1 00:00:20,486 --> 00:00:22,154 [Telephone ringing] 2 00:00:23,256 --> 00:00:24,256 Hello? 3 00:00:24,323 --> 00:00:25,890 (Man) Hi, Jay. I'm the winner 4 00:00:25,958 --> 00:00:28,126 of the Jay sherman look-alike contest. 5 00:00:28,194 --> 00:00:30,095 Well, one of my heads is. 6 00:00:50,249 --> 00:00:51,416 [Ice cracking] 7 00:00:51,484 --> 00:00:53,017 [All screaming] 8 00:00:53,086 --> 00:00:54,553 [All groaning] 9 00:01:04,063 --> 00:01:05,397 It stinks! 10 00:01:18,110 --> 00:01:19,744 I do so love this cottage. 11 00:01:19,812 --> 00:01:22,347 I should like to live at Howard's end forever. 12 00:01:22,415 --> 00:01:23,915 You mean Howard stern's end. 13 00:01:23,983 --> 00:01:26,084 I just bought the deed. What do you think of that? 14 00:01:26,152 --> 00:01:27,519 [Sputtering] 15 00:01:27,587 --> 00:01:29,721 Any of you girls want to take your tops off? 16 00:01:29,788 --> 00:01:31,156 Oh, I say! 17 00:01:31,224 --> 00:01:32,524 You say, but you never do. 18 00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:34,226 You never put out. You're like my wife. 19 00:01:35,661 --> 00:01:36,894 That was, of course, 20 00:01:36,962 --> 00:01:39,131 a clip from Howard stern's end. 21 00:01:39,198 --> 00:01:40,832 With me now, distinguished actor: 22 00:01:40,899 --> 00:01:42,367 Sir Roger twice-nightly. 23 00:01:42,435 --> 00:01:45,604 Sir Roger, why in the world did you do this movie? 24 00:01:45,671 --> 00:01:47,139 Because I need the money. 25 00:01:47,206 --> 00:01:48,440 I have 3 mistresses 26 00:01:48,508 --> 00:01:50,775 of various ages and genders in London. 27 00:01:50,843 --> 00:01:52,644 Well, I have 3 roast chickens 28 00:01:52,711 --> 00:01:55,514 of various ages and genders in my apartment. 29 00:01:55,581 --> 00:01:57,649 That's all for today. Join me next week, 30 00:01:57,716 --> 00:01:59,951 when I review the recently restored director's cut 31 00:02:00,019 --> 00:02:03,355 of j. F.K. With 2 hours of new footage. 32 00:02:03,422 --> 00:02:06,124 (Kevin costner) Back and to the left. 33 00:02:06,192 --> 00:02:08,193 Back and to the left. 34 00:02:09,262 --> 00:02:11,396 Back and to the left. 35 00:02:12,532 --> 00:02:14,599 Back and to the left. 36 00:02:15,734 --> 00:02:17,969 Back...And to the left. 37 00:02:20,005 --> 00:02:22,707 Back and to the left. 38 00:02:22,775 --> 00:02:24,476 So, sir Roger, what are you doing next? 39 00:02:24,544 --> 00:02:26,611 I'm in a new Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, 40 00:02:26,679 --> 00:02:28,913 based on the hunchback of notre dame. 41 00:02:28,981 --> 00:02:30,148 It's called hunch. 44 00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:35,987 and see if I'm free. 45 00:02:36,055 --> 00:02:39,023 (Jay) Oh, Ethel, am I free for the theater this evening? 46 00:02:39,091 --> 00:02:40,559 (Woman) You certainly are. 47 00:02:40,626 --> 00:02:43,261 Why don't you take miss Sharon stone? 48 00:02:43,329 --> 00:02:45,863 She's sweet on you, boss. 49 00:02:45,931 --> 00:02:47,832 Really? Sharon stone? 50 00:02:47,900 --> 00:02:49,767 [In a high-pitched voice] You heard me. 51 00:02:49,835 --> 00:02:52,537 Sharon stone. 52 00:02:52,605 --> 00:02:53,805 I'd like you to meet Ethel, 53 00:02:53,872 --> 00:02:55,873 but, uh, she just jumped out the window. 54 00:02:55,941 --> 00:02:59,010 Just take the bloody tickets. 55 00:02:59,078 --> 00:03:02,447 [In a high-pitched voice] Oh, why don't you ever let me meet your friends? 56 00:03:02,515 --> 00:03:04,416 (Jay) Because the last time I did, 57 00:03:04,483 --> 00:03:07,118 you spilled coffee on Mr. Al jolson. 58 00:03:07,186 --> 00:03:09,487 [Mimicking jolson] Ethel, you're spillin' coffee on me! 59 00:03:09,555 --> 00:03:12,757 I'm beggin' ya, put down the percolator, honey-lamb. 60 00:03:13,559 --> 00:03:14,726 [Door slams] 61 00:03:14,793 --> 00:03:16,494 A date for the theater. 62 00:03:16,562 --> 00:03:18,996 Oh, let's check my little black book. 63 00:03:19,064 --> 00:03:20,798 "Triple-a escort service... 64 00:03:20,866 --> 00:03:22,834 "Sister Dominica... 65 00:03:22,901 --> 00:03:24,736 Glen/glenda..." 