1 00:00:04,997 --> 00:00:07,465 -The last president to have a beard? -Nixon. 2 00:00:07,637 --> 00:00:10,356 -No, l mean a real thick beard. -His was thick. 3 00:00:10,517 --> 00:00:13,589 No, l mean like a full, long beard, like Smith Brothers Cough Drops. 4 00:00:13,757 --> 00:00:14,746 Falkmore. 5 00:00:14,917 --> 00:00:17,636 -Who? -Artemis N. Falkmore. 6 00:00:17,797 --> 00:00:19,355 -You made that up, right? -Yeah. 7 00:00:19,517 --> 00:00:21,394 -But it sounds like a president name? -Yeah. 8 00:00:21,557 --> 00:00:23,149 Why do presidents all have bad names? 9 00:00:23,317 --> 00:00:24,670 Woodrow, Grover, Millard. 10 00:00:24,837 --> 00:00:26,828 The presidency attracts the badly named. 11 00:00:26,997 --> 00:00:28,988 Their ambition is based on personal insecurity. 12 00:00:29,157 --> 00:00:30,795 lt's classic male overcompensation. 13 00:00:30,957 --> 00:00:33,630 Are you wearing lifts in those shoes? 14 00:00:34,597 --> 00:00:36,155 Cab. 15 00:00:40,997 --> 00:00:43,557 So they have this clock now, where you punch in your age... 16 00:00:43,717 --> 00:00:45,469 ...and all your risk factors... 17 00:00:45,637 --> 00:00:48,674 ...and it actually counts down how much time you have left to live. 18 00:00:48,837 --> 00:00:50,668 What's the great moment? On your deathbed. 19 00:00:50,837 --> 00:00:54,352 They're pounding on your chest, and you're going: ''Ten, nine, eight-- 20 00:00:54,517 --> 00:00:56,348 l told you this thing was good.'' 21 00:00:57,357 --> 00:01:00,110 -l can't believe this is our first date. -l know. Dessert? 22 00:01:00,277 --> 00:01:02,507 l suppose l have to get a piece of cake. 23 00:01:02,677 --> 00:01:05,635 -Why? -Today is my birthday. 24 00:01:05,797 --> 00:01:07,594 What? Today? 25 00:01:07,757 --> 00:01:08,872 -Really? -Yep. 26 00:01:20,157 --> 00:01:23,547 So she went out with you on a first date and it was her birthday? 27 00:01:23,717 --> 00:01:25,947 Yeah, and she picked the day. 28 00:01:26,117 --> 00:01:27,596 ls she socially... 29 00:01:27,797 --> 00:01:29,116 ...awkward? 30 00:01:29,277 --> 00:01:30,471 No, she's great. 31 00:01:30,637 --> 00:01:33,435 -She's attractive and fun. -Well, maybe she decided... 32 00:01:33,597 --> 00:01:36,270 ...to celebrate her birthday on the Monday after the weekend. 33 00:01:36,437 --> 00:01:38,792 She's not Lincoln. 34 00:01:39,477 --> 00:01:40,796 Hey. 35 00:01:41,397 --> 00:01:42,955 Anybody up for Lorenzo's pizza? 36 00:01:43,117 --> 00:01:44,994 -l'll pass. -Oh, really? 37 00:01:45,157 --> 00:01:47,990 Hey, George. Pizza. 38 00:01:48,157 --> 00:01:50,227 l can't. l gotta go down to the foundation. 39 00:01:50,397 --> 00:01:54,185 l'm interviewing high schoolers for the Susan Ross Scholarship. 40 00:01:54,797 --> 00:01:56,913 Does it ever bother you that this organization... 41 00:01:57,077 --> 00:01:58,590 -Nope. -...is beating the bushes... 42 00:01:58,757 --> 00:02:01,715 -No. -...to basically give this money away... 43 00:02:01,877 --> 00:02:03,469 -No. -...to virtually anyone... 44 00:02:03,637 --> 00:02:05,389 ...as long as they're not you? 45 00:02:05,557 --> 00:02:06,831 l'm fine with it. 46 00:02:06,997 --> 00:02:08,828 Fine, l say. 47 00:02:11,837 --> 00:02:15,386 And then l received a 7 40 on the English Achievement Test. 48 00:02:15,557 --> 00:02:17,548 Quick, what's your favourite animal? 49 00:02:18,597 --> 00:02:21,395 l don't know. Frog? 50 00:02:22,277 --> 00:02:23,471 Frog? 51 00:02:24,037 --> 00:02:26,790 -Well, l-- -Frog is wrong. 52 00:02:28,437 --> 00:02:30,507 l see here that you play the harp. 53 00:02:31,197 --> 00:02:33,836 Tell me, why do they have to tilt it? 54 00:02:35,277 --> 00:02:37,108 Can't they just build it on an angle? 55 00:02:37,277 --> 00:02:38,835 Save you a lot of trouble. 56 00:02:38,997 --> 00:02:42,034 Well, the modern-day harp has been refined over thousands of years... 