1 00:00:20,519 --> 00:00:22,187 [Telephone ringing] 2 00:00:23,289 --> 00:00:24,289 Hello. 3 00:00:24,356 --> 00:00:25,890 (Margo) Jay, this is your sister. 4 00:00:25,958 --> 00:00:26,991 You got a lot of laughs 5 00:00:27,059 --> 00:00:28,693 on the tonight show last night. 6 00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:32,464 Um, did you mean to have your fly open the whole time? 7 00:00:52,684 --> 00:00:53,818 [Ice cracking] 8 00:00:53,885 --> 00:00:55,153 [All screaming] 9 00:00:55,221 --> 00:00:56,754 [All groaning] 10 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:02,827 [Rumbling] 11 00:01:06,432 --> 00:01:07,698 It stinks! 12 00:01:09,635 --> 00:01:10,568 [Clicks] 13 00:01:20,412 --> 00:01:23,548 (R.J.) Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey, New York! 14 00:01:23,616 --> 00:01:25,016 It's the first day of spring, 15 00:01:25,083 --> 00:01:26,618 the season of romance. 16 00:01:26,685 --> 00:01:29,587 So cuddle up tight with the one you love most. 17 00:01:29,655 --> 00:01:31,989 Oh, you're still here. 18 00:01:32,057 --> 00:01:33,658 Speaking of love, 19 00:01:33,725 --> 00:01:36,861 this one goes out to Jay, from your ex-wife ardeth. 20 00:01:36,928 --> 00:01:39,697 She'll never forget how you spent your honeymoon. 21 00:01:39,765 --> 00:01:40,898 Oh, that's sweet. 22 00:01:40,966 --> 00:01:43,334 She still remembers the good times. 23 00:01:44,570 --> 00:01:46,771 Now, Jay, your wife ardeth said, 24 00:01:46,838 --> 00:01:48,673 "you have the sex appeal of..." 25 00:01:48,740 --> 00:01:51,142 A dead mackerel. 26 00:01:51,210 --> 00:01:53,044 We won! We won! 27 00:01:53,111 --> 00:01:54,345 Ugh. 28 00:01:54,413 --> 00:01:56,414 Jay, ardeth wants you to know 29 00:01:56,482 --> 00:01:59,417 she's bought a billboard outside your window. 30 00:02:02,555 --> 00:02:03,721 [Sighs] 31 00:02:05,791 --> 00:02:06,991 Yo, taxi! 32 00:02:07,059 --> 00:02:08,125 Hey, taxi! 33 00:02:08,194 --> 00:02:09,694 [Brakes screech] 34 00:02:09,761 --> 00:02:12,129 Hey, get out of here, it's mine. 35 00:02:12,198 --> 00:02:14,432 Forget about it, pus face. 36 00:02:14,500 --> 00:02:17,268 My God! You're stunning. 37 00:02:17,336 --> 00:02:19,136 No. You are. 38 00:02:19,205 --> 00:02:21,872 Share my cab and my life. 39 00:02:23,242 --> 00:02:24,909 [Tires screech] 40 00:02:24,976 --> 00:02:26,744 What do you think you're doing? 41 00:02:26,812 --> 00:02:29,514 Is called driving, you pig-eyed smell stick! 44 00:02:36,555 --> 00:02:38,956 Uh, we have a problem here. 45 00:02:52,070 --> 00:02:53,037 [Sighs] 46 00:02:57,843 --> 00:02:59,410 Is this seat taken? 47 00:02:59,478 --> 00:03:01,145 No, go right ahead. 48 00:03:01,780 --> 00:03:02,680 Ah! 49 00:03:03,549 --> 00:03:04,716 [Giggling] 50 00:03:04,783 --> 00:03:06,117 Oh, thank you. 51 00:03:06,184 --> 00:03:07,785 My pleasure. 52 00:03:12,458 --> 00:03:13,391 Yo, sal! 53 00:03:13,459 --> 00:03:14,859 I got something for you, man. 54 00:03:17,129 --> 00:03:20,265 Oh, mookie, you found my trash can. 55 00:03:20,332 --> 00:03:21,299 I, uh... 56 00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:22,567 [laughing] 57 00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:31,743 "Dear Jay, I think you're the sexiest man alive." 58 00:03:31,810 --> 00:03:33,711 Ha! Well! 59 00:03:33,779 --> 00:03:35,246 "I'm currently a resident 60 00:03:35,314 --> 00:03:37,515 of the New York men's correctional institution." 61 00:03:37,583 --> 00:03:38,583 [Groans] 62 00:03:42,788 --> 00:03:44,389 A phone-sex line? 63 00:03:44,456 --> 00:03:46,324 Ah, those are for losers. 64 00:03:46,392 --> 00:03:48,626 Hello. What's this? 65 00:03:48,694 --> 00:03:51,629 "1-900-1-p. H.D.-Girls." 