Kidnapping is such a tricky business.
You're gonna let a slime like Scarlett go? Knowing he's committed a murder?
Smith, that is my daughter.
You turn this guy's key and l'm back on the street.
(B.A.) You guys knocked me out and flew me to Italy.
My friends and l are going to try and get you out of here.
(Crane) Where does he think he's going?
(Decker) Who knows? Smith hasn't had traction for years.
l don't believe it. You're me!
You never looked this good.
(Face) Hey, B.A., slow down! No, no flying!
(B.A.) I like it.
Yeah! Is everybody having a good time?
Of course. Of course.
How do l look?
You look smashing.
Drop your weapons, now!
(Decker) I don't believe this.
(Hannibal) Let's get out of here!
(male narrator) In 1972, a crack commando unit...
was sent to prison by a military court...
for a crime they didn't commit.
These men promptly escaped...
from a maximum-security stockade...
to the Los Angeles underground.
Today, still wanted by the government...
they survive as soldiers of fortune.
If you have a problem, if no one else can help...
and if you can find them...
maybe you can hire the A-Team.
[gun firing]
[door opening]
Hey.
(Del) How are you doing, Joe? How am l doing, Del?
l don't know. You tell me.
Well, l think we're in good shape.
The judge has my writ and l don't think they have a chance.
You think this Judge Mordente cares about my rights being violated?
You think this guy gives a toot from next Tuesday...
about whether or not l understood my rights?
They got Joe Scarlett, Del. Do you understand that?
They're holding a big potato...
and they're not gonna let me drop through the bottom...
because of some legal-beagle action you might think up.
[sighing]
ls Nicky handling that matter or what?
Joe, concern yourself about the legal proceedings.
l could get disbarred for even discussing-- This is Joe.
The guy who got you through the bar exam.
You're not a bad lawyer when the other side is not thinking too straight.
The only way l'm out of this is that judge tossing the case out.
And the only chance of that is by twisting his tube of toothpaste so bad...
he's got no choice.
Now, is Nicky on that, or what? Yeah.
Then everything is going to be all right.
Joe, look...
your brother's coming from ltaly. What? How?
Come on, Joe, it's been in all the papers.
Call him. Tell him not to bother.
He's already left. He's on his way.
All rise for the honorable Judge Leonard Mordente.
[door closing]
l want Nicky on this now. He's on it.
l want this taken care of before my brother gets here, capiche?
You turn this guy's key and l'm back on the street.
(woman) Question, counsel for defense:
''Did Mr. Scarlett display any abusive behavior
''when you conducted the search of his home?''
Answer, Officer Bowman: ''Well, no, sir, not exactly.''
l...
l need to be excused for a personal matter.
Court will be adjourned until tomorrow morning.
[gavel bangs]
(bailiff) All rise.
l'm glad my brother's coming.
Give him a chance to show him how we do things in America.
[door closing]
[elevator bell dinging]
[grunting]
Oh, no. Look-- Howdy, Judge.
[grunting] Come on. Take it easy. Take it easy.
l'm Hannibal Smith, The A-Team. Smith? l don't--
l know. You're afraid of heights. Mr. Lee mentioned that.
You must be the real thing...
to come all the way up here to get your daughter back. Here.
Buckle that up. lt will make you feel a lot better.
Then you know that Joe Scarlett took her.
And you're gonna declare him not guilty...
even if the jury says he is.
How long has that jury been deliberating? Almost two days.
They could come back with a verdict anytime now.
And what do you think? Almost definitely guilty.
lf l'm reading them correctly, and l'm pretty good at guessing the outcome.
What are you gonna do, Judge?
Are you gonna let a slime like Scarlett go...
knowing he's committed a murder?
Smith, that is my daughter.
l can always get a mistrial declared later, once she's been returned safely.
lf she's returned safely.
[tires screeching]
[sirens wailing]
(Hannibal) Uh-oh!
Hang on, Judge.
Hi, guys.
Where does he think he's going?
Captain, there's no way off that building.
Let's go.
(Hannibal) You have any idea where they're holding her?
(Mordente) No, no.
l just make them send me proof that she's still alive.
Every week they send someone with some proof, a photograph...
with something current in it. Yeah?
When do you see the guy next time? Tonight.
Since we expect a verdict any minute, they want to keep me ready.
[grunting]
[phone ringing]
Are you gonna help me? Can you find my daughter?
Well, we don't have much to go on, you know.
And you're a very hot item, Judge Mordente.
l mean, a judge digging through the files, looking for the A-Team.
The military's been all over you.
l mean, l don't think you're a bird dog intentionally.
But they've been behind you every step of the way.
Come on, we'll catch them on the roof. Move out.
(Decker) Move out, Captain. Move out!
Now, give me a hand, Judge. What are you doing? What is this?
Tools of the trade, Judge.
Just stay at home, Judge, wait for their contact. l'll be in touch.
Hi, guys.
l don't believe this.
[phone ringing]
At the tone...
the time will be 12.:22 in Hong Kong.
(Face) Murdock, will you listen to me?
Now, we've got a job to do and here's how we're gonna run it.
Now, General Barnaby, he was your C.O. in Nam. You got that?
And he needs a kidney transplant. So--
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
l gave a kidney away last year to Colonel Morgan.
And year before that it was Westmoreland...
and l gave my lung away the year before that...
to my Aunt Sophie.
