1 00:00:19,718 --> 00:00:22,154 [Alarm buzzing] 2 00:00:22,221 --> 00:00:23,755 (Man on radio) This is Howard stern. 3 00:00:23,822 --> 00:00:26,058 I want to apologize to the following groups: 4 00:00:26,125 --> 00:00:27,692 Latinos, native Americans, 5 00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:29,594 and mothers against drunk drivers. 6 00:00:29,662 --> 00:00:31,430 I guess the only one i can make fun of 7 00:00:31,497 --> 00:00:33,965 is that fat film critic, Jay sherman. 8 00:00:48,948 --> 00:00:50,114 [Ice cracking] 9 00:00:50,116 --> 00:00:51,550 [All screaming] 10 00:00:51,617 --> 00:00:53,085 [All groaning] 11 00:00:57,790 --> 00:00:59,558 ♪[Singing] 12 00:00:59,625 --> 00:01:00,892 [Screaming] 13 00:01:02,695 --> 00:01:03,962 It stinks. 14 00:01:05,764 --> 00:01:06,698 [Remote clicks] 15 00:01:15,374 --> 00:01:18,143 ♪[Tv theme music starts] 16 00:01:18,211 --> 00:01:20,945 Tonight, Clint Eastwood returns as "dirty Harry" 17 00:01:21,013 --> 00:01:26,551 in Beverly hills robo-canine cop-and-a-half ii. 18 00:01:26,619 --> 00:01:29,621 Listen, Callahan. Your partners have a way of dying on you. 19 00:01:29,688 --> 00:01:31,156 So I got you a new rookie. 20 00:01:31,224 --> 00:01:32,857 Fresh from the academy. Hi. 21 00:01:32,925 --> 00:01:34,192 [Exploding] 22 00:01:35,161 --> 00:01:36,595 That's a new one on me. 23 00:01:37,463 --> 00:01:38,796 All right, Callahan, 24 00:01:38,864 --> 00:01:40,965 I've got some new partners for you: 25 00:01:41,033 --> 00:01:42,700 A woman, a cute little kid, 26 00:01:42,768 --> 00:01:46,104 an ugly old dog, a dinosaur, and a leprechaun. 27 00:01:46,172 --> 00:01:47,305 ♪[Tin whistle playing] 28 00:01:47,373 --> 00:01:49,141 I'll be your lucky charm. 29 00:01:52,711 --> 00:01:53,645 [Sighs] 30 00:01:53,712 --> 00:01:55,280 Swell. 31 00:01:55,348 --> 00:01:56,414 Now, look: 32 00:01:56,482 --> 00:01:58,416 You don't like me and I don't like you, 33 00:01:58,484 --> 00:02:00,552 but we're in this together. Any questions? 34 00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:01,886 Can I go potty? 35 00:02:01,954 --> 00:02:03,688 For the last time, no. 36 00:02:04,357 --> 00:02:06,191 [Toilet flushes] 37 00:02:06,259 --> 00:02:08,026 [German accent] You think you got problems. 38 00:02:08,093 --> 00:02:11,396 I'm partnered with a pig, an alien, siamese twins, 39 00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:14,266 a sofa, and a second-rate mime. 40 00:02:14,333 --> 00:02:16,268 Hey, I'm stuck in a box. I can't get... 41 00:02:19,071 --> 00:02:21,773 oh, well. I've created a new scale 44 00:02:25,778 --> 00:02:28,280 Well, we're past scurvy, leprosy, 45 00:02:28,347 --> 00:02:30,915 unidentified yellow discharge, 46 00:02:30,983 --> 00:02:34,219 and the winner is: Spastic colon. 47 00:02:34,287 --> 00:02:35,487 Good night. 48 00:02:36,855 --> 00:02:38,223 Hold on there a minute, chumly. 49 00:02:38,291 --> 00:02:40,525 I'm on the phone with the spastic colon people, 50 00:02:40,593 --> 00:02:42,093 and they're not happy. 51 00:02:42,161 --> 00:02:45,163 Uh, can you hold? Oh. You can't. 52 00:02:45,231 --> 00:02:46,464 Sorry, Duke. I can't stop. 53 00:02:46,532 --> 00:02:48,400 I'm on my way to my son's slumber party. 54 00:02:48,467 --> 00:02:50,034 I really appreciate you helping out. 55 00:02:50,102 --> 00:02:51,169 You're welcome. 56 00:02:51,237 --> 00:02:53,205 But I'm not sure I like penny hangin' around 57 00:02:53,272 --> 00:02:54,806 with these older, New York types. 58 00:02:54,873 --> 00:02:56,708 She might pick up bad habits. 