66 00:03:52,130 --> 00:03:53,197 Ha-ho! 67 00:03:53,265 --> 00:03:54,499 Now that's uplifting. 68 00:03:56,535 --> 00:03:59,671 (Woman) How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. 69 00:03:59,738 --> 00:04:03,073 If you'd like to be loved as the flower loves the rain, 70 00:04:03,141 --> 00:04:04,475 press one. 71 00:04:04,543 --> 00:04:07,912 If you'd like to be loved by 3 women in a tub of jell-o, 72 00:04:07,979 --> 00:04:09,013 press 2. 73 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:10,881 Yeesh! 74 00:04:10,949 --> 00:04:12,917 [Chuckling] Well, if they got rid of the women, mmm. 75 00:04:17,856 --> 00:04:18,856 [Crashing] 76 00:04:18,924 --> 00:04:20,124 Excuse me. 77 00:04:20,192 --> 00:04:21,726 [Tittering] That's ok. 78 00:04:21,794 --> 00:04:23,260 I wonder if this is it. 79 00:04:23,329 --> 00:04:25,162 The chance encounter I've always dreamed of? 80 00:04:25,230 --> 00:04:26,397 I wonder if he knows 81 00:04:26,465 --> 00:04:28,065 I'm really a man. 82 00:04:32,438 --> 00:04:35,105 There's the greatest woman in New York. 83 00:04:35,173 --> 00:04:37,274 You know, when you really look at her, 84 00:04:37,343 --> 00:04:39,777 she's pretty hot. 85 00:04:39,845 --> 00:04:42,947 Jay, I'm more than just a symbol. 86 00:04:43,014 --> 00:04:46,283 I'm a 151-foot woman with needs. 87 00:04:46,352 --> 00:04:47,618 [Rustling] 88 00:04:48,787 --> 00:04:51,389 Oh, sweet liberty. 89 00:04:52,057 --> 00:04:53,090 Ahem. 90 00:04:58,430 --> 00:05:01,265 (Jay) Mom, dad, I've decided to come home 91 00:05:01,333 --> 00:05:03,568 because I'm feeling so unloved. 92 00:05:03,635 --> 00:05:05,503 Oh, my God! 93 00:05:05,571 --> 00:05:07,839 Maybe you should have knocked first. 94 00:05:07,906 --> 00:05:09,940 Well, who... who knew you still... 95 00:05:10,008 --> 00:05:11,976 I'm as shocked as you are. 96 00:05:14,246 --> 00:05:16,647 [People chattering] 97 00:05:16,715 --> 00:05:18,816 Blink? More like stink. 98 00:05:18,884 --> 00:05:21,051 Ah, my favorite critic. 99 00:05:21,119 --> 00:05:22,754 Ahem, this time we really need 100 00:05:22,821 --> 00:05:24,622 something quotable for our ads. 101 00:05:25,357 --> 00:05:26,357 How's this? 102 00:05:26,425 --> 00:05:27,625 This movie is so good, 103 00:05:27,693 --> 00:05:29,326 it makes h. U.D. Look like c. H.U.D., 104 00:05:29,395 --> 00:05:31,095 and I loved c. H.U.D. 105 00:05:31,930 --> 00:05:33,330 I love it. 106 00:05:33,399 --> 00:05:35,232 You haven't even seen the movie yet. 107 00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:37,034 I'm going to report you 108 00:05:37,102 --> 00:05:39,437 to the national film critics association. 109 00:05:39,505 --> 00:05:41,873 Uh-huh? They're over there at the free buffet. 110 00:05:41,940 --> 00:05:43,274 Uh, excuse me, folks. 111 00:05:43,341 --> 00:05:45,175 This buffet is just for Roger ebert. 112 00:05:49,147 --> 00:05:50,481 I'd like to sleep with your wife, 113 00:05:50,549 --> 00:05:52,784 and I'm prepared to pay $6. 114 00:05:52,851 --> 00:05:54,552 Last time, you paid us $1 million. 115 00:05:54,620 --> 00:05:55,586 I know. 116 00:05:55,654 --> 00:05:57,422 At the time, i was worth $1,000,006. 117 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:12,036 Well, then, uh, what can I get for $5? 118 00:06:12,103 --> 00:06:13,571 Government cheese. 119 00:06:13,639 --> 00:06:14,772 Thank you and good night. 120 00:06:15,441 --> 00:06:16,574 [Yawns] 121 00:06:26,752 --> 00:06:28,719 Excuse me. Hello? 122 00:06:33,058 --> 00:06:34,459 Oh, hiya. 123 00:06:34,526 --> 00:06:36,828 You must be the projectionist. I'm Jay sher... 124 00:06:38,831 --> 00:06:39,864 man. 125 00:06:39,932 --> 00:06:42,299 Oh, nice to meet you. 126 00:06:42,367 --> 00:06:43,267 [Giggling] 127 00:06:44,436 --> 00:06:46,103 [Jay moaning] 128 00:06:46,171 --> 00:06:48,305 Well, now I'm about to take off my shirt. 