1 00:00:04,500 --> 00:00:06,456 So Whatley's still Jewish, huh? 2 00:00:06,620 --> 00:00:09,373 Sure, without the parents, it's a breeze. 3 00:00:09,540 --> 00:00:12,691 - Hey, Happy Hanukkah. - Hey, Tim. Great party. 4 00:00:12,860 --> 00:00:14,578 Yeah. 5 00:00:15,540 --> 00:00:18,293 Hey, George, thanks again for getting me those Yankee tickets. 6 00:00:18,460 --> 00:00:20,371 Oh, yeah, still in good with the ground crew. 7 00:00:20,540 --> 00:00:22,496 That's good. Look, I'd better circulate. 8 00:00:22,660 --> 00:00:24,537 Happy Hanukkah, Tiffany. 9 00:00:24,700 --> 00:00:27,931 This place is like Studio 54 with a menorah. 10 00:00:28,100 --> 00:00:30,330 I'm gonna get more of these kosher cocktail franks. 11 00:00:31,500 --> 00:00:35,459 Oh, I got Denim Vest checking me out. 12 00:00:36,020 --> 00:00:37,692 Fake phone number's coming out tonight. 13 00:00:37,860 --> 00:00:39,373 Oh, you have a standard fake? 14 00:00:40,020 --> 00:00:42,739 Spell's out "No Elaine." 15 00:00:43,260 --> 00:00:46,172 - Isn't that eight letters? - The extra E is for... 16 00:00:48,220 --> 00:00:49,778 That's neat. 17 00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:52,536 No, please. Denim Vest. 18 00:00:52,700 --> 00:00:55,612 He's smoothing it. Jerry. God. 19 00:00:55,780 --> 00:00:57,213 Hi. 20 00:00:57,700 --> 00:00:59,418 - Hi, I'm Jerry. - Hi. 21 00:00:59,580 --> 00:01:03,209 You might not know it to look at me, but I can run really, really fast. 22 00:01:05,140 --> 00:01:09,497 Nice vest. I like the big metal buttons. 23 00:01:09,660 --> 00:01:13,778 They're snaps. Listen, maybe we should go out sometime? 24 00:01:13,940 --> 00:01:16,613 Why don't I give you my phone number? 25 00:01:20,420 --> 00:01:21,648 How did it go with that girl? 26 00:01:21,820 --> 00:01:23,731 Great, I'm going out with her tomorrow night. 27 00:01:23,900 --> 00:01:26,733 - How did it go with the franks? - Great. Ate the entire platter. 28 00:01:26,900 --> 00:01:29,653 - Had to call in sick today. - Didn't you call in sick yesterday? 29 00:01:29,820 --> 00:01:31,651 Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing. 30 00:01:31,820 --> 00:01:34,812 - "We don't care and it shows." - You gotta open your mail here? 31 00:01:34,980 --> 00:01:37,289 Hey, at least I'm bringing something to this. 32 00:01:37,460 --> 00:01:40,338 "Have you seen me?" Nope. 33 00:01:40,500 --> 00:01:41,933 There's something from Whatley. 34 00:01:42,100 --> 00:01:46,093 See? You give and you get. This is what I'm trying to teach you. 35 00:01:46,260 --> 00:01:49,377 "This holiday season a donation has been made in your name... 36 00:01:49,540 --> 00:01:51,895 ...to the Children's Alliance"? - Oh, that's nice. 37 00:01:52,060 --> 00:01:55,291 I got him Yankee tickets. He's saying, "I gave your gift to someone else." 38 00:01:55,460 --> 00:01:58,179 - To a children's charity. - Don't you see how wrong that is? 39 00:01:58,340 --> 00:02:01,298 Where's your Christmas spirit? An eye for an eye. 40 00:02:01,460 --> 00:02:04,338 Do me a favour, don't give me anything this year. 41 00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:06,616 - Hey. - Hey. 42 00:02:07,340 --> 00:02:08,898 Oh, nothing for me. 43 00:02:09,060 --> 00:02:12,018 - I'm going to Atomic Sub later. - Why are you eating there? 44 00:02:12,180 --> 00:02:14,933 I got a card and they stamp it every time I buy a sub. 45 00:02:15,100 --> 00:02:18,456 Twenty-four stamps and I become a submarine captain. 46 00:02:18,620 --> 00:02:20,258 What does that mean? 47 00:02:20,420 --> 00:02:21,978 Free sub. 48 00:02:24,900 --> 00:02:27,733 - What? - Nothing. It's a card from my dad. 49 00:02:27,900 --> 00:02:30,334 - What is it? - Elaine. 50 00:02:31,300 --> 00:02:34,497 "Dear son, happy Festivus." 51 00:02:34,660 --> 00:02:36,651 - What is Festivus? - It's nothing. Stop it. 52 00:02:36,820 --> 00:02:38,173 - When George was growing... - No. 53 00:02:38,340 --> 00:02:41,696 His father hated all the commercial religious aspects of Christmas. 