1 00:00:20,636 --> 00:00:22,304 [Telephone ringing] 2 00:00:23,272 --> 00:00:24,372 Hello? 3 00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:26,308 (Al Pacino) Hoo-ha! Jay, it's Al Pacino. 4 00:00:26,375 --> 00:00:27,675 Hoo-ha! 5 00:00:27,743 --> 00:00:29,911 I can't stop saying "hoo-ha!" 6 00:00:29,979 --> 00:00:32,414 Keep that in mind when you review my next film, 7 00:00:32,482 --> 00:00:34,716 the godfather part hoo-ha. 8 00:00:34,783 --> 00:00:35,717 Hoo-ha. 9 00:00:55,471 --> 00:00:56,505 [Ice cracking] 10 00:00:56,572 --> 00:00:58,173 [All screaming] 11 00:00:58,241 --> 00:00:59,674 [All groaning] 12 00:01:09,418 --> 00:01:10,685 It stinks! 13 00:01:12,788 --> 00:01:13,855 [Clicks] 14 00:01:22,848 --> 00:01:24,766 Our last film features Anthony Hopkins 15 00:01:24,833 --> 00:01:26,334 and Jodie foster 16 00:01:26,402 --> 00:01:28,803 reprising their roles from silence of the lambs 17 00:01:28,871 --> 00:01:30,805 in honey, I ate the kids. 18 00:01:33,376 --> 00:01:36,110 Sweetheart, have you seen Timmy, Becky, and Alex? 19 00:01:36,179 --> 00:01:38,213 I haven't seen them since lunch. 20 00:01:38,281 --> 00:01:41,483 We had fava beans and a nice chianti. 21 00:01:41,551 --> 00:01:42,984 Did you eat the kids again? 22 00:01:43,052 --> 00:01:45,253 Clarice, you don't look so well. 23 00:01:45,321 --> 00:01:47,556 Let me take your temperature. 24 00:01:47,623 --> 00:01:48,823 That's a meat thermometer. 25 00:01:48,891 --> 00:01:50,392 So it is, Clarice. 26 00:01:50,459 --> 00:01:52,194 [Slurping] 27 00:01:52,261 --> 00:01:53,695 This movie is awful, 28 00:01:53,762 --> 00:01:55,863 and so is its inappropriate commercial tie-in 29 00:01:55,931 --> 00:01:57,465 with taco hut. 30 00:01:57,533 --> 00:01:59,734 That's all for now. Don't miss next week's show: 31 00:01:59,802 --> 00:02:02,537 Child stars I've accidentally sat on. 32 00:02:02,605 --> 00:02:04,839 Good night. 33 00:02:04,907 --> 00:02:06,974 Listen, spanky, we need to talk. 34 00:02:07,042 --> 00:02:09,611 Oh, can it wait? I'm late for my son's field day at school. 35 00:02:09,679 --> 00:02:11,012 It's your ratings. 36 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:13,815 Take a gander at what's winning your time slot. 37 00:02:13,882 --> 00:02:16,284 [Clanking] 38 00:02:18,254 --> 00:02:19,787 People watch this? 39 00:02:19,855 --> 00:02:21,323 They don't just watch it. 40 00:02:21,390 --> 00:02:23,091 They send it money. 41 00:02:29,898 --> 00:02:32,767 (Mangosuthu) Hello, this is principal mangosuthu. 44 00:02:37,806 --> 00:02:39,608 including easter island. 45 00:02:42,044 --> 00:02:43,378 Dad! You made it! 46 00:02:43,446 --> 00:02:45,614 Hey, I wouldn't miss it for the world, son. 47 00:02:45,681 --> 00:02:48,116 You know, this reminds me of my own field day. 48 00:02:50,853 --> 00:02:53,788 (Coach) All right, girls. Time for the 100-yard dash. 49 00:02:53,856 --> 00:02:56,391 The loser has to kiss Jay. 50 00:02:56,459 --> 00:02:58,627 I've been practicing on my dog. 51 00:02:59,962 --> 00:03:01,028 [All screaming] 52 00:03:01,096 --> 00:03:02,664 Those girls later became 53 00:03:02,732 --> 00:03:05,099 the gay women's olympic relay team. 54 00:03:07,136 --> 00:03:09,671 Ardeth! How's my favorite ex-wife? 55 00:03:09,739 --> 00:03:11,973 The judge said every time you talk to me 56 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:14,041 it costs you $100. 57 00:03:14,109 --> 00:03:15,610 Fine. Here's $200. 58 00:03:15,678 --> 00:03:17,379 Get bent. 59 00:03:17,446 --> 00:03:20,114 (Mangosuthu) And now an exhibition of paquito ball, 60 00:03:20,182 --> 00:03:22,517 the national sport of San montalban. 61 00:03:22,585 --> 00:03:24,952 [All grunting] 62 00:03:25,020 --> 00:03:27,155 Isn't this kind of a silly game? 63 00:03:27,222 --> 00:03:29,391 The ball won't fit through the goal! 64 00:03:29,458 --> 00:03:30,425 That is ok. 65 00:03:30,493 --> 00:03:32,026 Our island is just a haven 66 00:03:32,094 --> 00:03:34,128 for a reclusive American actor. 