Perhaps for a small amount of money I can give you a hand.
And when he got back from trying to find the lost treasure of Del Rio...
their convoy was attacked...
by a river pirate who goes by the name...
of El Cajon.
I think that's a Spanish word.
"Translation: The coffin."
[screaming]
(Hannibal) Maybe I could wear this suit.
I bet I'd wow them on the Amazon River.
You are crazy men, no?
[screaming]
I know where the lost city of Del Rio is.
So the lost city's there. It's really there.
(Doyle) And all its treasures are mine.
(Little John) And all its evils, too.
El Cajon is a pirate. He lives by a pirate's code.
We've got a code of our own.
Pull back!
Does Hannibal know what he's doing?
Probably not. But the other guys don't know either.
[crashing]
There. The Devil's Horns!
♪ He said, ooh-eh ooh-ah-ah N'
Who in hell are you?
The A-Team!
What will become of the A-Team?
Boy, do I love this movie.
(male narrator) In 1972, a crack commando unit...
was sent to prison by a military court...
for a crime they didn't commit.
These men promptly escaped...
from a maximum-security stockade...
to the Los Angeles underground.
Today, still wanted by the government...
they survive as soldiers of fortune.
If you have a problem, if no one else can help...
and if you can find them...
maybe you can hire the A-Team.
[gun firing]
(Little John) Go too far down this river, is me think.
All this nonsense about El Cajon, the river pirate.
These people really believe he's some kind of devil?
A mystical creature who can walk without one foot touching the ground.
You gotta be kidding.
El Cajon, he maketh no shadow.
Death follow him like silent friend.
El Cajon has cobra and moccasin around his neck.
They fear to bite him.
Look, our deal was you would take me to the Jurua Tributary...
and on past the settlement at Fonte Boa. I paid you for that distance.
That was before husband of me sister had vision last night.
Your brother-in-law chews cocoa leaves. He's high. He's loaded.
His pupils look like train tunnels.
He see tomorrow today.
Ah, he's a little bit crazy, me think.
[laughing]
But he is listened by others.
We're not turning back, Little John.
When we reach bend in river, we see.
That is me best think on it.
[birds chirping]
You say to them that I know where the lost city of Del Rio is.
[grunts]
The religious artifacts, they can have.
The treasures of their Peruvian Indians.
Much magic. Okay?
You and your family be big medicine.
Much magic.
He want two thing.
Okay. What?
You will offer your hand to El Cajon to save our lives.
That's easy enough. Sure. What else?
He want good luck medal from your neck.
My girlfriend gave me this St. Christopher.
Kind of a pre-engagement gift.
These things will take you round bend in river.
Nothing else.
[exclaiming]
[Little John laughing]
(Little John) It will be safe now.
I don't believe this.
So, looks like El Cajon's...
out scaring snakes on another part of the river.
El Cajon.
[yelling in Spanish]
[yelling]
[guns firing]
Maintain your course. We'll outrun him.
No, you must stop.
You will give him your hand.
I don't think this guy wants to shake hands.
No shake hands.
You will let him cut it off and you will offer it as a gift to save our lives.
[laughing]
(El Cajon) Good morning, señor.
You seem to be having a bit of trouble.
Perhaps for a small amount of money I can give you a hand.
I thought I was supposed to give you mine.
This is a very old Indian custom.
You give a hand to protect your friends.
Is very, very funny custom, no?
[El Cajon laughing]
[speaking in Spanish]
[guns firing]
[El Cajon speaking Spanish]
[El Cajon laughing]
(El Cajon) Such is the legend of El Cajon.
He will tell the others of the man who walks on one leg.
[laughing]
Perhaps a box of diamonds, eh?
It's my journal.
Your journal.
Yes...
very important, these words.
Just my personal stuff.
I see.
[laughing]
It is about many women, eh?
I think?
[El Cajon laughing]
I will read these words later.
[laughing]
[El Cajon laughing]
Señor, this is not the way for friends to welcome each other...
over the barrel of the pistola.
You're not my friend, fatso. Where's the rest of the money?
Isn't it you who's bringing the money to me?
Does not your boss, Señor Doylee, pay me...
to keep people off the river?
I'm through with you and I'm through with Doyle. I want what you've got.
[groans]
My bad leg, she aches.
May I sit down?
The man who walks with one foot get tired...
somedays.
You fat bucket of donkey sweat. Where is it?
You make a big mistake.
[gun firing]
It is a double barrel, señor.
The man who walks on one leg...
carries a shotgun in the other.
Is good trick, no, eh?
The fat bucket of donkey sweat do it again, eh?
[laughing]
[coughing]
(David) All right, cut.
You're making a big mistake with me, muchacho.
You're a $328-a-day goof in a monster suit.
When I say come out of the water fast,
I mean come out of the water fast.
(Hannibal) I'm just trying to give the character
some motivation, David.
(Hannibal) You see, David...
the Aquamaniac is a little confused here.
He's killed three girls...
but one, he sort of loved.
(David) Loved?
Loved.
Where the hell did you get that?
We're not doing Macbeth.
We're doing a cheese-sandwich horror movie here.
That doesn't mean it can't be performed well, David.
Right. That's lunch.
Lunch everybody.
David, I'm trying to give the Aquamaniac some soul.
Now, as corny as it seems...
he's the classic fish out of water.
You're putting me on?
No.
You see, he really comes from a lake in the African rain forest.
