- Hey. - Hey.
Big news. The dog problem has been solved.
Really? What happened?
Well, there's this rabbi in my building-
You've met him. He's a very nice man.
- Is he the one with the show on cable? - Yeah, yeah, that's the one.
So I spoke to him about the dog, he went down, talked to the owner...
...and she agreed to keep the dog inside from now on.
- That's great. - I know.
- That looks pretty good. - He's in.
Hey, so, you know, we haven't discussed George's engagement.
- What's to discuss? - Come on. George is getting married.
Is he happy?
I will never understand the bathrooms in this country.
Why is it that the stall doors do not come all the way down to the floor?
Maybe it's so you can see if there's someone in there.
Isn't that why we have locks on the doors?
Well, as a backup system, in case the lock is broken...
...you can see if it's taken.
A backup system?
We're designing bathroom doors with our legs exposed...
...in anticipation of the locks not working?
That's not a system. That's a complete breakdown of the system.
Can we change the subject, please?
Why, what's wrong with it? This is a bad subject?
No, fine. If you wanna keep talking about it, we'll talk about it.
It's not that I wanna keep talking about it.
I just think the subject should resolve itself based on its own momentum.
Well, I didn't think that it had any momentum.
How am I gonna do this?
I'm engaged to this woman? She doesn't even lik e me.
Change the subject? Toilets were the subject.
We don't even share the same interests.
- Yeah, he seems pretty happy. - Well, that's all that counts, I guess.
What's the matter?
What? Nothing.
You don't seem too enthused about the whole thing.
Well, what do you want me to do?
I thought you'd have some reaction to it.
Well, I don't.
I think maybe you're a little jealous.
Oh, what, you think I wanna marry George?
No, but maybe you wish it was you who was getting married, not him.
Oh, please. That is the last thing that I want.
Oh, yeah. Right.
Yeah, right.
- Laney. - Jerry.
- You don't wanna get married? - Yeah, that's right.
- I don't wanna get married. - Oh, come on.
- Oh, you come on. - It's such-
- Oh, hey. - Hey.
Hey, Elaine, listen, I was talking to a friend about this dog business.
Do you realize this is going to be on our permanent records?
Are you aware of this?
- Oh, dear. - It can never be erased.
It'll follow us wherever we go for the rest of our lives.
I'll never be able to get a job. I mean, doesn't that concern you?
Everything I've worked for, down the drain...
...because of one stupid mistake.
I mean, aren't we entitled to make one mistake in our lives?
- We gotta change the system. - Yes!
I could care less.
I hope it is on our record. I'm just sorry they didn't lock me up.
- Oh, hello, Rabbi Kursham. - Elaine.
Always a pleasure to see you.
Thanks again for taking care of that dog for us.
Elaine, oftentimes in life there are problems...
...and just as often there are solutions.
Yeah, yeah, I suppose.
Elaine, you don't seem yourself today. You seem, if I may say, troubled.
No, Rabbi, I'm not myself.
Come upstairs. We'll have a talk.
Hey.
I want your honest opinion about something.
- Have I ever been less than forthright? - No, you haven't.
Well, maybe you have. What do I know?
I probably have. Of course I have. What am I talking about?
Okay, tell me what you think about this idea:
Extend the doors on the toilet stalls at Yankee Stadium...
...all the way to the floor.
Extend the doors on the toilet stalls at Yankee Stadium to the floor?
Door comes down, hides your feet.
- Yes, I like it. I like it a lot. - It's good, right?
I think it's fantastic. I think it's a fantastic idea.
- You do? - Yes, I do.
Well, I told it to Susan before and she didn't like it.
Yeah. Not only that, this is what she said to me:
"Can we change the subject?"
- See, now, that I don't care for. - Right.
I mean, we're on a subject. Why does it have to be changed?
It should resolve of its own volition.
That's exactly what I said, but I used the word "momentum."
- "Momentum,"same thing. - Same thing.
My God, I'm getting married in December. Do you know that?
Yeah, I know.
How am I gonna make December? I need a little more time.
