1 00:00:20,519 --> 00:00:23,188 [Phone ringing] 2 00:00:23,255 --> 00:00:24,189 Hello. 3 00:00:24,256 --> 00:00:26,424 (Ardeth) Jay, this is your ex-wife. 4 00:00:26,492 --> 00:00:28,793 Your alimony check is 18 minutes late. 5 00:00:29,528 --> 00:00:31,362 No, 19 minutes. 6 00:00:31,430 --> 00:00:33,164 That's it. I'm calling my lawyer. 7 00:00:52,818 --> 00:00:54,085 [Ice cracking] 8 00:00:54,153 --> 00:00:55,920 [All shouting] 9 00:00:55,988 --> 00:00:57,188 [All groaning] 10 00:01:04,130 --> 00:01:04,996 [Screaming] 11 00:01:05,063 --> 00:01:06,097 [Splashing] 12 00:01:07,133 --> 00:01:08,399 It stinks. 13 00:01:10,269 --> 00:01:11,202 [Clicks] 14 00:01:20,812 --> 00:01:21,912 I've got to tell you, 15 00:01:21,980 --> 00:01:24,081 I hated that scene in Jurassic park 16 00:01:24,150 --> 00:01:28,119 where you spit poison in the obnoxious fat guy's face. 17 00:01:28,187 --> 00:01:29,187 [Snarling] 18 00:01:31,357 --> 00:01:33,090 I did not see that coming. 19 00:01:35,628 --> 00:01:38,896 (Announcer) It's the coming attractions 1,000th episode special, 20 00:01:38,964 --> 00:01:41,266 with guest star meryl streep! 21 00:01:41,333 --> 00:01:43,701 I'm your announcer skip bisbee. 22 00:01:43,769 --> 00:01:45,570 And here's your host, 23 00:01:45,638 --> 00:01:48,173 Jay sherman! 24 00:01:50,742 --> 00:01:52,143 Uh, hello. 25 00:01:52,211 --> 00:01:54,179 Welcome to our 1,000th show. 26 00:01:54,246 --> 00:01:55,980 Wow! 1,000 shows! 27 00:01:56,048 --> 00:01:58,115 In that time, we've seen Sylvester Stallone 28 00:01:58,184 --> 00:02:01,486 rise and fall, rise and fall. 29 00:02:01,554 --> 00:02:04,155 Fall further, and then somehow rise again. 30 00:02:04,223 --> 00:02:05,456 Who could survive rhinestone? 31 00:02:05,524 --> 00:02:07,258 He's not human, I tell you! 32 00:02:07,326 --> 00:02:09,194 Anyway, let's look at some clips. 33 00:02:09,261 --> 00:02:13,164 The first is my legendary interview with Cher. 34 00:02:13,232 --> 00:02:14,265 You no good... 35 00:02:14,333 --> 00:02:16,367 [Bleeping] 36 00:02:16,435 --> 00:02:17,669 [Bleeping] You...Piece... 37 00:02:17,736 --> 00:02:20,137 Kiss my white feminine toned and tattooed... 38 00:02:20,206 --> 00:02:21,506 [Bleeping] 39 00:02:22,774 --> 00:02:25,343 A very classy lady. 40 00:02:25,411 --> 00:02:27,978 Now, to help me celebrate my 1,000th show, 41 00:02:28,046 --> 00:02:30,448 we have a very special guest, meryl... 44 00:02:36,755 --> 00:02:40,491 Don't worry. We have t.V.'S Batman, Adam west, standing by. 45 00:02:40,559 --> 00:02:41,892 Adam west? 46 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:44,128 What the hell am I gonna say to Adam w... 47 00:02:44,196 --> 00:02:46,264 - -ell, I'll say, thank you 48 00:02:46,332 --> 00:02:48,700 for the years of laughter and tears. 49 00:02:48,767 --> 00:02:49,967 What tears would those be? 50 00:02:50,035 --> 00:02:52,169 Why, tears of laughter. 51 00:02:52,238 --> 00:02:53,271 Ha-ha. 52 00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:54,739 Oh! 53 00:02:54,806 --> 00:02:56,574 Tell us all about your amazing film career. 54 00:02:56,642 --> 00:02:58,776 Well, Jay, one of my most amazing films 55 00:02:58,844 --> 00:03:00,712 is the happy hooker goes Hollywood. 56 00:03:00,779 --> 00:03:02,480 It came out in 1980. 57 00:03:02,548 --> 00:03:05,250 It's one I'm sure you enjoyed all the way to the end. 58 00:03:05,317 --> 00:03:07,485 All right. Thank you. We're out of time. 59 00:03:07,553 --> 00:03:08,720 I just got here. 60 00:03:08,787 --> 00:03:09,854 Coming up next... 61 00:03:09,921 --> 00:03:11,055 (director) Lorne Greene. 62 00:03:11,123 --> 00:03:12,357 Lorne Greene's dead. 63 00:03:12,424 --> 00:03:14,425 Man, I wish I had his agent. 64 00:03:24,303 --> 00:03:25,870 The place is empty. 65 00:03:25,937 --> 00:03:27,872 Are you sure you sent out enough invitations? 