1 00:00:13,046 --> 00:00:14,712 [Telephone ringing] 2 00:00:15,548 --> 00:00:16,681 Hello. 3 00:00:16,749 --> 00:00:19,551 (Doris) Jay, it's Doris. I'm at the morgue. 4 00:00:19,618 --> 00:00:21,819 Could you come down and tell them I'm not dead? 5 00:00:21,887 --> 00:00:23,422 They don't believe me. 6 00:00:32,865 --> 00:00:34,132 It stinks. 7 00:00:36,035 --> 00:00:36,968 [Clicks] 8 00:00:49,782 --> 00:00:50,715 [Yawning] 9 00:00:50,783 --> 00:00:51,716 [Grunting] 10 00:00:55,054 --> 00:00:56,521 Hmm. 11 00:00:56,589 --> 00:00:57,855 [Rattling] 12 00:00:59,758 --> 00:01:01,059 [Chirping] 13 00:01:05,298 --> 00:01:06,565 Hello, Liz Smith? 14 00:01:06,632 --> 00:01:08,066 Jay sherman. 15 00:01:08,134 --> 00:01:10,469 I've got 3 chicks in my apartment. 16 00:01:11,571 --> 00:01:12,837 Yes, they're chickens. 17 00:01:14,340 --> 00:01:15,307 [Tires screeching] 18 00:01:17,543 --> 00:01:19,677 Ah, adopted master Jay. 19 00:01:19,745 --> 00:01:21,113 I'll tell the cook to break out 20 00:01:21,180 --> 00:01:23,047 the sterling silver slop bucket. 21 00:01:23,116 --> 00:01:25,917 Hey, I didn't come here for a free meal, all right? 22 00:01:25,985 --> 00:01:28,320 I'm not some dumb college student. 23 00:01:28,387 --> 00:01:30,322 By the way, I brought my laundry. 24 00:01:42,067 --> 00:01:44,068 Could you get those? 25 00:01:44,137 --> 00:01:46,338 If I can find a long enough stick. 26 00:01:52,211 --> 00:01:54,279 Hi, dad. Anything new in the paper today? 27 00:01:54,347 --> 00:01:56,248 Oh, usual stuff. 28 00:01:56,315 --> 00:01:58,583 Big type here, little type here. 29 00:01:58,651 --> 00:01:59,717 Uh-oh. 30 00:01:59,785 --> 00:02:02,687 Son, hold very still. 31 00:02:04,089 --> 00:02:05,223 Ow! 32 00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:06,491 Did you get the bug? 33 00:02:06,559 --> 00:02:08,193 What bug? 34 00:02:08,261 --> 00:02:10,862 Jay, what a nice surprise. 35 00:02:10,929 --> 00:02:12,030 Margo! 36 00:02:12,831 --> 00:02:14,065 Mmm. Mmm. 37 00:02:14,133 --> 00:02:16,635 Margo, I've told you a thousand times, 38 00:02:16,702 --> 00:02:19,437 don't bring in the lawn gnome. 39 00:02:19,505 --> 00:02:21,839 Oh, it's you, Jay. 40 00:02:21,907 --> 00:02:24,476 I had some important business to take care of. 41 00:02:24,544 --> 00:02:26,144 I'm sorry, master Jay. 44 00:02:31,217 --> 00:02:33,051 Why do they burn so long? 45 00:02:33,118 --> 00:02:35,820 Dear God. Why did you come today? 46 00:02:35,888 --> 00:02:37,155 A photographer's coming, 47 00:02:37,223 --> 00:02:39,357 and I wanted everything to look pretty. 48 00:02:39,425 --> 00:02:40,925 I'll have you know, mother, 49 00:02:40,993 --> 00:02:43,628 my face has graced thousands of t-shirts. 50 00:02:46,232 --> 00:02:47,699 We just can't sell 'em. 51 00:02:47,766 --> 00:02:50,702 Put 'em in that landfill with the alf merchandise. 52 00:02:50,769 --> 00:02:52,237 [Engine whirring] 53 00:02:53,372 --> 00:02:55,640 Why is a photographer coming today? 54 00:02:55,708 --> 00:02:58,076 To take your debutante photos, dear. 55 00:02:58,143 --> 00:03:00,512 Mother, we've been over this a thousand times. 56 00:03:00,580 --> 00:03:02,947 I am not going to be a debutante. 57 00:03:03,015 --> 00:03:04,716 Come. I want to show you something 58 00:03:04,783 --> 00:03:06,651 that will convince you. 59 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,487 ♪[Band playing] 60 00:03:09,555 --> 00:03:11,856 (Man on t.V.) The year is 1953, 61 00:03:11,924 --> 00:03:13,958 and what a year it's been. 62 00:03:14,026 --> 00:03:16,261 Audrey hepburn won an academy award 63 00:03:16,329 --> 00:03:17,596 for best actress, 64 00:03:17,663 --> 00:03:21,165 and Fritz zernike won a nobel prize in physics. 65 00:03:21,234 --> 00:03:24,402 Julius and Ethel Rosenberg got the electric chair. 66 00:03:24,470 --> 00:03:26,538 But even more shocking 67 00:03:26,606 --> 00:03:29,807 were the new fashions from the house of dior. 68 00:03:29,875 --> 00:03:31,243 Lovely. 