His egg was transported by mistake to I.A...
with a zoologist who was bringing back these ostrich eggs.
Now, he feels that--
I know the story, Smith.
I just want you to come out of the water faster.
Why do you put me through this?
I can't come out of the water faster and be sad...
and remorseful, and lost.
It can't be performed.
Mattie, get this guy out of this costume...
and get me another stiff from the wardrobe department.
One that won't bore the pants off me with this Stanislavsky drivel.
David, you are being unreasonable.
I'm just trying to give the Aquamaniac a soul.
I have done it in three movies.
Now, get this jerk off the set.
Are you on this company?
Oh, yeah, sure. I'm the Aquamaniac's dialogue coach.
Chicken a la king, please.
The Aquamaniac doesn't have any dialogue.
Uh-uh.
On page 26, he says...
[growling]
Now, that can be read...
[growling]
Or...
[grunting]
Now, I'm sure you could see what a total difference a line reading makes.
One is angry, and the other is really more of a question.
I'm not even gonna go into what he says on page 110 in his really big scene...
where he dies and says...
[screeching]
It's a really tricky piece of acting.
Of course, Smith and I are really beginning to find...
the true meaning and the depth of this character.
Personally, I see the line as an appeal for forgiveness.
You know, sort of a final animal cry in the wilderness.
You know, as a hopeful moment for future monsters...
wherever they are.
Come on, Face. I'm off the picture.
[stammering]
Well, it's show business.
I mean, I had a real back story on this character, Face.
I was giving it dimension.
Look, Hannibal...
Tawnia's over at my place.
She's been crying her eyes out all morning. She wants to talk to you.
Well, what're we supposed to do, huh?
Go down the Amazon and bail this playboy out?
What do I look like, a magician? Feet.
No, a fish out of water.
That was my whole concept of the character.
See, it's a classic. A kind of a Pygmalion with scales, huh?
Hannibal, what am I supposed to tell her, huh? She says she wants to marry him.
She wants us to go down there and look for him.
Maybe I could wear this suit. I bet I'd wow them on the Amazon River.
Give me that fish suit.
Another guy's coming down.
I had a real fix on this character.
Oh, well. Let's go talk to Tawnia, huh?
Great! I'll drive.
[engine starting]
And so the paper sent a stringer down to Monte Alegre...
which is a tiny town on the Jurua tributary of the Amazon.
There's a river Indian there, who goes by the name of Little John.
Little John. I like that.
He was in Brian's party, and the only one to get away.
Apparently their convoy was attacked...
by a river pirate who goes by the name...
of El Cajon.
(Face) El Cajon?
El Cajon? I think that's a Spanish word, not a name.
And you're engaged to this Brian Lefcourt?
Pre-engaged.
We gave each other these St. Christophers...
and when he got back from trying to find the lost treasure of Del Rio...
we were going to be married.
When did all this happen?
Last month.
When you guys were in South Carolina helping that old sheriff.
I don't want to be judgmental but...
well, marrying the rich owner of the newspaper where you work...
Rock Hudson and Doris Day did that movie in 1950.
I'm not marrying him for his money.
Let's get back to this lost city stuff.
There wouldn't happen to be some lost treasure in this lost city, would there?
Brian isn't after the treasure.
He has a doctorate in Archeology...
and there happen to be tremendous cultural finds...
that date back to the early Peruvian tribes.
Oh, well, now, this is encouraging.
Yeah? Yeah.
"El Cajon. Spanish translation: The coffin."
What kind of a scungele would call himself a coffin?
Well, probably the same kind that would call himself Hannibal.
[both snickering]
Come on, Face, Hannibal the Great was a general, he was a thinker.
A coffin is just a suitcase for a dead body. It lacks style.
It's klutzy, brutish.
The guy is a terrorist slob.
And I think I'd like to tell that to Mr. Coffin in person.
(Hannibal) Face, you spring Murdock, I'll get B.A.
(Face) Yes, yes, it was tragic.
That's why the family has asked me...
to handle the final part of the interment.
I don't quite understand.
Are you with the Congregational Church or Lyman Brothers Mortuary?
Both.
You see, it's all pre-packaging these days.
One-stop shopping, if you will.
Yes. Now, I've given you the paper work.
I wonder if I might have a few...
final moments with the deceased?
Now, that's Lieutenant Colonel...
Lawrence Bushman.
Colonel Bushman was taken away this morning, I thought.
If he was, would I be here with our Heaven Rider number six?
Your what? The coffin.
Oh.
Would you mind having a few of the attendants outside unload the hearse?
And which way might the hospital wing be?
To your left, second floor, right.
Thank you, child.
Yes, yes, lovely. Thank you.
And, if one of you might remain behind to help me with last rites?
Yes. Let me see.
Let me see. I think...
Oh, you, in the whatever.
Yes, he'll do nicely.
And if the rest of you could just wait outside, please. Thank you.
All right, Murdock, hop in. We're running a little late.
It's always the same. It's always the same.
They never ever give me what I ask for.
Murdock, it's all I could get, all right?
Are you kidding me?
Who would send me these little pillows...
and this pale beige lining?
What has this got to do with the rest of the set?
Has any thought been given as to who might play the lead...
and would he indeed look good in oak? Murdock--
I want you to get on to wardrobe and on to make-up...
and clean this mess up.
This entire production has been shtank from day one.
What're you, making a movie? The movie.
It's going to be fantastic. It's called Closed For Remodeling.
You could be a star.
Those eyes, those blue eyes are stunning!
