1 00:00:20,836 --> 00:00:22,603 [Telephone ringing] 2 00:00:23,439 --> 00:00:24,839 Hello. 3 00:00:24,907 --> 00:00:26,741 (Man) Uh, hello, Mr. sherman, this is the fire department. 4 00:00:26,808 --> 00:00:28,609 Your building is on fire. 5 00:00:28,677 --> 00:00:29,844 We would have called sooner, 6 00:00:29,912 --> 00:00:32,080 but your neighbors asked us not to wake you. 7 00:00:52,134 --> 00:00:53,168 [Ice cracking] 8 00:00:53,235 --> 00:00:54,436 [All screaming] 9 00:00:54,603 --> 00:00:56,037 [All groaning] 10 00:01:01,277 --> 00:01:02,210 [Rumbling] 11 00:01:03,179 --> 00:01:04,112 [Clattering] 12 00:01:05,948 --> 00:01:07,215 It stinks. 13 00:01:09,385 --> 00:01:10,651 [Clicks] 14 00:01:19,512 --> 00:01:22,430 Hello and welcome to coming attractions. 15 00:01:22,498 --> 00:01:24,332 Tonight we'll be reviewing Tony Curtis 16 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:26,134 in the bad news mets. 17 00:01:28,170 --> 00:01:29,870 All right. 18 00:01:29,938 --> 00:01:32,073 Which one of you threw that firecracker at the little girl? 19 00:01:32,841 --> 00:01:35,410 You're off the team. 20 00:01:35,478 --> 00:01:36,911 All right, I'm making a lineup. 21 00:01:36,979 --> 00:01:38,946 Who's gotta go to court today? 22 00:01:39,915 --> 00:01:41,449 You're off the team. 23 00:01:42,851 --> 00:01:45,120 Now, who impregnated my daughter? 24 00:01:46,455 --> 00:01:48,323 Oh, marvelous. 25 00:01:48,390 --> 00:01:51,959 Feh! But first, it's time for a segment I call 26 00:01:52,027 --> 00:01:55,196 "when films didn't stink so much." 27 00:01:55,264 --> 00:01:57,599 Tonight we'll pay tribute to silent film comedian, 28 00:01:57,666 --> 00:01:59,167 Silas b. Manchester. 29 00:01:59,235 --> 00:02:00,535 Here's a clip from his film, 30 00:02:00,603 --> 00:02:02,370 hold the mustard gas. 31 00:02:02,438 --> 00:02:04,339 ♪[Ragtime music playing] 32 00:02:15,251 --> 00:02:17,285 Silas began his career at age 3, 33 00:02:17,353 --> 00:02:18,853 when he starred with his family 34 00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:21,356 in the vaudeville production, life at our house. 35 00:02:26,495 --> 00:02:29,230 As a young man, Silas made the transition to films 36 00:02:29,298 --> 00:02:31,499 with his classic character, "the dirty immigrant." 37 00:02:42,211 --> 00:02:45,380 Unfortunately, like many stars of the silent screen, 38 00:02:45,447 --> 00:02:48,783 Silas could not make the transition to color. 39 00:02:48,850 --> 00:02:51,786 ♪[Singing offenbach's French cancan] 40 00:02:56,192 --> 00:02:58,193 I was honored to be granted an audience 41 00:02:58,260 --> 00:03:01,062 with this comedic genius at his Burbank home. 44 00:03:04,466 --> 00:03:06,534 but it's really potato chips. 45 00:03:07,403 --> 00:03:08,703 [Crunching] 46 00:03:09,505 --> 00:03:10,538 Mmm. 47 00:03:10,606 --> 00:03:12,940 Well, it must bring you much happiness to know 48 00:03:13,008 --> 00:03:16,110 millions of people still laugh at your incredible stunts. 49 00:03:16,178 --> 00:03:18,713 I live every moment of every day 50 00:03:18,780 --> 00:03:20,515 with unimaginable pain 51 00:03:20,583 --> 00:03:23,418 followed by brief moments of less pain. 52 00:03:23,485 --> 00:03:24,752 [Groaning] 53 00:03:26,988 --> 00:03:30,692 Please help me restore the films of Silas b. Manchester. 54 00:03:30,759 --> 00:03:33,695 They were shot with ultra-flammable nitrate film stock, 55 00:03:33,762 --> 00:03:34,762 which, for some reason, 56 00:03:34,830 --> 00:03:36,531 was then soaked in kerosene. 