66 00:03:27,939 --> 00:03:29,240 We sent them to everyone 67 00:03:29,308 --> 00:03:31,008 who's ever worked in film or television. 68 00:03:31,076 --> 00:03:33,711 Did you ever hear of a thing called radio? 69 00:03:33,779 --> 00:03:35,846 Fibber McGee sent you this fruit basket. 70 00:03:35,914 --> 00:03:37,348 Feh! 71 00:03:37,416 --> 00:03:39,884 Oh, and you also got this card from your makeup lady. 72 00:03:39,951 --> 00:03:41,419 (Doris) "Dear Mr. sherman, 73 00:03:41,487 --> 00:03:44,021 "if it weren't for an untimely death in my family, 74 00:03:44,089 --> 00:03:46,691 i would have been at your party. Doris." 75 00:03:46,759 --> 00:03:48,293 Come on! Spin! 76 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:49,294 [Ball rumbling] 77 00:03:49,361 --> 00:03:50,295 [Pins tumbling] 78 00:03:50,362 --> 00:03:51,562 Yes! 79 00:03:51,630 --> 00:03:52,630 [Door opening] 80 00:03:52,698 --> 00:03:53,998 Son, you're losing it. 81 00:03:54,065 --> 00:03:57,602 There was a day when this room would've been 1/3 full. 82 00:03:57,670 --> 00:03:58,670 [Sighs] 83 00:03:58,737 --> 00:04:00,204 Well, you know what the problem is? 84 00:04:00,272 --> 00:04:02,707 You've made me compromise my integrity so many times, 85 00:04:02,775 --> 00:04:04,175 people think I'm a joke. 86 00:04:04,242 --> 00:04:05,943 Jay, you've got a very valid point. 87 00:04:06,011 --> 00:04:08,613 But on the other hand, shut up! 88 00:04:08,681 --> 00:04:09,880 Sir, yes, sir! 89 00:04:09,948 --> 00:04:12,383 Your problem is you're starting to repeat yourself. 90 00:04:14,085 --> 00:04:15,085 Rainman... 91 00:04:15,153 --> 00:04:16,153 A few good men... 92 00:04:16,221 --> 00:04:17,655 The firm... 93 00:04:17,723 --> 00:04:20,257 [Echoing] Is the latest stinker from tom cruise. 94 00:04:20,326 --> 00:04:21,726 He doesn't act anymore. 95 00:04:21,794 --> 00:04:23,828 He's on cruise control. 96 00:04:23,895 --> 00:04:26,831 [Laughing] 97 00:04:26,898 --> 00:04:30,501 I just... I just made that up! 98 00:04:30,569 --> 00:04:32,203 Hotchie motchie! 99 00:04:32,270 --> 00:04:35,606 Bottom line, Jay, your show's in serious trouble. 100 00:04:35,674 --> 00:04:37,241 Oh, Mr. sherman, 101 00:04:37,309 --> 00:04:40,411 I'm Paulina Simms, president of your fan club. 102 00:04:40,479 --> 00:04:43,581 Wow! My own fan club. Hear that? 103 00:04:43,649 --> 00:04:46,917 I have all your albums and teen beat interviews. 104 00:04:46,985 --> 00:04:48,285 Would you sing the theme from 105 00:04:48,354 --> 00:04:50,321 here come the brides, for me, please? 106 00:04:50,389 --> 00:04:51,756 Wait a minute. 107 00:04:51,824 --> 00:04:53,891 You think he's Bobby sherman. 108 00:04:53,959 --> 00:04:55,159 Shh! 109 00:04:55,227 --> 00:04:58,329 ♪ The bluest skies you've ever seen ♪ 110 00:04:58,397 --> 00:05:00,130 ♪ in Seattle 111 00:05:00,198 --> 00:05:03,133 ♪ and the hills, the greenest green ♪ 112 00:05:03,201 --> 00:05:05,069 ♪ in Seattle 113 00:05:05,136 --> 00:05:06,070 how are you? 114 00:05:06,137 --> 00:05:09,273 ♪ Like a beautiful child 115 00:05:09,341 --> 00:05:12,377 ♪ growing up free and wild ♪ 116 00:05:12,444 --> 00:05:13,978 ♪ in Seattle 117 00:05:14,045 --> 00:05:18,148 ♪ in Seattle 118 00:05:18,216 --> 00:05:19,250 yeah! 119 00:05:20,986 --> 00:05:22,219 Oh! 120 00:05:22,287 --> 00:05:23,821 What's the matter, mate? 121 00:05:23,889 --> 00:05:25,656 You look like a busker who's lost his didgeridoo. 122 00:05:25,724 --> 00:05:26,924 What does that mean? 123 00:05:26,992 --> 00:05:29,460 I forget, I left Australia when I was 4. 124 00:05:29,528 --> 00:05:30,961 I'm worried that I'm losing it. 125 00:05:31,029 --> 00:05:33,163 I'm 36 years old. I'm not what I used to be. 126 00:05:33,231 --> 00:05:34,899 When I was in college, man, 127 00:05:34,966 --> 00:05:37,435 I could go at it all night long. 128 00:05:37,503 --> 00:05:40,905 It's lap 397 in the Jay sherman 500! 