1 00:00:20,769 --> 00:00:22,336 [Telephone rings] 2 00:00:23,472 --> 00:00:24,506 Hello? 3 00:00:24,573 --> 00:00:26,173 (Duke) Hello, Jay. This is your boss. 4 00:00:26,241 --> 00:00:28,042 I've just obtained legal permission 5 00:00:28,110 --> 00:00:29,544 to hunt men for sport. 6 00:00:29,612 --> 00:00:32,614 And I wonder if you'd like to come to my ranch tomorrow. 7 00:00:32,681 --> 00:00:34,616 Bring your jogging shoes. 8 00:00:54,803 --> 00:00:55,837 [Ice cracking] 9 00:00:55,905 --> 00:00:57,805 [All screaming] 10 00:00:57,873 --> 00:00:59,306 [All groaning] 11 00:01:05,313 --> 00:01:06,514 [Roaring] 12 00:01:06,582 --> 00:01:07,515 [Both screaming] 13 00:01:08,851 --> 00:01:10,117 It stinks. 14 00:01:11,921 --> 00:01:12,854 [Clicks] 15 00:01:23,098 --> 00:01:25,767 (Lou gehrig) Today I consider myself 16 00:01:25,834 --> 00:01:28,836 the luckiest guy in the whole wide world. 17 00:01:28,904 --> 00:01:30,471 [Echoing] Wide world. Wide world. 18 00:01:32,675 --> 00:01:35,376 Lou, me and the boys have been working on a cure. 19 00:01:35,444 --> 00:01:37,812 We call it "Lou gehrig's oil." 20 00:01:42,417 --> 00:01:44,652 Strength returning. 21 00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:47,521 Lou gehrig's disease in remission. 22 00:01:49,992 --> 00:01:52,126 Hey, lefty, toss me a fat one. 23 00:01:54,262 --> 00:01:55,697 [Crowd roaring] 24 00:01:55,764 --> 00:01:56,965 Extra! Extra! 25 00:01:57,032 --> 00:01:59,901 Depression over! And bill cosby born! 26 00:01:59,969 --> 00:02:01,803 And thanks to you, bambino, 27 00:02:01,870 --> 00:02:04,706 I'll live to see his warm, unthreatening comedy. 28 00:02:08,143 --> 00:02:09,677 Well, that's a clip 29 00:02:09,745 --> 00:02:11,980 from the new remake of pride of the Yankees. 30 00:02:12,047 --> 00:02:13,380 The studio changed the ending 31 00:02:13,448 --> 00:02:16,684 because test audiences thought this one was nicer. 32 00:02:16,752 --> 00:02:18,252 Well, let me tell you, 33 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:19,754 life is not all happy endings, 34 00:02:19,822 --> 00:02:21,689 and you're mature enough to know the tru-- 35 00:02:21,757 --> 00:02:23,324 ♪[music playing] 36 00:02:25,861 --> 00:02:27,361 Just what do you call this? 37 00:02:27,429 --> 00:02:29,296 I had these made to lighten up your show. 38 00:02:29,364 --> 00:02:31,565 Here's my favorite. 39 00:02:31,634 --> 00:02:33,300 "We'll be right bark"? 40 00:02:34,269 --> 00:02:35,637 Jay, let me tell you something. 41 00:02:35,704 --> 00:02:39,641 Our test audiences find you cold, uncaring, and homely. 44 00:02:43,979 --> 00:02:45,212 [Skin stretching] 45 00:02:46,015 --> 00:02:47,015 Ugh! 46 00:02:48,817 --> 00:02:51,352 Son, I'm gonna do you a big favor. 47 00:02:51,419 --> 00:02:53,755 I'm giving you 5 days of my time 48 00:02:53,822 --> 00:02:54,989 to turn you around. 49 00:02:55,057 --> 00:02:56,891 Well, what if 5 days isn't enough? 50 00:02:56,959 --> 00:03:00,261 Son, I only spent 3 days with a young man named Bill Clinton, 51 00:03:00,328 --> 00:03:01,428 and look at him now. 52 00:03:01,496 --> 00:03:03,164 Maybe you should've taken 4. 53 00:03:03,231 --> 00:03:05,700 Yeah. Now, come on. We don't have a minute to lose. 54 00:03:05,768 --> 00:03:06,834 What about my show? 55 00:03:06,902 --> 00:03:09,704 Ah, we'll run some time filler. 56 00:03:09,772 --> 00:03:12,306 (Man) Today there's a new word for hope in America, 57 00:03:12,374 --> 00:03:15,276 and that word is dukakis. 58 00:03:15,343 --> 00:03:16,711 On to, uh... 59 00:03:16,779 --> 00:03:18,846 Victory in November. 60 00:03:18,914 --> 00:03:21,749 A LA Victoria en noviembre. 61 00:03:21,817 --> 00:03:24,485 This audience monitors all our shows. 62 00:03:24,553 --> 00:03:26,187 Here's what they think of you. 63 00:03:26,254 --> 00:03:29,423 And that's why I'm glad the Beatles broke up. 64 00:03:29,491 --> 00:03:30,858 [All groaning] 65 00:03:30,926 --> 00:03:32,326 [Buzzing] 66 00:03:32,394 --> 00:03:33,661 That's not so bad. 67 00:03:33,729 --> 00:03:35,663 Oh, yeah? 68 00:03:35,731 --> 00:03:37,298 [Speaking german] 69 00:03:39,267 --> 00:03:40,601 [Bell dings] 70 00:03:40,669 --> 00:03:42,103 I'm worse than Hitler? 