1 00:00:20,335 --> 00:00:22,404 [Alarm buzzing] 2 00:00:22,471 --> 00:00:25,507 (Man on radio) The following is a test of faye dunaway's vocal cords. 3 00:00:25,574 --> 00:00:27,975 We repeat: This is only a test. 4 00:00:28,043 --> 00:00:30,077 [Woman screeching] 5 00:00:45,494 --> 00:00:46,728 [Ice cracking] 6 00:00:46,796 --> 00:00:48,195 [All screaming] 7 00:00:48,263 --> 00:00:49,731 [All groaning] 8 00:00:59,174 --> 00:01:00,475 It stinks. 9 00:01:02,578 --> 00:01:03,511 [Remote clicks] 10 00:01:12,438 --> 00:01:14,088 [People laughing] 11 00:01:14,156 --> 00:01:16,658 So, pat, are you a man or a woman? 12 00:01:16,725 --> 00:01:19,894 She's a girl, mate. I saw her backstage. Look. 13 00:01:19,962 --> 00:01:21,162 [Sobbing] 14 00:01:21,229 --> 00:01:23,965 You ruined my career! 15 00:01:24,032 --> 00:01:26,835 Oh, well. Live, from hohokus, New Jersey, 16 00:01:26,902 --> 00:01:30,004 it's yesterday night! 17 00:01:30,072 --> 00:01:32,507 (Male announcer) It's yesterday night live 18 00:01:32,575 --> 00:01:35,276 starring the not-good-enough- for-feature-film players! 19 00:01:35,344 --> 00:01:38,446 Including the fat guy, the crazy woman, 20 00:01:38,514 --> 00:01:40,648 and the token black guy. 21 00:01:40,716 --> 00:01:44,752 Featuring musical guests, the rolling stones! 22 00:01:44,820 --> 00:01:48,990 And now, here's your host, Jeremy hawke! 23 00:01:49,057 --> 00:01:50,558 [All cheering] 24 00:01:50,626 --> 00:01:52,026 Hello, hohokus! 25 00:01:52,094 --> 00:01:53,160 [All applauding] 26 00:01:53,228 --> 00:01:54,729 [All cheering] 27 00:01:54,797 --> 00:01:56,330 Well, I'm thrilled to be here. 28 00:01:56,398 --> 00:01:57,832 Most of you know me as nothing more 29 00:01:57,900 --> 00:02:00,602 than a rugged super-hunk with a tush to die for. 30 00:02:00,669 --> 00:02:02,537 [Hooting and hollering] 31 00:02:04,172 --> 00:02:05,840 And, uh, speaking of dying, 32 00:02:05,908 --> 00:02:08,042 when's Reagan going to kick off? Am I right? 33 00:02:08,110 --> 00:02:09,878 [Chuckles nervously] 34 00:02:10,713 --> 00:02:13,047 [Beeping] 35 00:02:13,115 --> 00:02:15,449 Now, here's my Johnny Carson impression. 36 00:02:17,119 --> 00:02:20,254 A famous garbage bag company in pismo beach 37 00:02:20,322 --> 00:02:22,857 has signed Tonya Harding as their spokesperson. 38 00:02:22,925 --> 00:02:26,661 This is true. Ah, she'll be promoting their new line of white trash bags. 39 00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:28,863 [Chuckling] 40 00:02:28,931 --> 00:02:30,264 Aw! 41 00:02:30,332 --> 00:02:31,265 [Drum roll] 44 00:02:36,839 --> 00:02:39,373 We've got a great show, so stay tuned. 45 00:02:40,543 --> 00:02:43,377 (Woman) ♪ he's Mr. sweaty guy 46 00:02:43,445 --> 00:02:46,014 ♪ he sweats like a pig, oh, my ♪ 47 00:02:46,081 --> 00:02:49,017 ♪ when he gets nervous, he explodes ♪ 48 00:02:49,084 --> 00:02:51,653 ♪ sweat squirts out like a fire hose ♪ 49 00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:56,624 ♪ he's Mr. sweaty guy 50 00:02:58,827 --> 00:03:00,261 Mr. sweaty guy, 51 00:03:00,328 --> 00:03:03,097 this is the original copy of the U.S. constitution. 52 00:03:03,165 --> 00:03:05,767 It's been kept dry for 200 years. 53 00:03:05,834 --> 00:03:07,535 I want you to hold it. 54 00:03:07,603 --> 00:03:09,904 No sweat. 55 00:03:09,972 --> 00:03:12,574 Uh! They do the same sketches every week. 56 00:03:12,641 --> 00:03:15,476 They're nothing more than a string of catch phrases. 57 00:03:15,544 --> 00:03:17,178 Yeah, that's the ticket. 58 00:03:17,245 --> 00:03:19,213 Oh, beauty. They didn't give my seat away. 59 00:03:19,281 --> 00:03:20,582 Hello. 