Look at me, I'm a nervous wreck.
My stomach aches. My neck is killing me. I can't turn.
Look, look.
- You're turning. - No, that's not a good turn.
December! December!
Don't you think we should have a little more time to get to know each other?
If you need more time, you should have more time.
- What, you think I could postpone it? - Sure you can. Why not?
- You're allowed to postpone? - I don't see why not.
- So I could do that? - Sure, go ahead.
All right. All right.
I'll tell you what, how about this? I got the date.
March 21 st, the first day of spring.
- Spring, of course. - You know, spring.
Rejuvenation, rebirth, everything's blooming.
All that crap.
Beautiful.
- She's not gonna like it. - No, she's not.
You know, I think I'm a little bit scared of her.
She's 5'3", like 100 pounds, I'm frightened to death of her.
Well, she's a women. They don't like to be disappointed.
Especially her.
She does not like disappointment.
Well, I have to do it.
I can't make December. No way I can make December.
You can see that, right? I mean, look at me.
Can I make December? I can't make December, right? Look! Look!
- Yeah, you'd better shoot for March. - March 21 st.
Hey. So you're gonna back me on this, right?
- Oh, all the way. - You are a good friend.
You know what, even if you killed somebody, I wouldn't turn you in.
Is that so?
Hey, Kramer, if I killed somebody, would you turn me in?
Definitely.
- You're kidding. - No, no, I would turn you in.
- You would turn me in? - I wouldn't even think about it.
You're supposed to be a friend of mine.
Well, what kind of person are you, going around killing people?
Well, I'm sure I had a good reason.
Well, if you killed this person, who's to say I wouldn't be next?
- But you know me. - I thought I did.
I really appreciate your taking time to talk with me, Rabbi.
You know, I'm not of your faith. In fact, I'm not a very religious person.
But I do feel as if I'm in need of some guidance here.
Would you care for a snack of some kind?
I have the SnackWells, which are very popular...
...although I think sometimes with the so-called fat-free cookies...
...people may overindulge, forgetting that they may be high in calories.
No. No, thank you. I'm not very hungry.
Anyway...
...this friend of mine, George, got engaged.
- How wonderful. - Yeah, yeah.
Well, for some reason...
...well, I find myself just overcome...
...with feelings of jealousy and resentment.
Doesn't it give you any joy to see your friend...
...enter into this holiest of unions?
No, no. No, it doesn't.
No joy. No joy whatsoever. It just- The whole thing makes me...
...sick.
You know, Elaine...
...very often we cannot see the forest for the trees.
Yeah, I don't know what that means.
Well, for example, say there's a forest-
Yeah, see, the thing is, Rabbi, it should've been me.
You know? I'm smart. I'm attractive.
You know, my temple has many single functions.
Oh, no, that's okay.
My nephew Alex is someone who's also looking. Perhaps I could...?
No, I don't think so.
He owns a flower store. Very successful.
So you're nothing but a stoolie. Admit it.
Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
- Another caffe latte? - Yeah, you better believe it.
- Since when are you so trendy? - Hey, baby, I set the trends.
Who do you think started this caffe latte thing?
I don't recall you drinking caffe lattes.
I've been drinking caffe lattes since the fifth grade...
...and haven't looked back.
Look, Plan 9 from Outer Space is playing tomorrow night.
- One show only. - I've always wanted to see it.
I was supposed to see this five years ago.
I was in a Chinese restaurant with George and Elaine.
We got screwed up and missed it.
- Well, let's do it, huh? - All right.
Look at this, Jerry. Dropping paper on the ground.
See, that's littering.
Maybe you ought to call the cops and turn me in.
Maybe I will.
- Hi. - Hey, how was your day?
Good. Good day.
- How was-? How was your day? - Oh, it was okay.
- So, what's going on? - Oh, nothing much.
You know, went over to Jerry's, talked to Jerry.
Oh, the Lauers wanna get together with us on Friday night.
The Lauers? Really?
- Do you not wanna go? - No, no. I wanna go.
So, what did Jerry have to say?