54 00:02:41,860 --> 00:02:43,339 - Yeah? - He made up his own holiday. 55 00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:46,810 Oh, and another piece of the puzzle falls into place. 56 00:02:46,980 --> 00:02:49,699 - All right. - And instead of a tree... 57 00:02:49,860 --> 00:02:51,771 ...didn't your father put up an aluminium pole? 58 00:02:51,940 --> 00:02:53,976 - Stop it. - Weren't there feats of strength... 59 00:02:54,140 --> 00:02:55,539 ...that ended up with you crying? 60 00:02:55,700 --> 00:02:59,136 I can't take it anymore. I'm going to work. You happy now? 61 00:03:01,700 --> 00:03:02,735 Hey, neighbour. 62 00:03:02,900 --> 00:03:05,016 Are you reading my VCR manual? 63 00:03:05,180 --> 00:03:08,650 Well, we can't all be reading the classics, Professor High Brow. 64 00:03:08,820 --> 00:03:12,893 Oh, I can't believe it. I've lost my Atomic Sub card. 65 00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:16,814 Oh, no. I bet I wrote that fake number on the back of it... 66 00:03:16,980 --> 00:03:19,130 ...when I gave it to Denim Vest. - So? 67 00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:22,053 I've eaten 23 bad subs. I just need one more. 68 00:03:22,220 --> 00:03:25,053 It's like a long bad movie, but you wanna see the end of it. 69 00:03:25,220 --> 00:03:26,573 - No, you walk out. - All right. 70 00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:29,379 Then it's like a boring book. You gotta finish it. 71 00:03:29,540 --> 00:03:31,451 No, you wait for the movie. 72 00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:35,299 I want that free sub. 73 00:03:35,460 --> 00:03:37,337 You don't need the card. 74 00:03:37,500 --> 00:03:40,412 High-end hoagie outfit like that. It's all computerised. 75 00:03:40,580 --> 00:03:43,140 Technology. They're cloning sheep now. 76 00:03:43,300 --> 00:03:46,497 No, no, no. They're not cloning sheep. It's the same sheep. 77 00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:50,050 I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick with two goats and a handkerchief... 78 00:03:50,220 --> 00:03:52,415 ...on the old Dean Martin Show. 79 00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:55,452 Now I gotta get ahold of Denim Vest. 80 00:03:55,620 --> 00:03:58,612 Why don't you try your blow-off number, see if he's called it? 81 00:03:58,780 --> 00:04:00,577 That's a good idea. 82 00:04:05,380 --> 00:04:06,972 Yeah, go. 83 00:04:07,140 --> 00:04:08,698 What? 84 00:04:09,220 --> 00:04:10,414 Really? 85 00:04:10,580 --> 00:04:12,332 Yeah, okay. Yeah. Bye. 86 00:04:12,500 --> 00:04:16,891 Great news. Yeah, the strike's been settled. I'm going back to work. 87 00:04:17,060 --> 00:04:18,732 - What strike? - H & H Bagels. 88 00:04:18,900 --> 00:04:19,935 That's where I worked. 89 00:04:20,100 --> 00:04:21,215 - You? - Worked? 90 00:04:21,380 --> 00:04:22,733 - Bagels? - Yeah, look, see? 91 00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:24,379 I still have my business card. 92 00:04:24,540 --> 00:04:26,895 Yeah, we've been on strike for 12 years. 93 00:04:27,060 --> 00:04:29,449 Hey, I remember seeing those guys picketing out there. 94 00:04:29,620 --> 00:04:31,292 But I haven't seen them in a long time. 95 00:04:31,460 --> 00:04:33,371 H & H wouldn't let us use their bathroom... 96 00:04:33,540 --> 00:04:34,814 ...while we were picketing. 97 00:04:34,980 --> 00:04:37,858 Kind of put a cramp in our solidarity. 98 00:04:38,860 --> 00:04:40,896 What were your demands? 99 00:04:41,060 --> 00:04:44,052 Yeah, 5.35 an hour, and that's what they're paying now. 100 00:04:44,220 --> 00:04:46,495 I believe that's the new minimum wage. 101 00:04:46,660 --> 00:04:48,491 And now you know who to thank for that. 102 00:04:48,660 --> 00:04:52,494 - All right, I gotta go. - Why didn't you ever mention this? 103 00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:55,094 Well, Jerry, I didn't want you to know I was out of work. 104 00:04:55,260 --> 00:04:56,739 It's embarrassing. 