[Telephone ringing]
Hello.
Jay, this is your mother.
Your father and I are taking you out of our will.
We feel you already have enough money.
Oh, yes, and Happy Birthday.
[Phone clicks]
[Ice cracking]
[All screaming]
[All groaning]
[Hissing]
[Smacking]
It stinks.
[Clicks]
[Spraying]
Oh!
What's wrong?
I'm 36 years old, I'm lonely,
my hair comes out of a spray can.
You know, I ought to go on camera without this stuff.
Let the world see me as I really am.
It's empty.
Oh! I'm bald and ugly. Get more!
Hello, I'm Jay sherman,
and this is coming attractions.
Tonight I'll be reviewing home alone 5.
[Gasps]
We left Kevin home alone,
and he's only 23.
[Screaming]
But first, let's start
with Arnold Schwarzenegger's latest film: Rabbi p.I.
It's the story of a Chicago cop
who goes undercover as a hasidic Jew.
Eat lead, rabbi.
Sorry. That's not kosher.
All right,
if you are a real rabbi,
circumcise this child.
[Groaning]
Havah nagilah, baby.
Well, maybe just a little.
♪ Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel ♪
♪ I made you out of Clay
feh!
Anyway, to get to the part of the show you like the best
and I find humiliating,
on the shermometer,
this film rates an absolute zero.
Brr!
And cut.
[Ripping]
Ah, this new stuff feels great.
Where'd you get it?
Some kids were painting "king dork" on your car with it.
[Slamming]
Why the hell do you have to be so critical?
I'm a critic.
No. Your job is to rate movies
on a scale from good to excellent.
What if I don't like them?
That's what "good" is for.
Mr. Phillips, we go on in 5 seconds.
I own this network, boy.
Just put up that picture of me on a horse.
♪[Banjo music playing]
God, I look fabulous.
Look, this isn't art,
it's just mindless pablum for losers who can barely read.
Oh, that reminds me,
I've got an interview with people magazine.
Mr. Phillips, you're fabulously wealthy,
you're a world-class athlete,
you were great in bed last night.
How does that feel?
I have no one to envy.
I envy you having me to envy.
We're back with "star poop."
Let's welcome a young actress
whose first film opens next month,
Valerie fox.
Oh!
I must confess I haven't seen your movie yet.
Well, let's not talk about the movie.
Let's talk about you.
Ah, my favorite subject.
[Screaming]
[Groans]
You know, I'm your biggest fan.
Oh, I have no fans.
Most of my viewers are drunken frat boys
who like to make fun of me.
Hey, look. He's picking his nose.
[All snickering]
It's really simple.
I find smart men very sexy,
and you are the most intelligent man on television.
[Exclaims]
Would you like to have dinner with me?
Oh, I couldn't.
You're an actress. I'm a critic.
There's an insatiable line between us.
Uh, I mean invisible.
There's an invisible line between us.
Oh!
[Laughing]
All right, I'll have dinner with you.
But first, can we have a serious discussion of your film?
I think that's what our audience is here for.
Hey, look. She's drinking a beer.
[Electricity surges]
Oh, this really stinks.
I'm sorry.
They send me on these talk shows
and tell me to be some sort of femme fatale.
I think it's all pretty silly myself.
I know how it is.
I always have to look my sexiest.
That's why I'm wearing these tight size 42 pants.
[Giggling]
Now, Valerie,
your new film, kiss of death,
is being compared to basic instinct.
Would you compare yourself to Sharon stone?
I find comparing actresses very demeaning.
Don't you?
Can we get a shot of that?
[Tires screeching]
Hey, mister, why does your car say "king dork"?
Uh, I bought it from king dorkenheiser of Finland.
I thought Finland was a constitutional democracy.
Just park the car.
♪[Jazz music playing]
Ah, Mr. sherman,
I have saved for you
the very best table in the house.
Just perfect for the schmoozing.
[Gasps]
Conan o'brien.
[Gibbering]
Oh, great.
They sat us in the critics' section.
(Critic #1) Pelican brief?
