1 00:00:03,569 --> 00:00:05,366 Hang on, let me just pick up a paper. 2 00:00:06,089 --> 00:00:07,363 Excuse me. Would you mind... 3 00:00:07,529 --> 00:00:10,407 -...watching my bag for a minute? -Yeah, no problem. 4 00:00:11,089 --> 00:00:13,398 -Let's go. -Well, l gotta watch this guy's bag. 5 00:00:14,289 --> 00:00:18,407 -For how long? -l'm sure he'll be back in a second. 6 00:00:19,289 --> 00:00:22,042 -Nice stuff. -Come on. 7 00:00:23,289 --> 00:00:25,883 Excuse me, sir. Would you mind watching my bag for a second? 8 00:00:26,049 --> 00:00:27,926 Why? So l can stand here like an idiot... 9 00:00:28,089 --> 00:00:30,159 ...not knowing if you'll ever come back? 10 00:00:31,929 --> 00:00:35,399 -Where are you going? -l'm gonna be this guy's friend. 11 00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:43,206 -New clothes? -Yeah, l did some shopping. 12 00:00:43,369 --> 00:00:45,519 Some new-clothes shopping. 13 00:00:46,289 --> 00:00:47,563 Can l borrow your menu? 14 00:00:47,729 --> 00:00:49,879 Strange, for new pants there's noticeable wear... 15 00:00:50,049 --> 00:00:51,880 ...on the buttocks of those chinos. 16 00:00:52,849 --> 00:00:55,079 Wait, those are the clothes from the bag. 17 00:00:55,769 --> 00:00:57,043 The guy never came back. 18 00:00:57,209 --> 00:00:59,439 He asked you to watch them, not wear them. 19 00:00:59,609 --> 00:01:01,725 l'm still watching them. 20 00:01:02,849 --> 00:01:05,761 -You look like a tourist. -All right. Let me ask you something. 21 00:01:05,969 --> 00:01:08,688 When do you start to worry about ear hair? 22 00:01:09,089 --> 00:01:11,762 When you hear, like, a soft rustling. 23 00:01:12,329 --> 00:01:14,126 Puberty that never stops. 24 00:01:14,289 --> 00:01:16,166 Ear puberty, nose puberty, knuckle puberty. 25 00:01:16,329 --> 00:01:18,240 You gotta be vigilant. 26 00:01:18,609 --> 00:01:19,962 All right. Let me ask you this: 27 00:01:20,129 --> 00:01:21,881 You know where Walker Street is downtown? 28 00:01:22,049 --> 00:01:25,564 -l got a league meeting there. -Right, the new job. How is it? 29 00:01:25,729 --> 00:01:28,926 l love it. New office, new salary. l'm the new Wilhelm. 30 00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:30,317 So who's the new you? 31 00:01:30,489 --> 00:01:33,561 They got an intern from Francis Lewis High. 32 00:01:34,089 --> 00:01:37,047 His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school. 33 00:01:37,409 --> 00:01:38,808 -Hi, Alex. -l'm sorry l'm late. 34 00:01:38,969 --> 00:01:40,368 -Have you ordered yet? -No. 35 00:01:40,529 --> 00:01:41,928 l'll be right back. 36 00:01:42,689 --> 00:01:45,408 Where are you meeting these women? When they get off the bus... 37 00:01:45,569 --> 00:01:48,367 -...at the Port Authority? -Right here, George. ln here. 38 00:01:49,129 --> 00:01:54,157 Try opening this up. You'll find the biggest dating scene in the world. 39 00:01:54,689 --> 00:01:56,884 Thanks. Thanks a lot. 40 00:02:04,849 --> 00:02:06,123 -Hey. -Hey. 41 00:02:06,289 --> 00:02:07,802 -Hi. -Where's Jerry? 42 00:02:07,969 --> 00:02:10,039 Well, he's in the shower. You want me to get him? 43 00:02:10,249 --> 00:02:11,648 No, no, no. 44 00:02:12,009 --> 00:02:13,965 Actually, l kind of need to speak to you. 45 00:02:14,129 --> 00:02:17,087 Oh, well, let's sit down. 46 00:02:24,609 --> 00:02:28,284 Kramer, remember that whole deal with you selling Peterman... 47 00:02:28,449 --> 00:02:31,486 ...your stories for his book, and then he gave them back to you? 48 00:02:32,329 --> 00:02:34,047 Vaguely. 49 00:02:34,449 --> 00:02:39,045 Well, l was kind of short on material... 