69 00:03:31,310 --> 00:03:34,613 And speaking of lovely, Eleanor wigglesworth came out 70 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:37,515 at New York's grand debutante ball. 71 00:03:37,583 --> 00:03:39,951 This is the part I want you to see. 72 00:03:40,018 --> 00:03:41,253 (Both) Duh! 73 00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:43,154 Not only is Eleanor lovely to look at, 74 00:03:43,222 --> 00:03:47,091 her dance partners say she's delightful to hold. 75 00:03:47,159 --> 00:03:49,060 I had many partners then, 76 00:03:49,128 --> 00:03:52,029 including a young swain named Bob fosse. 77 00:03:52,097 --> 00:03:53,865 ♪[Music playing] 78 00:03:58,036 --> 00:04:00,171 But as night becomes day, 79 00:04:00,239 --> 00:04:02,574 even debutantes need their rest. 80 00:04:02,642 --> 00:04:03,742 [Belching] 81 00:04:05,210 --> 00:04:06,544 [Whistles] 82 00:04:06,612 --> 00:04:08,980 And who's this fair maiden? 83 00:04:09,047 --> 00:04:12,150 Why, it's f.B.I. Director j. Edgar hoover, 84 00:04:12,217 --> 00:04:13,551 apparently on his way 85 00:04:13,619 --> 00:04:16,087 to the annual f. B.I. Costume ball. 86 00:04:16,155 --> 00:04:18,556 Uh-oh. Don't be late. 87 00:04:18,624 --> 00:04:20,024 Hey, look mom, 88 00:04:20,092 --> 00:04:21,593 you and the hoover came out on the same day. 89 00:04:21,661 --> 00:04:24,462 Don't you say that about your Uncle Edgar. 90 00:04:24,530 --> 00:04:27,699 That debutante ball is a wigglesworth tradition. 91 00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:29,967 To starve yourself to fit into a dress, 92 00:04:30,035 --> 00:04:32,270 to dance with boys who feel you up, 93 00:04:32,338 --> 00:04:34,906 to drink so much you fall into a well. 94 00:04:34,973 --> 00:04:37,041 It's a magical night. 95 00:04:37,109 --> 00:04:39,311 Mother, I'm not going to be a debutante, 96 00:04:39,378 --> 00:04:40,878 and you can't make me. 97 00:04:40,946 --> 00:04:42,314 You have no choice! 98 00:04:42,381 --> 00:04:43,881 I will not be defied! 99 00:04:43,949 --> 00:04:45,049 You're mine! 100 00:04:45,117 --> 00:04:46,451 I own you! 101 00:04:46,519 --> 00:04:49,487 No more wire hangers! 102 00:04:49,555 --> 00:04:52,757 Oh, perhaps I overdid it there. 103 00:04:52,825 --> 00:04:56,594 Jay, you talk to her. You'll change her mind. 104 00:04:56,662 --> 00:04:57,962 But what if I don't? 105 00:04:58,030 --> 00:05:01,165 Then get her to take a bite of this apple. 106 00:05:05,904 --> 00:05:06,838 Hmm. 107 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:10,608 Oh, Jay, you think I'm right, don't you? 108 00:05:10,676 --> 00:05:12,811 Well, sure, but it doesn't matter. 109 00:05:12,878 --> 00:05:14,312 [Grunting] 110 00:05:16,014 --> 00:05:19,116 Mom will keep pecking at you until you cry Uncle. 111 00:05:20,118 --> 00:05:21,886 (Jay) Uncle! Uncle! 112 00:05:23,255 --> 00:05:24,456 Say cheese. 113 00:05:25,891 --> 00:05:29,060 Debutante balls are outdated, elitist and sexist. 114 00:05:29,127 --> 00:05:30,161 You said so yourself 115 00:05:30,229 --> 00:05:32,263 in your review of boyz n the hood. 116 00:05:32,331 --> 00:05:35,266 Yeah, I was really off on a tangent that day. 117 00:05:35,334 --> 00:05:38,002 Can't you help me? Please talk to mom. 118 00:05:38,070 --> 00:05:39,270 All right. 119 00:05:39,338 --> 00:05:41,105 [Chuckling] I do have a way with women. 120 00:05:41,173 --> 00:05:42,807 Over 60. 121 00:05:42,875 --> 00:05:44,008 Thanks. 122 00:05:44,577 --> 00:05:45,710 Mmm. 123 00:05:45,778 --> 00:05:48,045 You know, of all the things in the world, 124 00:05:48,113 --> 00:05:50,482 I love my brother and my horse the most. 125 00:05:50,549 --> 00:05:53,685 If only there was a way I could combine you two. 126 00:06:02,561 --> 00:06:03,695 [Screeching] 127 00:06:03,763 --> 00:06:05,864 Uh, I think I'll go around. 128 00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:09,534 Well, I better go talk to mom, 129 00:06:09,602 --> 00:06:11,436 and see if I can change her mind. 130 00:06:14,239 --> 00:06:16,508 Uh, could you give me some help here? 131 00:06:17,309 --> 00:06:19,043 [Grunting] 132 00:06:19,111 --> 00:06:20,578 [Groaning] 133 00:06:20,646 --> 00:06:22,346 [Cat yowls] 134 00:06:22,415 --> 00:06:23,648 (Jay) Sorry, mittens. 