1
00:00:20,836 --> 00:00:22,537
[Telephone ringing]

2
00:00:23,205 --> 00:00:24,272
Hello?

3
00:00:24,340 --> 00:00:25,806
<i>(Margo)</i>
<i>Jay, this is your sister.</i>

4
00:00:25,874 --> 00:00:27,808
<i>Mom just gave me</i> <i>your old room.</i>

5
00:00:27,876 --> 00:00:31,546
<i>Um, do you still want</i>
<i>this leif Garrett poster?</i>

6
00:00:51,900 --> 00:00:52,934
[Ice cracking]

7
00:00:53,001 --> 00:00:54,402
[All screaming]

8
00:00:54,470 --> 00:00:55,937
[All groaning]

9
00:01:05,914 --> 00:01:07,182
It stinks.

10
00:01:08,884 --> 00:01:09,917
[Clicks]

11
00:01:19,595 --> 00:01:22,029
Our last film tonight
stars Al Pacino

12
00:01:22,098 --> 00:01:25,866
in <i>scent of a jackass.</i>

13
00:01:25,934 --> 00:01:28,603
Whoo-ha. Charlie,
you pimply little preppy,

14
00:01:28,670 --> 00:01:29,837
I'm gonna kill myself.

15
00:01:29,905 --> 00:01:31,139
Good.

16
00:01:31,207 --> 00:01:33,141
I mean it,
you m.T.V.-Watching
momma's boy.

17
00:01:33,209 --> 00:01:34,709
I'm gonna pull the trigger.

18
00:01:34,776 --> 00:01:36,611
Fine, if it'll shut you up.

19
00:01:36,678 --> 00:01:38,079
You're gonna miss my whoo-ha,

20
00:01:38,147 --> 00:01:39,180
my tangoing,

21
00:01:39,248 --> 00:01:40,615
my blind driving,

22
00:01:40,682 --> 00:01:41,816
my whoo-ha.

23
00:01:41,883 --> 00:01:43,384
You said that already.

24
00:01:43,452 --> 00:01:45,786
I say it a lot. Whoo-ha!

25
00:01:45,854 --> 00:01:48,123
Talk about overusing
a catch phrase.

26
00:01:48,190 --> 00:01:51,459
Hotchie motchie.
It stinks.

27
00:01:51,527 --> 00:01:52,827
Good night.

28
00:01:52,894 --> 00:01:54,762
Doris, I've just
finished a screenplay

29
00:01:54,830 --> 00:01:56,598
and I wondered
if you'd tell me
what you think of it.

30
00:01:56,665 --> 00:01:58,933
All I read is <i>smokers digest.</i>

31
00:01:59,001 --> 00:02:01,836
Did you know that Jesus
smoked 3 packs a day?

32
00:02:01,903 --> 00:02:03,037
Please, Doris.

33
00:02:03,105 --> 00:02:04,405
I had to write this

34
00:02:04,473 --> 00:02:06,107
because I needed
artistic stimulation.

35
00:02:06,175 --> 00:02:07,208
You know what that's like?

36
00:02:07,276 --> 00:02:08,276
I have some idea.

37
00:02:09,711 --> 00:02:11,146
A work of art.

38
00:02:12,914 --> 00:02:14,449
<i>(Man on t.V.)</i>
<i>On the lighter side,</i>

39
00:02:14,517 --> 00:02:16,784
<i>N.Y.U. Scientists</i>
<i>have discovered a virus</i>

40
00:02:16,852 --> 00:02:18,253
<i>in the local drinking water</i>

41
00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:21,122
<i>responsible for new yorkers'</i>
<i>antisocial behavior.</i>

44
00:02:24,426 --> 00:02:26,327
<i>Hey, I got your cure,</i>
<i>right here.</i>

45
00:02:26,395 --> 00:02:29,464
<i>Now, let's go to Chuck smiley,</i>
<i>our happy weatherman.</i>

46
00:02:29,532 --> 00:02:31,199
<i>There's a snowstorm</i>
<i>headed for Jersey,</i>

47
00:02:31,267 --> 00:02:32,567
<i>and there's</i> <i>a 30 percent chance</i>

48
00:02:32,635 --> 00:02:34,769
<i>i give a rat's butt.</i>

49
00:02:34,836 --> 00:02:37,004
Nobody called about my script.

50
00:02:37,072 --> 00:02:40,175
Maybe a little exercise
will take my mind off it.

51
00:02:42,411 --> 00:02:43,578
[Screaming]

52
00:02:43,646 --> 00:02:44,646
[Knocking on door]

53
00:02:48,016 --> 00:02:50,151
Jay, I just finished
your screenplay.

54
00:02:50,219 --> 00:02:52,053
Really?
Oh, what did you think?

55
00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:54,789
Oh, it's wonderful.
It really is.

56
00:02:54,856 --> 00:02:56,324
That means so much to me.

57
00:02:56,392 --> 00:02:58,393
You know, I only showed it
to my closest friends.

58
00:02:58,460 --> 00:02:59,694
Barney, the butcher.

59
00:02:59,761 --> 00:03:00,928
It had heart.

60
00:03:00,996 --> 00:03:02,463
Jazzman Joe.

61
00:03:02,531 --> 00:03:04,165
It had soul.

62
00:03:04,233 --> 00:03:06,100
Hasidic Harry.

63
00:03:06,168 --> 00:03:08,536
It could have been worse.

64
00:03:08,604 --> 00:03:10,004
I read it in the tub.

65
00:03:10,072 --> 00:03:12,039
I want to get to know
the man who wrote it.

66
00:03:12,107 --> 00:03:13,107
Really?