57 00:02:42,197 --> 00:02:45,269 -...back to-- -Yeah, yeah, we'll let you know. 58 00:02:46,957 --> 00:02:50,427 l see your GPA is 4.0. 59 00:02:50,597 --> 00:02:52,189 You like that, don't you? 60 00:02:54,717 --> 00:02:58,756 So, Steven, l see you're president of the chess club. 61 00:02:59,517 --> 00:03:01,075 State champs. 62 00:03:01,717 --> 00:03:03,389 Who's your favourite chess player? 63 00:03:05,717 --> 00:03:07,469 Nastercoff? 64 00:03:11,477 --> 00:03:12,910 Right. 65 00:03:13,077 --> 00:03:14,749 Nastercoff. 66 00:03:17,557 --> 00:03:19,115 What country is he from again? 67 00:03:20,277 --> 00:03:22,154 l don't know. 68 00:03:23,157 --> 00:03:24,875 l made it up. 69 00:03:25,317 --> 00:03:26,796 l'm never gonna get this thing. 70 00:03:28,237 --> 00:03:29,590 What are you telling me for? 71 00:03:29,757 --> 00:03:31,907 You really had me going there. 72 00:03:32,077 --> 00:03:34,272 Come on, sit down. 73 00:03:36,637 --> 00:03:38,355 What do you want to do when you grow up? 74 00:03:38,917 --> 00:03:42,592 Well, l've been telling people that l'd like to be an architect. 75 00:03:47,797 --> 00:03:51,233 So get this, Mr. Peterman is finally letting me do some real writing. 76 00:03:51,397 --> 00:03:53,547 He's got this book deal for his autobiography. 77 00:03:53,717 --> 00:03:55,275 He's gonna let me ghostwrite it. 78 00:03:55,437 --> 00:03:57,075 Wow, that's great. When it comes out... 79 00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,626 ...l'll have to get someone to ghost-read it. 80 00:03:59,797 --> 00:04:00,946 -Hey. Oh, hi. -Hey. 81 00:04:01,117 --> 00:04:02,914 -Hey. -So there l am at Lorenzo's... 82 00:04:03,077 --> 00:04:06,467 ...loading up my slice at the fixings bar. 83 00:04:06,637 --> 00:04:09,310 Garlic and whatnot. 84 00:04:09,997 --> 00:04:11,953 When l see this guy over at the pizza boxes... 85 00:04:12,117 --> 00:04:14,347 ...giving me the stink eye. 86 00:04:16,317 --> 00:04:19,354 So l give him the crook eye back, you know? 87 00:04:21,397 --> 00:04:23,149 And l notice that he's not alone. 88 00:04:23,317 --> 00:04:26,275 l'm taking on the entire Van Buren Boys. 89 00:04:26,437 --> 00:04:27,665 -Van Buren Boys? -Yeah. 90 00:04:27,837 --> 00:04:30,590 There's a street gang named after President Martin Van Buren? 91 00:04:30,757 --> 00:04:33,430 Oh, yeah, and they're just as mean as he was. 92 00:04:33,597 --> 00:04:35,713 So l make a move to the door, you know? 93 00:04:35,877 --> 00:04:37,071 They block it. 94 00:04:37,237 --> 00:04:40,309 So l lunge for the bathroom. l grab the knob. 95 00:04:40,477 --> 00:04:42,069 Occupied. 96 00:04:43,997 --> 00:04:47,785 Then they back me up against the cartoon map of ltaly... 97 00:04:47,957 --> 00:04:50,835 ...and all of a sudden they just stop. 98 00:04:50,997 --> 00:04:52,396 What? What happened? 99 00:04:52,557 --> 00:04:55,913 Because l'm still holding the garlic shaker, like this: 100 00:04:56,077 --> 00:04:57,556 l'm only showing eight fingers. 101 00:04:57,717 --> 00:05:00,948 -Well, what does that mean? -That's their secret sign. 102 00:05:02,477 --> 00:05:05,867 See, Van Buren, he was the eighth president. 103 00:05:06,037 --> 00:05:07,948 They thought l was a former Van B Boy. 104 00:05:10,037 --> 00:05:13,154 -How was the pizza? -lt was a little oily. 105 00:05:14,997 --> 00:05:17,716 Jerry, can you hold on a sec? l just wanna check my messages. 106 00:05:20,277 --> 00:05:21,471 Oh, Melissa, Kim. 107 00:05:22,037 --> 00:05:24,426 -Ellen. -Hey. l want you to meet Jerry. 108 00:05:24,597 --> 00:05:27,714 Oh, we've heard a lot about you. 109 00:05:28,757 --> 00:05:31,225 lt is so sweet of you to take her out. 110 00:05:31,397 --> 00:05:33,547 Yeah, you don't even know how much she needs this. 111 00:05:33,717 --> 00:05:35,275 ls she coming off a bad breakup? 