[Telephone ringing]
Hello?
(Man) Hi, Jay. I'm the winner
of the Jay sherman look-alike contest.
Well, one of my heads is.
[Ice cracking]
[All screaming]
[All groaning]
It stinks!
I do so love this cottage.
I should like to live at Howard's end forever.
You mean Howard stern's end.
I just bought the deed. What do you think of that?
[Sputtering]
Any of you girls want to take your tops off?
Oh, I say!
You say, but you never do.
You never put out. You're like my wife.
That was, of course,
a clip from Howard stern's end.
With me now, distinguished actor:
Sir Roger twice-nightly.
Sir Roger, why in the world did you do this movie?
Because I need the money.
I have 3 mistresses
of various ages and genders in London.
Well, I have 3 roast chickens
of various ages and genders in my apartment.
That's all for today. Join me next week,
when I review the recently restored director's cut
of j. F.K. With 2 hours of new footage.
(Kevin costner) Back and to the left.
Back...And to the left.
Back and to the left.
So, sir Roger, what are you doing next?
I'm in a new Andrew Lloyd Webber musical,
based on the hunchback of notre dame.
It's called hunch.
and see if I'm free.
(Jay) Oh, Ethel, am I free for the theater this evening?
(Woman) You certainly are.
Why don't you take miss Sharon stone?
She's sweet on you, boss.
Really? Sharon stone?
[In a high-pitched voice] You heard me.
Sharon stone.
I'd like you to meet Ethel,
but, uh, she just jumped out the window.
Just take the bloody tickets.
[In a high-pitched voice] Oh, why don't you ever let me meet your friends?
(Jay) Because the last time I did,
you spilled coffee on Mr. Al jolson.
[Mimicking jolson] Ethel, you're spillin' coffee on me!
I'm beggin' ya, put down the percolator, honey-lamb.
[Door slams]
A date for the theater.
Oh, let's check my little black book.
"Triple-a escort service...
"Sister Dominica...
Glen/glenda..."
Loved her, hated him.
Ah!
Hello, Helen!
I'm sorry, Jay.
Helen's in the shower right now.
Still? It's been 3 days since we went out.
Still not clean.
Must scrub harder.
[Grunting]
Unclean! Unclean!
[Car horn honking]
A health club.
That's where I'll meet a woman.
[Water bubbling]
Anyone care to join me for a night at the theater?
Wait a minute! That hot tub's not plugged in!
Excuse me!
[Both screaming]
So, ladies, just call in
if you know the name of Spielberg's adorable extraterrestrial.
I'll take the 29th caller.
Cute little alien. Anyone?
Give you a hint:
E...
Oh, we have a caller.
The alien's name was...
(Man's voice) Richard dreyfuss?
[Dial tone]
At this point, I'll go with anything that breathes.
Check this out, big boy.
[Inhaling]
[Coughing]
[Choking]
Ahh.
Me go out with you?
You're old enough to be my mother.
So, you're fat enough to be my car.
Besides, I just want to see the show.
All right, all right, I'll take you.
But if anyone asks,
you're a doddering heiress, and I'm running through your money.
And I'll tell everyone you're a troll I found
under the tappan zee bridge.
Take it down. We closed.
There is a God.
[Tires screech]
Doris, you look elegant.
After 45 years in the make-up business,
you learn a few secrets:
Tricks with hair, teeth...
Like?
Always wear hair, always wear teeth.
Well, I must say,
I am glad to have a friend with me.
♪[Orchestra tuning]
♪[Orchestra playing]
♪ The one called quasimodo
♪ sure makes a great scapegoat-o ♪
♪ oh, his lumpy shoulders
♪ shoulder lots of blame
♪ yes, blame all your cares and woeses ♪
♪ on the one with scoliosis
♪ the hunchback
♪ of notre dame
that's me!
I shaved for this?
[Both chuckling]
♪ It's true my back's got a slight crimp ♪
♪ like a boiled jumbo shrimp ♪
(both) ♪ but by the smile in my spine ♪
♪ I'll make you mine
♪ yes, I've got a hunch
♪ this is
♪ love
I've got a hunch this bites.
[Both laughing]
♪ Can you hear the silence? ♪
♪ the silence of my stone-deaf ♪
♪ world?
[Doris coughing]
[Bell chimes]
The bells! The bells!
The cursed bells!
[Ringing]
Daddy, can I wear the jammies with the feet?
♪ So if you see a hunchback
♪ why not take him out to lunch, Jack ♪
♪ to say, hey, thanks a bunch, Mac ♪
♪ thank you for being
♪ a hunch
this performance was sponsored by Toyota,
the hatchback fit for a hunchback!
[Crowd cheering]
I just want to say that you've taught me
that someone can be ugly on the outside
but beautiful on the inside.
I'm not the hunch. I know.
Ah, Mr. sherman.
How nice to see you.
And who is this lovely young lady?
[Speaking russian]
That play was terrible.
Well, that's the kind of thing I see all the time.
Maybe now you see why I'm so cranky.
You know, I'd really hate to be you.