50 00:02:39,209 --> 00:02:42,201 ...and l put them in the book anyway. 51 00:02:42,369 --> 00:02:45,008 You put my life stories in his autobiography? 52 00:02:45,169 --> 00:02:46,921 Kramer, listen, it is such a stupid book. 53 00:02:47,089 --> 00:02:50,968 -lt doesn't matter. -No, no. Sure it matters. 54 00:02:52,529 --> 00:02:54,963 l've broken through, huh? 55 00:02:55,129 --> 00:02:59,168 l'm part of popular culture now. Listen, l'd like to thank Mr. Peterman. 56 00:02:59,329 --> 00:03:01,889 He's doing a book signing at Waldenbooks this afternoon. 57 00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:05,724 Waldenbooks. That's a major chain, huh? 58 00:03:06,969 --> 00:03:08,607 Hey, Jerry, l'm going to Waldenbooks. 59 00:03:08,769 --> 00:03:12,239 Oh, get out! Get out! l don't wanna live like this! 60 00:03:14,689 --> 00:03:16,327 All right, let's go. 61 00:03:18,969 --> 00:03:22,279 -Mr. Lippman, how are you? -How are you? 62 00:03:22,449 --> 00:03:25,998 -Well, l'm not bad. Not bad. -What are you doing here? 63 00:03:26,169 --> 00:03:29,047 l work for Pendant Publishing. This is our book. 64 00:03:29,569 --> 00:03:31,161 lf you can call it that. 65 00:03:31,769 --> 00:03:35,762 Why is it every half-wit and sitcom star has his own book out now? 66 00:03:38,769 --> 00:03:41,408 Hey, buddy. Remember me? 67 00:03:41,569 --> 00:03:44,561 You're that gangly fellow we bought the stories from. 68 00:03:44,729 --> 00:03:48,039 Yeah, l'm just here to do my part. What's your name, darling? 69 00:03:48,209 --> 00:03:49,881 -Who are you? -Oh, l'm-- 70 00:03:50,049 --> 00:03:51,801 Let me use your pen, will you? 71 00:03:52,529 --> 00:03:53,962 --l'm the real Peterman. 72 00:03:54,529 --> 00:03:57,043 All right, playtime's over. 73 00:03:57,889 --> 00:03:59,163 Relax, man. 74 00:03:59,329 --> 00:04:02,321 There's enough juice here to keep us all fat and giggly. 75 00:04:02,689 --> 00:04:05,078 l can't believe somebody pulled the top off this muffin. 76 00:04:05,249 --> 00:04:07,604 That was me. l'm sorry, l-- 77 00:04:07,769 --> 00:04:10,442 l don't like the stumps. 78 00:04:11,409 --> 00:04:14,367 -So you just eat the tops? -Oh, yeah, it's the best part. 79 00:04:14,529 --> 00:04:16,759 lt's crunchy. lt's explosive. lt's-- 80 00:04:16,929 --> 00:04:19,568 lt's where the muffin breaks free of the pan... 81 00:04:19,729 --> 00:04:22,323 ...and sort of does its own thing. 82 00:04:24,089 --> 00:04:27,798 l'll tell you, that's a million-dollar idea right there. Just sell the tops. 83 00:04:29,409 --> 00:04:31,001 Okay. Let's go, slim. That's enough. 84 00:04:31,169 --> 00:04:32,761 -l have a right to be here. -Come on. 85 00:04:32,929 --> 00:04:35,966 These are my fans. Hey, you're hurting my elbow. 86 00:04:38,329 --> 00:04:40,604 Try looking up, hayseed. 87 00:04:42,489 --> 00:04:44,719 You wanna sightsee, get on a bus. 88 00:04:46,129 --> 00:04:48,165 Please don't think all New Yorkers are so rude. 89 00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:50,524 -Well, no, actually l'm-- -l'm Mary Anne. 90 00:04:50,689 --> 00:04:52,520 l work for the New York Visitors Center. 91 00:04:52,689 --> 00:04:54,486 Where are you visiting from? 92 00:04:55,769 --> 00:04:57,919 Little Rock, Arkansas. 93 00:05:07,489 --> 00:05:09,400 That looks new. 94 00:05:16,889 --> 00:05:19,608 So get this: Peterman has his henchmen... 95 00:05:19,769 --> 00:05:22,283 ...forcefully eject me from the book signing. 96 00:05:22,449 --> 00:05:24,883 Like l'm some sort of maniac. 