71 00:03:42,171 --> 00:03:45,439 Ah, not worse. Just less warm and cuddly. 72 00:03:45,507 --> 00:03:47,008 Jay, test groups like this 73 00:03:47,076 --> 00:03:48,910 determine what you watch on t.V., 74 00:03:48,977 --> 00:03:50,178 what kind of car you drive, 75 00:03:50,245 --> 00:03:52,180 even who runs this country. 76 00:03:52,247 --> 00:03:55,049 Hey, man, when do I get my free cookie? 77 00:03:55,117 --> 00:03:56,884 We've got ginger snaps! 78 00:03:56,952 --> 00:03:58,285 All right! 79 00:03:58,353 --> 00:04:00,254 You know, that dude with the mustache 80 00:04:00,322 --> 00:04:01,522 is really gnarly. 81 00:04:01,590 --> 00:04:03,024 Is he in a band? 82 00:04:03,092 --> 00:04:04,558 That's Adolf Hitler! 83 00:04:04,626 --> 00:04:05,860 Don't you recognize him? 84 00:04:05,928 --> 00:04:07,061 Oh, right. 85 00:04:07,129 --> 00:04:09,030 He played the mailman on cheers. 86 00:04:09,098 --> 00:04:10,531 [Chuckles] 87 00:04:10,599 --> 00:04:11,599 [Sighs] 88 00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:15,336 [All screaming] 89 00:04:16,271 --> 00:04:17,471 [Buzzing] 90 00:04:19,775 --> 00:04:20,775 Oh! 91 00:04:20,843 --> 00:04:22,710 Why so glum, my big-bummed chum? 92 00:04:22,778 --> 00:04:24,912 Oh, why don't people like me? 93 00:04:24,980 --> 00:04:28,616 ♪ Happy 87th birthday to you ♪ 94 00:04:28,683 --> 00:04:31,786 ♪ happy 87th birthday to you ♪ 95 00:04:31,854 --> 00:04:33,087 oh, would you shut up? 96 00:04:33,155 --> 00:04:34,922 All the guy did was not die. 97 00:04:34,990 --> 00:04:36,323 [Crying] 98 00:04:36,391 --> 00:04:38,692 Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not really a bad guy. 99 00:04:38,761 --> 00:04:41,495 I probably said that because of my own fear of aging. 100 00:04:41,563 --> 00:04:43,798 It's what's in your heart that counts. 101 00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:45,867 [Thumping] 102 00:04:45,934 --> 00:04:46,834 Good arm. 103 00:04:46,902 --> 00:04:48,435 Eh, you got a big head. 104 00:04:48,503 --> 00:04:50,872 Look, mate, I wouldn't tell this to anyone else. 105 00:04:50,939 --> 00:04:52,673 People wonder why I'm so popular. 106 00:04:52,741 --> 00:04:55,109 I'm not that tall, I'm not that great an actor. 107 00:04:55,177 --> 00:04:56,911 I hate your country and it shows. 108 00:04:56,979 --> 00:04:58,512 But you know what saves me? 109 00:04:58,580 --> 00:04:59,947 It's this expression. 110 00:05:02,717 --> 00:05:03,918 How do you do that? 111 00:05:03,986 --> 00:05:05,787 My trick is to picture myself 112 00:05:05,854 --> 00:05:07,621 having drinks with a beautiful woman. 113 00:05:09,491 --> 00:05:11,192 Maybe it's the champagne talking, 114 00:05:11,260 --> 00:05:14,628 but you're the ugliest man I've ever seen in my life. 115 00:05:15,164 --> 00:05:16,130 Ow! 116 00:05:23,338 --> 00:05:25,339 You have to be more likable. 117 00:05:25,407 --> 00:05:27,775 Just picture yourself with a beautiful woman. 118 00:05:27,843 --> 00:05:31,145 I'm the son of Greek immigrants. 119 00:05:31,213 --> 00:05:33,247 [Speaking spanish] 120 00:05:34,649 --> 00:05:36,317 ♪[Humming] 121 00:05:36,384 --> 00:05:39,187 Boss, I had an idea to lighten up my image. 122 00:05:39,254 --> 00:05:40,754 A special feature: 123 00:05:40,823 --> 00:05:42,824 Films I have loved. 124 00:05:42,891 --> 00:05:46,260 Ok, but this better not be a list of arty foreign films 125 00:05:46,328 --> 00:05:48,296 that nobody gives a crap about. 126 00:05:48,363 --> 00:05:52,033 Uh, let me just revise the list a little. 127 00:05:53,501 --> 00:05:54,601 Huh... 128 00:05:55,270 --> 00:05:56,770 Citizen who? 129 00:05:56,839 --> 00:05:58,306 Kane? 130 00:05:58,373 --> 00:06:00,708 You know, I had some ideas for your show myself. 