60 00:03:20,649 --> 00:03:22,483 [Stammering] 61 00:03:22,551 --> 00:03:25,653 Hi. I'm Olivia hawke, Jeremy's twin sister from Australia. 62 00:03:25,721 --> 00:03:27,254 Well, I'm a lucky girl to be sitting 63 00:03:27,322 --> 00:03:30,357 next to 2 such handsome blokes. 64 00:03:30,425 --> 00:03:33,127 Wow! She called me handsome! 65 00:03:33,195 --> 00:03:35,597 I wonder what she looks like naked. 66 00:03:35,664 --> 00:03:38,800 You idiot! You said that out loud. You better cover. 67 00:03:38,867 --> 00:03:43,104 I mean, uh, I wonder what she cooks like naked. 68 00:03:43,171 --> 00:03:44,839 Oh... nice going. 69 00:03:48,911 --> 00:03:49,911 Hey, did you hear? 70 00:03:49,979 --> 00:03:51,545 They're firing that fat sweaty guy. 71 00:03:51,614 --> 00:03:52,880 That's me! 72 00:03:55,117 --> 00:03:56,918 Livvy! I'm so glad you could come. 73 00:03:56,986 --> 00:03:58,252 Oh, good to see you, Wally. 74 00:03:58,320 --> 00:03:59,453 Wally? 75 00:03:59,521 --> 00:04:01,789 I was stolen by wallabies when I was a baby. 76 00:04:01,857 --> 00:04:04,626 Well, if childhood trauma turns you on, 77 00:04:04,693 --> 00:04:06,928 have I got a story for you. 78 00:04:10,298 --> 00:04:11,766 (Man) So, you see, gentlemen, 79 00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:14,568 this 7-year-old boy somehow managed to swallow 80 00:04:14,637 --> 00:04:18,339 a recording of barking dogs singing jingle bells. 81 00:04:18,406 --> 00:04:23,244 ♪[Dogs barking jingle bells] 82 00:04:24,813 --> 00:04:26,447 Poor baby! 83 00:04:26,515 --> 00:04:29,617 Oh, baby. Oh, yeah. 84 00:04:29,685 --> 00:04:32,286 I can dig it. Oh! 85 00:04:32,354 --> 00:04:34,355 Anyway, what brings you to New York? 86 00:04:34,422 --> 00:04:36,057 I'm a dealer in aborigine art. 87 00:04:36,125 --> 00:04:37,291 How ab-original. 88 00:04:37,359 --> 00:04:39,360 [Chuckles] 89 00:04:39,427 --> 00:04:41,362 We're opening up a gallery here in New York. 90 00:04:41,429 --> 00:04:43,064 You know, I've never been here before. 91 00:04:43,132 --> 00:04:44,465 Would you like to give me a tour? 92 00:04:44,533 --> 00:04:47,168 Yeah, I'd like to! Oh, uh, but I shouldn't. 93 00:04:47,235 --> 00:04:48,703 Jay has a girlfriend. 94 00:04:48,771 --> 00:04:50,638 Well, she's not my girlfriend, 95 00:04:50,706 --> 00:04:53,174 but we have kind of a Harry-met-Sally, Tracy-and-hepburn, 96 00:04:53,241 --> 00:04:55,576 Turner-and-hooch thing going. 97 00:04:55,644 --> 00:04:57,511 Hey, look, it's just a tour. 98 00:04:57,579 --> 00:04:59,847 It's not like you're going to see me cook naked. 99 00:04:59,915 --> 00:05:01,716 Oh! All right. 100 00:05:01,784 --> 00:05:03,384 (Stomach) Naked, schmaked. I just want the cookin'. 101 00:05:03,451 --> 00:05:06,921 Dad! There goes yesterday night live alum, jon lovitz! 102 00:05:06,989 --> 00:05:10,024 Make way, make way, you comedy peons. 103 00:05:10,092 --> 00:05:12,293 Famous movie star coming through, 104 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:15,029 and I am carrying something you've never seen before. 105 00:05:15,097 --> 00:05:17,031 It's called talent! 106 00:05:17,099 --> 00:05:19,133 Man! I wish I had half his looks. 107 00:05:19,201 --> 00:05:21,035 Well, you kind of sound like him. 108 00:05:21,103 --> 00:05:22,236 You think? 109 00:05:22,304 --> 00:05:23,504 (Director) And, action! 110 00:05:23,572 --> 00:05:24,839 That's our show for tonight. 111 00:05:24,907 --> 00:05:27,041 Next week, we'll be reviewing true lies 2. 