How about Monday morning? No, I have athing with someone from c.I.A.,
uh, Johnson someone or other.
It's about that whole Kinsey thing.
So, any big plans for the weekend?
Oh, yeah. Big. Huge!
Yeah. Me neither.
What are you talking about?
I just walked in with awhole handful of ingredients
for my world famous omelet.
World famous, huh? What's in it?
Eggs.
I don'tthink that that actually qualifies as a recipe.
Oh, don't kid yourself.
There's a secret ingredient.
I can't tell you what it is, or I'd have to shoot you.
It's beer, isn't it?
Carter—...
Let me call you back. I knew it.
Hello.
You're Jack O'Neill.
Yes.
Here's a better question—— Who are you?
That doesn't matter... To anyone.
All you need to know is...
You ruined my life.
We should have gotten here earlier,
when the real deals were still available.
Honey, it's 7:00 am.
Joe, start over there
and see if you can find a lamp
that would work in the TV room.
Oh, my lord, look!
They have those old English tea tins.
Security breached.
They just got corridor c9 open.
All right. Let's go.
Excuse me.
How much?
So, there's this fella who walks into a bar,
and he sees an ape sitting there...
Sorry, no, he sees a gorilla. That's it. Right.
There's this gorilla sitting there
drinking a coke.
So he says to the bartender,
"hey, what's with the gorilla drinking that drink?"
Well, the barten der says, "yeah, that ape usually orders a coke."
I mean, a beer. He usually orders a beer.
Boss, is it an ape or a gorilla?
'Cause they're completely different species, you know.
It doesn't matter.
It could be a monkey. The point is—...
The point is, Joe,
it's a good thing you can cut hair.
Are we about done here?
All set.
Because someone somewhere out there
needs themselves a new car—...
Whether they know it or not, you know whati mean?
I feel the power to sell moving through me today!
Boys... it's been a slice.
Thanks, Fred.
See you, Fred.
Bow down now.
Show your reverence for my son...
The mighty warrior klorel.
Hail apophis.
Oh, we are reading the best book
in book club this week.
It's called the heart of a woman.
It is such a powerful story.
Oh, every time ithink about it—...
You want to hear a story?
Oh, sure, dear. I'm sorry.
What happened to you today at the shop?
No, it's not work related.
I have a story. What do you mean?
You know, like in those books you read,
only different.
Okay, sure.
It's about ateam of adventurers known as sg—I.
Th ey travel to other plan ets
through an alien device known as a Stargate.
Their leader is the fearless colonel Jack o'—...
O'Neill, prepare yourself for—...
Ah!
Extreme deceleration.
Yeah. Than ks, Teal'c.
You get to see your home
one last time...
Before you
and everyone on your planet
are destroyed,
andyour kind
will disturb the Goa'uld no more.
So who are the Goa'uld again?
The bad guys.
And this... "Skaara" character?
Yeah, I thought you said
his name was klorel.
I know it's a little complicated.
Just wait.
I haven't gotten to the good part yet.
Skaara!
Aw, skaara...
I'm sorry.
That's it?
I think so.
For now, anyways.
What happens to earth?
I don't know.
I mean, I haven't figured that part out yet.
Well, you got to finish it, dad.
You can't just end a story in the middle.
I tell you what—...
You get all your chores done,
and I'll finish the story tomorrow.
Chores?
What are we, amish?
An dy!
Go do your homework.
He's gotten so precocious.
You hated it, didn'tyou?
Well, you know
I'm notthe biggest science—fiction fan,
but, no, no...
It was... it was just... So detailed.
How did you come up with it?
Honestly, I don't know. I—...
It just sort of popped into my head.
That's amazing, really.
What didn't you like about it?
Don't get me wrong. It was exciting.
It's just that personally, I like stories
that are more about interpersonal relations,
and a little less to do with things blowing up.
A giant fireball in the night sky!
You say these folks are a military unit?
Yeah, they're part of the us. Air force.
But they travel to other plan ets.
Th rough the Stargate.
Which is a time—travel machine?
It's an alien device that creates a stable wormhole,
allowing instantaneous travel to other worlds.
Time has nothing to do with it.
Boss, a question.
Uh, these...
Goo—old—...
Goa'uld.
Goah—old.
Goa'uld.
Never mind. The bad guys,
you said they've got snakes in their heads?
Symbiotes, yes.
And what about the fellas with the ones in their bellies?
They're different. They're called Jaffa.
They incubate the symbiotes till they're ready for implantation.
Now, you see, Joe, that's confusing.
He's right, boss.
I mean, why can't there be
just one kind of bad guy?
You know, snake goes in the head, makes them evil, the end.