66 00:03:24,803 --> 00:03:26,037 Loved her, hated him. 67 00:03:26,105 --> 00:03:27,038 Ah! 68 00:03:27,106 --> 00:03:28,506 Hello, Helen! 69 00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:30,675 I'm sorry, Jay. 70 00:03:30,743 --> 00:03:32,810 Helen's in the shower right now. 71 00:03:32,878 --> 00:03:35,580 Still? It's been 3 days since we went out. 72 00:03:35,648 --> 00:03:37,249 Still not clean. 73 00:03:37,316 --> 00:03:39,016 Must scrub harder. 74 00:03:39,084 --> 00:03:40,051 [Grunting] 75 00:03:40,119 --> 00:03:42,887 Unclean! Unclean! 76 00:03:42,955 --> 00:03:44,222 [Car horn honking] 77 00:03:44,290 --> 00:03:45,457 A health club. 78 00:03:45,524 --> 00:03:46,591 That's where I'll meet a woman. 79 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:49,294 [Water bubbling] 80 00:03:49,362 --> 00:03:52,430 Anyone care to join me for a night at the theater? 81 00:03:52,498 --> 00:03:54,866 Wait a minute! That hot tub's not plugged in! 82 00:03:54,933 --> 00:03:56,401 Excuse me! 83 00:03:56,469 --> 00:03:57,636 [Both screaming] 84 00:03:58,738 --> 00:04:00,204 So, ladies, just call in 85 00:04:00,273 --> 00:04:03,275 if you know the name of Spielberg's adorable extraterrestrial. 86 00:04:03,342 --> 00:04:05,109 I'll take the 29th caller. 87 00:04:07,513 --> 00:04:09,447 Cute little alien. Anyone? 88 00:04:09,515 --> 00:04:10,815 Give you a hint: 89 00:04:10,883 --> 00:04:11,949 E... 90 00:04:12,017 --> 00:04:13,351 Oh, we have a caller. 91 00:04:13,419 --> 00:04:14,852 The alien's name was... 92 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:16,755 (Man's voice) Richard dreyfuss? 93 00:04:16,822 --> 00:04:18,390 [Dial tone] 94 00:04:18,457 --> 00:04:20,725 At this point, I'll go with anything that breathes. 95 00:04:20,793 --> 00:04:22,394 Check this out, big boy. 96 00:04:22,461 --> 00:04:23,928 [Inhaling] 97 00:04:23,996 --> 00:04:25,363 [Coughing] 98 00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:29,401 [Choking] 99 00:04:33,572 --> 00:04:34,739 Ahh. 100 00:04:36,141 --> 00:04:37,542 Me go out with you? 101 00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:39,544 You're old enough to be my mother. 102 00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:41,780 So, you're fat enough to be my car. 103 00:04:41,847 --> 00:04:43,682 Besides, I just want to see the show. 104 00:04:43,749 --> 00:04:45,784 All right, all right, I'll take you. 105 00:04:45,851 --> 00:04:47,852 But if anyone asks, 106 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:51,189 you're a doddering heiress, and I'm running through your money. 107 00:04:51,256 --> 00:04:53,725 And I'll tell everyone you're a troll I found 108 00:04:53,793 --> 00:04:55,360 under the tappan zee bridge. 109 00:04:58,331 --> 00:05:00,432 Take it down. We closed. 110 00:05:00,499 --> 00:05:01,966 There is a God. 111 00:05:02,702 --> 00:05:04,703 [Tires screech] 112 00:05:04,770 --> 00:05:06,671 Doris, you look elegant. 113 00:05:06,739 --> 00:05:08,906 After 45 years in the make-up business, 114 00:05:08,974 --> 00:05:10,375 you learn a few secrets: 115 00:05:10,443 --> 00:05:11,976 Tricks with hair, teeth... 116 00:05:12,044 --> 00:05:13,177 Like? 117 00:05:13,245 --> 00:05:15,112 Always wear hair, always wear teeth. 118 00:05:15,180 --> 00:05:16,448 Well, I must say, 119 00:05:16,515 --> 00:05:18,550 I am glad to have a friend with me. 120 00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:25,690 ♪[Orchestra tuning] 121 00:05:26,692 --> 00:05:28,593 ♪[Orchestra playing] 122 00:05:32,197 --> 00:05:35,166 ♪ The one called quasimodo 123 00:05:35,234 --> 00:05:38,302 ♪ sure makes a great scapegoat-o ♪ 124 00:05:38,371 --> 00:05:40,304 ♪ oh, his lumpy shoulders 125 00:05:40,373 --> 00:05:44,041 ♪ shoulder lots of blame 126 00:05:44,109 --> 00:05:47,545 ♪ yes, blame all your cares and woeses ♪ 127 00:05:47,613 --> 00:05:50,548 ♪ on the one with scoliosis 128 00:05:50,616 --> 00:05:52,216 ♪ the hunchback 129 00:05:52,284 --> 00:05:57,188 ♪ of notre dame 130 00:05:59,157 --> 00:06:00,558 that's me! 131 00:06:00,626 --> 00:06:02,694 I shaved for this? 132 00:06:02,762 --> 00:06:04,496 [Both chuckling] 133 00:06:11,737 --> 00:06:16,107 ♪ It's true my back's got a slight crimp ♪ 134 00:06:16,174 --> 00:06:19,577 ♪ like a boiled jumbo shrimp ♪ 135 00:06:19,645 --> 00:06:24,181 (both) ♪ but by the smile in my spine ♪ 136 00:06:24,249 --> 00:06:27,351 ♪ I'll make you mine 137 00:06:27,420 --> 00:06:30,655 ♪ yes, I've got a hunch 138 00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:32,924 ♪ this is 139 00:06:32,991 --> 00:06:37,629 ♪ love 140 00:06:39,364 --> 00:06:42,133 I've got a hunch this bites. 