112 00:05:27,109 --> 00:05:29,844 For this sequel, they weren't able to get Jamie Lee Curtis, 113 00:05:29,912 --> 00:05:33,514 so they had to settle for her dad, Tony. 114 00:05:33,582 --> 00:05:36,150 ♪[Blues-rock playing] 115 00:05:41,156 --> 00:05:43,958 I used to dance like this for kirk Douglas. 116 00:05:45,728 --> 00:05:46,828 Oh, marvelous. 117 00:05:47,763 --> 00:05:49,230 Nice show today. 118 00:05:49,297 --> 00:05:51,432 I liked your review of the new Mel Brooks movie. 119 00:05:51,499 --> 00:05:54,102 Oh, you mean, the hand that rocks the dreidel? 120 00:05:54,169 --> 00:05:57,304 [Chucking] 121 00:05:57,372 --> 00:06:00,574 Listen, Alice, Jeremy's sister asked me to take her around town, 122 00:06:00,642 --> 00:06:02,009 but if you say no, I won't go. 123 00:06:02,077 --> 00:06:04,511 Jay, don't put me in this position. 124 00:06:04,579 --> 00:06:06,781 You just have yourself a nice time. 125 00:06:06,849 --> 00:06:08,850 Are you sure? I said yes, damn it! 126 00:06:08,917 --> 00:06:10,484 Oh. Then I'm off! 127 00:06:12,955 --> 00:06:15,256 Poor kids. They're crazy about each other. 128 00:06:15,323 --> 00:06:17,959 If only they had the guts to say how they really feel. 129 00:06:18,026 --> 00:06:20,928 You're right. Duke, I've loved you for years. 130 00:06:20,996 --> 00:06:24,665 In fact, every 30 seconds I have a hot, steamy fantasy 131 00:06:24,733 --> 00:06:26,067 about the two of us. 132 00:06:26,135 --> 00:06:28,202 Oh, uh, uh, I got to take this elevator. 133 00:06:28,270 --> 00:06:29,771 That's just an open shaft. 134 00:06:29,838 --> 00:06:30,872 It's quicker. 135 00:06:30,939 --> 00:06:32,740 [Screaming] 136 00:06:34,777 --> 00:06:37,478 Get ready to experience Jay sherman's New York. 137 00:06:37,545 --> 00:06:39,546 We begin with Chinatown. 138 00:06:45,754 --> 00:06:47,655 It's the monster with many mouths. 139 00:06:47,722 --> 00:06:48,890 Kill the lights! 140 00:06:50,959 --> 00:06:52,093 [Locks clicking shut] 141 00:06:53,428 --> 00:06:55,362 New York is a shopper's paradise. 142 00:06:55,430 --> 00:06:57,598 The garment district, the diamond district, 143 00:06:57,666 --> 00:07:01,202 and the quaintly nauseating antihistamine district. 144 00:07:01,270 --> 00:07:03,304 [Pedestrians snorting] 145 00:07:07,042 --> 00:07:09,143 And this is grant's tomb. 146 00:07:10,312 --> 00:07:14,481 Who has disturbed ulysses grant's slumber? 147 00:07:14,549 --> 00:07:15,817 [Both screaming] 148 00:07:15,884 --> 00:07:17,185 [Laughing maniacally] 149 00:07:17,252 --> 00:07:18,719 [Thunder clapping] 150 00:07:25,393 --> 00:07:27,728 Oh, Jay. Can we try it, please? 151 00:07:27,796 --> 00:07:29,163 Aw, these things are rigged. 152 00:07:38,707 --> 00:07:41,209 Oh, come on, Jay. Let's give it a go. 153 00:07:45,848 --> 00:07:46,848 [Gasps] 154 00:07:46,915 --> 00:07:48,249 Are you all right? 155 00:07:48,317 --> 00:07:50,351 My name is Forrest Gump. 156 00:07:50,418 --> 00:07:52,553 You can call me Forrest Gump. 157 00:07:57,425 --> 00:07:59,126 ♪ New York, New York ♪ 158 00:07:59,194 --> 00:08:00,594 ♪ New York, New York ♪ 159 00:08:00,662 --> 00:08:02,596 ♪ New York, New York ♪ 160 00:08:02,664 --> 00:08:05,733 (both) ♪ New York, New York, a terrible town ♪ 161 00:08:08,136 --> 00:08:11,005 ♪ the sky is brown, and the water is brown ♪ 162 00:08:14,642 --> 00:08:17,945 ♪ the cabs won't stop, they don't even slow down ♪ 163 00:08:17,947 --> 00:08:21,648 ♪ New York, New York, it's a terrible town! ♪ 164 00:08:21,716 --> 00:08:22,716 ow! 165 00:08:28,490 --> 00:08:30,124 Soon-yi, I-m... I'm sorry. 166 00:08:30,192 --> 00:08:32,526 I can't get past this problem with your age. 167 00:08:32,594 --> 00:08:35,162 You know, 22 is just too old for me. 168 00:08:35,230 --> 00:08:39,000 (Male narrator) This is the constellation we call the goddess. 