1 00:00:02,209 --> 00:00:05,121 Tennis is the only sport where the uniform is what you'd wear... 2 00:00:06,449 --> 00:00:08,167 ...under your clothes in other sports. 3 00:00:08,329 --> 00:00:10,320 You're actually out there in your underwear. 4 00:00:10,489 --> 00:00:13,003 Unless in the old days, they'd wear those long pants... 5 00:00:13,169 --> 00:00:16,366 ...and the heavy sweaters. How long did it take them to get over that? 6 00:00:16,529 --> 00:00:18,759 We're out in the hot sun, running after a ball. 7 00:00:18,929 --> 00:00:21,318 What exactly are we all dressed up for? 8 00:00:22,129 --> 00:00:24,484 That's why they started scoring like that. Point? 9 00:00:24,649 --> 00:00:28,437 You know what? Make it 15. I'm dying in this sweater here. 10 00:00:28,609 --> 00:00:30,918 Another one got by me? Take another 10 points. 11 00:00:31,089 --> 00:00:32,841 Let's just get this over with. 12 00:00:37,889 --> 00:00:40,039 - Come on, let's go. - Wait. I gotta go in here. 13 00:00:40,209 --> 00:00:42,723 - I gotta get Mr. Pitt's racket. - What's it doing here? 14 00:00:42,889 --> 00:00:45,483 He wanted to have it re-strung. I need to pick that up. 15 00:00:45,649 --> 00:00:48,561 - Hello. - Oh, hi. 16 00:00:48,729 --> 00:00:50,765 - Jocelyn Landis from Doubleday. - Yes. 17 00:00:50,929 --> 00:00:53,648 I interviewed you for a position a couple of months ago. 18 00:00:53,809 --> 00:00:56,039 Yes. The one I didn't get. 19 00:00:56,409 --> 00:00:57,967 I was watching you play. 20 00:00:58,129 --> 00:00:59,357 Oh, I'm not very good. 21 00:00:59,529 --> 00:01:03,204 No, you exhibited a lot of grace out there. 22 00:01:03,369 --> 00:01:07,362 - Really? Grace? - Yes. So have you found anything yet? 23 00:01:08,209 --> 00:01:12,122 - No. Not really. - You know, you should keep in touch. 24 00:01:12,289 --> 00:01:14,757 Something may be opening up in a few weeks. 25 00:01:15,649 --> 00:01:17,526 Is that a Bruline? 26 00:01:17,689 --> 00:01:20,283 Oh, Bruline. Newman's got the same one. 27 00:01:20,449 --> 00:01:23,247 - Newman plays tennis? - He's fantastic. 28 00:01:23,409 --> 00:01:25,400 Would you mind if I tried this out? 29 00:01:27,169 --> 00:01:28,841 No. Take it. 30 00:01:29,009 --> 00:01:30,681 How will you get it back? 31 00:01:31,369 --> 00:01:33,803 I could come by your office and pick it up tomorrow. 32 00:01:33,969 --> 00:01:36,278 That's so generous of you. Thanks. 33 00:01:38,689 --> 00:01:40,725 - You loaned her Pitt's racket? - What could I do? 34 00:01:40,889 --> 00:01:43,278 She said there may be something for me at Doubleday. 35 00:01:43,449 --> 00:01:46,521 Wouldn't that be great? I wouldn't have to work for Pitt anymore. 36 00:01:47,089 --> 00:01:48,841 - I gotta get going. - Oh, okay. 37 00:01:49,009 --> 00:01:51,807 Next time let's play Ping-Pong. It's easier to jump the net. 38 00:01:51,969 --> 00:01:53,561 Yeah. 39 00:01:53,729 --> 00:01:54,923 - Bye. - Bye-bye. 40 00:01:57,529 --> 00:01:59,997 Have you noticed that she never laughs? 41 00:02:01,009 --> 00:02:03,967 - Really? - Yeah. Think about it. 42 00:02:06,049 --> 00:02:10,088 You're not gonna believe this. There she is. Check that out. 43 00:02:12,489 --> 00:02:15,128 - You're dating this woman? - That's right. 44 00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:18,044 George, you're becoming one of the glitterati. 45 00:02:18,529 --> 00:02:21,919 - What's that? - You know, people who glitter. 