105 00:05:00,420 --> 00:05:03,332 All right, everybody, I'm back. 106 00:05:05,060 --> 00:05:08,370 - Who are you? - Cosmo Kramer. Strike's over. 107 00:05:08,540 --> 00:05:10,656 Oh, yeah, Kramer. 108 00:05:10,820 --> 00:05:12,492 Didn't any of the other guys come back? 109 00:05:12,660 --> 00:05:16,175 No. I'm sure they all got other jobs like 10 years ago. 110 00:05:16,340 --> 00:05:18,410 What? Man. 111 00:05:18,580 --> 00:05:21,333 Well, it kind of makes you wonder what it was all for. 112 00:05:21,500 --> 00:05:23,297 I could use someone for the holidays. 113 00:05:23,460 --> 00:05:26,497 All right. Toss me an apron. Let's bagel. 114 00:05:29,740 --> 00:05:32,049 - What are those? - Those are raisin bagels. 115 00:05:33,020 --> 00:05:35,375 I never thought I'd live to see that. 116 00:05:36,780 --> 00:05:40,409 So anyway, I've been giving out your phone number as my standard fake. 117 00:05:40,580 --> 00:05:43,140 So you're Elaine Benes. 118 00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:45,939 We've been getting calls for you for five years. 119 00:05:46,660 --> 00:05:49,857 So listen, when this guy calls, if you could just give him my real number. 120 00:05:50,020 --> 00:05:52,693 Hey, Charlie, guess who's here. Elaine Benes. 121 00:05:52,860 --> 00:05:55,693 Elaine Benes? 122 00:05:55,860 --> 00:05:57,612 Elaine Benes. 123 00:05:59,540 --> 00:06:02,771 You make a lot of man friends. You know who's a man? 124 00:06:02,940 --> 00:06:06,410 Charlie here. He's a man. You know who else? Me. 125 00:06:06,580 --> 00:06:09,538 - I'm a man. - I'm a man. 126 00:06:09,700 --> 00:06:12,214 Oh, my. 127 00:06:12,380 --> 00:06:14,814 I'll have this Vest guy call your real number. 128 00:06:14,980 --> 00:06:17,972 You just give it to me... 129 00:06:18,140 --> 00:06:19,732 ...and that way I'll have it. 130 00:06:20,980 --> 00:06:22,811 My number? 131 00:06:24,900 --> 00:06:25,855 Okay. 132 00:06:27,340 --> 00:06:30,059 Well, here you go. 133 00:06:30,620 --> 00:06:36,058 And tell you what, put a sawbuck on Captain Nemo in the third at Belmont. 134 00:06:38,100 --> 00:06:39,055 Hey, Jerry. 135 00:06:39,220 --> 00:06:40,858 - Hey, Tim. - What's up? 136 00:06:41,020 --> 00:06:43,215 I'm having dinner with a girl I met at your party. 137 00:06:45,060 --> 00:06:47,574 Jerry. Hi. 138 00:06:48,860 --> 00:06:51,454 - Gwen? - Yeah. 139 00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:54,180 - Really? - Yeah. 140 00:06:55,300 --> 00:06:56,733 Come on, our table's ready. 141 00:07:00,940 --> 00:07:03,898 So attractive one day, not attractive the next. 142 00:07:04,060 --> 00:07:07,052 - Have you come across this? - Yes, I am familiar with the syndrome. 143 00:07:07,220 --> 00:07:10,815 - She's a two-face. - Like the Batman villain? 144 00:07:11,020 --> 00:07:13,534 If that helps you. 145 00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:16,009 If I ask her out again, I don't know who's showing up. 146 00:07:16,180 --> 00:07:17,499 The good, the bad, or the ugly. 147 00:07:17,660 --> 00:07:19,378 - Clint Eastwood. - Yeah. 148 00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:20,655 Hey, check this out. 149 00:07:20,820 --> 00:07:22,890 I gotta give Christmas presents at Kruger... 150 00:07:23,060 --> 00:07:24,493 ...so I'm pulling a Whatley. 151 00:07:24,660 --> 00:07:27,618 "A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund." 152 00:07:27,780 --> 00:07:29,771 - What is that? - Made it up. 153 00:07:30,820 --> 00:07:34,335 "The Human Fund. Money for people." 154 00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:35,615 What do you think? 155 00:07:36,140 --> 00:07:38,176 It has a certain understated stupidity. 