Oh, nothing much. You know, we were talking.
I had an unbelievable idea today.
Oh, yeah, the toilets. You told me.
Yeah. No, it's not the toilets. It's something else.
- You ready for this? - Yeah.
- Okay, how about this? - What?
- All right. - Okay.
We get married...
...March 21 st, the first day of spring.
What do you mean? You wanna postpone the wedding?
No, no, this has got nothing to do with postponing.
I just think the first day of spring is the perfect day to get married.
Spring! Rejuvenation, rebirth, everything is blooming. All that-
If you don't wanna marry me, George, just say so. Just say so!
No, no, still marry. Still marry.
- No, you don't love me. - No, no, still love. Still love.
My friends told me that you were too neurotic...
- ... and that I was making a mistake. - No, no, no. No mistake. No mistake.
Listen, we're gonna get married over Christmas.
Really, it doesn't make any difference to me. It's fine, really.
- You sure? - Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. Christmas.
Snow, Santa, all that stuff.
Let me take a guess.
She cried and you caved.
- How did you know that? - I live and breathe, my friend.
I live and breathe.
I felt terrible. I thought she was gonna collapse and kill herself.
Yes, it's very difficult. Few men have the constitution for it.
That's why breakups take two or three tries.
You gotta build up your immunity.
You see those tears, you don't know what to do.
It's like she was on fire. I was just trying to put her out.
Well, at least you probably had some pretty good make-up sex afterwards.
I didn't have any sex.
You didn't have make-up sex? How could you not have make-up sex?
That's the best feature of the heavy relationship.
I missed out on the make-up sex.
In your situation...
...the only sex you're gonna have better than make-up sex...
...is if you're sent to prison and you have a conjugal visit.
Yeah, conjugal-visit sex. That is happening.
Look, I can tell you're very upset, but I'm sorry, I'm not going.
Did you hear that?
I can't believe this. Look at this guy. He's eating a sandwich.
Are you gonna eat those fries?
This is amazing.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
I'm going back in.
Feel better.
Poor bastard.
Good evening, Rabbi.
Good evening. And how does this evening find you?
Well, Rabbi. Well.
I trust you're here to see your friend, Elaine?
- Yeah, that's right. - I hope she's feeling better.
What do you mean?
- She didn't tell you? - No.
Well, it seems the engagement of her friend George...
...has left her feeling bitter and hostile.
- Is that so? - Oh, yes.
In fact, she told me that she wishes...
...she was the one who was getting married.
Really?
- She came off as pretty desperate. - I didn't know any of this.
Apparently, she doesn't think much of this George fellow either.
I recall the word "loser"peppered throughout our conversation.
Well, this all comes as news to me.
- Hi. - Hi, how was your day?
Good. Good day.
- How was your day? - Oh, it was okay.
- So, what's going on? - Oh, nothing much, you know.
I went over to Jerry's. You know, talked to Jerry.
Could I-? Could I talk to you for a minute?
Yeah, sure.
All right.
You see, this is the thing.
I just feel like I can't do this in December.
I just feel like I need a little more time because I feel like I'm not ready yet.
I'm frightened and I'm scared.
And I just feel we need a little more time to get to know each other.
But I could do it in March. I promise. I promise.
No more postponements. I just need three more months, please.
Oh, George, George.
Of course.
Of course it can wait till March if that's what you want.
- Yeah? - Oh, don't worry.
Yes, of course, of course.
I have that magazine article for you.
You know, I had a little talk with the rabbi outside.
- Oh, you did? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Understand you had a little talk with him too.
Yeah, we talked earlier.
Yes, I know, I know.
- What does that mean? - Nothing. Nothing.
- He didn't mention...? - Yes, he did.
- He told you about the conversation? - Oh, we had quite a little chat.
- He told you about-? - Yes, how you are jealous of George.
How you wish you were getting married instead of him.
He told you that? How could he?
And it didn't take much prodding either, I have to say.
- Can he do that? - He did.
But he's a rabbi. How can a rabbi have such a big mouth?
