Hey, you know what?
lt says '' no food or drink.'' Can't take that in.
-Just wait here. l'll be right out. -Wait a second. Come on.
l wanna go in.
l'm just running in.
Come on. Come on.
You know what? They don't have batteries here.
Let's go.
Hey, Georgie's moving out.
-Get out. -l'm out.
Fantastic apartment right across from mine.
l can't wait for you to see.
-ls it better than mine? -Oh, yeah.
So it's a two-bedroom-one-bath- make-your-friends-hate-you.
lt's better than Elaine's.
-Gotta give her a call. -She's out.
-Right, the blind date. -Well, they like to call it a setup now.
l guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers.
Come on, come check out my new place.
l can't. l'm meeting Kramer down at my Mini Storage.
Got any extra furniture there?
l need some more stuff to fill that extra bedroom with a walk-in closet.
Oh, this is really annoying.
lt's working already.
What is with that?
Well, it's coughing, Jerry.
lt expels the diseased germs out of the body into the air.
-Where is your key? -Yeah, well, Newman-- He's got it.
You know, Kramer, l rented out half of my space to you.
Yeah, and l rented out half that space to Newman.
Mailbags?
He's storing mail in here?
Evidently.
Excuse me, George?
No menus.
No, l'm Mrs. Ricardi, president of the tenants' association.
Oh, right. Right. Hey.
l love the floors in here. lt's like a gymnasium.
-Try and guard me. Come on. -No, no.
George, unfortunately, Clarence Eldridge, in 8C...
...has decided that he wants the apartment.
Yeah, but you promised it to me.
Yes, but you see, Mr. Eldridge is an Andrea Doria survivor.
And in light of the terrible suffering that he's already been through...
...we've decided to give it to him.
Well...
...the Andrea Doria.
That was quite a fire.
-Shipwreck. -l remember it.
Where is this guy? I hate this.
I should have brought something to read.
''Cancer in laboratory animals. ''
Excuse me. Elaine Benes?
-Yeah? -An Alan Mercer called for you.
He said he's sorry, but he won't be able to make it tonight.
He's been stabbed.
Stabbed?
More bread?
You ate more bread?
That is not the point.
The guy was stabbed.
-You find out who stabbed him? -Yeah.
lt turns out it was his ex-girlfriend.
Well, you're not going near this hooligan anymore.
l don't know. l mean, think about it, Jerry.
There must be something exciting about this guy...
...if he can arouse that kind of passion.
l mean, to be stabworthy, you know? lt's....
lt's kind of a compliment.
Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one.
Hey, how's everybody?
-Hey. -Hey.
There's no expiration date on this.
There is now.
You should get that cough checked out by a doctor.
No, no, no. No doctors for me.
Bunch of lackeys and yes men all toeing the company line.
Plus they botched my vasectomy.
-They botched it? -l'm even more potent now.
-Hey. -Hey, how's the new place?
Gone.
The tenant association made me give it to this guy...
...because he was an Andrea Doria survivor.
Andrea Doria? ls that the one they did the song about?
Edmund Fitzgerald.
l love Edmund Fitzgerald's voice.
No, Gordon Lightfoot was the singer. Edmund Fitzgerald was the ship.
You could fit 1 5 people in that bathroom.
l think Gordon Lightfoot was the boat.
Yeah, and it was rammed by the Cat Stevens.
The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm in dense fog...
...1 2 miles off the coast of Nantucket.
-How do you know? -lt's in my book:
Astonishing Tales of the Sea.
Fifty-one people died.
Fifty-one people?
That's it?
l thought it was like a thousand.
There were 1 660 survivors.
That's no tragedy.
How many people you lose on a normal cruise, 30, 40?
Can l look at that book?
Oh, yeah. l also got Astounding Bear Attacks.
Before you go, did you talk to Newman about getting that mail out?
Oh, yeah. No, he's not gonna do it.
-Newman? -l guess.
Listen, l want you to get the mail out of my storage unit.
Sometimes we don't get what we want.
-What are you talking about? -l didn't get my transfer.
-Transfer? -To Hawaii.
The most sought after postal route of them all.
The air is so dewy sweet, you don't even have to lick the stamps.
But it's not to be. So l'm hanging it up.
-You quit the post office? -Kind of.
l'm still collecting checks, l'm just not delivering mail.
Well, get it out of my storage. lt's illegal.
And yet it's perfectly legal to take a man's soul...
...and crush it out like a stale Pall Mall.
Well, the law's the law.
Hold on there, it's....
-lt's a nasty cough you got there. -What cough?
l love shrimp. l'm a shrimp eater.
You put shrimp in front of me, and l'll eat it till my stomach pops.
No, it's okay. l'm still just a little bit jumpy.
Between you and me...
...what happened there, with the stabbing?
Just one of those things, you know.
What, was she just so crazy in love with you...