112 00:05:35,437 --> 00:05:36,586 No. 113 00:05:36,757 --> 00:05:38,236 See you. 114 00:05:41,237 --> 00:05:44,274 -Get your messages? -Yeah. No one called. 115 00:05:46,997 --> 00:05:49,716 They acted like it was some act of charity, going out with her. 116 00:05:49,877 --> 00:05:51,708 So she's the loser of the group. 117 00:05:51,877 --> 00:05:54,994 Every group has someone that they all make fun of. 118 00:05:55,157 --> 00:05:57,352 Like us with Elaine. 119 00:06:02,197 --> 00:06:04,586 There's no way Ellen is the loser of that group. 120 00:06:04,757 --> 00:06:07,476 Are you looking deep down at the real person underneath? 121 00:06:07,637 --> 00:06:10,595 No, l'm being as superficial as l possibly can. 122 00:06:11,837 --> 00:06:14,067 -Well, stick with it. -Yeah. 123 00:06:14,237 --> 00:06:16,467 -l found someone for the scholarship. -Yeah? 124 00:06:16,637 --> 00:06:19,834 l'm interviewing all these annoying little overachievers... 125 00:06:19,997 --> 00:06:23,353 ...and finally this kid walks in, Steven Koren, a regular guy. 126 00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:25,473 Likes sports, watches TV. 127 00:06:25,637 --> 00:06:28,913 -ls he smart? -He knows how to read. 128 00:06:29,957 --> 00:06:34,109 And he also knows that finishing an entire book doesn't prove anything. 129 00:06:34,277 --> 00:06:35,551 But get this: 130 00:06:35,717 --> 00:06:37,150 He's into architecture. 131 00:06:37,317 --> 00:06:39,785 Hey, just like you pretend to be. 132 00:06:41,637 --> 00:06:44,026 Yes, with a little guidance... 133 00:06:44,197 --> 00:06:47,428 ...Steven Koren is going to be everything l claim to be, only for real. 134 00:06:49,077 --> 00:06:50,476 That's my dream, Jerry. 135 00:06:50,637 --> 00:06:54,915 l had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me. 136 00:07:01,397 --> 00:07:04,434 Mr. Peterman, thanks for having me over. l-- 137 00:07:04,997 --> 00:07:07,113 Your place isn't quite what l imagined. 138 00:07:07,277 --> 00:07:10,428 Oh, it's just a place to flop. 139 00:07:11,557 --> 00:07:15,072 Well, what part of your life do you want to start with? 140 00:07:15,237 --> 00:07:17,797 Foreign intrigue? Exotic romances? 141 00:07:17,957 --> 00:07:20,915 Oh, Elaine, we've covered all of that in the catalog, ad nauseam. 142 00:07:21,077 --> 00:07:24,194 No, l would like this book to be about my day-to-day life. 143 00:07:25,877 --> 00:07:28,152 Oh, damn, they changed the cable stations again... 144 00:07:28,317 --> 00:07:30,831 ...just when l finally memorized them. 145 00:07:31,757 --> 00:07:33,987 -Well, Mr. Peterman, do you want to--? -Two: CBS. 146 00:07:34,157 --> 00:07:36,512 -Get started? -Three.... 147 00:07:36,677 --> 00:07:38,952 l don't know what that is. 148 00:07:39,797 --> 00:07:42,152 Where's my damn preview channel? 149 00:07:43,957 --> 00:07:46,391 Well, l gotta tell you, Mr. Peterman... 150 00:07:46,557 --> 00:07:49,196 ...l don't know if l see a whole book here. 151 00:07:49,797 --> 00:07:52,186 Well, l'm sure we'll come up with something. 152 00:07:52,357 --> 00:07:54,996 What do you say you and l order ourselves a pie? 153 00:07:55,157 --> 00:07:56,556 Do you like Lorenzo's? 154 00:07:57,797 --> 00:08:01,870 A friend of mine almost got beat up at that place by the Van Buren Boys. 155 00:08:02,037 --> 00:08:03,186 -You don't say? -Yeah. 156 00:08:03,357 --> 00:08:04,836 The only thing that saved him is... 157 00:08:04,997 --> 00:08:07,147 ...he accidentally flashed their secret gang sign. 158 00:08:07,597 --> 00:08:09,189 -Well, that's pretty exciting. -Yeah. 159 00:08:09,357 --> 00:08:11,313 Let's put that in the book. 160 00:08:13,317 --> 00:08:15,228 But that didn't happen to you. 161 00:08:15,397 --> 00:08:19,231 Well, so we pay off your friend, and it becomes a Peterman. 