[Telephone ringing]
Hello.
(Man) Uh, hello, Mr. sherman, this is the fire department.
Your building is on fire.
We would have called sooner,
but your neighbors asked us not to wake you.
[Ice cracking]
[All screaming]
[All groaning]
[Rumbling]
[Clattering]
It stinks.
[Clicks]
Hello and welcome to coming attractions.
Tonight we'll be reviewing Tony Curtis
in the bad news mets.
All right.
Which one of you threw that firecracker at the little girl?
You're off the team.
All right, I'm making a lineup.
Who's gotta go to court today?
You're off the team.
Now, who impregnated my daughter?
Oh, marvelous.
Feh! But first, it's time for a segment I call
"when films didn't stink so much."
Tonight we'll pay tribute to silent film comedian,
Silas b. Manchester.
Here's a clip from his film,
hold the mustard gas.
♪[Ragtime music playing]
Silas began his career at age 3,
when he starred with his family
in the vaudeville production, life at our house.
As a young man, Silas made the transition to films
with his classic character, "the dirty immigrant."
Unfortunately, like many stars of the silent screen,
Silas could not make the transition to color.
♪[Singing offenbach's French cancan]
I was honored to be granted an audience
with this comedic genius at his Burbank home.
but it's really potato chips.
[Crunching]
Mmm.
Well, it must bring you much happiness to know
millions of people still laugh at your incredible stunts.
I live every moment of every day
with unimaginable pain
followed by brief moments of less pain.
[Groaning]
Please help me restore the films of Silas b. Manchester.
They were shot with ultra-flammable nitrate film stock,
which, for some reason,
was then soaked in kerosene.
[Dog barking]
[Squeaking]
That's our show.
Tune in next week when I'll be reviewing
will work for food.
The hot new comedy based on the popular son.
[Glass shattering]
Oh, my God! Fire!
Help!
Oh, dear. I got to go back.
Mmm. Chocolate.
I can't die like this.
I have holes in my little mermaid underwear.
Help!
What a wimp!
I don't know why I hired him.
You were whacked-out on painkillers for your back.
Oh, yeah.
That was the same week I bought those pandas.
Hong-ping, don't eat daddy's Picasso.
[Grunts]
This is it, I'm gonna die!
I'll see you in hell, justine Bateman!
Coming up next, the crispy critic.
Man, you got it all.
Handsome as beavis, funny as butthead.
Mmm, smoke.
[Crackling]
It looks like hell, but it smells like heaven.
Doris, help.
[Coughing]
What did you ever do for me?
I saved you from a burning building
when you were overcome by smoke.
I don't see how that's relevant.
Ouch! Ow!
Ow!
Just let me know if you're suffering any brain damage.
Dance with me, Tony! Dance with me.
You're fine.
Would you like to sell your story to fox,
to be made as a t.V. Movie?
At a.B.C., we can get you Brian dennehy.
To do what?
Make coffee, run errands, you name it.
[Helicopters whirring]
As a result of this isolated fire,
looting has broken out in midtown Manhattan,
the Bronx, and Los Angeles.
[Squeaking]
You must be very appreciative of this woman.
She's like the proverbial mother
who lifted the volkswagen off her child.
Except you are the volkswagen,
and the child is the child in all of us.
What are you talking about?
I don't know. I was hired for my looks.
But one thing is certain,
you disgust me.
A grown man like you
needing a withery old bat like her to save him.
Amen, brother.
You, sir, are the biggest wuss
on the island of Manhattan.
Oh, yeah? What about the guy in m. Butterfly?
You heard me.
I'm so ashamed.
I've embarrassed myself in front of the whole world.
Don't worry, dad.
I'm sure it'll blow over soon.
(Man on t.V.) Tonight's regularly scheduled program,
cops goes to Shannon Doherty's house
will not be seen
so we can bring you the following fox original movie,
the cowering inferno: The Jay sherman story.
Starring Jessica tandy as the courageous Doris
and sumo wrestler toru sakai
as the cowardly film critic.
Help! Help! I've got to go potty.
Did you really say that, dad?
I may have screamed the word potty,
but they took it way out of context.
Son, I've never been so ashamed.
(All) Boo!
(Man) Jerk!
Ignore them, Mr. sherman.
Vlada is still your friend.
Thanks, man.
Serve him the tainted clams.
I never felt so wimpy in my whole life.
How come you never question your manhood?
I sleep with many beautiful women,
I drive fast cars, and carry an unlicensed gun.
I play judge, jury, and executioner
for this scum-filled world.
But that's in the movies, that's not reality.
They're not all movies.
One was an episode of the commish.
Well, I'm going to change.
From now on, I want to be a macho, macho man.
[Slurping]
Can I freshen your Tommy tune?
No. But give me a Harvey fierstein.
[Imitating Harvey fierstein] Hold the meringue. It goes straight to my thighs.
Got to be macho. Got to be macho.
Got to be macho?
