1 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:22,387 [Telephone ringing] 2 00:00:23,523 --> 00:00:25,023 Hello. 3 00:00:25,090 --> 00:00:28,393 (Gene shalit) Hi, this is gene shalit. I'm having a bad hair day. 4 00:00:28,460 --> 00:00:31,329 If you don't believe me, look out the window. 5 00:00:50,883 --> 00:00:52,283 [Ice cracking] 6 00:00:52,351 --> 00:00:53,785 [All screaming] 7 00:00:53,853 --> 00:00:55,319 [All groaning] 8 00:01:05,064 --> 00:01:06,330 It stinks. 9 00:01:08,434 --> 00:01:09,367 [Clicks] 10 00:01:18,177 --> 00:01:20,045 (Jay) ♪ hey, hey 11 00:01:20,112 --> 00:01:21,212 ♪ hey, hey, hey 12 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:22,180 ♪ go! 13 00:01:22,247 --> 00:01:24,449 ♪ Macho, macho man 14 00:01:24,516 --> 00:01:25,450 yeah! 15 00:01:25,517 --> 00:01:28,787 ♪ I've gotta be a macho man 16 00:01:28,854 --> 00:01:31,155 ♪ macho, macho man 17 00:01:31,223 --> 00:01:32,557 yeow! 18 00:01:32,625 --> 00:01:34,225 [Stomach whooshing] 19 00:01:34,293 --> 00:01:35,193 [Gasps] 20 00:01:38,363 --> 00:01:39,798 [All laughing] 21 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:42,500 Nice butt. 22 00:01:42,568 --> 00:01:43,534 Thank you. 23 00:01:51,143 --> 00:01:52,376 Ew. 24 00:01:54,747 --> 00:01:56,314 Ew. 25 00:01:56,381 --> 00:01:58,650 Marty, your father's here. 26 00:01:58,718 --> 00:02:00,118 You're still redecorating? 27 00:02:00,185 --> 00:02:03,021 The old wallpaper had too many bad memories. 28 00:02:06,391 --> 00:02:08,593 Come on, dad, we're going to be late for career day. 29 00:02:08,661 --> 00:02:10,095 I had a career once, 30 00:02:10,162 --> 00:02:12,230 but I threw it away for you. 31 00:02:14,100 --> 00:02:16,134 I can't believe I fell in love with a man 32 00:02:16,201 --> 00:02:18,069 whose face I've never seen. 33 00:02:18,137 --> 00:02:21,305 [Muffled speech] 34 00:02:21,373 --> 00:02:23,808 And whose voice I've never heard. 35 00:02:23,876 --> 00:02:25,744 [Muffled speech] 36 00:02:29,314 --> 00:02:30,214 Happy? 37 00:02:31,183 --> 00:02:33,752 [Screaming] 38 00:02:37,990 --> 00:02:39,390 So, Marty, how's school? 39 00:02:39,458 --> 00:02:40,391 [Sighs] 40 00:02:40,459 --> 00:02:42,326 I got beat up yesterday. 41 00:02:42,394 --> 00:02:43,561 I know how it is, son. 44 00:02:49,902 --> 00:02:51,002 Ugh! 45 00:02:51,070 --> 00:02:53,805 I still say it was ho-ho-horrible. 46 00:02:53,873 --> 00:02:56,908 Hey, sherman, review this nutcracker suite. 47 00:02:56,976 --> 00:02:58,977 ♪ Ow-ow-ow, ow, ow 48 00:02:59,045 --> 00:03:01,379 ♪ ow, ow-ow-ow, ow-ow-ow 49 00:03:01,446 --> 00:03:04,082 ♪ ow-ow-ow-ow-ow. Ow-ow! ♪ 50 00:03:04,150 --> 00:03:06,885 (male announcer) Attention students from underdeveloped countries. 51 00:03:06,952 --> 00:03:08,687 Sally struthers is here to see you, 52 00:03:08,754 --> 00:03:10,722 and she brought 500 sandwiches. 53 00:03:10,790 --> 00:03:13,792 Whatever she can't eat is yours. 54 00:03:13,859 --> 00:03:15,493 Hey! Well, if it isn't 55 00:03:15,561 --> 00:03:18,763 my favorite neurotic, Jewish New York filmmaker. 56 00:03:18,831 --> 00:03:20,098 Oh, hi, Jay. 57 00:03:20,166 --> 00:03:21,432 You're speaking at career day? 58 00:03:22,101 --> 00:03:23,168 Career day? 59 00:03:23,235 --> 00:03:24,535 I thought this was the prom. 60 00:03:29,141 --> 00:03:30,608 [Water splashing] Yeow! 61 00:03:30,676 --> 00:03:32,811 Glad he's getting back to physical shtick. 62 00:03:32,878 --> 00:03:35,947 Hi, there, I am Omar's daddy, 63 00:03:36,015 --> 00:03:37,515 and I am a 64 00:03:37,583 --> 00:03:40,418 president for life. 65 00:03:40,485 --> 00:03:43,988 I rely on terror and oppression 66 00:03:44,056 --> 00:03:46,791 because everyone plots against me. 67 00:03:46,859 --> 00:03:48,093 I was gonna say that. 68 00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:49,393 Shh. 69 00:03:49,461 --> 00:03:50,862 [Screeching] 70 00:03:50,930 --> 00:03:51,996 [German accent] There. 