97 00:05:26,209 --> 00:05:28,928 -Yeah, that's too bad. -What's the matter with you? 98 00:05:29,089 --> 00:05:30,841 -Nothing. -No, no, no, don't give me that. 99 00:05:31,009 --> 00:05:33,603 l know you. Something's wrong. What is it? What happened? 100 00:05:33,769 --> 00:05:37,557 -l did something stupid. -What did you do? 101 00:05:37,729 --> 00:05:39,481 -Well, l was shaving... -Yeah. 102 00:05:39,649 --> 00:05:42,447 ...and l noticed an asymmetry in my chest hair. 103 00:05:42,729 --> 00:05:46,199 And l was trying to even it out. And the next thing l knew: 104 00:05:46,369 --> 00:05:47,643 Gone. 105 00:05:48,609 --> 00:05:51,248 Don't you know you're not supposed to poke around down there? 106 00:05:51,409 --> 00:05:53,877 -Well, women do it. -''Well, women do it.'' 107 00:05:54,049 --> 00:05:57,086 Well, l'll tell you what. l'll pick you up a sundress and a parasol... 108 00:05:57,249 --> 00:06:00,605 ...and you can just sashay your pretty little self around the town square. 109 00:06:00,849 --> 00:06:03,283 -Well, what am l gonna tell Alex? -Now, you listen to me. 110 00:06:03,449 --> 00:06:06,361 You don't tell anybody about this. No one. You hear me? 111 00:06:06,529 --> 00:06:07,803 -Hey. -Hey. 112 00:06:07,969 --> 00:06:10,039 -Jerry shaved his chest. -Hey! 113 00:06:10,409 --> 00:06:13,003 l forgot. Wait, never mind. 114 00:06:15,969 --> 00:06:18,358 You couldn't pay me enough to ride a horse in this city. 115 00:06:18,529 --> 00:06:20,599 lt's hard to cross the street in sneakers... 116 00:06:20,769 --> 00:06:25,240 ...let alone six feet in the air on a jittery, glassy-eyed dinosaur. 117 00:06:25,409 --> 00:06:27,639 How about the beach this weekend? 118 00:06:28,449 --> 00:06:31,247 Well, you couldn't pay me enough to go to the beach on a weekend. 119 00:06:31,409 --> 00:06:34,003 -l mean, it's hard enough to park-- -All right, all right. 120 00:06:34,169 --> 00:06:37,605 ls that a Mexican Hairless? l love those. 121 00:06:37,769 --> 00:06:43,321 Oh, hairless. This is where it's at. lt's so much smoother and cleaner. 122 00:06:43,889 --> 00:06:45,368 Really? 123 00:06:46,529 --> 00:06:49,407 Excuse me. Are you eating a muffin top? 124 00:06:49,569 --> 00:06:51,958 Yeah, a muffin-top store just opened up down the street. 125 00:06:52,889 --> 00:06:56,086 -A muffin-top store? -What did l just say? 126 00:07:07,929 --> 00:07:09,328 Top of the muffin to you. 127 00:07:10,209 --> 00:07:11,562 Elaine. 128 00:07:12,089 --> 00:07:13,363 Mr. Lippman? 129 00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:18,005 So you're pretending to be a tourist? 130 00:07:18,449 --> 00:07:20,201 lt's beautiful. 131 00:07:20,649 --> 00:07:22,321 She makes all the plans. 132 00:07:22,489 --> 00:07:25,720 l'm not from around here, so it's okay if l'm stupid. 133 00:07:26,889 --> 00:07:28,641 And she knows l'm only in town visiting... 134 00:07:28,809 --> 00:07:30,800 ...so there's no messy break-ups. 135 00:07:30,969 --> 00:07:34,359 -How do you explain your apartment? -l got a hotel room. 136 00:07:34,849 --> 00:07:36,567 You moved into a hotel? 137 00:07:36,729 --> 00:07:40,199 Well, l don't know anyone here, Jerry. Where else am l gonna stay? 138 00:07:40,929 --> 00:07:45,161 So get this: We're in the park today. Alex goes wild for this hairless dog. 139 00:07:45,569 --> 00:07:46,922 -So? -So l figured... 140 00:07:47,089 --> 00:07:50,638 ...since she likes one hairless animal, why not another? 141 00:07:51,169 --> 00:07:52,761 -Oh, really? -Yes. 142 00:07:52,929 --> 00:07:54,760 -You tell her you shaved it? -Are you nuts? 143 00:07:54,929 --> 00:07:59,639 l don't want her to think l'm a low-rise briefs guy who shaves his chest. 144 00:08:02,209 --> 00:08:03,642 Hey, Jerry! 