169 00:08:40,869 --> 00:08:43,938 This one is called kreplach, the bald ogre. 170 00:08:44,006 --> 00:08:45,172 [All gasping] 171 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:46,274 Hey. 172 00:08:46,341 --> 00:08:48,276 But they share a common star, 173 00:08:48,343 --> 00:08:51,512 bound together forever in eternal harmony. 174 00:08:51,579 --> 00:08:53,714 Oh, Jay. Sometimes I feel like 175 00:08:53,782 --> 00:08:55,549 I've searched this whole galaxy 176 00:08:55,617 --> 00:08:58,485 just looking for a man who really needs me. 177 00:09:00,555 --> 00:09:03,791 Jay, she's fantastic. Does she have a daughter? 178 00:09:05,977 --> 00:09:08,695 Our last film tonight is a sequel to little women: 179 00:09:08,763 --> 00:09:10,431 Little men. 180 00:09:10,498 --> 00:09:12,633 Starring the littlest men in Hollywood, 181 00:09:12,700 --> 00:09:15,336 Michael j. Fox, Dudley Moore, and Joe pesci. 182 00:09:16,838 --> 00:09:19,307 Look at this. I'm here with the keebler elves. 183 00:09:19,374 --> 00:09:22,609 You seem awfully hostile. You should see a shrink. 184 00:09:22,677 --> 00:09:24,511 [Laughing] Shrink! 185 00:09:24,579 --> 00:09:25,980 Oh, you think I'm funny? 186 00:09:26,048 --> 00:09:28,515 Do I amuse you? Do I make you laugh? 187 00:09:29,818 --> 00:09:32,420 I asked for 2 shots, but this is ridiculous. 188 00:09:32,487 --> 00:09:35,522 [Laughs] Oh, God, I kill myself. 189 00:09:35,590 --> 00:09:37,224 Hey, look! It's Gary Coleman. 190 00:09:37,292 --> 00:09:39,160 [Footsteps thundering] 191 00:09:41,796 --> 00:09:43,564 I really liked that movie, 192 00:09:43,631 --> 00:09:47,134 especially the scene when they all sailed around the bathtub in a thimble. 193 00:09:47,202 --> 00:09:49,670 Man, that's short, baby! 194 00:09:49,737 --> 00:09:52,806 Hmm. Wonder why you're in such a good mood? 195 00:09:52,874 --> 00:09:56,143 Jay! Ready for lunch? 196 00:09:56,211 --> 00:09:59,347 Uh, this is Jeremy's sister, Olivia Newton hawke. 197 00:09:59,414 --> 00:10:02,683 And this is my assistant... Um... um... 198 00:10:02,750 --> 00:10:05,252 Oh, God, I'm really in trouble now. 199 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:06,687 The name is Alice, 200 00:10:06,754 --> 00:10:08,922 as in Alice doesn't work here anymore. 201 00:10:12,327 --> 00:10:14,362 Look, Alice, I'd never want to hurt you, 202 00:10:14,429 --> 00:10:16,397 but I don't know what our relationship is. 203 00:10:16,465 --> 00:10:18,565 Are we friends or are we more? 204 00:10:18,633 --> 00:10:21,502 We are employer and employee. Now, if you'll excuse me, 205 00:10:21,569 --> 00:10:23,670 I'd like to leave with my dignity. 206 00:10:26,074 --> 00:10:28,809 (Alice) Jay, is there a little man on the outside of this door? 207 00:10:28,877 --> 00:10:29,910 Yes. 208 00:10:29,978 --> 00:10:31,212 Oh, pooh. 209 00:10:32,347 --> 00:10:33,647 Olivia, this is Doris. 210 00:10:33,715 --> 00:10:35,782 Her job is to make me look beautiful. 211 00:10:35,850 --> 00:10:38,152 How I yearn for death's sweet embrace. 212 00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:39,753 [Laughing] 213 00:10:39,821 --> 00:10:40,921 [Sarcastic laughing] 214 00:10:40,989 --> 00:10:42,089 Come on. 215 00:10:44,493 --> 00:10:46,227 I know that Olivia chick. 216 00:10:46,294 --> 00:10:48,829 She gave me the wildest night of my life. 217 00:10:48,897 --> 00:10:50,964 Then, when I woke up, she was gone. 218 00:10:51,033 --> 00:10:52,066 [Sobs] 219 00:10:52,134 --> 00:10:54,435 She didn't even stay to cuddle. 