Why don't you try the angle from inside.
That's a great idea. You and I are gonna work well together.
Those eyes, that hair, that chin, the way it frames the face.
I know.
Half the world's population should see it.
Where's Murdock?
The service was brief but very moving.
He broke down and asked if he could remain behind in the bathroom...
to compose himself.
♪♪[Murdock humming]
That was me.
I'm sorry, I sometimes get carried away.
[Murdock grunting]
We need all this stuff, Hannibal?
For a guy named "The coffin", I want to be able to stitch his bag with lead.
How come we gonna unload it from the van?
Because I have to ship it to where we're going.
We're flying, ain't we?
That's right, B.A.
It's out of the country and we're gonna have to fly there.
Only I don't fly, Hannibal.
And now that I know you want me to fly...
I ain't gonna turn my back on you.
You ain't gonna get me with no knock-out drops, man.
Ain't no way you're gonna get me to eat or drink anything.
I understand.
Then, you won't want...
this last swallow of your milk, I guess?
[grunts]
[thudding]
(Murdock) The movie business is in real trouble, Faceman.
Gross receipts are down.
I mean, the whole industry, it's, you know, it's run by attorneys anyway.
They cut a real filmmaker to shreds.
Have I got stories. Boy!
Have I got stories to tell you.
I mean, committees of men sitting around in smoke-filled offices...
What is this all about? Oh, this is gonna be fun.
He's making a movie.
A classic little film called Closed For Remodeling.
(Murdock) ...works of immense struggle, and I will not...
That's already opened. I saw it on a theater marquee last week.
Don't you do that to me, Hannibal.
One lunatic in this outfit is enough.
[laughing]
Oh, my gosh! Look at that face!
Have you ever considered a career in show business?
We have to pick up Tawnia.
We have a lot to do. Get out of there, Murdock.
You're making a big mistake. I'm telling you, both of you.
You, meet me in my office Monday, 5:00.
Hey, Señor Doylee.
I'm looking for Kruger.
He came over here two days ago with your money.
He never came back. I was about to send a man to you, señor.
He no show. I think maybe you no like my work.
I stop many boats, catch many men for you.
Well, maybe he took off with the money.
If he gets to Iquitos...
gets drunk and starts telling anybody what's going on here...
lam sure this will not happen. You killed him?
[laughing]
I am a simple river boat captain.
The jungle, she is very mean...
and it is a long dangerous way to Iquitos.
How many have you got? Twenty men, six women.
I will have them gathered up for you, señor.
Put them on your boat.
I didn't know you could read, muchacho?
Like this river, señor, lam a man with many turns.
It is of beautiful women who sing, dance...
drink wine and love, no?
Where did you get this? This belongs to Brian Lefcourt.
Is he known to you?
He owns some of the biggest newspapers in the world.
Ah!
An important man? He must be worth mucho dinero.
Where is he? I want him now.
[groaning]
My bad leg, she is aching.
It is time for poor crippled El Cajon to sit, I think.
Where is he, Cajon? Or I'll blow your stinking heart out.
And if you ever point this gun at me again...
I'll feed you your leg.
[laughing]
I like you, señor. You are a man to admire.
[people chattering]
Get them up. Load them aboard.
[men speaking Spanish]
(Doyle) Come on, move it.
Hold it. Put him in the forward cabin.
[man speaking Spanish]
Until next time. You are a joy, patrón.
[chuckling]
But you did a big mistake with me, muchacho.
(Murdock) I don't know! I do not know!
How am I supposed to make this classic...
if my driver keeps hitting every bump in the road?
[Murdock groans]
(B.A.) Help! Help!
[B.A. screaming]
Don't tell me I'm in this coffin, Hannibal!
If you tell me I'm in this coffin...
I'm going to start spilling you guys' teeth!
No, no, no, no, no. That's not a coffin, B.A., that's a Heaven Rider.
Yeah, we at Lyman Brothers like to think...
that there are no angry spirits in a Heaven Rider.
You guys slipped me down in a coffin. That's it. This is the last one.
It's gone too far, Hannibal. You hear me?
Sergeant Baracus, who was our Ordnance Officer in Vietnam?
I was. You know I was. Right.
Now, don't think of it as being shipped down here in a coffin...
think of it as accompanying our ordnance locker.
(Hannibal) And...
a job well done, Sergeant.
This is a coffin, Hannibal, it's not an ordnance locker.
Now, B.A., emote, emote, emote!
You guys brought me down in a coffin.
It will not be in the final cut, I promise!
[people chattering]
Yes?
(Hannibal) The Reverend O'Herlihy and I are transporting a coffin...
up past the bend in the river to the settlement at Fonte Boa.
We're looking for a river guide named Little John.
Do you know where I can find him?
They don't want us to leave. How hospitable.
Ladies and gentlemen...
my name is H. M. Murdock...
better known in the theatrical capitals of the world...
as H. M. M.,
or Mmm-hmm.
And I am the greatest director of the cinema...
that has ever exposed a frame of film...
and I usually get what I want.
So where are the 200 llama wool sweaters...
that I need for the barbeque scene on the beach?
You want to be in this picture, chickie, you better get what I want!
Well, are you gonna go get the sweaters...
or are you gonna pull one of these mealy-mouthed el foldos on me?
This is a joke? Your're kidding, señor.
A joke. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
(Murdock) You're gonna joke all the way...
on the plane back to L.A., boy-o!