More like Turkey too long.
Even Satan himself would love this angel hair pasta.
It's a good buy, and so, goodbye,
from Mr. good guy, gene shalit.
You were a model, weren't you?
Don't pigeonhole me.
Yes, I was a model.
Yes, I was a beauty queen.
Yes, I dated Donald trump.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Oh, yeah.
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm sneaking a peek at your mcguppies.
It's my stumbling attempt at intimacy.
If that's what you want, look in my eyes.
O ye gods!
[Dog barking]
And that's me on the set of dances with wolves.
They gave me a small part.
I played throws-like-a-girl.
I didn't know you were married.
It didn't work out.
I don't know why I ever married you.
[Sobbing]
What's this?
That is my pulitzer prize.
Oh, no, wait.
No, I'm sorry. That's my pulitzer prize.
I won this at summer camp.
For what?
[Slurping]
More. More.
Uh, I killed a bear.
I guess I should be going,
but I just can't leave. Do you get that feeling?
Yes, but I live here.
No. What I mean is,
this door's going to close soon,
and whether I'm inside or outside
could change our lives forever.
(Jay) Say, what do you do in your movie?
(Valerie) I play a woman who seduces chubby men,
then kills them in their sleep.
Interesting.
She looks good from every angle.
Eh?
Ahhh!
Sorry, I'll just go to the bathroom
and let you make a graceful escape.
No, no. I really enjoyed last night.
Oh, really?
You have such cute little ears.
Dad, you're out of doritos.
[Screaming]
What are you doing here?
We were gonna go shopping for husky pants together.
Excuse us.
Then you were gonna take me to that ice cream place
and tell them it's my birthday again.
Shh. What?
Shut up.
Now, son, you may just have noticed
there was a beautiful woman in my bed.
I won't tell anyone.
Actually, I wish you would tell everyone.
Particularly your mother
and her personal trainer, Alberto.
He says I should call him Uncle Al now.
That's crazy. Why should you do that?
'Cause he's such a great guy and I like him so much.
Oh.
I'm going to say something to you
and I think you know what it is.
Buzz off?
No.
I love you.
What?
I love you.
Wow!
You know, I still haven't heard you say it.
I love you!
That's all I needed to hear.
[Sniffling]
My, my. You make a lovely couple.
Hey, vlada,
why don't you hang this on the wall
in place of my old photo?
Hey. Where is it?
Uh, well, you know, um...
Ugh!
Mr. hawke, could I have your autograph?
I just loved you in crocodile Gandhi.
You see? People did like that picture.
I'm sorry, I just didn't think
you made a very convincing mahatma.
I will bring peace between the hindu and the Muslim,
but first a tasteful glimpse of my bottom for the ladies.
Don't look so smug. I've got my fans, too.
Excuse me. Could I rub your hump for luck?
I don't have a hump.
You hunchbacks are so selfish.
Get away from me!
[Muttering]
(Valerie) Jay!
I'll be right over.
Oh, no.
What's wrong, mate?
I'm afraid if my girlfriend meets you,
she won't want me anymore.
You've got a point, there.
Women love me no matter what I do.
I've tried not shaving, I've tried not bathing.
[Imitating bullwinkle] I've even tried talking like this.
No use.
Sweetheart, this is Jeremy hawke.
Hi.
Honey, I was just having lunch with my agent.
Oh. Is he the one sucking the marrow out of the bones?
[Laughing]
Uh-huh. Well, anyway, I'll see you tonight.
♪ She liked me much better ♪
♪ she liked me much better ♪
I'm very happy for you.
♪ Take your genitalia
♪ right back to Australia
all right. All right.
Congratulations, my friend.
You have reached up to heaven and plucked out an angel.
I'm thinking of asking her to marry me.
[Spewing]
Oh, you bloody twit. Come with me.
Huh!
Bubbee, never marry an actress,
and never do blackface at the n.A.A.C.P. Image awards.
2 things I've learned from experience.
But I love Valerie.
I'm taking her to meet my parents this week.
