1 00:00:21,020 --> 00:00:22,487 [Phone ringing] 2 00:00:23,355 --> 00:00:24,422 Hello? 3 00:00:24,490 --> 00:00:27,559 (Devil) Hello, Jay. This is the devil. 4 00:00:27,627 --> 00:00:30,896 Despite what you think, i am not the reason 5 00:00:30,963 --> 00:00:32,664 Cher won an Oscar. 6 00:00:32,732 --> 00:00:36,267 I am the reason Marisa tomei won an Oscar. 7 00:00:36,335 --> 00:00:37,802 [Grunting] 8 00:00:58,090 --> 00:00:59,457 [Ice cracking] 9 00:00:59,525 --> 00:01:00,692 [All screaming] 10 00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:02,126 [All groaning] 11 00:01:12,171 --> 00:01:13,638 It stinks! 12 00:01:15,441 --> 00:01:16,374 [Clicks] 13 00:01:26,068 --> 00:01:28,720 Hello. I'm Jay sherman coming to you live 14 00:01:28,788 --> 00:01:32,290 from the cannes film festival. All the stars are here. 15 00:01:32,357 --> 00:01:34,793 There's holly hunter talking to marlee matlin. 16 00:01:36,829 --> 00:01:38,529 Keep it down, you two. 17 00:01:40,099 --> 00:01:41,499 The views are gorgeous. 18 00:01:41,567 --> 00:01:43,835 From this hill you can see monte Carlo. 19 00:01:43,903 --> 00:01:45,203 (Marlon Brando) It's not a hill. 20 00:01:45,270 --> 00:01:48,172 Some punk kids buried me in the sand. 21 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:51,142 Hey, listen, you got a sandwich as long as you're up there? 22 00:01:51,210 --> 00:01:53,712 Tuesday, lunch with Stallone. 23 00:01:53,779 --> 00:01:55,213 So I can write it off. 24 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:57,515 [Imitating rocky] Yo, dad, that's ok. 25 00:01:57,583 --> 00:01:59,751 I mean, you got to make a buck, you know. 26 00:01:59,819 --> 00:02:00,852 That's good, son. 27 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:03,788 Mickey, cut my eye! Cut my eye! 28 00:02:03,856 --> 00:02:04,990 That's enough. 29 00:02:05,057 --> 00:02:06,324 Yo. 30 00:02:06,391 --> 00:02:08,226 This says the cannes film festival 31 00:02:08,293 --> 00:02:10,061 started in 1947. 32 00:02:10,129 --> 00:02:13,031 Before that, this place was the unshaven armpit 33 00:02:13,099 --> 00:02:14,298 of the riviera. 34 00:02:14,366 --> 00:02:16,735 [With French accent] The tourists have ruined cannes. 35 00:02:16,802 --> 00:02:20,005 When I was a boy, the people were friendly. 36 00:02:20,072 --> 00:02:22,373 Oh, the beach was beautiful. 37 00:02:25,978 --> 00:02:29,848 Oh, monsieur Hitler, my kite won't fly. 38 00:02:29,915 --> 00:02:32,851 You need a tail. Use mein armband. 39 00:02:33,552 --> 00:02:34,686 Whee! 40 00:02:34,754 --> 00:02:36,587 [Both laughing] 41 00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:37,656 [Smooching] 44 00:02:40,092 --> 00:02:42,293 Ha! Oh, oh, sweetsie. 45 00:02:42,361 --> 00:02:44,328 [Laughing] Good boy. 46 00:02:46,098 --> 00:02:49,701 Ja wohl! I mean, you will, uh, be having wine 47 00:02:49,769 --> 00:02:50,769 with your meal? 48 00:02:50,836 --> 00:02:52,470 No, thanks. My son is too young, 49 00:02:52,538 --> 00:02:55,674 and the last time I drank, I woke up in a petting zoo 50 00:02:55,741 --> 00:02:57,575 and there was one goat missing. 51 00:02:57,643 --> 00:02:59,177 But this is France. 52 00:02:59,244 --> 00:03:01,612 Here children drink wine all the time, 53 00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:04,615 like their cartoon hero, winey Jacques. 54 00:03:07,086 --> 00:03:08,553 Oh, yeah, 55 00:03:08,620 --> 00:03:11,589 winey is here and he's got to sit down. 56 00:03:11,657 --> 00:03:13,357 [Moaning] 57 00:03:15,828 --> 00:03:17,495 All right. We'll split a glass. 58 00:03:21,967 --> 00:03:26,871 [Drunkenly] You are the greatest dad a boy can have. 59 00:03:26,939 --> 00:03:28,506 I'd die for you, man. 60 00:03:28,574 --> 00:03:32,343 [Slurring] That is the sweetest thing anybody ever said to me. 61 00:03:32,411 --> 00:03:35,379 God, are you handsome! 