162 00:08:20,717 --> 00:08:22,787 No, l really don't think you can do that. 163 00:08:22,957 --> 00:08:27,633 Oh, damn, l forgot to buy plant food again. 164 00:08:28,117 --> 00:08:31,029 l'll bet l got a coupon for it. 165 00:08:32,717 --> 00:08:35,106 You know what? Maybe l better talk to my friend. 166 00:08:40,037 --> 00:08:42,505 ls that the same outfit you were wearing yesterday? 167 00:08:42,677 --> 00:08:44,986 No, this is brand-new. Do you like it? 168 00:08:45,157 --> 00:08:46,670 Actually, yeah. 169 00:08:49,557 --> 00:08:52,867 Wait a second. ls that the fork that fell on the floor? 170 00:08:53,037 --> 00:08:56,347 Are you using the fork that fell on the floor? 171 00:08:56,517 --> 00:08:58,951 No, Jerry, the waitress gave me another one. 172 00:08:59,117 --> 00:09:01,392 l guess that's all right. 173 00:09:01,557 --> 00:09:06,233 -ls something wrong, Jerry? -No, absolutely nothing. 174 00:09:06,797 --> 00:09:08,435 You're fantastic. 175 00:09:09,517 --> 00:09:10,745 -Hey, guys. -Hey. 176 00:09:10,917 --> 00:09:12,748 Kramer, George, this is Ellen. 177 00:09:18,277 --> 00:09:21,349 Ladies and gentlemen, l am happy to introduce you... 178 00:09:21,517 --> 00:09:24,395 ...to the first Susan Ross Scholar. 179 00:09:24,557 --> 00:09:25,672 This... 180 00:09:25,837 --> 00:09:27,395 ...is Steven Koren. 181 00:09:28,477 --> 00:09:32,026 His GPA is a solid 2.0. 182 00:09:33,117 --> 00:09:35,677 Right in that meaty part of the curve. 183 00:09:35,837 --> 00:09:38,431 Not showing off, not falling behind. 184 00:09:38,597 --> 00:09:40,747 George, the qualifications for this scholarship... 185 00:09:40,917 --> 00:09:43,272 ...were supposed to be largely academic. 186 00:09:43,477 --> 00:09:45,388 l'm sure we're all aware of the flaws... 187 00:09:45,557 --> 00:09:47,627 ...and biases of standardized tests. 188 00:09:47,797 --> 00:09:50,789 These aren't standardized tests. These are his grades. 189 00:09:50,957 --> 00:09:54,506 Besides, Steven Koren has the highest of aspirations. 190 00:09:54,677 --> 00:09:56,747 He wants to be... 191 00:09:57,237 --> 00:09:58,829 ...an architect. 192 00:09:58,997 --> 00:10:00,191 ls that right? 193 00:10:00,357 --> 00:10:03,235 Actually, maybe l could set my sights a little bit higher. 194 00:10:03,397 --> 00:10:06,912 Steven, nothing is higher than architect. 195 00:10:07,517 --> 00:10:09,826 l think l'd really like to be a city planner. 196 00:10:09,997 --> 00:10:13,034 Why limit myself to one building when l can design a whole city? 197 00:10:13,197 --> 00:10:15,028 -Well, that's a good point. -No, it's not. 198 00:10:15,197 --> 00:10:17,267 lsn't an architect just an art school dropout... 199 00:10:17,437 --> 00:10:19,393 ...with a tilting desk and a big ruler? 200 00:10:19,557 --> 00:10:21,707 lt's called a T-square. 201 00:10:22,157 --> 00:10:25,354 You know, the stupidest guy in my fraternity became an architect... 202 00:10:25,517 --> 00:10:27,473 ...after he flunked out of dental school. 203 00:10:29,237 --> 00:10:30,636 Congratulations, young man. 204 00:10:30,837 --> 00:10:32,907 Susan would be very proud of what you're doing. 205 00:10:33,077 --> 00:10:34,430 Thank you. 206 00:10:36,117 --> 00:10:39,154 And they made it their sign because Van Buren, our eighth president... 207 00:10:39,317 --> 00:10:41,148 ...was the man they most admired. 208 00:10:42,717 --> 00:10:46,505 Kramer, my friend, that is one ripping good yarn. 209 00:10:48,757 --> 00:10:51,476 You know, if you liked that one, l got more. 210 00:10:52,237 --> 00:10:53,386 What are you looking for? 211 00:10:53,557 --> 00:10:56,230 Romance? Comedy? Adventure? 212 00:10:56,397 --> 00:10:58,194 Erotica? 213 00:10:58,837 --> 00:11:00,031 No, Kramer, l don't think-- 214 00:11:00,197 --> 00:11:03,030 How much would you take for the whole lot? 215 00:11:04,637 --> 00:11:07,105 -My whole life? -Name your price, man. 216 00:11:08,117 --> 00:11:09,311 $1 500. 