129 00:06:48,373 --> 00:06:50,842 A feeling of mild nausea is normal. 130 00:06:51,910 --> 00:06:53,010 [Thud] 131 00:06:55,347 --> 00:06:59,383 Doris, I'm about to do something very unprofessional. 132 00:06:59,451 --> 00:07:02,753 I'm about to review a movie I didn't even see. 133 00:07:02,821 --> 00:07:04,121 Why not? 134 00:07:04,189 --> 00:07:07,492 Someone fell in love with me and couldn't wait. 135 00:07:07,559 --> 00:07:08,626 You? 136 00:07:08,694 --> 00:07:09,961 [Laughing] 137 00:07:12,030 --> 00:07:13,297 [Coughing] 138 00:07:16,902 --> 00:07:18,736 Oh, my poor lung. 139 00:07:20,338 --> 00:07:22,039 You know, there are certain women 140 00:07:22,107 --> 00:07:24,909 who find my offbeat good looks very attractive. 141 00:07:24,977 --> 00:07:26,443 And this is one of our monsters 142 00:07:26,512 --> 00:07:28,312 from terror time theater. 143 00:07:28,380 --> 00:07:31,281 It takes 5 hours to apply all that makeup. 144 00:07:31,349 --> 00:07:33,083 [Growling] 145 00:07:33,151 --> 00:07:34,418 [All screaming] 146 00:07:35,153 --> 00:07:36,220 Idiots. 147 00:07:36,287 --> 00:07:38,122 ♪[Theme music playing] 148 00:07:40,191 --> 00:07:41,926 Hello, I'm Jay sherman, 149 00:07:41,994 --> 00:07:43,828 and this is coming attractions. 150 00:07:43,896 --> 00:07:46,998 Tonight I'll be reviewing the latest Tim Burton movie, 151 00:07:47,065 --> 00:07:48,666 Edward plungerhands. 152 00:07:49,668 --> 00:07:51,368 [Water splashing] 153 00:07:51,436 --> 00:07:52,937 Please shoot me. 154 00:07:53,005 --> 00:07:55,840 But first, let's start with a film I saw just today, 155 00:07:55,908 --> 00:07:57,808 indecent proposal ii. 156 00:07:57,876 --> 00:07:59,309 Well, I didn't see all of it. 157 00:07:59,377 --> 00:08:00,945 For one glorious minute, 158 00:08:01,013 --> 00:08:03,313 I was doing the horizontal bop. 159 00:08:03,381 --> 00:08:04,782 [Purring] 160 00:08:04,850 --> 00:08:06,517 Oh, there goes my appetite. 161 00:08:06,585 --> 00:08:10,555 Would somebody please change the channel? 162 00:08:10,622 --> 00:08:14,792 Hello, I'm William shatner, and this is celebrity autopsy. 163 00:08:14,860 --> 00:08:16,160 Oh, that's better. 164 00:08:18,464 --> 00:08:20,031 [Projector whirring] 165 00:08:22,333 --> 00:08:24,902 Sweetheart, have you seen Timmy, Becky, and Alex? 166 00:08:24,970 --> 00:08:26,537 You're going to be really mad at me. 167 00:08:26,605 --> 00:08:28,472 Oh, no! What did you do this time? 168 00:08:28,540 --> 00:08:30,841 Honey, i laminated the kids. 169 00:08:39,818 --> 00:08:41,385 I wanted to look my best for you, 170 00:08:41,453 --> 00:08:42,486 so this morning, 171 00:08:42,554 --> 00:08:45,389 I put on my tiger briefs and did a sit-up. 172 00:08:45,457 --> 00:08:46,457 Mmm. 173 00:08:49,294 --> 00:08:51,862 Is Jeremy hawke in there? I'm supposed to have lunch with him. 174 00:08:51,930 --> 00:08:53,798 Yes, but I can't let you in. 175 00:08:53,865 --> 00:08:56,067 Look, I'm a powerful film critic, 176 00:08:56,134 --> 00:08:57,868 and you're a lowly security guard. 177 00:08:57,936 --> 00:08:59,670 But if you treat people like me right, 178 00:08:59,738 --> 00:09:01,706 next year, you could be head of this studio. 179 00:09:01,773 --> 00:09:04,208 No. Last year, I was head of the studio. 180 00:09:04,275 --> 00:09:05,977 12-picture deal with shelley long 181 00:09:06,044 --> 00:09:07,912 seemed like a good idea. 182 00:09:07,980 --> 00:09:10,748 (Floor director) Smith and Wesson rescue scene, take 3. 183 00:09:11,549 --> 00:09:13,818 Prepare to die, Wesson. 