1 00:00:19,702 --> 00:00:21,536 [Phone ringing] 2 00:00:22,171 --> 00:00:23,871 Hello? 3 00:00:23,939 --> 00:00:26,475 (Woman) Jay, this is your pharmacist. Instead of hair restorer, 4 00:00:26,542 --> 00:00:29,111 we accidentally sent you preparation "h". 5 00:00:45,194 --> 00:00:46,261 [Ice cracking] 6 00:00:46,329 --> 00:00:47,895 [All screaming] 7 00:00:47,963 --> 00:00:49,397 [All groaning] 8 00:00:53,936 --> 00:00:55,737 ♪[Singing] 9 00:00:55,804 --> 00:00:57,105 [Screaming] 10 00:00:58,608 --> 00:00:59,907 It stinks. 11 00:01:01,710 --> 00:01:02,644 [Remote clicks] 12 00:01:12,921 --> 00:01:14,456 Hello, I'm Jay sherman, 13 00:01:14,524 --> 00:01:16,391 and this is coming attractions. 14 00:01:16,459 --> 00:01:19,427 Tonight, we'll be reviewing a few more good men, 15 00:01:19,495 --> 00:01:20,895 starring Jack Nicholson 16 00:01:20,963 --> 00:01:23,465 with co-stars Christian slater and William devane. 17 00:01:24,867 --> 00:01:26,201 I want the truth. 18 00:01:26,269 --> 00:01:27,835 You can't handle the truth. 19 00:01:27,903 --> 00:01:29,404 I can handle the truth. 20 00:01:29,472 --> 00:01:32,507 The truth is you talk like me, you act like me, 21 00:01:32,575 --> 00:01:35,076 you don't have an original bone in your body. 22 00:01:35,144 --> 00:01:37,145 That's a freakin' lie. 23 00:01:37,213 --> 00:01:39,548 Could the stenographer read that last part back? 24 00:01:39,615 --> 00:01:42,517 What am I, a freakin' myna bird? 25 00:01:42,585 --> 00:01:43,951 Feh. 26 00:01:44,019 --> 00:01:46,288 We'll also be looking at Tim Burton's latest film, 27 00:01:46,355 --> 00:01:48,523 the nightmare before hanukkah. 28 00:01:50,025 --> 00:01:51,993 ♪[Klezmer music playing] 29 00:01:56,432 --> 00:01:58,433 [Munching] 30 00:01:58,501 --> 00:02:01,936 Excuse me. Is this hanukkah town? 31 00:02:02,004 --> 00:02:05,440 No, it's the Vatican and I'm pope shlomo. Oy. 32 00:02:06,509 --> 00:02:07,942 And...Cut. 33 00:02:09,745 --> 00:02:12,514 Doris, I hate to ask, but did the ratings come in? 34 00:02:12,582 --> 00:02:14,249 Yeah. You're getting your butt kicked 35 00:02:14,317 --> 00:02:16,351 by the benedictine monk variety hour. 36 00:02:18,053 --> 00:02:21,389 ♪ Oh 37 00:02:21,457 --> 00:02:25,293 ♪ pretty woman, you are so bodacious ♪ 38 00:02:25,361 --> 00:02:29,564 ♪ pretty woman, just like St. ignatius ♪ 39 00:02:29,632 --> 00:02:31,333 we've got a great show tonight 40 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:34,236 with our special guest star, the pope. 41 00:02:34,303 --> 00:02:35,403 [Karate yell] 44 00:02:39,342 --> 00:02:41,343 Oh, I can't compete with that. 45 00:02:41,410 --> 00:02:43,177 The boss is gonna yell at me. 46 00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:45,046 Yeah, he yells at everybody. 47 00:02:45,114 --> 00:02:47,515 You should worry if he starts being nice to you. 48 00:02:47,583 --> 00:02:50,118 That's when you're about to get fired. 49 00:02:50,185 --> 00:02:52,654 Hello, handsome. 50 00:02:52,722 --> 00:02:54,489 How's my special little guy? 51 00:02:54,557 --> 00:02:56,391 That's it. I'm doomed. 52 00:02:56,459 --> 00:02:57,959 Look, son, I like you, 53 00:02:58,026 --> 00:03:00,528 but I'm afraid I've started interviewing replacements. 54 00:03:00,596 --> 00:03:02,163 These guys are killing you. 55 00:03:02,231 --> 00:03:04,232 Uh, John Paul ii, 56 00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:06,568 general hospital and Dan quayle. 57 00:03:08,804 --> 00:03:11,306 Name a pope, a soap and a dope. 58 00:03:11,374 --> 00:03:12,607 [Audience applauds] 59 00:03:12,675 --> 00:03:14,108 [Laughing] 60 00:03:14,176 --> 00:03:17,545 You've taken a vow of comedy. 61 00:03:17,613 --> 00:03:20,214 Doris, I can't lose this job. It's all I know how to do. 62 00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:22,817 Oh, come on. Everyone has hidden talents. 