Jay, we have a saying in Australia.
Well, it's not really a saying, it's a drinking song.
It's about a bottle of beer and the men who loved her.
And it doesn't really apply here,
but my advice to you is slow down.
Why are you telling me this?
Because you're the only decent guy I've met in this dreadful country.
I love you, mate.
Wow, that's twice in one day.
I love you, too.
You just love my money.
That is true.
But it is a love that will never die.
[Tires screeching]
I can't believe your folks live here.
[Ringing]
You know, Valerie,
there's something I should tell you about my parents.
Hello, son.
You're adopted.
Well, duh.
Good to see you, adopted master Jay.
Ugh!
This is my sister, margo.
She's a junior at Ms. hathaway's school for untouched girls.
Margo, this is Valerie.
She loves me.
[Chomping]
[Squeaking]
I saw your show the other night, son.
Doing the weather now, are you?
No, dad. That was the shermometer.
So, my boy, do you think it'll snow tomorrow?
I don't know.
Well, we sure could use some snow.
Had the chains on since July.
My father had a stroke a few years ago.
He didn't really.
We just say that to explain his personality.
The peanut is neither a pea nor a nut.
So, I hear you're an actress.
Oh, wait. It is a nut.
Yes. My first movie comes out next week.
Oh, I see.
You're just dating my son till he gives you a good review.
Then you'll drop him,
and he'll be back here with one of those nice girls
from the escort service.
I'm not dating your son for a good review.
I just hope that after he sees the movie,
he doesn't stop loving me.
I'm not gonna stop loving you
after I've been decaying in the ground for 200 years.
Oh! Can't one dinner go by
where we don't talk about your rotting corpse?
Sorry.
I'm sure Valerie loves you.
I only brought it up because we care about you.
That's why we finally decided not to give you back to the orphanage.
You were thinking of giving me back?
Oh, son, if I've said it once, I've said it 1,000 times.
Who are all you people?
And this is where I had my 8th birthday party.
The clown scared me and I wet my pants.
Everyone laughed and called me "wee wee."
Kids can be so cruel.
Hiya, wee wee.
Still wetting them drawers?
Oh, shut up!
Sure thing, Mr. "w."
[Snuffles]
Valerie, how'd you like to go for a ride?
Sure.
Jay, are you coming?
Sorry.
I had a very bad experience with a horse once.
Now, before I let you ride the pony,
are you sure you weigh less than 80 pounds?
Uh, yeah.
[Bones breaking]
[Horse neighing]
Patches.
No!
Now, look, I'll be honest.
This is the ride I take with all my brother's girlfriends
where they admit they're just using him.
Why does everyone have such a hard time believing I love Jay?
How can I put this?
For one thing,
his butt sticks out like an air conditioner.
Ooh, a daffodil.
Listen, I meet incredible-looking guys
all the time.
But I never met a man as smart and funny
and who appreciates me as much as your brother.
Really?
Really.
Oh, great.
Welcome to our crappy family.
Hurry up, dad,
you've only got 10 seconds to get to long island.
Uh-oh. Yankee stadium is emptying out.
And it's nickel-beer day.
Oh, no. The rev. Al sharpton!
Blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
♪[Whistling]
Dad, I've never seen you so happy.
Does this have something to do
with the naked lady you were in bed with?
Ha! Out of the mouths of babes.
Son, let me tell you the key to holding on to a woman.
You must build from a foundation
of trust and understanding.
If that doesn't work, tell her you have a tumor.
Either way, the key word is "growth."
I don't get it.
The point is,
tonight there's a screening of my girlfriend's movie.
I'm going to play sick
so I don't have to review it.
So, you're saying it's ok to lie?
No, son. You should only lie in that rare case
where the good far outdoes the harm.
My friend and I have a bet.
Are you Dustin Hoffman?
Yes.
This is m.J.N.N.:
The Michael Jackson news network,
with bureaus in Bangkok, London and Disneyland.
[Knocking on door]
Sweetheart.
Honey, I heard you were sick.
Oh, yes, I am.
