1 00:00:20,586 --> 00:00:22,620 [Phone ringing] 2 00:00:23,256 --> 00:00:24,322 Hello? 3 00:00:24,390 --> 00:00:26,258 (Man) Hello, Jay. This is your doctor. 4 00:00:26,325 --> 00:00:28,026 We've been going over your x-rays 5 00:00:28,094 --> 00:00:31,229 and it seems you're made entirely of cheese. 6 00:00:51,951 --> 00:00:53,051 [Ice cracking] 7 00:00:53,118 --> 00:00:54,319 [All screaming] 8 00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:55,620 [All groaning] 9 00:01:02,661 --> 00:01:03,728 [Screams] 10 00:01:03,796 --> 00:01:04,963 [Water splashing] 11 00:01:05,698 --> 00:01:07,065 It stinks! 12 00:01:08,734 --> 00:01:09,667 [Clicks] 13 00:01:22,915 --> 00:01:26,718 Hello, tonight we'll see Jack Nicholson follow-up his film wolf 14 00:01:26,785 --> 00:01:29,921 with a not-so-thrilling tale of transformation, 15 00:01:29,989 --> 00:01:30,955 chicken. 16 00:01:32,291 --> 00:01:33,658 I'm warning you, 17 00:01:33,726 --> 00:01:36,194 a full moon does strange things to me. 18 00:01:36,929 --> 00:01:38,597 [Groaning] 19 00:01:39,565 --> 00:01:40,765 [Skin stretching] 20 00:01:40,833 --> 00:01:42,134 [Clucking] 21 00:01:45,404 --> 00:01:49,107 Cock-a-doodle-do, baby. Don't be scared. 22 00:01:49,175 --> 00:01:50,609 Scared of what? 23 00:01:50,676 --> 00:01:52,144 You're a big chicken. 24 00:01:52,211 --> 00:01:54,812 Just for that, I'm going to peck up your wall. 25 00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:56,148 Cluck, cluck. 26 00:01:56,715 --> 00:01:58,883 [Clucking] 27 00:01:58,951 --> 00:02:02,187 We'll also be looking at Sylvester Stallone in rocky 6, 28 00:02:02,255 --> 00:02:04,789 Texas chainsaw massacre 4. 29 00:02:04,857 --> 00:02:06,824 The audience seemed to enjoy this film, 30 00:02:06,892 --> 00:02:08,926 despite some nut in the back of the theater 31 00:02:08,994 --> 00:02:10,662 yelling, "cut off Stallone's head! 32 00:02:10,729 --> 00:02:12,464 Cut off Stallone's head!" 33 00:02:12,532 --> 00:02:14,366 All right, it was me. 34 00:02:14,433 --> 00:02:15,534 [Bell dinging] 35 00:02:15,601 --> 00:02:16,535 [Grunting] 36 00:02:17,570 --> 00:02:19,337 [Shouting] 37 00:02:19,405 --> 00:02:20,405 Feh! 38 00:02:20,473 --> 00:02:22,073 Jay, I hate to interrupt your show. 39 00:02:22,141 --> 00:02:24,709 Run that footage of me with the pope again! 40 00:02:24,777 --> 00:02:26,878 Hey, John Paul, where's George Ringo? 41 00:02:26,945 --> 00:02:28,146 [Chuckles] 44 00:02:35,087 --> 00:02:36,688 I'd appreciate your endorsing 45 00:02:36,755 --> 00:02:38,756 one of their fine products on the air. 46 00:02:38,824 --> 00:02:40,925 Savvy Indian chewing tobacco? 47 00:02:40,993 --> 00:02:43,061 It used to be savage Indian. 48 00:02:43,128 --> 00:02:45,530 Marketing figured that might offend people. 49 00:02:45,598 --> 00:02:47,365 Duke, I can't sell tobacco. 50 00:02:47,433 --> 00:02:49,534 Many of my viewers are children. 51 00:02:49,602 --> 00:02:53,205 I have a tremendous influence on them. 52 00:02:53,272 --> 00:02:54,539 Here's a fun fact. 53 00:02:54,607 --> 00:02:56,341 Burt Reynolds is balder than me. 54 00:02:58,211 --> 00:03:00,445 Look, it's baloney man. 55 00:03:00,513 --> 00:03:03,881 I'm afraid you're going to have to find someone else to do those ads. 56 00:03:03,949 --> 00:03:06,751 Maybe I'll find somebody else to review movies. 57 00:03:06,819 --> 00:03:07,919 Anybody could. 58 00:03:07,986 --> 00:03:10,655 Like him, or her, or him. 59 00:03:10,723 --> 00:03:11,656 Or me? 60 00:03:11,724 --> 00:03:13,124 No, not you. 61 00:03:14,827 --> 00:03:17,929 Kiss my surprisingly firm butt. 62 00:03:17,996 --> 00:03:20,865 You know, I could replace you with a trained seal. 63 00:03:20,933 --> 00:03:22,334 Oh, come on. 64 00:03:22,401 --> 00:03:23,702 Follow me. 65 00:03:26,004 --> 00:03:28,373 [Beeps] 66 00:03:28,441 --> 00:03:31,376 You could have been senator corleone, governor corleone, 67 00:03:31,444 --> 00:03:34,346 the ayatollah corleone, nat king corleone. 