63 00:03:22,885 --> 00:03:26,154 Like me. I'm a whiz with smoke rings. Watch. 64 00:03:29,358 --> 00:03:33,060 [Diabolically] Doris, tick-tock. 65 00:03:33,128 --> 00:03:34,929 That was supposed to be a bunny. 66 00:03:34,997 --> 00:03:37,632 ♪[All day and all of the night by the kinks playing] 67 00:03:37,700 --> 00:03:39,567 [Thunder rumbling] 68 00:03:39,635 --> 00:03:43,220 (Man on radio) And now back to the very best of Howard stern. 69 00:03:43,289 --> 00:03:46,190 (Stern) Now, Robin, here's something else I do on the toilet. 70 00:03:46,258 --> 00:03:47,392 [Laughing] 71 00:03:47,459 --> 00:03:48,926 Toilet. 72 00:03:48,994 --> 00:03:51,362 If that's what passes for intelligent public discourse, 73 00:03:51,430 --> 00:03:52,997 no wonder I'm getting fired. 74 00:03:53,064 --> 00:03:54,265 [Sighing] 75 00:03:54,333 --> 00:03:56,200 Have you ever felt like you're completely alone? 76 00:03:56,268 --> 00:03:58,119 [Speaking gibberish] 77 00:03:59,087 --> 00:04:00,504 Oh, forget it. 78 00:04:05,177 --> 00:04:06,310 [Thunder rumbling] 79 00:04:06,378 --> 00:04:07,345 Oh. 80 00:04:12,985 --> 00:04:15,653 I'm so tired, mama. Pick me up. 81 00:04:15,721 --> 00:04:16,921 Hey, I'm walkin', here. 82 00:04:16,989 --> 00:04:18,089 [Yells] 83 00:04:18,157 --> 00:04:19,323 Oh, that poor woman. 84 00:04:23,996 --> 00:04:26,197 Mama, a stranger's comin'. 85 00:04:26,265 --> 00:04:28,432 Don't worry, I've got my pepper spray. 86 00:04:30,803 --> 00:04:31,936 [Smacking lips] 87 00:04:32,004 --> 00:04:33,838 Hmm, jalapeno. 88 00:04:33,906 --> 00:04:36,074 Look, I just wanted to offer to share my cab. 89 00:04:36,142 --> 00:04:38,542 Sorry. I hate not being friendly, 90 00:04:38,610 --> 00:04:40,411 but this is New York. 91 00:04:40,479 --> 00:04:42,147 You know, you look familiar. 92 00:04:42,214 --> 00:04:44,983 I'm Jay sherman, the famous film critic. 93 00:04:45,050 --> 00:04:47,451 I used to have a big show on a. B.C... 94 00:04:47,519 --> 00:04:48,920 For about a week. 95 00:04:52,357 --> 00:04:55,226 I'm Alice tompkins and this is my daughter, penny. 96 00:04:55,294 --> 00:04:57,228 You didn't like the lion king. 97 00:04:57,296 --> 00:04:58,663 You're mean. 98 00:04:59,364 --> 00:05:00,498 Penny! 99 00:05:00,565 --> 00:05:02,633 It's all right. Rex Reed did the same thing. 100 00:05:02,701 --> 00:05:04,302 I'm sorry. 101 00:05:04,369 --> 00:05:06,604 Oh, Rex did that, too. 102 00:05:07,606 --> 00:05:09,674 Sorry again about the pepper spray. 103 00:05:09,741 --> 00:05:10,942 Would you like to come in? 104 00:05:11,010 --> 00:05:13,577 Well, let me check my schedule. 105 00:05:18,350 --> 00:05:20,584 I think I can wedge it in. 106 00:05:21,187 --> 00:05:22,320 [Lock clicking] 107 00:05:25,257 --> 00:05:27,658 Oh, my lord, I look like pat Riley. 108 00:05:29,061 --> 00:05:30,161 Oh, Jay, be careful of the... 109 00:05:31,030 --> 00:05:32,096 Plant. 110 00:05:33,165 --> 00:05:34,199 [Giggling] 111 00:05:34,266 --> 00:05:35,533 Funny man. 112 00:05:37,803 --> 00:05:39,270 Now, Jay, your clothes were soaked, 113 00:05:39,338 --> 00:05:42,807 so I had to put you in one of my old maternity dresses. 114 00:05:42,875 --> 00:05:45,576 On a lesser man, this would look undignified. 115 00:05:45,644 --> 00:05:47,178 Are you gonna have puppies? 116 00:05:47,246 --> 00:05:49,113 Shouldn't you be watching some cartoon 117 00:05:49,181 --> 00:05:50,414 filled with pointless violence? 118 00:05:51,550 --> 00:05:52,550 Ow. 119 00:05:52,617 --> 00:05:53,584 [Giggling] 120 00:05:53,652 --> 00:05:54,752 Funny man. 121 00:05:57,089 --> 00:05:58,022 [Sizzling] 122 00:05:59,225 --> 00:06:00,491 Is that penny's dad? 123 00:06:00,559 --> 00:06:02,260 Yeah, that's Cyrus. 124 00:06:02,328 --> 00:06:04,062 I was waiting tables in Knoxville 125 00:06:04,129 --> 00:06:06,364 while Cyrus tried to make it as a country singer. 