You could call 'em "the snake people."
Yeah, "snake people" is good.
They're not called "the snake people,"
they're called the Goa'uld,
and the Jaffa aren't bad guys,
they're enslaved warriors
who mistakenly believe
that the Goa'uld are their gods,
and it's not confusing, it's complex!
Um...
Edge of my seat.
The whole time.
United States air force.
How may I direct your call?
Uh, hi, I'm trying to reach one of your officers,
a colonel Jack O'Neill.
Two "I" s.
May I have your name, please,
and the nature of your call?
My name?
Yes, please.
Uh, right, right, of course.
My name is Joe... Smith.
Listen, I realize colonel O'Neill
is probably unavailable,
off on some important mission somewhere, but...
I know this is an odd request.
I mean, I don't know
if you know colonel O'Neill personally, but...
Could you describe him to me?
You know, height, weight, shoe size,
sense of humor, that sort of thing.
I really can't do that, sir.
Oh. Of course. Sure. National security.
Now, am I understanding correctly
thatthere really is a colonel Jack O'Neill
in the air force?
Is there a message you would like to leave for him, sir?
That's fine. Thank you.
So, in the end,
rya'c was freed from apophis' control.
Teal'c, drey'auc, an d rya'c
were once again a family.
Butteal'c is still going back to Stargate command
to fight for the freedom of the Jaffa?
Yes, of course.
He's going to take drey'auc and rya'c
to a place where they'll be safe.
So, the Goa'uld won't put any more bombs in rya'c's teeth?
That's right.
Now, go to sleep
cool story, dad.
Joe, where do you get these ideas you've had lately?
I don't know.
Fully formed ideas, plots, characters—...
Just like that?
They just appear in your head?
Basically.
Why are you looking at me like that?
I thinkyou've gotten in touch with your dormant creativity,
accessed your wellspring of imagination.
What?
I've read about this happening to other people.
You're opening yourself up to your inner muse.
My inner muse?
It's your midlife crisis.
It is?
Except instead of chasing your youth
by buying a sports car or going hang gliding,
you're seeking immortality through creativity.
We can't afford a sports car.
Honey, it's a good thing.
Especially if it means
you're not going to have an affair with a younger woman.
Wait a second, wait a second...
You said Teal'c put his face
up to that head—grabber thing
before O'Neill. Why didn't he get grabbed first?
Guys, itold you.
Save your questions until I finish.
Now, what was left of colonel O'Neill's mind
managed to dial a gate address...
One they had never dialed before.
The asgard?
Those little gray guys. Right.
Shut up and let him finish, Bert.
And I don't want to sound ungrateful,
because I really, really appreciate
you getting all that stuff out of my head...
But you folks should understand...
That we're out there now.
We might not be ready
for a lot of this stuff,
but we're doing the best we can.
You have already taken the first steps
towards becoming the fifth race.
Well, what about the furlings?
Are we ever going to hear aboutthem?
Oh, of course.
I'm sure we'll——we'll hear lots of stories about them.
I mean, I'll make one up
furlings. They sound cute.
Like ewoks.
Andy, finish up,
or you're going to miss your bus, sweetie.
Morning. Good morning.
An d I want that lawn done today, mister.
It looks like a wheat field's growing in our backyard.
After school, mom, I promise.
Son, you get that lawn finished,
and I'll tell you all about the ree'tou.
Cool!
See you, mom. See you, dad.
The ree'tou?
Foothold situation at th e sgc.
Joe, don't take this the wrong way,
but maybe you should cut back on the storytelling a bit.
Why? Nothing, it's just...
Well, I've heard a few comments from people in town.
People? What people?
Not everyone wants to hear about Jack O'Neill and sg—I
every time they come in for a haircut.
They like hearing my stories.
Maybe they're just being polite, dear,
and it's not just at the shop.
Sam at the drugstore
said you talk his ear off
everytime you're there, and marjory at the bank,
and Lenny at the gas station.
Sharlene, you were the one who told me to follow my muse.
Now you want me to stop?
What if you write them down?
You mean like a... writer?
Putthem on paper.
You can have them there in the shop, like the magazines.
That way, if people want to read them, they can.
Sir, the timing has to be exact.
Just a few more seconds.
It's going to have to be close enough. Go!
"Young lieutenant Hammond...
"Faced a tough decision.
"Yet the strange foursome hardly seemed
like Soviet spies."
Honey, it's 3:00 in the morning. Come to bed.
Just let me finish this story.
That's what you said last night, and the night before that.
You've got to get up in four hours.
How are you going to cut people's hair
if you're dead on your feet all day?
Joe?
In a minute.