That's what's so fascinating.
You better finish your little caffe latte there.
- They'll never let you in with it. - Why not?
Because they don't allow outside drinks into the movie.
- Well, that's stupid. - That's the rule.
Yeah, well, we'll just see if we can't get around that.
Oh, Elaine, come in, come in.
- So nice to see you again. - Yeah.
Can I offer you some kasha varnishkes?
No, no. Listen, Rabbi, I'd like to ask you a question.
Why? Why did you tell my friend Jerry what I talked to you about?
- Was that a problem for you? - Of course it was problem for me!
You didn't-? You didn't tell anyone else about this, did you?
Well, let's see...
I seem to recall a conversation with Mrs. Winston in 1 F.
Mrs. Winston?
Yes, we were waiting for our mail to arrive...
...and I happened to mention to her...
...how you felt it was never going to "happen"for you.
What about Don Ramsey? You didn't mention anything to him, did you?
Don Ramsey?
You know, that tall good-looking guy, he lives on the fifth floor?
Oh, him.
Well, this morning I happened to find myself in the elevator with him.
Oh, my God, you didn't.
Excuse me.
Pardon me. Excuse us.
My coffee!
Hey, hey, what's going on? What just happened here?
Nothing. Nothing.
What do you got? One of those caffe lattes in your shirt?
I don't have anything. What? Ask him.
All right. Come on, coffee boy.
- What? - Come on, now. Here we go.
I mean, the whole thing is a mess. He told everyone in the building.
I ran into that cute guy on the fifth floor...
...I mean, he could barely bring himself to nod.
Elaine, if I could say a word here about the Jewish people.
That man in no way represents our ability...
...to take in a nice piece of juicy gossip and keep it to ourselves.
You didn't say anything to George, did you?
No.
About how you wish it was you who was getting married instead of him.
- Feelings of resentment, hostility. - Yeah, yeah. So what?
- Hey. - Georgie, congratulations!
Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since it happened.
I couldn't be happier for you.
Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot.
Oh, come on. Come on. You really, really deserve it.
Deserve? I don't know about deserve.
Are you kidding?
I have seen the changes in you the past couple of years.
Man, you have grown. You've matured.
Yeah, I guess I'm getting older.
Well, I just think it's wonderful. Honestly.
I've gotta run, but please, please give my best to Susan.
My most just...
- ... heartfelt congratulations. - Yeah, thanks.
Listen, if you ever get a date...
...maybe the four of us could go out together sometime.
Yes. Yes, yes. Sure.
Wasn't there some guy in your building that you said you liked?
He lived up on the fifth floor or something?
- Yes. Yes, yes, yes. - Yeah.
- Boy, she is something, isn't she? - Yeah, she's something else.
Hey, so, what happened? Did you hold your ground or...?
- Nope. I wept like a baby. - What?
Well, I started to tell her, and then all of a sudden, for some reason...
...I just burst into tears.
- You cried? - I bawled uncontrollably.
I just poured my guts out. And I'll tell you, Jerry, it was incredible.
I never realized how powerful these tears are.
I could have postponed it another five years if I wanted to.
- Hey. - Hey.
Sorry about that movie thing. I was joking around.
Sorry? Are you kidding?
You did me the biggest favour of my life.
I spoke to a lawyer. We're suing for millions.
- Suing? What for? - The coffee was too hot.
- It's supposed to be hot. - Not that hot.
The prophet Isaiah tells us that without friends...
...our lives are empty and meaningless.
Wait a minute. That's the rabbi from Elaine's building.
I just met this guy the other day.
A young lady I know, let's cal her Elaine...
...happened to find herself overwhelmed...
...with feelings of resentment and hostility for her friend...
...let's cal him George.
She felt that George was somewhat of a loser...
...and that she was the one who deserved to be married first.
She also happened to mention to me that her friend had wondered...
...if going to a prostitute while you're engaged is considered cheating.
His feeling was...
...they're never going to see each other again...
...so, what's the difference?
But that is a subject for another sermon.
And now I'd lik e to close with a psalm.