67
00:03:13,175 --> 00:03:15,009
Well, shrimp gives me gas.

68
00:03:15,077 --> 00:03:16,143
That's enough.

69
00:03:16,212 --> 00:03:17,745
Wait, there's more.

70
00:03:17,813 --> 00:03:19,080
Jay, <i>bubbee shayna,</i>

71
00:03:19,147 --> 00:03:20,648
the people who do
my reading for me

72
00:03:20,716 --> 00:03:22,149
think this script is great.

73
00:03:22,218 --> 00:03:23,884
All it needs
is a few car chases,

74
00:03:23,952 --> 00:03:26,588
a rap song by salt-n-pepa,
and a message of some sort.

75
00:03:26,655 --> 00:03:28,556
You know, like,
"don't tinkle in the ocean."

76
00:03:28,624 --> 00:03:29,890
Well, I don't know.

77
00:03:29,958 --> 00:03:31,292
Come on, my friend,

78
00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:33,328
we're going to Hollywood.

79
00:03:34,663 --> 00:03:36,964
Does it smell funny
in here to you?

80
00:03:37,032 --> 00:03:38,899
Oh, yeah.

81
00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:46,474
Boss, I'd like
to go on sabbatical.

82
00:03:46,542 --> 00:03:49,143
You people sure have
a lot of holidays.

83
00:03:49,211 --> 00:03:50,578
No. I've written
a screenplay,

84
00:03:50,646 --> 00:03:51,912
and I'm taking it to Hollywood.

85
00:03:51,980 --> 00:03:53,114
But since I'm a film critic,

86
00:03:53,181 --> 00:03:54,915
there might be
a conflict of interest.

87
00:03:54,983 --> 00:03:57,252
You want to hear
conflict of interest?

88
00:03:57,319 --> 00:03:58,686
I own a cigarette company

89
00:03:58,754 --> 00:04:01,289
and a company
that sells nicotine patches.

90
00:04:01,357 --> 00:04:04,325
I own a baseball team
and I bet against them.

91
00:04:04,393 --> 00:04:06,927
I love America,
but for tax purposes,

92
00:04:06,995 --> 00:04:09,264
I'm a citizen
of the Dutch antilles.

93
00:04:09,331 --> 00:04:11,566
Gee, thanks for sharing
all that with me.

94
00:04:11,634 --> 00:04:13,000
Now that I know
all your secrets,

95
00:04:13,068 --> 00:04:14,669
you don't have to
kill me, do you?

96
00:04:14,737 --> 00:04:17,472
If I do,
you'll never see it coming.

97
00:04:17,539 --> 00:04:20,941
<i>♪[California dreamin' </i> by
mamas and the papas playing]

98
00:04:24,747 --> 00:04:26,381
<i>♪ All the leaves are brown</i>

99
00:04:26,448 --> 00:04:28,115
<i>♪ all the leaves are brown</i>

100
00:04:28,183 --> 00:04:29,651
<i>♪ and the sky is gray</i>

101
00:04:29,718 --> 00:04:30,851
just think.

102
00:04:30,919 --> 00:04:33,053
Down there,
between New York and L.A.,

103
00:04:33,121 --> 00:04:35,490
are all the people
that go to my movies.

104
00:04:35,557 --> 00:04:36,758
[Birds chirping]

105
00:04:36,825 --> 00:04:39,627
Look, pa!
The 925 to Hollywood.

106
00:04:39,695 --> 00:04:42,463
Yep. Those are the folks
who fill our lives

107
00:04:42,531 --> 00:04:46,467
with blockbuster movies,
moronic situation comedies,

108
00:04:46,535 --> 00:04:50,438
award shows where award shows
win awards.

109
00:04:51,106 --> 00:04:52,640
Get my gun, boy.

110
00:04:53,342 --> 00:04:55,042
[Gun firing]

111
00:04:55,110 --> 00:04:57,412
<i>(Pilot)</i>
<i>Now, ladies and gentlemen,</i>
<i>please fasten your seatbelts.</i>

112
00:04:57,479 --> 00:04:59,947
<i>We're being shot at</i>
<i>by farmers again.</i>

113
00:05:09,591 --> 00:05:12,126
[Engine starting]

114
00:05:12,194 --> 00:05:13,961
[Engine sputtering]

115
00:05:15,063 --> 00:05:16,631
[Tires squealing]

116
00:05:22,438 --> 00:05:24,338
Gary Grossman,
head of the studio,

117
00:05:24,406 --> 00:05:25,807
meet Jay sherman.

118
00:05:25,874 --> 00:05:27,141
Jay sherman?

119
00:05:27,209 --> 00:05:29,610
Ooh, one of the most revered
film critics in America.

120
00:05:29,678 --> 00:05:31,379
I'd like to wring
your pudgy neck.

121
00:05:31,447 --> 00:05:33,448
Your bad reviews
have cost my Japanese masters

122
00:05:33,515 --> 00:05:34,816
over one billion yen.

123
00:05:34,883 --> 00:05:37,218
Jay's written
a remarkable screenplay.

124
00:05:38,654 --> 00:05:39,687
It's phenomenal!

125
00:05:39,755 --> 00:05:41,656
I'll give you $100,000.
Agreed?

126
00:05:41,724 --> 00:05:42,923
Oh, agreed!

127
00:05:42,991 --> 00:05:44,359
Whoever said this studio

128
00:05:44,426 --> 00:05:46,260
is totally lacking
in artistic taste?

129
00:05:46,328 --> 00:05:48,128
You did, on your show
last week.

130
00:05:48,196 --> 00:05:49,864
[Laughing]

131
00:05:49,931 --> 00:05:51,232
How awkward.