71 00:03:52,064 --> 00:03:55,200 It is as if someone wrenched my soul from my body 72 00:03:55,267 --> 00:03:57,401 and splattered it on the wall. 73 00:03:57,469 --> 00:03:58,669 Thank you, Horst. 74 00:03:59,471 --> 00:04:01,572 I'm ashamed. 75 00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:03,842 Now let's hear from Marty's dad. 76 00:04:05,211 --> 00:04:06,410 I am a... 77 00:04:08,748 --> 00:04:11,349 Film critic. 78 00:04:11,416 --> 00:04:13,517 Ach! Mein werk! 79 00:04:13,585 --> 00:04:15,220 Ahhh! 80 00:04:15,955 --> 00:04:17,789 Ah! My work! 81 00:04:17,857 --> 00:04:19,290 Ahhh! 82 00:04:20,626 --> 00:04:22,060 Eh? 83 00:04:22,128 --> 00:04:23,762 Maybe some of you recognize me. 84 00:04:23,829 --> 00:04:26,430 My show is dubbed into 11 different languages. 85 00:04:26,498 --> 00:04:29,000 In Mexico, your behavior frightens us. 86 00:04:29,068 --> 00:04:30,568 So, the station runs a disclaimer 87 00:04:30,636 --> 00:04:32,804 that you have escaped from a mental hospital. 88 00:04:32,872 --> 00:04:33,938 In my country, 89 00:04:34,006 --> 00:04:35,907 you bear a strange resemblance to bumbar, 90 00:04:35,975 --> 00:04:37,642 the God of flatulence. 91 00:04:37,709 --> 00:04:39,911 Yes, it's a great job. 92 00:04:39,979 --> 00:04:42,313 I get to eat popcorn all day and watch movies. 93 00:04:42,381 --> 00:04:44,315 And with all the free stuff the studios send me, 94 00:04:44,383 --> 00:04:47,152 I never have to buy clothes. 95 00:04:47,219 --> 00:04:49,788 And I get to think of fun new ways to criticize things. 96 00:04:49,855 --> 00:04:51,522 For instance, you might say 97 00:04:51,590 --> 00:04:53,892 your teacher's wearing an ugly red dress. 98 00:04:53,959 --> 00:04:56,895 I'd say, "she's a walking blood clot." 99 00:04:56,962 --> 00:04:58,529 [All laughing] 100 00:04:59,598 --> 00:05:00,598 Hmm. 101 00:05:02,501 --> 00:05:04,269 [Children chattering] 102 00:05:05,838 --> 00:05:08,739 You know something? You were the best dad there. 103 00:05:08,808 --> 00:05:12,043 Oh, please, son, it wasn't a competition. 104 00:05:12,111 --> 00:05:14,745 Well, hello, loser. 105 00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:15,947 [Snickering] 106 00:05:18,851 --> 00:05:19,984 Oops. 107 00:05:24,056 --> 00:05:25,589 Madre de dios! 108 00:05:25,657 --> 00:05:27,458 Here are your glasses. 109 00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:32,831 Oh. 110 00:05:37,402 --> 00:05:38,736 I think she likes you. 111 00:05:38,804 --> 00:05:39,804 How can you tell? 112 00:05:39,872 --> 00:05:41,806 Son, if there's one thing I know, 113 00:05:41,874 --> 00:05:42,974 it's how to read a woman. 114 00:05:43,042 --> 00:05:44,042 For example, 115 00:05:44,109 --> 00:05:46,845 that woman there thinks I'm disgusting, 116 00:05:46,912 --> 00:05:49,347 and that woman thinks I'm bigfoot. 117 00:05:49,414 --> 00:05:52,650 And that woman is wondering if she should call the cops 118 00:05:52,718 --> 00:05:54,452 to have me thrown out of the school. 119 00:05:55,754 --> 00:05:57,288 I don't think it's a man. 120 00:05:57,356 --> 00:06:00,058 I think it's a bear that likes key lime pie. 121 00:06:00,125 --> 00:06:01,559 Well, we don't have much time, son, 122 00:06:01,626 --> 00:06:02,894 you better ask that girl out. 123 00:06:03,929 --> 00:06:05,730 [Sighing] 124 00:06:05,797 --> 00:06:08,099 Uh, how do you like America? 125 00:06:08,167 --> 00:06:10,301 My grandfather says your country will, one day, 126 00:06:10,369 --> 00:06:13,238 choke on the vomit of your capitalist excess. 127 00:06:13,305 --> 00:06:14,505 Uh... 128 00:06:14,573 --> 00:06:16,407 I once choked on a scented candle, 129 00:06:16,475 --> 00:06:18,476 and I got my nose caught in a mousetrap. 130 00:06:18,543 --> 00:06:20,511 It was the worst birthday I ever had. 131 00:06:20,579 --> 00:06:22,180 The negotiations have failed. 132 00:06:22,248 --> 00:06:23,781 The Libyan kids refuse 133 00:06:23,849 --> 00:06:26,251 to trade their hummus for our tsimmes. 134 00:06:26,385 --> 00:06:28,286 Release the falafels! 