129 00:05:40,972 --> 00:05:43,274 Vroom! Vroom! Vroom! Vroom! 130 00:05:43,341 --> 00:05:45,109 Vroom! 131 00:05:45,176 --> 00:05:47,378 Hey, Jay, we broke my bed. 132 00:05:47,446 --> 00:05:48,479 Could we use yours? 133 00:05:48,547 --> 00:05:51,449 Ok, but your car is 4 laps behind. 134 00:05:51,517 --> 00:05:53,584 Ah, loser. 135 00:05:53,652 --> 00:05:56,754 Now I'm sitting by, watching my career fade to black. 136 00:05:56,822 --> 00:05:59,056 Don't worry. It's not how old you are. 137 00:05:59,124 --> 00:06:00,858 It's how old people think you are. 138 00:06:00,926 --> 00:06:03,694 Excuse me, are you the late enrico caruso? 139 00:06:03,762 --> 00:06:05,296 No! 140 00:06:05,363 --> 00:06:07,498 Listen, because you're my friend and I love you, 141 00:06:07,566 --> 00:06:10,768 I'll let you in on a little secret. 142 00:06:10,836 --> 00:06:13,170 I'm actually 43 years old. 143 00:06:13,238 --> 00:06:15,039 You're 43 years old? 144 00:06:15,106 --> 00:06:16,273 [All gasping] 145 00:06:19,177 --> 00:06:20,611 Tonight on hard copy: 146 00:06:20,679 --> 00:06:22,279 Jeremy hawke caught in love nest 147 00:06:22,347 --> 00:06:23,981 with the queen mother and rose Kennedy. 148 00:06:24,049 --> 00:06:26,417 (Announcer) Viewer disclaimer: For purposes of infotainment, 149 00:06:26,485 --> 00:06:28,519 rose and the queen will be played by the Barbie twins. 150 00:06:28,587 --> 00:06:31,055 Hey, I don't want to say Jeremy hawke is old. 151 00:06:31,122 --> 00:06:33,324 But when he went to the d.M.V. To get his driver's license, 152 00:06:33,391 --> 00:06:34,592 there was no line. 153 00:06:34,660 --> 00:06:35,626 [Purring cat call] 154 00:06:35,694 --> 00:06:37,795 Hey, that's old, man. Whoa! 155 00:06:39,698 --> 00:06:41,031 I haven't seen a wave this big 156 00:06:41,099 --> 00:06:43,000 since delta Burke did a belly flop 157 00:06:43,068 --> 00:06:44,802 into Shelly winters' jacuzzi. 158 00:06:44,870 --> 00:06:48,072 Listen, Jay, I'm gonna give you something that's gonna change your life. 159 00:06:48,139 --> 00:06:51,609 "Adolf hitmaker, personal image consultant"? 160 00:06:51,677 --> 00:06:53,410 Go for it, mate. 161 00:06:53,479 --> 00:06:55,513 Climb the highest eucalyptus tree you can find. 162 00:06:55,581 --> 00:06:57,648 Guzzle life's beer till you chunder. 163 00:06:57,716 --> 00:07:00,184 Wow! That is really inspiring. 164 00:07:00,251 --> 00:07:02,753 Yeah, I gave that speech in my after-school special: 165 00:07:02,821 --> 00:07:04,889 Days of beer and chundering. 166 00:07:04,957 --> 00:07:07,625 Hmm. Where to begin? 167 00:07:07,693 --> 00:07:10,761 I know, you're going to tell me to lose weight. 168 00:07:10,829 --> 00:07:12,162 Don't you dare. 169 00:07:12,230 --> 00:07:14,866 If you want the world to love you, you must be big and jolly, 170 00:07:14,933 --> 00:07:17,101 like Santa claus or rush limbaugh! 171 00:07:17,168 --> 00:07:18,736 You mean I can eat whatever I want? 172 00:07:18,804 --> 00:07:19,804 Wow! 173 00:07:19,872 --> 00:07:21,405 You're not just some quack, are you? 174 00:07:21,473 --> 00:07:23,641 A quack? Could a quack have escaped 175 00:07:23,709 --> 00:07:25,710 from a mental hospital in the Philippines? 176 00:07:25,777 --> 00:07:27,512 I don't think so. 177 00:07:28,046 --> 00:07:30,247 [Munching] 178 00:07:30,315 --> 00:07:33,718 Even for a sequel, refried green tomatoes 179 00:07:33,785 --> 00:07:36,020 is a delicious treat! 180 00:07:36,087 --> 00:07:39,724 Coming up next, the latest from John candy. 181 00:07:39,791 --> 00:07:42,192 Mmm. Don't mind if I do. 182 00:07:44,396 --> 00:07:47,197 Check it out. Ebert ate siskel. 183 00:07:47,265 --> 00:07:50,134 That Adolf hitmaker does good work. 184 00:07:50,201 --> 00:07:55,039 And each t.V. Comes with state-of-the-art, digitally enhanced sound. 