68 00:03:34,413 --> 00:03:36,080 [Honking] 69 00:03:38,417 --> 00:03:39,751 [Dings] 70 00:03:39,818 --> 00:03:42,420 We call him our seal of approval. 71 00:03:42,488 --> 00:03:44,456 Uh, is this intended to scare me? 72 00:03:44,523 --> 00:03:45,724 Because it's not. 73 00:03:45,791 --> 00:03:46,758 [Screaming] 74 00:03:46,825 --> 00:03:48,360 [Barking] 75 00:03:48,427 --> 00:03:49,861 Last action hero. 76 00:03:49,928 --> 00:03:51,396 [Whimpers] 77 00:03:51,464 --> 00:03:53,698 Look, you can't make me advertise anything. 78 00:03:53,766 --> 00:03:55,267 I have a contract. 79 00:03:58,604 --> 00:04:01,573 Tonight, like tom Hanks in Philadelphia, 80 00:04:01,641 --> 00:04:05,310 Jerry Lewis tries a dramatic role in schenectady. 81 00:04:06,412 --> 00:04:08,546 Now, could you tell me about the day 82 00:04:08,614 --> 00:04:11,283 you were fired from weintraub, Myers and mellman? 83 00:04:11,350 --> 00:04:14,152 Wine glass, mellman and schmellman? 84 00:04:14,219 --> 00:04:16,755 No. Weintraub, Myers and mellman. 85 00:04:16,822 --> 00:04:20,057 Wino, shmegegi and hasenpfeffer? 86 00:04:20,125 --> 00:04:21,959 No further questions. 87 00:04:22,027 --> 00:04:24,296 Nice lady. 88 00:04:24,363 --> 00:04:27,699 Here's my 2-word review. Bad movie. 89 00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:29,768 [Laughing] 90 00:04:29,835 --> 00:04:31,503 [Footsteps approaching] 91 00:04:31,570 --> 00:04:32,804 What the... 92 00:04:32,871 --> 00:04:35,940 Heap big taste. It will womp 'em. 93 00:04:36,008 --> 00:04:37,642 I refuse to put up with this. 94 00:04:37,710 --> 00:04:39,911 You find somebody else to do your commercials. 95 00:04:39,978 --> 00:04:42,847 Are you forgetting about your contract, son? 96 00:04:42,915 --> 00:04:44,816 Here's what I think of that. 97 00:04:44,883 --> 00:04:46,050 I quit. 98 00:04:47,052 --> 00:04:48,953 ♪[Indian drums beating] 99 00:04:53,359 --> 00:04:55,593 So I stood up for my principles 100 00:04:55,661 --> 00:04:57,862 and that's the most important thing of all. 101 00:04:57,930 --> 00:05:00,665 It also means I won't have as much money as I used to. 102 00:05:00,733 --> 00:05:03,435 That's ok, dad. Money is not important. 103 00:05:03,502 --> 00:05:05,303 Not important? This is New York. 104 00:05:05,371 --> 00:05:08,139 I'll starve here without money. 105 00:05:08,207 --> 00:05:10,775 Oh, please, I got to have this job, Mr... 106 00:05:11,477 --> 00:05:12,744 Pizzaface? 107 00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:14,512 That's pizzaface! 108 00:05:14,580 --> 00:05:16,448 And we only hire senior citizens. 109 00:05:16,515 --> 00:05:18,783 It's part of our enslave the elderly program. 110 00:05:18,851 --> 00:05:21,519 Well, the grease has reached its boiling point. 111 00:05:21,587 --> 00:05:24,723 Thousands of French fries are entering the skirmish. 112 00:05:24,790 --> 00:05:27,759 Quit goofing around, and put on your hair net. 113 00:05:29,228 --> 00:05:31,529 And that's the way it is. 114 00:05:31,597 --> 00:05:33,064 Oh, what am I gonna do? 115 00:05:33,131 --> 00:05:34,899 Why don't you take a vacation? 116 00:05:34,967 --> 00:05:36,601 You deserve it. 117 00:05:36,669 --> 00:05:38,436 Hmm. 118 00:05:39,538 --> 00:05:42,306 Day 5 of my European vacation. 119 00:05:42,375 --> 00:05:44,976 Where to next? Milano? Brussels? 120 00:05:45,043 --> 00:05:47,245 Ooh, how about beautiful naples? 121 00:05:48,781 --> 00:05:51,215 Mmm, ah, naples, 122 00:05:51,283 --> 00:05:52,550 why visit when you can 123 00:05:52,618 --> 00:05:55,353 bite the cookie that bears thy name? 124 00:05:56,789 --> 00:05:59,391 Tonight at 10:00, the best of Chevy chase. 