57 00:03:39,201 --> 00:03:40,468 [Dog barking] 58 00:03:40,536 --> 00:03:41,836 [Squeaking] 59 00:03:47,309 --> 00:03:48,509 That's our show. 60 00:03:48,577 --> 00:03:50,211 Tune in next week when I'll be reviewing 61 00:03:50,279 --> 00:03:51,746 will work for food. 62 00:03:51,813 --> 00:03:54,415 The hot new comedy based on the popular son. 63 00:03:54,483 --> 00:03:56,417 [Glass shattering] 64 00:03:56,485 --> 00:03:58,253 Oh, my God! Fire! 65 00:03:58,320 --> 00:03:59,520 Help! 66 00:03:59,588 --> 00:04:01,556 Oh, dear. I got to go back. 67 00:04:02,558 --> 00:04:04,559 Mmm. Chocolate. 68 00:04:04,627 --> 00:04:06,060 I can't die like this. 69 00:04:06,128 --> 00:04:08,896 I have holes in my little mermaid underwear. 70 00:04:08,964 --> 00:04:10,164 Help! 71 00:04:10,232 --> 00:04:11,366 What a wimp! 72 00:04:11,433 --> 00:04:12,800 I don't know why I hired him. 73 00:04:12,868 --> 00:04:15,102 You were whacked-out on painkillers for your back. 74 00:04:15,170 --> 00:04:16,437 Oh, yeah. 75 00:04:16,505 --> 00:04:18,539 That was the same week I bought those pandas. 76 00:04:18,607 --> 00:04:21,376 Hong-ping, don't eat daddy's Picasso. 77 00:04:21,443 --> 00:04:23,043 [Grunts] 78 00:04:23,111 --> 00:04:24,245 This is it, I'm gonna die! 79 00:04:24,313 --> 00:04:26,781 I'll see you in hell, justine Bateman! 80 00:04:26,848 --> 00:04:29,250 Coming up next, the crispy critic. 81 00:04:29,318 --> 00:04:30,985 Man, you got it all. 82 00:04:31,052 --> 00:04:33,621 Handsome as beavis, funny as butthead. 83 00:04:36,258 --> 00:04:37,925 Mmm, smoke. 84 00:04:38,927 --> 00:04:40,762 [Crackling] 85 00:04:40,829 --> 00:04:44,231 It looks like hell, but it smells like heaven. 86 00:04:44,300 --> 00:04:46,367 Doris, help. 87 00:04:46,435 --> 00:04:47,669 [Coughing] 88 00:04:47,736 --> 00:04:49,537 What did you ever do for me? 89 00:04:49,605 --> 00:04:51,238 I saved you from a burning building 90 00:04:51,307 --> 00:04:53,140 when you were overcome by smoke. 91 00:04:53,208 --> 00:04:54,975 I don't see how that's relevant. 92 00:04:55,043 --> 00:04:56,477 Ouch! Ow! 93 00:04:56,545 --> 00:04:57,978 Ow! 94 00:04:58,046 --> 00:05:00,214 Just let me know if you're suffering any brain damage. 95 00:05:00,282 --> 00:05:02,650 Dance with me, Tony! Dance with me. 96 00:05:02,718 --> 00:05:04,552 You're fine. 97 00:05:04,620 --> 00:05:06,454 Would you like to sell your story to fox, 98 00:05:06,522 --> 00:05:08,923 to be made as a t.V. Movie? 99 00:05:08,990 --> 00:05:11,225 At a.B.C., we can get you Brian dennehy. 100 00:05:11,293 --> 00:05:12,460 To do what? 101 00:05:12,528 --> 00:05:14,729 Make coffee, run errands, you name it. 102 00:05:14,797 --> 00:05:16,531 [Helicopters whirring] 103 00:05:18,500 --> 00:05:20,435 As a result of this isolated fire, 104 00:05:20,502 --> 00:05:22,603 looting has broken out in midtown Manhattan, 105 00:05:22,671 --> 00:05:25,172 the Bronx, and Los Angeles. 106 00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:26,541 [Squeaking] 107 00:05:30,045 --> 00:05:31,946 You must be very appreciative of this woman. 108 00:05:32,013 --> 00:05:33,514 She's like the proverbial mother 109 00:05:33,582 --> 00:05:35,282 who lifted the volkswagen off her child. 110 00:05:35,351 --> 00:05:36,951 Except you are the volkswagen, 111 00:05:37,018 --> 00:05:39,520 and the child is the child in all of us. 112 00:05:39,588 --> 00:05:41,322 What are you talking about? 113 00:05:41,390 --> 00:05:44,826 I don't know. I was hired for my looks. 114 00:05:44,893 --> 00:05:46,327 But one thing is certain, 115 00:05:46,395 --> 00:05:47,729 you disgust me. 116 00:05:47,796 --> 00:05:49,263 A grown man like you 117 00:05:49,331 --> 00:05:51,265 needing a withery old bat like her to save him. 118 00:05:51,333 --> 00:05:53,033 Amen, brother. 119 00:05:53,101 --> 00:05:54,769 You, sir, are the biggest wuss 120 00:05:54,837 --> 00:05:56,537 on the island of Manhattan. 121 00:05:56,605 --> 00:05:59,206 Oh, yeah? What about the guy in m. Butterfly? 122 00:05:59,274 --> 00:06:00,140 You heard me. 123 00:06:01,142 --> 00:06:02,510 I'm so ashamed. 