135 00:06:28,354 --> 00:06:30,421 [Children yelling] 136 00:06:31,656 --> 00:06:33,591 International food fight! 137 00:06:39,298 --> 00:06:41,599 Jacques, more pate de foie gras? 138 00:06:41,666 --> 00:06:42,800 We surrender. 139 00:06:45,104 --> 00:06:47,038 Oh, no! Incoming sausage. 140 00:06:47,106 --> 00:06:48,139 [Gulping] 141 00:06:48,207 --> 00:06:49,640 That was amazing. 142 00:06:49,708 --> 00:06:51,475 I practice that with my dad. 143 00:06:51,543 --> 00:06:53,044 Now follow me, we'll be safe 144 00:06:53,112 --> 00:06:54,312 once we reach the Swiss table. 145 00:06:56,015 --> 00:06:58,383 You are very brave. My name is Carmen. 146 00:06:59,584 --> 00:07:01,619 ♪ Give me your French fries 147 00:07:01,686 --> 00:07:03,521 ♪ give me your pot pies 148 00:07:03,588 --> 00:07:05,924 ♪ I'll give your large thighs ♪ 149 00:07:05,991 --> 00:07:07,558 ♪ soft serve ice cream 150 00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:12,030 mmm, delicious! 151 00:07:12,097 --> 00:07:14,532 Dad, dad! I got a date. 152 00:07:14,599 --> 00:07:16,334 Ah, that's great. 153 00:07:16,402 --> 00:07:18,803 Sir, some kids are trapped under a side of beef. 154 00:07:18,870 --> 00:07:20,805 Just call me the jaws of life. 155 00:07:27,212 --> 00:07:29,513 Dad, were you nervous on your first date? 156 00:07:29,581 --> 00:07:32,016 Was I? I thought I was gonna die. 157 00:07:33,652 --> 00:07:35,586 ♪[Disco music playing] 158 00:07:36,455 --> 00:07:38,389 Do the hus... uh-oh. 159 00:07:38,457 --> 00:07:39,657 Are you ok? 160 00:07:39,724 --> 00:07:42,660 Not to worry. It's just gas. 161 00:07:42,727 --> 00:07:44,662 [Siren wailing] 162 00:07:44,729 --> 00:07:46,331 You have kidney stones. 163 00:07:46,398 --> 00:07:48,899 Most unusual in a 16-year-old boy. 164 00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:50,501 Hear that, Sally? 165 00:07:50,569 --> 00:07:52,337 I'm very mature. 166 00:07:52,404 --> 00:07:53,771 Mmm-hmm. 167 00:07:53,839 --> 00:07:55,173 [Laughing] 168 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:57,741 My, my! I was such a nerd back then. 169 00:07:59,311 --> 00:08:00,411 [Squealing] 170 00:08:05,917 --> 00:08:07,051 [Irish accent] You hooligans! 171 00:08:07,119 --> 00:08:09,988 This window cost $753 million. 172 00:08:10,856 --> 00:08:12,256 [Dog whining] 173 00:08:14,526 --> 00:08:16,560 (Jay) Now, son, don't worry about this date. 174 00:08:16,628 --> 00:08:19,063 If you get in trouble, I'll feed you lines. 175 00:08:19,131 --> 00:08:20,598 You know what to say to a girl? 176 00:08:20,665 --> 00:08:22,066 I certainly do. 177 00:08:22,134 --> 00:08:23,334 [Knocking on door] 178 00:08:24,569 --> 00:08:27,438 My shower is broken. May I use yours? 179 00:08:27,506 --> 00:08:28,772 Wa... 180 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:29,874 Wa... 181 00:08:30,742 --> 00:08:32,043 Water. 182 00:08:32,111 --> 00:08:34,379 Chicks love it when you babble. 183 00:08:34,446 --> 00:08:35,813 Now son, one last thing 184 00:08:35,881 --> 00:08:37,581 I want to tell you about women. 185 00:08:37,649 --> 00:08:39,050 They're different from us. 186 00:08:39,118 --> 00:08:42,053 They're soft and curvy and... 187 00:08:42,121 --> 00:08:43,921 Well, maybe they're not that different, 188 00:08:43,989 --> 00:08:46,657 except in this one way: They can smell fear. 189 00:08:46,725 --> 00:08:48,159 Once they've got their claws in you, 190 00:08:48,227 --> 00:08:50,761 there is no end to the horrors they can inflict. 191 00:08:50,829 --> 00:08:52,096 I'm scared, son. 192 00:08:52,164 --> 00:08:53,931 Let's just stay home and watch a video. 193 00:08:53,999 --> 00:08:56,634 Don't leave your papa! Don't leave your papa! 194 00:08:56,701 --> 00:08:58,236 It's ok, dad. 195 00:08:59,438 --> 00:09:01,272 ♪[Cuban music playing] 196 00:09:03,108 --> 00:09:04,175 [Doorbell ringing] 197 00:09:06,678 --> 00:09:08,112 Hi, Carmen. 198 00:09:08,180 --> 00:09:09,347 Hi. 199 00:09:09,415 --> 00:09:10,714 Miguel Garcia. 