217 00:11:10,317 --> 00:11:12,706 -l'll give you half that. -Done. 218 00:11:12,877 --> 00:11:15,311 Kramer, my friend, you consider Elaine at your disposal. 219 00:11:15,917 --> 00:11:17,555 Okay. 220 00:11:17,717 --> 00:11:18,945 Well, l.... 221 00:11:19,117 --> 00:11:21,551 l like to work in the evenings. 222 00:11:28,997 --> 00:11:32,353 Would you please just get on with the stupid Bob Sacamano story? 223 00:11:32,517 --> 00:11:35,554 Well, l'm on the phone with Bob, and l realize right then and there... 224 00:11:35,717 --> 00:11:39,551 ...that l need to return this pair of pants. So l'm off to the store. 225 00:11:39,717 --> 00:11:41,275 What happened to Bob Sacamano? 226 00:11:41,437 --> 00:11:43,905 Well, nothing. His part of the story is done. 227 00:11:46,237 --> 00:11:48,114 l'm waiting for the subway. lt's not coming. 228 00:11:48,277 --> 00:11:50,029 l decided to hoof it through the tunnel. 229 00:11:50,197 --> 00:11:51,550 Well, now, that's something. 230 00:11:51,717 --> 00:11:53,628 l don't know if l lost track of time or what. 231 00:11:53,797 --> 00:11:56,231 -The next thing l knew-- -A train is bearing down on you? 232 00:11:56,397 --> 00:11:58,627 No, l slipped and fell in mud... 233 00:11:58,797 --> 00:12:02,836 ...ruining the very pants l was about to return. 234 00:12:04,597 --> 00:12:06,349 l don't understand. 235 00:12:06,517 --> 00:12:09,634 You were wearing the pants you were returning? 236 00:12:10,277 --> 00:12:12,233 Well, l guess l was. 237 00:12:12,837 --> 00:12:15,556 What were you gonna wear on the way back? 238 00:12:15,917 --> 00:12:17,635 Elaine, are you listening? 239 00:12:17,797 --> 00:12:20,072 l didn't even get there. 240 00:12:22,517 --> 00:12:25,236 -All right. Next story. -l think l've got enough for one day. 241 00:12:25,397 --> 00:12:27,115 -Yeah, chew on that. -l'll chew on that. 242 00:12:27,277 --> 00:12:30,269 Hey, listen. By the way, l'm hosting a little get-together tonight... 243 00:12:30,437 --> 00:12:32,553 ...in honour of my little financial upturn. 244 00:12:32,717 --> 00:12:34,628 Oh, thanks, l've got plans. 245 00:12:34,797 --> 00:12:37,072 Yeah, Elaine, you should be there to document it. 246 00:12:37,237 --> 00:12:40,991 Oh, you're getting together with some of your jackass friends? 247 00:12:41,157 --> 00:12:43,591 -You want me to take notes? -Yeah, but get there after 9. 248 00:12:43,757 --> 00:12:46,669 You know, give the people a chance to loosen up. 249 00:12:53,957 --> 00:12:57,074 So you're denying him the scholarship because he wants to be a planner? 250 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:58,596 l was betrayed. 251 00:12:59,837 --> 00:13:01,907 That kid was like a son to me. 252 00:13:02,077 --> 00:13:04,466 lf there's one person you should be able to hold down... 253 00:13:04,637 --> 00:13:06,355 ...it's your own flesh and blood. 254 00:13:06,517 --> 00:13:09,554 Like my father and my father's father before him. 255 00:13:10,117 --> 00:13:12,836 You know, maybe philanthropy is not your field. 256 00:13:14,837 --> 00:13:17,112 Hello. Oh, hi, Ellen. Yeah, l called the hotel. 257 00:13:17,277 --> 00:13:19,916 -We're set for the weekend. -Spending the weekend with Ellen? 258 00:13:20,077 --> 00:13:22,068 Vermont. 259 00:13:22,237 --> 00:13:24,876 You know, we can stay an extra couple of days if we want. 260 00:13:25,037 --> 00:13:27,631 Four days at a beautiful bed-and-breakfast. 261 00:13:27,797 --> 00:13:29,116 l can't wait. 262 00:13:29,277 --> 00:13:30,949 Bye-bye. 263 00:13:35,637 --> 00:13:36,911 What? 264 00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:39,355 What is this? 265 00:13:42,237 --> 00:13:44,751 -You wanna start? -No, no, no. You go ahead. 266 00:13:44,917 --> 00:13:46,953 l gotta get my thoughts together. 