126 00:06:06,431 --> 00:06:09,033 But then I began to suspect he was cheatin' on me. 127 00:06:09,101 --> 00:06:11,102 How? It was in his songs. 128 00:06:11,170 --> 00:06:13,738 My lyin' heart, daddy's steppin' out. 129 00:06:13,805 --> 00:06:15,073 And then his album: 130 00:06:15,140 --> 00:06:17,942 I'm bein' unfaithful to my wife, Alice tompkins. 131 00:06:18,010 --> 00:06:20,879 You heard me. Alice tompkins. 132 00:06:20,946 --> 00:06:22,646 Well, I, too, know the pain 133 00:06:22,714 --> 00:06:24,715 of a faithless spouse. 134 00:06:24,783 --> 00:06:27,685 Ardeth, this court awards you the house, the car, 135 00:06:27,753 --> 00:06:30,221 and that lamp in the bedroom I really like. 136 00:06:30,289 --> 00:06:31,522 [Growls] 137 00:06:31,590 --> 00:06:32,957 Thanks, lover. 138 00:06:33,025 --> 00:06:35,559 [Growls] 139 00:06:35,627 --> 00:06:38,496 Here's to finding people who deserve us more. 140 00:06:40,132 --> 00:06:42,733 (Jay) Mmm-mmm. Good cocoa. 141 00:06:42,801 --> 00:06:45,937 Now it's time to flash her that Jay sherman smile. 142 00:06:47,339 --> 00:06:49,607 So, why'd you come to New York, anyway? 143 00:06:49,674 --> 00:06:50,975 I wanted to show penny 144 00:06:51,043 --> 00:06:53,311 that a woman could make it without a man. 145 00:06:53,379 --> 00:06:55,380 I'm smart, I 'm good with numbers, 146 00:06:55,447 --> 00:06:57,015 I'm handy with a paintbrush. 147 00:07:00,986 --> 00:07:03,988 Wow. I don't know how I missed that before. 148 00:07:04,056 --> 00:07:05,556 So I come up here to New York, 149 00:07:05,624 --> 00:07:07,926 hopin' somehow, when I least expected it, 150 00:07:07,993 --> 00:07:09,860 opportunity would come a-knockin'. 151 00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:10,962 [Knocking on door] 152 00:07:11,030 --> 00:07:11,963 [Both gasp] 153 00:07:14,266 --> 00:07:16,067 Ms. Alice tompkins? Yes? 154 00:07:16,135 --> 00:07:17,936 I've got some news for you. 155 00:07:18,003 --> 00:07:20,905 It's your ticket out of this run-down flophouse. 156 00:07:20,973 --> 00:07:22,873 Oh, that's wonderful! 157 00:07:24,276 --> 00:07:25,743 You're evicted! 158 00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,280 I'm sorry. 159 00:07:29,348 --> 00:07:31,449 If there's anything I could do to cheer you up... 160 00:07:32,851 --> 00:07:33,985 [Laughing] 161 00:07:34,053 --> 00:07:36,287 Very good. Now I must be going. 162 00:07:40,692 --> 00:07:41,826 Jay, did that hurt? 163 00:07:41,893 --> 00:07:43,594 No, but this will. 164 00:07:43,662 --> 00:07:44,996 Ow. Ow. Ow. 165 00:07:45,064 --> 00:07:45,997 [Cat yowls] 166 00:07:51,170 --> 00:07:54,005 Our last film tonight stars tom Hanks in 167 00:07:54,073 --> 00:07:56,975 Forrest Gump 2: Gump harder. 168 00:07:58,410 --> 00:08:01,145 Mr. president, I'm Forrest Gump, 169 00:08:01,213 --> 00:08:03,214 owner of bubba gump shrimp. 170 00:08:03,282 --> 00:08:05,216 Shrimp? I love shrimp. 171 00:08:05,284 --> 00:08:07,518 Shrimp cocktails, shrimp scampi, 172 00:08:07,586 --> 00:08:09,753 shrimp puffs, shrimp kebab, 173 00:08:09,821 --> 00:08:11,555 peanut butter and shrimp sandwiches, 174 00:08:11,623 --> 00:08:13,858 shrimp milkshakes, shrimp wine, 175 00:08:13,925 --> 00:08:15,360 count shrimpula cereal, 176 00:08:15,427 --> 00:08:17,862 and blueberry pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream, 177 00:08:17,929 --> 00:08:19,763 a little brown sugar and some shrimp. 178 00:08:19,831 --> 00:08:22,800 You sure like shrimp, Mr. president. 179 00:08:22,868 --> 00:08:25,370 Did you say shrimp? I love shrimp. 180 00:08:25,437 --> 00:08:27,538 Shrimp cocktail, shrimp scampi, 181 00:08:27,606 --> 00:08:29,740 shrimp puffs, shrimp kebab... 182 00:08:29,808 --> 00:08:32,043 I enjoyed this film. Especially the buckets 183 00:08:32,111 --> 00:08:34,412 of fried shrimp they gave out at the premiere. 