[people murmuring]
I'm looking for a river guide named Little John.
He died.
No kidding. When did that happen?
Tomorrow.
(Churlisco) And you're gonna beat him into the ground...
unless you pack your bags and get out of here real fast.
You're very sure of yourself, aren't you?
Well, it's a nice, friendly place you have here.
Now, why don't you open the door...
and not cause any trouble?
That door stays locked till you and your friends...
tell us why you're really here.
B.A.
[people screaming]
Now, you're the guy with the big mouth so you can tell me where Little John is.
I tell you nothing.
[groaning] You want to bet?
[Churlisco groaning]
Where is Little John?
[gasping]
He's on Bobbi Cardina's boat at the wharf.
Oh, thank you so much for your hospitality.
[Spits]
[quacking]
(Hannibal) B.A., guard the road.
(Hannibal) We're looking for a man named Little John.
(man) Little John leave many days ago.
(Hannibal) Well, what about Bobby Cardina? Where is he?
Is best you go, señor. The captain takes no passengers.
No freight.
What is this, caramel custard?
It is material for the church which is being built beyond the bend in the river.
Yes, well, speaking of churches, I'm the Reverend Galen Giles...
and we're taking this casket to the settlement at Fonte Boa.
Señores, you must go.
[gun firing]
We got trouble coming, Hannibal!
Cut us loose, Face. Hannibal, we got trouble coming!
(Hannibal) All right, we're gonna borrow your barge!
Everybody off this sucker!
(Hannibal) He didn't make it.
Nice drinking with you!
Okay, querido, who the hell are you?
[gun crashing]
My name is Hannibal Smith.
And if I could persuade you to take that gun down...
this could be the start of an interesting friendship. Who are you?
My name is Bobbi Cardina and I'm the captain of this vessel.
Miss Cardina, I hope we haven't inconvenienced you.
Look what you have done, señor.
I've only half the load. You have cost me much money.
(Hannibal) If I could persuade you to put that gun down...
perhaps I can make it up to you.
Well, perhaps you could persuade your friends...
to put down their guns as well.
Now, señor, get ready for a swim.
But you haven't heard my offer.
I will pay you $100,000 in American money...
to take us to the settlement.
Now, I know you got a deal with El Cajon, the river pirate.
Some reason he lets you get by.
Think about it, Miss Cardina...
$100,000, American.
You have the money on you? It's in the coffin.
What a wonderful idea, Colonel. It's gonna look great in my film.
There is no money, is there?
Well, not yet, but who knows.
Let's say that we're at a standoff.
There are no standoffs, querido.
I like this girl, Hannibal.
So do I.
[Bobbi laughing]
You are crazy men, no?
I'm not crazy. I'm a great filmmaker.
I have visions that I turn into cellular monuments...
and I'm here to tell you that with your aspect ratio...
you could walk with the cinematic gods.
Actually, what we're looking for, see, is a river guide.
Yeah, a chap by the name of Little John.
He was the guide for Brian Lefcourt's party.
(Bobbi) Yes, I heard that.
Señor Lefcourt has been captured.
Many people are captured on this river. None are ever seen again.
You're saying he's been killed?
I'm saying none are ever seen again.
El Cajon is a pirate.
He lives by a pirate's code.
Well, Mr. Coffin's in for a big surprise...
because we've got a code of our own.
Señor, I have heard from one of Doyle's men in Monte Alegre...
the big one named Churlisco,
he was attacked in a bar by four men.
And they have taken the Cardina river barge.
It is about one mile up river from here.
Which men? Whose men?
I don't know. But they're armed.
We will show these men what happens...
when one passes bend in the river...
without the permission of El Cajon.
(Hannibal) We're coming to the bend in the river.
Keep it in the center of the current.
Now-- I don't know...
props must be asleep on this picture.
I asked to have some small canoes along that bank.
You know, symbolizing lost battles...
That's not props, Murdock, that's set dressing.
Oh, it's not props. What?
Take positions over here and keep your rifles out of sight.
(Hannibal) All right, if that slime ball jumps us, we'll sink him.
Get inside, honey. Not on your life, Hannibal.
I got you guys into this. I'm not going below decks.
Right.
(Tawnia) Hannibal.
(Bobbi) You like this, don't you, señor?
(Hannibal) It does get the blood started.
Now, when the firing starts, stay down.
I will pilot this vessel.
It's all I own.
All right, stand by. Here he comes.
Señor, we have some engine trouble.
Would you help us, please?
Get that bunch of lumber out of my way or I'll run you down.
This may be harder than you think, señor.
If you have guns you will drop them.
Forget it, pal, we're going through.
No way, señor. You are four, we are ten.
[laughing]
[gun firing]
[yelling in Spanish]
Pull back! Pull back!
(Hannibal) Hold it right there!
You are well armed, señor.
Are you the jackass that calls himself "The Coffin"?
Yes, señor. El Cajon.
Mr. Coffin, please do not sweat.
There is to be no sweating in my film.
Here, wipe it off yourself.
All right, now take us to your camp. Move it.
Boy, do I love this movie.
Don't you?
B.A.
See if you can find some place to lock these guys up.
Right.
Ándele, ándele! Pronto!
Not you, Coffin.
The pirate business hasn't been so good, huh?
Señor, if you knew the problems...
a poor river boat pirate must face.
It is not an easy life.
Yeah, and it isn't getting any easier, is it?
Okay, which one of these cabañas is yours?
The one with the TV antenna, huh?