200 00:09:10,782 --> 00:09:12,616 Have a cigar, Cuba's finest. 201 00:09:12,684 --> 00:09:15,520 Jay sherman. Have a star trek vii pencil, 202 00:09:15,587 --> 00:09:17,021 nimoy's lamest. 203 00:09:17,089 --> 00:09:18,256 Now don't worry, 204 00:09:18,323 --> 00:09:19,924 we'll take good care of your daughter. 205 00:09:19,991 --> 00:09:22,093 I am not worried. We have trained her well. 206 00:09:22,161 --> 00:09:23,794 She can disable a 200-pound man 207 00:09:23,862 --> 00:09:25,530 using only a q-tip. 208 00:09:25,597 --> 00:09:28,533 Well, I can sink a $50 million musical 209 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:30,568 using only the word "crap." 210 00:09:34,673 --> 00:09:37,741 (Jay) Hello, vlada. My usual table. 211 00:09:37,809 --> 00:09:40,044 Certainly, Mr. sherman. 212 00:09:40,112 --> 00:09:43,013 But, first, I must remove these street urchins 213 00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:44,148 that followed you in. 214 00:09:44,216 --> 00:09:45,616 Go away. Shoo. 215 00:09:45,684 --> 00:09:47,618 [Mumbling in russian] 216 00:09:47,686 --> 00:09:49,753 No, no. They're with me. 217 00:09:49,821 --> 00:09:51,289 I see. 218 00:09:51,356 --> 00:09:53,591 [Laughing] You realize we never have children 219 00:09:53,658 --> 00:09:55,226 in this restaurant before, 220 00:09:55,294 --> 00:09:57,528 except, of course, in the kitchen. 221 00:09:57,596 --> 00:09:59,763 [Machine grinding] 222 00:10:04,369 --> 00:10:06,003 Hello, Jay. G'day, Marty. 223 00:10:06,071 --> 00:10:08,072 Ah, you're turning into quite the heartbreaker. 224 00:10:08,140 --> 00:10:09,006 Just like, uh... 225 00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:11,075 Your mother. 226 00:10:11,143 --> 00:10:12,310 Oh. 227 00:10:12,377 --> 00:10:13,478 Who's your lovely lady friend? 228 00:10:13,545 --> 00:10:15,646 This is Carmen. She's from Cuba. 229 00:10:15,714 --> 00:10:16,714 Oh, Cuba? 230 00:10:16,781 --> 00:10:18,015 Then you must have seen me 231 00:10:18,083 --> 00:10:20,050 in g'day in the life of che Guevara, 232 00:10:20,119 --> 00:10:22,453 onward, my bloody amigos! 233 00:10:22,521 --> 00:10:24,255 We're taking havana! 234 00:10:29,561 --> 00:10:31,629 And guess who they got to play Evita peron? 235 00:10:31,696 --> 00:10:32,696 That's right. 236 00:10:32,764 --> 00:10:35,433 Mrs. doubtfire herself, Robin Williams. 237 00:10:35,501 --> 00:10:39,069 [Impersonating Robin williams] Oh, fantastic, wonderful. 238 00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:42,206 At last, I've climbed out of my ivory tower. 239 00:10:42,274 --> 00:10:44,509 I get to see a movie with the common man. 240 00:10:44,576 --> 00:10:46,710 Are you that loudmouth from channel 67? 241 00:10:46,778 --> 00:10:47,778 Indeed, I am. 242 00:10:48,580 --> 00:10:49,680 Ow. 243 00:10:49,748 --> 00:10:51,882 Dad, are any of these movies good? 244 00:10:51,950 --> 00:10:53,684 Son, don't you listen to my reviews? 245 00:10:53,752 --> 00:10:56,487 These movies are recycled Hollywood trash. 246 00:10:58,857 --> 00:11:00,124 It stinks. 247 00:11:02,261 --> 00:11:03,827 It stinks! 248 00:11:03,895 --> 00:11:05,163 Dad, what about this one? 249 00:11:05,230 --> 00:11:06,330 A foreign film! 250 00:11:06,398 --> 00:11:08,065 Oh, the evening is saved. 251 00:11:08,133 --> 00:11:09,634 ♪ I like French films 252 00:11:09,701 --> 00:11:11,669 ♪ pretentious, boring French films ♪ 253 00:11:11,736 --> 00:11:13,604 ♪ I like French films 254 00:11:13,672 --> 00:11:15,906 ♪ 3 tickets, s'il vous plait ♪ 255 00:11:16,608 --> 00:11:18,576 ow. 256 00:11:18,644 --> 00:11:22,346 Uh, I've got to tell you, I'm a little nervous. 257 00:11:22,414 --> 00:11:23,447 Me, too. 258 00:11:23,515 --> 00:11:25,349 Want to see a trick? 259 00:11:25,417 --> 00:11:26,917 [Squeaking] 260 00:11:26,985 --> 00:11:28,886 [Giggling] Where did you learn that? 261 00:11:28,953 --> 00:11:30,488 From my dad. 262 00:11:30,556 --> 00:11:33,624 ♪[Playing hava nagila] 263 00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:47,605 (Male announcer #1) The following preview has been rated p.C. 264 00:11:47,673 --> 00:11:49,707 For politically correct. 