62 00:03:35,447 --> 00:03:38,016 Where do you think i get it from, man? 63 00:03:38,084 --> 00:03:39,050 Eh? 64 00:03:42,922 --> 00:03:44,522 [Groaning] 65 00:03:44,590 --> 00:03:47,458 Dad, I'll never drink again. 66 00:03:47,526 --> 00:03:50,661 And I shouldn't have had all that bouillabaisse. 67 00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:51,796 Zut, alors! 68 00:03:51,864 --> 00:03:54,265 What has happened to our tropical fish? 69 00:03:54,333 --> 00:03:55,967 Au revoir, sucker. 70 00:03:56,035 --> 00:03:57,135 Whoa! 71 00:03:57,203 --> 00:03:58,236 [Car horns honking] 72 00:03:58,303 --> 00:04:00,571 [Ringing] 73 00:04:00,639 --> 00:04:02,640 (Duke) Jay, this is your boss. How's your room? 74 00:04:02,708 --> 00:04:04,442 Well, I cracked the bidet. 75 00:04:04,509 --> 00:04:07,045 Well, if you want to see an absolute disgrace, 76 00:04:07,113 --> 00:04:08,512 come up to see my room. 77 00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:13,952 I ordered white tigers! 78 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:18,056 [Whimpering] 79 00:04:18,124 --> 00:04:20,524 Now, Jay, I make an important presentation tomorrow 80 00:04:20,592 --> 00:04:22,093 and I want you to introduce me. 81 00:04:22,161 --> 00:04:23,928 They love you here in France. 82 00:04:23,996 --> 00:04:26,430 Probably because you resemble babar, 83 00:04:26,498 --> 00:04:28,166 king of the elephants. 84 00:04:28,234 --> 00:04:30,235 Oh, will you shut up. 85 00:04:41,947 --> 00:04:45,150 For years, we broadcasters have butchered old movies. 86 00:04:45,217 --> 00:04:48,052 We've colorized them, we've dubbed in lines like: 87 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:50,621 "Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a ham," 88 00:04:50,689 --> 00:04:53,457 and "rommel, you magnificent bus stop." 89 00:04:53,525 --> 00:04:55,994 But we've never been able to make movies better. 90 00:04:56,061 --> 00:04:59,530 Now, we can through the magic of phillipsvision. 91 00:05:00,933 --> 00:05:01,866 [Beeps] 92 00:05:07,072 --> 00:05:09,774 There she goes, Rick, the love of your life. 93 00:05:09,842 --> 00:05:13,011 Louie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. 94 00:05:15,447 --> 00:05:18,817 Rick, I changed my mind. I'm coming back to you. 95 00:05:18,884 --> 00:05:20,151 And I'm here, too. 96 00:05:22,021 --> 00:05:25,190 ♪ Rick has got his gal 97 00:05:25,257 --> 00:05:28,392 ♪ and Louie is his pal 98 00:05:28,460 --> 00:05:31,362 ♪ they execute the spy 99 00:05:34,967 --> 00:05:39,770 ♪ stay tuned for all the local news ♪ 100 00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:42,506 ♪ and .Magnum 101 00:05:42,574 --> 00:05:45,710 ♪ p.I. 102 00:05:50,015 --> 00:05:51,249 Here's how it works. 103 00:05:51,317 --> 00:05:53,184 Some pretentious, weirdo director 104 00:05:53,252 --> 00:05:56,120 mucks up a great movie with a downer ending. 105 00:05:56,188 --> 00:06:00,158 I use a bunch of computers to put it back the way God intended. 106 00:06:00,226 --> 00:06:01,259 Any questions? 107 00:06:01,327 --> 00:06:02,994 What would the stars say about the way 108 00:06:03,062 --> 00:06:04,495 you're exploiting their images? 109 00:06:04,563 --> 00:06:06,898 Why don't we ask them. 110 00:06:06,966 --> 00:06:09,500 Yah, I hereby release Duke Phillips, see, 111 00:06:09,568 --> 00:06:11,702 to use my face and voice in any way he sees fit 112 00:06:11,770 --> 00:06:14,172 for his marvelous new invention, phillipsvision, see? 113 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:15,840 Yah. Yah. Yah. 114 00:06:17,609 --> 00:06:19,878 Here's my newly restored Spartacus, 115 00:06:19,945 --> 00:06:23,581 minus a 110 minutes of Stanley kubrick deadwood. 116 00:06:26,718 --> 00:06:29,620 Spartacus, we rigged the chariot of the centurion. 117 00:06:29,688 --> 00:06:31,422 Then let's rock and roll! 118 00:06:31,490 --> 00:06:33,057 [Horses neighing] 119 00:06:35,261 --> 00:06:39,163 Nobody gets away from centurion buford c. Augustus. 