125 00:05:59,458 --> 00:06:01,058 Then at 10:05 the news. 126 00:06:01,126 --> 00:06:03,628 And now back to coming attractions, 127 00:06:03,696 --> 00:06:05,864 with your new host, Rex Reed. 128 00:06:05,931 --> 00:06:07,331 What? 129 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:09,734 Joan plowright, and how right. 130 00:06:09,802 --> 00:06:13,705 On the shermometer... i mean, the rexal thermometer, 131 00:06:13,773 --> 00:06:15,673 she rates a 10. 132 00:06:15,741 --> 00:06:17,975 And now a word from our sponsor, 133 00:06:18,043 --> 00:06:21,078 savvy Indian chewing tobacco. 134 00:06:21,146 --> 00:06:23,715 It's not just for Indians. 135 00:06:26,285 --> 00:06:30,354 ♪ Yummy, yummy, yum, yum 136 00:06:30,423 --> 00:06:31,823 oh. 137 00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:34,125 Hi, big brother, how's the job search going? 138 00:06:34,192 --> 00:06:37,529 Some scientists paid me $50 to test a new p.M.S. Drug. 139 00:06:37,596 --> 00:06:40,465 As if that's any of your business, miss buttinski. 140 00:06:40,533 --> 00:06:42,033 Oh, I'm sorry. 141 00:06:42,100 --> 00:06:45,169 I don't know why I say such hurtful things. 142 00:06:45,237 --> 00:06:47,472 Ooh, chocolate. 143 00:06:47,540 --> 00:06:50,241 Oh, that's going straight to my thighs. 144 00:06:50,309 --> 00:06:53,511 Look, don't panic. Remember how insecure you were 145 00:06:53,579 --> 00:06:55,613 when you graduated from college? 146 00:06:57,416 --> 00:06:59,751 Dad, you've always been sort of like a father to me. 147 00:06:59,819 --> 00:07:01,719 What do you think I should do with my life? 148 00:07:01,787 --> 00:07:03,988 Oh, that's a good question, son. 149 00:07:04,056 --> 00:07:06,123 Now, here's one for you. 150 00:07:06,191 --> 00:07:10,528 They're called fingers, and yet they don't fing. 151 00:07:10,596 --> 00:07:13,097 Noodle that one for a while. 152 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:17,134 Jay, I just want to say one word: 153 00:07:20,539 --> 00:07:21,739 Trucking. 154 00:07:21,807 --> 00:07:24,609 And I have one word for you, too, son: 155 00:07:24,677 --> 00:07:25,777 Snapple. 156 00:07:25,845 --> 00:07:28,913 Oh, dad, you and your nonsense words. 157 00:07:28,981 --> 00:07:30,748 That's it. Trucking. 158 00:07:30,816 --> 00:07:32,984 You know I've always envied truck drivers. 159 00:07:33,051 --> 00:07:35,520 No responsibilities, the open road. 160 00:07:35,588 --> 00:07:37,689 Maybe I'll write about it, maybe I won't. 161 00:07:37,756 --> 00:07:39,223 I'll be much happier. 162 00:07:39,291 --> 00:07:42,226 Now, Jay, don't make any rash career moves. 163 00:07:42,294 --> 00:07:44,629 Remember when you dropped out of school 164 00:07:44,697 --> 00:07:46,564 to become a lumberjack? 165 00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:48,666 [Echoing] Timber! 166 00:07:54,339 --> 00:07:55,807 Well, the lumberjacks liked me. 167 00:07:55,875 --> 00:07:58,309 We ate like kings that night. 168 00:07:58,377 --> 00:08:01,245 Maybe deep down I just want to be loved. 169 00:08:01,313 --> 00:08:03,414 And everyone loves truckers. 170 00:08:04,783 --> 00:08:05,884 [Tires screeching] 171 00:08:05,951 --> 00:08:06,951 [Honking] 172 00:08:07,019 --> 00:08:07,952 Moron! 173 00:08:13,492 --> 00:08:17,028 ♪ I... I... I... I love you very much ♪ 174 00:08:17,095 --> 00:08:19,664 ♪ I... I... I... I think you're grand ♪ 175 00:08:19,732 --> 00:08:21,432 ♪ viva LA revolucion 176 00:08:23,736 --> 00:08:26,237 so you want to be a trucker, huh? 177 00:08:26,304 --> 00:08:28,039 You ever drive a 16-Wheeler? 