The reception is muy malo.
Get only Donald Duck on Saturday without sound.
What a shame. Let's take a look.
(Hannibal) We're looking for Brian Lefcourt.
We know you attacked his boat. Now, where is he?
Señor, my leg is wood...
and she aches very much.
Perhaps El Cajon might sit down...
while we speak about this Señor Lefcourt.
Okay, but keep your hands in sight.
This Señor Lefcourt, you have come...
all this way with these powerful weapons to find him?
I'll ask the questions.
Now open up, before I take you outside and hang you upside down.
Is this the way to speak to the respected enemy?
That's the way I am.
Spill it, Coffin.
In that case, adiós, señor.
[gun clicking]
So, you had a little surprlse for me, huh? No, l don't.
You ought to get some plastic cartridges, pal.
You can't go swimming with those paper-wrapped.
You catch me at disadvantage, señor. Give me the chance.
Same chance you gave me, huh?
Yeah, but you had nothing of value to trade.
But I have something for you.
The traveler you seek, Señor Lefcourt.
I can give him to you. I can, señor.
Doyle here.
(El Cajon) Señor Doylee, hola.
I have for you some news. Not so good.
I have some peoples here, and they look for the man...
the one called Lefcourt.
(Doyle) Who are they?
They say what they' re after?
No, they just seek for the one called Lefcourt.
And you've captured them?
They are here with me.
Well, hang on to them. I'll be there at first light.
They shall be here when you arrive.
You have my word.
Well, not bad.
[laughing]
I assume you mean the way I handle a knife.
That, too.
You are very funny.
You have the looks and manners of the playboy but you are not.
You're a professional. All of you are professionals.
So, what is it, señor?
What makes Brian Lefcourt so muy importante, huh?
She does.
And she's not your woman?
Could I bring a girlfriend down here with me...
and still call myself a professional?
No. But she's not one of you. Not part of your team.
She has the heart, but not the soul for it.
Well, she's a friend. A good friend.
And someone she cares about is in trouble.
So you came up here for that and no other reason, huh?
Do you find it difficult to understand...
something as simple as someone caring about someone they love?
I know all about caring, señor.
[laughing] And loving.
Is that what gives you the privilege to go round the bend in the river?
Are you this Doyle's woman?
I belong to no one.
Hey, Señor Doylee.
What's going on? How come your boat's half sunk?
I always knew that you had the good nose for trouble...
and we have plenty.
[groans]
Beautiful, B.A., it was beautiful.
You're gonna be a sensation at Cannes.
Okay, boy-chick, this next shot...
is gonna be multiple cameras. It's the great massacre scene.
It's where your body is riddled with thousands of bullets.
Unfortunately, I got to get it the first time. No retakes.
You get my drift?
You wanted to talk to us about Brian Lefcourt.
You stupid, fat pig.
I would not be too harsh with the words...
considering where we both stand, my friend.
We want to know about Brian. Is he all right?
The lady asked you a question, pal.
Is he? Tell me.
I'm sure you will see him soon enough, chiquita.
Their weapons are no good, Doyle.
[laughing]
Shall we drop the weapons, gentlemen?
Might as well. She pulled the firing pins, guys.
I am sorry, querido.
Not half as sorry as I am.
Not as sorry as you will be.
[laughing]
Get them aboard the barge!
You will return them to the encampment...
and then continue on with your supplies.
I will have to make one more trip.
There was to be no more trips.
Because of them I had to shove off without being fully loaded.
What is one more trip among friends?
Under the circumstances, I do not think you have much to complain about.
[El Cajon yelling in Spanish]
Are you loco?
If not for her, we would be their prisoners.
If not for her, they wouldn't be here in the first place.
Every trip she takes past the bend in the river jeopardizes us.
Now we are on the alert.
We will watch them.
But that was foolish, Señor Doylee.
She's a stubborn one.
Never mind.
After this delivery I'll have no use for her anyway.
You wish me to kill her?
No.
She is one I want for myself.
(B.A.) Yeah, Hannibal, I hope you're working on another plan.
We haven't finished with the old plan. What old one?
The one that takes us to find Brian Lefcourt.
You call getting caught like this a plan?
Well, with a few minor glitches...
it takes us directly to Lefcourt.
Sounds logical to me. It would.
(Bobbi) Cast off.
[boat engine humming]
Continue down river and unload these supplies.
Then get back to Cajon's camp and wait for my instructions.
I will not forget what happened back there.
Good.
(Tawnia) Brian!
Oh, Brian.
Oh, mi querida.
[laughing]
Look who has come to join us.
[Ramirez laughing]
I owe you, señor.
Oh, that's all right.
Watching you roll around on the ground...
outside that bar was payment enough for me.
[groans]
(Doyle) Enough!
This is the one-- I want him alive, for now.
Regroup with your friends in there. Talk.
(Doyle) Take time to wonder what will happen to you.
How unpleasant and painful I promise it to be.
There isn't anything my men and I haven't seen in another time...
in another jungle.
I will give them some time to remember what they meant to each other.
Then I will take the girl...
and he'll tell me what I want to know.
If you had any brains you'd kill me now.
[men grunting]
Good morning, J.B. How were the dailies?
Do you really know where the lost city of Del Rio is?
Doyle has been trying to get me to talk for days.
The only reason he's keeping me alive is 'cause I haven't broken yet.
We're talking about a lot of money here, right?
I mean, riches beyond belief?
So the legend goes.