184 00:09:13,885 --> 00:09:15,119 [Pistol clicks] 185 00:09:15,186 --> 00:09:16,654 Not one more step, Smith, 186 00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:19,624 or I'll chop your friend into cop salad! 187 00:09:19,691 --> 00:09:21,325 Hold the cop salad. 188 00:09:21,392 --> 00:09:24,228 I'm making kill slaw! 189 00:09:24,295 --> 00:09:25,630 Ahhh! 190 00:09:25,697 --> 00:09:27,865 Yoo-hoo! Anyone here seen Jeremy? 191 00:09:28,934 --> 00:09:30,501 Oh, it's you. 192 00:09:30,568 --> 00:09:32,169 That unconvincing character actor 193 00:09:32,237 --> 00:09:33,971 that always plays the killer. 194 00:09:34,039 --> 00:09:36,573 What do you know about acting, man? 195 00:09:36,642 --> 00:09:39,143 Go ahead, I know it's a prop knife. 196 00:09:39,210 --> 00:09:41,746 Die, critic, die! 197 00:09:41,813 --> 00:09:43,213 Keep it up. It tickles. 198 00:09:43,281 --> 00:09:44,715 [Giggling] 199 00:09:44,783 --> 00:09:46,183 Don't! Don't! 200 00:09:48,820 --> 00:09:50,387 (Jay) It was the weirdest thing. 201 00:09:50,455 --> 00:09:52,957 She just kept staring at me from the projection booth. 202 00:09:53,025 --> 00:09:54,091 Can I have your pickle? 203 00:09:54,159 --> 00:09:55,660 Sure. They give me gas. 204 00:09:55,727 --> 00:09:56,794 Me, too! 205 00:09:57,428 --> 00:09:58,595 Mmm. 206 00:09:58,664 --> 00:10:00,064 The whole thing is so thrilling. 207 00:10:00,132 --> 00:10:02,232 The platter of film going around, 208 00:10:02,300 --> 00:10:04,101 the danger of knowing Leonard maltin 209 00:10:04,169 --> 00:10:05,502 could walk in at any moment. 210 00:10:05,570 --> 00:10:06,704 Sounds fantastic. 211 00:10:06,772 --> 00:10:07,805 It is. 212 00:10:07,873 --> 00:10:10,875 But just once I... I wish she would talk to me. 213 00:10:10,942 --> 00:10:12,843 Jay, bubeleh. 214 00:10:12,911 --> 00:10:14,478 What relationship with a woman 215 00:10:14,546 --> 00:10:16,947 has ever been enhanced by having a conversation? 216 00:10:17,015 --> 00:10:18,315 Hey, you don't understand. 217 00:10:18,383 --> 00:10:20,450 We Americans aren't like you Australians. 218 00:10:20,518 --> 00:10:22,386 It's not just about sex. 219 00:10:22,453 --> 00:10:24,655 We want to make love to our mothers. 220 00:10:25,957 --> 00:10:27,058 [Knocking on door] 221 00:10:28,727 --> 00:10:29,660 Mmm. 222 00:10:29,728 --> 00:10:30,695 Wait. 223 00:10:30,762 --> 00:10:32,697 For once, we're gonna have a conversation. 224 00:10:32,764 --> 00:10:35,066 What are your hopes? What are your dreams? 225 00:10:35,133 --> 00:10:37,001 [Muffled screaming] 226 00:10:37,936 --> 00:10:40,370 Oh, no. You have a weird voice. 227 00:10:40,438 --> 00:10:42,406 I knew it was too good to be true. 228 00:10:42,473 --> 00:10:43,974 [Hacking] 229 00:10:44,042 --> 00:10:47,144 No, I just had a gummi bear stuck in my throat. 230 00:10:47,212 --> 00:10:48,378 Thank God. 231 00:10:48,446 --> 00:10:51,115 I thought you were some kind of freaky alien chick. 232 00:10:51,183 --> 00:10:53,250 Not that I still wouldn't go out with you. 233 00:10:53,318 --> 00:10:55,586 You want to go out with me? 234 00:10:55,653 --> 00:10:57,755 Oh, look, I'm a lonely guy. 235 00:10:57,823 --> 00:10:59,056 You're a lonely woman. 236 00:10:59,124 --> 00:11:01,391 Maybe this could grow into something meaningful. 237 00:11:01,459 --> 00:11:02,893 I don't know. 238 00:11:02,961 --> 00:11:04,862 Whenever I get into a relationship with a man, 239 00:11:04,930 --> 00:11:07,631 they tend to get dominating and overcritical. 240 00:11:07,699 --> 00:11:08,933 I can see your point, 241 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,168 although I wouldn't have used "overcritical," 242 00:11:11,236 --> 00:11:14,271 and I think your delivery was wooden and unconvincing. 