[Phone ringing]
Hello.
(Ardeth) Jay, this is your ex-wife.
Your alimony check is 18 minutes late.
No, 19 minutes.
That's it. I'm calling my lawyer.
[Ice cracking]
[All shouting]
[All groaning]
[Screaming]
[Splashing]
It stinks.
[Clicks]
I've got to tell you,
I hated that scene in Jurassic park
where you spit poison in the obnoxious fat guy's face.
[Snarling]
I did not see that coming.
(Announcer) It's the coming attractions 1,000th episode special,
with guest star meryl streep!
I'm your announcer skip bisbee.
And here's your host,
Jay sherman!
Uh, hello.
Welcome to our 1,000th show.
Wow! 1,000 shows!
In that time, we've seen Sylvester Stallone
rise and fall, rise and fall.
Fall further, and then somehow rise again.
Who could survive rhinestone?
He's not human, I tell you!
Anyway, let's look at some clips.
The first is my legendary interview with Cher.
You no good...
[Bleeping]
You...Piece...
Kiss my white feminine toned and tattooed...
[Bleeping]
A very classy lady.
Now, to help me celebrate my 1,000th show,
we have a very special guest, meryl...
Don't worry. We have t.V.'S Batman, Adam west, standing by.
Adam west?
What the hell am I gonna say to Adam w...
- -ell, I'll say, thank you
for the years of laughter and tears.
What tears would those be?
Why, tears of laughter.
Ha-ha.
Oh!
Tell us all about your amazing film career.
Well, Jay, one of my most amazing films
is the happy hooker goes Hollywood.
It came out in 1980.
It's one I'm sure you enjoyed all the way to the end.
All right. Thank you. We're out of time.
I just got here.
Coming up next...
(director) Lorne Greene.
Lorne Greene's dead.
Man, I wish I had his agent.
The place is empty.
Are you sure you sent out enough invitations?
We sent them to everyone
who's ever worked in film or television.
Did you ever hear of a thing called radio?
Fibber McGee sent you this fruit basket.
Feh!
Oh, and you also got this card from your makeup lady.
(Doris) "Dear Mr. sherman,
"if it weren't for an untimely death in my family,
i would have been at your party. Doris."
Come on! Spin!
[Ball rumbling]
[Pins tumbling]
Yes!
[Door opening]
Son, you're losing it.
There was a day when this room would've been 1/3 full.
[Sighs]
Well, you know what the problem is?
You've made me compromise my integrity so many times,
people think I'm a joke.
Jay, you've got a very valid point.
But on the other hand, shut up!
Sir, yes, sir!
Your problem is you're starting to repeat yourself.
Rainman...
A few good men...
The firm...
[Echoing] Is the latest stinker from tom cruise.
He doesn't act anymore.
He's on cruise control.
[Laughing]
I just... I just made that up!
Hotchie motchie!
Bottom line, Jay, your show's in serious trouble.
Oh, Mr. sherman,
I'm Paulina Simms, president of your fan club.
Wow! My own fan club. Hear that?
I have all your albums and teen beat interviews.
Would you sing the theme from
here come the brides, for me, please?
Wait a minute.
You think he's Bobby sherman.
Shh!
♪ The bluest skies you've ever seen ♪
♪ in Seattle
♪ and the hills, the greenest green ♪
♪ in Seattle
how are you?
♪ Like a beautiful child
♪ growing up free and wild ♪
♪ in Seattle
yeah!
Oh!
What's the matter, mate?
You look like a busker who's lost his didgeridoo.
What does that mean?
I forget, I left Australia when I was 4.
I'm worried that I'm losing it.
I'm 36 years old. I'm not what I used to be.
When I was in college, man,
I could go at it all night long.
It's lap 397 in the Jay sherman 500!
Vroom! Vroom! Vroom! Vroom!
Vroom!
Hey, Jay, we broke my bed.
Could we use yours?
Ok, but your car is 4 laps behind.
Ah, loser.
Now I'm sitting by, watching my career fade to black.
Don't worry. It's not how old you are.
It's how old people think you are.
Excuse me, are you the late enrico caruso?
No!
Listen, because you're my friend and I love you,
I'll let you in on a little secret.
I'm actually 43 years old.
You're 43 years old?
[All gasping]
Tonight on hard copy:
Jeremy hawke caught in love nest
with the queen mother and rose Kennedy.
(Announcer) Viewer disclaimer: For purposes of infotainment,
rose and the queen will be played by the Barbie twins.
Hey, I don't want to say Jeremy hawke is old.
But when he went to the d.M.V. To get his driver's license,
there was no line.
[Purring cat call]
Hey, that's old, man. Whoa!
I haven't seen a wave this big
since delta Burke did a belly flop
into Shelly winters' jacuzzi.
Listen, Jay, I'm gonna give you something that's gonna change your life.
"Adolf hitmaker, personal image consultant"?
Go for it, mate.
Climb the highest eucalyptus tree you can find.
Guzzle life's beer till you chunder.
Wow! That is really inspiring.