141 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:43,501 [Both laughing] 142 00:06:51,343 --> 00:06:55,379 ♪ Can you hear the silence? ♪ 143 00:06:55,448 --> 00:06:59,016 ♪ the silence of my stone-deaf ♪ 144 00:06:59,084 --> 00:07:02,320 ♪ world? 145 00:07:03,055 --> 00:07:04,355 [Doris coughing] 146 00:07:08,594 --> 00:07:10,094 [Bell chimes] 147 00:07:10,162 --> 00:07:11,930 The bells! The bells! 148 00:07:11,997 --> 00:07:13,798 The cursed bells! 149 00:07:16,101 --> 00:07:18,202 [Ringing] 150 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:25,510 Daddy, can I wear the jammies with the feet? 151 00:07:29,014 --> 00:07:33,651 ♪ So if you see a hunchback 152 00:07:33,719 --> 00:07:38,189 ♪ why not take him out to lunch, Jack ♪ 153 00:07:38,256 --> 00:07:43,327 ♪ to say, hey, thanks a bunch, Mac ♪ 154 00:07:43,395 --> 00:07:47,699 ♪ thank you for being 155 00:07:47,766 --> 00:07:53,204 ♪ a hunch 156 00:07:53,271 --> 00:07:58,175 ♪ a hunch 157 00:07:59,444 --> 00:08:01,913 this performance was sponsored by Toyota, 158 00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:04,315 the hatchback fit for a hunchback! 159 00:08:07,352 --> 00:08:08,853 [Crowd cheering] 160 00:08:11,524 --> 00:08:13,457 I just want to say that you've taught me 161 00:08:13,526 --> 00:08:15,627 that someone can be ugly on the outside 162 00:08:15,694 --> 00:08:17,629 but beautiful on the inside. 163 00:08:17,696 --> 00:08:19,564 I'm not the hunch. I know. 164 00:08:21,433 --> 00:08:23,334 Ah, Mr. sherman. 165 00:08:23,402 --> 00:08:25,970 How nice to see you. 166 00:08:26,038 --> 00:08:29,306 And who is this lovely young lady? 167 00:08:29,374 --> 00:08:31,576 [Speaking russian] 168 00:08:34,279 --> 00:08:35,880 That play was terrible. 169 00:08:35,948 --> 00:08:38,249 Well, that's the kind of thing I see all the time. 170 00:08:38,316 --> 00:08:40,484 Maybe now you see why I'm so cranky. 171 00:08:40,553 --> 00:08:42,353 You know, I'd really hate to be you. 172 00:08:42,421 --> 00:08:44,355 Oh, it's not so tough being a critic. 173 00:08:44,423 --> 00:08:46,424 No, no, I was starting a new topic. 174 00:08:46,491 --> 00:08:48,225 [Both laughing] 175 00:08:49,261 --> 00:08:50,528 Shut up. 176 00:08:50,596 --> 00:08:52,129 [Car horn honking] 177 00:08:52,197 --> 00:08:53,631 (Doris) Would you like to come in? 178 00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:56,968 Uh, you don't have one of those old lady apartments 179 00:08:57,036 --> 00:09:00,304 filled with newspapers and stray cats, do you? 180 00:09:00,372 --> 00:09:02,640 Don't be ridiculous. Now, sit on the plastic 181 00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:04,576 or you don't get any ribbon candy. 182 00:09:05,243 --> 00:09:06,410 It's so big! 183 00:09:06,478 --> 00:09:08,512 Rent controlled since 1946. 184 00:09:08,581 --> 00:09:09,781 How much? 185 00:09:09,848 --> 00:09:12,016 $120 a month. Put down the candlestick. 186 00:09:12,084 --> 00:09:13,517 Huh? 187 00:09:13,586 --> 00:09:15,519 You were going to bash my head in and take my apartment. 188 00:09:15,588 --> 00:09:16,721 I was? 189 00:09:16,789 --> 00:09:18,522 Don't sweat it, honey. I've seen it take over 190 00:09:18,591 --> 00:09:19,891 stronger men than you. 191 00:09:19,959 --> 00:09:21,158 Wine? 192 00:09:21,226 --> 00:09:23,260 That's my fiancee, Earl. 193 00:09:23,328 --> 00:09:24,562 He died in Korea. 194 00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:26,030 Oh, I'm sorry. 