46 00:02:22,289 --> 00:02:24,280 - She's a slim gal. - Yeah. 47 00:02:24,449 --> 00:02:26,917 The amazing thing is she eats like there's no tomorrow. 48 00:02:27,089 --> 00:02:29,649 I've never seen such an appetite. Desserts, everything. 49 00:02:29,809 --> 00:02:32,926 - I don't know how she does it. - Maybe she's bulimic. 50 00:02:33,089 --> 00:02:35,205 - What? - Bulimic, you know? 51 00:02:36,689 --> 00:02:38,680 - Kramer, she's a model. - Exactly. 52 00:02:39,209 --> 00:02:42,281 Well, I have noticed she does tend to go to the bathroom... 53 00:02:42,449 --> 00:02:44,280 - ... right after we finish eating. - Yeah. 54 00:02:44,449 --> 00:02:47,566 There you go, monkey boy. Come on. 55 00:02:53,809 --> 00:02:55,720 That's so good. 56 00:02:55,889 --> 00:02:58,039 How's that? 57 00:02:59,409 --> 00:03:00,762 Aren't you hungry? 58 00:03:01,729 --> 00:03:03,765 Just enjoying watching you. 59 00:03:07,449 --> 00:03:10,202 - So did you like the movie? - Yeah, it was okay. 60 00:03:10,369 --> 00:03:13,486 Frankenstein didn't seem right to me. I missed the sport jacket. 61 00:03:15,049 --> 00:03:18,246 Not that it was that nice of a jacket. It didn't fit him that well. 62 00:03:18,409 --> 00:03:21,481 To me there's just something about a monster in a blazer. 63 00:03:21,649 --> 00:03:23,879 It shows at least he's making an effort. 64 00:03:24,529 --> 00:03:26,087 That's funny. 65 00:03:28,529 --> 00:03:30,201 I'm glad you enjoyed it. 66 00:03:33,289 --> 00:03:34,927 I'm so full. 67 00:03:35,089 --> 00:03:37,967 Yes. Full. Love to be full. 68 00:03:38,129 --> 00:03:42,486 Love to just sit back, loosen the old belt and digest away for hours. 69 00:03:42,649 --> 00:03:44,526 Let those enzymes do their work. 70 00:03:44,689 --> 00:03:46,998 - Will you excuse me? - Where are you going? 71 00:03:47,169 --> 00:03:49,763 - I just need to freshen up. - You're fresh. 72 00:03:51,369 --> 00:03:53,963 You're very fresh. You seem very fresh to me. 73 00:03:54,129 --> 00:03:56,927 You're very vital. I couldn't take you any fresher. 74 00:03:57,089 --> 00:03:58,442 George, I need to freshen. 75 00:03:58,609 --> 00:04:01,203 George? George? George! 76 00:04:02,689 --> 00:04:04,281 It was unbelievable. You were right. 77 00:04:04,449 --> 00:04:07,043 The jokes kept bouncing off her like Superman. 78 00:04:07,449 --> 00:04:10,122 - What did I tell you? - Even when she did like something... 79 00:04:10,289 --> 00:04:13,804 ...she doesn't laugh. She says, "That's funny." 80 00:04:14,089 --> 00:04:15,920 "That's funny." 81 00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:17,727 I gotta call that woman at Doubleday. 82 00:04:17,889 --> 00:04:20,449 See when I can pick up Mr. Pitt's racket. 83 00:04:20,609 --> 00:04:22,918 How could I be with someone that doesn't laugh? 84 00:04:23,089 --> 00:04:26,764 It's like... Well, it's like something. 85 00:04:27,369 --> 00:04:31,885 Hello. Yeah, hi. Is Miss Landis there, please? 86 00:04:32,529 --> 00:04:33,962 What? 87 00:04:35,569 --> 00:04:38,288 Gosh. Okay. She'll be in later? 88 00:04:38,769 --> 00:04:40,600 Okay. Thank you. 89 00:04:41,769 --> 00:04:44,761 This guy said she hurt her arm playing tennis. 90 00:04:46,529 --> 00:04:48,679 It's pretty bad. 91 00:04:49,569 --> 00:04:52,129 Well, I heard a noise. 92 00:04:53,329 --> 00:04:56,162 - What noise? - You know: 93 00:04:59,809 --> 00:05:01,003 What-? 