1 00:00:05,059 --> 00:00:06,128 Hey, you know what? 2 00:00:06,299 --> 00:00:08,449 lt says '' no food or drink.'' Can't take that in. 3 00:00:08,619 --> 00:00:11,417 -Just wait here. l'll be right out. -Wait a second. Come on. 4 00:00:13,339 --> 00:00:15,091 l wanna go in. 5 00:00:18,459 --> 00:00:20,017 l'm just running in. 6 00:00:22,339 --> 00:00:23,738 Come on. Come on. 7 00:00:38,619 --> 00:00:40,814 You know what? They don't have batteries here. 8 00:00:40,979 --> 00:00:42,776 Let's go. 9 00:00:49,099 --> 00:00:51,090 Hey, Georgie's moving out. 10 00:00:51,259 --> 00:00:53,090 -Get out. -l'm out. 11 00:00:53,259 --> 00:00:55,853 Fantastic apartment right across from mine. 12 00:00:56,019 --> 00:00:57,247 l can't wait for you to see. 13 00:00:57,739 --> 00:01:00,207 -ls it better than mine? -Oh, yeah. 14 00:01:00,859 --> 00:01:03,931 So it's a two-bedroom-one-bath- make-your-friends-hate-you. 15 00:01:04,099 --> 00:01:05,248 lt's better than Elaine's. 16 00:01:05,419 --> 00:01:06,932 -Gotta give her a call. -She's out. 17 00:01:07,099 --> 00:01:10,136 -Right, the blind date. -Well, they like to call it a setup now. 18 00:01:10,299 --> 00:01:13,894 l guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers. 19 00:01:14,059 --> 00:01:15,731 Come on, come check out my new place. 20 00:01:16,259 --> 00:01:19,137 l can't. l'm meeting Kramer down at my Mini Storage. 21 00:01:19,299 --> 00:01:20,573 Got any extra furniture there? 22 00:01:20,739 --> 00:01:24,129 l need some more stuff to fill that extra bedroom with a walk-in closet. 23 00:01:24,579 --> 00:01:26,251 Oh, this is really annoying. 24 00:01:27,019 --> 00:01:28,577 lt's working already. 25 00:01:32,099 --> 00:01:34,294 What is with that? 26 00:01:34,779 --> 00:01:36,212 Well, it's coughing, Jerry. 27 00:01:36,379 --> 00:01:39,974 lt expels the diseased germs out of the body into the air. 28 00:01:40,979 --> 00:01:44,176 -Where is your key? -Yeah, well, Newman-- He's got it. 29 00:01:44,339 --> 00:01:46,933 You know, Kramer, l rented out half of my space to you. 30 00:01:47,099 --> 00:01:50,091 Yeah, and l rented out half that space to Newman. 31 00:01:56,539 --> 00:01:57,733 Mailbags? 32 00:01:57,899 --> 00:01:59,332 He's storing mail in here? 33 00:01:59,499 --> 00:02:01,330 Evidently. 34 00:02:02,299 --> 00:02:03,493 Excuse me, George? 35 00:02:04,059 --> 00:02:05,333 No menus. 36 00:02:06,099 --> 00:02:09,933 No, l'm Mrs. Ricardi, president of the tenants' association. 37 00:02:10,099 --> 00:02:12,169 Oh, right. Right. Hey. 38 00:02:12,339 --> 00:02:14,614 l love the floors in here. lt's like a gymnasium. 39 00:02:14,779 --> 00:02:17,532 -Try and guard me. Come on. -No, no. 40 00:02:18,139 --> 00:02:22,655 George, unfortunately, Clarence Eldridge, in 8C... 41 00:02:22,819 --> 00:02:25,014 ...has decided that he wants the apartment. 42 00:02:25,619 --> 00:02:27,257 Yeah, but you promised it to me. 43 00:02:27,419 --> 00:02:31,731 Yes, but you see, Mr. Eldridge is an Andrea Doria survivor. 44 00:02:32,379 --> 00:02:36,008 And in light of the terrible suffering that he's already been through... 45 00:02:36,179 --> 00:02:37,976 ...we've decided to give it to him. 46 00:02:38,779 --> 00:02:40,371 Well... 47 00:02:40,539 --> 00:02:41,972 ...the Andrea Doria. 48 00:02:42,739 --> 00:02:44,058 That was quite a fire. 49 00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:46,928 -Shipwreck. -l remember it. 50 00:02:52,779 --> 00:02:56,055 Where is this guy? I hate this. 51 00:02:56,379 --> 00:02:58,734 I should have brought something to read. 52 00:03:00,699 --> 00:03:03,338 ''Cancer in laboratory animals. '' 53 00:03:04,379 --> 00:03:05,778 Excuse me. Elaine Benes? 