59 00:02:56,775 --> 00:02:57,775 Oh, come on. 60 00:02:57,843 --> 00:02:58,910 [Chuckles] 61 00:02:58,977 --> 00:03:00,412 You worry too much. 62 00:03:00,479 --> 00:03:01,913 See you tomorrow, honey. 63 00:03:01,980 --> 00:03:02,980 Goodbye, darling. 64 00:03:03,048 --> 00:03:05,016 I hope your toches feels better. 65 00:03:05,084 --> 00:03:06,618 See what I mean? 66 00:03:11,224 --> 00:03:12,424 [Kids squealing] 67 00:03:12,491 --> 00:03:13,725 Son, are any more of your friends 68 00:03:13,792 --> 00:03:15,393 from the u.N. School coming? 69 00:03:15,461 --> 00:03:17,829 Just that funny-looking kid from easter island. 70 00:03:17,896 --> 00:03:19,163 I don't know where he is. 71 00:03:19,865 --> 00:03:20,798 [Banging] 72 00:03:28,774 --> 00:03:30,609 [Computer game buzzing] 73 00:03:33,613 --> 00:03:35,647 Greetings, earthlings. We come in peace. 74 00:03:35,715 --> 00:03:38,182 We bring you new techniques to end world hunger... 75 00:03:38,251 --> 00:03:40,051 (all) Yeah! 76 00:03:40,119 --> 00:03:43,020 We bring you cures for all known disease... 77 00:03:43,088 --> 00:03:44,756 (all) Yeah! 78 00:03:44,823 --> 00:03:46,190 Kids, this is Jimmy Carter. 79 00:03:46,259 --> 00:03:47,792 I've met with these peaceful aliens. 80 00:03:47,860 --> 00:03:49,927 And as the worst president of this century, I urge... 81 00:03:49,995 --> 00:03:50,962 [beeps] 82 00:03:51,029 --> 00:03:52,264 (All) Yeah! 83 00:03:52,331 --> 00:03:53,632 [Game beeping] 84 00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:56,601 [All squabbling] 85 00:03:56,669 --> 00:03:58,803 I must taste blood. 86 00:03:58,805 --> 00:04:01,773 Jay, my daughter's been at your party for 5 minutes, 87 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:03,808 and already she wants to taste blood. 88 00:04:03,876 --> 00:04:06,678 Yeah, but when she says it, it sounds so cute. "Blood." 89 00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:08,079 That's it. We're outta here. 90 00:04:08,147 --> 00:04:09,447 [Gasps] 91 00:04:09,515 --> 00:04:11,816 Children, I denounce you and your violent ways. 92 00:04:11,884 --> 00:04:14,786 We're gonna watch nice, wholesome, a.B.C. T.V. 93 00:04:15,921 --> 00:04:18,423 Dan, a lesbian kissed me. 94 00:04:18,491 --> 00:04:20,091 Can she live in the basement? 95 00:04:20,159 --> 00:04:21,259 Oh... 96 00:04:21,327 --> 00:04:23,328 Kids, no t.V. Either. 97 00:04:23,396 --> 00:04:24,529 All right, listen up. 98 00:04:24,597 --> 00:04:26,097 We're gonna sit and tell stories, 99 00:04:26,165 --> 00:04:28,132 and I'm gonna give a prize for the best one. 100 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:29,834 [Arabic accent] What about war stories? 101 00:04:29,902 --> 00:04:31,803 My father was a pilot during the Gulf war. 102 00:04:31,870 --> 00:04:34,606 [Asian accent] My father too played a pivotal role in the Gulf war. 103 00:04:34,674 --> 00:04:35,940 He wrote a big check. 104 00:04:36,008 --> 00:04:38,009 Well, my dad is a Gulf war hero. 105 00:04:38,076 --> 00:04:39,110 Really? 106 00:04:39,178 --> 00:04:40,312 I don't think so, Martin. 107 00:04:40,379 --> 00:04:42,246 [Chuckling] Well, no. 108 00:04:42,315 --> 00:04:43,848 No, I... it's true. 109 00:04:43,916 --> 00:04:45,617 Here's a photo of me with president bush 110 00:04:45,685 --> 00:04:46,785 after I came back. 111 00:04:46,852 --> 00:04:48,219 (Asian boy) George Bush? 112 00:04:48,287 --> 00:04:49,987 The man who vomited on our prime minister. 