1 00:00:29,289 --> 00:00:30,768 Oh, hi. 2 00:00:30,929 --> 00:00:32,999 A hundred episodes. 3 00:00:33,489 --> 00:00:37,164 That's a lot. During the course of which George, Elaine, Kramer and I... 4 00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:41,288 ...have had many experiences, both positive and negative. 5 00:00:41,449 --> 00:00:43,121 Well, mostly negative. 6 00:00:43,289 --> 00:00:45,803 There've been some relationships that haven't worked out... 7 00:00:45,969 --> 00:00:47,687 ...ambitions that were unfulfilled... 8 00:00:47,849 --> 00:00:49,805 ...hopes dashed... 9 00:00:49,969 --> 00:00:52,085 ...some property damage, hurt feelings... 10 00:00:52,249 --> 00:00:54,160 I know one guy got deported. 11 00:00:54,329 --> 00:00:55,967 Physical injury and... 12 00:00:56,169 --> 00:00:58,319 All right, maybe even a death or two. 13 00:00:58,489 --> 00:00:59,888 But we've persevered. 14 00:01:00,049 --> 00:01:01,960 Because we're people. 15 00:01:02,129 --> 00:01:03,881 Real TV people. 16 00:01:04,049 --> 00:01:05,846 And for 30 minutes a week... 17 00:01:06,009 --> 00:01:07,840 ...that's pretty important to us. 18 00:01:08,009 --> 00:01:09,567 So if you're joining us late... 19 00:01:09,729 --> 00:01:12,368 ...here's some highlights from what's happened so far. 20 00:01:12,689 --> 00:01:14,281 Why don't they have salsa on the table? 21 00:01:15,169 --> 00:01:16,648 What do you need salsa for? 22 00:01:16,809 --> 00:01:19,642 Salsa is now the number- one condiment in America. 23 00:01:19,809 --> 00:01:21,162 Do you know why? 24 00:01:21,329 --> 00:01:22,921 Because people like to say "salsa." 25 00:01:25,009 --> 00:01:26,203 Do you have any salsa? 26 00:01:26,369 --> 00:01:29,008 We need more salsa. Where is the salsa? No salsa? 27 00:01:29,729 --> 00:01:32,243 You know, it must be impossible for a Spanish person... 28 00:01:32,409 --> 00:01:34,365 ...to order seltzer and not get salsa. 29 00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:38,197 I wanted seltzer, not salsa. 30 00:01:38,449 --> 00:01:40,360 Don't you know the difference between them? 31 00:01:40,529 --> 00:01:42,838 You have the seltzer after the salsa. 32 00:01:43,689 --> 00:01:46,328 This should be the show. This is the show. 33 00:01:46,809 --> 00:01:48,367 - What? - This. 34 00:01:48,529 --> 00:01:50,281 Just talking. 35 00:01:50,449 --> 00:01:52,280 Yeah. Right. 36 00:01:54,289 --> 00:01:56,928 No, I'm really serious. I think that's a good idea. 37 00:01:57,209 --> 00:01:59,404 Just talking? Well, what's the show about? 38 00:01:59,849 --> 00:02:00,838 It's about nothing. 39 00:02:01,009 --> 00:02:02,601 What's that red dot on your sweater? 40 00:02:05,289 --> 00:02:07,678 Hey, didn't we come in over there? 41 00:02:08,489 --> 00:02:11,083 I thought we came in over there. 42 00:02:12,369 --> 00:02:14,360 I'm out. 43 00:02:20,609 --> 00:02:22,122 - What? - Yeah, I'm out. 44 00:02:22,289 --> 00:02:24,200 I'm out of the contest. 45 00:02:25,649 --> 00:02:27,879 - No story? - No, forget the story. 46 00:02:28,049 --> 00:02:30,722 - You gotta have a story. - Who says you gotta have a story? 47 00:02:43,409 --> 00:02:45,081 Four. Seinfeld. 48 00:02:45,249 --> 00:02:46,443 Four. 49 00:02:46,609 --> 00:02:48,440 That'll be five, 10 minutes. 50 00:02:48,609 --> 00:02:49,837 What, do you smell something? 51 00:02:50,009 --> 00:02:52,523 Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? 52 00:02:52,689 --> 00:02:53,963 What is it? 53 00:02:54,129 --> 00:02:56,040 I think its BO. 54 00:02:56,209 --> 00:02:58,677 And who's on the show? Who are the characters? 55 00:02:58,889 --> 00:03:00,288 I could be a character. 56 00:03:00,609 --> 00:03:02,759 - You? - Yeah. You base a character on me. 57 00:03:03,009 --> 00:03:05,842 It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman... 58 00:03:06,009 --> 00:03:09,763 ...have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. 59 00:03:13,849 --> 00:03:15,999 - Who said that? - She did. 60 00:03:17,489 --> 00:03:19,081 Was that wrong? 61 00:03:19,849 --> 00:03:21,965 Should I not have done that? 62 00:03:22,129 --> 00:03:23,881 I got to plead ignorance on this thing... 63 00:03:24,049 --> 00:03:26,119 ...because if anyone had said anything to me... 64 00:03:26,289 --> 00:03:30,077 ...when I first started here that that sort of thing was frowned upon... 65 00:03:31,649 --> 00:03:33,207 And who else is on the show? 66 00:03:33,489 --> 00:03:34,763 Elaine could be a character. 67 00:03:36,289 --> 00:03:38,245 I wonder what happened to my fiancé. 68 00:03:38,689 --> 00:03:40,042 I know he's here somewhere. 69 00:03:40,209 --> 00:03:44,521 I have lost my fiancé, the poor baby. 70 00:03:46,969 --> 00:03:49,005 Maybe the dingo ate your baby. 71 00:03:50,449 --> 00:03:51,928 What? 72 00:03:52,129 --> 00:03:55,041 The dingo ate your baby. 73 00:03:55,889 --> 00:03:58,926 - Kramer. - Now, he's a character. 74 00:03:59,089 --> 00:04:01,239 The bus is out of control. 75 00:04:02,729 --> 00:04:05,084 So I grab him by the collar, take him out of the seat... 76 00:04:05,249 --> 00:04:07,843 ...get behind the wheel. Now I'm driving the bus. 77 00:04:09,649 --> 00:04:12,163 - You're Batman. - Yeah. I am Batman. 78 00:04:12,329 --> 00:04:15,162 Then the mugger, he comes to, and he starts choking me. 79 00:04:15,329 --> 00:04:17,081 So I'm fighting him off with one hand... 80 00:04:17,249 --> 00:04:19,922 ...and I kept driving the bus with the other, you know? 81 00:04:20,089 --> 00:04:22,842 Then I managed to open the door and kicked him out the door... 82 00:04:23,009 --> 00:04:25,398 ...with my foot, you know, at the next stop. 83 00:04:25,569 --> 00:04:27,685 You kept making all the stops? 84 00:04:28,249 --> 00:04:30,080 Well, people kept ringing the bell! 85 00:04:32,129 --> 00:04:33,482 So everybody I know... 86 00:04:33,649 --> 00:04:35,560 ...is a character on the show. - Right. 87 00:04:35,729 --> 00:04:38,607 My wallet's gone! My wallet's gone! 88 00:04:38,769 --> 00:04:40,725 - Jerry. - Uncle Leo. 89 00:04:40,889 --> 00:04:42,117 Hello. 90 00:04:42,289 --> 00:04:43,438 How could you? 91 00:04:43,609 --> 00:04:45,486 - How could I what? - You were making out... 92 00:04:45,649 --> 00:04:47,719 ...during Schindler's List? 93 00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:50,240 How long does it take to find a bra? 94 00:04:50,609 --> 00:04:52,167 What's going on in there? 95 00:04:52,329 --> 00:04:55,560 You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds. 96 00:04:56,809 --> 00:04:59,323 You know about the cup sizes and all? 97 00:05:01,449 --> 00:05:05,488 - They have different cups. - Yeah, I know about the cups. 98 00:05:06,129 --> 00:05:08,279 You got the A... 99 00:05:08,529 --> 00:05:09,723 ...the B... 100 00:05:09,889 --> 00:05:11,720 ...the C... 101 00:05:11,889 --> 00:05:14,278 ...the D. That's the biggest. 102 00:05:14,449 --> 00:05:16,041 I go out for a quart of milk. 103 00:05:16,209 --> 00:05:18,677 I come home and find my son treating his body... 104 00:05:18,849 --> 00:05:21,409 ...like it was an amusement park. 105 00:05:23,049 --> 00:05:25,279 I'm a United States postal worker. 106 00:05:26,449 --> 00:05:28,360 Aren't those the guys that always go crazy... 