94 00:05:01,489 --> 00:05:03,445 From the bathroom. 95 00:05:03,609 --> 00:05:08,000 - You think she was refunding? - Every time we go out to eat... 96 00:05:08,169 --> 00:05:10,603 ...the minute we're done, she's off to the bathroom. 97 00:05:10,769 --> 00:05:15,001 - So you're concerned? - Elaine, of course I'm concerned. 98 00:05:15,169 --> 00:05:17,319 I'm paying for those meals. 99 00:05:18,449 --> 00:05:21,168 It's like throwing money down the toilet. 100 00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:23,368 - In a manner of speaking. - Right. 101 00:05:23,529 --> 00:05:27,238 Let me digest it. Let me get my money's worth. What would be good... 102 00:05:27,409 --> 00:05:30,560 ...is if there was someone else in the bathroom that could tell me. 103 00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:33,803 - Hey, here's your scrubber back, pal. - Oh, thanks. 104 00:05:33,969 --> 00:05:36,039 Hey, maybe I could bribe one of those women... 105 00:05:36,209 --> 00:05:38,325 ...that hand out the towels in the powder room. 106 00:05:38,489 --> 00:05:40,878 - A matron? - Yeah. 107 00:05:41,849 --> 00:05:43,407 Well, I can't help you there. 108 00:05:45,169 --> 00:05:47,000 - What? - Nothing. 109 00:05:47,169 --> 00:05:48,397 - You know a matron? - Me? 110 00:05:48,569 --> 00:05:50,002 - You. - No. 111 00:05:50,169 --> 00:05:52,125 - Kramer. - Look. Just leave me alone. 112 00:05:52,289 --> 00:05:54,166 - Well, what is it? - Don't make me! 113 00:05:54,329 --> 00:05:56,206 - What? - No, I can't, all right? I can't. 114 00:05:56,369 --> 00:05:59,884 - Who? - My mother's a matron! 115 00:06:00,809 --> 00:06:02,561 - Babs? - Yeah. All right? I said it. 116 00:06:02,729 --> 00:06:04,845 You satisfied? Anything else you wanna know? 117 00:06:05,009 --> 00:06:08,126 Kramer, Kramer, I need to know if Nina is refunding. 118 00:06:08,289 --> 00:06:10,883 - Look, George, I can't help you. - Well, why not? Why not? 119 00:06:11,049 --> 00:06:14,200 Let go. Because I haven't talked to my mother in five years. 120 00:06:14,369 --> 00:06:17,998 We just don't see eye to eye. I don't even wanna get into my childhood. 121 00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:21,764 I'm still carrying a lot of pain. A lot of pain. 122 00:06:21,929 --> 00:06:24,363 - Come on, you could really help me. - I can't. 123 00:06:24,529 --> 00:06:26,599 Kramer, you're gonna have to face her sometime. 124 00:06:31,089 --> 00:06:32,442 Hello? 125 00:06:36,089 --> 00:06:38,842 Oh, my goodness. What happened? 126 00:06:39,129 --> 00:06:41,324 I tore my humeral epicondylitis. 127 00:06:42,689 --> 00:06:47,001 The doctor said it may never fully heal. I may never play again. 128 00:06:48,569 --> 00:06:50,764 - You'll be playing- - If I can't play tennis... 129 00:06:50,929 --> 00:06:52,681 ...I don't know what I'll do. 130 00:06:55,009 --> 00:06:58,081 There are plenty of things you can do. There's chess... 131 00:06:58,249 --> 00:07:01,241 ...and mahjong. 132 00:07:01,409 --> 00:07:04,481 You don't know how lucky you are to be healthy. 133 00:07:04,649 --> 00:07:07,288 - And biking and- - What am I going to do? 134 00:07:12,889 --> 00:07:14,447 Could I...? 135 00:07:14,609 --> 00:07:19,239 If I can't play tennis, I have no reason to live. 136 00:07:25,009 --> 00:07:28,763 You know, it's not important. I'm gonna- Okay. 137 00:07:28,929 --> 00:07:33,127 Well, you know, take care of that condylitis. 