"They embraced,
"and he looked into her eyes one last time.
"He walked away with sadness in his heart,
"and she watched him go,
"wondering if she would ever see him again.
The en d."
That poor woman.
Do you think...
She was with child?
You'll just have to wait until the sequel.
You gotto be kidding me.
What? I got something in my eye.
Oh, you're such a softy.
See you tonight, honey.
Bye.
Bye, Cindy.
Morning, boys. Hey, Calvin.
Joe, looks like you got some letters
from those magazines in New York.
"Thank you for your submission.
Unfortunately..." blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
"Thank you for your interest. Best of luck in the future."
See, I'm not sure
you should've sent in this one about Seth.
It wasn't one of your best.
They rejected "hathor?"
But it was gold!
Dad. I'm writing!
Seriously, you've got to see this.
Prepare for an extreme adventure—...
What?
Check it out.
Four excellent heroes
in an extraordinary new sci—fi series,
starring Nick marlowe as the wry colonel danning.
As a matter of fact, it does say "colonel" on my uniform.
There's no such thing as original thought anymore.
We're all just regurgitating
the same old ideas over and over again,
boiling them down
to a giant melting pot of mediocrity.
Introducing Douglas Anders as grell.
Wormhole x—treme—— Coming this fall.
They stole my idea.
Hey, whatever happened to that lawsuit
you guys had against, uh...
What was that show called?
"Wormhole x—treme."
Nah, it was canceled only after one episode.
Bad ratings.
I liked it. Not as much as your stories, boss.
Actually, I have a new one.
Just came to me last night.
Sg—I finds outthere's a giant asteroid
h eaded toward earth—...
I saw the movie. Hits Paris.
Nah, this is different.
It starts when this amateur astronomer—...
Uh, actually, Joe,
if it's all right with you,
I'm not really in the mood.
Oh, come on, now.
Don't you want to know how sg—I stops it?
Here, I'll just tell you—...
Major Carter is able to expand the hyperspace window
from the cargo ship until it surrounds—...
Look, no offense,
but how many times can these folks
save the world from apophis?
What's it up to now, five, six times?
This story is about Anubis. Apophis is dead.
What's the diff? You know what I'm saying?
It's getting a little repetitive.
I mean, come on now. There must be other things
we can talk about besides sg—I.
You guys play golf?
Joe, I need to talk to you.
Just a second, honey. I'm in the zone.
Honey, stop typing. Writing.
Please.
What's up?
I want you to stop.
I just did.
I mean permanently.
What?
I've been going over our bills—...
Sharlene...
Joe, you closed the shop early
three times this week to come home and write.
I closed the shop
because business has been slow.
And you don't see the connection?
Don't worry, once I get a few stories published,
land an agent, things'll get better.
326.
That's how many rejection letters you've received.
You only need one "yes."
They're not reading them anymore.
Just sending them back unopened.
Bert and gordie like them.
They work for you.
What else are they going to say?
You haven't even read them all.
I read "holida," "the light," "the sentinel."
Okay, I admit those may have been
a few small missteps,
but on the whole, they're getting better, aren't they?
I don't know.
Well, what do you think the problem is? Tell me.
Maybe I can fix it.
Well, for one, it seems to me
like the team interaction isn't what it used to be in the beginning.
You hate them all?
No, I don't.
I hate what this is doing to you.
You really want me to stop?
Joe, how can this really be more important
than your livelihood?
Than your family?
Honestly, sharlene, I don'tthink I can stop.
Why not?
These stories...
I think...
Think? You think what?
I think they're real, sharlene.
I'm not making them up
they're happening... somewhere.
I can see them, and it's because of the stone.
Oh, Joe.
I can't explain it.
Somehow I think
it allows me to see these incredible things.
Thatyou believe are really happening?
Yes. Here. Try it.
Where is it?
Joe...
Did you take it?
Sharlen e... What'd you do with it?
Sharlen e!
What have you done with my stone?
It was for your own good!
Whoa.
Has he totally lost it or what?
Joe, please... you need help
son...
If you know where it is, justtell me.
I'm not mad. I just need my stone.
Mom?
You leave him out of this.
Joe, please!
You're scaring us.
Yes!
Where are you going?
I don't know.
No!
He can't be gone.
He's dead.
Daniel's dead.
He can't be gone.
Gordie, you're wearing out the floor.
Calvin.
Gentlemen.
Slow day?
What have you got, Calvin?
Looks like a stack of bills
and a couple more letters from those magazines.
Toss them.
There's, uh, also another letter here
from the air force.
You read it.
"Dear Mr. Spencer...
"Regarding your request
"to meet with colonel Jack O'Neill,
we regret to in form you that..."