107 00:05:28,529 --> 00:05:30,759 ...and come back with a gun and shoot everybody? 108 00:05:31,249 --> 00:05:33,001 Sometimes. 109 00:05:33,849 --> 00:05:36,807 - Why is that? - Because the mail never stops. 110 00:05:36,969 --> 00:05:39,642 Every day it piles up more and more and you gotta get it out... 111 00:05:39,809 --> 00:05:41,162 ...but more keeps coming in! 112 00:05:41,329 --> 00:05:44,480 Then the bar code reader breaks, and it's Publishers Clearing House day! 113 00:05:44,649 --> 00:05:46,128 All right, all right, all right. 114 00:05:46,289 --> 00:05:48,439 So you're saying I go into NBC and tell them... 115 00:05:48,609 --> 00:05:50,839 ...I got this idea for a show about nothing. 116 00:05:51,009 --> 00:05:52,488 We go into NBC. 117 00:05:52,689 --> 00:05:54,839 We? Since when are you a writer? 118 00:05:55,049 --> 00:05:57,643 What writer? We're talking about a sitcom. 119 00:06:00,009 --> 00:06:01,442 You wanna go with me to NBC? 120 00:06:01,609 --> 00:06:03,088 Yeah, we really got something here. 121 00:06:03,249 --> 00:06:04,443 - What do we got? - An idea. 122 00:06:04,609 --> 00:06:06,565 - What idea? - An idea for the show. 123 00:06:06,729 --> 00:06:10,244 - I still don't know what the idea is. - It's about nothing. 124 00:06:10,569 --> 00:06:12,321 - Right. - Everybody's doing something. 125 00:06:12,489 --> 00:06:14,207 We'll do nothing. 126 00:06:14,369 --> 00:06:17,088 Come on. Let's go do something. I don't want to just sit around here. 127 00:06:17,289 --> 00:06:19,086 - Wanna get something to eat? - Where? 128 00:06:19,249 --> 00:06:20,807 I don't care. I'm not hungry. 129 00:06:22,489 --> 00:06:24,400 We could go to one of those cappuccino places. 130 00:06:24,569 --> 00:06:26,161 They let you just sit there. 131 00:06:26,369 --> 00:06:28,678 What are we gonna do there, talk? 132 00:06:29,249 --> 00:06:30,443 We can talk. 133 00:06:31,209 --> 00:06:33,165 I'll go if I don't have to talk. 134 00:06:34,809 --> 00:06:36,003 Then we'll just sit there. 135 00:06:36,169 --> 00:06:39,844 Oh, that's the astronaut pen. I heard about that. Where did you get it? 136 00:06:40,369 --> 00:06:43,247 - It was a gift. - Because a lot of times I write in bed... 137 00:06:43,409 --> 00:06:46,446 ...and I have to turn and lean on my elbow to make the pen work. 138 00:06:48,449 --> 00:06:49,882 - Take the pen. - Oh, no. 139 00:06:50,049 --> 00:06:51,118 - Go ahead. - I couldn't. 140 00:06:51,289 --> 00:06:52,517 - Take it. - I can't take it. 141 00:06:52,689 --> 00:06:54,600 - Do me a personal favour. - I'm not comfortable. 142 00:06:54,769 --> 00:06:56,680 - I cannot take it. - Take the pen. 143 00:06:56,849 --> 00:06:59,886 - Are you sure? - I'm positive. Take the pen. 144 00:07:00,449 --> 00:07:04,203 Okay, thank you very much. Thank you. Gee, boy. 145 00:07:04,369 --> 00:07:05,882 - Jack, what are you doing? - Stop it. 146 00:07:06,049 --> 00:07:08,040 Jack, we should go. 147 00:07:10,169 --> 00:07:12,239 It was nice meeting you. 148 00:07:12,409 --> 00:07:13,922 - Nice to meet you. - Thanks again. 149 00:07:14,089 --> 00:07:15,078 Come on! 150 00:07:19,249 --> 00:07:21,046 - This? - Yeah. 151 00:07:22,249 --> 00:07:24,843 - I agreed to wear this? - Yeah, yeah. 152 00:07:26,129 --> 00:07:27,403 Well, when did I do that? 153 00:07:27,569 --> 00:07:29,719 When we went to dinner the other night. 154 00:07:29,889 --> 00:07:31,720 What, are you crazy? 155 00:07:32,209 --> 00:07:34,439 What were you talking about when I went to the bathroom? 156 00:07:34,609 --> 00:07:36,804 I don't know. I couldn't understand a word she said. 157 00:07:36,969 --> 00:07:39,244 - I was just nodding. - There you go. 158 00:07:39,929 --> 00:07:41,123 Where I go? 159 00:07:41,289 --> 00:07:43,849 You mean she was asking me to wear this ridiculous shirt... 160 00:07:44,009 --> 00:07:47,399 ...on national TV, and I said yes? - Yes, yes. You said it. 161 00:07:47,569 --> 00:07:50,208 I didn't know what she was talking about. I couldn't hear her. 162 00:07:50,369 --> 00:07:55,284 - Well, she asked you. - I can't wear this puffy shirt on TV. 163 00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,640 I mean, look at it. It looks ridiculous. 164 00:07:57,969 --> 00:07:59,561 Well, you gotta wear it now. 165 00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:01,799 This pirate trend she's come up with, Jerry... 166 00:08:01,969 --> 00:08:03,766 This is gonna be the new look for the '90s. 167 00:08:03,929 --> 00:08:05,760 You're gonna be the first pirate. 168 00:08:05,929 --> 00:08:08,159 But I don't wanna be a pirate. 169 00:08:08,329 --> 00:08:10,399 I made a reservation. Do you have my reservation? 170 00:08:10,569 --> 00:08:13,322 Yes, we do. Unfortunately, we ran out of cars. 171 00:08:13,649 --> 00:08:16,322 But the reservation keeps the car here. 172 00:08:16,489 --> 00:08:18,559 That's why you have the reservation. 173 00:08:18,769 --> 00:08:22,682 - I know why we have reservations. - I don't think you do. 174 00:08:25,889 --> 00:08:28,562 If you did, I'd have a car. 175 00:08:28,729 --> 00:08:30,606 See, you know how to take the reservation. 176 00:08:30,769 --> 00:08:34,045 You just don't know how to hold the reservation. 177 00:08:34,209 --> 00:08:39,158 And that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. 178 00:08:39,329 --> 00:08:41,479 Anybody can just take them. 179 00:08:48,329 --> 00:08:51,878 I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: 180 00:08:53,329 --> 00:08:55,285 Nothing. 181 00:08:55,889 --> 00:08:57,959 - Nothing? - Nothing. 182 00:08:58,129 --> 00:08:59,118 What does that mean? 183 00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:00,881 What did you do today? 184 00:09:01,049 --> 00:09:03,563 - I got up and came to work. - There's a show. That's a show. 185 00:09:05,169 --> 00:09:06,761 How is that a show? 186 00:09:06,929 --> 00:09:09,318 Well, maybe something happens to you on the way to work. 187 00:09:09,489 --> 00:09:12,526 No. No! No! Nothing happens! 188 00:09:12,689 --> 00:09:14,600 Well, something happens. 189 00:09:14,769 --> 00:09:17,806 - Well, why am I watching it? - Because it's on TV. 190 00:09:18,609 --> 00:09:20,088 Not yet. 191 00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:38,198 I'm telling you, she's good-looking. 192 00:09:39,249 --> 00:09:41,479 - What about the body? - Good body. Nice body. 193 00:09:41,649 --> 00:09:43,685 - How nice? - Nice. Pretty nice. 194 00:09:43,849 --> 00:09:47,558 - Really good? - Really, very nice and good. 195 00:09:52,529 --> 00:09:54,918 - What about personality? - Good personality. 196 00:09:57,169 --> 00:09:59,080 Funny. Bright. 197 00:09:59,249 --> 00:10:01,160 I don't want anyone smarter than me. 198 00:10:01,329 --> 00:10:04,127 How could she be smarter than you? 199 00:10:04,609 --> 00:10:08,318 He's a really, really funny guy. 200 00:10:08,769 --> 00:10:09,963 What does he look like? 201 00:10:10,129 --> 00:10:13,166 - Pardon? - What does he look like? 202 00:10:14,329 --> 00:10:17,401 Well, he's got a lot of character in his face. 203 00:10:17,569 --> 00:10:20,527 He's short. He's stocky. 