120 00:06:39,231 --> 00:06:40,464 [Neighing] 121 00:06:40,532 --> 00:06:41,766 [Wailing] 122 00:06:43,735 --> 00:06:45,169 Yee-ha! Whoo-hoo! 123 00:06:45,237 --> 00:06:46,938 I love you, Spartacus. 124 00:06:50,142 --> 00:06:52,476 You simply cannot do this. 125 00:06:52,544 --> 00:06:54,345 I can do anything I want. 126 00:06:54,413 --> 00:06:57,916 If I want citizen Kane's last word to be "schwing," 127 00:06:57,983 --> 00:06:59,617 then that's what it's gonna be. 128 00:06:59,684 --> 00:07:02,553 I'm a God, I tell you! A go... 129 00:07:02,621 --> 00:07:03,821 [gasping] 130 00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:06,891 [All exclaiming] 131 00:07:08,060 --> 00:07:10,328 Rosebud. 132 00:07:10,396 --> 00:07:11,695 I mean, schwing. 133 00:07:26,545 --> 00:07:29,713 [With French accent] Monsieur Phillips, you have a very rare condition 134 00:07:29,781 --> 00:07:33,117 previously only seen when first cousins intermarry. 135 00:07:33,185 --> 00:07:34,585 [Laughing] 136 00:07:34,653 --> 00:07:36,955 Well, fancy that. Always a first time, huh? 137 00:07:38,390 --> 00:07:42,060 Sir, I am going to be Frank. You have 4 years to live. 138 00:07:42,127 --> 00:07:43,127 What? 139 00:07:43,195 --> 00:07:44,728 I'm afraid there is nothing I can do. 140 00:07:44,796 --> 00:07:45,964 Oh, really? 141 00:07:46,031 --> 00:07:47,598 What if I gave you a whole mess 142 00:07:47,666 --> 00:07:51,002 of that neon toilet paper you frenchs call money? 143 00:07:51,070 --> 00:07:54,738 I would say, "merci beaucoup, monsieur '4 years to live.'" 144 00:07:54,806 --> 00:07:56,474 this can't be right. 145 00:07:56,541 --> 00:07:58,709 Why, I've got the body of an 18-year-old... 146 00:07:59,845 --> 00:08:01,312 [Panting] 147 00:08:02,614 --> 00:08:04,349 You're telling me that this guy 148 00:08:04,416 --> 00:08:06,150 is gonna live longer than me? 149 00:08:06,218 --> 00:08:09,687 Yes, but he will have years of chronic back and joint pain 150 00:08:09,754 --> 00:08:12,957 until the day he chokes on a ham sandwich in his bathtub. 151 00:08:13,025 --> 00:08:15,360 Oh! Oh! Can the sandwich be olive loaf? 152 00:08:15,427 --> 00:08:16,394 I suppose so. 153 00:08:16,462 --> 00:08:17,428 Yes! 154 00:08:20,215 --> 00:08:21,648 (Duke) 4 years to live. 155 00:08:21,716 --> 00:08:24,385 I can't believe it. I still can't believe it. 156 00:08:24,453 --> 00:08:26,454 Good news, sir. They've decided to name 157 00:08:26,521 --> 00:08:28,555 your fatal illness Duke Phillips disease. 158 00:08:28,623 --> 00:08:30,858 I already have a disease named after me. 159 00:08:30,925 --> 00:08:33,760 My real name is Duke scabies. 160 00:08:33,828 --> 00:08:37,264 I'm a descendent of col. Beauregard scabies. 161 00:08:39,767 --> 00:08:42,903 Sorry, boys, I didn't know it was contagious. 162 00:08:42,971 --> 00:08:44,405 [All groaning] 163 00:08:51,746 --> 00:08:54,615 (Man) At least we didn't serve under col. Crabs. 164 00:08:59,321 --> 00:09:02,623 Sir, wall street found out about your illness. 165 00:09:02,690 --> 00:09:03,790 Blast! 166 00:09:04,692 --> 00:09:05,993 [Car horns honking] 167 00:09:06,061 --> 00:09:09,530 [Laughing] Just made $10 million. 168 00:09:09,597 --> 00:09:11,198 Wait a minute. This means they think 169 00:09:11,266 --> 00:09:13,000 I'm some kind of country bumpkin. 170 00:09:13,068 --> 00:09:14,568 What's for lunch? 171 00:09:14,636 --> 00:09:16,837 Side of meat and turnip Greens, boiled potatoes 172 00:09:16,905 --> 00:09:19,840 and pinto beans, possum stew and shoofly pie, 173 00:09:19,908 --> 00:09:21,942 pickled pigs' feet fresh from the sty. 174 00:09:22,010 --> 00:09:23,610 Yum! Yum! 175 00:09:23,678 --> 00:09:25,079 Well, doggie. 