67 00:03:34,196 --> 00:03:35,630 (Marlon Brando) Push, boys. Push! 68 00:03:35,698 --> 00:03:36,964 [All grunting] 69 00:03:37,032 --> 00:03:38,300 [Grunting] 70 00:03:38,901 --> 00:03:40,402 Whoa! 71 00:03:42,705 --> 00:03:45,740 Your son has trouble, eh, Mr. sherman? 72 00:03:45,808 --> 00:03:47,375 Vlada! What are you doing here? 73 00:03:47,443 --> 00:03:50,679 My boy, zoltan, also attends this school. 74 00:03:50,746 --> 00:03:52,580 Hello, Mr. sherman. 75 00:03:52,648 --> 00:03:55,450 Thanks to your appetite, we bought a yacht. 76 00:03:57,787 --> 00:03:59,187 (Mangosuthu) Now in the shot put, 77 00:03:59,254 --> 00:04:02,957 Marty sherman versus Bulgaria's Olga testosterov. 78 00:04:06,028 --> 00:04:07,929 [Grunting] 79 00:04:09,097 --> 00:04:10,365 [Groaning] 80 00:04:12,668 --> 00:04:13,768 (Jay) Hey, Olga, 81 00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:15,970 your mother called. She said, "moo!" 82 00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:17,806 [Grunts] 83 00:04:20,092 --> 00:04:21,209 Oh! 84 00:04:21,276 --> 00:04:22,944 Skull...Cracked, 85 00:04:23,011 --> 00:04:25,012 brains...Leaking out, 86 00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:27,749 can't wait to see new Chevy chase movie. 87 00:04:30,586 --> 00:04:33,054 Our next event is the long jump. 88 00:04:33,121 --> 00:04:34,322 [Grunting] 89 00:04:40,863 --> 00:04:43,598 I'm afraid you've actually gone back a few feet. 90 00:04:43,666 --> 00:04:45,967 You would have been better off just standing there! 91 00:04:46,034 --> 00:04:47,101 [Laughing] 92 00:04:48,237 --> 00:04:49,136 [Whining] 93 00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:53,641 I'm the only one without a medal. 94 00:04:53,709 --> 00:04:54,942 Don't feel bad, son. 95 00:04:55,010 --> 00:04:56,411 I never won anything, either. 96 00:04:56,479 --> 00:04:58,580 Oh, yeah? Didn't you win biggest breasts 97 00:04:58,647 --> 00:05:00,749 in that wet t-shirt contest? 98 00:05:00,816 --> 00:05:02,717 Yes, and I'm still a hero 99 00:05:02,785 --> 00:05:04,853 to the boys of the u. S.S. Nimitz. 100 00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:06,320 [Microphone screeching] 101 00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:08,823 This concludes the u.N. School field day. 102 00:05:08,891 --> 00:05:10,224 Like the real u.N., 103 00:05:10,292 --> 00:05:11,526 there was a lot of heated gibberish, 104 00:05:11,594 --> 00:05:12,894 but nothing was accomplished, 105 00:05:12,961 --> 00:05:14,829 and we send the bill to Uncle Sam. 106 00:05:14,897 --> 00:05:16,297 [Laughing] 107 00:05:17,833 --> 00:05:20,468 And now, this year's booby prize goes, 108 00:05:20,536 --> 00:05:22,169 with a massive dose of pity, 109 00:05:22,237 --> 00:05:23,705 to Martin sherman. 110 00:05:23,773 --> 00:05:25,339 [All laughing] 111 00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:26,574 [Sniffling] 112 00:05:30,946 --> 00:05:32,380 Come on, son. 113 00:05:41,023 --> 00:05:42,990 I'm no good at anything, dad, 114 00:05:43,058 --> 00:05:45,059 and field day just proved it. 115 00:05:45,127 --> 00:05:47,462 Son, I've had more than my share of failures, 116 00:05:47,530 --> 00:05:49,831 but I've learned to just forget about them and move on. 117 00:05:49,899 --> 00:05:52,400 For example, I've completely erased puberty, 118 00:05:52,468 --> 00:05:54,569 the agony of my first public shower, 119 00:05:54,637 --> 00:05:56,438 and my apocalyptic honeymoon night. 120 00:05:56,505 --> 00:05:58,239 [Chuckling] 121 00:05:58,307 --> 00:05:59,574 [Screaming] 122 00:05:59,642 --> 00:06:00,775 It's coming back! 123 00:06:01,343 --> 00:06:02,911 [Groaning] 124 00:06:04,346 --> 00:06:06,147 Ooh! A waterbed! 