184 00:08:35,114 --> 00:08:36,047 [Gobbling] 185 00:08:38,183 --> 00:08:40,385 Oh, I just remembered. I'm allergic to shrimp! 186 00:08:41,686 --> 00:08:43,421 Makeup! 187 00:08:43,489 --> 00:08:46,124 Doris, I need your advice on a personal matter. 188 00:08:46,191 --> 00:08:48,493 For the last time, forget the pec implants 189 00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,428 and go right for the tummy tuck. 190 00:08:50,496 --> 00:08:52,596 (Stomach) Tummy tuck! I don't like the sound of that. 191 00:08:52,664 --> 00:08:54,298 Hush, you. 192 00:08:54,366 --> 00:08:55,766 Look, I just met this woman. 193 00:08:55,834 --> 00:08:58,036 She's about to be evicted. She has no money. 194 00:08:58,103 --> 00:08:59,703 I know I've got to help her, 195 00:08:59,771 --> 00:09:01,705 but how do you give money to someone you hardly know? 196 00:09:01,773 --> 00:09:04,275 At this point in your career, little squirrel, 197 00:09:04,343 --> 00:09:07,545 I'd be hoarding my nuts. Winter's coming. 198 00:09:07,612 --> 00:09:10,681 Duke, don't you have anything better to do? 199 00:09:10,749 --> 00:09:13,984 Well, it is time for my 15-second workout. 200 00:09:15,620 --> 00:09:17,221 [Exhales noisily] 201 00:09:21,660 --> 00:09:23,361 [Both grunting] 202 00:09:25,464 --> 00:09:27,198 Now, about that lady friend of yours. 203 00:09:27,266 --> 00:09:29,500 I say slip her the money without her knowin'. 204 00:09:29,568 --> 00:09:32,203 The best charity is always anonymous. 205 00:09:32,271 --> 00:09:33,604 What about that? 206 00:09:33,672 --> 00:09:37,475 [Chanting] All hail Duke. Duke is life. 207 00:09:37,543 --> 00:09:41,312 All hail Duke. Duke is life. 208 00:09:41,380 --> 00:09:42,380 All... 209 00:09:42,448 --> 00:09:44,648 [sputtering] 210 00:09:44,716 --> 00:09:46,750 Pigeons seem to like the sound of my... 211 00:09:47,553 --> 00:09:49,019 [choking] 212 00:09:50,622 --> 00:09:51,956 [Birds chirping] 213 00:09:54,626 --> 00:09:57,095 Hmm, the perfect crime. 214 00:09:57,162 --> 00:09:58,896 What's the perfect crime, Jay? 215 00:09:58,964 --> 00:10:00,898 Ah! If you live there, then who... 216 00:10:00,966 --> 00:10:04,202 All right! Time to buy me an uzi. 217 00:10:06,171 --> 00:10:08,172 Jay, were you trying to give me money? 218 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:11,409 No. I was giving it to my good friend, 219 00:10:11,477 --> 00:10:13,177 uh, crazy postman. 220 00:10:13,245 --> 00:10:15,079 Look, I do not take charity. 221 00:10:15,147 --> 00:10:17,781 Daddy only gave me one thing: His pride. 222 00:10:17,849 --> 00:10:18,949 His prod? 223 00:10:19,017 --> 00:10:20,551 No, his pride. 224 00:10:20,619 --> 00:10:22,086 His broad? 225 00:10:22,154 --> 00:10:23,754 No, his pride. 226 00:10:23,822 --> 00:10:25,356 His... forget it. 227 00:10:25,424 --> 00:10:27,925 If you don't want a gift, how about a job? 228 00:10:27,993 --> 00:10:29,893 I've been looking for a personal assistant. 229 00:10:29,961 --> 00:10:32,830 My old one left over "creative differences." 230 00:10:32,897 --> 00:10:35,099 I can't reassure him anymore. 231 00:10:35,167 --> 00:10:38,336 "Yes, your tie is ok." "No, you're not too fat." 232 00:10:38,403 --> 00:10:40,271 "You can hardly tell it's a toupee." 233 00:10:40,339 --> 00:10:41,705 [Shuddering] 234 00:10:41,773 --> 00:10:43,141 I don't wanna take a job 235 00:10:43,208 --> 00:10:45,176 just because you feel sorry for me. 236 00:10:45,244 --> 00:10:46,877 That's the way I get all my jobs. 237 00:10:46,945 --> 00:10:48,212 Oh, hush. 238 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:49,580 Look, I want you to work for me 239 00:10:49,648 --> 00:10:51,382 because you're bright, you're talented. 