138 00:07:42,409 --> 00:07:44,047 Ma? 139 00:07:45,129 --> 00:07:46,642 Cosmo. 140 00:07:51,289 --> 00:07:53,166 Cosmo? 141 00:07:54,729 --> 00:07:57,926 - Why didn't you just ask her for it? - I told you, I couldn't. 142 00:07:58,169 --> 00:08:01,923 The woman was crying about how she might never play tennis again. 143 00:08:03,929 --> 00:08:05,282 - Yeah. - Hidee-ho. 144 00:08:05,449 --> 00:08:07,007 Come on up. 145 00:08:07,169 --> 00:08:09,888 Well, when do you have to get the racket back to Mr. Pitt? 146 00:08:10,049 --> 00:08:14,042 He's got a big match tomorrow with Ethel Kennedy. 147 00:08:15,569 --> 00:08:19,721 He needs a $300 Bruline to beat Ethel Kennedy? 148 00:08:21,449 --> 00:08:23,121 He'll only play with his racket. 149 00:08:23,289 --> 00:08:26,008 Why don't you wait till she's not there on her lunch hour... 150 00:08:26,169 --> 00:08:28,922 - ... and just take it? - That's stealing. 151 00:08:29,089 --> 00:08:31,398 Stealing? You loaned her the racket. 152 00:08:31,969 --> 00:08:33,482 I know. 153 00:08:34,489 --> 00:08:37,447 Hey. So, what happened with Kramer's mother? 154 00:08:37,609 --> 00:08:40,407 It's all worked out. Nina and I are having dinner Thursday... 155 00:08:40,569 --> 00:08:42,685 ...at the restaurant where Babs works. 156 00:08:42,849 --> 00:08:46,046 - What's she like? - Oh, she's a Kramer. 157 00:08:47,129 --> 00:08:50,917 And while I was there, I happened to pick up... 158 00:08:51,089 --> 00:08:54,286 ...another juicy little nugget about our friend. 159 00:08:54,449 --> 00:08:56,360 - I'm ready. What? - Come on. What is it? 160 00:08:56,689 --> 00:09:00,443 - I got the first name. - What? 161 00:09:00,609 --> 00:09:03,203 You found out Kramer's first name? 162 00:09:03,369 --> 00:09:06,088 - That's right. You ready? - Yes, we're ready. 163 00:09:06,249 --> 00:09:10,242 I've been trying to get it out of him for 10 years. What is it? 164 00:09:11,689 --> 00:09:13,168 Cosmo. 165 00:09:14,649 --> 00:09:15,968 - Cosmo? - Cosmo? 166 00:09:16,929 --> 00:09:20,080 - Cosmo. - Cosmo? 167 00:09:25,689 --> 00:09:27,486 Cosmo! 168 00:09:34,929 --> 00:09:36,681 What's so funny? 169 00:09:36,849 --> 00:09:38,680 What? 170 00:09:39,249 --> 00:09:41,205 Cosmo? 171 00:09:42,889 --> 00:09:45,164 All right, all right. Okay. 172 00:09:45,329 --> 00:09:49,083 So you know the name now. The cat is out of the bag. 173 00:09:50,809 --> 00:09:52,003 I gotta hand it to you. 174 00:09:52,169 --> 00:09:54,967 You did a hell of a job keeping it a secret all these years. 175 00:09:55,129 --> 00:09:56,608 It's not such a bad name. 176 00:09:56,769 --> 00:09:59,329 All my life I've been running away from that name. 177 00:09:59,489 --> 00:10:02,287 That's why I wouldn't tell anybody. But I been thinking. 178 00:10:02,449 --> 00:10:05,282 All this time I'm trying not to be me. 179 00:10:05,449 --> 00:10:08,998 I'm afraid to face who I was. But I'm Cosmo, Jerry. 180 00:10:09,169 --> 00:10:11,729 I'm Cosmo Kramer, and that's who I'm gonna be. 181 00:10:11,889 --> 00:10:14,642 From now on, I'm Cosmo. 182 00:10:20,689 --> 00:10:22,919 - Yes? - Hi, is Sandi here? 183 00:10:23,089 --> 00:10:26,684 Oh, hi. You must be Jerry. Sandi's in the shower. You wanna come in? 184 00:10:26,849 --> 00:10:28,840 I would except I forgot to bring a towel. 