Oh, it's not so tough being a critic.
No, no, I was starting a new topic.
[Both laughing]
Shut up.
[Car horn honking]
(Doris) Would you like to come in?
Uh, you don't have one of those old lady apartments
filled with newspapers and stray cats, do you?
Don't be ridiculous. Now, sit on the plastic
or you don't get any ribbon candy.
It's so big!
Rent controlled since 1946.
How much?
$120 a month. Put down the candlestick.
Huh?
You were going to bash my head in and take my apartment.
I was?
Don't sweat it, honey. I've seen it take over
stronger men than you.
Wine?
That's my fiancee, Earl.
He died in Korea.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah. This picture is my most treasured possession.
Wait, this isn't Earl. This is my brother.
It's been a long time.
No, wait!
It's the great gildersleeve, and he came with the frame.
But enough of my life. There must be more to you
than just criticizing and eating.
[Snoring]
Another satisfied customer.
But just who was the lucky guest star
on last night's love, Jay sherman style?
(Doris) ♪ like a virgin
♪ hee
♪ touched for the very first time ♪
♪ like a vir-ir-ir-irgen
♪ when your heart beats
♪ next to mine
hotchie motchie!
Steady, Jay. No one has to know.
Oh, honey, these shorts are yours.
You left them at my apartment last night.
Shh! Do we have to tell the whole world?
Oh, nobody heard.
There's film critic Jay sherman
and make-up artist Doris Grossman.
Their on again/off again romance
flies in the face of every standard of decency.
Don't you people have a trailer park to go home to?
Twister blew it away.
Wait a minute. You think we slept together?
[Laughing]
You have a body like a marshmallow.
Yeah, and me sleep with you?
You're older than dirt!
Hey! Hey!
You know, I actually had a good time last night.
Me, too.
Maybe we could go out together as friends.
Uh, I don't know. I have a pretty full schedule.
Well, I guess I can fit it in.
(Both) ♪ Daisy
♪ Daisy
♪ give me your answer, do
(Doris) You know, seeing all these young people
only reminds me how old I really am.
Oh, you're not that old.
[Screeching]
[Cawing]
What do you say we move on?
I'm with you.
[Cawing]
[Car horn honking]
This story's about a woman who can't speak
but finds her voice through her slide whistle.
♪[Whistling]
The time's come for us to make love.
♪[Whistling]
(Man) What do think of me naked?
♪[Whistling]
This reminds me of my steamy weekend
with Charlie callas.
(Doris) ♪ I'm half-crazy
♪ all for the love of you ♪
punch! Punch!
I need my punch!
You asked for it.
Oh, you could see that coming a mile away.
The characters are wooden
and the plot is just an excuse for violence.
You want your money back?
Yeah, let me have it.
I said, "let me have it."
[All laughing]
New York is the greatest city on earth.
Make a wish.
♪ It won't be a stylish marriage ♪
♪ we can't afford a carriage ♪
no. No! Oh, just when I finally find a friend,
she dies on me.
Why? Why?
[Laughing] Fake out!
Chest tightening,
having heart attack- ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack...
Uh-oh.
♪ But you'll look sweet ♪
[buzzing]
♪ Upon the seat
[buzzing]
♪ Of a bicycle built for 2 ♪
[all cheering]
Play chantilly lace!
Hello, baby.
[Buzzing] Ow.
Doris, that was a wonderful day.
Sure was. And now to cap it off...
Oh, not another cigarette.
No, a big smelly cigar.
Doris, about your smoking...
Well, how can I put this tactfully?
Did you ever notice what happened
to the bailiffs on night court?
You're sweet, honey, but I don't smoke as much as people think.
Awk! Smoking keeps me regular.
[Whistling] No proven link! No proven link!
At least get a smoke detector.
Got one.
Doris, do you ever think about what that stuff
is doing to your lungs?
Yeah. It's holding them together.
It's just too hard to quit.
I gave it up once, though, when I was carrying my son.
You never told me you have a son. Where is he?
I wish I knew.
I had to put him up for adoption.
Really? You know, I'm adopted.
It was 36 years ago.
I'm 36.
He'd make the funniest little noise
when he spit up his milk.
Ach...Ach...Achhung?
Son!
Mother!
Now, wait a minute.
We don't know that for sure yet.
But I really hope it's you.
[Whistling] Jay sherman's a pig. Jay sherman's a pig.
He said that when I bought him.
First thing I must know is,
if you're my mother, who's my father?
I'm not sure.
It was either John f. Kennedy
or the short, fat, bald guy
who always took me to movies and complained about them.
Kennedy was my father?
Ich bin ein Kennedy?
Whoever your father was, he didn't stick around.
I had to give you up.
It was the hardest thing I ever did.
[Grunting]
This kid weighs a ton!
Feed me.
Feed me!
At last I think I know who my real mother is.
Oh, that psychological scar is healed forever.
Now if I could just get past my failed marriage,
my bloodcurdling senior prom,
and my ill-conceived canoe trip through hillbilly country.
[Birds chirping]
[Doorbell dinging]
Good evening, adopted master Jay.