265 00:11:49,774 --> 00:11:53,744 (Narrator) Spike Lee's newest, most controversial film. 266 00:11:53,812 --> 00:11:57,147 F, the story of Malcolm Forbes. 267 00:11:57,216 --> 00:11:59,550 Plymouth rock didn't land on us, 268 00:11:59,618 --> 00:12:01,852 we landed on Plymouth rock. 269 00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:03,153 Boola, boola! 270 00:12:08,193 --> 00:12:09,126 [Projector whirring] 271 00:12:10,462 --> 00:12:11,495 [Screaming] 272 00:12:12,197 --> 00:12:13,297 Daddy? 273 00:12:14,799 --> 00:12:16,334 Where are you, daddy? 274 00:12:20,572 --> 00:12:22,773 Kids, it's not just a sweet movie. 275 00:12:22,841 --> 00:12:24,709 It also teaches a valuable lesson. 276 00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:29,813 Hotchie motchie! 277 00:12:32,417 --> 00:12:33,517 [Gasps] 278 00:12:34,653 --> 00:12:35,886 One more step, 279 00:12:35,954 --> 00:12:39,089 and the red balloon becomes the dead balloon. 280 00:12:39,157 --> 00:12:40,090 [Loading] 281 00:12:43,161 --> 00:12:45,195 I could not have foreseen that. 282 00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:46,564 [Jay groaning] 283 00:12:48,032 --> 00:12:49,267 [Machines beeping] 284 00:12:49,334 --> 00:12:50,401 We can't afford to have 285 00:12:50,469 --> 00:12:52,370 that balloon fall into the wrong hands. 286 00:12:52,437 --> 00:12:54,705 I don't know who's full of more hot air, general, 287 00:12:54,773 --> 00:12:56,407 that balloon, or you. 288 00:12:56,475 --> 00:12:57,475 Ah, that's ridiculous! 289 00:12:57,542 --> 00:12:58,776 [Mumbling] 290 00:12:58,843 --> 00:13:00,077 [Yawning] 291 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,447 Son, you're losing her. Repeat after me: 292 00:13:03,515 --> 00:13:04,548 I really like you. 293 00:13:04,616 --> 00:13:06,049 "I really like you." 294 00:13:06,117 --> 00:13:07,451 You're not like the other girls. 295 00:13:07,519 --> 00:13:09,153 "You're not like the other girls." 296 00:13:09,220 --> 00:13:12,122 You can see beneath these layers of bitterness and self-loathing 297 00:13:12,190 --> 00:13:13,957 to my proverbial achy breaky heart. 298 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:16,026 Huh? 299 00:13:17,061 --> 00:13:18,095 Ow. 300 00:13:18,163 --> 00:13:20,331 I want to go home now. 301 00:13:20,399 --> 00:13:21,365 [Gun cocking] 302 00:13:21,433 --> 00:13:22,733 I'll take those keys. 303 00:13:22,801 --> 00:13:23,967 You idiot. 304 00:13:24,035 --> 00:13:25,836 What good are the keys without the car? 305 00:13:25,904 --> 00:13:27,004 Oh. 306 00:13:27,071 --> 00:13:28,706 [Tires screeching] 307 00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:33,277 Good night. 308 00:13:37,949 --> 00:13:39,917 What a lousy date. 309 00:13:39,984 --> 00:13:41,552 Carmen must hate me. 310 00:13:41,620 --> 00:13:42,820 Listen, son, 311 00:13:42,887 --> 00:13:44,121 women don't always go for the guy 312 00:13:44,189 --> 00:13:46,223 with the best body or the nicest smile. 313 00:13:46,291 --> 00:13:47,391 Oh, dirk, 314 00:13:47,459 --> 00:13:50,394 you have such beautiful pecs and teeth. 315 00:13:50,462 --> 00:13:53,297 Oh, will you shut up? 316 00:13:53,365 --> 00:13:56,867 Son, what women admire most in a man is persistence. 317 00:13:56,935 --> 00:13:59,102 No matter what, don't give up. 318 00:13:59,170 --> 00:14:00,304 What should I do? 319 00:14:00,372 --> 00:14:01,706 Get her a special gift, 320 00:14:01,773 --> 00:14:05,476 something she really needs but doesn't know she needs. 321 00:14:05,544 --> 00:14:06,544 Hmm. 322 00:14:08,413 --> 00:14:10,013 Weather stripping! 323 00:14:10,081 --> 00:14:12,249 And I've been losing 40 percent of my heat 324 00:14:12,317 --> 00:14:14,552 through corner seals and molding. 