54 00:03:05,939 --> 00:03:07,691 -Yeah? -An Alan Mercer called for you. 55 00:03:07,859 --> 00:03:10,578 He said he's sorry, but he won't be able to make it tonight. 56 00:03:10,739 --> 00:03:12,172 He's been stabbed. 57 00:03:14,739 --> 00:03:15,728 Stabbed? 58 00:03:16,539 --> 00:03:18,052 More bread? 59 00:03:22,099 --> 00:03:23,578 You ate more bread? 60 00:03:25,499 --> 00:03:26,932 That is not the point. 61 00:03:27,099 --> 00:03:28,498 The guy was stabbed. 62 00:03:28,659 --> 00:03:30,297 -You find out who stabbed him? -Yeah. 63 00:03:30,459 --> 00:03:33,098 lt turns out it was his ex-girlfriend. 64 00:03:34,299 --> 00:03:36,688 Well, you're not going near this hooligan anymore. 65 00:03:37,819 --> 00:03:39,730 l don't know. l mean, think about it, Jerry. 66 00:03:39,899 --> 00:03:42,049 There must be something exciting about this guy... 67 00:03:42,219 --> 00:03:45,814 ...if he can arouse that kind of passion. 68 00:03:47,859 --> 00:03:50,976 l mean, to be stabworthy, you know? lt's.... 69 00:03:52,379 --> 00:03:54,529 lt's kind of a compliment. 70 00:03:55,699 --> 00:03:58,611 Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one. 71 00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:01,973 Hey, how's everybody? 72 00:04:02,139 --> 00:04:03,254 -Hey. -Hey. 73 00:04:04,659 --> 00:04:07,219 There's no expiration date on this. 74 00:04:08,539 --> 00:04:09,733 There is now. 75 00:04:11,579 --> 00:04:13,968 You should get that cough checked out by a doctor. 76 00:04:14,139 --> 00:04:16,369 No, no, no. No doctors for me. 77 00:04:16,539 --> 00:04:20,578 Bunch of lackeys and yes men all toeing the company line. 78 00:04:21,139 --> 00:04:24,017 Plus they botched my vasectomy. 79 00:04:24,179 --> 00:04:26,613 -They botched it? -l'm even more potent now. 80 00:04:29,739 --> 00:04:32,094 -Hey. -Hey, how's the new place? 81 00:04:32,259 --> 00:04:33,453 Gone. 82 00:04:33,619 --> 00:04:36,213 The tenant association made me give it to this guy... 83 00:04:36,379 --> 00:04:38,529 ...because he was an Andrea Doria survivor. 84 00:04:39,219 --> 00:04:41,574 Andrea Doria? ls that the one they did the song about? 85 00:04:41,739 --> 00:04:43,297 Edmund Fitzgerald. 86 00:04:43,459 --> 00:04:46,735 l love Edmund Fitzgerald's voice. 87 00:04:47,779 --> 00:04:51,567 No, Gordon Lightfoot was the singer. Edmund Fitzgerald was the ship. 88 00:04:51,739 --> 00:04:53,730 You could fit 1 5 people in that bathroom. 89 00:04:53,899 --> 00:04:55,890 l think Gordon Lightfoot was the boat. 90 00:04:56,059 --> 00:04:58,698 Yeah, and it was rammed by the Cat Stevens. 91 00:04:59,459 --> 00:05:02,019 The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm in dense fog... 92 00:05:02,179 --> 00:05:04,898 ...1 2 miles off the coast of Nantucket. 93 00:05:08,579 --> 00:05:10,297 -How do you know? -lt's in my book: 94 00:05:10,459 --> 00:05:12,973 Astonishing Tales of the Sea. 95 00:05:14,619 --> 00:05:16,132 Fifty-one people died. 96 00:05:16,299 --> 00:05:18,415 Fifty-one people? 97 00:05:18,579 --> 00:05:20,171 That's it? 98 00:05:20,579 --> 00:05:22,376 l thought it was like a thousand. 99 00:05:22,539 --> 00:05:25,007 There were 1 660 survivors. 100 00:05:25,179 --> 00:05:27,090 That's no tragedy. 101 00:05:27,259 --> 00:05:31,332 How many people you lose on a normal cruise, 30, 40? 102 00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:32,818 Can l look at that book? 103 00:05:32,979 --> 00:05:34,935 Oh, yeah. l also got Astounding Bear Attacks. 