We even took out your spleen eight months ago, didn't we?
l'm practically a shell of my former self.
Well, l'll tell you, sometimes this is moving too fast for me, you know.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Did we ever give you a lobotomy?
No sweat. Oh, Guy of the Countenance! l've got this thing handled.
Now, wait a minute, Murdock...
the Colonel's waiting for us, huh?
And this is a kidnapping, so, you know, we don't have a lot of spare time.
l have tunneled my way out.
You tunneled...
Murdock, that went out with Hogan's Heroes.
Right behind the psychiatric boardroom, there's a sundeck.
Right behind that is a walkway with a tree.
Meet me right there. Bye-bye.
l give him 10 minutes and then l go for the lobotomy.
Man, l can't believe he wanted me to give another kidney.
Give, give, give.
(Dr. Craig) l've seen too many cases of schizophrenia...
and far too many cases...
of those trying to perpetrate a fraud on hospitals and government funding.
Face, l'm here.
Look, you've asked me here specifically to review Mr. Murdock's case.
l continue to feel the man's a fraud.
Certainly, you all had a chance to review Mr. Murdock's file. Yes?
[sawing] And there are times when he appears quite lucid.
So these reports of violent outbursts and aberrant behavior....
l mean, is there a....
You just can't put any credence in them.
[thudding] l know this man. l've been in the same room with him.
We're soul brothers. That man is as sane as l am.
[mimicking Bugs Bunny]
What's up, Doc?
Bob, call security quickly.
Oh, me lady.
Murdock?
No problem. No problem. l got him. l got him.
So, sue me.
Hey, Augie. You want l should go in with you?
Why? You afraid of staying out here alone?
[chuckling]
[speaking in European accent] Good evening, sir.
Hey, l ain't never seen you before.
May l take your coat?
[groaning] No.
May l take your tie?
Okay, where is Mordente?
He is in the study, sir.
l have not announced you yet.
l don't need no announcement. The Judge and l are pals.
May l take your shoes, sir?
Hey, Judge.
What's with the Addams Family come to work here all of a sudden?
You ain't getting funny on me, are you, Judge?
No, no, l swear to you.
The man was supposed to come to work tomorrow. He came today, a day early.
My other servant, the old man, had an illness in his family and had to leave.
Yeah. Well...
there's a little illness in this guy's family, too, huh?
My daughter. How is she? Here. Look it up.
So...
how's my favorite jury coming, huh?
lt's a little early to tell.
Well, what do we care. Because whatever they say...
you are gonna make it right, right?
May l take your socks?
Now, get rid of this creep.
Then may l take your picture?
[groaning]
Hey, okay, now.
Okay.
Now...
may we take your clothes, sir?
[camera clicking] You're all dead, you hear?
The Judge's little girl is dead, you hear? Hey, Judge, you hear me?
So much for the left profile. Now a little bit of the right profile.
You hear me, Judge?
(Augie) Your little girl's gonna pay, Judge.
You hear that, Judge? Get out here.
l hope you know what you're doing.
We're dealing with savage people, Judge.
Now, Scarlett didn't go to all that trouble to beat a murder rap...
just so he can release your daughter who can send him up for kidnapping.
Here you go, Colonel.
l thought you could use a blow-up for some of the detail work.
(Hannibal) Nice.
Could you get me a three-quarter left? Sure.
Gee, it looks like it's gonna have to be let out a little in the waist.
No kidding? Yeah.
Okay. You do it. Right.
Whatever you guys are gonna try, you're gonna get away with zip.
We got every precaution.
You try and find that girl, you better decide...
you want her buried in cherry wood or pine.
Nobody sees that girl but me and who l say.
(Hannibal) That's exactly what we figured.
Oh, that's good, Colonel. He wore it on the left. Little further back.
l don't believe it. You're me!
You never looked this good.
You took your sweet time. Some kind of trouble?
Nobody gives me trouble. Just drive the car.
Tough guy.
You thinkin'? Yeah, l'm thinkin'.
'Cause you're real quiet.
l'm quiet 'cause l'm thinkin'.
When l'm done thinkin' then l'll be done bein' quiet!
l was just asking.
'Cause you was quiet.
'Cause l was thinkin'.
[tires screeching]
Hey!
[shotgun cocking]
Hiya, doll.
What are you, crazy? You don't give the knock?
Maybe he's testing me again. Yes, Augie?
He likes to test me.
So how's the girl, huh?
She still doesn't eat. Maybe that's why she's so skinny.
Well, l'm starving, eh?
How about something for me? Come on.
Hey!
He's thinkin'.
[door closing]
Lori, you don't look too skinny to me. But l think you ought to eat more.
Don't, you try anything and l'll....
Shh.
Your father sent me. My father?
l'm Hannibal Smith. Your voice?
My friends and l are gonna try and get you out of here.
Now, l'll loosen these ropes. l don't understand.
So you can slide out if you need to.
There. Just hang in there.
Have they hurt you? No. You can help me?
lt's gonna be all right.
lf you don't like it, cook for yourself!
How many times l gotta eat it, huh?
[laughing] l mean...
how many times can you eat the same thing?
Look who l'm asking. You love that stuff.
That's why she makes it.
[gun cocking]
You ain't fooling me, friend. l know.
What do you know? Don't play with me.
That whole act don't fool me.
l've been doing a lot of my own thinkin'.
l wasn't born under the armpit of no rabbit.