131 00:06:03,178 --> 00:06:05,947 What is this, a stuffed bear? 132 00:06:06,014 --> 00:06:08,682 Nah. The animal rights people wouldn't allow that. 133 00:06:08,750 --> 00:06:10,017 We just doped him up 134 00:06:10,085 --> 00:06:11,552 and propped him against the wall. 135 00:06:11,619 --> 00:06:13,154 [Growling] 136 00:06:13,222 --> 00:06:14,455 [Screaming] 137 00:06:14,522 --> 00:06:15,723 The whole point of this 138 00:06:15,790 --> 00:06:17,859 is to help you relax, loosen up, 139 00:06:17,926 --> 00:06:19,193 to let you be you. 140 00:06:20,295 --> 00:06:22,063 I am not wearing a toupee. 141 00:06:22,130 --> 00:06:23,164 [Screams] 142 00:06:23,232 --> 00:06:24,498 Yes, you are. 143 00:06:24,566 --> 00:06:26,533 No, I'm not! 144 00:06:26,601 --> 00:06:27,835 Ahhh! 145 00:06:27,903 --> 00:06:29,871 You know, that's very painful. 146 00:06:29,938 --> 00:06:31,205 Not to me. 147 00:06:32,941 --> 00:06:36,277 Well, at least you got rid of that stupid shermometer. 148 00:06:36,345 --> 00:06:38,212 That thing was an abomination. 149 00:06:40,883 --> 00:06:42,283 Have you no shame? 150 00:06:42,351 --> 00:06:44,218 Get out of here! 151 00:06:44,286 --> 00:06:47,288 But it's the part I was born for. 152 00:06:47,356 --> 00:06:49,490 Tell you what, Jay, no more gimmicks. 153 00:06:49,557 --> 00:06:51,492 But I do think people would like to see you 154 00:06:51,559 --> 00:06:53,294 on air with your son. 155 00:06:53,362 --> 00:06:55,162 Oh? Well, I'm sure it would be a thrill for him. 156 00:06:55,230 --> 00:06:56,230 [Screams] 157 00:06:56,298 --> 00:06:57,798 You're not just my daddy. 158 00:06:57,866 --> 00:06:59,533 You're my bestest fwend. 159 00:06:59,601 --> 00:07:01,068 Who the hell is this? 160 00:07:01,136 --> 00:07:02,970 This is Billy. He's a child actor. 161 00:07:03,038 --> 00:07:05,907 Test audiences find me iwwesistible. 162 00:07:05,974 --> 00:07:09,643 Well, I find you wepulsive and wepugnant. 163 00:07:09,711 --> 00:07:12,446 Hey, that speech impediment shtick is copyrighted. 164 00:07:12,514 --> 00:07:14,515 You'll be hearing from my lawyers. 165 00:07:14,582 --> 00:07:16,583 I mean wawyers. 166 00:07:16,651 --> 00:07:19,220 Jay, we need something to take the edge off of you. 167 00:07:19,288 --> 00:07:22,423 Hmm, how about a sassy black kid? 168 00:07:22,490 --> 00:07:24,458 He could call you Uncle Jay, 169 00:07:24,526 --> 00:07:27,561 and you could call him, uh, little shabazz. 170 00:07:27,629 --> 00:07:29,863 Ah, I'm sorry, boss. 171 00:07:29,932 --> 00:07:32,466 It's clear you've worked long and hard 172 00:07:32,534 --> 00:07:36,437 to come up with these mind-bogglingly stupid ideas! 173 00:07:36,504 --> 00:07:39,307 I mean, I might even go for them, 174 00:07:39,374 --> 00:07:41,342 if I had the brains of an ice cube, 175 00:07:41,410 --> 00:07:44,812 and the self-esteem of a worm! 176 00:07:44,879 --> 00:07:46,347 Uh, no offense. 177 00:07:46,415 --> 00:07:48,482 You got 3 days left, pee wee. 178 00:07:50,052 --> 00:07:53,321 And that is why Goldie hawn should be shot. 179 00:07:53,388 --> 00:07:56,057 And now we introduce a new feature of the show, 180 00:07:56,124 --> 00:07:57,724 which makes me want to retch, 181 00:07:57,792 --> 00:07:59,493 our Turkey of the week. 182 00:08:03,398 --> 00:08:04,432 Ow! 183 00:08:04,499 --> 00:08:06,600 You hormone-fed buzzard! 184 00:08:06,668 --> 00:08:08,735 [Turkey gobbling] 185 00:08:08,803 --> 00:08:09,971 I like it. 186 00:08:10,038 --> 00:08:12,106 They've got kind of a siskel-and-ebert thing going. 187 00:08:12,174 --> 00:08:13,140 Gotcha! 188 00:08:13,208 --> 00:08:14,241 [Growls] 189 00:08:14,309 --> 00:08:15,476 [Screaming] 190 00:08:15,543 --> 00:08:16,978 [Bear growling] 191 00:08:17,045 --> 00:08:18,346 [Jay screaming] 192 00:08:18,413 --> 00:08:19,713 [Turkey gobbling] 193 00:08:19,781 --> 00:08:20,848 [Bear growling] 194 00:08:20,915 --> 00:08:22,216 [Jay screaming] 195 00:08:25,354 --> 00:08:27,955 You know, I really enjoyed your show today. 196 00:08:28,023 --> 00:08:29,323 [Laughs] 197 00:08:29,391 --> 00:08:30,491 Shut up! 198 00:08:30,558 --> 00:08:32,059 Jay, I just thought you should know 199 00:08:32,127 --> 00:08:34,095 the bear feels terrible about what happened. 