195 00:09:26,098 --> 00:09:29,033 Yeah. This picture is my most treasured possession. 196 00:09:29,101 --> 00:09:31,903 Wait, this isn't Earl. This is my brother. 197 00:09:31,971 --> 00:09:33,471 It's been a long time. 198 00:09:33,538 --> 00:09:35,139 No, wait! 199 00:09:35,207 --> 00:09:36,874 It's the great gildersleeve, and he came with the frame. 200 00:09:36,942 --> 00:09:39,243 But enough of my life. There must be more to you 201 00:09:39,311 --> 00:09:41,145 than just criticizing and eating. 202 00:09:41,847 --> 00:09:43,147 [Snoring] 203 00:10:04,436 --> 00:10:06,638 Another satisfied customer. 204 00:10:06,705 --> 00:10:08,339 But just who was the lucky guest star 205 00:10:08,406 --> 00:10:11,509 on last night's love, Jay sherman style? 206 00:10:11,576 --> 00:10:13,811 (Doris) ♪ like a virgin 207 00:10:13,879 --> 00:10:14,879 ♪ hee 208 00:10:14,947 --> 00:10:17,782 ♪ touched for the very first time ♪ 209 00:10:17,850 --> 00:10:21,352 ♪ like a vir-ir-ir-irgen 210 00:10:21,419 --> 00:10:23,287 ♪ when your heart beats 211 00:10:23,355 --> 00:10:25,556 ♪ next to mine 212 00:10:25,624 --> 00:10:27,224 hotchie motchie! 213 00:10:28,727 --> 00:10:30,695 Steady, Jay. No one has to know. 214 00:10:30,763 --> 00:10:32,429 Oh, honey, these shorts are yours. 215 00:10:32,497 --> 00:10:34,632 You left them at my apartment last night. 216 00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:36,968 Shh! Do we have to tell the whole world? 217 00:10:37,036 --> 00:10:38,302 Oh, nobody heard. 218 00:10:38,370 --> 00:10:39,737 There's film critic Jay sherman 219 00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:41,472 and make-up artist Doris Grossman. 220 00:10:41,540 --> 00:10:43,174 Their on again/off again romance 221 00:10:43,241 --> 00:10:45,977 flies in the face of every standard of decency. 222 00:10:46,045 --> 00:10:49,013 Don't you people have a trailer park to go home to? 223 00:10:49,081 --> 00:10:50,815 Twister blew it away. 224 00:10:52,217 --> 00:10:54,719 Wait a minute. You think we slept together? 225 00:10:54,787 --> 00:10:55,853 [Laughing] 226 00:10:55,921 --> 00:10:58,322 You have a body like a marshmallow. 227 00:10:59,591 --> 00:11:01,559 Yeah, and me sleep with you? 228 00:11:01,626 --> 00:11:03,094 You're older than dirt! 229 00:11:05,998 --> 00:11:07,464 Hey! Hey! 230 00:11:07,532 --> 00:11:10,201 You know, I actually had a good time last night. 231 00:11:10,268 --> 00:11:11,368 Me, too. 232 00:11:11,436 --> 00:11:13,637 Maybe we could go out together as friends. 233 00:11:13,706 --> 00:11:16,640 Uh, I don't know. I have a pretty full schedule. 234 00:11:21,814 --> 00:11:23,915 Well, I guess I can fit it in. 235 00:11:23,982 --> 00:11:25,516 (Both) ♪ Daisy 236 00:11:25,584 --> 00:11:27,318 ♪ Daisy 237 00:11:27,385 --> 00:11:31,288 ♪ give me your answer, do 238 00:11:31,356 --> 00:11:33,424 (Doris) You know, seeing all these young people 239 00:11:33,491 --> 00:11:36,293 only reminds me how old I really am. 240 00:11:36,361 --> 00:11:38,262 Oh, you're not that old. 241 00:11:39,064 --> 00:11:40,431 [Screeching] 242 00:11:42,134 --> 00:11:43,334 [Cawing] 243 00:11:48,473 --> 00:11:49,807 What do you say we move on? 244 00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:51,042 I'm with you. 245 00:11:54,613 --> 00:11:57,115 [Cawing] 246 00:11:58,884 --> 00:12:01,252 [Car horn honking] 247 00:12:01,319 --> 00:12:03,520 This story's about a woman who can't speak 248 00:12:03,588 --> 00:12:05,990 but finds her voice through her slide whistle. 249 00:12:06,058 --> 00:12:07,591 ♪[Whistling] 250 00:12:08,861 --> 00:12:10,762 The time's come for us to make love. 251 00:12:10,829 --> 00:12:11,963 ♪[Whistling] 252 00:12:13,899 --> 00:12:15,867 (Man) What do think of me naked? 253 00:12:15,934 --> 00:12:17,168 ♪[Whistling] 254 00:12:17,236 --> 00:12:19,270 This reminds me of my steamy weekend 255 00:12:19,337 --> 00:12:21,472 with Charlie callas. 256 00:12:21,539 --> 00:12:25,076 (Doris) ♪ I'm half-crazy 257 00:12:25,144 --> 00:12:28,179 ♪ all for the love of you ♪ 258 00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:29,647 punch! Punch! 