185 00:07:55,106 --> 00:07:57,074 [Jay belching] 186 00:07:58,944 --> 00:08:00,578 Now, don't worry, Mr. sherman. 187 00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:03,180 This liposuction machine will promptly remove 188 00:08:03,248 --> 00:08:04,615 all excess fat. 189 00:08:04,683 --> 00:08:06,283 [Machine chugging] 190 00:08:11,156 --> 00:08:12,924 [Machine chugging] 191 00:08:29,107 --> 00:08:31,075 [Ice cream truck chiming] 192 00:08:31,142 --> 00:08:33,878 Ice cream man! 193 00:08:33,946 --> 00:08:34,812 [Clattering] 194 00:08:36,548 --> 00:08:38,115 Hey, that's my chair! 195 00:08:38,183 --> 00:08:39,216 We're cutting back. 196 00:08:39,284 --> 00:08:41,085 Just lost 3 more sponsors. 197 00:08:41,152 --> 00:08:43,621 You can't be taking my chair to save money! 198 00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:46,290 All right. I'm taking it to spite your low-rated, 199 00:08:46,357 --> 00:08:49,660 Spielberg-hating, toilet seat-destroying butt! 200 00:08:49,728 --> 00:08:51,629 Don't listen to him, my pet. 201 00:08:51,697 --> 00:08:54,331 Listen, pufnstuf, you want to save your show, 202 00:08:54,399 --> 00:08:57,434 you've got to come up with some better material! 203 00:08:57,502 --> 00:09:00,771 Doris, I do not want to be disturbed for the next 2 hours. 204 00:09:00,839 --> 00:09:04,141 I'm going to be sitting in my office without any clothes on. 205 00:09:04,209 --> 00:09:07,111 Well, there goes the very last of my sex drive. 206 00:09:07,178 --> 00:09:11,048 No. You don't understand. Being naked inspires me artistically. 207 00:09:11,116 --> 00:09:13,150 Ernest Hemingway, he used to write standing up. 208 00:09:13,218 --> 00:09:16,186 Agatha christie used to write in the bathtub while eating apples. 209 00:09:16,254 --> 00:09:17,588 Please, keep talking. 210 00:09:17,656 --> 00:09:20,557 The spray makes me feels like I'm at coney island. 211 00:09:20,626 --> 00:09:23,794 Whatever comes now, comes from deep within my soul. 212 00:09:24,997 --> 00:09:26,196 I... 213 00:09:26,264 --> 00:09:27,297 Feel cold. 214 00:09:27,365 --> 00:09:28,432 [Ripping] 215 00:09:29,267 --> 00:09:30,367 I... 216 00:09:30,435 --> 00:09:32,202 Hate vinyl. 217 00:09:32,270 --> 00:09:34,605 Jay, son, I came here to fire you. 218 00:09:34,673 --> 00:09:37,341 But seeing me here naked, at my most vulnerable, 219 00:09:37,408 --> 00:09:38,776 you don't have the heart? 220 00:09:38,844 --> 00:09:40,711 Wake up, nude boy. 221 00:09:40,779 --> 00:09:42,146 You can't fire someone like this. 222 00:09:42,213 --> 00:09:43,614 It's just too humiliating. 223 00:09:43,682 --> 00:09:45,916 Please, Duke, look in your heart. 224 00:09:45,984 --> 00:09:49,253 I'm begging you. Look in your heart. 225 00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:52,923 Uh, mr Phillips, I'm from a disreputable supermarket tabloid and... 226 00:09:52,991 --> 00:09:55,159 I won't need a minute more of your time. 227 00:09:55,861 --> 00:09:56,861 [Knocking] 228 00:09:56,928 --> 00:09:57,895 Get out. 229 00:09:57,963 --> 00:09:59,196 Well, all right, 230 00:09:59,264 --> 00:10:02,066 but there's one thing you can't take: My dignity. 231 00:10:03,201 --> 00:10:04,135 [Grunting] 232 00:10:04,202 --> 00:10:05,636 Go fetch, boy. 233 00:10:17,932 --> 00:10:20,201 Hey, Bernie, my favorite agent. 234 00:10:20,269 --> 00:10:22,102 Hey, you, 235 00:10:22,171 --> 00:10:23,504 my favorite... 236 00:10:23,572 --> 00:10:25,673 Guy or girl? 237 00:10:25,740 --> 00:10:27,074 I'm a man. 238 00:10:27,142 --> 00:10:29,410 Sorry. I thought you were the pat character 239 00:10:29,478 --> 00:10:30,878 from Saturday night live. 240 00:10:30,945 --> 00:10:33,548 Is it a man, is it a woman? Who the hell cares? 241 00:10:33,615 --> 00:10:36,150 The kids seem to like it... To a point. 