156 00:07:38,660 --> 00:07:40,810 The Out/aw Josey Wa/es. 157 00:07:40,980 --> 00:07:42,174 Yeah. 158 00:07:44,260 --> 00:07:46,251 - Bagels on the house. - Hey. 159 00:07:46,420 --> 00:07:48,251 - How was your first day? - Oh, fantastic. 160 00:07:48,420 --> 00:07:51,218 It felt so good to get my hands back in that dough. 161 00:07:52,700 --> 00:07:55,419 - Your hands were in the dough? - No, I didn't make these bagels. 162 00:07:57,340 --> 00:08:00,457 Yeah, they're day-olds. The homeless won't even touch them. 163 00:08:00,620 --> 00:08:03,134 We try to fool them by putting a few fresh ones on top... 164 00:08:03,300 --> 00:08:05,939 ...but they dig, they test. 165 00:08:07,140 --> 00:08:11,053 - All right. I'm out of here. - Happy Festivus. 166 00:08:11,220 --> 00:08:12,812 - What's Festivus? - When George was... 167 00:08:12,980 --> 00:08:14,095 - No. - His father... 168 00:08:14,260 --> 00:08:15,329 Stop it. It's nothing. 169 00:08:15,500 --> 00:08:19,209 It's a stupid holiday my father invented. It doesn't exist. 170 00:08:19,380 --> 00:08:21,496 Happy Festivus, Georgie. 171 00:08:23,060 --> 00:08:26,814 Frank invented a holiday? He's so prolific. 172 00:08:26,980 --> 00:08:29,733 Kramer. Listen, I got a little phone relay going. 173 00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:33,290 So if a guy calls H & H and he's looking for me, you take a message. 174 00:08:33,460 --> 00:08:35,371 You're still trying to get that free sub? 175 00:08:35,540 --> 00:08:40,330 Hey, I have spent a lot of time and I have eaten a lot of crap... 176 00:08:40,500 --> 00:08:44,698 ...to get to where I am today, and I am not throwing it all away now. 177 00:08:44,860 --> 00:08:46,930 Is there a captain's hat involved in this? 178 00:08:47,420 --> 00:08:48,853 Maybe. 179 00:08:50,460 --> 00:08:52,178 Kramer, I got your message. 180 00:08:52,340 --> 00:08:54,774 I haven't celebrated Festivus in years. 181 00:08:54,940 --> 00:08:57,613 - What is your interest? - Well, just tell me everything. 182 00:08:58,820 --> 00:09:02,176 Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. 183 00:09:02,340 --> 00:09:07,016 I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. 184 00:09:07,420 --> 00:09:11,459 As I rained blows upon him, I realised there had to be another way. 185 00:09:11,620 --> 00:09:13,850 - What happened to the doll? - It was destroyed. 186 00:09:14,020 --> 00:09:17,808 But out of that a new holiday was born. 187 00:09:17,980 --> 00:09:20,858 A Festivus for the rest of us. 188 00:09:21,020 --> 00:09:22,772 That must have been some kind of doll. 189 00:09:23,660 --> 00:09:25,378 She was. 190 00:09:27,940 --> 00:09:30,249 Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. 191 00:09:30,420 --> 00:09:34,299 Oh, Sandy, here is a little something for you. 192 00:09:36,940 --> 00:09:37,929 Thanks. 193 00:09:38,100 --> 00:09:42,093 Phil, loved those cigars. Incoming. 194 00:09:42,340 --> 00:09:46,936 - Mr. Kruger, sir. Merry Christmas. - Not if you could see our books. 195 00:09:47,100 --> 00:09:49,216 - What is this? - The Human Fund. 196 00:09:50,180 --> 00:09:52,171 - Whatever. - Exactly. 197 00:09:52,340 --> 00:09:53,614 Merry Christmas. 198 00:09:53,780 --> 00:09:57,455 And at the Festivus dinner you gather your family around and tell them... 199 00:09:57,620 --> 00:10:01,169 ...all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year. 200 00:10:01,340 --> 00:10:03,854 - And is there a tree? - No. Instead there's a pole. 201 00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:08,411 Requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting. 202 00:10:08,580 --> 00:10:12,334 Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch. 203 00:10:12,500 --> 00:10:13,728 - Let's do it then. - All right. 204 00:10:13,900 --> 00:10:17,973 Festivus is back. I'll get the pole out of the crawlspace. 205 00:10:18,140 --> 00:10:19,778 - Hello, Frank. - Hello, woman. 