204 00:10:20,689 --> 00:10:21,883 He's fat. 205 00:10:22,049 --> 00:10:23,801 Is that what you're saying, that he's fat? 206 00:10:24,049 --> 00:10:25,402 Powerful. 207 00:10:25,569 --> 00:10:31,166 He is so powerful. He can lift 100 pounds right up over his head. 208 00:10:31,329 --> 00:10:33,445 And, what else? What else? 209 00:10:33,609 --> 00:10:36,442 Oh, right, well... 210 00:10:36,609 --> 00:10:40,602 He's, he's kind of... Just kind of... Losing his hair. 211 00:10:40,769 --> 00:10:43,158 - He's bald? - No. 212 00:10:43,849 --> 00:10:46,647 No, no, no. He's not bald. 213 00:10:46,809 --> 00:10:48,720 He's balding. 214 00:10:48,889 --> 00:10:51,483 - So he will be bald? - Yeah. 215 00:10:52,209 --> 00:10:54,200 Thick, lustrous hair is important to me. 216 00:11:01,089 --> 00:11:02,920 "Thick, lustrous hair is important to me." 217 00:11:03,089 --> 00:11:04,442 - Is that what you said? - Right. 218 00:11:04,609 --> 00:11:06,088 Just clarifying. 219 00:11:07,209 --> 00:11:09,120 Let me ask you this. 220 00:11:21,009 --> 00:11:22,442 Do you want to get it out? 221 00:11:22,609 --> 00:11:25,077 Or do you want to not be able to get it out? 222 00:11:25,569 --> 00:11:28,527 - I'd like to be able to get it out. - I think you'll get it out. 223 00:11:29,369 --> 00:11:30,722 What about the skin? 224 00:11:30,889 --> 00:11:32,641 I need a good cheek. I like a good cheek. 225 00:11:33,689 --> 00:11:34,917 She's got a fine cheek. 226 00:11:35,649 --> 00:11:37,321 Is there a pinkish hue? 227 00:11:40,129 --> 00:11:44,042 - A pinkish hue? - Yes, a rosy glow. 228 00:11:44,689 --> 00:11:46,759 There's a hue. 229 00:11:47,569 --> 00:11:50,879 She's got great eyebrows. Women kill to have her eyebrows. 230 00:11:52,689 --> 00:11:54,805 Who cares about eyebrows? 231 00:11:55,409 --> 00:11:57,286 Look at you. 232 00:11:57,449 --> 00:12:00,088 Why don't you do something with your life? 233 00:12:00,249 --> 00:12:04,208 You sit around here all day. You contribute nothing to society! 234 00:12:04,369 --> 00:12:07,679 The alarm didn't go off. You're gonna miss the plane, it's 9: 15. 235 00:12:07,849 --> 00:12:11,080 - 9: 15? - Yeah. It's 9: 15! 236 00:12:11,249 --> 00:12:13,001 We'll never make it. I'll leave tomorrow. 237 00:12:13,169 --> 00:12:15,922 Tomorrow? Are you crazy? No. Now, now, let's go. 238 00:12:16,089 --> 00:12:17,920 Let's go. You get dressed, you get dressed. 239 00:12:18,089 --> 00:12:21,161 I mean, how can I be with someone like you? 240 00:12:22,689 --> 00:12:24,361 Wouldn't respect myself. 241 00:12:24,529 --> 00:12:25,678 Put your pants on. 242 00:12:25,849 --> 00:12:28,044 - I'll go tomorrow or the next day. - You have your ticket. 243 00:12:28,209 --> 00:12:29,801 - You have to go now. - We'll never make it. 244 00:12:29,969 --> 00:12:33,439 - Don't say that. - Well, it takes 45 minutes to get... 245 00:12:34,089 --> 00:12:36,922 It takes 45 minutes to get there. That only leaves me five minutes... 246 00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:39,205 ...to get to the plane. - Shut up and pack! 247 00:12:39,369 --> 00:12:41,325 I take it all back! Every word! 248 00:12:41,489 --> 00:12:43,400 I love you! 249 00:12:44,089 --> 00:12:46,523 I love you! 250 00:12:46,689 --> 00:12:48,680 It's not you. It's me. 251 00:12:49,449 --> 00:12:52,168 You're giving me the "it's not you, it's me" routine? 252 00:12:53,649 --> 00:12:58,040 I invented "it's not you, it's me." Nobody tells me it's them, not me. 253 00:12:58,209 --> 00:13:00,803 - Lf it's anybody, it's me. - All right. 254 00:13:00,969 --> 00:13:04,120 - George, it's you. - You are damn right it's me. 255 00:13:04,689 --> 00:13:08,238 Elaine, you don't know the first thing about first base. 256 00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:12,759 Well, I know something about getting to first base... 257 00:13:12,929 --> 00:13:15,238 ...and I know you'll never be there. 258 00:13:15,889 --> 00:13:17,880 The way I figure it, I've already been there. 259 00:13:18,049 --> 00:13:20,961 And I plan on rounding second tonight at around 11:00. 260 00:13:22,449 --> 00:13:26,124 Well, I'd watch the third-base coach if I were you... 261 00:13:26,289 --> 00:13:29,167 ...because I don't think he's waving you in. 262 00:13:30,609 --> 00:13:33,077 I guess things changed for me on Tuesday night. 263 00:13:33,249 --> 00:13:35,809 Tuesday night? What happened Tuesday night? 264 00:13:36,689 --> 00:13:38,680 I saw your act. 265 00:13:39,569 --> 00:13:41,878 My act? What does that have to do with anything? 266 00:13:42,049 --> 00:13:43,846 Well, to be honest... 267 00:13:44,009 --> 00:13:46,000 ...it just didn't make it for me. 268 00:13:46,169 --> 00:13:48,637 It's just so much fluff. 269 00:13:49,169 --> 00:13:51,729 What are you saying? You didn't like my act? 270 00:13:51,889 --> 00:13:53,083 So that's it? 271 00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:56,525 I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do. 272 00:13:56,689 --> 00:13:58,441 You're a cashier. 273 00:13:58,609 --> 00:14:00,361 You don't know my name, do you? 274 00:14:01,729 --> 00:14:04,402 - Yes, I do. - What is it? 275 00:14:04,929 --> 00:14:07,682 It rhymes with a female body part. 276 00:14:07,849 --> 00:14:09,680 What is it? 277 00:14:11,089 --> 00:14:13,000 Mulva? 278 00:14:13,929 --> 00:14:17,604 - I think you're really sick. - I'm not sick. 279 00:14:17,769 --> 00:14:19,725 You said much sicker things than me. 280 00:14:20,329 --> 00:14:21,478 I'm leaving. 281 00:14:21,649 --> 00:14:22,843 So where were we? 282 00:14:23,009 --> 00:14:26,001 - I was just leaving. - Right. You were leaving. 283 00:14:26,169 --> 00:14:28,888 I can't believe you sent a woman into the sauna to do that? 284 00:14:29,049 --> 00:14:30,926 That was an accident. 285 00:14:31,089 --> 00:14:33,557 I think you're both mentally ill. 286 00:14:40,849 --> 00:14:45,479 And by the way, they're real and they're spectacular. 287 00:14:46,769 --> 00:14:48,487 Why shouldn't we be able to do that... 288 00:14:48,649 --> 00:14:50,605 ...once in a while if we want to? - I know. 289 00:14:50,769 --> 00:14:53,124 I mean, really, what is the big deal? 290 00:14:53,289 --> 00:14:54,517 We go in there... 291 00:14:54,689 --> 00:14:58,238 ...we're in there for a while, then we come back out here. 292 00:14:58,449 --> 00:14:59,643 That's not complicated. 293 00:14:59,809 --> 00:15:01,959 It's almost stupid if we didn't. 294 00:15:02,129 --> 00:15:05,041 - It's moronic. - Absurd. 295 00:15:07,169 --> 00:15:08,761 Course... 296 00:15:09,889 --> 00:15:13,564 ...I guess maybe some little problems could arise. 297 00:15:13,729 --> 00:15:15,242 There are always a few. 298 00:15:15,409 --> 00:15:17,161 I mean, if anything happened... 299 00:15:17,329 --> 00:15:21,641 ...and we couldn't be friends the way we are now, that would really be bad. 300 00:15:21,809 --> 00:15:25,848 - Devastating. - Because this is very good. 301 00:15:27,889 --> 00:15:29,766 And that would be good. 302 00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:32,045 That would be good too. 303 00:15:32,729 --> 00:15:35,527 The idea is to combine the this... 304 00:15:35,689 --> 00:15:37,645 ...and the that. 305 00:15:37,929 --> 00:15:40,284 But this cannot be disturbed. 