135 00:06:26,084 --> 00:06:29,086 God love her, mom, I couldn't change her mind. 136 00:06:29,154 --> 00:06:31,589 But you should be proud. She has your will. 137 00:06:31,657 --> 00:06:33,525 She may have my will, 138 00:06:33,592 --> 00:06:36,160 but she doesn't have my gun. 139 00:06:36,228 --> 00:06:37,395 [Thunder rumbling] 140 00:06:37,463 --> 00:06:38,596 Look, calm down. 141 00:06:38,664 --> 00:06:40,598 Take some of those pills you got from Dr. Von bulow. 142 00:06:44,703 --> 00:06:45,870 Mmm, mmm, 143 00:06:45,938 --> 00:06:47,806 ah! 144 00:06:47,873 --> 00:06:49,607 What are you doing with that gun? 145 00:06:49,675 --> 00:06:51,476 It's called parenting. 146 00:06:52,511 --> 00:06:53,445 [Gun fires] 147 00:06:54,513 --> 00:06:55,680 Not to worry. 148 00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:01,018 Margo, 149 00:07:01,086 --> 00:07:03,755 if you don't go to the debutante ball, 150 00:07:03,823 --> 00:07:06,057 I'm going to do the rudest thing 151 00:07:06,124 --> 00:07:07,358 I've ever done. 152 00:07:07,426 --> 00:07:09,527 I'm going to shoot your horse. 153 00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:10,495 [Gasps] 154 00:07:11,363 --> 00:07:12,330 You wouldn't! 155 00:07:12,397 --> 00:07:13,565 Just watch me. 156 00:07:13,632 --> 00:07:14,732 But going to the ball 157 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:17,168 means violating everything I stand for. 158 00:07:17,235 --> 00:07:20,037 And you think I like shooting animals? 159 00:07:21,707 --> 00:07:23,040 I'm begging you, don't. 160 00:07:23,108 --> 00:07:24,609 On the count of 4. 161 00:07:24,677 --> 00:07:26,043 Stop! 1... 162 00:07:26,111 --> 00:07:27,311 Jay, do something. 163 00:07:27,379 --> 00:07:28,646 2! 164 00:07:28,714 --> 00:07:30,381 Should I jump on the horse and ride it away? 165 00:07:30,449 --> 00:07:33,050 It'd be less cruel to shoot it. 3! 166 00:07:33,118 --> 00:07:34,085 Wait! 167 00:07:34,152 --> 00:07:35,687 [Gun cocking] 4. 168 00:07:35,754 --> 00:07:36,788 Ok! 169 00:07:37,422 --> 00:07:38,890 I'll go. 170 00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:40,925 Oh, darling. 171 00:07:41,426 --> 00:07:42,627 Mmm. 172 00:07:42,695 --> 00:07:46,564 Now, I hope you're not just doing this for me. 173 00:07:56,074 --> 00:07:58,142 (Doris) "Tuchis by surprise"? 174 00:07:58,210 --> 00:07:59,477 [Laughing] 175 00:08:01,947 --> 00:08:03,214 [Laughing] 176 00:08:04,349 --> 00:08:05,617 Hi, kids! 177 00:08:05,684 --> 00:08:08,119 Our friends, rabbit de niro, 178 00:08:08,186 --> 00:08:09,754 Burt bacharaccoon, 179 00:08:09,822 --> 00:08:12,123 and Robin, the blood-sucking leech, 180 00:08:12,190 --> 00:08:13,691 are coming over. 181 00:08:13,759 --> 00:08:15,693 You know what that means. 182 00:08:15,761 --> 00:08:17,829 ♪ They'll be comin' up the driveway ♪ 183 00:08:17,897 --> 00:08:18,963 ♪ when they come 184 00:08:19,031 --> 00:08:20,264 (all) ♪ yee-haw 185 00:08:20,332 --> 00:08:21,866 ♪ they'll be comin' up the driveway ♪ 186 00:08:21,934 --> 00:08:23,134 ♪ when they come 187 00:08:23,201 --> 00:08:25,201 (all) ♪ yee-haw 188 00:08:26,739 --> 00:08:28,372 you know why nobody watches your show? 189 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:29,807 Because it's intelligent? 190 00:08:29,875 --> 00:08:31,442 Well, that's one of your problems. 191 00:08:31,510 --> 00:08:34,012 But I'm really worried about the show you're up against, 192 00:08:34,079 --> 00:08:36,014 some kind of a puke-green dog. 193 00:08:36,081 --> 00:08:37,048 It's a hippo. 194 00:08:37,115 --> 00:08:38,115 Hippo? 195 00:08:38,183 --> 00:08:40,251 You don't have a prayer, son. 196 00:08:42,955 --> 00:08:44,822 Kids love that guy. 197 00:08:44,890 --> 00:08:47,191 So? Kids don't watch my show. 198 00:08:47,259 --> 00:08:49,293 Well, they did. Our testing showed 199 00:08:49,361 --> 00:08:51,896 you reminded them of the pillsbury doughboy. 200 00:08:53,265 --> 00:08:54,666 [Giggling] 201 00:08:54,733 --> 00:08:55,700 Don't! 202 00:08:55,768 --> 00:08:57,602 I find that so demeaning. 