259 00:12:29,714 --> 00:12:31,082 I need my punch! 260 00:12:31,150 --> 00:12:32,716 You asked for it. 261 00:12:34,419 --> 00:12:37,088 Oh, you could see that coming a mile away. 262 00:12:37,156 --> 00:12:38,489 The characters are wooden 263 00:12:38,556 --> 00:12:40,858 and the plot is just an excuse for violence. 264 00:12:40,926 --> 00:12:42,626 You want your money back? 265 00:12:42,694 --> 00:12:44,561 Yeah, let me have it. 266 00:12:44,629 --> 00:12:47,298 I said, "let me have it." 267 00:12:48,667 --> 00:12:51,302 [All laughing] 268 00:12:51,369 --> 00:12:53,905 New York is the greatest city on earth. 269 00:12:56,675 --> 00:12:58,309 Make a wish. 270 00:12:58,376 --> 00:13:01,545 ♪ It won't be a stylish marriage ♪ 271 00:13:01,613 --> 00:13:05,016 ♪ we can't afford a carriage ♪ 272 00:13:05,083 --> 00:13:08,186 no. No! Oh, just when I finally find a friend, 273 00:13:08,253 --> 00:13:09,453 she dies on me. 274 00:13:09,521 --> 00:13:11,022 Why? Why? 275 00:13:11,089 --> 00:13:12,790 [Laughing] Fake out! 276 00:13:12,858 --> 00:13:14,158 Chest tightening, 277 00:13:14,226 --> 00:13:17,628 having heart attack- ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack... 278 00:13:17,696 --> 00:13:19,030 Uh-oh. 279 00:13:19,097 --> 00:13:20,764 ♪ But you'll look sweet ♪ 280 00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:21,833 [buzzing] 281 00:13:21,900 --> 00:13:23,167 ♪ Upon the seat 282 00:13:23,235 --> 00:13:24,202 [buzzing] 283 00:13:24,269 --> 00:13:27,705 ♪ Of a bicycle built for 2 ♪ 284 00:13:27,772 --> 00:13:29,373 [all cheering] 285 00:13:29,441 --> 00:13:30,942 Play chantilly lace! 286 00:13:31,009 --> 00:13:33,077 Hello, baby. 287 00:13:33,145 --> 00:13:35,213 [Buzzing] Ow. 288 00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:37,281 Doris, that was a wonderful day. 289 00:13:37,349 --> 00:13:39,917 Sure was. And now to cap it off... 290 00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:41,685 Oh, not another cigarette. 291 00:13:41,753 --> 00:13:43,687 No, a big smelly cigar. 292 00:13:47,659 --> 00:13:49,426 Doris, about your smoking... 293 00:13:49,494 --> 00:13:51,128 Well, how can I put this tactfully? 294 00:13:51,196 --> 00:13:52,596 Did you ever notice what happened 295 00:13:52,664 --> 00:13:54,232 to the bailiffs on night court? 296 00:13:54,299 --> 00:13:56,968 You're sweet, honey, but I don't smoke as much as people think. 297 00:13:57,035 --> 00:13:59,337 Awk! Smoking keeps me regular. 298 00:13:59,404 --> 00:14:02,106 [Whistling] No proven link! No proven link! 299 00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:04,008 At least get a smoke detector. 300 00:14:04,076 --> 00:14:05,877 Got one. 301 00:14:05,944 --> 00:14:08,512 Doris, do you ever think about what that stuff 302 00:14:08,580 --> 00:14:10,014 is doing to your lungs? 303 00:14:10,082 --> 00:14:11,916 Yeah. It's holding them together. 304 00:14:11,984 --> 00:14:13,284 It's just too hard to quit. 305 00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:16,354 I gave it up once, though, when I was carrying my son. 306 00:14:16,421 --> 00:14:18,789 You never told me you have a son. Where is he? 307 00:14:18,857 --> 00:14:19,924 I wish I knew. 308 00:14:19,992 --> 00:14:21,959 I had to put him up for adoption. 309 00:14:22,027 --> 00:14:23,861 Really? You know, I'm adopted. 310 00:14:23,929 --> 00:14:26,063 It was 36 years ago. 311 00:14:26,131 --> 00:14:27,265 I'm 36. 312 00:14:30,435 --> 00:14:32,270 He'd make the funniest little noise 313 00:14:32,337 --> 00:14:33,771 when he spit up his milk. 314 00:14:33,838 --> 00:14:35,907 Ach...Ach...Achhung? 315 00:14:35,974 --> 00:14:36,941 Son! 316 00:14:37,009 --> 00:14:38,342 Mother! 317 00:14:38,410 --> 00:14:39,443 Now, wait a minute. 318 00:14:39,511 --> 00:14:41,078 We don't know that for sure yet. 319 00:14:41,146 --> 00:14:42,947 But I really hope it's you. 320 00:14:43,015 --> 00:14:46,083 [Whistling] Jay sherman's a pig. Jay sherman's a pig. 321 00:14:46,151 --> 00:14:47,885 He said that when I bought him. 322 00:14:50,455 --> 00:14:51,822 First thing I must know is, 323 00:14:51,890 --> 00:14:53,791 if you're my mother, who's my father? 