125 00:06:09,217 --> 00:06:10,852 [Glass shattering] 126 00:06:15,090 --> 00:06:17,224 Was it as good for you, baby? 127 00:06:19,562 --> 00:06:21,763 Look, dad, thanks for trying to help, 128 00:06:21,831 --> 00:06:23,898 but I'm a loser, and that's it. 129 00:06:23,966 --> 00:06:25,199 So, you're not good at sports, 130 00:06:25,267 --> 00:06:27,268 we'll just have to find out what you are good at. 131 00:06:27,336 --> 00:06:29,236 In my case, it's complaining about movies 132 00:06:29,304 --> 00:06:31,405 that bring happiness to idiots. 133 00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:34,075 And in my case, it's writing books, songs, 134 00:06:34,142 --> 00:06:35,910 playing the piano, hosting t.V. Shows... 135 00:06:35,978 --> 00:06:37,411 Steve Allen! 136 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:40,247 Designing office furniture, mediating border disputes, 137 00:06:40,315 --> 00:06:41,716 playing bass for metallica, 138 00:06:41,784 --> 00:06:43,551 and communicating with porpoises. 139 00:06:43,619 --> 00:06:44,953 Your dad's right, Marty. 140 00:06:45,020 --> 00:06:46,688 You can read all about it in my book, 141 00:06:46,755 --> 00:06:48,690 Steve Allen's advice to Marty. 142 00:06:48,757 --> 00:06:50,091 Thanks, Mr. Allen, but... 143 00:06:50,158 --> 00:06:51,893 no time, Marty, my shift's over, 144 00:06:51,961 --> 00:06:53,828 and I feel an operetta coming on. 145 00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:56,798 Coming up next, 146 00:06:56,866 --> 00:06:59,133 I'll be reviewing Disney's biggest dud to date, 147 00:06:59,201 --> 00:07:00,969 the maggot king. 148 00:07:01,036 --> 00:07:02,303 (Director) And cut! 149 00:07:02,371 --> 00:07:03,671 Listen here, huggy bear, 150 00:07:03,739 --> 00:07:05,439 you seen this week's them magazine? 151 00:07:06,475 --> 00:07:07,609 Wow! 152 00:07:07,676 --> 00:07:10,378 George. S. Kaufman, eat your moss hart out! 153 00:07:10,445 --> 00:07:12,413 [All laughing] 154 00:07:13,348 --> 00:07:14,382 Did you understand that? 155 00:07:14,449 --> 00:07:16,350 No, but his fly's open. 156 00:07:16,418 --> 00:07:17,719 [Laughing] 157 00:07:20,088 --> 00:07:21,355 Well, we're back, and... 158 00:07:21,423 --> 00:07:24,492 folks, this magazine says Jay's the wittiest man alive, 159 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:26,093 so I'll tell you what I'm gonna do: 160 00:07:26,161 --> 00:07:27,562 Watch Jay for a month, 161 00:07:27,630 --> 00:07:30,565 you don't laugh, i pay you $100. 162 00:07:30,633 --> 00:07:32,333 Get crackin', wit boy! 163 00:07:32,401 --> 00:07:33,735 Uh... 164 00:07:33,802 --> 00:07:35,403 Uh... 165 00:07:35,470 --> 00:07:37,271 Somebody pull my finger. 166 00:07:41,376 --> 00:07:43,177 This doctor's done wonders for me, Marty. 167 00:07:43,245 --> 00:07:44,846 Maybe he can cheer you up. 168 00:07:44,914 --> 00:07:46,614 So what you're saying, Marty, 169 00:07:46,682 --> 00:07:49,417 is Jay's advice only saddens you more? 170 00:07:49,484 --> 00:07:50,919 I know he means well, 171 00:07:50,986 --> 00:07:53,521 but dad won't admit I have any problems at all. 172 00:07:53,589 --> 00:07:55,790 I'm just afraid I'm going to fail as a father 173 00:07:55,858 --> 00:07:58,125 just like I did as a husband, and a son, 174 00:07:58,193 --> 00:08:01,295 and a Navy seal, and an American gladiator. 175 00:08:01,363 --> 00:08:03,665 You sound like you need a vacation. 176 00:08:03,732 --> 00:08:07,334 May I suggest a Russian pacific seaport, 11 letters? 177 00:08:07,402 --> 00:08:08,536 Vladivostok? 178 00:08:08,604 --> 00:08:09,571 Thank you! 179 00:08:11,406 --> 00:08:12,406 Wait a minute, 180 00:08:12,474 --> 00:08:13,841 are you doing a crossword puzzle? 181 00:08:13,909 --> 00:08:16,410 Yes, I am. How do you feel about that? 182 00:08:16,478 --> 00:08:18,580 Irritated and outraged! 183 00:08:18,647 --> 00:08:20,782 Thank you and thank you again! 