104 00:05:35,099 --> 00:05:37,977 Before you go, did you talk to Newman about getting that mail out? 105 00:05:38,139 --> 00:05:39,857 Oh, yeah. No, he's not gonna do it. 106 00:05:47,179 --> 00:05:50,137 -Newman? -l guess. 107 00:05:50,659 --> 00:05:53,173 Listen, l want you to get the mail out of my storage unit. 108 00:05:53,339 --> 00:05:56,137 Sometimes we don't get what we want. 109 00:05:56,299 --> 00:05:59,097 -What are you talking about? -l didn't get my transfer. 110 00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:01,614 -Transfer? -To Hawaii. 111 00:06:01,779 --> 00:06:04,498 The most sought after postal route of them all. 112 00:06:04,659 --> 00:06:08,857 The air is so dewy sweet, you don't even have to lick the stamps. 113 00:06:09,299 --> 00:06:12,371 But it's not to be. So l'm hanging it up. 114 00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:15,099 -You quit the post office? -Kind of. 115 00:06:15,259 --> 00:06:18,774 l'm still collecting checks, l'm just not delivering mail. 116 00:06:20,219 --> 00:06:22,449 Well, get it out of my storage. lt's illegal. 117 00:06:22,619 --> 00:06:25,008 And yet it's perfectly legal to take a man's soul... 118 00:06:25,179 --> 00:06:27,329 ...and crush it out like a stale Pall Mall. 119 00:06:27,499 --> 00:06:29,455 Well, the law's the law. 120 00:06:34,699 --> 00:06:35,734 Hold on there, it's.... 121 00:06:35,899 --> 00:06:38,459 -lt's a nasty cough you got there. -What cough? 122 00:06:43,619 --> 00:06:45,974 l love shrimp. l'm a shrimp eater. 123 00:06:46,499 --> 00:06:50,378 You put shrimp in front of me, and l'll eat it till my stomach pops. 124 00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:55,210 No, it's okay. l'm still just a little bit jumpy. 125 00:06:55,899 --> 00:06:57,651 Between you and me... 126 00:06:57,819 --> 00:06:59,935 ...what happened there, with the stabbing? 127 00:07:00,099 --> 00:07:02,533 Just one of those things, you know. 128 00:07:02,699 --> 00:07:04,735 What, was she just so crazy in love with you... 129 00:07:04,899 --> 00:07:06,776 ...she just couldn't take it anymore, or...? 130 00:07:06,939 --> 00:07:08,691 l don't know. Could be. 131 00:07:09,339 --> 00:07:10,852 -Alan? -Carol? 132 00:07:15,179 --> 00:07:17,488 Was that the one? Was that the one who stabbed you? 133 00:07:17,659 --> 00:07:18,933 No, that was a different girl. 134 00:07:22,259 --> 00:07:24,215 There was another crazed ex-girlfriend? 135 00:07:24,379 --> 00:07:27,257 Right. So l called my friend-- You know, the one who set us up? 136 00:07:27,419 --> 00:07:30,138 l found out he's a bad breaker-upper. 137 00:07:31,139 --> 00:07:32,857 -Bad how? -You know when you break up... 138 00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:34,611 ...how you say things you don't mean? 139 00:07:34,779 --> 00:07:36,258 He says things you don't mean... 140 00:07:36,419 --> 00:07:37,693 -...but means them. -l follow. 141 00:07:37,859 --> 00:07:39,338 -What are you gonna do? -Dump him. 142 00:07:39,499 --> 00:07:41,729 l can't be with someone who doesn't break up nicely. 143 00:07:41,899 --> 00:07:44,015 That's an important part of a relationship. 144 00:07:44,179 --> 00:07:45,692 What's more important? 145 00:07:49,859 --> 00:07:51,451 Hey. 146 00:07:51,899 --> 00:07:53,810 -What's with the dog? -This is Smuckers. 147 00:07:53,979 --> 00:07:55,571 l borrowed him. 148 00:07:58,939 --> 00:08:00,736 Yeah, we share the same affliction. 