124 00:06:02,578 --> 00:06:05,613 I've embarrassed myself in front of the whole world. 125 00:06:05,681 --> 00:06:06,947 Don't worry, dad. 126 00:06:07,015 --> 00:06:09,149 I'm sure it'll blow over soon. 127 00:06:09,217 --> 00:06:11,218 (Man on t.V.) Tonight's regularly scheduled program, 128 00:06:11,286 --> 00:06:13,153 cops goes to Shannon Doherty's house 129 00:06:13,221 --> 00:06:14,955 will not be seen 130 00:06:15,023 --> 00:06:17,425 so we can bring you the following fox original movie, 131 00:06:17,493 --> 00:06:21,829 the cowering inferno: The Jay sherman story. 132 00:06:21,897 --> 00:06:24,766 Starring Jessica tandy as the courageous Doris 133 00:06:24,833 --> 00:06:27,167 and sumo wrestler toru sakai 134 00:06:27,235 --> 00:06:29,437 as the cowardly film critic. 135 00:06:29,505 --> 00:06:32,807 Help! Help! I've got to go potty. 136 00:06:32,875 --> 00:06:35,042 Did you really say that, dad? 137 00:06:35,110 --> 00:06:37,478 I may have screamed the word potty, 138 00:06:37,546 --> 00:06:40,080 but they took it way out of context. 139 00:06:40,148 --> 00:06:42,383 Son, I've never been so ashamed. 140 00:06:45,621 --> 00:06:47,321 (All) Boo! 141 00:06:47,389 --> 00:06:48,956 (Man) Jerk! 142 00:06:49,024 --> 00:06:51,325 Ignore them, Mr. sherman. 143 00:06:51,393 --> 00:06:53,694 Vlada is still your friend. 144 00:06:53,762 --> 00:06:55,496 Thanks, man. 145 00:06:55,564 --> 00:06:57,598 Serve him the tainted clams. 146 00:06:59,301 --> 00:07:01,869 I never felt so wimpy in my whole life. 147 00:07:01,937 --> 00:07:04,238 How come you never question your manhood? 148 00:07:04,306 --> 00:07:05,940 I sleep with many beautiful women, 149 00:07:06,007 --> 00:07:08,743 I drive fast cars, and carry an unlicensed gun. 150 00:07:08,811 --> 00:07:11,211 I play judge, jury, and executioner 151 00:07:11,279 --> 00:07:12,947 for this scum-filled world. 152 00:07:13,014 --> 00:07:15,349 But that's in the movies, that's not reality. 153 00:07:15,417 --> 00:07:16,617 They're not all movies. 154 00:07:16,685 --> 00:07:18,553 One was an episode of the commish. 155 00:07:18,620 --> 00:07:19,921 Well, I'm going to change. 156 00:07:19,988 --> 00:07:22,857 From now on, I want to be a macho, macho man. 157 00:07:23,592 --> 00:07:25,326 [Slurping] 158 00:07:25,393 --> 00:07:27,027 Can I freshen your Tommy tune? 159 00:07:27,095 --> 00:07:29,163 No. But give me a Harvey fierstein. 160 00:07:29,230 --> 00:07:32,500 [Imitating Harvey fierstein] Hold the meringue. It goes straight to my thighs. 161 00:07:33,702 --> 00:07:35,970 Got to be macho. Got to be macho. 162 00:07:37,439 --> 00:07:39,073 Got to be macho? 163 00:07:39,140 --> 00:07:40,475 [Whimpering] 164 00:07:41,276 --> 00:07:42,577 [Shivering] 165 00:07:44,746 --> 00:07:47,915 It's wonderful! I am Rambo! 166 00:07:48,984 --> 00:07:49,917 [Gurgling] 167 00:07:50,452 --> 00:07:53,053 [Screaming] 168 00:07:55,256 --> 00:07:56,123 [Gurgling] 169 00:07:56,191 --> 00:07:57,057 [Thuds] 170 00:07:57,125 --> 00:07:58,425 [Screaming] 171 00:08:02,063 --> 00:08:03,764 [Gurgling] 172 00:08:03,832 --> 00:08:04,899 [Screams] 173 00:08:04,967 --> 00:08:06,133 [Choking] 174 00:08:07,469 --> 00:08:08,870 [Howling] 175 00:08:12,975 --> 00:08:17,044 Mommy, why did you abandon me? 176 00:08:17,112 --> 00:08:20,648 Father, why did you have to leave me? 177 00:08:20,716 --> 00:08:22,617 Daddy! Daddy! 178 00:08:22,684 --> 00:08:24,385 Keep it down, son. 179 00:08:24,452 --> 00:08:28,422 I'm trying to get it to rain Harvey's Bristol cream. 180 00:08:28,490 --> 00:08:30,057 [Drumming] 181 00:08:30,125 --> 00:08:31,726 [Ice rattling] 182 00:08:31,793 --> 00:08:33,427 This'll turn my image around. 183 00:08:33,495 --> 00:08:36,430 Because nothing turns on the chicks like a human fly, 184 00:08:36,498 --> 00:08:38,298 or was it Spanish fly? 185 00:08:38,366 --> 00:08:40,434 Yo, fly, give me your wallet. 