Right. Gold and silver and rubies and diamonds--
Lions and tigers and bears. Oh my!
Well, that explains why he's got you here like Papillon.
But it doesn't tell us anything...
about what he's doing up river...
with those supplies he's shipping on Bobbi Cardina's barge.
Maybe he's searching for the lost city.
Hoping to find it if Brian doesn't tell him. No!
(B.A.) I looked at that stuff on the barge...
while we was coming up river...
and it was construction material.
And them guys ain't gonna build no church.
I swear I did not request these script changes.
Whatever happened to the original ending?
Those happily-forever-after endings that have become my trademark?
Your trademark is stupidity.
Hey, you.
(Hannibal) Yeah, you.
Your friend over there looks a little sick.
I think it's because he's been looking at your pig face for too long.
(Face) Hey, Colonel, come on, don't get on the jazz.
You're just gonna get yourself in trouble.
You talk big from in there.
Well, maybe you should let me out.
No, Doyle said, no. Yeah, Doyle said no.
Doyle said, no for this pendejo.
Perhaps he would like to see his friend scream.
Oh, why is it always me?
You haven't got the guts.
Hey, Hannibal, what are you trying to do here?
No. No, Doyle will skin you.
See, Face, you got off easy.
Yeah, you think?
You yellow-bellied sack of pus.
[exclaims]
(Face) Oh, no. Look, wait, wait, can we talk about this?
[chains clinking]
You've got him against the ropes, champ. Now take him out!
Hit him anywhere but the face.
[exclaims]
[laughing]
[Face grunting]
[grunting]
[exclaiming]
Face, you've got a mad extra here.
He didn't get his lunch money.
[choking]
Get me that kid with the gold around his neck. He's fantastic!
Who's his agent?
[grunting]
[panting]
I'm impressed, Face.
I thought he was going to cream you.
Yeah, but you know...
[laughing]
[Face groans]
Looks like you could use a hand, muchacho.
I was going to cut you loose.
Right.
Now, let the others out.
[birds twittering]
You're a Princess.
Face, all that I can say is it's a good thing...
we weren't rolling film.
I mean, I know that it was, you know...
just the rehearsal, but still, I need more.
More? More!
Don't hold back.
I know that what you were doing was real...
but in film what we need is that which looks real.
Well, I'm fed up with all this movie business business, you know?
(Murdock) Audiences today are so sophisticated...
they're never going to go for that ballet...
that you put on for them.
[yelling]
That's real! Oh, it's fantastic.
It's so real.
[panting]
I've had it.
You're right. This guy's a real trip.
He sure is.
Quickly, before Doyle returns. My barge is through here.
Just a minute. What are you doing here?
To help you escape. So Doyle would not kill you all.
Well, why the sudden concern for our safety?
You just wished to help your friend. You did nothing wrong.
I see no reason you should die. Thanks.
Now, what's up with Doyle?
What's so important to him he'd kill innocent travelers...
who try to go up river?
Let us waste no more time.
We can be back past the bend in the river before Doyle even knows of your escape.
Terrific.
Then we run into that other great sleazeball, El Cajon.
El Cajon will not bother us.
What's your connection to El Cajon?
How do you know he won't bother us?
He won't.
Vámonos.
Let's go.
(Little John) Oh, no.
We no go with you. Not for us.
What're you talking about?
You'll never make it all the way back to Monte Alegre on foot.
And you can't wait here for Doyle.
He see shadow of doom cloud the future.
You must be some kind of hard-shelled nut.
[groans]
What if I protected you like I did last time?
We got caught, señor.
But you didn't die.
You said nobody goes up against El Cajon...
and gets away.
You did. My magic works.
And I can do it again.
The moment to take.
Okay.
What're you doing?
Don't ask.
[chuckling]
[gulps]
Fantastic.
Okay, we go.
Don't even think it, sucker.
(Murdock) Where is it? Where is it?
Where is it? Where? Where?
Murdock, here it is. No, no, no!
Here it is.
All right, I'm ready. You can bring them all on.
Cigar, Colonel?
Thanks, Face. Sure.
Okay...
where are the firing pins, lady?
I gave them to Doyle. You will not need them. You will be safe with me.
I will get you back to Monte Alegre.
We're not going back to Monte Alegre. Not yet.
We're too close.
We could be within throwing distance of that lost city.
We're not turning back now.
Brian, you need a doctor.
I need to find that place.
We may never get another chance like this.
I will not guide you up river.
Then we'll just have to borrow your barge...
firing pins or no firing pins.
Hey, man, what do we care about a lost city?
Why do we care? Why do we care? Because it is just possible...
that it will be the greatest location...
for the finale of my monumental epic.
We talking a finale to your life, sucker.
Not having no firing pins when we're attacked by river pirates...
Doyle, and the rest of them Amazonian Indians.
Well, then maybe we should get out of here.
You understand, don't you, Hannibal?
This is something I have to do.
(Hannibal) I've always been one for a nice relaxing cruise.
And that'd be a good time, querida...
for you to tell me what Doyle's up to round that bend in the river.
Look, all I do is run supplies.
I drop them on shore and then I leave.
When I return, they're gone.
Who takes them and what they are for I do not know.
Then we'll all find out together.
I hate this movie.
But I do like the leading lady.
You've got her.
If only I can get her agent down to $50,000.
[engine whirring]
There are the Devil's Horns!
I knew it! I knew it was here!
Natives with spears.
How I wish I had a shoreline of natives with spears.