149 00:08:00,899 --> 00:08:02,457 l'm gonna have a vet check us out. 150 00:08:02,619 --> 00:08:05,770 -A vet? -l'll take a vet over an MD any day. 151 00:08:05,939 --> 00:08:09,898 They gotta cure a lizard, a chicken, a pig, a frog, all on the same day. 152 00:08:10,059 --> 00:08:13,017 So if l may jump ahead... 153 00:08:13,179 --> 00:08:14,771 ...you're gonna take dog medicine? 154 00:08:14,939 --> 00:08:17,169 You bet we are. How smart is that? 155 00:08:18,379 --> 00:08:20,051 See you. 156 00:08:23,499 --> 00:08:25,171 Ahoy, Mr. Eldridge. 157 00:08:28,339 --> 00:08:30,375 l understand you were on the Andrea Doria. 158 00:08:30,539 --> 00:08:32,689 Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal. 159 00:08:32,859 --> 00:08:36,693 l tell you, l hear people really stuff themselves on those cruise ships. 160 00:08:36,859 --> 00:08:40,215 The buffet, that's the real ordeal, huh, Clarence? 161 00:08:40,379 --> 00:08:41,812 We had to abandon ship. 162 00:08:41,979 --> 00:08:45,176 Well, all vacations have to end eventually. 163 00:08:45,739 --> 00:08:46,933 The boat sank. 164 00:08:47,099 --> 00:08:49,897 According to this, it took 1 0 hours. 165 00:08:50,059 --> 00:08:53,256 lt eased into the water like an old man into a nice warm bath. No offence. 166 00:08:54,899 --> 00:08:57,333 So, Clarence, how about... 167 00:08:57,499 --> 00:09:00,059 ...abandoning this apartment and letting me shove off in it? 168 00:09:00,219 --> 00:09:01,538 ls that what this is about? 169 00:09:02,379 --> 00:09:03,732 l don't think l like you. 170 00:09:06,019 --> 00:09:08,214 lt's my apartment, Eldridge. 171 00:09:08,379 --> 00:09:11,689 The Stockholm may not have sunk you, but l will. 172 00:09:14,059 --> 00:09:15,253 What are the symptoms? 173 00:09:15,419 --> 00:09:17,933 Well, it hurts when he swallows... 174 00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:20,215 ...especially when he drinks orange juice. 175 00:09:20,379 --> 00:09:22,847 l mean, dog-food juice. 176 00:09:23,019 --> 00:09:25,089 And what's worse, he has a nagging cough. 177 00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:28,210 That's it. That's it. 178 00:09:28,659 --> 00:09:30,854 Yeah, well, we've been seeing a lot of this lately. 179 00:09:31,019 --> 00:09:32,691 Been drinking from the toilet? 180 00:09:32,859 --> 00:09:35,498 What? No. 181 00:09:36,379 --> 00:09:38,131 That's disgusting. 182 00:09:40,099 --> 00:09:41,657 So that's it? We're breaking up? 183 00:09:41,819 --> 00:09:43,013 What? Breakup? 184 00:09:43,179 --> 00:09:46,455 -We went out on one date. -Okay, yeah, sure, whatever you say. 185 00:09:47,299 --> 00:09:48,971 All right. Good, good. 186 00:09:49,139 --> 00:09:52,017 Okay, then, well.... So l'll see you around... 187 00:09:52,179 --> 00:09:53,658 ...big head. 188 00:09:54,459 --> 00:09:57,098 -Pardon? -You got a big head. 189 00:09:57,259 --> 00:09:58,612 lt's too big for your body. 190 00:10:00,539 --> 00:10:01,733 That's it? 191 00:10:03,459 --> 00:10:05,609 That's the best you got? 192 00:10:06,819 --> 00:10:09,652 So he's keeping the apartment. He doesn't deserve it, though. 193 00:10:09,819 --> 00:10:11,889 lf he did suffer, that was like 40 years ago. 194 00:10:12,059 --> 00:10:13,492 What have you done for me lately? 195 00:10:13,659 --> 00:10:17,174 l've been suffering for the past 30 years up to and including yesterday. 196 00:10:17,339 --> 00:10:19,216 lf this board is impressed with suffering... 197 00:10:19,379 --> 00:10:22,337 ...maybe you should tell them the astonishing tales of Costanza. 198 00:10:24,939 --> 00:10:28,295 -l should. -Your work in this field is unparalleled. 199 00:10:28,459 --> 00:10:30,768 l could go bummer-to-bummer with anyone on the planet. 