That game you and Marta played don't fool nobody.
l see the way you was lookin' at one another. l know.
She used to look at me that way when she was Sally Boy's girl.
l can't believe you'd do this to me.
Nicky, you don't know nothing. l don't know nothing, huh?
Her always cookin' those Polish sausages for you.
Me, l hate Polish sausages. They make me sick.
This whole thing makes me sick!
What is Mr. Scarlett gonna think?
You pull that trigger...
and blow this whole thing over a broad.
Nicky, if l was smart enough...
to get a looker like Marta...
l wouldn't be dumb enough to try and take her from you, huh?
lf you're lyin', you're dying, Augie.
He drives me crazy. l can't stand him anymore.
Well, l think Nicky knows. Who cares?
Tonight, l give him the kiss of death.
Yeah, well, at least he'll die happy.
Then you and l, we go. Yeah.
Until Scarlett finds us.
With $500,000, we can be pretty hard to find.
Every penny Nicky has earned...
he thinks it is still in that numbered Swiss account.
That bookkeeper gave me that number a long time ago.
l moved all the money. Nicky still doesn't know.
And he never will. Well, that sounds wonderful...
unless l wake up with my throat cut.
Only if l catch you looking at other women, huh?
That redhead in trailer number 10?
But you are too smart to do that.
You are different than all of the others.
l thought it would be something like that.
''So when Peter Pan found out that Tiger Lily...
''and the Little Lost Boys had been captured by Captain Hook...
''he and Wendy...'' Now, that's his main squeeze.
B.A., why don't you drop me off at this next corner up here?
l'm gonna dig up what l can on Joe Scarlett.
l'll meet you guys back at the Judge's.
''He and Wendy went looking for their friends...
''but what he didn't know...''
B.A., have you been eating Murdock's books again?
(Murdock) l can't believe that.
How will l find out the ending?
Now, l'll never know what happened.
[tires screeching]
[guns firing]
l can't believe l let that happen.
lt was just as much my fault.
Who would have thought he'd try that?
He could have been killed.
Yeah. Well, he probably figured he's good as dead anyway...
when Joe Scarlett got a hold of him.
Now, we have no way to warn the Colonel.
(Cindy) Well, good afternoon.
lt certainly seems to be.
And where has my Augie-Waugie been?
Oh...
busy-wizzy.
The phone broke down in my place and l thought maybe l could use yours.
Maybe, if you rub my back.
Yeah. Well, it is important.
And l have to make the call.
All right, but hurry back. l burn easily.
Yeah, bet you do.
[telephone ringing]
Hello. Yes.
Yes, they are. lt's Smith.
Colonel, thank heavens you called.
What's the matter? Augie got away.
lt's all my fault. l should've been ready for him...
but he could be there anytime now.
Okay, listen up.
l'm at the Pleasant View Motor Park off l-10.
A 40-foot RV at the back.
Beige, brown stripes, green awning.
Now there's a guard, right inside the main gate...
and then there's an Airstream...
and a camper pick-up right near the hot spot.
l count three armed outside, and two inside.
We're on our way, Colonel. Okay.
These guys are ready. Don't let them see you comin'.
Colonel, you were right.
The wire tap on Mordente's telephone paid off.
Smith just called him. We trace it?
Didn't have to, Smith said where he was.
''Pleasant View Motor Park off l-10.''
Let's do it.
[dog barking]
(Augie) Hiya, baby. l'll see you later.
Augie?
l said l'd see you later.
But Augie, how did you get out of my trailer?
You stay right here.
Augie?
[grunting]
[crockery smashing]
[glass shattering]
[thudding]
[grunting]
[groaning]
Thanks for the use of the phone.
[gun cocking]
Excuse me. Gee, l love that hat.
Listen, l need somebody to talk to about taking that RV.
l'm from Acme Axle Repair.
(Nicky) You better tell me...
how many people you got working for you.
Or what? You'll kill me?
Seems to me l get that door prize whether l talk to you or not, pal.
lt's just a matter of how much you end up liking it.
See Marta here? She used to be a nurse for a plastic surgeon.
She knows all kinds of stuff about knives and skin.
And real bad hurts.
l'll bet she likes to cut people's throats while they're asleep.
What you messing with him for?
l told you how many guys l saw at the Judge's.
We ought to take him out and whack him. You shut up.
Just tell them to get the chopper here. lt's on the way.
Judge wasn't supposed to call nobody. No cops. Nobody.
These guys ain't cops. Look here.
You let your lQ peek through for a minute.
l don't know, Nicky. He pulled the tarp over your eyes.
What're you talking? Him and your lady here.
l ought to plug you right here. Hold!
What are you talkin'?
Nick, you said you thought Marta was involved with somebody.
What are you listening him for?
What are you so nervous about?
'Cause we ought to whack him. Maybe l should whack you.
(Hannibal) Sure, Augie. That way...
she doesn't have to split Nicky's dough with you.
[shouting in foreign language]
Be nice. Money? What money? What?
All that money you had in the Swiss bank account.
The money that Marta moved.
Nobody whacks nobody till l find out what's goin' on here.
Howdy to you.
How're doing there? Nice looking outfit you got.
Listen, could you point me the direction of the main office here?
l....
Well, now, that's ever so nice of you.
Keep right on movin', pal.
Hey, what's goin' on over there?
[guns firing]
Get down. Stay there.
What's goin' on here?
Man, here comes Hannibal. Let's give him cover.