203 00:08:57,670 --> 00:08:59,136 [Giggling] 204 00:08:59,204 --> 00:09:00,672 Hey, look. The doughboy and I 205 00:09:00,739 --> 00:09:02,406 happen to be ticklish in the same spot, 206 00:09:02,474 --> 00:09:04,208 but that doesn't give you the right to... 207 00:09:04,276 --> 00:09:05,677 [giggling] 208 00:09:05,744 --> 00:09:08,913 Son, from now on, we fight fire with fire. 209 00:09:08,981 --> 00:09:10,481 I want you to be my hippo. 210 00:09:10,549 --> 00:09:12,316 Look, I'm flattered, but... 211 00:09:12,384 --> 00:09:14,085 dance for me, Jay, dance! 212 00:09:14,152 --> 00:09:15,419 I don't have to dance. 213 00:09:15,487 --> 00:09:17,121 Yes, you do. It's in your contract. 214 00:09:17,189 --> 00:09:19,457 I believe the contract I signed 215 00:09:19,524 --> 00:09:21,258 called for me to "prance." 216 00:09:28,100 --> 00:09:29,968 You win this round, sherman. 217 00:09:34,539 --> 00:09:35,740 Here's the latest film 218 00:09:35,808 --> 00:09:37,408 from the people who brought you Howard's end, 219 00:09:37,476 --> 00:09:40,444 an e.M. Forster story called the tea cozy. 220 00:09:40,512 --> 00:09:42,379 This film gets my highest rating, 221 00:09:42,447 --> 00:09:43,581 7 out of 10. 222 00:09:45,784 --> 00:09:48,853 I want you to have my tea cozy. 223 00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:51,823 I know it's fallen into disrepair, 224 00:09:51,890 --> 00:09:54,626 but you can make it grand again. 225 00:09:54,693 --> 00:09:56,327 Dear Mrs. dinwiddie, 226 00:09:56,394 --> 00:09:58,395 I shall treasure it forever. 227 00:09:58,463 --> 00:10:00,397 Come, tea cozy, 228 00:10:00,465 --> 00:10:04,268 find comfort in my bosom one last time. 229 00:10:04,336 --> 00:10:06,403 It's just a ratty old tea cozy. 230 00:10:07,006 --> 00:10:08,172 Oh! Oh! 231 00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:10,642 [Groaning] 232 00:10:10,709 --> 00:10:13,044 What's the devil is a tea cozy? 233 00:10:13,112 --> 00:10:14,578 And why aren't you prancing? 234 00:10:14,647 --> 00:10:16,948 Don't worry. I have a big joke coming up. 235 00:10:18,450 --> 00:10:19,583 So run, 236 00:10:19,652 --> 00:10:23,054 don't mosey, to the tea cozy. 237 00:10:23,122 --> 00:10:25,322 It really hits the spot. 238 00:10:25,390 --> 00:10:26,658 [Laughing] 239 00:10:28,426 --> 00:10:29,426 (Duke) Where's the joke? 240 00:10:29,494 --> 00:10:31,162 (Man whispering) Sir, we're on the air. 241 00:10:31,229 --> 00:10:33,297 I know we're on air, but where's the joke? 242 00:10:33,365 --> 00:10:35,099 Uh, it was more of a bon mot. 243 00:10:36,935 --> 00:10:39,971 See how pretty you look when you smile? 244 00:10:40,039 --> 00:10:43,041 And we're not even finished yet. 245 00:10:43,108 --> 00:10:45,943 Oopsie. I swallowed a pin. 246 00:10:46,011 --> 00:10:47,912 That's going to be a fun little journey. 247 00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:50,782 Now, mama, I need to speak with my client alone, so get out. 248 00:10:50,849 --> 00:10:53,551 Go on, shoo. Here's the skinny. 249 00:10:53,618 --> 00:10:55,720 We dressmakers have a very strict code, 250 00:10:55,788 --> 00:10:56,988 so I need to know, 251 00:10:57,056 --> 00:10:59,057 do you deserve to wear virginal white? 252 00:10:59,124 --> 00:11:00,224 Because if you don't, 253 00:11:00,292 --> 00:11:01,726 you'll have to wear an off-white, 254 00:11:01,794 --> 00:11:03,427 what we call a hussy white. 255 00:11:04,596 --> 00:11:06,164 So which will it be, 256 00:11:06,231 --> 00:11:07,298 white-white? 257 00:11:07,933 --> 00:11:09,266 Yes. 258 00:11:09,334 --> 00:11:10,334 Um... 259 00:11:10,402 --> 00:11:11,602 Except for the gloves. 260 00:11:12,237 --> 00:11:14,405 [Cars honking] 261 00:11:14,472 --> 00:11:16,473 What video do you want to rent, dad? 262 00:11:16,541 --> 00:11:18,076 Son, how would you feel 263 00:11:18,143 --> 00:11:20,044 about renting the 13-hour version 264 00:11:20,112 --> 00:11:22,246 of Berlin alexanderplatz? 265 00:11:22,314 --> 00:11:23,414 Again? 266 00:11:24,449 --> 00:11:25,649 Humphrey's inside. 