200 00:10:30,939 --> 00:10:32,531 You're the man. 201 00:10:35,099 --> 00:10:37,897 -Jerry-- -l'll be with you in a moment. 202 00:10:39,899 --> 00:10:41,969 So you want a protein shake or something? 203 00:10:42,459 --> 00:10:44,256 l guess l should get moving on this, huh? 204 00:10:44,419 --> 00:10:46,330 -l'm gonna go. -All right. 205 00:10:48,379 --> 00:10:49,528 Hello, Newman. 206 00:10:49,699 --> 00:10:51,849 -That mail, where is it? -What's the difference? 207 00:10:52,019 --> 00:10:53,975 The guy with the Hawaii transfer got busted... 208 00:10:54,139 --> 00:10:56,095 ...for hoarding Victoria's Secret catalogs. 209 00:10:57,379 --> 00:10:58,858 l gotta deliver that mail. 210 00:10:59,019 --> 00:11:00,850 Well, go ahead. There's eight bags of it. 211 00:11:01,019 --> 00:11:02,418 Blast. 212 00:11:02,579 --> 00:11:06,652 There's no way l can handle eight in addition to my usual load of one. 213 00:11:07,379 --> 00:11:09,017 l'll never get to Hawaii. 214 00:11:09,179 --> 00:11:11,568 l'll be stuck in this apartment building forever. 215 00:11:12,139 --> 00:11:13,777 The dream is dead. 216 00:11:13,939 --> 00:11:16,612 -You're giving up that easy? -l usually do. 217 00:11:17,979 --> 00:11:19,458 -See you. -Wait a minute, Newman. 218 00:11:19,619 --> 00:11:21,177 You can't let this dream die. 219 00:11:21,339 --> 00:11:23,569 You moving away is my dream too. 220 00:11:26,699 --> 00:11:28,655 -What are you proposing? -Whatever it takes... 221 00:11:28,819 --> 00:11:31,014 ...for as long as it takes, wherever it takes me... 222 00:11:31,179 --> 00:11:33,454 ...so long as it takes you away from me. 223 00:11:33,619 --> 00:11:36,053 -An alliance? -An alliance. 224 00:11:38,619 --> 00:11:40,655 Now get the hell out of here. 225 00:11:45,499 --> 00:11:48,616 Hawaii? That's why you're helping Newman with the mail? 226 00:11:48,779 --> 00:11:51,213 Elaine, Newman is my sworn enemy... 227 00:11:51,379 --> 00:11:55,452 ...and he lives down the hall from my home. My home, Elaine. 228 00:11:55,619 --> 00:11:58,770 Where l sleep, where l come to play with my toys. 229 00:11:59,259 --> 00:12:00,931 Well, anyway, get this... 230 00:12:01,139 --> 00:12:02,333 ...l spoke to Alan. 231 00:12:02,499 --> 00:12:04,729 You know, l told him l didn't wanna see him anymore. 232 00:12:04,899 --> 00:12:06,412 Called me big head. 233 00:12:06,579 --> 00:12:07,807 Big head? 234 00:12:07,979 --> 00:12:09,571 lt's almost a compliment. 235 00:12:10,619 --> 00:12:13,611 lt's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. 236 00:12:16,539 --> 00:12:18,291 -Hello? Hey, George. -Hey. 237 00:12:18,459 --> 00:12:21,292 -Yeah, listen, l can't make it later. -You can't make it? 238 00:12:21,459 --> 00:12:24,849 Yeah, the tenant association has decided to hear my side of the story... 239 00:12:25,019 --> 00:12:27,010 ...so l gotta kind of get ready. l'll see you. 240 00:12:27,179 --> 00:12:28,532 All right. 241 00:12:28,699 --> 00:12:31,736 -ls he not gonna go? -Doesn't look like it's gonna happen. 242 00:12:33,059 --> 00:12:35,892 -All right, well, l'll see you. -All right. 243 00:12:39,859 --> 00:12:42,009 Kramer, aren't you taking any medication for that? 244 00:12:42,179 --> 00:12:44,295 Yeah. Yeah, l got some pills. 245 00:12:44,459 --> 00:12:45,812 They taste terrible. 246 00:12:47,059 --> 00:12:49,857 -Just swallow them. -Oh, my throat's too tender. 247 00:12:50,019 --> 00:12:51,930 -All right, sit down. -l don't want to. 248 00:12:52,099 --> 00:12:54,488 -Come on. Just sit down. -No, Jerry. What--? 