267 00:13:48,317 --> 00:13:52,629 Jerry, this whole Ellen situation has gone far enough. 268 00:13:52,797 --> 00:13:54,947 -What? -Jerry, she's a loser. 269 00:13:56,677 --> 00:13:58,827 Where is this coming from? She's great. 270 00:13:58,997 --> 00:14:01,033 Why are you doing this, Jerry? 271 00:14:01,197 --> 00:14:04,189 ls it your career? Things are gonna pick up. 272 00:14:04,597 --> 00:14:06,747 There's nothing wrong with my career. 273 00:14:06,917 --> 00:14:09,670 l like the Bloomingdale's executive training program for him. 274 00:14:09,837 --> 00:14:11,316 We weren't gonna discuss that now. 275 00:14:11,477 --> 00:14:14,275 -lt's something he should consider. -Of course he should. 276 00:14:14,437 --> 00:14:17,395 -But now is not the time. -Listen, these issues are interrelated. 277 00:14:17,557 --> 00:14:20,117 All right. Excuse me. 278 00:14:20,277 --> 00:14:21,790 l'm not buying any of this. 279 00:14:21,957 --> 00:14:24,949 So, what are you saying? That we're wrong? Everybody's wrong but you. 280 00:14:25,117 --> 00:14:27,677 This is like that Twilight Zone where the guy wakes up... 281 00:14:27,837 --> 00:14:30,226 ...and he's the same, and everybody else is different. 282 00:14:30,397 --> 00:14:33,230 -Which one? -They were all like that. 283 00:14:38,637 --> 00:14:40,912 Why did you take away my scholarship, Mr. Costanza? 284 00:14:41,117 --> 00:14:42,630 Well, Steven, l.... 285 00:14:46,997 --> 00:14:48,430 These are my new friends... 286 00:14:48,597 --> 00:14:49,916 ...the Van Buren Boys. 287 00:14:50,077 --> 00:14:53,228 He became so disillusioned, he had to join us. 288 00:14:54,597 --> 00:14:56,315 -Nice. -l want my scholarship back... 289 00:14:56,477 --> 00:14:58,035 ...so l can be a city planner. 290 00:14:58,517 --> 00:15:00,109 What about architect, Steven? 291 00:15:01,717 --> 00:15:04,106 City planner. 292 00:15:09,077 --> 00:15:10,988 -Great party, K-Man. -You got that straight. 293 00:15:11,157 --> 00:15:15,753 Elaine, try the beef, because that's real au jus sauce. Real au jus sauce. 294 00:15:15,917 --> 00:15:18,226 -l'll make a note of it. -Hey, Kramer. 295 00:15:18,397 --> 00:15:20,592 -Yeah. -Ramirez has never heard your story. 296 00:15:20,757 --> 00:15:21,985 Oh, okay. 297 00:15:22,157 --> 00:15:23,909 Well, l had Bob Sacamano on the phone... 298 00:15:24,077 --> 00:15:26,671 -...and l suddenly realized that l-- -Hey, Kramer, Kramer. 299 00:15:26,837 --> 00:15:28,555 You can't tell that story now. 300 00:15:28,717 --> 00:15:29,945 lt belongs to Peterman. 301 00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:32,474 -What do you mean? -You signed the release. 302 00:15:32,677 --> 00:15:35,316 -Yeah. -He sat in mud, not you. 303 00:15:37,317 --> 00:15:39,626 -But l did sit in mud. -You didn't. 304 00:15:39,797 --> 00:15:41,310 You never sat in mud. 305 00:15:41,477 --> 00:15:43,149 l was all dirty. 306 00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:47,155 -lt never happened, you understand? -Come on. 307 00:15:47,317 --> 00:15:49,069 -Hey, all right. Yeah. -Finish the story? 308 00:15:49,237 --> 00:15:52,309 Oh, yeah, well, l-- Yeah, the pants-- They-- 309 00:15:52,477 --> 00:15:57,073 They-- They fit well and so l decided l wasn't gonna return them. 310 00:16:00,997 --> 00:16:02,908 -Getting late. We better get going. -Okay. 311 00:16:03,077 --> 00:16:04,590 You're gonna go now? 312 00:16:05,477 --> 00:16:07,115 Hey, whoa. Come-- 313 00:16:07,277 --> 00:16:09,029 l don't-- 314 00:16:09,197 --> 00:16:12,826 Kramer, Kramer, l got big trouble with the Van Buren Boys. 315 00:16:12,997 --> 00:16:14,908 -They're tough cookies. -l heard that you... 316 00:16:15,077 --> 00:16:16,908 ...got on their good side. What did you do? 317 00:16:18,597 --> 00:16:20,269 Oh, nothing, nothing. 318 00:16:20,437 --> 00:16:24,555 No, l certainly don't have any stories if that's what you're implying. 