...she just couldn't take it anymore, or...?
l don't know. Could be.
-Alan? -Carol?
Was that the one? Was that the one who stabbed you?
No, that was a different girl.
There was another crazed ex-girlfriend?
Right. So l called my friend-- You know, the one who set us up?
l found out he's a bad breaker-upper.
-Bad how? -You know when you break up...
...how you say things you don't mean?
He says things you don't mean...
-...but means them. -l follow.
-What are you gonna do? -Dump him.
l can't be with someone who doesn't break up nicely.
That's an important part of a relationship.
What's more important?
Hey.
-What's with the dog? -This is Smuckers.
l borrowed him.
Yeah, we share the same affliction.
l'm gonna have a vet check us out.
-A vet? -l'll take a vet over an MD any day.
They gotta cure a lizard, a chicken, a pig, a frog, all on the same day.
So if l may jump ahead...
...you're gonna take dog medicine?
You bet we are. How smart is that?
See you.
Ahoy, Mr. Eldridge.
l understand you were on the Andrea Doria.
Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal.
l tell you, l hear people really stuff themselves on those cruise ships.
The buffet, that's the real ordeal, huh, Clarence?
We had to abandon ship.
Well, all vacations have to end eventually.
The boat sank.
According to this, it took 1 0 hours.
lt eased into the water like an old man into a nice warm bath. No offence.
So, Clarence, how about...
...abandoning this apartment and letting me shove off in it?
ls that what this is about?
l don't think l like you.
lt's my apartment, Eldridge.
The Stockholm may not have sunk you, but l will.
What are the symptoms?
Well, it hurts when he swallows...
...especially when he drinks orange juice.
l mean, dog-food juice.
And what's worse, he has a nagging cough.
That's it. That's it.
Yeah, well, we've been seeing a lot of this lately.
Been drinking from the toilet?
What? No.
That's disgusting.
So that's it? We're breaking up?
What? Breakup?
-We went out on one date. -Okay, yeah, sure, whatever you say.
All right. Good, good.
Okay, then, well.... So l'll see you around...
...big head.
-Pardon? -You got a big head.
lt's too big for your body.
That's it?
That's the best you got?
So he's keeping the apartment. He doesn't deserve it, though.
lf he did suffer, that was like 40 years ago.
What have you done for me lately?
l've been suffering for the past 30 years up to and including yesterday.
lf this board is impressed with suffering...
...maybe you should tell them the astonishing tales of Costanza.
-l should. -Your work in this field is unparalleled.
l could go bummer-to-bummer with anyone on the planet.
You're the man.
-Jerry-- -l'll be with you in a moment.
So you want a protein shake or something?
l guess l should get moving on this, huh?
-l'm gonna go. -All right.
Hello, Newman.
-That mail, where is it? -What's the difference?
The guy with the Hawaii transfer got busted...
...for hoarding Victoria's Secret catalogs.
l gotta deliver that mail.
Well, go ahead. There's eight bags of it.
Blast.
There's no way l can handle eight in addition to my usual load of one.
l'll never get to Hawaii.
l'll be stuck in this apartment building forever.
The dream is dead.
-You're giving up that easy? -l usually do.
-See you. -Wait a minute, Newman.
You can't let this dream die.
You moving away is my dream too.
-What are you proposing? -Whatever it takes...
...for as long as it takes, wherever it takes me...
...so long as it takes you away from me.
-An alliance? -An alliance.
Now get the hell out of here.
Hawaii? That's why you're helping Newman with the mail?
Elaine, Newman is my sworn enemy...
...and he lives down the hall from my home. My home, Elaine.
Where l sleep, where l come to play with my toys.
Well, anyway, get this...
...l spoke to Alan.
You know, l told him l didn't wanna see him anymore.
Called me big head.
Big head?
lt's almost a compliment.
lt's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.
-Hello? Hey, George. -Hey.
-Yeah, listen, l can't make it later. -You can't make it?
Yeah, the tenant association has decided to hear my side of the story...
...so l gotta kind of get ready. l'll see you.
All right.
-ls he not gonna go? -Doesn't look like it's gonna happen.
-All right, well, l'll see you. -All right.
Kramer, aren't you taking any medication for that?
Yeah. Yeah, l got some pills.
They taste terrible.
-Just swallow them. -Oh, my throat's too tender.
-All right, sit down. -l don't want to.
-Come on. Just sit down. -No, Jerry. What--?
-Lay down. -Why?
-Sit down. Lean your head back. -Hey!
Open your mouth. Open your mouth.
Open it. Open it.
What kind of pills are these anyway?
'' For Smuckers''?
'' May cause panting and loss of fur''?
These are dog pills.
We had the same symptoms.
But he's a dog. You need to see a real doctor.
No. No doctors.
All right.
Where are you going?
l'm taking the car. l gotta run errands. Wanna go?
l don't know.