242 00:10:36,218 --> 00:10:39,086 And what's with airline peanuts these days? 243 00:10:39,154 --> 00:10:41,522 I mean you need a wrench to open the bag! 244 00:10:41,590 --> 00:10:42,623 [Sighs] 245 00:10:42,691 --> 00:10:44,659 I'm a client. Don't you recognize me? 246 00:10:44,726 --> 00:10:46,227 Sure, I do. You're... 247 00:10:46,295 --> 00:10:47,395 Stubby kaye? 248 00:10:47,462 --> 00:10:49,129 No, I'm Jay sherman! 249 00:10:49,198 --> 00:10:50,764 I can't believe this. 250 00:10:50,832 --> 00:10:53,234 You don't even know me, and I stuck by you when everybody said 251 00:10:53,302 --> 00:10:55,102 you were a sleazy, incompetent leech. 252 00:10:55,170 --> 00:10:57,805 Bull's-eye! That's Bernie all over. 253 00:10:57,872 --> 00:10:59,039 Look, can't you help me? 254 00:10:59,107 --> 00:11:01,075 I... I'm out of work. 255 00:11:01,142 --> 00:11:04,011 Well, I've got this one job, 256 00:11:04,079 --> 00:11:05,946 but I think it's beneath you. 257 00:11:06,014 --> 00:11:08,482 I'll take it. Believe me, I'm at the end of my rope. 258 00:11:08,550 --> 00:11:10,518 Wait a minute. It's not on fox, is it? 259 00:11:10,586 --> 00:11:12,220 No. I'll take it! 260 00:11:12,287 --> 00:11:13,221 [Yawning] 261 00:11:13,288 --> 00:11:14,955 Hello. It's 6:00 A.M., 262 00:11:15,023 --> 00:11:17,425 and this is English for cab drivers. 263 00:11:17,492 --> 00:11:18,859 Good morning, class. 264 00:11:18,927 --> 00:11:22,263 [All speaking foreign languages] 265 00:11:22,331 --> 00:11:26,200 My life is a living hell. 266 00:11:26,268 --> 00:11:29,803 [All speaking foreign languages] 267 00:11:29,871 --> 00:11:32,540 The only thing that gets me through the day 268 00:11:32,608 --> 00:11:34,875 is lithium. 269 00:11:34,943 --> 00:11:36,143 (All) Lithium! 270 00:11:37,412 --> 00:11:39,213 Wow, dad! 271 00:11:39,281 --> 00:11:41,582 I can't believe you're actually letting us see your student film. 272 00:11:41,650 --> 00:11:45,219 I was in a student film once. Well, it wasn't a student film actually, 273 00:11:45,287 --> 00:11:47,655 although it had several women dressed as cheerleaders. 274 00:11:47,723 --> 00:11:49,690 I played Professor spankum. 275 00:11:49,758 --> 00:11:51,759 How come you're showing this movie now? 276 00:11:51,826 --> 00:11:54,295 Because I've been re-evaluating my life, son. 277 00:11:54,363 --> 00:11:55,863 I wanted to remember what it was 278 00:11:55,930 --> 00:11:59,066 that made me want to get into film in the first place. 279 00:12:02,504 --> 00:12:04,538 [Chomping] 280 00:12:04,606 --> 00:12:05,706 [Beeping] 281 00:12:05,774 --> 00:12:07,675 (Jay) L'artiste est morte, 282 00:12:07,743 --> 00:12:09,510 written, directed, edited, starring 283 00:12:09,578 --> 00:12:11,646 and catered by Jay Prescott sherman. 284 00:12:12,514 --> 00:12:13,514 [Sighing] 285 00:12:13,582 --> 00:12:15,716 I am prometheus sherman, 286 00:12:15,784 --> 00:12:17,551 the last man on earth. 287 00:12:17,619 --> 00:12:22,189 So alone. So alone. So alone! 288 00:12:22,257 --> 00:12:25,025 [Sobbing] 289 00:12:27,329 --> 00:12:32,032 ♪[Classical choral music playing] 290 00:12:53,121 --> 00:12:55,790 My, darling, I've always loved... 291 00:12:55,857 --> 00:12:58,693 oh, no! Promootheus! 292 00:12:58,760 --> 00:12:59,593 Prometheus. 293 00:13:04,299 --> 00:13:06,400 [Film flapping in projector] 294 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:14,174 I know. It stinks. 295 00:13:19,781 --> 00:13:23,116 Tonight we continue with the later works of Orson welles. 296 00:13:23,184 --> 00:13:24,117 [Beeping] 297 00:13:24,185 --> 00:13:25,853 A rich, full-bodied wine, 298 00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:28,489 sensibly priced at $1 a jug. 299 00:13:28,557 --> 00:13:31,959 Now for a little magic. I will make this jug disappear. 