1 00:00:20,753 --> 00:00:22,420 [Telephone ringing] 2 00:00:23,489 --> 00:00:24,422 Hello? 3 00:00:24,490 --> 00:00:26,324 (Arnold) Jay, this is Schwarzenegger. 4 00:00:26,391 --> 00:00:28,893 I'm having a private screening of my new movie 5 00:00:28,961 --> 00:00:30,128 just for you. 6 00:00:30,195 --> 00:00:32,497 It's 3:00 A.M. Down by the docks. 7 00:00:32,564 --> 00:00:34,298 Don't bring the police. 8 00:00:34,366 --> 00:00:35,566 [Laughing] 9 00:00:55,988 --> 00:00:57,022 [Ice cracking] 10 00:00:57,089 --> 00:00:58,356 [All screaming] 11 00:00:58,423 --> 00:00:59,891 [All groaning] 12 00:01:05,698 --> 00:01:06,698 [Sighing] 13 00:01:06,766 --> 00:01:08,299 [Both screaming] 14 00:01:09,468 --> 00:01:10,735 It stinks! 15 00:01:12,805 --> 00:01:13,972 [Clicks] 16 00:01:35,194 --> 00:01:37,595 Good day, mates. I'm bogart the roach. 17 00:01:37,663 --> 00:01:39,864 I'm gonna tell you the story of Pinocchio, 18 00:01:39,932 --> 00:01:42,500 a wooden puppet who wanted to be a real boy. 19 00:01:45,037 --> 00:01:47,105 ♪ When you make 20 00:01:47,173 --> 00:01:49,273 ♪ a real big blunder 21 00:01:49,341 --> 00:01:51,076 ♪ have a pint 22 00:01:51,143 --> 00:01:53,712 ♪ and then go chunder 23 00:01:55,014 --> 00:01:57,048 this film is just a rip-off. 24 00:01:57,116 --> 00:01:58,282 Jay, boychik, 25 00:01:58,350 --> 00:02:00,819 they paid me good money to be in this cartoon. 26 00:02:00,886 --> 00:02:03,722 And look who they got to do the voice of geppetto. 27 00:02:05,357 --> 00:02:07,992 (Arnold) Ja, that's good. Time for sleep. 28 00:02:08,794 --> 00:02:10,161 I'll be back. 29 00:02:10,229 --> 00:02:12,731 Oh, look, mate. Here comes the beige fairy. 30 00:02:12,798 --> 00:02:15,700 ♪[Chimes ringing] 31 00:02:15,768 --> 00:02:17,736 (Robin Williams) I flew in from San Francisco. 32 00:02:17,803 --> 00:02:19,704 And boy, are my Judy garland records tired. 33 00:02:19,772 --> 00:02:22,373 (Pat robertson) For shame, you've defiled a child's cartoon 34 00:02:22,441 --> 00:02:23,742 with evil thoughts. 35 00:02:23,809 --> 00:02:26,111 Captain, I am getting some evil thoughts. 36 00:02:26,178 --> 00:02:27,478 Evil thoughts? 37 00:02:27,546 --> 00:02:29,614 Spock, get that dribble out of your pants. 38 00:02:34,353 --> 00:02:35,620 [Groaning] 39 00:02:37,990 --> 00:02:39,724 (Bob Dylan) It's all right, ma. 40 00:02:39,792 --> 00:02:41,960 I'm only wooden. 41 00:02:42,027 --> 00:02:43,694 The animation is awful. 44 00:02:47,133 --> 00:02:49,567 It's awful, I tell you, awful. 45 00:02:49,635 --> 00:02:51,469 [Inaudible] 46 00:02:51,536 --> 00:02:53,972 Take it easy, Jay. It's just a movie, 47 00:02:54,039 --> 00:02:56,474 and a breakfast cereal, a soundtrack album, 48 00:02:56,541 --> 00:02:59,277 and a line of ultra-flammable children's sleepwear. 49 00:02:59,344 --> 00:03:01,012 What's the matter with you people? 50 00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:02,947 You should be throwing stuff at the screen. 51 00:03:03,715 --> 00:03:04,816 That's better. 52 00:03:04,884 --> 00:03:06,184 [Rumbling] 53 00:03:10,289 --> 00:03:11,355 [Clanking] 54 00:03:11,423 --> 00:03:12,423 Huh? 55 00:03:16,896 --> 00:03:18,163 [Crashing] 56 00:03:21,934 --> 00:03:23,434 Don't move. I've got mace! 57 00:03:23,502 --> 00:03:25,069 Oh, no, wait. It's mousse. 58 00:03:25,137 --> 00:03:27,605 Why am I carrying mousse? I only have 3 hairs. 59 00:03:30,442 --> 00:03:32,576 Oh, not you, number 2! 60 00:03:32,644 --> 00:03:34,545 I loved you most of all. 61 00:03:36,448 --> 00:03:38,416 [Whimpering] 62 00:03:39,618 --> 00:03:40,885 Ah... 63 00:03:44,589 --> 00:03:46,224 Wow, nobody's licked my face 64 00:03:46,292 --> 00:03:49,194 since that hippie who thought I was a hallucinogenic toad. 65 00:03:49,261 --> 00:03:50,929 You look hungry. 