178 00:08:28,106 --> 00:08:31,843 Well, I once pushed 4 shopping carts full of dove bars. 179 00:08:31,911 --> 00:08:33,011 [Grunts] 180 00:08:33,078 --> 00:08:35,446 Are you prone to having blackouts? 181 00:08:35,514 --> 00:08:36,480 No. 182 00:08:38,817 --> 00:08:41,185 Are you prone to having blackouts? 183 00:08:41,253 --> 00:08:42,186 No. 184 00:08:44,623 --> 00:08:47,091 Are you prone to having blackouts? 185 00:08:47,159 --> 00:08:48,359 No! 186 00:08:48,427 --> 00:08:49,861 Oh, better than the rest of us, 187 00:08:49,929 --> 00:08:52,530 Mr. I-know-where-I-am- at-all-times. 188 00:08:52,598 --> 00:08:53,865 Sorry. 189 00:08:53,933 --> 00:08:56,333 Are you prone to having blackouts? 190 00:08:56,401 --> 00:08:57,368 Yes. 191 00:08:57,436 --> 00:08:59,336 Excellent. Previous salary? 192 00:08:59,404 --> 00:09:01,372 $271,000 a year. 193 00:09:02,808 --> 00:09:03,908 I'm sorry, 194 00:09:03,976 --> 00:09:05,910 you just don't have what it takes to be a trucker. 195 00:09:05,978 --> 00:09:08,012 Please, this is very important to me. 196 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:11,282 All right, but there's a little matter of a vision test. 197 00:09:11,349 --> 00:09:12,817 You see that chart over there? 198 00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:13,851 Yes. 199 00:09:13,919 --> 00:09:15,787 Congratulations. You passed. 200 00:09:15,854 --> 00:09:17,855 At last, I'm a trucker. 201 00:09:17,923 --> 00:09:21,025 Corporate America, I will not be your shill. 202 00:09:21,093 --> 00:09:22,026 Right. 203 00:09:22,094 --> 00:09:23,761 Well, there's your rig. 204 00:09:28,100 --> 00:09:29,767 Oh. 205 00:09:29,835 --> 00:09:32,136 Well, no more sitting around all day staring at a screen. 206 00:09:32,204 --> 00:09:34,171 I'm going to see the world. 207 00:09:59,832 --> 00:10:00,765 [Gasps] 208 00:10:04,469 --> 00:10:05,469 Oh. 209 00:10:12,544 --> 00:10:13,778 [Groaning] 210 00:10:15,413 --> 00:10:17,882 Oh, my son, the trucker. 211 00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:20,918 I was president of a truckers' union for a while. 212 00:10:20,986 --> 00:10:22,419 That reminds me. 213 00:10:22,487 --> 00:10:25,790 There's a lot of money in some dead bodies buried in the backyard. 214 00:10:25,858 --> 00:10:29,727 Look, I think this is the beginning of a new life for me. 215 00:10:29,795 --> 00:10:32,263 Eleanor, if Jay wants to become a trucker, 216 00:10:32,330 --> 00:10:34,231 he has my blessing. 217 00:10:34,299 --> 00:10:36,534 It's one of the most sensible ideas I've heard in a while. 218 00:10:36,601 --> 00:10:37,535 24. 219 00:10:37,602 --> 00:10:38,836 24? 220 00:10:38,904 --> 00:10:40,271 Your father has taken to counting 221 00:10:40,338 --> 00:10:43,007 the number of words in his sentences. 222 00:10:43,075 --> 00:10:44,776 Indeed, I have. 223 00:10:44,843 --> 00:10:46,477 3. Oh, that's 4. 224 00:10:46,545 --> 00:10:49,013 Oops, 7, 9, 10. 225 00:10:49,081 --> 00:10:50,848 Gee, you look kind of noble up there. 226 00:10:50,916 --> 00:10:54,018 Noble? Thou flatters me. 227 00:10:54,086 --> 00:10:55,687 Uh-huh. 228 00:10:55,754 --> 00:10:57,955 Well, anyway, I brought you something. 229 00:10:58,023 --> 00:11:00,058 They're Susan b. Anthony mud flaps. 230 00:11:00,125 --> 00:11:02,259 Much better than yours with the nude women. 231 00:11:02,327 --> 00:11:04,796 Oh, what will the other truckers say when they see these? 232 00:11:04,863 --> 00:11:07,364 Wow, Susan b. Anthony! 233 00:11:07,432 --> 00:11:09,667 All I got is Betty friedan. 234 00:11:09,735 --> 00:11:11,635 In honor of black history month, 235 00:11:11,704 --> 00:11:13,604 I've got Harriet tubman on the back, 236 00:11:13,672 --> 00:11:15,073 and rosa parks in the front. 