306 00:15:40,449 --> 00:15:43,088 Yeah, we just want to take this... 307 00:15:43,249 --> 00:15:46,321 ...and add that. 308 00:15:49,129 --> 00:15:51,643 But of course, we'd have to figure out a way... 309 00:15:51,809 --> 00:15:54,607 ...to avoid the things that cause the little problems. 310 00:15:54,769 --> 00:15:57,806 Maybe some rules or something. 311 00:15:57,969 --> 00:15:59,721 For example: 312 00:16:00,689 --> 00:16:03,726 Now I call you whenever I'm inclined, and vice versa. 313 00:16:03,889 --> 00:16:07,199 But if we did that, we might feel... 314 00:16:07,369 --> 00:16:08,848 ...a certain obligation to call. 315 00:16:09,609 --> 00:16:11,565 Well, why should that be? 316 00:16:12,289 --> 00:16:14,280 I have an idea. 317 00:16:14,449 --> 00:16:18,442 No calls the day after that. 318 00:16:18,609 --> 00:16:19,837 Beautiful. 319 00:16:20,009 --> 00:16:21,158 Let's make it a rule. 320 00:16:21,329 --> 00:16:22,967 All right, sir. 321 00:16:25,649 --> 00:16:28,402 - Now, here's another little rule. - Yeah. 322 00:16:28,769 --> 00:16:30,168 When we see each other now... 323 00:16:30,329 --> 00:16:32,365 ...we retire to our separate quarters. 324 00:16:32,529 --> 00:16:35,726 But sometimes when people get involved with that... 325 00:16:35,889 --> 00:16:38,005 ...they feel pressure... 326 00:16:38,169 --> 00:16:40,842 ...to sleep over. 327 00:16:41,009 --> 00:16:42,681 When that... 328 00:16:42,849 --> 00:16:44,487 ...is not really sleep. 329 00:16:46,929 --> 00:16:50,808 Sleep is separate from that, and I don't see... 330 00:16:50,969 --> 00:16:56,521 ...why sleep got all tied up and connected... 331 00:16:56,689 --> 00:16:58,122 ...with that. 332 00:16:58,289 --> 00:17:03,966 Okay, okay, rule number two: Spending the night is optional. 333 00:17:05,969 --> 00:17:08,324 Well, now we're getting somewhere. 334 00:17:08,529 --> 00:17:10,838 I slept with Elaine last night. 335 00:17:13,929 --> 00:17:17,558 - Oxygen. I need some oxygen. - I thought you'd like that. 336 00:17:17,969 --> 00:17:19,243 Oh, this is huge! 337 00:17:19,409 --> 00:17:22,845 - I know. - All right, okay. Let's go. Details. 338 00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:25,443 - No, I can't give details. - No details? 339 00:17:26,649 --> 00:17:28,367 I'm not in the mood. 340 00:17:30,209 --> 00:17:32,200 You ask me here to have lunch... 341 00:17:32,369 --> 00:17:34,280 ...tell me you slept with Elaine... 342 00:17:34,449 --> 00:17:37,486 ...and then say you're not in the mood for details. 343 00:17:37,649 --> 00:17:40,038 Now, you listen to me. 344 00:17:40,209 --> 00:17:42,962 I want details, and I want them right now. 345 00:17:43,169 --> 00:17:45,478 I don't have a job, I have no place to go. 346 00:17:45,649 --> 00:17:48,925 You're not in the mood? Well, you get in the mood! 347 00:17:51,369 --> 00:17:53,599 I was at the unemployment office. 348 00:17:53,769 --> 00:17:56,841 I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries... 349 00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:59,887 ...and I gave them your phone number. So when the phone rings... 350 00:18:00,049 --> 00:18:02,438 ...you have to answer, "Vandelay Industries." 351 00:18:02,609 --> 00:18:04,725 - I'm Vandelay Industries? - Right. 352 00:18:04,889 --> 00:18:07,039 - What is that? - You're in latex. 353 00:18:07,209 --> 00:18:08,767 - Latex. - Right. 354 00:18:09,009 --> 00:18:11,648 - What do I do with latex? - I don't know! You manufacture it! 355 00:18:11,809 --> 00:18:15,722 - Right here in this little apartment? - And what do I say about you? 356 00:18:15,889 --> 00:18:18,198 You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman. 357 00:18:18,609 --> 00:18:21,169 - I'll hire you as my latex salesman? - Right. 358 00:18:21,329 --> 00:18:23,889 I don't think so. 359 00:18:24,369 --> 00:18:28,044 Man, I'm telling you this pizza idea is really gonna happen. 360 00:18:28,369 --> 00:18:31,202 This is the thing where you go and you have to make your own pizza? 361 00:18:31,409 --> 00:18:32,398 We give you the dough. 362 00:18:32,569 --> 00:18:35,800 You smash it. You pound it. You fling it up in the air. 363 00:18:35,969 --> 00:18:38,642 And then you get to put your sauce and sprinkle your cheese. 364 00:18:38,809 --> 00:18:41,960 And then, you slide it into the oven. 365 00:18:42,769 --> 00:18:44,248 You have to know how to do that. 366 00:18:44,409 --> 00:18:48,038 You can't have people shoving their arms into a 600-degree oven! 367 00:18:48,209 --> 00:18:50,882 - It's all supervised. - Oh, well... 368 00:18:51,049 --> 00:18:53,609 Tolstoy used to write in the village square. 369 00:18:53,769 --> 00:18:55,361 The faces inspired him. 370 00:18:55,529 --> 00:18:58,760 Although, one wonders if War and Peace would have been... 371 00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:02,604 ...as highly acclaimed, had it been published under it's original title... 372 00:19:02,769 --> 00:19:05,158 ... War... What Is It Good For? 373 00:19:05,809 --> 00:19:07,083 - What? - Yeah. 374 00:19:07,249 --> 00:19:09,638 Mr. Lippman, it was his mistress who insisted... 375 00:19:09,809 --> 00:19:12,369 ...that he call it War and Peace. - Elaine, Elaine. 376 00:19:12,529 --> 00:19:13,848 War... What Is It Good For? 377 00:19:14,009 --> 00:19:16,204 Absolutely nothing 378 00:19:16,369 --> 00:19:18,121 If I see her, what do I say I'm doing here? 379 00:19:18,289 --> 00:19:20,041 To see me. I work in the building. 380 00:19:20,209 --> 00:19:21,927 What do you do? 381 00:19:22,169 --> 00:19:23,568 I'm an architect. 382 00:19:24,769 --> 00:19:26,122 You're an architect? 383 00:19:26,289 --> 00:19:27,881 I'm not? 384 00:19:30,849 --> 00:19:33,044 I don't see architecture coming from you. 385 00:19:33,249 --> 00:19:36,844 We'll make our choice in a few days and we'll let you know. 386 00:19:37,329 --> 00:19:40,002 - I have no chance, do I? - No. 387 00:19:41,169 --> 00:19:43,808 You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect. 388 00:19:44,089 --> 00:19:46,603 - What do you do? - I'm an architect. 389 00:19:47,809 --> 00:19:49,765 Have you designed any buildings in New York? 390 00:19:50,289 --> 00:19:52,678 Have you seen the new addition to the Guggenheim? 391 00:19:53,169 --> 00:19:55,239 - You did that? - Yep, yep. 392 00:19:55,409 --> 00:19:57,445 Really didn't take very long either. 393 00:19:57,729 --> 00:20:00,641 The beauty of my book is, if you don't have a coffee table... 394 00:20:00,809 --> 00:20:03,562 ...it turns into a coffee table. 395 00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:07,167 - Is that fabulous? - Look at this. 396 00:20:08,849 --> 00:20:10,202 What-delay Industries? 397 00:20:10,369 --> 00:20:11,722 - No. - Vandelay! 398 00:20:11,889 --> 00:20:13,083 Say Vandelay! 399 00:20:13,329 --> 00:20:15,399 No, you're way, way, way off! 400 00:20:15,569 --> 00:20:18,288 - No, say... - Vandelay! Say... 401 00:20:18,449 --> 00:20:19,882 Vandelay Industries! 402 00:20:20,849 --> 00:20:22,965 No problem, no problem. 403 00:20:32,169 --> 00:20:35,161 And you want to be my latex salesman. 