66 00:03:50,996 --> 00:03:53,131 Yep, gonna take you home. 67 00:03:53,199 --> 00:03:55,433 You see, this is one new yorker 68 00:03:55,500 --> 00:03:57,601 who hasn't grown cold and heartless. 69 00:03:58,537 --> 00:03:59,470 [Rumbling] 70 00:04:03,575 --> 00:04:05,776 Ha! The joke's on you, New York! 71 00:04:05,845 --> 00:04:08,546 I'm gonna get 5 cents for this bottle. 72 00:04:08,613 --> 00:04:10,248 [Gun firing] 73 00:04:10,316 --> 00:04:12,783 Well, nice shot, you stupid... 74 00:04:12,852 --> 00:04:14,385 chief of police. 75 00:04:15,287 --> 00:04:17,355 [Whimpering] 76 00:04:17,422 --> 00:04:19,324 I'll call you "tiny," 77 00:04:19,391 --> 00:04:21,259 although your full name will be 78 00:04:21,327 --> 00:04:22,994 un chien andalou. 79 00:04:23,062 --> 00:04:24,829 [Telephone ringing] 80 00:04:24,897 --> 00:04:27,966 [With female voice] Sherman residence. Ethel speaking. 81 00:04:28,033 --> 00:04:29,968 Hi, Jay. You coming to dinner tomorrow? 82 00:04:30,035 --> 00:04:32,337 You promised to help me fill out my college applications. 83 00:04:32,404 --> 00:04:35,573 May I suggest Mrs. pym's finishing school? 84 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:38,442 I started there, but never finished! 85 00:04:38,510 --> 00:04:39,744 Ah, ha! 86 00:04:39,811 --> 00:04:41,712 Oh, the irony is delicious. 87 00:04:41,780 --> 00:04:43,681 Now shut up! 88 00:04:43,749 --> 00:04:44,916 [Female voice] Don't hit me! 89 00:04:44,984 --> 00:04:46,918 Um, see you tomorrow. 90 00:04:46,986 --> 00:04:48,152 Don't bring Ethel. 91 00:04:49,821 --> 00:04:51,890 Hey! That's no way to behave. 92 00:04:53,192 --> 00:04:55,826 Ooh, cold gravy with skin. 93 00:04:57,162 --> 00:04:59,830 [Chomping] 94 00:05:00,866 --> 00:05:01,966 [Belching] 95 00:05:03,002 --> 00:05:04,435 [Birds chirping] 96 00:05:04,503 --> 00:05:06,153 My first choice is mount percheron. 97 00:05:06,221 --> 00:05:07,938 It's a riding academy in Kentucky. 98 00:05:08,006 --> 00:05:09,540 Don't be silly, margo. 99 00:05:09,608 --> 00:05:11,776 You're going to my Alma mater, 100 00:05:11,844 --> 00:05:15,230 l'universite francaise de hackensack. 101 00:05:15,297 --> 00:05:17,432 I don't want to go to your school. 102 00:05:17,499 --> 00:05:18,466 You have to go. 103 00:05:18,534 --> 00:05:20,535 We've given them so much money. 104 00:05:20,602 --> 00:05:23,037 They even have a statue of your father. 105 00:05:27,776 --> 00:05:30,478 There's a reason there's a banana in my ear. 106 00:05:30,546 --> 00:05:34,114 I'm trying to lure the monkey out of my head. 107 00:05:34,182 --> 00:05:36,283 Margo, I've got it all planned. 108 00:05:36,352 --> 00:05:38,753 You'll gain your Polish at hackensack "u," 109 00:05:38,821 --> 00:05:41,121 lose your virginity in a parking lot 110 00:05:41,189 --> 00:05:42,923 after a Dave brubeck concert, 111 00:05:42,991 --> 00:05:44,325 and become a doting wife 112 00:05:44,393 --> 00:05:48,095 to a man who wears underwear on his head. 113 00:05:48,163 --> 00:05:50,598 Mother, you just described your own life. 114 00:05:50,666 --> 00:05:52,333 Oh, good lord. 115 00:05:52,401 --> 00:05:55,102 What a complete waste it was. 116 00:05:55,170 --> 00:05:58,005 Well, you've made me what I am today. 117 00:05:58,073 --> 00:05:59,106 Oh. 118 00:06:02,611 --> 00:06:03,978 Tiny, I'm home. 119 00:06:04,045 --> 00:06:05,012 Ow! 120 00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:07,248 Oh, guess you're hungry again. 121 00:06:07,315 --> 00:06:08,983 [Growling] 122 00:06:10,218 --> 00:06:11,819 Oh, no! 123 00:06:11,887 --> 00:06:14,555 He even ate my waffle shaped like Jesus. 