185 00:10:41,529 --> 00:10:43,565 So the roommate laughed at everything I said. 186 00:10:44,369 --> 00:10:47,441 It was a great-sounding laugh too. Kind of lilting and feminine. 187 00:10:47,609 --> 00:10:49,247 None of those big, coarse "ha's." 188 00:10:49,409 --> 00:10:51,001 - You know those? - Oh, yeah. 189 00:10:51,929 --> 00:10:53,726 Hate the big, coarse "ha." I hate those. 190 00:10:53,889 --> 00:10:55,925 The worst part is that she also possessed... 191 00:10:56,089 --> 00:11:00,367 ...many of the other qualities prized by the superficial man. 192 00:11:03,729 --> 00:11:05,287 I see. 193 00:11:05,809 --> 00:11:09,597 So as you can see, I've got a bit of a problem here. 194 00:11:11,089 --> 00:11:14,798 Well, if I hear you correctly, and I think that I do... 195 00:11:16,649 --> 00:11:19,209 ...my advice to you is to finish your meal... 196 00:11:19,369 --> 00:11:23,203 ...pay your check, leave here and never mention this to anyone again. 197 00:11:23,649 --> 00:11:24,843 Can't be done, huh? 198 00:11:25,609 --> 00:11:27,964 - The switch? - The switch. 199 00:11:29,529 --> 00:11:30,928 Can't be done. 200 00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:33,321 I wonder. 201 00:11:34,089 --> 00:11:36,649 Do you realize in the history of Western civilization... 202 00:11:36,809 --> 00:11:39,562 ...no one successfully accomplished the roommate switch. 203 00:11:40,689 --> 00:11:43,726 In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it. 204 00:11:44,529 --> 00:11:47,043 They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages. 205 00:11:48,169 --> 00:11:49,761 - How do you know? - For one thing... 206 00:11:49,929 --> 00:11:51,328 ...they didn't have apartments. 207 00:11:51,889 --> 00:11:55,598 I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200 somewhere... 208 00:11:55,769 --> 00:11:57,805 ...there were two women living together. 209 00:11:57,969 --> 00:11:59,880 The point is, I intend to undertake this. 210 00:12:00,049 --> 00:12:02,927 And I'll do it with or without you. So if you're scared... 211 00:12:03,089 --> 00:12:06,126 ...if you haven't got the stomach for this, let's get it out now. 212 00:12:06,289 --> 00:12:11,409 And I'll go on my own. If not, you can get onboard, and we can get to work. 213 00:12:11,569 --> 00:12:13,366 Now, what's it gonna be? 214 00:12:14,089 --> 00:12:16,045 All right, damn it, I'm in. 215 00:12:17,809 --> 00:12:19,367 I couldn't do it without you. 216 00:12:19,729 --> 00:12:22,289 All right. Let's get to work. 217 00:12:47,129 --> 00:12:48,528 All right. 218 00:12:48,849 --> 00:12:50,885 That's enough for today. 219 00:12:52,129 --> 00:12:54,324 You're tired. Get some sleep. 220 00:12:54,489 --> 00:12:58,323 - I'll see you first thing in the morning. - We can't do it. Who are we kidding? 221 00:12:58,489 --> 00:13:01,128 It's impossible. It's true. You can't do the switch. 222 00:13:01,289 --> 00:13:03,166 Nobody can do the switch. 223 00:13:03,809 --> 00:13:07,085 It was a stupid idea to begin with. Let's face it. 224 00:13:07,249 --> 00:13:09,319 I'm stuck with the non-laugher. That's that. 225 00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:12,765 - We'll come up with something. - Yeah. Sure we will. 226 00:13:13,769 --> 00:13:15,168 See you tomorrow. 227 00:13:24,369 --> 00:13:27,167 I got it! 228 00:13:33,969 --> 00:13:37,166 All right. Let's go over it again one more time. 229 00:13:37,969 --> 00:13:43,089 All right. So I tell Sandi that I wanna have a ménage à trois... 