240 00:10:51,450 --> 00:10:53,083 Well, I did paint that mural 241 00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:54,885 on the exposed brick wall. 242 00:10:59,525 --> 00:11:01,459 I don't know how I keep missing these things. 243 00:11:01,527 --> 00:11:03,093 Well, I am tempted, 244 00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:04,428 but there is one more reason 245 00:11:04,496 --> 00:11:05,963 I shouldn't work for you. 246 00:11:06,031 --> 00:11:08,633 Oh, are the first 2 letters "b. O."? 247 00:11:08,700 --> 00:11:10,801 No, if I take the job, 248 00:11:10,869 --> 00:11:13,204 it'll be impossible for us to date. 249 00:11:13,272 --> 00:11:14,505 We were gonna date! 250 00:11:14,573 --> 00:11:17,908 I mean, tell me more, my Dixie riddle cup. 251 00:11:17,976 --> 00:11:21,445 Honey, I am a little attracted to ya. 252 00:11:21,513 --> 00:11:23,614 So what should we do? 253 00:11:23,682 --> 00:11:25,283 Don't take the job. I'll take the job. 254 00:11:25,350 --> 00:11:26,317 Excellent! 255 00:11:26,385 --> 00:11:27,351 [Crunching] 256 00:11:27,419 --> 00:11:28,586 Jay, did that hurt? 257 00:11:28,654 --> 00:11:30,154 No, I severed the nerve. 258 00:11:30,222 --> 00:11:31,589 Now the first thing we have to do 259 00:11:31,657 --> 00:11:33,123 is type up my resume. 260 00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:34,592 I'm getting fired! 261 00:11:34,660 --> 00:11:37,361 Why would anybody fire you? You're terrific. 262 00:11:37,429 --> 00:11:40,631 There's only one thing I'd change about you. 263 00:11:40,699 --> 00:11:43,267 (Stomach) It's me. I know it. Everyone's against me. 264 00:11:43,335 --> 00:11:44,535 It's your wardrobe. 265 00:11:44,603 --> 00:11:46,937 When was the last time a woman dressed you? 266 00:11:47,005 --> 00:11:48,138 Well... 267 00:11:49,374 --> 00:11:50,741 [Birds chirping] 268 00:11:50,809 --> 00:11:53,177 Have fun at summer camp, son. 269 00:11:53,245 --> 00:11:54,445 [Tires screeching] 270 00:11:54,513 --> 00:11:56,180 Sweetie, I think that was the bus 271 00:11:56,248 --> 00:11:57,481 to attica prison. 272 00:11:57,549 --> 00:12:00,251 Oh. Well, Jay can be their little mascot. 273 00:12:05,457 --> 00:12:08,593 In every boy's life, there's a summer of '72. 274 00:12:08,660 --> 00:12:10,228 Jay, I'm gonna turn you 275 00:12:10,295 --> 00:12:11,862 into a sharp-dressed man. 276 00:12:23,208 --> 00:12:24,875 [Audience cheering] 277 00:12:25,910 --> 00:12:27,144 (Man) Very attractive. 278 00:12:27,212 --> 00:12:29,980 Hey, welcome to the new coming attractions 279 00:12:30,048 --> 00:12:33,351 where we now emphasize style over substance. 280 00:12:33,418 --> 00:12:34,652 We'll review 4 flicks, 281 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:37,921 but first, something for the chicks. 282 00:12:37,989 --> 00:12:39,823 ♪[Disco music playing] 283 00:12:45,864 --> 00:12:46,897 What's the deal? 284 00:12:46,965 --> 00:12:49,333 Is this some kinda Jewish holiday? 285 00:12:50,502 --> 00:12:52,035 Shalom! 286 00:12:52,103 --> 00:12:54,204 The ratings just jumped 50 percent. 287 00:12:54,273 --> 00:12:55,839 From squat to squat-and-a-half. 288 00:12:55,907 --> 00:12:56,974 [Laughing] 289 00:12:57,041 --> 00:12:58,709 Tonight, the people who gave us 290 00:12:58,777 --> 00:13:00,844 tom cruise as a vampire, 291 00:13:00,912 --> 00:13:04,948 now bring us Al Pacino in scent of a wolfman. 292 00:13:06,485 --> 00:13:08,352 Who gets the raw dead goat? 293 00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:09,420 That would be me. 294 00:13:10,455 --> 00:13:11,855 [Howling] 295 00:13:11,923 --> 00:13:14,858 Hoo-hah! Now come on, Charlie. I wanna get a drink. 296 00:13:15,594 --> 00:13:16,794 [Lapping] 297 00:13:17,562 --> 00:13:18,562 [Slurps] 298 00:13:18,630 --> 00:13:20,831 Now let's get some exercise. 299 00:13:20,899 --> 00:13:22,232 [Whirring] 300 00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:23,534 Hoo-hah! 301 00:13:23,602 --> 00:13:25,770 Normally, this is where I review the movie. 