Yeah, I gave that speech in my after-school special:
Days of beer and chundering.
Hmm. Where to begin?
I know, you're going to tell me to lose weight.
Don't you dare.
If you want the world to love you, you must be big and jolly,
like Santa claus or rush limbaugh!
You mean I can eat whatever I want?
Wow!
You're not just some quack, are you?
A quack? Could a quack have escaped
from a mental hospital in the Philippines?
I don't think so.
[Munching]
Even for a sequel, refried green tomatoes
is a delicious treat!
Coming up next, the latest from John candy.
Mmm. Don't mind if I do.
Check it out. Ebert ate siskel.
That Adolf hitmaker does good work.
And each t.V. Comes with state-of-the-art, digitally enhanced sound.
[Jay belching]
Now, don't worry, Mr. sherman.
This liposuction machine will promptly remove
all excess fat.
[Machine chugging]
[Ice cream truck chiming]
Ice cream man!
[Clattering]
Hey, that's my chair!
We're cutting back.
Just lost 3 more sponsors.
You can't be taking my chair to save money!
All right. I'm taking it to spite your low-rated,
Spielberg-hating, toilet seat-destroying butt!
Don't listen to him, my pet.
Listen, pufnstuf, you want to save your show,
you've got to come up with some better material!
Doris, I do not want to be disturbed for the next 2 hours.
I'm going to be sitting in my office without any clothes on.
Well, there goes the very last of my sex drive.
No. You don't understand. Being naked inspires me artistically.
Ernest Hemingway, he used to write standing up.
Agatha christie used to write in the bathtub while eating apples.
Please, keep talking.
The spray makes me feels like I'm at coney island.
Whatever comes now, comes from deep within my soul.
I...
Feel cold.
[Ripping]
I...
Hate vinyl.
Jay, son, I came here to fire you.
But seeing me here naked, at my most vulnerable,
you don't have the heart?
Wake up, nude boy.
You can't fire someone like this.
It's just too humiliating.
Please, Duke, look in your heart.
I'm begging you. Look in your heart.
Uh, mr Phillips, I'm from a disreputable supermarket tabloid and...
I won't need a minute more of your time.
[Knocking]
Get out.
Well, all right,
but there's one thing you can't take: My dignity.
[Grunting]
Go fetch, boy.
Hey, Bernie, my favorite agent.
Hey, you,
my favorite...
Guy or girl?
I'm a man.
Sorry. I thought you were the pat character
from Saturday night live.
Is it a man, is it a woman? Who the hell cares?
The kids seem to like it... To a point.
And what's with airline peanuts these days?
I mean you need a wrench to open the bag!
[Sighs]
I'm a client. Don't you recognize me?
Sure, I do. You're...
Stubby kaye?
No, I'm Jay sherman!
I can't believe this.
You don't even know me, and I stuck by you when everybody said
you were a sleazy, incompetent leech.
Bull's-eye! That's Bernie all over.
Look, can't you help me?
I... I'm out of work.
Well, I've got this one job,
but I think it's beneath you.
I'll take it. Believe me, I'm at the end of my rope.
Wait a minute. It's not on fox, is it?
No. I'll take it!
[Yawning]
Hello. It's 6:00 A.M.,
and this is English for cab drivers.
Good morning, class.
[All speaking foreign languages]
My life is a living hell.
[All speaking foreign languages]
The only thing that gets me through the day
is lithium.
(All) Lithium!
Wow, dad!
I can't believe you're actually letting us see your student film.
I was in a student film once. Well, it wasn't a student film actually,
although it had several women dressed as cheerleaders.
I played Professor spankum.
How come you're showing this movie now?
Because I've been re-evaluating my life, son.
I wanted to remember what it was
that made me want to get into film in the first place.
[Chomping]
[Beeping]
(Jay) L'artiste est morte,
written, directed, edited, starring
and catered by Jay Prescott sherman.
[Sighing]
I am prometheus sherman,
the last man on earth.
So alone. So alone. So alone!
[Sobbing]
♪[Classical choral music playing]
My, darling, I've always loved...
oh, no! Promootheus!
Prometheus.
[Film flapping in projector]
I know. It stinks.
Tonight we continue with the later works of Orson welles.
[Beeping]
A rich, full-bodied wine,
sensibly priced at $1 a jug.
Now for a little magic. I will make this jug disappear.
[Guzzling]
Professor blauhardt, remember me?
Indeed I do.
Class, this is stubby kaye.
No. I'm Jay sherman.
I came here for guidance.
Jay, you weren't meant to create.
You were meant to tear apart.
I was?
You were born to nitpick what others poured their hearts and souls into.
I shall! I shall!
Be a truth teller!
I will, you pompous windbag.
Learn from this man, class.
We should all be such independent thinkers.
(All) Be an independent thinker.
Roll the next clip.
[Beeping]
Rosebud.
Yes, rosebud frozen peas,
full of country goodness and green pea-ness.
Wait, that's terrible. I quit.
Just a handful for the road.
[Chomping]
Oh, what luck, there's a French fry stuck in my beard.