237 00:11:15,140 --> 00:11:16,640 I got golda meir. 238 00:11:16,709 --> 00:11:17,942 What's not to like? 239 00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:21,979 Welcome, son. 240 00:11:22,047 --> 00:11:23,047 Hello. 241 00:11:23,115 --> 00:11:25,316 Well, laddie, this can be a rough place, 242 00:11:25,383 --> 00:11:26,851 but with my knowing guidance 243 00:11:26,919 --> 00:11:28,552 you'll make it through ok. 244 00:11:28,620 --> 00:11:30,188 Thanks. Now, where's the men's room? 245 00:11:30,255 --> 00:11:31,622 I don't know. 246 00:11:31,690 --> 00:11:33,557 I've been going in the coffee can out back. 247 00:11:33,625 --> 00:11:36,127 Son, it's time to choose your handle. 248 00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:39,396 It's a name you'll be stuck with for a long time. 249 00:11:39,464 --> 00:11:41,799 Um, how about cineaste. 250 00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:43,201 Good. That's the moxie. 251 00:11:43,268 --> 00:11:45,536 But my handle is cineaste. 252 00:11:45,604 --> 00:11:46,804 Oh, that's right. 253 00:11:46,872 --> 00:11:49,673 Ok, we'll just call you lardbutt. 254 00:11:49,742 --> 00:11:51,976 Everybody, this here is lardbutt. 255 00:11:52,044 --> 00:11:53,911 (All) Hi, lardbutt. 256 00:11:53,979 --> 00:11:56,013 I'm not gonna let you call me that. 257 00:11:56,081 --> 00:11:58,916 All right, how about tushy galore? 258 00:11:58,984 --> 00:12:00,384 Lardbutt it is. 259 00:12:00,452 --> 00:12:02,754 You're one tough cream puff. 260 00:12:02,821 --> 00:12:05,022 Listen up, I just got a call from Florida. 261 00:12:05,090 --> 00:12:07,825 There's a truck full of politically correct textbooks 262 00:12:07,893 --> 00:12:10,795 that have got to be in the schools in New York, in 24 hours. 263 00:12:10,863 --> 00:12:12,329 Until those books get here, 264 00:12:12,397 --> 00:12:14,832 kids will think that Columbus discovered America 265 00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:17,201 and Paul revere was sober. 266 00:12:17,269 --> 00:12:19,771 We can't have that. 267 00:12:19,838 --> 00:12:23,474 The truck you'll be taking has no brakes, no shocks, 268 00:12:23,541 --> 00:12:26,210 and a supertramp tape stuck in the 8-track player. 269 00:12:26,278 --> 00:12:27,812 Do I have a volunteer? 270 00:12:30,649 --> 00:12:32,183 Now's my chance to fit in. 271 00:12:33,018 --> 00:12:34,285 I'll make the run. 272 00:12:34,352 --> 00:12:35,253 Excellent. 273 00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:37,421 Uh, do you have another truck? 274 00:12:37,489 --> 00:12:39,824 Yeah, with Leonard nimoy sings supertramp 275 00:12:39,892 --> 00:12:41,492 stuck in the tape player. 276 00:12:41,559 --> 00:12:42,660 I'm off. 277 00:12:46,464 --> 00:12:48,632 Now, where's that coffee can? 278 00:12:48,700 --> 00:12:49,533 Oh. 279 00:12:51,970 --> 00:12:54,238 Breaker, breaker, this is the lardbutt 280 00:12:54,306 --> 00:12:56,974 sticking his rear where you've got your ear. 281 00:12:57,042 --> 00:12:58,910 I'm seeking female companionship. 282 00:12:58,977 --> 00:13:01,679 Me, sensitive, kind. 283 00:13:01,746 --> 00:13:03,681 You, not fat. 284 00:13:03,748 --> 00:13:05,883 (Woman) Lardbutt, you found your dream girls. 285 00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:07,418 This is Thelma and Louise 286 00:13:07,485 --> 00:13:09,520 and we're right on your donkey. 287 00:13:12,724 --> 00:13:13,791 [Screams] 288 00:13:18,297 --> 00:13:19,997 [Siren wailing] 289 00:13:20,065 --> 00:13:21,199 [Gasps] 290 00:13:23,735 --> 00:13:27,805 So we got ourselves a real city boy, here, 291 00:13:27,873 --> 00:13:31,375 all the way from New York City. 292 00:13:31,443 --> 00:13:32,509 [Chuckling] 293 00:13:32,577 --> 00:13:33,911 Right, chiefie. 