145 00:08:05,849 --> 00:08:10,286 l'm starting a Peterman Reality Bus Tour. Check it out. 146 00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:14,081 Reality tour? 147 00:08:14,249 --> 00:08:18,527 The last thing this guy is qualified to give a tour of is reality. 148 00:08:19,129 --> 00:08:21,802 This was my idea. You stole my idea. 149 00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:25,006 Elaine, these ideas are all in the air. They're in the air. 150 00:08:25,169 --> 00:08:27,603 Oh, well, then, if that air is coming out of this face... 151 00:08:27,769 --> 00:08:29,680 ...then it is my air and my idea. 152 00:08:29,849 --> 00:08:32,443 -You want a muffin or not? -Peach. 153 00:08:35,489 --> 00:08:37,639 So l've noticed you don't have much of an accent. 154 00:08:39,689 --> 00:08:43,284 Yeah, my parents have it. Sometimes it skips a generation. 155 00:08:44,129 --> 00:08:46,962 So l was thinking maybe tonight we could go back to my hotel. 156 00:08:47,129 --> 00:08:48,960 l got Spectra Vision. 157 00:08:49,369 --> 00:08:51,599 First five minutes free. 158 00:08:52,769 --> 00:08:54,441 Look, George... 159 00:08:54,609 --> 00:08:57,282 ...l'm really enjoying spending time with you... 160 00:08:57,449 --> 00:09:00,088 ...but l'm not sure this is gonna work out. 161 00:09:00,249 --> 00:09:03,127 At some point you're going back to your job at Tyler Chicken... 162 00:09:03,289 --> 00:09:05,200 ...and your three-legged dog, Willy. 163 00:09:09,129 --> 00:09:11,563 And l'm still gonna be here. 164 00:09:12,169 --> 00:09:14,524 Well, what if l told you l'm thinking of moving here? 165 00:09:16,049 --> 00:09:20,884 George, no offence, but this city would eat you alive. 166 00:09:27,489 --> 00:09:30,686 You're moving to New York? That's fantastic. 167 00:09:32,409 --> 00:09:34,639 l can see you all the time now. 168 00:09:35,769 --> 00:09:39,284 Eat me alive, huh? We'll see who can make it in this town. 169 00:09:39,449 --> 00:09:44,398 -What is it she thinks you can't do? -Find a job, get an apartment. 170 00:09:44,569 --> 00:09:46,207 How did you do those things? 171 00:09:47,169 --> 00:09:50,605 Never mind, they're done. All l have to do now is redo them. 172 00:09:50,769 --> 00:09:53,841 You know, if you take everything l've accomplished in my entire life... 173 00:09:54,009 --> 00:09:57,081 ...and condense it down into one day, it looks decent. 174 00:09:59,529 --> 00:10:02,441 Hey, what were you doing with that bus yesterday? 175 00:10:02,609 --> 00:10:06,124 Here you go. Here you go. Check it out. 176 00:10:07,449 --> 00:10:09,565 ''The Real Peterman Reality Bus Tour.'' 177 00:10:09,729 --> 00:10:12,084 -l'm confused. -That Peterman book is big business. 178 00:10:12,249 --> 00:10:14,319 People wanna know the stories behind the stories. 179 00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:16,525 Nobody wants to go on a three-hour bus tour... 180 00:10:16,689 --> 00:10:18,919 ...of a totally unknown person's life. 181 00:10:19,089 --> 00:10:23,605 l'm only charging $37.50, plus you get a pizza bagel and dessert. 182 00:10:23,769 --> 00:10:26,886 -What's dessert? -Bite-size 3 Musketeers. 183 00:10:27,369 --> 00:10:29,041 Just like the real Peterman eats. 184 00:10:29,209 --> 00:10:32,167 -He eats those? -No, l eat those. 185 00:10:32,449 --> 00:10:34,201 l'm the real Peterman. 186 00:10:34,609 --> 00:10:35,883 -l don't-- -Wait a minute. 