Your little adoption gibes can't hurt me anymore.
[Sniffling] They can't?
Hey, dad, I was wondering if you could tell me
about the day I was adopted.
Oh, I remember it well.
You had the cutest little arms and legs
and a detachable headrest, uh...
Oh...Oh, wait.
That was the day we picked out this chair.
[Moans]
Oh, but isn't it the cutest thing?
Cootchie cootchie coo!
Oh, you've gotten so big!
Now, what has prompted this talk of your adoption?
Mom, dad, this is Doris.
I think she's my real mother.
You're not upset, are you?
Oh, of course not.
Dinner is served.
Good. You can start
by ripping the heart from my chest
and serving it to me on a platter.
And we'll eat my heart tomorrow.
This is my daughter, margo.
Don't you dare try to claim this one.
I remember her birth quite well.
Push, dear. Push.
You did this to me, you lustful brute!
[Groaning]
Someday when you least expect it,
I'll strike back at you like a viper!
That reminds me.
[Grunts]
Going down.
Well, are you ready to enter
and learn the truth about our past?
Nothing could stop me from sharing this moment of discovery.
I'll wait in the car.
By law, you're allowed 3 questions
about your birth parents,
as long as they don't enable you
to identify them in any way.
Oh, all right. 3 questions, huh?
Well, there is something I've always wondered.
Am I Jewish?
Now, what do you think?
I knew it!
♪ Idle didle deedle
♪ idle didle deedle
♪ melochum meckun-lockun shplukas ♪
all right, 2 left.
Uh...I wish to be tall and handsome.
I said questions, not wishes.
I'm a priest, not a genie!
Ok! Uh, last question.
Oh, there's so much I want to know.
Um...Did my mother love me?
With all her heart.
Well, then why did she leave me?
I'm afraid that's 4 questions, lad,
but I would like to give you
a copy of this who are my parents? Home game.
It's orphan-tastic!
Blood tests. It's the only way
we'll ever know for certain.
What brings you to see the doctor?
That is private.
Chronic obesity and pear-shaped figure.
I am not pear-shaped!
Mmm-hmm, take a seat, Mr. bartlett.
That's sherman!
♪ "M" is for the many things ♪
♪ I gave him
♪ "o" is for the orphanage ♪
♪ I dumped him in
I brought you something...
Just in case.
Mother's day cards.
36. One for every year we missed.
Thank you, honey, that's sweet.
Now, sit down. I know a make-up trick
that'll make you look 10 years younger.
Why didn't you use it before?
It was an extra minute out of my day.
Jay, I'm glad I caught you.
Now, you know that dirty dozen remake I'm producing?
Is that that Schwarzenegger movie?
Yeah, he's in it,
and Stallone, Bruce Willis, and Eddie Murphy,
and Michael caine...
Can't make a movie without Michael caine.
Is it good?
It's 5 hours of mind-numbing crap.
But you have to go on the air
and say it's the best thing you've ever seen.
Hey! This is my integrity we're talking about!
Hey, look, boy, I'm in this deep.
Do you know how much it costs
to get Saddam Hussein to play himself?
I had to give him a whole mess of tomahawk missiles.
And once he got 'em,
Stallone wanted 'em, Schwarzenegger wanted 'em...
(Schwarzenegger) Yo, Maria, check this out.
No deposit,
no return.
Look, I may not be handsome or charming,
but I am honest.
I just can't give a bad movie a good review.
Look, boy, you know when I let you stay
in my Florida condo,
well, the shower nozzle was really a camera.
Oh, big deal. So I was naked.
I... I was singing...
And eating a pie.
♪ When the moon hits your eye ♪
♪ like a big apple pie
♪ that's .Amore
[gargling]
Leave him alone or I tell the world
why your fraternity brothers called you "puddles."
What is this, annoy-the-billionaire day?
Since when did you two get so chummy?
Since I found out that this dear, sweet woman
is my long-lost...
important blood test results for Jay and Doris!
Sorry, puddles. Nothing for you today.
This woman is your what?
Make-up lady.
Not anymore.
You're fired.
Hey, I can always get my old job back,
riveting world war ii bombers.
[Sighing]
I'm doomed.
All right, if you let her keep her job,
I'll give your movie a good review.
How many stars? 2.
A million. 2 1/2.
Deal. But you also gotta say,
"Oscar's got a new butt to kiss:
The dirty dozen remake."
All right.
Thanks, Jay.
I guess that says I'm not your mother.
Yeah, but it also says
I have a virus only found in pigs
and I mustn't reproduce and blah-blah-blah.
Hey, you know these tests, they're always wrong.
I'll bet it's right about us.
Well, you know what? I think we're lucky.
Most people, they don't get to pick
who they want in their families,
and we do. Come on.
♪ It won't be a stylish marriage ♪
♪ watch out for that carriage ♪
that's not the lyric.
[Screaming]
[Grunts]
Ow.
(Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed
in the filming of this episode.
Excuse me, sir. The show's over.
But I have nowhere to go.
[All chattering]
Shh.