200 00:08:34,162 --> 00:08:36,163 He hopes he can still be a part of your show. 201 00:08:36,231 --> 00:08:37,531 Oh, come on. 202 00:08:37,599 --> 00:08:38,832 Just look at him. 203 00:08:42,104 --> 00:08:44,872 Please, he wants to do a little dance for you. 204 00:08:46,774 --> 00:08:48,842 ♪[Playing beer barrel polka] 205 00:08:52,981 --> 00:08:54,715 Your act's like your fur, 206 00:08:54,782 --> 00:08:56,150 it stinks! 207 00:08:56,218 --> 00:08:57,251 [Growling] 208 00:08:57,319 --> 00:08:58,619 (Trainer) Come, Sasha. 209 00:08:58,686 --> 00:09:00,187 Last time you ate a critic, 210 00:09:00,255 --> 00:09:03,257 you spent 2 weeks sitting on the can. 211 00:09:03,325 --> 00:09:05,259 Maybe we're going about this the wrong way. 212 00:09:05,327 --> 00:09:07,228 Jay, how do you get along with your mother? 213 00:09:07,295 --> 00:09:08,329 Mmm... 214 00:09:09,631 --> 00:09:10,964 Now, Stephanie, 215 00:09:11,033 --> 00:09:13,800 would you like to make out? 216 00:09:13,868 --> 00:09:16,337 Oh, Jay, what are you doing 217 00:09:16,405 --> 00:09:19,507 without your acne cream, night brace, and eye patch? 218 00:09:21,276 --> 00:09:24,445 Now, how about a kiss? 219 00:09:24,513 --> 00:09:25,879 Ugh! 220 00:09:25,947 --> 00:09:28,482 We have a better than average relationship. Why? 221 00:09:28,550 --> 00:09:30,817 Geraldo Rivera's doing a special: 222 00:09:30,885 --> 00:09:32,286 Celebrities and their moms. 223 00:09:32,354 --> 00:09:33,554 I think you should do it. 224 00:09:33,621 --> 00:09:34,955 I don't know. 225 00:09:35,023 --> 00:09:37,791 Come on, gay celebrities love to be seen with their mothers. 226 00:09:37,859 --> 00:09:39,160 Remember liberace? 227 00:09:39,227 --> 00:09:40,428 I'm not gay. 228 00:09:40,495 --> 00:09:43,364 Whoa, tiger, save it for the special. 229 00:09:43,432 --> 00:09:44,665 I'm not. 230 00:09:44,732 --> 00:09:46,633 Ok. 231 00:09:46,701 --> 00:09:48,235 You don't think I'm gay, do you? 232 00:09:48,303 --> 00:09:50,804 No man in his right mind would sleep with you. 233 00:09:50,872 --> 00:09:52,373 Thank you. 234 00:09:52,441 --> 00:09:55,176 Mom, I wouldn't come to you like this, but I need a favor. 235 00:09:55,243 --> 00:09:57,211 Would you please come on t.V. With me? 236 00:09:57,279 --> 00:09:59,646 Son, I have no intention 237 00:09:59,714 --> 00:10:01,748 of prancing around on the idiot box 238 00:10:01,816 --> 00:10:04,751 like some latter-day Al jolson. 239 00:10:04,819 --> 00:10:06,520 [Imitating jolson] Please, mammy. 240 00:10:06,588 --> 00:10:08,155 Do it for your Sonny boy. 241 00:10:08,223 --> 00:10:10,791 Pappy, talk to mammy. 242 00:10:10,858 --> 00:10:13,561 I'm not wearing pants. I split my pants, 243 00:10:13,628 --> 00:10:15,262 and now I'm not wearing pants. 244 00:10:17,232 --> 00:10:19,166 I'm in trouble here, I really am. 245 00:10:19,234 --> 00:10:21,202 Can't you come on t.V. For 5 minutes 246 00:10:21,269 --> 00:10:23,471 and just say that you love me? 247 00:10:23,538 --> 00:10:25,606 Sure. And you know something? 248 00:10:25,673 --> 00:10:27,874 It's not that far from the truth. 249 00:10:27,942 --> 00:10:31,712 Son loves mother, sweet romance, 250 00:10:31,779 --> 00:10:35,082 poor old father has no pants. 251 00:10:37,752 --> 00:10:40,654 So, Geraldo, you're doing an expose 252 00:10:40,722 --> 00:10:42,456 of the sherman family, are you? 253 00:10:42,524 --> 00:10:43,757 No, not really. 254 00:10:43,825 --> 00:10:46,460 Well, I'll let you in on a little secret. 255 00:10:46,528 --> 00:10:48,329 They have a hideous child 256 00:10:48,396 --> 00:10:50,397 they keep locked up in a little room. 257 00:10:50,465 --> 00:10:52,799 There he be. 258 00:10:52,867 --> 00:10:54,502 That's a sack of potatoes. 259 00:10:54,569 --> 00:10:56,237 But he's wearing a little t-shirt 260 00:10:56,304 --> 00:10:58,239 with his name on it: Ap. 261 00:10:59,574 --> 00:11:01,242 That's "a & p." 262 00:11:01,309 --> 00:11:02,510 Curse ye, Geraldo, 263 00:11:02,577 --> 00:11:04,545 and your journalistic integrity! 