206 00:10:20,900 --> 00:10:23,130 Kramer. Kramer. Any word from the Vest? 207 00:10:23,300 --> 00:10:24,369 No, no. 208 00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:26,735 Listen, Harry, I need the 23rd off. 209 00:10:26,900 --> 00:10:30,495 Hey, I hired you to work during the holidays. This is the holidays. 210 00:10:30,660 --> 00:10:32,491 - But it's Festivus. - What? 211 00:10:33,020 --> 00:10:35,580 You're infringing on my right to celebrate new holidays. 212 00:10:35,740 --> 00:10:37,935 - That's not a right. - Well, it's going to be... 213 00:10:38,100 --> 00:10:40,250 ...because I'm going back on strike. 214 00:10:40,740 --> 00:10:42,014 Yeah, it's a walkout. 215 00:10:42,180 --> 00:10:43,693 I gotta stay and wait for the call. 216 00:10:43,860 --> 00:10:45,179 You're siding with management? 217 00:10:45,340 --> 00:10:46,773 - No. I'm just... - Scab. 218 00:10:46,940 --> 00:10:49,534 Scab. Scab. 219 00:10:50,660 --> 00:10:53,174 - Hey. - Boy, am I glad to see you. 220 00:10:53,340 --> 00:10:55,854 - You were expecting someone else? - You never know. 221 00:10:56,020 --> 00:10:58,170 You know, you might want to take the tunnel. 222 00:10:58,340 --> 00:11:01,298 So, what do you feel like eating? Chinese or Italian? 223 00:11:04,340 --> 00:11:06,490 I could go either way. 224 00:11:06,980 --> 00:11:09,016 You're telling me. 225 00:11:14,580 --> 00:11:16,855 So she was switching back and forth? 226 00:11:17,020 --> 00:11:17,975 The whole time. 227 00:11:18,140 --> 00:11:21,689 She was like a 3-D baseball card that changes depending on the angle. 228 00:11:21,860 --> 00:11:23,930 So one minute she's pretty and at the plate... 229 00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,409 ...and the next she's ugly and advancing the runners. 230 00:11:27,620 --> 00:11:30,373 - So, what happened next? - Well, we stopped by here... 231 00:11:30,540 --> 00:11:32,576 ...and the only place she always looked good... 232 00:11:32,740 --> 00:11:34,412 ...was in that back booth over there. 233 00:11:34,580 --> 00:11:36,616 Just bring her here. This is all you really need. 234 00:11:36,780 --> 00:11:39,135 I can't just keep bringing her to the coffee shop. 235 00:11:39,300 --> 00:11:41,336 I mean, what if things, you know, progress? 236 00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:42,979 Lights out. 237 00:11:44,100 --> 00:11:48,093 All right, I'll give it a shot. I do really like this coffee shop. 238 00:11:49,180 --> 00:11:51,899 - Nice cufflinks, by the way. - Office Christmas gift. 239 00:11:52,060 --> 00:11:54,096 I tell you, this Human Fund is a gold mine. 240 00:11:54,260 --> 00:11:56,091 That's not a French-cuff shirt, you know. 241 00:11:56,260 --> 00:11:58,569 I know, I cut the button off and poked a hole. 242 00:11:58,740 --> 00:12:00,378 Oh, that's classy. 243 00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:05,450 Well, happy Festivus. 244 00:12:05,620 --> 00:12:07,770 What is that? Is that the pole? 245 00:12:07,940 --> 00:12:12,650 George, Festivus is your heritage. It's part of who you are. 246 00:12:12,820 --> 00:12:14,333 That's why I hate it. 247 00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:17,776 There's a big dinner Tuesday night at Frank's house. Everyone's invited. 248 00:12:19,660 --> 00:12:21,252 George... 249 00:12:21,420 --> 00:12:24,412 ...you're forgetting how much Festivus has meant to us all. 250 00:12:24,580 --> 00:12:27,299 I brought one of the cassette tapes. 251 00:12:27,460 --> 00:12:30,293 - Read that poem. - I can't read it. I need my g/asses. 252 00:12:30,460 --> 00:12:33,258 You don't need g/asses. You're just weak. You're weak. 253 00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,092 Leave him a/one. 254 00:12:35,980 --> 00:12:41,657 A// right, George. It's time for the Festivus feats of strength. 255 00:12:41,820 --> 00:12:47,338 No, no. Turn it off. No feats of strength. I hate Festivus. 