404 00:20:38,289 --> 00:20:41,565 I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humour. 405 00:20:42,529 --> 00:20:44,326 I never heard him say anything funny. 406 00:20:44,489 --> 00:20:46,559 He's got super strength, super speed. 407 00:20:46,729 --> 00:20:48,447 I'm sure he's got super humour. 408 00:20:49,289 --> 00:20:52,361 Either you're born with humour, or you're not. It's not gonna change. 409 00:20:52,529 --> 00:20:54,440 Even if you go from the red sun of Krypton... 410 00:20:54,609 --> 00:20:56,679 ...all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth. 411 00:20:57,569 --> 00:21:00,402 Why? Why would that one area of his mind... 412 00:21:00,569 --> 00:21:03,879 ...not be affected by the yellow sun of the Earth? 413 00:21:04,049 --> 00:21:06,040 I don't know. But he ain't funny. 414 00:21:06,209 --> 00:21:08,643 - What's today? - It's Thursday. 415 00:21:08,809 --> 00:21:10,242 Really? 416 00:21:10,409 --> 00:21:12,445 It feels like Tuesday. 417 00:21:13,129 --> 00:21:14,926 Tuesday has no feel. 418 00:21:15,089 --> 00:21:16,966 Monday has a feel. 419 00:21:17,249 --> 00:21:18,921 Friday has a feel. 420 00:21:19,089 --> 00:21:20,283 Sunday has a feel. 421 00:21:20,449 --> 00:21:23,407 - I feel Tuesday and Wednesday. - Shut up, the both of you. 422 00:21:23,569 --> 00:21:24,843 You double dipped the chip. 423 00:21:25,009 --> 00:21:27,159 Double dipped? What are you talking about? 424 00:21:27,329 --> 00:21:30,446 You dipped the chip. You took a bite... 425 00:21:30,609 --> 00:21:32,679 ...and you dipped again. 426 00:21:34,089 --> 00:21:36,205 - So? - It's like putting your whole mouth... 427 00:21:36,369 --> 00:21:38,325 ...right in the dip. 428 00:21:38,809 --> 00:21:44,964 From now on, when you take a chip just take one dip and end it. 429 00:21:45,169 --> 00:21:46,727 Could I offer you something to drink? 430 00:21:46,889 --> 00:21:51,405 Okay, yeah. I'll have a... Do you have a decaf cappuccino? 431 00:21:53,329 --> 00:21:55,559 I don't think we have that. 432 00:21:55,889 --> 00:21:57,766 Well, that's a little strange. 433 00:21:58,289 --> 00:22:02,999 - Why does that surprise you? - Well, it's a very popular drink. 434 00:22:03,889 --> 00:22:07,006 - This is an office. - That's true. 435 00:22:07,369 --> 00:22:09,439 Magellan? You like Magellan? 436 00:22:09,609 --> 00:22:12,965 Oh, yeah. My favourite explorer. Around the world. Come on. 437 00:22:13,209 --> 00:22:16,201 - Who do you like? - I like de Soto. 438 00:22:16,529 --> 00:22:18,838 - De Soto? What did he do? - Discovered the Mississippi. 439 00:22:19,009 --> 00:22:21,159 Oh, like they wouldn't have found that anyway. 440 00:22:21,369 --> 00:22:23,837 I was talking to this guy, and I just happened to throw... 441 00:22:24,009 --> 00:22:25,158 ...my purse on the sofa. 442 00:22:25,329 --> 00:22:29,004 And my diaphragm goes flying out. 443 00:22:31,329 --> 00:22:34,366 So I just froze, you know: 444 00:22:34,569 --> 00:22:37,208 Staring at my diaphragm, you know? It's just lying there. 445 00:22:37,369 --> 00:22:39,325 So this woman who sold me this hair thing... 446 00:22:39,489 --> 00:22:41,923 ...she grabbed it before the guy noticed, so, I mean... 447 00:22:42,089 --> 00:22:44,205 ...big deal, right? 448 00:22:44,369 --> 00:22:47,008 So I carry around my diaphragm. Who doesn't? 449 00:22:47,169 --> 00:22:49,160 I mean, like, it's a big, big secret... 450 00:22:49,329 --> 00:22:52,526 ...that women carry around their diaphragms. 451 00:22:52,689 --> 00:22:54,441 You never know when you're gonna need it. 452 00:23:01,089 --> 00:23:02,363 I hate Keith Hernandez. 453 00:23:02,529 --> 00:23:05,248 - Hate him! - I despise him. 454 00:23:05,409 --> 00:23:07,286 - Why? - Why? I'll tell you why. 455 00:23:07,449 --> 00:23:08,723 - Let me tell her. - You can't... 456 00:23:08,889 --> 00:23:10,561 - You always tell it. - All right, tell it. 457 00:23:10,729 --> 00:23:12,924 - You just tell it. - All right. 458 00:23:14,209 --> 00:23:17,565 June 14th, 1987, Mets-Phillies. 459 00:23:17,809 --> 00:23:20,846 We're enjoying a beautiful afternoon in the right-field stands... 460 00:23:21,009 --> 00:23:23,364 ...when a crucial Hernandez error opens the door... 461 00:23:23,529 --> 00:23:26,282 ...to a five- run Phillies ninth. Cost the Mets the game! 462 00:23:26,449 --> 00:23:29,282 Our day was ruined. 463 00:23:29,489 --> 00:23:32,447 There was a lot of people waiting by the players' parking lot. 464 00:23:32,609 --> 00:23:34,042 Now we're coming down the ramp. 465 00:23:34,209 --> 00:23:35,927 Newman was in front of me. 466 00:23:36,089 --> 00:23:38,125 Hernandez was coming toward us. 467 00:23:38,289 --> 00:23:43,522 As he passes us, Newman turns and says, "Nice game, pretty boy." 468 00:23:45,689 --> 00:23:47,964 Hernandez continued past us up the ramp. 469 00:23:48,129 --> 00:23:51,007 Then, a second later, something happened... 470 00:23:51,169 --> 00:23:54,957 ...that changed us in a very deep and profound way... 471 00:23:55,129 --> 00:23:56,847 ...from that day forward. 472 00:23:57,169 --> 00:23:58,568 - What was it? - He spit on us! 473 00:24:01,409 --> 00:24:03,718 And I screamed out, "I'm hit!" 474 00:24:05,169 --> 00:24:09,606 Then I turned, and the spit ricocheted off him, and it hit me. 475 00:24:12,369 --> 00:24:13,882 What a story. 476 00:24:14,049 --> 00:24:16,722 Unfortunately, the immutable laws of physics contradict... 477 00:24:16,889 --> 00:24:19,244 ...the whole premise of your account. 478 00:24:19,409 --> 00:24:21,969 Allow me to reconstruct this, if I may, for Ms. Benes... 479 00:24:22,129 --> 00:24:24,643 ...as I've heard this story a number of times. 480 00:24:24,809 --> 00:24:27,846 Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me. 481 00:24:28,289 --> 00:24:30,086 According to your story... 482 00:24:30,249 --> 00:24:33,127 ...Hernandez passes you and starts walking up the ramp. 483 00:24:33,489 --> 00:24:35,525 Then you say you were struck... 484 00:24:36,049 --> 00:24:37,926 ...on the right temple. 485 00:24:38,649 --> 00:24:41,368 The spit then proceeds to ricochet... 486 00:24:41,529 --> 00:24:45,442 ...off the temple, striking Newman between the third and the forth rib. 487 00:24:48,049 --> 00:24:49,721 The spit then came off the rib... 488 00:24:49,889 --> 00:24:53,086 ...made a right turn, hitting Newman in the right wrist... 489 00:24:54,649 --> 00:24:56,924 ...causing him to drop his baseball cap. 490 00:24:58,889 --> 00:25:01,961 The spit then splashed off the wrist, pauses... 491 00:25:02,129 --> 00:25:04,040 ...in midair, mind you... 492 00:25:05,369 --> 00:25:09,965 ...makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh. 493 00:25:11,769 --> 00:25:15,239 That is one magic loogie. 494 00:25:23,169 --> 00:25:26,923 Story is the foundation of all entertainment. 495 00:25:27,089 --> 00:25:29,319 And people really have to care about the characters. 496 00:25:29,489 --> 00:25:31,286 Care? Forget about care. Love. 497 00:25:31,449 --> 00:25:32,962 They have to love them. 498 00:25:33,129 --> 00:25:35,006 Now, get the hell out of my house. 499 00:25:35,169 --> 00:25:38,445 Quiet! You shut up! 500 00:25:38,609 --> 00:25:40,998 At this moment, you're banned from the store. Banned! 