264 00:11:05,547 --> 00:11:07,548 Your skin is so smooth. 265 00:11:07,616 --> 00:11:09,216 What's your secret? 266 00:11:09,284 --> 00:11:11,585 I scrub my face vigorously 267 00:11:11,653 --> 00:11:13,354 with a steel wool pad. 268 00:11:13,421 --> 00:11:18,225 Then I stick my face in boiling water for 2 minutes exactly. 269 00:11:18,293 --> 00:11:19,193 Really? 270 00:11:19,261 --> 00:11:20,661 Then I take the broth, 271 00:11:20,728 --> 00:11:22,196 add carrots and seasonings, 272 00:11:22,264 --> 00:11:24,198 and serve it to the boys in the boathouse. 273 00:11:25,099 --> 00:11:26,467 Hag-face soup. 274 00:11:26,535 --> 00:11:28,001 Arr. 275 00:11:28,069 --> 00:11:30,137 Geraldo, this is my father, Franklin. 276 00:11:30,205 --> 00:11:32,506 I've prepared a list of softball questions 277 00:11:32,574 --> 00:11:34,208 you can lob at him. 278 00:11:34,276 --> 00:11:36,243 Franklin, my name is Geraldo. 279 00:11:36,311 --> 00:11:37,844 Can you say Geraldo? 280 00:11:37,912 --> 00:11:38,912 Raldo. 281 00:11:38,980 --> 00:11:40,914 Good. You mind if we talk? 282 00:11:40,982 --> 00:11:43,384 The time for talk is past. 283 00:11:43,451 --> 00:11:45,686 Now is the time for action. 284 00:11:48,823 --> 00:11:51,692 I hear you can say your name backwards. Is that true? 285 00:11:51,759 --> 00:11:53,294 Nilknarf. 286 00:11:53,361 --> 00:11:54,795 What's your favorite food 287 00:11:54,862 --> 00:11:56,297 in the whole wide world? 288 00:11:56,364 --> 00:11:57,565 Nilknarf. 289 00:12:01,403 --> 00:12:02,869 Good evening. I'm Geraldo Rivera. 290 00:12:02,937 --> 00:12:05,639 Tonight we'll be talking to 3 very different celebrities 291 00:12:05,707 --> 00:12:07,074 and their mothers. 292 00:12:07,141 --> 00:12:09,109 It was a difficult delivery. 293 00:12:09,177 --> 00:12:12,313 I was in labor for 2-and-a-half weeks. 294 00:12:12,380 --> 00:12:14,348 No pain, no gain. 295 00:12:14,416 --> 00:12:17,050 We think he may have been switched at birth. 296 00:12:17,118 --> 00:12:18,285 But who cares? 297 00:12:18,353 --> 00:12:20,454 He makes $15 million a year. 298 00:12:21,856 --> 00:12:24,525 Uh, I'm late for my shift at McDonald's. 299 00:12:24,593 --> 00:12:26,860 But first we'll be talking to film critic, Jay sherman 300 00:12:26,928 --> 00:12:28,995 and his mother, Eleanor. 301 00:12:29,063 --> 00:12:31,498 Jay, I'd like to start by asking about a few rumors 302 00:12:31,566 --> 00:12:33,601 that have dogged you your whole career. 303 00:12:33,668 --> 00:12:37,070 First of all, it's been said that you talk over the heads of your audience. 304 00:12:37,138 --> 00:12:38,572 Well, Geraldo, 305 00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:42,343 to quote the last line of gargantua and pantagruel, 306 00:12:42,410 --> 00:12:44,144 "honni soit qui mal y pense." 307 00:12:44,212 --> 00:12:45,979 Ugh! They curb violence, 308 00:12:46,047 --> 00:12:47,481 but they allow this. 309 00:12:47,549 --> 00:12:48,749 [Static buzz] 310 00:12:48,816 --> 00:12:49,883 D'oh! 311 00:12:49,951 --> 00:12:51,051 Ay, caramba! 312 00:12:51,119 --> 00:12:52,553 [All laughing] 313 00:12:52,621 --> 00:12:55,021 Now, this I understand. 314 00:12:55,089 --> 00:12:57,124 Number 2, how can I put this? 315 00:12:57,191 --> 00:13:01,061 There's no question that you've gotten fatter since your show began. 316 00:13:01,129 --> 00:13:04,231 Geraldo, I suffer from a rare disorder 317 00:13:04,299 --> 00:13:06,567 that causes patches of fat 318 00:13:06,635 --> 00:13:08,435 to spring up all over my body. 319 00:13:08,503 --> 00:13:10,837 It forces me to eat fatty snack foods 320 00:13:10,905 --> 00:13:12,740 to even these patches out. 321 00:13:12,807 --> 00:13:14,575 The disease is called... 322 00:13:14,643 --> 00:13:15,909 Vitilardo. 