You guys all right?
l'm telling you, finding a spot in these trailer parks is murder.
Where's the girl? She's still in there.
lf we can keep her there, we got it made.
[guns firing] Give me a weapon.
[bullets ricocheting]
[sirens wailing]
Oh, no!
Guys, it's Decker!
(Decker on megaphone) Smith, this is Colonel Decker. Come out with your hands up.
ls he kidding?
You're completely surrounded. You can count on it.
l don't believe this.
[helicopter whirring]
[gun firing]
Return fire!
Get that chopper, Captain.
None of the A-Team, sir. Concentrate on that trailer!
Let's get out of here!
Gino.
l can't believe you came all this way. Giuseppe, or Joe?
Joe, that's what they call you here.
Come on, Gino. Joe Scarlett.
The scourge of the American underworld.
Okay, Gino, enough already.
Enough? Enough is right.
Are you ready to come back with me? Come back?
America has been good to me.
Oh, looks like it's been good to you.
You come here...
become a boss of a bunch of idiots.
They can't even sit on this girl until you're free.
What are you talkin' about? They still got her.
l got her.
And she stays with me until this is finished.
You don't understand, Gino.
You never did. You're right.
l never did.
lt was always you, Gino. Always.
Papa would teach you, talk to you, and put you in charge.
l was little Giuseppe. Little Giuseppe this, little Giuseppe that.
Here, l'm somebody.
People are afraid of me. Joe Scarlett.
That name means something. They shake when l walk into a room.
l'm a big man, Gino. l'm a big man here.
You're a big man, my brother.
You're a very big man.
You are my brother. We are blood.
l do for you.
l get you out of this mess...
that you always got into since you were younger.
You and l will know...
l got you out of this.
l make you a big boss again.
Guard!
You tell your big-time American lawyer that he call me...
at my home in Palermo...
to tell me of your release.
[door clanks shut]
Kay, l can't tell you...
how much l've been impressed by your work at the office.
For a junior law clerk, you really have a future ahead of you.
Yes. What is it?
Which phone?
(Face) Payphone, right over there.
Excuse me for a minute.
Well, he certainly knows his champagne. May l?
We have 10 minutes.
Why don't you tell me everything about yourself?
Joe? lt's me calling.
(Shaber) Hey!
l tell you, if you've ever seen the sun go down behind Chappaquiddick Mountain....
l swear. l don't know anything about Judge Mordente's daughter.
l'm just an attorney.
Please!
[gasping]
You better get used to it, fool. Because you're gonna be...
spending a lot of time in hospitals in the near future.
Please, you don't understand.
Scarlett would kill me.
And his brother-- Wait. Wait, wait.
Hold on the presses, Marty...
l think we got a hot one coming over the wire.
lt's the most magnificent sight. See, it sort of just--
Hey! We're on our way. We gotta pick up Hannibal at the Judge's.
ltaly, my friend. ltaly.
ltaly.
And we ain't flyin'.
That's where they're holding her all right. Yeah?
Well, l guess when you're the local don...
you don't have to worry about keeping a low profile.
l mean, who's gonna mess with you? This is a front door job.
No, Hannibal. We did that at the trailer.
We're not gonna try that twice in a row, are we?
Sure we are.
We'll need a back door out. Yeah.
Well, there's a dirt airstrip over that hill there.
We can get a DC-3 off of it. But we'll have to refuel...
and that's going to drain us of our remaining working capital.
But we'll be on our way home.
[B.A. groaning]
[yawns]
(B.A.) You guys put me on a plane.
(B.A.) You dead. You hear me? Dead.
You put me on a plane.
That's what you done. We're in ltaly, right?
You guys knocked me out and flew me to ltaly.
And if you keep up this unsightly behavior, we shall be dead in ltaly.
Those are the bad guys.
No more, you hear? No more planes.
l'm gonna help you guys rescue that poor little girl...
but we ain't getting on no plane.
B.A., we haven't got a plane.
(Hannibal) The one that Face scammed is out of gas.
We have to find some other way home.
Now, let's concentrate on rescuing the girl.
Hannibal has a plan.
We're going through the front door again, right?
l think he's getting to know me. Let's go.
[birds chirping]
lf my father does what you ask, will you let me go?
Kidnapping is such a tricky business.
First, we see what the good Judge decides about my wonderful brother...
then we see what Don Scarlatti decides...
about the Judge's lovely daughter.
Guido? Si.
l leave Salvatore here with you.
As soon as you hear from me, take her out and....
Capiche? Capiche.
[car door closing]
[tires screeching]
[birds chirping]
[man whistles]
[car horn honking]
[speaking in ltalian]
All right, all right. Silenzio.
[groaning]
[horse snorting]
Jeez.
Helpless old man.
[grunting] Why don't you hire somebody to give you a hand?
lf l had a son like you, l'd shoot myself.
l just might do that for you...
if you don't hurry up in getting this cart unloaded and go.
Grazie, grazie.
You have one more bad deed on your conscience when you go to die.
[birds chirping]
Hey, you're not from around here?
No, l come from America.
Chicago, the land of the home and the braves.
Why do you think l got no accent, huh?
[horse nickering]
[yells]
Stop! Please!
[groaning]
Missed me.
[grunting]
[exclaiming]
[groaning]
[both grunting]
Give me, give me.
[grunting]
l can't believe you came after me.
Yeah, we're pretty amazing.
Face!
Get in the car!