124 00:06:14,623 --> 00:06:17,658 I also had a matzo shaped like Moses. 125 00:06:17,726 --> 00:06:19,861 If that's not kosher, what is? 126 00:06:21,296 --> 00:06:22,930 Mmm, ladies, 127 00:06:22,998 --> 00:06:26,233 I've begun to think my life is a crushing bore. 128 00:06:26,301 --> 00:06:28,569 What do you do for stimulation? 129 00:06:28,637 --> 00:06:30,204 The pool man. 130 00:06:30,272 --> 00:06:31,405 My tennis coach. 131 00:06:31,473 --> 00:06:32,840 Wilford brimley. 132 00:06:32,908 --> 00:06:34,509 [Purring] 133 00:06:34,576 --> 00:06:35,810 A fling, eh? 134 00:06:35,878 --> 00:06:37,779 Well, last night I did have a hot dream 135 00:06:37,846 --> 00:06:39,414 about Woody harrelson. 136 00:06:39,481 --> 00:06:40,448 No, wait. 137 00:06:40,516 --> 00:06:41,982 It was woodrow Wilson. 138 00:06:43,051 --> 00:06:45,103 [Knocking] 139 00:06:45,170 --> 00:06:47,654 I'm here to fill your pantry, Mrs. sherman. 140 00:06:47,722 --> 00:06:48,756 Fine. 141 00:06:50,259 --> 00:06:53,227 Where would you like these sweet buns? 142 00:06:53,295 --> 00:06:55,629 Put them on my antique bun warmer. 143 00:06:56,381 --> 00:06:58,900 ♪[Disco music playing] 144 00:06:58,967 --> 00:07:01,102 [Grunting] 145 00:07:02,170 --> 00:07:03,237 Never mind that. 146 00:07:03,305 --> 00:07:04,738 Put the cans up there. 147 00:07:11,579 --> 00:07:13,014 [Grunting] 148 00:07:13,081 --> 00:07:15,649 And put the oil above the refrigerator. 149 00:07:24,026 --> 00:07:25,459 I apologize. 150 00:07:25,527 --> 00:07:28,329 It's my big hands. 151 00:07:28,397 --> 00:07:30,864 Is there anything else you desire? 152 00:07:30,933 --> 00:07:32,466 [Oil squelching] 153 00:07:34,469 --> 00:07:36,870 Oh, I get it. You want a tip. 154 00:07:36,939 --> 00:07:38,005 Have a cookie. 155 00:07:38,073 --> 00:07:39,307 [Choking] 156 00:07:41,843 --> 00:07:42,876 Oh. 157 00:07:44,479 --> 00:07:47,949 Franklin, my life is an endless gray corridor. 158 00:07:48,016 --> 00:07:50,051 Mmm, I've been there, too. 159 00:07:50,118 --> 00:07:52,886 Usually there's a midget making googly eyes at me. 160 00:07:52,955 --> 00:07:54,721 I call him Mr. piccolini. 161 00:07:54,789 --> 00:07:58,359 I can't remember the last time I was happy. 162 00:07:58,427 --> 00:08:01,996 My dear, it breaks my heart to hear you talk this way. 163 00:08:02,064 --> 00:08:04,465 If there's an answer, I shall find it, 164 00:08:04,532 --> 00:08:05,699 I swear. 165 00:08:10,072 --> 00:08:12,739 I say, Wilson, my wife is terribly depressed. 166 00:08:12,807 --> 00:08:14,208 What do you think she should do? 167 00:08:14,276 --> 00:08:15,443 Ribbit. 168 00:08:15,510 --> 00:08:17,511 Ribbit, ribbit. 169 00:08:17,579 --> 00:08:18,645 Ribbit, ribbit. 170 00:08:18,713 --> 00:08:21,349 My dear, I think you should rivet. 171 00:08:21,416 --> 00:08:22,683 Rivet, rivet. 172 00:08:22,750 --> 00:08:24,751 [Machinery noise] 173 00:08:26,455 --> 00:08:29,123 Franklin, this just isn't working out. 174 00:08:29,191 --> 00:08:30,992 Forget the rivets, darling. 175 00:08:31,059 --> 00:08:34,161 Krazy glue will hold any surface together! 176 00:08:34,229 --> 00:08:37,648 It's krazy! 177 00:08:37,716 --> 00:08:39,833 Hey, Doris, my mother's bored with her life. 178 00:08:39,901 --> 00:08:41,435 What do women your age do? 179 00:08:41,503 --> 00:08:42,436 Die. 180 00:08:42,504 --> 00:08:43,937 And square-dance. 