501 00:25:41,169 --> 00:25:43,888 It's a pizza the moment you put your fists in the dough. 502 00:25:45,529 --> 00:25:47,759 I have a hair on my tongue. 503 00:25:47,929 --> 00:25:49,328 Can't get it off. 504 00:25:49,489 --> 00:25:51,002 You know how much I hate that? 505 00:25:51,169 --> 00:25:53,444 Soup's not a meal. You're supposed to buy me a meal. 506 00:25:53,609 --> 00:25:55,725 Yeah. Just keep out of my business, you big ape. 507 00:25:55,889 --> 00:25:57,720 Who you calling "big ape"? 508 00:25:57,889 --> 00:26:00,039 I'm calling you an ape. 509 00:26:00,209 --> 00:26:02,848 All right, break it up. Come on, you two. 510 00:26:03,009 --> 00:26:04,522 Just cut it out now. 511 00:26:04,689 --> 00:26:07,840 But you put on a pair of shoes in the New York Public Library, fella. 512 00:26:08,209 --> 00:26:10,723 We had a funny guy with us in Korea. 513 00:26:10,889 --> 00:26:12,720 A tail gunner. 514 00:26:12,889 --> 00:26:15,722 They blew his brains out all over the Pacific. 515 00:26:19,009 --> 00:26:21,079 There's nothing funny about that. 516 00:26:21,249 --> 00:26:25,322 We will annex Poland by the spring at any cost! 517 00:26:25,489 --> 00:26:29,084 And our stock will rise high. 518 00:26:31,569 --> 00:26:33,878 You think you're an idiot, but with all due respect... 519 00:26:34,049 --> 00:26:35,801 ...l'm a much bigger idiot than you are. 520 00:26:35,969 --> 00:26:38,642 Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking to. 521 00:26:38,809 --> 00:26:40,322 No one's a bigger idiot than me. 522 00:26:40,489 --> 00:26:42,127 Am I a hipster doofus? 523 00:26:42,289 --> 00:26:43,847 - No. - No. 524 00:26:44,009 --> 00:26:45,488 Said I'm not good-looking enough. 525 00:26:45,649 --> 00:26:49,085 Not good-looking. Jerry, look at me. Look at my face. 526 00:26:49,249 --> 00:26:52,207 Am I beautiful? George, am I beautiful? 527 00:26:55,889 --> 00:26:57,641 - You're very attractive. - Yeah. 528 00:26:57,809 --> 00:27:00,448 Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am? 529 00:27:00,609 --> 00:27:01,803 We're not gay. 530 00:27:01,969 --> 00:27:03,322 Not that there's anything wrong with that. 531 00:27:03,489 --> 00:27:05,798 - No, of course not. - It's fine, if that's who you are. 532 00:27:05,969 --> 00:27:07,880 - Absolutely. - I mean, I have many gay friends. 533 00:27:08,049 --> 00:27:10,199 - My father's gay. - Look... 534 00:27:10,369 --> 00:27:11,597 ...I know what I heard. 535 00:27:11,769 --> 00:27:14,283 - Heard. It was a joke. - Look, you wanna have sex right now? 536 00:27:14,449 --> 00:27:17,122 Do you wanna have sex with me right now? Let's go. 537 00:27:18,929 --> 00:27:22,205 Come on! Let's go, baby! Come on! 538 00:27:23,369 --> 00:27:26,918 Hey, come on. Let's go. I thought we were gonna take a steam. 539 00:27:27,969 --> 00:27:30,767 - No, I don't want any steam. - No. No steam. 540 00:27:30,929 --> 00:27:32,999 Well, I don't wanna sit there naked all by myself. 541 00:27:33,169 --> 00:27:35,239 - You've faked? - On occasion. 542 00:27:35,409 --> 00:27:37,445 - And the guy never knows? - No. 543 00:27:37,609 --> 00:27:39,565 How can he not know that? 544 00:27:39,729 --> 00:27:42,004 Because I was good. 545 00:27:42,769 --> 00:27:46,284 I guess after that many beers, he's probably a little groggy anyway. 546 00:27:48,409 --> 00:27:51,606 Well, you didn't know. 547 00:27:53,409 --> 00:27:55,559 What's that? 548 00:27:55,729 --> 00:27:57,879 You didn't know. 549 00:27:58,049 --> 00:28:01,803 - Are you saying...? - I think I'll have a piece of cake. 550 00:28:01,969 --> 00:28:03,368 - With me? - Well... 551 00:28:03,529 --> 00:28:05,281 - You faked with me? - Yeah. 552 00:28:05,449 --> 00:28:06,928 - You faked with me? - Yes. 553 00:28:07,089 --> 00:28:09,364 - No. You faked it? - Yes. I faked it. 554 00:28:09,529 --> 00:28:12,123 That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act? 555 00:28:12,609 --> 00:28:14,679 Not bad, huh? 556 00:28:14,849 --> 00:28:17,807 What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming? 557 00:28:17,969 --> 00:28:20,847 Fake, fake, fake, fake. 558 00:28:21,009 --> 00:28:23,204 I'm disturbed. I'm depressed. 559 00:28:23,369 --> 00:28:26,839 I'm inadequate. I got it all! 560 00:28:27,009 --> 00:28:29,045 Can't you see what's happened? 561 00:28:29,649 --> 00:28:31,685 I've become George. 562 00:28:31,849 --> 00:28:33,282 Don't say that. 563 00:28:33,449 --> 00:28:36,646 It's true. I'm George. 564 00:28:36,809 --> 00:28:38,288 I'm George. 565 00:28:38,449 --> 00:28:39,802 Tuna on toast, coleslaw... 566 00:28:39,969 --> 00:28:41,846 ...cup of coffee. - Yeah. 567 00:28:42,009 --> 00:28:45,001 No, no, wait a minute. I always have tuna on toast. 568 00:28:45,169 --> 00:28:47,967 Nothing's every worked out for me with tuna on toast. 569 00:28:48,609 --> 00:28:50,759 I want the complete opposite of tuna on toast. 570 00:28:51,409 --> 00:28:53,764 Chicken salad on rye... 571 00:28:53,929 --> 00:28:57,763 ...untoasted, with a side of potato salad... 572 00:28:57,929 --> 00:28:59,567 ...and a cup of tea. 573 00:28:59,729 --> 00:29:03,244 Well, there's no telling what can happen from this. 574 00:29:03,409 --> 00:29:04,967 Chicken salad's not the opposite of tuna. 575 00:29:05,129 --> 00:29:07,359 Salmon's the opposite of tuna because salmon swim... 576 00:29:07,529 --> 00:29:10,919 ...against the current, and the tuna swim with it. 577 00:29:12,329 --> 00:29:14,206 Good for the tuna. 578 00:29:16,369 --> 00:29:19,725 George, you know that woman just looked at you. 579 00:29:20,529 --> 00:29:22,281 So what? What am I supposed to do? 580 00:29:22,449 --> 00:29:24,007 Go talk to her. 581 00:29:24,169 --> 00:29:27,798 Elaine, bald men with no jobs and no money... 582 00:29:27,969 --> 00:29:30,324 ...who live with their parents... 583 00:29:30,689 --> 00:29:32,998 ...don't approach strange women. 584 00:29:33,929 --> 00:29:35,760 Try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad... 585 00:29:35,929 --> 00:29:38,318 ...and being intimidated by women, chicken salad... 586 00:29:38,489 --> 00:29:42,277 ...and going right up to them. - Yeah, I should do the opposite. 587 00:29:42,449 --> 00:29:44,087 If every instinct you have is wrong... 588 00:29:44,249 --> 00:29:47,082 ...then the opposite would have to be right. 589 00:29:49,729 --> 00:29:51,162 Yes. 590 00:29:51,329 --> 00:29:53,126 I will do the opposite. 591 00:29:53,329 --> 00:29:56,480 I used to sit here and do nothing and regret it for the rest of the day. 592 00:29:56,649 --> 00:30:00,403 So now I will do the opposite, and I will do something. 593 00:30:06,569 --> 00:30:09,447 Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice that... 594 00:30:09,609 --> 00:30:12,362 ...you were looking in my direction. - Oh, yes, I was. 595 00:30:12,529 --> 00:30:14,997 You just ordered the same exact lunch as me. 596 00:30:16,569 --> 00:30:18,161 My name is George. 597 00:30:18,329 --> 00:30:21,446 I'm unemployed, and I live with my parents. 598 00:30:24,209 --> 00:30:27,007 I'm Victoria. Hi. 599 00:30:34,289 --> 00:30:36,325 Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty. 600 00:30:36,489 --> 00:30:38,764 These pretzels are making me thirsty. 