176 00:09:25,147 --> 00:09:26,414 Dig in, city boy. 177 00:09:26,481 --> 00:09:27,781 I'll show you how I'm fixin' up 178 00:09:27,849 --> 00:09:29,950 one flew over the cuckoo's nest. 179 00:09:38,060 --> 00:09:39,460 Hey, chief, 180 00:09:39,528 --> 00:09:42,563 how'd you get this pillow case so freakin' white? 181 00:09:42,630 --> 00:09:45,132 I use Phillips brand detergent. 182 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:48,635 You'd have to be cuckoo not to use it. 183 00:09:48,703 --> 00:09:50,171 I use it on my whites 184 00:09:51,173 --> 00:09:52,773 and my colors. 185 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:54,275 Nurse ratched? 186 00:09:54,342 --> 00:09:56,610 Call me Brandy. 187 00:09:56,678 --> 00:09:58,546 Chief get down with nurse. 188 00:09:58,613 --> 00:09:59,880 Make um bacon. 189 00:09:59,948 --> 00:10:00,948 Hmm. 190 00:10:02,551 --> 00:10:04,985 Your handling of the mentally ill is quite sensitive, 191 00:10:05,053 --> 00:10:08,322 but I think I'm going to go outside now and retch! 192 00:10:09,291 --> 00:10:10,624 Wait, son, I need you. 193 00:10:10,692 --> 00:10:13,427 You're the only one here who's not trying to cheer me up. 194 00:10:13,495 --> 00:10:15,896 My only advice would be to make the most 195 00:10:15,964 --> 00:10:17,364 of the time you have left. 196 00:10:17,432 --> 00:10:20,234 I just know there's something you've always wanted to do, 197 00:10:20,302 --> 00:10:22,203 but it seemed too frivolous, 198 00:10:22,270 --> 00:10:24,405 too daring. 199 00:10:24,473 --> 00:10:26,974 I'm sorry, Jay, I'm just not attracted to you. 200 00:10:27,041 --> 00:10:28,875 I wasn't making a pass at you. 201 00:10:28,943 --> 00:10:30,244 Sure you weren't. 202 00:10:30,312 --> 00:10:32,113 I'm just saying there must be something 203 00:10:32,180 --> 00:10:34,315 you'd really like to do but never had the chance. 204 00:10:34,382 --> 00:10:37,985 Well, you know, I've always wanted to tell off my boss. 205 00:10:38,052 --> 00:10:39,987 Put that old buzzard in his place. 206 00:10:40,054 --> 00:10:41,322 You don't have a boss. 207 00:10:41,389 --> 00:10:44,525 [Laughing] Jay, you are now my boss. 208 00:10:44,593 --> 00:10:45,526 [Gulping] 209 00:10:48,163 --> 00:10:50,897 Well, Mr. sherman, you think you're the puppet master 210 00:10:50,965 --> 00:10:54,201 and I'm just dancing on your strings? 211 00:10:54,269 --> 00:10:56,103 Well, snip, snip. 212 00:10:56,171 --> 00:10:58,639 You're nothing but a scurvy little spider 213 00:10:58,706 --> 00:11:00,174 spinning your webs! 214 00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:01,375 [Grunting] 215 00:11:01,443 --> 00:11:02,709 [Smashing] 216 00:11:02,777 --> 00:11:04,711 Take that, b'Nai b'rith award! 217 00:11:04,779 --> 00:11:05,812 Ha! 218 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:07,148 [Glass shattering] 219 00:11:07,215 --> 00:11:08,949 Man, that felt great. 220 00:11:12,086 --> 00:11:13,020 [Smashing] 221 00:11:14,489 --> 00:11:15,523 (Duke) Quyzbuk. 222 00:11:15,590 --> 00:11:17,158 That's not a word. 223 00:11:17,225 --> 00:11:18,659 Get Webster on the phone. 224 00:11:18,726 --> 00:11:20,961 Noah, how you doin'? It's Duke. 225 00:11:21,029 --> 00:11:23,364 How much would it cost to make "quyzbuk" a word? 226 00:11:23,431 --> 00:11:27,100 I don't know what it means. Uh, how about "a big problem"? 227 00:11:27,169 --> 00:11:28,469 Great. 228 00:11:28,537 --> 00:11:29,770 How about that other word I invented? 229 00:11:29,837 --> 00:11:32,640 "Dukelicious." No one's usin' it? 230 00:11:32,707 --> 00:11:34,841 What a duketastrophy. 231 00:11:34,909 --> 00:11:37,411 Jay, get a pen and paper. I'm gonna dictate my will. 232 00:11:37,479 --> 00:11:39,180 What am I, your secretary? 233 00:11:39,247 --> 00:11:41,982 Son, the only thing you have in common with my secretary 234 00:11:42,050 --> 00:11:43,917 are humungous breasts. 235 00:11:43,985 --> 00:11:45,352 Now, take down my will. 236 00:11:45,420 --> 00:11:47,688 Can do, Mr. "p." 237 00:11:47,755 --> 00:11:50,891 To my ex-wife, I leave zilch. 