Move!
[guns firing]
[bullet ricocheting]
l knew it. l knew you guys were trying to put me on a plane.
l just want to stop by and pick up my suitcase.
l told you, l don't go on no plane.
l'll go by boat or l'll even drive, but no flying.
l really believe that this is not the proper time...
for such a debate, Mr. Baracus!
l ain't flying!
Then time to drop us off and write when you get work.
[guns firing]
Okay, B.A., slow down.
B.A.!
Hey, B.A., slow down! No, no flying!
How could you do that to a poor, defenseless DC-3?
She didn't stand a chance.
l don't believe this.
Now we're stuck in this country without any means of escape!
The Captain has a point there, B.A.
What do you got to say about it?
We ain't flyin'.
[sighing]
Well, l like it.
And, well, l spent all our funds...
getting the plane and artillery for this little jaunt.
So, l have only enough money...
for, maybe, maybe one room.
l like it.
Gonna have to get accommodations for all of us without any money.
Of course. Of course.
Now, Face...
if we had endless amounts of money at our disposal...
and could do whatever we want, whenever we wanted...
we wouldn't really need you, now would we?
That's why l stick around, Hannibal.
You have such a wonderful way...
of making one feel so much a part of the team.
Well, what can you do? l mean, if you haven't any money...
and you don't know anyone onboard, how will you get us on?
Well, it's really just a matter...
of looking like you know what you are doing, you know...
and then steering a wide enough berth...
until someone fills in the proper blank.
Which someone eventually always does.
But it does help when just the right person fills in the blanks.
Correct, Lieutenant?
All right.
Peck, Templeton Peck.
The new replacement?
Carla Singer, Entertainment Director. Well, how do you do?
lt's very nice to meet you.
You know, l really thought l was going to miss the boat. Ship.
See, l was supposed to meet you at your last port of call...
but l was 10 minutes late, so l got down here as fast as l could.
Right. All right. Yeah. l'm so glad l did.
Well, you must either be the new pool boy or Doctor Forbes' assistant.
[knocking on door]
Dr. Forbes, l hope l'm not interrupting.
l'm Dr. Peck, your new assistant.
Well, they told me l couldn't have one. Really?
Well, be that as it may, here l am.
They give you all that grot about budgets, cutbacks--
Right, right, right.
You mind, if l....
No, no, no, no, you might as well look the part.
lt's about as close to being doctors as we get aboard this thing.
We just dispense the liniments for the sunburn...
and we try and assure the people that there never has been...
a recorded case of death by seasickness.
Well, that suits me just fine.
l mean, you.... After 15 operations a week...
some lasting eight, ten hours....
l almost had a nervous breakdown.
l was recuperating in ltaly, you know...
and l decided to get back into it real slow...
and then this offer cropped up.
Where did you do your pre-med work?
Boston. l interned at St. Francis. You're kidding.
Boston and St. Francis?
Why, did you go there?
No. No, l would have liked to have gone there when l was studying.
Yeah, wonderful school.
(purser) l still don't understand where you're going with that.
l told you l have to be ready...
for when Mr. Allerdyce arrives.
But l don't have a Mr. Allerdyce booked on this cruise.
Well, if the patient, l mean, passenger isn't booked on this cruise...
then what am l doing with the man's medical records, huh?
Why have they been forwarded to me, along with some rather...
special medical equipment to be set up in his cabin?
Now, l suggest that you do something about this...
especially, considering the fact...
that Mr. Allerdyce is first cousin to Conrad Stevens.
Conrad Stevens. Chairman of the Carnival Cruise Lines.
Well, no one has booked any of the presidential suites.
Well, l'm sure they'll do just fine.
The one on A-deck...
so he doesn't have that far to travel to get out for some sun.
That's perfect. l'll mention your assistance in this matter to Mr. Allerdyce.
l'm sure he'll be most appreciative.
[ship horn blowing]
No way. l ain't going to let you take care of me.
You're the one who's sick. You can't even take care of nothing.
Not true, not true, not true.
B.A., it's your fault that we're on this ship. Now try and cooperate.
Now, Lori, you have the cabin next door. There's your key.
Oh, and this is for you.
A package? Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, they have a really nice boutique on the upper deck.
Believe me, l know what a strain kidnapping can put on one's wardrobe.
How thoughtful. lt's just a little something.
l'll say.
What about us, Face? You and l'll bunk in the cruise quarters.
And you're gonna be the doctor?
Assistant, Hannibal, doctor's assistant.
You still haven't told me about the other job, the one l'm stuck with.
Haven't l? Face.
l could have sworn l mentioned....
Yeah, well, you are going to help out...
all the beautiful ladies around the pool.
You mean l'm the pool boy?
Well, we like to call them ''pool persons.''
Face. Hannibal, l'm sorry...
but, you know, l figured that we only had the money...
for the one room for Lori...
so, B.A., being the most conspicuous, had to come in as Mr. Allerdyce.
Now, let's see. Oh, yeah, that's you.
You know how you love a uniform.
[door opening]
Well, how do l look?
[sighing]
The pool, Hannibal, it's gonna be flesh, flesh and more flesh.
What do you know about being a doctor?
Hannibal, please, piece of cake.
Besides, 90% of the cases on board this ship...
are nothing but sweet, young things who've been too long in the sun.
That's just wonderful.
l could just sit here for hours while you do that.
Yeah. Well, look, you can take this tube with you--
Please don't stop.