325 00:14:14,619 --> 00:14:17,020 Come here, you practical boy. 326 00:14:18,189 --> 00:14:19,156 That's it! 327 00:14:19,224 --> 00:14:20,157 Thanks, dad. 328 00:14:25,129 --> 00:14:26,129 Huh? 329 00:14:26,865 --> 00:14:27,765 Oh. 330 00:14:28,900 --> 00:14:30,334 Where's Carmen going? 331 00:14:30,402 --> 00:14:32,803 Back to Cuba to live with her grandfather. 332 00:14:32,871 --> 00:14:35,573 Oh, it's because of me, isn't it? 333 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:37,274 No, it's not. 334 00:14:37,342 --> 00:14:38,843 Yes, it is! 335 00:14:38,910 --> 00:14:40,444 You're right. It is you. 336 00:14:40,512 --> 00:14:42,513 We were just trying to be diplomatic. 337 00:14:42,581 --> 00:14:43,681 We are diplomats. 338 00:14:45,083 --> 00:14:46,216 [Tires screeching] 339 00:14:53,342 --> 00:14:54,575 [Sighs] 340 00:14:56,478 --> 00:14:58,145 Don't give up. 341 00:14:58,213 --> 00:14:59,980 Don't give up. 342 00:15:00,048 --> 00:15:01,649 Don't give up. 343 00:15:01,717 --> 00:15:02,817 Whoa! 344 00:15:03,685 --> 00:15:04,852 [Balloon deflating] 345 00:15:06,221 --> 00:15:07,555 Look out! 346 00:15:07,622 --> 00:15:09,623 Ow. Ow. 347 00:15:09,691 --> 00:15:11,625 Watch the high heels, lady. 348 00:15:11,693 --> 00:15:12,960 Oh, no! 349 00:15:13,027 --> 00:15:14,595 It's the Dutch clog dancing team! 350 00:15:14,663 --> 00:15:16,731 [Clomping] 351 00:15:28,744 --> 00:15:30,578 (Marty) Ouch! My kidney. 352 00:15:39,654 --> 00:15:40,954 ♪[Playing soulfully] 353 00:15:45,126 --> 00:15:46,093 [Screeching] 354 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:47,528 [All grumbling] 355 00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:52,533 [Sighing] 356 00:15:57,406 --> 00:15:58,439 [Tittering] 357 00:15:58,507 --> 00:15:59,774 [Guns clicking] 358 00:15:59,841 --> 00:16:02,576 What have you done with the cello? 359 00:16:02,644 --> 00:16:04,278 Uh, well... 360 00:16:04,345 --> 00:16:05,979 ♪[Cello playing] 361 00:16:15,624 --> 00:16:17,491 Marty, what are you doing here? 362 00:16:17,559 --> 00:16:18,992 I wanted to give you this. 363 00:16:20,962 --> 00:16:22,730 It's a set of clips to keep your glasses 364 00:16:22,798 --> 00:16:24,331 from slipping down your nose. 365 00:16:27,335 --> 00:16:29,002 Muchas gracias. 366 00:16:29,070 --> 00:16:31,939 Because of your country's cruel embargo on Cuba, 367 00:16:32,006 --> 00:16:33,941 the factory that made these has shut down. 368 00:16:35,844 --> 00:16:36,844 Oh! 369 00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:40,881 Oh! 370 00:16:44,052 --> 00:16:45,519 (Pilot) Oh! 371 00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:47,521 [Pilot speaking spanish] 372 00:16:51,159 --> 00:16:54,127 Mom, dad, have you seen Marty? I... I think I've lost him. 373 00:16:54,195 --> 00:16:56,464 When was the last time you saw the boy? 374 00:16:56,531 --> 00:16:58,833 Last night, I took him on his first date. 375 00:16:58,900 --> 00:17:00,901 I remember my first date. 376 00:17:03,338 --> 00:17:05,606 ♪[Music playing] 377 00:17:16,084 --> 00:17:19,152 Your mother never looked lovelier. 378 00:17:19,220 --> 00:17:21,254 Thank you for flying with air Cuba. 379 00:17:21,322 --> 00:17:22,623 Next time your travel plans 380 00:17:22,691 --> 00:17:25,292 take you to the racist, collapsing country of America, 381 00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:26,861 we hope you'll fly with us. 382 00:17:28,830 --> 00:17:30,064 Hey, a parade! 383 00:17:30,066 --> 00:17:31,932 ♪[Band playing] 384 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:35,102 (Willard) And look, Betty, who's that knocking down Uncle Sam? 385 00:17:35,169 --> 00:17:37,938 Why, it's Cuba's own mascot, auntie-America! 386 00:17:38,006 --> 00:17:41,108 We'll be right back after this word from toilet paper, 387 00:17:41,175 --> 00:17:43,544 now in "rough" and "not-so-rough." 388 00:17:43,612 --> 00:17:45,412 I guess I'd better call the police. 389 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:47,381 Aren't you the least bit worried? 