186 00:08:41,102 --> 00:08:42,269 Help me. 187 00:08:49,477 --> 00:08:52,246 That's it! I'm gonna run in the New York marathon. 188 00:08:52,313 --> 00:08:54,982 That's the only way to regain my dignity. 189 00:08:58,253 --> 00:09:00,287 Hmm. It seems to be hailing. 190 00:09:00,355 --> 00:09:03,390 Well, a real man likes a little hail in his face. 191 00:09:04,292 --> 00:09:06,928 Ah! 192 00:09:06,995 --> 00:09:10,665 (Woman) Johnny, don't empty the cat box out the window. 193 00:09:15,871 --> 00:09:17,038 May I help you? 194 00:09:17,105 --> 00:09:19,006 I'd like to run in the marathon. 195 00:09:19,074 --> 00:09:21,375 Everyone taking part in the Elvis relay team 196 00:09:21,443 --> 00:09:23,144 is supposed to sign up over there. 197 00:09:23,946 --> 00:09:25,980 [Grunting] 198 00:09:26,048 --> 00:09:28,282 I am not an Elvis impersonator. 199 00:09:28,349 --> 00:09:30,818 His films were a disgrace to the cinema. 200 00:09:30,886 --> 00:09:33,220 I thought he was sexy. 201 00:09:33,288 --> 00:09:36,256 ♪ Well, since my baby left me ♪ 202 00:09:36,324 --> 00:09:38,693 ♪ well, I found a new place to dwell ♪ 203 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:41,495 ♪ well, it's down at the end of lonely street ♪ 204 00:09:41,563 --> 00:09:43,631 ♪ that's heartbreak hotel 205 00:09:43,699 --> 00:09:44,832 ♪ well, I'm a 206 00:09:44,900 --> 00:09:47,234 ♪ I been so lonely, baby 207 00:09:47,302 --> 00:09:49,737 ♪ well, I'm so lonely 208 00:09:49,805 --> 00:09:51,739 ♪ I been so lonely 209 00:09:51,807 --> 00:09:53,373 ♪ I could die 210 00:09:53,441 --> 00:09:54,675 oh, Elvis! 211 00:09:54,743 --> 00:09:56,276 [Imitating elvis] Thank you very much. 212 00:10:00,882 --> 00:10:04,551 Now, why on earth would you want to run in a marathon? 213 00:10:04,620 --> 00:10:05,653 To prove I'm a man. 214 00:10:05,721 --> 00:10:08,255 Rosalie, you changed his diapers, 215 00:10:08,323 --> 00:10:10,424 tell him he's a man. 216 00:10:10,492 --> 00:10:11,492 [Laughs] 217 00:10:11,559 --> 00:10:12,927 Yes, he's a man... 218 00:10:12,995 --> 00:10:15,830 In the way miniature golf is still golf. 219 00:10:15,897 --> 00:10:17,164 Look, mom, I've got to do this. 220 00:10:17,232 --> 00:10:19,600 All my life, I've felt physically inept. 221 00:10:21,169 --> 00:10:24,005 (Boy) We'll take Marshall flex. 222 00:10:26,241 --> 00:10:28,342 We'll take Marshall's little sister. 223 00:10:29,778 --> 00:10:31,646 Huh? Huh? 224 00:10:32,347 --> 00:10:33,681 Huh? 225 00:10:33,749 --> 00:10:36,383 We'll take myrna, the lunch lady. 226 00:10:36,451 --> 00:10:38,919 And we'll take Phil, the undercover narc. 227 00:10:39,855 --> 00:10:41,421 I'm going in the game. 228 00:10:44,425 --> 00:10:47,828 You know who should train you, your father. 229 00:10:47,896 --> 00:10:50,397 I was quite an athlete in my day. 230 00:10:50,465 --> 00:10:51,666 Just look at this. 231 00:10:54,936 --> 00:10:56,370 Oh, whoopsy. 232 00:10:57,605 --> 00:10:59,974 Now, you run to that lighthouse and back 233 00:11:00,042 --> 00:11:01,742 and I will time you. 234 00:11:11,787 --> 00:11:14,155 [Grunting] 235 00:11:14,222 --> 00:11:16,557 We found him lying by the side of the ocean. 236 00:11:16,624 --> 00:11:19,426 We're doing our darnedest to keep him moist. 237 00:11:19,494 --> 00:11:22,063 My son is not a whale. 238 00:11:22,130 --> 00:11:24,965 Oh, whatever he is, he just ate a bucket of chum. 239 00:11:25,867 --> 00:11:27,234 Now, shackleford, 240 00:11:27,302 --> 00:11:30,637 you hold Jay's feet while he does sit-ups. 241 00:11:30,706 --> 00:11:32,239 Eee? 242 00:11:32,307 --> 00:11:36,177 Sir, isn't this the day I usually give enemas to the horses? 243 00:11:36,244 --> 00:11:38,245 Please say it is. 244 00:11:38,313 --> 00:11:40,547 ♪[Music playing] 245 00:11:47,622 --> 00:11:49,590 What does this exercise do? 246 00:11:49,657 --> 00:11:50,725 Makes me laugh. 