187 00:10:36,249 --> 00:10:38,240 l think l understand this. 188 00:10:38,449 --> 00:10:41,247 J. Peterman is real. His biography is not. 189 00:10:41,409 --> 00:10:43,286 Now, you, Kramer, are real. 190 00:10:43,449 --> 00:10:46,327 -Talk to me. -But your life is Peterman's. 191 00:10:46,489 --> 00:10:48,764 Now, the bus tour, which is real... 192 00:10:48,929 --> 00:10:51,124 ...takes you to places that, while they are real... 193 00:10:51,289 --> 00:10:54,247 ...they are not real in the sense that they did not really happen... 194 00:10:54,409 --> 00:10:56,365 ...to the real Peterman, which is you. 195 00:10:57,729 --> 00:11:01,085 -Understand? -Yeah, it's 37.50 for a 3 Musketeers. 196 00:11:05,129 --> 00:11:09,361 Elaine, l'm in over my head. Nobody likes my muffin tops. 197 00:11:09,529 --> 00:11:11,440 So? What do you want me to do about it? 198 00:11:11,609 --> 00:11:14,328 You're the muffin-top expert. Tell me what l'm doing wrong. 199 00:11:14,489 --> 00:11:17,640 Mr. Lippman, when l worked for you at Pendant Publishing... 200 00:11:17,809 --> 00:11:21,119 ...l believed in you, you know, as a man of integrity. 201 00:11:21,289 --> 00:11:26,044 But when l saw you in that paper hat and that apron-- 202 00:11:26,209 --> 00:11:28,439 What if l cut you in for 30 percent of the profits? 203 00:11:28,609 --> 00:11:30,725 Deal. Here's your problem: 204 00:11:31,809 --> 00:11:34,528 You're making just the muffin tops. 205 00:11:34,689 --> 00:11:38,284 -What do you mean? -You gotta make the whole muffin. 206 00:11:38,449 --> 00:11:41,043 Then you... 207 00:11:43,009 --> 00:11:45,648 ...pop the top, toss the stump. 208 00:11:47,449 --> 00:11:48,723 Taste. 209 00:11:53,089 --> 00:11:55,967 -So, what do we do with the bottoms? -Give them to a soup kitchen. 210 00:11:56,129 --> 00:11:58,199 -lt's a good idea. -And one more thing. 211 00:11:58,369 --> 00:12:00,519 Do you really think we need the exclamation point? 212 00:12:00,689 --> 00:12:04,921 Because it's not, ''Top of the muffin to you!'' 213 00:12:05,089 --> 00:12:06,522 No, no, it is. 214 00:12:10,089 --> 00:12:13,081 Hey, Jerry. What's this? 215 00:12:13,729 --> 00:12:15,959 Lady Gillette? 216 00:12:16,129 --> 00:12:18,597 Oh, what's going on? 217 00:12:19,049 --> 00:12:20,323 -Hey. -What? 218 00:12:20,489 --> 00:12:22,878 -Jeez. -Can't l get a moment's peace? 219 00:12:23,049 --> 00:12:27,167 -What are you doing to yourself? -l can't stop. 220 00:12:27,929 --> 00:12:31,683 -Alex thinks l'm naturally hairless. -What? You can't keep this up. 221 00:12:31,849 --> 00:12:33,362 Don't you know what's gonna happen? 222 00:12:33,529 --> 00:12:37,204 Every time you shave it, it's gonna come in thicker and fuller and darker. 223 00:12:37,369 --> 00:12:41,567 -Oh, that's an old wives' tale. -ls it? Look at this. 224 00:12:42,369 --> 00:12:46,965 -What is--? What is that? -Look at it! Look at it! 225 00:12:48,889 --> 00:12:51,926 lt's all me. l shaved there when l was a lifeguard. 226 00:12:52,449 --> 00:12:56,124 Oh, come on. That's genetic. That's not gonna happen to me. 227 00:12:56,289 --> 00:13:00,248 Won't it? Or has it already started to happen? 228 00:13:02,409 --> 00:13:04,081 Look at this, we're cleaning up. 229 00:13:04,249 --> 00:13:07,161 Oh, Reuben, get me another tray of low-fat cranberry, please. 230 00:13:08,489 --> 00:13:12,004 Excuse me. l'm Rebecca DeMornay, from the homeless shelter. 231 00:13:12,169 --> 00:13:14,683 -Oh, hi. -Are you the ones... 232 00:13:14,849 --> 00:13:16,999 ...leaving those muffin pieces behind our shelter? 233 00:13:17,169 --> 00:13:19,808 -You've been enjoying them? -They're just stumps. 234 00:13:20,969 --> 00:13:23,563 -Well, they're perfectly edible. -Oh, so you just assume... 235 00:13:23,729 --> 00:13:26,004 ...the homeless will eat them? They'll eat anything? 