113 00:04:50,055 --> 00:04:51,956 We call him puko-San. 114 00:04:52,024 --> 00:04:54,258 Tell us your story, Uncle Jay, please. 115 00:04:54,327 --> 00:04:56,594 (All) Yeah, tell us. 116 00:04:56,662 --> 00:04:58,330 Yeah, tell us, Uncle Jay. 117 00:04:58,397 --> 00:05:00,932 Oh, I shouldn't. It's my best story. 118 00:05:00,999 --> 00:05:02,634 I just use it to impress women. 119 00:05:02,702 --> 00:05:04,302 Wait a minute. You're a woman! 120 00:05:04,370 --> 00:05:06,037 What gave me away? 121 00:05:06,104 --> 00:05:08,206 If I told you, you'd slap me. 122 00:05:09,875 --> 00:05:11,676 The year was 1991. 123 00:05:11,744 --> 00:05:13,411 (Jay) I had received an invitation 124 00:05:13,479 --> 00:05:16,581 to the prestigious Baghdad film festival. 125 00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:18,916 A large humus and a small goat. 126 00:05:18,984 --> 00:05:20,685 [Kurdish accent] Excellent choice, sir. 127 00:05:20,753 --> 00:05:23,087 [Speaking kurdish] 128 00:05:25,190 --> 00:05:28,360 (Jay) And so the festival began, with films like 129 00:05:28,427 --> 00:05:30,962 bill and akhmet's excellent adventure, 130 00:05:31,029 --> 00:05:34,932 the towering infidel and brown acres. 131 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:38,102 ♪[Green acres tune playing] 132 00:05:42,742 --> 00:05:46,711 (Man with arabic accent) ♪ brown acres is the place to be ♪ 133 00:05:46,779 --> 00:05:50,715 ♪ tent living is the life for me ♪ 134 00:05:50,783 --> 00:05:54,386 ♪ sand spreading out so hot and wide ♪ 135 00:05:54,453 --> 00:05:57,355 ♪ the temperature's 105 at night ♪ 136 00:05:59,892 --> 00:06:01,926 (women) ♪ the culture 137 00:06:01,994 --> 00:06:03,862 (man) ♪ the vulture 138 00:06:03,929 --> 00:06:05,830 ♪ fresh figs 139 00:06:05,898 --> 00:06:06,898 ♪ uh, no pigs 140 00:06:06,965 --> 00:06:08,466 ♪ you are my wives 141 00:06:08,534 --> 00:06:10,368 ♪ goodbye city lives 142 00:06:10,436 --> 00:06:14,171 (all) ♪ brown acres, we are there 143 00:06:16,041 --> 00:06:18,777 what's next? My mother, the camel? 144 00:06:18,844 --> 00:06:20,512 [All ululating] 145 00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:23,314 Thank you. 146 00:06:23,382 --> 00:06:26,718 (Jay) Iraq was on the brink of war. I was about to get out. 147 00:06:26,786 --> 00:06:28,953 Then fate intervened. 148 00:06:29,021 --> 00:06:31,188 Baghdad airport, and step on it. 149 00:06:31,256 --> 00:06:32,356 Sure thing, Mac. 150 00:06:32,425 --> 00:06:33,558 You're from New York? 151 00:06:33,626 --> 00:06:36,193 Yeah. I'm part of the cabby exchange program. 152 00:06:36,261 --> 00:06:38,863 Yeah, see, they send all the foreign cabbies to New York, 153 00:06:38,931 --> 00:06:40,932 while all the New York cabbies come here. 154 00:06:40,999 --> 00:06:43,034 That way, no cabby speaks the language 155 00:06:43,101 --> 00:06:44,335 of the country he works in. 156 00:06:44,403 --> 00:06:45,904 That is the stupidest... 157 00:06:45,971 --> 00:06:48,039 now, don't worry. I'll get you to the airport. 158 00:06:48,106 --> 00:06:50,041 I know a shortcut through the desert, over here. 159 00:06:51,877 --> 00:06:52,944 [Rattling] 160 00:06:53,579 --> 00:06:54,979 [Yelping] 161 00:06:55,047 --> 00:06:56,347 [Jay yelling] 162 00:06:56,415 --> 00:06:58,616 (Cabby) Aw, nuts! Camel crossing. 163 00:06:58,684 --> 00:07:00,919 Freakin' camels. Move your humps! 164 00:07:00,986 --> 00:07:02,987 So, who do you like in the Gulf war? 165 00:07:03,055 --> 00:07:04,221 I'm bettin' on the U.S. 166 00:07:06,792 --> 00:07:09,561 [Gasps] 167 00:07:09,628 --> 00:07:12,246 (Jay) Meanwhile, back in America... 