181 00:08:44,006 --> 00:08:45,139 Hmm. 182 00:08:45,207 --> 00:08:47,908 ♪[Country music playing] 183 00:08:47,976 --> 00:08:50,011 ♪ Take your partner by the hand ♪ 184 00:08:50,078 --> 00:08:51,945 ♪ strut like Daniel moynihan ♪ 185 00:08:52,014 --> 00:08:54,048 ♪ grab your partner, do-si-do ♪ 186 00:08:54,116 --> 00:08:56,117 ♪ clear the floor for Ross perot ♪ 187 00:08:56,184 --> 00:08:58,185 ♪ eeh, ah, eeh, ah 188 00:08:58,253 --> 00:09:00,121 ♪ I didn't win a single state ♪ 189 00:09:00,188 --> 00:09:02,123 ♪ blame it on my runnin' mate ♪ 190 00:09:02,190 --> 00:09:03,257 that's me! 191 00:09:05,727 --> 00:09:08,529 I'm afraid I'm just not enjoying this. 192 00:09:08,596 --> 00:09:11,265 Mom, the whole point of this is to make new friends, 193 00:09:11,333 --> 00:09:12,433 like dad did. 194 00:09:14,702 --> 00:09:15,969 (Both) Hey! 195 00:09:17,039 --> 00:09:18,639 (Both) Hey! 196 00:09:18,706 --> 00:09:20,674 I haven't made any friends since that chauffeur I hired. 197 00:09:23,412 --> 00:09:26,080 Hoke, slow down. You're going too fast. 198 00:09:26,148 --> 00:09:27,915 I got better things to do 199 00:09:27,982 --> 00:09:29,983 than driving a crotchety old woman like you around. 200 00:09:30,052 --> 00:09:31,852 From now on, my name isn't hoke, 201 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:33,387 it's Malcolm h. 202 00:09:36,458 --> 00:09:37,824 And when the revolution comes, 203 00:09:37,892 --> 00:09:39,493 you will not be spared. 204 00:09:39,561 --> 00:09:41,228 [Train whistle blowing] 205 00:09:42,330 --> 00:09:44,831 He was my best friend. 206 00:09:44,899 --> 00:09:45,832 [Sighing] 207 00:09:46,668 --> 00:09:47,801 I have an idea. 208 00:09:47,869 --> 00:09:50,037 Why don't you join a charity like "save the whales"? 209 00:09:50,105 --> 00:09:52,806 Really. How do you think they'd react to this? 210 00:09:55,743 --> 00:09:57,044 I know. You could write a book. 211 00:09:57,112 --> 00:09:58,979 A book, eh? Ok. 212 00:09:59,047 --> 00:10:00,414 I'll write a book. 213 00:10:00,482 --> 00:10:02,783 Perhaps a guide to etiquette and manners. 214 00:10:02,850 --> 00:10:04,452 I'll start right now. 215 00:10:06,321 --> 00:10:09,390 Last one out gets a butt full of lead. 216 00:10:09,458 --> 00:10:11,225 [All screaming] 217 00:10:11,293 --> 00:10:12,626 You heard me, Teddy. 218 00:10:12,694 --> 00:10:14,528 Put your pants on and get out. 219 00:10:14,596 --> 00:10:16,663 I, uh, didn't come with pants, 220 00:10:16,731 --> 00:10:18,599 and I'm not leaving with pants. 221 00:10:20,168 --> 00:10:21,168 [Screams] 222 00:10:21,236 --> 00:10:22,669 [Clattering] 223 00:10:22,737 --> 00:10:24,004 Chapter one, 224 00:10:24,072 --> 00:10:26,640 dainty is as dainty does. 225 00:10:32,247 --> 00:10:35,316 Jay, I just finished my etiquette book. 226 00:10:35,383 --> 00:10:36,484 It's called: 227 00:10:36,551 --> 00:10:39,686 Why the poor should be blasted out into space. 228 00:10:39,754 --> 00:10:42,123 You know, we have the technology. 229 00:10:42,190 --> 00:10:43,857 Mom, have you shown this to anyone? 230 00:10:43,925 --> 00:10:45,726 Just shackleford. 231 00:10:45,793 --> 00:10:47,528 Is that madam's plate? 232 00:10:50,765 --> 00:10:52,866 [Squeaking] 233 00:10:52,934 --> 00:10:55,503 I thought I was the only one who did that. 234 00:10:55,570 --> 00:10:57,404 ♪ Let's twist again 235 00:10:57,472 --> 00:11:00,274 ♪ like we did last supper 236 00:11:00,342 --> 00:11:02,809 mom, I think you should write a different book. 237 00:11:02,877 --> 00:11:04,445 Oh, all right. 238 00:11:10,485 --> 00:11:11,619 Hmm. 239 00:11:13,288 --> 00:11:14,622 (Jay) ♪ honey 240 00:11:14,689 --> 00:11:16,923 ♪ yeah, sugar, sugar 241 00:11:16,991 --> 00:11:19,493 ♪ where is my candy bar? 242 00:11:19,561 --> 00:11:22,496 ♪ I think it was a Charleston chew ♪ 243 00:11:22,564 --> 00:11:24,598 ♪ there it is 244 00:11:24,666 --> 00:11:26,767 ♪ I'm gonna eat tonight 245 00:11:27,402 --> 00:11:30,504 [chomping] 246 00:11:30,572 --> 00:11:32,105 Jay, you've just given me 247 00:11:32,174 --> 00:11:34,741 a wonderful idea for a children's book. 248 00:11:35,677 --> 00:11:37,144 Really? What's it called? 