267 00:11:25,718 --> 00:11:27,685 He's autographing his new rap video, 268 00:11:27,753 --> 00:11:29,220 hug da police. 269 00:11:29,287 --> 00:11:30,321 Oh! 270 00:11:30,388 --> 00:11:31,956 Now, remember, kids. 271 00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:34,826 You can be anything you want. 272 00:11:34,893 --> 00:11:37,695 Except for a doofus in a hippo costume. 273 00:11:37,763 --> 00:11:39,363 That job's taken. 274 00:11:39,431 --> 00:11:43,201 Hey! It's grumpy old film critic Jay sherman. 275 00:11:43,969 --> 00:11:45,302 (All) Boo! 276 00:11:45,370 --> 00:11:46,637 Please, kids, 277 00:11:46,705 --> 00:11:49,841 my philosophy is "love and dance," 278 00:11:49,908 --> 00:11:52,210 not "hate and not dance." 279 00:11:52,277 --> 00:11:54,946 Jay, would you like to dance with me? 280 00:11:55,013 --> 00:11:56,680 No, I would not like to dance. 281 00:11:56,749 --> 00:11:58,983 You're an insipid walking commercial, 282 00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:01,552 and your cereal turned my urine pink. 283 00:12:01,620 --> 00:12:04,822 Well, you have to eat 6 bowls for that to happen. 284 00:12:04,890 --> 00:12:07,324 Yes, yes. And a gallon of chocolate milk, 285 00:12:07,392 --> 00:12:08,760 but that's not the point. 286 00:12:08,827 --> 00:12:11,095 I think America's children are our future, 287 00:12:11,163 --> 00:12:14,031 not the opportunity to make a quick buck. 288 00:12:14,099 --> 00:12:15,399 You should be ashamed. 289 00:12:18,303 --> 00:12:19,937 He made Humphrey sad. 290 00:12:20,005 --> 00:12:21,272 Break his thumbs! 291 00:12:21,339 --> 00:12:22,974 [All chattering angrily] 292 00:12:23,041 --> 00:12:24,575 Let's get out of here, son. 293 00:12:24,643 --> 00:12:25,910 Oh, this is worse than the time 294 00:12:25,978 --> 00:12:28,880 you sucker-punched Mr. Rogers. 295 00:12:28,947 --> 00:12:32,683 I found a boy to escort our margo to the ball. 296 00:12:32,751 --> 00:12:36,387 His name is reeve winthrop xiv. 297 00:12:36,454 --> 00:12:38,589 And look at this. 298 00:12:38,657 --> 00:12:40,424 Actual blue blood. 299 00:12:40,492 --> 00:12:42,660 He can only receive transfusions 300 00:12:42,727 --> 00:12:46,497 from George plimpton and Mrs. Walter cronkite. 301 00:12:46,564 --> 00:12:47,965 Tell me, reeve, 302 00:12:48,033 --> 00:12:49,566 what's 7 times 8? 303 00:12:49,634 --> 00:12:50,668 Uh... 304 00:12:52,504 --> 00:12:53,671 13? 305 00:12:53,738 --> 00:12:55,539 Sharp as a tack. 306 00:12:55,607 --> 00:12:56,908 As I suspected. 307 00:12:56,975 --> 00:12:59,543 All that inbreeding has rendered him an idiot. 308 00:12:59,611 --> 00:13:00,711 I said I'd go, 309 00:13:00,779 --> 00:13:02,914 but if I do, I'm going with Jay. 310 00:13:02,981 --> 00:13:05,283 Well, I think reeve's adorable. 311 00:13:05,350 --> 00:13:07,718 And if you won't go to the ball with him, 312 00:13:07,786 --> 00:13:09,353 I will. 313 00:13:09,421 --> 00:13:10,721 What about me? 314 00:13:10,789 --> 00:13:13,891 I was just going to give you some rubber bands to play with, 315 00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:15,659 but if you want to, 316 00:13:15,727 --> 00:13:17,361 you can come. 317 00:13:17,429 --> 00:13:19,663 Oh, I could've had rubber bands. 318 00:13:20,966 --> 00:13:22,266 A debutante ball? 319 00:13:22,334 --> 00:13:24,635 I don't know. Let me check my calendar. 320 00:13:24,703 --> 00:13:26,204 Oh, Ethel. 321 00:13:26,271 --> 00:13:28,272 What's on the docket for next Friday night? 322 00:13:28,340 --> 00:13:30,908 [In a woman's voice] That's the night you promised you'd take me 323 00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:33,911 to the rainbow room, where we'll dance to the sounds of skip Martin 324 00:13:33,979 --> 00:13:35,112 and his orchestra. 325 00:13:36,681 --> 00:13:38,515 You heard the lady, margo. 326 00:13:38,583 --> 00:13:39,750 Skip Martin? 327 00:13:39,818 --> 00:13:41,919 [In a woman's voice] Yes, skip Martin. 