230 00:13:43,249 --> 00:13:46,924 - ... with her and her roommate. - That's right. 231 00:13:47,089 --> 00:13:51,526 And you believe this course of action will have a two-pronged effect. 232 00:13:51,889 --> 00:13:57,043 Firstly, the very mention of the idea will cause Sandi to recoil in disgust. 233 00:13:57,209 --> 00:14:00,758 Whereupon, she wil insist that I remove myself from the premises. 234 00:14:00,929 --> 00:14:03,523 - Keep going. - At this point, it is inevitable... 235 00:14:03,689 --> 00:14:05,441 ...that she'll seek out the roommate... 236 00:14:05,609 --> 00:14:08,999 ...to apprise her of this abhorrent turn of events. 237 00:14:09,169 --> 00:14:12,639 - Continue. - The roommate will then offer... 238 00:14:12,809 --> 00:14:14,879 ...her friend the requisite sympathy... 239 00:14:15,049 --> 00:14:19,008 ...even as part of her cannot help but feel somewhat flattered... 240 00:14:19,169 --> 00:14:22,764 ...by her inclusion in the unusual request. 241 00:14:23,729 --> 00:14:25,560 A few days go by... 242 00:14:25,729 --> 00:14:31,247 ...and a call is placed at a time when Sandi is known to be busy at work. 243 00:14:31,489 --> 00:14:36,119 Once the initial awkwardness is relieved with a little playful humour... 244 00:14:36,289 --> 00:14:39,326 ...which she, of course, cannot resist... 245 00:14:39,849 --> 00:14:44,320 ...an invitation to a friendly dinner is proffered. 246 00:14:46,129 --> 00:14:48,438 Well, it all sounds pretty good. 247 00:14:49,329 --> 00:14:51,285 There's only one flaw in it. 248 00:14:51,449 --> 00:14:54,725 They're roommates. She'd have to go out with me behind Sandi's back. 249 00:14:54,889 --> 00:14:56,925 She's not gonna do that. 250 00:14:58,089 --> 00:15:00,364 You disappoint me, my friend. 251 00:15:02,249 --> 00:15:04,717 Sandi wants nothing to do with you. 252 00:15:04,889 --> 00:15:09,121 She tells Laura, "If you wanna waste your time with that pervert... 253 00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:11,479 ...that's your problem." 254 00:15:13,249 --> 00:15:15,080 It's the perfect plan. 255 00:15:17,009 --> 00:15:20,046 So inspired, so devious, yet so simple. 256 00:15:20,809 --> 00:15:22,606 This is what I do. 257 00:15:36,249 --> 00:15:37,443 Can I help you? 258 00:15:39,129 --> 00:15:41,085 - No. I'm okay. - Then what are you doing... 259 00:15:41,249 --> 00:15:43,809 - ... with that racket? - It's mine. 260 00:15:43,969 --> 00:15:46,642 - Ms. Landis borrowed it. - I'm sorry. You can't take that. 261 00:15:46,809 --> 00:15:48,845 - No, no, no. - No, no. I can. I can. 262 00:15:49,009 --> 00:15:52,046 - It's mine. It's my racket. - Look, I don't know who you are... 263 00:15:52,209 --> 00:15:55,201 - ... I don't know what you're doing- - Okay. I'm going. I'm going. 264 00:15:55,369 --> 00:15:58,088 - Not with that racket. - Give that to me. You give it. 265 00:15:58,249 --> 00:15:59,967 Give it to me. 266 00:16:03,529 --> 00:16:06,805 All right. Forget it. But you don't have to mention any of this... 267 00:16:06,969 --> 00:16:10,279 - ... to Miss Landis, do you? - I don't have to, but I will. 268 00:16:14,129 --> 00:16:15,881 - Hi, Cosmo. - Hi, Mr. Clotworthy. 269 00:16:16,049 --> 00:16:18,119 - How are you today? - Couldn't be better. 270 00:16:18,289 --> 00:16:19,483 - Hi, Lorraine. - Hi, Cosmo. 