294 00:13:33,979 --> 00:13:37,014 I just got one question for you, son. 295 00:13:37,082 --> 00:13:39,416 When's tama janowitz's new book coming out? 296 00:13:39,484 --> 00:13:40,751 I want to read that sucker. 297 00:13:40,819 --> 00:13:41,752 Huh? 298 00:13:41,820 --> 00:13:44,755 You heard the man. Tama janowitz. 299 00:13:44,823 --> 00:13:46,423 She sure writes pretty. 300 00:13:46,491 --> 00:13:48,326 Look, I don't know. 301 00:13:48,393 --> 00:13:49,927 Well, then answer me this. 302 00:13:49,995 --> 00:13:52,263 Are there still 5-minute delays 303 00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:56,633 on the "b," "d," "f," and "q" lines between penn station and morningside heights? 304 00:13:56,701 --> 00:13:58,870 J.B., why do you want to go to midtown? 305 00:13:58,937 --> 00:14:00,838 All the really happening galleries 306 00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:02,706 are down soho-way. Lookie here. 307 00:14:02,774 --> 00:14:04,308 Maybe I should be going. 308 00:14:04,376 --> 00:14:07,912 You do that. You get back to your guggenheim museum, 309 00:14:07,980 --> 00:14:10,047 your mostly Mozart festival, 310 00:14:10,115 --> 00:14:11,849 the bars of Christopher street 311 00:14:11,917 --> 00:14:13,517 where anything can happen. 312 00:14:13,585 --> 00:14:15,019 And usually does. 313 00:14:16,255 --> 00:14:17,889 Damn, 314 00:14:17,956 --> 00:14:19,823 I wish I could get a bagel here at 2:00 A.M. 315 00:14:24,263 --> 00:14:25,729 All right, I've got my books. 316 00:14:25,797 --> 00:14:27,164 Now I've got to get back to New York. 317 00:14:27,232 --> 00:14:28,766 Can't stop for anything. 318 00:14:28,833 --> 00:14:30,634 Help us! 319 00:14:31,536 --> 00:14:32,669 Help us! 320 00:14:34,373 --> 00:14:35,373 [Gasps] 321 00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:37,841 Meet ingmar bergman, 25 cents. 322 00:14:39,111 --> 00:14:40,044 Oh. 323 00:14:42,347 --> 00:14:46,817 Well, you best get back to the peanut patch with polanski and bertolucci. 324 00:14:48,453 --> 00:14:52,523 I'm sorry, the politically correct book truck's not here yet. 325 00:14:52,590 --> 00:14:54,225 But the driver's on the way. 326 00:14:54,293 --> 00:14:56,093 When is he gonna get here? 327 00:14:56,161 --> 00:14:58,695 He or she, son. He or she. 328 00:14:58,763 --> 00:14:59,797 [Grunts] 329 00:14:59,864 --> 00:15:01,032 All is lost. 330 00:15:01,099 --> 00:15:02,400 [Horn blowing] 331 00:15:02,467 --> 00:15:03,634 [All exclaim] 332 00:15:12,644 --> 00:15:14,345 Ok, he's back. 333 00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:17,248 But what proof do we have he made it to Florida? 334 00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:19,317 You want proof? Behold. 335 00:15:21,719 --> 00:15:26,490 Oh, the shake-em-up snowy souvenir thing. 336 00:15:27,059 --> 00:15:28,092 Look, 337 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:30,661 maybe laddie made the trip, maybe he did not. 338 00:15:30,728 --> 00:15:32,296 But he brought us a snow globe, 339 00:15:32,364 --> 00:15:34,265 and that's good enough for me. 340 00:15:34,333 --> 00:15:36,700 24 hours sitting in one spot. 341 00:15:36,768 --> 00:15:38,001 How did you do it, son? 342 00:15:38,003 --> 00:15:40,671 Well, I've sat through a lot of bad movies. 343 00:15:45,944 --> 00:15:48,512 Oh, someone's kissing me. 344 00:15:48,580 --> 00:15:50,381 It must be a beautiful woman. 345 00:15:52,684 --> 00:15:55,019 Now I'll make sweet love to you 346 00:15:55,087 --> 00:15:57,855 while keeping my eyes closed the whole time. 347 00:15:57,922 --> 00:15:59,490 [Gibbering] 348 00:16:01,059 --> 00:16:02,759 Clyde! 349 00:16:02,827 --> 00:16:05,363 Since then, I've lost all feeling back there. 350 00:16:06,064 --> 00:16:07,298 Come here, son. 351 00:16:10,768 --> 00:16:12,970 Let's hear it for hardbutt. 