319 00:16:24,717 --> 00:16:26,355 You know what those guys are gonna do? 320 00:16:26,757 --> 00:16:28,668 Yeah, well, you didn't hear it from me... 321 00:16:28,837 --> 00:16:33,069 ...but the Van Buren Boys, they never hassle their own kind. 322 00:16:33,237 --> 00:16:34,636 You mean, like a former member? 323 00:16:40,637 --> 00:16:43,788 These Kramer stories are unusable. 324 00:16:44,117 --> 00:16:46,995 l mean, some of them aren't even stories. 325 00:16:47,317 --> 00:16:50,514 Look, this is the list of things in his apartment. 326 00:16:52,157 --> 00:16:54,432 ls my toaster oven on there? 327 00:16:55,717 --> 00:16:58,629 How am l ever gonna turn this into a book? 328 00:16:58,797 --> 00:17:01,186 Well, just shape them, change them. You're a writer. 329 00:17:02,317 --> 00:17:04,308 Yes... 330 00:17:04,477 --> 00:17:06,388 ...l'm a writer. 331 00:17:06,557 --> 00:17:07,956 Make them interesting. 332 00:17:08,437 --> 00:17:09,870 lnteresting. 333 00:17:10,157 --> 00:17:11,556 Of course. 334 00:17:11,717 --> 00:17:14,914 People love interesting writing. 335 00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:19,876 Well, l gotta go to the airport. l'm picking up my parents. 336 00:17:20,037 --> 00:17:21,390 What? Weren't they just here? 337 00:17:21,557 --> 00:17:23,787 Yeah, l'm flying them in to meet Ellen. 338 00:17:23,957 --> 00:17:25,276 l don't know where to turn. 339 00:17:25,437 --> 00:17:28,429 -l gotta see what they think of her. -Maybe we can have dinner later. 340 00:17:28,597 --> 00:17:32,033 l don't think so. l'm gonna try to get them to fly right back tonight. 341 00:17:32,397 --> 00:17:34,991 Oh, hey. Hey, have l told you about my bunions? 342 00:17:35,157 --> 00:17:36,590 You're going to love this story. 343 00:17:36,757 --> 00:17:39,317 So l line up my cold cuts on the couch next to me... 344 00:17:39,477 --> 00:17:42,435 ...but as l'm stacking them up they keep falling into my footbath. 345 00:17:42,637 --> 00:17:44,275 Kramer, this is awful. 346 00:17:44,437 --> 00:17:45,870 We don't wanna hear about this. 347 00:17:46,397 --> 00:17:48,752 -Damn. -What? 348 00:17:48,917 --> 00:17:51,147 Oh, l bought a bunch of bunion stories from Newman. 349 00:17:51,317 --> 00:17:53,148 But they all stink. 350 00:17:53,317 --> 00:17:55,751 -How much did you pay for them? -Eight bucks. 351 00:17:55,917 --> 00:17:57,589 l think l'm getting ripped off. 352 00:17:59,077 --> 00:18:00,715 Newman! 353 00:18:03,037 --> 00:18:06,188 Well, what didn't you like about the first chapter? 354 00:18:06,357 --> 00:18:08,188 Well, it started out nicely. 355 00:18:08,357 --> 00:18:10,917 l'm returning some pants... 356 00:18:11,077 --> 00:18:13,796 ...a very identifiable problem. 357 00:18:14,197 --> 00:18:16,427 l set off down a train tunnel. 358 00:18:16,597 --> 00:18:19,270 Now, that's where the story takes a most unappealing turn. 359 00:18:19,437 --> 00:18:21,507 Oh, no, no, that's where it gets interesting. 360 00:18:21,677 --> 00:18:24,589 Don't you see? The train is bearing down on you... 361 00:18:24,757 --> 00:18:27,146 ...you dive into a side tunnel... 362 00:18:27,317 --> 00:18:31,515 ...and you run into a whole band of underground tunnel dwellers. 363 00:18:31,677 --> 00:18:34,555 lt just seems so clichéd and obvious. 364 00:18:34,717 --> 00:18:36,435 lt's not interesting writing. 365 00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:40,026 Yeah, yeah, l know. 366 00:18:40,437 --> 00:18:45,352 How about if instead of diving from the train, you...? 367 00:18:45,877 --> 00:18:50,155 l don't know. You slip and fall in some mud... 368 00:18:51,397 --> 00:18:53,547 ...and ruin your pants? 369 00:18:56,917 --> 00:18:59,147 The very pants l was returning. 370 00:19:02,157 --> 00:19:06,435 That's perfect irony. Elaine, that is interesting writing. 