300 00:13:32,026 --> 00:13:33,293 [Guzzling] 301 00:13:35,430 --> 00:13:37,665 Professor blauhardt, remember me? 302 00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:38,932 Indeed I do. 303 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,001 Class, this is stubby kaye. 304 00:13:41,069 --> 00:13:42,936 No. I'm Jay sherman. 305 00:13:43,004 --> 00:13:44,672 I came here for guidance. 306 00:13:44,740 --> 00:13:46,507 Jay, you weren't meant to create. 307 00:13:46,575 --> 00:13:48,342 You were meant to tear apart. 308 00:13:48,410 --> 00:13:49,910 I was? 309 00:13:49,978 --> 00:13:53,848 You were born to nitpick what others poured their hearts and souls into. 310 00:13:53,915 --> 00:13:55,683 I shall! I shall! 311 00:13:55,751 --> 00:13:57,150 Be a truth teller! 312 00:13:57,218 --> 00:13:59,720 I will, you pompous windbag. 313 00:13:59,788 --> 00:14:01,722 Learn from this man, class. 314 00:14:01,790 --> 00:14:04,725 We should all be such independent thinkers. 315 00:14:04,793 --> 00:14:08,095 (All) Be an independent thinker. 316 00:14:09,230 --> 00:14:10,698 Roll the next clip. 317 00:14:10,766 --> 00:14:11,732 [Beeping] 318 00:14:13,902 --> 00:14:15,569 Rosebud. 319 00:14:15,637 --> 00:14:18,639 Yes, rosebud frozen peas, 320 00:14:18,707 --> 00:14:22,075 full of country goodness and green pea-ness. 321 00:14:22,143 --> 00:14:24,779 Wait, that's terrible. I quit. 322 00:14:24,846 --> 00:14:26,480 Just a handful for the road. 323 00:14:26,548 --> 00:14:28,148 [Chomping] 324 00:14:28,216 --> 00:14:31,752 Oh, what luck, there's a French fry stuck in my beard. 325 00:14:31,820 --> 00:14:33,153 [Munching] 326 00:14:33,221 --> 00:14:34,154 Oh, yeah. 327 00:14:36,758 --> 00:14:38,759 There's only one way back to respectability. 328 00:14:38,827 --> 00:14:41,796 I've got to win another pulitzer prize. 329 00:14:41,863 --> 00:14:43,564 I remember when you came into my life, 330 00:14:43,632 --> 00:14:45,900 you modest 9-by-12 certificate. 331 00:14:46,768 --> 00:14:47,902 ♪ I'm a maniac 332 00:14:47,969 --> 00:14:50,905 ♪ maniac on the floor 333 00:14:50,972 --> 00:14:52,239 ♪ and I'm dancin' 334 00:14:52,307 --> 00:14:55,275 ♪ like I've never danced before ♪ 335 00:14:55,343 --> 00:14:56,544 [crunching sound] 336 00:14:56,611 --> 00:14:57,912 [Grunting] 337 00:15:00,148 --> 00:15:02,716 Hello, baby. You know what this is? 338 00:15:02,784 --> 00:15:05,586 Your dog tags from the battle of the nerds. 339 00:15:05,654 --> 00:15:07,755 You're mean. 340 00:15:07,823 --> 00:15:10,223 Eww, I don't like that memory at all. 341 00:15:10,291 --> 00:15:12,392 But wait, let's look at it again 342 00:15:12,461 --> 00:15:14,662 through the magic of self-delusion. 343 00:15:16,130 --> 00:15:17,465 ♪ I'm a maniac 344 00:15:17,532 --> 00:15:20,367 ♪ maniac on the floor 345 00:15:20,435 --> 00:15:21,702 ♪ and I'm dancin' 346 00:15:21,770 --> 00:15:25,038 ♪ like I've never danced before ♪ 347 00:15:25,106 --> 00:15:27,708 hello, baby. You know what this is? 348 00:15:27,776 --> 00:15:31,345 Your pulitzer prize, you luscious lump of a man. 349 00:15:31,412 --> 00:15:32,446 Mmm. 350 00:15:32,514 --> 00:15:35,349 [All clapping] 351 00:15:35,416 --> 00:15:37,918 Wow. I've got my denial mojo working. 352 00:15:37,986 --> 00:15:40,654 Well, back to work. Got to win the pulitzer prize. 353 00:15:40,722 --> 00:15:42,356 First I need a topic. 354 00:15:42,423 --> 00:15:45,726 "Chaplin, polanski, and Woody: 3 men and a little lady." 355 00:15:45,794 --> 00:15:46,827 Ah! 356 00:15:48,763 --> 00:15:52,900 "Meathead, Laverne, and opie: Great filmmakers of our day." Ah! 357 00:16:06,748 --> 00:16:07,882 How do you like it? 358 00:16:07,949 --> 00:16:10,050 Maybe you should get some sleep. 359 00:16:12,787 --> 00:16:13,988 [Snoring] 360 00:16:39,113 --> 00:16:41,214 Hath not a dude eyes? 361 00:16:41,282 --> 00:16:44,418 If you prick us, do we not get bummed? 362 00:16:44,485 --> 00:16:48,455 If we eat bad guacamole, do we not blow chunks? 