249 00:11:37,212 --> 00:11:38,912 "Jay sherman, the little hunk 250 00:11:38,980 --> 00:11:41,415 that really, really could?" 251 00:11:41,483 --> 00:11:43,317 Oh, yeah. 252 00:11:43,385 --> 00:11:44,318 Hmm. 253 00:11:47,489 --> 00:11:48,922 "The fat little pig"? 254 00:11:51,059 --> 00:11:52,693 Hotchie motchie! 255 00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:54,761 It just poured out of me. 256 00:11:56,264 --> 00:11:57,998 Mother, I'm dropping out of law school 257 00:11:58,066 --> 00:11:59,800 to become a film critic. 258 00:11:59,867 --> 00:12:01,468 Oh, that's terrible. 259 00:12:01,536 --> 00:12:03,170 Just rip out my liver 260 00:12:03,238 --> 00:12:06,006 and whip it into a scrumptious pate. 261 00:12:06,074 --> 00:12:07,708 Don't mind if I do. 262 00:12:07,775 --> 00:12:09,009 [Honking] 263 00:12:09,077 --> 00:12:11,445 This whole story's about me, isn't it? 264 00:12:11,513 --> 00:12:12,613 No, no, 265 00:12:12,681 --> 00:12:14,915 a thousand times, no. 266 00:12:14,982 --> 00:12:16,783 Well, yes, but so what? 267 00:12:22,156 --> 00:12:25,559 Mrs. sherman, you remind me of another first-time author. 268 00:12:25,627 --> 00:12:27,328 His name was Dr. seduce, 269 00:12:27,395 --> 00:12:29,396 and his raunchy children's classic 270 00:12:29,464 --> 00:12:31,198 Morton hears his neighbors in bed 271 00:12:31,266 --> 00:12:32,999 made us millions. 272 00:12:33,067 --> 00:12:34,602 The bottom line, Mrs. sherman, 273 00:12:34,669 --> 00:12:36,036 is that I'm buying your book. 274 00:12:36,104 --> 00:12:37,338 Oh, that's wonderful! 275 00:12:37,405 --> 00:12:39,139 Franklin, did you hear? 276 00:12:39,207 --> 00:12:42,476 Oh, hot diggity. It's a pop-up book. 277 00:12:51,253 --> 00:12:52,553 I'm sorry, Mr. sherman, 278 00:12:52,621 --> 00:12:55,422 we only train dogs with the finest pedigrees. 279 00:12:55,490 --> 00:12:57,391 Uh, I have his papers right here. 280 00:12:57,459 --> 00:12:58,459 [Paper rips] 281 00:12:58,526 --> 00:13:00,961 See? Husky, extra large. 282 00:13:01,028 --> 00:13:02,630 Uh, Mr. sherman, 283 00:13:02,697 --> 00:13:05,599 did we just rip this tag off our pants? 284 00:13:05,667 --> 00:13:07,701 If I ripped the tag off my pants, 285 00:13:07,769 --> 00:13:09,603 believe me, you'd know. 286 00:13:13,074 --> 00:13:14,141 Let us take our leave 287 00:13:14,208 --> 00:13:16,176 before she embarrasses herself further. 288 00:13:21,683 --> 00:13:23,717 "And then the Jenny Craig people said, 289 00:13:23,785 --> 00:13:26,820 'we're sorry, fat little pig. Here's your refund.'" 290 00:13:26,888 --> 00:13:28,255 how can you read this trash? 291 00:13:28,323 --> 00:13:29,490 It's my homework. 292 00:13:29,557 --> 00:13:31,358 Would you say the fat little pig 293 00:13:31,426 --> 00:13:33,394 represents the pig in all of us, 294 00:13:33,461 --> 00:13:34,461 or just you? 295 00:13:34,529 --> 00:13:35,796 All right. 296 00:13:35,863 --> 00:13:36,863 Give me that! 297 00:13:36,931 --> 00:13:38,098 Sorry, dad. 298 00:13:38,166 --> 00:13:39,900 Hey, what's that? 299 00:13:39,967 --> 00:13:42,135 A ski mask? A grappling hook? 300 00:13:42,203 --> 00:13:43,737 Did tiny eat a burglar? 301 00:13:43,805 --> 00:13:45,306 Best I can figure. 302 00:13:45,373 --> 00:13:47,040 [Coughing] 303 00:13:52,414 --> 00:13:53,647 What the... 304 00:13:59,020 --> 00:14:00,354 (children) Fat little pig! 305 00:14:00,422 --> 00:14:01,622 Fat little pig! 306 00:14:01,690 --> 00:14:03,023 Fat pig! Here, piggy! Oink, oink! 307 00:14:03,090 --> 00:14:04,891 Shut up! Just shut up! 308 00:14:04,959 --> 00:14:06,993 I'm not the character from the book! 309 00:14:07,061 --> 00:14:09,229 What book? 310 00:14:09,297 --> 00:14:12,466 Oh, Franklin, people loved my book! 311 00:14:12,534 --> 00:14:14,802 My life has purpose again. 