352 00:16:13,038 --> 00:16:15,206 [All cheering] 353 00:16:15,273 --> 00:16:17,508 I belong, I belong! 354 00:16:17,575 --> 00:16:19,776 Everybody to my place for herbal tea. 355 00:16:19,844 --> 00:16:22,713 You can see my dolls from many lands. 356 00:16:22,780 --> 00:16:25,282 [All mumbling] 357 00:16:25,350 --> 00:16:28,585 I... I mean, uh, who's up for an evening of beer and vomiting? 358 00:16:28,653 --> 00:16:30,521 [All cheering] 359 00:16:30,588 --> 00:16:34,125 (All) Vomiting. Vomiting. Vomiting. 360 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:37,328 ♪[Jay whistling] 361 00:16:42,967 --> 00:16:45,202 Dad, I've never seen you so happy. 362 00:16:45,270 --> 00:16:47,304 Son, I don't miss criticism at all. 363 00:16:49,207 --> 00:16:51,742 I'm sorry. Your truck is just too heavy for the road. 364 00:16:57,682 --> 00:16:59,183 How awkward. 365 00:17:01,486 --> 00:17:03,887 A shooting star. Make a wish, dad. 366 00:17:05,023 --> 00:17:05,956 Hmm. 367 00:17:12,197 --> 00:17:13,730 (Jay) Thank you, God. 368 00:17:18,070 --> 00:17:19,503 [Horn honking] 369 00:17:21,473 --> 00:17:22,406 Hmm. 370 00:17:26,111 --> 00:17:27,111 [Ringing] 371 00:17:27,179 --> 00:17:30,548 Hello, you don't like Mr. sherman's driving. 372 00:17:30,615 --> 00:17:33,150 Is he weaving from side to side? 373 00:17:33,218 --> 00:17:35,453 Is he braking suddenly. 374 00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:37,955 Is he throwing a vanilla shake at you? 375 00:17:38,856 --> 00:17:39,756 [Giggling] 376 00:17:39,824 --> 00:17:42,193 Hmm, we were disconnected. 377 00:17:42,260 --> 00:17:43,794 Ow. 378 00:17:43,861 --> 00:17:45,662 Thanks for a fun day, dad. 379 00:17:45,730 --> 00:17:48,566 I finally topped your mom's boyfriend Alberto, 380 00:17:48,633 --> 00:17:49,700 hey, Marty? 381 00:17:51,736 --> 00:17:53,070 Alberto! 382 00:17:53,138 --> 00:17:54,905 It's my new toy. Hop in. 383 00:17:54,973 --> 00:17:56,907 I'll let you fire the machine gun. 384 00:17:56,975 --> 00:17:58,142 Thank you, Uncle Al. 385 00:17:58,210 --> 00:17:59,977 Please, call me daddy. 386 00:18:00,044 --> 00:18:01,345 With pleasure. 387 00:18:06,318 --> 00:18:09,220 Vlada takes all deliveries in the rear. 388 00:18:09,287 --> 00:18:11,155 Vlada, it's me, Jay sherman. 389 00:18:12,257 --> 00:18:14,691 I'd like your best table for my friends. 390 00:18:14,759 --> 00:18:16,660 Of course. 391 00:18:16,728 --> 00:18:19,363 Chain them in the fruit cellar with mama. 392 00:18:26,238 --> 00:18:27,404 Hey, it says here 393 00:18:27,472 --> 00:18:29,306 Samuel Beckett's endgame is playing 394 00:18:29,374 --> 00:18:30,774 at the belasco theatre. 395 00:18:30,842 --> 00:18:33,043 With Mandy patinkin and mummenschanz. 396 00:18:33,111 --> 00:18:34,445 Hot dang! 397 00:18:34,513 --> 00:18:36,980 (Both) Yahoo! 398 00:18:37,048 --> 00:18:40,451 Best meal I ever had for $111. 399 00:18:42,086 --> 00:18:43,287 Your car, sir. 400 00:18:43,355 --> 00:18:44,755 These aren't my wheels. 401 00:18:44,822 --> 00:18:47,591 They're not? Then who? 402 00:18:47,659 --> 00:18:50,561 Wait until the boys at club manhole see this. 403 00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:54,131 Well, we better roll if we don't want to miss ultimate force. 404 00:18:54,199 --> 00:18:55,633 Is that a movie? Yeah. 405 00:18:55,700 --> 00:18:57,034 So, what's the plot? 406 00:18:57,101 --> 00:18:58,435 How should I know? 407 00:18:58,503 --> 00:19:00,204 With a name like ultimate force, 408 00:19:00,272 --> 00:19:03,073 you know you're gonna see a tough guy on wheels. 409 00:19:03,141 --> 00:19:06,109 And so, gravity remains a mystery 410 00:19:06,178 --> 00:19:09,413 and truly the ultimate force. 411 00:19:09,481 --> 00:19:11,848 It's a bloody science documentary. 