Much too sick to see your movie.
[Clearing throat]
Oh! Oh, poor baby.
Valerie, I want to tell you how happy you've made me.
Something's opened within me.
We men have petals, too, you know.
♪ A story told through time
♪ happening in New York
♪ he's a lemon
♪ she's a lime
♪ beauty and king dork
♪ he's Adam to her Eve
♪ she's mindy to his mork
♪ her hair's like silk
♪ he's had a weave
♪ beauty and king dork
what did you say?
Huh? Oh, I... I said,
how useful is the spork.
You know, that spoon-fork thing
you get at Kentucky fried chicken.
I covered that up pretty well.
[Knocking on door]
Sorry you missed the screening of kiss of death tonight.
I'm a very sick man.
Oh? Well, anyway, they sent over a cassette of the movie.
Boss wants you to review it tomorrow.
No! No! Oh, my shrink was right.
God does hate me.
[Sobbing]
Ah, come on. How bad could she be?
She's wonderful.
♪[Music playing]
Come on, baby, give me a kiss.
[Smooching]
Oh, I'll give you a kiss, all right.
A kiss of death.
Hotchie-motchie.
She's awful.
"My darling, I'm going off to review your movie.
"If you're here when I come back,
"I'll know our love really meant something.
If you're not, I'll know why."
In case you are going...
(Man) Yo! Get out of my way!
Did you ever love a woman so much that...
look at sign.
Oh!
Doris, I'm about to do a review
that could cost me the woman I love.
Gee, that's tough.
Sometimes I think this job isn't worth $271,000 a year.
$271,000?
[Screaming]
Put it out! Put out my head!
You did that on purpose.
So, what if I did? I'm union.
Welcome to coming attractions.
Tonight we'll be reviewing
family affair: The motion picture.
Just look who got $8 million to play Mr. French.
Buffy, Jody,
for your lunch I have made
peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
Would you make a sandwich for my doll, Mrs. beasley?
Yeah, sure. That's exactly what I feel like doing.
Of course I can get together a little sandwich
for your stupid little doll. Hang on a sec'.
But first, we will be looking
at the new romantic thriller, kiss of death.
[Sighs]
I'm afraid you can't review this film
without reviewing its lead actress, Valerie fox.
She's a beautiful girl and she tries her best.
But God bless her sweet face,
she just wasn't very good this time.
But many actresses started badly and got better.
Brilliant even.
Sally field,
Cher,
uh, those adorable Olsen twins on full house.
Oh.
On this t.V.,
I do believe his nose is bigger than my foot.
Look. See? Isn't that incredible?
Please, you've got to tell me.
Did a beautiful woman leave my apartment?
I wouldn't know.
I've been drinking in the alley all morning.
[Sighs]
Please be there. Please be there. Please be there.
Valerie!
You're still here.
You're short, you're fat,
and even for a film critic, you're ugly.
[Gasping]
Oh, I see, you want me to beg.
Well, there's one thing you didn't count on, I have no pride.
Please, please, please.
Please, please.
Denise, if you come back to me,
I'll give up gambling for good.
What a loser.
Soon-yi, I... I swear I didn't know
she was your sister.
You know, a lot of people think I'm a cynic,
but I'm not. You know why?
Because I know you're coming back to me.
Now!
Now.
[Sniffing]
[Whirring sound]
(Man on t.V.) I thought you were taking Kathy out tonight.
Why do they call it "taking out"?
I took her to a restaurant. It wasn't out, it was in.
I would say I'm taking her in,
but then she sounds like a pair of pants.
Whoa! Oh!
[Laughing]
Why aren't you laughing, dad?
This is how people actually talk.
I'm sitting on top of a volcano of rage
and I've got nowhere to direct it.
There's a critic's screening
of the new Sylvester Stallone movie tonight.
What's it about?
Let's see.
He plays a concert pianist who...
to the multiplex!
Yeah!
[Munching]
[Slurping]
(Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Excuse me, sir, the show's over.
Get away, zit-face.
[Chattering]
Shh.