132
00:05:51,299 --> 00:05:53,668
Wow, I can't believe
you're really going to
make my movie.

133
00:05:53,736 --> 00:05:55,803
Jay, we're not making
your movie.

134
00:05:55,871 --> 00:05:57,104
What? Why?

135
00:05:57,172 --> 00:05:58,339
It's too good.

136
00:05:58,407 --> 00:05:59,974
We're not making
<i>i, claudius </i> here.

137
00:06:00,041 --> 00:06:03,444
Well, we are, but we call it
<i>Claudia schiffer's</i>
<i>toga party.</i>

138
00:06:03,512 --> 00:06:05,413
What are you doing
with my script?

139
00:06:05,481 --> 00:06:07,582
I'm putting it with
the others that were
also too good.

140
00:06:07,649 --> 00:06:09,917
Look at this:
A lesbian love story,

141
00:06:09,985 --> 00:06:12,152
the biography of some clown
named Galileo,

142
00:06:12,220 --> 00:06:14,188
<i>revenge of the nerds iv?</i>

143
00:06:14,256 --> 00:06:16,190
What are you doing here,
you beautiful thing,

144
00:06:16,258 --> 00:06:18,526
when you could be
making me a mint?

145
00:06:18,594 --> 00:06:20,528
Hey, fellas, start shooting!

146
00:06:20,596 --> 00:06:22,162
(People) Way!

147
00:06:23,298 --> 00:06:24,632
My script.

148
00:06:24,700 --> 00:06:27,034
Wait. I just had
a brilliant idea.

149
00:06:27,102 --> 00:06:28,636
Jay sherman,
you are going to write...

150
00:06:28,704 --> 00:06:29,771
are you ready?

151
00:06:29,838 --> 00:06:31,506
<i>Ghostchasers III.</i>

152
00:06:31,573 --> 00:06:32,707
God, I'm good.

153
00:06:32,775 --> 00:06:34,575
And they said
an illiterate ex-gigolo

154
00:06:34,643 --> 00:06:36,176
couldn't run a movie studio.

155
00:06:36,244 --> 00:06:37,945
<i>Ghostchasers III?</i>

156
00:06:38,013 --> 00:06:39,246
Why would I want to write that?

157
00:06:39,314 --> 00:06:41,248
I hated <i>ghostchasers I </i> and <i>ii.</i>

158
00:06:41,316 --> 00:06:43,284
Exactly!
I want to use that hate.

159
00:06:43,351 --> 00:06:45,252
You'll be like the kid
who told the rich guy

160
00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:46,788
to put on some freaking pants.

161
00:06:46,855 --> 00:06:49,891
You mean the boy in
"the emperor's new clothes"?

162
00:06:49,958 --> 00:06:52,794
Exactly.
Now, I see macaulay culkin
as "the boy."

163
00:06:52,861 --> 00:06:54,862
And the only person
who could play the emperor

164
00:06:54,930 --> 00:06:56,798
is John Goodman,
unless he looks too beefy.

165
00:06:56,865 --> 00:06:58,966
I mean, this guy
smells buffet
and "get out of the way."

166
00:06:59,034 --> 00:07:00,568
But, hey,
I'm getting ahead of myself.

167
00:07:04,272 --> 00:07:06,641
[Birds chirping]

168
00:07:06,708 --> 00:07:09,343
I don't know, jer',
<i>ghostchasers III?</i>

169
00:07:09,411 --> 00:07:11,345
It's just another
mindless sequel.

170
00:07:11,413 --> 00:07:13,581
Jay, sequels allow
you to be creative.

171
00:07:13,649 --> 00:07:15,650
Why, in
<i>crocodile Gandhi: Part ii,</i>

172
00:07:15,717 --> 00:07:18,285
they allowed me to do
my kirk Douglas impression.

173
00:07:18,353 --> 00:07:19,754
The past is over.

174
00:07:19,822 --> 00:07:23,257
Now I'm gonna fill
your bellies with lead.

175
00:07:23,325 --> 00:07:24,391
[Grunting]

176
00:07:24,460 --> 00:07:26,393
[Firing]

177
00:07:26,462 --> 00:07:29,664
Jeremy, I have spent
my entire career
criticizing hacks.

178
00:07:29,731 --> 00:07:32,199
And now if I do <i>ghostchasers,</i>
<i>I'll be joining them.</i>

179
00:07:32,267 --> 00:07:33,701
Instead of
criticizing Hollywood,

180
00:07:33,769 --> 00:07:35,503
you can make it better.

181
00:07:35,571 --> 00:07:37,672
Then they'll let you
make the kind of movie
you want to make.

182
00:07:37,739 --> 00:07:39,774
The kind that wins oscars.

183
00:07:39,842 --> 00:07:42,777
Mmm. Oscars.

184
00:07:42,845 --> 00:07:44,745
And as I accept this Oscar,

185
00:07:44,813 --> 00:07:48,115
there is one issue
I cannot remain silent upon.

186
00:07:48,183 --> 00:07:50,351
Independence for quebec.

187
00:07:50,418 --> 00:07:54,088
<i>Vive </i> Jay sherman!
<i>Vive quebec!</i>

188
00:07:54,155 --> 00:07:57,492
(All)
<i>Vive </i> Jay sherman!
<i>Vive quebec!</i>

189
00:07:57,559 --> 00:07:58,826
[Moose grunting]

190
00:07:58,894 --> 00:08:02,162
<i>Vive </i> Jay sherman!
<i>Vive quebec.</i>

191
00:08:02,230 --> 00:08:05,232
<i>Vive </i> Jay sherman!
<i>Vive </i> quebec!