249 00:12:54,659 --> 00:12:55,808 -Lay down. -Why? 250 00:12:55,979 --> 00:12:57,890 -Sit down. Lean your head back. -Hey! 251 00:12:58,059 --> 00:12:59,572 Open your mouth. Open your mouth. 252 00:12:59,739 --> 00:13:02,207 Open it. Open it. 253 00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:15,127 What kind of pills are these anyway? 254 00:13:15,299 --> 00:13:16,698 '' For Smuckers''? 255 00:13:18,259 --> 00:13:21,695 '' May cause panting and loss of fur''? 256 00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:24,652 These are dog pills. 257 00:13:24,819 --> 00:13:26,252 We had the same symptoms. 258 00:13:26,419 --> 00:13:28,853 But he's a dog. You need to see a real doctor. 259 00:13:29,019 --> 00:13:30,213 No. No doctors. 260 00:13:30,379 --> 00:13:31,892 All right. 261 00:13:32,499 --> 00:13:33,648 Where are you going? 262 00:13:33,819 --> 00:13:36,049 l'm taking the car. l gotta run errands. Wanna go? 263 00:13:36,219 --> 00:13:37,413 l don't know. 264 00:13:37,579 --> 00:13:39,729 Come on, you wanna go for a ride, huh? 265 00:13:40,219 --> 00:13:42,813 Come on. Come on. Yeah. 266 00:13:48,739 --> 00:13:50,695 Lady, could you move your head a little bit? 267 00:13:50,859 --> 00:13:53,817 -What? -Your head. l can't see out the back. 268 00:13:56,179 --> 00:13:58,010 Little more. 269 00:13:59,739 --> 00:14:01,650 Little more. 270 00:14:05,179 --> 00:14:06,771 Thank you. 271 00:14:09,619 --> 00:14:11,928 l don't see any tissues back here. 272 00:14:12,259 --> 00:14:13,453 Wait a minute. 273 00:14:13,619 --> 00:14:16,053 This isn't the way to the park. 274 00:14:16,219 --> 00:14:17,447 Where are we going? 275 00:14:17,979 --> 00:14:20,334 l recognize this block. 276 00:14:20,859 --> 00:14:22,372 You're taking me to the doctor. 277 00:14:24,179 --> 00:14:26,409 So, Mom, Dad... 278 00:14:26,619 --> 00:14:28,416 ...l was hoping that you could help me... 279 00:14:28,579 --> 00:14:31,252 ...to remember my childhood a little more clearly. 280 00:14:31,419 --> 00:14:34,331 l feel a draft. Let's change tables. 281 00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:36,057 Get out of here. We have a booth. 282 00:14:36,619 --> 00:14:38,530 Frank, l'm cold. 283 00:14:38,739 --> 00:14:40,377 Order a hot dish. 284 00:14:41,499 --> 00:14:43,410 Why can't we sit over there? 285 00:14:43,579 --> 00:14:46,935 -That's not a booth. -Who says we have to sit in a booth? 286 00:14:47,099 --> 00:14:50,296 l didn't take the subway to New York to sit at a table like that! 287 00:14:50,499 --> 00:14:53,491 Well, l didn't take a subway to be in a drafty restaurant! 288 00:14:53,659 --> 00:14:55,138 Mom-- 289 00:14:55,299 --> 00:14:58,052 Now, George, what do you wanna know about your childhood? 290 00:14:58,939 --> 00:15:01,612 Actually, l think l'm pretty clear on it. 291 00:15:02,939 --> 00:15:05,248 Where's that breeze coming from? 292 00:15:05,659 --> 00:15:07,809 -Kramer, out of the car. Out now. -No, Jerry. 293 00:15:07,979 --> 00:15:10,049 -All right. That's it. Come on. -No. Jerry. 294 00:15:12,659 --> 00:15:15,127 Hey. Hey, get back over here. Kramer. 295 00:15:15,299 --> 00:15:17,017 Get over here. You are bad. 296 00:15:17,179 --> 00:15:18,817 Bad neighbour. 297 00:15:18,979 --> 00:15:20,492 Kramer. 298 00:15:22,139 --> 00:15:26,098 Just then a rescue ship emerged from the fog and saved us. 299 00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:27,612 lt was-- 300 00:15:30,899 --> 00:15:33,493 lt was the sweetest sight my eyes ever saw. 301 00:15:34,379 --> 00:15:36,131 Thank you, Mr. Eldridge. 302 00:15:36,499 --> 00:15:39,730 The tenant board will now hear Mr. Costanza's testimony. 