Hey, Joe...
If you're so sure this is all real,
then why don't you follow it up
with more than just letters?
Call them up
tell them what you know. If it really is true—...
Are you kidding? I'd disappear in a heartbeat.
You think? Believe me,
if the government didn't get me, n.I.D. Is sure to.
I've seen it happen.
Do you remember armin selig?
Dead.
Right.
Well, look,
I got to... get back to my route now.
You guys take care.
Thanks, Calvin.
Hi, Jack.
Daniel?
I leave, and look at the mess you get yourself into.
Yes! Yeah!
Yes!
Sharlen e!
You home?
Sharlen e!
Sharlene, you won't believe it.
Sharlen e?
Oh, there you are.
Honey, it's incredible.
Daniel's still alive.
I mean, I know he ascended
to a higher plane of existence, but he—...
What are you doing?
Andy and I are going to my mother's for a while.
If you have even the slightest interest
in saving our marriage,
you'll see someone who can help you.
Sharlene, I don't need a shrink.
Sharlene—...
Honey, don't do this.
Please. Come on!
Honey, come on.
We can workthings out.
Sharlene, look,
our problems are small compared to—...
Wait, just—— let's talk.
Can we just talk this out?
Goodbye, Joe. I'll call you later.
Sharlen e!
Wait! Sharlene!
Dear colonel O'Neill—...
I understand you are Avery busy man,
however, I must wonder if you are actually getting
each and every piece of correspondence I send you.
I have written you many letters
and left countless messages for you
with the air force,
but I have yet to receive any kind of response from you.
Because of this, I realize I have no choice
but to take my life into my own hands
and come clean with you.
I know everything.
Jeez, gordie!
You scared the hell out of me.
Sorry. Sorry, I—...
It's okay, gordie.
I'm just glad it's you.
Boss, if it's all right with you,
me and Bert are going to head home.
It looks like nobody's coming in again today.
Yeah.
Well, look, I know this is kind of a bad time, but...
What is it, gordie?
Well, it's been really slow around here, and...
I kind of dropped off an application
at the piggly wiggly.
I understand.
You've got to do what you've got to do.
Thanks, boss. Good night.
'Night.
Activating hyperdrive!
Standing straight up.
Come on, boys!
Sir!
Thanks for seeing me.
You look great.
How are you?
Oh, I'm good.
Uh, very good. Uh...
Sharlene, I'm... I'm sorry
about everything that's happened.
I drove you and Andy away.
I understand that now. Joe—...
Just let me finish.
I was too wrapped up in the stories
to realize what was important.
I promise iwill focus on rebuilding my business,
on providing for my family,
if you'll give me another chance.
It was never about the money, Joe.
It was your obsession with that stone.
I know, I know, and I owe you both an explanation.
That's whyi brought you proof that my visions are real.
This is what Jack O'Neill actually looks like.
Now, I know whatyou're thinking,
but I swear I saw this image in my mind
long before it was in the paper. Joe...
And here, this report about
massive solar flare activity from six years ago.
It coincides with the time sg—I destroyed apophis' fleet,
andthis, aboutthe sinking of a Russian submarine?
It happened the same time
Anubis' ship crashed into the pacific ocean.
It just means that you're using real people and events
and incorporating them in your fantasies.
They're not fantasies.
Jack O'Neill is head of Stargate command.
There is no Stargate command!
Listen to me.
I've been talking to several doctors
about your symptoms,
andthey seem tothink that you might be suffering from
something called manic psychosis
combined with grandiose delusions,
but with therapy and medication,
you can probably live a normal life.
Oh, my god...
They're fighting in Antarctica
for earth's very survival.
Anubis' fleet is in orbit above us right now.
Joe, stop it. It's not real.
You don't understand!
If Jack can't find a way
to use the ancients' technology in time, we're all dead!
Goodbye, Joe.
It's happening, sharlene!
You'll see!
It's real.
Okay, look.
This obviously isn't your forte,
so why don't you just putthe gun down
before you get hurt?
Don't come any closer.
I know your gun isn't real.
However... mine is.
Oh, god! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're right, it's just a toy.
Please don't shoot me.
I'm not going to shoot you.
I'm sorry.
I just thought it was th e only way
to make you listen to me.
Oh, where you're going,
people will listen.
Th ey've got nothing to do
but listen to what you have to say.
Th ey've got nice white coats, padded walls, the whole nine yards.
Please, wait.
You're brigadier general Jack O'Neill,
head of Stargate command at Cheyenne mountain.
You used to command sg—I,
which is now led
by lieutenant colonel Samantha Carter.
You once visited a planet called argos,
and nanites in your blood
caused you to age artificially.