168 00:07:12,314 --> 00:07:14,398 ♪[Country music playing] 169 00:07:18,871 --> 00:07:21,573 (Male announcer) We interrupt hee haw: The next generation 170 00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:23,641 for a special news report. 171 00:07:23,709 --> 00:07:25,577 ♪[Trumpets playing fanfare] 172 00:07:28,981 --> 00:07:31,950 Good evening. The air campaign against Iraq has begun, 173 00:07:32,017 --> 00:07:34,318 but we are fortunate enough to have a correspondent 174 00:07:34,386 --> 00:07:36,287 on the scene in downtown Baghdad. 175 00:07:36,355 --> 00:07:37,555 Come in, Jay sherman. 176 00:07:37,623 --> 00:07:39,457 (Jay) I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! 177 00:07:39,525 --> 00:07:41,125 I don't wanna die! 178 00:07:41,193 --> 00:07:42,594 Jay, we're live. 179 00:07:42,661 --> 00:07:44,829 Hello, movie fans. Sherman here. 180 00:07:44,897 --> 00:07:47,164 As I stand here at the crossroads of history, 181 00:07:47,232 --> 00:07:48,833 one thought comes to mind: 182 00:07:48,901 --> 00:07:54,438 I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! 183 00:07:54,507 --> 00:07:57,341 (Male announcer) And now, back to our regularly scheduled program. 184 00:07:57,409 --> 00:07:58,977 ♪[Country music playing] 185 00:08:17,630 --> 00:08:20,665 [Indian accent] Mr. sherman, please tell us more of your story. 186 00:08:20,733 --> 00:08:22,600 (All) Yeah! Yeah! 187 00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:24,903 I heard the Iraqis used chemical weapons. 188 00:08:24,970 --> 00:08:26,704 Were you exposed to any? 189 00:08:26,772 --> 00:08:28,339 Um, just a smidge. 190 00:08:29,374 --> 00:08:30,842 [Buzzing] 191 00:08:32,845 --> 00:08:35,179 That's better. Anyway... 192 00:08:35,247 --> 00:08:37,015 Every night the planes would come 193 00:08:37,082 --> 00:08:38,650 and let loose their destruction. 194 00:08:39,351 --> 00:08:40,785 [Explosions] 195 00:08:42,755 --> 00:08:44,022 [Firing] 196 00:08:44,089 --> 00:08:45,489 [Beeps] 197 00:08:48,761 --> 00:08:52,263 Back at home, my boss was very upset. 198 00:08:52,330 --> 00:08:54,032 Would you look at these ratings? 199 00:08:54,099 --> 00:08:57,334 Ted Turner's killing us. It's that tomahawk chop. 200 00:08:57,402 --> 00:08:58,970 [Chanting] 201 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:03,608 Well, I've been workin' on my own visual. 202 00:09:03,676 --> 00:09:04,809 [Grunts] 203 00:09:04,877 --> 00:09:06,044 Well, what do you think? 204 00:09:06,111 --> 00:09:08,245 Uh, it's very similar 205 00:09:08,313 --> 00:09:10,582 to what the Nazis used, sir. 206 00:09:10,649 --> 00:09:12,249 Oh. Uh, do you think they'd mind? 207 00:09:12,317 --> 00:09:14,518 Uh, about Jay sherman, sir. 208 00:09:14,587 --> 00:09:16,921 He's trapped in Baghdad. 209 00:09:16,989 --> 00:09:20,592 Great! I want him reporting around the clock. 210 00:09:20,659 --> 00:09:22,259 What do you think of this gesture? 211 00:09:22,327 --> 00:09:23,995 [Sputtering] 212 00:09:25,564 --> 00:09:27,599 Sir, I think it's rather 213 00:09:27,666 --> 00:09:30,434 [sputtering] Wonderful. 214 00:09:30,502 --> 00:09:33,337 (Male announcer) This is p.N.N. 215 00:09:33,405 --> 00:09:34,939 [Duke sputtering] 216 00:09:35,007 --> 00:09:36,307 Duke, stop that. 217 00:09:36,374 --> 00:09:38,476 [Chuckling] 218 00:09:38,543 --> 00:09:41,278 Here I am in Baghdad, standing in front of one 219 00:09:41,346 --> 00:09:42,947 of the many, many, many, many, 220 00:09:43,015 --> 00:09:46,818 many, many, many pictures of Saddam Hussein. 