256 00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:49,453 We had some good times. 257 00:12:50,180 --> 00:12:54,458 - Hey. - Hi there. This is Kramer and Frank. 258 00:12:54,620 --> 00:12:57,851 - Hi. - Hello. 259 00:12:58,020 --> 00:13:01,012 - So you ready to go? - Why don't we stay here? 260 00:13:01,180 --> 00:13:03,694 The back booth just opened up. 261 00:13:09,860 --> 00:13:11,851 Now, this is a good-looking booth. 262 00:13:14,300 --> 00:13:16,973 Protect Festivus. Hey, no bagel, no bagel, no bagel, no bagel. 263 00:13:17,140 --> 00:13:19,131 Hey, no bagel, no bagel, no bagel... 264 00:13:19,300 --> 00:13:22,576 Lady, if you want a sandwich, I'll make you a sandwich. 265 00:13:22,740 --> 00:13:24,970 I want the one that I earned. 266 00:13:26,660 --> 00:13:28,093 I'll get it. I'll get it. 267 00:13:28,260 --> 00:13:30,820 - H & H and Elaine. - Elaine, you should get out of there. 268 00:13:30,980 --> 00:13:33,699 I sabotaged the bagel machine last night. It's going down. 269 00:13:33,860 --> 00:13:36,294 - What did you do? - You've been warned. 270 00:13:37,220 --> 00:13:38,778 Oh, hi. 271 00:13:40,180 --> 00:13:43,297 - Hey, the steam valve broke. - Can we still make bagels? 272 00:13:43,460 --> 00:13:45,928 Sure. It's just a little steamy. 273 00:13:46,980 --> 00:13:49,619 How do you like your bagels now? 274 00:13:56,860 --> 00:13:58,737 George, I got something for you. 275 00:13:58,900 --> 00:14:00,333 I'm supposed to find a charity... 276 00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:02,570 ...and throw some of the company's money at it. 277 00:14:02,740 --> 00:14:05,698 They all seem the same to me, so, what's the difference? 278 00:14:06,820 --> 00:14:10,176 - Twenty thousand dollars? - Made out to the Human Fund. 279 00:14:10,980 --> 00:14:12,049 Gee. 280 00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:15,898 Oh, damn, I've locked myself out of my office again. 281 00:14:17,380 --> 00:14:20,452 All right. I'm going home. 282 00:14:24,620 --> 00:14:28,408 Jerry, how many times do we have to come to this place? 283 00:14:28,580 --> 00:14:29,979 Why? It's our place. 284 00:14:30,140 --> 00:14:32,335 I just found a rubber band in my soup. 285 00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:34,491 Well, I know who's cooking today. 286 00:14:34,660 --> 00:14:38,494 - Hey, surprise, surprise. - Hey, Georgie. 287 00:14:38,660 --> 00:14:41,379 I think I'm just gonna go. 288 00:14:41,540 --> 00:14:42,575 I'll be here. 289 00:14:42,740 --> 00:14:45,049 - Hey, soup. - She didn't touch it. 290 00:14:48,260 --> 00:14:50,251 Paco. 291 00:14:52,660 --> 00:14:55,891 Hey, take a look at this. 292 00:14:58,180 --> 00:15:01,138 Twenty thousand dollars from Kruger? You're not keeping this. 293 00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:04,098 - I don't know. - Excuse me? 294 00:15:04,260 --> 00:15:06,171 I've been thinking, this might be my chance... 295 00:15:06,340 --> 00:15:07,693 ...to start giving back. 296 00:15:07,860 --> 00:15:10,169 You wanna give something back? Start with the $20,000. 297 00:15:10,340 --> 00:15:13,616 - I'm serious. - You're gonna start your own charity? 298 00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:16,817 I think I could be a philanthropist. A kick-ass philanthropist. 299 00:15:16,980 --> 00:15:19,778 I would have all this money and people would love me. 300 00:15:19,940 --> 00:15:21,931 Then, they would come to me and beg. 301 00:15:22,100 --> 00:15:24,091 And if I felt like it, I would help them out... 302 00:15:24,260 --> 00:15:26,012 ...and then they would owe me bigtime. 303 00:15:27,300 --> 00:15:30,292 The first thing I'm gonna need is a driver. 304 00:15:30,460 --> 00:15:32,735 No bagel, no bagel, no bagel, no bagel, no bagel. 305 00:15:32,900 --> 00:15:35,130 Kramer, the Vest just called. 306 00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:38,178 Yamahama, it's fright night. 