184 00:08:25,020 --> 00:08:27,521 (Duke) All right. No one's laughin' at you. 185 00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:29,190 We still have 2 weeks 186 00:08:29,257 --> 00:08:32,426 before I owe everybody in America $100. 187 00:08:32,494 --> 00:08:34,796 Son, I want you to go on the air with this. 188 00:08:34,863 --> 00:08:36,064 (Voice) Shove it! Shove it! 189 00:08:36,131 --> 00:08:37,765 Kiss off! Kiss off! 190 00:08:37,833 --> 00:08:38,900 You smell! 191 00:08:38,968 --> 00:08:40,001 [Chuckling] 192 00:08:40,069 --> 00:08:43,337 "You smell"? I never see it comin'. 193 00:08:43,405 --> 00:08:45,607 I'm not goin' on the air with that thing! 194 00:08:45,674 --> 00:08:47,842 All right. I'll give the box its own sitcom. 195 00:08:47,910 --> 00:08:51,412 It's called shove it! Kiss off! You smell! 196 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:54,682 But we've still got to find some way to make you funny. 197 00:08:56,318 --> 00:08:58,019 Welcome to coming attractions. 198 00:08:58,087 --> 00:08:59,687 I'm kareem Abdul-jabbar, 199 00:08:59,755 --> 00:09:01,522 and this is little knothead. 200 00:09:01,590 --> 00:09:03,157 This is so demeaning. 201 00:09:03,225 --> 00:09:05,359 I have a phd in film! 202 00:09:05,427 --> 00:09:06,961 Ok, Dr. knothead, 203 00:09:07,029 --> 00:09:08,062 why don't you sing 204 00:09:08,130 --> 00:09:09,764 John Jacob jingleheimer schmidt 205 00:09:09,832 --> 00:09:11,699 while I drink a glass of water? 206 00:09:11,767 --> 00:09:13,367 ♪ John Jacob 207 00:09:13,435 --> 00:09:15,069 ♪ jingleheimer schmidt 208 00:09:15,137 --> 00:09:17,304 ♪ that's my name, too 209 00:09:17,372 --> 00:09:18,840 I spit in the water. 210 00:09:18,907 --> 00:09:20,141 Knothead! 211 00:09:20,208 --> 00:09:22,844 Didn't we used to have a knothead doll? 212 00:09:22,911 --> 00:09:24,879 That was our son. 213 00:09:24,947 --> 00:09:26,280 [Both choking] 214 00:09:27,783 --> 00:09:30,584 Son, this judo class will give you self-confidence 215 00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:32,319 and make you physically fit. 216 00:09:32,387 --> 00:09:34,488 And besides, for every class you take, 217 00:09:34,556 --> 00:09:37,458 I get a free cookie puss ice cream cake! 218 00:09:37,526 --> 00:09:39,593 Judo teaches us size is nothing 219 00:09:39,662 --> 00:09:40,995 next to cunning. 220 00:09:41,063 --> 00:09:42,263 All right! 221 00:09:42,330 --> 00:09:43,765 Ah, Marty. 222 00:09:43,832 --> 00:09:45,299 Your opponent will be 223 00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:47,769 satoshi, the eater of souls. 224 00:09:51,940 --> 00:09:53,307 Who has disturbed 225 00:09:53,375 --> 00:09:55,877 my 1,000-year sleep? 226 00:09:55,944 --> 00:09:57,344 [Screams] 227 00:09:57,412 --> 00:09:58,913 I want to go home. 228 00:10:00,482 --> 00:10:01,849 Cookie puss, 229 00:10:01,917 --> 00:10:04,652 I will eat your soul! 230 00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,120 [Laughing] 231 00:10:11,827 --> 00:10:12,827 [Sighs] 232 00:10:12,895 --> 00:10:13,895 Son, I've got it. 233 00:10:13,962 --> 00:10:16,263 We'll buy new clothes and change our images. 234 00:10:22,437 --> 00:10:24,872 ♪ I'm too tubby for my shirt ♪ 235 00:10:24,940 --> 00:10:26,874 ♪ too paunchy for my shirt ♪ 236 00:10:26,942 --> 00:10:29,010 ♪ so bloated it hurts 237 00:10:30,012 --> 00:10:32,880 ♪ and I can't zip up my slacks ♪ 238 00:10:32,948 --> 00:10:34,716 ♪ the zipper's off its tracks ♪ 239 00:10:34,783 --> 00:10:37,719 ♪ I've stretched it to the Max ♪ 240 00:10:37,786 --> 00:10:38,786 ow! 241 00:10:39,888 --> 00:10:41,055 [Sighs] 242 00:10:48,530 --> 00:10:49,630 [Chuckling] 243 00:10:49,698 --> 00:10:51,498 Hey, dad, look at this! 244 00:10:53,135 --> 00:10:54,301 Ew, gross! 245 00:10:54,369 --> 00:10:56,137 Look at his stomach! 246 00:10:56,205 --> 00:10:58,505 Let us flee to hohokus and weehawken: 247 00:10:58,573 --> 00:11:00,908 The twin jewels in Jersey's crown. 