221 00:09:46,885 --> 00:09:48,720 He's everywhere, just like Madonna, 222 00:09:48,787 --> 00:09:51,823 only with fewer enemies and a smaller moustache. 223 00:09:53,558 --> 00:09:55,493 It's hour 10 of our coverage. 224 00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:59,063 Scud missiles continue to fly but do very little damage. 225 00:09:59,798 --> 00:10:00,765 Ow! 226 00:10:00,833 --> 00:10:02,033 [Sputters] 227 00:10:06,071 --> 00:10:09,173 And that's how you get rid of a boil. 228 00:10:09,241 --> 00:10:12,443 It's hour 35 of our coverage now, 229 00:10:12,511 --> 00:10:15,379 and I thought I'd show you pictures from my wallet. 230 00:10:15,447 --> 00:10:17,414 Here's me as a baby. 231 00:10:17,482 --> 00:10:21,285 And here's me the day I got thrown out of the Bronx zoo. 232 00:10:21,353 --> 00:10:22,754 [Iranian accent] You're under arrest. 233 00:10:22,821 --> 00:10:23,788 For what? 234 00:10:23,856 --> 00:10:26,057 Impersonating our leader! 235 00:10:29,194 --> 00:10:30,762 Things never looked worse. 236 00:10:30,829 --> 00:10:34,165 There I was, with my head stuck in a honeypot. 237 00:10:34,232 --> 00:10:36,868 I thought you were stuck in an Iraqi prison. 238 00:10:36,935 --> 00:10:38,703 [Laughing] Yes, of course. 239 00:10:38,771 --> 00:10:39,871 How could a grown man 240 00:10:39,938 --> 00:10:42,907 get his head stuck in a honeypot? 241 00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:44,942 I couldn't rest. 242 00:10:45,010 --> 00:10:47,578 (Jay) I wrote a plea for help and tied the note to a rat. 243 00:10:47,646 --> 00:10:48,646 [Rat squeaking] 244 00:10:48,714 --> 00:10:50,782 You're my only hope, Lassie. 245 00:10:53,719 --> 00:10:55,319 [Bird screeching] 246 00:11:00,292 --> 00:11:01,693 [Bird screeching] 247 00:11:12,237 --> 00:11:13,771 [Rat squeaking] 248 00:11:17,743 --> 00:11:22,580 Junk mail. Junk mail. Junk mail. Rat from Jay. 249 00:11:26,251 --> 00:11:28,419 (Jay) Finally, under threat of torture, 250 00:11:28,486 --> 00:11:31,555 they forced me to renounce my own government on t.V. 251 00:11:31,623 --> 00:11:32,690 [Gasps] 252 00:11:32,758 --> 00:11:33,624 [Door slams] 253 00:11:38,797 --> 00:11:41,465 We want you to make him look presentable. 254 00:11:45,137 --> 00:11:48,072 Done and done. Hookah break. 255 00:11:48,140 --> 00:11:49,907 [Water bubbling] 256 00:11:49,975 --> 00:11:51,843 [Groaning] 257 00:11:51,910 --> 00:11:53,644 Where did you learn to do makeup? 258 00:11:53,712 --> 00:11:55,312 Iraqi soap operas. 259 00:11:55,380 --> 00:11:58,549 Morshida, how can I know the baby's mine? 260 00:11:58,617 --> 00:12:01,252 He has your eyes, and your smile. 261 00:12:01,319 --> 00:12:02,519 [Gurgles] 262 00:12:06,524 --> 00:12:07,792 Look, this is ridiculous. 263 00:12:07,860 --> 00:12:09,827 I'm not gonna betray my country. 264 00:12:09,895 --> 00:12:11,562 You will speak the blasphemous 265 00:12:11,630 --> 00:12:13,397 and self-denigrating dialogue 266 00:12:13,465 --> 00:12:14,932 that has been written for you! 267 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:16,768 Like I'm not used to that. 268 00:12:17,870 --> 00:12:19,336 Read this. 269 00:12:19,404 --> 00:12:21,773 "There's going to be a really bitchin' kegger tonight, 270 00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:23,340 at captain raheem's tent." 271 00:12:23,408 --> 00:12:25,176 That's mine. Read this! 272 00:12:25,244 --> 00:12:27,411 "Dear urkel, you are so funny. 