243 00:11:14,339 --> 00:11:15,672 Maybe you should go. 244 00:11:15,741 --> 00:11:17,975 What... no! I... I don't want to lose this chance. 245 00:11:18,043 --> 00:11:20,111 Look, you're all I think about all week. 246 00:11:20,178 --> 00:11:23,114 I can't get those beautiful eyes out of my mind. 247 00:11:23,181 --> 00:11:25,216 Please, go out with me. 248 00:11:25,283 --> 00:11:28,185 All right. Why don't you come over to my place? 249 00:11:28,253 --> 00:11:30,955 We'll have some wine, cuddle by the fire, 250 00:11:31,022 --> 00:11:32,556 and watch love story. 251 00:11:32,624 --> 00:11:35,726 Make it cookies, the refrigerator, and eraserhead, 252 00:11:35,794 --> 00:11:37,594 and you've got a deal. 253 00:11:39,564 --> 00:11:40,497 [Doorbell rings] 254 00:11:41,699 --> 00:11:43,634 Bonsoir, madame. 255 00:11:43,701 --> 00:11:45,035 Flowers. 256 00:11:45,103 --> 00:11:47,037 Half a box of chocolates. 257 00:11:51,309 --> 00:11:52,442 [Gasps] 258 00:12:08,994 --> 00:12:10,194 Hmm. 259 00:12:10,262 --> 00:12:13,197 You seem to have a psychotic obsession with me. 260 00:12:13,265 --> 00:12:15,565 I like that in a woman. 261 00:12:15,633 --> 00:12:17,467 I'm your biggest fan. 262 00:12:17,535 --> 00:12:18,903 Wow! 263 00:12:18,970 --> 00:12:21,638 You even have the Jay sherman videotape rewinder. 264 00:12:21,706 --> 00:12:23,407 [Coughing] Ahem! 265 00:12:23,474 --> 00:12:25,109 And that's not all. 266 00:12:25,811 --> 00:12:26,844 Surprise! 267 00:12:26,912 --> 00:12:28,112 [Giggles] 268 00:12:28,180 --> 00:12:29,746 From when your book came out. 269 00:12:29,815 --> 00:12:31,381 I hooked it up to my clapper. 270 00:12:32,317 --> 00:12:33,784 Buy my book! 271 00:12:33,852 --> 00:12:35,252 Buy my book! 272 00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:36,821 Buy my book! 273 00:12:36,888 --> 00:12:38,856 Buy my Bo... 274 00:12:38,924 --> 00:12:40,691 yeah, they pulled them out of bookstores 275 00:12:40,758 --> 00:12:43,027 after a brentano's manager shot himself. 276 00:12:43,094 --> 00:12:44,361 How about some wine? 277 00:12:44,429 --> 00:12:45,429 Fabulous! 278 00:12:48,900 --> 00:12:51,535 Well, here's to my number one fan. 279 00:12:53,305 --> 00:12:54,338 [Slurping] 280 00:13:03,248 --> 00:13:05,415 Passing...Out. 281 00:13:05,483 --> 00:13:07,718 Wine...Drugged. 282 00:13:07,785 --> 00:13:10,855 No time for...Hors d'oeuvres. 283 00:13:10,922 --> 00:13:12,156 Well, maybe just one. 284 00:13:17,996 --> 00:13:19,796 Hello, Jay. 285 00:13:19,865 --> 00:13:21,031 [Bonds squeaking] 286 00:13:22,334 --> 00:13:23,934 Why are you doing this to me? 287 00:13:24,002 --> 00:13:25,702 I like every movie that comes out. 288 00:13:25,770 --> 00:13:28,438 People laugh at me and think I'm stupid. 289 00:13:28,506 --> 00:13:30,241 Now I have you to tell me 290 00:13:30,308 --> 00:13:32,809 what's good and what's bad. 291 00:13:32,878 --> 00:13:34,811 Well, here's a clue for you. 292 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:37,014 Tying me up is bad. 293 00:13:37,082 --> 00:13:39,116 Untying me would be good. 294 00:13:39,184 --> 00:13:40,150 [Laughing] 295 00:13:40,218 --> 00:13:41,618 You're funny. 296 00:13:45,857 --> 00:13:47,157 [Jay groaning] 297 00:13:47,225 --> 00:13:49,360 We'll be right back. 298 00:13:51,729 --> 00:13:53,030 What happened? 299 00:13:53,098 --> 00:13:54,966 You've been out for 4 days. 300 00:13:55,033 --> 00:13:56,200 4 days! 301 00:13:56,268 --> 00:13:58,569 Nobody does this to me! I'm Jay sherman the... 302 00:13:58,636 --> 00:13:59,937 [groaning] 303 00:14:02,590 --> 00:14:03,674 What happened? 