220 00:10:54,503 --> 00:10:56,270 [Sobbing] 221 00:10:56,338 --> 00:10:58,439 I'd never walk out on you. 222 00:10:58,507 --> 00:10:59,507 [Purring] 223 00:11:02,310 --> 00:11:04,478 That wasn't very sexy, was it? 224 00:11:07,649 --> 00:11:09,683 [Knocking on door] 225 00:11:09,751 --> 00:11:12,986 Jay, I'm all verklempt. I can't find my sister anywhere. 226 00:11:13,055 --> 00:11:15,289 She's not in her hotel room, she didn't call... 227 00:11:15,357 --> 00:11:17,724 (Olivia) ♪ I come from the land down under ♪ 228 00:11:17,792 --> 00:11:20,294 ♪ where women glow and men plunder ♪ 229 00:11:20,362 --> 00:11:22,496 ♪ can you feel, can you feel the thunder? ♪ 230 00:11:22,564 --> 00:11:23,630 vegemite sandwich? 231 00:11:23,698 --> 00:11:24,798 Blast it, Jay, 232 00:11:24,866 --> 00:11:26,400 I hate to say this about my sister, 233 00:11:26,468 --> 00:11:28,202 but she'll break your heart. 234 00:11:28,270 --> 00:11:31,372 And then I'll be holding your hand all night at the chicken shack...Again. 235 00:11:33,475 --> 00:11:35,276 What do you mean, there's no more chicken? 236 00:11:35,343 --> 00:11:36,510 My heart is shattered. 237 00:11:36,578 --> 00:11:39,846 Is a little "extra crispy" too much to ask? 238 00:11:39,914 --> 00:11:41,782 What about that big juicy one over there? 239 00:11:43,685 --> 00:11:44,952 [Squawking] 240 00:11:45,019 --> 00:11:46,587 I just want a little thigh. 241 00:11:46,654 --> 00:11:50,191 You want a piece of me, fat boy? I'll spork your ass. 242 00:11:51,159 --> 00:11:52,193 Jeremy? 243 00:11:52,260 --> 00:11:54,495 I think my sister and I need a moment alone. 244 00:12:02,104 --> 00:12:03,036 [Grunting] 245 00:12:06,141 --> 00:12:07,808 Well, at least I have a towel. 246 00:12:09,311 --> 00:12:11,412 New York, just like I pictured: 247 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,547 Bright lights, skyscrapers, 248 00:12:13,615 --> 00:12:16,117 fat naked man on the balcony there. 249 00:12:16,184 --> 00:12:17,918 I won't let you hurt my best friend. 250 00:12:17,986 --> 00:12:20,554 I've got no choice but to tell Jay about your past. 251 00:12:20,622 --> 00:12:22,923 No, you won't, because I'm going to tell him right now. 252 00:12:22,991 --> 00:12:24,125 [Scraping] 253 00:12:24,192 --> 00:12:25,593 [Whimpering] 254 00:12:26,027 --> 00:12:27,060 Jay! 255 00:12:29,264 --> 00:12:31,064 I've got something to tell you. 256 00:12:31,133 --> 00:12:32,466 F-f-f-fine. 257 00:12:32,534 --> 00:12:34,535 Now it's your turn to go wait on the balcony. 258 00:12:34,603 --> 00:12:36,537 S-s-s-see how you like it. 259 00:12:44,412 --> 00:12:45,446 Mmm. 260 00:12:45,514 --> 00:12:47,080 [Birds chirping] 261 00:12:48,416 --> 00:12:50,317 That hardly seems fair. 262 00:12:50,385 --> 00:12:52,319 Jay, do you know why you're different 263 00:12:52,387 --> 00:12:54,054 from every man I've been with? 264 00:12:54,122 --> 00:12:56,890 Uh, is it my vestigial bosom? 265 00:12:56,958 --> 00:12:58,425 No, it's because deep down, 266 00:12:58,493 --> 00:13:00,927 you're the most vulnerable man I've ever met. 267 00:13:00,995 --> 00:13:03,464 You're sweet, you're unpretentious, 268 00:13:03,532 --> 00:13:05,999 you're like a big koala bear. 269 00:13:12,507 --> 00:13:14,475 I hate qantas. 270 00:13:14,543 --> 00:13:17,878 Now, Jay, I want our relationship to be built on trust. 271 00:13:17,945 --> 00:13:21,682 So, I'm going to tell you about every man I've ever been with. 272 00:13:21,749 --> 00:13:24,685 Starting in high school, there was kato, who lived in the guest house, 273 00:13:24,752 --> 00:13:26,287 Warren beatty, when he was good, 274 00:13:26,354 --> 00:13:28,689 Pete best... he was the worst... 