273 00:12:27,479 --> 00:12:29,080 "Can you come to my birthday party? 274 00:12:29,148 --> 00:12:30,581 Your friend, captain raheem." 275 00:12:30,649 --> 00:12:31,983 Give me that! 276 00:12:32,050 --> 00:12:35,319 "Single arabic captain wishes to meet non-kurdish woman. 277 00:12:35,387 --> 00:12:38,689 I like puppies, Kenny g, and walks on the beach." 278 00:12:38,757 --> 00:12:40,992 Whoo-hoo! Kenny g! 279 00:12:41,059 --> 00:12:42,559 [Cursing incoherently] 280 00:12:42,627 --> 00:12:44,328 [Choking] 281 00:12:44,396 --> 00:12:47,698 What's going to happen to our darling little boy? 282 00:12:47,766 --> 00:12:49,267 Don't worry, my darling. 283 00:12:49,334 --> 00:12:51,269 I have friends in high places 284 00:12:51,336 --> 00:12:52,603 who take care of everything. 285 00:12:53,305 --> 00:12:54,605 [Birds chirping] 286 00:12:56,741 --> 00:12:59,610 Franklin, great to see you. Been years. 287 00:12:59,678 --> 00:13:03,547 Mr. president, my son is being held hostage in Iraq, 288 00:13:03,615 --> 00:13:05,349 and I need you to save him. 289 00:13:05,417 --> 00:13:07,919 Now, I've given money to the Republicans for years 290 00:13:07,986 --> 00:13:10,221 and never asked for anything in return. 291 00:13:10,289 --> 00:13:13,657 You asked to be secretary of balloon doggies. 292 00:13:13,725 --> 00:13:17,228 I didn't ask to be secretary of balloon doggies. 293 00:13:17,296 --> 00:13:19,197 The balloon doggies demanded it! 294 00:13:19,264 --> 00:13:20,898 Isn't that right, balloon doggy? 295 00:13:20,966 --> 00:13:22,466 No. Shut up! 296 00:13:22,534 --> 00:13:23,667 Oh, lord. 297 00:13:27,105 --> 00:13:28,940 [All chattering] 298 00:13:29,007 --> 00:13:31,976 Antonio, you almost ready there? 299 00:13:32,044 --> 00:13:34,511 [Spanish accent] Just call me "Tony the tiger." 300 00:13:34,579 --> 00:13:36,513 [Thudding footsteps] 301 00:13:36,581 --> 00:13:38,682 Mr. sherman, you still haven't told us 302 00:13:38,750 --> 00:13:40,117 how you got out of prison. 303 00:13:40,185 --> 00:13:42,954 Well, president bush had launched a rescue attempt. 304 00:13:43,021 --> 00:13:46,724 Meanwhile, I was forced to watch American films redubbed 305 00:13:46,791 --> 00:13:49,760 into outrageous propaganda by the Iraqis. 306 00:13:52,697 --> 00:13:56,600 All right, i want y'all to go and surrender to Saddam, 307 00:13:56,668 --> 00:13:58,936 but first we're gonna put on petticoats 308 00:13:59,004 --> 00:14:01,605 and have a sissy slap-fight. 309 00:14:01,673 --> 00:14:03,674 Eh, that's right. We're all yellow. 310 00:14:03,742 --> 00:14:05,042 [Laughs] 311 00:14:05,110 --> 00:14:07,879 ♪ I'm an Iraqi doodle dandy 312 00:14:07,946 --> 00:14:10,248 ♪ Iraqi doodle do or die 313 00:14:10,315 --> 00:14:12,283 ooh, yeah, yeah. 314 00:14:12,351 --> 00:14:14,185 [Helicopter hovering] 315 00:14:14,253 --> 00:14:15,819 (Man on loudspeaker) Jay sherman, this is the U.S. air force. 316 00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:18,189 We've come to rescue you. 317 00:14:18,257 --> 00:14:20,124 Climb into the harness. 318 00:14:21,459 --> 00:14:23,060 [Engine groaning] 319 00:14:26,131 --> 00:14:27,231 I don't understand. 320 00:14:27,299 --> 00:14:28,966 This thing's supposed to lift a tank. 321 00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:30,634 Could you talk a little louder? 