304 00:14:03,742 --> 00:14:06,110 Well, you've been out 5 more days. 305 00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:09,446 5 days? You'll pay for this! 306 00:14:09,514 --> 00:14:12,350 You'll curse the day you crossed Jay sher... 307 00:14:12,417 --> 00:14:14,051 [groaning] 308 00:14:17,589 --> 00:14:19,023 What happened? 309 00:14:19,091 --> 00:14:21,158 4 more days, Jay. 310 00:14:21,226 --> 00:14:23,127 4 days? You can't... 311 00:14:23,195 --> 00:14:24,161 ha! 312 00:14:24,229 --> 00:14:26,830 Oh, how time flies when you're having fun. 313 00:14:29,534 --> 00:14:30,834 Hello, Mr. hawke. 314 00:14:30,903 --> 00:14:33,737 Gee, I never realized you were so short. 315 00:14:33,805 --> 00:14:35,606 Oh, blast! Excuse me. 316 00:14:37,776 --> 00:14:39,110 I'm here about Jay. 317 00:14:39,177 --> 00:14:41,578 He's been missing for more than 10 days. 318 00:14:41,646 --> 00:14:44,348 Our family's worried sick, and we don't know what to do. 319 00:14:44,416 --> 00:14:45,950 Will you help me find him? 320 00:14:46,018 --> 00:14:47,885 Margo, when my first movie 321 00:14:47,953 --> 00:14:50,087 kegger party at hanging rock came out, 322 00:14:50,155 --> 00:14:52,123 only your brother gave it a good review. 323 00:14:52,190 --> 00:14:53,124 Let's go. 324 00:14:53,191 --> 00:14:54,125 [Cracking] 325 00:14:54,192 --> 00:14:55,526 Broke a heel. 326 00:14:58,496 --> 00:15:00,798 This is the day I start killing you. 327 00:15:00,865 --> 00:15:01,999 Start? 328 00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:05,036 The way I do it, it takes 16 days. 329 00:15:05,103 --> 00:15:06,770 This is step one. 330 00:15:08,807 --> 00:15:11,208 I'm gonna give you a stupid haircut. 331 00:15:11,276 --> 00:15:13,610 No! 332 00:15:16,081 --> 00:15:17,881 I'm stopping at the store after work, 333 00:15:17,950 --> 00:15:19,417 is there anything special you want? 334 00:15:19,484 --> 00:15:20,384 A hat. 335 00:15:21,386 --> 00:15:22,886 [Door slams] 336 00:15:22,955 --> 00:15:25,222 I liked you better when we just had sex. 337 00:15:26,291 --> 00:15:27,858 Did Jay have any enemies? 338 00:15:27,926 --> 00:15:29,060 Let's see, uh, 339 00:15:29,127 --> 00:15:30,061 rob lowe, 340 00:15:30,128 --> 00:15:31,295 Steven seagal, 341 00:15:31,363 --> 00:15:32,663 Dr. haing s. Ngor... 342 00:15:33,798 --> 00:15:35,032 If you ask me, 343 00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:37,868 he should've gone to the "acting fields." 344 00:15:37,936 --> 00:15:40,704 I'm sorry, Mr. hawke, we got nothing to go on. 345 00:15:40,772 --> 00:15:44,008 You've been in a lot of cop movies, but this isn't Hollywood. 346 00:15:44,076 --> 00:15:45,309 It's real life. 347 00:15:47,179 --> 00:15:49,613 Now I'm asking the questions, cop! 348 00:15:51,183 --> 00:15:52,683 Ugh! 349 00:15:52,750 --> 00:15:56,187 File him under "g," for garbage. 350 00:15:56,254 --> 00:15:59,156 Help me! Somebody, please! Help me! 351 00:15:59,224 --> 00:16:01,292 (Esther) Did you say something? 352 00:16:02,794 --> 00:16:03,995 (Jay) You can hear me? 353 00:16:04,062 --> 00:16:05,596 [Cat meowing] Oh, thank God! 354 00:16:05,663 --> 00:16:07,264 Well, bless my soul. 355 00:16:07,332 --> 00:16:09,633 One of my cats has learnt to talk. 356 00:16:09,701 --> 00:16:11,935 I knew if I lived 85 years, 357 00:16:12,004 --> 00:16:13,971 something interesting would happen. 358 00:16:14,039 --> 00:16:16,407 I'm not a cat, I'm a film critic. 359 00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:19,143 Well, now, that's no job for a talking cat. 360 00:16:19,211 --> 00:16:21,245 Lady, don't take this the wrong way, 361 00:16:21,313 --> 00:16:22,779 but you're nuts. 362 00:16:22,847 --> 00:16:25,349 (Esther) Oh, you sound just like the toaster. 