390 00:17:47,448 --> 00:17:48,883 Worry is an emotion. 391 00:17:48,950 --> 00:17:50,283 And showing emotion 392 00:17:50,351 --> 00:17:52,252 has been genetically bred out of us, 393 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:53,621 but you can rest assured 394 00:17:53,688 --> 00:17:57,591 that deep down I'm crying like a coal miner's widow. 395 00:17:57,659 --> 00:17:59,527 Sugar cookie? 396 00:17:59,594 --> 00:18:02,763 Wait! There's Marty on the t.V. 397 00:18:02,831 --> 00:18:04,331 Oh, my God! 398 00:18:04,399 --> 00:18:06,967 ♪[Band playing] 399 00:18:07,035 --> 00:18:09,670 Just reach in the t.V. And pull him out. 400 00:18:09,738 --> 00:18:12,006 That's how I met the fonz. 401 00:18:12,073 --> 00:18:14,842 You are very brave, following me to Cuba. 402 00:18:14,910 --> 00:18:16,777 Thanks. 403 00:18:16,845 --> 00:18:20,113 I... I really, really think you're nice. 404 00:18:20,181 --> 00:18:22,149 Well, I think you're nice, too. 405 00:18:25,587 --> 00:18:26,854 Kiss her, son. 406 00:18:26,922 --> 00:18:27,955 Kiss her, 407 00:18:28,023 --> 00:18:29,924 or you'll regret it the rest of your life. 408 00:18:29,991 --> 00:18:31,692 Don't grow old like me, 409 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:35,029 a fat, whiny head with 3 hairs. 410 00:18:35,096 --> 00:18:36,997 Nobody loves me, 411 00:18:37,065 --> 00:18:39,934 and this bubble is beginning to smell. 412 00:18:40,001 --> 00:18:41,869 Hello? Hello? 413 00:18:41,937 --> 00:18:43,537 Advice-giving head, here. 414 00:18:43,605 --> 00:18:44,538 [Sniffing] 415 00:18:44,606 --> 00:18:47,207 Ooh! Fried bananas! 416 00:18:47,275 --> 00:18:48,842 ♪[Video game music playing] 417 00:18:54,282 --> 00:18:55,583 I'm sorry. 418 00:18:55,650 --> 00:18:57,918 Only Mexican citizens can fly to Cuba, 419 00:18:57,986 --> 00:19:00,320 or those married to Mexican citizens. 420 00:19:00,388 --> 00:19:01,354 Then marry me now! 421 00:19:01,422 --> 00:19:02,389 Ok. 422 00:19:02,457 --> 00:19:03,523 [Whining] 423 00:19:04,993 --> 00:19:06,627 That is why the greatest actor 424 00:19:06,695 --> 00:19:10,430 of this or any other century is: Ned beatty. 425 00:19:10,498 --> 00:19:12,933 El loco del television! 426 00:19:13,001 --> 00:19:14,768 [All screaming] 427 00:19:17,105 --> 00:19:18,806 Look, there's my grandpa! 428 00:19:20,842 --> 00:19:22,843 Carmen! Stop the car. 429 00:19:24,545 --> 00:19:27,681 Carmen, you look as beautiful and strong 430 00:19:27,749 --> 00:19:30,017 as the Berlin wall in its heyday. 431 00:19:30,085 --> 00:19:31,418 Grandpa, this is Marty. 432 00:19:31,486 --> 00:19:32,987 He took me on my first date. 433 00:19:33,054 --> 00:19:34,088 [Laughing] 434 00:19:34,155 --> 00:19:36,924 I remember my first date. 435 00:19:36,992 --> 00:19:39,226 Oh, fidel, why don't you stay here in Washington? 436 00:19:39,293 --> 00:19:41,261 You could play pro ball for the senators 437 00:19:41,329 --> 00:19:43,263 while we both do volunteer work for eisenhower. 438 00:19:43,331 --> 00:19:46,033 First, let's pet. It's the '50s. 439 00:19:46,101 --> 00:19:48,301 Ow! You have got to shave! 440 00:19:48,369 --> 00:19:51,639 Never! I am proud of my Cuban whiskers. 441 00:19:51,706 --> 00:19:54,374 (J.F.K.) Hey, the, uh, lady said to leave her alone. 442 00:19:54,442 --> 00:19:56,977 Your country will regret this someday. 443 00:19:57,545 --> 00:19:58,578 [Gasps] 444 00:19:58,647 --> 00:20:00,380 [Tires squealing] 445 00:20:00,448 --> 00:20:01,849 How am I supposed to get home? 446 00:20:01,916 --> 00:20:02,883 [Tires screeching] 447 00:20:02,951 --> 00:20:04,184 I'll give you a lift. 448 00:20:04,252 --> 00:20:05,218 No. 449 00:20:05,286 --> 00:20:07,420 It's my 5:00 shadow, isn't it? 450 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:13,593 Where are you taking me? 451 00:20:13,662 --> 00:20:16,463 We set all our mental patients adrift at sea. 452 00:20:16,531 --> 00:20:18,699 [All screaming] 453 00:20:18,767 --> 00:20:20,801 Wait, that's the carnival cruise. 