322 00:14:30,702 --> 00:14:33,004 I think a few people in Jordan didn't hear you. 323 00:14:33,071 --> 00:14:34,338 (Man) Yes, we did! 324 00:14:39,511 --> 00:14:42,013 Ow. Ow. Ow. 325 00:14:42,915 --> 00:14:44,282 [Grunting] 326 00:14:45,650 --> 00:14:46,650 [Screams] 327 00:14:51,223 --> 00:14:52,390 [Screaming] 328 00:14:57,996 --> 00:14:59,496 Come on, men! 329 00:14:59,564 --> 00:15:00,998 [All cheering] 330 00:15:02,367 --> 00:15:05,336 It was like Lawrence of Arabia. 331 00:15:18,232 --> 00:15:20,267 (Jay) Ours was a noble little band. 332 00:15:20,334 --> 00:15:22,969 Anwar, the handsome Egyptian pilot. 333 00:15:23,037 --> 00:15:25,873 Arthur, a playboy from New York. 334 00:15:25,940 --> 00:15:29,142 [Laughing] 335 00:15:29,210 --> 00:15:31,779 [British accent] Now, that's what I call a dry Martini. 336 00:15:33,515 --> 00:15:37,083 [Slurring] They sent me here to dry out, but this is ridiculous. 337 00:15:37,151 --> 00:15:38,585 [Laughing] 338 00:15:38,653 --> 00:15:41,321 Hey, hey, where are you going, guys? 339 00:15:41,389 --> 00:15:42,756 Guys? 340 00:15:42,824 --> 00:15:46,026 You are the ugliest flamingo I've ever seen. 341 00:15:47,028 --> 00:15:48,161 [Vultures screeching] 342 00:15:48,229 --> 00:15:49,763 Oh, God, I'm funny. 343 00:15:49,831 --> 00:15:51,498 For days, we wandered the desert, 344 00:15:51,566 --> 00:15:53,667 danger around every dune. 345 00:15:53,735 --> 00:15:54,868 Halt! 346 00:15:54,936 --> 00:15:56,403 Before you pass, 347 00:15:56,471 --> 00:15:59,940 you must answer the riddle of the sphinx. 348 00:16:00,007 --> 00:16:03,410 Why did the boy throw the clock out the window? 349 00:16:04,378 --> 00:16:06,212 He wanted to see time fly. 350 00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:08,381 All right, all right, all right, that was an easy one. 351 00:16:11,252 --> 00:16:15,055 When is a door not a door? 352 00:16:15,790 --> 00:16:17,324 When it is ajar. 353 00:16:20,227 --> 00:16:22,128 Ok, ok, ok. One more. 354 00:16:26,501 --> 00:16:28,735 What is green and sings? 355 00:16:28,803 --> 00:16:30,537 Elvis parsley. 356 00:16:30,605 --> 00:16:33,841 I also would have accepted Fred asparagus. 357 00:16:33,908 --> 00:16:36,343 Oh, what is the point of all this? 358 00:16:37,044 --> 00:16:39,379 I'm so lonely. 359 00:16:39,447 --> 00:16:42,015 (Jay) I did everything I could to make the men happy. 360 00:16:42,083 --> 00:16:45,919 ♪ A wimoweh, a wimoweh, a wimoweh, a wimoweh ♪ 361 00:16:45,987 --> 00:16:49,756 ♪ a wimoweh, a wimoweh a wimoweh, a wimoweh ♪ 362 00:16:49,824 --> 00:16:53,594 (Jay) ♪ in the jungle, the mighty jungle ♪ 363 00:16:53,661 --> 00:16:57,397 ♪ the lion sleeps tonight 364 00:16:57,465 --> 00:16:59,900 ♪ weeee 365 00:17:01,736 --> 00:17:03,770 ♪ wee-o-lo-deh-lay 366 00:17:05,707 --> 00:17:08,976 ♪ weeeeee 367 00:17:09,777 --> 00:17:12,212 ♪ wee-o-lo-deh-lay 368 00:17:13,548 --> 00:17:15,081 (Jay) Meanwhile, in America, 369 00:17:15,149 --> 00:17:18,552 a worried nation speculated on my fate. 370 00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:19,987 ♪[Drum roll] 371 00:17:20,054 --> 00:17:23,657 The number 3 reason Jay sherman is lost in the desert: 372 00:17:23,725 --> 00:17:26,092 Dan quayle gave him directions. 373 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:27,160 [Audience laughing] 374 00:17:27,228 --> 00:17:28,228 [Audience applauding] 375 00:17:28,295 --> 00:17:29,663 Number 2: 376 00:17:29,731 --> 00:17:33,199 He used a compass made by pinheads at g.E. 377 00:17:33,267 --> 00:17:36,202 You hear that, Paul? "Pinheads at g.E." 378 00:17:42,376 --> 00:17:43,777 And the number one reason 379 00:17:43,845 --> 00:17:46,046 Jay sherman is lost in the desert: 380 00:17:46,113 --> 00:17:48,949 Buttafuoco, buttafuoco, buttafuoco! 