No, you see, when you stop, it just hurts so bad.
Yeah. Well, now, if you just use this stuff twice a day, the....
The label says three times a day.
Yeah, well they just print that stuff.
l mean, you can use it three times a day, if you feel you need to.
Yes, make it three times a day.
Okay, bye now.
(Forbes) Dr. Peck.
My assistant will be with you momentarily.
Mr. Liebowitz here needs a colonic.
Could you take care of him, please?
A colonic?
[buzzing]
Will you excuse me a minute?
Believe it or not, l would have rather stayed here with you.
[[[singing Volare]
[clicks tongue]
Hey, who loves you, baby?
Johnny? Yeah.
Here's the list of anniversaries and birthdays for this evening's show.
Okay. And Mrs. Petrie would like you to come over...
and present an autographed album to Aunt Gretel.
Sure. Anytime l can put a little sunshine...
into the life of the little people, you know?
Carla, honey, what do l have to give you to get a little kiss?
Chloroform.
Oh!
Carla? Hi. Hi.
Look, l'm sorry to interrupt-- Then, why are you?
Be nice, Johnny. Right, especially to the less fortunate.
Templeton Peck, this is Johnny Angel.
Johnny Angel. l like it. Most people do.
Look, Carla, l was just wondering...
l saw a motor launch let some people off on the boat.
Yes, a Mr. Scarlatti and his party.
Mr. Scarlatti.
Yes, l guess they missed the boat back at Palermo...
so the captain sent a motor launch to bring him out.
He's in the presidential suite on C deck. Thanks.
Why do you look at him like that? What is he?
Cute.
[chuckling]
Hey, baby, come win the taste test.
Someone had to have seen them.
lf not the girl, then one of those four scungillis who grabbed her.
l'll check with the purser's office.
Find out about the persons who got on board at Palermo.
l just want to know they're on board.
lf they're here, then she is here. And l want her dead.
lf l have to, l'll blow up the whole damn ship.
l got less than 24 hours.
l promise each and everyone here...
if my brother gets convicted...
l'll cut your hearts out and mail them to him.
Now, find that girl and kill her.
[speaking in ltalian]
Don't you worry, my brother.
Don't you worry.
How did you get in here? l'm sorry. l was looking for C-61 .
Would you look there? ''E-61,'' wrong deck.
l'm the ship's doctor, l....
Somebody reported a very bad case of seasickness, so l'll just....
Do l look seasick to you, Doctor?
No, no, actually you look....
Perhaps, you could take a very deep breath and....
[moaning]
l'm sorry. Look, l can explain. lt's just-- l understand.
You do? lt happens wherever l go.
Men just can seem to stay away from me.
lt must be a terrible burden.
Especially with my boyfriend being so jealous.
Yes, well, l do recall...
having to tell someone something....
You know, Bull does his laps every day until 3:00.
Bull? That's just what his friends call him.
Arnold Bulinsky is his name. ''Bull'' for short.
l see. For a minute there l thought that was because he was...
you know, built.
Yes, until 3:00, huh? Right.
l really do have to tell someone something...
very, very, important.
[exclaiming]
Kitty! Thank God. Quick, quick, some water.
What are you doing?
What am l doing? What do you think l'm doing?
l'm trying to bring her around.
[moaning] Now quick, the water, move.
Hey, the water. Thanks.
Here. Maybe you better sit up.
Easy, easy.
Sip it. Nice and slow.
Would you.... Thanks.
Now, if you'll just lie back. There you go.
Oh, boy, your pulse feels like a trip hammer.
No kidding.
What happened, honey? Bull, l don't know.
Well, l just found her lying on the floor there.
l mean, luckily l was on the wrong deck, you know.
Someone recorded a very bad case of halitosis.
So, l came to the wrong deck...
and l just happened to spot Miss....
Tremayne. Miss Tremayne. But of course....
Anyway, l don't think you've hit your head or sustained any concussion or anything...
but l just suggest you take it easy for a day or two...
and you know, don't push....
What caused it? Maybe she's ill?
No. lt's just your typical case of, uh, anatonia...
caused by a shift in the currents in lower latitudes.
Perhaps you've been experiencing some of these symptoms.
[groaning]
l'm as fit as a horse. Of course you are.
[moaning] l've been telling you to stay more in shape, babe.
ls there anything else that l need, Doctor?
Well, yes. l think you should take a nap in the afternoons...
whenever you feel the need.
[door closing]
[screaming]
[people chattering]
[women screaming]
Anything you ladies need?
Towels, suntan lotion. Suntan lotion--
Yo, boy, where's that towel, huh?
As l said, anything you need, feel free to call--
What are you doing, knitting the lousy thing?
Excuse me.
Where's the drink? l ordered another drink over 10 minutes ago.
Johnny, did anyone ever tell you that you got one set of lousy manners?
Certainly not a towel boy...
and nobody calls me Johnny without my say-so.
Hey, she can have my say-so.
Let me tell you something.
But l like to let the little people off with the first offense...
especially when they're my name-sake.
But next time you'll be paddling back to Capri on a rubber horsie.
So, get me that towel and find me that cold drink.
And maybe if you bring around a date after my show...
l'll mention your name on the mike.
See, it guarantees extra tips when you're tight with The Angel.
You know, Face, l really like this job you got me...
but l may have to go to the lounge soon...
because that guy Angel is going fishing very shortly--
lxnay that, Hannibal, we got real trouble.