324 00:14:53,859 --> 00:14:54,859 I'm not sure. 325 00:14:54,926 --> 00:14:56,527 It was either John f. Kennedy 326 00:14:56,595 --> 00:14:58,262 or the short, fat, bald guy 327 00:14:58,329 --> 00:15:00,964 who always took me to movies and complained about them. 328 00:15:01,032 --> 00:15:03,000 Kennedy was my father? 329 00:15:03,067 --> 00:15:04,835 Ich bin ein Kennedy? 330 00:15:04,903 --> 00:15:07,772 Whoever your father was, he didn't stick around. 331 00:15:07,839 --> 00:15:09,106 I had to give you up. 332 00:15:09,173 --> 00:15:10,941 It was the hardest thing I ever did. 333 00:15:12,411 --> 00:15:13,711 [Grunting] 334 00:15:17,048 --> 00:15:19,082 This kid weighs a ton! 335 00:15:19,150 --> 00:15:20,183 Feed me. 336 00:15:20,251 --> 00:15:21,619 Feed me! 337 00:15:21,686 --> 00:15:24,388 At last I think I know who my real mother is. 338 00:15:24,456 --> 00:15:27,458 Oh, that psychological scar is healed forever. 339 00:15:27,526 --> 00:15:30,260 Now if I could just get past my failed marriage, 340 00:15:30,328 --> 00:15:32,463 my bloodcurdling senior prom, 341 00:15:32,531 --> 00:15:36,066 and my ill-conceived canoe trip through hillbilly country. 342 00:15:36,134 --> 00:15:37,367 [Birds chirping] 343 00:15:37,436 --> 00:15:38,569 [Doorbell dinging] 344 00:15:38,637 --> 00:15:41,539 Good evening, adopted master Jay. 345 00:15:41,606 --> 00:15:44,909 Your little adoption gibes can't hurt me anymore. 346 00:15:44,976 --> 00:15:47,144 [Sniffling] They can't? 347 00:15:47,211 --> 00:15:49,212 Hey, dad, I was wondering if you could tell me 348 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:50,748 about the day I was adopted. 349 00:15:50,816 --> 00:15:52,616 Oh, I remember it well. 350 00:15:52,684 --> 00:15:55,285 You had the cutest little arms and legs 351 00:15:55,353 --> 00:15:57,788 and a detachable headrest, uh... 352 00:15:57,856 --> 00:15:59,557 Oh...Oh, wait. 353 00:15:59,624 --> 00:16:01,926 That was the day we picked out this chair. 354 00:16:01,993 --> 00:16:03,060 [Moans] 355 00:16:03,127 --> 00:16:05,395 Oh, but isn't it the cutest thing? 356 00:16:05,464 --> 00:16:07,631 Cootchie cootchie coo! 357 00:16:07,699 --> 00:16:10,067 Oh, you've gotten so big! 358 00:16:10,134 --> 00:16:13,637 Now, what has prompted this talk of your adoption? 359 00:16:13,705 --> 00:16:15,973 Mom, dad, this is Doris. 360 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:17,741 I think she's my real mother. 361 00:16:17,809 --> 00:16:19,009 You're not upset, are you? 362 00:16:19,077 --> 00:16:21,278 Oh, of course not. 363 00:16:21,346 --> 00:16:23,080 Dinner is served. 364 00:16:23,147 --> 00:16:24,615 Good. You can start 365 00:16:24,683 --> 00:16:26,617 by ripping the heart from my chest 366 00:16:26,685 --> 00:16:28,919 and serving it to me on a platter. 367 00:16:28,987 --> 00:16:31,522 And we'll eat my heart tomorrow. 368 00:16:31,590 --> 00:16:33,891 This is my daughter, margo. 369 00:16:33,959 --> 00:16:36,627 Don't you dare try to claim this one. 370 00:16:36,695 --> 00:16:39,062 I remember her birth quite well. 371 00:16:41,399 --> 00:16:43,400 Push, dear. Push. 372 00:16:43,468 --> 00:16:46,737 You did this to me, you lustful brute! 373 00:16:46,805 --> 00:16:48,873 [Groaning] 374 00:16:48,940 --> 00:16:51,041 Someday when you least expect it, 375 00:16:51,109 --> 00:16:53,577 I'll strike back at you like a viper! 376 00:16:54,445 --> 00:16:56,013 That reminds me. 377 00:16:56,982 --> 00:16:58,181 [Grunts] 378 00:16:58,249 --> 00:16:59,316 Going down. 379 00:17:02,521 --> 00:17:04,121 Well, are you ready to enter 380 00:17:04,188 --> 00:17:06,123 and learn the truth about our past? 381 00:17:06,190 --> 00:17:09,259 Nothing could stop me from sharing this moment of discovery. 382 00:17:10,662 --> 00:17:12,195 I'll wait in the car. 383 00:17:12,263 --> 00:17:15,065 By law, you're allowed 3 questions 384 00:17:15,133 --> 00:17:16,466 about your birth parents, 385 00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:18,669 as long as they don't enable you 386 00:17:18,737 --> 00:17:20,638 to identify them in any way. 387 00:17:20,705 --> 00:17:22,439 Oh, all right. 