238 00:11:50,958 --> 00:11:53,227 Nah, she deserves more. 239 00:11:53,295 --> 00:11:55,663 Custody of my diddly squat. 240 00:11:55,730 --> 00:11:58,399 And in the name of my good friend Jay sherman, 241 00:11:58,466 --> 00:12:00,601 I will endow a department of gay studies 242 00:12:00,669 --> 00:12:03,070 at every university in America. 243 00:12:03,137 --> 00:12:04,971 Duke, that's a very nice gesture, 244 00:12:05,039 --> 00:12:06,940 but I must again point out 245 00:12:07,008 --> 00:12:08,742 I am not gay. 246 00:12:08,810 --> 00:12:11,445 All right. A department of human oddities. 247 00:12:11,513 --> 00:12:12,713 Gay it is. 248 00:12:13,548 --> 00:12:14,481 [Car horns honking] 249 00:12:15,850 --> 00:12:18,785 Jay, come in here and meet rod mckuen. 250 00:12:18,853 --> 00:12:20,621 "Front yard squirrel is stealing oranges. 251 00:12:20,689 --> 00:12:22,756 "He crabs and chit-chats to himself, 252 00:12:22,824 --> 00:12:25,058 "then threading through the leaves and branches, 253 00:12:25,126 --> 00:12:27,828 he spies an orange 3 times his head size." 254 00:12:27,895 --> 00:12:29,096 [Chuckling] 255 00:12:29,163 --> 00:12:30,831 Silly old squirrel. 256 00:12:30,898 --> 00:12:33,734 Rod's gonna write my musical autobiography. 257 00:12:33,801 --> 00:12:35,402 How are you doing this? 258 00:12:35,470 --> 00:12:38,439 Duke and I have been friends ever since we met at the cat lovers' convention. 259 00:12:38,506 --> 00:12:40,374 Shut up, rhyme boy. 260 00:12:40,442 --> 00:12:41,675 You know, I'm not just a poet, 261 00:12:41,743 --> 00:12:43,444 I'm an Oscar-nominated songwriter. 262 00:12:43,511 --> 00:12:46,046 And what is a poem but a song without a tune? 263 00:12:46,114 --> 00:12:47,948 Your songs better have tunes. 264 00:12:48,015 --> 00:12:49,015 They will, sir. 265 00:12:49,083 --> 00:12:50,083 Catchy tunes. 266 00:12:50,151 --> 00:12:51,252 Sir, yes, sir. 267 00:12:52,854 --> 00:12:54,888 Oh, son, who am I kidding? 268 00:12:54,956 --> 00:12:56,823 I'm still gonna die. 269 00:12:56,891 --> 00:12:59,260 Look, you've accomplished so much in your life. 270 00:12:59,327 --> 00:13:02,596 I'm a fraud. That boat I won the America's cup with 271 00:13:02,664 --> 00:13:05,432 had a motor in it. Oh, what's the point? 272 00:13:05,500 --> 00:13:07,200 I don't know the answer to that. 273 00:13:07,269 --> 00:13:09,803 But tell me, have you ever considered going to church? 274 00:13:09,871 --> 00:13:11,372 Religion, huh? 275 00:13:11,439 --> 00:13:14,007 It's not too late, my little lamb. 276 00:13:14,075 --> 00:13:17,043 Well, like most members of America's cultural elite, 277 00:13:17,111 --> 00:13:20,581 I worship pan, the goat God. But thanks for the thought. 278 00:13:23,485 --> 00:13:24,652 Jay, I want to thank you. 279 00:13:24,719 --> 00:13:26,420 You stood by me, and I appreciate it. 280 00:13:26,488 --> 00:13:27,854 But I'm giving up. 281 00:13:27,922 --> 00:13:30,190 I made an appointment with Dr. krekorian. 282 00:13:30,258 --> 00:13:31,792 The suicide doctor? 283 00:13:31,859 --> 00:13:34,194 Ah, Mr. Phillips. 284 00:13:34,262 --> 00:13:36,029 Oh, yeah, you'll go easy. 285 00:13:36,097 --> 00:13:38,064 Oh, it's not me, it's him. 286 00:13:38,132 --> 00:13:42,135 What? This adonis? Mmm. This will take a lot of juice. 287 00:13:42,203 --> 00:13:44,037 $12,000. 288 00:13:44,105 --> 00:13:45,806 And I'll throw him in for free. 289 00:13:45,873 --> 00:13:48,475 I give my turn to Bronson pinchot. 290 00:13:48,543 --> 00:13:50,544 [Wheels squeaking] 291 00:13:50,612 --> 00:13:52,279 [Electric buzzing] 292 00:13:52,347 --> 00:13:54,181 ♪[Carnival music playing] 293 00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:00,821 Stop! You don't have to do this. 294 00:14:00,888 --> 00:14:04,758 All that's left for me now is to die with dignity and grace. 