192
00:08:07,603 --> 00:08:09,737
I just don't know
what to do about this movie.

193
00:08:09,805 --> 00:08:11,672
If I only I had
some kind of sign.

194
00:08:11,740 --> 00:08:12,874
[Car horn honking]

195
00:08:12,941 --> 00:08:15,142
Mr. sherman, compliments
of quality pictures,

196
00:08:15,210 --> 00:08:16,978
a division of scumco.

197
00:08:17,913 --> 00:08:20,280
[Tires screeching]

198
00:08:20,348 --> 00:08:24,284
Hollywood loves me
and I love Hollywood!

199
00:08:24,352 --> 00:08:25,486
But be gentle,

200
00:08:25,554 --> 00:08:27,287
I've been burned
by so many cities.

201
00:08:27,355 --> 00:08:29,524
Lido, oyster bay,

202
00:08:29,591 --> 00:08:32,026
oh, both Kansas cities.

203
00:08:32,093 --> 00:08:35,396
But, Hollywood,
you is my woman, now!

204
00:08:42,538 --> 00:08:43,638
[Tires screeching]

205
00:08:44,540 --> 00:08:45,540
[Brakes screeching]

206
00:08:46,374 --> 00:08:48,409
Stewart? Stewart?

207
00:08:48,476 --> 00:08:50,011
You're not on the list.

208
00:08:50,078 --> 00:08:51,612
Now are you...
are you...

209
00:08:51,680 --> 00:08:53,480
are you sure about that?

210
00:08:53,549 --> 00:08:54,582
[Horn honking]

211
00:08:54,650 --> 00:08:56,684
Move it, old man!

212
00:08:56,752 --> 00:08:58,553
[Tires screeching]

213
00:08:58,620 --> 00:09:01,889
(Jimmy Stewart)
Hitchcock,
is that you?

214
00:09:01,957 --> 00:09:06,193
Hello. I'm Jay sherman,
your new lord and master.

215
00:09:06,261 --> 00:09:07,361
[Thudding]

216
00:09:07,429 --> 00:09:08,495
Ow.

217
00:09:08,564 --> 00:09:10,631
Welcome, Mr. sherman.
I'm keeley.

218
00:09:10,699 --> 00:09:12,499
I'll be your
executive assistant.

219
00:09:12,568 --> 00:09:13,701
And this is your staff,

220
00:09:13,769 --> 00:09:15,770
Maya, Tori and Chaz.

221
00:09:15,837 --> 00:09:17,171
Cappuccino, Mr. s?

222
00:09:17,238 --> 00:09:19,306
I was here at 8 A.M.
Shaving the cinnamon.

223
00:09:19,374 --> 00:09:22,409
Listen, Chaz,
we are going to work hard

224
00:09:22,477 --> 00:09:24,779
and make
a good sequel for once.

225
00:09:24,846 --> 00:09:26,346
So, if you look and learn,

226
00:09:26,414 --> 00:09:27,481
maybe you won't spend

227
00:09:27,549 --> 00:09:29,383
the rest of your life
shaving cinnamon.

228
00:09:29,451 --> 00:09:32,053
Yes, I will.
I used to be vanilla ice.

229
00:09:35,390 --> 00:09:37,524
Jay, we're not
like other agents.

230
00:09:37,593 --> 00:09:40,628
We see you as a person,
not a commission.

231
00:09:41,362 --> 00:09:43,731
[Slot machine whirring]

232
00:09:43,799 --> 00:09:46,901
[Coughing]

233
00:09:46,969 --> 00:09:49,870
Jay, ever since
we at preferred international
talent brokers

234
00:09:49,938 --> 00:09:52,106
merged with united labor
leading specialists...

235
00:09:52,173 --> 00:09:54,208
Pitbulls?

236
00:09:54,275 --> 00:09:57,277
Hey, look.
That does spell pitbulls.

237
00:09:57,345 --> 00:10:00,514
What do you know?
Well, we are aggressive.

238
00:10:00,582 --> 00:10:02,349
[Laughing]

239
00:10:04,219 --> 00:10:06,220
[Growling]

240
00:10:10,291 --> 00:10:13,527
Jay, let me be direct.
I want to be your agent.

241
00:10:13,595 --> 00:10:14,795
[Rumbling]

242
00:10:14,863 --> 00:10:16,731
Oh, my God!
Is this an earthquake?

243
00:10:22,403 --> 00:10:23,504
What the "h"...

244
00:10:26,407 --> 00:10:27,842
Jay, are you ok?

245
00:10:27,909 --> 00:10:29,176
[Munching]

246
00:10:30,512 --> 00:10:32,146
[Laughing]

247
00:10:32,213 --> 00:10:33,547
How awkward.

248
00:10:35,717 --> 00:10:38,119
Now, before I start writing
<i>ghostchasers III,</i>

249
00:10:38,186 --> 00:10:40,454
who do you have back
from the original cast?

250
00:10:40,522 --> 00:10:42,089
Uh, the black guy.

251
00:10:42,157 --> 00:10:44,091
But we've only got him
for two days.

252
00:10:44,159 --> 00:10:45,159
He's also playing

253
00:10:45,226 --> 00:10:47,128
the black guy in <i>Batman III.</i>

254
00:10:47,195 --> 00:10:49,864
Now, is there anything
you feel could be improved

255
00:10:49,931 --> 00:10:51,565
from the first 2 films?

256
00:10:51,633 --> 00:10:54,168
Ghostchaser underpants
didn't sell as well in Mexico

257
00:10:54,235 --> 00:10:55,469
as we hoped.