302 00:13:25,837 --> 00:13:27,438 But I feel so good, 303 00:13:27,506 --> 00:13:29,840 I thought I'd pose for you some more. 304 00:13:29,908 --> 00:13:31,776 ♪[Disco music playing] 305 00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:36,380 [Audience cheering] 306 00:13:36,448 --> 00:13:38,616 [Laughing] Now that's what I call 307 00:13:38,684 --> 00:13:40,184 film criticism. 308 00:13:45,524 --> 00:13:47,090 Great show, little buddy. 309 00:13:47,158 --> 00:13:48,592 Your job is safe. 310 00:13:48,660 --> 00:13:51,161 Boss, this is my assistant, Alice tompkins. 311 00:13:51,229 --> 00:13:53,431 She's the one who really turned my show around. 312 00:13:53,498 --> 00:13:55,199 It's nice to meet you, sir. 313 00:13:55,266 --> 00:13:57,034 I'll never forget the speech you gave 314 00:13:57,101 --> 00:13:59,102 at my high school graduation. 315 00:13:59,170 --> 00:14:01,138 "I just drank 2 bottles of Tequila. 316 00:14:01,206 --> 00:14:02,906 "My wife doesn't know I'm here. 317 00:14:02,974 --> 00:14:04,675 "Any of you girls over 18?" 318 00:14:04,743 --> 00:14:07,110 I still give that speech today. 319 00:14:07,178 --> 00:14:08,579 You know, Southern people like us 320 00:14:08,647 --> 00:14:10,815 have to work extra hard here in New York. 321 00:14:10,882 --> 00:14:12,249 People hear the way we talk 322 00:14:12,317 --> 00:14:15,285 and just assume we're illiterate country bumpkins. 323 00:14:16,588 --> 00:14:18,689 ♪ We're the bears who sing for Duke ♪ 324 00:14:18,757 --> 00:14:20,891 ♪ doo-dah, doo-dah 325 00:14:20,959 --> 00:14:23,026 ♪ drinkin' moonshine till we puke ♪ 326 00:14:23,094 --> 00:14:24,228 ♪ all the doo-dah 327 00:14:24,295 --> 00:14:25,396 [hiccups] 328 00:14:25,464 --> 00:14:26,430 [Laughing] 329 00:14:26,498 --> 00:14:28,966 Big, dumb, belchin' bear. 330 00:14:29,033 --> 00:14:31,134 ♪ We're the bears who sing for Duke ♪ 331 00:14:31,202 --> 00:14:32,169 ♪ doo-dah 332 00:14:32,237 --> 00:14:34,739 maybe we should leave them alone. 333 00:14:41,279 --> 00:14:43,914 ♪ I'm a happy critic, short and stout ♪ 334 00:14:43,982 --> 00:14:45,315 ♪ I'll have the brisket 335 00:14:45,384 --> 00:14:46,517 ♪ sorry, we're out 336 00:14:46,585 --> 00:14:47,718 [sighing] 337 00:14:47,786 --> 00:14:49,086 Hey, Jeremy. 338 00:14:49,153 --> 00:14:52,055 Jay, good to see you, mate. How's your new assistant? 339 00:14:52,123 --> 00:14:53,824 Jer', she's changed my life. 340 00:14:53,892 --> 00:14:55,893 My show is better, she makes me laugh... 341 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:58,061 Have you done the dirty dingo? 342 00:14:58,129 --> 00:14:59,997 No, it's not that kind of relationship. 343 00:15:00,064 --> 00:15:02,299 We're just friends. We are together all day, 344 00:15:02,367 --> 00:15:04,802 but I never touch her porcelain skin, 345 00:15:04,870 --> 00:15:06,970 her soft, red lips, like rose petals 346 00:15:07,038 --> 00:15:09,072 from the emperor's bathwater. 347 00:15:09,140 --> 00:15:10,741 Bathwater, I tell you! 348 00:15:10,809 --> 00:15:13,010 Bathwater! 349 00:15:13,077 --> 00:15:14,779 Look, bubbee, you can't go on like this. 350 00:15:14,846 --> 00:15:16,013 You're right. 351 00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:17,848 I want you to go to that woman's house tonight 352 00:15:17,916 --> 00:15:19,216 and tell her how you feel about her! 353 00:15:19,284 --> 00:15:20,384 I'll do it. 354 00:15:20,452 --> 00:15:22,219 In the words of the poet, "carpe canem." 355 00:15:22,287 --> 00:15:23,287 Yes! 356 00:15:26,157 --> 00:15:28,759 "Carpe canem?" Seize the dog? 357 00:15:28,827 --> 00:15:29,927 You heard me. 358 00:15:29,994 --> 00:15:34,031 Yes! Seize the dog! Seize the dog! 359 00:15:34,098 --> 00:15:36,801 This can't be right. This can't be right. 