295 00:14:04,826 --> 00:14:07,795 On our headphones, you can listen to Stan freeberg. 296 00:14:07,862 --> 00:14:10,431 The perfect end to the perfect life. 297 00:14:10,498 --> 00:14:13,233 Listen, spending all this time with you has made me realize 298 00:14:13,301 --> 00:14:15,068 there's a decent guy in there, 299 00:14:15,136 --> 00:14:16,603 a guy worth saving. 300 00:14:16,671 --> 00:14:20,140 Thank you, Jay. After I die, you can eat my brain, 301 00:14:20,208 --> 00:14:22,309 and it will give you power. 302 00:14:22,377 --> 00:14:23,944 Wait! Don't give up yet. 303 00:14:24,011 --> 00:14:25,646 What if we find a cure for your disease, 304 00:14:25,714 --> 00:14:27,581 like in that film lorenzo's oil? 305 00:14:27,649 --> 00:14:29,483 Isn't that the picture you called a mixture 306 00:14:29,551 --> 00:14:31,151 of fantasy and crap. 307 00:14:31,219 --> 00:14:34,187 Yes. I dubbed it "fantacrap." 308 00:14:34,255 --> 00:14:36,423 Duke, just give me one month. 309 00:14:36,491 --> 00:14:38,191 Ok. You got a month. 310 00:14:41,062 --> 00:14:42,663 Hmm. Huh! 311 00:14:42,731 --> 00:14:45,532 He's still alive. I've never lost a patient before. 312 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,668 You could still run him down in the parking lot. 313 00:14:47,736 --> 00:14:49,169 To the deathmobile! 314 00:14:50,104 --> 00:14:51,872 [Tires screeching] 315 00:14:51,939 --> 00:14:54,140 ♪[Batman theme music playing] 316 00:14:56,811 --> 00:14:57,711 [Gasps] 317 00:15:00,749 --> 00:15:02,082 [Clattering] 318 00:15:09,391 --> 00:15:11,692 Well, I'm off to find your cure. 319 00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:13,960 Just what makes you so sure you can help me? 320 00:15:14,028 --> 00:15:16,129 Because I've had every disease there is, 321 00:15:16,197 --> 00:15:18,465 except delusions of grandeur. 322 00:15:18,533 --> 00:15:22,068 And that is why God has chosen me alone 323 00:15:22,136 --> 00:15:24,605 to do his work on earth! 324 00:15:24,672 --> 00:15:26,640 All right. But I'm not expecting much. 325 00:15:26,708 --> 00:15:28,609 The doctors have already injected me 326 00:15:28,676 --> 00:15:30,544 with horsefly embryos. 327 00:15:30,612 --> 00:15:33,480 And all I got to show for it is kaleidoscope vision. 328 00:15:33,548 --> 00:15:35,716 So, right now you're seeing 24 little mes? 329 00:15:35,784 --> 00:15:38,786 That's over 4,000 pounds of solid sherman. 330 00:15:38,853 --> 00:15:40,587 ♪[Singing in hebrew] 331 00:15:52,634 --> 00:15:54,968 A single plant in the rain forests of Brazil 332 00:15:55,036 --> 00:15:57,070 just might be the cure. 333 00:15:57,138 --> 00:15:58,705 [Helicopter whirring] 334 00:16:03,244 --> 00:16:06,480 There it is, the single plant that will save Duke's life. 335 00:16:08,149 --> 00:16:09,082 [Jay gasping] 336 00:16:11,185 --> 00:16:12,519 I'm a film critic 337 00:16:12,587 --> 00:16:14,521 and I'd like to buy a few hundred test animals. 338 00:16:14,589 --> 00:16:16,289 You're going to eat them, aren't you? 339 00:16:16,357 --> 00:16:19,560 No. I'm going to use them for medical experimentation, 340 00:16:19,627 --> 00:16:21,962 and then I'm going to eat them. 341 00:16:22,029 --> 00:16:24,498 We'd like to help you, but we're in a real quyzbuk. 342 00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:27,300 All of our animals are committed to testing cosmetics. 343 00:16:27,368 --> 00:16:30,871 ♪[Saxophone music playing] 344 00:16:32,941 --> 00:16:36,242 Well, hello, you rascally rabbit. 345 00:16:36,310 --> 00:16:37,744 [Growling cat call] 346 00:16:37,812 --> 00:16:40,080 Dad, you got to start dating. 347 00:16:43,618 --> 00:16:45,285 [Birds chirping] 348 00:16:45,353 --> 00:16:48,154 We could freeze your boss until a cure is found, 349 00:16:48,222 --> 00:16:49,857 like we did with this gentleman. 350 00:16:49,924 --> 00:16:51,224 Uh, excuse me, doctor. 