 00:18:37,329 --> 00:18:40,162 I am a Yankee, sir, first and foremost. 371 00:18:40,329 --> 00:18:44,004 A Communist pipeline into the vast reservoir of Cuban baseball talent... 372 00:18:44,169 --> 00:18:47,002 ...could be the greatest thing ever to happen to this organization. 373 00:18:47,169 --> 00:18:48,648 - Sir? - You could be invaluable... 374 00:18:48,809 --> 00:18:52,404 ...to this franchise. There's a southpaw nobody's been able to get a look at. 375 00:18:52,569 --> 00:18:54,719 Something-Rodriguez. I don't really know his name. 376 00:18:54,889 --> 00:18:56,368 Get yourself to Havana right away. 377 00:18:56,689 --> 00:18:58,725 Yes, sir. Yes, sir. 378 00:18:58,889 --> 00:19:01,084 - Do my best. - Good. Merry Christmas, George. 379 00:19:01,249 --> 00:19:03,240 Bring me back some cigars in the cedar boxes. 380 00:19:03,409 --> 00:19:05,445 The ones with the fancy rings. Love those rings. 381 00:19:05,609 --> 00:19:07,008 They distract you while you're smoking. 382 00:19:07,169 --> 00:19:09,842 The red and yellow are nice. Looks good against the brown of the cigar. 383 00:19:10,009 --> 00:19:13,001 I like the maduro wrapper. The darker, the better. That's what I say. 384 00:19:13,169 --> 00:19:15,239 The claro's good too. That's more of a pale brown. 385 00:19:15,409 --> 00:19:16,728 Almost like a milky coffee. 386 00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:18,527 I find the ring size very confusing. 387 00:19:18,689 --> 00:19:20,998 They have it in centimetres, which I don't understand. 388 00:19:21,809 --> 00:19:24,482 - That was great. Nice job, Santa. - Yeah. 389 00:19:24,649 --> 00:19:26,560 I knew that stuff was gonna get us in trouble. 390 00:19:26,729 --> 00:19:29,163 Well, I didn't realize it was such a sensitive issue. 391 00:19:29,329 --> 00:19:32,480 Communism. You didn't realize Communism was a sensitive issue? 392 00:19:32,649 --> 00:19:35,561 What do you think's been going on in the world for the past 50 years? 393 00:19:35,729 --> 00:19:38,687 - Wake up and smell the coffee. - I guess I screwed up! 394 00:19:38,849 --> 00:19:41,682 Oh, you sure did. Big time. 395 00:19:51,129 --> 00:19:52,482 How do you feel? 396 00:19:52,649 --> 00:19:54,446 I need a miracle. 397 00:19:55,889 --> 00:19:58,722 Now you're gonna see what kind of a liar you're mixed up with. 398 00:19:58,889 --> 00:20:01,005 Well, if he beats you, I want a big raise. 399 00:20:01,169 --> 00:20:04,002 If he beats me, I'll not only give you a raise... 400 00:20:04,169 --> 00:20:06,729 ...I'll send you to Hawaii for two weeks. 401 00:20:06,889 --> 00:20:11,087 I parked in front. As soon as this race is over, we gotta go to the airport. 402 00:20:11,249 --> 00:20:12,682 Yeah. I'll be there. 403 00:20:13,169 --> 00:20:14,318 You ready, boys? 404 00:20:14,529 --> 00:20:17,089 - Yeah, Mr. Bevilaqua. - This is the way it's gonna work. 405 00:20:17,249 --> 00:20:21,447 You take your marks. I say, "Ready, on your mark, get set"... 406 00:20:21,609 --> 00:20:23,167 ...and then fire. You got it? 407 00:20:23,329 --> 00:20:25,285 - Yes, Mr. Bevilaqua. - Yes, Mr. Bevilaqua. 408 00:20:25,449 --> 00:20:28,043 - Come on, Jerry. - Come on, Jerry. 409 00:20:30,529 --> 00:20:32,121 Ready. 410 00:20:32,769 --> 00:20:34,680 On your mark. 411 00:20:45,929 --> 00:20:47,567 Jerry. 412 00:21:40,089 --> 00:21:42,239 So will you come to Hawaii with me, Jerry? 413 00:21:42,409 --> 00:21:43,683 Maybe I will, Lois. 414 00:21:43,849 --> 00:21:46,124 Maybe I will. 415 00:21:59,369 --> 00:22:01,121 You wanted to see me, el presidente? 416 00:22:02,609 --> 00:22:07,125 Come here. I understand you are very interested in one of our players. 417 00:22:09,689 --> 00:22:12,886 Ordinarily, I would not grant such a request. 418 00:22:13,049 --> 00:22:17,167 But I have heard you are, how you say, comunista simpático. 419 00:22:19,889 --> 00:22:23,086 Well, good. Then you can have your pick. 420 00:22:23,249 --> 00:22:25,160 They will play for your Yankees. 421 00:22:29,169 --> 00:22:31,239 And I would be honoured if you would be my guest... 422 00:22:31,409 --> 00:22:33,718 ...for dinner tonight at the Presidential Palace. 423 00:22:33,889 --> 00:22:36,608 There will be girls there. And I hear some pretty good food. 424 00:22:36,769 --> 00:22:38,521 Of course, the problem with parties is... 425 00:22:38,689 --> 00:22:41,522 ...you invariably have to eat standing up, which I don't care for. 426 00:22:41,689 --> 00:22:44,761 But on the other hand, I don't like to balance a plate on my lap either. 427 00:22:44,929 --> 00:22:47,841 Once when I was at a party, I put my plate on someone's piano. 428 00:22:48,009 --> 00:22:49,727 If I had not been a dictator... 429 00:22:49,889 --> 00:22:52,528 ...I would not have been able to get away with that one. 430 00:22:55,409 --> 00:22:56,398 Subtitles by SDl Media Group