248 00:11:00,976 --> 00:11:02,543 What did you want to show me, son? 249 00:11:02,611 --> 00:11:03,544 Nothin'. 250 00:11:17,092 --> 00:11:18,893 Look, Marty, this mall has so many stores. 251 00:11:18,961 --> 00:11:21,428 There must be something here to cheer you up. 252 00:11:26,101 --> 00:11:27,268 [Sighs] 253 00:11:28,737 --> 00:11:30,838 ♪[Guitar playing] 254 00:11:30,906 --> 00:11:33,107 [Gravelly voice] ♪ big girls 255 00:11:33,175 --> 00:11:34,541 ♪ don't cry 256 00:11:34,609 --> 00:11:36,410 ♪ big girls 257 00:11:36,478 --> 00:11:38,179 ♪ don't cry 258 00:11:38,247 --> 00:11:40,081 ♪ ay-ay-ay 259 00:11:40,149 --> 00:11:43,284 ♪ they don't cry 260 00:11:43,351 --> 00:11:45,419 how about a guitar, Marty? Would you like that? 261 00:11:45,487 --> 00:11:47,021 I don't know, dad. 262 00:11:47,089 --> 00:11:48,189 It's perfect. 263 00:11:48,257 --> 00:11:50,124 Musicians don't have to be handsome, 264 00:11:50,192 --> 00:11:51,859 and do they get beautiful women? 265 00:11:51,927 --> 00:11:54,162 Let me just say 2 words to you: 266 00:11:54,229 --> 00:11:55,496 Lyle lovett. 267 00:11:55,563 --> 00:11:56,931 I thought he was handsome. 268 00:11:56,999 --> 00:11:59,433 No, you're thinking of jon lovitz, and I agree. 269 00:11:59,501 --> 00:12:01,102 With his sephardic good looks, 270 00:12:01,170 --> 00:12:02,837 he takes the cake. 271 00:12:02,905 --> 00:12:04,471 [Growling cat call] 272 00:12:05,274 --> 00:12:06,640 ♪[Playing] 273 00:12:09,311 --> 00:12:11,946 (Man) Knock off that racket or I'll call the cops! 274 00:12:12,014 --> 00:12:14,282 His teacher says he's supposed to practice. 275 00:12:14,349 --> 00:12:16,050 I am his teacher! 276 00:12:17,186 --> 00:12:19,120 Millions of unamused viewers 277 00:12:19,188 --> 00:12:22,056 are demanding that Duke Phillips pay them $100 278 00:12:22,124 --> 00:12:24,926 in what's become known as "the jayola scandal." 279 00:12:24,993 --> 00:12:26,393 I'm sorry. 280 00:12:26,461 --> 00:12:28,830 I just don't find Mr. sherman's antics amusing. 281 00:12:28,897 --> 00:12:30,597 And this Jay sherman roach spray 282 00:12:30,665 --> 00:12:33,567 just makes the roaches look like Jay sherman. 283 00:12:33,635 --> 00:12:36,403 [Coughing] 284 00:12:38,506 --> 00:12:39,807 He's not funny, 285 00:12:39,875 --> 00:12:41,642 but, uh, what he does for those sick kids 286 00:12:41,710 --> 00:12:43,077 is God's work. 287 00:12:43,145 --> 00:12:44,946 You're thinking of Jerry Lewis. 288 00:12:45,013 --> 00:12:46,981 Who are you, the amazing kresge? 289 00:12:47,049 --> 00:12:47,982 Uh, Kreskin. 290 00:12:48,050 --> 00:12:50,017 Oh, boy, you're good. 291 00:12:50,085 --> 00:12:52,419 So unscrupulous media giant Duke Phillips 292 00:12:52,487 --> 00:12:55,456 now owes the public hundreds of millions of dollars. 293 00:12:55,523 --> 00:12:57,558 Perhaps this will finally excise 294 00:12:57,625 --> 00:12:59,727 this cancerous tumor, Duke Phillips, 295 00:12:59,794 --> 00:13:01,329 from the American media scene. 296 00:13:01,396 --> 00:13:03,130 Jack Peters, Phillips network news. 297 00:13:03,198 --> 00:13:05,566 Hey, idiot! You're fired! 298 00:13:05,633 --> 00:13:08,069 I'm off like a prom dress. 299 00:13:08,136 --> 00:13:11,372 Mr. Phillips, I'm handling all 3 million prize claims 300 00:13:11,439 --> 00:13:13,207 in one class action suit. 301 00:13:13,275 --> 00:13:15,743 Pull up a hot poker and sit down. 302 00:13:15,810 --> 00:13:17,544 You're refusing to pay the prize money 303 00:13:17,612 --> 00:13:18,645 you publicly offered. 304 00:13:18,713 --> 00:13:20,882 Isn't that just a tad disingenuous? 305 00:13:20,949 --> 00:13:23,351 I don't believe you've met my lawyer. 306 00:13:23,418 --> 00:13:26,354 Tad disingenuous, attorney-at-law. 307 00:13:26,421 --> 00:13:28,155 Perhaps you'd like to see all the people 308 00:13:28,223 --> 00:13:29,490 who are filing a claim. 