3 questions, huh? 388 00:17:22,507 --> 00:17:24,542 Well, there is something I've always wondered. 389 00:17:24,609 --> 00:17:25,643 Am I Jewish? 390 00:17:25,710 --> 00:17:27,377 Now, what do you think? 391 00:17:27,445 --> 00:17:28,946 I knew it! 392 00:17:29,014 --> 00:17:30,915 ♪ Idle didle deedle 393 00:17:30,982 --> 00:17:32,950 ♪ idle didle deedle 394 00:17:33,018 --> 00:17:35,653 ♪ melochum meckun-lockun shplukas ♪ 395 00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:36,720 all right, 2 left. 396 00:17:36,788 --> 00:17:39,122 Uh...I wish to be tall and handsome. 397 00:17:39,190 --> 00:17:40,858 I said questions, not wishes. 398 00:17:40,926 --> 00:17:42,793 I'm a priest, not a genie! 399 00:17:42,861 --> 00:17:45,395 Ok! Uh, last question. 400 00:17:45,463 --> 00:17:47,531 Oh, there's so much I want to know. 401 00:17:47,599 --> 00:17:49,166 Um...Did my mother love me? 402 00:17:49,233 --> 00:17:50,734 With all her heart. 403 00:17:50,802 --> 00:17:52,636 Well, then why did she leave me? 404 00:17:52,704 --> 00:17:55,439 I'm afraid that's 4 questions, lad, 405 00:17:55,506 --> 00:17:57,007 but I would like to give you 406 00:17:57,075 --> 00:17:59,843 a copy of this who are my parents? Home game. 407 00:17:59,911 --> 00:18:02,412 It's orphan-tastic! 408 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:04,381 Blood tests. It's the only way 409 00:18:04,449 --> 00:18:05,616 we'll ever know for certain. 410 00:18:05,684 --> 00:18:07,417 What brings you to see the doctor? 411 00:18:07,485 --> 00:18:09,019 That is private. 412 00:18:09,087 --> 00:18:12,522 Chronic obesity and pear-shaped figure. 413 00:18:12,591 --> 00:18:14,892 I am not pear-shaped! 414 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:17,661 Mmm-hmm, take a seat, Mr. bartlett. 415 00:18:17,729 --> 00:18:19,329 That's sherman! 416 00:18:19,397 --> 00:18:21,732 ♪ "M" is for the many things ♪ 417 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:24,267 ♪ I gave him 418 00:18:24,335 --> 00:18:26,704 ♪ "o" is for the orphanage ♪ 419 00:18:26,771 --> 00:18:28,806 ♪ I dumped him in 420 00:18:28,873 --> 00:18:30,173 I brought you something... 421 00:18:30,241 --> 00:18:31,408 Just in case. 422 00:18:31,476 --> 00:18:33,376 Mother's day cards. 423 00:18:33,444 --> 00:18:36,179 36. One for every year we missed. 424 00:18:36,247 --> 00:18:38,215 Thank you, honey, that's sweet. 425 00:18:38,282 --> 00:18:40,383 Now, sit down. I know a make-up trick 426 00:18:40,451 --> 00:18:42,352 that'll make you look 10 years younger. 427 00:18:42,420 --> 00:18:43,854 Why didn't you use it before? 428 00:18:43,922 --> 00:18:46,289 It was an extra minute out of my day. 429 00:18:46,357 --> 00:18:47,992 Jay, I'm glad I caught you. 430 00:18:48,059 --> 00:18:50,661 Now, you know that dirty dozen remake I'm producing? 431 00:18:50,729 --> 00:18:52,362 Is that that Schwarzenegger movie? 432 00:18:52,430 --> 00:18:53,764 Yeah, he's in it, 433 00:18:53,832 --> 00:18:56,533 and Stallone, Bruce Willis, and Eddie Murphy, 434 00:18:56,601 --> 00:18:57,935 and Michael caine... 435 00:18:58,003 --> 00:18:59,637 Can't make a movie without Michael caine. 436 00:18:59,704 --> 00:19:00,838 Is it good? 437 00:19:00,905 --> 00:19:03,641 It's 5 hours of mind-numbing crap. 438 00:19:03,708 --> 00:19:04,975 But you have to go on the air 439 00:19:05,043 --> 00:19:07,210 and say it's the best thing you've ever seen. 440 00:19:07,278 --> 00:19:09,980 Hey! This is my integrity we're talking about! 441 00:19:10,048 --> 00:19:11,915 Hey, look, boy, I'm in this deep. 442 00:19:11,983 --> 00:19:13,283 Do you know how much it costs 443 00:19:13,351 --> 00:19:15,385 to get Saddam Hussein to play himself? 444 00:19:15,453 --> 00:19:18,255 I had to give him a whole mess of tomahawk missiles. 