271 00:16:19,649 --> 00:16:21,128 - My mom, Babs. - Hi, Mrs. Kramer. 272 00:16:21,289 --> 00:16:23,883 - Lorraine. - Yes, it's a fine day. 273 00:16:24,049 --> 00:16:27,086 - What do you say, Cosmo? - Hey, everything, my man. 274 00:16:28,529 --> 00:16:31,726 - What? - I don't know the exact pronunciation... 275 00:16:31,889 --> 00:16:36,519 ...but I believe it's "ménage à trois." 276 00:16:38,089 --> 00:16:40,603 That is a wild idea. 277 00:16:45,649 --> 00:16:49,437 You know, Ma, I been thinking. I want you to quit that matron job. 278 00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:51,725 Yes, well, isn't that just easy for you to say. 279 00:16:51,889 --> 00:16:53,527 What do you think I'm gonna do? 280 00:16:53,689 --> 00:16:56,487 Maybe we could go into business together, if you're clean. 281 00:16:56,929 --> 00:16:59,887 I told you I've been clean for two years. 282 00:17:00,529 --> 00:17:03,566 - Anyway, what would we do together. - I got plenty of ideas. 283 00:17:03,729 --> 00:17:06,289 I always believed in you, Cosmo. You know that. 284 00:17:06,849 --> 00:17:10,444 So I want you to call that place today and tell them that you're through. 285 00:17:11,769 --> 00:17:13,282 - All right, I'll do it. - Yeah. 286 00:17:17,489 --> 00:17:20,287 - So good. - So glad. 287 00:17:20,689 --> 00:17:22,281 Excuse me, I've gotta freshen up. 288 00:17:22,449 --> 00:17:26,078 And why shouldn't you? Be fresh. Stay fresh. 289 00:17:26,249 --> 00:17:29,525 I'll be back. I'm really not feeling very well. 290 00:17:30,929 --> 00:17:34,126 - Care to see our dessert menu? - Yeah. Do you know Babs? 291 00:17:34,289 --> 00:17:36,200 Oh, yeah. I was sorry to hear she left. 292 00:17:37,009 --> 00:17:40,240 - Babs left? - Yeah. She quit today. 293 00:18:01,049 --> 00:18:02,528 What are you doing in here? 294 00:18:03,969 --> 00:18:07,962 I was just wondering what it was you wanted for dessert? 295 00:18:15,009 --> 00:18:16,681 How you feeling? 296 00:18:25,329 --> 00:18:27,718 - Hi, Newman. - Hi, Babs. 297 00:18:27,889 --> 00:18:29,447 What are you doing? 298 00:18:30,129 --> 00:18:33,883 - Minding my own business. - You can't get into trouble that way. 299 00:18:35,569 --> 00:18:37,799 What makes you think I'm looking for trouble? 300 00:18:37,969 --> 00:18:41,245 From what I hear, you postmen don't have to look too far. 301 00:18:44,969 --> 00:18:48,678 Well, you know, sometimes it just has a way of finding you. 302 00:18:49,209 --> 00:18:50,927 Cigarette? 303 00:18:51,529 --> 00:18:53,485 Don't mind if I do. 304 00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:01,727 Kramer. Kramer! 305 00:19:02,489 --> 00:19:05,128 - Hey. - What happened to Babs? 306 00:19:05,289 --> 00:19:08,361 She never showed up last night. The whole thing blew up in my face. 307 00:19:08,529 --> 00:19:09,962 That's a shame. 308 00:19:12,209 --> 00:19:16,521 Hey, what happened with Sandi? I forgot all about it. Did you call her? 309 00:19:17,209 --> 00:19:19,120 Yeah, I did. In fact, I went over there. 310 00:19:19,289 --> 00:19:21,325 So, what happened? Did she throw you out? 311 00:19:21,489 --> 00:19:23,844 No, actually, she took it pretty well. 312 00:19:24,929 --> 00:19:28,046 - So, what happened? - She's into it. 313 00:19:31,969 --> 00:19:34,767 - Into what? - The ménage. 314 00:19:34,929 --> 00:19:36,760 And not only that, she just called me. 315 00:19:36,929 --> 00:19:38,681 She said she spoke with the roommate... 