307 00:15:39,220 --> 00:15:40,812 Oh, yeah. I got a little steam bath. 308 00:15:40,980 --> 00:15:45,212 Listen, in 10 minutes, I'm gonna have my hands on that Atomic Sub card. 309 00:15:45,380 --> 00:15:46,813 And? 310 00:15:47,420 --> 00:15:48,819 Free sub. 311 00:15:50,260 --> 00:15:51,898 - I'll see you. - Yeah. 312 00:15:53,900 --> 00:15:56,334 - Kramer. Hi. - Oh, hello. 313 00:15:56,500 --> 00:15:58,456 It's Gwen. We met at the coffee shop. 314 00:15:59,940 --> 00:16:01,692 I'm dating your friend, Jerry. 315 00:16:01,860 --> 00:16:03,930 Oh, I don't know who you really are... 316 00:16:04,100 --> 00:16:07,058 ...but I've seen Jerry's girlfriend and she's not you. 317 00:16:07,860 --> 00:16:10,738 You're much better- looking and like a foot taller. 318 00:16:11,340 --> 00:16:14,537 That's why we're always hiding in that coffee shop. 319 00:16:14,700 --> 00:16:18,010 - He's afraid of getting caught. - Oh, he's a tomcat. 320 00:16:18,540 --> 00:16:19,768 Steve. 321 00:16:21,220 --> 00:16:23,450 - It's Elaine. - From Tim Whatley's party? 322 00:16:23,620 --> 00:16:25,815 - Yeah. - You look... 323 00:16:26,180 --> 00:16:27,295 ...different. 324 00:16:27,860 --> 00:16:29,657 I see you're still sticking with the denim. 325 00:16:30,340 --> 00:16:31,932 Do you have that card that I gave you? 326 00:16:32,100 --> 00:16:34,819 Well, I had it back at my place... 327 00:16:34,980 --> 00:16:37,972 ...but I can't go there now. I'll give it to you later or something. 328 00:16:38,140 --> 00:16:40,017 No, no, no. You give me your number. 329 00:16:40,580 --> 00:16:43,140 Okay. Sure. 330 00:16:44,180 --> 00:16:45,977 - Do you have the mumps? - No. 331 00:16:46,140 --> 00:16:48,893 - Typhoid? - No. 332 00:16:49,060 --> 00:16:50,937 Yamahama. 333 00:16:55,380 --> 00:16:59,453 A fake number. Blimey. 334 00:17:01,420 --> 00:17:03,217 George, we've got a problem. 335 00:17:03,380 --> 00:17:06,099 There's a memo here from Accounting... 336 00:17:06,260 --> 00:17:10,139 ...telling me there's no such thing as the Human Fund. 337 00:17:11,980 --> 00:17:13,936 Well, there could be. 338 00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:16,375 But there isn't. 339 00:17:17,140 --> 00:17:21,338 Well, I could... I could give the money back. Here. 340 00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:23,218 George, I don't get it. 341 00:17:23,380 --> 00:17:27,373 If there's no Human Fund, those donation cards were fake. 342 00:17:28,660 --> 00:17:30,173 You better have a damn good reason... 343 00:17:30,340 --> 00:17:32,570 ...why you gave me a fake Christmas gift. 344 00:17:32,740 --> 00:17:37,689 Well, sir, I gave out the fake card because... 345 00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:41,617 ...I don't really celebrate Christmas. 346 00:17:42,540 --> 00:17:45,373 I celebrate Festivus. 347 00:17:45,540 --> 00:17:47,531 - Vemonus? - Festivus, sir. 348 00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:52,410 And I was afraid that I would be persecuted for my beliefs. 349 00:17:52,580 --> 00:17:55,048 They drove my family out of Bayside, sir. 350 00:17:55,220 --> 00:17:57,688 - Are you making all this up too? - Oh, no, sir. 351 00:17:57,860 --> 00:18:03,537 Festivus is all too real and I could prove it, if I have to. 352 00:18:04,220 --> 00:18:06,495 Yeah, you probably should. 353 00:18:08,300 --> 00:18:10,973 - Happy Festivus. - George. This is a surprise. 354 00:18:11,140 --> 00:18:14,894 - Who's the suit? - Yo, Dad, this is my boss, Mr. Kruger. 355 00:18:15,740 --> 00:18:18,413 - Have you seen the pole? - No, he doesn't need to see the pole. 356 00:18:18,580 --> 00:18:20,298 He's gonna see it. 357 00:18:22,660 --> 00:18:24,651 Happy Festivus. 358 00:18:24,820 --> 00:18:26,173 Yamahama. 