351 00:16:51,292 --> 00:16:53,894 Those kids are skiing down Orson welles again. 352 00:16:53,962 --> 00:16:55,863 Oh! I'll be right there. 353 00:16:58,533 --> 00:16:59,533 [Shattering] 354 00:16:59,601 --> 00:17:00,767 [Gasping] 355 00:17:05,072 --> 00:17:06,339 I've been working day and night 356 00:17:06,407 --> 00:17:08,041 trying to find a cure. 357 00:17:08,109 --> 00:17:09,242 Nothing. 358 00:17:09,310 --> 00:17:12,779 Your father is conducting an experiment of his own. 359 00:17:12,847 --> 00:17:15,949 Maybe you two can work together. 360 00:17:16,017 --> 00:17:17,985 ♪[Carousel music playing] 361 00:17:22,690 --> 00:17:25,458 What is the point of this experiment? 362 00:17:25,527 --> 00:17:28,729 I've invented the first fish-mo-baby-whirl-amagig. 363 00:17:28,796 --> 00:17:31,464 It will be bigger than the badgo-blaster. 364 00:17:35,770 --> 00:17:37,170 [Yawns] 365 00:17:37,238 --> 00:17:40,707 Poor little guy. Working his butt off for me. 366 00:17:40,775 --> 00:17:43,944 Our next film is Jurassic park ii... 367 00:17:45,379 --> 00:17:46,813 [Yawns] 368 00:17:46,881 --> 00:17:49,983 The revenge of the raptors, a non-stop thrill ride. 369 00:17:51,886 --> 00:17:53,186 [Screaming] 370 00:17:54,121 --> 00:17:55,055 [Roars] 371 00:17:56,357 --> 00:17:58,191 You can't hold a raptor in a closet, 372 00:17:58,259 --> 00:17:59,860 they're too smart. 373 00:18:00,828 --> 00:18:01,895 [Banging] 374 00:18:06,668 --> 00:18:07,634 [Roaring] 375 00:18:08,369 --> 00:18:09,803 You may have us, 376 00:18:09,871 --> 00:18:12,039 but you'll never get off the island. 377 00:18:12,106 --> 00:18:14,474 I beg to differ. For, you see, the other raptors 378 00:18:14,542 --> 00:18:16,743 and I have constructed a crude suspension bridge 379 00:18:16,811 --> 00:18:17,878 to Venezuela. 380 00:18:17,946 --> 00:18:20,681 Once there, I shall lie low and assume odd jobs 381 00:18:20,748 --> 00:18:22,549 under the name Mr. pilkington. 382 00:18:22,617 --> 00:18:25,085 But perhaps I've said too much. 383 00:18:25,152 --> 00:18:26,486 [Puffing] 384 00:18:26,554 --> 00:18:29,056 [Snoring] 385 00:18:30,224 --> 00:18:32,425 [Coughing] 386 00:18:32,493 --> 00:18:34,327 Look! The ratings are going up! 387 00:18:34,395 --> 00:18:36,096 [Burping] 388 00:18:36,163 --> 00:18:38,632 Now they're going down. Way down. 389 00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:40,734 I haven't seen ratings this low since they cancelled 390 00:18:40,802 --> 00:18:42,102 Herman's prostate. 391 00:18:47,208 --> 00:18:48,408 [Sizzling] 392 00:18:48,476 --> 00:18:50,343 All right. Trial 485. 393 00:18:50,411 --> 00:18:54,748 I've mixed 237 phenol hydrochloride, stronchium benzoate 394 00:18:54,816 --> 00:18:55,749 and snapple. 395 00:19:00,755 --> 00:19:02,288 Uh, it's hopeless. 396 00:19:02,356 --> 00:19:03,991 [Sneezing] 397 00:19:14,568 --> 00:19:16,536 I did it! Oh, I'm a doc! 398 00:19:16,604 --> 00:19:18,538 A happy, sneezy doc! 399 00:19:18,606 --> 00:19:19,606 [Yawns] 400 00:19:19,674 --> 00:19:20,707 Whoo. 401 00:19:20,775 --> 00:19:23,510 I'm a sleepy, happy, sneezy doc. 402 00:19:23,577 --> 00:19:25,779 If I don't get to bed, I'll be a grumpy, 403 00:19:25,847 --> 00:19:27,881 dopey, sleepy, happy, sneezy doc. 404 00:19:28,983 --> 00:19:30,250 Bashful. 405 00:19:32,086 --> 00:19:34,655 Normal, normal, normal. 406 00:19:34,722 --> 00:19:37,691 I can't believe it, but thanks to this serum, you're cured. 407 00:19:37,759 --> 00:19:40,160 Mr. Phillips, you are going to live to be 100, 408 00:19:40,227 --> 00:19:41,494 just like your father, here. 409 00:19:41,562 --> 00:19:42,729 I'm not 100. 410 00:19:42,797 --> 00:19:44,965 Settle down there, dad. 411 00:19:45,033 --> 00:19:46,633 ♪[Music playing] 412 00:19:47,368 --> 00:19:48,468 [Cork popping] 413 00:19:50,371 --> 00:19:53,874 Wow! Duke spared no expense on the entertainment. 