454 00:20:20,869 --> 00:20:22,502 These are the mental patients. 455 00:20:27,575 --> 00:20:28,642 Stop! 456 00:20:28,710 --> 00:20:30,610 You promised to marry me. 457 00:20:30,679 --> 00:20:32,245 All right, but I've got to tell you, 458 00:20:32,313 --> 00:20:34,281 I'm only marrying you to get to Cuba. 459 00:20:34,348 --> 00:20:37,084 Well, I'm only marrying you for citizenship. 460 00:20:37,152 --> 00:20:38,218 [Sniffling] 461 00:20:38,286 --> 00:20:40,554 Ah, this is the most honest, caring relationship 462 00:20:40,621 --> 00:20:42,156 I've ever been in. 463 00:20:42,223 --> 00:20:44,391 (Marty) Won't you come back to New York with me? 464 00:20:44,458 --> 00:20:47,027 Maybe someday, but my place is here in Cuba, 465 00:20:47,095 --> 00:20:48,128 with my people. 466 00:20:48,196 --> 00:20:49,362 I understand. 467 00:20:49,430 --> 00:20:50,864 My place is in New York 468 00:20:50,932 --> 00:20:53,333 but only between 30th street and central park. 469 00:20:53,401 --> 00:20:55,669 If I go beyond that, I'm dead. 470 00:20:55,737 --> 00:20:57,304 Can I kiss you goodbye? 471 00:20:57,371 --> 00:21:00,507 You're not supposed to ask. You're supposed to just do it. 472 00:21:00,575 --> 00:21:02,342 Uh, do what? 473 00:21:02,410 --> 00:21:04,544 You should spin me around in your arms, 474 00:21:04,612 --> 00:21:06,814 take me by surprise, and kiss me. 475 00:21:06,881 --> 00:21:08,982 Would it be all right if I did that now? 476 00:21:09,050 --> 00:21:09,950 No. 477 00:21:17,092 --> 00:21:18,092 Mmm. 478 00:21:22,663 --> 00:21:23,597 [Exploding] 479 00:21:26,667 --> 00:21:28,035 (Both) Wow! 480 00:21:28,103 --> 00:21:30,037 [Horn blowing] 481 00:21:31,606 --> 00:21:35,175 ♪[Wedding march playing] 482 00:21:35,243 --> 00:21:37,211 Dad, what are you doing here? 483 00:21:37,278 --> 00:21:39,847 I came to pick you up. This is your new mother. 484 00:21:39,914 --> 00:21:42,716 I plan to divorce him and take half his money. 485 00:21:42,784 --> 00:21:44,451 She's a lot like your old mother. 486 00:21:44,518 --> 00:21:47,087 Well, Carmen, I guess I better go home. 487 00:21:47,155 --> 00:21:49,456 I'll always remember our first date. 488 00:21:49,523 --> 00:21:50,724 Adios, Marty. 489 00:21:50,792 --> 00:21:51,691 Adios. 490 00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:52,726 Ooh! 491 00:21:52,794 --> 00:21:53,693 Mmm. 492 00:21:55,063 --> 00:21:56,596 I'm an old man, 493 00:21:56,664 --> 00:21:59,299 but I can still learn a thing or two. 494 00:21:59,367 --> 00:22:02,770 Children don't believe in bigotry and hatred. 495 00:22:02,837 --> 00:22:04,537 They don't divide the world 496 00:22:04,605 --> 00:22:06,874 into communist and capitalist. 497 00:22:06,941 --> 00:22:08,441 Maybe it's time I... 498 00:22:08,509 --> 00:22:11,711 hey, who died and made you El presidente? 499 00:22:11,780 --> 00:22:13,013 Dad, that's Castro. 500 00:22:13,581 --> 00:22:14,481 [Whining] 501 00:22:14,548 --> 00:22:15,849 [Laughing] 502 00:22:15,917 --> 00:22:17,017 Don't worry. 503 00:22:17,085 --> 00:22:19,920 I am not the gruff bear they say I am. 504 00:22:21,656 --> 00:22:23,523 Shoot to wound. 505 00:22:23,591 --> 00:22:26,326 [Rifles clicking] 506 00:22:26,394 --> 00:22:28,095 (Jay) Before you shoot, you should know 507 00:22:28,163 --> 00:22:30,397 I gave thumbs up to the mambo kings. 508 00:22:30,464 --> 00:22:32,032 (Soldiers) Hooray! 509 00:22:40,041 --> 00:22:40,974 [Gulping] 510 00:22:42,243 --> 00:22:43,177 [Slurping] 511 00:23:17,345 --> 00:23:19,012 (Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated. 512 00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:20,113 No celebrities were harmed 513 00:23:20,181 --> 00:23:22,382 in the filming of this episode. 514 00:23:27,121 --> 00:23:29,223 Excuse me, sir. The show's over. 515 00:23:29,290 --> 00:23:31,591 Is the snack bar still open? 516 00:23:33,527 --> 00:23:34,594 [All murmuring] 517 00:23:34,662 --> 00:23:35,595 Shh!