312 00:14:17,806 --> 00:14:18,905 Oh, Wilson, 313 00:14:18,973 --> 00:14:21,508 my wife is happy again. 314 00:14:21,576 --> 00:14:22,576 Hoo. 315 00:14:22,644 --> 00:14:23,677 My wife, Eleanor. 316 00:14:23,745 --> 00:14:25,412 Hoo. My wife, Eleanor. 317 00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:27,214 Hoo. My wife, Eleanor. 318 00:14:27,281 --> 00:14:28,915 Hoo. My wife, Eleanor. 319 00:14:28,983 --> 00:14:30,951 Hoo. My wife, Eleanor. 320 00:14:31,018 --> 00:14:32,753 Hoo. My wife, Eleanor. 321 00:14:32,821 --> 00:14:34,855 Hoo. My wife, Eleanor. 322 00:14:34,922 --> 00:14:36,390 Hoo, hoo. 323 00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:41,662 [Snoring] 324 00:14:44,466 --> 00:14:46,066 [Thunder rumbling] 325 00:14:46,901 --> 00:14:48,369 [Loud thudding] 326 00:14:53,875 --> 00:14:54,875 [Screaming] 327 00:14:57,679 --> 00:14:59,346 [Growling] 328 00:15:01,983 --> 00:15:04,351 Ahhh! Help! Help! 329 00:15:04,419 --> 00:15:06,754 Or at least put me in a better Spielberg movie! 330 00:15:09,357 --> 00:15:11,024 [Buoy bell ringing] 331 00:15:15,997 --> 00:15:18,665 [Screaming] 332 00:15:19,300 --> 00:15:20,200 [Snoring] 333 00:15:20,268 --> 00:15:21,769 Oh, that's it! 334 00:15:21,836 --> 00:15:23,537 I'm finding you a new home. 335 00:15:28,376 --> 00:15:30,844 Hello, and welcome to coming attractions. 336 00:15:30,912 --> 00:15:32,245 Tonight, we'll be reviewing 337 00:15:32,313 --> 00:15:34,882 Barney the dinosaur, the motion picture. 338 00:15:34,949 --> 00:15:38,552 Just look who got $10 million to play Barney. 339 00:15:38,620 --> 00:15:40,253 (Marlon Brando) This is so humiliating. 340 00:15:40,321 --> 00:15:41,889 You know, I had to lose 100 pounds 341 00:15:41,956 --> 00:15:43,356 to play a dinosaur. 342 00:15:43,425 --> 00:15:45,325 I can't even see through the eyeholes on this thing. 343 00:15:45,393 --> 00:15:46,393 Whoa! 344 00:15:46,461 --> 00:15:48,662 [Groaning] 345 00:15:48,730 --> 00:15:50,731 Hey! Barney's bein' funny! 346 00:15:50,799 --> 00:15:51,932 No, I'm not. 347 00:15:51,999 --> 00:15:53,300 I don't do comedy. 348 00:15:53,367 --> 00:15:55,636 Not since the freshman, that piece of crap. 349 00:15:55,703 --> 00:15:58,371 I don't know what I was thinkin', making that picture, let me tell you. 350 00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:01,141 But first, the futuristic action thriller, 351 00:16:01,208 --> 00:16:02,543 roboclapper. 352 00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:07,380 [Machine gun firing] 353 00:16:07,449 --> 00:16:10,350 Freeze, dirt bag. You're under a... 354 00:16:11,653 --> 00:16:12,619 rrest. 355 00:16:12,687 --> 00:16:14,287 Please don't do that. 356 00:16:14,355 --> 00:16:15,622 Commercials in the movies. 357 00:16:15,690 --> 00:16:16,924 Well, what's next, 358 00:16:16,991 --> 00:16:19,025 thigh masterpiece theater? 359 00:16:19,093 --> 00:16:20,861 [Laughing] 360 00:16:20,929 --> 00:16:22,362 [Pigs grunting] 361 00:16:24,098 --> 00:16:25,966 What the... we'll be right... 362 00:16:31,005 --> 00:16:32,539 just what do you call these? 363 00:16:32,607 --> 00:16:34,541 Well, that there's an eatin' pig, 364 00:16:34,609 --> 00:16:36,242 that there's a snugglin' pig, 365 00:16:36,310 --> 00:16:39,346 and that there's a pig you bring home to mama. 366 00:16:39,413 --> 00:16:41,181 What are they doing on the set? 367 00:16:41,248 --> 00:16:42,449 We're trying to capitalize 368 00:16:42,517 --> 00:16:44,518 on that "fat little pig" craze. 