328 00:13:41,987 --> 00:13:42,920 Please, Jay. 329 00:13:42,988 --> 00:13:44,621 I can't get through this without you. 330 00:13:44,689 --> 00:13:46,023 Well, all right. We'll have fun. 331 00:13:52,197 --> 00:13:54,665 You were quite a looker, Mr. s. 332 00:13:54,733 --> 00:13:56,133 Thank you, Ethel. 333 00:13:56,201 --> 00:13:57,869 You know that analyst said I should stop doing this. 334 00:13:57,936 --> 00:13:58,970 He's a quack! 335 00:13:59,037 --> 00:14:00,738 Right as always, Ethel. 336 00:14:06,378 --> 00:14:07,311 [Slurping] 337 00:14:08,413 --> 00:14:09,981 More rose petals! 338 00:14:11,516 --> 00:14:13,050 More fresh milk! 339 00:14:13,818 --> 00:14:14,852 [Mooing] 340 00:14:16,388 --> 00:14:17,922 [With British accent] Suck it in. 341 00:14:17,990 --> 00:14:20,992 Suck it in! 342 00:14:21,059 --> 00:14:23,194 There. The deed is done. 343 00:14:23,262 --> 00:14:25,363 I don't think this is right. 344 00:14:25,430 --> 00:14:26,797 It's fine. Here's your hat. 345 00:14:26,865 --> 00:14:28,532 Now, get going. 346 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,768 Ow, ow, ow, ow... 347 00:14:30,835 --> 00:14:31,903 [Cat yowls] 348 00:14:31,970 --> 00:14:32,937 Sorry, mittens. 349 00:14:33,005 --> 00:14:35,106 Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. 350 00:14:43,448 --> 00:14:45,349 Hi, ma. How do you like the tux? 351 00:14:45,417 --> 00:14:49,486 Oh, Jay, you look good enough to bury. 352 00:14:55,827 --> 00:14:58,796 I did this to save my horse's life. 353 00:14:58,863 --> 00:15:00,497 We're all ready to go, dad. 354 00:15:00,565 --> 00:15:02,033 ♪ Ho, ho, ho 355 00:15:02,100 --> 00:15:03,634 ♪ stick out your toe 356 00:15:03,701 --> 00:15:05,236 ♪ hee, hee, hee 357 00:15:05,304 --> 00:15:07,671 ♪ stick out your knee 358 00:15:07,739 --> 00:15:10,041 [tires screeching] 359 00:15:10,108 --> 00:15:12,576 I just want everybody to know before I get in 360 00:15:12,644 --> 00:15:16,180 that I'm only doing this because I was forced to. 361 00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:18,316 And I want everyone to know before I get in 362 00:15:18,383 --> 00:15:20,684 that I had a big Mexican lunch. 363 00:15:20,752 --> 00:15:22,853 Hey, don't worry about it. 364 00:15:22,921 --> 00:15:26,457 I once drove James coco home after a Texas chili cook-off. 365 00:15:32,864 --> 00:15:34,832 Gentlemen, you're probably wondering 366 00:15:34,899 --> 00:15:37,168 why I called this board meeting. 367 00:15:39,338 --> 00:15:41,372 How far we've come. 368 00:15:42,907 --> 00:15:44,508 ♪[Piano playing] 369 00:15:46,979 --> 00:15:48,912 Excuse me, may I have your autograph? 370 00:15:48,981 --> 00:15:50,681 Oh, for the 3rd time tonight, 371 00:15:50,748 --> 00:15:52,383 I'm not Roger ebert. 372 00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:54,385 I know. You're Jay sherman, 373 00:15:54,453 --> 00:15:56,520 and you're much cuter than Roger ebert. 374 00:15:56,588 --> 00:15:58,990 Wow. Cuter than Roger ebert? 375 00:15:59,057 --> 00:16:01,993 [Purring] 376 00:16:02,060 --> 00:16:05,096 There, look at that: Skank central station. 377 00:16:05,864 --> 00:16:07,999 [Laughing] 378 00:16:08,066 --> 00:16:10,801 I guess you'd know, being dork authority. 379 00:16:10,869 --> 00:16:11,869 Oh, man. 380 00:16:11,936 --> 00:16:13,670 That chick just one-upped us. 381 00:16:13,738 --> 00:16:16,607 Let's get drunk fast and not talk to anybody. 382 00:16:19,344 --> 00:16:22,579 Debutantes, please step forward. 383 00:16:22,647 --> 00:16:24,215 I've got to see my niece. 384 00:16:24,282 --> 00:16:25,616 I'll meet you in half an hour 385 00:16:25,683 --> 00:16:27,051 under the blue whale. 386 00:16:27,119 --> 00:16:28,352 I'll wear a carnation 387 00:16:28,420 --> 00:16:30,121 so you'll know which one is me. 388 00:16:30,188 --> 00:16:32,123 [Laughing] 389 00:16:35,494 --> 00:16:37,428 Now, before the dancing gets started, 390 00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:38,729 I'd like to take a moment 391 00:16:38,796 --> 00:16:41,265 to remind everyone what we're here for. 392 00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,967 To see those nitro-burning funny cars. 393 00:16:44,036 --> 00:16:45,503 Vroom! Vroom! 