258
00:10:55,537 --> 00:10:57,672
Maybe you could have
the black guy's pants

259
00:10:57,739 --> 00:10:59,239
fall down in Tijuana.

260
00:10:59,307 --> 00:11:00,708
I understand.

261
00:11:03,178 --> 00:11:04,511
Oh, one more thing.

262
00:11:04,579 --> 00:11:07,481
The first 2 films
didn't do very well in Italy.

263
00:11:07,549 --> 00:11:09,349
But maybe that's because
they translated

264
00:11:09,417 --> 00:11:11,686
the title to
<i>your mother has a hairy back.</i>

265
00:11:14,089 --> 00:11:16,057
[People shouting]

266
00:11:16,124 --> 00:11:17,291
[Glass shattering]

267
00:11:19,327 --> 00:11:21,328
Look, I know I agreed
to do this film,

268
00:11:21,396 --> 00:11:23,430
but no one around here
seems to know anything

269
00:11:23,498 --> 00:11:25,166
about character and plot.

270
00:11:25,233 --> 00:11:27,168
Plot? What an odd word.

271
00:11:27,235 --> 00:11:30,304
Plot. Plot. Plot. Plot.
Plot. Plot. Plot. Plot.
Plot. Plot. Plot. Plot.

272
00:11:30,371 --> 00:11:32,506
Plot. Plot. Plot. Plot.
Plot. Plot. Plot. Plot.

273
00:11:32,574 --> 00:11:33,540
Uh-oh.

274
00:11:33,608 --> 00:11:35,209
Look, Jay,
this will cheer you up.

275
00:11:35,276 --> 00:11:37,244
A battery company
just paid us $2 million

276
00:11:37,312 --> 00:11:38,813
to put their product
in your film.

277
00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:40,314
You should know
we're constructing

278
00:11:40,381 --> 00:11:42,549
a 50-foot battery
with the voice of pat morita.

279
00:11:42,617 --> 00:11:43,884
I'm not gonna put that in.

280
00:11:43,952 --> 00:11:46,120
All right. No battery.
No pat morita.

281
00:11:46,188 --> 00:11:48,723
But how do you feel about
Patti LaBelle and baby wipes?

282
00:11:48,790 --> 00:11:49,924
Ooh, I love baby wipes.

283
00:11:49,991 --> 00:11:51,458
They come in handy, you know,

284
00:11:51,526 --> 00:11:54,829
'cause I'm in the car
all the time,
and I tend to chafe.

285
00:11:54,896 --> 00:11:57,164
Oh, look. I'm tired
of talking to executives.

286
00:11:57,232 --> 00:11:58,866
I want to meet
somebody creative.

287
00:11:58,934 --> 00:12:00,667
Fine, Mr. Shakespeare,

288
00:12:00,736 --> 00:12:02,770
I'll set you up
with some directors, ok?

289
00:12:02,838 --> 00:12:03,971
♪[Humming]

290
00:12:04,039 --> 00:12:05,806
Can you do
5 lunch meetings in 1 day?

291
00:12:05,874 --> 00:12:08,408
I think I could manage.

292
00:12:08,476 --> 00:12:12,046
<i>(Jay's stomach)</i>
<i>5 lunches?</i>
<i>Me like much, much.</i>

293
00:12:12,114 --> 00:12:13,680
<i>Mmm-mmm.</i>

294
00:12:15,183 --> 00:12:17,218
I see the ghost
of John f. Kennedy saying,

295
00:12:17,285 --> 00:12:19,419
"open the files,
open the files."

296
00:12:19,487 --> 00:12:21,889
I also see the ghost
of Jim morrison singing,

297
00:12:21,957 --> 00:12:23,891
"come on, baby,
open the files."

298
00:12:23,959 --> 00:12:25,993
I think one of
the ghostchasers
should be a woman.

299
00:12:26,061 --> 00:12:27,694
Uh, she should be strong,
intelligent.

300
00:12:27,763 --> 00:12:28,729
Someone like, uh,

301
00:12:28,797 --> 00:12:30,530
oh, I don't know,
m-my daughter Sofia.

302
00:12:30,598 --> 00:12:33,000
Your first problem is:
You got a white ghost.

303
00:12:33,068 --> 00:12:35,202
How come there're never
any black ghosts?

304
00:12:35,270 --> 00:12:37,638
Chill out, brother man,
I share your pain.

305
00:12:37,705 --> 00:12:39,406
I played <i>othello</i>
<i>in high school.</i>

306
00:12:39,474 --> 00:12:43,010
"Oh, desdemone,
thy handkerchief
betrays thee."

307
00:12:43,078 --> 00:12:44,979
I haven't been so disgusted

308
00:12:45,046 --> 00:12:47,248
since Kenny g played Malcolm X.

309
00:12:47,315 --> 00:12:48,415
[Birds chirping]

310
00:12:48,483 --> 00:12:50,918
I'm beginning to wonder
why I ever took this job.

311
00:12:50,986 --> 00:12:53,020
Jay, you lovable little <i>pisher,</i>

312
00:12:53,088 --> 00:12:55,656
you're working too hard.
Enjoy yourself.

313
00:12:55,723 --> 00:12:58,125
Los Angeles is like...
How can I put this?

314
00:12:58,193 --> 00:13:00,560
A big apple, the windy city,

315
00:13:00,628 --> 00:13:03,630
the cradle of civilization,
the red planet.

316
00:13:03,698 --> 00:13:04,899
No. No. Wait. Wait.

317
00:13:04,966 --> 00:13:07,734
I... I'm thinking of New York,
Chicago, babylonia and Mars.

318
00:13:09,771 --> 00:13:12,639
El toupee, I want you
to make my friend look hip.