Come on, you wanna go for a ride, huh?
Come on. Come on. Yeah.
Lady, could you move your head a little bit?
-What? -Your head. l can't see out the back.
Little more.
Thank you.
l don't see any tissues back here.
Wait a minute.
This isn't the way to the park.
Where are we going?
l recognize this block.
You're taking me to the doctor.
So, Mom, Dad...
...l was hoping that you could help me...
...to remember my childhood a little more clearly.
l feel a draft. Let's change tables.
Get out of here. We have a booth.
Frank, l'm cold.
Order a hot dish.
Why can't we sit over there?
-That's not a booth. -Who says we have to sit in a booth?
l didn't take the subway to New York to sit at a table like that!
Well, l didn't take a subway to be in a drafty restaurant!
Mom--
Now, George, what do you wanna know about your childhood?
Actually, l think l'm pretty clear on it.
Where's that breeze coming from?
-Kramer, out of the car. Out now. -No, Jerry.
-All right. That's it. Come on. -No. Jerry.
Hey. Hey, get back over here. Kramer.
Get over here. You are bad.
Bad neighbour.
Kramer.
Just then a rescue ship emerged from the fog and saved us.
lt was--
lt was the sweetest sight my eyes ever saw.
Thank you, Mr. Eldridge.
The tenant board will now hear Mr. Costanza's testimony.
How'd it go? Get it all delivered?
-What happened? -Kramer bit me.
-Bit you? -We had an argument about me...
...moving to Hawaii and he locked on to my ankle like it was a soup bone.
l'm hobbled. l don't think l can do my route.
And they're awarding the transfer in two days.
-Well, what if l delivered it? -You?
-You can't deliver mail. -Why not?
You're right. lt's just walking around and putting it in the boxes.
-Well, what am l gonna wear? -My uniform from my rookie year.
l can't believe l'm gonna be a mailman.
Here you go. Merry Christmas.
Mail on Sunday?
l was handcuffed to the bed in my underwear...
...where l remained for....
She certainly seemed interested in me.
Though she was attractive, she was also, in fact, a Nazi.
The water that l had been swimming in was very cold...
...and when l dropped the towel there had been significant shrinkage.
My parents were looking at me.
So there l was...
...with the marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole.
ln closing, these stories have not been embellished...
...because they need no embellishment.
They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life...
...as a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man.
Thank you.
Oh, also...
...my fiancée died from licking toxic envelopes that l picked out.
Thanks again.
Hey, l've been trying to jam stuff in the box like you told me...
...but sometimes it says, '' Photographs: Do not bend.''
Do not bend.
Just crease, crumple, cram. You'll do fine.
Hello?
This is he.
l don't understand.
Very well.
What?
That was the vice president of the post office.
l didn't get the transfer.
They knew it wasn't me doing my route.
How did they know?
Too many people got their mail.
Close to 80 percent.
Nobody from the post office has ever cracked the 50-percent barrier.
lt's like the three-minute mile.
-l tried my best. -Exactly.
You're a disgrace to the uniform.
You know, this is your coat.
Damn.
He flew right into your head...
...like he couldn't avoid it.
Really?
Never seen that before...
...bird into a woman's head.
There's no contest. The guy had nothing.
The ship went down, he got into a lifeboat. Come on.
Boy, he didn't know what he was up against.
So when do you move into the apartment?
They're making their decision today.
-What's the matter with you? -Nothing...
...except that a bird ran into my giant freak head.
What giant freak head?
The one that sits atop my disproportionately puny body.
l'm a walking candy apple.
So it's actually gotten to you?
You're playing right into his hands.
What? Yeah, you're right.
All l have to do is call him up and sit down with him...
...and show him that it doesn't bother me.
You know, laugh it off.
Or jam a fork into his forehead.
-Either way. -All right.
-l want to apologize for-- -Oh, please.
-And l hope we can get past all this. -Past? We're way past.
-So you have a big head. -So what?
Goes well with the bump in your nose.
What?
Please, get help. There's a crazy, bigheaded woman beating some guy.
Tell the police it's the Old Mill Restaurant. Hurry.
That's some cough you got.
He's trying to tell us something.
-What is it? Trouble? -Trouble.
Trouble where? Where's trouble?
Old Mill.
Trouble at the Old Mill? Oh, my God.
Good boy. Good boy. Lead the way. Come on.
Excuse me, what are you doing in there?
l'm moving in. Alan Mercer, new neighbour.
But, what--? Elaine's '' big head'' guy?
-They gave you the apartment? -Yeah.
Why? Because you were stabbed...
...and got coffee thrown in your face and--
Oh, fork in the forehead.
That's why they gave you the apartment?
No. Just gave the super 50 bucks.
Wait a minute. That is my apartment.
l earned it with 34 years of misery.
Tough luck, chinless.