303 00:15:46,619 --> 00:15:48,132 How'd it go? Get it all delivered? 304 00:15:48,539 --> 00:15:51,133 -What happened? -Kramer bit me. 305 00:15:54,699 --> 00:15:56,576 -Bit you? -We had an argument about me... 306 00:15:56,739 --> 00:16:00,015 ...moving to Hawaii and he locked on to my ankle like it was a soup bone. 307 00:16:01,539 --> 00:16:03,734 l'm hobbled. l don't think l can do my route. 308 00:16:03,899 --> 00:16:06,288 And they're awarding the transfer in two days. 309 00:16:06,459 --> 00:16:08,370 -Well, what if l delivered it? -You? 310 00:16:11,699 --> 00:16:14,418 -You can't deliver mail. -Why not? 311 00:16:16,219 --> 00:16:19,177 You're right. lt's just walking around and putting it in the boxes. 312 00:16:19,339 --> 00:16:22,934 -Well, what am l gonna wear? -My uniform from my rookie year. 313 00:16:23,099 --> 00:16:25,488 l can't believe l'm gonna be a mailman. 314 00:16:28,979 --> 00:16:31,573 Here you go. Merry Christmas. 315 00:16:31,739 --> 00:16:32,933 Mail on Sunday? 316 00:16:46,659 --> 00:16:51,175 l was handcuffed to the bed in my underwear... 317 00:16:51,339 --> 00:16:52,533 ...where l remained for.... 318 00:16:52,699 --> 00:16:54,929 She certainly seemed interested in me. 319 00:16:55,099 --> 00:16:58,887 Though she was attractive, she was also, in fact, a Nazi. 320 00:16:59,059 --> 00:17:03,974 The water that l had been swimming in was very cold... 321 00:17:04,379 --> 00:17:08,770 ...and when l dropped the towel there had been significant shrinkage. 322 00:17:09,499 --> 00:17:11,569 My parents were looking at me. 323 00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:13,695 So there l was... 324 00:17:14,459 --> 00:17:17,337 ...with the marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole. 325 00:17:17,499 --> 00:17:19,808 ln closing, these stories have not been embellished... 326 00:17:19,979 --> 00:17:21,810 ...because they need no embellishment. 327 00:17:22,299 --> 00:17:25,450 They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life... 328 00:17:25,619 --> 00:17:29,692 ...as a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man. 329 00:17:30,219 --> 00:17:31,652 Thank you. 330 00:17:33,939 --> 00:17:35,611 Oh, also... 331 00:17:35,779 --> 00:17:39,613 ...my fiancée died from licking toxic envelopes that l picked out. 332 00:17:39,779 --> 00:17:41,451 Thanks again. 333 00:17:48,219 --> 00:17:51,017 Hey, l've been trying to jam stuff in the box like you told me... 334 00:17:51,179 --> 00:17:53,613 ...but sometimes it says, '' Photographs: Do not bend.'' 335 00:17:53,779 --> 00:17:55,690 Do not bend. 336 00:17:56,859 --> 00:18:00,169 Just crease, crumple, cram. You'll do fine. 337 00:18:03,419 --> 00:18:04,898 Hello? 338 00:18:05,339 --> 00:18:06,852 This is he. 339 00:18:07,539 --> 00:18:09,370 l don't understand. 340 00:18:11,419 --> 00:18:12,693 Very well. 341 00:18:13,499 --> 00:18:14,488 What? 342 00:18:14,659 --> 00:18:17,492 That was the vice president of the post office. 343 00:18:19,019 --> 00:18:20,850 l didn't get the transfer. 344 00:18:21,019 --> 00:18:23,579 They knew it wasn't me doing my route. 345 00:18:23,739 --> 00:18:24,888 How did they know? 346 00:18:25,059 --> 00:18:27,619 Too many people got their mail. 347 00:18:27,779 --> 00:18:29,371 Close to 80 percent. 348 00:18:29,539 --> 00:18:32,770 Nobody from the post office has ever cracked the 50-percent barrier. 349 00:18:32,939 --> 00:18:34,577 lt's like the three-minute mile. 350 00:18:34,739 --> 00:18:37,731 -l tried my best. -Exactly. 351 00:18:37,899 --> 00:18:40,288 You're a disgrace to the uniform. 