319
00:13:12,707 --> 00:13:13,874
[Chuckling]

320
00:13:13,942 --> 00:13:15,575
You have challenged El toupee.

321
00:13:15,643 --> 00:13:17,178
I accept.

322
00:13:18,413 --> 00:13:20,114
My work is done.

323
00:13:20,182 --> 00:13:21,315
Adios.

324
00:13:33,195 --> 00:13:35,762
6 of these plastic burgers
are missing.

325
00:13:36,464 --> 00:13:38,665
[Belching]

326
00:13:41,769 --> 00:13:42,970
[Car horn honking]

327
00:13:43,038 --> 00:13:44,471
[Engine revving]

328
00:13:44,539 --> 00:13:46,307
Whoa! Cool car, dad.

329
00:13:46,374 --> 00:13:48,075
Well, son, this is California,

330
00:13:48,143 --> 00:13:50,911
and people judge a man
by the car he drives.

331
00:13:50,979 --> 00:13:52,546
[Brakes screeching]

332
00:13:52,613 --> 00:13:56,483
Check out the geek
in the Porsche.

333
00:13:56,551 --> 00:13:57,985
[Snickering]

334
00:14:01,156 --> 00:14:04,058
<i>♪[California girls</i>
<i>by the beach boys playing]</i>

335
00:14:05,260 --> 00:14:06,560
Let's roll.

336
00:14:07,963 --> 00:14:09,230
[Crashing]

337
00:14:09,865 --> 00:14:11,598
[Horns honking]

338
00:14:13,701 --> 00:14:15,002
Son, this is it.

339
00:14:15,070 --> 00:14:17,704
The famous corner
of Hollywood and vine.

340
00:14:17,772 --> 00:14:19,139
Hollywood's next young starlet

341
00:14:19,207 --> 00:14:21,775
could be walking by right now.

342
00:14:21,843 --> 00:14:23,410
Hey, pal,

343
00:14:23,478 --> 00:14:26,247
for $10 I'll let you watch me
stand over a steam vent.

344
00:14:32,988 --> 00:14:34,321
We got a great show tonight.

345
00:14:34,389 --> 00:14:37,157
Our guests are the same guests
letterman had last night.

346
00:14:37,225 --> 00:14:38,259
And you'll really enjoy

347
00:14:38,326 --> 00:14:40,261
the chemistry between
branford and me.

348
00:14:40,328 --> 00:14:41,828
Shut up, man.

349
00:14:41,897 --> 00:14:43,663
Ok, branford. Didn't mean
to surprise you, there.

350
00:14:43,731 --> 00:14:45,132
We'll be right back.

351
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:47,134
[Car approaching]

352
00:14:47,202 --> 00:14:49,736
Hey, dad, let's get a map
to the movie stars' homes.

353
00:14:49,804 --> 00:14:53,607
Oh, son, movie stars
don't want to be
pestered by tourists.

354
00:14:53,674 --> 00:14:55,609
Come in. Come in.
You want some cookies?

355
00:14:55,676 --> 00:14:57,177
I've been baking all day.

356
00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:00,747
[Horns honking]

357
00:15:03,218 --> 00:15:05,619
I'm pretending there's
someone on the
other end of this phone

358
00:15:05,686 --> 00:15:06,853
so I look important.

359
00:15:06,922 --> 00:15:08,722
Blah, blah, blah,

360
00:15:08,790 --> 00:15:11,992
blah, blah, blah, blah.

361
00:15:12,060 --> 00:15:13,994
Dad, I thought you
came here to write.

362
00:15:14,062 --> 00:15:15,129
I am writing.

363
00:15:15,196 --> 00:15:16,397
No, you're not.

364
00:15:16,464 --> 00:15:18,365
You're just acting
like a show biz phony.

365
00:15:18,433 --> 00:15:20,834
Oh, my God!
You're right, son.

366
00:15:20,902 --> 00:15:23,437
I've forgotten why
I came to Hollywood.

367
00:15:23,504 --> 00:15:26,673
To write the sequel
to the sequel to a movie

368
00:15:26,741 --> 00:15:29,043
I didn't think
they should have made
in the first place.

369
00:15:29,110 --> 00:15:32,413
And, by God,
that's what I'm gonna do.

370
00:15:34,082 --> 00:15:35,316
Ow.

371
00:15:35,383 --> 00:15:37,151
What a loser.

372
00:15:37,218 --> 00:15:38,685
[Slurping]

373
00:15:38,753 --> 00:15:40,254
Right, girls?

374
00:15:40,322 --> 00:15:41,788
[Giggling]

375
00:15:41,856 --> 00:15:43,357
Oh, elephant.

376
00:15:53,969 --> 00:15:55,936
No one must know.

377
00:15:59,841 --> 00:16:01,608
Then the ghost
tells the ghostchaser,

378
00:16:01,676 --> 00:16:03,777
"I'm the scariest thing of all,

379
00:16:03,845 --> 00:16:05,179
your future."

380
00:16:05,246 --> 00:16:07,681
Oh, wow!
That is good writing.

381
00:16:07,748 --> 00:16:10,684
It's as if some divine hand
were inspiring me.

382
00:16:12,653 --> 00:16:13,920
(Satan) Excellent!

383
00:16:13,989 --> 00:16:16,523
Another sequel on the way.

384
00:16:16,591 --> 00:16:18,459
[Cackling]

385
00:16:20,128 --> 00:16:22,262
(She-devil)
Sir, the cast of <i>wings</i>
<i>wants to know</i>

386
00:16:22,330 --> 00:16:24,398
if they can stay on
the air another year.