309 00:13:29,557 --> 00:13:31,025 (People) Sherman sucks! 310 00:13:31,093 --> 00:13:32,526 Where's our bucks? 311 00:13:32,594 --> 00:13:34,061 Sherman sucks! 312 00:13:34,129 --> 00:13:36,197 Where's our bucks? 313 00:13:36,265 --> 00:13:38,832 Mom? Dad? I never made you laugh? 314 00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:40,801 Well, I did chuckle a bit 315 00:13:40,869 --> 00:13:42,870 when you tried to eat that bird 316 00:13:42,938 --> 00:13:44,372 and fell over the cliff. 317 00:13:44,439 --> 00:13:47,841 No, Franklin, that was the road runner. 318 00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:50,311 No, that was me. 319 00:13:50,379 --> 00:13:52,179 ♪[Playing off-key] 320 00:13:55,250 --> 00:13:58,185 It had to be a guitar, didn't it, Jay? 321 00:13:58,253 --> 00:14:00,654 It couldn't be painting or macrame. 322 00:14:00,722 --> 00:14:04,292 Look, not everybody shares my love of the knotted art. 323 00:14:04,359 --> 00:14:06,860 Besides, Marty's happy playing the guitar. 324 00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:08,796 Hey, dad, I'm going to play my guitar 325 00:14:08,863 --> 00:14:10,298 in the school talent show. 326 00:14:10,365 --> 00:14:12,466 Nobody's gonna laugh at me this time. 327 00:14:12,534 --> 00:14:15,069 ♪[Playing off-key] 328 00:14:15,137 --> 00:14:18,005 Oh, my God! What have I done? 329 00:14:18,073 --> 00:14:21,409 You're just as bad a father as you were a lover. 330 00:14:21,476 --> 00:14:24,511 Now it's time for the legendary sherman wit 331 00:14:24,579 --> 00:14:26,414 to tear her to ribbons. 332 00:14:27,749 --> 00:14:29,216 Please like me. 333 00:14:33,355 --> 00:14:35,289 We're here at Manhattan county courthouse 334 00:14:35,357 --> 00:14:38,525 for the case of the unfunniest man on television. 335 00:14:38,593 --> 00:14:41,329 No, not Richard Lewis, but that's a good guess. 336 00:14:41,396 --> 00:14:43,431 We're talking about Jay sherman. 337 00:14:43,498 --> 00:14:44,798 Didn't I fire you, son? 338 00:14:44,866 --> 00:14:45,833 Yes, sir. 339 00:14:45,900 --> 00:14:47,101 Who you workin' for now? 340 00:14:47,169 --> 00:14:48,436 Nobody. 341 00:14:48,503 --> 00:14:50,037 [Car horn honking] 342 00:14:50,105 --> 00:14:51,205 Ahem. 343 00:14:51,273 --> 00:14:53,507 Due to the huge number of plaintiffs in this case, 344 00:14:53,575 --> 00:14:55,142 I've decided to house the overflow 345 00:14:55,210 --> 00:14:57,644 in the fabulous meadowlands sports complex 346 00:14:57,712 --> 00:14:59,613 in secaucus, New Jersey. 347 00:14:59,681 --> 00:15:01,415 ♪[Tune of take me out to the ballgame] 348 00:15:01,483 --> 00:15:03,717 ♪ We're all suing Jay sherman ♪ 349 00:15:03,785 --> 00:15:07,488 ♪ we want damages, too 350 00:15:07,555 --> 00:15:11,925 ♪ we're going to take him for every nickel ♪ 351 00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:15,662 ♪ you're the reason that we're in this pickle ♪ 352 00:15:15,730 --> 00:15:16,897 shut up. 353 00:15:18,133 --> 00:15:21,102 Why, hello, judge. Didn't I appoint you? 354 00:15:21,169 --> 00:15:23,104 No, you appointed Mr. potato head, 355 00:15:23,171 --> 00:15:24,738 but the voters recalled him. 356 00:15:24,806 --> 00:15:27,441 Your honor, I was hypnotized. 357 00:15:28,710 --> 00:15:30,978 Did you offer to pay $100 358 00:15:31,046 --> 00:15:33,214 to whomever didn't laugh at Jay sherman? 359 00:15:33,281 --> 00:15:34,915 You don't have to answer that question. 360 00:15:34,983 --> 00:15:36,017 I'll answer the question. 361 00:15:36,084 --> 00:15:37,184 Don't answer that question. 362 00:15:37,252 --> 00:15:39,353 Damn it, I'm going to answer the question. 363 00:15:39,421 --> 00:15:42,390 Yes, I sold the mustard gas to gaddafi. 364 00:15:42,457 --> 00:15:44,425 Sir, this is the Jay sherman trial. 365 00:15:44,493 --> 00:15:46,293 I mean... 366 00:15:46,361 --> 00:15:50,398 Old mustard gives me gas, as does Taffy. 