247 00:11:50,792 --> 00:11:53,094 [Laughing] 248 00:11:53,161 --> 00:11:56,296 I'm going to drive the car down the road. 249 00:11:56,364 --> 00:11:58,833 When you reach me, we'll be done for the day. 250 00:11:58,900 --> 00:12:00,467 [Tires screeching] 251 00:12:04,606 --> 00:12:05,672 [Panting] 252 00:12:05,741 --> 00:12:06,640 Dad? 253 00:12:06,708 --> 00:12:08,375 Dad, where are you? 254 00:12:09,510 --> 00:12:10,945 [Horn honking] 255 00:12:15,851 --> 00:12:19,620 Hello. This is the new lean, mean, Jay sherman. 256 00:12:19,687 --> 00:12:21,722 If you don't believe me, check this out. 257 00:12:24,059 --> 00:12:26,660 I can't hold a pencil under my breast anymore. 258 00:12:26,728 --> 00:12:27,795 [Cheers] 259 00:12:27,863 --> 00:12:30,965 Our first film tonight is an exciting new biopic, 260 00:12:31,032 --> 00:12:33,100 ike Turner: I, story. 261 00:12:33,168 --> 00:12:34,568 Tina, I love you. 262 00:12:34,636 --> 00:12:36,003 But if you need to go solo 263 00:12:36,071 --> 00:12:38,639 to satisfy yourself artistically, I understand. 264 00:12:38,706 --> 00:12:40,407 I more than understand. 265 00:12:40,475 --> 00:12:41,909 I respect you for it. 266 00:12:41,977 --> 00:12:44,111 You were the greatest lover who ever walked the planet. 267 00:12:44,179 --> 00:12:45,813 I'll always love you, ike. 268 00:12:45,881 --> 00:12:47,281 My work is done here. 269 00:12:47,348 --> 00:12:48,883 Now Rick James and I 270 00:12:48,950 --> 00:12:52,853 are gonna go found the national organization for women. 271 00:12:52,921 --> 00:12:54,789 I hear you're running in the marathon, son. 272 00:12:54,856 --> 00:12:58,025 We'll pay all your expenses if you run in this shirt. 273 00:12:58,093 --> 00:12:59,359 Hmm? Huh? 274 00:12:59,427 --> 00:13:00,761 [Laughing] 275 00:13:00,829 --> 00:13:02,462 I'm not wearing that. 276 00:13:02,530 --> 00:13:05,766 You're not doing this for me, you're doing it for Webster, 277 00:13:05,834 --> 00:13:07,534 a sassy little orphan boy 278 00:13:07,602 --> 00:13:10,237 who was taken in by a brutish white couple 279 00:13:10,305 --> 00:13:13,507 but still spreads joy, weekdays at 5:00, 6:00, and 7:00. 280 00:13:13,574 --> 00:13:16,043 Do you believe any of what you just said? 281 00:13:16,111 --> 00:13:17,544 Jay, you got to help me. 282 00:13:17,612 --> 00:13:19,814 I thought I was buying diff'rent strokes. 283 00:13:19,881 --> 00:13:21,916 Doris, I know I'm not gonna win the marathon, 284 00:13:21,983 --> 00:13:23,884 but I just want to finish. 285 00:13:23,952 --> 00:13:25,119 You'll do fine. 286 00:13:25,187 --> 00:13:26,687 Just remember this poem. 287 00:13:26,754 --> 00:13:28,956 "Never quit, though your heart may pound 288 00:13:29,024 --> 00:13:30,424 "and you're short of breath, 289 00:13:30,491 --> 00:13:33,260 for quitting, my friend, is a fate worse than death." 290 00:13:33,328 --> 00:13:34,295 That's great. 291 00:13:34,362 --> 00:13:36,230 I read it in smoker's digest. 292 00:13:39,201 --> 00:13:40,567 Hello, vlada. 293 00:13:40,635 --> 00:13:42,102 Tonight I'm on a diet. 294 00:13:42,170 --> 00:13:44,638 Tell vlada junior, no Harvard. 295 00:13:44,706 --> 00:13:47,341 In fact, I may just have coffee. 296 00:13:47,408 --> 00:13:49,076 Pull the plug on mama. 297 00:13:53,681 --> 00:13:56,917 Dad, I want to thank you for all the help you gave me. 298 00:13:56,985 --> 00:14:00,955 Jay, I may seem like a silly old man to you, 299 00:14:01,022 --> 00:14:04,024 but I think you've got the heart of a champion. 300 00:14:04,659 --> 00:14:06,426 Gee, thanks. 301 00:14:06,494 --> 00:14:08,695 Just remember, when the judges are watching, 302 00:14:08,763 --> 00:14:11,631 don't sniff the other dogs' behinds. 