323 00:13:15,977 --> 00:13:18,078 My doctor will back me up on this. 324 00:13:18,146 --> 00:13:19,012 Liar. 325 00:13:20,081 --> 00:13:22,383 This is the day we went to the orphanage 326 00:13:22,450 --> 00:13:24,184 to pick out a son. 327 00:13:29,391 --> 00:13:31,224 Eh, eh. 328 00:13:31,293 --> 00:13:34,561 We picked Jay because we thought he was a monkey. 329 00:13:34,629 --> 00:13:36,697 His original name was Mr. bip. 330 00:13:38,032 --> 00:13:41,535 And this is Jay trying out for the track team. 331 00:13:42,671 --> 00:13:45,839 That's not slow motion. 332 00:13:45,907 --> 00:13:48,309 I can still see it when I shut my eyes. 333 00:13:48,376 --> 00:13:51,412 You're not supposed to look directly at it. 334 00:13:51,479 --> 00:13:54,181 This is the original shermometer. 335 00:13:54,248 --> 00:13:56,417 Jay loved for me to use it, 336 00:13:56,484 --> 00:13:58,185 even when he wasn't sick. 337 00:13:58,252 --> 00:14:00,187 Oh, come on, please. 338 00:14:00,254 --> 00:14:02,556 He'd shake his little Fanny 339 00:14:02,624 --> 00:14:04,758 and say, "take my temperature, mommy. 340 00:14:04,826 --> 00:14:06,327 Take my temperature." 341 00:14:06,394 --> 00:14:07,894 Oh, God. 342 00:14:07,962 --> 00:14:10,197 And there's an interesting story 343 00:14:10,264 --> 00:14:12,232 behind this prom photo. 344 00:14:14,068 --> 00:14:16,937 Mother, you've been belittling me my whole life, 345 00:14:17,004 --> 00:14:18,939 and now I've got to say it. 346 00:14:19,006 --> 00:14:19,973 Shut up! 347 00:14:20,041 --> 00:14:23,444 Shut up, shut up, shut up! 348 00:14:23,511 --> 00:14:24,712 [Sobbing] 349 00:14:27,949 --> 00:14:31,652 You are a disgrace to this family. 350 00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:35,021 Now who wants to boogie with baby '37? 351 00:14:35,089 --> 00:14:37,725 ♪[Swing music playing] 352 00:14:44,349 --> 00:14:48,068 Shut up, shut up, shut up! 353 00:14:48,135 --> 00:14:50,637 Jay, little buddy, I got one question. 354 00:14:50,705 --> 00:14:53,006 Why, in a show designed to improve your warmth, 355 00:14:53,074 --> 00:14:54,307 did you chew out your mama 356 00:14:54,376 --> 00:14:56,042 in front of 100 million viewers? 357 00:14:56,110 --> 00:14:57,210 That's what you ask about. 358 00:14:57,278 --> 00:14:59,680 No questions about the old man in the diaper? 359 00:14:59,748 --> 00:15:02,349 I thought he was cute... Till the diaper dropped, 360 00:15:02,417 --> 00:15:03,717 but that still doesn't explain 361 00:15:03,785 --> 00:15:05,853 why you did such a terrible thing. 362 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:06,987 My entire life, 363 00:15:07,054 --> 00:15:09,556 that woman has been chipping away at me. 364 00:15:09,624 --> 00:15:12,459 I thought she could stop for 5 minutes. 365 00:15:12,527 --> 00:15:14,528 Oh, what am I gonna do? 366 00:15:14,596 --> 00:15:16,397 Son, you're on your own. 367 00:15:16,464 --> 00:15:18,532 Because to me you're just a tiny ant 368 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:21,368 crawling on a big mound of my honey. 369 00:15:21,436 --> 00:15:22,803 You think I'm an ant? 370 00:15:22,871 --> 00:15:24,905 No. I think you're a fat toilet 371 00:15:24,972 --> 00:15:26,740 I'm flushing my money down, 372 00:15:26,808 --> 00:15:28,709 sort of a "Johnny cash." 373 00:15:28,777 --> 00:15:31,144 Hey, man, that's witty. Send it to reader's digest. 374 00:15:31,212 --> 00:15:32,112 Yes, sir. 375 00:15:35,817 --> 00:15:37,984 Ah, Mr. sherman, 376 00:15:38,052 --> 00:15:40,120 and your ripening sister. 377 00:15:40,187 --> 00:15:43,424 Jay, I have just the table for you. 378 00:15:43,491 --> 00:15:45,793 [Speaks russian] 379 00:15:47,929 --> 00:15:49,396 [All muttering] 380 00:15:50,932 --> 00:15:52,365 [Snapping] 381 00:15:52,434 --> 00:15:54,902 I just get this feeling lately that everyone hates me. 382 00:15:54,969 --> 00:15:56,770 Oh, you always think that. 383 00:15:57,639 --> 00:15:58,839 Excuse me. 384 00:15:58,907 --> 00:16:00,808 I've suddenly lost my appetite. 385 00:16:01,676 --> 00:16:03,109 My mother was a Saint. 386 00:16:03,177 --> 00:16:06,179 Yes. I'm sure she was unimpeachable. 387 00:16:07,281 --> 00:16:08,949 Baldheaded schmutz. 