360 00:15:36,868 --> 00:15:38,436 [Whining] 361 00:15:38,503 --> 00:15:40,704 Wish me luck, dog. I'm in love! 362 00:15:40,772 --> 00:15:41,872 [Dog thudding] 363 00:15:44,810 --> 00:15:48,211 Alice, I wanted to tell you exactly how I feel about you. 364 00:15:48,279 --> 00:15:49,980 Oh, Jay, 365 00:15:50,048 --> 00:15:52,082 this is my husband, Cyrus. 366 00:16:00,258 --> 00:16:02,726 Cyrus, this is my boss, Jay. 367 00:16:02,794 --> 00:16:05,295 I want to thank you for helping my wife and my little girl. 368 00:16:05,363 --> 00:16:07,030 It's, uh, more than I did. 369 00:16:07,098 --> 00:16:08,866 Well, there are a lot of people in New York 370 00:16:08,934 --> 00:16:10,133 who would've done what I did. 371 00:16:10,201 --> 00:16:11,602 They're called putzes. 372 00:16:11,670 --> 00:16:13,938 Hmm, I like pepperoni on my putzes. 373 00:16:14,005 --> 00:16:15,506 I'll bet you do. 374 00:16:15,574 --> 00:16:18,476 Penny, why don't you go show Jay your dollies? 375 00:16:18,543 --> 00:16:19,477 Hmm... 376 00:16:20,612 --> 00:16:22,079 [Thuds] 377 00:16:22,146 --> 00:16:24,648 This is the worst night of my life. 378 00:16:24,716 --> 00:16:27,417 Oh! It's time for Humphrey the hippo. 379 00:16:27,486 --> 00:16:28,719 Hey, kids! 380 00:16:28,787 --> 00:16:32,389 Let's welcome our special guest, Madonna! 381 00:16:32,457 --> 00:16:33,824 Hey, Madonna! 382 00:16:33,892 --> 00:16:35,392 [Bleeping] Don't... with me, hippo. 383 00:16:35,460 --> 00:16:37,327 Hey, do you eat with that mouth? 384 00:16:37,395 --> 00:16:38,596 Yeah. And I also... 385 00:16:38,663 --> 00:16:40,798 [Bleeping] ...With it. 386 00:16:40,866 --> 00:16:42,199 [Exclaiming] 387 00:16:42,266 --> 00:16:43,934 Look, Cyrus, it's over. 388 00:16:44,002 --> 00:16:46,236 I loved you and you cheated on me. 389 00:16:46,304 --> 00:16:48,038 Y-yeah, but doesn't the Bible say, 390 00:16:48,106 --> 00:16:50,941 "thou shalt forgive thy husband for his fickle pickle?" 391 00:16:51,009 --> 00:16:52,009 [Grunts] 392 00:16:52,076 --> 00:16:53,377 Look, Alice, I've changed. 393 00:16:53,444 --> 00:16:55,145 I mean, can't you at least hear me out? 394 00:16:55,213 --> 00:16:56,580 All right, but not now. 395 00:16:56,648 --> 00:16:58,148 I've gotta let this sink in. 396 00:16:58,216 --> 00:17:00,350 Fine. I'll come back tomorrow. You think it over 397 00:17:00,418 --> 00:17:02,452 and you talk about it with your little gay friend. 398 00:17:02,521 --> 00:17:03,687 Jay is not gay! 399 00:17:03,755 --> 00:17:06,857 (Jay) Thank you. Not that I've been eavesdropping. 400 00:17:11,830 --> 00:17:12,997 [Chomping] 401 00:17:13,064 --> 00:17:14,264 [Bell ringing] 402 00:17:14,332 --> 00:17:16,166 Oh, Mr. Wilson! 403 00:17:16,234 --> 00:17:17,401 What do you want? 404 00:17:18,069 --> 00:17:19,670 [Gun firing] 405 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:23,473 [Glass shattering] 406 00:17:26,678 --> 00:17:29,112 That kid is a pain in the ass. 407 00:17:29,180 --> 00:17:30,981 Listen, can I leave early tonight? 408 00:17:31,049 --> 00:17:32,550 Cyrus is comin' over. 409 00:17:32,617 --> 00:17:34,685 How can you think about going back to that guy? 410 00:17:34,753 --> 00:17:36,787 All right, I've got this weakness, ok? 411 00:17:36,855 --> 00:17:38,722 I know Cyrus is completely wrong for me, 412 00:17:38,790 --> 00:17:40,791 but every time I'm about to kick him out, 413 00:17:40,859 --> 00:17:41,859 he sings to me. 414 00:17:41,927 --> 00:17:42,893 And? 415 00:17:42,961 --> 00:17:44,828 And I melt like butter on a bagel. 416 00:17:44,896 --> 00:17:46,964 God, I've been in New York too long. 417 00:17:47,032 --> 00:17:48,331 Anyway, when Cyrus sings, 418 00:17:48,399 --> 00:17:49,900 it just cuts through all my defenses 419 00:17:49,968 --> 00:17:51,035 and touches my heart. 