367 00:15:50,465 --> 00:15:53,067 I have the same trouble with fresh fruit. 368 00:15:53,135 --> 00:15:54,935 Mr. sherman, approach the bench. 369 00:15:55,003 --> 00:15:55,903 We're dead. 370 00:15:56,505 --> 00:15:57,471 Mr. sherman? 371 00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:00,674 [Fabric ripping] 372 00:16:00,742 --> 00:16:02,343 [All laughing] 373 00:16:02,411 --> 00:16:03,911 Were those your pants? 374 00:16:03,978 --> 00:16:06,380 Your honor, this trial has been such a strain. 375 00:16:06,448 --> 00:16:08,782 If you could just walk a mile in my pants. 376 00:16:08,850 --> 00:16:12,086 Mr. sherman, I could walk a mile inside your pants. 377 00:16:12,154 --> 00:16:13,154 That's it! 378 00:16:13,221 --> 00:16:15,089 I will not be ridiculed anymore. 379 00:16:17,092 --> 00:16:18,825 [All laughing] 380 00:16:21,729 --> 00:16:22,996 Well, Mr. sherman, 381 00:16:23,065 --> 00:16:25,066 it appears you do make people laugh. 382 00:16:25,133 --> 00:16:26,133 Case dismissed. 383 00:16:26,201 --> 00:16:27,634 Uh... 384 00:16:27,702 --> 00:16:29,970 [People chattering] 385 00:16:30,038 --> 00:16:32,306 Jay, your butt saved my butt. 386 00:16:32,374 --> 00:16:35,876 And I hope that's the only interaction they'll ever have. 387 00:16:40,682 --> 00:16:42,349 Are you sure you're prepared, Marty? 388 00:16:42,417 --> 00:16:45,486 Sure I am. I know yankee doodle by heart. 389 00:16:45,554 --> 00:16:47,455 ♪[Playing off-key] 390 00:16:47,522 --> 00:16:49,290 Uh. 391 00:16:49,357 --> 00:16:51,492 (Mangosuthu) All performers backstage, please. 392 00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:53,494 He's going to embarrass himself 393 00:16:53,562 --> 00:16:54,861 in front of his friends, 394 00:16:54,929 --> 00:16:56,863 and it's all your fault. 395 00:16:57,665 --> 00:17:00,167 [Squeaking] 396 00:17:00,735 --> 00:17:02,035 [Crashing] 397 00:17:02,904 --> 00:17:04,472 Good evening and welcome 398 00:17:04,539 --> 00:17:07,308 to the u.N. School's annual talent show. 399 00:17:07,375 --> 00:17:08,609 One brief announcement: 400 00:17:08,676 --> 00:17:10,111 All students from Chad, 401 00:17:10,178 --> 00:17:13,280 your country has just changed its name to Dr. def 402 00:17:13,348 --> 00:17:15,282 because the chicks seem to dig it. 403 00:17:15,350 --> 00:17:17,518 [Laughing] 404 00:17:17,586 --> 00:17:20,254 Now, first up is Iraqi impressionist, 405 00:17:20,322 --> 00:17:21,955 tariq El-gamal. 406 00:17:22,023 --> 00:17:23,857 [Audience applauding] 407 00:17:23,925 --> 00:17:25,993 Thank you. Hey, wouldn't it be funny 408 00:17:26,060 --> 00:17:29,730 if Tony Curtis spoke honestly about U.S. policy in the mideast? 409 00:17:29,797 --> 00:17:32,099 I think it might go something like this: 410 00:17:32,167 --> 00:17:35,002 [Imitates Tony curtis] What do you think? We're trying to take over. 411 00:17:35,069 --> 00:17:36,337 We're the great Satan. 412 00:17:36,404 --> 00:17:38,872 What do you think, Johnny Carson? 413 00:17:38,940 --> 00:17:41,108 [Imitates Johnny carson] Uh, may a constipated camel 414 00:17:41,176 --> 00:17:43,344 lay a ca-ca in your couscous. 415 00:17:43,411 --> 00:17:44,345 [Laughing] 416 00:17:44,412 --> 00:17:45,613 ♪[Drum roll] 417 00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:47,148 [All laughing] 418 00:17:48,750 --> 00:17:51,418 And now the boy who used to be a girl... 419 00:17:51,486 --> 00:17:53,787 oops! That used to be a secret, 420 00:17:53,855 --> 00:17:55,556 zoltan viromirovich! 421 00:17:56,858 --> 00:17:59,660 Hello, I would like to dance and sing 422 00:17:59,727 --> 00:18:02,429 my country's national anthem. 423 00:18:02,497 --> 00:18:06,900 ♪ Eepee teepee peepee poopee ♪ 424 00:18:06,968 --> 00:18:08,269 [laughing] 425 00:18:09,604 --> 00:18:10,971 You don't understand. 