275 00:13:28,756 --> 00:13:32,159 Mickey dolenz, Peter tork, Peter tosh and Mickey Rourke... 276 00:13:33,928 --> 00:13:36,230 Then this year there was Larry "bud" melman, 277 00:13:36,298 --> 00:13:37,665 and he was the best, 278 00:13:37,732 --> 00:13:38,899 until you. 279 00:13:38,966 --> 00:13:40,767 Well, since we're cleaning the slate, 280 00:13:40,835 --> 00:13:43,870 I'll confess my many sordid and tawdry affairs. 281 00:13:45,807 --> 00:13:48,375 Whoo! So good to come clean. 282 00:13:48,443 --> 00:13:50,578 Oh, Jay, you do need me. 283 00:13:50,645 --> 00:13:54,915 Maybe this Sheila is finally ready to settle down. 284 00:13:54,982 --> 00:13:57,851 Jay, the lovely roselli twins and I have been thinking. 285 00:13:57,919 --> 00:13:59,420 You just see Olivia as an outlet 286 00:13:59,487 --> 00:14:02,155 for your latent homosexual attraction to me. 287 00:14:02,224 --> 00:14:03,357 Shut up. 288 00:14:08,029 --> 00:14:09,996 You've got a great pair of smoochers, mate. 289 00:14:10,064 --> 00:14:11,131 [Screams] 290 00:14:11,199 --> 00:14:12,299 Are you all right? 291 00:14:12,367 --> 00:14:14,435 Yeah. 292 00:14:14,502 --> 00:14:18,205 Jay, it's Alice. Have you forgotten about me? 293 00:14:18,273 --> 00:14:19,306 [Screams] 294 00:14:19,374 --> 00:14:20,641 What is the problem? 295 00:14:20,709 --> 00:14:24,010 Nothing, I swear this time I'll kiss you. 296 00:14:24,078 --> 00:14:26,079 I love you, Spartacus. 297 00:14:26,147 --> 00:14:28,014 She called me Spartacus. 298 00:14:29,984 --> 00:14:31,585 [Alice sniffling] 299 00:14:35,624 --> 00:14:37,157 What's the matter, mama? 300 00:14:37,225 --> 00:14:39,360 Oh, sweetie, you wouldn't understand. 301 00:14:39,427 --> 00:14:42,829 Are you afraid the man you love has left you for another? 302 00:14:42,897 --> 00:14:45,132 What? Where'd you learn to talk like that? 303 00:14:45,199 --> 00:14:48,535 It's "men are scum" week on ricki lake. 304 00:14:48,603 --> 00:14:51,104 How can I tell if I really love Jay? 305 00:14:51,172 --> 00:14:53,874 Well, just do what ricki lake says: 306 00:14:53,941 --> 00:14:58,646 Close your eyes and listen to the voice inside your head. 307 00:14:58,713 --> 00:15:00,981 Ok. Who do I love? 308 00:15:01,048 --> 00:15:03,250 ♪[Jack-in-the-box music playing] 309 00:15:05,387 --> 00:15:06,453 Hello. 310 00:15:06,521 --> 00:15:07,854 Ow! 311 00:15:07,922 --> 00:15:09,456 It is Jay! 312 00:15:11,510 --> 00:15:13,827 Doris, you know Jay pretty well, don't you? 313 00:15:13,895 --> 00:15:17,063 Hey, I was there for him when his liposuction backfired. 314 00:15:17,131 --> 00:15:18,299 [Bubbling] 315 00:15:25,106 --> 00:15:28,008 (Doris) He went to Rio, and was the hit of the carnaval. 316 00:15:28,075 --> 00:15:31,478 ♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole 317 00:15:31,546 --> 00:15:33,980 ♪ feeling hot, hot, hot 318 00:15:34,048 --> 00:15:36,550 I'm in love with Jay, but I don't know what to do. 319 00:15:36,618 --> 00:15:39,720 Well, my advice is to just walk right up and tell him. 320 00:15:39,788 --> 00:15:40,954 Or do what I do: 321 00:15:41,022 --> 00:15:43,724 Send your man a naked picture of yourself. 322 00:15:48,330 --> 00:15:50,163 [Gasping] 323 00:15:50,231 --> 00:15:52,866 My pills... my pills. 324 00:15:54,936 --> 00:15:57,604 (Jay and Olivia) Mmm! Mmm! 325 00:15:57,672 --> 00:16:00,974 Listen, I'm supposed to fly back to Australia tomorrow, 326 00:16:01,042 --> 00:16:02,976 but I'm not sure I want to. 327 00:16:03,044 --> 00:16:05,245 You're high on vitamin Jay, baby. 328 00:16:05,313 --> 00:16:08,114 Well, buckle up 'cause the ride just gets Wilder. 