388 00:16:09,016 --> 00:16:11,452 Gee, I guess you do have a problem. 389 00:16:11,519 --> 00:16:14,120 Yeah. So, did mom get my hickory farms basket? 390 00:16:14,188 --> 00:16:15,188 (Eleanor) Pull! 391 00:16:15,256 --> 00:16:16,222 [Springing] 392 00:16:16,290 --> 00:16:17,558 [Gun firing] 393 00:16:20,495 --> 00:16:22,930 Did she at least see the video apology I sent? 394 00:16:22,997 --> 00:16:25,065 ♪ Oh, my mama 395 00:16:27,201 --> 00:16:30,203 ♪ to me you are so wonderful ♪ 396 00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:33,373 attack on sight. 397 00:16:34,509 --> 00:16:36,209 [All barking] 398 00:16:37,378 --> 00:16:39,880 ♪ To me you are so good ♪ 399 00:16:41,816 --> 00:16:44,184 look, I'm 16, and for the past 10 years, 400 00:16:44,251 --> 00:16:46,286 I've been trying to hold this family together. 401 00:16:46,354 --> 00:16:48,154 Well, give it up. I'm a grown man. 402 00:16:48,222 --> 00:16:49,923 I don't need my mother anymore 403 00:16:49,991 --> 00:16:51,658 to cut up my meat for me. 404 00:16:51,726 --> 00:16:52,659 [Gulping] 405 00:16:52,727 --> 00:16:53,927 [Gagging] 406 00:16:56,364 --> 00:16:58,365 Excuse me, Mr. sherman. 407 00:16:58,432 --> 00:17:00,534 The kindly old lady over there 408 00:17:00,602 --> 00:17:02,168 asked me to give you this. 409 00:17:02,236 --> 00:17:03,203 What? 410 00:17:03,270 --> 00:17:04,738 Ow! 411 00:17:04,806 --> 00:17:07,107 Now, would you stand up so I may knee you in the groin? 412 00:17:07,174 --> 00:17:09,409 Ok, but this is the last time. 413 00:17:09,477 --> 00:17:11,277 [Cars honking] 414 00:17:11,345 --> 00:17:14,047 "Critic Jay sherman bludgeons mother with Bible!" 415 00:17:14,115 --> 00:17:16,249 Oh, how could anyone believe such-- 416 00:17:16,317 --> 00:17:18,619 wow! "Delta Burke really a man." 417 00:17:19,453 --> 00:17:20,821 [All muttering] 418 00:17:21,489 --> 00:17:23,056 [All chattering] 419 00:17:24,058 --> 00:17:25,626 Look, there he is! 420 00:17:25,693 --> 00:17:27,293 Look, there he is! 421 00:17:31,065 --> 00:17:34,701 ♪ Hush, little baby, don't say a word ♪ 422 00:17:34,769 --> 00:17:38,772 ♪ mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird ♪ 423 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:42,676 ♪ if that mockingbird don't sing ♪ 424 00:17:42,744 --> 00:17:46,647 ♪ mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring ♪ 425 00:17:46,714 --> 00:17:50,583 ♪ if that diamond ring is brass ♪ 426 00:17:50,585 --> 00:17:54,287 ♪ mama's gonna buy you a lookin' glass ♪ 427 00:17:56,090 --> 00:17:57,157 [doorbell rings] 428 00:17:57,224 --> 00:17:59,292 Dad, I've got to talk to mom. 429 00:17:59,360 --> 00:18:01,461 She's in the hospital, son. 430 00:18:01,529 --> 00:18:03,263 Ever since that interview, 431 00:18:03,330 --> 00:18:05,832 she just lost the will to live. 432 00:18:05,900 --> 00:18:07,434 I haven't left her side. 433 00:18:07,501 --> 00:18:08,535 You're not with her now. 434 00:18:08,603 --> 00:18:10,336 I'm not on trial here... 435 00:18:11,172 --> 00:18:12,505 Am I? 436 00:18:12,574 --> 00:18:14,207 What's wrong with her, doctor? 437 00:18:14,275 --> 00:18:17,377 She's suffering from the one thing we can't cure: 438 00:18:17,445 --> 00:18:18,912 A broken heart. 439 00:18:20,848 --> 00:18:24,150 Young man, you've got a bad case of the blues. 440 00:18:26,253 --> 00:18:28,689 I'm afraid it's puppy love. 441 00:18:30,291 --> 00:18:32,659 I heard you were here and I came right down. 442 00:18:32,727 --> 00:18:34,928 Sorry I did this to you. 443 00:18:34,996 --> 00:18:36,329 I love you. 444 00:18:36,397 --> 00:18:39,633 I hear something, and I smell something, 445 00:18:39,701 --> 00:18:42,069 but I don't see anything. 446 00:18:42,136 --> 00:18:43,670 Take this tray away. 447 00:18:43,738 --> 00:18:45,105 I don't want it. 448 00:18:46,407 --> 00:18:48,374 Please, mother, you need your strength. 449 00:18:48,442 --> 00:18:49,876 Uh-uh. 450 00:18:49,944 --> 00:18:51,311 Mmm, peach cobbler. 