[Whimpering]
[Shivering]
It's wonderful! I am Rambo!
[Gurgling]
[Screaming]
[Gurgling]
[Thuds]
[Screaming]
[Gurgling]
[Screams]
[Choking]
[Howling]
Mommy, why did you abandon me?
Father, why did you have to leave me?
Daddy! Daddy!
Keep it down, son.
I'm trying to get it to rain Harvey's Bristol cream.
[Drumming]
[Ice rattling]
This'll turn my image around.
Because nothing turns on the chicks like a human fly,
or was it Spanish fly?
Yo, fly, give me your wallet.
Help me.
That's it! I'm gonna run in the New York marathon.
That's the only way to regain my dignity.
Hmm. It seems to be hailing.
Well, a real man likes a little hail in his face.
Ah!
(Woman) Johnny, don't empty the cat box out the window.
May I help you?
I'd like to run in the marathon.
Everyone taking part in the Elvis relay team
is supposed to sign up over there.
[Grunting]
I am not an Elvis impersonator.
His films were a disgrace to the cinema.
I thought he was sexy.
♪ Well, since my baby left me ♪
♪ well, I found a new place to dwell ♪
♪ well, it's down at the end of lonely street ♪
♪ that's heartbreak hotel
♪ well, I'm a
♪ I been so lonely, baby
♪ well, I'm so lonely
♪ I been so lonely
♪ I could die
oh, Elvis!
[Imitating elvis] Thank you very much.
Now, why on earth would you want to run in a marathon?
To prove I'm a man.
Rosalie, you changed his diapers,
tell him he's a man.
[Laughs]
Yes, he's a man...
In the way miniature golf is still golf.
Look, mom, I've got to do this.
All my life, I've felt physically inept.
(Boy) We'll take Marshall flex.
We'll take Marshall's little sister.
Huh? Huh?
Huh?
We'll take myrna, the lunch lady.
And we'll take Phil, the undercover narc.
I'm going in the game.
You know who should train you, your father.
I was quite an athlete in my day.
Just look at this.
Oh, whoopsy.
Now, you run to that lighthouse and back
and I will time you.
[Grunting]
We found him lying by the side of the ocean.
We're doing our darnedest to keep him moist.
My son is not a whale.
Oh, whatever he is, he just ate a bucket of chum.
Now, shackleford,
you hold Jay's feet while he does sit-ups.
Eee?
Sir, isn't this the day I usually give enemas to the horses?
Please say it is.
♪[Music playing]
What does this exercise do?
Makes me laugh.
[Laughing]
I'm going to drive the car down the road.
When you reach me, we'll be done for the day.
[Tires screeching]
[Panting]
Dad?
Dad, where are you?
[Horn honking]
Hello. This is the new lean, mean, Jay sherman.
If you don't believe me, check this out.
I can't hold a pencil under my breast anymore.
[Cheers]
Our first film tonight is an exciting new biopic,
ike Turner: I, story.
Tina, I love you.
But if you need to go solo
to satisfy yourself artistically, I understand.
I more than understand.
I respect you for it.
You were the greatest lover who ever walked the planet.
I'll always love you, ike.
My work is done here.
Now Rick James and I
are gonna go found the national organization for women.
I hear you're running in the marathon, son.
We'll pay all your expenses if you run in this shirt.
Hmm? Huh?
[Laughing]
I'm not wearing that.
You're not doing this for me, you're doing it for Webster,
a sassy little orphan boy
who was taken in by a brutish white couple
but still spreads joy, weekdays at 5:00, 6:00, and 7:00.
Do you believe any of what you just said?
Jay, you got to help me.
I thought I was buying diff'rent strokes.
Doris, I know I'm not gonna win the marathon,
but I just want to finish.
You'll do fine.
Just remember this poem.
"Never quit, though your heart may pound
"and you're short of breath,
for quitting, my friend, is a fate worse than death."
That's great.
I read it in smoker's digest.
Hello, vlada.
Tonight I'm on a diet.
Tell vlada junior, no Harvard.
In fact, I may just have coffee.
Pull the plug on mama.
Dad, I want to thank you for all the help you gave me.
Jay, I may seem like a silly old man to you,
but I think you've got the heart of a champion.
Gee, thanks.
Just remember, when the judges are watching,
don't sniff the other dogs' behinds.
There will be time for that later.
Hello, I'm Bob costas
and this is the moment we've all been waiting for,
the start of the 1994 New York marathon.
[Gun firing]
That wasn't the starting gun.
That was just some stray gunfire
that hit the b.F. Skidmark blimp.
Can we get a shot from the blimp?
[Whirring]
And they're off.
First gear. Vroom! Vroom!
2nd gear. Vroom! Vroom!
Turn on the nitro boosters!
Vroom!
(Bob costas) Morbidly obese film critic Jay sherman
has taken the lead.
Do you believe in miracles?
[Panting]
[Gasping]
[Groans]
Welcome back to our coverage of the New York marathon,
brought to you by bloat beer.