371 00:19:06,997 --> 00:19:10,114 I have a Cosmo Kramer on line four. 372 00:19:11,077 --> 00:19:13,068 -Peterman here. -Mr. Peterson... 373 00:19:13,237 --> 00:19:14,909 ...you gotta sell me my stories back. 374 00:19:15,077 --> 00:19:18,114 You wanna know something? l no longer need them. 375 00:19:18,277 --> 00:19:21,314 No, no, no, Mr. Peterman, why don't we keep them as a reference. 376 00:19:21,477 --> 00:19:22,876 Nonsense. 377 00:19:23,037 --> 00:19:26,712 l have Benes' wonderfully imaginative mind to spin my stories. 378 00:19:26,877 --> 00:19:28,913 You take back your tales, you vagabond. 379 00:19:29,957 --> 00:19:32,755 There you are, Elaine. Go forth and create. 380 00:19:33,397 --> 00:19:36,707 And by the way, when you get to that chapter about romantic escapades... 381 00:19:36,877 --> 00:19:39,232 ...feel free to toss yourself into the mix. 382 00:19:45,477 --> 00:19:46,705 Hey, Van B Boys. 383 00:19:46,877 --> 00:19:49,345 So, Mr. Costanza, did you get my scholarship back? 384 00:19:49,517 --> 00:19:51,667 Now, fellas, fellas, easy. 385 00:19:51,837 --> 00:19:53,793 Wouldn't wanna beat up on one of your own. 386 00:19:53,957 --> 00:19:55,356 ls that right? 387 00:19:55,517 --> 00:19:58,668 Then why don't you flash us the sign? 388 00:19:59,877 --> 00:20:01,390 Right. 389 00:20:02,517 --> 00:20:04,189 The sign. 390 00:20:12,677 --> 00:20:13,871 That's not the sign. 391 00:20:14,317 --> 00:20:16,114 lt was when l was banging. 392 00:20:16,717 --> 00:20:17,706 All right... 393 00:20:17,877 --> 00:20:19,674 ...if you are really one of us... 394 00:20:19,837 --> 00:20:23,466 ...let's see you take the wallet off the next guy who walks by. 395 00:20:24,637 --> 00:20:26,036 Love to. 396 00:20:29,397 --> 00:20:32,116 And after college l got my master's at the Sorbonne. 397 00:20:32,277 --> 00:20:35,872 Sorbonne. Oh, hey, that's in Paris. 398 00:20:36,037 --> 00:20:37,948 Jerry, your parking meter is about to expire. 399 00:20:38,117 --> 00:20:39,789 Don't get up. l've got change. 400 00:20:43,797 --> 00:20:46,834 -So, what do you think? -Jerry, she is fantastic. 401 00:20:46,997 --> 00:20:49,067 l knew it. l'm not crazy. 402 00:20:49,237 --> 00:20:50,431 She's so sweet. 403 00:20:50,597 --> 00:20:52,349 And she's got some body on her. 404 00:20:52,517 --> 00:20:54,985 And smart, like a computer. 405 00:20:56,917 --> 00:20:59,954 And so much personality. But it doesn't matter what we think. 406 00:21:00,117 --> 00:21:01,345 Do you like her? 407 00:21:03,077 --> 00:21:05,432 Now l'm not so sure. 408 00:21:05,597 --> 00:21:09,306 She's 1 0 times better than that awful Amber girl that you were with. 409 00:21:09,477 --> 00:21:13,072 Yeah, Amber. l wonder if she's back from Vegas. 410 00:21:17,197 --> 00:21:18,516 All right, no more stalling. 411 00:21:18,677 --> 00:21:21,066 Next one or you're meat. 412 00:21:21,237 --> 00:21:22,716 All right. All right. 413 00:21:25,797 --> 00:21:28,265 -Seinfelds. -Hey, George. 414 00:21:28,437 --> 00:21:29,586 You gotta do me a favour. 415 00:21:29,757 --> 00:21:31,987 Give me your wallet. l'll give it back to you later. 416 00:21:32,157 --> 00:21:33,351 How are your folks? 417 00:21:33,517 --> 00:21:35,872 Trying to pick out a new couch. You don't wanna know. 418 00:21:36,037 --> 00:21:39,996 Give me your wallet or l'll spill your guts right here on the street. 419 00:21:40,157 --> 00:21:41,715 What did you say? 420 00:21:41,877 --> 00:21:43,356 Come on, hurry up, old man. 421 00:21:43,517 --> 00:21:44,836 l'm an animal. 422 00:21:44,997 --> 00:21:46,908 You're being very rude. Come on, Morty. 423 00:21:47,077 --> 00:21:49,466 -Please, they're gonna hit me. -What? 424 00:21:49,637 --> 00:21:53,346 George Costanza, what is the matter with you? 425 00:21:53,517 --> 00:21:55,633 Tell your parents we said hi.