420 00:17:51,102 --> 00:17:53,103 But he treated you like dirt. 421 00:17:53,171 --> 00:17:55,539 Look, haven't you ever been in a situation 422 00:17:55,607 --> 00:17:56,707 that was bad for you, 423 00:17:56,775 --> 00:17:59,944 but at the same time, you couldn't leave? 424 00:18:00,011 --> 00:18:03,013 (Jay) ♪ animal crackers in my soup ♪ 425 00:18:03,081 --> 00:18:06,050 ♪ lions and tigers loop-Dee-loop ♪ [Audience growling] 426 00:18:06,117 --> 00:18:08,886 ♪ I rub my tummy like a goop ♪ 427 00:18:08,954 --> 00:18:09,987 [giggling] 428 00:18:11,422 --> 00:18:13,356 Look, I'm sorry, but I've got to go. 429 00:18:16,027 --> 00:18:17,928 (Jay) I've gotta do something. 430 00:18:20,665 --> 00:18:22,766 Cyrus, I've given this a lot of thought. 431 00:18:22,834 --> 00:18:24,969 I just can't risk bein' hurt again. 432 00:18:25,036 --> 00:18:27,037 But you can do one decent thing. 433 00:18:27,105 --> 00:18:29,139 Walk out that door, see penny often, 434 00:18:29,207 --> 00:18:30,841 and let's get on with our lives. 435 00:18:30,909 --> 00:18:32,175 I see. 436 00:18:32,243 --> 00:18:33,744 Well, if that's the way you want it. 437 00:18:36,547 --> 00:18:38,348 ♪[Guitar playing] 438 00:18:39,350 --> 00:18:40,550 ♪ Alice 439 00:18:40,619 --> 00:18:42,252 please don't sing to me. 440 00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:44,622 ♪ You make any home a palace 441 00:18:44,689 --> 00:18:47,825 ♪ even Brooklyn would be Dallas ♪ 442 00:18:47,892 --> 00:18:50,661 ♪ if I could be with you 443 00:18:50,729 --> 00:18:51,929 oh, damn. 444 00:18:53,197 --> 00:18:54,898 ♪[Accordion playing] 445 00:18:54,966 --> 00:18:57,334 ♪ Cyrus is just a virus 446 00:18:57,401 --> 00:18:58,869 hey! 447 00:18:58,937 --> 00:19:02,006 ♪ He wants to tie you down while you're still young ♪ 448 00:19:02,073 --> 00:19:05,776 ♪ your potential is what's essential ♪ 449 00:19:05,844 --> 00:19:10,047 ♪ you could someday be another Connie chung ♪ 450 00:19:12,383 --> 00:19:14,451 look, I... I don't know what this looks like to you. 451 00:19:14,519 --> 00:19:15,653 I've lost my ability 452 00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:18,321 to tell between what's cute and what's idiotic. 453 00:19:18,389 --> 00:19:21,291 I just think you should know that you don't need anyone 454 00:19:21,359 --> 00:19:23,393 to choose what's best for you. 455 00:19:23,461 --> 00:19:24,762 It may not be me, 456 00:19:24,829 --> 00:19:27,430 but I'm sure it's not him. 457 00:19:27,498 --> 00:19:29,533 ♪[Strumming guitar] 458 00:19:30,334 --> 00:19:33,003 ♪ Lover 459 00:19:33,071 --> 00:19:35,873 ♪ without you there's no other ♪ 460 00:19:35,940 --> 00:19:38,275 ♪ give him a chance he'll do your mother ♪ 461 00:19:38,342 --> 00:19:39,376 [laughing] 462 00:19:39,443 --> 00:19:40,778 You're right. 463 00:19:40,845 --> 00:19:43,480 Cyrus, it's not working. It's over, darling. 464 00:19:43,548 --> 00:19:45,248 Don't you come back now, you hear? 465 00:19:45,316 --> 00:19:46,684 I'm never gonna give up. 466 00:19:46,751 --> 00:19:48,719 Hey, gorgeous! What's your name? 467 00:19:50,254 --> 00:19:51,588 [Both laughing] 468 00:19:51,656 --> 00:19:53,123 Thank you, Jay. 469 00:19:55,226 --> 00:19:57,360 ♪ Jay 470 00:19:57,428 --> 00:20:00,430 ♪ I'm glad that you're not gay ♪ 471 00:20:00,498 --> 00:20:02,966 ♪ I may show you why some day ♪ 472 00:20:04,736 --> 00:20:05,736 yay. 473 00:20:15,914 --> 00:20:17,280 [Munching] 474 00:20:20,651 --> 00:20:21,919 [Slurping] 475 00:21:20,912 --> 00:21:22,646 (Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated. 476 00:21:22,713 --> 00:21:26,283 No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode. 477 00:21:31,722 --> 00:21:33,991 Uh, excuse me, sir. The show's over. 478 00:21:34,058 --> 00:21:35,993 But I have nowhere to go. 479 00:21:37,262 --> 00:21:38,528 [Chattering] 480 00:21:38,596 --> 00:21:39,562 Shh.