236 00:13:26,169 --> 00:13:28,239 -No, we just thought-- -l know what you thought: 237 00:13:28,409 --> 00:13:30,127 ''They don't have homes. Don't have jobs. 238 00:13:30,289 --> 00:13:33,565 What do they need the top of a muffin for? They're lucky to get stumps.'' 239 00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:37,085 lf the homeless don't like them, the homeless don't have to eat them. 240 00:13:37,249 --> 00:13:40,047 The homeless don't like them. We've never had so many complaints. 241 00:13:40,209 --> 00:13:42,404 Every two minutes: ''Where's the top of this muffin? 242 00:13:42,569 --> 00:13:44,719 -Who ate the rest?'' -We were just trying to help. 243 00:13:44,889 --> 00:13:47,323 Why don't you drop off chicken skins and lobster shells? 244 00:13:47,489 --> 00:13:49,081 l think l might. 245 00:13:49,289 --> 00:13:51,484 l can't believe you found something so quickly. 246 00:13:51,649 --> 00:13:53,879 -How much are you paying? -Twenty-three hundred. 247 00:13:54,049 --> 00:13:56,722 -Ouch, a month? -Yeah. 248 00:13:57,489 --> 00:13:59,241 Well, l guess that's all right for now. 249 00:13:59,409 --> 00:14:02,685 But if you stay here more than a few months, you're a real sucker. 250 00:14:04,569 --> 00:14:07,481 Yeah, well, l.... l got lots of other stuff to show you too. 251 00:14:07,649 --> 00:14:09,958 Wait till you see the plum job that l landed. 252 00:14:10,329 --> 00:14:13,048 Yeah, we should let this place air out anyway. 253 00:14:13,209 --> 00:14:16,281 lt smells like the last tenant had monkeys or something. 254 00:14:21,689 --> 00:14:23,042 Okay, coming up on the right... 255 00:14:23,209 --> 00:14:25,769 ...if you glance up, you'll just make out my bedroom window. 256 00:14:25,929 --> 00:14:27,806 lt's the one that's covered in chicken wire. 257 00:14:27,969 --> 00:14:30,358 Hey, if you're the real Peterman... 258 00:14:30,529 --> 00:14:32,884 ...how come you're wearing those ratty clothes? 259 00:14:33,249 --> 00:14:36,878 -What? -Well, they're not very romantic. 260 00:14:37,049 --> 00:14:38,323 Well, that's your opinion. 261 00:14:38,489 --> 00:14:41,526 Can l have another 3 Musketeers? They're rather small. 262 00:14:41,689 --> 00:14:42,963 Forget it. 263 00:14:43,129 --> 00:14:45,404 Okay, Newman's postal route is around here somewhere. 264 00:14:45,569 --> 00:14:47,161 -Who's Newman? -Who cares? 265 00:14:47,329 --> 00:14:50,162 Hey, fake Peterman, let me off. l'm nauseous. 266 00:14:50,329 --> 00:14:51,603 Can l have his candy bar? 267 00:14:52,049 --> 00:14:54,005 Everyone just settle down. 268 00:14:54,249 --> 00:14:56,205 Okay, we got three hours left on this thing... 269 00:14:56,369 --> 00:14:59,805 ...and l can't drive and argue with you rubes all at the same time. 270 00:15:01,569 --> 00:15:05,039 Okay, Lomez's place of worship is right on the right here. 271 00:15:06,569 --> 00:15:09,879 -Why do l have to go on the tour? -Jerry, you're a minor celebrity. 272 00:15:10,049 --> 00:15:12,802 You know, if you go on this thing, it could create a minor stir. 273 00:15:12,969 --> 00:15:16,882 You bring that little girlfriend of yours and l'll only charge you 60 bucks. 274 00:15:17,049 --> 00:15:18,801 -Hey. -Hey. 275 00:15:18,969 --> 00:15:21,802 -How's business? -Oh, l got stump trouble. 276 00:15:21,969 --> 00:15:24,199 The sanitation department won't get rid of them all. 277 00:15:24,369 --> 00:15:26,963 l can't get a truck to haul this stuff until next week. 278 00:15:27,129 --> 00:15:29,563 Meanwhile, l'm sitting on a mountain of stumps. 279 00:15:31,169 --> 00:15:32,443 All right. 