451 00:18:52,580 --> 00:18:54,815 Mmm. More. More. 452 00:18:54,882 --> 00:18:58,351 Why don't you hook up my glucose bag while you're at it? 453 00:18:58,419 --> 00:19:01,488 I'm sorry. I can be pretty insensitive, I know. 454 00:19:01,555 --> 00:19:04,658 Try to say it without spitting so much cobbler at me. 455 00:19:04,726 --> 00:19:06,026 Oh, it's hopeless. 456 00:19:06,094 --> 00:19:07,861 You don't really care about me at all. 457 00:19:12,667 --> 00:19:14,234 [Car approaching] 458 00:19:15,369 --> 00:19:16,770 (Man) Mother-hater! 459 00:19:17,605 --> 00:19:18,538 [Thwacking] 460 00:19:19,306 --> 00:19:20,240 [Crashing] 461 00:19:23,077 --> 00:19:24,444 Wh-what happened? 462 00:19:24,512 --> 00:19:25,879 [Laughs] 463 00:19:25,947 --> 00:19:29,149 Why, the only problem here is a badly bruised ego. 464 00:19:29,216 --> 00:19:30,817 Well, that's a relief. 465 00:19:30,885 --> 00:19:32,953 Oh, and there's a large shard of glass in your brain. 466 00:19:33,021 --> 00:19:34,054 Right here. 467 00:19:35,456 --> 00:19:37,024 Hmm. That shouldn't happen. 468 00:19:37,091 --> 00:19:38,191 Oh, well. 469 00:19:41,963 --> 00:19:43,563 [Sighs] 470 00:19:43,631 --> 00:19:44,698 Who's that? 471 00:19:44,766 --> 00:19:46,133 I know someone's there. 472 00:19:48,402 --> 00:19:49,602 Mom! 473 00:19:49,671 --> 00:19:51,538 How long have you been watching over me? 474 00:19:51,605 --> 00:19:53,006 2 hours. 475 00:19:53,074 --> 00:19:55,575 I was afraid you were going to die, 476 00:19:55,643 --> 00:19:58,344 and the thought of it broke my heart. 477 00:19:58,412 --> 00:20:00,246 Aw, you do care. 478 00:20:00,314 --> 00:20:02,983 I guess I should try to show you more often. 479 00:20:03,051 --> 00:20:06,219 After all, you are my only son. 480 00:20:08,355 --> 00:20:09,422 [Laughs] 481 00:20:09,490 --> 00:20:12,325 You still could set young men's hearts aflutter. 482 00:20:12,393 --> 00:20:13,593 Thank you. 483 00:20:13,661 --> 00:20:15,562 And that's our show for today. 484 00:20:15,629 --> 00:20:17,530 All the movies stink, 485 00:20:17,598 --> 00:20:19,900 particularly the 3 by John Hughes. 486 00:20:19,967 --> 00:20:21,768 Now, I'd like to thank our guest reviewer, 487 00:20:21,836 --> 00:20:22,869 my mother. 488 00:20:22,937 --> 00:20:24,470 You're welcome, son. 489 00:20:24,538 --> 00:20:26,339 I, uh... 490 00:20:26,407 --> 00:20:28,075 What does that say? 491 00:20:30,111 --> 00:20:32,579 "I love you." 492 00:20:32,646 --> 00:20:34,514 Oh, I love you. 493 00:20:34,582 --> 00:20:35,816 Yes. 494 00:20:35,883 --> 00:20:37,283 And I love you, too. 495 00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:40,187 ♪ Oh, my mama 496 00:20:42,924 --> 00:20:45,258 ♪ to me you are so wonderful ♪ 497 00:20:47,729 --> 00:20:49,162 I gave him 5 days 498 00:20:49,230 --> 00:20:50,997 and he's become a national scandal 499 00:20:51,065 --> 00:20:52,665 and then redeemed himself. 500 00:20:52,734 --> 00:20:54,901 What could you do with me in 5 days? 501 00:20:54,969 --> 00:20:57,604 Honey, I could make you Mrs. Ernest borgnine. 502 00:20:57,671 --> 00:20:58,739 Pass. 503 00:20:58,806 --> 00:21:00,673 ♪ Oh, my mama 504 00:21:02,443 --> 00:21:05,112 ♪ you always understood ♪ 505 00:21:07,782 --> 00:21:10,951 well, I guess it's a happy ending. 506 00:21:11,018 --> 00:21:13,386 Yeah, but it's not happy enough. 507 00:21:13,454 --> 00:21:14,554 [All groaning] 508 00:21:14,622 --> 00:21:15,588 [Buzzing] 509 00:21:20,194 --> 00:21:21,728 ♪[Music playing] 510 00:21:26,100 --> 00:21:28,635 Happy 1937, everybody! 511 00:21:48,823 --> 00:21:50,090 [Chomping] 512 00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:54,527 [Slurping] 513 00:22:28,429 --> 00:22:30,396 (Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated. 514 00:22:30,464 --> 00:22:32,833 No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode. 515 00:22:37,671 --> 00:22:40,006 Excuse me, sir, the show's over. 516 00:22:40,074 --> 00:22:41,842 But I have nowhere to go. 517 00:22:43,510 --> 00:22:44,744 [People chattering] 518 00:22:44,812 --> 00:22:45,778 Shh!