[Munching]
Oh, yeah.
There's only one way back to respectability.
I've got to win another pulitzer prize.
I remember when you came into my life,
you modest 9-by-12 certificate.
♪ I'm a maniac
♪ maniac on the floor
♪ and I'm dancin'
♪ like I've never danced before ♪
[crunching sound]
[Grunting]
Hello, baby. You know what this is?
Your dog tags from the battle of the nerds.
You're mean.
Eww, I don't like that memory at all.
But wait, let's look at it again
through the magic of self-delusion.
♪ I'm a maniac
♪ maniac on the floor
♪ and I'm dancin'
♪ like I've never danced before ♪
hello, baby. You know what this is?
Your pulitzer prize, you luscious lump of a man.
Mmm.
[All clapping]
Wow. I've got my denial mojo working.
Well, back to work. Got to win the pulitzer prize.
First I need a topic.
"Chaplin, polanski, and Woody: 3 men and a little lady."
Ah!
"Meathead, Laverne, and opie: Great filmmakers of our day." Ah!
How do you like it?
Maybe you should get some sleep.
[Snoring]
Hath not a dude eyes?
If you prick us, do we not get bummed?
If we eat bad guacamole, do we not blow chunks?
I've found my inspiration.
Hello, I'm Jay sherman. This morning on English for cab drivers,
I was going to teach you how to say,
"he was already dead when I hit him."
But instead, I'd like to read this essay:
"The sorry state of films today."
[All grumbling in foreign languages]
Tomorrow, this essay will appear
in every major newspaper in America,
but I'll reach more people
by reading it on this low-rated early-morning cable t.V. Show.
[Grumbling in foreign languages]
I'm a movie critic by trade, and, until recently,
I got paid to tell you people which movies merely stink,
and which ones you shouldn't screen near an open flame.
Well, I'm putting the burden of lousy movies back on you.
It's very simple.
If you stop going to bad movies,
they'll stop making bad movies.
Uh-oh. The jig is up.
If the movie used to be a t.V. Show, just don't go.
After Roman numeral ii, give it a rest.
If it's a remake of a classic, rent the classic.
It's hopeless. All the critics have sold out.
We just won't give out an award for best criticism this year.
There's something on English for cab drivers
I think you all should see.
Tell them you want stories about people,
not $100 million of stunts and explosives.
People, it's up to you.
If the movie stinks, just don't go.
Ugh!
(All) If the movie stinks, just don't go.
What am I saying?
If the movie stinks, do-si-do.
Allemande left, sir.
Son, I'm even more nervous than I was the first time I was up for the pulitzer.
Oh, dad, you don't need another award.
You've always got your America's cup.
Son, I've been lying to you. That's not the America's cup.
That's your Uncle Calvin's ashes.
[Smashing] Ahhh!
I can't remember the last time I wore this thing.
What's this?
[Phone ringing]
Hello.
Hi, this is Jay sherman.
This may sound funny, but have we ever met?
Jay sherman? No. Doesn't ring a bell.
[Hiccupping] Ahem!
(Awards announcer) Live from Columbia university,
the only awards show not to be televised.
It's the pulitzer prize ceremony,
with your host, Mr. Jimmy breslin!
Tonight we will honor the greatest writers in America
with a modest 9-by-12 certificate
and a check for $3,000.
$3,000?
Stephen king makes that for writing "boo" on a cocktail napkin.
Well, anyway, the award for best criticism goes to...
This is the worst production of porgy and Bess I've ever seen.
Jay sherman.
Yes!
♪ I beat the other critic guys ♪
♪ in Seattle
hello, Jay.
How'd you get in?
I have my ways.
I came here to swallow my pride, admit I was wrong,
and beg you to come back to work for me again.
Then I figured I'd take a moral shortcut and write you a check.
Oh, you think you can put a price tag on my humiliation?
Wow. That's it to the penny.
I've been doing this a long time.
Anyway, son, I need your prize-winning prestige
to balance out my other pet project: Hee haw, the next generation.
We got junior samples, Jr.
Well, if I come back, it will be on my terms.
Deal. Glad we're friends again.
Hey, me, too. Would you like to stay and...
nope. I'll show myself out.
[Wall shattering]
Welcome to coming attractions.
Tonight, we'll be reviewing Dudley Moore in his latest film,
Arthur 3: Revenge of the liver.
Arthur, I'm afraid you have acute cirrhosis.
And you have a cute little butt.
[Laughing]
No, you don't understand. Your pancreas is swollen to the size of a basketball.
Ah, no wonder I dribble so much.
[Laughing]
This is very serious. You have less than a year to live.
Oh, don't look now, but somebody's eaten all your popsicles.
[Laughing]
Why, there's a piano.
♪ I've got a liver the size of coconuts ♪
by the end of this film,
you feel as if you've really shared something with Dudley Moore:
The dry heaves.
[Laughing]
Oh, it's good to be back.
(Jay) Some celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Excuse me, sir. The show's over.
Is the snack bar still open?
[Chattering]
Shh.