352 00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:47,251 You know, this is your coat. 353 00:18:47,539 --> 00:18:49,097 Damn. 354 00:18:56,499 --> 00:18:58,615 He flew right into your head... 355 00:18:58,779 --> 00:19:00,337 ...like he couldn't avoid it. 356 00:19:00,939 --> 00:19:02,338 Really? 357 00:19:02,499 --> 00:19:04,455 Never seen that before... 358 00:19:04,619 --> 00:19:06,814 ...bird into a woman's head. 359 00:19:12,859 --> 00:19:15,134 There's no contest. The guy had nothing. 360 00:19:15,299 --> 00:19:19,292 The ship went down, he got into a lifeboat. Come on. 361 00:19:19,459 --> 00:19:21,609 Boy, he didn't know what he was up against. 362 00:19:22,259 --> 00:19:24,090 So when do you move into the apartment? 363 00:19:24,259 --> 00:19:26,773 They're making their decision today. 364 00:19:28,899 --> 00:19:30,969 -What's the matter with you? -Nothing... 365 00:19:31,139 --> 00:19:35,530 ...except that a bird ran into my giant freak head. 366 00:19:37,859 --> 00:19:39,133 What giant freak head? 367 00:19:39,299 --> 00:19:43,770 The one that sits atop my disproportionately puny body. 368 00:19:44,779 --> 00:19:47,452 l'm a walking candy apple. 369 00:19:50,019 --> 00:19:52,055 So it's actually gotten to you? 370 00:19:52,219 --> 00:19:54,779 You're playing right into his hands. 371 00:19:54,939 --> 00:19:57,897 What? Yeah, you're right. 372 00:19:58,499 --> 00:20:01,775 All l have to do is call him up and sit down with him... 373 00:20:01,939 --> 00:20:03,850 ...and show him that it doesn't bother me. 374 00:20:04,019 --> 00:20:05,611 You know, laugh it off. 375 00:20:05,779 --> 00:20:07,497 Or jam a fork into his forehead. 376 00:20:08,299 --> 00:20:09,937 -Either way. -All right. 377 00:20:13,099 --> 00:20:15,454 -l want to apologize for-- -Oh, please. 378 00:20:15,619 --> 00:20:18,338 -And l hope we can get past all this. -Past? We're way past. 379 00:20:18,499 --> 00:20:20,854 -So you have a big head. -So what? 380 00:20:21,019 --> 00:20:23,374 Goes well with the bump in your nose. 381 00:20:24,459 --> 00:20:25,528 What? 382 00:20:27,379 --> 00:20:31,338 Please, get help. There's a crazy, bigheaded woman beating some guy. 383 00:20:31,499 --> 00:20:34,775 Tell the police it's the Old Mill Restaurant. Hurry. 384 00:20:44,499 --> 00:20:46,490 That's some cough you got. 385 00:20:46,659 --> 00:20:48,297 He's trying to tell us something. 386 00:20:48,459 --> 00:20:50,529 -What is it? Trouble? -Trouble. 387 00:20:50,699 --> 00:20:52,212 Trouble where? Where's trouble? 388 00:20:52,379 --> 00:20:54,370 Old Mill. 389 00:20:54,539 --> 00:20:56,575 Trouble at the Old Mill? Oh, my God. 390 00:20:56,739 --> 00:20:58,855 Good boy. Good boy. Lead the way. Come on. 391 00:21:09,819 --> 00:21:12,253 Excuse me, what are you doing in there? 392 00:21:12,419 --> 00:21:15,138 l'm moving in. Alan Mercer, new neighbour. 393 00:21:15,299 --> 00:21:17,130 But, what--? Elaine's '' big head'' guy? 394 00:21:17,899 --> 00:21:20,049 -They gave you the apartment? -Yeah. 395 00:21:20,219 --> 00:21:22,335 Why? Because you were stabbed... 396 00:21:22,539 --> 00:21:24,416 ...and got coffee thrown in your face and-- 397 00:21:24,579 --> 00:21:26,649 Oh, fork in the forehead. 398 00:21:27,259 --> 00:21:28,931 That's why they gave you the apartment? 399 00:21:29,099 --> 00:21:31,567 No. Just gave the super 50 bucks. 400 00:21:32,259 --> 00:21:33,772 Wait a minute. That is my apartment. 401 00:21:33,939 --> 00:21:36,453 l earned it with 34 years of misery. 402 00:21:36,619 --> 00:21:37,813 Tough luck, chinless.