394 00:16:45,570 --> 00:16:47,771 We're here to help those who have suffered 395 00:16:47,839 --> 00:16:50,141 massive head injuries. 396 00:16:50,208 --> 00:16:51,509 [Groaning] 397 00:16:54,079 --> 00:16:55,479 Debutantes... 398 00:16:58,083 --> 00:16:59,483 ♪[Pitch pipe playing] 399 00:16:59,551 --> 00:17:04,321 ♪ Well, I think I'm goin' out of my head ♪ 400 00:17:04,389 --> 00:17:08,392 ♪ yes, I think I'm goin' out of my head ♪ 401 00:17:08,460 --> 00:17:11,295 ♪ over you 402 00:17:13,665 --> 00:17:15,866 ♪ I want you 403 00:17:15,934 --> 00:17:18,202 ♪ to want me 404 00:17:18,270 --> 00:17:20,804 ♪ I need you so badly 405 00:17:20,872 --> 00:17:21,872 ♪ I can't think 406 00:17:21,940 --> 00:17:25,276 ♪ of anything but you 407 00:17:25,343 --> 00:17:26,577 whoop! 408 00:17:26,644 --> 00:17:28,011 You know the sound whales make 409 00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:29,213 when they're in love? 410 00:17:29,281 --> 00:17:31,715 [High-pitched squeaking] 411 00:17:32,750 --> 00:17:33,951 [Giggling] 412 00:17:34,886 --> 00:17:38,422 ♪ Goin' out of my head 413 00:17:38,490 --> 00:17:40,424 ♪ cha-cha-cha 414 00:17:40,492 --> 00:17:42,493 thank you, girls. Lovely. 415 00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:45,162 And now, our special guests will go back 416 00:17:45,230 --> 00:17:48,199 to the massive head injury fun room. 417 00:17:48,266 --> 00:17:51,034 [Moaning] 418 00:17:51,103 --> 00:17:53,937 For the rest of you, back to the ball! 419 00:17:54,005 --> 00:17:57,208 No, wait. I have something to say. 420 00:17:57,275 --> 00:18:01,078 Oh, God! Franklin, she'll embarrass us. 421 00:18:01,146 --> 00:18:03,180 [Gagging] 422 00:18:05,617 --> 00:18:07,751 This whole evening makes me sick. 423 00:18:07,819 --> 00:18:09,620 It's just a tasteless contest 424 00:18:09,687 --> 00:18:12,022 to see who can waste the most money. 425 00:18:12,090 --> 00:18:13,991 People are starving outside 426 00:18:14,058 --> 00:18:16,660 while you sit here stuffing your faces. 427 00:18:16,728 --> 00:18:17,828 Hmm? 428 00:18:17,895 --> 00:18:19,396 The money we spend here tonight 429 00:18:19,464 --> 00:18:22,199 could keep this museum open on weekends. 430 00:18:22,267 --> 00:18:23,300 [Static buzz] 431 00:18:23,368 --> 00:18:25,469 Betty, Veronica, take her out. 432 00:18:26,070 --> 00:18:27,138 Hmm? 433 00:18:27,205 --> 00:18:28,205 [Both grunting] 434 00:18:29,874 --> 00:18:32,243 ♪[Playing rapidly] 435 00:18:32,310 --> 00:18:33,644 Well, I liked what you said. 436 00:18:33,711 --> 00:18:35,479 I haven't seen such courage 437 00:18:35,547 --> 00:18:38,382 since I panned driving miss Daisy. 438 00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:39,650 Oh, you, hush. 439 00:18:39,717 --> 00:18:41,785 [Subserviently] Yes, miss Eleanor. 440 00:18:41,853 --> 00:18:43,820 I was looking all over for you. 441 00:18:43,888 --> 00:18:46,790 Ah. The 3 most important women in my life, 442 00:18:46,858 --> 00:18:49,893 my mother, my sister, and you. 443 00:18:49,961 --> 00:18:51,495 Uh... uh... uh... 444 00:18:51,563 --> 00:18:53,364 [Imitating Jerry lewis] Nice lady. 445 00:18:53,431 --> 00:18:54,965 If you think I'm nice now, 446 00:18:55,033 --> 00:18:56,267 come back to my place. 447 00:18:56,334 --> 00:18:59,203 I'd love to, but I kinda have a date. 448 00:18:59,271 --> 00:19:01,372 Don't be silly. You guys go ahead. 449 00:19:01,439 --> 00:19:02,439 I'll be fine. 450 00:19:02,507 --> 00:19:03,407 Thank you. 451 00:19:04,376 --> 00:19:05,576 [Leering] 452 00:19:06,811 --> 00:19:09,513 Oh, I hope she'll at least sleep with him 453 00:19:09,581 --> 00:19:11,582 before she kills him. 454 00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:13,817 Enjoy your party, dear. 455 00:19:16,588 --> 00:19:19,490 [Moaning] 456 00:19:24,028 --> 00:19:26,163 Wait here. I'll be right back. 457 00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:30,033 Yes, yes, yes! 458 00:19:30,101 --> 00:19:31,868 Oh, Jay. 459 00:19:31,936 --> 00:19:33,937 You have such beautiful eyes. 460 00:19:34,005 --> 00:19:36,640 Yes, Jay. But there's a terrible secret 461 00:19:36,708 --> 00:19:38,309 that awaits you below my waist. 