359 00:18:26,340 --> 00:18:28,695 I didn't have time to go home. What are you doing here? 360 00:18:28,860 --> 00:18:31,533 - Embracing my roots. - They nailed you on the 20 G's? 361 00:18:31,700 --> 00:18:33,611 Busted cold. 362 00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:37,773 It's made from aluminium. Very high strength-to-weight ratio. 363 00:18:37,940 --> 00:18:40,977 I find your belief system fascinating. 364 00:18:42,340 --> 00:18:45,810 Hey, happy Festivus, everyone. 365 00:18:45,980 --> 00:18:49,529 - Hello, again, Miss Benes. - What are you doing here? 366 00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:52,772 Damnedest thing. Me and Charlie were calling to ask you out... 367 00:18:52,940 --> 00:18:54,931 ...and we got this bagel place. 368 00:18:55,100 --> 00:18:59,776 I told them I was just about to see you. It's a Festivus miracle. 369 00:18:59,940 --> 00:19:03,057 - Dinner's ready. - Let's begin. 370 00:19:05,500 --> 00:19:08,014 Dr. Van Nostrand. 371 00:19:08,180 --> 00:19:10,614 Oh, that's right. 372 00:19:11,620 --> 00:19:14,088 Welcome, newcomers. 373 00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:19,416 The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. 374 00:19:19,580 --> 00:19:21,616 I got a lot of problems with you people... 375 00:19:21,780 --> 00:19:24,419 ...and now you're gonna hear about it. 376 00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:26,252 Yo, Kruger. 377 00:19:26,420 --> 00:19:29,059 My son tells me your company stinks. 378 00:19:29,220 --> 00:19:30,812 Oh, God. 379 00:19:31,780 --> 00:19:33,532 Quiet, you'll get yours in a minute. 380 00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:35,455 Kruger. 381 00:19:35,620 --> 00:19:40,694 You couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe... 382 00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:43,899 I lost my train of thought. 383 00:19:47,980 --> 00:19:49,891 - Jerry. - Gwen? 384 00:19:50,060 --> 00:19:52,733 - How did you know I was here? - Kramer told me. 385 00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:54,970 Another Festivus miracle. 386 00:19:57,700 --> 00:20:00,009 I guess this is the ugly girl I've been hearing about. 387 00:20:01,380 --> 00:20:04,736 Hey, I was in a shvitz for six hours. Give me a break. 388 00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:09,376 Gwen. Gwen, wait. 389 00:20:10,660 --> 00:20:12,378 Bad lighting on the porch. 390 00:20:12,540 --> 00:20:16,738 - Hey, how did my horse do? - He had to be shot. 391 00:20:18,460 --> 00:20:22,169 And now as Festivus rolls on, we come to the feats of strength. 392 00:20:22,340 --> 00:20:23,773 Not the feats of strength. 393 00:20:23,940 --> 00:20:26,579 This year the honour goes to Mr. Kramer. 394 00:20:28,540 --> 00:20:30,337 Oh, gee, Frank, I'm sorry. I gotta go. 395 00:20:30,500 --> 00:20:32,331 I have to work a double shift at H & H. 396 00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:34,809 - I thought you were on strike. - Yeah, well, I caved. 397 00:20:34,980 --> 00:20:36,811 I mean, I really had to use their bathroom. 398 00:20:36,980 --> 00:20:39,892 Frank, no offence, but this holiday's a little... 399 00:20:40,060 --> 00:20:41,049 ...out there. 400 00:20:41,220 --> 00:20:42,494 Hey, Kramer, you can't go. 401 00:20:42,660 --> 00:20:44,332 Who's gonna do the feats of strength? 402 00:20:44,500 --> 00:20:46,650 How about George? 403 00:20:47,460 --> 00:20:48,654 Good thinking, Cougar. 404 00:20:50,220 --> 00:20:53,769 Until you pin me, George, Festivus is not over. 405 00:20:53,940 --> 00:20:56,898 Oh, please. Somebody stop this. 406 00:20:57,060 --> 00:20:59,620 Let's rumble. 407 00:20:59,780 --> 00:21:02,772 - I think you can take him, Georgie. - Hey, come on. Be sensible. 408 00:21:02,940 --> 00:21:05,215 Stop crying and fight your father. 409 00:21:05,380 --> 00:21:09,259 - Oh, I give. I give. - This is the best Festivus ever. 410 00:21:36,860 --> 00:21:39,533 All right. That's enough. You're fired. 411 00:21:40,100 --> 00:21:42,011 Thank you.