369 00:16:44,586 --> 00:16:47,220 I appreciate you rolling around in your own filth 370 00:16:47,288 --> 00:16:48,789 before coming in this morning. 371 00:16:48,857 --> 00:16:50,023 Shut up! 372 00:16:52,594 --> 00:16:54,661 That pig of yours is all over the country. 373 00:16:54,729 --> 00:16:56,162 Oh, how wonderful. 374 00:16:56,230 --> 00:16:57,598 It's not wonderful. 375 00:16:57,665 --> 00:16:58,632 Look. 376 00:16:58,700 --> 00:17:00,066 Good news, son. 377 00:17:00,134 --> 00:17:02,202 I've found the perfect mate for you. 378 00:17:02,269 --> 00:17:05,038 Her name is Barbie, and she's from Malibu. 379 00:17:05,106 --> 00:17:07,574 Now, she has a boyfriend named Ken, 380 00:17:07,642 --> 00:17:09,175 but he's not much of a man. 381 00:17:09,243 --> 00:17:10,811 I checked. 382 00:17:10,879 --> 00:17:13,213 Mom, your book is ruining my life. 383 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:15,649 Now, Jay, you're only saying that 384 00:17:15,717 --> 00:17:17,951 because you resent my success. 385 00:17:18,019 --> 00:17:21,922 You think old women should just curl up and rot away. 386 00:17:21,990 --> 00:17:24,691 Oh, oh. 387 00:17:24,759 --> 00:17:26,259 It's times like this 388 00:17:26,327 --> 00:17:28,795 that I wish I had tear ducts. 389 00:17:29,330 --> 00:17:30,664 Oh. 390 00:17:30,732 --> 00:17:31,665 Oh. 391 00:17:32,433 --> 00:17:33,800 Oh... 392 00:17:33,868 --> 00:17:35,468 Well, I don't know. 393 00:17:35,537 --> 00:17:37,671 Maybe it's just a big thing to me. 394 00:17:37,739 --> 00:17:40,941 Oink, oink. Oink, oink. Oink, oink. 395 00:17:44,378 --> 00:17:46,379 It's not the real Jay sherman, 396 00:17:46,447 --> 00:17:48,448 but an incredible simulation. 397 00:17:51,185 --> 00:17:52,719 Hey, vlada, 398 00:17:52,787 --> 00:17:55,622 you think any of your customers could give tiny a good home? 399 00:17:55,690 --> 00:17:58,892 Why, I would gladly take him myself. 400 00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:02,763 ♪ Oh, the t-bone's connected to the mutt loaf ♪ 401 00:18:02,830 --> 00:18:05,999 ♪ the mutt loaf's connected to the spot roast ♪ 402 00:18:06,067 --> 00:18:08,735 I will not let you cook my dog. 403 00:18:08,803 --> 00:18:11,471 Are you suggesting I serve him raw? 404 00:18:11,539 --> 00:18:13,640 Oh, it would save on the electricicals. 405 00:18:13,708 --> 00:18:14,841 Give me that! 406 00:18:28,189 --> 00:18:29,790 [Electric buzzing] 407 00:18:32,226 --> 00:18:36,930 [People screaming] Ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem. 408 00:18:37,899 --> 00:18:39,600 Welcome to phillipsland, 409 00:18:39,667 --> 00:18:40,934 home of that log ride 410 00:18:41,002 --> 00:18:43,303 that makes you look like you wet your pants. 411 00:18:43,370 --> 00:18:44,638 [Laughing] 412 00:18:44,706 --> 00:18:47,107 And now, the creator of the fat little pig, 413 00:18:47,174 --> 00:18:48,675 Ms. Eleanor sherman. 414 00:18:48,743 --> 00:18:50,844 [Audience clapping] 415 00:18:50,912 --> 00:18:52,412 I just want you to know 416 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:54,815 that all the proceeds from this ride 417 00:18:54,882 --> 00:18:57,383 go to the Eleanor sherman foundation 418 00:18:57,451 --> 00:19:00,320 for blasting the poor into space. 419 00:19:00,387 --> 00:19:02,288 (All) We want the pig! 420 00:19:02,356 --> 00:19:04,290 We want the pig! 421 00:19:04,358 --> 00:19:06,059 We want the pig! 422 00:19:06,127 --> 00:19:07,427 There he is! 423 00:19:07,495 --> 00:19:08,662 [Snorting] 424 00:19:08,730 --> 00:19:10,063 [Screaming] 425 00:19:10,131 --> 00:19:11,264 Rub his belly! 426 00:19:11,332 --> 00:19:12,398 Grease him up! 427 00:19:12,466 --> 00:19:13,700 Make him squeal! 