329 00:16:08,182 --> 00:16:09,883 [Imitates car revving] 330 00:16:09,951 --> 00:16:12,018 [Imitates tires screeching and cars crashing] 331 00:16:12,086 --> 00:16:15,389 [Imitates siren wailing] 332 00:16:15,457 --> 00:16:16,957 [Giggles] 333 00:16:17,024 --> 00:16:19,727 Jay, you make me laugh and scare me all at the same time. 334 00:16:19,794 --> 00:16:21,928 I love you. Tell me you love me, too. 335 00:16:21,996 --> 00:16:23,063 Well, I... 336 00:16:23,130 --> 00:16:25,098 Jay, you bewitching little booger, 337 00:16:25,166 --> 00:16:26,867 I've got something to say: 338 00:16:26,934 --> 00:16:29,603 I love you, and I need to know do you love me? 339 00:16:29,671 --> 00:16:30,704 Well, I... 340 00:16:30,772 --> 00:16:32,473 Baby, I love you the most. 341 00:16:32,540 --> 00:16:34,941 And now you gotta be straight... do you love me? 342 00:16:35,009 --> 00:16:36,477 Uh, queen latifah? 343 00:16:36,544 --> 00:16:38,211 Oops, wrong office. 344 00:16:40,915 --> 00:16:42,583 [Birds chirping] 345 00:16:42,650 --> 00:16:44,818 Dad, 2 women are in love with me, 346 00:16:44,886 --> 00:16:47,087 and I don't know which one I love. 347 00:16:47,154 --> 00:16:48,589 Oh, that's a tough one. 348 00:16:48,656 --> 00:16:52,459 I went through some similar travails over your mother. 349 00:16:52,527 --> 00:16:55,161 ♪[Dance music playing] 350 00:16:55,229 --> 00:16:57,197 Move aside, you little squirt. 351 00:16:57,265 --> 00:16:58,499 I'll have this dance. 352 00:16:58,566 --> 00:17:00,300 Oh, fresh! [Grunting] 353 00:17:00,368 --> 00:17:02,736 Help! Franklin, help! 354 00:17:06,841 --> 00:17:08,275 [Gulping] 355 00:17:14,449 --> 00:17:15,849 Help! Help! 356 00:17:15,917 --> 00:17:17,183 [Gasps] 357 00:17:17,251 --> 00:17:18,184 [Muttering] 358 00:17:25,527 --> 00:17:28,929 ♪ I punch like a comet, then drink till I vomit ♪ 359 00:17:28,996 --> 00:17:31,364 ♪ I'm Franklin the sailor man ♪ 360 00:17:31,433 --> 00:17:32,433 [tooting] 361 00:17:32,500 --> 00:17:34,067 [Raucous laughing] 362 00:17:35,603 --> 00:17:36,403 I don't get it. 363 00:17:36,471 --> 00:17:38,138 Well, neither do I, son, 364 00:17:38,205 --> 00:17:41,642 but I do know how to find out who you really love. 365 00:17:41,709 --> 00:17:43,944 Do what ricki lake says: 366 00:17:44,011 --> 00:17:48,482 Just close your eyes and listen to the voice inside your head. 367 00:17:49,317 --> 00:17:50,751 Who do I love? 368 00:17:54,689 --> 00:17:56,723 Hi. I'm ricki lake. On today's show, 369 00:17:56,791 --> 00:18:00,594 we'll be looking at Jay sherman and the people he loves. 370 00:18:00,662 --> 00:18:03,263 Jay, I'm the first girl you kissed. 371 00:18:03,331 --> 00:18:07,568 Now I'm a militant lesbian and a professional woman golfer! 372 00:18:07,635 --> 00:18:10,036 Hi, Jay. I'm the poster that got you through 373 00:18:10,104 --> 00:18:12,439 all those lonely nights in college. 374 00:18:12,507 --> 00:18:15,876 I was on your wall, too, you scum-sucking loser! 375 00:18:15,944 --> 00:18:18,178 Oh, yeah. Have a nice day. 376 00:18:18,245 --> 00:18:20,881 Jay, I represent your ex-wife, ardeth. 377 00:18:20,949 --> 00:18:24,785 If you want her likeness to appear in this dream, it'll cost you $10,000. 378 00:18:24,853 --> 00:18:26,553 [Ardeth growls] 379 00:18:26,621 --> 00:18:29,923 Well, partner, looks like we're on the road to Jay's bladder. 380 00:18:29,991 --> 00:18:33,694 Yeah. I hear this cat has a pool-shaped kidney. Man, that's livin'. 381 00:18:33,761 --> 00:18:34,795 [Purrs] 382 00:18:34,863 --> 00:18:36,530 Baby, this is the queen. 