303 00:14:11,699 --> 00:14:14,168 There will be time for that later. 304 00:14:14,236 --> 00:14:15,336 Hello, I'm Bob costas 305 00:14:15,403 --> 00:14:17,371 and this is the moment we've all been waiting for, 306 00:14:17,438 --> 00:14:20,040 the start of the 1994 New York marathon. 307 00:14:20,108 --> 00:14:21,641 [Gun firing] 308 00:14:21,709 --> 00:14:23,043 That wasn't the starting gun. 309 00:14:23,111 --> 00:14:24,578 That was just some stray gunfire 310 00:14:24,645 --> 00:14:26,580 that hit the b.F. Skidmark blimp. 311 00:14:26,647 --> 00:14:28,015 Can we get a shot from the blimp? 312 00:14:28,083 --> 00:14:29,350 [Whirring] 313 00:14:33,755 --> 00:14:35,022 And they're off. 314 00:14:35,090 --> 00:14:37,091 First gear. Vroom! Vroom! 315 00:14:37,158 --> 00:14:40,928 2nd gear. Vroom! Vroom! 316 00:14:40,996 --> 00:14:42,529 Turn on the nitro boosters! 317 00:14:42,597 --> 00:14:45,199 Vroom! 318 00:14:45,267 --> 00:14:47,768 (Bob costas) Morbidly obese film critic Jay sherman 319 00:14:47,835 --> 00:14:49,036 has taken the lead. 320 00:14:49,104 --> 00:14:51,505 Do you believe in miracles? 321 00:14:52,340 --> 00:14:53,607 [Panting] 322 00:14:53,674 --> 00:14:54,775 [Gasping] 323 00:14:58,914 --> 00:15:00,114 [Groans] 324 00:15:02,917 --> 00:15:04,952 Welcome back to our coverage of the New York marathon, 325 00:15:05,020 --> 00:15:06,686 brought to you by bloat beer. 326 00:15:06,754 --> 00:15:09,256 After you've raced, go out and get faced. 327 00:15:09,324 --> 00:15:11,858 Now it's time to get inside the jock 328 00:15:11,927 --> 00:15:14,661 with some of the more courageous athletes who compete in the race, 329 00:15:14,729 --> 00:15:17,364 like New York's own governor, Mario cuomo. 330 00:15:17,432 --> 00:15:20,267 After deep soul-searching, I have decided to run. 331 00:15:22,670 --> 00:15:24,704 I have decided not to run. 332 00:15:24,772 --> 00:15:27,174 Please, Mario, we want you to run! 333 00:15:27,242 --> 00:15:29,709 The people have spoken. I am running. 334 00:15:32,814 --> 00:15:34,581 Uh, maybe next year. 335 00:15:34,649 --> 00:15:36,050 Then there's Charlie Phillips, 336 00:15:36,117 --> 00:15:37,617 who's running the entire marathon 337 00:15:37,685 --> 00:15:40,087 with a live ferret in his pants. 338 00:15:40,155 --> 00:15:41,822 It's not by choice. 339 00:15:43,091 --> 00:15:44,191 [Panting] 340 00:15:44,259 --> 00:15:46,427 Hello, mate. You realize I can walk 341 00:15:46,494 --> 00:15:47,861 as fast as you can run? 342 00:15:48,896 --> 00:15:51,165 Even on my hands, I'm faster than you. 343 00:15:51,232 --> 00:15:53,500 Look, maybe if we talk about something else, 344 00:15:53,568 --> 00:15:56,103 it will keep my mind off the race. 345 00:15:56,171 --> 00:15:58,672 Good idea. Yesterday I got a call from my agent. 346 00:15:58,739 --> 00:16:01,208 They want me to star in rubik's cube, the movie. 347 00:16:01,276 --> 00:16:03,177 Now, in the film, I'm given this puzzle. 348 00:16:03,244 --> 00:16:04,878 If I don't solve it in one hour, 349 00:16:04,946 --> 00:16:07,214 a planeload of supermodels will die. 350 00:16:07,282 --> 00:16:08,748 Ok, that's enough. 351 00:16:08,816 --> 00:16:10,717 Now, the problem is, I'm color-blind, 352 00:16:10,785 --> 00:16:12,186 but my partner isn't. 353 00:16:12,253 --> 00:16:15,289 Now, here's the hook. My partner is a dog. 354 00:16:15,357 --> 00:16:17,191 Please, this isn't working. 355 00:16:17,258 --> 00:16:19,726 You know who they're gonna get to play the voice of the dog? 356 00:16:19,794 --> 00:16:21,261 Roger Clinton! 357 00:16:21,329 --> 00:16:23,030 Could you move a little to your right? 