363 00:16:48,523 --> 00:16:51,458 I've found my inspiration. 364 00:16:51,526 --> 00:16:55,395 Hello, I'm Jay sherman. This morning on English for cab drivers, 365 00:16:55,463 --> 00:16:57,531 I was going to teach you how to say, 366 00:16:57,599 --> 00:16:59,667 "he was already dead when I hit him." 367 00:16:59,734 --> 00:17:02,002 But instead, I'd like to read this essay: 368 00:17:02,070 --> 00:17:04,337 "The sorry state of films today." 369 00:17:04,405 --> 00:17:07,841 [All grumbling in foreign languages] 370 00:17:07,909 --> 00:17:10,077 Tomorrow, this essay will appear 371 00:17:10,144 --> 00:17:12,613 in every major newspaper in America, 372 00:17:12,681 --> 00:17:14,448 but I'll reach more people 373 00:17:14,515 --> 00:17:17,484 by reading it on this low-rated early-morning cable t.V. Show. 374 00:17:17,552 --> 00:17:20,988 [Grumbling in foreign languages] 375 00:17:21,056 --> 00:17:24,191 I'm a movie critic by trade, and, until recently, 376 00:17:24,258 --> 00:17:27,828 I got paid to tell you people which movies merely stink, 377 00:17:27,896 --> 00:17:30,831 and which ones you shouldn't screen near an open flame. 378 00:17:30,899 --> 00:17:35,368 Well, I'm putting the burden of lousy movies back on you. 379 00:17:35,436 --> 00:17:36,570 It's very simple. 380 00:17:36,638 --> 00:17:38,872 If you stop going to bad movies, 381 00:17:38,940 --> 00:17:41,174 they'll stop making bad movies. 382 00:17:41,242 --> 00:17:42,843 Uh-oh. The jig is up. 383 00:17:45,113 --> 00:17:48,515 If the movie used to be a t.V. Show, just don't go. 384 00:17:48,583 --> 00:17:51,318 After Roman numeral ii, give it a rest. 385 00:17:51,385 --> 00:17:54,922 If it's a remake of a classic, rent the classic. 386 00:17:56,390 --> 00:17:59,059 It's hopeless. All the critics have sold out. 387 00:17:59,127 --> 00:18:02,029 We just won't give out an award for best criticism this year. 388 00:18:02,097 --> 00:18:04,264 There's something on English for cab drivers 389 00:18:04,332 --> 00:18:06,533 I think you all should see. 390 00:18:06,601 --> 00:18:09,136 Tell them you want stories about people, 391 00:18:09,203 --> 00:18:13,306 not $100 million of stunts and explosives. 392 00:18:13,374 --> 00:18:15,442 People, it's up to you. 393 00:18:15,510 --> 00:18:19,780 If the movie stinks, just don't go. 394 00:18:20,348 --> 00:18:21,348 Ugh! 395 00:18:22,917 --> 00:18:27,287 (All) If the movie stinks, just don't go. 396 00:18:27,355 --> 00:18:30,958 If the movie stinks, just don't go. 397 00:18:31,026 --> 00:18:32,292 What am I saying? 398 00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:35,763 If the movie stinks, do-si-do. 399 00:18:35,830 --> 00:18:37,665 Allemande left, sir. 400 00:18:42,804 --> 00:18:46,674 Son, I'm even more nervous than I was the first time I was up for the pulitzer. 401 00:18:46,741 --> 00:18:49,476 Oh, dad, you don't need another award. 402 00:18:49,544 --> 00:18:51,578 You've always got your America's cup. 403 00:18:51,646 --> 00:18:54,748 Son, I've been lying to you. That's not the America's cup. 404 00:18:54,816 --> 00:18:56,316 That's your Uncle Calvin's ashes. 405 00:18:56,384 --> 00:18:58,285 [Smashing] Ahhh! 406 00:18:58,352 --> 00:19:00,520 I can't remember the last time I wore this thing. 407 00:19:00,588 --> 00:19:01,521 What's this? 408 00:19:03,491 --> 00:19:05,125 [Phone ringing] 409 00:19:05,193 --> 00:19:06,126 Hello. 410 00:19:06,194 --> 00:19:07,795 Hi, this is Jay sherman. 411 00:19:07,862 --> 00:19:10,030 This may sound funny, but have we ever met? 412 00:19:10,098 --> 00:19:13,100 Jay sherman? No. Doesn't ring a bell. 413 00:19:14,969 --> 00:19:17,604 [Hiccupping] Ahem! 414 00:19:17,672 --> 00:19:19,740 (Awards announcer) Live from Columbia university, 415 00:19:19,808 --> 00:19:22,642 the only awards show not to be televised. 