601 00:30:38,929 --> 00:30:40,999 These pretzels... 602 00:30:41,809 --> 00:30:43,527 ...are making me thirsty! 603 00:30:43,689 --> 00:30:46,203 Boy, I'm really starting to dislike the Drake. 604 00:30:46,369 --> 00:30:47,358 Hate the Drake! 605 00:30:49,169 --> 00:30:50,887 You are so good-looking. 606 00:30:51,049 --> 00:30:53,085 You can't believe her. She's one of these low-talkers. 607 00:30:53,249 --> 00:30:54,523 Because he's a high talker. 608 00:30:54,689 --> 00:30:56,122 He's nice. Bit of a close talker. 609 00:30:56,289 --> 00:30:57,961 How about you, Jerry? 610 00:30:58,449 --> 00:30:59,677 I'm swamped. 611 00:30:59,849 --> 00:31:03,159 You sure? You can examine the artwork up close. 612 00:31:03,329 --> 00:31:05,160 I don't have a square to spare. 613 00:31:05,329 --> 00:31:07,047 I can't spare a square. 614 00:31:07,209 --> 00:31:08,927 I need hand! I have no hand! 615 00:31:09,089 --> 00:31:10,408 - Newman. - Newman. 616 00:31:10,569 --> 00:31:14,118 - Newman. - Hello, Newman. 617 00:31:14,289 --> 00:31:15,768 So you're still master of your domain. 618 00:31:15,929 --> 00:31:18,443 Yes. Master of my domain. 619 00:31:18,609 --> 00:31:20,520 I am king of the county. 620 00:31:20,689 --> 00:31:22,042 Lord of the manor. 621 00:31:22,209 --> 00:31:24,484 I'm queen of the castle. 622 00:31:25,249 --> 00:31:28,161 - You mean shrinkage. - Yes. 623 00:31:29,329 --> 00:31:30,842 Significant shrinkage. 624 00:31:31,009 --> 00:31:32,761 So you feel you were shortchanged? 625 00:31:32,929 --> 00:31:34,408 Yes. 626 00:31:34,569 --> 00:31:37,163 If she thinks that's me, she's under a complete misapprehension. 627 00:31:37,329 --> 00:31:39,081 Well, so, what's the difference? 628 00:31:39,249 --> 00:31:42,605 - What if she discusses it with Jane? - Oh, she's not gonna tell Jane. 629 00:31:42,769 --> 00:31:44,646 Could you tell her about the shrinkage factor? 630 00:31:44,809 --> 00:31:46,527 I'm not gonna tell her about your shrinkage. 631 00:31:46,689 --> 00:31:49,487 Besides, I think women know about shrinkage. 632 00:31:49,649 --> 00:31:51,207 How do women know about shrinkage? 633 00:31:51,369 --> 00:31:53,280 Isn't it common knowledge? 634 00:31:53,449 --> 00:31:54,643 - Elaine. - Elaine. 635 00:31:54,809 --> 00:31:57,164 Elaine! 636 00:31:58,209 --> 00:32:01,281 - What? - Do women know about shrinkage? 637 00:32:01,449 --> 00:32:02,928 What do you mean, like laundry? 638 00:32:03,849 --> 00:32:04,838 No. 639 00:32:05,009 --> 00:32:08,968 Like when a man goes swimming, afterwards... 640 00:32:10,769 --> 00:32:12,805 It shrinks? 641 00:32:14,609 --> 00:32:16,964 Like a frightened turtle. 642 00:32:22,169 --> 00:32:25,559 - Why does it shrink? - It just does. 643 00:32:27,009 --> 00:32:29,921 I don't know how you guys walk around with those things. 644 00:32:34,609 --> 00:32:36,042 - About the script. 645 00:32:36,209 --> 00:32:39,565 The script. Now, I've read this thing three times. 646 00:32:39,729 --> 00:32:40,844 Yeah. 647 00:32:42,009 --> 00:32:44,000 And every time I read it... 648 00:32:47,489 --> 00:32:48,683 What? 649 00:32:50,289 --> 00:32:52,439 - Excuse me for a second. - What? 650 00:32:52,609 --> 00:32:55,919 Would you like a Pepto-Bismol? I keep them in my wallet. 651 00:32:56,809 --> 00:32:59,084 You think he liked it? 652 00:33:03,409 --> 00:33:05,400 I'm not sure. 653 00:33:50,529 --> 00:33:52,042 The air conditioner! 654 00:34:08,329 --> 00:34:09,762 My mother caught me. 655 00:34:10,449 --> 00:34:11,962 Caught you? Doing what? 656 00:34:12,129 --> 00:34:14,245 You know. 657 00:34:16,689 --> 00:34:19,044 I was alone... 658 00:34:20,009 --> 00:34:21,727 You mean...? 659 00:34:21,889 --> 00:34:24,801 - She caught you? - Where? 660 00:34:24,969 --> 00:34:27,199 I stopped by the house to drop the car off... 661 00:34:27,369 --> 00:34:29,360 ...and I went inside for a few minutes. 662 00:34:29,529 --> 00:34:31,565 Nobody was there. They're supposed to be working. 663 00:34:32,529 --> 00:34:36,317 My mother had a Glamour magazine. I started leafing through it. 664 00:34:36,969 --> 00:34:38,527 Glamour? 665 00:34:38,689 --> 00:34:42,602 - So one thing led to another. - What did she do? 666 00:34:42,769 --> 00:34:46,444 First she screams, "George, what are you doing? My God!" 667 00:34:47,489 --> 00:34:48,888 Looked like she was gonna faint. 668 00:34:49,049 --> 00:34:51,722 She started clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it. 669 00:34:51,889 --> 00:34:54,847 I didn't know whether to keep her from falling or zip up. 670 00:34:55,569 --> 00:34:57,799 - What did you do? - I zipped up. 671 00:34:58,329 --> 00:34:59,728 - So she fell? - Yeah. 672 00:35:00,449 --> 00:35:02,519 Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was. 673 00:35:02,689 --> 00:35:05,328 - No, I guess you couldn't. - I wouldn't think so. 674 00:35:05,489 --> 00:35:09,243 So she fell, and then she starts screaming, "My back, my back!" 675 00:35:09,409 --> 00:35:11,400 I picked her up. I took her to the hospital. 676 00:35:12,489 --> 00:35:14,366 - How is she? - She's in traction. 677 00:35:14,529 --> 00:35:16,247 - I'm sorry. - It's not funny, Elaine. 678 00:35:16,409 --> 00:35:19,401 I know. I'm sorry. It's serious. 679 00:35:19,569 --> 00:35:22,003 Her back went out. She's gotta be there for a couple days. 680 00:35:22,169 --> 00:35:24,558 Glamour? 681 00:35:25,369 --> 00:35:26,597 I'll tell you this, though: 682 00:35:26,769 --> 00:35:28,646 I am never doing... 683 00:35:28,809 --> 00:35:30,527 ...that again. 684 00:35:30,689 --> 00:35:33,123 What? You mean in your mother's house or altogether? 685 00:35:33,289 --> 00:35:35,564 - Altogether. - Give me a break. 686 00:35:35,729 --> 00:35:37,765 Yeah, right. 687 00:35:37,929 --> 00:35:40,284 - You don't think I can? - No chance. 688 00:35:40,889 --> 00:35:44,802 - You think you could? - I could hold out longer than you. 689 00:35:45,329 --> 00:35:47,160 Care to make it interesting? 690 00:35:48,369 --> 00:35:50,929 - Sure. How much? - Hundred dollars? 691 00:35:51,289 --> 00:35:52,278 You're on. 692 00:35:52,449 --> 00:35:55,725 Wait a second. Wait a second. Count me in on this. 693 00:35:55,889 --> 00:35:59,040 You? You'll be out before we get the check. 694 00:36:00,849 --> 00:36:02,328 I want in on this. 695 00:36:02,489 --> 00:36:05,606 - No, no. - It's apples and oranges. 696 00:36:05,769 --> 00:36:06,963 - It's different. - Why? Why? 697 00:36:07,129 --> 00:36:09,120 - Because you're a woman. - So what? 698 00:36:09,289 --> 00:36:12,679 It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man. We have to do it. 699 00:36:12,849 --> 00:36:15,647 It's part of our lifestyle. 700 00:36:16,609 --> 00:36:18,122 It's like shaving. 701 00:36:18,289 --> 00:36:21,281 That is such baloney. I shave my legs. 702 00:36:21,449 --> 00:36:24,088 Not every day. 703 00:36:25,009 --> 00:36:26,203 - You wanna be in? - Yeah. 704 00:36:26,369 --> 00:36:29,441 You gotta give us odds. At least 2-1. You gotta put up $200. 705 00:36:29,609 --> 00:36:31,725 No. A thousand. 706 00:36:31,889 --> 00:36:34,278 No. I'll put up 150. 707 00:36:34,449 --> 00:36:37,247 - All right. You're in for 150. - Okay, 150. 