You've had the entire repository
of the ancients' knowledge
down loaded into your brain—— Twice.
You have athing for the Simpsons, fishing,
Mary steenburgen, the color peridot,
and you're a terrible ping—pong player.
Have we met?
My name is Joe Spencer. I'm a barber.
It's all true, isn't it?
Everything I've seen—...
The Stargate, the Goa'uld, the asgards.
It's all real.
Tell me it's real.
I need to know.
Well, first of all, Joe,
I'm not aterrible ping—pong player.
Between you and me, itotally see the analogy.
Burns as Goa'uld...
Thank you.
And don't worry.
I won't say a word about your feelings for—...
This is such an honor.
I don't know how to thank you
for all you've done for our planet.
There are not enough words.
It's nice to meet you too.
Joe Spencer.
I was particularly impressed
with the time you blew up that sun.
Well, thank you. I had a bit of help.
And as far as this whole Pete shanahan thing goes...
Joe...
Dr. Jackson.
Can I just say thank goodness you're back?
Not that Jonas was a bad guy,
but after all you've been through together,
you belong here with sg—I.
Thank you. Jack?
He's a barber.
Broke into your house?
Yeah.
Second week in a row.
Mm—hmm.
Alarm.
I'm thinking dog.
You could try locking your front door.
Shel kek nem Ron.
Joe, the barber.
Please be seated.
What have you got there, Carter?
Well, initial tests show
that Joe possesses the same ancient gene as you do.
I just want you to know,
if you ever need me to use the chair device in Antarctica
in defense of the planet, I'm there.
Thank you.
Other than that,
his physiology is completely normal.
Are there not a great many people who possess this ancient gene?
Yeah, I mean, how come I'm the only one seeing these things?
Yes. Good question. Pray tell?
Unfortunately, our knowledge of ancient physiology
is fairly limited.
The only otherthing we know
is that Joe has somehow managed
to gain access to huge amounts
of classified information,
mainly in regard to sg—I,
and that these visions are somehow connected
to the stone he found.
Anything on that?
Daniel's looking into it.
He did say there was something familiar about it.
You claim to receive these visions
only within the proximity of the stone.
Perhaps there is a connection between the stone
and your genetic predispositions.
I know the hair
makes you look different,
but didn't you used to be more gold—colored?
I think I've got it.
Ittook me a while to track it down, but...
You have one too?
They're a set.
Jack, you remember p3r—233? The planet where I—...
Where you found the quantum mirror
that sent you to an alternate reality,
where the Goa'uld invaded earth.
Hey, fella.
Hey, Jack.
This all the stuff we brought back from...
P3r—233? Yeah, you want to help me catalog it?
You bet, my favorite.
But it's all going to have to wait.
Hammond called a briefing.
We got some intel back
indicating that apophis
might not be so dead as we thought.
Something about... chulak.
I think the stones were a kind of
ancient long—range communication device,
allowing people to see events over great distances
through some sort of psychic connection.
Now, Jack must have activated the link between the stones
by picking up the second stone.
Now, after that, all that would be required
is a certain proximity to the stone
for the connection to be activated.
Now, seeing as howthe stone was being stored in the base archives—...
Butthat doesn't explain how
the other stone got to th e... wh ere? Where was it?
A garage sale.
The person who sold itto me
said his grandfather found it
on a dig in Egypt.
But that still doesn't explain the proximity issue.
I mean, if the stone general O'Neill touched was kept here,
how was Joe able to see
everything that happened to the general off—world?
I'm thinking he was getting most of it
from when Jack was writing his reports here on the base.
The stone was being stored just a few levels above.
That's why the stories were so easy to write.
It was like someone else had done most of the work for me.
An d... you say they all got rejected?
Wait a second.
If the stones work the way Daniel says,
shouldn't general O'Neill have been able to see
elements of Joe's life as well?
Th eoretically, yes, he would.
Bowling league Thursday nights?
You saw that?
You got game, son.
Wait a minute. Jack, you've been seeing
parts of the life of a barber in Indiana
for seven years, and you never mentioned it?
Yeah. Sure I did.
I know! Did.
No. No, you didn't, sir.
I didn't?
You didn't find it the least bit odd?
Actually, no.
I found it quite... relaxing.
Sharlene. I only have about 10 minutes,
and I really need to get right back to work.
Um, there's no easy way to say this...
I want a divorce.
I know. I mean, you have every right to,
but before we get to that,
there's someone who'd like to meet you.
Here he comes now.
Sharlene, meet general Jack O'Neill
of the United States air force.
It's a pleasure to meet you, ma'am.
I think we have some things to talk about.