445 00:19:18,322 --> 00:19:19,589 And once he got 'em, 446 00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:22,425 Stallone wanted 'em, Schwarzenegger wanted 'em... 447 00:19:22,493 --> 00:19:25,262 (Schwarzenegger) Yo, Maria, check this out. 448 00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:30,801 No deposit, 449 00:19:30,869 --> 00:19:32,369 no return. 450 00:19:32,436 --> 00:19:35,072 Look, I may not be handsome or charming, 451 00:19:35,140 --> 00:19:36,774 but I am honest. 452 00:19:36,841 --> 00:19:39,276 I just can't give a bad movie a good review. 453 00:19:39,343 --> 00:19:41,444 Look, boy, you know when I let you stay 454 00:19:41,512 --> 00:19:43,147 in my Florida condo, 455 00:19:43,214 --> 00:19:46,283 well, the shower nozzle was really a camera. 456 00:19:46,350 --> 00:19:49,319 Oh, big deal. So I was naked. 457 00:19:49,387 --> 00:19:50,754 I... I was singing... 458 00:19:50,822 --> 00:19:52,455 And eating a pie. 459 00:19:52,523 --> 00:19:55,192 ♪ When the moon hits your eye ♪ 460 00:19:55,259 --> 00:19:57,294 ♪ like a big apple pie 461 00:19:57,361 --> 00:19:59,529 ♪ that's .Amore 462 00:19:59,597 --> 00:20:00,898 [gargling] 463 00:20:00,965 --> 00:20:03,466 Leave him alone or I tell the world 464 00:20:03,534 --> 00:20:06,636 why your fraternity brothers called you "puddles." 465 00:20:06,705 --> 00:20:09,539 What is this, annoy-the-billionaire day? 466 00:20:09,607 --> 00:20:12,275 Since when did you two get so chummy? 467 00:20:12,343 --> 00:20:14,912 Since I found out that this dear, sweet woman 468 00:20:14,979 --> 00:20:16,279 is my long-lost... 469 00:20:16,347 --> 00:20:18,281 important blood test results for Jay and Doris! 470 00:20:18,349 --> 00:20:20,684 Sorry, puddles. Nothing for you today. 471 00:20:20,752 --> 00:20:22,186 This woman is your what? 472 00:20:23,021 --> 00:20:24,421 Make-up lady. 473 00:20:26,624 --> 00:20:28,025 Not anymore. 474 00:20:28,093 --> 00:20:29,392 You're fired. 475 00:20:29,460 --> 00:20:31,695 Hey, I can always get my old job back, 476 00:20:31,763 --> 00:20:34,031 riveting world war ii bombers. 477 00:20:34,099 --> 00:20:35,132 [Sighing] 478 00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:37,201 I'm doomed. 479 00:20:37,268 --> 00:20:39,837 All right, if you let her keep her job, 480 00:20:39,904 --> 00:20:42,005 I'll give your movie a good review. 481 00:20:42,073 --> 00:20:43,306 How many stars? 2. 482 00:20:43,374 --> 00:20:44,608 A million. 2 1/2. 483 00:20:44,675 --> 00:20:46,409 Deal. But you also gotta say, 484 00:20:46,477 --> 00:20:48,746 "Oscar's got a new butt to kiss: 485 00:20:48,813 --> 00:20:50,447 The dirty dozen remake." 486 00:20:50,514 --> 00:20:51,949 All right. 487 00:20:52,016 --> 00:20:53,250 Thanks, Jay. 488 00:20:53,317 --> 00:20:55,352 I guess that says I'm not your mother. 489 00:20:55,419 --> 00:20:56,586 Yeah, but it also says 490 00:20:56,654 --> 00:20:59,022 I have a virus only found in pigs 491 00:20:59,090 --> 00:21:01,458 and I mustn't reproduce and blah-blah-blah. 492 00:21:01,525 --> 00:21:03,827 Hey, you know these tests, they're always wrong. 493 00:21:03,895 --> 00:21:05,495 I'll bet it's right about us. 494 00:21:05,563 --> 00:21:07,464 Well, you know what? I think we're lucky. 495 00:21:07,531 --> 00:21:08,966 Most people, they don't get to pick 496 00:21:09,033 --> 00:21:10,367 who they want in their families, 497 00:21:10,434 --> 00:21:11,668 and we do. Come on. 498 00:21:13,138 --> 00:21:16,807 ♪ It won't be a stylish marriage ♪ 499 00:21:16,875 --> 00:21:19,810 ♪ watch out for that carriage ♪ 500 00:21:19,878 --> 00:21:21,111 that's not the lyric. 501 00:21:21,179 --> 00:21:22,612 [Screaming] 502 00:21:23,181 --> 00:21:24,748 [Grunts] 503 00:21:24,816 --> 00:21:25,783 Ow. 504 00:22:16,100 --> 00:22:17,767 (Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated. 505 00:22:17,836 --> 00:22:18,969 No celebrities were harmed 506 00:22:19,037 --> 00:22:21,205 in the filming of this episode. 507 00:22:26,044 --> 00:22:28,111 Excuse me, sir. The show's over. 508 00:22:28,179 --> 00:22:30,113 But I have nowhere to go. 509 00:22:31,716 --> 00:22:32,716 [All chattering] 510 00:22:32,783 --> 00:22:33,750 Shh.