358 00:16:23,098 --> 00:16:24,198 All right, but... 359 00:16:24,265 --> 00:16:25,466 [screaming] 360 00:16:25,533 --> 00:16:26,500 [Splashing] 361 00:16:27,102 --> 00:16:28,369 Thank you. 362 00:16:30,972 --> 00:16:32,373 I'll show you all. 363 00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:34,641 The tortoise shall beat the hare. 364 00:16:36,711 --> 00:16:38,912 That's it. I can't go on. 365 00:16:38,980 --> 00:16:40,614 I'm just not a man. 366 00:16:40,681 --> 00:16:42,616 What kind of future do I have? 367 00:16:42,683 --> 00:16:45,585 (Announcer) And now the k.D. Lounge is proud to present 368 00:16:45,653 --> 00:16:48,688 the voluptuous Jay sherman! 369 00:16:48,756 --> 00:16:51,325 ♪ I wanna be loved by you 370 00:16:51,393 --> 00:16:52,759 ♪ just you 371 00:16:52,827 --> 00:16:55,095 ♪ and nobody else but you ♪ 372 00:16:55,930 --> 00:16:56,863 hee! 373 00:16:56,931 --> 00:16:57,864 (Man) Yo! 374 00:16:57,932 --> 00:16:59,366 [Crowd laughing] 375 00:16:59,434 --> 00:17:02,136 Wow! He's the best Barbara bush I've ever seen. 376 00:17:02,203 --> 00:17:04,238 I swore I was going to finish this race, 377 00:17:04,305 --> 00:17:06,173 and that's what I'm going to do. 378 00:17:06,241 --> 00:17:07,908 ♪ Boo-boop-bee-doo 379 00:17:11,112 --> 00:17:12,979 look. Here he comes. 380 00:17:13,048 --> 00:17:16,316 No. That's the gentleman with the ferret in his pants. 381 00:17:16,384 --> 00:17:18,618 Hey, they laughed at Christopher Columbus. 382 00:17:18,686 --> 00:17:20,554 (Butler) No, they didn't. 383 00:17:20,621 --> 00:17:23,357 Well, they would have, if he'd had a ferret in his pants. 384 00:17:23,425 --> 00:17:25,092 [Panting] 385 00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:27,327 I'm getting a runner's high. I've heard about this. 386 00:17:27,395 --> 00:17:29,796 That's when you break through the pain and the world becomes 387 00:17:29,864 --> 00:17:31,331 a beautiful place. 388 00:17:35,703 --> 00:17:37,804 ♪ Come on along and listen to ♪ 389 00:17:37,872 --> 00:17:40,274 ♪ the lullaby of Broadway 390 00:17:40,341 --> 00:17:42,943 ♪ the hip-hooray and ballyhoo ♪ 391 00:17:43,010 --> 00:17:45,245 ♪ the lullaby of Broadway 392 00:17:47,982 --> 00:17:49,983 3-card monte! 393 00:17:50,051 --> 00:17:51,118 Is this the red card? 394 00:17:51,186 --> 00:17:52,519 They're all red! 395 00:17:52,587 --> 00:17:53,587 Here's your money! 396 00:17:53,654 --> 00:17:55,722 [Laughing] 397 00:17:55,790 --> 00:17:57,991 ♪ The rumble of a subway train ♪ 398 00:17:58,059 --> 00:18:00,360 ♪ the rattle of the taxis 399 00:18:00,428 --> 00:18:03,063 ♪ the daffodils who entertain ♪ 400 00:18:03,131 --> 00:18:05,265 ♪ at angelo's and maxie's 401 00:18:05,933 --> 00:18:06,833 [whistling] 402 00:18:06,901 --> 00:18:08,135 Where to, mister? 403 00:18:08,203 --> 00:18:09,236 Harlem. Hop in. 404 00:18:09,304 --> 00:18:11,171 The meter's broken, so you ride free. 405 00:18:14,109 --> 00:18:16,577 ♪ Come on along and listen to ♪ 406 00:18:16,644 --> 00:18:19,779 ♪ the lullaby of Broadway 407 00:18:19,847 --> 00:18:21,848 ♪ oh, yeah 408 00:18:21,916 --> 00:18:23,383 [helicopter whirring] 409 00:18:23,451 --> 00:18:24,784 [Gun firing] 410 00:18:27,422 --> 00:18:28,555 Lewd nudes. 411 00:18:28,623 --> 00:18:31,558 They're fat, they're ugly, they smell like garbage, 412 00:18:31,626 --> 00:18:33,093 but they're nude. 413 00:18:33,161 --> 00:18:34,694 Got to give me that. 414 00:18:34,762 --> 00:18:35,729 Oh. 415 00:18:37,332 --> 00:18:39,533 [Panting] 416 00:18:41,269 --> 00:18:43,036 Oh, my God, the finish line! 417 00:18:43,104 --> 00:18:45,805 I can't believe it. I'm actually going to go the distance! 418 00:18:49,444 --> 00:18:52,579 From the stench, it's obvious he's been dead for several hours. 419 00:18:52,647 --> 00:18:56,049 The deceased appears to be about 70 years old. 420 00:18:56,117 --> 00:18:59,319 I've been declared dead by better coroners than you. 421 00:18:59,387 --> 00:19:00,487 [Screams] 422 00:19:03,758 --> 00:19:07,227 We interrupt a.B.C.'S who cares? It's Thursday lineup 423 00:19:07,295 --> 00:19:08,862 for this special bulletin. 