708 00:36:37,409 --> 00:36:38,808 How we gonna monitor this? 709 00:36:38,969 --> 00:36:41,483 Obviously, we all know each other very well. 710 00:36:41,649 --> 00:36:42,968 I'm sure we'll feel comfortable... 711 00:36:43,129 --> 00:36:46,758 ...within the confines of the honour system. 712 00:36:48,209 --> 00:36:50,120 All right. Come on. 713 00:36:55,609 --> 00:36:56,598 Fire! 714 00:37:02,329 --> 00:37:05,765 We have sacrificed everything, all for the sake of our little... 715 00:37:06,249 --> 00:37:08,638 ...bubble boy. 716 00:37:08,809 --> 00:37:11,687 - Excuse me. - Oh, here. 717 00:37:16,049 --> 00:37:18,119 Amazing how many beautiful women live in New York. 718 00:37:18,289 --> 00:37:22,202 You're as pretty as any of them. Just need a nose job. 719 00:37:26,449 --> 00:37:29,805 Yank ee bean. Yank ee bean. 720 00:37:30,169 --> 00:37:36,165 I lik e my Yank ee bean. 721 00:37:36,849 --> 00:37:40,364 In fact, I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up. 722 00:37:40,529 --> 00:37:42,121 I had a pony. 723 00:37:44,449 --> 00:37:46,167 Well, I didn't... 724 00:37:46,329 --> 00:37:49,002 When I was a little girl in Poland... 725 00:37:49,169 --> 00:37:51,399 ...we all had ponies. 726 00:37:51,569 --> 00:37:53,287 My sister had pony. 727 00:37:53,449 --> 00:37:55,246 My cousin had pony. 728 00:37:55,409 --> 00:37:57,877 - So, what's wrong with that? - Nothing, nothing at all. 729 00:37:58,049 --> 00:38:01,439 He was a beautiful pony, and I loved him. 730 00:38:01,609 --> 00:38:04,362 Well, I'm sure you did. Who wouldn't love a pony? 731 00:38:04,529 --> 00:38:07,089 Who wouldn't love a person that had a pony? 732 00:38:07,249 --> 00:38:09,444 You. You said so. 733 00:38:09,609 --> 00:38:11,088 It's my father's cabin! 734 00:38:12,489 --> 00:38:16,528 I just realized, you never gave me back the change from the tolls. 735 00:38:16,689 --> 00:38:18,759 So you heard that I was in a car accident... 736 00:38:18,929 --> 00:38:22,319 ...and then decided to stop off for some Jujyfruit? 737 00:38:23,649 --> 00:38:25,367 Well... 738 00:38:25,929 --> 00:38:28,318 ...the counter was right there. 739 00:38:28,489 --> 00:38:30,923 I didn't know she had a pony. 740 00:38:31,769 --> 00:38:34,044 Who figures an immigrant is gonna have a pony? 741 00:38:36,129 --> 00:38:39,007 I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats... 742 00:38:39,169 --> 00:38:40,887 ...coming into New York Harbor... 743 00:38:41,049 --> 00:38:43,199 ...I never saw one of them sitting on a pony. 744 00:38:45,409 --> 00:38:48,321 But why would anyone come here if they had a pony? 745 00:38:48,489 --> 00:38:51,959 Who leaves a country packed with ponies to go to a non-pony country? 746 00:38:52,969 --> 00:38:55,483 It doesn't make sense. 747 00:38:55,809 --> 00:38:58,562 Now we'll open the peritoneal cavity... 748 00:38:58,729 --> 00:39:02,005 ... exposing the body's internal organs. 749 00:39:02,809 --> 00:39:05,846 - What are you eating? - Junior Mints. 750 00:39:06,449 --> 00:39:08,246 - You want one? - No. 751 00:39:08,409 --> 00:39:11,003 Now, I can't see. 752 00:39:14,929 --> 00:39:16,760 Could you get...? 753 00:39:21,969 --> 00:39:23,402 Where'd you get those? 754 00:39:23,569 --> 00:39:24,968 - The machine. You want one? - No. 755 00:39:25,129 --> 00:39:26,801 - Here. Take one. - I don't want one. 756 00:39:26,969 --> 00:39:28,368 - They're good. - I don't want any. 757 00:39:28,529 --> 00:39:31,726 - Just take one. - No. Stop... Kramer, stop it. 758 00:39:36,089 --> 00:39:38,444 It's a Junior Mint. 759 00:39:38,609 --> 00:39:39,724 Drake's Coffee Cake? 760 00:39:39,889 --> 00:39:41,242 - Snapple? - No, thanks. 761 00:39:41,409 --> 00:39:43,047 - Snapple? - No, thanks. 762 00:39:43,209 --> 00:39:44,198 - PEZ? - No. 763 00:39:44,369 --> 00:39:45,563 A box of Jujyfruits? 764 00:39:45,729 --> 00:39:47,560 - Clark Bar. - I love Yoo-hoo. 765 00:39:47,729 --> 00:39:49,799 - Oh, Chunkys. - Chocolate babka. 766 00:39:49,969 --> 00:39:50,765 It's Gore- Tex. 767 00:39:50,929 --> 00:39:52,999 - Cashmere? - No, Gore- Tex. 768 00:39:53,169 --> 00:39:55,319 Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? 769 00:39:55,649 --> 00:39:58,322 It's chocolate, it's peppermint. It's delicious. 770 00:39:58,489 --> 00:40:00,923 - That's true. - It's very refreshing. 771 00:40:01,689 --> 00:40:02,917 What's going on over here? 772 00:40:03,089 --> 00:40:04,602 There's a beached whale. She's dying. 773 00:40:04,769 --> 00:40:07,237 Is anyone here a marine biologist? 774 00:40:12,689 --> 00:40:14,645 The sea was angry that day, my friends. 775 00:40:17,809 --> 00:40:20,687 Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. 776 00:40:26,929 --> 00:40:29,443 I got about 50 feet out, when suddenly... 777 00:40:29,609 --> 00:40:32,487 ...the great beast appeared before me. 778 00:40:32,649 --> 00:40:35,641 I tell you, he was 10 stories high if he was a foot. 779 00:40:36,369 --> 00:40:39,361 As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. 780 00:40:39,529 --> 00:40:41,485 I said, "Easy, big fella." 781 00:40:43,249 --> 00:40:46,446 And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized... 782 00:40:46,609 --> 00:40:48,759 ...that something was obstructing its breathing. 783 00:40:48,929 --> 00:40:52,001 From where I was standing, I could see into the eye of the great fish. 784 00:40:52,169 --> 00:40:54,399 - Mammal. - Whatever. 785 00:40:55,249 --> 00:40:57,046 - What did you do next? - Well, then... 786 00:40:57,209 --> 00:41:00,042 ...from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me... 787 00:41:00,209 --> 00:41:03,087 ...tossed me like a cork, and I found myself on top of him... 788 00:41:03,249 --> 00:41:04,762 ...face to face with the blowhole. 789 00:41:05,449 --> 00:41:08,168 I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me... 790 00:41:08,329 --> 00:41:11,241 ...but I knew something was there. 791 00:41:11,409 --> 00:41:12,922 So I reached my hand in... 792 00:41:13,089 --> 00:41:16,320 ...felt around, and pulled out the obstruction. 793 00:41:36,009 --> 00:41:38,728 What is that, a Titleist? 794 00:41:41,329 --> 00:41:43,206 A hole in one, huh? 795 00:41:44,689 --> 00:41:47,647 We go into NBC, tell them we got an idea for a show about nothing. 796 00:41:47,809 --> 00:41:49,367 - Exactly. - "What's your show about?" 797 00:41:49,529 --> 00:41:51,520 - I say, "Nothing." - There you go. 798 00:41:52,129 --> 00:41:53,881 I think you may have something here. 799 00:42:25,369 --> 00:42:28,918 Why don't you two go to the movies by yourselves. I'm not in the mood. 800 00:42:29,089 --> 00:42:31,159 Well, me either. I'm going to Sky Burger. 801 00:42:31,889 --> 00:42:34,278 - So you're not going? - You don't need us. 802 00:42:34,449 --> 00:42:36,804 Well, I can't go to a bad movie by myself. 803 00:42:36,969 --> 00:42:40,564 What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers? 804 00:42:40,729 --> 00:42:43,038 I guess I'll just go to my uncle's. 805 00:42:43,209 --> 00:42:46,758 - Should we tell him we're leaving? - What for? Let's just get out of here. 806 00:42:52,769 --> 00:42:55,158 Seinfeld, four! 807 00:43:00,689 --> 00:43:02,680 Subtitles by SDI Media Group