426 00:18:11,039 --> 00:18:12,706 He's singing of all the people 427 00:18:12,774 --> 00:18:17,077 who died in the earthquake, fire, and famine of 1805. 428 00:18:17,145 --> 00:18:18,646 [All muttering] 429 00:18:19,681 --> 00:18:24,552 ♪ Eepee teepee peepee poopee ♪ 430 00:18:24,619 --> 00:18:28,021 [laughing] 431 00:18:28,089 --> 00:18:31,392 [Off-key] ♪ stuck a feather in his cap... ♪ 432 00:18:31,459 --> 00:18:34,495 no pressure, Marty, but the pope and Nelson mandela 433 00:18:34,563 --> 00:18:37,964 are in the audience, and they came to party. 434 00:18:38,032 --> 00:18:39,300 [Groaning] 435 00:18:40,302 --> 00:18:42,436 We're down to just 2 more acts. 436 00:18:42,504 --> 00:18:44,037 First, from Mexico, 437 00:18:44,105 --> 00:18:47,608 the guitar stylings of senorita Andrea Hernandez. 438 00:18:47,676 --> 00:18:49,677 ♪[Playing flamenco music] 439 00:18:53,848 --> 00:18:55,616 ♪[Playing yankee doodle] 440 00:18:57,485 --> 00:19:00,421 Yankee doodle? Hotchie motchie! 441 00:19:00,488 --> 00:19:01,855 Well, so what? 442 00:19:01,923 --> 00:19:04,558 I can play it better than her. 443 00:19:04,626 --> 00:19:06,527 ♪[Playing metal guitar] 444 00:19:19,574 --> 00:19:21,308 [Audience applauding] 445 00:19:23,478 --> 00:19:27,481 And now, the boy who puts the "hog" in haagen dazs... 446 00:19:27,549 --> 00:19:28,749 [Laughing] 447 00:19:29,984 --> 00:19:31,885 Marty sherman. 448 00:19:31,953 --> 00:19:33,621 [Audience cheering] 449 00:19:36,625 --> 00:19:37,658 ♪[Playing] 450 00:19:37,726 --> 00:19:38,759 [Twanging] 451 00:19:38,826 --> 00:19:40,093 [All exclaiming] 452 00:19:41,129 --> 00:19:42,563 [Man coughing] 453 00:19:45,032 --> 00:19:48,435 This is the only other thing I know how to do. 454 00:19:48,503 --> 00:19:50,337 [Stomach rumbling] 455 00:19:54,041 --> 00:19:55,709 [All exclaiming] 456 00:19:55,777 --> 00:19:57,611 ♪[Percussions playing] 457 00:20:03,652 --> 00:20:05,719 ♪[Conga beat music playing] 458 00:20:10,158 --> 00:20:13,494 ♪[Guitar playing the streets of cairo] 459 00:20:14,562 --> 00:20:17,097 [Audience applauding] 460 00:20:17,165 --> 00:20:19,500 ♪[Sailor's hornpipe playing] 461 00:20:21,536 --> 00:20:23,671 [Audience laughing] 462 00:20:23,738 --> 00:20:24,938 [Puffing] 463 00:20:28,476 --> 00:20:31,278 You know, my butt can deal Blackjack, 464 00:20:31,346 --> 00:20:33,280 but this is Marty's night. 465 00:20:34,215 --> 00:20:35,949 ♪[Drum roll playing] 466 00:20:38,186 --> 00:20:40,688 ♪[Stars and stripes forever playing] 467 00:20:45,393 --> 00:20:46,960 [Audience cheering] 468 00:20:49,464 --> 00:20:50,964 [Grunts] 469 00:20:54,035 --> 00:20:55,469 [All cheering] 470 00:20:58,340 --> 00:21:00,441 We've raised a great kid. 471 00:21:00,508 --> 00:21:02,108 Care to try for two? 472 00:21:02,176 --> 00:21:05,111 See if you're still in the mood after I mace you. 473 00:21:05,179 --> 00:21:06,547 I always have been. 474 00:21:08,182 --> 00:21:09,916 ♪[Orchestra tuning up] 475 00:21:13,287 --> 00:21:15,055 (Marty) Before I begin my concert, 476 00:21:15,122 --> 00:21:17,057 i would like to honor my father. 477 00:21:17,124 --> 00:21:19,259 From him I learned not to give up, 478 00:21:19,327 --> 00:21:21,829 that you'll find you're the best at something. 479 00:21:21,896 --> 00:21:25,232 And today, I'm the world's greatest stomach virtuoso, 480 00:21:25,299 --> 00:21:27,133 and he's the world's fattest man. 481 00:21:29,804 --> 00:21:31,472 That's my boy. 482 00:21:31,539 --> 00:21:32,973 [Belching] 483 00:22:23,491 --> 00:22:25,158 (Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated. 484 00:22:25,226 --> 00:22:26,359 No celebrities were harmed 485 00:22:26,428 --> 00:22:28,194 in the filming of this episode. 486 00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:33,934 Excuse me, sir. The show's over. 487 00:22:34,001 --> 00:22:35,903 But I have nowhere to go. 488 00:22:37,371 --> 00:22:38,505 [Chattering] 489 00:22:38,573 --> 00:22:39,506 Shh!