381 00:17:49,017 --> 00:17:50,984 ♪[Band playing] 382 00:17:51,052 --> 00:17:53,153 [Audience applauding] 383 00:17:53,220 --> 00:17:55,989 (Jay) My friends had not forgotten me. 384 00:17:56,057 --> 00:17:57,824 Uh, this is "critic aid," take one. 385 00:17:57,892 --> 00:17:59,492 ♪[Music playing] 386 00:18:03,130 --> 00:18:09,135 ♪ Somewhere out Iraqi way 387 00:18:09,203 --> 00:18:14,074 ♪ amid the sand is our friend Jay ♪ 388 00:18:15,476 --> 00:18:20,313 ♪ he fought off bombs and bayonets ♪ 389 00:18:21,716 --> 00:18:26,553 ♪ to him we raise our raisinets ♪ 390 00:18:28,856 --> 00:18:31,091 (Jay) But the $1.75 they raised 391 00:18:31,158 --> 00:18:33,860 would come too little, too late. 392 00:18:33,928 --> 00:18:35,462 [Squawking] 393 00:18:40,434 --> 00:18:41,902 Look, a mirage! 394 00:18:41,970 --> 00:18:43,570 [Squealing] 395 00:18:46,207 --> 00:18:47,808 There's another one. 396 00:18:47,875 --> 00:18:50,978 Hey, I tell you, this hole is a par 702. 397 00:18:51,045 --> 00:18:52,479 That's some hole, you know. 398 00:18:52,546 --> 00:18:53,480 Grrr... 399 00:18:54,348 --> 00:18:55,949 [Screeching] 400 00:18:56,017 --> 00:18:58,018 Whoa, I haven't had a ride this scary 401 00:18:58,086 --> 00:18:59,319 since I sold my pinto. 402 00:18:59,386 --> 00:19:00,320 Grrr... 403 00:19:00,387 --> 00:19:01,321 Yeah. 404 00:19:09,430 --> 00:19:12,866 (Jay) And then, finally, we could go no further. 405 00:19:17,672 --> 00:19:19,372 (Stomach) Jay, don't despair. 406 00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:20,774 God? 407 00:19:20,842 --> 00:19:22,308 (Stomach) No, man, it's me, your stomach. 408 00:19:22,376 --> 00:19:25,145 Your salvation lies over the next hill. 409 00:19:25,212 --> 00:19:27,580 Now, rise! 410 00:19:27,649 --> 00:19:29,516 Come on, men! 411 00:19:29,583 --> 00:19:31,118 [All cheering] 412 00:19:33,387 --> 00:19:34,855 [All exclaiming] 413 00:19:37,825 --> 00:19:39,026 [All cheering] 414 00:19:42,563 --> 00:19:45,966 My goodness. You are a real hero. 415 00:19:46,034 --> 00:19:48,301 And when I returned, I got a hero's welcome. 416 00:19:49,503 --> 00:19:51,271 Sir, are you sure it's wise 417 00:19:51,338 --> 00:19:53,406 to be photographed with a film critic? 418 00:19:53,474 --> 00:19:56,109 It's the most despised profession there is... 419 00:19:56,177 --> 00:19:58,444 Except for pre-op groin shaver. 420 00:19:58,512 --> 00:20:00,914 Hey, my approval rating's 90 percent. 421 00:20:00,982 --> 00:20:03,083 How much harm can a little film critic do? 422 00:20:13,895 --> 00:20:15,729 That's some story. 423 00:20:15,797 --> 00:20:17,564 I guess you win the prize. 424 00:20:17,631 --> 00:20:19,099 And what might that be? 425 00:20:19,167 --> 00:20:21,234 I don't know. A kiss? 426 00:20:21,302 --> 00:20:24,304 A kiss? But you have not heard my story. 427 00:20:24,371 --> 00:20:27,174 It's called, "honey, I shrunk the pope." 428 00:20:27,241 --> 00:20:29,076 You will get a cookie. 429 00:20:33,181 --> 00:20:35,849 (Stomach) Oh, man, I could have had a cookie. 430 00:20:45,459 --> 00:20:46,727 [Chomping] 431 00:20:49,864 --> 00:20:51,131 [Slurping] 432 00:21:35,342 --> 00:21:37,010 (Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated. 433 00:21:37,078 --> 00:21:39,445 No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode. 434 00:21:44,285 --> 00:21:46,586 Uh, excuse me, sir. The show's over. 435 00:21:46,654 --> 00:21:48,889 Is the snack bar still open? 436 00:21:50,925 --> 00:21:51,958 [Chattering] 437 00:21:52,026 --> 00:21:52,893 Shh.