387
00:16:24,466 --> 00:16:28,202
Tell them there are limits
to even my power.

388
00:16:28,269 --> 00:16:30,770
[Growling]

389
00:16:30,838 --> 00:16:32,006
Here you go.

390
00:16:32,073 --> 00:16:34,141
<i>Ghostchasers III</i>
<i>by Jay sherman.</i>

391
00:16:34,209 --> 00:16:35,342
I have to admit,

392
00:16:35,410 --> 00:16:37,211
it's better than
I ever thought it could be.

393
00:16:37,278 --> 00:16:39,046
Fabulous.
I'm going to my office.

394
00:16:39,114 --> 00:16:41,281
I have a 2:30 meeting
with my inner child.

395
00:16:41,349 --> 00:16:42,849
[Whispering]
He thinks he's gay.

396
00:16:42,917 --> 00:16:44,485
And then I will read it
right away.

397
00:16:44,552 --> 00:16:45,519
I'll be waiting.

398
00:16:57,999 --> 00:16:59,299
What'd you think of my script?

399
00:16:59,367 --> 00:17:02,169
Isn't it obvious, snookie?
Look at my face.

400
00:17:09,444 --> 00:17:11,845
Listen, I can take
any criticism in the world,

401
00:17:11,913 --> 00:17:13,713
but I want an honest opinion.

402
00:17:13,781 --> 00:17:16,016
Honest opinion?
Honest opinion? Hmm?

403
00:17:16,084 --> 00:17:18,419
Hey, look, they're washing
Bo Derek like a horse.

404
00:17:20,555 --> 00:17:21,855
[Tires screeching]

405
00:17:24,859 --> 00:17:25,792
[Tires screeching]

406
00:17:34,402 --> 00:17:35,369
Eh?

407
00:17:39,874 --> 00:17:42,176
Attention. We've spotted
a black man in a Mercedes

408
00:17:42,243 --> 00:17:43,610
obeying the speed limit.

409
00:17:43,678 --> 00:17:45,412
<i>(Woman dispatcher)</i>
<i>Bring him down.</i>
<i>Backup on the way.</i>

410
00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:46,680
[Siren wailing]

411
00:17:46,747 --> 00:17:48,248
[All screaming]

412
00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:54,821
[All screaming]

413
00:18:02,830 --> 00:18:03,830
[Tires skidding]

414
00:18:06,267 --> 00:18:09,769
All right,
it's just you and me.

415
00:18:09,837 --> 00:18:12,272
Now, what did you
think of my script?

416
00:18:12,340 --> 00:18:14,841
It was excrement.

417
00:18:14,909 --> 00:18:16,343
Did you say,
"it was excellent"?

418
00:18:16,411 --> 00:18:17,377
It was crummy.

419
00:18:17,445 --> 00:18:18,612
Did you say, "it was yummy"?

420
00:18:18,679 --> 00:18:20,347
It was an awful piece of junk

421
00:18:20,415 --> 00:18:22,082
that made me want to
puke all night.

422
00:18:22,150 --> 00:18:24,118
Did you say,
"it was an awesome
piece of spunk

423
00:18:24,185 --> 00:18:25,552
that you want to
shoot tonight"?

424
00:18:25,620 --> 00:18:29,089
It was a bilious piece of dirt
that made me cry out in pain.

425
00:18:29,157 --> 00:18:31,492
Did you say,
"it was a brilliant
piece of work

426
00:18:31,559 --> 00:18:33,260
"and you'll fly me
out to Spain,

427
00:18:33,328 --> 00:18:34,761
"where we'll meet
king Juan Carlos

428
00:18:34,829 --> 00:18:36,363
and drink sangria all night"?

429
00:18:36,431 --> 00:18:37,897
You piece of blech.

430
00:18:41,569 --> 00:18:42,769
Oh, Mr. sherman,

431
00:18:42,837 --> 00:18:44,504
you've been assigned
a new parking spot

432
00:18:44,572 --> 00:18:47,040
based on the unanimous
reaction to your script.

433
00:18:48,042 --> 00:18:49,676
[Tires screeching]

434
00:19:00,321 --> 00:19:01,354
[Beeping]

435
00:19:01,422 --> 00:19:02,723
What the...

436
00:19:03,357 --> 00:19:04,891
Hmm? Hmm?

437
00:19:04,959 --> 00:19:06,827
This repulsive space creature

438
00:19:06,894 --> 00:19:09,129
is too hideous
to reveal to the public.

439
00:19:09,196 --> 00:19:10,964
This is worse than
that crater on Mars

440
00:19:11,032 --> 00:19:12,899
we found shaped like yoko ono.

441
00:19:12,967 --> 00:19:14,267
[Hammer tapping]

442
00:19:16,303 --> 00:19:18,471
Don't put the toilet paper
dispenser there.

443
00:19:18,539 --> 00:19:20,007
What is he, plastic man?

444
00:19:20,074 --> 00:19:21,274
What's going on?

445
00:19:21,342 --> 00:19:23,209
Sherman, we want you
out of this office.

446
00:19:23,277 --> 00:19:25,445
Tom cruise, next door,
wants a private bathroom.

447
00:19:26,380 --> 00:19:27,547
Oh, my God!

448
00:19:29,350 --> 00:19:31,618
Well, Chaz, you've been
a very loyal assistant.

449
00:19:31,686 --> 00:19:33,153
I hope you land on your feet.

450
00:19:33,220 --> 00:19:34,387
[Telephone ringing]

451
00:19:34,455 --> 00:19:35,555
Tom cruise's bathroom.

452
00:19:35,623 --> 00:19:38,191
This is Chaz, vice-president
in charge of flushing.