That launch that took off on the side of ship?
Right. Left the entire cast of The Cotton Club behind.
We'd better get out of sight. l'll get B.A. and Murdock.
See if you can spring Lori from Jaws.
Say cheeks, all right. Here we go.
[camera clicking]
You better get below deck. What's going on?
Hey, Kildare, why don't you go peddle your aspirin elsewhere?
You better get below deck, you see, you'll....
Yeah, you're absolutely H-positive skin type. Now, now....
l'll stop by with the liniment.
Hey, what cabin can l deliver the photos to?
That's all right. l'll see that she gets it.
Liniment? Where do you guys come up with these raps?
Well, you pick them up in very short order around here.
[camera clicking] Say cheeks.
[whooping]
All right, all right, that's a definite upward trend...
for members of the black team.
l want to get out of here, Murdock.
All right, B.A., just cool. This is all part of the disguise.
l mean, old crotchety people love to play shuffleboard.
l said l want to go downstairs. l want to go to my cabin.
All right. Well, you can't just get up and walk, all right?
You're gonna have to sit down and you gonna have to enjoy this game of skill.
l want to go down.
Well, you can't. Not until your nurse, and that is moi, says you can.
You gonna take me downstairs now or l'm gonna give you...
the worst case of ring around the collar you ever saw.
B.A., put Murdock down, get back in your chair...
and meet me in your cabin right away.
[Murdock panting]
Not bad, especially when you put my neck in the U of that hook.
l was just trying to teach you how to have a good time...
when you grow up to be an old lady, because make no doubt about it...
when you're 45 you're gonna be wearing a drip...
and ain't nobody's gonna wanna dance with you.
Are you absolutely sure that it's Scarlatti?
Well, some faces make an indelible impression, you know.
Especially when you see them for the first time...
over the barrel of a machine gun.
How many men did he have with him?
lt was like the Volkswagen at the circus.
Guys just kept coming out, each one bigger than the next.
l ran into four of 'em just trying to find you guys.
The first thing they'll do is to check the ship's registry.
Find out how many cabins we took after we sailed from Palermo.
Lori, don't go back to your cabin. Stay here.
(B.A.) Stay here?
Hannibal, we all can't stay cooped up in the same cabin for two weeks.
B.A., there are more of them than there are of us.
Besides, we don't have any weapons that we can conceal.
We'll have to thin them out a little.
l don't understand. l mean, if there are so many of them...
what can you do if they're all armed?
Cut down the odds. Take some of the other side out.
We'll run across a couple of guns along the way.
lf we start roaming around the ship, they're gonna recognize us.
We could all move around freely...
if we were all in disguise.
(Carla) A costume party?
Everybody who's come to see me, which is half the people on this boat....
Ship, has said, ''What about a costume party?''
l've been a cruise director for four years now...
and l've never heard of a costume party.
Really? They went out with hula hoops.
Well, half the people on this cruise went out with hula hoops.
Yeah, that's the trouble with cruises today.
l mean, why get rid of a good thing, you know?
l can't believe that many people asked about one.
Are you kidding? Oh, sure.
l mean, all kinds of people have been coming up to me.
You see, the best costume gets to sit at the captain's table for dinner.
lt's an old custom. l'm surprised you haven't heard of it.
Yeah, even the captain was saying-- The Captain?
Yeah, By the way, l love this scarf.
Yeah, l was giving the Captain a shot in his cabin, B-1 2.
And he was saying how much he missed the good old days. So l said--
No costume party was mentioned when people signed up for the cruise.
Yeah, but-- No one has any costumes.
That's half the fun. You get to create your own costume.
You really don't know anything about this, do you? lt's amazing.
Are you trying to do my job for me or something?
No, please, No, l.... No?
That doctor, he gets more action....
Look, l'm sorry. l don't know what came over me.
You've never done anything like that before?
No, no. No.
lt's kind of hard to explain. You see--
A costume party, huh? Yeah.
Yeah?
Come on. Shut up, fool.
Please, B.A., please.
(B.A.) l said, no. And no is no.
What's going on?
Well, l have nothing to wear. l mean l have absolutely nothing to wear.
l asked him if l could borrow those delicious feathered earrings?
He's not even going to that party today...
and he said no. Do you know why? Because he is jealous.
That's why. Because l'll get a date.
Perhaps l would be the first to marry...
and mine will be the first-born male child on the A-Team.
And he just couldn't have that, could he?
Little tuck here and there, you know.
Gold braid...
on the shoulder...
toy sword and voila!
Charge Of The Light Brigade.
Well, that's it, then. l mean that's it.
All the good costumes are gone.
Where does that leave me then?
Hey, you can sit on Face's lap and go as Jerry Mahoney.
Don't you talk to me, Mr. Won't-lend-his-earrings.
[people chattering]
I'm going to keep everybody having a good time happy all over this ship.
[people cheering]
Hey, Donnie, why don't you check up there?
A nice round of applause, ladies and gentlemen...
for our M and M twins.
Let's here it, ladies and gentlemen.
[[[Murdock singing]
Oh, wow, my, my!
How inventive!
l mean, l just can't get over the cleverness, the ingenuity of it.
You are definitely gonna win today's contest.
You are the best-dressed Bowery bum l've ever seen.
You have a problem, buddy?
[laughing]
l'm just a little giddy.
Everything is so refreshing. You want some punch?