280 00:15:32,609 --> 00:15:35,487 l gotta hose the puke off the floor of the bus. 281 00:15:35,649 --> 00:15:38,447 Bus? Wait a minute, wait a minute. Bus? You got a bus? 282 00:15:38,609 --> 00:15:40,201 -Yeah. Yeah. -Any room on that thing? 283 00:15:40,369 --> 00:15:42,121 There are a few seats still available. 284 00:15:42,329 --> 00:15:45,639 Do you think you could transport some stumps for me? 285 00:15:45,809 --> 00:15:47,640 l'll make it worth your while. 286 00:15:47,809 --> 00:15:50,448 Well, if they don't mind sitting in the back. 287 00:15:51,489 --> 00:15:53,047 No, they don't. 288 00:15:53,569 --> 00:15:55,127 Are they war veterans? 289 00:16:00,129 --> 00:16:01,881 This is your office? 290 00:16:02,049 --> 00:16:03,846 Oh, hello. Sorry, George... 291 00:16:04,009 --> 00:16:07,126 ...didn't know you had a girl in here. Leave a signal on the doorknob... 292 00:16:07,289 --> 00:16:09,757 ...like a necktie or a sock or something. Help me out. 293 00:16:09,929 --> 00:16:12,124 Mr. Steinbrenner, l would like to thank you... 294 00:16:12,289 --> 00:16:14,962 ...for taking a chance on a hen supervisor at Tyler Chicken... 295 00:16:15,129 --> 00:16:18,644 -...like our boy George here. -Hen supervisor from Tyler Chicken? 296 00:16:18,809 --> 00:16:20,879 Yes, very nice for her to have met you, sir. 297 00:16:21,049 --> 00:16:22,323 Wait a minute, George. 298 00:16:22,489 --> 00:16:25,242 Be right with you. Look, Mr. Steinbrenner-- 299 00:16:25,409 --> 00:16:27,843 Moonlighting for Tyler Chicken. lmpressive, George. 300 00:16:28,009 --> 00:16:29,727 Days with Yankees, nights in Arkansas... 301 00:16:29,889 --> 00:16:33,165 ...with a topflight bird outfit. And a hen supervisor, to boot. 302 00:16:33,329 --> 00:16:36,719 l am blown. Blown away. 303 00:16:36,889 --> 00:16:41,246 Blown, George. Blown! 304 00:16:43,449 --> 00:16:45,167 You know, when you make a pizza bagel... 305 00:16:45,329 --> 00:16:48,082 ...you really shouldn't use cinnamon raisin. 306 00:16:48,249 --> 00:16:51,161 You also shouldn't use a doughnut. 307 00:16:57,409 --> 00:17:00,446 All right, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Peterman Reality Tour. 308 00:17:00,609 --> 00:17:02,201 Turn music off. 309 00:17:02,369 --> 00:17:05,566 -Kramer, can we just go? -And go we will. 310 00:17:05,729 --> 00:17:07,640 What is this? Pizza pound cake? 311 00:17:07,809 --> 00:17:09,800 Well, we have a bonus ultra-reality stop today. 312 00:17:09,969 --> 00:17:13,723 We're gonna be hauling muffin stumps to the local repository. 313 00:17:13,889 --> 00:17:17,006 -We're going to a garbage dump? -And we're off. 314 00:17:18,689 --> 00:17:21,681 You know, l never thought he'd be able to re-create the experience... 315 00:17:21,849 --> 00:17:24,568 ...of actually knowing him, but this is pretty close. 316 00:17:27,769 --> 00:17:31,444 Don Tyler? George Steinbrenner here. l wanna talk about George Costanza. 317 00:17:31,609 --> 00:17:34,169 l understand he's been dividing his time between us and you. 318 00:17:34,329 --> 00:17:36,604 -l cannot have that. -Well, l don't know who he is... 319 00:17:36,769 --> 00:17:39,329 ...but if you want him that bad, l'm not giving up easy. 320 00:17:39,489 --> 00:17:42,128 Oh, is that so? Playing a little hardball, huh, Donny boy? 321 00:17:42,289 --> 00:17:44,803 How about this: You give me Costanza. 322 00:17:44,969 --> 00:17:47,961 l convert your concessions to all chicken, no charge. 323 00:17:48,129 --> 00:17:51,326 lnstead of hot dogs, chicken dogs. lnstead of pretzels, chicken twists. 324 00:17:51,489 --> 00:17:53,764 lnstead of beer, alcoholic chicken. 