453
00:19:38,259 --> 00:19:39,425
He'll do fine.

454
00:19:42,363 --> 00:19:44,497
I've had it, jer'.
We're going home.

455
00:19:44,565 --> 00:19:45,866
You can't work in this town

456
00:19:45,933 --> 00:19:48,268
without sacrificing
every principle you have.

457
00:19:48,335 --> 00:19:49,536
That's not true.

458
00:19:49,603 --> 00:19:51,038
I still have
one principle left.

459
00:19:51,105 --> 00:19:53,373
I've never had plastic surgery.

460
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:55,308
Hmm? What's this thread?

461
00:19:59,580 --> 00:20:01,548
Get me Dr. goldberg, stat!

462
00:20:05,787 --> 00:20:08,889
Hello. And welcome
to <i>coming attractions.</i>

463
00:20:08,956 --> 00:20:11,792
Our first film is
<i>ghostchasers III.</i>

464
00:20:11,859 --> 00:20:14,928
I helped write this picture,
but, believe me when I say,

465
00:20:14,996 --> 00:20:17,664
this is the worst movie
ever made!

466
00:20:17,732 --> 00:20:19,700
Attention L.A. street gangs,

467
00:20:19,767 --> 00:20:20,934
why kill each other

468
00:20:21,002 --> 00:20:23,070
when there are more deserving
movie executives

469
00:20:23,137 --> 00:20:24,805
just Miles from your home?

470
00:20:24,872 --> 00:20:25,972
Their addresses are...

471
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:27,174
<i>Viewer advisory.</i>

472
00:20:27,241 --> 00:20:28,341
<i>The rest of</i>
<i>this review contains</i>

473
00:20:28,409 --> 00:20:30,043
<i>incitements to violence,</i>
<i>foul language,</i>

474
00:20:30,111 --> 00:20:31,778
<i>rubber novelty poop,</i>
<i>and brief nudity.</i>

475
00:20:31,846 --> 00:20:34,214
Good night, everybody.
Join me in 30 days

476
00:20:34,281 --> 00:20:37,150
for my review of our
overcrowded penal system.

477
00:20:40,121 --> 00:20:42,823
Hey, Duke,
thank God you came to get me.

478
00:20:42,890 --> 00:20:45,025
No, actually,
I'm here to bail out

479
00:20:45,093 --> 00:20:47,460
the child stars from my sitcom

480
00:20:47,528 --> 00:20:49,329
<i>who's daddy now?</i>

481
00:20:49,396 --> 00:20:50,797
Hiya, bunkmate,

482
00:20:50,865 --> 00:20:52,699
how about a shiatsu massage?

483
00:20:53,300 --> 00:20:54,634
Ooh, a fan.

484
00:20:55,703 --> 00:20:56,937
Uh-oh.

485
00:20:57,004 --> 00:20:58,205
Attention convicts,

486
00:20:58,272 --> 00:20:59,539
in return for your help

487
00:20:59,607 --> 00:21:02,609
in testing the experimental
fertility drug,

488
00:21:02,676 --> 00:21:04,978
with its unfortunate
side effects...

489
00:21:05,046 --> 00:21:08,381
Hey, warden, I'm dilating
like there's no tomorrow.

490
00:21:08,449 --> 00:21:09,883
We have a special treat.

491
00:21:09,951 --> 00:21:13,253
Tonight we will be showing
<i>ghostchasers III.</i>

492
00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:15,789
Is there no end to my torture?

493
00:21:15,857 --> 00:21:17,758
<i>Oh, my God!</i>
<i>Save yourselves!</i>

494
00:21:17,825 --> 00:21:21,361
<i>New York is being destroyed</i>
<i>by an 80-foot ed koch!</i>

495
00:21:21,428 --> 00:21:22,963
[Rumbling]

496
00:21:23,030 --> 00:21:25,966
<i>How am I doing?</i>
<i>How am I doing?</i>
<i>How am I doing?</i>

497
00:21:29,103 --> 00:21:31,037
<i>[People screaming]</i>

498
00:21:31,105 --> 00:21:34,074
<i>Don't be scared.</i>
<i>I'm just looking for a nosh.</i>

499
00:21:34,142 --> 00:21:36,042
This movie's just
like the first 2.

500
00:21:36,110 --> 00:21:37,978
Hey, my water broke!

501
00:21:38,045 --> 00:21:39,646
(All) Boo!

502
00:21:39,713 --> 00:21:41,181
Yuck!

503
00:21:41,249 --> 00:21:42,949
[Glass shattering]
They really hate it.

504
00:21:43,017 --> 00:21:45,652
For once in my life,
I truly belong.

505
00:21:45,719 --> 00:21:47,420
I got you some popcorn.

506
00:21:47,488 --> 00:21:49,455
No salt,
just the way you like it.

507
00:21:49,523 --> 00:21:50,824
[Crashing] You know,

508
00:21:50,892 --> 00:21:53,359
this is the best date
I've ever had.

509
00:22:02,387 --> 00:22:03,320
[Chomping]

510
00:22:07,191 --> 00:22:08,458
[Slurping]

511
00:22:42,226 --> 00:22:43,893
<i>(Jay)</i>
<i>Celebrity voices</i>
<i>are impersonated.</i>

512
00:22:43,961 --> 00:22:47,564
<i>No celebrities were harmed in</i>
<i>the filming of this episode.</i>

513
00:22:50,100 --> 00:22:51,935
Excuse me, sir,
the show's over.

514
00:22:52,002 --> 00:22:54,103
Get away, zitface.

515
00:22:54,171 --> 00:22:55,372
[Chattering]

516
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:56,373
Shh.