316 00:19:38,849 --> 00:19:41,727 ...and the roommate's into the ménage too. 317 00:19:41,969 --> 00:19:43,880 That's unbelievable. 318 00:19:44,049 --> 00:19:46,040 Oh, it's a scene, man. 319 00:19:47,649 --> 00:19:50,607 Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God... 320 00:19:50,769 --> 00:19:54,603 ...that you know me and have access to my dementia? 321 00:19:55,689 --> 00:19:58,328 What are you talking about? I'm not gonna do it. 322 00:19:58,489 --> 00:20:00,844 You're not gonna do it? What do you mean? 323 00:20:01,009 --> 00:20:03,603 I can't. I'm not an orgy guy. 324 00:20:04,249 --> 00:20:06,126 Are you crazy? 325 00:20:06,529 --> 00:20:10,807 This is like discovering plutonium by accident. 326 00:20:12,409 --> 00:20:14,923 Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? 327 00:20:15,089 --> 00:20:18,001 It changes everything. I'd have to dress and act different. 328 00:20:18,169 --> 00:20:21,161 I'd have to grow a moustache and get lots of robes and lotions... 329 00:20:21,329 --> 00:20:24,127 ...and get a new bedspread, new curtains. 330 00:20:24,289 --> 00:20:27,326 I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. 331 00:20:27,609 --> 00:20:30,726 Then I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. 332 00:20:31,289 --> 00:20:33,359 No, I'm not ready for it. 333 00:20:38,089 --> 00:20:40,523 If only something like that could happen to me. 334 00:20:41,009 --> 00:20:42,601 Shut up. You couldn't do it either. 335 00:20:43,729 --> 00:20:45,526 I know. 336 00:20:46,729 --> 00:20:50,608 - Did you get your racket? - No. I got caught. 337 00:20:50,929 --> 00:20:54,239 - What do you mean, you got caught? - Her assistant caught me. 338 00:20:54,409 --> 00:20:56,969 I'm probably not gonna get a job. He'll tell Landis... 339 00:20:57,129 --> 00:20:59,040 ...that I was sneaking around her office. 340 00:20:59,249 --> 00:21:01,558 I don't understand how you can get in trouble... 341 00:21:01,729 --> 00:21:03,526 ...for taking your own racket. 342 00:21:03,809 --> 00:21:09,088 Meanwhile, Mr. Pitt's got this match with Ethel Kennedy this afternoon. 343 00:21:09,649 --> 00:21:10,843 - Hey. - Hey, Cosmo. 344 00:21:11,009 --> 00:21:12,283 - Hi, Cosmo. - Thanks, buddy. 345 00:21:12,449 --> 00:21:14,917 Hey, doesn't Newman have a Bruline racket? 346 00:21:15,329 --> 00:21:18,207 Yeah, yeah. But he's on vacation. Went to Baltimore. 347 00:21:18,729 --> 00:21:20,367 But you got the key to his place? 348 00:21:20,529 --> 00:21:22,804 - Yeah. - Elaine needs to borrow his racket. 349 00:21:22,969 --> 00:21:24,607 - Just for today. - All right. Come on. 350 00:21:24,769 --> 00:21:26,361 I'll take you over to Newman's. 351 00:21:26,529 --> 00:21:28,724 Cosmo! What happened to your mother last night? 352 00:21:28,889 --> 00:21:30,845 - She hung me out to dry. - She quit. 353 00:21:31,009 --> 00:21:33,728 It would have been nice if somebody told me about it. 354 00:21:34,409 --> 00:21:36,798 I just think she could've said something, that's all. 355 00:21:36,969 --> 00:21:39,244 - Don't talk to me. Talk to her. - Where is she? 356 00:21:39,409 --> 00:21:40,683 I don't know. 357 00:21:41,689 --> 00:21:43,088 Ma! 358 00:21:43,809 --> 00:21:47,085 - Cosmo. - I'm sorry. We weren't- We didn't- 359 00:21:47,729 --> 00:21:49,640 Cosmo? 360 00:21:56,409 --> 00:21:58,400 Subtitles by SDl Media Group