325 00:17:53,969 --> 00:17:57,325 -How do you make alcoholic chicken? -They ferment, just like anything else. 326 00:17:57,489 --> 00:18:01,607 That stuff sounds great. All right, l'll have Costanza on the next bus. 327 00:18:04,769 --> 00:18:07,329 Hey, hey, hey. Where do you think you're going? 328 00:18:07,489 --> 00:18:10,686 -Well, l was gonna dump this. -lt doesn't look like garbage. 329 00:18:10,849 --> 00:18:13,841 -Well, it's muffin stumps. -Where are the muffin tops? 330 00:18:14,009 --> 00:18:16,443 This is a garbage dump. Just let me dump it. 331 00:18:16,649 --> 00:18:18,241 Can't do it. 332 00:18:18,409 --> 00:18:22,960 -ls this a joke? -That's what l like to know about it. 333 00:18:24,929 --> 00:18:27,363 You have a pretty heavy beard, don't you? 334 00:18:27,529 --> 00:18:30,726 -What's that? -Look, it's almost time for you to shave. 335 00:18:30,929 --> 00:18:34,160 Oh, yeah. 336 00:18:35,569 --> 00:18:39,005 Well, maybe l will take it up with Consumer Affairs! 337 00:18:41,849 --> 00:18:44,488 Well, ladies and gentlemen, you're in for an additional treat. 338 00:18:44,649 --> 00:18:47,243 We're going to extend the tour at no extra charge. 339 00:18:47,409 --> 00:18:49,400 -Where are we going? -l don't know. 340 00:18:49,569 --> 00:18:51,480 No more questions. 341 00:19:12,169 --> 00:19:17,084 So the New York Yankees traded you for a bunch of Tyler Chicken? 342 00:19:17,249 --> 00:19:22,607 Dogs, twists, and a fermented chicken drink. 343 00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:26,287 Hey, aren't you the guy l asked to watch my clothes? 344 00:19:26,529 --> 00:19:27,882 -What clothes? -These clothes. 345 00:19:28,049 --> 00:19:29,960 The ones you're wearing. 346 00:19:34,609 --> 00:19:35,962 -Kramer, how much longer? -What? 347 00:19:36,129 --> 00:19:38,768 My chest hair's growing back, and it's itching me like crazy. 348 00:19:38,929 --> 00:19:41,318 -l can't let her see me scratch it. -Well, don't worry. 349 00:19:41,489 --> 00:19:45,721 -l got a good feeling about this dump. -l tell you, man, l'm losing it. 350 00:19:54,769 --> 00:19:57,329 l can't sit on this bus anymore. 351 00:19:57,489 --> 00:19:59,878 l think l'll go play with that dog. 352 00:20:02,049 --> 00:20:03,801 l don't know where the tops are. 353 00:20:09,169 --> 00:20:11,444 Jerry, what's the matter? 354 00:20:28,529 --> 00:20:30,520 That feels good. 355 00:20:37,369 --> 00:20:39,644 -Oh, hey, you looking for George? -Yes. 356 00:20:39,809 --> 00:20:43,199 He's been in the bathroom a while. You might wanna check on him. 357 00:20:44,249 --> 00:20:46,126 Jerry, you gotta bring me some clothes here. 358 00:20:46,289 --> 00:20:47,642 l lost my job with the Yankees. 359 00:20:47,809 --> 00:20:50,482 l'm standing in a men's room on 43rd Street in my underpants. 360 00:20:50,649 --> 00:20:54,005 l told you this city would eat you alive. 361 00:20:56,449 --> 00:20:59,122 And l think my relationship's in trouble. 362 00:21:01,889 --> 00:21:04,767 -What is this guy again? -They call him a cleaner. 363 00:21:04,929 --> 00:21:07,489 He makes problems go away. 364 00:21:24,609 --> 00:21:26,520 -Hello, Elaine. -Where did you get the car? 365 00:21:26,689 --> 00:21:28,281 lt's a rental. 366 00:21:29,209 --> 00:21:31,484 -Where are they? -ln the back. 367 00:21:32,289 --> 00:21:35,167 All right. l'm gonna need a clean eight-ounce glass. 368 00:21:35,329 --> 00:21:40,244 -What is going on here? -lf l'm curt, then l apologize. 369 00:21:40,449 --> 00:21:42,838 But as l understand it, we have a situation here. 370 00:21:43,009 --> 00:21:45,204 And time is of the essence.