428 00:19:18,305 --> 00:19:19,940 I'm not a pig! 429 00:19:20,008 --> 00:19:22,075 I am a human being! 430 00:19:22,143 --> 00:19:24,344 And I have feelings, too. 431 00:19:24,411 --> 00:19:26,146 And if you think about it, 432 00:19:26,213 --> 00:19:29,149 I bet there's a scared, fat little pig 433 00:19:29,216 --> 00:19:30,884 inside each of you. 434 00:19:32,754 --> 00:19:33,887 Get him for showing us 435 00:19:33,955 --> 00:19:35,455 the truth about ourselves! 436 00:19:35,523 --> 00:19:37,223 (All) Yeah! 437 00:19:37,291 --> 00:19:39,660 [All yelling] 438 00:19:42,697 --> 00:19:43,864 He's getting away! 439 00:19:43,931 --> 00:19:44,998 Somebody stop him! 440 00:19:45,066 --> 00:19:47,134 Make him squeal! 441 00:19:47,201 --> 00:19:49,202 Dear God, what have I done? 442 00:19:52,023 --> 00:19:52,939 What's going on? 443 00:19:53,007 --> 00:19:55,341 Eleanor sherman is signing her new book. 444 00:19:55,409 --> 00:19:56,810 Why is everyone so angry? 445 00:19:56,878 --> 00:19:59,830 Haven't you heard? She killed off the fat little pig. 446 00:19:59,897 --> 00:20:00,998 ♪ Good night, porky 447 00:20:01,066 --> 00:20:03,033 ♪ you made me look so dorky 448 00:20:03,101 --> 00:20:04,802 ♪ they killed you in new yorky ♪ 449 00:20:04,869 --> 00:20:06,670 ♪ I hope you rot in hell 450 00:20:06,738 --> 00:20:08,105 how did he die, anyway? 451 00:20:08,172 --> 00:20:09,372 He had a heart attack 452 00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:12,142 while singing and doing a stupid dance. 453 00:20:12,644 --> 00:20:13,644 Ooh! 454 00:20:15,814 --> 00:20:17,081 [Groaning] 455 00:20:23,221 --> 00:20:25,956 Mrs. sherman, how could you kill off your own creation? 456 00:20:26,024 --> 00:20:28,659 Because it was hurting someone I love. 457 00:20:30,929 --> 00:20:31,929 Thanks, mom. 458 00:20:31,997 --> 00:20:33,430 You're welcome, sow. 459 00:20:33,498 --> 00:20:34,665 I mean son. 460 00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:36,433 [Growling] 461 00:20:36,501 --> 00:20:38,035 What a nice doggie. 462 00:20:38,103 --> 00:20:39,269 Sit! 463 00:20:39,337 --> 00:20:41,605 [Whimpering] 464 00:20:41,673 --> 00:20:43,440 Wow. He never listens to me. 465 00:20:43,508 --> 00:20:45,308 I have a way with animals. 466 00:20:45,376 --> 00:20:47,711 I once taught a fish to play badminton. 467 00:20:50,115 --> 00:20:52,683 Match point, floppy. 468 00:20:52,751 --> 00:20:54,317 Hey, why don't you take tiny? 469 00:20:54,385 --> 00:20:56,053 He'd be happier out in the country, 470 00:20:56,121 --> 00:20:58,856 and he can fill your lonely days with love. 471 00:20:58,923 --> 00:21:00,357 Thank you for the dog, 472 00:21:00,424 --> 00:21:02,860 and thank you for the glib, self-serving solution 473 00:21:02,927 --> 00:21:05,395 to my fragile emotional state. 474 00:21:05,463 --> 00:21:06,864 You're welcome. 475 00:21:15,273 --> 00:21:16,506 [Grunting] 476 00:21:18,009 --> 00:21:19,309 Good night, critic fans, 477 00:21:19,377 --> 00:21:20,844 and a special good night 478 00:21:20,912 --> 00:21:24,114 to those of you just tuning in for home improvement. 479 00:21:24,182 --> 00:21:26,449 ♪[Merrie melodies theme playing] 480 00:21:37,461 --> 00:21:38,729 [Chomping] 481 00:21:42,834 --> 00:21:44,068 [Slurping] 482 00:22:20,571 --> 00:22:22,239 (Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated. 483 00:22:22,306 --> 00:22:23,306 No celebrities were harmed 484 00:22:23,374 --> 00:22:25,542 in the filming of this episode. 485 00:22:29,214 --> 00:22:31,048 Excuse me, sir. The show's over. 486 00:22:31,116 --> 00:22:33,016 But I have nowhere to go. 487 00:22:34,819 --> 00:22:35,953 [Chattering] 488 00:22:36,020 --> 00:22:36,954 Shh!