424 00:19:08,929 --> 00:19:12,299 Jay sherman, around the block in 80 days. 425 00:19:12,367 --> 00:19:14,468 We're still waiting for runner Jay sherman 426 00:19:14,536 --> 00:19:15,902 to finish the New York marathon 427 00:19:15,970 --> 00:19:17,404 17 hours after it started. 428 00:19:17,472 --> 00:19:19,506 Which is ironic, because to walk the route 429 00:19:19,574 --> 00:19:21,074 only takes 13 hours. 430 00:19:21,142 --> 00:19:24,010 In fact, this 78-year-old man just completed the race 431 00:19:24,078 --> 00:19:26,046 while pulling a bus with his teeth. 432 00:19:26,113 --> 00:19:30,284 I did this to show that instead of putting old people into nursing homes, 433 00:19:30,351 --> 00:19:32,919 you could turn us into slaves and pack animals. 434 00:19:36,924 --> 00:19:38,192 Oh, nuts! 435 00:19:38,859 --> 00:19:40,126 [Grunting] 436 00:19:45,099 --> 00:19:47,434 Whoo-hoo! Sherman's gone! 437 00:19:47,502 --> 00:19:50,537 Let's release that unwatchable Steve guttenberg movie, quick. 438 00:19:50,605 --> 00:19:51,905 Uh, which one? 439 00:19:56,444 --> 00:19:57,644 [Panting] 440 00:20:00,215 --> 00:20:02,082 Jay, are you all right? 441 00:20:02,149 --> 00:20:04,150 Jeremy! I'm so glad to see you. 442 00:20:04,219 --> 00:20:07,354 I've been thinking about that wonderful rubik's cube movie. 443 00:20:07,422 --> 00:20:10,090 So, what happens? Do the supermodels die? 444 00:20:10,157 --> 00:20:12,158 It would be so sad if they did. 445 00:20:12,227 --> 00:20:13,793 Jay, you look like you need help. 446 00:20:13,861 --> 00:20:15,929 Fortunately, I've got a nurse with me. 447 00:20:15,996 --> 00:20:18,365 I'm not a nurse, I'm a stewardess. 448 00:20:18,433 --> 00:20:22,001 Oh, well, Jay, it looks like you could use a kosher meal. 449 00:20:22,069 --> 00:20:24,404 A little kugel maybe you have? 450 00:20:26,941 --> 00:20:28,609 Hey, look, I think I see him! 451 00:20:30,578 --> 00:20:34,180 Hey, hey, hey! It's fat Albert. 452 00:20:34,249 --> 00:20:37,183 [Imitating mushmouth] 453 00:20:37,252 --> 00:20:38,252 Come on, Jay! 454 00:20:38,319 --> 00:20:39,353 You can do it! 455 00:20:39,420 --> 00:20:40,854 You can do it! 456 00:20:40,921 --> 00:20:42,021 [Cheering] 457 00:20:42,089 --> 00:20:43,323 Yay, dad! 458 00:20:43,391 --> 00:20:44,824 I'm so proud of you. 459 00:20:44,892 --> 00:20:46,860 Bravo, son. Bravo. 460 00:20:46,927 --> 00:20:48,795 I did it! I made it! 461 00:20:48,863 --> 00:20:50,163 I'm a man. 462 00:20:50,231 --> 00:20:53,333 I don't need this runner's bra anymore. 463 00:20:53,401 --> 00:20:56,836 Now don't stop moving, or you'll cramp up. 464 00:20:56,904 --> 00:20:57,804 Huh? 465 00:20:57,872 --> 00:20:59,105 [Creaking] 466 00:21:02,744 --> 00:21:03,710 Ow. 467 00:21:10,418 --> 00:21:12,719 Dad, watching you run that marathon 468 00:21:12,787 --> 00:21:15,389 was the proudest 2-and-a-half days of my life. 469 00:21:15,456 --> 00:21:17,824 Thanks, son. 470 00:21:17,892 --> 00:21:21,395 When I grow up, I want to be a man just like you. 471 00:21:21,462 --> 00:21:23,530 Thanks, son. Now, could you roll me over? 472 00:21:23,598 --> 00:21:25,766 I think I maybe lying on top of a dead cat. 473 00:21:25,833 --> 00:21:26,966 [Meowing] 474 00:21:27,602 --> 00:21:29,102 No, he's fine. 475 00:21:38,713 --> 00:21:39,646 [Chomping] 476 00:21:43,017 --> 00:21:43,950 [Slurping] 477 00:22:17,918 --> 00:22:19,886 (Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated. 478 00:22:19,954 --> 00:22:23,454 No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode. 479 00:22:27,829 --> 00:22:29,996 Uh, excuse me, sir. This show's over. 480 00:22:30,064 --> 00:22:31,665 I'm stuck in the chair. 481 00:22:33,334 --> 00:22:34,401 [Chattering] 482 00:22:34,469 --> 00:22:35,335 Shh!