414 00:19:53,941 --> 00:19:56,543 Well, on behalf of the other presidents, 415 00:19:56,610 --> 00:20:00,113 I'd like to dedicate this song to the man we call 416 00:20:00,181 --> 00:20:01,114 "the boss." 417 00:20:02,383 --> 00:20:04,084 Take it away, Jimmy. 418 00:20:04,152 --> 00:20:07,120 ♪ Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke is well ♪ 419 00:20:07,188 --> 00:20:08,354 ♪ well, well 420 00:20:08,422 --> 00:20:09,422 ♪ he's swell 421 00:20:09,490 --> 00:20:10,657 ♪ swell, swell 422 00:20:10,725 --> 00:20:11,825 ♪ not in hell 423 00:20:11,893 --> 00:20:13,160 ♪ hell, hell 424 00:20:13,227 --> 00:20:14,828 ♪ I'm glad 425 00:20:14,896 --> 00:20:16,930 ♪ Duke has his health 426 00:20:16,998 --> 00:20:18,799 ♪ so I can tax 427 00:20:18,866 --> 00:20:20,801 ♪ his awesome wealth 428 00:20:24,338 --> 00:20:27,574 attention, boys and girls, this is Jay's oil. 429 00:20:27,641 --> 00:20:30,911 One week ago, I was looking at a death sentence, 430 00:20:30,978 --> 00:20:34,681 now all I have to do is inject 8 little ounces of this 431 00:20:34,749 --> 00:20:37,483 into my eyeball every 4 hours. 432 00:20:37,551 --> 00:20:39,152 [All applauding] 433 00:20:39,220 --> 00:20:42,488 Jay, stand up, son. You gave me my life back, 434 00:20:42,556 --> 00:20:44,157 and now I'm gonna give you something. 435 00:20:44,225 --> 00:20:45,225 What? 436 00:20:45,292 --> 00:20:47,260 Anything you want. I'll be your genie. 437 00:20:47,328 --> 00:20:48,628 Now, make a wish. 438 00:20:48,696 --> 00:20:49,763 [All murmuring] 439 00:20:49,831 --> 00:20:51,264 Anything? 440 00:20:51,332 --> 00:20:52,532 Oh, my God! 441 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:54,534 I don't want to sleep with you! 442 00:20:54,602 --> 00:20:57,204 No, that's ok. A deal's a deal. 443 00:20:57,271 --> 00:20:58,905 You go hog-wild. 444 00:20:58,973 --> 00:21:01,742 Listen. I want you to destroy your phillipsvision machine. 445 00:21:01,809 --> 00:21:04,277 I want you to leave those films the way they are. 446 00:21:04,345 --> 00:21:06,046 But, Jay, come on, man. 447 00:21:06,114 --> 00:21:08,548 I don't want rhett coming back to Scarlett. 448 00:21:08,616 --> 00:21:10,617 I don't want the guy from my left foot to become 449 00:21:10,684 --> 00:21:12,285 a punter for the bears. 450 00:21:12,353 --> 00:21:14,354 I want Debra winger, Ali McGraw, 451 00:21:14,421 --> 00:21:16,556 and Bambi's mother to die. 452 00:21:16,624 --> 00:21:18,091 All right, Jay, you got it. 453 00:21:18,159 --> 00:21:20,326 Because you didn't just save me, 454 00:21:20,394 --> 00:21:23,630 you saved everyone with Duke Phillips disease. 455 00:21:23,697 --> 00:21:24,998 [Static buzzing] 456 00:21:25,066 --> 00:21:28,401 I'm Jim Bob huggins and I was cured by Jay's oil. 457 00:21:28,469 --> 00:21:30,771 I'm Lars schoenberg and I just clubbed 458 00:21:30,838 --> 00:21:34,274 my 1,000th baby seal thanks to Jay's oil. 459 00:21:34,341 --> 00:21:36,777 Hi, I'm a drunken tanker captain. 460 00:21:36,844 --> 00:21:39,012 I wouldn't be able to spill my oil 461 00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:41,414 without Jay's oil. 462 00:21:41,482 --> 00:21:43,516 Your streets will run red with blood 463 00:21:43,584 --> 00:21:45,118 thanks to Jay's oil. 464 00:21:45,186 --> 00:21:46,987 Sherman uber alles! 465 00:21:47,054 --> 00:21:48,121 We love you, Jay. 466 00:21:48,189 --> 00:21:49,289 We love you, man. 467 00:21:49,356 --> 00:21:50,390 Yeah. 468 00:21:59,450 --> 00:22:00,584 [Munching] 469 00:22:03,954 --> 00:22:05,255 [Slurping] 470 00:22:40,090 --> 00:22:42,058 (Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated. 471 00:22:42,126 --> 00:22:44,894 No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode. 472 00:22:48,165 --> 00:22:50,434 Uh, excuse me, sir, the show's over. 473 00:22:50,501 --> 00:22:52,736 Is the snack bar still open? 474 00:22:54,972 --> 00:22:56,105 [Chattering] 475 00:22:56,173 --> 00:22:57,106 Shh!