The texture, the color. I need that, I need that fast film.
Your color going to be red with blood if you don't stop acting stupid.
Listen, I am I, and you are you.
Perchance some day that we should walk along the same road together...
You be dead! Gotcha.
All right, this is your party.
Where do we go from here?
We walk.
(Murdock) It had been six months...
since we had seen...
the 26-toed crater banth and his son...
that had become affectionately known...
as Throgmorton the Terrible to our crew.
[animal shrieking]
(Brian) Tchapate.
[exclaiming]
(Face) Come back, Little John, come back!
[groaning]
(Brian) Tchapate.
Nice to meet you.
(Hannibal) Friend of yours?
It's the guardian of the tribe of Del Rio.
Supposedly his powers...
protected Del Rio and its riches.
That's right.
I know.
Where's the rest of it?
There has to be more, right? If this guy's watching over the lost city...
then he doesn't have a very big job.
Legend goes that Tchapate stands guard over Del Rio.
And only to the one who can unseat him...
will he tell the secrets of the lost city.
The key is in what Brian said.
He said...
the one man who can unseat Tchapate...
from his rule.
You see, dwellers at that time in Del Rio were primitives.
They ruled by strength.
They did choose their kings according to who was strongest.
Okay, B.A., give it a shot.
[B.A. grunting]
All right, B.A.
It was all worth it. It really does exist.
You know, kid, you did all right.
I like the way that guy's hooked up.
Me, too.
So they found it. I knew they would.
I knew they would lead us to it...
if we made their escape convincing enough.
And me self and husband of me sister, we go free?
The hell you are.
You got to take us back there.
Back? ls no possible.
You can't remember where it was?
Our deal was to go with them when they escape...
to come and tell you. That was our deal.
No. Our deal is what I say it is.
And unless your sister wants to lose a husband and a brother in one afternoon...
you take us back to the lost city.
[sighs]
Si, Señor Doyle.
I do not think me sister could stand so much grief all at once.
Of course she couldn't. Now get ready to move out.
So the lost city's there.
It's really there.
And all its treasures are mine.
Si, señor.
And all its evils, too.
[Murdock gibbering]
[continues gibbering]
N[Murdock singing]
♪ I told the witch doctor I was in love with you ♪
♪ I told the witch doctor you did not love me too ♪
♪ And then the witch doctor he told me what to do ♪
♪ He said, ooh-eh ooh-ah-ah, ting-ta ♪
♪ walla-walla, bing-bang ♪
♪ Ooh-eh-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang-walla-walla bing-bang AU'
What are you crazy, fool?
Walla-walla-bing-bang.
I could have hurt you before I realized who was behind this crazy thing.
You're supposed to be on guard duty.
Now, take over while I go check out the perimeter.
And keep your mind on your job...
or I'll walla-walla-bing-bang you.
[mumbling]
Well, it's not exactly what I was hoping for.
It's beyond anything I'd hoped for.
I mean, people have such misconceptions.
Archeological digs that produce enough...
intact pieces to count on one hand are so few.
Here, look what we've got and so well preserved.
Yeah.
A few well preserved diamonds and golden statuettes.
It'd be so boring anyway.
Let's hit it.
(Tawnia) What's up?
I've been checking this place over.
I found some of the original perimeter defenses...
we can kick into gear with a little effort.
Against who? Doyle.
I expect him here any minute.
(Hannibal) Why do you think he let us escape?
Let us? Sure.
Face, you don't think I'd let you get in there with that cement mixer...
if I didn't figure the fight was rigged, do you?
I mean, Doyle figured he couldn't beat it out of Brian...
so he decided to follow him here.
Yes, but who would have...
No, I think Bobbi wanted to take us to Monte Alegre and get us out of here.
All right, let's hit it!
[grunts]
[mumbling]
[B.A. grunting]
[inaudible]
(Hannibal) Drop your weapons, Doyle...
or we'll drop you.
Give it up, Smith.
I know your weapons are useless.
(Doyle) Come out where I can see you.
Come on out and...
maybe I'll spare the women.
[Hannibal laughing]
You're messing with some pretty bad magic, Jack!
[guns firing]
So, how's tricks?
You don't realize who you're dealing with.
(Hannibal) I realize I'm dealing with a 200 pound sack of manure...
who's going to have a hard time crawling out of that hole.
[Murdock laughing]
You're not going to leave us here. I might spare the women.
But first, you're going to give us back the firing pins to our weapons, and then...
you're going to take us for a little walk and show us what you've been...
building up around that bend in the river.
(Hannibal) A nuclear reactor.
They're building a nuclear reactor.
You know, from here that looks like Carlos Roiderman.
The South American industrialist?
(Brian) Even my dad has business dealings with him.
What would Roiderman be doing building a nuclear reactor...
in the middle of the Amazon jungle?
Did you see that? Did you see what he did?
Nazis, Hannibal! They're Nazis!
They are the new Reich.
Strong, able and undefeatable.
What do you intend to do now, Smith?
Take them all on? Just the four of you...
two women, and a lame?
[scoffs]
(Murdock) What will become of The A-Team in its...
desperate attempt to stave off worldwide disaster?
Will good triumph over evil?
Will Rocky Racoon be reunited with Little Nell?
These and other questions will be answered in the next exciting chapter of...
"The Führer The Better."
(Brian) I can't believe Carlos Roiderman's a Nazi.
You know, my dad always suspected him...
Roiderman's background being so obscure.