383 00:18:36,598 --> 00:18:39,065 I dub thee my Earl of ecstasy. 384 00:18:39,133 --> 00:18:40,433 Uh, queen latifah? 385 00:18:40,502 --> 00:18:43,504 Wait a minute. This isn't Denzel Washington's head. 386 00:18:49,878 --> 00:18:51,077 Do you love me? 387 00:18:51,145 --> 00:18:52,846 This is your last chance, mate. 388 00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:02,823 [Gasps] 389 00:19:04,158 --> 00:19:07,360 I love you, you bewitchin' little booger. 390 00:19:08,195 --> 00:19:09,329 Alice! 391 00:19:10,264 --> 00:19:12,165 [Crying] 392 00:19:12,233 --> 00:19:13,867 Look, I think you're wonderful, 393 00:19:13,935 --> 00:19:15,736 but I love someone else. 394 00:19:15,803 --> 00:19:19,039 Jay, you're the first man who's ever dumped me. 395 00:19:19,106 --> 00:19:20,206 Oh, don't worry. 396 00:19:20,274 --> 00:19:22,375 I'm sure you'll meet someone who needs you 397 00:19:22,443 --> 00:19:24,144 even more than I do. 398 00:19:24,211 --> 00:19:25,412 'Scuse me, ma'am. 399 00:19:25,479 --> 00:19:27,848 My pants seem to be on backwards. 400 00:19:27,916 --> 00:19:29,349 Could you zip me up? 401 00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:33,486 Thank you, ma'am. 402 00:19:33,555 --> 00:19:36,056 ♪[Love is a many-splendored thing playing] 403 00:19:44,432 --> 00:19:46,066 Now, Mr. sweaty guy, 404 00:19:46,133 --> 00:19:48,368 "during the midnight ride of Paul revere, 405 00:19:48,436 --> 00:19:49,937 "how many lanterns were there, 406 00:19:50,004 --> 00:19:51,572 "what was the name of his horse, 407 00:19:51,639 --> 00:19:52,839 "who was his partner, 408 00:19:52,907 --> 00:19:55,375 and was his horse a stallion or a mare?" 409 00:19:55,443 --> 00:19:57,210 [Sweat exploding] 410 00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:00,781 Alice, I've got something to tell you. 411 00:20:00,848 --> 00:20:03,183 It's something I should have said a long time ago. 412 00:20:03,250 --> 00:20:04,585 I love you. 413 00:20:05,119 --> 00:20:06,286 Really? 414 00:20:07,989 --> 00:20:09,890 I've been carrying this poem for years, 415 00:20:09,958 --> 00:20:13,159 saving it for when I finally met the woman of my dreams. 416 00:20:13,227 --> 00:20:14,828 [Clearing throat] 417 00:20:16,965 --> 00:20:18,364 "She's a super freak..." 418 00:20:18,432 --> 00:20:23,036 ♪ Super freak, she's super freaky, ooh ♪ 419 00:20:23,104 --> 00:20:25,639 oh, I'm sorry. I haven't updated this since 11th grade. 420 00:20:25,707 --> 00:20:26,807 Oh, here. 421 00:20:26,874 --> 00:20:28,875 "The woman I love will be my best friend. 422 00:20:28,943 --> 00:20:30,611 "We'll make each other laugh, 423 00:20:30,678 --> 00:20:32,713 and I'll never be lonely again." 424 00:20:32,780 --> 00:20:34,314 Her name will be Alice, 425 00:20:34,381 --> 00:20:36,717 and she'll have a sweet Southern accent, 426 00:20:36,784 --> 00:20:38,451 and I hope she'll love me, too. 427 00:20:38,519 --> 00:20:40,988 Oh, Jay, you're the sweetest man 428 00:20:41,055 --> 00:20:43,890 who ever called me a super freak. 429 00:20:47,394 --> 00:20:48,461 Help! 430 00:20:49,664 --> 00:20:50,764 Help! 431 00:20:51,833 --> 00:20:53,199 Help! 432 00:21:51,292 --> 00:21:53,359 (Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated. 433 00:21:53,427 --> 00:21:56,163 No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode. 434 00:22:05,339 --> 00:22:07,074 Excuse me, the shows over. 435 00:22:07,141 --> 00:22:08,374 Get away, pipsqueak. 436 00:22:08,442 --> 00:22:09,776 That's why I love her. 437 00:22:10,745 --> 00:22:11,945 [All chattering] 438 00:22:12,013 --> 00:22:12,979 Shh!