412 00:19:11,916 --> 00:19:13,651 It's not very bloody. 413 00:19:13,718 --> 00:19:16,920 And now, to quote a joke I once heard. 414 00:19:16,988 --> 00:19:20,391 Planck's constant is neither. 415 00:19:20,458 --> 00:19:23,427 Pop, pop, pop. 416 00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:26,763 Even our estimate of the hubbell constant... 417 00:19:26,831 --> 00:19:28,965 Ooh, this is where Van Der waals force... 418 00:19:29,033 --> 00:19:30,668 no, don't give it away. 419 00:19:30,735 --> 00:19:33,136 Quiet, I'm trying to read back here. 420 00:19:33,205 --> 00:19:34,638 How could this happen? 421 00:19:34,706 --> 00:19:36,207 If only there were people 422 00:19:36,274 --> 00:19:38,509 whose job it was to watch movies 423 00:19:38,577 --> 00:19:40,077 and tell others about them, 424 00:19:40,144 --> 00:19:42,779 so tragedies like this could be avoided. 425 00:19:42,847 --> 00:19:44,348 They could do more than that. 426 00:19:44,416 --> 00:19:45,949 They could rate movies 427 00:19:46,017 --> 00:19:48,552 by a system in which some body part is pointed 428 00:19:48,620 --> 00:19:50,821 triumphantly towards the heavens, 429 00:19:50,888 --> 00:19:52,856 or sheepishly towards the earth. 430 00:19:52,924 --> 00:19:54,925 You mean thumbs up or thumbs down? 431 00:19:54,992 --> 00:19:56,760 I guess that would work, too. 432 00:19:56,828 --> 00:19:58,995 I did all these things and more, 433 00:19:59,063 --> 00:20:01,498 for I was a critic. 434 00:20:01,566 --> 00:20:05,035 If this is true, if you were a critic, 435 00:20:05,103 --> 00:20:07,605 then your place is back with your people. 436 00:20:07,672 --> 00:20:10,307 That is how you can best help our people. 437 00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:11,308 And I'm off. 438 00:20:13,278 --> 00:20:16,347 I just gotta get through midtown and I'm back to work. 439 00:20:19,183 --> 00:20:21,084 [Horns honking] 440 00:20:21,152 --> 00:20:22,286 [Crickets chirping] 441 00:20:28,526 --> 00:20:30,361 [Horns continue honking] 442 00:20:38,503 --> 00:20:41,705 Man, I thought that traffic jam was never gonna break up. 443 00:20:41,773 --> 00:20:42,706 [Yells] 444 00:20:46,511 --> 00:20:48,145 Duke, I want my job back. I... 445 00:20:48,212 --> 00:20:49,413 You got it. 446 00:20:49,481 --> 00:20:51,248 Rex Reed's filthy tobacco habit 447 00:20:51,316 --> 00:20:54,184 is turning off our key 2 to 65-year-old audience. 448 00:20:55,987 --> 00:21:00,123 ♪ Yummy, yummy, yum, yum ♪ 449 00:21:00,191 --> 00:21:01,892 he doesn't review movies, 450 00:21:01,959 --> 00:21:04,227 he just sits there singing that stupid song. 451 00:21:04,296 --> 00:21:07,698 And every time he does, I got to pay some navajo $50. 452 00:21:07,766 --> 00:21:11,602 ♪ Yummy, yummy, yum, yum ♪ 453 00:21:16,174 --> 00:21:18,108 well, that's our show for tonight. 454 00:21:18,176 --> 00:21:20,877 If you want to read more about trucking, I'm sorry, 455 00:21:20,945 --> 00:21:23,213 but there just aren't any trucking books out there. 456 00:21:23,281 --> 00:21:25,582 However, for a transcript of this episode, 457 00:21:25,650 --> 00:21:28,151 write to what was the point? 458 00:21:28,219 --> 00:21:30,854 In care of your local stations. 459 00:21:30,922 --> 00:21:32,823 Thank you and good night. 460 00:21:41,366 --> 00:21:42,800 [Crunching] 461 00:21:46,671 --> 00:21:47,604 [Slurping] 462 00:22:24,376 --> 00:22:26,343 (Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated. 463 00:22:26,411 --> 00:22:29,212 No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode. 464 00:22:34,252 --> 00:22:36,286 Excuse me, sir, the show's over. 465 00:22:36,354 --> 00:22:38,088 I'm stuck in the chair. 466 00:22:39,691 --> 00:22:40,724 [Chattering] 467 00:22:40,792 --> 00:22:41,692 Shh!