But who would've guessed he built his empires with monies he must have...
spirited away when he escaped Germany at the end of the War.
(B.A.) We got to stop them, Hannibal.
We'd never stand a chance of defeating them.
(Doyle) You'll die trying, my dear.
If that's what it takes.
(Face) Well, what's your plan, Colonel?
We've got to destroy that reactor.
Ah! How?
Well, now Face, it'd be nice if we had some help.
But we have surprise, and a touch of lunacy on our side.
That be true.
How many men do you need?
I counted about 20 of them. They're well armed.
With us, six more would make it interesting.
Wait. I can get you these men.
You can?
I can't. My father can.
Wait, your father? Yeah.
Who's your...
(Hannibal, Face and Murdock) He's not!
Think about it, Coffin.
Now, put that hand up in the air.
Both of them.
Now, slowly...
put your leg on the ground.
Señor...
you are the man with many lives.
Like the cat, no?
I'm the one with the gun with many bullets.
You intrigue me, señor.
How come you passed...
our perimeter guard and alarms?
Your daughter showed us. No!
I had to, Papa. If they hurt you.
No! No!
They captured Doyle.
You are something, señor. You are!
We must work with them.
We must help them stop what is happening up river.
I see you got your boat in the water.
We could use it. Of course, señor.
But of course. Anything you say.
Now you can trust me, no?
You don't realty trust this pile of pig slop, do you, Hannibal?
(Hannibal) If we've got any chance of...
destroying that Nazi generator we don't have much choice.
And...
if you talk that way about him...
you may not live to date his daughter.
Explain that to me.
Tell me how something like that...
could have produced something like this.
The world is full of wonders.
My men are ready, Señor Smith.
But what you tell us...
better be true.
I wouldn't be here if it wasn't.
To think all this time I was helping these Nazi pigs.
Yeah, it's not nearly the same as sinking people's boats...
and robbing them for money and fun, is it?
All right, let's do it!
I'll see you on the flip side.
Hannibal, you can't leave us behind.
Not at this point.
Somehow I feel I owe Señor Roiderman.
You've done enough.
Your leg would hold us back.
Besides, in case we don't come back...
somebody's got to tell the world what happened.
(Bobbi) Colonel Smith...
do not try to leave me behind.
I wouldn't think of it, sweetheart. Climb aboard.
And you come, too, mi amigo.
You will get the thriller, no?
[laughing]
Still no word from Doyle? No, sir.
We will keep working until the supplies are exhausted.
By then the girl should have arrived with the rest of the load.
Why she did not have it all the first time is my question...
and one I hope Doyle is prepared to answer.
[boat engine humming]
[guns firing]
Cease fire!
[guns firing]
Cease fire!
You didn't get a building permit...
from our executive offices, pal.
We're going to have to close you down.
Who in hell are you?
The A-Team!
[groans]
Come on, let's go!
[guns firing]
Got to get this chopper.
(Hannibal) Pick you up later, Roiderman.
It was a battle, no? Yeah.
They mess with the wrong people, eh?
[laughing]
Your dad and I are going to get along great.
If we ever get out of this jungle.
What you mean, muchacho? We take my...
[clattering]
My boat!
[Bobbi laughing]
[chuckles]
I love it when a plan comes together.
Okay, we're all set.
B.A. and Face, you'll be the ushers.
Murdock, you'll be taking the-- The movies, yes--
This will be my first wedding ceremony...
as the captain of the Desayuno Domingo...
that I shall perform...
with great sincerity...
and for a slight fee, the ceremony.
I'll pay you $100.
Like we agreed.
Señor, for a man...
who has discovered a lost city...
for a man who worth a king's ransom...
I would strongly suggest...
that these arrangements be reconsidered.
Which brings up the consideration of our fee.
We normally take 10% of any recovered items.
In this case, that's 10% of the lost city.
With all its gold, and jewels...
and archeological treasures.
We'll pass on the Indian skulls...
bone rattles, you know, stuff like that.
I think that's fair enough.
And perhaps as a gift to the captain...
who shall perform...
this glorious wedding ceremony...
five additional percents?
Three.
Done.
The wedding ceremony shall proceed!
The funeral is cancelled.
[laughing]
[Speaking Spanish]
Oh, her mother and I do.
Brian Lefcourt...
[speaking in Spanish]
I do.
Tawnia Baker...
[Speaking Spanish]
I do.
[Speaking Spanish]
[crowd cheering]
(El Cajon) This good-looking one...
he has a part of the ten percents, Cardina.
I am thinking maybe...
we could have this man in the family, no?
I will do my best.
[laughing]
[grunts]
[sighing]
Thanks, Hannibal.
I'll never forget you guys.
Felicitations, kid.
It was good having you around. Congratulations.
Thank you.
Tawnia and I'll write you and let you know how the excavations are going.
How long before we see any of the money?
Well, you know how these things are.
Could be five, six years maybe.
(Brian) Just to find where it's hidden.
These things are very complicated.
The ancients were very devious.
Five, six years?
Hey, maybe seven. Hey.
Now, we will dance and make noise.
Sorry man, but I don't dance.
That was muy bueno. Bueno, Señor Coffin!
It was a mucho monumental wedding ceremony.
I just can't wait till we stop rehearsing...
and start shooting this--
[gun fires]
(B.A.) Are you crazy, fool?
(Murdock) I'll give you all my lunch money...
and a free screen pass, leave me alone!
[screaming]
Cut!