363 00:16:27,585 --> 00:16:29,620 (Jay) So, you see, looking back, 364 00:16:29,687 --> 00:16:33,124 I think the other kids always picked me last for sports 365 00:16:33,191 --> 00:16:35,026 because I was smarter than them, 366 00:16:35,093 --> 00:16:38,229 not because of my unpredictable bladder. 367 00:16:38,296 --> 00:16:39,763 What do you think, Esther? 368 00:16:39,831 --> 00:16:41,999 (Esther) You talk too much, talking cat! 369 00:16:43,368 --> 00:16:44,568 [Cat meowing] 370 00:16:46,104 --> 00:16:47,704 Ladies and gentlemen, of the press, 371 00:16:47,772 --> 00:16:49,640 today, I'm not here to talk about my movies 372 00:16:49,707 --> 00:16:52,109 or my work as spokesman for save the dingo. 373 00:16:52,177 --> 00:16:54,045 I'm here because film critic Jay sherman 374 00:16:54,112 --> 00:16:56,080 has been missing for more than 10 days 375 00:16:56,148 --> 00:16:58,382 and we have no leads. Any questions? 376 00:16:58,450 --> 00:17:00,518 Is it true you fired the caterer on your movie 377 00:17:00,585 --> 00:17:02,453 for bringing you the wrong kind of biscuit? 378 00:17:02,521 --> 00:17:05,222 Hey! My lawyer has instructed me not to answer any questions 379 00:17:05,290 --> 00:17:07,824 relating to tea biscuits, scones, or figgy pudding. 380 00:17:07,892 --> 00:17:09,993 Besides, we're here to talk about Jay sherman. 381 00:17:10,062 --> 00:17:12,029 If Jay sherman was the wrong kind of biscuit, 382 00:17:12,097 --> 00:17:14,465 would you fire the man who served him to you? 383 00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:15,699 Well, that's better. I... 384 00:17:15,767 --> 00:17:16,934 wait a minute! 385 00:17:17,001 --> 00:17:18,335 If you're not gonna listen to me, 386 00:17:18,403 --> 00:17:21,072 maybe you'll listen to Jay's parents. 387 00:17:21,139 --> 00:17:23,140 Please, Mrs. sherman, for the good of your son, 388 00:17:23,208 --> 00:17:25,076 don't hold back your emotions. 389 00:17:25,143 --> 00:17:26,843 I understand. 390 00:17:26,911 --> 00:17:29,012 I think you media jackals are a pack 391 00:17:29,081 --> 00:17:31,215 of filthy muckraking scum! 392 00:17:31,283 --> 00:17:32,950 What you did to poor Dan quayle 393 00:17:33,017 --> 00:17:34,751 is a disgrace! 394 00:17:34,819 --> 00:17:36,853 I hate you all, 395 00:17:36,921 --> 00:17:40,724 except for you good people at the new yorker. 396 00:17:40,792 --> 00:17:42,526 Bravo, Mrs. "s." 397 00:17:42,594 --> 00:17:46,430 And now, Jay's father would like to say a few words. 398 00:17:46,498 --> 00:17:48,399 If I could be a vegetable, 399 00:17:48,467 --> 00:17:50,033 I'd be a carrot. 400 00:17:50,102 --> 00:17:51,335 [People murmuring] 401 00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:52,336 (Man) Very good choice. 402 00:18:02,514 --> 00:18:03,814 [Grunting] 403 00:18:13,158 --> 00:18:15,292 [Grunting] 404 00:18:22,066 --> 00:18:23,534 Prepare to die! 405 00:18:25,870 --> 00:18:26,970 I mean, 406 00:18:27,038 --> 00:18:28,705 couldn't you just die? 407 00:18:28,773 --> 00:18:29,940 He's so cute. 408 00:18:31,576 --> 00:18:32,809 Huh? 409 00:18:32,877 --> 00:18:35,479 Well, it looks like I'm gonna have to do something 410 00:18:35,547 --> 00:18:37,248 to keep you from moving around. 411 00:18:40,852 --> 00:18:43,120 Please tell me we're going to build something. 412 00:18:44,556 --> 00:18:47,124 No! 413 00:18:50,728 --> 00:18:52,563 Oh, my God! My ankles! 414 00:18:52,631 --> 00:18:54,298 They're so swollen and discolored. 415 00:18:54,366 --> 00:18:55,899 What have you done to me? 416 00:18:55,967 --> 00:18:56,867 Nothing. 417 00:18:57,536 --> 00:18:59,403 I retain water. 