416 00:19:22,711 --> 00:19:24,878 It's the pulitzer prize ceremony, 417 00:19:24,946 --> 00:19:28,082 with your host, Mr. Jimmy breslin! 418 00:19:30,618 --> 00:19:33,053 Tonight we will honor the greatest writers in America 419 00:19:33,121 --> 00:19:35,555 with a modest 9-by-12 certificate 420 00:19:35,623 --> 00:19:38,692 and a check for $3,000. 421 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,260 $3,000? 422 00:19:40,328 --> 00:19:43,997 Stephen king makes that for writing "boo" on a cocktail napkin. 423 00:19:44,065 --> 00:19:47,701 Well, anyway, the award for best criticism goes to... 424 00:19:47,769 --> 00:19:52,172 This is the worst production of porgy and Bess I've ever seen. 425 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:53,573 Jay sherman. 426 00:19:53,641 --> 00:19:54,641 Yes! 427 00:19:56,778 --> 00:20:00,047 ♪ I beat the other critic guys ♪ 428 00:20:00,115 --> 00:20:01,949 ♪ in Seattle 429 00:20:02,016 --> 00:20:03,150 hello, Jay. 430 00:20:03,218 --> 00:20:04,184 How'd you get in? 431 00:20:04,252 --> 00:20:05,518 I have my ways. 432 00:20:07,555 --> 00:20:10,323 I came here to swallow my pride, admit I was wrong, 433 00:20:10,391 --> 00:20:13,026 and beg you to come back to work for me again. 434 00:20:13,094 --> 00:20:16,596 Then I figured I'd take a moral shortcut and write you a check. 435 00:20:16,664 --> 00:20:20,200 Oh, you think you can put a price tag on my humiliation? 436 00:20:20,268 --> 00:20:22,069 Wow. That's it to the penny. 437 00:20:22,137 --> 00:20:24,337 I've been doing this a long time. 438 00:20:24,405 --> 00:20:27,207 Anyway, son, I need your prize-winning prestige 439 00:20:27,275 --> 00:20:31,211 to balance out my other pet project: Hee haw, the next generation. 440 00:20:31,279 --> 00:20:33,213 We got junior samples, Jr. 441 00:20:33,281 --> 00:20:36,784 Well, if I come back, it will be on my terms. 442 00:20:36,851 --> 00:20:39,119 Deal. Glad we're friends again. 443 00:20:39,187 --> 00:20:40,988 Hey, me, too. Would you like to stay and... 444 00:20:41,055 --> 00:20:43,390 nope. I'll show myself out. 445 00:20:43,457 --> 00:20:45,092 [Wall shattering] 446 00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:48,162 Welcome to coming attractions. 447 00:20:48,229 --> 00:20:51,631 Tonight, we'll be reviewing Dudley Moore in his latest film, 448 00:20:51,699 --> 00:20:55,269 Arthur 3: Revenge of the liver. 449 00:20:55,336 --> 00:20:58,906 Arthur, I'm afraid you have acute cirrhosis. 450 00:20:58,973 --> 00:21:00,908 And you have a cute little butt. 451 00:21:00,975 --> 00:21:03,043 [Laughing] 452 00:21:03,111 --> 00:21:07,547 No, you don't understand. Your pancreas is swollen to the size of a basketball. 453 00:21:07,615 --> 00:21:09,416 Ah, no wonder I dribble so much. 454 00:21:09,483 --> 00:21:11,584 [Laughing] 455 00:21:11,652 --> 00:21:15,122 This is very serious. You have less than a year to live. 456 00:21:15,190 --> 00:21:18,491 Oh, don't look now, but somebody's eaten all your popsicles. 457 00:21:18,559 --> 00:21:21,995 [Laughing] 458 00:21:22,063 --> 00:21:23,430 Why, there's a piano. 459 00:21:25,300 --> 00:21:28,268 ♪ I've got a liver the size of coconuts ♪ 460 00:21:28,336 --> 00:21:30,137 by the end of this film, 461 00:21:30,205 --> 00:21:32,339 you feel as if you've really shared something with Dudley Moore: 462 00:21:32,406 --> 00:21:33,941 The dry heaves. 463 00:21:34,008 --> 00:21:36,877 [Laughing] 464 00:21:36,945 --> 00:21:39,046 Oh, it's good to be back. 465 00:22:28,346 --> 00:22:30,313 (Jay) Some celebrity voices are impersonated. 466 00:22:30,382 --> 00:22:33,049 No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode. 467 00:22:36,888 --> 00:22:38,989 Excuse me, sir. The show's over. 468 00:22:39,056 --> 00:22:41,358 Is the snack bar still open? 469 00:22:43,327 --> 00:22:44,361 [Chattering] 470 00:22:44,429 --> 00:22:45,295 Shh.