[door closing]
l got him.
No weapons, Murdock? You looking for these?
Oh.
Nice.
Now we need something for the rest of you guys.
l shall be back by the stroke of midnight.
Or sooner, if they run out of finger sandwiches.
[laughing]
The man does not long for this world, Hannibal.
l'm not sure he was ever in it.
Yeah! Is everybody having a good time?
(crowd) Yeah!
All right, come on, people!
(Johnny) Having a good time, aren't you? Yeah!
Let's have a nice hand for this guy.
Yeah! Yeah!
[[[music playing]
(Johnny) Carla!
Carla, this was a brilliant idea.
Of all the cruise directors that l've worked with before...
l was wondering who was gonna pull this one out of the trunk and dust it off.
You really are special. Like me.
So, l was thinking that two special people-- ls one too many.
Yeah.
So, Johnny, you like the costume party, huh?
lt's a real dipstick idea.
A bunch of grown-ups runnin' around, dressed for Halloween?
l mean, there's something unnatural. l mean, what do you call this?
l'm a class act direct from Vegas.
Did you see the card out front?
lt says, ''Johnny Angel, the King of Croon.''
Right about now, l'd be into the Sinatra set.
Doing Strangers In the Night or My Way...
which is old Blue-Eyes' favorite the way l do it.
l end the show off with some Volare, which usually brings the house down.
l'm out here playing Monty Hall to a couple of cucumber sandwiches...
from Keokuk Falls.
Well, hang in there, Johnny.
Remember, it's all in good fun...
and l hear you're into having fun.
[[[singing Volare]
What do you think? l am the ghost of Christmas future.
You see what happened to the guy who was with me?
Too much punch.
(Carla) Everyone's having a good time.
l never would have believed this.
Got two .25 automatic, Hannibal, and one extra clip.
With this P38 what Face can get us, we should be all right.
We got to find him. l'll take the upper deck.
l'll check if you'd like, Colonel. lt's a heck of a party.
You got to check it out, too, B.A.
l'll lend you my sheet.
Everybody having a good time?
[laughing]
(Johnny) You got it!
[people chattering]
l thought we could.... Well....
[moaning]
Look, l have a patient in traction and l have to look in on her.
Really.
Kitty, what, what--
Doctor, l'm feeling sick again. l think l need mouth to mouth.
Yeah, l really do have a patient in traction that l have to look in on.
The traction is not going anywhere.
l knew it!
How dare you?
[groaning]
l knew it.
[grunting]
[gasping]
What did you do to him?
What do you mean, what did l do to him?
He tried to kill me, for cryin' out aloud.
He was trying to protect me. You're right.
No mask.
[groaning]
Put him down, pal.
Oh....
[gasping]
[coughing]
How very charming.
That's her. Si.
[door opening]
What do you call this? What are you guys doing in my room?
That's a very pretty girl...
and obviously a good friend of yours.
All pretty girls are good friends of mine...
but that still don't give you guys the right to break into my room.
Perhaps this does, hmm?
ls everybody around here going crazy?
You guys know who you're messing with?
l open for Ol' Blue-Eyes when he plays Tahoe.
What, wait a minute. Where is she?
Now get hold of the Captain.
Tell him to get the authorities out here to arrest these jokers.
My baby. He'll be fine, believe me.
[groaning] Here's a little present for you.
That fish you caught don't have any scales.
Have a nice swim, Lieutenant?
Now, we got everybody except Scarlatti and his lieutenant, right?
Right.
Let's go get him.
[women screaming]
[screaming]
Drop your weapons, now!
l think we have a first-prize winner here: ''Best Gangster.''
Now, or we sending this little girl home to Papa in a shoebox!
Too many innocent bystanders.
lt's his call, guys.
(Captain) This is M.S. Tropicale calling...
the Italian coast guard station at Palermo.
The ship is under siege.
Armed gunmen are aboard the ship.
We are 38 degrees, 20. 10 minutes north...
and 10 degrees 06.30 minutes east.
We need immediate assistance.
[woman screaming]
Let's go.
Now remember...
anybody who sticks their nose out gets it shot off.
Mr. Scarlatti, everything is under control.
Get the Captain's launch lowered.
Bernie, Rico, you take care of these gentlemen.
Come on, let's go.
(Lori) What do you want?
You and l have some business to discuss, family business.
My brother and your father.
[grunting]
No, wait! Help!
Murdock....
lt's all right. l got him.
Please....
Please don't hurt my friends.
l'll do anything. Anything you want. Of course you will.
Of course you'll do anything l want.
You realize what kind of difficulties you put me through?
Don't you realize it's too late? Huh?
You're worried about hurting people?
Why you take me around the floor with this tarantella?
Now l got to blow up this ship with all these witnesses.
[gun cocking] God, no, not all these innocent people.
Life can be unfair, no?
But what we got to do is call up your father...
you tell him what l say you to tell him.
Or things will go from bad to worse, in no time at all.
[all grunting]
[grunting]
[groaning]
Pull back! Come on down!
We need that chopper, Captain. What do you say?
[chuckling]
[woman groaning]
Do you want to see why we just swam...
200 yards to get you?
Look at this. Look.
[bullet ricocheting]
[machine gun firing]
[bullet ricochets]
Yeah!
[ Smash him, thrash him, throw him on the floor [
[ Rock him, sock him, knock him in the jaw [[
[[[Murdock humming]
[exclaiming]