462 00:19:38,376 --> 00:19:41,178 Ooh, a terrible secret! 463 00:19:41,246 --> 00:19:42,680 Well, let's just have a look-see. 464 00:19:46,351 --> 00:19:47,918 Hotchie motchie! 465 00:19:47,985 --> 00:19:49,486 You're Humphrey, the hippo! 466 00:19:49,554 --> 00:19:51,888 [As humphrey] That's my name. Don't wear it out! 467 00:19:51,956 --> 00:19:53,224 [Guffawing] 468 00:19:53,291 --> 00:19:56,059 But seriously, Jay, I've been attracted to you 469 00:19:56,127 --> 00:19:58,161 since I saw you in the video store. 470 00:19:58,230 --> 00:20:01,198 Oh, my God. 471 00:20:01,266 --> 00:20:03,166 I can't believe I'm going to make love 472 00:20:03,235 --> 00:20:05,336 with the thing I have the most contempt for in the world. 473 00:20:05,403 --> 00:20:07,204 We are going to make love, aren't we? 474 00:20:07,272 --> 00:20:09,473 Oh, lord, please say yes! 475 00:20:11,376 --> 00:20:12,576 Yes, Jay. 476 00:20:16,481 --> 00:20:19,916 [Zipper unzipping] 477 00:20:19,984 --> 00:20:22,720 (Jay) Oh, it's good to get out of these pants! 478 00:20:26,658 --> 00:20:28,959 Hey, why so glum, chum? 479 00:20:29,026 --> 00:20:30,361 [Sniffling] 480 00:20:30,428 --> 00:20:32,763 Because not one of those worthless, stuck-up boys 481 00:20:32,830 --> 00:20:34,498 asked me to dance. 482 00:20:34,566 --> 00:20:37,033 Look, there's something you should know about me. 483 00:20:37,101 --> 00:20:39,303 I'm not just a limo driver. 484 00:20:39,371 --> 00:20:40,571 I'm also... 485 00:20:40,639 --> 00:20:41,972 A bartender. 486 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:44,141 Wow! 487 00:20:44,208 --> 00:20:46,009 May I have this dance? 488 00:20:46,944 --> 00:20:48,712 ♪[Music playing] 489 00:20:53,818 --> 00:20:56,253 ♪ Do you know the muffin man ♪ 490 00:20:56,321 --> 00:20:59,022 ♪ the muffin man, the muffin man ♪ 491 00:20:59,090 --> 00:21:01,558 ♪ do you know the muffin man ♪ 492 00:21:01,626 --> 00:21:04,428 ♪ who lives on drury Lane? ♪ 493 00:21:04,496 --> 00:21:06,096 [smacking lips] 494 00:21:06,164 --> 00:21:07,498 Mmm. 495 00:21:07,565 --> 00:21:09,132 Wow. It's amazing 496 00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:11,168 that a man so inadequate in bed 497 00:21:11,235 --> 00:21:14,204 could be so relaxed and unconcerned. 498 00:21:14,272 --> 00:21:15,673 What did you say? 499 00:21:15,740 --> 00:21:17,541 You were great, tiger. 500 00:21:18,310 --> 00:21:19,510 [Snoring] 501 00:21:25,483 --> 00:21:29,252 I forgot what a marvelous dancer you are. 502 00:21:29,321 --> 00:21:32,456 And I forgot to turn the oven off. 503 00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:37,861 Burn, baby, burn. 504 00:21:41,566 --> 00:21:43,567 Hello. I'm Jay sherman. 505 00:21:43,635 --> 00:21:45,902 Please don't give away the horrifying twist 506 00:21:45,970 --> 00:21:47,671 in this week's episode. 507 00:21:47,739 --> 00:21:52,008 Also, don't tell anyone about the James coco chili joke. 508 00:21:52,076 --> 00:21:54,578 I'm pretty ashamed of that one myself. 509 00:21:54,646 --> 00:21:57,013 Thank you, and good night! 510 00:21:57,081 --> 00:21:58,816 Jay, you can't end it like that. 511 00:21:58,883 --> 00:22:00,317 You got to leave 'em with a laugh. 512 00:22:00,385 --> 00:22:02,753 I don't feel like laughing. 513 00:22:02,821 --> 00:22:04,855 [Giggling] 514 00:22:04,922 --> 00:22:07,023 I think you bruised my kidney that time. 515 00:22:07,091 --> 00:22:08,392 [Giggling] 516 00:22:17,836 --> 00:22:19,135 [Munching] 517 00:22:23,007 --> 00:22:23,940 [Slurping] 518 00:22:59,277 --> 00:23:01,211 (Jay) Some celebrity voices are impersonated. 519 00:23:01,279 --> 00:23:02,413 No celebrities were harmed 520 00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:04,681 in the filming of this episode. 521 00:23:07,652 --> 00:23:09,386 Excuse me, sir. The show's over. 522 00:23:09,454 --> 00:23:11,455 Get away, zitface. 523 00:23:11,523 --> 00:23:12,823 [Chattering] 524 00:23:12,891 --> 00:23:13,824 Shh.