After you've raced, go out and get faced.
Now it's time to get inside the jock
with some of the more courageous athletes who compete in the race,
like New York's own governor, Mario cuomo.
After deep soul-searching, I have decided to run.
I have decided not to run.
Please, Mario, we want you to run!
The people have spoken. I am running.
Uh, maybe next year.
Then there's Charlie Phillips,
who's running the entire marathon
with a live ferret in his pants.
It's not by choice.
[Panting]
Hello, mate. You realize I can walk
as fast as you can run?
Even on my hands, I'm faster than you.
Look, maybe if we talk about something else,
it will keep my mind off the race.
Good idea. Yesterday I got a call from my agent.
They want me to star in rubik's cube, the movie.
Now, in the film, I'm given this puzzle.
If I don't solve it in one hour,
a planeload of supermodels will die.
Ok, that's enough.
Now, the problem is, I'm color-blind,
but my partner isn't.
Now, here's the hook. My partner is a dog.
Please, this isn't working.
You know who they're gonna get to play the voice of the dog?
Roger Clinton!
Could you move a little to your right?
All right, but...
[screaming]
[Splashing]
Thank you.
I'll show you all.
The tortoise shall beat the hare.
That's it. I can't go on.
I'm just not a man.
What kind of future do I have?
(Announcer) And now the k.D. Lounge is proud to present
the voluptuous Jay sherman!
♪ I wanna be loved by you
♪ just you
♪ and nobody else but you ♪
hee!
(Man) Yo!
[Crowd laughing]
Wow! He's the best Barbara bush I've ever seen.
I swore I was going to finish this race,
and that's what I'm going to do.
♪ Boo-boop-bee-doo
look. Here he comes.
No. That's the gentleman with the ferret in his pants.
Hey, they laughed at Christopher Columbus.
(Butler) No, they didn't.
Well, they would have, if he'd had a ferret in his pants.
[Panting]
I'm getting a runner's high. I've heard about this.
That's when you break through the pain and the world becomes
a beautiful place.
♪ Come on along and listen to ♪
♪ the lullaby of Broadway
♪ the hip-hooray and ballyhoo ♪
♪ the lullaby of Broadway
3-card monte!
Is this the red card?
They're all red!
Here's your money!
[Laughing]
♪ The rumble of a subway train ♪
♪ the rattle of the taxis
♪ the daffodils who entertain ♪
♪ at angelo's and maxie's
[whistling]
Where to, mister?
Harlem. Hop in.
The meter's broken, so you ride free.
♪ Come on along and listen to ♪
♪ the lullaby of Broadway
♪ oh, yeah
[helicopter whirring]
[Gun firing]
Lewd nudes.
They're fat, they're ugly, they smell like garbage,
but they're nude.
Got to give me that.
Oh.
[Panting]
Oh, my God, the finish line!
I can't believe it. I'm actually going to go the distance!
From the stench, it's obvious he's been dead for several hours.
The deceased appears to be about 70 years old.
I've been declared dead by better coroners than you.
[Screams]
We interrupt a.B.C.'S who cares? It's Thursday lineup
for this special bulletin.
Jay sherman, around the block in 80 days.
We're still waiting for runner Jay sherman
to finish the New York marathon
17 hours after it started.
Which is ironic, because to walk the route
only takes 13 hours.
In fact, this 78-year-old man just completed the race
while pulling a bus with his teeth.
I did this to show that instead of putting old people into nursing homes,
you could turn us into slaves and pack animals.
Oh, nuts!
[Grunting]
Whoo-hoo! Sherman's gone!
Let's release that unwatchable Steve guttenberg movie, quick.
Uh, which one?
[Panting]
Jay, are you all right?
Jeremy! I'm so glad to see you.
I've been thinking about that wonderful rubik's cube movie.
So, what happens? Do the supermodels die?
It would be so sad if they did.
Jay, you look like you need help.
Fortunately, I've got a nurse with me.
I'm not a nurse, I'm a stewardess.
Oh, well, Jay, it looks like you could use a kosher meal.
A little kugel maybe you have?
Hey, look, I think I see him!
Hey, hey, hey! It's fat Albert.
[Imitating mushmouth]
Come on, Jay!
You can do it!
[Cheering]
Yay, dad!
I'm so proud of you.
Bravo, son. Bravo.
I did it! I made it!
I'm a man.
I don't need this runner's bra anymore.
Now don't stop moving, or you'll cramp up.
Huh?
[Creaking]
Ow.
Dad, watching you run that marathon
was the proudest 2-and-a-half days of my life.
Thanks, son.
When I grow up, I want to be a man just like you.
Thanks, son. Now, could you roll me over?
I think I maybe lying on top of a dead cat.
[Meowing]
No, he's fine.
[Chomping]
[Slurping]
(Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Uh, excuse me, sir. This show's over.
I'm stuck in the chair.
[Chattering]
Shh!