418 00:18:59,471 --> 00:19:00,604 [Projector whirring] 419 00:19:02,374 --> 00:19:04,441 So you're the 9 liberal judges 420 00:19:04,509 --> 00:19:07,077 who outlawed unreasonable search and seizure. 421 00:19:07,145 --> 00:19:08,546 Souter made us do it! 422 00:19:10,114 --> 00:19:11,348 You better lock the doors, 423 00:19:11,416 --> 00:19:13,984 'cause we'll be rewriting some laws tonight. 424 00:19:19,257 --> 00:19:22,125 She just kept staring at me from the projection booth. 425 00:19:22,194 --> 00:19:23,427 Can I have your pickle? 426 00:19:26,164 --> 00:19:27,198 [Tires screeching] 427 00:19:29,434 --> 00:19:31,402 [Tires screeching] 428 00:19:31,469 --> 00:19:34,905 ♪[Theme song from taxi playing] 429 00:19:38,076 --> 00:19:39,443 [Tires screeching] 430 00:19:45,883 --> 00:19:46,850 [Machine whirring] 431 00:19:47,785 --> 00:19:48,819 [Machine beeps] 432 00:19:49,721 --> 00:19:51,088 [Machine whirring] 433 00:19:51,155 --> 00:19:52,756 [Gun clanging] 434 00:19:52,824 --> 00:19:53,757 [Gun clicking] 435 00:19:58,730 --> 00:20:00,497 They followed me home. 436 00:20:00,565 --> 00:20:02,366 It's time for you to die. 437 00:20:05,337 --> 00:20:06,503 Drop that knife! 438 00:20:06,571 --> 00:20:07,771 Jeremy, you're just an actor. 439 00:20:07,839 --> 00:20:09,340 You don't know how to use that thing. 440 00:20:09,407 --> 00:20:10,741 It's just a gun, for God's sake, 441 00:20:10,808 --> 00:20:12,209 not a bloody xerox machine. 442 00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:13,210 [Gun firing] 443 00:20:13,278 --> 00:20:15,112 Ow! You idiot! 444 00:20:15,179 --> 00:20:17,548 Oops. Uh, can we take that again? 445 00:20:17,616 --> 00:20:18,949 [Screaming] 446 00:20:21,586 --> 00:20:22,553 [Crashing] 447 00:20:22,621 --> 00:20:23,687 Buy my book! 448 00:20:23,755 --> 00:20:24,722 Buy my book! 449 00:20:25,690 --> 00:20:26,657 Buy my b... 450 00:20:28,893 --> 00:20:30,327 sorry. It had to be done. 451 00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:33,297 Why? All he said was, "buy my book!" 452 00:20:33,365 --> 00:20:34,831 "Buy my book!" 453 00:20:34,899 --> 00:20:36,300 "Buy my book!" 454 00:20:36,368 --> 00:20:37,033 [Gun cocks] 455 00:20:37,101 --> 00:20:38,302 I'll be quiet. 456 00:20:47,979 --> 00:20:48,979 Jay, 457 00:20:51,115 --> 00:20:52,583 [laughing] 458 00:20:52,651 --> 00:20:55,686 I can't believe you asked me out on a 2nd date. 459 00:20:55,754 --> 00:20:59,055 I know you tried to kill me, but you did have sex with me. 460 00:20:59,123 --> 00:21:01,992 That puts you a little ahead in my book. 461 00:21:02,059 --> 00:21:03,560 I brought some wine. 462 00:21:03,628 --> 00:21:04,895 Oh, great. 463 00:21:06,030 --> 00:21:07,731 Uh-uh-uh! 464 00:21:07,799 --> 00:21:09,333 [Laughing] 465 00:21:10,669 --> 00:21:11,868 So, how was prison? 466 00:21:11,936 --> 00:21:14,471 Oh, they treated me pretty bad at first, 467 00:21:14,539 --> 00:21:17,508 but then, they found out I tried to kill a film critic. 468 00:21:17,575 --> 00:21:20,076 You know, in Texas, it's not even a crime. 469 00:21:20,144 --> 00:21:21,679 I'm well aware. 470 00:21:21,746 --> 00:21:25,048 At the Houston film festival, only half of us got out alive. 471 00:21:25,116 --> 00:21:26,717 [Both laughing] 472 00:21:28,186 --> 00:21:29,186 Oh, you! 473 00:21:29,253 --> 00:21:30,354 Don't hit me. 474 00:22:19,370 --> 00:22:21,305 (Jay) Some celebrity voices are impersonated. 475 00:22:21,372 --> 00:22:22,472 No celebrities were harmed 476 00:22:22,540 --> 00:22:24,708 in the filming of this episode. 477 00:22:27,846 --> 00:22:30,113 Excuse me, sir. The show's over. 478 00:22:30,181 --> 00:22:31,982 I'm stuck in the chair. 479 00:22:33,584 --> 00:22:34,617 [People murmuring] 480 00:22:34,685 --> 00:22:35,719 Shh.